Do you have any tips on how I can hurt him to the core?
We were together 10 years. No kids. He cheated. I left straight away. We didn’t even talk about the details of the affair. I mostly felt anger and disgust. I moved to a different city. Cut off all mutual friends. I read a lot of books (including yours) trying to get over that loser.
Now, almost 18 months later he’s back. With ‘true remorse’. Apparently he’s been in therapy this whole time to become a better person. He dumped the OW immediately after I found out. So basically he spent 18 months healing, and working on himself, becoming a better person to win me back. (I know: puke).
There is no way I want him back. I’m finally realising that I wasn’t that happy with him. Single life is kinda great. Maybe he has changed, maybe he hasn’t, but I have certainly changed and I don’t want a cheater (non-negotiable). I don’t love him anymore. But it keeps me awake at night. I want to hurt him the way he has hurt me. I’m thinking of faking reconciliation and then dumping him in a cruel way. I want to rip his heart out. Any other tips???
Cruelty and heart-ripping are not what meh look like, NoChump. That’s what I’m Still Hung Up On My Ex looks like. We aren’t about revenge here at Chump Lady — we’re about gaining a life (free of indictments and jail time).
Sounds like you got a pretty good start with your “kinda great” single life. So why turn back for a loser?
Revenge is a very common chump fantasy, that somehow you can inflict as much hurt on the cheater as they inflicted on you. Chump revenge is predicated on a very flawed assumption — THEN the cheater will GET IT. Then they’ll realize HOW MUCH THEY HURT ME!
Yes, the heavens will part and sunlight will refract through the cheater’s bitter tears to bounce rainbows of repentance everywhere. With a heavy heart, he’ll lament, “I am broken! Just the way I broke NoChump! How could I’ve been so SO so very CRUEL? This is my fate! Rejection is all I deserve! sob, sob, sob…”
What’s our flawed assumption here, chumps? Trick question — there are a couple.
a.) That this is an insight problem. Only by feeling this pain, (by being treated the way HE treated you) will he understand the gravity of betrayal.
The cheater doesn’t have an insight problem, he has an I don’t-give-a-shit problem.
He KNEW cheating on you would hurt you and he did it anyway. You want him to have a revelation that cheating hurts. (HA! YOU CHOKE ON THE HUMILIATION FOR ONCE, MOTHERFUCKER!) His pain will only register as HIS pain.
He’s not going to connect the dots that he hurt you first. He’s going to see this as one more way in which you suck, and he was right to abuse you, because you deserve it.
b.) That there is a heart in there to break. Similar to the first point, you assume he’s sorry and it keeps you up at night. So what if he’s sorry? If in fact, cheating is your deal breaker, then you should know your mind. Nothing more to engage with. It’s done. Kaput. Fini.
You want to circle back, why? Either cheating is a deal breaker for you, or it’s not.
It’s just as likely that he’s not one bit sorry, he just needs something. (No consequences? Where are you on that divorce?) There is no heart there, the mindfuck channel just got flipped to charm and self-pity.
You assume you could break this heart. (It’s had therapy!) I doubt it. It’s more likely he’s got several mindfuck channels going at once. He’s the Nielson box in every home in America. You’re plan B, or Q, or Z. Stay tuned.
Taking him back for the purpose of dumping him, NoChump, is a really dumb idea. Let me count the dumb.
1.) You’re bullshitting us. It’s really the hopium talking. I’m going to eat this ONE cookie just to PROVE that cookies have no power over me! WATCH ME EAT THIS SNICKERDOODLE! Nom, nom, nom! I rebuke you, cookie! Do you doubt my powers? I will eat another! HAH!
Hopium says “He’s changed! I won the pick me dance!” Spackle says, “We gotta dress this shit up.”
2.) You’re risking your health. Reconciliation, fake or otherwise, comes with sex. Don’t trust where that thing has been. Get tested.
3.) You’re risking your mental health. Sanity is a precious thing. Don’t throw it overboard for a chance with a cheater. It took a lot to get you to leave, why put yourself through that meat grinder again? Oh right, because you’re so strong that you… stay up all night plotting revenge scenarios. #winning
The best revenge is meh.
Deny the fucker kibbles and get on with your life. If you want to hurt him, I promise your silence hurts him, and consequences will make him lose his ever-living mind. Exact your revenge at once. Go no contact.
This one ran before.