I am really struggling to cope with the end of my marriage because my partner has been unfaithful.
My wife and I are gay. We have been together for 9 years and got married 6 years ago. My wife was really in love with me, and over the years would say I was the best thing that ever happened to her.
When we met, she was financially struggling and after dating for about a year, I asked her to move in with me rent free; (she did pay for groceries and bills). She did her master’s degree a couple of years later and I was happy to support her while she studied, by doing all of the housework, grocery shopping etc.
My feelings for her deepened and when she proposed, I was so happy to accept and become her wife. I too was in love, although it had taken me a little longer for these feelings to develop than it had for her.
Our relationship was fun and loving, and following our beautiful marriage, we agreed that I would sell my apartment and we would buy a house together. We did so 4 years ago and we made the house a gorgeous home for ourselves and our beloved cats.
Things seemed fantastic. We were financially comfortable and took many trips away with friends and as a couple.
She did say to me that she found it difficult when I was stressed due to work pressure (I do suffer from anxiety) and I admit that instead of trying to seek help for that, I carried on and let our downtime together be the cure for those feelings of being overwhelmed at work. She too wasn’t perfect; she was often controlling, but no person or marriage is perfect, we just accept one another for the humans we are.
Last year, my wife told me that she had a new boss and as time went by, they deleloped a strong friendship. My wife would talk about her a lot and one day she came home from work and said that her boss had given an amazing presentation and commanded the entire room of people. I knew then that not only did she admire her, she was attracted to this confident person. I asked her whether she had a crush on her, as we were always open about this sort of thing and I believe crushes are completely healthy. She got defensive and denied it. She didn’t speak about her as much after that.
One evening I came home from work and noticed my wife looked sad. She opened up and said she wasn’t happy and had “developed deep feelings” for her boss, who is married to a man. She said they shared a taxi home after a Christmas night out and had held hands on the journey home, while under the influence of a lot of alcohol.
She said she had considered leaving me but was afraid I wouldn’t be able to cope with this breakup. I was devastated and felt I had been punched in the stomach. There were no warning signs and I thought everything was normal. I was very calm however and after listening to her telling me about her feelings, I asked whether we could try couple’s counselling and she agreed.
We gave counselling a really good try over the space of a number of months. My wife didn’t really open up however and I felt she was perhaps holding back. I remember her saying to the counsellor that she wished I had more confidence in myself. To me, she was comparing me to her uber-confident boss.
We finished our conselling sessions. My wife told me she felt so much better and her feelings for her boss had gone away. She said she only wanted to be with me and I had nothing to worry about. We went on a number of trips away together and we were regularly having sex. We had a wonderful trip in July and she told me when we returned home that she felt she had fallen in love with me all over again.
From time to time, she would tell me her boss had said she was unhappy with her marriage and wanted to leave her husband. I felt a bit insecure by this, but my wife kept assuring me that she wanted to be with me and again, had nothing to be worried about.
We celebrated our anniversay in August and in the card she got for me, she listed 10 things she loved about me and said she was happier than ever and was looking forward to another wonderful year ahead with me. A week later, on another drunken work night out, they kissed.
My wife admitted this to me a couple of weeks later and said our marriage was over. That devastating news was 2 months ago. I have since been off work with the shock and have been seeing a counsellor. I immediately moved out to stay with my parents when she confessed what had happened, as she said she needed space. She will be moving out of our home in a couple of days (day after my birthday), and I will move back there while we decide what to do with the house.
My wife and her boss have disposed of their marriages to be together. I am truly grieving and feel like a loser and a fool. I have lost weight and can’t sleep.
I don’t think this new relationship will last but either way, my wife doesn’t want to be in our marriage and blamed the reason on the fact that I was suffering from anxiety and letting work get me down.
I feel truly gutted and lost right now. 9 years of a relationship which I feel was mostly very happy and fun, just put in the bin. My family and our mutual friends cannot believe this and her own sister thinks my wife is not in her right state of mind.
Any advice you can give me would be gracefully received.
I’ve been doing this Chump Lady gig for awhile, and I filter letters through my cheater bullshit lens. You think you’re telling me your relationship history, and I’m doing this mental checklist. ✔Chump. ✔Chump. ✔Chump…
✔ When we met, she was financially struggling and after dating for about a year, I asked her to move in with me rent free
It’s not a relationship of equals and you’re a nice mark.
✔ I was happy to support her while she studied, by doing all of the housework, grocery shopping etc.
Classic rookie chump mistake — lopsided giving with the assumption they’d do the same for you. (But that situation never materializes.)
✔ I too was in love, although it had taken me a little longer for these feelings to develop than it had for her.
You were love bombed.
✔ we agreed that I would sell my apartment and we would buy a house together
By which you took a pre-marital asset (your home) and now have a joint marital asset (your house) of which she’s now legally entitled to half. I.e., you’re fucked. Talk to a lawyer. (BTDT, have the legal bills.)
✔ One evening I came home from work and noticed my wife looked sad. She opened up and said she wasn’t happy and had “developed deep feelings” for her boss, who is married to a man.
Sad sausage channel mindfuck. She’s not inappropriately attached to her boss, you fail to appreciate her ennui.
✔ She said she had considered leaving me but was afraid I wouldn’t be able to cope with this breakup.
Pick me dance goading. The affair is already in full bloom. This isn’t holding hands in a taxi.
✔ I remember her saying to the counsellor that she wished I had more confidence in myself. To me, she was comparing me to her uber-confident boss.
She wishes? Yeah, and I wish you weren’t fucking your boss. People in hell want a cool drink of water.
✔ My wife told me she felt so much better and her feelings for her boss had gone away. She said she only wanted to be with me
Intermittent rewards. You won the pick-me-dance! In the fuckwit Thunderdome, you are VICTORIOUS!
✔ we were regularly having sex
Cake is glorious.
✔ From time to time, she would tell me her boss had said she was unhappy with her marriage
Pick me dance goading again. Did you think you won? No. The point is cake — both of you competing for the fabulousness of a fuckwit.
✔ I felt a bit insecure by this, but my wife kept assuring me that she wanted to be with me and again, had nothing to be worried about.
Riiight. That’s why she brought up her affair partner’s case of the Sadz — to reassure you.
✔ she listed 10 things she loved
In her back pocket were the 1,437 Reasons You Drove Her to Cheat.
✔ My wife admitted this to me a couple of weeks later and said our marriage was over.
It was over when she started fucking her boss, and you were the last to know.
✔ My wife and her boss have disposed of their marriages to be together.
Must’ve been one hell of a drunken kiss.
All the newbie advice that is on this blog — first and foremost is LAWYER UP and realize she is NOT your friend and she does NOT have your best interests at heart. Protect yourself.
Stop talking to her sister about her mental state, or focus any of your energies on untangling the skein. (That ball of fucked up isn’t going anywhere. You can untangle later. Or do something more improving like scrape gum off your shoe.)
This person wasn’t worthy of you. And as I wrote yesterday, it takes awhile for the heart to catch up to the head. While that’s happening, you need to navigate yourself toward safety — all the adult stuff, protecting your finances, your credit, your stuff. And most of all your heart. You protect that with NO CONTACT. (But do consider reaching out to the boss’s chump husband. And deposing HR if settlement talks stall.)
Then, you rebuild.
I’m going to leave it here, with this wonderful comment left on the CL Facebook page on yesterday’s post, by “Liz.”
In my experience there is a direct correlation between how quickly this happens and how busy you get building your new life and digging yourself out of the hole.
I got busy. Not as a way of avoidance but because I recognised that to get where I wanted to be I needed to put in the yards to get there.
And it takes massive amounts of radical acceptance of your situation. Not engaging in the “not fair/this isn’t where I should be/why me/if only” thinking. Radically accepting all the injustice and knowing that no amount of wishful thinking will change it. Accept that and you’re half way there.
Then it’s just graft. Graft that makes you feel proud of yourself. And the focus is totally and 100% on YOU. Not him, not her, but YOU.
And somehow you get rewarded for that with a reciprocal energy that does not include him or her and you think less and less of them because for the first time in eleventy million years YOU are your focus.
Then six months, 13 months, three years have passed and you think of them as nothing but someone you used to know.