Dear Chump Lady,
So my husband of seven years fed me the fairytale. Everything you would want in a husband he encompassed. He was handsome, loving, supportive, kind, thoughtful, caring — the list could go on. He was also religious, which made me finding his text messages to his girlfriend on Christmas Eve even more fitting. I am also religious and have a deep love for God. After D-day, I took a couple weeks away from him. When I returned, he gave me the standard I can’t live without you speech.
However, he only lasted about 10 days before he left me in the driveway to go on a ski trip with the OW. Driving the new car I had bought him only two days before I found out about the affair. So I packed his things up in trash bags and placed them in storage.
Well, fast forward about a month — when he finds out that I’m going to file divorce papers. He immediately switches from I couldn’t care less, to doing everything I asked for when I first found out. He goes to therapy, gets a new phone number, goes sees our pastor, says he will switch professions (he’s a cop), but most upsetting is he begins to send me long text messages where he prays for me.
He takes the most sacred thing to me and sounds so sincere. How can someone who just broke every vow and covenant to you pretend he is now a saint? Plus, he knows his faith is why I truly feel in love with him in the first place. It messes with my head and makes me think he may be sincere. Help me stand in the actual truth that he sucks! I love God, but I hate he is using my faith to break down my defenses. He still hasn’t taken any responsibility, but has blamed his actions on being stuck in darkness and tempted.
Here is an abbreviated version of one of the many prayers he texts me:
God meet her in the quiet place tonight. Liberate her from the torment of her mind. Turn every tear into a testimony for they are precious in your sight. Shadow her in your unfailing love. God, I plead at the foot of your throne for restoration of her soul and spirit. Cast out all fear and trembling and replace it with your confidence and strength. Let her walk in the fullness of your calling. Deliver unto her unspeakable joy. Show her Your ways and guide her in Your truth. I simply ask You to love on her tonight, in only a way that You can. Amen
I always thank My God as I remember you in my prayers because of your love. I can’t imagine life without you. I Love You so much!! ❤️
Sincerely,
Not This Girl
Dear Not This Girl,
What a holy little mindfuck he is. I think it’s telling that he thinks YOU are the one who needs prayers. He pleads at the throne for the restoration of your SOUL? That’s pretty rich. Projection much? At least you have a soul, which is more than he can say.
How can I resist putting such a Jesus cheater through the Universal Bullshit Translator?
God meet her in the quiet place tonight.
God, shut her up and make her believe my bullshit.
Liberate her from the torment of her mind.
Liberate her from the torment of common sense.
Of course, you could liberate her from me, (I’m a torment), but really, liberate her from the afflictions of self-respect and rationality.
Turn every tear into a testimony for they are precious in your sight.
Tears are precious kibbles. Chumps are precious in my sight, the way they cry and confer importance on me. And buy me cars and ski trips.
Shadow her in your unfailing love.
Shadow her, God, and monitor her comings and goings, for she may divorceth me and rain the hot coals of consequences upon my head, and smite me with lawyers.
God, I plead at the foot of your throne for restoration of her soul and spirit.
God, I plead with you! Restore her chumpiness!
Cast out all fear and trembling and replace it with your confidence and strength.
Cast out all fear and trembling, and replace it with confidence in my bullshit. It is strong. Make her weak.
Let her walk in the fullness of your calling. Deliver unto her unspeakable joy.
Actually, I don’t give a flip about her joy. But a fuckfest ski weekend with my mistress in that new car? Unspeakable joy delivery! With a side of cake!
Show her Your ways and guide her in Your truth.
Your ways and my ways are ONE. I’m a flaming narcissist, so God’s an extension of me.
Whatever I want, God wants. See how that works?
I simply ask You to love on her tonight, in only a way that You can. Amen
God/Me would like to remind you of the way I love on you, in only that way that I can. Remember? Huh, huh? Remember the good times?
God/Me spreads the love around, so don’t take it personally. I’m just generous like that.
I always thank My God as I remember you in my prayers because of your love. I can’t imagine life without you. I Love You so much!! ❤️
I thank me for me. I can’t imagine life without me. I love me so much!
—-
Not This Girl — This guy is just your run-of-the-mill Jesus cheater. “Prayer” for him is just another word for manipulation. Don’t let him take your faith. Keep God and dump the loser. ((Hugs))
This one ran before. NotThisGirl if you’re out there, let us know how his “prayers” worked out.
May his prayers be answered:
“Cast out all fear and trembling and replace it with your confidence and strength…”
In order to do the right thing and leave this blasphemous cheater.
You are on the right path, stay the course.
Just wow! I guess I missed this one the first time it ran. You need some pretty high boots to get through that volume of BS. Please chime in, Not This Girl! I hope God helped to liberate you from this mind fuck master!
I thought this was relevant about today’s post:
Should you ever reach the point of truly facing what you have done, the guilt will be crushing. And that is what makes the gospel of Christ so sweet. Because it extends grace and hope and mercy where none should be found. And it will be there for you.
I pray you experience the soul crushing weight of guilt so you may someday experience true repentance and true forgiveness from God, which you need far more than forgiveness from me — though I extend that to you as well.
Rachel Denhollander – victim of creepy gymnast dr who abused 250 girls.
Nice, but it would just be kibbles to a narcissist.
I love Rachael Denhollander and what she said at her impact victim speech. Thanks for sharing, In light of grief. I agree with Jeff above^^^ that it’s kibbles to a narc. They see themselves as the victim. Dr. Larry Nassar wrote a letter to the judge and he made himself out to be the victim of “women scorned”. Narc’s are unable to see their sin, because the problem is not them, but someone else.
I think that God actually listens to his prayers- she is getting a lawyer, reads chump lady- her soul is saved with a help of God.
God is great- that’s why he installed a common sense, intelligence and guided us ( values anyone?) from the beginning.
You can respond to your stbxh- God listened, divorce papers will be served, next stop: freedom.
Wow, reading this takes me back!! It reminds me how thankful I am to be free from this cheating, manipulative, POS!
To anyone who is starting their journey, hang in there! A better life awaits you! There is a beautiful future that is free from constant fear, drama, manipulation, lying, and hopelessness. When I didn’t think I could make it, I always remembered Chump Lady’s question to all her readers, “Is this relationship acceptable to you?” The answer was a strong, “HELL NO! I DESERVE BETTER!!”
Each of us only has one life, please don’t waste it on a cheater! In those moments where it feels like the pain will never go away. Keep going! I promise the pain doesn’t last forever. There were no words to describe how much I loved my husband( I truly believed I couldn’t live without him), but in the end I had to love myself more!! It’s not an easy journey, but it’s worth it. Since that letter to Chump Lady, I have divorced, travelled all over the world, found a trustworthy partner, advanced my career, made new friends, found out I love Zumba, got into consistent therapy, and created a brand new life. To anyone who needs to hear this, keep going! It gets better!! A huge HUG to Chump Lady and the beautiful chump nation! There were days where this site was my main source of comfort, encouragement, and guidance!
Love,
Not This Girl! ????????
tears of joy reading this. how satisfying Not This Girl. and what a piece of holy shit he was/is. i remember my ex going through a period of sending me a hawaiin prayer. Now, when i hear others repeat this prayer, i cringe, even though it is beautiful. he’s ruined it, just like he did everything else.
Thanks Glutenfreekchump! He really is and was a piece of holy shit! ???? And it does feel so satisfying to take back your life and focus your energy on yourself instead of them. Hope you found the road to meh as well! Hugs!! ☺️
Thank you Not this Girl! Needed to read this tonight!
Hell yeah Not This Girl! So happy that you responded to this original post that was yours, to let other Chumps know that leaving is the best decision! Happy to hear you’re living a life of beauty, cheater free!
I too, can attest, that leaving cheaters behind, by default makes life grand, 100%. No matter how afraid you may be to start over, there are good, faithful people out there, who make the effort and reciprocate, and will love your special brand no matter how unlovable you may think you are, or how much you thought cheater was the only option. Single life is also equally enjoyable too, once you find yourself and your new normal. I believe that doing the hard work pays off and brings the right people and situations to you; as well as trims the fat of what no longer serves you. A little faith goes a long way. Hurray for another triumphant chump story!
Only slightly related but my first thought on reading that was “oh dear God, what a bunch of stinking crap”. I sincerely hope you got away from this cheating, lying, (un)God-fearing narc!
This sounds like spiritual abuse to me. Using your faith as a tool to control and manipulate you.
Affairs are a form of abuse. Abuse can be physical, emotional, economic, verbal, sexual, spiritual, stalking. (PEEVSS)
This is fresh on my mind because last night I was at my domestic violence support group as part of my Chump recovery plan.
Launch this one with no fear or regret.
He took an oath to protect and serve. He is only protecting and serving HIMSELF.
https://www.thehotline.org/2015/11/12/what-is-spiritual-abuse/
Velvet Hammer,
Goops, as is common for me I got off track and went around the bend on a rant.
On spirituality and how betrayal has effected me personally:
One of the biggest adjustments, which I didn’t expect by the way, has been with my previous spiritual beliefs. So much of my concept of God was based on my relationship with the x to whom I had a relationship/marriage for 30+ years. The vows I took and trusting in God that I was doing the right thing and that he was the right man etc. were not taken lightly.
I spent a lot of time in prayer and meditation before committing to the x due to my being an adult child of divorce; I was therefore extremely cautious in regards to marriage. I took the my vows of ‘until death due us part’ seriously and placed all of the faith I had at the time in the God of my understanding. In other words, I was trusting in God and not the x. Almost as though my commitment was to God and not the x. I viewed the whole marriage thing as the two of us creating a new ‘entity’ which was the marriage relationship/bond and I believed that God was the locus of that commitment guiding us both on how to live as a married couple. I thought the x held similar beliefs.
We here all know what happened next…..WRONG. His beliefs were completely different as he went along his merry way being a serial slut.
Well, when Dday hit the God of my understanding took a huge hit too. Through inventory I have discovered a lot of old ideas that were completely hidden from my conscious mind in regards to the God I had trusted. I delved into this because I felt more betrayed by God than I did by the x.
My walk now is about finding a new Power Greater than myself that I can trust again and I find it very challenging to say the least.
I ran across a quote by Meister Eckhart that states well what I am experiencing:
‘Dear God,
Please relieve me of my idea of God so that I can see God directly.’
I find comfort here in knowing that I am not alone and that betrayal slams every part of our existence and that includes my spiritual ideas as a human being trying to live an honorable life to the best of my ability.
Velvet Hammer,
From reading past comments from you I know you are in recovery. Me too. Many years.
After the bomb dropped under my roof I delved into another round of working the steps and added a new ‘instinct’ to the list: social, material, sexual and spiritual. Debate can be started as to if spiritual belongs on the list because can it really be defined as an ‘instinct’….well, I didn’t care about splitting hairs. I just wanted to see how something in me kept me blind and spirituality seemed to fill that space where the other 3 instincts didn’t. It was an eye opener for me.
All of a sudden I saw how predators in the ‘rooms’ use spirituality/God as a hook to catch their ‘prey’. Easy to do the talk and the x had it down to perfection. Makes me cringe at how he did it and for so many years without me catching on. Now I see it in many others.
I am glad because it is being talked about – sponsors of women warning their sponsees to stay away from certain meetings and men. I was so blind.
Back when I got into program it was loosely talked about – 13th stepping, and was referred to like it was kinda ‘cute’.
Many people who were abusing sex/young female newcomers but ‘working a good program’ were literally excused from the consequences of their behavior because ‘they were helping so many people get sober’. The casualties, young female alcoholics whose lives were ruined by these predators, were considered inconsequential. A friend of mine was such a casualty. Fortunately she did find her way back into the rooms after many more years of fear and is now sober and wiser and speaking out about the abuse.
While it is still a touchy topic because there are so many sexually acting out dry drunks sitting in meetings, and some have spouses that are colluding with them, I have hope due to the younger generation who aren’t afraid to speak out. Some of us older ones are speaking up despite the resistance.
Change is slow but back to my original statement and your reference to spirituality abuse. I hear you!
Thanks for posting and good luck with all you are doing for yourself.
Great, great post, EC. Thank you.
Beth,
You are welcome. I have appreciated the comments you leave here too. They give me hope!
Elderly Chump,
Check out Many Roads One Journey by Charlotte Kasl…one of my favorite recovery
(discovery!!) authors.
Thanks for the title. I just requested it at my local library. From the description it sounds just like what I have been searching for.
Recently a good friend hosted an old timers meeting locally. There were about 4 or 5 of us who have been around for 40 years or more; all of us were ‘hard core’ and now, with age and a variety of experiences, we have seen the light and we are struggling with how to carry the message – especially at meeting level.
I know I am struggling to come to terms with a lot of paradoxes – flip sides of the same coin and I know that I am still ‘under construction’ since Dday and divorce so I don’t have much to offer.
I do know that the principles are sound…its those damn personalities 🙂
Thanks again for the recommendation. I look forward to its arrival.
EC,
Lady – you named it! I’m in recovery, here, too (D-Day #3 was on my 28th recovery anniversary). In our local clubhouse, there is a plaque with a relief bust of an historic predator in my recovery community. No longer alive, but he was notorious for the spiritual abuse you describe so well here. He was a former sponsor’s spouse, so I was closer than I wanted to be to ground zero. I cringe and throw up a little in my mouth at the site of his image and want to hang a shroud over it at the least…burn it in the back yard on days when I’m less spiritually fit. Behind the image is the god-like reverence I still hear in the voices of other men, many of whom seem to have measured the predator’s value not in spite of but BECAUSE of “how many, many people he helped” including those he helped himself TO! It nauseates me, but it helps me to realize that I was blinded by the garbage my ex spewed in the name of recovery, but never practiced at home. There was a female newcomer who came up to me after every meeting in which Cheater-X spoke and she would tell me, “I just love your husband.” Isn’t that cute? I thank all that IS holy for leading me to CL & CN before I ran the RIC self-torture gantlet one MORE time. I adore you all here, men and women alike, who have the courage to share your pain & MEH, and help others to see the light and recover our lives. My recovery circle, even moreso. Peace, friends. Beware the spiritual abuser!!!
I know when I started attending larger meetings in the area where I live after Dday, I felt very vulnerable. Afraid to speak up in case someone in the room knew the x. I felt like ‘everyone knew’ and that they felt sorry for me.
That wasn’t the case at all but I did feel that way for awhile.
I also hear a story of a married couple at one of the clubs close by. You know the kind of AA/Al-Anon couple….The AA on a pedestal – the Al-Anon worshiping at his feet. It all looks so cosy. Well, apparently this couple were long time program people. Highly thought of in the 12 Step community because HE was such a spiritual giant – the circuit speaker type of alcoholic….Somehow she learned that he had been cheating for years too but her story didn’t end well. She couldn’t handle it and did commit suicide.
These guys are soooo dangerous. To coin the phrase, ‘I was indeed blind but now I see’.
I am stunned at how blatant it all is now and wonder how on earth I could have missed it.
I was naive – pure and simple – just naive.
I do feel like ‘something’ did save me by taking him out of my life so quickly. The x wanted a divorce almost instantly which horrified me at the time but now I am so grateful that it did turn out the way it has.
Glad you see the light too. (I did the RIC gigs too. That was the only thing I could find in the beginning. Didn’t find CL for about a year into my pick-me-dancing and then my life got very interesting 🙂 )
Velvet Hammet, reading your words “Affairs are a form of abuse.” just validated my therapist’s statement, “Adultery is abuse.” Once I realized the truth in that statement it made it so much easier to leave. I managed to have a shred of self esteem left to refuse to tolerate abuse. Thank You for those powerful words.
I hope New Girl made it safely out of her abusive marriage. Jesus Cheaters are the worst. My little old Auntie put it best saying, “There is a fine line between being a good, Christian wife and a doormat.”
Not This Girl,
I’m a former chump of. One of these holy fuckwits (pastor and missionary).
He and the schmoopie he married now pray for me. They “love” me. They have a “godly” relationship and want me to incorporate schmoopie into my home. It would be the godly thing to do after all.
I understand. Hang in there. Let him have his twisted, worthless faith.
You walk strong!
Bloomingwithouthim, what those two are spouting out of their mouths are directly from the mouth of Satan. Not God. He never once condoned adultery.
Mine wanted friendship- wanted to be with the OW but couldn’t bear the thought of losing my friendship, which was, honestly the better part of our marriage.
I think they want that “togetherness” for validation. It’s not about forgiveness. If you accept them- allow them into your home- into your life- then you are accepting them for who they are and for the things they’ve done.
Image and consequence management.
Happily,
Exactly. They are popular, wealthy, “godly” people operating a “godly” business that used to be 50% mine. They have all the perks, except my cooperation and that of my kids.
They want validation and approval so they can play their game with no difficulties. I’m not ever going to cooperate. No friendship, approval, or anything else that even hints at it.
He asked a few times why we can’t be friends- get together and laugh like we used to.
I said, you’ve endangered our kids, cheated on me, kicked me out, lied to and manipulated people…
why would I want to be friends with someone like that?
Followed by “I wish you could know me know… the person I am today.”
I said, “Well, I know you better now than ever, which is why we cannot be friends.”
#cutthekibblesupply
Mic drop, HappilyFree!
Right on sista!!
Mine also wanted friendship. It’s hard to triangulate the new supply when you don’t have a third person. I went no contact. I’m done being abused, it’s the OW’s turn now.
They want you in their/ into your home? No problem, he needs to convert into Islam because he wants a harem.
Seriously? They must have just skipped the 60 verses in the Bible references “Adultery” . It never ceases to amaze and make me mad, how people will use the Bible to justify their bad behavior.
Blooming, do not open your door to the evil that is your Jesus Cheater and his whore. I imagine they might be like vampires and unable to enter without an invitation. Unfortunately unlike vampires, their evil walks among us. How dare they demand anything of you. That reeks of privilege and entitlement, fuck them very much. Oh hell NO. As Elderly Chump reminds us “No is a complete sentence.”
I just can’t even. This makes me sicker than my own ex. He is also a former pastor but he is now marrying a non-Christian so at least he’s not trying to say they’re both these awesome Christians. Although he is apparently (my daughter says) more into Jesus now. But your story!?! I literally can’t even.
Jesus Chesters are the worst because they are so fucking smug.
My X is a Minister. I helped put him through 7 years of University education to get him ordained.
While at Seminary doing his Master’s he “met his soul mate”. Where he cheated in a spectacular style, right out in the open with his squad of flying monkeys and his enablers.
So, I know what kind of mind fuck this is.
I once had a lady tell me “ just because you stand in the garage, it does not make you a car”.
I hope this letter writter went Grey Rock and kicked his ass to the curb.
Lucky and I were buddies on another board during a chunk of this (when we were both still married to our Cheaters) so we each got the blow-by-blow.
So what was the lady trying to say with the car analogy? That they look like cheaters but aren’t really? Well time showed her, huh? (but Im sure they all just spun the narrative a little).
He is a ghastly man.
Hi Unicorn!!!!
Just because a person goes to church, doesn’t automatically mean they are a good Christian. If he sucks, he sucks .
I always look forward to reading your posts. It seems fitting that your x is sitting in purgatory thinking on what he chose to do with his life, while you have moved on to a beautiful new one !
Even though we have never met in person, I feel you know more about me than most family members and close friends.
❤️
I thought at first that you meant the woman was defending his cheating, not condemning it…yes she is right – he can say he is a man of God all day but he didn’t stay true to what he vowed.
And I will never forget you all and how you carried me through that awful time. Love.
I came on here to say the Jesus Cheaters I read about here freak me out the most because they really think they’ve still got God on their side? If they think that, they’ll do anything … I fear for the physical safety of women in these situations the most. And this guy even even has the brotherhood of law on his side because he’s a cop! I hope this woman is okay now.
Simple: Go Meh!!!
Trust me the it is BEST
I also had the misfortune of putting my ex-husband through seminary. After discovery he indicated that he might finish his endless masters degree so that he could help other sex addicts understand God better. He thought that the “thorn in his flesh” the Apostle Paul mentions repeatedly was a sex addiction. You can’t make this stuff up…
Anyway, yes, Chump Lady, can you write more about Jesus Cheaters? I have a feeling they are quite a large subgroup. So sad, yet so funny once you have distance to look back and see the crazy…
And I suppose he wanted you to finance that master’s degree…
You betcha!
In light of grief, if you haven’t already found his blog, Divorce Minister addresses Jesus Cheaters. He has a very helpful book that he published too. 🙂
“I think it’s telling that he thinks YOU are the one who needs prayers. He pleads at the throne for the restoration of your SOUL? That’s pretty rich. Projection much? ”
THIS
And he drove off with Schmoopie in the car the Chump bought. ugh
Yes, I hope we get an update from this gal. I got a spiritual mindfuck bit it was more nuanced…I was told that our Catholic marriage was never valid because he had such reluctance on our wedding day that in his mind, he did not consent thus we were never validly married. I asked him (in wreckonciliation) to fix that and get our marriage blessed and he told me he would …in 5 years…so I waited and then he refused. He dropped dead and I did get married in that same Church…to someone else.
WTF!!!!! That’s the craziest mindfuck I’ve ever heard. If the Dickhead would have spouted this drivel, I would have thought he’s lost his mind. Wait, I do remember
telling someone that he’s not right, something is wrong with him. Same applies to the deceased.
When the 5 years had passed and the event should have been right around the bend, not only did not follow through but he had his friend (ironically the best man in our wedding 25 years earlier) tell me. At the time, the abusive arrows came so fast and regularly that I didnt even recognize them as such.
He did NOT want to lose his “get out of jail free” card…what he really wanted (Ive come to believe) is to be divorced and not be accountable for it. He tried many different tactics but I just refused to be the one who pulled the trigger.
Oddly enough, he did show some decency when I offered (gulp, you will all be horrified) to hand over my retirement fund for him to buy back his business he had sold. He refused it which makes me now believe he intended to leave me still and knew if I owned his business the divorce would be ickier.
As a faithful Catholic, the conundrum of being in a marriage that my husband declared as invalid (but I could only prove after a divorce) so I was neither free nor married, was hellish. The day I found him dead on the floor, one of my first thoughts was “now we can never have our marriage blessed”. That was my second thought…my first thought was rather sad now that I have learned the extent of his treachery…I thought “I hope I never made him feel as if he was not good enough”. I really loved him deeply to his last breath..to bad I was all alone in it.
You are a deeply good person to continue to love him despite his treachery.
I loved him despite abuse, I loved him
despite betrayal, I loved him when he did the above, I loved him when he died, I loved him when I found photos of Susan in his office after he died. In all these times I cried and cried and cried.
My love started to die the day I learned that his initial explanation for the time with Susan was riddled with lies (thus our wreckonciliation was based on a lie) and the day I learned there were other affairs before her, my love died so fast I literally did not shed a tear.
Please know though… I don’t love him but neither do I want him in Hell. I prayed for his soul for decades and his salvation is my solace. If I get to Heaven, though…I don’t want to live in the same neighborhood as him.
I don’t think you need worry about that, my dear Unicornomore. Surely faith and faithfulness such as yours will be rewarded.
This>>>>”I don’t want to live in the same neighborhood as him.”
Unicornomore, this made me laugh as I have said this to myself so many times.
I even said to my EX lying pastor — “When I die, I hope I don’t end up where you and the cheater are going.” He can interpret that any way he wants! 🙂
This sounds just like my ex! I mean JUST like him. Jesus Cheater all-the-way. I guess Jesus wants that 50 year old men to find fuck buddies on dating sites and screwing 24 yr old smoochie nanny behind their devoted love’s back just as much as He wants us to go to church. This is a whole different level of mind fuck especially when you see Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater and Smoochie Pie living a good life. It’s hard not to feel like why didn’t God protect me, what’s wrong with me, who can I turn to for help, etc? I’m still struggling with it but finally coming out on the other side. Hope all the other chumps that dealt with level of mindfuckery are as well.
After all, the synagogues in the Old Testament had whores in them!! And how many wives did those old kings have? And isn’t Bethsheba romanticized? They use all that in their heads as justification of God’s order.
And God forbid if they are Mormon. One Mormon boss had me in his list of wives for the afterlife. Apparently, they can still believe in polygamy in another life, just not practice it in this one. And I was already married. His earthly wife told me…. I quit the job. Should have sued…
A list of wives in the afterlife ?! I learn something new every day.
I am not especially religious but I do live by those golden rules…and I do believe God or a greater power had a hand in saving my life by exposing x’s affair. There is nothing worse than a marriage in which lies are the foundation. Odds now, I have a better shot at “happily ever after.”
Ugh this is awful abuse to use something so important and holy as a smokescreen. Nasty. As a died -in-the wall atheist myself I can only imagine how much additional layer of hurt this must cause but it’s really low down and dirty. In fact I have often cited that while I am not a person of faith myself I have a lot of respect for people who do and I’ve always said that I bloody hope they are all right and I”m wrong because then these fuckwits will get their judgement day and in my non -belief system there is nothing quite so sure that will happen.
That’s some nasty abuse right there, really low. Pray for you? Hope you took him to the cleaners. Literally who do they think they are.
Have we ever run a “where are they now?” article? I’d love to see how mighty these chumps have become…but admit that knowing any have gone back and are living in denial would make me feel very gaggy.
Send it to the mistress. I snarkly wager he sent the same prayer to her.
Meow Mix, similar situation: XH gave me a book of love poems by Pablo Neruda. I found out from OW behind door #2 that he gave her the exact same book at the same time. She pointed out to him that Neruda wrote the poems for his wife. He said, “so?” ????????????????????
Some cheaters like my XH are so malignant and sociopathic they barely resemble humans when the mask drops.
It’s very traumatic.
Thanks for sharing this lump of pain, Motherchumper99. The nerve! Gah!!
During the first of his innumerous affairs, our 2d year of marriage, Cheater X gave ma a copy of Melody Beattie’s “The Language of Letting Go” (daily reflections on codependency). I have only 2 books from my early recovery: this and my “Big Book” (30 years ago). I LOVE the irony of using the very same book to help me dump his ass ultimately. His inscription in the front is proof that he is an empty hole lacking a soul. He gave a copy to our son, and inscribed that one too, as a “book that has helped me for years”. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I’m not yet LIVING IN Meh, but I’ve been transitioning my residence there day by day!
MotherChumper
OMG. The x loved to read his poetry too. Like it elevated him to some other station in life somehow and people used to think he was ‘so deep’. Now I know it was all part of the mask he wore. Part of the game and one of the ways he probably hooked his twu wuv.
I am not at meh yet either but daily I trust it will happen. So many of his façades keep revealing themselves when I read things others post here about the cheaters in their lives and the man he truly is keeps burying the man I though he was.
I think of it as a sort of ‘invasion of the body snatcher.’ Looks like the man I married 3 decades ago but sure doesn’t act like him at all. It is eerie as well as traumatizing. Luckily the truth of who he truly is didn’t reveal itself all at once or my head would have surely exploded……
i had a hard time reading this because using your faith to get to you– it’s the lowest of low. It’s the maximum manipulation. Mine did the same, although not as eloquently as that guy put it.
Did I read correctly that this ran previously? If so and if “Not this Girl” is reading today, can you chime in on how your are doing now?
Yeah. They use your empathy against you. They sure don’t like it when you walk away. That just shows their delusional.
They are*
One thing I think people who haven’t been cheated on don’t “get” is that you can never go back to your opinion of your spouse that you had before. I guess that is why they try to pass off the cheating as a mistake, or find blame for it, or something. But, you just can’t unsee the cheating, lying, whoremonger that you saw. There’s no going back.
Just like used car salesmen, cheaters use the Bait and Switch. They know you sent going to buy what they really are, so they cover it up.
????????????????????????????????????????
And it says a lot about the whores these guys cheat with that they know what they are dealing with right off the bat. Xhole tried to pass himself off as such a good person, even to the whore. What the hell?? You got a married man with a family pursuing you and stopping by your house for visits and lying about it and you can convince yourself he is a good person? At least he had to cover that shit up to get with me. And I’m the pathetic, stupid one? Losers.
I think this all the time. Whore will never be with the kind and virtuous man I had for 10 years. Instead she’s got this inverted nightmare. I very quickly got over the idea that she “won” by realizing I would never date the loser he turned into. It also helps to remember that I wouldn’t be friends with her either.
You weren’t with a kind and virtuous man either. People don’t get personality transplants, he’s always been who he is now, he was just able to hide it from you for 10 years. When the love bombing with Schmoopie is successful, he’ll start dropping his mask with her too. No worries, he will treat her as well as he treated you.
HALLELUJAH! I’VE BEEN SAVED… … …FROM CHEATER BULLSHIT!
May the Lord bless you and keep you, Chump Lady! Forever and ever. Amen.
**No disrespect for those of sincere faith who do not use it to manipulate, by the way. You all are truly blessed.**
My Jesus cheater lead the youth group at our little church plant for three years! Then he got bored and moved on to other hobbies, eventually disengaging altogether until I finally got to Dday (during my fifth pregnancy ugh). Then all the church people encouraged me to love him and ask him to forgive me for my own shortcomings, so I commenced pickme dancing for several months. By ~3 months post partum, I was beginning to think more clearly and finally kicked him out. He eventually sent a threatening letter to the church for people to quit contacting him lol… I knew I was lucky, even then, that he had moved on to some other charade and wasn’t trying to keep up the religious thing.
Still though, even church people who aren’t cheaters can be such chumps, it is the worst. I love God deeply, but I had to step away from church to detox. I read my Bible and dialogue with Jesus more intimately than ever in my life. I have my support network, others who love God and also “get it.”
Anyway, thank you CL for creating this space..
SupineChump, your story makes my heart hurt. I too had to step away from going to church and detox. The hell my ex-pastor, XH and a lot of “Christians” at my former church put me through; so much of church experience feels so fake now. It’ll be a miracle if I can ever trust and feel connected at a church again. (((HUGS))) to you.
Thank you Martha ????????????
Isn’t adultery grounds for divorce in the Bible!?! If adultery occurs, the other ‘Christians’ should really recognize that God gave Chumps a right to leave the abuser.
Money. Always follow the money
Dear Lord, Martha, same here! After the breakup, I was contemplating leaving our church. Mr. Super Christian Creeper Pants’ church group admirers decided to give him a promotion of sorts. To celebrate Creeper completing his PhD, church group threw him a party (at church), video’d it, then, church people took video clips of his party and inserted them into various points IN THE NEW SUNDAY MORNING INTRO VIDEO. So every Sunday morning as church was starting, there was Creeper’s party being celebrated as if to say, “Come to OUR church, WE ARE AWESOME here!” Where was I? Sitting in a church chair with tears streaming down my face. What a bunch of asshats. I never went back.
WHY does the church enable such abhorrent behavior? It’s repulsive.
Maria73,
This made me think of a situation friends were in years and years ago. Their teen daughter was molested by the teen group leader and the congregation did not turn him in; did not fire him; did not dismiss him. They chose to do ‘the Christian thing’ and forgave him!!!
Enraged me but what shocked me even more was that my friends fell for it – so into the drinking the kool-aid that Church was pouring down their throats….
I know, that sort of behavior is rampant in churches and these sickos still walk away free while their victims never recover from the abuse and the betrayal of the people they trusted the most.
End of rant.
Oh my gosh, sick, sick, SICK!!! Yeah, it’s pretty much normal to extend warm fuzzy grace to pervs and then shake a finger at the victims crumpled in a heap on the floor. Deranged Christianity.
Thanks for the rant, Elderly Chump!
Church world can be especially chumpy territory. I remember working with pastors 20-30 years my senior through my divorce who were woefully ill-equipped to deal with a manipulative cheater. That is one of the major reasons why I started my blog ministry in 2014. The typical “Christian” advice is to own our “sins” in the marriage which just furthers the contempt of the cheater. That is the last thing the cheater needs. He or she (in my case) needs a strong rebuke and reminder of the spiritual trajectory of a life lived in defiance of God.
For all you victims of Jesus cheaters, DivorceMinister runs a blog at http://www.divorceminister.com/en/
And wrote a book just for you, https://www.amazon.com/Cheated-Divorce-Minister-Surviving-Infidelity-ebook/dp/B07JZY13Q1
Both have very helpful insights.
I was married to a Jesus Chester – total shock when he shared he had an inappropriate friendship at work (works at a Christian organization), moved out two days later. He filed for divorce and moved OW in few months later. My church and pastor were wonderful! I understand we are all sinners (some sins hurt others more though) but struggle with Christian organizations that turn a blind eye to blatant sin. Guess the fact the characterless ex husband brings in lots of money to this charitable Christian organization. I still struggle with how a Christian organization can look the other way.
So sorry this happened to you. That is FUBAR….
I am so glad your church supported you!
I also was fortunate to have a very supportive Priest and Deacons in our Parish. Our Priest is near retirement age so I wasn’t expecting much of him, but he was so kick-ass about the whole thing. I guess that he was a cop in a previous life gave him another level of understanding of human digressions. I imagine that he may be the exception, but I am forever grateful to them. I really was expecting the opposite from such a traditional organisation.
Had one of those lovely Jesus cheaters too. He was on the church board and he was youth leader. The only thing he was leading is himself and his whore straight to hell. He brought the OW into our home to babysit our kids for over 2 years. He even videotaped them having sex with my baby girl in the background. I outed both of their nasty behinds to the whole world immediately and filed for divorce.He moved in with his parents and eventually moved the OW in with him. I think they are still together, either way, he’s not my problem anymore. Neither of them come to our church or go anywhere anymore. He has given up on himself at this point, and has told me to my face to pray for myself because he knows he’s going to hell. It’s sad when you would rather condemn your soul that make things right…
Having sex (and videotaping it !) in front of a baby/child=child abuse.
Oddly, it would seem he did pray exactly what she needed, though the results were not probably what he expected. The solution to his prayer is leaving him- especially the part about confidence and strength.
As Christian wives, we submit to the authority and provision of our husbands as head of the home. This makes the discard even more abusive and terrifying. It was very scary for me to take the lead after we separated.
I pray many times a day for wisdom to do the right thing.
As for them:
John 14:23&24 (parts)
If a man love me he will keep my words; he that loveth me not keepeth not my sayings.
These people are a special kind of idiot. Wolves in sheep’s clothing indeed to throw around the name of God and carry out Satan’s agenda.
I was going to say the same thing. I hope God answered his prayer by giving her the strength to get out of the marriage and gain a life.
WOW!!! Just Wow!
This hits a chord with me for sure. I had a Jesus Cheater as well.
This is just manipulation. What a tool!
it’s this kind of stuff that terrifies me to open up to someone else again! to know there are “Jesus Cheaters” out there who are scary manipulators/narc’s is just terrifying!
I don’t know if “Not This Girl” is reading still, but I’ll make my comment for all the current chumps (especially new ones) who are dealing with this particular form of spiritual abuse. That text message is NOT A PRAYER. St. Augustine tells us that love is wanting the good of the other FOR THE SAKE OF THE OTHER. He is not asking for what is good for her for her sake. In fact, this is nothing more than a fake display of real naugahyde faith. Prayers go to God. This is sent to her (was it a group text? Does he have a God account?). He wants to display this fake concern for her to suck her back in. People, if someone is genuinely sorry, they lead with that–to God, or, to you. If he was remorseful he would be on his knees alone, taking all the blame, and praying that God helps her through this. Real remorse requires accepting consequences and understanding that you deserve NOTHING. This carefully composed word salad that he apparently just hopes God will read over her shoulder is nothing more than a narcissistic display. BY THEIR DEEDS YOU WILL KNOW THEM. These are his deeds: committing adultery, using his wife for material gain, breaking every vow made to her and God, lying, and this “prayer’ now constitutes blasphemy. These are his deeds. Remember how we spot hypocrites?”And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men.”
^^^Amen!
jojobee, I love St. Augustine, one of my sons is named after him.
Instead of “praying” for the people he hurt, St Augustine wrote “Confessions”.
Cheater’s “prayer” for NotThatGirl’s reeks of hypocrisy. He doesn’t give a damn about her, he’s just showing off.
Amen Amen
St Augustine????
You gotta add the last bit “Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.” Cheater is “praying” for the attention – nothing more.
Also, as much as I love using the UBT, I don’t think it even applies here. Honestly, I think this is just a madlib. It’s just half a dozen generic “prayer-sounding” things that he took from various religious publications and slapped together.
What’s that line?
He’s going to the special hell. The one reserved for child molesters and people who speak during theatre.
Points for the Fire Fly reference! Go Shepard Book! The only preacher whose sermons I might have sat through!
Yes! Shepherd Book’s special level of hell.
When I talked to my ex about all the preaching against divorce that we’d been hearing at church, his response was “It’s church. What else are they supposed to say?” That clarified for me that our viewpoints on Christianity were very different.
❤️
Wow! I thought I was mindfucked but this guy takes the cake! This is not just mindfucking it is downright spousal abuse. I hope she divorced this guy because he really does suck
I had a Jesus Cheater also. She had multiple affairs and got pregnant with the OM’s child (but told me it was mine). She said she didn’t need to tell me because God had forgiven her. I filed 3 1/2 weeks after Dday. She then told everyone I was the bad Christian because “God hates a divorce”. But she was a good, spiritual person. I don’t think having multiple affairs makes you a good Christian. ????????????
I hate it when people use religion as an excuse to get away with their shit.
Yeah, God has forgiven cheater, so no need to deal with the consequences of her shit. Let good, old Sirchumpalot take care of it.
Yeah, God also hates adultery. If you want to get biblical, it is one reason divorce was allowed.
I’m an atheist but isn’t no cheating one of the ten commandments? And lust one of the seven mortal sins?
Yes. But you are suppose to forgive and reconcile if they are repentant and haven’t left you. But Jesus is very clear that you are free to divorce if adultery is involved. So you don’t sin if you divorce.
Bible also says that if you LOOK at another woman with lust in your heart, that’s adultery. So intention is all, emotional affairs are just as bad as physical.
Yes. No adultery. The commandments further address it through covetousness. We are not to covet things or people that belong to others.
The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life often lead to downfall.
1 John 2:26
Galatians 5:16
Yes, the Jesus cheaters try to find excuses and hide behind their religion. I went to my first Divorce Care meeting last night and met a few chumps there. They likened divorce to a tornado – which I agree. I do believe that divorce and infidelity is like a tornado combined with an earthquake and a fire — you are just trying to do whatever you can to survive (while feeling that you are wading through molasses). There is NEVER an excuse for cheating. If only people would be courageous and do the right thing. The sad thing now is every where I go I meet someone who has been cheated on – before this I had no idea how prevalent infidelity was. Oh well, continuing to trudge on to find Meh — I sighted it over the horizon :).
And because it is so prevalent people think that somehow makes it all ok. My therapist remarked “infidelity is quite common” (not condoning it, just noting it). My response was “I didn’t think my husband was common, that’s why I married him”.
Good one!! Yep, infidelity is boring so commonplace – almost trendy. Vomit!
The most original technique for blameshifting I have ever seen. He prays for the CHUMP! And dabbles in sweet poetry to show off! Of all the GINRs I have read at CN, this one takes the cake (pun intended)
Dear Not This Girl, this is what the cheater needs to pray: “Dear God, why am I such an asshole? Please illuminate me so I can begin to understand my shit, clean it up and save my vain, selfish, douchy soul from hell”.
Adam shifted blame to Eve in Genesis… the tactic is as old as the hills.
The people who wrote warnings in the Old Testament to warn against adultery are dust now and their warnings are still true.
And Eve shifted it to the snake. That right there tells you something about human nature and it isn’t pretty. Maybe God wouldn’t have thrown them out of the garden if they had just admitted to what they had done and asked what they could do to make up for it.
Gross. Just gross.
That sounds like it could have been written by Konnie Tedder or maybe Andrea Franks if Tim were a cop instead of Jesus Cheater going through ministry school.
Three words: Christian men’s retreat. That was my cheater’s story of why he was away overnights. I believed it. What a sociopath.
Shit, that’s low, Jubal!
I know of a married Christian woman who brought her lover into her home while her husband was at a Christian men’s retreat. She left her husband and wanted a divorce, because…….SHE WAS UNHAPPY. No, not because she had a lover (heavy sarcasm). They all read from the same Cheater’s Handbook. Nothing is original.
“Look at ME! I’m PRAYING for you!!” Such a good God-loving Christian man. All about him and what he is doing. Me, me, me. Are you impressed yet? About ME?
Barf.
I couldn’t read this. The way they make everything out to be your fault and how they are doing you a favor by showing you how you can be a better person. Making you doubt yourself and every single thing you do was really really triggering for me.
Everyone thinks my ex is a saint. It still is very upsetting how he acted like he cared and was helping me be a better person, and I believed him and let him abuse me, when all the time he was manipulating and abusing me.
It’s terrible the way so many of us give up our agency to someone else, and anyone who would take it does not have your best interests in mind. Such a valuable lesson for women.
The unmitigated gall of these Jesus Fuckers sends me right into red line rage. He should be groveling on the ground begging your forgiveness with an hours old STD test result paper in his hand. Not sideways mind fucking you and hoping you’ll fall to your knees with forgiveness and gratitude he still exists in your world.
Can you tell I’m still just a bit pissed off at one of these who tried to predate on me when I was in the middle of my own marriage breakup with a covert narc?
Skunkcabbage, I’m sorry that you were preyed upon by someone like this during your marriage break-up. They come out of the woodwork when they know someone i vulnerable. My XH is a predator of vulnerable women. The whore I caught him out on a date with was only divorced a couple of days. He contacted her on her birthday (he keeps track of womens birthdays and sends them Happy Birthday messages to throw out the line to see if they take the bait — and he does not do this for men) and then they met out for a coffee date. He somehow knew when her divorce would be final and then he contacted her to be a “good friend” to her and go out for a late night drinks date until 1:30 in the morning. He knew she would be vulnerable and she took the bait. She has no clue at all who and what he is, because he’s a “good Christian man”. Goes to church. Carries his Bible that he hasn’t read all week into church, to have the appearance that he read his Bible every single day. He can fake pray with the best of them. He’s a wolf! My girlfriend said to me, “You are very vulnerable right now. Men are going to prey on you, so keep your guard up.” And she was right! People who prey on vulnerable men and women are a special kind of evil.
Your cheater sounds much like mine he’d trawl Facebook for women, remember their birthdays & contact them. He wore his facade of goodness and compassion perfectly so when all the betrayal can out everyone was shocked. Through wreckonciliation he was the picture of remorse. Yet a week after I booted him out he was contacting a previous AP. His excuse was she was a ‘friend’ who gave him comfort. Suddenly him friends at the men’s group he went to during wreckonciliation were not adequate. These ‘good guy’ narcs are abusers
Yep, chumpdownunder69! “These good guy narcs are abusers.” My XH on Facebook wrote to one former elementary school female “friend” that he hadn’t seen in 35 years(??) — “I was thinking about you at work. There. I said it!” Other messages to other female “friends”. He would never post a picture of the both of us. He once changed his Facebook profile picture of the two of us and the very next day he took it down and changed it back to him and our son. He didn’t want his harem of women thinking he was happy or not available. They are disgusting creeps from hell.
I was married to a Jesus Cheater too. And he used my faith in God and my belief that people are mostly good against me. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I was married to a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Sure, I had clues along the way that something was “off” with him, but I was an expert spackler, forgiver and denier of the truth that sometimes presented itself.
My XH and EX-pastor spiritually mindfucked me. There was so, so much confusion when it came to the two of them. Plus the EX-pastors wife got in on it too — “Martha, just trust the men of the church. They know what they are doing.” And the men of the church who 100% supported all the evil my XH did to me. But now I know they don’t know the truth. They only know what he told them and I have no doubt in my mind that most of it is all lies. And one thing I have read over and over again from women who were in abusive marriages with Jesus Cheaters — the men of the church will support the Jesus Cheater and the wife will be blamed for the cheaters actions.
And as for this “prayer” from hopefully Not This Girls ex-husband — this is a Christianese talk. I can’t stand prayers like this. It’s all the sermons, books and wherever else he heard people “pray” like this.
Not one single person from my former church were the hands and feet of Jesus to me. I got the “I’m praying for you.” Not one single person offered to help me when I could barely get out of bed each day. I couldn’t eat and had so much trouble making dinner for my kids each day and had no energy at all to keep my home clean. No one offered to help me pack and move. My sisters and niece came from over 650 miles away to come help me and I will forever me thankful for them. Not one single person from my former church ever called me to see if I was okay and to ask why I stopped going to church. But my XH the serial adulterer and pathological liar? Oh, he’s been embraced and loved and accepted. Oh, and they accept the whore too. The church/business needs his tithes to keep money in the pastor’s pocket and keep the business running. I will never look naively at a church again. At least with this church, their words don’t match up with their actions.
“And the men of the church who 100% supported all the evil my XH did to me. But now I know they don’t know the truth.”
Don’t you believe that for one second. Most of them still would support your XH and would turn their back/spit on you in a second for not being a good enough wife.
“the men of the church will support the Jesus Cheater and the wife will be blamed for the cheaters actions.”
THIS – believe THIS because the number of ministers/churches who won’t support the cheater dance on the head of a pin. Particularly if he forks over money.
JWH, oh yes I totally agree with you! My XH supplies things that are needed for the church, so they support and love him no matter what he does. They need money to keep the lights on, so they “only love and not judge” — yes, that was said to me by my EX-pastor. Not at all biblical.
The boys group that my XH is a leader at– they need him as a leader as good leaders are hard to get. So they accept, condone what he did to me. Better to blame and not support the victim instead of losing a leader. And little do they know, just two months before D-day, he said he was going to quit being a leader after DS graduated high school. The top leader wanted him to go to classes to get higher in the leadership ranks. He said he didn’t want to and wasn’t going to do it. Well, five years later and DS graduated two years ago. I have no doubt that he’s still a leader and also I have no doubt that he did take those classes. It’s all about IMAGE MANAGEMENT. He stepped up his Christian service after D-day. Volunteering for tons of stuff he never did before. Things that I used to volunteer for, he started volunteering for. I stopped volunteering, because I couldn’t stand seeing his ugly lying face at church. Well, they can have him and his money, but he and oozes evil with a smile and smirk.
Im not religious and dont go to church. Just not interested though I respect others wishes to follow their beliefs. But if I was told to “respect and listen to the MEN of the church because they know what they are doing” I think I would have a coronary. Thats a penis they have between their legs, not a second brain FFS. Aarrgggg all this bowing down to the almighty penis makes my head explode (as my ex soon found out tee hee).
Attie, I can’t speak for all denominations, but for sure in the church I went to, the husband is the head of the household. It’s like God is the head, followed by the husband, next the wife and the kids are last. Wives are to submit to their husbands. I never submitted or did whatever he wanted. I felt like we were working together as a team, but now I look back and I can see how he manipulated me into getting what he wanted or felt entitled to.
When the pastor’s wife said this to me, I once again felt confused and felt like they were taking his side by supporting him. I was very much in a state of shock and deep into depression, so I was taking all the help I could get. Even if the help was going against what was best for me. It took me a long time to wake up from what all this was — spiritual abuse. My eyes are wide open now and I can see all this for the patriarchy it is! The pastors wife is like a Stepford Wife to me. The pastor lied to me a few times and gaslit me a few times too. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised he’s done the same to his wife, because I can’t be the first person he did this to. I will never ever again give over my agency to another man, especially a pastor man. I failed to protect myself, because I thought they were good men. They were not. I have learned this truth the very hard way.
Martha, I’m glad you saw it for what it was in the end and while I’m sure there are many amazing church communities out there, there are also many so-called religious people who are anything but. I grew up in relative poverty – large family, very poor, inner city. I didn’t want for love or food (potatoes most of the time) but we were dirt poor, as were all the other families around us. BUT I was a rampant feminist from the get-go and I have no idea why. It was certainly nothing taught to me by my parents, who were lovely. I think I just saw that poverty and saw how the young girls trapped themselves in the same poverty by getting pregnant at 15 by the “man” (who was probably all of 16 at the time) and I thought “no way, I’m not doing that”. So I worked/studied my way out of it (with the backing of my wonderful parents) and the thought of handing all my new-found freedom over to some guy because he had a dick just blew my mind. Particularly given the fact that even if my ex’s dick had been a second brain it STILL wasn’t worth my one and only brain. And to all the guy chumps out there, I REALLY, REALLY don’t mean to be offensive as I know there are great guys out there, but this whole “patriarchy” thing just sends this laid-back lady’s blood pressure from nought to 100 in about 10 seconds flat. So God (or whoever) bless you Mrs. Pankhurst and mike drop from me!
When I read “the men of the church that need to be listened to and obeyed” I equate it with centuries old patriarchy. For what it’s worth I’m a lapsed Episcopalian (affiliated with the Church of England), a church that ordains women and gays/lesbians. That created a huge schism a while back and a lot fled.
I grew up UCC. Also a liberate church that is pretty accepting of everybody. Whether or not a UCC church would defend the cheater or the chump, however probably depends on the individual church.
Martha,
I’m mostly a lurker around these parts but this post, and particularly your comment, really resonates with me.
My experience has been nearly identical to yours. Jesus cheater, “supportive” church that was only supportive as long as I stayed married. So much patriarchal mindfuckery. The spiritual abuse is very damaging. I haven’t been able to attend church (the previous one we attended as a family or any new ones) since ex-h and I separated in the spring of 2017. Just the thought of it makes me feel like I might have a panic attack. Honestly, I don’t know that I’ll ever get that part of myself back, and I’ve gradually been making peace with that.
I hop that you are able to find a community (either in another church or elsewhere) that provides the support you need and deserve. I’m still working on mine, but getting closer.
Hi NewLifeWhoDis,
I hear you about the anxiety and feeling like you are going have a panic attack going to church. I went to my old church for a short time, because of my kids. But I kept looking at the pastor while he did his sermon and kept saying to myself, “This man lied to me three times! This man is coddling my husband.” I will never ever step in that toxic church that’s lead by that liar. They can have my XH and his whore. The two of them are where they belong. Liars and cheaters deserve a lying, gaslighting pastor. Not me. I want to live in the truth. That’s where I belong.
My community is here at Chump Lady and Chump Nation!! 🙂 I have “been going to church” online the last four years, but I occasionally make it out to the church I watch online. God sees my heart and He knows all that I’ve been through. I don’t feel any guilt for not actually going to the building each week. Spiritual abuse is devastating. The one place that I thought would really help me, heaped more abuse onto my traumatized heart, mind and soul. I know for sure I will never ever be so trusting with a pastor. I will never ever go to a pastor for help again. Except for Divorce Minister. I do trust him and he’s been very helpful with his blog.
I hope you too will find your faith community where you will be supported and loved. God sees your heart too and will meet with you where you are at. We all need community, but we also need to feel safe. I pray that all of us Christian Chumps find a local safe place to belong to. Until that time, we have Chump Nation. (((HUGS)))
CheaterX’s father was also a cheater. Apparently when his mother found out, she was (understandably enough) quite outraged and called OW quite a few names, most of which had “whore” in them.
CheaterX’s father protested: “but she’s a fine Christian woman!”
Nope. You can’t be a “fine” Christian woman and fuck a married man–especially if you are married to someone else!
Ah the legendary Shield of Jesusness: hide behind its mighty (self) righteousness and feel any accusations of wrong-doing bounce off harmlessly because of Christ’s Love. Feel the justification flow through you! Good with God, God sent me AP and Your Unforgiveness is Not Very Christian sold separately.
Using faith to manipulate feels like blasphemy. I can only imagine how god sees people who uses people “in his name” to cheat on their spouses. Don’t bring god into it!!!
Yes, as I said in my comment above, I believe it does constitute blasphemy. I am no canon lawyer, but I believe it would easily satisfy the requirements to qualify as contumacious blasphemy.
Sooooo true!!!! Been manipulated this way. Makes me sick. Just gross.
I was told a version of “if God had really wanted us to be together, I wouldn’t have had 3 AP.”
Clearly, there was something defective with me, so it was ok with the Good Lord if she cheated.
This is like finding out the person you’re dating loves chocolate, and then giving them a box of chocolates with razor blades in them.
fantastic way to put it!
OK, this one fired me up! Haven’t read the other comments yet, so forgive me if I’m repeating.
What his prayer says?
PLEASE, God, FIX WHAT I BROKE! I encouraged this woman to trust and love me, then threw her to the ground and kicked her in the head. Repeatedly. Then showed remorse, tried to repair. THEN I DID IT AGAIN. I knew exactly what I was doing!.
But now? Now, I want God to fix her! Fix the damage I’ve done, the hurt I’ve caused! RESTORE her to being that trusting, loving person!
Oh, AND I want to look super good, because here I am asking God to heal her! Only a truly good, caring, spiritual person could do that, am I right?????
This guy wants the super strongest kibbles of all; I will get her not only to come back and keep supplying me kibbles, I will do it using my intimate knowledge of what’s important to her (’cause I’m good like that!), ALL WHILE making myself look good at the same time.
Because I am the KING of sociopaths.
Please, RUN AWAY FAST!!! No Contact will be your path to healing. And prayers from people who actually give a fuck about you – unlike him.
…and this wingnut is a copy. omg. Run..
cop
Yes and please get your story out there, don’t hide it from people because full disclosure will be a form of leverage and safety for you. I’m not saying for certain it will happen to you, but there are many stories out there of cops who use their public status as a a law enforcer to stalk harass and intimidate their former spouses. I would start an interaction diary starting with a full laying out of all that has occurred so far as mentioned in this letter and lodge it with your lawyer notes. What he is doing is the beginnings of harassment and I would hate for things to get nasty once he realised that the exhortations through intercession to change your mind about a divorce will not work. Share what is happening with friends and family if you have not done so already it’s not your shame to bear and make sure you have the right kind of support and protection. Hopefully he’s just the kind who will ghost you once he realised it’s a lost cause.
I also had a Jesus Cheater. I was so desperate back then, that when he came back and wanted to reconcile, saying that he had watched that Christian movie “Fireproof” and didn’t want to be like the adulterer, I took him back, even though he said absolutely nothing about loving me or really wanting to be with me. (As it turns out, like most of these guys, his real reason for reconciliation was to get out of paying support.)
I spent the next nine months or so praying every single day that the Lord change his heart, make him faithful, take away his endless cheating with other men and married women. Every day. While the cheater ramped up his emotional abuse, continued to blame ME, pursued his own agenda.
Eventually, after he told me that he saw no reason to work on the marriage since I insisted he get a job (he quit his $100K job just weeks after we first separated and then remained willfully unemployed for the next eight years) I realized it was utter insanity to remain married to a man that literally would require a miracle to stay faithful, and I went ahead and divorced him.
I’m glad you are free. That sounds like hell.
Oh, just remembered this one: During the time cheater was carrying on with his “soulmate” married woman, who was also a Christian, he actually was telling people that “God sent the OW to cure him of his gay urges,” and “God wanted him to have a family he could take to church.” (I’m not Christian.)
After Dday, but while I was still living in the marital home, I would find cheater’s bible open on the kitchen table almost every morning. One time, I noticed it was open to a section on adultery. I flipped the pages over to Proverbs 31:10, where it describes a good wife as worth more than rubies. That was the last time cheater left his bible laying on the table, LOL.
Ha! Love it Glad!
That was God’s message to you that he was an adulterous POS and you were a good wife he was throwing away.
Love your work!
A cheater sending letters of any sort to a chump is almost always manipulation. That’s why the UBT works on most cheater communications, because said communications are all about manipulation. In this case, “I am a Godly man. Here I am praying for you! And so do not divorce me, even though I do terrible things to you.”
No contact, the path to the truth and the light. Because a person who is lying to you should not be believed.
Above all, he’s telling her something is very wrong with her and nothing wrong with him. And he, moral authority is praying for her.
Yep! In the Divorce Letter, my XH said something like it was good that I was finally in counseling to get help with my trust issues and low self-esteem. At the time, I took it like I was the problem and my issues caused him to cheat. The truth was I had trust issues and low self-esteem because of all the abuse, lies and cheating he did! I did not have these issues before I met him! My XH thinks he’s perfect and has told me that he’s perfect to my face. He’s delusional and when he dies and wakes up in Hell, I will not be the least bit surprised.
Law enforcement folks are notorious cheaters. High divorce rates, drug use, suicide. Combined with the Jesus lingo, it’s kind of mind blowing. I look at these prayers as him speaking to Satan – not God. Which makes it more diabolically evil. So I’d be all Satan! Stay Away! Your words are sin made sin! or whatever words he would hopefully find scary. Cause he’s in a one box of crazy loop. Very tragic. Hope you didn’t have kids with this sick dude.
It’s probably already been said, but the answer to every paragraph except the last you’re already enacting, in the firm of divorce papers.
Dude is pinchin’ a loaf that you didn’t fall for his razzle dazzle bullshit and aren’t pining after him like the gods gift to women that he clearly considers himself to be. The prayer is just part of his repertoire of manipulation and perhaps the extra channel in the religious Chester’s handbook
You are mighty and Jesus would want you far far away from that gaslighting POS.
Gaslighting with prayer is still gaslighting, and pretty creepy. Hope you got away.
My husband said the first time anyone put “organized” and “religion” in the same sentence it ruined everything. Needless to say he said “no thanks” at 13 and went fishing instead.
You can always get away from a church but the fact he is a cop is scary. He can pull you over and make your life hell. He fits the definition of a sociopath.
Watch the ID channel. Lots of preachers kill their spouses.
Bringing God into the blameshifting routine is the pinnacle of narcissism.
So funny Chump Lady! I was very religious bible student, at one time long ago, and you nailed it! Smite me with lawyers….????
Not this girl- don’t be the perfect chump, the ideal doormat, just don’t do it. Your creator doesn’t want you to! You’re worth way more than a ‘useful object’
Run, run away!
Cops are the worst, but the fact he’s a jesus cheater to boot, that’s a double-dose. There isn’t a snowball’s chance of him being faithful…past, present or future!
I’m sorry for the confusion this caused you.
But I bust out laughing.
My cheater pulled the praying for you shit. When he said that I doubled down on my prayers cause I know that his prayers were blighted
In all seriousness. I’m a believer and this experience made me dig deeper researching what the word said about adultery and forgiveness, sin and mercy. And the truth is that people use the Bible for their own means all the time.
Even the devil knows the word and he uses it to attempt to deceive and confuse. But the truth is clear. There is no confusion in the truth. His words confuse you because you have been made aware that there is no truth in him. Do not allow him to deceive you. All who call God’s name are not of God. Be blessed.
Cockroach was the Building and Facilities Manager at a very large church (around 7000 people). His Pet Vulture was the receptionist who welcomed everyone into ‘The House of God’. She targeted him with encouraging bible verses, Christian love songs and hand-holding prayers and filed for her own divorce from her estranged husband who had left her for another woman when she learned I was dealing with Round 3 of cancer and a terminal prognosis.
The ‘I love you Jesus’ songs and scriptures she sent him on a daily basis soon became ‘I love songs’ by Lionel Ritchie and Whitney Houston. Being a mid-range covert narcissist (the church is FULL of these people-pleasing goody two-shoes) about to lose his primary source of Ego Fuel, he jumped at the chance of this woman throwing herself at him. And he quickly swapped her to Primary source and me to Secondary. It took my 4 years to get to GTFO Day 2 and evict him permanently when he could no longer plausibly deny the evidence of the ongoing affair.
In that church of 7,000, these were the Top Man and Top Woman in terms of being Salt of the Earth Community Servants Loved by All. The ‘Church’ abounds with narcissistic people pleasures needing constant love and affirmation. *Vomit*
‘people pleasers’ not ‘people pleasures’
Ever heard of the 10 commandments? ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’.
God will never send you someone else’s husband.
(Can someone please pass this onto my husband’s delusional mistress ….?)
It just amazes me on how so many people willfully lower themselves to livestock status. People are supposed to be intelligent , but my ex was an extreme exception.
Of all of the ridiculous excuses my ex-husband gave for his affair, my personal favorite was that I was not supportive of his dream to become a pastor. Ergo, he had to cheat.
Ironically, I had encouraged him to pursue a job at a church less than a year before DDay, knowing that it was something he really wanted. When he didn’t get the job (due to having zero actual qualifications), I suggested he take some theology courses.
Spoiler alert! He didn’t take the classes. (Too much work, I guess.)
My actual support notwithstanding, I had to laugh at the absurdity of his line of thinking. If only I’d been more “supportive” of his “passion for ministry,” he wouldn’t have been tempted to start fucking his boss. Riiiiiiiiiight.
So glad to be free! Jesus cheaters are a special kind of crazy.
Truth!!>>>”Jesus cheaters are a special kind of crazy.”
The Jesus cheater is a manifest of all cheaters…I’m better than you. It doesn’t matter if it is religion, mindfulness, spirituality, self awareness, or goat yoga. You don’t get me because I’m more enlightened than you. You do not exist on this higher plane, you are but a mere mortal, bow down to my awesomeness!
When I think of Jesus Cheaters, I am often reminded of Tom Bird (you can look him up if you don’t remember the case). Minister, beloved pastor of his church, husband and father — but under the facade, having an affair with a married woman. Tom and his AP were both convicted and served time for the murders (and/or solicitation of murder) of their respective spouses. They’re both released now; last I heard, Tom was still flying the “religion” flag and is actually working as a marriage counselor. (You can’t make this stuff up!) He somehow still convinces people to trust him…. I don’t get it.
Yup I know exactly I’m a huge believer in God also and my ex cheater husband through it all back in my face. Mine is full blown NARC and even dragged our family through a trial, two kids involved and his mistress in the court room. The Judge was disgusted but no laws against this in Canada. He even went so far as to testify against me on a bible. He’s about as religious as a “CHILD” molester. Just trust that he sucks and move on!
Eeeeeew. Just eeeeew.
May the Good Lord send locusts, boils, etc etc to “holy fornicators”. (Boils: Oh Heavenly Father: I have a couple of suggestions as to where to inflict them.)
There was one point where the philistines took the ark of the covenant, and the city where they put it was stricken with “emerods.”
… that’s hemorrhoids…
God does have a passive-aggressive side.
Just sayin’