And now you can be an amateur sleuth too thanks to this free download on Amazon: Investigative Questions for Couples Experiencing Infidelity.
Whodunnit? Well, that’s obvious. It’s that cheater sitting next to you. (Gasp!)
But is it really? Maybe… maybe… IT’s YOU!
Not meeting their needs were you? Bludgeoning their exuberant aliveness with a candlestick in the library… A-HA!
It’s time to get to the bottom of this mystery. The Universal Bullshit Translator will be randomly answering some of the queries in this four-page exploration of why it’s all your fault.
Without further ado…
MEANING AND MOTIVES
What did the affair mean to you?
Well, Esther, it was an exuberant act of defiance. Once I had cast off the shackles of mating in captivity (good rat! push the lever for a treat!) and was free to shag randos, it meant freedom, Esther. Sweet god damn freedom.
Some might judge me as a cheater, but you know and I know, that I am a freedom fighter.
Were you looking for it? Did it just happen?
Well, after I texted pictures of my junk to several interns, posted 37 profiles on hornypatheticdudes.com, 8 on match, 4 on ChristianMingle, 7 on eHarmony, was catfished by a Nigerian, teased by fembots (yes, I AM a sexy boy, thank you for noticing!), messaged all my old girlfriends on Facebook and their acquaintances, FINALLY got a live one, bought a burner phone, spent 2000 hours sexting, setting up the Quality Inn reservations and mediocre steak dinners….
Yes, it just happened.
Why do you think you could not express your needs to me, emotional, intellectual or sexual?
Cause I got a live one in a Quality Inn across town.
Did you discover new parts of yourself or recover lost ones in that relationship?
Rumors of my third penis are grossly exaggerated. But if you must know, Esther, I have two penises. And a giant vagina at the back of my head. And another under my armpit. My asshole has an asshole.
I am a delightful garden of orifices.
Do you think you could show me those newly discovered parts?
Naughty, naughty, Esther!
DYNAMICS OF SECRECY AND REVELATION
What do you want me to know about your affair?
It’s your fault. I wasn’t there. I don’t remember.
Did you lie out of deception or were you hoping to protect me with your lies?
Oh, I lied to protect you. I just noticed some lint on your sweater. Let me hit you with this lead pipe and get it off.
REFLECTIONS ON THE PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP
Was your affair a rejection of our relationship? Did you see it as a sign of something missing between us?
Thank you for the prompt. Yes, I wasn’t rejecting you, I was merely pointing out (with my many orifices) all the ways in which you were deficient. I’m not a cheater, I am someone who misses things. Things you could give me if you weren’t so busy with distractions like work and babies and lawn mowing.
Dance a little prettier and I might let you keep the “primary” spot. Perhaps.
Were you trying to get my attention?
Yes, that’s why I bought a secret cell phone and created fake profiles like SpankyBoy56 — to get your attention. You broke the enigma code.
That was my plan all along.
INTEGRATION THE AFFAIR INTO THE PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP: RECIPROCAL QUESTIONS FOR PARTNER TO ASK ONE ANOTHER
Can you forgive me? Or, how much forgiving do you need for us to move on?
A 401K’s worth? How about we scrap the forgiveness but you continue to fold my underwear? I’m magnanimous like that.
Do you think you’ve changed your values in relation to monogamy?
I think so. Fucking escorts was your first clue.
FOCUS ON THE HURT PARTNER
Can you understand my anger and hurt?
Don’t you have some underwear to fold?
Are you open to further conversation if I have questions that will help me better understand your actions?
I’m glad you’ve approached me with the proper deference after I fucked around on you, stole your money, and risked your health.
Sure, let’s have a conversation about me! Of course, I will lie to you — but not with deception! but to protect you.
Do you want me to stay?
Well, that laundry’s not going to fold itself.