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Dump ‘Scorned’ Already

Here’s a word I’d like to see disappear from the infidelity conversation — scorned. (Almost always referring to a woman.) “Scorned Detroit Woman Lists Cheating Ex’s Batmobile on Craigslist.”

Really Fox news affiliate? Really? SHE OWNED THE CAR.

“Since the car was in my name, I decided to repossess it from him,” she says, smiling. She posted the Dodge Nitro on Craigslist with the headline: ‘Cheating boyfriend thought he was Batman’.

“I got that car for him in my name because I thought that he was going to love me forever,” she admits.
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During their relationship, her boyfriend tricked out the car to look just like the Batmobile. The car is covered in Batman logos and decals and includes upgrades like Bluetooth and a radio touchscreen that plays Pandora and movies. The enhancements came with a $5,000 price tag — and was paid for by the other woman.

When Amy found out about the affair, she started plotting.

“I knew this was the way I could kind of just hurt him back where it counted,” she says.

She writes on her Craigslist post, “I got [the car] for my ex, who turned around and got all the extras paid for by his side chick.”

“I outsmarted the con artist,” she says.

See, the word you were looking for, Fox, was “outsmarted.” Let me rewrite that headline for you: “Badass Detroit Woman Sells Car She Once Gave to Unappreciative, Cheating Jerk.” There. That’s better.

WTF is it with scorned? It means to “reject (something) in a contemptuous way.” I scorn your offer of bran muffins! Bring me pastries!  or

“Oh really? Bran muffins again?” said the teenager scornfully

Scorn when applied to chumps implies that you are the jerk. You are the one who failed to appreciate. You are the one who is being irrationally upset and are more than a bit unhinged.

Oh my God, she’s going to sell something that belongs to her! Quick! Call a reporter!

Ironic, isn’t it that chumps get stuck with “scorn”? Because contemptuous rejection is EXACTLY what cheaters do. How come they don’t get called scorned?

Cheaters are “wayward” and “broken” and know not what they do. But poor sappy “betrayed spouses” better not get uppity, bitter, or scorned. Then shit might get real. Someone might call a lawyer. Consequences!

Call it whatever you like, Batman. The repo man is still coming for your ass.

— Tracy Schorn

scorn

This column ran previously. I’m on the road today.

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  • So well said. Another dose of cheaters not accepting responsibility for their abusive actions. How can people actually behave in this way?

    • Totes agree with the analysis of the use of the word scorned… But this particular article I think didn’t misuse it. It says, “scorned Detroit woman…” – which to me means, “Detroit woman who was scorned.” It doesn’t say, “Detroit woman scorns cheating ex….”

    • What bothers me the most here is NOT what cheaters say about chumps (who cares?) It’s the myths that society – often but not always the patriarchy – spreads about victims and morphing us into being the makers of the shit sandwiches!

      I also hear friends of mine who are 2nd wives, spewing about the “evil ex wife”. And I remind them that I’m an ex (& they are often ex’s too).

      So easy to blame the woman, and society does it a lot.

  • The “scorned” woman was also “smiling” as she “plotted.” Perhaps she was a witch for a mid-century Disney cartoon? As she typed up the Craigslist post she she was also cackling and stirring her cauldron?

    #POOFmotherfucker

    Also, under the heading of “Things Chumps Should Have Dumped Their Exes for Even Before They Found Out About The Cheating,”file “HE DROVE A DODGE NITRO COVERED WITH BATMAN STICKERS.” SMDH. Because Dodge doesn’t make Big-Wheels for grown-ass men I guess?

    • Yeah I noticed that too.

      Plotted?

      “The shady plot involved retrieving her own property from the individual who had taken it after selling her out and betraying her.”

      So getting my stuff back from someone who broke into my house would be quite the plot I guess.

    • Damn straight I view my ex with scorn, along with all the other cheaters who broke the hearts of chumps. Let’s turn that “scorned woman” shit around and dump it right back where it belongs, on the flaming dog turds themselves! They earned it.

      scorn noun
      \ ˈskȯrn \

      1: open dislike and disrespect or mockery often mixed with indignation
      2: an expression of contempt or derision
      3: an object of extreme disdain, contempt, or derision : something contemptible

      scorn verb
      \ ˈskȯrn \
      scorned; scorning; scorns

      : to treat with scorn : reject or dismiss as contemptible or unworthy
      scorned local traditions
      scorned to reply to the charge
      intransitive verb

      : to show disdain or derision : SCOFF

    • 😂😂 I mean seriously – batman stickers all over the car…too funny! big wheels for grown-ass men-yeah they do – its called lifted f350 supercrew cab diesel pick-ups to drive around town. all-hat no cows. you can’t make this shit up. hugs!

  • I also get *vengeful* *vindictive* and *hag* 😂 haven’t sought revenge once (ran far far away instead) although my wishes do tend to happen without any effort #sorrynotsorry I’ve just got better wishes to wish for than anything to do with him. Even ones involving that karma bus parked all awry on the kerb on Consequence Street. Not my car crash #herproblemnow

    • I was told I was “vindictive” and I “abandon people,” just for saying no to the shit sandwiches they were offering. That’s how you know you’re unchumping successfully. If a disordered person is telling you “why do you make things so difficult?”, consider it a compliment.

      • Yes, I got Angry and Controlling for many many years during the marriage – after Dday and I took cake away, he added Bitter. (Obviously, because ALL scorned exes are bitter by definition right?)

        After a while, and in consultation with former close friend of mine who has taken him on in the knowledge he spent the last half of 22 y marriage going to gay clubs and (straight) brothels (because she’s so Understanding and Sophisticated), the next was was “Un-self-aware,” (still not sure where the hyphen should go there …)

        And lately, complains that I Won’t Communicate. Thanks Gorillapoop, I WILL take that as a compliment. So many compliments once you reach Meh!!

      • Lol. Mine recently gave me some money. He said can you do one thing for me? If I give you this money will you stop yelling at me?

        Haha hahahaaaaa

  • Mine wanted to leave the marriage with my car and the keys to the house. I took both back. A few days later he writes accusing me of being unreasonable in taking back my car and preventing him from using it to work on completing construction of the house we were building.
    The truth of course was that in his arrogance (read ‘stupidity’), he imagined he’d just leave with it.

    Kudos to that lady for… Egad !… Taking what is hers.

    • Yes, finally I am moving out of the family home and taking my stuff and guess what? All the good stuff is mine.
      And what made this place kick was me.

      That will be obvious soon enough but hopefully after the divorce papers are signed and all my good stuff is out. D day going on five years now.
      He’s getting plenty of what he didn’t pay for and I’m still a generous chump.

      The smoldering rage channel that I would have the audacity to claim what is mine.

      What’s going to happen when I go into the garage and claim tools? I can’t think about that right now, I have lawyer stuff to do.
      Of course king baby isn’t doing any lawyering. Oh well I guess I will have to compensate myself for all the work I’m doing on the divorce.
      Rage channel working because I have some trepidation still. But I have to be mighty and take care of me.

      • Langele, you did it. You are mighty. You chose you. Claim those tools. You will need at least a basic tool kit.

        Leaving your home is so hard. It took me multiple tries. You did it, that is what matters!

        I’m glad you can see that the good stuff in the house was yours. It always was and now you see it. Good Luck! I want to know how you are doing. My first hearing is in November. I how your divorce is quick and your recovery from the abuse is too.

      • We make the house a home, we do the decorating, we do the things that no man would ever think of. Empty out that house and let him see the nothing that is left. You’re 5 yrs out from DDay…it’s past time for you to claim your own and get out of that situation. You can ‘see’ now and I hope you can get out, move on and certainly, don’t listen to any whining!

      • Langele,

        You deserve every single one of those tools! Take them without an ounce of guilt and claim them as your own.

        When my serial cheater XH left, his parting gift to me was a $20 toolkit from Home Depot. Said I was gonna need it. Gee, thanks, how considerate.

    • Yes, finally I am moving out of the family home and taking my stuff and guess what? All the good stuff is mine.
      And what made this place kick was me.

      That will be obvious soon enough but hopefully after the divorce papers are signed and all my good stuff is out. D day going on five years now. Complications.

      He’s getting plenty of what he didn’t pay for and I’m still a generous chump.
      But getting less generous while the rage channel is on that I would have the audacity to claim what is mine.

      What’s going to happen when I go into the garage and claim tools? I can’t think about that right now, I have lawyer stuff to do.
      Of course king baby isn’t doing any lawyering. Oh well I guess I will have to compensate myself for all the work I’m doing on the divorce.
      Rage channel Silent treatment is intimidating. But I have to be mighty and take care of me.

  • I think what I hate most about the scorned label is the implication that somehow a ‘sane’ person evaluated me and found me lacking in favor of a fabulous new version.

    That kind of process takes place during courtship, not a marriage. Cold Slab O’Meat would have LOVED to keep in touch and used me to triangulate the Sluterus indefinitely, but fuck that.

    I was pledged to love honor and cherish. As Nina Simone instructs, I got up and left the table when Love was no longer being served. The fact that he can switch out mates with no compunction like that tells me that he really has no powers of discernment at all, he’s just easily bored and forms bonds about as deep as an Arizona puddle.

    • Yep. How was I “scorned” when the cheater CHOSE to stay in the marriage, made me file for divorce, then dragged her feet? It felt more like I was trying for months to scrape dog poop off my shoe. Can an innocent pedestrian be “scorned” by persistent dog poop?

        • I LOVE that nomar!!!

          And Luziana I love Nina Simone … I think about that line so often. In fact, my new Mighty MO is to stop hanging around tables wagging my tail and hoping that I’m thrown some scraps. (And then being grateful for them!! Ugh …)

          The rest of my life will be invested only in people who offer me an actual seat, and serve up the love in generous helpings.

      • God help me. I am living this now. The big bad mommy replacement is full of punitive punishment. Wtf is wrong with these assholes.

  • The scorned women. Aww, the poor thing. She must have been nuts. That is why he cheated on her. But, no one looks at the cheater as the abusive fraud.
    This guy seems like a piece of work. He is such a man child that he needs two women to pay for his toys. She is better off with out him.

  • My STBX loves cars more than he ever loved me. He lied on his Financial Affidavit about the value of his Hot Rods. It is laughable to me to imagine that he thinks anyone would drive to multiple states and a multiple car shows to display a vehicle worth only $1,000.

    I have multiple pictures of this vehicle at those car shows. I also have pictures of receipts for multiple thousands of dollars spent on that Hot Rod. He wants to keep this vehicle. I’m asking for it in the settlement since it is so cheap and all. A gal can use a truck. I drive stick because I’m awesome like that!

    I had the house appraised. He increased the value of the shack that I’m living in by $40,000. The certified appraiser laughed when I told her what he said the house was worth. Just sent those documents to my lawyer. More proof he is an unrepentant liar.

    I’m sure he will be livid that I didn’t just blindly trust him. I mean I did for thirty five years. Now I know he lies about everything.

    I’m not a “woman scorned”. I am a Woman Informed. I do not believe a word out of his liar’s lips. Now I gather my own information, discover my own facts. Those labels are designed to shame and control us. I refuse to be shamed, I control myself.

    • “Now I gather my own information, discover my own facts. Those labels are designed to shame and control us. I refuse to be shamed, I control myself.”

      YES!!! 🙌🏼💪🏼

    • I left him on Christmas. Took the kids and MY dog. He whines in court that I took “every living thing” from the house when I left. He wanted the dog back. Pets are considered property and since dog was pre-marital property the Judge shut that down quick. It only took him three weeks to get over the devastation and moved in the girlfriend since you know, no other living thing was in he house. The bed was also pre-marital property but since he was fucking other women in MY bed I threw it out. He wanted that too. Not scorned, disgusted.

    • A “woman informed”. I love that! Yes, he did not like the low house appraisal, he had his own appraisal done (increased value $5000). He also forged the title of the 1968 Camaro that was mine in college into his own name. I later found out that all through our marriage he was telling people that was his car in high school. I got the car and sold it on Ebay within a month of the divorce. It was a monument to his irresponsibility and ineptitude.

      • NotMyFault! You are mighty! I’m so glad you got your car back. I will sell the truck AFTER I lay a few strips of burning rubber outside his girlfriend’s house and his office.

    • Same here. His muscle car was insured for 38K but he had an appraiser say it was only worth 6 K. Then he devalued our house he was living in. The appraiser was on to him and said several times in report that the house ‘was not maintained, or kept up to any proper standard.’

      Why is it that they think people can’t see right through their crap?

      • Mitz, I am baffled trying to “untangle the skein of fuckedupedness”. Why lie when the lie is easily disproved? It speaks to the depths of their personality disorders. Delusions of Grandeur is a hallmark of Narcissism. Those disordered freaks really believe their lies. They truly believe they say it and it is so. I’m so glad to be nearly free of the freak and his unceasing lies. Mitz, don’t waste your time trying to understand their insanity. Just document and refer to your lawyer.

    • My ex sold his 1970 Dodge Dart a few months before he filed for Divorce. He then stashed the cash in his parents safe. My lawyer informed him that the car was community property and he would have to give me half. We decided to work on our marriage and instead of using the money for a roof on the house. He bought a Harley. I later found out he had $20000 stashed in his parents safe. Oh what a chump I was.

  • I agree. The narrative HAS to change. It seems whenever a chump creates or enforces boundaries they are made into the bad guy.

    For me, after all was said and done and we had finally begun discussing divorce terms, I brought up that my parents had basically paid off the birth of our child and my mom had loaned us money to take a vacation to see his family and that she now wanted to be repaid that money. Boy did X rage about that! HE never asked for the money or he didn’t remember. My family is SO hung up about money and was apparently always looking down on his family. The last year we had to file taxes as married, I did them and we owed. I wanted to discuss a plan to get the money. He didn’t want to…we had plenty of time to figure out how to get $1200 in a month. So I enforced a boundary where I no longer was put in bad positions by him or had to beg him to adult. I filed married separately and took all the tax breaks. Then I was labeled as bitter and vengeful.

    It never ends. Years down the road when I continue to stand up for myself, he will still label me as spiteful because it’s easier than admitting he’s an a**. It’s all part of the cheater blameshift.

    • Who cares how he or others label you! You might be bitter and revenge full but you’re bitter and revenge ultimate WITH the money!

      • At first it was hard to deal with because I am a chumpy people pleaser. But now? I don’t care. Once I got out of the fog, I realized I was NONE of the things he labeled me as. Am I a little bitter? Maybe. But revenge isn’t my thing. It’s HIS thing. I just want things taken care of in a fair way.

        I think the overall message in this topic is that we are not scorned, bitter, vengeful, etc. etc., we are standing up for ourselves, sometimes for the first time. When people finally start enforcing boundaries, the people that label you as bitter or scorned are the same people that benefitted from you not having boundaries. And now, instead of feeling shame or guilt when called these things, I am grateful that people are revealing to me who they really are.

    • good for you! of course you are bitter and vengeful NOW. it is necessary part of the process. wakes us up to how unfairly we have been treated. but in time you won’t be and he will always be an a**. hugs!

  • By any chance was the OW named “Robin”?

    Fun Friday Challenge suggestion? our cheaters described as Batman-style villians, complete with nickname, back story, distinctive wardrobe and personality characteristics, and weird contraptions designed to do away with the superhero (you)

    • …When we last left our caped crusaders of sparkliness, the arch villain ChumpPartner had viciously attacked their mode of really cool transportation…

      Robin: Holy car-jacking Batman! The Batmobile has been sold to a different dorky man-child!

      Batman: Not to worry Robin, we still have these Bat-bus passes and the Bat-tandem bicycle.

      Robin: But Batman, won’t we look, I don’t know, kinda goofy in these outfits and riding a bicycle?

      Batman: Not if we crouch down low and peddle really fast. I have a playing card in the spokes that’ll make a cool sound the faster we go. Trust me Robin, if there’s one thing Batman knows, it’s how to deludedly envision myself as cool. You can be there too. Quick! Off to the Bat-bike!

      Robin: Right! Batman, I knew you were the coolest…

  • So she refused to be regarded as a helpless victim but instead sold HER PROPERTY to recoup some of the money and to deliver a smack to his cheating ego.

    I call her a quick thinker and smart.

    Oh! FOX NEWS! Well, there you go.

  • ‘Scorned’ in journalist speak means Bitter, Harridan etc. Basically, they probably had a good reason to leave. Too often – as that’s not what it actually means.

  • A woman is scorned.
    A man is cuckolded.
    Negative emphasis on the woman in both. Patriarchy’s work.
    Goddammit Patriarchy, go to your room!

    Cheaters cheat.
    We gotta change the narrative in this world. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable no matter who’s doing it.
    AND cheating is unacceptable behavior!
    Don’t lower your standards.
    Raise the bar!

    • I dunno. I think “cuckold” is used to shame and blame loyal chump guys, not just blame women. Oh, the humiliation of not “being man enough” to stop your woman from straying!

    • Ah but you don’t hear about “Scorned men”as a phrase and the word bitterness is not connected to men either.
      Legally, If a man kills a cheating wife or her lover, statistically it’s more likely to be a manslaughter charge (“crime of passion”) whereas if a woman does it, she’s vengeful and scorned.
      And gets convicted of murder.

  • We can blame the 17th century for this one.

    “He shall find no Fiend in Hell can match the fury of a disappointed Woman! – Scorned! slighted! dismissed without a parting Pang!” (Colley Cibber, “Love’s Last Shift,” 1696)

    The idea wasn’t that the woman was worthy of scorn, but that the man had treated her as though she was, and she was justifiably angry about it.

    Headline-writers, being short on space, love to use cliches to try to say in one word what would be more accurate in three or four.

    Let’s update for 2019. “Woman scorned”? Nope! I’m “Woman Reborn!”

  • This story hit me wrong. Maybe not enough coffee. PMS? I’m in a mood.

    But damn, this lady was stupid in the beginning. You don’t buy fancy gifts for a boyfriend. Didn’t her mama teach her that?!? What is she trying to do? But his fidelity with love? Pick me dance for a car behind door number 1, a blow job behind door 2, and a Batman mask behind door 3? Is she borderline personality? They come on strong and woo with big gifts too. They do mate with Narcissist…. the other woman was poorly one…

    Chumplady is right in that if you tell your story too much, you look scorned and like you should be driving a broom. Better to take back the car, sell it without drama, and tell her close friends and family what happened. For the rest of her acquaintances just say, ‘I Took back my car because I didn’t want him using it for dates with the other woman.’

    Because by doing this, she looks like a little vindictive. Maybe well deserved. But a lot of good men are going to steer clear. Why? She keeps a vindictive score card.

    • Meow Mix – “Chumplady is right in that if you tell your story too much, you look scorned and like you should be driving a broom. Better to take back the car, sell it without drama, and tell her close friends and family what happened.” Totally agree. And for the record, FOX, CNN, ABC, CBS, etc. all run dumb shit.

      • Dirty laundry makes headlines. They profit from our rubbernecking. Some ‘friends’ use the affair story for their entertainment…. Better then a soap opera. While others will actually bring by some groceries or help you pay a bill. There are Switzerland friends, Real Gold friends, rubbernecking friends…. it’s just best not to say too much to most. Move on. Find Mr. Chumplady perfect.

        • MeowMix – you are speaking my language. I had a Switzerland friend reach out immediately after as I was literally heartbroken and needed support. I thought she was offering a shoulder to cry on. Thankfully I stated facts because she ran to my ex-husband and started best friending the affair partner. She even posted on Facebook a picture saying “Just because you do not like them doesn’t mean we shouldn’t”. The affair partner replied with praised hands. That hurt me sooooo terribly bad. Yes, a true friend shared with me because I have the affair partner blocked. I am thankful she did to let me know that the person I thought was my friend is in fact not. Now when I see her I avoid her or if I’m forced to be within close areas (kids sports) I speak only if needed. I know she is NOT my friend. I forgot to mention that she too was cheating as well as her husband. They divorced and are now back together and buddying up with my ex and the affair partner. I am sure she and the small clique of cheaters all got a good laugh. Posting things or airing things out for all to see only gives them fuel. After all, it’s not there actions, it’s our reaction that is the problem.

          • You make very good points Meoxmix, as I noticed that she bought the car for a boyfriend, (NOT a husband) and then kept it in HER name because… she “thought” he’d love her forever. What??

            I don’t think so. She’s right to take the car back but dear God , real men buy their own cars.

            This is taking a lot of HER energy and that might keep her stuck. Getting a life starts with being Unstuck.

            But he’s still a pig for cheating AND using the car to do it in. UGH.

  • A political science professor told our class one day to always read an article with the idea that there is an agenda. The agenda might not even be recognized by the writer but it’s there. It’s there in television and most definitely there in social media. He said never ignore it. The best example is the word “scorned” because as you said it is the woman. That was a very scorned woman who shot and killed her husband’s mistress and then herself and he had the audacity to go on television a couple of weeks ago and talk about it as if he were a victim. I wasn’t scorned watching it I was very pissed off. He broke his wife’s heart and she did what happens to people when they are grief stricken. She lost her mind.

    • It’s ok get a life, but not ok to take a life.

      Good: move out, join a dating list, go to a shrink, call a divorce attorney, get your palm read, join the local sailing club, take a class.

      Not good: Posting revenge porn, murder, stalking, breaking into ex’s home to snoop, vindictive acts. Makes you an unstable person, at best.

      • Unstable. See? Another way to put the shit sandwich she had to eat. He left her in SC with no job and had started an affair before she even had a chance to pack and move. Do I wish they were both alive? Of course. I do wish he did not come out of this smelling like a rose. He has another job. He will probably fall in love again. I hate injustice and that’s what cheating is. Someone owns your agency…….and your reality.

      • I think if there was a legal avenue for justice the revengeful acts wouldn’t occur as often.

        We need divorce reform and bring back the option of fault divorce for infidelity.

        Then we wouldn’t need to be bitter, scorned, etc.

        • ABSOLUTELY !!

          It pisses me off that people act like adultery and divorce are “victimless crimes” and the victims are told “get over it” and “don’t be bitter and move on”.
          There is a reason that in almost every ancient religion, adultery was a CAPITAL crime and the consequence was death. Our ancestors understood that adultery destroys families and lives and it is a vile crime.

          There is also a MASSIVE difference between a married couple that are young, have been married for a few years with no kids or real assets divorcing. In that case, no fault is fine and most people think of divorce cases as all being like this. However there is a complete difference if you have been married decades, have minor children and a lifetime’s worth of assets.

          I will never totally recover financially from my divorce. I literally lost all of the assets that I had accumulated over 20 years which were during my peak earning years.
          Yeah, life goes on and I have remarried and am doing OK but if my Ex hadn’t done what she did, I could be retiring in just a few years like I planned and worked for instead of having to work at least another 15 years. Yet adultery and divorce are “no big deal”.

          • Yep. I’d be retired right this minute and living in a paid for house wintering in warm places. As it is, I will be working for as long as I can see, my house will be paid off when I’m 108 and I will never be living somewhere warm in the winter. That’s what happens to older chumps. I will never ever be able to make up these sunk costs. No fault divorce my ass.

            • Hi Chumptydumpty,
              I hear your pain. 50 year old chump here. I managed our money wisely and had things set up for us to have a pretty good retirement at a decent age. He went and fucked that up; however, his OW drives a porsche so maybe she will take care of him. This shit is so unfair but hey at least I will value myself from now on even though I will be working much longer than I would have (he seems to think he can retire soon – yep delusional all the way).
              Hugs,
              Deee

              • Laughing Gator, Chumpty Dumpty, and Deee,
                I can relate. My now ex-husband decimated me when he abandoned me, and although he can earn many times what I can earn, he refuses to contribute anything more (he contributed a few thousand dollars, a drop in the bucket, while we were married) to our kids’ post-secondary education. Instead, he used the money he agreed to contribute to kids’ post-secondary education fund on sex with prostitutes. Consequently, of the parental contribution to my kids’ modest college/post-secondary business start up fund, between my ex-husband and me, I have almost solely funded it. I am 99% sure that I need to work more than full-time ’til I drop dead, sleep on the living room sofa, and I can never buy a home–at least not where I need to stay, super-expensive region (if I want to regularly see my kids–and no, I’m not the father, I’m the mother–due to custody arrangement). I don’t think that I can pick up and move to much cheaper area after my youngest reaches majority as it will be even harder to find work after I hit 60! At least kids and I are not homeless yet.

    • Having been through hell with a toxic narc Ex and his mentally needy now wife, I truly believe he was using extreme abuse tactics for me either to kill myself, her, or both of us.

      Now that I’m out of the boiling water, I can see that more clearly. I now understand why women resort to such acts, because we just want to be heard and for the abuse to stop. I’m glad I didn’t take his bait and am finding my peace without violence, but understand it will be a long journey for me after years of abuse, blame shifting and gas lighting. It takes its toll.

      He was “forced” to marry her, so I hope they eat each other alive. Then she can wear the label of a scorned woman!

  • There’s a lot of labels I will cop to: abused, bamboozled, fooled, defrauded, objectified, and of course, chumped. But scorned? Nah. Now I prefer labels such as: triumphant, transcendent, victorious, happy, safe and best of all, EX.

  • What is it with cheaters and Batman analogies? My cheater ex liked to style himself as Batman as well. He liked to brag to his APs about how our son thought he was Batman, etc etc. It really showed how he just had a strong need to constantly be adored and never criticized. Ugh, so over it.

  • Don’t forget one of my favorite words: “BITTER”

    Friends (who are now ex-friends and can never even fathom what a chump goes through) tell you, “Don’t be BITTER.

    Your upset because your STBX doesn’t want to give you 1/2 of his retirement even tho he knows you don’t have any because you were relying on his? Well-then you are being BITTER.

    Not forgiving and forgetting the shit that your ex put you thru and pretending to be happy? You’re just BITTER.

    On the famous words of Steve Martin: “Well EXXCCXUUUUSSSEEE me.”

    • I don’t know why people are so afraid of being labelled bitter. I was recently telling a friend how badly I was treated at my previous job. She was like agh, God forbid, you sound like you’re bitter! I told her, of course I’m bitter, I had put my energy, love, commitment and dedication to the job only to be a victim (yes, I’m not afraid of this word either) of institutionalised bigotry. I might be a bitter victim but I’ve got a new job now where I’m paid almost three times better. And I still have bitter feelings if I think back. You know what? They can label me whatever they want. As long as I’m bitter I won’t eat shit sandwiches anymore.

    • Stronger Now,
      Well said! I think that a lot of people who say, ‘Don’t be bitter,’ to those of us who has suffered a major life-altering wrong have not experienced the trauma that stems from being abused repeatedly. Not only are these people telling us how to behave but they are also invalidating us, telling us how to feel, which, in a way, is trying to deprive us of our last, most important right, the right to feel the way we feel–in a sense, doing what a lot of our exes did to us.

      • AGREED. Saying “don’t be bitter” is equivalent to saying “it’s your fault you suffer”. Infidelity does not lead to a normal “we’ve grown apart” divorce.

        I can’t imagine telling someone who was a victim of a physical crime “don’t be bitter.”

        Hey, I know the arsonist burnt down your house, but don’t be bitter.
        Sorry you lost your leg in that insurgent attack, but don’t be bitter, m’kay?
        Sorry Bernie embezzled your retirement and you then lost your home, but don’t be bitter.

    • Ex uses “don’t be bitter” constantly. Its because after what he did custody orders are rock solid-No negotiations. “don’t be bitter is used to try to get you to drop your boundaries. I am close to a year divorced and everyday I am grateful to be done with him. I would be at meh if we didn’t have minor children.

    • Oh the word bitter ENRAGES me. Like why can’t I be upset that I was mistreated. I was called that and maybe I was…but I redefined the word for myself not to have such a derogatory meaning. I get tired of people giving such a negative portrayal of the person whose done nothing wrong and when the innocent reacts people revert to name calling. It’s crazy

  • Even though the divorce is final he has refused to sign my car over to me. What is it with these guys and cars? He was ordered in mediation to do this and after the divorce the judge ordered him again to sign it over. He has not. I have no money left so I’m Going pro se and serving him with contempt.

    • Guys and cars, I know, right? My ex went out and bought a Mercedes AMG sports car about 6 months before D-Day, which should have been a sign that something was amiss. In the divorce, he was somewhat shocked to realize that it is technically “our car” and so I offered, generously, to let him keep that car and I would keep the Toyota Rav4, which was my car. We sold our house and I downsized- one daughter went to college and so it was just me, our younger daughter and our dogs. My new house is in a very hilly, windy-road part of our sort of rural town, with houses built into the slope and very steep driveways. My Rav4 takes the driveway no problem, having good traction and high clearance. He came to pick up our daughter the first time in his pretty little black, low-to-the ground Mercedes and I heard this awful scraping, screeching noise as he came up the driveway, then peered out to see him looking in horror at the underside of his car. And I said, “Oh, I’m so sorry-did I not warn you about the driveway?” with a barely contained smile. It saved me from having to go all Carrie Underwood on it. (ref “before he cheats” -great song even for the non country music fans)

    • Cars appear to be a thing. Ex got truck in my name with conditions that he make payment and get refinanced in his name within 90 days. He missed a payment and posted how he was going to “Bitch Slap Me”. A phone call to attorney. He decided to give me the truck. I kept it and drove it around about a month. Sold that truck made $8500 profit. Get you a good Attorney!

    • My ex was texting me that he had no grocery money and no money for shoes or a new jacket. He said his shoes were split and he couldn’t zip his jacket. I found out through our car insurance company that he had paid cash for a new Mustang 4 months before these texts.

  • Chump Lady-You schooled me on the use of scorned when you ran my letter about my ex asking if he could bringing “a date” to our daughter’s recital. I think I referred to myself (jokingly) as a woman scorned. Really we are now all women (and men) “schorned”-which is a much better thing than being scorned. : )

  • The boogeyman in the closet here is intent. If you are a chump and your mate acts like he/she loves and values you, and especially if a marriage VOW is given, you believe you have a legitimate long term relationship and plan accordingly. You may not think about economic inequities in the same way others do. In the world my grandmother grew up in, a man worked a job to earn the income and a woman worked to run the house and raise the children. Like it or not. Well suited for it or not. Things have obviously changed, and women’s roles have changed. Woman can now work to earn income, and may be better earners than the man. If the intent is pure in the relationship, and both partners agree to step up and share the workload of running the house and raising the children, the economic inequity doesn’t matter in the long run. They are building a life together. But if the intent is not pure, if one partner is taking economic advantage of the other, and breaking the agreed upon rules of the partnership, then abusive fraudulent theft is going on. If an OW/OM sees the situation from the outside, and believes the misrepresentations of the abuser, that person may well think they can replace the unwittingly abused spouse, and live the “good life” the lying abuser/user pretends to provide. All intent and purpose changes. It becomes criminal. The basic defense in court is to blame the victim, even with the defense “She/he should have known better.” Not true in the court of the heart, but legal without being moral.

    This is the world we live in. Laws must change, attitudes must change, and we must all work for a more equitable world for any relationship to stand a chance of working. Uneducated folks may consider us scorned. We know we are seeking justice. Do what you can do to make the changes needed. Don’t worry about what the fools think, you are doing your best for yourself and your children. That is truly all that can be expected of anyone.

  • Fuck that noise. Scorned and bitter are the tags asshole stbxuses to reframe the abuse. Now the fool wants to include ‘punitive’ and ‘punish’ in the Legal proceedings.
    Sorry, not sorry Felicia. I am sticking to the facts and exercising my full rights to protect myself and the kids. 25yrs of documented abuse. That speaks to consequences which seem like punishment for getting your ass caught”to cheaters. This Chump will not roll over and play doormat

  • I am a relatively new chump ( 6 months ) and no where near ready to date , but when i am if i ever meet a grown man that modifies his car in to the Batmobile i would dump him immediately anyway !!

  • So spot on!! I was called the “scorned wife” by opposing counsel all throughout my divorce proceedings. I wanted half of his retirement because I was “scorned”. I wanted spousal support NOT because I was a SAHM, but because I was “scorned”. I sought reimbursement for utilities that he was court ordered to pay but instead shut them off – because I was “scorned”. The division of marital assets that were legally mine, but yet I was “scorned” because I insisted on . . . consequences. Again when I went to court for a protective order after the ex was stalking me. I was just “scorned” and trying to get payback because I never recovered from his betrayal – NOT because he was so obsessed that he was stalking me FOUR YEARS LATER. That stupid quote “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” is perpetuating the word. It gives attorneys for cheaters a podium to stand on and beat their chest. I have not rolled my eyes more in my entire life!!

  • When I threw my cheating partner out of the house I owned, a few days later I received an email from the OW calling me “mean-spirited” and “scornful” for depriving him of a home! He was farking her while living at my expense….I did laugh at the time, but events since then make me think these people actually thought they were entitled to carry on with me footing the bills.

    • I kicked my ex out of my house too. He felt it wasn’t fair that I got to keep the house while he “got nothing”. It’s my house, I bought it, I work on it, I pay the mortgage while he sat on his ass and hadn’t paid his “rent” for three years!

      The sense of entitlement with these shitstains is mind boggling!

    • Marci-I hear you….

      When I wouldn’t be friends with my STBX’s girlfriend(because she was his mistress 12 years ago), he called me a “Bully.”

      I’d rather be a bully than a pushover…..

  • There were tons of complaints about my “volatile emotions”. My cheating ex-wife didn’t like the fact that she didn’t know which SweetPotatoFlakes she was going to be dealing with that day. Was it the hurt and angry one or the understanding and patient one? Apparently I was insensitive to how much stress my roller-coaster of emotions was putting on her! She thought I should have tried harder to keep calm. She was calm even though her world was crumbling…why couldn’t I be calm?

    I even went to an anger management 12 step group. I finally quit when everyone in the group told me that I was the “calmest person they knew”.

    Only after finding my meh and trusting that she sucks did I truly see everything. Take any human, except for the most heavily medicated, and put them in my situation and they would react the exact same way or worse.

    I am not scored…I’m a healthy person, who had a normal reaction, to a horribly toxic situation.

    • I’m sure the Dickhead would have said the same about me – which mood is she in today? I don’t know. Just once, I would have loved to come into our house and felt like he was really happy to see me. Sorry to say, I hadn’t felt that in years. Yet, I kept letting him know that I was happy to see him after work every day, even 18 years later. Because I meant it.

      I wasn’t scorned. I was angry at being used and duped for 18 years. I was sad that he turned out to be such a complete POS. I was so messed up at how fast I was discarded and how fast he found the next mark. Scorned, no. Understandingly hurt and upset, yes.

  • I was never called scorned, at least to my face,

    But when Ex wanted my engagement ring back (after 28 years of marriage, 2 kids, and serial cheating on his part) I was called a bitch.

    And several years after D, when I refused to take my name off as sole beneficiary of his life insurance policy, I was called a selfish bitch.

    Hahaha. All is not well in their greener pasture and schmoopieville. The predatory OW wanted my life, and EX has to now work well beyond his retirement years to fund the life she was after. I have been able to simplify my life and start to enjoy my retirement.

    As for my engagement ring? It is sitting in a safe until the marquis cut comes back in style and then I will sell and take a nice vacation👍

  • How can she be scorned when she is retrieving her property and selling it? That is bad ass.

    I hope she recouped every dime she spent and more than a few of the additional money spent on the damn thing.

  • I’m sorry Tracy, but I think you’re reading this incorrectly. A “scorned woman” is a woman who has been treated with scorn by someone else. She has been rejected in a contemptuous way. Your entire post argues as if the woman was called “scornful,” and if she had been then I would agree with you that it’s inappropriate. But the “scorned woman” construction is similar to saying a “betrayed woman” or a “celebrated woman”; somebody else is doing the verb. You write “Ironic, isn’t it that chumps get stuck with ‘scorn’? Because contemptuous rejection is EXACTLY what cheaters do.” I’d argue that that’s exactly what the headline says. This Detroit woman was indeed scorned: she was treated scornfully by her cheating boyfriend, who contemptuously rejected her.

    Judging from the other comments, it certainly seems like most people here read “scorned woman” as an adjective describing some negative characteristic of the woman, rather than as a participle declaring something that was done to her. I don’t agree and think the usage in the headline is fine.

    • I agree with Chris on the meaning of ‘scorned.’ I think that the big issue in society is the treatment of people who are chumped, especially by those who think someone who was chumped/dumped must have ‘done something wrong’ or been defective.

      I wish that I could ‘get over’ being scorned, contemptuously rejected by some narcissistic, opportunistic jerks, one of whom I married and some of whom I wanted to marry (including last partner). Really sad about being alone (partnerless) for years, too, as some of my exes seem to have ‘ridden off into the sunset’ and my life has been ‘tanking’ for years. I try to be optimistic but often find myself falling into despair. (Body seems to be breaking out in hives or something similar, perhaps consequence of unrelenting stress over the last couple of years. Long-term partnership (with a good partner) is not essential to everyone but would bring benefits (sexual (as in sexual connection with another person, not oneself), physical, emotional, intellectual, and financial) to my family and me (and I hope my (hypothetical) partner), but I have given up hope of ever finding a decent partner or achieving many of the goals I have spent years trying to achieve. Trying to be completely self-reliant, for my kids’ sake at least, but have not become self-reliant, even in my fifties. As an unemployed divorced middle-aged mother of young kids, I feel ‘imprisoned’ and ‘stir-crazy’ from being stuck in a downward spiral–as though things will never get better–even though I tell myself that I will do whatever I can to make this last phase of my life a ‘riotous’ (adventurous, noble) one all by myself.

      Is anyone else in this boat? If so, how are you dealing with the situation?

  • As an aside, and going back to the original article about the Batmobile, did nobody else notice that (a) the “scorned” woman actually bought the Twat his car and then (b) Schmoopie “Batmobiled” it out for him to the tune of $5,000? Wonder who wipes his arse!

    • Bet he has another side piece for that who cuts his toenails for him as well ! After finding this blog a few years ago,I realized that’s a thing with narc men, expecting their women to give them pedicures. Never in my life would I do this !

  • I still like the post (it may have been on CN) where the spouse used money from their joint account to rent a bill board in their home town. And, announce to the whole world, her STBX (actual name) was sleeping with office ho-worker (actual name) at the company of (fill in the blank). This was the best created karma moment!!! In My Opinion

  • To have to ‘move on’, not talk about it, tell only close friends, etc etc is all BULLSHIT!
    Don’t we let it all out here?! Yea! And guess what? We can let it all out wherever the hell we feel like it! I’m not gonna be shut down so as not to be labeled as ‘scorned’ or any other bullshit word. It is what it is and I’ll tell my story to anyone who wants to listen. It was a HORRIFIC ordeal for all of us and it really aggravates me when people say be the better person etc. Fuck that!
    It feels good to get it off my chest; it’s my therapy. I don’t have to be the bigger person etc; I didn’t ask to be fucked and manipulated and I get to tell my story……as many times as I please!
    Free speech and I don’t give a damn as to how it comes off.

    • I am with you. Never will I be silenced. Have I quieted down – hell ya but anyone who tries to tell me that cheating, gaslighting, lying, stealing, and stonewalling is normal hears my truth that it is emotional abuse and is not okay.
      Leaving someone is okay but do it in an ethical kind manner and then you won’t be known as a shithead cheater. The only way to change the narrative is to speak the truth and open up the dark box and let the sun shine in.
      People can call me anything they want but I know the truth – I am a kind, empathetic, and loving individual who did not deserve to be treated like this (although really no one deserves this). Yes, I was naive and trusting but I would rather look on the bright side than the dark.
      No one gets to tell me how to feel – those feelings are mine – I agree with Ihavehate that talking is my therapy. I have received so much support from talking to others. I would also like to think that I have provided some comfort or education to others along the way. Hugs fellow chumps!!

  • I haven’t been called scorned (to my face) lol but I was called bitter! Several times after I JUST found out…I was like but but I am NOT!!!

    Best thing my therapist ever said to me….”Look what he did! Why wouldn’t you be bitter you’ve been blindsided. Your allowed to feel whatever your feeling and don’t let him ever take that from you too”.

  • I’m taking this opportunity to reframe a hurt that I’ve been holding onto. My apologies in advance to any Willie Nelson fans….

    Badass Texas Woman Sells Husband’s Christmas Present Concert Tickets – and Makes HIM Deliver Them to Buyer

    A woman who really, really disliked Willie Nelson somehow married a fan who spent the next 20 years of their marriage bemoaning that the responsibilities of fatherhood and finances kept him from seeing his country music hero in concert. Growing weary of his complaints that Willie would probably die before he ever got the chance to go, and hoping to lift his spirit from the funk he’d been in for several months, she saved and scrimped and planned. As a Christmas gift surprise, she presented him with concert tickets for the two of them to travel to Austin to see Willie on New Year’s Eve. He looked across the room over his precious children’s heads as they busily unwrapped all the dollar store presents that she had purchased without any help from him, and he flatly stated that he would not be going. The surprise was on her as he’d decided to divorce her and said he’d rather be anywhere on New Year’s Eve but with her. Holding back the internal sobs and screams, she continued on with her children’s Christmas celebration and dinner until that night when everyone was in bed. Then she listed his tickets for sale with the description “Ungrateful bastard doesn’t want to go and I need to sell quickly and for as much as I can because apparently I’m getting divorced now and I’m a stay at home mom without any money.” By the next morning she had dozens of inquiries but one potential buyer stood out from the replies. His email showed he was an attorney for a fancy-sounding law firm, he offered to pay full price, and his wording was harsh about what a dumb man the husband must be. But he lived in a city 2 hours away, so the woman informed her husband that not only had she sold the tickets but that HE would have to make the drive to deliver them. Unbeknownst to her at the time, the funk her husband had been in was actually emotional abuse toward her as he’d been having an affair, the reason they were so broke that Christmas was due to the money he’d been spending on hotels and dinners with this woman, he’d been too preoccupied buying Christmas gifts for this woman to get any for her or their children, and he was all too happy to make the drive to the city to sell the tickets since that’s where the other woman lived. When she discovered the affair some months later, these ironies nearly killed her. But given the information she had at the time, and looking back in retrospect upon that day, she is quite proud of her snap decision to sell his Christmas concert tickets and make him deliver them to the buyer. She’s a fucking badass. And he still hasn’t been to a Willie Nelson concert.

  • Yes, scorned has the connotation out that the cheated upon woman was a bit of an emasculating shrew that somehow deserved to be taught a lesson because she was less than pleasant, and this is of course proven by the revenge she chooses to take instead of falling in a heap (as we all do) Anger is often not an acceptable response in women. If we do something vengeful it’s seen that we didn’t care that much in the first place. I was super angry after dday in between the bouts of weeping, I really read him the riot act and hardened up immediately and began to stand my ground. The marriage counsellor took his side as I think she saw this side of me that really wanted to stand up for myself and say this is not my fault and I won’t be blamed for his bullshit and saw that attitude as an example of why he had done what he had in the first place.

  • Fuck it. I had a good post about this being my “antiversary,” and since all my support group are busy or overseas, and my kids can’t understand what I’m going through, I’m asking you guys to be my emotional backup. Then the site died on me and I lost my intended post.

    I ended it w/, “Hell hath no fury like a husband scorned.” Especially a husband who loved his former wife w/all his heart. Well, fuck her. Her loss. And look, I got all you guys in return. Thanks for being there, CL and CN!

  • The news article was clearly written by:

    A) a cheater merely pushing myths to the clueless

    B) a scorned-by-the-ex cheater who only wanted Cake not a divorce

    C) a scorned-by-the-AP-cheater (coz that must be chump’s fault of course)

    D) current deluded partner of a cheater naively sucked in by lies

    E) current desperate-to-justify-and-blameshift-partner of a cheater who helped cheater to cheat

    F) a scorned (and possibly unhinged enough to boil bunnies) AP

    More likely one of the above than the average foolish idiot-who-believes-self-to-be-a-real-journalist

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