To any of the newbies, about every 6 months or so, I ask CN to Tell Me How You’re Mighty. Wherever you are in your journey through the Valley of Suck, you report on your accomplishments. And it doesn’t have to be Phi Beta Kappa stuff like earning a law degree while living in your car (although maybe that happened, and if so, rock on!) — it’s real, human-scale stuff.
Maybe you’re a month out from D-Day but lawyered up. Maybe you’ve gone three straight months of no contact. Maybe you’re years out and the kids are okay.
Maybe you went back to school to be a therapist to help chumps. Maybe you got promoted. Maybe you mastered the art of rage plumbing. (It’s a thing.)
Today, share your Gain a Life moments and triumphs!
And remember, even if you feel like you don’t have anything now, you WILL. (And you probably do, but it’s buried under a layer of chump self-deprecation.)
Bring me your MIGHTY!
And TGIF!
I not only know that he sucks, I also don’t even really care anymore. I don’t feel mighty, but I’m not his victim anymore. Mighty.
paigeup,
I’m so glad you’re recognizing this. I know how you feel. Just change your pronouns to she/her, and I’m right there w/you. That IS mighty, because it’s a triumph over what you and all of us have gone through dealing w/these fuckwits that we loved w/our whole hearts.
They rejected us? They’re the rejects, really. Their actions say so much more about their shallow, selfish souls than it does about us. Best wishes to you in your journey to the land of full meh. Glad to travel along that road w/you, and all of CN.????
I changed careers & moved overseas because I thought after retiring (after 35 years of marriage and 3 kids finally out of college) that it was “THE PLAN.”
Unbeknownst to me, it was no longer “our plan”…because THE DOCTOR had a Schmoopie plan & I didn’t get the memo. After a lot of reeling and grappling with the skein, I surrendered to the reality that I will never understand him b/c we do not share the same values. Sure, I THOUGHT we did, but that’s another mistake I made.
BEST question I was ever asked by my therapist was “Of the things you’ve lost with this divorce, what can you can still have, in some form?”
It dawned on me that with some financial adjustments (downward, of course) I could manage to have most of what mattered to me.
So then it became MY plan and I’m doing it.
Being in a new country where I did not know the language and teaching full time was a HARD adjustment.
But not as hard as staying stuck & constantly obsessing about my family blowing up and HOW could the DOCTOR do this to me/us??? Where had my future gone??
I retook my future and found the move to be incredibly enriching and pleasantly distracting and at times, fascinating. And I wanted to crowd out the pain with new experiences that do not remind me of him/us or the past or planned but lost, future.
And it HAS helped. I may not be quite at meh b/c he still pisses me off so much.
But I’m glad he’s not my husband anymore.
And THAT ^^^is mighty huge for me to say, b/c I loved him dearly all of my adult life.
And now, I guess I don’t.
Hmm, meh is not far.
I’m new on this site, and have spent the last 3 months voraciously reading and trying to absorb the courage and amazing strength of all the chumps… it’s been an amazing experience… your posts have particularly impressed me. I’m just out of a 21 yr relationship that I thought was rock solid…all I have in my brain today is Jethro Tull, …Locomotive breath… that train came down the track and killed my heart, but reading your story of courage, fight back and survival makes me feel like one day I will stand again… thank you.
My lines from Zac Brown Bands “All Alright,” from an album produced by Dave Grohl:
“I lay my heart on these tracks
When your train comes along.”
Dear DOCTOR’s1stWife&3Kids,
I feel your pain and want you to know that my life seems very similar to yours! I’m the first wife of a doctor. We have 3 grown kids. We, too, have been married 35 years. We, too, had been making plans for our retirement–places we’d go, how often we would care for our new grandchild. But while he was making these plans with me, he was having an affair with a nurse (younger, but that goes without saying). D-day for me was 10/5/19. They even had sex in our bad, which really grosses me out becasue my stupid-ass husband didn’t even change the sheets. I just found out that he’s been cheating on me for 2+ years (although, how can I even believe that timeline? Also, now I wonder if there were others.). He says it’s “true love.” They “bonded over taking care of sick patients.” They plan to marry.
I applaud you for moving on with your life, and to a new country no less. I don’t think I could do that because I know I need the geographical closeness of family and friends. Still, the idea of moving on and realizing that I truly will be better off without him inspires me. I’m far from “meh” but I see glimpses on the horizon. I’m still in the stage of shock, disbelief; I’m shaking from the realization that I was such a chump, looking back and seeing that he was actually an emotionally abusive SOB my entire life (and with our kids, who have now disowned him, which they say is less about the affair and more about his abuse over the years). The kids say they are relieved to be rid of him.
Physicians have the perfect cover for a cheater: respectable job and crazy hours. I never questioned. I trusted.
I will be substantially less well off financially, I know. I’ve hired a good lawyer and will fight, fight, fight for what’s mine. I will survive, but, boy it hurts like hell. Damn him. I feel scared right now. I feel old (59). I feel that I gave up so much of my life catering to him and managing his effing moods that I somehow lost myself in the process. What do I like? Who do I want to do? Who am I? Better late than never to sort through all this (with the help of my wonderful therapist).
I wish you all the best! I’m so inspired by you and your strength. Thanks for sharing.
CT Chump & WhoisHallisay,
Boy do I relate…it does feel like you’ve become a cliche. But I remind myself that THEY are the cliches. You are in the newness of the shitstorm and it sucks big time. I was really pretty numb at first, (hospitalized actually, but that’s another story)
And it was just too much incoming stimuli, you know?
I’m also 59. This happened in 2016 and I JUST passed my 3rd anniversary of Dday and one year post divorce.
The DOCTOR wanted to pay me zero alimony because he said even though I had not worked full time in over a decade and never earned what he earned, that I “could easily out earn” him, which is close to being insane…he was mean as hell in the divorce and treated me with utter contempt. It STILL STARTLES ME to see those things in writing.
Replaced me and our kids immediately. We were all deeply wounded and I for one was SHOCKED to my core.
So much of the pain was worse because I did not see it coming. And now I get mad at myself as I relive so many moments where I now say “OMG was he lying THEN, too???” Palm to forehead.
It just sucks. But it does improve.
Finding out what I actually prefer and like IS partly helped by traveling around. Crowd out the pain with new GOOD feelings.
I gave up a legal career so the kids could have A parent, and so teaching is a career change, but a relatively fast one to certify in. And I like teaching and turns out, I’m very good at it.
Originally I planned on only going for a year (no grandkids yet) but I’m in my 2nd year and only now, I feel as if I can maneuver around enough to have a decent social life.
One big lesson is for me NOT to plan my future out in too much detail, since the plans I thought were so solid, were not. I have a 5 year bucket list that I go by and I’ve visited 6 countries this year, & spent christmas with the kids in France.
I’m flexible and it’s an easier way to live, though at first your goal will be security. I get that.
Yes the DOCTOR married his schmoopie and I first learned of their affair from his over the top FB posts about the “love of his life” (3 weeks after we started our “trial separation”).
His bff texted him that it was “the most thoughtless post he’d ever seen”.
I have no idea if the DOCTOR knows how horrified many of our mutual friends were. He’s lost some of them for sure. Not that I asked them to take sides but many reached out to me and were just baffled by his cruelty.
I have never once looked at his/her posts but I’m sure they are “VERY HAPPY”!
Know that will be their scripted answer for a long time.
And you’ll probably be blamed for the kids rejecting him, as it’s NEVER their fault for the neglect and criticism over decades, not to mention that 99% of kids are affected by how their parents treat each other. Seeing their dad mistreat their mom YES it affects their views of him.
I’m not at meh, but I am happier & more self confident than I have been in years.
And I’m starting to date in a way that feels exciting. CAUTIOUS, hell yes(!!), but exciting.
I was very attracted to my ex, and finally now, I’m seeing a man whom I find quite attractive as well.
Last thing – I’m in Poland where I heard a Holocaust survivor speak to a journalist. She said that she did Not “just want to survive Auschwitz”, she wanted to be HAPPY.
And that she “would do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING it took, to be happy.” And she did.
If she can do it, we can.
Keep coming here. Keep posting. I’ll look for you!
I’m in your club too, but mine married the now 52 year old Physician Assistant. Good luck to them! And the respectable aura of a doctor is very annoying. I was with my ex when he was in med school, and I saw the people who eventually become docs–they are not special. However, my judge bought it hook, line and sinker. Argh……..
For me DDay April, 2017 & divorce May, 2018. If I could go back, I would:
1. Go grey rock immediately. I didn’t, to my endless regret. I continually reacted to his cruel actions, and now I realize he was trying to make me the “crazy ex-wife”. Unfortunately, it just made me be angry in front of my children. He kept pounding me because he saw the results. Block him now.
2. Your mantra now is “you’re not divorcing the man you thought you married”. This new black hearted creature will become cruel and vindictive. It’s hard to digest, but they want us out of their life immediately, so they can be with their “soul mates”.
3. It’s all about getting the best settlement. Focus on that and your children. The money is what makes them so angry. I received such vile texts the evening of our mediation. He even called my insurance company to get me kicked off the house policy. Fortunately, the agent thought he was crackers and she turned out to be one of the many angels that have randomly appeared when I needed someone.
4. If you’re tempted to respond to his outrageous behavior–don’t! Make a list of people, places and activities that will distract you when you feel like imploding. I have taken so many long walks with my dog, where I screamed at the trees and talked to the bushes. And cried.
5. Focus solely on what’s in front of you. The future will unfold when it needs to. The most important moment is the one you’re in. You can think about the future after your divorce.
6. Sounds like you have confidence in your attorney, but I would still have other trusted people look over any proposed settlement before you sign. People can make mistakes and this is your future financial security.
7. Make time to read this blog & archives on a daily basis. It will give you strength when you think you don’t have any, breath to breathe, cry & and I swear, even laugh. CL & CN are amazing. I thank CL everyday for putting pain to words and CN for making me believe that I can get to Meh & find joy again.
8. Most importantly, be kind to yourself. Practice self-care. This was hard for me as I always put my kids and husband before my needs. This is about YOU!
I’m sending all my energy to you. Hugs.
I’m in this club, too. Married for 43 years. Three children, 8 grandchildren. I’m considerably older than you others. I’m 68 now. He left in 2016 because he wasn’t happy and our marriage was over. Nobody bothered to clue me in about that situation. I learned about the shack up a couple of months later, but she had already been there a while. Now I am sure there were others. He had plenty of opportunities. Divorce was final in January, 2017.
We were married while he was in med school. I trusted him to be the person he seemed to be. Like others have said, his job was a perfect set up for him to behave however he wanted. In addition, he got an MBA and was doing consulting work which required lots of travel. At least, he blamed the travel on his work.
My kids want nothing to do with him, and, yes, he blames me. When I am with my kids and grandkids, we have many pleasant things to do. We don’t discuss him. I told them that what they do with him is their business.
I have a very difficult time understanding how a person could be so cruel to someone else for so long, especially to the person he promised to love. There was every kind of abuse except physical. He was very careful in that way and proud of it.
Also I feel very stupid to allow everything to go on for so long and never to recognize it.
I was a stay at home mom after he finished med school, so I never had a career other than caring for my family.
We moved 13 times during the 43 years we were married, and all of them were for his job changes. Of course, I took care of all the logistics for all those moves, because he was busy with his important work of saving lives and helping people.
I actually am enjoying the freedom I have now. I never knew what I liked or wanted before. That was not an option. Now I do what I want to do, eat what I want to eat, listen to music I want to hear, fix up my house the way I want it, watch what I want on TV, go where I want to go, visit my kids when I and they want. Living alone (with my dog) is not much different from when I was married. He wasn’t around much then, anyway.
43yearsachump,
I am an older chump too. I don’t know how long you have been ‘here’ (CL) and I consider myself pretty new – about a year but in that time I have noted that there are quite a few of us older chumps here which has been very helpful to me.
My story is similar. I gave up my career to be a SAHM. The x was out saving lives too so the long hours made sense as well as the weekend work taking him away from any family time. I stayed busy raising our children who are all grown now too.
After Dday #1, which precipitated my learning how to pick-me-dance, I learned months later that he is a serial cheater and had been unfaithful many times throughout our married lives together – 3 decades worth. He seemed a bit non-pulsed by his own disclosure and, to this day, doesn’t understand my shock which still resounds in my soul in a way that I can’t really put into words well but others here have – the heart catching up with the head knowledge.
I don’t mourn him. My crying days are over yet it remains shocking to me that the man I thought he was doesn’t exist and that he so cleverly lived a double life for so long without me suspecting a thing. I do qualify as a chump extraordinaire but after finding and reading LACFAL I know I am not at all unique in ANYTHING that I did or feel or have felt. Textbook chump.
I too am enjoying my freedom although I do worry about finances. I live on a pretty tight budget which still is taking some getting used to. I don’t want things but expenses keep going up and up – taxes, insurance, groceries, utilities etc and any money I have now is it. Kids have offered to pitch in when my bank account runs out but I prefer to pay my own way. It is a comfort knowing they are sincere in their offers.
Two of my kids still have contact with the x. One does not and sees clearly what he did and has done. Other two seem to be in denial and I keep my mouth shut. As they say, ‘not my circus, not my monkey.’
I basically have a good life too. My dog is a great companion and house mate. I have good supportive friends and attend Al-Anon meetings on a regular basis so my emotional needs are well taken care of as well as my spiritual ones.
Regular reading here reminds me things do get easier and that this in a non-linear process. I forget that sometimes and want to at meh NOW. I am learning patience and it really isn’t all that bad.
Thanks for checking in and sharing here today.
EC,
Thank you for your reply. I have been reading here for 6 or 8 months. I got here via Divorce Minister.
I don’t say much here because I am not eloquent, and I don’t think I have anything useful to contribute. There are so many others here who can say things better than I.
I have not spoken with the cheater in three years. That has been the best thing for me. My rule is that all communication has to be in writing. That way he cannot twist or mince words and say that there was a different meaning. He can’t understand why I won’t have a phone call with him. I just told him that I have my reasons. Anything that he sends me that is not concerning something essential, like financial matters, gets ignored by me. For some reason, that feels powerful to me. For instance, he sent me an email about how my kids (all 30-somethings) won’t communicate with him, that I have turned them against him, (not true!) and that I have to do something about it. I ignored it. I don’t have to do what he says anymore!
It was a big revelation to me the first time he lied to me when I knew, without a doubt, that he was lying. He had a straight face and didn’t even blink an eye. At that moment I realized how easy it was for him to lie, and that I will never know how long or how often he has been doing it. That realization made me want to be away from him completely forever.
I understand about the money. What I have now has to last the rest of my life. I do get alimony for 2 more years if he is able to keep a job. He is on his fourth job (that I know about) since he left three years ago. He and the shack up have lived in three places so far. I hope she likes taking care of all the moving! I don’t have to do it anymore! Now I don’t have to move unless I choose to do it. They live several states away from me, which is a blessing. I don’t have to worry or look around every time I go somewhere to make sure they aren’t there. It’s a pretty remote possibility that he would show up on my doorstep sometime. That’s peace.
One result of the many moves is that I didn’t have friends. Whenever I got to know people, we were off again. I envy the people here who talk about support from their friends. I do have an excellent therapist. He is very supportive. I would be dead or in a psyche ward if not for him. Also I have an excellent pastor. He had the cheater’s number after two lunches with him. I don’t understand how he has the insight. He has been very kind to me. My church denomination is one that does not look kindly on divorce.
I believe that the medical profession is rife with narcissists. I don’t know which came first — the narcissism or the medical degree, but the result is the same.
I, too, want patience, and I want it now!
43yrsachump,
For some reason there was no reply under your response to my response so I am reverting back to your first comment reply box.
Thanks so much for sharing. I took awhile before I began to write here due to feeling as you did but after awhile I couldn’t keep my fingers off of the key board – mostly to say thank you to people who do contribute because each piece I read that touched me made a difference for me in this process.’
For instance, you wrote that you only accept things in writing from the x due to his gaslighting/blame shifting behavior. I hadn’t thought of that as a strategy to keep things clear. In fact, I have only had phone conversations with him since NC and he has indeed done the twisting of facts on me but I knew it whereas before CL I was unaware and did believe it was me.
I will have to give that some consideration now. A part of me hesitates because I don’t want his wrath if we do have to communicate in regards to our children – I know that establishing boundaries with him causes the malignant narcissist to come out and, quite frankly, I don’t want to hear or read his accusations – my mind goes into overdrive when that does happen and it takes ages for me to come back to myself afterwards. I come to my defense and he can sit back and look cool, calm and collected while I feel like I end up looking like the crazy one. Many stories in Al-Anon like this.
Have your read LACFAL? I was shocked by how I fit the description so perfectly and how he did too. What made me bring that up here are your comments about him blaming you for turning your children against him…Mine does the exact same thing!!! Unbelievable. I didn’t have to say a thing – they all saw what he did and has done for so many years and 2 do still have contact so his statement is completely ungrounded!
I am glad to hear you have found your strength. Yes, there is strength in going NC. I felt I had no control over anything except that that one little thing has made a huge difference for me in calming my right to my own life now. He left because he wanted to be free and do as he pleases so I too am entitled to the same considerations although my new life does not include having sex with random strangers which is what he wanted.
My time is spend finding solid ground under my feet. I still get thrown when a new memory arises and I now see it in a new light. A glare here, a temper tantrum there over the years that made no sense now do make sense….he was probably breaking up with one of his schmoopies or on the hunt of a new toy so he had to devalue me in order to do that.
I am learning to grieve for the young me who was so trusting. Who did love him for all she was worth. Who would have done anything for him and who now sees that she sold herself out on someone who was an absolute phony. I am learning about others just like him ‘out there’ and I am learning about chumps who are wonderful people who do survive as well as thrive at any age. We can start over at any point in out lives.
So, you beautiful geezer girls, I am happy to count myself in your numbers. As I have been reading this site over 16 months and wondering WTF am I going to do.. to start over with NOTHING!!, stripped bare emotionally and financially, I have this sense of knowing that all will be well.
My older brother said to me yesterday that I was born a shining star ( he remembers when they brought me home from the hospital)and that evil people having been trying to snuff out my light…all of my life. He said those that were not evil, the good ones wanted to reach me but I was held in captivity so although they wanted to be with me, experience life with me, they couldn’t. I am 61 years old and finally coming down from the tower where I have been held captive. I will be a late arrival for the happiness party but I expect it to be a good party nonetheless.
I posted a portion of something I wrote recently, but decided to put it here again to remind myself, and you beautiful wizened treasures, that my life, our lives isn’t a measure of them, a portrait of them; those bad players were imposters and do not merit a single tear.
What I am learning, late, is that I am quite good. Exceptionally good and kind; I have all of the spiritual and Christian values that much of humanity strives to achieve. What I have not had is a protective cloak, a proper discernment of evil, and a recognition of narcissistic guile before it has its hand on my heart. Though extreme narcissism is incurable, I do not suffer from such a fate. I am curable, adaptable, capable of wisdom and peace; it matters not if my wisdom and peace is attained late in life. In that way, I am not much different than anyone else. I do not possess any unique powers of failure or suffer from a despair that has not been replicated millions of times by others. I do not deserve a punishment for accepting a lie that I reasonably believed to be true. A good person does not see the world as a pattern of deceit; we do not perceive it that way. We are unaware, unsuspecting, guileless in our goodness; we must unfortunately, like a child, learn to avoid and recognize the harmful creatures that lurk in the world. We must do this so more of us will survive to pass on the good features of our humans.
CT Chump….I totally get those feelings you are having (who am I, what do I like, what do I want for me?) I also lost so much of myself because of the ass and didn’t even realize it! It’s so scary to be in the upper age bracket (I’m also in my 50’s) and to have to start your life from scratch.
I am weirdly comforted to read all these reports of cheating doctors. I am 33 and have been married to my husband since before he started med school. I moved with him and quit my job 4 times — for med school, for intern year, for residency, and 4 months ago for fellowship. He PROMISED this was the last move and DON’T WORRY about using credit cards to make up for the moving expenses and my lost income from quitting my job. He promised he would pay it all off once he got his first attending job. I’ve taken care of our two kids 99% alone for years. Pick up, drop off, sports practices, birthday parties — all alone. He was busy doing homework, then interviews, presentations, “drug rep happy hours” for “networking,” conferences, cadaver courses, ultrasound courses. It was all for us and for our future! So I had no right to complain! And I believed ALL of those reasons that he was gone and couldn’t parent. Why? Because I’m a chump.
Well, now I’m in a brand new city with no family and friends. I am still parenting alone, and he is living with Schmoopie who, to add insult to injury, is his COFELLOW. She is a doctor too and told him his “kids would be fine” because “kids are resilient.” He says he won’t have to give me anything when he’s making 4 times as much as me next year because during our marriage we have made similar salaries. (That’s actually untrue, I was the only one working through all of med school and have consistently supported him through his education.) But suddenly I am just a piece of trash to be cast aside, and he wants to ride off into the sunset with Dr. Schmoopie. I haven’t accomplished much yet, but I have managed to realize that Dr. Dumbass and Dr. Schmoopie are meant for each other. I hope they enjoy cheating on each other for years to come.
I’m so sorry your ex is such an ass. To put his behavior into perspective, I was a midlife fellow in a pediatrics specialty while my ex was cheating on me. (He was working “long” hours for a start-up). I was the one racing home to get the kids by 6 when daycare closed, not him (no in-house call in my specialty). I was doing so much of the parenting that when he left us (with a family group text) I had way less work because I no longer had his laundry or dishes and no more trying to put a real dinner on the table. Bottom line, if you care, you make the family #1 priority, if you suck, you cheat. Let them have each other. I’m sure she is as shallow as he is. I know the type. All fun and dopamine and selfish gratification (cause they work so hard, cue the violins).
Take as much of his salary as you can. You deserve it and I’m sure he’s going to believe in his selfish little heart that he deserves it all. I didn’t fight hard enough about money (I wanted it over and it’s a no fault divorce state). Now that the dust has settled and I see his lavish lifestyle (I’ll be working until I’m 70, and I have 100% physical custody -he never wanted any – but his child support is not a lot) it burns me. Thankfully and to make matters worse, a benefit for my moderate pay academic job is college tuition for the kids. He won’t have to pay a dime.
Lastly and most important, though, after 4 tough years, the kids and I are happy! We’re so close and our relationships are so real. My kids lives haven’t been and aren’t perfect, but with one sane parent (you) they will get through this and so will you. You are young. Of all of chump lady’s brilliant advice, I take the reciprocity advice to heart the most. If someone doesn’t treat you the way you treat them, pass. Tuesday will come. I’m not at Tuesday yet, but Monday afternoon is here at last.
I’m a single dad of 4 kids, 11y to 2y old, 50/50 custody. It’s not perfect, but I manage. Also, no contact except kid stuff, for a week (I know…)
Good on you! Someday you’ll have some very proud kids.
That’s amazing! You are one mighty dad ????????
Setting a great example for other parents and other dads.
One week is huge because it leads to 2 weeks…
Welcome to the brotherhood, sir. We’re glad to have you.
That NC thing. It’s like learning to play guitar… It actually gets easier the more you do it.
I say to myself, “Self!! IT’S Neuromuscular Programming Dammitt!!!” Which resets my brain with a perfectly logical REASON not to get frustrated when My fingers won’t go where they’re supposed to at my brain’s command. Keep at it Bruv! Be That Dude!!
Is it truly re-programming? I’m at 71 days but is still hard at times!
Yes, it is. You are still at the beginning, it does get easier but you do have to work at it. It took time, conscious de-programming, and a good therapist but I got there. There will be times when you think you are at meh, and then *poof* cheater pops up somewhere, sometime, unexpected and says or does something that sets you off. You will have to “reset”, and may have to do this many times before you reach meh. You will know you have reached meh when, after 2 years NC, Cheater calls you to ask if you can watch his cats while he and Schmoopie go on vacation. When you chuckle and shake your head like WTF as you delete his message, then you will know you are at meh, and it will be a wonderful moment.
Francois,
You’re on your way! Don’t feel you have to explain yourself w/the “(I know…)”. We’ve all been there. You start out small, and slowly build up. It’s not easy, but it will get EASIER as you continue to minimize contact. And you’ll have setbacks, so GO EASY ON YOURSELF. You’ll get back on track.
I’m the dad of two older daughters (both were in college, one abroad in England, when their fuckwit mother decided I wasn’t making her happy enough and decided to have an affair and move in w/her now former boss, who’s a rich, formerly important state politician). I also have a younger son w/said fuckwit XW, who’s just turned 14 yo (he was 11 yo when their mother abandoned me and our family structure). I have 50/50 custody regarding him.
It wasn’t easy to get to greyrock w/their mother, but w/many setbacks, at roughly two and a half years after D-day, I’m pretty much there. And their mother is still trying to exert her manipulative ways w/me, lest you think I don’t have to deal w/much to maintain that state of greyrock. Just the other week I had to remind her in a business-like manner via text (civilly, not cordially) that she shouldn’t assume I can always cover watching our son when she and her POS partner decide their plans are more important than our son (she literally said that she assumed I could cover him for her while they go away for the THIRD WEEKEND IN A ROW that she’s supposed to have him).
The fact that I CAN watch over him is beside the point (I’m still trying to figure out how I can trust another woman w/my love after her traitorous acts, so unlike them I’m not acting as if I’m on my honeymoon and ignoring my duty to my son). He and my girls are my primary focus now.
How did she reply, you ask? She threw at me the non sequitur text that she was worried about the state of the electrical system in the house that I live in along w/our son (it gets more ridiculous when you realize I’m living in the house she insisted we downsize into to keep her local political position, and moved into about a year prior to her affair). I bought out her half of the equity in the house to provide some stability for our son, and to simplify things for me post D-day, when I had enough to deal with. Funny, her treachery regarding my strong love for and trust in her, as well as the end of our almost 25 year marriage weighed heavily on me. I’m silly that way.
She tried to tell me where she thought I should live other than the previously mentioned house twice, and both times were before divorce stipulations were formed. First on the phone privately w/me, and the second time in front of the mediator she so desperately wanted us to use instead of lawyers (to her consternation, I decided I needed a lawyer to protect myself, since it was clear I couldn’t trust her to care about me anymore). The mediator couldn’t believe what he was hearing, but both times after my silent response, she said, “I guess that’s not my place anymore.” Damn right it’s not!
So, to get back to my main point, don’t give up, and realize you’re doing a great job, especially considering the shitstorm you’ve been handed. Try to think positively about what you’ve done, and don’t be too hard on yourself. Best of luck to you and your kids. I’m hoping we’ll all be laughing down the road that we EVER let these fuckwits matter so much to us, when they obviously never appreciated OUR worth, or their children’s welfare. Just try to be the sane, normal parent for your kids. That’s priceless, especially when contrasted w/the shitty examples all of our exes are presenting to them.
I too am now a single dad- twin 13 year old boys. My wife left us November 2nd of last year.. She moved in with a guy she met on Facebook and lives 70 miles away. Left us and her mother who has health issues.
I pick me danced for months, despite having her tell me one day she found the “love of her life “ and the next telling me she wasn’t sure what she wanted.
I finally filed for divorce in June after she told me she didn’t love me but thought of me as a “friend.”
The judge has signed the paperwork (she gave me sole legal and primary physical custody; she visits them occasionally). I don’t pay spousal support and didn’t ask for child support, but she will get a big chunk of my retirement.
As of 11/26/19, I’ll be single again after nearly 22 years married to who I thought was my life mate. I gotta say, I don’t feel mighty.
You’re the Show-Up Parent. That makes you mighty. (And she’s a POS.)
Mightiness doesn’t always feel exhilarating. It can feel like a slog, or terrifying even. That’s what bravery is — feeling all the scary feelings, and doing the right thing anyway.
Thank you. With the anniversary of the day she left coming up (as well as my 55th birthday), I’ve been feeling depressed and overwhelmed. It’s nice to get support from others who have been through this situation and made it through.
Your story is mine, but just with a different pronoun…he. The anniversary of him leaving is approaching me in a few weeks also and I’m having all the same feelings. I just wonder when I’ll stop hating so much and feel like I can trust again. Not to mention what this all does to a child(ren). Just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone.
Thanks. I understand the feelings; one minute I miss her so much and have a hard time thinking of a future without her and the next I hate her.
My sons are angry at her and hardly talk to her. My one son has ADHD and ODD and he and my STBX often clashed. She intermittently blamed me or him for the marriage failing, calling him a “tornado.”
I’ll be the first to admit things weren’t always perfect, but I loved her deeply and always thought our marriage and family was good and we could weather anything together. She wanted to be “happy “ and live only for herself.
Now she’s living with a 53 year old guy, who lives in the house he grew up in (in the bedroom he lived in as a kid). His older brother owns the house and he, his brother, his brothers girlfriend and my ex live there. His wife divorced him a decade ago and he’s apparently went through several relationships.
He works part time with his brother in construction and owns nothing.
I’m career law enforcement, 18 years, and have good pay, benefits and retirement. I just don’t understand it.
They always trade down cuz they have no self worth. It is sad they are so pathetic. But you can’t fix stupid. Good job Dad. Adolescence is a tough time for the boys and it will be challenging for you. You are being a good role model and the boys will be by your side. I’m sorry they have such a shitty mother. It takes time. Just know she sucks. And wow does she! Recovery from being sucker punched is a process. Its OK to feel the way you do. Stay NC. She may come running back- practice saying no. Hugs!
CaliChump…..Thrive is right. Mine traded down too. He abandoned a beautiful home, a wife with strong moral and values that truly loved him, and a child that loved and adored him. Now he’s with a howorker that is 15 years younger than him and moved in with her the day after he left (into her run down 1,000 sq. ft home that is in a bad part of the town) and completely walked away from my child. She has no morals and values if she could sleep with my husband knowing he was married. Obviously, I have a lot of anger to still process as well, so I apologize for ranting on. I hurt for my child and I’m not sure how to manage that! But what I’m trying to say is that how you feel is SO normal. It’s ok to hate, feel angry, and still feel confused by the entire thing. I would never do these things to another living soul, but apparently they have no remorse when they do. It’s SICK! 🙁
CaliChump, your rewards may take a long time to come – years, a decade, it’s hard to say – but they will come. You are a mighty hero for those kids and they will know it, long before you do. Hugs.
I know I shouldn’t, but if she would come to me showing genuine remorse for what she’s done and began participating in counseling, I would consider reconciling. I truly loved her. Is that wrong?? I don’t know anymore….
If she did any of those things that your heart is craving, it would only be a game on her part. They have no true remorse like normal people do, and if she entered counseling with you it would only be for show. You would get more lies, gaslighting, manipulating, and so much more. I realized that I was in love with the person I created in my mind…my hologram. I never loved what was really in front of me, but because I spackled so much I was the one who made it all “ok”. I’m still angry at myself for not paying attention to all the red flags. It’s ok to have ambigous grief because it is real and extremely painful. But you need to ask yourself “why would I want to take all that back?” We all get so used to living with so much drama, that when the calmness comes it’s like we don’t know what to do with so much peace in our lives. It’s very overwhelming to lose all that engagement, even though it was never positive engagement. Healing from this isn’t an overnight thing by any means. I had a really bad day yesterday with so many tears and some of those thoughts you are having. I let myself cry whenever I need too because it’s healing, even though it sucks to feel so bad.
Yeah, yesterday was tough. I found myself crying last night (this experience has done things to me I never felt and never wanted to).
It’s tough on my boys too.
She texted Saturday and said “Happy Saturday. How are things?” I haven’t responded . Sometimes she’ll send me texts or leave messages that make me feel she may miss our relationship, but she still lives with that guy. I am definitely not to Meh; I think about her everyday.
CaliChump……she is still looking to have you as her cake. She doesn’t miss you or love you, she misses being able to mess with your mind and have that control over you. And we know all of this, but wow…it sure does mess with our heads and hearts. Being lonely sucks! I totally get how you feel.
OneStepAtATime,
Thank you. I have my sons with me and we’re very close and do many fun things together, but I still feel lonely and discarded. I know it’s stupid but I miss her.
CaliChump,
I ditto what onestepatatime has written here. There are many of us who did fall for their ‘stuff’ and it was a living hell. I fell for it – head over heals for it and got manipulated for years, and years and years without even knowing it because he just got better at what he did.
Yes, we did counseling. Yes, he showed remorse. Yes, he ‘showed up’ well.
In the end it was ALL lies.
As Tracy says so often here: “Trust that they suck.”
Hang in. It does get easier. Yes, you will miss her. NC works wonders.
Read, read, read and then read some more until it feels like you head is going to explode. Read here and in the archives. Lots of information to support what Tracy writes about abounds online. Many good books on the subject too but my favorite is LACFAL because it sums it all up in a nutshell.
Good Luck!
CaliChump….I tried to reply to your last comment, but the reply button is gone. I just wanted to say that your feelings aren’t stupid. What you are feeling is totally normal. I hope by the time you read this that you are feeling a little bit better.
Thank you OneStepAtATime, and everyone here who has been so supportive.
I find it ironic that the people on this forum, who have probably never met nor will unfortunately never get to meet one another, have more empathy, compassion and understanding for the pain each other is feeling than the spouses who they loved and who promised to love and respect them (and their children) in kind.
Thrive and One Step At A Time:
I can relate to both of your comments too. I’ve been going NC for the most part since July (only email and text) and she gets upset, says she misses talking to me, etc. She’ll text me and say “hugs.”
It hurts and drives me crazy. My son calls her out on her behavior and she’s flippant about it, saying things like “so what “ and “don’t I deserve to be happy?” She seems to ignore their feelings while claiming she loves them and didn’t abandon them. She always says how their responses hurt her.
She talked about how this guy knew she left her family and admitted he encouraged her to do so, but calls him a gentleman (she admitted they had been “friends “ for a year before she left; my brother in law also told me he learned she’d been with other men and had been telling her friends for months she was going to leave and live with this guy).
She shows no remorse for the hurt she’s caused and only talks about herself, yet she plays with my heart and mind and will leave me feeling she may return home.
CaliChump…..the one thing that drives me absolutely crazy about all of this (and there are many, many things that make me crazy and hurt me in this process…LOL) is that our hearts and minds are never in sync. We know in our minds that they fucked up and that they are disgusting evil “things” that roam the planet; but our heart feels something opposite. It took me a long time to figure out why I missed that piece of shit. It turns out I didn’t miss him, but I missed the idea of him. When we spackle so much we create this image of who we see when we look at them, but in essence that is not who they are at all! So my image got shattered of what I believed and now it takes a long time to heal from my own stupidity. Feeling stupid and humiliated is hard!
OneStepAtATime,
I just learned a phrase that summed up what I have been feeling about this ‘process’ of integrating our head and heart…
Ambiguous grief.
I can’t remember where I read it but it fits perfectly. Broken heart. Anger. Relief. to name a few of the emotions rolling around in my psyche these days/2 years.
Thankfully it is becoming more clear as time passes and NC is doing its work.
Time does indeed heal our hearts and souls but not in any sort of a linear fashion.
Elderly Chump, thank you for that terminology, “ambiguous grief”. It is a good reminder that grief is not linear.
I loved the idea of holding a funeral for your husband. The imagery of you in the cemetery shredding the remnants of your marriage resonates with me. I’m glad the geese were there watching you. I’m glad your dog was waiting for you in the car.
So much of the grieving we do is alone. I was going to burn wedding photos tonight but it is raining. That will wait for another day. Today is our thirty-fourth wedding anniversary. I hope that it is our last. I am surprised by how very difficult today has been. Grief has snuck up and waylaid me. I so wanted to be a little old couple together, celebrating our fiftieth. That dream was just as much of a lie as our marriage.
I’m working on being “mentally divorced”. I’m going to go ahead and grieve. I’m crying for wasting thirty-three and a half years on a man who could not love me. I’m sad because I was a super chump, a fucking doormat. I’m glad that has changed.
I am so happy to be away and safe. I’m happy to be in my clean, quiet little shack. I will count my blessings. I have so much to appreciate. I am here.
33yrs.
No reply box under your reply to me so I am responding via my reply box.
I am so glad you are alive and safe. You have weathered a lot. I know the first year, which a friend labeled ‘the war zone’ (She was a 40 year chump..) was horrific for me; so confusing and I hadn’t found LACFAL. I am a Super Chump too 🙂
NC made a big difference for me but it took well over a year to do it finally. I was so used to the chaos from the previous year so the calm was a bit unsettling at first but it didn’t take long for it to grow on me.
When he would hoover, he is a TFC, it was like being tossed back into the emotional grinder all over again. Another chump friend labeled this experience as being ‘infected’. That helped because it really did explain what had happened. He had made his way back into my thoughts and I would have to de-tox for several days before I could pick up where I had left off.
It has taken me awhile to really grasp that he has done what he did for so many years and that he blame shifts and gaslights whenever we have had to talk. That didn’t happen before Dday, he was very skilled at living a double life, so being aware of it so clearly now has helped in smothering any hopium that creeps it way into my psyche.
It is getting so much easier. Al- Anon meetings have helped tremendously. Those people who have lived with this disordered personality stuff or who grew up in homes where it was present are road smart and their experience in claiming their own lives has been a life saver.
I know that when one of my friends loaned me the book Sex Addicts Anon. it was a huge help in that it described his behavior to a ‘T’ – parts of what he did that I could never figure out were right there in black and white. After reading it I was able to let go of any remaining self-blame that I was feeling at the time.
Now its about my life. Discovering who I am after so many years of dedicating myself to him and our children. I feel free but also scared to get too happy – like something will come along and take away my happiness or that I will get terminally ill and die. Kinda like I still don’t believe that I deserve happiness – I am sure that is a remnant of all of this betrayal stuff too.
Weird.
Loose ends remain since I have grown children. One is vocal so I know what is going on with her but the other two are not. I keep my mouth shut yet my heart breaks for them. I think they are in denial so still have that fun dad image of him to help them through. Who knows if that will ever go away.
Not my problem.
Sorry you couldn’t burn your photos today. I should have done that with the remainder of mine. I shredded them instead in my home shredder. I didn’t want to overwhelm the cemetery grounds with all of my faux history…
I could dig the shreds outta the trash and burn em. Maybe I will do that. I have the perfect place to do that too so I won’t burn down my house in the process!
You made it through the day 33!!! Pretty profound – at least to me it is. I have had 3 anniversaries since Dday and it does get easier each year. So do the holidays – thankfully.
You mentioned gratitude. I try to remember to remind myself of all that I am grateful every night too. It really does make a huge difference because I have indeed been richly blessed despite all of this.
Take Care and Hugs to You in your cozy, safe new home 🙂
CaliChump….you are so correct! This is the empathy that we should have received from our spouses, but we never did. In hindsight, I never got an ounce of it and didn’t even realize what I was needing. Did you join the Chump Lady Nation (Infidelity support) group on FB? Hope to see you there! I just joined per the suggestion of others in this group, so hope you do too 🙂
Thank you. No, I’m not on Facebook and have no desire to do social media. My STBX is addicted to Facebook; I believe that’s where she hooked up with the loser she’s with.
Thank you. One month since DDay. He wants to co-parent, make us meals and help us move into the house we renovated the last 8 months, and I found out he’s been cheating on me for 7 months. Hard to break contact because he wants to see our daughter, and frankly wants to be “ friends” with me, but I said that wasn’t happening. Waiting for my lawyer to finish up papers before I slow contact. This sucks- so hard to reconcile HIM with what he did. Grrrrrrrrrrr
Seriously, WHO leaves their children AND their elderly mother when they decide to run off with schmoopie? Now that’s a piece of shit.
You are mighty. Stay strong. ????
Well, she initially said she was going to stay at her mom’s when she left. Said she needed a break (never mentioned the other man).
Apparently she wasn’t staying at mom’s often and refused to answer mom’s questions about where she was going, until she showed up at moms with the boyfriend.
Her mother called her on her behavior and she decided mom, who has rheumatoid arthritis and has trouble walking, was a “controlling and manipulative bitch.” She then moved in full time with him, 70 miles.
She wasn’t home for thanksgiving and Christmas last year. She said she was glad to be away from home and be where people “doted” on her.
I take care of her mother, do her shopping, help her with whatever she needs. Her family has been good to me and very supportive. They have ignored her since this happened and are disgusted with her behavior . Prior to her dad’s death in 2011, he was my best friend and a mentor to me.
You are a ROCKSTAR!!!!
I salute you!!!
A week is a great start.
Keep up the good work. Be prepared, though. When your ex figures out what you are doing, they will do everything they can to make themselves central again… don’t fall for it, no matter what kind of drama they pull. Cheaters can’t stand not being the center of attention, so be prepared for some histrionic behavior.
Deep in the valley of suck I did 8 weeks intensive study and got my next HR qualification and also landed a new job with more £££ and better benefits and a role on the Leadership Team which couldn’t have come too soon given these situations don’t come without financial upheaval.
Yesterday on a call with ex (necessary one about child, am as no contact as humanely possible) of course some mild gaslighting ensued (let’s talk again about how we’re in this situation because of me, not cause of your affair and let’s talk again about how hard this is for you to move us away from the fact you are clearly using coercive tactics to get our daughter to buy in to what you want) I didn’t buy the narrative. I mean not that I ever did entirely but it would always make me think, maybe he’s right. This time I thought not that bullshit again. Anyway, back to the subject in hand….. Mighty step forward, much harder than the study.
Haha, Its so funny how we are the reason for the situation not the affair. My ex would use the same one, but every time he sends nonsense like this thru the court server My reply is ” How about we deal with problems going on now.” Then list thing like back child support and health insurance he hasn’t paid or tell him about upcoming doctor,dental or eyeglass appointments and cost. You get the point. It shuts the **** down. Don’t buy the narrative and stay strong. You are Mighty!
I got our Daughter set up in first year of University in London, physically, academically, emotionally and financially.
By myself.
Didn’t think I’d manage it but the heavens and the hustle aligned and all she saw was grace, gladness, hard work and joy.
That is spectacular! Superwoman! Inspirational.
Thank you so much.
We are poor, it was hard, but we can do hard things.
Yes, we can.
Cheryl, that’s just wonderful. Go you (((hugs)))
Thank you for the hugs. There’s been so many days I needed that and it is appreciated.
That is fabulous.
My husband is years out from his divorce but has gotten his daughter settled into a wonderful Univ with all the logistic stuff all settled but we had to move heaven and earth to make it happen.
Her mom who rode her daughters ass to “get good grades so you can get into a good school” then wouldn’t let daughter leave their (charming but) small city that only had a really shitty school. Her refusal triggered a clause in the divorce decree getting her out of paying anything for college. Her mom took her phone, her car insurance and tried every trick in the book to coerce daughter into doing as her mom preferred.
Children aren’t pets and we don’t own them. It is unfair to not let a kid go into the world and use the opportunities they worked for. We pay all her fees and moved her into her dorm where I got to do all the mom stuff. We never said her mom couldnt do parents weekend, but she didnt/wouldnt.
Be super proud of you !!
I’m still here. That is my mighty! I wanted to die. Now I don’t.
Thank You, Chump Lady. Finding this site, connecting with Chump Nation gave me the tools I needed to save my life.
LACGAL literally!
I’m glad you’re here. <3
Me too.
Our youngest child was cut off of tuition after the DOCTOR (lied) told her that he was giving me “all of his salary” – which is so laughable that it’s INSANE as he literally never paid me what the court ordered, not even once.
But it hurt her deeply AND came right after she’d been assaulted at school and then arrested at a political protest…
I had had a stroke (I’m recovered now but was fucked up for several months and could not get a job as a lawyer at age 56 and with short term memory loss ANYWHERE)
It was a ROUGH YEAR for my children and I.
My wonderful son launched a financial aid campaign for the $60k a year tuition bill for his youngest sister and he included my medical records and the DOCTOR”s “no money for you” letter to our daughter…
and she got $45k in GRANT money.
So, NO THANKS to the DOCTOR/deadbeat dad,
AFTER 2 psychiatric hospitalizations, a very public arrest, an assault AND total loss of tuition, and zero sight of her father,
my youngest graduated from college ON TIME, with her brother, sister and ME there to see.
Yeah, we are all mighty.
Super Duper mighty and your kids are fabulous.
My husbands x is sitting on piles of cash she refuses to contribute to school but our lawyer said the divorce decree was poorly written and we have no options. My husband is the “show up” parent and his daughter knows it.
Chump Lady, I’m so glad to be here.
Don’t you dare leave us. We may be virtual but we count as your supporters.
I personally want to see the settlement you get and cheer you on as you discover a whole new life in front of you. After a long marriage, there is still a whole new life ahead. Can’t wait to hear what you find!
Such empathy, kindness and genuine caring on this site. Rebecca, your thoughts are but one example.
Imagine how the world could be if the CL Nation ethic of “I am my brother’s keeper” could prevail in more situations.
????
I second Dons comments. This community helps me maintain the notion that the world at large really is filled with good people.
Rebecca, thank you! I’ve learned so much, come so far. I’m here for the long haul. I won’t give him the satisfaction.
I know I have Chump Lady and Chump Nation as my support team. That means a lot, more than you all realize. I am not alone. Chump Nation never sleeps.
@33years[aWonderfulPerson]…. I’m here for you ????????????????????
I wish there was a way for some of us to connect outside of this forum. I think a lot of us could use some good one on one support and solid connections with others who have been through the same thing.
OneStepAtaTime, I do too. I live in a very small town in a rurally remote area. I’ve tried to find Divorce Care or any Divorce Support Group to no avail. Elderly Chump suggested looking into Al-Anon as a support group. I’ve given some thought to creating my own support group. Fear and shame keeps me from doing that. I don’t feel qualified to lead any group. I won’t give up. I’ve joined a Knitting Club and a Ukelele Club, that is a step towards connection.
This forum is a lifeline to me. I would love to have a Chump Meet-Up. Unless you have experienced the devastation of infidelity you don’t know the pain. Chump Nation is simultaneously the club nobody wants to join and the club that most benefits its members in their darkest hours. Chump Nation never sleeps.
Would love a Chump Meet Up too. Would be so nice to see the live faces of these amazing women.
OneStep…
You never know where support will come from. I found a woman who was married 40 years and then Dday. She works at my local library and a friend told me about her. She has been a tremendous support because she is 2 years ahead of me and I have watched her change for the year I have know her.
I lucked out with a wonderful Divorce Care group. Both of the leaders were chumps …. betrayed by their wives 20 some odd years ago. One of the men has been leading the group I attended for 20 years weekly – year round!!! They were wonderful and our sharing in the group was given priority over the films they show.
I have mentioned before that Al-Anon has helped me tremendously too. I found a wonderful group which makes a big difference – some groups can be awful, I am sorry to say but it does happen, so if you find one you don’t like – don’t give up. Find another meeting somewhere else since different people attend different meetings. We always recommend that people attend 6 times before making up their minds about if Al-Anon is a fit or not.
Good luck and I am glad you found CL and CN.
Kate….YES!!! How can we make this happen? Any ideas?
There’s a facebook group for Chumplady & Chumpnation, called Chumplady Nation. It’s closed for privacy, but I alerted a Mod to your request.
Soldiering On….I just put in my request to join the group. Thank you for letting me know about this 🙂
OSAT, You gave me an idea! You know, you could put a post on FB or one of your local pages and see if there are any other ChumpLadies out there.
I think that’s what I’m gonna do for my local area here in TX.
I remember doing this years ago for another site I was on, FlyLady and found others who were in there and we met up. We also saw each other at a function she had in Dallas.
I’m so excited to go do this! I say we all do it in our local areas and see who we find.
There is a Facebook group (private, for good reasons) called Chump Lady Nation (Infidelity); find it and click on “Invite” on the top of the page. One of the mods will help.
Lots of good info and support there!
And me ❤❤❤
THIRTYTHREE years,
I got to 35 years when the rug was yanked out.
I met him when I was 19 so I literally loved him all of my adult life.
But like you, I’m still here. And doing a lot better. I do not want to die. I want to live happily, and I will do whatever is humanly possible to make that happen for my life.
I know my kids are watching but also, I deserve to be happy.
So do you.
Thank You so much, DOCTOR’S 1stWife&kids,
Tomorrow is our thirty-fourth anniversary. I am trying to celebrate my independence. Celebrate the past six months free of the daily pain of living with him. It is better to be fuckwit free.
Now I know other women and men have lived through the aching betrayal of adultery and survived to flourish. I love reading these tales of the Mighty. It inspires me to know that I will survive to shine.
I’ve made plans for tomorrow. I’ll be attending our Homecoming Parade and going to the football game. If I run into former classmates and they ask after him I will have the standard “I didn’t like his girlfriends.” response. I am going to go and enjoy the day. Because I am mighty.
Thirtythreeyearsachump,
My God, my heart goes out to you. I never WANTED to die, but I thought I was GOING to die of heartache after D-day, and months of fruitless pick-me-dancing trying to get my POS XW to reconcile w/me.
I’m SO glad you were able to get past that. Even though I didn’t travel all the way down the dark path post D-day that you did, I GET IT. There, but for the grace of God… I could have easily slipped from feeling like I was going to die to wanting to die (just to be clear, I’m not religious, but I was brought up Catholic, and now just identify as spiritual).
And yes, finding this site was CRITICAL. Reading LACGAL, too. It made me realize that far from being alone in this situation, there were MANY people of all persuasions around the world who were dealing w/this horrible situation.
This may not be the perfect point to say this, and I think I’ve said it on this site before, but I feel the need to say it again, since my XW seemed to put stock in the common fallacy of alphas and those not alpha in human society. I’m pretty sure she felt that she and her new partner were alphas, and that that excused most if not all of what they did to be together. Kind of a twu wuv, w/an added edge.
The reality is, there are no alphas in human society. That was an idea started by a mistake in wolf research, and the researcher who introduced that idea has since admitted they made a mistake. Instead, I believe there are only various shades of assholes and good people in the world, w/the assholes gaining more of a foothold in material things and matters because they don’t give much of a shit about anyone but themselves. It’s left to the good people in this world to stand up in whatever way they can to those assholes and the acts they commit. It’s a lot harder to be good in this world than it is to be an asshole. It requires more personal strength, to be a good person, contrary to what those assholes think.
Stay w/us, Thirtythreeyearsachump. You’re a good person. We appreciate you and all you’ve been through, so much. We want you around. The world needs us all, to help counteract all the assholes out there, like our former spouses/partners. To be better examples to the current and next generation, and/or our children.
Thelongrun, thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I am here and I’m staying. I won’t give him the satisfaction of erasing me.
It is hard work to be the better person. I fight a perverse urge to throat punch the assholes of the world. But I’ve learned a better defense, Grey Rock and No Contact.
Thank You for reminding me that the world needs me. I have fought feeling invisible and unwanted. I like the idea of being a warrior princess against the power of assholes. Kindness Prevails.
I had the same experience , 5 days after D-day he attends work party with OW telling me he is with clients , arrived at his work only to discover he was with her, overdosed he left me unconscious to help someone move and then only took me to hospital in the late afternoon, doctors say I should have died, the next day it was work as usual for him , I’m so happy that I finally have the will to live and can see a future with out him – Im rediscovering my self , and still trying to sell our home that we own jointly and which he refuses to move out of
Zulu23, I’m glad you survived. The effort is takes to reconnect with yourself is Herculean. I’ll be so glad when you do not have to live in the same house as that ass.
Please be careful. Take the very best of care of yourself.
I am raising 4 kids alone while working in sales & traveling and climbing the corporate ladder. Ages 4-14 years old. In the last two and half years I have: traveled with my kids, divorced his ass in 4 months, got the house, started saving significantly for retirement, Promoted into outside sales & closed lots of deals, got life insurance, gotten to Meh, etc. My latest accomplishment was that my 14 year old had emergency surgery. Him and I in a room for 3 hours and I didn’t say a word. I think that was the longest I have been silent since I was born.
Mighty AF! Strength and healing to your child.
Kate! I love your post.
It made my heart sing!
YOU are so Mighty!
(wishing your son a speedy recovery).
You have some superpowers!
Silence is mighty!
That is badass mighty
Kate!!! You kick ass and you’re mighty AF!!! 3 hours??? Hell, yeah!! Glad your baby is doing well! #chingona #cantstopwontstop #boomshakalaka
Kate, you are amazing. I want to be like you!
I’m figuring out how to get back into the work force after a 13 year hiatus and being financially independent again. How do you manage the travel with your four kids? Is dad in the picture at all? We live in a small but expensive community and I’m trying to figure out how to not make small town money.
In Australia it’s spring – my third since Dday and first since the Real Tuesday. I bought him out of our home (finally settled a few months ago), and while I’ve already done a lot of decontamination of the house, THIS is the spring I’ve got stuck into the outdoors.
Hard pruning, brutally ripping out anything old, overgrown or underperforming, chopping out dead wood … symbolic, much?! I’ve gone the full Sarah Connor with the hedge trimmer and a high pressure cleaner (years of built up grime and mould on house, verandah, pavers) and I feel absolutely MIGHTY … whoop!
Rage landscaping!
Ha! Yes! Rage landscaping!
Last week, some friends and I ripped out the above ground pool in MY backyard. (Two weeks ago, I closed on the re-fi that made the house MINE.) I associated the pool with him – and now it’s gone gone gone. Big pile of debris in my front yard -?ready to be hauled to the dump. Symbolic, yes!?
Rage landscaping!! Me too!! My son-in-law helped. We stayed up until 4 AM ..he encouraged me to burn the garden bench I gave fuckwit for father’s day. I feel lighter.
Burn the bench!! Love it.
Ding dong the bench is dead. Mighty yes!
G’Day MM! Laid out like a lizard in the sun!! Yip!?
Loved the Full ON Sarah Conner bit. Cheers!!
14 years now after D-Day -Asshat and truelove left to realise a dream on a sailboat in the about 10 yes ago. I divorced his ass, raised 2 kids. Son finished uni, daughter is in the final year. Both are happy and healthy. The house and garden have never looked better. And I got voluntarisme leave and started my own business – and it is successful! I call that mighty.
14 years now after D-Day -Asshat and truelove left to realise a dream on a sailboat in the pacific about 10 years ago
I’m 1 and 1/2 yrs out from discovery and 4 months from divorce. I spent the first year doing intensive therapy and figuring out who my new community was. I travelled a lot and got promoted. I am #2 in my company for my role. I spent time with the kids I sometimes babysit and started a movie night with some friends. I painted a mural in my neighborhood. I learned to drive a lot better than before (I live in a city where it’s not always necessary). I am 4 months no contact with him or his family. I lost weight and kept most of it off and have changed up my wardrobe over time so that I love getting dressed. I now don’t have to wonder what’s going on with my money or how I’m going to have to “fix” the next thing cheater ruins. I am lonely sometimes but mostly I’ve filled my life with new friends and fun hobbies. I’m totally in control of my reality and I am at peace with knowing all the mistakes or accidents I made/have are solely mine.
Next month I am spending day of the dead in Mexico City and I’m very excited.
It sounds like you gained a life and it sounds wonderful. Good for you!
I am back to the person I was. I find joy in life. I get to sleep in a bedroom that doesn’t smell like smoke. I can listen to any kind of music in my car. I can talk on the phone without him butting in. I can save money.
I am happy to be alive. I did not realize how toxic it was living with a cheater until I was free of him. I also learned that it is ok to put myself first.
I love this! Go Cuzchump!
18 months ago I lost everything, and all I had to show for it was 50/50 custody. Fast forward through all the drama, and she has proven to be a deadbeat. She took the money and ran off with her high school boyfriend. I stayed strong through all the BS and finally took her to court again. It’s all still pending but she hasn’t had the kids in 4 months. I own a business and am a full time Dad of two girls. And we are crushing it.
I salute you, Brother.
You, are indeed, The Man.
I salute you too!
I salute you to!
My ex’s first mistress divorced her husband to run off with mine, who was her HS boyfriend. (Except then my ex – then husband – “cheated” on her with a woman he found on a sex site that he has since married. She’s lovely. All drug addict tattooed weird little pony tails hair loves a good orgie and all.)
In all this, I’ve often thought of that first mistress’ now ex. I hope he is doing as well as you. I hope he realizes how lucky he is to be away from her. I hope he knows how all of us chumps deserve a life, free of these toxic horrible cheaters….
Cloud, maybe when you’re free and ready you should take that guy to lunch? If nothing else I bet he could use a good friend to lead him to CL!
Killing it!
(que soundtrack ‘ALIENS’- )
Sgt Apone: “GRRRRR….BADASS!!!…SIMPLY BADASS!! GIT SUM TODAY!!”
You lost everything financially, but you kept the only thing that really matters (two beautiful girls). I lost all my material stuff, but I have my two beautiful girls. We are the real winners. Stay strong you are Mighty!
I’m in my third year of college to be an elementary teacher. First year went through divorce, second and ongoing, a custody battle (which he filed almost immediately after settling the divorce). I have a 3.9 GPA. I take care of my 4 kids full time. Work full time. Being involved in custody fight might as well be full time job too for all the toll it takes. Homeschool two of my kids for their medical issues. Take care of my house. Have remodeled the entire thing. This year kids have had 4 surgeries. Might need one more. Braces. Sports. Music. I’m exhausted, but I put everything I can into these kids so they don’t miss out because of what their dad did.
One day, before going no contact, I heard him laugh at a meme as he read it out loud: Your mom is more of a man than your dad is! Hahaha!
Sadly true. I like the one that goes around that says: it takes a rad Momma to be a father too.
ANother one with superpowers!
Im tired just reading that. You are wildly mighty
You are amazing, RadMomma!
I’m trying to figure out how to continue homeschooling and support myself financially. This is not easy and I’m so glad to see how you are pushing through it.
18 months out, I’ve gotten a better job, kids are doing much better, I handle EVERYTHING and have become the master of efficiency and strategy to make it all happen! (He’s as useful as a flat tire.) I google anything I don’t know how to do and figure it out. I workout regularly which helps my mental health beyond measure AND I am looking pretty good! The actual divorce may go on forever, but whatever!
I saw an interview with Roy Rogers. I believe it was with Johnny Carson. He talked about losing his 1st wife while giving birth to their son, the day 2 Marines arrived at his door to deliver the news of his military son…..just lots of tragedy.
Roy Rogers stated that his response to tragedy and pain was to give everyone he met a smile, courtesy, and kind words because everyone you meet is dealing with some sort of problem. Not just you.
I believe that following Roy Rogers advice has been my greatest accomplishment.
Yes.this.
Beautiful post SuperDuper!
YOU Are Your Name!
❤️
Just an article that shares your thoughts and mightiness…… Remain blessed.
I love this…thank you so much for sharing!!!
I am raising teens alone who definitely are acting out at times to get their absent dads attention. (It doesn’t work, he and child bride have plans). I have a full time job. And dogs. And friends, and a house to maintain. I am a mighty woman!
Applause!!!!!!
OUTSTANDING!!!!
One of my daughters said you and dad are completely different.and its completely true.
My mighty is that I now cut ANYONE who treats me badly out of my life. The only exception I will make for this is my child. I hope it never gets to that point but even if it does, I will never give up on her.
That said, all other toxic people are gone. This includes siblings, relatives, exes, school friends. Anyone. If you do something deliberately to hurt me, you are gone. I will probably still be civil ( only enough to get away from you if I see you, or hear from you) but there will be no relationship. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Buh byeeee, loser.
Today is my 22nd wedding anniversary…not divorced yet….(we have a complicated divorce and it is slow going but moving in the right direction…).
Last night I coincidentally was next to him at a red light. I think it is only the second time in two years that I have run into him. I did not look over to see him or if he was with anyone. When the light turned green I pulled out ahead and drove away.
Yes, it triggered me for sure. Yes, I wondered if he was with anybody. But my hIgher self, the person I want to be, was the one in charge of my actions and I am glad I kept my eyes forward and I didn’t have a stalking relapse.
It is so surreal to think that 22 years ago last night I was getting ready to marry him the next day. Today I am getting rid of any leftover wedding memorabilia. I will box up the pictures for my daughter.
Velvet Hammer
I am there with you, at that red light.
I see you advancing straight ahead, straight ahead, no looking over, no looking back.
I am SO proud of you girl.
You Rock!
I’d rather be your friend than his wife any day of the week!
❤️
Velvet Hammer, I salute you! Burning wedding memorabilia is the best anti-versary celebration I can imagine. My thirty-fourth anniversary is tomorrow. I believe I’ll end the day’s festivities by burning photographs. Thank You for all your wonderful posts. You are mighty!
Happy Anti-versary!
I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow, 33…..
XXOO
33yrs,
We must be on the same wave length.
I just finished shredding the photos from our wedding scrapbook this evening and last evening I had a funeral, by myself and some Canadian geese, at a nearby cemetery.
The dog waited patiently for me in the car. He was on the look out for the psych police in the event they came around due to my odd behavior – no casket just an elderly woman wandering around shredding small pieces of paper as she walked amongst the head stones. ( I had taken a couple of the photos from the album with me to shred by hand. I never knew I could tear paper into such eansy weansy pieces. I guess old dogs can learn new tricks after all 🙂
My thought to you tomorrow. (I almost made it to 30 years – Dday came about a week prior to our anniversary. Shows how much that meant to him. I wish hind sight wasn’t so hind. Oh well 🙂
I’m hoping that, the next time CL asks for mighty reports, I’ll have a better one to offer. For now, I’m thankful that I’ve finally reached acceptance. Its taken almost a year post d-day (Thanksgiving) to get here, I’m a super chump. I can’t change what’s happened, I didn’t do anything to cause it, and I can only control ME and what my future (and my son’s future) looks like. Also finally internalizing the fact that the fuckwit’s shame is NOT mine to own. Letting go…it’s my mighty for today.
I was an insufferable chump…a year out, my Cheater was living 3000 miles away (probs with OW) and claiming we were “still a family” because he didnt LIVE away, he just WORKED away (he had an apartment, owned the furniture, year lease) and I was accepting that shit sandwich every day.
It was 6 more years before I was free of that. You are so far ahead of where I was a year out!!
I also struggled with acceptance – I’m glad I’m finally here
Thanks, unicornomore – I appreciate your encouragement! Have to admit that I am still at “train wreck” stage though – last year’s d-day was actually d-day #2 for me (last one was 5 yrs ago – he claims that one wasn’t physical, but now I’m not so sure if that was true. Also didn’t appreciate finding the Ashley Madison account, that he set up “just because I was curious”.) So the fact that I still haven’t found the gumption to serve him is, well, crazy. And I know it.
Our stories are somewhat similar: My fuckwit works 1500 mi away from Mon-Thurs each week and stays in a hotel that is just a few miles away from OW’s house. Probably makes it convenient for both of them, given that she’s still married with kids as well – they are coworkers, so tons of opportunity. He told me last Dec that he was going to change jobs…alas, that hasn’t happened. So yeah, wreckonciliation isn’t going well…had a lawyer draw up papers a few weeks ago, but can’t bring myself to execute them. I’m thinking that this is just something I’ve got to do on my own time, when I finally decide that enough is enough – and I will know when that time comes. Until then, I’m just happy to finally reach acceptance about the situation. It probably sounds like I’m taking baby steps…but it’s all I’ve got right now.
Part of my personal narrative was that he WOULD NOT physically betray me so when I looked at his actions, that was my filter. Im also not a suspicious person at all. Honestly (perhaps stupidly) I saw him as a quirky dude, he did strange things that I wrote off. He travelled for his work the whole time we were married and I really believed that he was faithful.
Perhaps embarassingly now, I admit that I sort-of, kinda believed his denials of sex to his dying breath because he held so firm to it and odd little things he said to me over the years. I more-or-less still believed it when I found photos of OW in his office after his death.
What finally pushed me into really internalizing that he had sex with OW was that I found documents he kept for his work expense accounts. He was a military supply officer and his documents were perfect down to the penny and the day. I found the particular packet of reciepts for the trip where he claimed that he and OW found themselves together by happenstance yet the documents showed the trip was planned in advance. That lie showed me how well and regular he lied to me and the whole castle of decades of lies tumbled down for me at that moment.
Later, a leader at church who had offered confidential counseling to Cheater (and was rightly bound to confidentiality during Cheaters life) felt compelled to share that “the first affairs were just about sex” but I didnt know there were any “first affairS” (multiple?? how many?).
CL said once that she has come to believe that serial adulterers are probably the norm…this is how they live.
They offer us a crumb of wreckonsillyation to keep cake coming from us and to avoid consequences.
Often when we see Chumps here who have learned the truth but not yet pulled the trigger, we can be pretty directive (you must !! Go now!!) and yet I sheepishly admit that I never did. I had saved $40,000 and was getting ready to go (I had a particular apartment complex picked out near work in case I lost my car) and I had PROMISED myself that I would leave if he had another rage.
In reality I never left, he dropped dead instead and I now nurture fantasies of how mighty I would have been if I had actually left. I wish I could have seen the look on his face when he finally realized that he overplayed his hand with me. I will never ever get over the fact that I never got the chance to hold him accountable for serial adultery and habitual lying, but if caught he would have just pulled a DARVO anyway.
I am mighty now but not in the same way as others. I overcame huge challenges but they were different. Oddly enough, I often wish I could turn back the clock to where you are and act instead of delay but as a person who didnt pull the trigger, I have no validity to tell you what to do.
What I do know is that life is short…too short to live in betrayal and abuse.
I sold my house, moved across the country, and got a pretty good job and HAVE A SMALL SAVINGS! We never had any savings together before. That feels really good. Mighty.
Im still waiting for my vivacity and creativity to come back. Ive been rather dull and lifeless for a number of years. I hope the real me comes back. Maybe after I finally divorce and get my name back will that happen.
Post chump life really picks up steam after the divorce is final— I assure you! Hang on!
I’m really counting on this being true MotherChumper99!!
@CrabbyBloggingLady, “Maybe after I finally divorce and get my name back will that happen.”
Me Too!! Pisses me off every time I have to sign my name and include his last name. Pfffffft.
Hey Blogging Lady – way to be mighty. Savings were always tough when I was married.
Best way to get your creativity back is to start creating. Not to be a word nerd here, but creativity is a product of creating, which is the active form of doing. Start anywhere – do a phone photo challenge to start seeing your daily life differently. Arrange 5 things on your desk into 5 compositions. Your muse will show up after you start creating!
You will find your “joy” again. I was in the same boat. It does come back. 🙂
I have finally learned that No is a complete sentence.
Now that Ex and vajajay are past the honeymoon phase, ex realizes that he didn’t make the best decisions regarding the divorce decree. He recently asked me to change some things to my detriment. Ummm, “No.”
When he told me that Vajajay cheated on him recently, my response “Bummer.”
Ex and Vajayjay moved further away from his children and g-kids to be 2 miles away from her g-kids. When my oldest son and family is in town they only want to stay with me. I can be at my other sons house in 15 minutes to help with my 2 week old g-son. When both kids and family are at my house Ex wants to come to MY house to see them. Ummmmm “No.”
Isn’t it mind blowing how they still want to be part of your life? My ex is having surgery and wants to stay at MY house while he’s recovering because he hasn’t got anyone else……Ummmmm “No”
Good for you!!
YourLoss, your ex is an entitled pig. No is the correct answer. He lost his right to any compassion from you whatsoever when he destroyed your marriage.
“Entitled Pig”. So true and spot on.
Thank you Survivor. Yes he is an entitled pig. When I said no he responded by saying that he was surprised by that. He said I changed and that I used to be a nice person. I laughed! I said I’m still a nice person but he lost the privilege to my kindness when he fucked hookers. I asked where was his kindness when I was lying in bed with pneumonia. Oh, it was being extended to the hookers he was texting to meet while I slept.
People like that think ‘nice’ or ‘kind’ means doormat, no boundaries.
Our default is niceness and kindness, but when someone PROVES that they don’t deserve a minute of our time and attention, then … we are done.
Good on you for holding strong!
Good for you too your loss. And thank you to the chump on this site who occasionally says “no is a complete sentence.” It finally sank in. No guilt, no explanation. Although I still automatically do the eye roll????
Yourloss,
Yes. My fuckwit XW “hoped we could still be friends.” This was expressed either on D-day or shortly after it.
Now, here’s a recent text exchange between the two of us, back in September. I apologize up front for the length of this, but I need to get this out of my system. Please forgive me.
She wants our son to go to an educational church class this school year. She’s pretending to be the “spiritual” one of the two of us. She’s so good at acting like her shit doesn’t stink, I’m sure all her church friends think I’m the problem, despite her adultery (wonder how she spins that? Fuck it; who cares?).
Our son is tired of the church (let’s just say it’s a very liberal church, but church is still boring to most kids), and his two older sisters stopped going w/me and/or their mother after completing this class in the past (eighth grade). He’s doing the class to make his mother happy, then he wants to be out of church altogether. I’ve told him I will support him in this if his mother argues against it down the road, so he and I have agreed he’ll do this last class for the school year and then that’s it for church, and definitely for church education.
I’ve realized that since I work on Sundays, am unable to attend services, and I don’t find the church to provide any support for me in my new situation (XW has always had the friends there that I, a deep introvert, don’t easily make), that I don’t feel the church is a good place for me anymore. Originally, I mainly agreed to go to this church shortly after our son was born to please the XW and to provide a united front for our children (also, at the time, the ministers leading the church were very good at making me think about spiritual matters. They’re long gone, unfortunately).
So anyway, here’s this text exchange starting w/the XW, regarding the mandatory parent class that started the church class off.
XW: Just a heads up, I plan to attend the *** parent meeting at church this evening. I believe *** starts up in a week or two.
XW: Also I will be emailing you soon about some upcoming travel I have that may impact the schedule.
Me: I’d already warned [our son] yesterday that we’d likely both be there tonight. He’s not happy about going, and he’s also sounding pretty serious that this will be his last year going to church. I’ll support him whatever he decides to do regarding that. And for a clear reminder, unless you have something to say to me that is critical to our children’s welfare, I don’t want to talk to you tonight, at all. As to the other, your upcoming travel? Great! More time w/my son, I’m guessing. Btw, I’ve got him for his birthday, and the weekend it falls on. His grandmother [my mother is his only surviving grandparent] is hoping to come up for at least the weekend, and she’s planning on spending a lot of time w/him during it. We’ll probably take him out for a dinner celebration on the evening of his birthday. If you want to celebrate it that weekend w/him, you can do it for a couple of hours the day before or on his birthday, providing it doesn’t interfere w/our plans for those days.
XW: He doesn’t have to go. It’s mandatory for parents.
XW: I’ll address all your other snarky comments later. I have to go to work.
XW: It would be better if you left him home. It would spare him the anxiety he experiences whenever we’re in the same room, and he won’t have to witness your behavior.
[My only behavior is not wanting to interact w/her unless it’s absolutely necessary for our kids’ sake. I’m always civil, just not cordial. I felt I had to remind her about not wanting to interact because over the past 2+ years since D-day, if I don’t remind her, she generally takes it as an invitation to start talking to me as if she’s still married to me, and didn’t fuck her boss repeatedly then leave me for him, blowing apart two families and two marriages]
Me: Again, to be clear, he [our son] was more upset about having to go to church at all, and didn’t express any anxiety about us being together. He won’t even be in the same room as us for the majority of it, which is how I remember it going when we went for [our daughters]. They’re giving the kids that do come pizza and providing games, so that was an easy fix for his dinner. I’d already replied last week to [church person], saying he [our son] & I would both be there. For future events where you and I are asked to be present, and his presence is optional, I’ll give him a choice if I can. I have a feeling it’s more of a worry of yours than it is of his. As for answering any snark you think you’re finding in my text, that’s up to you. And as to him witnessing my behavior around you, I’m merely setting healthy boundaries where you’re concerned. If you don’t like them, all I can say is, “You made the wine, now you drink a cup.”
XW: You need to demonstrate to your son that you are capable of having a civil and positive relationship with his mother, regardless of how you feel about it inside. He does get anxious when he knows we will be in the same room, as does {our oldest daughter]. You need to model the kind of behavior you’d want him to use. If you want him to think that avoiding face to face interaction whenever possible is the best way forward, keep doing what you’re doing. But if you want him to be a kind and resilient person who understands that in spite of very difficult situations we still need to interact with people, like I want him to be, then perhaps you should consider changing your approach. [Our son] is watching, and he sees and internalizes way more than you think he does.
Me: We’re just going to have to agree to disagree on this.
I’m feeling mighty about how I handled her arguments/comments here. I don’t think I would have handled this as well a year or two ago (definitely not two years ago, if I’m honest). Yourloss, kudos to you on saying no to your FW ex wanting to stay w/you to recover after his surgery. He’s nuts, and you are mighty!
Cheaters be crazy!!
YOU are being instructed on how to model good behavior by the adulterous XW?! What a laugh!
How are they able to be all high and mighty? Her line about teaching your son to deal with difficult situations to make him resilient is pure cheater gold. It’s not like someone got ill or you lost you possessions in a fire, or other “acts of god” happened to your family that you need to “model” resilience for. The gall! She blows up the family then expects you to play nice and try’s to shame you when you won’t follow the narrative. Worst of all, cheaters all seem to believe they are n the right and on the high road because..twu wuv.
Letting others walk over you, while you stand there with a cordial smile because we good people don’t rock the boat, does not demonstrate resilience but give people of poor character the pass for bad behavior.
You just keep modeling boundaries for your son, that’s what he really needs to see.
Fearful&loathing,
Thank you very much for your kind words and for giving me your educated (in the school of hard knocks, also known sometimes as Chump Central High) take on the matter. I have a very small support circle, and out of the four of them, my sister tends to be the one that replies to my vents about the FW XW most often.
What always floors me is this is a woman I started out as friends w/in high school, then became more than that late in college (I thought I was doing things REALLY right w/her, in terms of building the relationship). I thought I knew her. I thought she realized how much I cared for and about her (another way of saying I loved her deeply), and that that, along w/all we’d shared raising three kids together and more meant something to her. What a sad joke that is to me now.
However, it’s great to hear that my sister (and sometimes my brother) aren’t the only ones who see the XW’s twisting of reality to suit her purpose. That means a lot, really. And yes, that’s all I’m trying to do right now, is be a good role model for my son and daughters. I don’t want them thinking that their mother’s plan to steamroll over me and our marriage by becoming emotionally and physically involved w/another man through infidelity is a route to ever take if you’re unhappy in a marriage. And God forbid should it happen to them in a marriage or relationship of theirs, that they eventually recognize that this was dad setting healthy boundaries and realize they’re sane and responsible acts in response to adultery/cheating.
I hope things are going well your way. I’m getting to meh very slowly, thanks to exchanges like this, but I hope you’re already there or at least much closer than me. Best wishes to you and your family. You brightened my day, so that’s at least one good deed you’ve done today. I bet you’ve done a lot more. Take care.
Ruggermom,
You are my HERO!!!
I am adopting your philosophy that “No” is a complete sentence.
Thank you!!!!
Ruggermom, I love your mighty! NO, as in NO returns. I often believed he had insight; it’s pure entitlement.
Recently, my adult daughter stated that he gave me my pension in the divorce. Almost five and s half years out his ‘poor decisions’ of a life time landed him without earning power, a skank who makes no money and a very small amount of SS!
It’s not hindsight on their part; it’s always entitlement.
This year I too said NO to two invites by adult daughter with the two of them present. Not my circus. The disordered circle back both directly and covertly.
He gave me nothing. We never have to settle. Hooray for mighty!
I’m 7.5 years post divorce. I’ve remarried (a fellow chump who understands the pain of betrayal and we have both put in the work to be healed and whole again). I’ve moved 3 times in 7 years (lost my “dream house” in the divorce) and am finally settled in a precious little townhouse that my hubby and I have made our own with all new furniture and decor. I received several promotions at work over the last 7 years (one just six months after ex left…how about that!!) and I am just sort of “coasting” into retirement at this point. Oldest son graduated college last year and has a great job in his field. Youngest son is in college and having a ball doing all the fun things…fraternity, parties, etc. but is also doing really well with his grades and actually going to class. I’m just so grateful for my life now and I don’t take any of the peace and strength I feel for granted. It was hard-earned and I am actually able to look back and be thankful that the ex burned my old life to the ground…out of the ashes rose a new and better one for sure! I am able to be around the ex (and the OW) on the rare occasion we have a mutual event re: our boys and I literally feel nothing…no anger, no sadness…no more emotion than I would for two strangers that I just met. It’s such an amazingly free feeling!!
Nicole,
Go you! I can’t wait to get where you are. Well done!
My D Day happened in 2001, which seems like a lifetime ago. Since then, I’ve changed careers (from bank manager to female priest in the Anglican Church), travelled all over the world (I’m off to Bolivia in ten days’ time), and I’ve published over ten novels. There is still residual pain, and I must admit that my lack of desire for another intimate relationship probably stems from the way I was so badly treated, but I am so much happier now than I’d ever thought I could be.
For anyone still in their early days, please know that there is a better life out there for you.
Mighty indeed!
Ever since I moved out I haven’t responded to any form of communication that isn’t regarding our child. Not a single funny meme or any attempt at lightly veiled invalidation.
Here lately there have been little comments added to messages about our child. They take on the air of “I know you think it’s a burden to help raise our child”. It makes me want to comment back, but I know it’s not worth it. I’m still staying strong with it, and replying like I’m a robot!
Cheaterpants and I had to spend a day with lots of contact last week. We were cleaning out the last few pieces of furniture from our daughter’s apartment in the city and then driving it to our, now my, home over an hour away. Since I took the train in, I ended up riding in the rented van with Cheaterpants for that hour+. I was civil, but spoke as little as possible the whole ride. He was clearly struggling to find conversation starters, since he was used to me being the chatty one. I ignored several stupid veiled comments about life with OW and made it through the whole ride with my dignity intact.
Divorce negotiations start on Oct 30. Wish me luck!
If you can survive a ride like this, you can tackle anything. Good luck!
Yay for all the mighty here today! Chumps are the best!
I did so many things for myself before the divorce, day-to-day stuff hasn’t changed much – I raise two teenagers, manage everything in our lives, fix the house, etc.
But, two years out, I have moved myself cross country, found a rental in a good school district, found the mental health support my kids need (both no longer suicidal and minimal self-harm), spent 10 months and counting getting life coached so I can go forth from a place of strength and not victimhood, and ran a 10 miler in my hometown that includes a big honking hill that I’ve avoided running for my whole life! Next month is the half marathon I’ve been training for. Oh, I’ll be 55 running that distance for the first time!
Employment is still an issue – started a coaching practice, but didn’t have the mightiness to move it forward then. Dug in, did more internal work, and re-launching next month.
I love your attitude chumpiness. I experienced the kids with the self-harm and suicidal ideation, too. It is so frightening and sad and guilt-evoking and angering all at the same time. I am so happy that your kids are getting through it. And here’s a nice thing about being 55 and doing your first 1/2 marathon…have you noticed how many people who used to run don’t anymore? Knees. I ran marathons in my 20s and ignored a very common knee defect that could have been corrected. Now I can’t run. So, waiting until you are 55 to do it means you get to do it now because you preserved those precious knees while all of us former marathoners (I’m 56) with the shot knees or plantar fasciitis or hip issues cheer you on from the side lines! Oh and the job. Entering the workforce in your 50s is hard-I know. You.ARE mighty!!!
I was just released from cancer treatment December 1st 2018. My first contract as a caterer after returning to work was on December 14th. Since then my revenues have literally doubled to what they were before I went into treatment and I have relocated back to the Central Coast of California where I will remain. I am almost back to the fitness level that I was at prior to treatment and I am feeling very very good
Such mightiness! Way to go!
I make a really nice gravy. Much better than my ex wife ever did. It is a source of pride as are the home-made pies I do. I still have a couple of pieces of the rhubarb / black-currant one from Thanksgiving if anyone is hungry and stops by.
BT
❤️❤️
Woohoo! Don’t stop there. There are tons of recipes on the Internet. Have fun learning. I’m not an artist but I’ve found cooking to be a creative process and my friends love to eat and drink with me. Plus they come over to chat while I’m cooking.
@BT, its a stealth skill to make a great sauce, and your season to shine is coming up!
I’ve been pulled in as the ‘designated gravy maker’ on several occasions…
Sauces are everything.
There’s a huge tree in the front yard, which dumps a ton of leaves in the fall. Last year, I remember bawling while doing the yard work as I totally felt overwhelmed with life. This year, I actually caught myself smiling and thanking the tree for all its beauty.
Thinking of the cheater less and less, so that is a great realization!
It really does get better – thank you for this community!
I love trees (tree hugger and proud of it) so your mighty transformation, Chumparooooo, truly made me smile!
“I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree”
I finished all my gen. ed. classes this summer, applied to the program I’ve been aiming for and now have an interview in November to see if I get accepted. Wish me luck!
Good luck!
I am back in my home through the winter. My friend who was babysitting my home got her own place, so for the first time in two years, I am doing winter. I plan on selling in the spring, and so have to downsize a huge amount of stuff. Once this place sells I will be a full timer in my RV.
I kind of think Spirit wants me to stick around for a while to help my son cope with becoming a full time single dad. He is in recovery from alcoholism, and practicing a great program. His daughters are staying with a relative while he sets up a home for them. His ex wife passed away from breast cancer in June, so he is taking on single parenting. He’s going to rock it, I just know it.
There’s nothing here particularly mighty, just doing life as it is today. Feeling so grateful for all the blessings I have received down through the years. There are no narcs in my life today, only good, solid, loving, supportive people who have my back, as I have theirs. There are so many lessons in life that I learned the hard way. The biggest one is that I count too. That while loving others, I have to love myself too, and when I treat myself as if I have value, the users just fade away.
We all matter. We are all unique and precious, with our own special song to sing to the world, and our own special gifts to share. No one else can fill that unique niche we inhabit, or share the exact same gifts we bring to life. Once we discover this, and really grow to believe it, we have fixed our picker, because when we know our worth, we are no longer attractive to the disordered.
After that, a beautiful life awaits.
????????????
Tessie,
The heart & soul of CN
I ❤️You.
The Mightiest of Mighty!
Sweet Tessie!
Tessie, you inspire me. Thank You so Much.
You are a mighty, mighty woman and a living testimony to the power of a loving heart.
Tessie,
Thanks for this.
Such wisdom.
You give me hope, love to you, Tessie
In the middle of the suck, I kept my son safe and comfortable. Went back to school 3 nights a week for over a year. Was previously a stay at home mom, 10 years out of the work force.. Interned at our animal shelter many months, working my way up from folding laundry towels to assisting in surgeries.Got a job in my childhood love field working with animals. Put in enough time to qualify for a loan on a home. No longer in the suck and just now, after putting this in writing, I realized how far I’ve come and how proud of myself I am! Go me and go all chump warriors!
Yesterday, I completed the terms of a bogus trespassing charge that I was accused of as well as an assault charge. Levied against me by The Bonus Imposter when I was retrieving my children in March of 2018. I plead guilty to the trespassing charge, despite the fact I had reason to be there ( I was picking up my kids) and she had to interfere and get into my face. I was charged with assault because I pushed her away from me, but by pleading guilty, they deferred the prosecution for 6 more months.
Included with that was a no contact order regarding her, which was no problem because I have contacted exactly 1 time since she started fucking my now ex husband… and that was to apologize for calling her a “Big fat ugly whore” in her house. That was 9 days after she gave birth to the poor progeny who’s expected to be the glue to hold this family forced together by adultery…. together. Exactly one week after this altercation, I was answered with a summons to show up in court (I was never arrested) My ex husband and she then made a move for sole custody of my two girls, and we went to trial last October. I pretty much won in a decision that was handed down 2 months later. I plead the 5th during the hearing, and then after a number of delays by the court, finally appeared to enter a plea 13 months after it happened.
So today, my lawyer will send the judge the paperwork to end the terms and release me from all that was imposed and to drop the assault charges all together and defer the sentencing of the trespass so it comes off my record.
Because I lost my job 2 months ago. I’ve been reluctant to apply for anything that would require a background check because of the pending assault charge. Now that will not be an issue.
So, I will be free to tell that bitch exactly what I think of her and call her names that I know will drive deep into her psyche and undermine her “weight loss journey”
( she’s trying to lose 100 lbs) I will finally be able to call her “fat cunt” and ask Her out loud if she likes licking his asshole while shoving her fingers up it. I will finally be able to get her back for the literal hell she has caused me for the last year and a half while I’ve had to keep my mouth shut and stay away from her. I will finally be able to direct the rage and anger I have at her and make her fear for her life without actually threatening her… in so many words.
Except I’m not going to do any of that.
She is not worth one more minute of my time or energy.
Why would I start talking to her when I have a 3 year history of not saying one damn thing to her except the 1 time where I initiated contact by apologizing and was rewarded thusly? She’s stolen enough from me.
And for me to keep my mouth shut? That’s fucking mighty.
Kintsugi!
????????????
I am a big fan of your’s.
MIGHTY, my CN friend, Kintsugi!
After D-Day he promised I could keep the house so the kids didn’t have to move. I began the refinancing process, and needed to complete the refinancing before filing for divorce. The DB kept threatening me, saying the judge would make me sell the house, he knew I couldn’t afford the house, I was taking his dream house away, he wouldn’t sign off on the house, and that he was going to move back in, etc.. Finally, I had enough of the threats and called his bluff. I told him to buy me out and I was taking the kids and leaving. He bought me out, but didn’t believe I would leave. Four weeks later, the kids and I bought an amazing house three blocks away, and I filed for divorce immediately after my closing. He is still in shock, and that was four months ago.
Awesome!
THAT is Mighty!! Congrats!
Just today it seems I locked in my spot for a practicum for my Masters in Bioethics. I completed my bachelors degree at 54 and I will be 56 when I complete the Masters.
In things like Ethics and Pastoral Care, being old is actually preferred.
Wow!! That is mighty AND so admirable!
And I love the recognition that with age can come VALUABLE wisdom.
Wonderful! It’s NEVER too late to start again. When I was working on my Master’s degree in my late 40s, I complained to my brother that it was going to take 5 years to finish. His reply, “Look at it this way. In 5 years you’re going to be 5 years older. Or you can be 5 years older with a degree. Either way you’re going to be 5 years older.”
Yay! Way to “soldier on”! Military spouses are tough as heck!
Unicornnomore, I had no idea that there were professions where age was an attribute. I’ve been feeling like it is too late for me to even think about attempting to have a career. That is amazing that you have found a field where age is a valued condition. That makes you MIGHTY!
Heck yea. In my area of pediatric end of life nursing, Im not considered old at all.
8.5 years out. My son is growing strong, and is amazing. I’ve moved on, got married, now own a house, and this year the bankruptcy he drove me to will fall off my credit report! I’m doing great, living my best life, only occasionally have to deal with him (coparenting of a sort). My son will graduate in five years and then I don’t have to talk to him ever again. Loving life now!
Hang in there, new chumps. Meh comes, and when it does, it’s awesome.
Love reading about all the mightiness!
Ex left for OW when I was pregnant. I went back to school (went to class in the morning, gave birth that night!) and will graduate with my Associates in December. I plan to continue on and get my Bachelor’s while raising my two kids and working at a job I love. I’m coming up on two years since D-Day and I am in a much better place. That is largely due to support groups and Chumplady!!
I would have probably folded in on myself if that had happened to me when I was giving birth, you and others like you are so freaking mighty, you should be super proud.
Moved 3 hours away to a different city at 8 months pregnant, after discovering CN of course! Quit social media right away (that’s where the OW gained access to me) and went into therapy right away.
Had a beautiful baby girl via c-section, recovery was hard and postpartum was a bitch..! But I kept remembering “i can do this”.
Went back into work with a proposal to work from home, because of my performance on the last 2 years it was accepted. Also I am starting my own business on the side.
I never have to go back near him, the city he lives in or his family.
My daughter is super healthy and surrounded with love from my family.
I came to the realization that I don’t need him at all.
I have my family, friends and CL to thank for mighty 🙂
Life is good. ????
I’m 16 months post BD. Pick-me dancing until 3 days ago, until 3 days ago X announced he’s seeing someone, while he was supposedly battling his depression to come back home as a new man (barf).
I don’t feel mighty, I feel old, unworthy, crushed, discarded, invisible.
For some reason I fail to see that I’m
-raising two small kids on my own
-have a full time job with a lot of accountability
-being seen as an subject matter expert in my professional life
-freelancing, providing consultancy to other companies and working with the policymakers on regulatory framework
– bought a new car, renovated kitchen, went with kids on holidays abroad, take all the financial decision that was always handled by x
-being liked and supported by a lot of great people
He – 1 year in rented apartment, borrowing money from his mother to pay bills (depression!) A second GF, though
Somewhere deep inside i know that I’m mighty and he sucks. I just don’t feel it 🙁
You are mighty… I like this phrase “fake it until you make it”… when I look at your list of accomplishments, I am blown away… well done! I also suspect that if you stop pick me dancing and go grey rock/no contact as much as possible, the fog will lift and you’ll be able to see your mightiness.
And, for giggles, I’m just wondering… all things being equal… would you ever consider dating a man who needs his MOM to pay his bills? I doubt it… so let the woman who would have him… you’re building a better life than that! You’ve got this.
No!!!! not in a milion years I would want to spend another day with this loser, the woman that fell for it must be as broken as he is
my heart didn’t catch up with my head yet tho
thank you for the warm words <:3
You are mighty! I like this meme and hope you can relate during the tough times: “On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good.”
Girl your are stronger than you realize. Your doing all that you do with two little ones and he’s in a apartment having his mom ( or whatever her name is) pay his bills.
I suspect his “depression” is selective. He’s depressed but he can find time to date. Okay. Let her have him. He sounds like a dream.
3 days is amazing because before you know it, it’s 3 years. No/low contact is best. Life will get better with distance. Your amazingly mighty!! Those kids are lucky to have you.
thak you all. this is all so darn hard 🙁
On day 4 of complete NC I got an email (sent to all email accounts I’ve been using) about how I’m being a bitch for blocking him on social media and instant message apps!!! We DO have to communicate about the children!!!!
he did send me an email, so i’m not getting his problem
rage station is on
When you’re mighty and you don’t feel mighty, I suspect it’s just exhaustion.
I know you have heard it a lot but you’re such a life saver
thank you!
You are mighty! You are carrying the family forward while he acts like a man child. I’m 3 mos. post discard. My wasband claimed depression and never told me when he went on pills nor when he went off them. He also failed to mention that he was seeing a married coworker for the last year of our marriage. Focus on you and being there for your kids.
my wasband started to take ADs after breaking up with GF#1
then he was going to work on himself to return to his family (lamia, you are such an idiot)
then he started feeling better and found a new grirlfriend
I just can’t believe I spent another year on this douchebag!
My ex was a fancy lad, so he wouldn’t do much around the house. He would just call someone. For anything. But sometimes that means waiting days and money and…so I fixed a dishwasher that wasn’t draining-yay you tube. Then, the AC stopped working during a hot spell and I figure out it was the compressor and fixed it myself. I landscaped my yard–although I did hire someone to put in French drains and build a retaining wall so that the slope would stop pushing on my house so that everything tilted…but I planted everything, hauled wood chips, built a picnic table, assembled a fire pit table. And here’s the funny thing. I was outside assembling the fireplace table with a power drill and a hammer, etc. And my daughter had a friend over and I overheard her say after seeing me, “Oh that’s right, with your dad gone, your mom has to do stuff like that alone.” And she said, “Oh my dad wouldn’t have helped her with that anyway.” Yep.
Ha! When I got divorced, my ex never bothered to pick up his tools, so I kept them. My son said, “Mom, you used the tools more than dad ever did.”
I’m 11 months from final DDay and 5 months from him moving out. In home separation was certainly a test. I paid him off from any claim to the home at a lower amount then he’d asked, no lawyers involved so saved a tone of money there. Refinanced the home in my name only, paid off all my debt so only have a mortgage. My kids (not his) 17 year old DD started university in Pre-Med. During our split she managed to get 100% on her science AND math diploma exams, she started counselling to help with issues stemming from her dad and the ex and doing awesome!.DS 15 is excelling academically is school as well as his club soccer. He’s made a lot of new friends which is great because he’s always been so shy and quiet. Ex didn’t treat my kids all that great over the years (13 years together) so it’s been a challenge. I am finishing painting the house, decluttered, yard looked fantastic this year (ex thought he was the only one that knew how to cultivate a green lawn). I’m hanging out with my friends again and going out a lot more. I wasn’t “allowed” to hang out with my friends on “his time” so I hardly went out. When we did as a couple he wasn’t overly social. I’m not ready to date yet but have had some very nice offers from some very nice men that I know either from the past or through friends. It’s nice to know there is still interest. They are very understanding that I’m just not in that head space again. I’ve started going to the gym again and am planning a trip to Mexico next March and Hawaii in August. I also got to see Elton John on his final tour!!
Things aren’t 100% settled with the ex but I’m mainly no contact or grey rock. He’s moved to another province living with his mom and no job. His kids have nothing to do with him and his only friends are people that his parents know. He’s alone pretending to be living the dream. Hoping I’ll see he’s changed and take him back one day……..nicely spackled TURD!! (he still contacts hookers but because we aren’t together it’s none of my business and irrelevant….LOL)
YOU ARE ALL SO MIGHTY!!! I’m so grateful to all of you and your sharing and this site!!! <3
For the newbies– it really does get better, though it often takes time.
I am 7.5 years out from DDay, divorced 6.5 years now.
Most of the time has been a struggle personally, especially with suicidal kids. Work has suffered, and I took a much needed FMLA leave to assist eldest, and myself. If you can take it, do it.
But eldest is doing better now, and in their second year of college; I think they have the skills they need now. Youngest is now struggling academically, and expressed suicidal ideation in the spring (unrelated to academics). I admit to feeling low, and was not sure if I could handle it again. But youngest seems back on track with a great therapist.
So how have I been mighty? My eldest is still alive, and is now thriving at uni. I have managed to keep the house, though it is a bit of a struggle. Ex tried to stop child support after he quit his job, and my attorney made him/his attorney look stupid. I have a wonderful group of friends. Work is once again going well. And it turns out (for the most part) my heart has healed and I am in a wonderful, loving relationship to a really kind, sweet, considerate guy. We took a 2.5 week to Europe (his first), and we are still together!
Nearly two years since the divorce was final, and almost three since D day, I am mighty because I am happy.
I trail run, hike, dance, spend time with brand new friends, do what I want, when I want, travel, spend my money how I choose, live my life how I want, am considering moving overseas.
I honestly thought that I would be miserable for the next 40 years. I didn’t believe anyone who said that I’d get through it, but I did and that makes me mighty 🙂
I am happy!
I’m 6 months out. The divorce and parental arrangements are largely done. I have coped on the other side of the world doing the majority of custody for our two children. I got the house on the market and it’s almost sold now. I’m taking the children back to my family in Australia and walking away with almost all of the equity and an enhanced child maintenance package that will help me go through university to retrain (our youngest has just started school and that was my plan). We could have stayed in the UK and I was offered a job that would have made me financially independent from him after only two weeks of looking despite having been off work for 7 years but the children were looking forward to the change and having family around them. My children and I are so much happier. I don’t miss him. I don’t want him back. I’m still mourning having someone to share the children with but I felt like this week, it was a Tuesday and I was in the land of meh. Even though it’s nothing serious, I have also been seeing someone else and it’s given me hope that one day I will find someone else I’d like to share my life with.
There are times now and again that I think to myself that the X Asshat is missing out on so much. He has no idea how incredibly good things are for me and my relationship with our adult daughters. He chose a twat half our age (same as eldest daughter) and will never know his grandchildren or be involved in his daughters’ blossoming lives. He is missing out on ME as well, with my scratch cooking, supportive and loving nature, generosity, and high libido.
He gave all of that up because he is a pathetic covert narcissist who no longer needed the wife appliance, took all the good stuff for granted, and got bored with his own aging existence.
Though many days I still mourn what I thought I had, what could have been, I am slowly moving to the place of realizing how much there is to look forward to and that he will not be the turd in every punchbowl makes it even better. And I will give my ample gifts to a better man, one who appreciates them.
I win.
Exactly a year ago, after 23 years of marriage, I rented a cute house, found a good job, have helped my kids through the fall out, and am no contact unless absolutely necessary! It hasn’t been easy….but it has been worth it!!!!
Three years out from discovery five months out from divorce, leverage the guilt got a great post nup and it took me two years to renovate and sell the house, bought a brand new house single-handedly got my son into college & settled he’s in the sophomore year now and thriving, dear daughter is living with me with our lovely dog in our brand new home that the X figured I couldn’t survive without him , He thought I would fail and come running back to him ! jokes on him, I planted yellow mums outside because he hated mums I have a lovely statue of a flying little pig by the front door , I chuckle every time I see That flying Pig because he thought I couldn’t do it Stay mighty chump nation !!! It might be a long hard road but it’s so worth the journey you’re worth it stay strong.
Trying to get up the mighty(or stupid) to quit my low paying retail job so I can spend time and travel with my kids over the holidays. So many of you have great career success stories, and I know it can be done, but at 55 I just don’t know if I want to. Is that mighty or lazy? I can survive on 1/2 mil. retirement and alimony. I am spending too much time on the couch, and not knowing my schedule 2 weeks out keeps me waiting. I just feel stalled. But I am not busy enough and social enough, and don’t know if this would help or hurt. Is it mighty to throw in the towel and say this isn’t working?
Get rid of the job.
You can always get another one just like it later if you want because unemployment is at 50-year lows. If you want a new job in January you will probably be hired the same day you go looking.
Life is not a waiting room.
Life is not a waiting room. I’m a champion chump waiter….it’s what got me through 27 years as a navy wife. Wait for this wait for that. You, I.C., and my daughter , both of whom I admire, say ditch the job….I feel better already. I will fill my time with things that lift me up.
Good for you! I advised my daughter to the do the same. She was hostessing at an upscale restaurant on the weekends only and as the holidays approached she was going through the exact thing (works a professional job M-F and this was gravy). She recalled she walked in and got the job on the spot at the beginning of the summer and is fully confident she could do the same next year if she so desires. Or not.
I also waited thought my marriage; 28 years. Waited for my X to pay attention, waited for him to stop obsessing with his own career and anxiety about it, waited for retirement together so we could play. I got within MONTHS of touching that retirement and he abandoned me. We took our trip to AZ to pick out a retirement home where he declared he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. 6 weeks later he abandoned me with an e-mail.
Everything I planned was stolen by that colossal fucknut. Our daughters’ lives and future grandbabies together, all of the “payoff” I was sure was just around the corner if I would just….wait.
No more waiting.
((hugs))
That’s exactly how I feel…..it was stolen. I did all the hard work and sacrifice, and behind my back he had a whole secret life. Then, just when it was time to enjoy all my hard work…..poof….except my notice came via text. Can you believe the nerve of these assholes?! He honestly thought the younger, richer version of me that he married 2 weeks after divorce final was just going to take up where I left off. He thinks all those friends, his kids, secretly admire him. He’s still waiting????????????????don’t know what I would do without you all. Hugs right back!
Definitely ditch the job. Life is short. And while you’re on the trip, put this thought on the back burner of your brain: “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
You don’t have to work. You can volunteer. You can get politically active. You can plant trees or sit with old people or read great books. Just get off the couch. You’ve learned one thing from this job: you want a definite schedule so you can better enjoy your life. See? Every job you quit will teach you something. 🙂
Yes!Thanks, LAJ……when I get stuck I do it big….27 years to the dick. Quitting feels a bit like failure, but I’ve healed to the point that it’s now dragging me down, if that makes sense. Only 2 goals …..walk and join a group at church. It’s a start. Going to work til mid Dec. CN’s nudge is just what I needed
“Life is not a waiting room” I love that!!!!
Hope Springs…
I just quit my dead end job. Two years invested, the position never evolved into what the business owner represented it would be. I realized I was being treated like a chump by my boss. The pay wasn’t that great and I can do without. I feel mighty for deciding that job no longer worked for my needs or life.
I don’t know what my future looks like yet, but I know what I don’t want it to be. You too can take time to choose your future path.
Thanks, CalGal…..here’s to no longer being the office chump!
Apply for some federal jobs. Many are part-time with higher pay than retail plus health insurance and retirement! Plus, you’ll probably meet a variety of people.
thats an idea….there’s a website? USA.jobs or something? Fortunately as a 20/20/20 spouse(ex) I don’t need healthcare. I know schools don’t pay well, but I like that schedule also, and one thing I do know is kids. Just going to go with the flow til after Christmas and see where I am. Just the thought of not working through the holidays has given me a big lift…..
2016 Dumbass left for Greener Pastures. I was destroyed. 24 years of marriage gone. My best friend. No education. No way to make a living. No life, no future. Of course, no sleep. So in the middle of the night someone on Reddit told me to find Chumplady. I did. And boy, did I read.
2 weeks after Dumbass left and I started reading Chumplady I filed for divorce. A few weeks after that I enrolled in college. I went no contact with Dumbass, to varying degrees until I mastered it. No contact gave me time to process and see my marriage for what it was. And my ex for what he always was and will continue to be.
Well, just a few months ago I graduated with distinction. I passed my boards. I fielded several job offers and am now employed in my field.
I also changed the shower head in my bathroom. And learned to drive on the interstate for hours (Dumbass forbade me as I was such a bad driver). And took my kids on a couple of long weekend getaways. And dated a guy who turned out to be a lot like Dumbass, and I learned to say ‘no, I don’t want to be treated like this’.
It’s a process. I no longer have bad days, but occasionally I still have bad hours. I know that in time those will be gone too.
Good for you Calm, you are rocking it!
I am so inspired but all of these posts. I am still stuck in the suck unfortunately. I am trying to figure out who I am still after d-day 2 1/2 years later. I made a decision to move closer to my father after dday. Started talking to an old friend of mine who was chumped. A month before the move my father passed. I decided to move anyway with my daughter (18). She and the new boyfriend clashed alot because of chores and motivation to work etc. She moved back and immediately moved in with her cheater dad and his affair partner. I was pretty miserable in my new state without my dad, kids and felt in needed to move back home for a bit. Long story short I moved back and barely speak to my now 19 year old and dating my boyfriend long distance. I’m lost in this new life I am living and hoping I somehow make better decisions for myself and reconnect with the woman I thought I was before dday. I am finding this struggle hurtful. Just needed to vent this out into the world and give everyone props for getting mighty after all the chaos. Think good thoughts for me as I endure this new normal I have gotten myself into. Xo sweet
It takes time and a lot of learning who you are, what you like (and don’t like), and how to establish boundaries before you “start” getting to meh. But the biggest thing it takes is learning to love yourself. Take the time to do this before you even think about dating. And be kind to yourself as this process can take 5, 6, or more years.
Oh ((((sweetChumpgirl))))
I want to reach out to you with many many hugs. You are always so supportive of other Chumps.
I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad and can understand how the timing of his death was so very difficult for you.
And, all the problems with your daughter, so much sadness.
But, sweetChumpgirl, YOU are a very strong, caring person.
I truly believe in you, and I do think good thoughts for you!
Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with people who appreciate your true beauty and goodness in this world.
YOU are cherished by CN!
Xxxxxxx
peacekeeper
Thank you peace! You are an amazing person and love every response and post you make. Problem is I started investing in myself and put up boundaries and my daughter left anyway. Breaks my heart. I moved back to line up my ducks, remodel my house and think about my future. I want to live with my new love but I can’t when I have my 22 ur old son living in my house not paying me rent (one reason I moved back). And my daughter at 19 living with dad and not motivated to work and drive. Doing me has been difficult xo
I hear you. Be good to yourself. DD may come around…she’s finding her way too. Do one thing for you. Please make sure your picker is fixed and grief isn’t rushing you.
Yesterday my dentist asked me if I’d been married. I managed to tell her my sad story without crying, being embarrassed or ashamed. It was a first for me after almost 5yrs from Dday, 1 1/2 from divorce date ( my therapist tells me the actually grieving does not start till the divorce papers are signed).
For me this was a monumentally event !
I didn’t react to him begging on his knees to come back last Friday. 6 months out of DDay. I didn’t feel satisfaction or any kind of twinge of why now or doubt. I knew within that second that I have fully embraced my new life and that I must have found meh, without acknowledging it. I told him to get off his knees, not to touch me and relieved him of his pain of leaving it too long to fight. I told him,I can tell you that there wasn’t any chance for us from date of DDay on. What you did was a deal-breaker. I refuse to be an option and that’s what you made me. Please use all your proposed changes for your next relationship or to rebuild family ties with your parents and brother. You will need them now because they are all the family you have left. I will never be part of your tribe again.
Thank you CL and CN for giving me this language so powerful and if repeated and embraced able to lead to meh in such a short time
Love this!
I’m 8 years out, living a very different life. That whole forced march thru hell pulled the curtain back on so many parts of myself. Parts that I either never knew were there, and parts that I had forgotten had once been there The biggest one was my gift of humor.
One way I am mighty now is that the old Pollyanna People Pleaser is gone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a combative screaming shrew. I’m still a very nice person. But I no longer feel the compulsion to jump up and perform like a counter monkey for everyone else and hustle for my worthiness.
I had to be dragged by my heels kicking and screaming to accept what happened. But I’ve finally given up being CoDependent WonderWoman always trying to solve everyone else’s problems.
I am mighty in that I am delighted that I am now able to sit alone in silence with thoughts. In other words, I no longer have to stay in frenetic motion all the time to silence The Committee In My Head. As a matter of fact, I’ve learned that The Committee might actually have something important to say to protect me … or better yet … The Committee might have something funny to say.
I am might in that I have embraced my creativity. Today I blog, I write serious and satire essays, I make parody videos, do graphics, etc. One related parody video is: ‘A Humorous Commentary On Narcissism’ on Youtube, by Blog Lady.
I laughingly say that my humor imp periodically channels Erma Bombeck because the highlight reel of memories of What-Was-HisName? and the flying monkeys get reframed/narrated with good natured snarky commentary. This is especially noticeable when I look back on how silly I was, crying, snotting, and blowing over such a horrible person for so long.
ChumpLady wrote a really great post [and has even posted it several times I think] entitled: “The Ones Who Just Leave’ about the cheaters who just up and disappear. https://www.chumplady.com/2018/09/the-ones-who-just-leave-2/
That’s my story line and I consider myself the poster child for what NOT to do when this occurs. But hey, someone’s gotta provide the entertainment, right?
Lastly, I would say that I am mighty in that I managed to live through excruciating emotional and physical pain, near mortal embarrassment, a smear campaign of epic proportions, loneliness and C-PTSD that I thought would kill me, and now over 8 years of solitary existence—guess what? It wasn’t fatal. I didn’t die from it. It actually turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me, but not if you judge by purely financial criteria.
When The Chump Train dumped me off in The Land Of Meh, it was a be–uu–tee–ful thing. It was a long ride and I have to admit that I passed up my exits a few times before I decided to get off. I am pleased that I can honestly say that I no longer wish for vengeance for my ex and his new wife. I think the tow of them living with each other is poetic justice enough.
I also no longer expect that the record will magically be set straight. I can live with the fact that I’ll probably never be vindicated in the eyes of people who only heard one side of a made-up story. And I don’t even dignify people who start with the ‘it takes two to tango’ nonsense with a response.
The bottom line is that I sleep quite well at night. I’m a faith based person, and as such, I am willing to let a Higher Power sort it all out some day—OR NOT. It’s above my pay grade and interest level.
Granted, it took me a LONG while, and as I said, I was ridiculously stubborn in attempts to hold on to hopeless hope. I was going to be the exception to a long established rule. [How many ways can you spell denial?]
Today I take with me a sense of inner peace, knowing that I surrendered to the reality what was/is, and that I took my bumps and bruises and finally reached acceptance/moved on.
The moral of my story is that this painful experience left me with self respect that is no longer contingent on other people. And that was something that I desperately needed.
So, having said all that serious stuff, as Deeter from Sprockets on Saturday Night Live would do, I now jump up, clap my hands and say …. ‘And now we dance!’ LOL
Thank you for your post. I am still learning how to let go in many aspects in my life and I am truly being stubborn about it. It’s great to see that life can go on despite the pain xoxo
Page Pike
We were either separated at birth, or you’re my sister by another mother. I hope you are my future as we have such similar stories.
I’m 2 out from second DDay, and I appreciate how mighty you are. I’ve cut and pasted your journey and will refer to it when I get “stuck”. Reading these posts from CN, makes me see a light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks!
I bet you’re superhero cape is made of gold.
Thank you for the kind words. I have no cape, and certainly no gold these days [he took it], just skinned knees and a bunch of bruises on my shins from the bumpy ride.
Yes, I was so steeped in Pollyann-ism that not only were my glasses rose colored, but my skin and hair was too. I looked like a Smurf. I would read all the beautiful posts on CN and I’d secretly think, “Yeah, but my situation is different.” Oh please … Eye roll.
Of all the ‘resources’ out there, ChumpLady’s smack-you-in-the-face way of saying things and Lundy Bankroft’s book: ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry & Abusive Men’ were my go-to, life-saving touchstones for reorienting myself to reality.
If you ever feel like romanticizing [or spackling as CL says] your past with your ex, do yourself a huge favor and keep going back and re-reading Lundy Bankroft’s book. He shows you—from dealing with the men he works in his male abuser program—that by their own admissions that YES, THEY DO IT INTENTIONALLY. No vixens swept them off their feet with their charms. They didn’t trip and fall into bed with other people. They didn’t accidentally have a lapse of sanity and oops, sorry honey, I inadvertently drained all the bank accounts. They simply think we’re stupid and think that we’ll take it.
Cheaters are weak in every sense of the word. Think of it, they could NEVER endure what any of us have been made to go through as a result of their betrayals. Nope. The little cowards had to find themselves another Mommy Dearest so they could suck on a new teat before they even could find the impetus to make a move. How pitiful is that?
They don’t have the courage to face their fears like we’ve been forced to do. Pffft! They can’t even sit for 50 minutes in a therapist’s chair because they’re too spineless to be vulnerable and look at themselves. The list goes on … ChumpLady and ChumpNation have done an outstanding job of covering all that in detail so many times. And like you, I too used to take screen shots and keep them to remind myself of the truth when I needed lovingly smacked around for my own good.
Fear is not always a bad thing. Like anger, it can be our internal warning system saying ‘Hey, something amiss. Yo, something needs fixed.’ Somatic Narcs [like mine] go to the gym and pump iron to get big muscles to impress people. Good on them; Nothing wrong with that. But us? We get our muscles by facing our fears, enduring, adulting, and looking squarely into the face of the things we fear [the unknown] and accepting it as a development challenge.
Like you, I too went YEARS without buying anything. I rotated the same handful of outfits for years. I duct taped the holes in the bottom of my favorite Eastland loafers and kept wearing them. For several years, I sat in my car up to 16 hours a day, roaming from parking lot to parking lot so as not to draw attention to the fact that I had nowhere to go. I too know what it’s like to sleep on a futon mattress on the hard floor. And like you, I’m sure there’s much more. But through all that I had my self respect. Narc cheaters don’t have that—and never will.
I tread very lightly about the humor I now find in my sordid ordeal, not wanting to offend or trigger others who may not be to The Land Of Meh yet. But my experience is that once you depart from the train, you can laugh again, for a lot of different reasons.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot, there’s one more important resource that I forgot to mention. Watch the video link below. Gavin DeBecker wrote a book, “The Gift Of Fear’. This video is a lecture he gave about how we [especially women] are so willing to discount our gut instinct because we think we might offend someone by keeping boundaries and protecting ourselves & children. Even now, when I’m dealing with someone [not in a romantic relationship but just in daily life] and I get that gut check, I’m getting better at listening and taking precautions. Hopefully it’s okay with ChumpLady to include like. If not, she can remove it, but you can look it up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNtXjIiJ0PU
This video rounds out the trifecta of body armor for former Pollyanna Chumps in my opinion. ChumpLady, Lundy Bankroft, and Gavin DeBecker. I like them so well that I’ve made a number of their quotes into graphics for Twitter.
Lastly, it’s not out of the realm of possibility that we may be related. No joke, my biological father was a serial cheater/abandoner, marrying and then abandoning 7 [yes seven!] women/wives/families before he died. Last count, I had 12 half brothers and sisters in the US. At my father’s funeral a ‘cousin’ came up to my step-brother and me, held his hand out to shake hands. He then leaned over, and said in a quiet voice, “I’m So-And-So. You know me as your cousin, but really I’m your half-brother’.
Now THAT’s something you want to be sure to omit from one’s family resume!
Page
Pike Page,
Thanks for the link; it lead to others of his that were equally good – especially the one on ‘charm’. Very succinct examples of how we, especially women, undermine ourselves by ignoring our intuition and wanting to ‘be nice’.
Amazing how much of what he says are things that I have learned here via Tracy or people positing what their experiences have been.
We are definitely sisters in the Chump Nation sisterhood.
This is such an important post.
PP,
Loved your video. Especially the lawyers: ‘Ditcher, Quick and Hyde.’
Thanks for the encouragement.
PagePike – Thank you for your post. Your achievements are my aspirations in the next phase of my recovery.
Unbeknownst to cheaterpants, I bought a house all on my own with my own salary and money. Then one weekend, while fuckwit was spending the weekend with that pathetic whore, I moved out. When he came home on Sunday, half of everything was gone. His big screen TV, his easy chair, kitchen table, etc, etc. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that one. I felt I was escaping an abusive husband and, in fact, I was. I felt free and happy . . . at least for a few days. He somehow found me and just kept showing up at my house. He is a sicko. He just couldn’t let me go and and live my life. I am now 10 months post divorce and 4 months no contact. Things are getting better slowly. Be mighty!
What a coup, WarriorPrincess! You set up your own entire new life, below the radar, then just moved out! I’m sorry you have to deal with the him on your front porch, do not hesitate to take legal action–please consult with your attorney about taking steps to do that–do not let him in your new, scared space! All gold stars and high-fives to you.
Thank you so much, ClearView.
Wow!
Wow, wish I could have been a fly on the wall when he came back too! Well done you – you are indeed mighty!
Warrior Princess, that was amazing. You are mighty! That must have be so hard to not laugh in his face. I’m glad you are four months No Contact. I hope he never bothers you again.
My boys and I adopted a puppy this summer, after years of cheater-ex telling us a dog would be too much trouble. We love our new sweet family member! Taking turns walking the dog is giving everyone is more exercise, so I’ve lost 15 lbs and my blood sugar is under control again. Feeling mighty…
And you have another soul to love, a furry one.
D-Day was February 14, my 51 y/husband having begun an affair summer 2018 with a 23 y/o young woman he described as an addict and alcoholic because he “only wanted to save her but fell I fell in love with her instead.” They’ve traveled extensively since then (including a Cape Cod getaway for Valentine’s Day/my D-Day).
In the 8 months since, I’ve hired an awesome attorney; I’ve packed and moved all his things into storage paid for with his credit card; prepped and sold the house; applied for and was granted my license as a professional counselor; began my counseling private practice; rented and moved into a tiny but lovely home five blocks from my new office; supported my youngest son’s therapeutic boarding school experience where he’s been in care for addiction and attachment issues around his father, the first cheating sparkledick I married—narcissist-attractions issues much?–(he also left our marriage for his 22 y/o student, when he was 42); worked with therapeutic boarding school to defer fees until after financial settlement is finalized; recovered from appendectomy and hernia repair associated with an injury during rage packing and moving (LOL); supported college apps and financial aid apps for both my sons; and, all the goddesses help me, have said NO to wasband’s requests to visit the dogs because he misses them so much (they ARE awesome dogs but what-the-actual-fuck?). I have been no-contact–attorney manages so much shit for me–for about 4 weeks; very, very limited contact for about 4 months. I have an amazing therapist, a primary care physician who absolutely gets it, and four generous friends who have patience, and stamina, and affirmations and empathic rage in spades. And of course, CL and CN wisdom every single day.
I live in a one-year separation state, so divorce will be finalized 02.14.20.
Sigh. Thank you for letting me share this.
You are mighty ClearView. Might I also add that the Cape is a terrible place to be in February! Sounds like they both deserve a terrible place though!
You are mighty indeed! Your STBX is truly stupid.
ClearView – you rock the shit out of being mighty! You’re soon to be ex-ahole has personal problems which have nothing to do with you. This addict and alcoholic whore is just a distraction from his issues he doesn’t want to face. 02-14-20 will be here before you know it! I hope you get the peace of mind you so deserve.
Good reason to celebrate on Valentine’s Day!!!!!!! Take back that holiday for YOU.
This is a GREAT Friday topic!!
I am mighty because…
1) I own my own house which is NOT fixer-upper (like STBX’s shit hole he swore would be finished by now-ahem-14 years ago) and cars which are always clean and picked up.
2) My job is great (now that I don’t have the distractions he constantly provided).
3) An amazing boyfriend who was also chumped (we COMMUNICATE about EVERYTHING-when we are happy or mad) so no more resentments. A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!
4)The BEST part: I was SO worried that my 3 teenagers were going to suffer and rebel. THEY ARE DOING FANTASTIC!!! Better attitudes, better grades, and happier.
Even up until August of last year-I wouldn’t have believed it if someone told me I would be writing this-but it CAN and WILL happen-keep going-NO MATTER WHAT!!!
❤️❤️❤️
7 months from Dday still married and living together. Got a great counselor. Gave me practical tips that are working to reduce the triggers and snap out of it (mindfulness, exercise, diet, sleep, socialization). 6 weeks without alcohol. Getting braces today.
2 weeks ago we’re outlining divorce terms. They weren’t favorable but I could live with it. As we wrap it up, she starts the hoovering saying she doesn’t want the divorce and she loves me blah blah. I read on another site today this is just another classic narc behavior to add to the list. Obviously reason and fairness are out the window so I’ll just have to escape the narc with the standard contested divorce. Wish me luck and thanks for the mighty stories.
Mac1243-You will NOT regret your decision to divorce and move on.
I stayed for 15 years after the first affair-sadly-that wasn’t the last one.
I think the hardest part is making the decision to put YOU first.
Do it.
Good luck, Mac. It’s the old divorce bait-and-switch. They play at being willing to negotiate and when they get right up to the point, they renege. They boo-hoo. They hoover. Of course they don’t want divorce. They lose money and stuff and have to face the AP without the help of a triangle.
So talk to your lawyer about whether you want to stay in the house/apartment or leave–what you have to do to not be living together. Hang out here with us. Things will get better.
HOWDY CREW!
OK.TRACY!! 1st off this…”burning the hole in your thumb-index finger webbing”…
I was calibrating the 1000 volt DC range of a Fluke digital multimeter at Fort Ord, and wasn’t paying attention as I reached across to turn the page of the calibration procedure, then…
BZZT!! A nanosecond..my right arm flew back like a demon possession… burned a nice little white spot on the inside tip my thumb- down to the bone. I remember that one hurt for weeks… So Bravo. (BTW, I need my 03 Toyota Taco frame welded. What’ll you charge me? LOL)
Mighty. I have that weird chumpiness character defect called humility so this one is kinda hard to do but Fcuk it, here goes…
(L’Histoire)
Sep 2017 Dragon leaves to munch on next victim, (Filed that month)
Jun 29 2018 pdf arrives via email with final divorce decree. Got 4 acres of land and a small cottage. Home for me and Beagle units 1&2. Paid for (Well, taxes… $600/yr) ;0)
This month marks 2 years studying OhDoKwan- the military version of TaeKwonDo. (I did this 44 years ago and got my purple belt). Rediscovery.Yeah Baby.
I’m Almost to yellow belt, but at 59 I’m not there to become the next MMA champion. I Got in shape. Grew my hair out. (I get stared down routinely in public…with smiles from much younger gals and guys….Great ego boost…BUT EAT your heart out Bitches- I’m still off the market HEALING (by choice)).
I actually competed in an Ishiru-Karate tournament this past April and won all catagories in my class- Executive Men Over 50. I beat a green belt 5-4 in sparring 10 years younger than me. I was the only competitor in my age bracket. (I felt cheated and victorious at the same time. Ahh, the Duality of life. Pffft.)
Even though I feel my six decades of physicality I have damn good mobility, flexibility, speed and strength for this age. I’m SO Thankful to have this Level of health when so many don’t. Praise Yeshua. …and Praise Tracy for developing the Marital Art of Chump Do Kwan- even with scarred finger webbing…Shibum Schorn…Did you catch that!? Marital. Martial. HA
I started playing guitar again. After decades of not. I sometimes get to play in a local, monthly open jamm with an incredible group of encouraging, talented musicians that call me ‘Friend’. Some nights are simply cathartic. What resembles True (Not Genuine Imitation) JOY. It’s a Godsend…a tidbit vision quest of what’s on the horizon I think.
I can recognize now when I start into cyclic Depression episodes now. I’m not afraid to seek medical help, to get back on Effexor..Not at all.. It’s self care Dude. Wonky Brain chemistry imbalances from who knows where/why (mal-regulation of Serotonin/Norepinephrin reuptake) which is completely irrelevant, because SNRIs seem to work for me where SSRIs failed. The walls do sing again, eventually. I CAN wait to hear the tune..maybe I can play it. :o0
I’ve actually Not gotten involved in two single mom relationships, even though the dark side wanted ‘it’. They know my story but moreso my awareness that I’m an unfit candidate for another because I can’t “Be There” 100% just yet. +Codependent MF. AF. +Sometimes ADDAF. The mighty part? I’m owning it as picker-fixin-progress. This ‘RECIPROCITY’ collary CL taught me is a great tool for spotting real authentic friends. I’m hearing “Don’t fall in love with POTENTIAL” in my subconscious. Routinely. I’m learning what the term ‘An Organic Relationship’ looks like. They are very, very slow to grow. No immediate satisfaction- which I’ve read is a sign of maturity for those that can understand that as a major Self care milestone. I’m still very much a WIP- work in progress.
I went to my 2nd Rockfest. Metal. And had a Great time. WOW. The heavens parted at the last minute and the venue changed to literally right in my backyard. It’s like the cosmos said, “Dude!! You’re Going. I also won 2 free tickets in addition to the two I purchased. Coincidence? There are NO Coincidences.
Not completely MEH yet, but well on my way..
You are doing so well. Reciprocity! That’s one of our most important tools of a fixed picker–looking for people who RECIPROCATE. Looking for friends and someday partners who are true and honest, who give as well as they get. And going slow–that’s a sign of real growth.
So much mighty!!
Alas, I hung up my mig welder, so I can’t help you with the Ford. But rock on!
Ahhh, Planet Ord….I spent the coldest 2 years of my life there. No dating for me…much work to do. It would be nice to get a nibble though. My sister says I don’t give off the right vibes, whatever that means. You do you, and whatever keeps you healthy.
Planet Ord-oh yeah!! I’ve lived in the Monterey area since 1986; Ord is now split between Marina and Seaside, but I remember well the good ole days going on base with friends, shooting pool, and other things that won’t be mentioned here lol.
My STBX’s first husband was stationed there; she was born and raised here. He went to Korea and she followed but they divorced in less than two years. She always said he cheated on her. Her mother said she never discussed what happened, but given what she’s done and some of the things I’ve remembered since she left, I have to wonder…..
On the road to MIGHTY (almost there, I think):
1) Legal separation agreement done – my finances are now secure and I can afford to keep my home on my own.
2) Lots has gotten done in my home to finish all the unfinished projects. Most of it done by me on the weekends I don’t have my kids.
3) My job is amazing.
4) My kids are doing really well. They are with me 65-67% of the time, so I get to be the more stable, moral influence (consistency important for my son with autism).
5) Excellent relationships with family and friends, including my in-laws who will always consider me family.
6) I’m in the best physical shape – back to what I was before I got married in 2006.
7) Taking guitar lessons. Started a wine club. Learning to use the tools to build my own deck in the spring.
8) Mental health is pretty good. Trauma symptoms are gone. Working through issues from my childhood. Don’t experience anywhere near the stress that I once did when married (yet my life is just as busy and I’m on my own).
9) Feeling good being on my own, achieving things on my own. No longer blame myself for my cheater straying. Fully see how this is all on him.
10) Have had some great sex with an old boyfriend who was also chumpted by his own wife. We’re just friends, but it was nice validation and great chemistry (I really was missing out all the years I was married.)
It’s all good here.
I am going strong. Best time of my life… EVER! Slowly the memory of fuckwit and schloopie are fading. I have maintained a safe and honest relationship with his family. I have done a huge amount of work on my self and my picker. I am open and staying in the moment with change and the whole enchilada.
Plus, I have saved a ton of money since I no longer buy a case of PBR every week. We live in Oregon for heaven’s sake, land of really good beer. What a dweeb.
Love to all my felloow CL’s
Wellll… Since you twisted my arm.
I’m two weeks into a new job. Finally out of teaching and practising law! More money and safer.
My son was made deputy head boy at his school yesterday.
My daughter is loving her new school.
The kids been smelling their father’s shit and complaining and I’m in a good enough place to keep it together.
I give thanks to God. My faith in him and reliance on his word plus this community kept me together in the dark time.
Here’s to all the up and coming kick ass chumps. You going make it. Keep fighting. You have it in you.
Now I am one year from divorce being final. I bought out Douche’s equity in the house. While married (30+ year) I never paid attention to finances. Douche was the “financial expert.” I just shoveled a significant portion of my paycheck into the “nest egg,” which never seemed to grow the way I thought it would. But I was not allowed to question the “financial expert.” Now that I have my own account and have disentangled from Douche (who married Schmoopie immediately after divorce so he’s hers now), funny how fast my nest egg is growing. I am slowly getting smarter about investments. I have also learned how to fix a running toilet (YouTube), change batteries in the smoke detectors (YouTube) and kill bugs myself. In MY house. I paid to have a 60-ft tall dead tree removed from the yard. Got the AC checked and repaired, got gas leaks fixed that apparently had been there for years. I got a nice bonus that, for the first time in my life, I don’t have to share with a Douche. Daughter is progressing in therapy and learning how to distance herself from Douche’s cruelty and Schmoopie’s manipulations. Many of these things are small but add up to a real confidence boost. Things are So. Incredibly. Peaceful.
Another Chump , you are truly mighty. It was so hard for me to leave and file for divorce. It took me over two years and several tries. Go No Contact and don’t look back. You got this.
Another Chump , you are truly mighty. It was so hard for me to leave and file for divorce. It took me over two years and several tries. Go No Contact and don’t look back. You got this.
Since reading CL and finding so many who feel the way I do and have been through similar and even worse, I finally had the guts yesterday to schedule a meeting with an attorney and to talk to a therapist who I will meet with starting tomorrow.
I’m scared being at the very beginning of this process but I also feel a strength in finally doing what I have been thinking of for so long.
I’m lining up my support system.
Remember to add all of us to your support system. Honestly, I know myself I wouldn’t be where I am without everyone here!!! You will do just fine. The first steps are the hardest. Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight. (I actually think those are song lyrics but they were in my mind…LOL!!) It does get better. Every step you take makes you so much stronger. I was the most scared I’ve ever been and I’ve been through a lot! Hugs to you.
Good for you!!
That was one of the scariest steps for me too. Just don’t think about all the things, just think to yourself “next step” and get up enough courage to walk that little ways further. It’s the only way I’ve found for myself to move out of that limbo state.
Good for you! The support system is crucial!
After leaving my job and residence to move in with my partner who promised to take care of me only to discover everything was a lie, I fell into a deep, deep depression like the kind where you can’t get out of bed, no longer find joy in anything, and I was lucky if I showered. It lasted for about 12 months.
As I lived with him, it also meant I had no home to go to…and because he promised to take care of me, I had no job to support me and no one wanted to hire me because I took a lot of time off of work… I went from being successful to losing it all…it was beyond scary.
But nothing changes unless you make changes. So everyday I made an effort, no matter how small, even if all I could do was brush my teeth and wash my hair or go for a walk. I went to bed and tried to find gratitude in at least 3 things that happened to me that day, even if it was a simple as someone smiling at me.
It has been over a year and a half since DDay and I am gainfully employed and make more than my last job. I also have my own apartment and I finally feel ready to date again. I still think about that horrible person everyday, but I no longer cry.
No contact really does work. And I never thought I would get out of my depression or find more than an hourly retail job, but I did it and I earn a high 6 figure income.
Hugs to all who wonder if it will ever end. It will.
Amazing job. How did you find your current job? I feel I’m regressing back into the depression again. I made some choices and trying to rise above them. I put myself first and started taking care of myself and my needs and unfortunately my 19 yr old moved back with her cheat father. It is a shot sandwich just thinking about it. I’m going to restart baby steps towards therapy again. Just curious about how to get a good job again, I applied everywhere and great resume and I hear crickets. Xoxo sweet
I did a few things and I’m not sure how it all came together but it did.
First, I had to make some type of effort everyday. I networked with people I knew and with strangers on LinkedIn.
Second, I took a contract gig offered to me through networking – it had a very short term duration, but I didn’t care. That contract gig got me another contract gig and ultimately I got hired based upon my performance.
Also during all the networking, I opened up my idea of what a perfect job meant. I took a part-time retail job to get me out of the house. I felt a bit humbled by it actually, but having a reason to get up, shower and interact with people lifted my mood. I would do it again in a heart beat.
Fourth, I surrounded myself with people who cared about me and told me I could do this. People believed in me even when I couldn’t. They encouraged me not to give up.
Also, if I saw an job opening I also looked up people on LinkedIn who could put me in-touch with hiring manager and reached out directly. Finding a job requires determination and interviewing to win it. I got rejected by a few places because I lost my confidence and it came through in the interview. I had to change the way I viewed myself and remember any company who hired me would be lucky to have me and not the other way around. In the end, I know it was being committed to constantly making an effort that got me my job.
I wish you much success and hope you find your way, too.
Mighty , but still in the land of suck.
Looks like divorce is going to take 3 and a half years.
Maintaining no contact.
I have built and moved into a new home.
New group of friends. Closer to Meh . It is out there somewhere.
3 1/2 years. Yikes. It’s mighty just to survive that. But building a new home? That’s awesome.
Kfindingmyway,
My divorce took over three years (as my ex-husband took me to court and refused to settle without wiping me out and getting 100% custody of our kids). (My ex-husband financially wiped me out but did not get majority custody of our kids.) I didn’t build a house as you did, though. You are mighty!
At DDay I was left with a half demolished house and a new car I couldn’t afford on one salary.
Despite all his threats , blackmail, games, him cutting off all financial help and still battling it out in court 16 months later , I’ve held it all together.
I lost my job …then got a new one with more pay.
I’ve learned to say no and stick to it.
I’ve fixed the mess he left, and some .
I was on my knees financially , but got back up and started again.
I look better than I have in years, because the stress of my marriage was killing me.
But my most mighty achievement recently, was that finally after months of trying to be decent and nice and getting nowhere, I cut him off and went NC. It has only been a week, but I found the strength to actually block him on my email and put down the hopium pipe of belief that he could ever be a decent person .Baby steps.
What can I say, here I am, just another one, 60+yrs, post 21 yr relationship, I KNEW we were rock solid, BUT Jethro Tull, and his train hit me… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jk1ML2WzCR8 I@m hoping to find my station soon. xxxGo Chumps… you rock!!!
The Twat left me when I was 51 years old. I was working but taking on a new mortgage at 53 (when the divorce went through) was a worry even for me, and I’m not the worrying type! So I ended up taking on a $350,000 mortgage to buy him out of the house and pay off all the debts he ran up (the new camper, the $60,000 car for him) and so on. My lovely Dutchman advised me to make the mortgage repayments as comfortable as possible for myself but then to start socking away as much as possible to pay it off early. After a couple of years I got the hang of it, cut back hard on all the bills (that was easy as it was him running them up all the time) and began paying double and then triple off the mortgage. And THEN just last year, I had really had it “up to here” with my 3-4 hour daily commute so I handed my notice in and retired 5 years early on 31 December! 17 year mortgage paid off in just 7 – and that was why I was able to retire. On a lot less than I had planned but it doesn’t matter because I can live on it. The other thing I did was that I wanted to travel but was leery of doing it alone. So I took my courage in both hands and went on my first solos trip (to Turkey as it happens). Now I’m not shy but this was a bit nerve-wracking all the same. But I aced it, had a blast, Turkey was wonderful and now I wouldn’t go on holiday with a “partner” if you paid me! Since then I’ve done 12 trips to places that I wouldn’t have wanted to go to alone as an older woman (Cuba, Peru, Sri Lanka, St. Lucia and so on). I got my confidence back and after a few years of being free of the Twat I also got my smile back. Bliss!
I grew up with parents who believed traveling was important and gave very opportunity they. could afford to do so. I managed to give DD that same opportunity. One of our plans as in husband and I was to retire and travel. So it was a shock when several month ago he said he has no interest in traveling why would he want to go anywhere else. Well this is one reason I had been saving and waiting longer to retire so we could travel.
Since his life is now all involved in school and he has no interest in going anywhere with me, .I scheduled a trip by myself to my hometown and told him he was not invited. I am learning to travel on my own since you have no interest. He was not happy but why should I sit around waiting for someone who is not even really interested?
I feel like I have to really just get on with things by myself now at 60 years old.I really admire women who travel on their own particularly to other countries. My daughter went to Africa with a group but knew no one who was going. She had a blast and learned a lot.
So more power to solo women travelers. One of these days I will go farther than my hometown by myself.Thanks to all of you for the support!
Good for you for telling him to bugger off. My husband would have ruined every trip I ever did anyway because he always knew more about everywhere than anyone else (not)! And even on the “non-solos” trips there are always singles anyway. Travel is my joy (until the day I can no longer do it or no longer want to do it) so please please take the plunge and just do it (safely). You will NEVER regret it! (I’m hesitating between Mexico, Thailand and Botswana for the spring – oh, and I ALWAYS post pictures on FB just so that he can see them – and seethe)!
Almost 6 full years out. I was doing great for the first 3 years–in terrific shape and enjoying life. But the situation here in the U.S. along with two deaths close to me got me off track and self-medicating with jelly beans and mac & cheese.
This summer, I took myself in hand, went to the doctor, got all the blood tests, and started to change my mind and my eating habits. Now I’m down 25 pounds, I’ve quit sugar for the most pop, went from a massive diet soda habit to being a water drinker, and figure to hit goal weight somewhere along the new year. I’m taking my time. My weight has been a yo-yo all my life, sometimes going as long as a decade in great shape and when someone dies… poof. But this time, I’m committed to losing the bad habits of mind as well as eating.
I’m back to a highly committed spiritual practice. I’ve revitalized my teaching. I was “gifted” a kitten some months ago and did a good job of getting all 3 living peacefully. I’m dealing with the impact of climate change and development on my little corner of paradise. New garage doors, new porch door, fresh stain on the deck, continuing tree maintenance (thousands–no wonder I’m broke all the time). Watched 2 sets of robins hatch on the wreath on my front door (crazy bird), another nest hatch on top of the back security light, and a restful of wrens chirping in the birdhouse.
In bucket list news, I crossed off a major item: I petted a tiger–a baby one. Plus I hugged an elephant. My college team went undefeated and my project kids made it through freshman year.
And I had a near-encounter with Jackass, who is back to work at the place he hates and therefore at times lurking in the neighborhood. Meh.
ARRGGHH typos. Or autocorrect.
Attie, you are living my dream of solo travel. I’m so glad you are seeing this wonderful world. That is Mighty.
I’m planning a trip for my sixtieth birthday next year. I am going to Alaska to see the Northern Lights. I love to GO!
Reading about your solo travel as an older woman inspires me that I can enjoy traveling alone. Thank You!
33 – that is wonderful. I quit my job when I was 24 and went round Australia for 6 months because I knew I had to see Australia! BUT, I’m now 61 and am much more aware that the world can be unsafe, so that’s why I go on organized trips and have always felt very safe, although I got back from Sri Lanka only 10 days before the bombs and the hotel I stayed overnight in in Columbo was the one where the bomb didn’t go off! But, I will keep going until I no longer want to. My purse cost me €10 from the market in Turin, I live in sweatpants and don’t buy fancy clothes – and all that extra money goes towards my trips. I have met some lovely people on my trips (and just a few jerks) and have kept in touch with 3 people all this time. I actually went to Marrakech, Morocco, totally alone and did not enjoy it, although Marrakech was lovely. I went up into the Atlas mountains (where those 2 young Scandinavian girls were savagely murdered) and while I always felt safe I didn’t enjoy it because I enjoy company – I don’t have to know them beforehand though. So enjoy that Alaska trip and as for the rest – go for it. You won’t regret it! And just think of all the tales you’ll have to tell your grandchildren!!!! Ninja granny!
Forgot to say, I turned 60 last year and spent it in Sicily. Boogeyed my 60th birthday night away with an 80 year old widow and had a blast!!!!
Can I just tell you how much I appreciate you and how happy I am to hear how well you are doing. You amaze me xo thank you for always posting xoxo
And you are a valued voice on Chump Nation! Rock on! Your life is rich and full, and now healthier.
I actively have to stop myself from trolling him when I am forced to engage bc of kiddo.
2 years 2 months from dday
1 year 2 months from divorce final
And I have to stop myself from responding in a way I know will piss him off.
Example: Ragingmeh it is your fault I am not paying half of EDP bc you never told me the right amount.
Me: great, thanks!!!
His meanness and spite used to hurt. Now it makes me laugh, it is so predictable and now that I see him for what he is….so easy to manipulate.
Oh, and the 15-20 bucks he thinks he is getting over on me each month…. a small price to pay for not having to engage and it reminds him I dont care about the money bc I make a crapload on my own.
Not to mention my PHD in narcissism via ChumpNation has dovetailed nicely with the fall of our republic. My god, could trump be more predictable to chumpnation?
The opposite of love is, indeed, indifference.
Ragingmeh, we can spot a malignant narcissist from miles away.
Lovedajackass, this is now my superpower. I see them and I carefully avoid them. And I most certainly don’t vote for them!
Lovedajackass, you gave me “MENTALLY Divorced.” That phrase has helped me so much. I was feeling so stuck in the limbo land of this divorce. I left him physically and now I’m very nearly mentally divorced.
Thank You dear Lovedajackass! Your wisdom and practical advice have helped me so much.
To the newbies,
After total devastation and loss, I found my higher self (sounds twee) but, I did! I was personally & financially wrecked but, I survived. I found MEH & it’s truly beautiful. Goodluck to everyone here on finding peace and comfort. Hugs
30 years married.
Dday 2.5 years ago.
Divorce 1.5 years ago.
NC 1 year ago.
Wouldn’t say that I have reached mighty yet but I can share a bit of what I have learned if I can remember it – my brain is still in shock/overload mode and it lets me know what it wants me to remember and know without consulting me:
I have learned:
The pick-me-polka.
A new vocabulary that consists of letters only: LACFAL, CL, CN. NC, UBT, POS, STBX, FOO, XH, XW, DS, DD, OW, MEH, DARVO, RIC, PTG (Post Traumatic Growth), TFC,….
A new vocabulary that does consist of words whose definitions were previously unknown to me and now have become my native tongue: Chump, narcissist, gaslighting, blame shifting, serial cheater, ghosting, wreconciliation, fuckwit, schmoopie, cluster B personalities, the cheater’s trifecta – charm, rage, self-pity, unilateral decisions, Switzerland friends, Plan B, snark, Dday, (My computer hates that one), speckling, hoovering, sparkle dick, hopium,
(I always loved vocabulary day in elementary school so this has been a walk down memory lane for me.)
To use four letter words in my daily conversations with abandon which is very out of character for my old self whose language was impeccable.
What is essential to recovery from betrayal and abandonment: CL and CN and Al-Anon.
What ambiguous grief means.
What obfuscation means.
That I am not alone.
That I am in good company here.
That I am good company when I show up.
That I can have a funeral in a real cemetery for a marriage and be the only alive person present. (There were some Canadian geese wandering around who didn’t object to my presence as long as I didn’t interrupt them with whatever they were up to.)
That I can have a double funeral in a real cemetery for a marriage and a person who is alive but was not the person I thought he was so essentially a service for a complete stranger without anyone kicking me out of said cemetery or having me committed to the local psych hospital. ( I could easily fit in such a place because who, in their right mind, would believe my story unless they have lived it.) (I noticed that the geese did give me a wide berth though.)
That it wasn’t my fault.
And last but not least, (I hate making lists like this because I know I will think of a ton of other stuff once I hit the ‘Post Comment’ button), I have learned how not to do the pick-me-polka.
Thank you to everyone here, past and present, for sharing your strength, experience, hope and meh. You have kept me going one day at a time and educated me in ways previously unknown to me – as someone here labeled it – Warp Speed Evolution.
October 1 was two years post d-day. Mighty #1: Didn’t even remember that Oct 1 was an “anniversary” until a few days later. Mighty #2: In May of this year, the Kaiser of Loathesomeness had all my belongings — which I had had to leave behind (he & FBBL stole my house) — dumped at my sister’s home without warning. The boxes and their contents were triggers in themselves, but the Kaiser and FBBL had also added special surprises. In one box, for example, a wedding invitation showing that they had gotten married 8 weeks after he ended our 15 year relationship by email was included.
I haven’t been destroyed anew or given up despite these shocks. I’ve continued going box by box through those motherfucking things throughout the summer. My wonderful sister and I have methodology: She does a “peek and shriek”: an initial check to see if monsters are inside a given box before I deal with it. Then one by one, I discard, donate, or keep (the last is rare.) We’re down to the last 40 boxes, and I am still NC, always will be. I’ve recovered some meaningful items and given some good things to charity.
I know he sent them so that the narrative could be what a good man he is sending my stuff back to me. I know she thinks she has erased me. My mightiness grows with every box I empty. I know that I am stronger, better and unerasable.
I’ve mastered the no contact thing as much as I can with two young kids. Except for one little piece of contact I’ve had to maintain for my safety and sanity.
I track my and his astrology forecast to help me with my timing as we slowly painfully work through lawyers re parenting and property. It’s been gold. Also have a great psychic who has helped me trust my intuition again after 15 years of having it gaslighted out of me.
Checking out his next year (mine starts with a windfall and plenty good times) and I come across a nasty transit he’ll be enduring for most of the year. The guy who wrote this is nice, unlike my ex NPD/ASPD. So I suspect someone’s karma bus is about to crash, right where I parked it on Consequence St. My ex does not learn lessons nor does he surrender. He’s out to win and I think his winning streak is up. I’ll just be watching that unfold from my OWN home (we should be settled on property by then, a year and a half after D Day) from over here on Healthy Boundary, the sunny side of the street.
https://astrohawk11.blogspot.com/2015/06/what-it-means-to-have-transit-pluto.html
I cut off all contact with the cheater/narc a year and a half ago, and have maintained it 100%. I severed my business relationship with the OW and reported her to her boss (she was representing me at my publishing house) and have been given a new contact who treats me with kindness and respect. This past summer I flew across the world and presented my work in front of a wonderfully appreciative audience, and bonded with a fellow artist who has also had a horror story happen to them in the industry, and survived. I am teaching and doing the work I love. I have a network of friends who love and support me. I have recently joined a fitness group, which has helped me with anxiety, which skyrocketed after I found out about their sick power games. I also went through a period where leaving the house was hard, because I was so traumatized by the privacy violation, but now I am getting up and out and doing power-walks in the morning. I am healing. I have done some deep reading on narcissistic manipulation, and some deep thinking. I no longer miss him, or long for his company–I see exactly what he is: a black hole. And she is a fraud. So yes, people can survive. I have been mighty with the help of some very solid friends and some very loving family members. I think mighty is knowing who you are inside, and knowing that they can’t touch that. I see clearly what they are. I will never be the same person again–they stole my innocence. But I am tough. And I can help other women, and other artists, who have gone through this. And I know integrity when I see it, and am no longer afraid to name disordered behavior, to ask for help, or to cut someone out of my life when they are a predator. Thank you to CL and CN for your support and wisdom. I remember coming to this site in the middle of winter, when it felt as if a bomb had gone off in my life, and finding these kind voices laying their wise words across my screen helped me to get through it. Thank you. <3
Due to my ex being a life sucking zombie, I was already doing almost everything myself. He was too depressed. It had been 16 years of mental illness but the last two years were particularly bad. I was picking up all the slack so he could go to work early and stay late because he was soooo depressed that he was ‘unable to keep up’.
But, you know the story, he had his 20 year old girlfriend at work and me, the wife appliance at home AND I also starred as his private secretary at work too. Yes, we all worked together, how nice.
Not much has changed with him gone, I am just as fucking great as always except instead of pandering to his needs, I get to spend time on myself. So long loser ????
6 months out from Dday, divorce almost final. Looking for a town house to buy for me and my kids. Was and lives very close so I have to see him a lot, but I mostly ignore him.
Wanting to start a business with 2 girl friends…..I don’t feel that mighty but I feel stronger and stronger with each passing day
Late to the party, but my “outlet” Sears Electrolux dishwasher was not working * there was no model number on it- at all. Service people refused to guess at parts, told me it would be much cheaper to buy a new machine!
Forward a few months, I find my exact machine on FB Marketplace. It really a Frigidaire model. They own Electrolux, mine has to be an early prototype.
Picked up the (new looking/condition) for $35. Replaced the gaskets/baskets and front door myself. Works just like brand new.
Plus I now have the model number to order anything I may need in the future.
$475 in parts, not including cost of service calls, for $35.
Just a few weeks away from my Got out of There date and my 4 year anniversary in a great small town.
When I got here I was underweight, not sleeping, crying, panicked, terrified, unsure of everything except that I had finally gotten out. I had no steady job, no monetary support from XAss and was terrified that I would not be able to take care of myself, much less my kid. I celebrated my 50th birthday alone that winter, drinking margaritas and binge watching Kill Bill movies.
Since then I now have a permanent position doing a job I love with potential to advance. I have leave, retirement and health benefits – something I’ve never had before. I am renting a beautiful, clean, warm apartment that I can afford. My health has improved, though with happiness comes gains in pant sizes – which is incentive to exercise more too! I have friends and things to do. My son sees a happy, calm and confident woman.
While I don’t have a man in my life. Its taken me these years to learn a lot about myself and why I allowed myself to be disrespected and devalued for so long.
I’ve come to like and respect myself. I have been doing things he said I could never do. I put food in my own freezers with my own effort. I pay my bills and have no debt. I live on my own terms, not his.
A friend who first knew me just before the marriage imploded recently said to me, “I so respect and admire you. When I first met you, you were going through so much. But you stated your goals. And by God you went out and did everything you said you would do. I am proud of you.”
While I had the solid fact of knowing that I have done so, hearing that from her was like hearing a big solid Buddhist bell ringing in a level of enlightenment obtained.
Thank you Chump Nation and the Powers that Be. You were a huge help in getting to the Land of Meh.
It has been 11 years for me. I kicked him out on D day and was legally out of the marriage in less than three months. In the process, I put the marital home up for sale. Within four months of D day, I was single, had sold the marital home, and I purchased my own new home. I went NC.
I threw myself into my business and had huge success. I decorated and landscaped my new home myself. I kept moving forward for the next three years until something unfortunate happened. I was diagnosed with aggressive rheumatoid arthritis and it really knocked my socks off. In spite of all of the new medications, I eventually had to go on disability.
But this isn’t a sad story. I would gladly take this disease and the pain it causes over unknowingly being married to a serial cheater. I’m happy and I’m content. I know where my money is and I’m in total control over how it is spent. I value the people who are in my life and I know they belong there. I’m way beyond “meh” with respect to my ex and I don’t feel sorry for myself.
I think that going through the hideous discovery of infidelity and then having to start a new life in middle age was much more difficult than fighting this disease! In spite of it, I’m actually thriving and I think it’s because I know the worst thing that ever happened to me was done to me by the man I loved and married and I survived it.
My hat goes off to all on this forum to those who have faced this and who have moved forward, determined to have the best life possible.
Reading all the stories of you mighty chumps, to me, is like looking at the top of Mount Everest from the base of the mountain! I cannot fathom how you did all these amazing things! I also cannot share any stories of mightiness with you. (I tried to be mighty–ran my second half marathon last week–even slower than my previous one (last spring) and had to walk a few miles of the race due to threat of injury–disappointing as I trained (weight training and cardio) several hours per day for months.) Still unemployed, sleeping alone on the floor of apartment I share with my kids and a roommate. Still depressed/numb although my last partner (guy I thought was my friend of 30 years who left me to marry young work subordinate) left for the last and final time over two years ago. Getting older and fatter. I don’t mind the getting wrinkled and fatter very much, but I am not happy about the getting wrinkled and not so firm affecting my prospects in employment and dating, which I have given up. I am doing my best to embrace permanent celibacy although I have always longed to be in a healthy, loving marriage. Due to some weird laws regarding teachers’ pensions in my state and social security, it looks as though I will lose social security and have only a tiny pension of a few hundred dollars per month. I wonder how I am going to manage in old age as a partnerless person without savings…Poverty is scary. I am trying to accept it.
My life, especially since my husband left several years ago has been ‘unmighty,’ but I’ve learned some things and a tiny bit proud of myself for my frugality. I’ve learned that I can live buying virtually nothing. I am slowly ‘getting over’ my pride and fear of ‘not keeping up with the Joneses (my friends and exes, who are VPs, senior researchers, rock stars who do amazing things and have big, beautiful houses)’ and just admitting that I may need to work at a minimum wage job for the rest of my life (from my current age, mid-fifties, to the end to merely survive). I am embarrassed about not being wealthier, even middle class, and unaccomplished (did not finish my PhD and most likely never will, never bought a house and will never be able to, have not raised super-successful, super-happy kids–one of mine has special needs, not a super-athlete/artist/whatever–feel like the failure certain relatives and most of my exes have told me I am).
After reading a boatload of ‘mighty’ stories, I finally ‘got over myself’ and my fear of rejection and embarrassment of being unaccomplished and quite likely dying unaccomplished and applied to over a dozen jobs. (Applying to this many jobs is a lot of work for me as my history, which is very disjointed and includes many short-lived jobs, and depression makes the job search process very slow and difficult.) I realize that for most of you, application for a dozen jobs, would not be a big accomplishment, it would probably just be a tiny task that you barely noticed in going about being mighty, but for me, it is. No matter what, I’ve got to feed the kids. I created them. Their care is my (and my ex-husband’s) responsibility. And I want them to be healthy and happy.
Is anyone on this site trying through minimum wage, to support a family (which includes a couple of kids)? If so, I would love to know how you do it.
RockStarWife, I have found a couple of sites on Reddit to be very helpful. Reddit Personal finance and Reddit poverty finance have helped me navigate my current strapped for cash situation.
You are so much more than your money or even your lack of money. Money does not define your worth.
Good Luck to you dear RockStarWife.
RockStarWife, I forgot to recommend another Reddit site; Reddit frugal. I hope one of these sites proves helpful to you. Living in scarcity and lack is terrifying especially if you’ve no experience with being poor. You are an intelligent woman, you got this! You truly do.
RockStarWife, that is all kinds of awesome! I am still living with the cheater, so many, many steps behind you, but I still find positives every day to keep me moving forward. I will admit that the financial side is what kept me in the loop of fuckedupness for so long (not married, but we co-own a house) am still afraid to be in debt if I just up and leave now (well I cannot, that too will take time in itself).
After surviving a month of abuse, gaslighting, marriage counseling, and be treated like his personal hooker/read pick me dance, I have fought depression, anxiety, tingling sensations, irretractable belching, and a massive eczema outbreak. I have created my own brand of mighty, mediated him out of the house, and for majority custody of the kids, redone my bedroom so that he’s not “there”, fixed many of the repairs he was too lazy or cheap to deal with, got a new job in fact working 3 clients so I have the ability to pay legal bills that have no end in sight, and still manage to carpool my children to school and their weekly dance class. Not super enthusiastic about the dating pool but not ready yet either. I also did some maintenance on myself but that was for me, including personal intensive counseling.
I stood up for myself. I’ve learned to say no!
That is huge. Good for you, kudos!
I’m almost 8 months out from DDay, 1 month out from mediation (which I’m glad is over but I know I didn’t fare well on the financial side) and waiting til after Dec 1st when the divorce will be final. We were on the rocks, headed for divorce but he chose to cap it off by cheating on me, in my home with a friend I had taken in to help her in her time of need. They’re still here in the neighborhood and I have the pleasure of seeing her pretty often. Him, I see when necessary and other than that, I’m NC and GR as much as possible. In the beginning, HE did all the tie cutting, NC/GR to me and I was a mess. He had just left me, I was wanting to salvage our communication if at all possible and I was super hurt that he could just turn on me like he did. Thanks to CL/CN I have seen the light, how I’m not alone and all of you have gone thru something similar. Now, I can’t stand the thought of having to communicate with him, even about our child. I will avoid him as much as possible and feel much more Mighty than before when I was in a sobbing, insecure, scared, weak curled up ball of a mess for months.
I have pulled myself out of the depths with help of family/friends, medicine for depression, therapy but mostly I think it has been that time has gone by and I know for sure what has helped the MOST, has totally been this page with all you wonderful women/men!
Some of my Mighty I feel would be:
*Being able to feel somewhat of Meh, going NC/GR and kind of having no feeling when I see him. I’m working on not flaring when I see Her but I am not going to feed her any drama.
*My son and I have a great time when we’re together, the life stress from before has way calmed down.
*I’ve started reading
*My money situation is better without him spending and not contributing enough
*My experience is helping me help others with theirs. I’m guiding 3 women thru divorce/separation right now with insight and empathy
*I can say No
*I’m not feeling guilty anymore about him, our marriage, my contributions or any of the mental guilt things that were being played on me.
Yes, we all bring to the table, but his cold turn, Their betrayal…….why should *I* feel guilty anymore……and I don’t.
*I lost friends but know that the ones I sill have, have gotten, are the ones I want to keep around
*He’s not bringing me down and not sucking the fun out of everything anymore. I Know I’m better off. And it shows with how the aura in the house feels and by the relationship with my child.
*I’m laughing all the time now!
And while I know I have a ways to go on several things, I know I’ll get there. I was just thinking today that when the divorce papers come in, will I feel a twinge of sadness, will I be upset? I feel the answer is No. I want this to be done where before I so very much wanted to hold on. MIGHTY I feel!
I love you all for your Mighty stories, for sharing your faults, love, respect, stories, feelings on here. It helps ALL of us.
Wonderful! And the very best Strength and Happiness to you.
I have been separated and living alone for 1.5 years. Our home has been for sale for 4 months with 4 offers which fell through as they were all way below the value of the house. I went to the bank and have secured a loan to buy my ex’s half of the house and get a legal separation document. We were never married and in my Province in Canada there are not many laws on the books for common-law relationship break ups. This works in my favour as he has not asked for any of my retirement funds. If he did I would be paying him $30,000.00. So he cheats and I have to pay him to end relationship. Sigh. He has agreed to my offer.
I heard the term here “my smart me knows the truth but my heart me wants it not to be true. I am almost no contact and as soon as the documents are signed. It will be no contact. He left his affair partner as she was also married and wants to stay together, is all talk no action. After 26 years together and knowing he was cheating for 20 of them, there is no way I will trust him.
I’m starting another new chapter as home owner of our family home and I am renting two of my bedrooms to foreign students. It will help with finances and give me company. Now I feel I have a future. Before this I felt old, ugly and worthless.
Don’t give up keep moving forward one small step at a time.
Wow fellow Chumps, what stories of mightiness!
Last week the 10 year anti-versary of the final D-day– the day I walked away from fuckwit forever–came and went. I didn’t dwell on it or feel much of a need to mark it–it just occurred to me on Saturday, “hey, this is it–it has been 10 years!” And then: Meh!
I live in my own pretty house that I bought, had the roof replaced, and painted inside and out, so it is just how I like it. I have a garden that gives me joy, two sweet cats, and a bicycle on which I’ve ridden many, many miles.
My heart goes out to all of you still only a few weeks or months or years into it. It gets SO MUCH better!
My mighty is my hard-won happiness and peace–and I wish the same to all of you!
Newbie here, not falling for the bullshit anymore, 12 years on, 8 post DDay one (no idea how many since or if the latest signings onto dating and hook up websites will lead to anything, who cares), what a chump! Who has found her mighty by reading LACGAL and lots of the posts and blogs on here. Not married, after first marriage failure decided no more of that crud…two almost adult kids (which are thankfully not from this fucked up relationship)…post 2 years counselling to get out of the anxiety hole (he is an abusive dick besides the cheating)…came out in the open that I was planning to leave when we can sell the house (am I making a mistake, should I cut my losses like I wanted back in January?) next year. Feeling emotionally foggy and all over the place even though I was set on moving on and have partly…
Nexangelus, I’m wanting to know the rest of the story. Please continue with your letter. I’d like to know what happened to the rest of your post! I frequently make mistakes posting here. Double posts. Incomplete responses. I hope you will post again.
That is my complete and muddled first post Thirtythreeyearsachump! Apologies, the foggy brain is still with me. My mighty is that I am still getting physically stronger despite all the emotional upheaval (I am a strength athlete in my spare time).
Nexangelus, thank you for responding to my query. I’m glad you have moved on. I do not think leaving an abusive dick is something you will ever regret. Leaving him will only improve your life. As far as leaving your house, remember that “Some money is too damn expensive.”
Good Luck to you. I can highly recommend investing in a good therapist. It took me several tries to find a therapist. Now I am getting to the root causes of why I tolerated abuse for decades.
I am finally feeling as if the mental fog is lifting. It has been six months since I left and filed for divorce. Being physically separated from the mind fuckery has been mentally liberating. I can think clearly now. Before the anxiety of dealing with his constant bullshit muddled my mind.
You can do this!