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More Stupid Shit Cheaters Say

I know I have a page for this, but why hasn’t Stupid Shit Cheaters Say been a Friday Challenge?

The time has come.

When I started this place, I naively thought I would catalog the crazy. More naively, I thought I would draw it. I had no idea I would get literally thousands of submissions, or that every blog post would be some recitation of Stupid Shit Cheater Say.

So much Stupid.

Why is this? Well, when you have a trusting chump, bullshitters get lazy. They’ll say any implausible thing, and thrill to get away with it. I was sleeping in my car and couldn’t answer the phone. That wasn’t sex, that was Bible study…

But I think the best bullshit happens after they’re busted. Now we’ve got master level mindfuckery born of panic. Some of my all-time favorites include:

“She was just my confidante. At the gym.”

“I didn’t cheat on you. I cheated on your idea that I would cheat on you.”

“I wasn’t buying strippers. I was buying self-esteem. (comic pause) You spend money on things you don’t need, too.”

Your challenge today is to share your SSCS. No regurgitations of word vomit, no essays — I want pure distilled wackadoodle. Your polished gems of crazy.

Bring it.


Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • Ok, here goes…

      “You’re my best friend.”

      “The only problem was that I was always having to leave.” (The only problem with the affair relationship, that is).

      “I’ve always been attracted to Asian women but never acted on it because my parents wouldn’T have approved.”

      “We had sex twice.” (No, not him and the cheating accomplice. Me and him…over the course of a 27 year relationship).

      “I became a person I didn’t like because of this relationship.” (Referring to our marriage, not his affair).

      “She found out because of all those books you bought!” (mad at me because our daughter knows he had an affair.

      “She’s kind.” (the cheating accomplice who helped him blow up our family and doesn’t care if she hurt me or our daughter or anyone).

      There’s so much more, but those are some of the lulu’s….

      • re: your comment about only having sex twice in a 27 year marriage… do you mean you and your spouse only had sex together twice in 27 years? What excuses / reasons were offered? I’m asking because I am in a very platonic, sexless marriage.

        • Dazed-mine turned that way. He couldn’t get it up except for porn. I tried to be understanding. He said, “I just don’t like conventional sex. But it’s ok. I love you.” I had become so turned off by his porn -weird-ass porn that isn’t fun to act out but we had so many years together that I somehow convinced myself that I, too, didn’t like sex. And lived with this cognitive dissonance for years. And I didn’t let myself go. I aged, but I am a fit 125 pound 50 something year old. He got up to 235 pounds. But…it turns out, I have ugly feet. So that was hard for him. That was the reason he gave as we broke up. My feet are ugly.

          • Wow… Feet? Really??? I have not caught mine with porn (in several years). I am happy for you that you have kept yourself in shape. Unfortunately, I threw in the towel and had lost all hope, because, why bother? He didn’t / couldn’t love me when I was lean and toned, so…? Yes I see the flaws in my logic.
            My husband’s excuse (last time we discussed it) was that I didn’t keep the laundry folded and sometimes dinner (home cooked, meat + three) was late.

            • Ugly feet and messy laundry—these poor men. Well, in addition to my ugly feet, I also am incapable of folding towels, sheets or shirts neatly. And dinner was always chaotic. : )

              • Socks were not in order, House was a mess( that pissed me off big time- raising 3 kids with no help and going full time to school while mr. amazing was away on business egh egh sextrips?!??)
                I wasn’t attractive enough ( while pregnant… he insisted on expanding our family ASAP)
                I had post pregnant body( no kidding Sherlock ????️‍♀️)
                I wasn’t smelling “ right” down there ( oh the countless visits to GYN to solve my issue.. in reality, that’s what happens when your h fucks every available whore without s condom and then have sex with u…. I’m ????even thinking of that)
                All bs.

            • Wow, How has the human species lasted nearly a million years? Without ‘properly’ folded towels and sheets?

            • I walked too heavy. I’m only 5’ 2”! But I was told repeatedly that he could hear me walking. It made too much noise.
              I actually tried to change, to walk in a more quiet way! ????Now I just laugh, OMG I was so worried what a nutcase thought! I’ll stomp all over the place if I want to!
              This is the game I fell for, anyone one else, too? They make you WORRY about every trait you have, the things that give you a personality! I think they want a robot they can program. And I tried to go along with it!
              I’m reclaiming all that I am, everything that makes me- me! Such a liberating feeling.

              • Oh yes!! My toes were too crooked, my hair was too short, I was either too fat or too thin, my neck was wrinkled, I had peach fuzz on my face, I wasn’t athletic enough, I was an underachiever (I got him through school and paid for his pilot certifications and worked the entire 41 years we were married), I was OCD….. I could write a book of my faults as he saw them. The best was when I found out about his Philippine whore he said she appreciated what he did for her and I never had. Fuck him!!!!!

              • Omg.. you were walking too loudly… ????????????????
                I wasn’t greeting him at the door ????no joke … but it was perfectly ok to sit in his ass while I was coming home from the grocery store, dragging 100 bags with me…
                Unless we had guests… in that case- he would be helping like no other man could

          • Mine said I had ugly feet also. I really don’t! Mine also couldn’t get it up. Only once the affair started did he consider Viagra. When I noticed they were disappearing, well, he said he sold them to the guys at the gas station!

        • I know exactly my marriage was insane at the end. It was all lies and BS he didn’t want sex with me just everyone else!????

        • My ex refused to have sex with me the last 7 years of our 8 year marriage. It was hardly ever discussed.

          After our daughter was born I tried being affectionate and he pushed me away and told me I needed to be nicer to him for that to happen. One other time I brought it up, how I felt unloved etc..He replied “Do you ever wonder why?” said in the meanest way possible. But I never actually got an answer.

          I always assumed he had a madonna complex or something like that. So I gave him space to figure it out, but he never figured it out and blamed me. I’m pretty sure it was because he was cheating on me the whole time. Once I caught him grooming his hair down there and I asked him why he was grooming when he never had sex with me! He replied it was just good hygiene.

          Man, when I think back on stuff it’s no wonder why I felt I was going insane. Nothing he said ever made sense.

          • CC-Yep, we’ve been there. The things we tell ourselves. They say love makes you blind. But it’s actually the desperate attempt to find love in a cesspool that makes us blind.

          • Narcissists and or sociopaths will be very sexual at the beginning of the relationship and then once they hook you, poof no more sex. Quite common for the disordered. Not sure if it is to make you feel frustrated, ugly, inadequate or unworthy or they are actually repulsed by being intimate. Maybe both. (Yes some want it all the time with you and everyone else, that is another disorder. ) This can go on for some time but they will eventually find someone else this you can count on.

            • Oh my… exactly… they will withhold the sex, blame us, request more, and still not give any… carrot ???? in front of my nose was always moving… I just feel bad that I EVER doubted myself, my beauty, my feminine side…I’m getting that back

              • Proof that homewreckers are what I like to call “cheaterbait.” Because, who needs that shit? Walking too loudly? Can you imagine how he will tire of the next one and the next one after her? His whims are paramount. And you are free, thanks to cheaterbait.

            • KB22

              I have now heard this story of no sex a lot and it has brought me great relief to know I wasn’t the only one experiencing this. Very healing indeed.

              What I figured was that after kids he simply replaced me as being a mother appliance into being a surrogate mother appliance. Voila I had another child via immaculate conception and full grown.

              Sorry to say it took me years and years to figure this one out. Hopium is a very strong drug!!!

            • I keep hoping to find a similar situation in here. My 3x (i know of) serial cheater, husband of 14 years, didn’t put me down during our marriage, he said he loved my body and we had sex a lot, right up til D-day. He complemented me all the time, was helpful, a hard worker, very financially successful…He did complain i want nice enough to him when we got in fights and he was extremely moody. He would pick fights and give me the silent treatment and often not engage with my family when they visited. He did the gaslighting at the end but never tried to blame me once be got caught, for affairs. He said he is flawed and doesn’t deserve me and never did. He says he deserves to be with this OW cause they’re the same, both cheated before this time. He said i should know when i see them together he’s not as happy as he was with me and that i should know he’s with just what he deserves. It’s like total mind fuckery.

      • Sex twice in 27 years is revisionist history.
        The last ten were the barren wasteland…a combination of his secret double sex life, my anger, his refusal to communicate/problem solve about said anger, his unspoken anger….the list of factors goes on….but having affairs and refusing to communicate and problem solve definitely kills any sex life. To be fair, my current homework is classic Chump Lady…..why was that OK with ME? I just figured it was a problem to keep working on and we would break through to each other, but the discovery of the affairs explained a LOT about why we were no longer intimate and problems weren’t getting resolved.

        And still, I did not cheat. I did waste a lot of time and money in therapy with him.

        • VH

          Not related to this thread but the recommendation for the book
          “Moving Beyond the 12 Steps”

          Yep, her findings concur with what I have deduced over the years and others in my 12 step circle see it too. Some of her stuff is a bit out there but that’s okay. She does hit on many good and clarifying points. (Please note I have not read the book cover to cover – hit and miss on topics that I have found relevant.)

          I know many years ago when I would sit in meetings I would marvel that so many people in AA avoided Al-Anon like the plague. More are crossing over now and dealing with their relationship issues and the literature in Al-Anon does reflect the new ‘discoveries’ that have been made since the publication of the BB. I think treatment centers have helped a lot in that regards and also have informed spouses and families in regards to narcissistic behavior.

          The old standard of staying with the abuser has changed yet it does still linger. I notice it especially with older Al-Anon women – using the program against themselves and thus remaining chumps to abusive husbands.

          Thanks again for the pointer.

      • @ Velvet Hammer
        I too got we only had sex twice. During a 4 yr affair. I laughed in his face, it was sooo funny.

    • “I believe in monogamy when you’re with the right person”.

      “Smoopsie said she wouldn’t have cheated with me if you’d been her friend”.

      “It’s not your fault I cheated but it’s your fault I wanted to”

      “I really need to forgive myself so I can move on”

      “I won’t let cheating define me.”

      “Don’t judge me. You’re not perfect either.”

      “If God didn’t want us (ow) to be together why did he put us together? This is a God thing.”

      (FYI- you can’t cure stupid!)

  • As an aside, I’m trying to figure out how to redo this page on a new site. Maybe a rotator with SSCS? (I couldn’t possible draw it all). Does anyone even land on that page any more? It’s got over 900 comments! It’s insane.

    I’m open to ideas, folks.

    • my 2 cents:
      It helped to have a page of some universal SSCS (“ILYBNILWY” for example) – because it help light shine on the shadows of my marriage….

      It also helped to brainstorm for posts like this; to look back on the marriage with this new understanding and share. Then of course, start to see all the similar BS.

      It provided an opportunity to apply a new personal wisdom and start to comprehend what was really going on.

      • “I wouldn’t have met her and cheated on you with her if you didn’t make me take the train!” After I suggested he take the train to work to save wear, tear and insurance payments on his 10 year old car. And I could purchase discounted train vouchers for him at work.

    • So much stupid, and so much belief:

      “I wasn’t cheating on you. There was only S&M games; we never had intercourse.”
      “I slept with her because you refused to have sex with me before your cancer surgery, and I felt rejected.”
      “I know I was lying when I said she was gone while she was in the next room. But I WANTED it to be true.”

      • “I was thinking of you so I used a rubber….” said my ex when he was busted!

        • When I found out I asked (a day later) did you always use protection? He said we did in the beginning but then I didn’t think it mattered since I has a vasectomy. Uhhhh didn’t matter to who. Also “she” was one of many- just the one who wrote me a letter and blew his cover!

          • Another gem. I asked do you love her? He said I thought I did but I could never love someone who could write you a letter like that! Good to know he has such high standards! And the worse thing she did was write- not cheat! Also what about what he did? SSCS!

            CL is right. They get stupider when you add being busted and the scramble to cover/blame ensues!

        • Ive been told this exactly too!OMG! Like they think they are doing us a favor? LMAO!

      • Susan, I am so, so sorry you had to hear these shining examples of SSCS. But if laughter is the best medicine, you just about cured me with these. Dear lord.

      • One of his stupid lines:

        “I felt like you were just servicing me.” (This came shortly after cancer diagnosis, complete hysterectomy, chemo, and to top it all off a good dose of radiation.)

        “You would really like her.”

        “Trust me.”

        “I’m tired of being the bad guy.” (Said after he left us all.)

    • Please write a book with your fantastic cartons of a “Year of SSCS” or even one of those “quote” of the day rip-off calendars!!!!! It would have been nice to have during my first year of hell–to be able to smile, perhaps laugh, and realize more quickly that these guys are very uncreative and are actually the same swamp monster. It would be perfect as part of a care package for those that have recently acquired their chump tiara.

      My creature from the black lagoon is still trying to torture me, but through your insights, I now know I have the superpower and wear my cape with pride!

        • ugh, just reminded me

          him: We didnt have sex — she wont have sex with me because i was married.

          me: A meth head with morals, how rare

        • Oh my this reminds me of another one:

          “We haven’t had sex yet. We are in the courting stage.”

        • THAT is what I have been thinking of/wishing for in the 2+ yrs since Dday – a calendar with the “daily thought” being yet another piece of SSCS.

          Let’s do it CL!! You don’t have to do that many drawings, some can just be typographic.

      • Yes great idea!!!! It’s a gold mine Tracy! Not just money but the publicity of being a chump.

        “Maybe after all of this is over we can talk to each other like human beings. Maybe then we can be friends”

        “I did. For a while” when I confronted him about how he told me that he cut contact but I found out he was lying. He was still seeing her.

        • Omg !
          “ that wasn’t cam girls! That was just porn. You don’t know anything about porn.”

        • “I just stopped caring about our relationship”

          (2 weeks prior, he was trying to get our parents together to meet because we were on the engagement path)

          “we didn’t have sex. But we were…iNtImAtE”

          “I was lonely and she was just there”

          He ended up getting another girl pregnant before our relationship was over.
          I’m not to Meh yet, but I know I’m much, much better off.

      • Or how about a line of greeting cards? Or a journal for chumps? You are so talented that you have so many possibilities for your creativity. Turn SSCS into farce and take their power away.

        Example of how SSCS can boomerang:
        March 3, 2017, last time Ex & I talked face-to-face, screaming tirade after HoWorker refused to leave MY house, while moving in her furniture (divorce wasn’t final, but I had gone through a year of constant torture from them but was completely grey rock with her):

        Ex: “HoWorker and I only lie to you”
        Me: WTF? I almost laughed out loud! I backed up, caught my breath and knew I was emotionally free and left.

        I used his words to gain my freedom and haven’t looked back, even though:

        1. He’s emailed me a photo of our first home while he knew I was on vacation;
        2. Sent me a Christmas card wishing me “Happy Holidays”;
        3. Continues to play games with my support (makes check out to QOA–I don’t even know what that is); and
        4. His heinous divorce attorney keeps sending my attorney harassing letters, last time were two this July while I’m on vacation with my son (ignore!)–one containing a quarter because he owes me 25% of his salary over a certain amount.

        GREY ROCK is the best–it’s bugging the sh*t out of him. He took me back to court this March and had the audacity to greet me with a huge “Hello”–felt so good to just walk by with no tinge in my heart. He even wore a wedding ring (they weren’t married yet). I’ve taken my power back.

    • Maybe organize all the excellent SSCS examples under an interactive SSCS image wheel with 6 segments matching “A Narcissist’s Prayer”?

      That didn’t happen.
      And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
      And it if was, that’s not a big deal.
      And if it is, that’s not my fault.
      And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
      And if I did
      You deserved it.

        • Love it! A daily SSCS calendar would be a great tool to help the newly chumped realize how mundane SSCS really is. Help to put the cheater and their BS into context. SSCS crosses all socioeconomic, religious, ethnic, nationality, gender/sexual orientation boundaries yet is eerily uniform. SSCS follows common themes. Each month of the year could be dedicated to a SSCS universal theme.
          January = Gaslighting
          February = Blameshifting
          March = Rewriting History
          April = DARVO
          May = Justification
          June = Entitlement
          July = I has a Sadz
          August = Hoovering
          September = Twue Luuuv
          October = Minimization
          November = False Equivalencies
          December = Timing of Devalue/Discard (illness, pregnancy, death, financial challenges, retirement, career transitions, and kitchen remodels 🙂

    • I caught my ex wife having phone sex with her lover. She swore up and down that she didn’t touch herself while doing this. I then find a naked picture of her, touching herself that she sent to the same affair partner..

      Another time she got caught having sex, she claimed they never had an orgasm. They stopped before that point….so she technically only “smoked but didn’t inhale”

      Looking back, I don’t know why I put up with such nonsense. Life is better now

    • SSCS…I’ve got a boatload! On D day when I caught him with the ow, who I instinctively labeled the Crack whore/Troll (hey, if the shoe fits…wear it!) he told me “I’m in love with someone else…I’m in love with Melissa”. Chumpy me laughed (hence the label “blindsided”) I had not a clue. Then he goes on to say “I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to find out like this”. This is after, mind you, we had just had a normal dinner together and he was just going out to get a six pack. He then proceeded to say he was not coming home, he was getting a room and left with the crack whore/troll and I drove home alone in disbelief that this is the culmination of our 32 year marriage.
      But, back to SSCS…after his “I’m so sorry…I was drunk..I didn’t mean that” and lame attempt at reconciliation he said he still saw her, but she was “just a friend”…”she’s actually a Tom boy”….I’ve never known anyone who knew so much about sports, even a guy”! When told him it was a dealbreaker if he continued to see her…”but if things don’t work out with us, then I’ve lost a really good friend”! (Do you fucking believe that one? Here’s another…”I want you in my life, but you know this is baby steps for me.” “I care deeply about you…I still love you, but you know it hurts. That was a painful time and I just don’t want to keep talking about it” (Tell me about pain when you don’t come home nights and don’t call or answer the phone asshole) Then there is the classic…”You’ll go to heaven..I’ll go to hell” Well at least he fucking got that one right!

    • “But if it doesn’t work out with us then I’ve lost a really good friend”….WTF!

    • When I found the women’s stuff all over our house, the weekend I was supposed to be away and plans were cancelled last minute … when confronted my cheater just said … “you are wrong and I’m not going to even bother explaining because you will ALWAYS believe your own narrative!” WTF?

    • “How could you think I would choose someone not wonderful to meet our children… “ “ OW has carefully planned how to introduce our children to our new home” 6 weeks after d-day… I instructed lawyers and a child psychologist and roll on 18 months of them fighting physically and mentally and she has never met my children… idiots

        • “In another time I could have forced you to move to Alaska.”

          “OW says you haven’t been a good wife to me for years…” (Who said that?? HER??? OMG!)

          Now I feel my BP rising again. F- that

          • Cheater quotes:
            “Can I at least have the paella pan?”

            When I (mistakenly) asked what he saw in the other woman: “She had soft hair.”

            “I’m an addict. You’re either with me or against me”

            • I got that too. I asked about her and nothing back but physical. “I like the way she kisses”. “I like her skin.” “I like the way she touches me, how we touch each other.” . Oh and they bonded over craft beer and music.

    • “I know how nice you are and that younwould never hurt the kids. So I will get a place so I can date and I will come over when I have time.”
      Like an idiot I waited a year to file. When I did, however, I had already taken steps to protect myself and I fought hard for myself and my children. His new line became, “I used to think you were nice, now I see your true colors.”
      Moron thought nice meant stupid. Could not understand that we went to partners to having an adversarial relationship when he started having sex at work.

      • Here’s some gems:

        1. (cue patronizing tone; said a couple weeks after discovery and I made him move out) “I know you’re hurt and don’t like me very much right now, but I hope day we can be good friends.”

        2. To my kids about the OW: “she’s a really good person.”

        3. After I gave him two weeks to move out after discovery: “I was hoping I could live here for about 5 months so I can get my finances together.”

        **Chump Lady, we should also do a “Stupid Shit OW Do/Say.**

        • after finding out about his lovely coworker and their relationship:
          ‘i always seem to just keep doing the same thing all the time!!’
          ‘if u would let me stay in the spare room 4 awhile to get myself together, i’m asking you for the time to get my head together n work on my health’

          after finding out about another lovely coworker that he was sexting:
          ‘you’re my only friend. i don’t have anybody to talk to!’

          after finding out that he was texting/sexting a former affair partner from before we met, and asking why he was in touch with her:
          ‘i want to hurt her.’

          after talking about his latest ‘friend’/coworker relationship:
          ‘i can’t promise i won’t do this again’.

          okay, BYE BYE!

        • Oh yes, did you make the mistake of contacting the OW? I did that. And I got all sorts of crazy ass shit from her like, “This is hard for us. I only ask that you give him the space to figure out what he needs. That is what I”m doing.” Says the affair partner who lives in England (we live in California). He traveled a lot for work. So did she. But she was so sweet in how she was willing to give my husband the space to figure things out while she vacationed with her husband and young son. Then I reacted so selfishly. I told her she was a sociopathic, morally bereft piece of shit. (I “raged” myself out of eloquent vocabulary midway through the text.) She texted my husband, “Your wife was mean to me. I feel very nervous that she might hurt me.”

        • Yes, stupid meets stupid. The best I got from the OW was,”He won’t cheat on ME!”

          • The Limited: You’ll never guess how I met her! He said this with such glee as if I was his mother and he’d found ‘the one’.

            She was indeed the one; I’d had enough.
            Penniless, ugly, and all I hear is how dumb she is from adult children. Love the justice of it all.

        • OW- “I don’t know why you talk shit about me, I haven’t done anything to you.”
          They are deluded.

          • Ha, Susan, what I now hear is that he won’t allow her to say negative things about me to others.

            Now that’s a switch, she only knows what he said about me to get her to fuck him. Too funny.

        • I didn’t hear this because I don’t interact with her at all but my daughter says she said “In this life you should seize what you want and be happy, just don’t hurt others when you do it”.

      • “Dating sites are just social media.”
        “I didn’t cheat on you with her because I didn’t like her.” But apparently enough to have sex!

      • Oh yeah, I’ve been told a few times now that my true colors are showing. Um yeah, I want a fair amount for child support so if that’s showing my true colors so be it. He already showed his true colors when he confessed to living a double life for 1 year and cheating on me with his married coworker!

    • Does this fall into the new agey “We have a spiritual contract and have agreed we will always find each other and experience everything together and someday move on to the next plane of existence” storybook?

      New agers also use that one as leverage with young APs to get affairs started. That and the stuff about always choosing joy in the moment because that’s how all the great Buddhists achieve their nirvana and that’s the core meaning of life, so anyone who doesn’t agree is asking you to live less than your best life.

      Surprisingly effective. Intangibles provide vast opportunity to manipulate a vulnerable person.

      • Yes and they get the green light from bloggers like that crazy woman who met her true love in a snack booth at a county fair…and they left their partners to run off together and start their own cannabis farm. Chump Lady wrote a UBT about one of her blogs. (I then researched her and found out about her “farming job” myself).

    • On D-Day, when my sister-in-law asked to use his phone and he obligingly handed to her. As she scrolled through his phone, her eyes got bigger and bigger. We were staying with her, and when Cheater went to visit “a friend from high school,” she followed. When she came home, she told me what was going on. He came home, and SIL held out her hand for his phone, which he handed to her. (Shocked me — the phone was never unattended.”

      “Does your wife know you went to visit your girlfriend today?”
      No response from him, but my jaw dropped to my knees.

      Then she showed me the texts. Years worth of flirty, increasingly sexy texts from his high school GF.

      “I haven’t done anything wrong. I haven’t even seen her in 40 years!”

      “I just saw you at her house,” SIL countered. “And she was hugging and kissing on you on the front stoop.”

      Cheater turns to me and says, “Who are you going to believe? Your HUSBAND or some bitch you don’t even know.”

      Despite my shock, I managed to blurt out, “I’m gonna believe my sister-in-law, because she has my back. You don’t.”

      After months of cancer treatment — surgery, radiation, chemo, — and dozens of doctor’s appointments, lab draws, physical therapy, etc, Cheater is having a tantrum because “You never do anything for me. When was the last time you did something just for me?” Uh — your sister and her family showed up for Thanksgiving weekend about the same time I was getting home from the hospital after my last surgery — and YOU disappeared leaving me to find and prepare the sleeping arrangements, plan and cook dinner, and socialize with them for hours. “I thought you LIKED my sister.”

      After I left him — because I wasn’t OK with the affair — he told everyone we knew I “left because she couldn’t live on a boat.” No, as swipe. I loved living on the boat. It was living with YOU I couldn’t abide.

      • I got the “You never do anything for me… you’re not interested in me.” speech s few times. The last time I heard it, I had mentally prepared an extensive list to ramble off of the things I did for him. I also gave him several examples of when I had reached out for him (when he was seldom around), and he had rejected me.

        His response:
        “But you never do things for me that you DONT WANT to do!!!!”

        I gave him an example of just a few days prior I had indeed done something for him he knew I did not like doing.

        He dropped all that and now just tells everyone I was never interested in him. Well, he would have had to have been home for me to have been able to show that.

        Ps. I also got
        “You spend way too much time with the kids!!!”

        Well, again, he wasn’t around, so someone (me) had to make up the difference.

  • Me-“I filed for divorce.”
    Him-“why would you do that?”
    Me:”you told me you are sleeping with another woman. You are having an affair.”
    Him:”So what. Are you trying to shame her!”

    Yeah, he said that.

    • And my personal favorite…

      “We are best friends, we will always be a family and be great coparents. We are still going to celebrate the holidays together.”

      My lawyer and I quickly showed him what consequences are…

  • I’m afraid she’ll stab me if I break things off…I wish I was lying.????

    • OMG…..I got the “She will have me killed if I dump her” and when I laughed in his face, the milder “She is really vindictive, she’ll harm my business and my reputation.” Typical narc fuckwit – as if whoring doesn’t harm his reputation….lmao……

      Also, “Trust me, I wouldn’t harm you.” – coming from a pathological liar, cheater, abusive manipulator, and a vindictive backstabber. I couldn’t help but laugh and he actually looked confused like he couldn’t understand the absurdity of that statement or my reaction.

      • oh yes, years after i divorced him because he was cheating with the neighborhood crack head party troll, i heard that also “she will have me killed” or “her kids will kill me” (which was partially true because her kids are as ghetto and hateful as she is. she has 3 boys and 1 girl, all 3 of her boys are in and out of jail.oldest is 24 years has been in prison for the past 3 years. the next son is 19 and currently back in jail for probation violation and illegal firearms, the third son is 15 currently on house arrest with a ankle bracelet and has been for the past 2 years, the girl is the youngest and she is 14, the most stable except for her sailor mouth but then again she has always lived with her dad since troll mom left her when she was 2 *although still married)

        and then when they officially broke up (had been off and on for the past 3 years *we have been divorced for 5) last year, he tried to tell me she had a contract to kill him and he was getting shot at whenever he walked down the streets. i dont know (and dont really care) if that is true. i think he is just paranoid. but who knows. that is what you get when you cheat on a good woman with a street rat.

      • Mine was SHOCKED that I gave him 48 hrs to do all possible STDs tests after I found out about his hooker / cheating habits
        “ but I was careful”
        “ did u give or receive oral”
        “ well.. yes to both” ( u dumb ass you can get std that way)
        “ we’re you using conforms every single time”?
        “ well, no, but they were clean” ( u can’t know that just by looking at them you idiot!!)

        After forcing him to take home hiv test ( I couldn’t wait even a day for a blood test at the docs office) with a good result, he looked at me triumphantly and said smiling
        “ I told u I was careful, nothing to worry about”

        Believe it or not, this guy has( double )PhD,
        Just unbelievable

      • I don’t know why this nested so far down, I meant it as a comment for Tracie above!

  • “You love being upset about things, it’s the way you have fun”

    I got this anytime I had to confront him on something he’d done wrong.

      • Nope – I got “I love you as a person” and when I tried to ask if it was ILUBINILWY he said through clenched teeth with shark eyes “it means what it means”.

        • I am not quite as far along as most of you in my journey, however when I asked him why he can’t be physically or emotionally intimate with me (married nearly 25 years at that point), he replied that he just can’t love me that way.

            • Oh he is DEFINITELY a narcissist / exhibits narcissistic tendencies. I absolutely can not find any evidence of adultery or porn usage. If I did, I would promptly terminate the marriage.

              • Those don’t have to be the only reasons to terminate a marriage.

                If he can’t be physically or emotionally intimate with you what is the point?

              • I wasted years of my life waiting for “evidence”. Turns out he was cheating all along. He was just must smarter than most about hiding it.

                I now realize I didn’t need a “proper reason” to leave. His behavior was enough. I stayed not because I didn’t have the evidence or reason but because I was scared to leave.

                You don’t need permission to leave. Relationships like this never get better.

        • From my last partner (post-separation boyfriend, not abusive ex-husband), when last partner discarded me the first time, one year into the intimate phase of our relationship, I got, ‘I love you as a friend.’ What a strange response, considering that we had been what I thought had been friends for nearly 30 years before we became a couple. I didn’t know that ‘just friends’ got intimate with each other.

    • Got that one too, “I still love you, just not in love with you.”

      Also, “I don’t get the right kind of affection from you.” Mind you we had sex that morning, left the house holding hands and walking downtown for a date on the night that he didn’t return home with me and instead brought his AP to our house and started drunk-sex on the couch just 4-5 min after I talked with both of them.

  • “You will never know how much I love you!”

    Yeah because nothing says love like getting screened for STDs!

    I would hate to see what he’d do if he hated me!


    • Bizarre comments from the exes! Right before discarding me the second (final) time, my last partner held my hand as we walked near the beach. At discard at his home he said, ‘I don’t see you in my future.’ Half an hour later, as I was getting into my car, he said, ‘I love you.’ Next day he told me, ‘You can hang around me, but no lovey dovey!’ (For a guy who is considereI am still mystified by this relationship–with an executive well into middle age!

      • Part of last message was deleted:
        Bizarre comments from the exes! Right before discarding me the second (final) time, my last partner held my hand as we walked near the beach. At discard at his home he said, ‘I don’t see you in my future.’ Half an hour later, as I was getting into my car, he said, ‘I love you.’ Next day he told me, ‘You can hang around me, but no lovey dovey!’ (For a guy who is considered humble Mr. Nice Guy, who sure is full of himself.) I am still mystified by this relationship–with an executive well into middle age!

  • I wasn’t going to leave you.
    It didn’t mean anything.
    I don’t think about it.
    It was only once.
    All men do it.
    She was always happy.
    Will you share me.
    I would like to thank chump lady and the people who share their experiences itd been a great help.

    • “If I said I was sorry that would be like admitting you’re right”
      This not about the cheating….he still pretends that doesn’t exist. Good thing there is plenty of proof.

  • “The best thing I can do for our daughters is to be happy. This makes me happy.”

    • I got this as well…it’s just another bullshit attempt at justifying their actions.

      • Me too. Ha ha amazing. More succinctly mine was ‘She deserves to see my happy and see a healthy relationship being modelled to her’. What the actual….

        • I got this too. He said he was giving the kids a gift by leaving to be with his girlfriend who was 20 years younger, and marry her. He was going to show the kids what a healthy relationship looks like, and a real loving marriage looks like. Except buddy, the kids know you cheated on their mom, with your howorker. So what you taught them was dad can’t be trusted, possibly impacting the kids future relationships. I realized I had been married to a complete moron. And narcissist.

          • What’s worse is I think he believes it. I suppose you have to or the guilt would kill you. I also got ‘kids are resiliant’ Just as well hey..

      • I just “FILED” for divorce and served the “DOUCHE” bag at work after almost 25 years I was not tolerating “INFEDELITY”!????

    • Yes. She bought her happiness with everyone else’s happiness.

      That’s the ticket. The solution to your unhappiness is to destroy your entire family and their happiness.

      I am struck by the irony of how angry the word “happy” makes me when bantered about in the infidelity dialogue….

      • My Ex’s greatest stupidity was thinking that he actually COULD buy his own happiness by abandoning our marriage and his kids. He’d never been happy more than a few months at a time (new job or new relationship) in his life, was a miserable person most of the time. Surprise! It didn’t work.

        I, on the other hand, recognize that my happiness is built within my important relationships, including w/ my romantic partner and kids.

      • My Ex’s greatest stupidity was thinking that he actually COULD buy his own happiness by abandoning our marriage and his kids. He’d never been happy more than a few months at a time (new job or new relationship) in his life, was a miserable person most of the time. Surprise! AP did not magically change his character and miserableness.

        I, on the other hand, recognize that my happiness is built within my important relationships, including w/ my romantic partner and kids.

    • When I asked her why she spent 30 minutes in our 13-year old daughter’s room on New Years Eve (she was sexting a Marine stationed overseas):

      “I had a panic attack after filling out a grocery delivery order and just needed to be alone.”

    • Oh yes, mine said that, too. But not to me. To our daughters. Later. When he introduced them to the woman with whom he betrayed me-betrayed us. He somehow conveyed to them that meeting her must be a secret because I didn’t want him to be happy.

      • my narc daughter (who takes after her narc sperm donor not the man i married/divorced that she never met until she was 14 when he was supposedly dying of cancer and he sat there are watched her cry her eyes out but ended up being just a lie.) loves to tell anybody who will listen (and currently her narc sperm donor) that her mom (me) dont want her to be happy..

        her exact words are “well my mom is so miserable she just cant stand to see me happy” and “my mom doesnt want me to be happy” . she has told so many people that and she doesnt understand why i dont want to met her friends or her new flavor of the month.

        it makes me laugh that people actually believe her sad sausage story how her mom just doesnt want her to be happy. i am super lucky that i have already dealt with enough shit sandwiches that her servings do not bother me too much. but i still hate to met her new boy toys and friends. and i still put up with too much of her toxic behavior so i can visit my grandkids. it is a lot harder to go no contact with your own kids.

  • Upon finding the OW’s shirt in my washing machine, I confronted Dracula again about “Are you having an affair?” He adamantly denied it, saying “Of course not!! On my last business trip, housekeeping at the hotel I was staying at must have forgotten to pick that up from the last guest, and I must have just scooped it up with my dirty clothes as I was packing up to come home”

    • oh jesus. you just reminded me of how i found 2 pairs of womans underwear after washing my sheets. when confronted he denied it, once saying that my nephews wife must have left them when she changed into the swimsuit to swim in our pool (totally possible).

      the second time he actually blamed it on my 16 year old son, saying it must be my son who was sneaking in girls and one of my son’s girlfriends must have left her panties. of course my son was still in the mindset that i was making his dad unhappy and always harping on him, so when i asked him my son just said, IDK probably. i was like son, i really need an answer. and again got “i dont know, its possible” so then i was like “are you having girls come over and have sex with” and “how can you not notice what her panties look like”. the son just got embarassed and ran off. .. ..

      i am still to this day not sure if my son did or did not have girls over for sex (i hope not and really cant see how but i guess he could make that happen) or if those panties were from wasband having sex in my bed. i believe more the last then the first. ironically my son will STILL not answer the question if i bring it up, which makes me think he is trying to protect my feelings or still trying to protect his dad or even just protect himself. i try not to put him in that position of choosing me or dad but i sure would love to know who fucking panties those were. either way both of them were in the wrong.

  • “I was too naive to know I was having an affair”

    When asked how he could keep sleeping with me while telling his Pet Vulture he was in love with her, he tells me (his wife of 26 years): “I thought of you as my Friend with Benefits”

    • And a Red Flag Moment after 26 years of marriage:

      Me: “I’m in love with you.”
      Him: “That’s wonderful.”

      • His justification for multiple affairs: “You stopped contributing financially to MY retirement dream” ah, yah dumbass when I gave up my career to raise the 2 children you wanted..what part of my retirement dream included you screwing all my friends and family members?! Just pure garbage and a disgrace to the human race.

      • I got this…

        Me: l love you.
        Cheater: There’s a nice sunset tonight.

    • Also “We didn’t sleep together” (meaning: “We didn’t fall asleep after we had sex”)

      Also “We have been trying to figure out how to get your blessing”

      Also “We always said, if ‘this’ (the affair) was all we could ever have, it would be better than nothing.”

    • And because they worked together in a church: “God wants us to be together”

      • “I was just helping Sister Margaret to discover if she had a real vocation.” (Caught him fucking the nun who lead our pre-cana classes.). First ex-husband.

        “It wasn’t cheating because it wasn’t sex. There was no possibility of procreation.” (Caught him fucking a priest.). Second ex-husband.

        “I was trying to be nice to her because she’s your sister.” First ex-husband, after fucking my sister.

    • And finally when ‘telling everyone the truth in a way that is respectful to us both’ about how and why we broke up (aka I kicked finally evicted him) he told them:

      ‘We decided mutually and amicably that we were just two trains on different tracks going in different directions”

      (Yeah right, his train was going into her caboose … )

      • That’s hilarious these guys are “TRASH” I have met someone new after 2 1/2 years of crying and he’s a great guy. I just won’t tolerate cheating!

    • “I would stay with you if we could casually date.”
      We were married 30 years.

      • i got something similar. “i never cheated on you because we were broken up at the time”
        We were separated but still married and “working” on our marriage
        P.S. this excuse did not work with me (probably the only excuse that didnt)

  • “The marriage had been over a long time before the affair even began” (That would have been good to know.)

        • Me too, from Cheater #1. Oh, thanks for letting me know.

          Actually, what this line really means is I told myself that the marriage was “over” which gave me permission to cheat on you.

          • yep, me too. of course AFTER i found out about his ghetto, sewer rat girlfriend.

            THAT is when he tells me “I thought our marriage was over.” and “I thought you didnt love me anymore”

            Oh ok. so you thought i didnt love you anymore and instead of divorcing me or trying to bring back the love into our marriage, you thought the best thing to do was stick your dick into the town crackhead.. … .. well ya, that would guarantee that our marriage was over. huh. Crazy thing is had i known any of this i would have only worked more harder to save my marriage and show him just how much i really did love him.. .. .. that was the hardest thing for me to accept — was accepting that he really and truly DID know how much i loved him but he just did not care. i could never think that way so it took me 2 years after my divorce to accept that fact.

            • Same words.
              I thought our marriage was over. I thought you didn’t love me any more.

              He refused to accept any “punishment” that suggested wrongdoing because “what did you expect would happen?”

              It took about 8 months of couples therapy for me to twist my brain into an obedient pretzel believing some version of that bullshit so I didn’t have to divorce him.

              I also had my own therapist who never questioned this process or my efforts to pick me dance sexually to “prove” my love to him.

              If I had known of chump lady and found LACGAL then, I would have not been able to rationalize all of this insane bullshit. I would have learned that what my husband was telling me was just stupid shit that cheaters say. Instead I paid two professionals to help me/my family, who did not tell me the truth:

              Our marriage was over and he didn’t love me.

              Instead, with their help, our reconciliation “worked” and 3 years later he did it again. This time he demanded an open marriage.

              So no, working through infidelity with my spouse did not strengthen my marriage, one of the lies I was told by the MC and IC.

              It only emboldened him to believe he was entitled to live a life of sexual license, with me to do all the adulting for him.

              It’s now been 3 years since separation, 2 since divorce and I still have so much disgust and resentment for him. His depravity is extreme. He has joined a BDSM community where he has orchestrated faux kidnappings and gang rapes of his girlfriends. Sharing 50/50 custody with a freak is torture.

              I have spent $40k trying to get custody or at least get him to keep his lifestyle to his non-parenting days but I have gotten nowhere. He is a lawyer who lies without shame and relishes the fight, so it’s been a waste of money and energy that I need for the kids.

              I am afraid to go to another therapist. The last one I tried to see said that my problem was me and not my ex, so I fired him. That therapist raged like a narc when I refused to see him again.

              Of course the problem is me, dumbass. I’m a chump and I picked a monster to father my children. But if you can’t help me navigate the never ending shit sandwich that sharing custody with a fuckwit entails, and help me heal from the very real trauma I have suffered, then I don’t see what the point is of me wasting my time and money on your help.

              I am so disappointed in myself right now. My meh seems so far off, I fear it will neve come.

              • Gorilla poop, you fired a fuckwit therapist. That is mighty. You can be proud of that. It took me multiple tries to find an earthbound angel as a therapist. She said to me “Adultery is abuse.” and my healing began. There is a competent therapist for you too.

                Forgive yourself. You are dealing with a horrific betrayal. You are doing the best you can in an intolerable situation. Be kind to little you. You need love and encouragement. Give that to yourself.

                Document, document, document. Keep any evidence you have of his depravities. He will eventually give you evidence that a judge will not be able to tolerate. If that freak exposes your children to any of his BDSM lifestyle call the police. Call the local news station. Call his boss. Call Family Services. Expose him.

                Do not give this freak any kibbles. Grey Rock him and his lifestyle. Respond with a big yawn, a gentle “Cool, bummer, wow.” and ignore him. I think he is delighting in the horror he generates. Grey rock that shit. You be all “Mmmmhmmmm. Another cliche BDSM rape party, how last year. Unoriginal. Boring.” Do not give him any attention. He doesn’t deserve anything from you.

    • Me too, except my version was explicitly phrased as reassurance: “I just want you to know that nothing happened with AP until our marriage was already over”. This was slightly undercut by the fact that we were still married when she said it.

      • Yes, I got the “Nothing happened until our marriage was over.” I was not aware our marriage was over. And the OW gets really pissed that I tell everyone she’s been screwing my husband. My favorite was when I ran into someone who didn’t know the situation who said, “OW is so happy that she’s found her forever person!” It was nice to see their face drop when I told them that OW’s forever person just happened to be my very legally married husband.

        He also told me he deserves to be happy. Tax time will make him very, very unhappy this year, because OW pushed for divorce to be final this year and he will be filing single no dependents on +150,000. My generous alimony and child support are not taxable. Actions have consequences.

        • That tax bill is ESPECIALLY delightful! My ex has a similar income, and was used to having me and six kids as dependents. I got back a sizable refund our first year apart, and he got back a huge bill that I know came out of left field for him. When they told me the number at mediation, I couldn’t help but laugh. That was a sweet moment — which I needed, because he made most of the other moments terrible. When they began asking to share kids as tax deductions, it was really powerful to know my 53% possession entitles me to 100% deduction, and to simply respond with, “no thanks.” No explanation, no bargaining, just no.

          • Isn’t it great when the legal system is on your side, and you can simply watch as they are forced to comply?

            I know the legal system doesn’t always work like this–in our favor–but after years of being browbeaten, and after his proposed settlement, which of course worked in his favor, I was so relieved to be able to simply tell him I wanted more, and that if he fought me on what I was asking for the judge would rule in my favor (I wouldn’t have asked if I hadn’t known this). I still let him get away with more than half the marital assets–a strategic decision allowing him a below market value on the house that freed me from having to continue to be married to him and deal with him while I, as usual, would oversee needed repairs before listing and selling–but when I made that demand for more of his pension, knowing I had the law behind me, I felt so very very mighty.

            • Oh. Domestic relations is awesome especially with kickass lawyer. I love that money is being pulled out and I can put money aside for our son finally and not have him spend it on himself. Love it.

              Love it when other important people show him what A wife and child are entitled too. Narc turd

        • I know exactly mine is paying spousal he went ballistic in court. The judge and his dad told him to get his pants zipped up and “PAY” up I was a stay at home mom for years which “HE” wanted then decided that he would change th game without letting me know of course!????????????????????????????

    • This is a cop out that is either a straight up lie or shows their cowardice in not speaking up. Either way it’s on them.

    • I got this line too. Okay, how about getting a divorce instead of screwing bar whores on the side? Nope, too much trouble and a lot less money for escapades.

  • “Kids are resilient. They’ll get over it.” And then poof! He moved 1500 miles away.

  • “She’s my work wife. She understands what I’m dealing with every day.”

  • “I wasn’t cheating on you, I fell asleep in a hotel lobby and shit myself.”

      • itdoesntchange

        OMG he said he “fell asleep in a hotel lobby and shit himself” And thought that was something

        ANYONE would want to hear???

        Wow, I salute today’s winner.

      • i got one better.. ..

        when i found the 3rd pair of woman panties (when we were separated but he lived with my 20 year old daughter) and i confronted him about them, sending him a picture of them. he told me 3 separate stories. 1st was that his sister did his laundry and those must be his sisters underwear. i shot this story down with they were too small for his plus size sister and even if they were his sister why would he put them under his pillow and not just take them over to her? 2nd was that he found them in the laundry room when he did his laundry. i used the same logic.

        so he final answer was that he DID find them in the laundry room but he kept them because he likes to put them on and wear them because they were small and pretty and he liked the way they feel.. … “ok, mrsvain, that is how sick i am. i like to wear girls panties.”

        that fool would rather have me think that he enjoyed wearing girl panties then fess up the truth that he fucked someone. not throwing shade on men who like to wear panties but after 14 years, i am pretty sure i would have had some kind of clue.

    • Gobshite XH : I ……..(sniff, snort – lip wobble) I just wanted …………(wait for it) (so original) I …….I just WANTED to be …………………LOVED…….WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH (snort, garble boo fucking boo)

      • him: “I .. .. just … wanted .. .. to be … a part… .. OF SOMETHING”…. …

        me: you were a part of this family, was that not enough

    • I heard a version of this one with exH#1. He shit himself, had to wear only his coveralls while he stopped at a laundromat and washed his jeans and underwear…they really believe we are that stupid…

    • I’m speechless. Who … what kind of person could even come up with that excuse?

    • Fucked up…..similar story. I came home early from a hunting trip without telling my cheating wife I was coming home. There was a party at a local place that we went to alot, it was an island themed party. Over the phone when she thought I was still in Nebraska she told me she was not going. This was the place where she met and fell in love with the other man. When I got home and “surprised” her she was washing her lady parts in sink with her island shirt on. I asked her what she was doing and she said that she shit herself and had to clean up. I asked her where he dirty drawers were and she said “right there”. It was a perfectly clean pair of panties on floor, no shit. She was washing up for him since I was supposed to be out of town. Fucking fuckwits!

    • What I am dying to know is why did he did he add “and I shit myself” to this alibi? Does this make falling asleep in the hotel lobby more believable? Was he trying to explain why he was freshly showered? Why he didn’t have any underwear or pants when he returned home?

      It just seems a little over the top. Just a little.

  • “I didn’t actually cheat on you. I call it, helping her with her college courses.”

    She’s 29, he’s 42, coworkers.
    Over 4000 text messages PER MONTH for 6 months. And, No, they weren’t about classes. ????

    And my personal fav…
    “You should be a GOOD HUMAN and tell her husband we didn’t actually have sex.”

  • Didn’t want to attend Father’s Day barbecue that we had for years because he said “my older man friend is having a birthday party for his granddaughter “. As I was almost in tears he said “ I’m late, have to go” .ran to his car & pulled away.

    • Also told me he slept on second floor of his male friends house cause when he called me in the morning to say he was ok.. too tired to drive home night before.. I asked “I thought you said you slept on his couch?” His answer was “ he had two living rooms.. another on second floor”. I believed him! Such a chump.

      • Oh yes when mine got caught out and lied about where he was he slept on the sofa fully clothed apparently.

      • These kisses are gratitude, for all that you have done for this family.

        We can still be (daughters) loving mum and dad.

        You can come round and have dinner.

        Love never dies

        Do you think you need therapy?

        Do you know what it’s like not to be seen?

        No, she doesn’t know anything about us, unless she has heard it from someone else at work.

        I could t have kept on, if I had things would not have ended this well and we would be in a very very dark place.

        The magic money tree is drying up.

        I feel the highs very high and the lows very low. MY life is very experiential.

        Honestly I could go on. Garbage the lot of it…..

    • Mine couldn’t come trick or treating because he had to clear the course for a Mnt bike race. Really!! What a great dad!! Then after he asked for the divorce he wasn’t around for father’s day either because he forgot and had to go to firefly concert. So I took our son son out for father’s day and plastered the day all over Facebook. Piece of shit dad! His hobbies and fuck’n bike club whore was more important than parenting.

      It’s the complete opposite now with his fake family. Which our son notices. It’s so fucked up

  • “I have done a lot of bad things, but regarding Schmoopie, I have nothing to be sorry for.”

    I recalled this line again and again when I was in the early stages of recovery. It was the end of hopium. He literally didn’t give a damn, and why should?

  • Ex: It will be you that determines a happy or bad divorce.
    Me: What?????
    Ex: Well if you let me come around for Birthdays, holidays, and vacations. Be family.
    Me: Sorry buddy. When you left and cheated it’s over. You can choose your actions, but not the consequences. I’m ???? DONE. Move on with your whore!!!!!!!!!

  • “Well, this is all YOUR fault for working so much. By the way….Jessica’s tuition is due tomorrow and don’t forget that I have my spa appointment on Saturday.”

    • I got: “Daughter’s tuition is due soon and I don’t have cash to pay it.” Left me scrambling, because he previously said he had it covered.

      Not long after he did find a way to make the payment. He took out a student loan and made me (not him) the guarantor…. without telling me about it. You can do that shit on line if you have someone”s personal information.

      I found out when bill collectors started calling for me, notifying me that this loan didn’t have a student deferral, and payments were 6 months past due. Bye-bye credit rating.

      • That’s identity theft, which is against the law, and if you review the family code in your state, likely violates that, as well. A judge can assign that debt to him, and it can be removed from your credit rating. You should be able to get the ball rolling by filing a case in civil court and/or in family court. It can be removed temporarily as a dispute under “debt belongs to my spouse” option on the online menu on your credit reports.

        • Unfortunately this happened during my sparkling days, which were before identity theft between spouses wasn’t the crime it is now. The person who would have been hurt the worst was my daughter, with my son starting college right behind her.

          Also, it wasn’t the worst of the financial abuse horror show. Whatziz name’s ability to spend money faster than it came in was legendary.

  • “I never would’ve cheated if you hadn’t treated me so bad.” Yeah, sure assmunch. “But I never would’ve had an affair if she hadn’t pursued me.” So, you’re completely blameless & it’s totally the fault of the females in your life, got it.

  • Said to me in a hushed whispery tone, like it was a wondrous secret: “We got together through Divine Intervention.”

    Citing religious justification hit a snag when I reminded him of the 7th Commandment concerning adultery.

    • Mine was committing adultery BECAUSE of religious justification. “She’s catholic, like me. And you’re not. I want my children to have a real relationship with God.”

  • “You’re just going to the doctor (for STI testing) to try to make me feel like I’m disgusting.”

    Me: blank, incredulous stare, then walking away.

    “Will you share the results with me?”

    • Their minds are all over the place. I constantly felt like I was getting whiplash, he was so all over the place.

      He once said, “You can keep the house and just pay me half of your 401k to keep it.” Then 15 seconds later he asked for a hug because he was “hurting”.

    • Mine said, “I don’t know why you got STD tested. She [the OW] has had fewer sexual partners total than you have.”

      Note: My reply was, “That isn’t how STDs work. And thanks for trying to slut-shame me when you are the one having an affair.”

      • Mine said I didn’t need STD testing either, after one of the latest D-Days when I found out that he was having unprotected sex with random guys from Craigslist, because he “only had sex with them one time each”.

    • I GOT THIS EXACT SAME EXCHANGE! Seriously, “you’re only going for STD screen to make me feel bad.”

  • Me – Can you please show me a tiny bit of respect and stop texting her all the time in my face I’m your wife for fuck sake

    Him – I can’t , I can’t breath i miss her every second of every day when I’m not with her

      • Why do they feel like they LOVE them so much? It must be a real feeing. Is it the ones that are extra delusional/given to fantastical thinking who are so fucking in love they can’t breathe?

          • karenb6702-I feel your pain and I get this sense even still sometimes–two years post D-Day. And the shame that goes with it, like why weren’t you enough but she is. But, you have to take a step back. How long was he with this OW while married to you, keeping it secret? What ended it? You finding out? Would they have kept it going in the background if you hadn’t? That isn’t how you treat someone you love. My guess is he doesn’t love either of you. He isn’t capable of it. That’s just not how loving people behave. Heal your heart. You have one -he doesn’t.

            • KarenB and MadKatie,
              I can relate. I think that my last partner really does love his new (second) wife and never loved me. Several of my former partners dumped me for the women they married and are still with decades later. Hard not to wonder, ‘What’s wrong with me?’

              • Good people don’t cheat, emotionally abuse, and lie to their partners. Your ex’s are not good men.

          • karenb6702

            I’m so sorry. It is heartbreaking, it sucks, and there are dark days. But look at these comments and remember what your Ex said–you are worth so much more than that. They have to make us feel bad because they possess such darkness inside. Give yourself time to be angry and cry–no other healthy way around grief but to go through it. You have feelings, they don’t and that’s why it hurts us Chumps. All these comments remind me that==Blowing out someone else’s candle doesn’t make yours shine any brighter.

            My ex just had a huge wedding (her first and she’s 52) in their barn on their new $700,000 farm, paid for with the giant buyout from the sale of my Ex’s company. And my children (20 & 22) were there to witness their father declaring his eternal love to his “twu luv”. Then I reframe and remind myself their father forced them to eat the biggest shit sandwich of their lives. And I will always be mom, cloaked in immense super powers. No one can take that or my future away.

            So…..she gets HIM–a liar. She thinks she’s special–she’s NOT!. People tell me he looks AWFUL–I trust that they suck. And their farm has 5 bedrooms and she has no children. So it’s just an empty shell. Their house, their facade and them. But don’t focus on them because you know he took his tortured demented soul with him when he took the garbage out. They may or may not make it. But you WILL make it and your candle will burn brighter than anything they cane imagine.

              • It might look like “love”, but what you’re describing is addiction. Cheaters get addicted to the high of duper’s delight. They think it’s love. Since they can’t feel real love, the major dopamine rush of new attraction is what they chase. Nothing else feels “right” to them.

                As for the rest of us Chumps… we all know… love = hard, unglamorous work. It’s cleaning up your kids’ puke when they have the flu at 3 AM on a work night. It’s hosting a sleepover for 5 giggly tweens all by yourself. It’s staying up until 1 AM to finish your kid’s costume for the school play and taking the last of the cupcakes out of the oven so they can take them to school the next day. It’s making sure the bills are paid and they have clean laundry. Real love smells like effort and self-discipline, which is why no Cheater will ever know what it really is to love.

          • Karen, no way. “I can’t breathe without her” is a silly statement made in a state of limerence, which is a lot of melodramatic, adolescent nonsense which stupid people like him claim is twu wuv. Limerence eventually ends and he will need a new person he “can’t breathe” without in order to get that high. Guaranteed. Love, OTOH, does not spontaneously combust. It is there for the long haul. He’s emotionally immature and not capable of it.

          • he does really love her.. .. .. for now.

            that is because his love is super shallow. like a mud puddle. there is no depth to his love as you unfortunately found out. it will burn out quickly.

        • The other person is not really a person but a drug. When they miss the fix, they can’t breathe. It’s very juvenile, I find.

        • No it’s not a real feeling. It’s based on a fantasy about who the AP is. They project onto the schmoopie qualities they don’t actually have. Afyer all, if she was such a wonderful person, she sure as hell wouldn’t be with a married guy. These cretins are incapable of genuine, reciprocal, mature love anyway. All they can experience is shallow infatuation. That’s one of the reasons why they cheat. They want the high they get from their childish crushes.

  • Me: “You exposed our unborn babies to diseases!”

    Idiot yells back: “My therapist said those didn’t count because I was nervous about fatherhood!”

    (2 very planned pregnancies)

  • x: I only stepped out on you when I was actively drinking.

    me: so for your son’s entire existence from prior to conception to when he tried to kill himself at 17.

    from the crap he left on his son’s laptop (a handme down that he gave to the kid which was left with me when the kid going to university)

    x to AM buddy: I’ve always enjoyed extra curriculars when we had periods apart.

    me looking at past history of his weird smirks: every military deployment before and after wedding, every pregnancy and recovery from childbirth, every weeknight whilst staying at a cheap apartment while going to university so he did not commute 3 to 4 hours daily (while I cared for two kids under 5 and worked full time), every business trip, and later all his trips of 8 to 12 weeks working offshore for the gas and oil industry.

    He used to make a joke about who was stupider? Him for marrying me or me for marrying him? Guess I won that contest hands down!

  • I spackled so much intelligence on a guy who is just basically a manipulative cheating liar.
    Stupid in thought word and deed.
    Thinking any idea he pulls out of his ass is a pronouncement from the pope. It’s tiresome and I can’t think of anything clever or anything shocking because everything he did was just aberrant under the guise of a normal mask.
    He was a buzz kill from day one and is still a buzz kill today.

      • him: “you will never let me live this down”

        After the first 100% for sure time i caught him cheating.
        i suspected many many many many other times but only caught him twice.
        the second time i divorced him.

  • Her: “If we get back together, I just need to tell you: I may screw up sometimes.”
    Me: “You mean you will cheat on me again?”
    Her: “If you want to label it that.”

  • I thought you would not care if I went out with her.
    She was always happy and fun.
    You cheated on me 30 years ago. (I never cheated)
    You are boring.
    She complimented me all the time.
    I never had sex with her so it was not a real affair.
    I felt unloved.
    And if we would ever get divorced we still would be friends. And I would still help you around the house.

    • @cuxchump:

      Were we married to the same cheater? I got almost the same lines from Cheater #2:

      What you didn’t know, won’t hurt you (variation on I thought you wouldn’t care)
      Nothing happened = I never had sex with her so it was not a real affair. Oh, I get it. Bill Clinton’s excuse!
      I felt unloved = you made me do it. Yep, I held a gun to your head (eye roll).

      • Oh, yes “what you don’t know won’t hurt you”. So why didn’t he at least use condoms to prevent me from “getting hurt” when I would invariably get an STD and find out? “That would make it cheating”. Apparently not using condoms showed that he wasn’t ”planning to cheat”. Only ”planning to cheat” is ACTUAL cheating. Having unprotected sex with random people and affair partners isn’t cheating when you don’t use a condom.
        Glad to know this. I guess if I just pick up whatever implement is handy and beat you to death with it isn’t actually murder. It’s only a crime if I planned what I was going to use? Maybe I will attempt this defense one day…

      • Cheater told me he only cheated when drunk. He started going to AA. Step 9 from AA is “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” Later, when I still believed he was a sincere person & I asked him to own up to instances of porn/infidelity, Cheater said: “I won’t tell you because it would hurt you.”

    • i got the “You got boring.” and i also got the “what you didnt know, wouldnt hurt you.” he would say that to my children all the time.

      similar lines were “I never cheated because we were broken up at the time.” (we were separated)
      “You went out to the bar and stayed out until 4 in the morning 10 years ago. why is it only bad when i do it”. He was doing it every weekend AND not coming home at all. plus he was fucking someone while out when i was just at my BFF house that he knew well. PLUS i would answer the phone each and every time he called while i was out and he would not. PLUS as soon as it started being a problem with our marriage i quit going out. he was doing this every single weekend, gone friday until late sunday afternoon, not a word as to where he was or what/who he was doing .. … .. but right why is it only bad when he does it.. … poor sad sausage.

  • Serious question. How can they say it with so much sincerity and why do we believe it???

    “He was my mentor, I deleted all those text messages to free up space on my phone”.

    I didn’t answer your call at 3:00AM in March “because I fell asleep in my car….”.

  • “My biggest fear is losing you.”
    “If you weren’t such a great person and we didn’t have such a great relationship, my decision would be easy.”
    “We talked about how we could just go back to our spouses.”
    “We talked about our love and affection for our spouses and how good we had it at home.” Um, I had just discovered you and her in a motel. BS.
    “Is everything ok? Is something wrong?” After I packed up all of his clothes and put it in the garage.
    “So it’s come to this has it? But you kicked ME out.” After I told him that I hated him.
    “I don’t know what I did wrong”. Told to mutual friends.

  • ‘I don’t want you coming to the house anymore,’ I told him after months of being visited once a week, during which time he would want to moan how unreasonable his AP’s husband was being about giving her a divorce.

    He raised his fist to me and shouted, ‘And I’ve been so kind to you!’ Then he walked to his car and drove away.

  • So much stupid – but this one was bad – “I would pray that either you or her(the ho) would die because I could not chose”.

  • “After breaking my foot and the surgery, I’ve been looking at my relationship, even the ones with my kids” It was a broken foot, you dumb ass, not a life-altering event. I just looked at him and thought, what the hell is wrong with you.

    • Haha–I just posted mine which started out with his life-altering torn Achilles. Who knew orthopedic issues were so enlightening. My knee arthritis resulting from an old ACL tear didn’t give me the same moment of truth our hubbies seemed to experience. Maybe because it was a slow-onset thing…

  • There are so, so many. What comes to mind first is this: I discovered a text message from the OW with whom my Ex had insisted for years that he had had only an emotional affair. The text message stated, in part, that all the OW wanted was to have my Ex’s arms wrapped around her and his body next to hers. When I confronted my Ex about the text and pointed out that his affair with the OW had obviously been more than emotional, he stated that the OW had always said that she liked to sit very close to him, and that is what she meant by her text, i.e., that she wanted to sit very close to him.

    I’m not even kidding.

  • During a three-way text conversation between me, Mr. Fantastic, and the OW’s baby daddy, in which the baby daddy was threatening to go to HR at Mr. Fantastic’s new job, Mr. Fantastic says “I’m not going to get into a debate about whether I’m the liar or he is.”

  • She’s still never admitted that her affair had anything to do with the demise of our marriage. Among her many, shifting explanations: “I loved you too much for too long and all the love just got used up.”

    Yeah, that’s not actually how love works. Good thing I’ve never passed this opinion of hers along to our kids.

  • In addition to the standard “I love you but I’m not in love with you”, she said “I don’t want somebody I can live with, I want somebody I can’t live without.”

    “He’s just like you if you had a wild side”.

    I guess I was too busy loving and taking care of my family.

    What an asshole.

    • I got that one too! I replied with “that’s why I thought WE got married”. Thought that was the commitment we made.

      He watched me bawling my eyes out, sat saying nothing, no emotion, then he lightly burped and said “excuse me.” Yep. Mr. manners through and through. Yes let’s say excuse me for a burp but not apologize for screwing another woman.

    • yep, i got the “she is just like you when i first met you”.. … you know before i had 5 kids and doing everything in the house and yard. paying all the bills (he would give me 300 a week to “help” out but God forbid if i forgot a bill and the water got shut off by mistake), doing all the child care and discipline. on top of dealing with his moody ass and constant stupidity, gaslighting, lies, manipulation.. ..

      i also got the “you would like her if you got to know her”.. .. . i could only say “i doubt it”

  • What surprised me is how unoriginal my stbx was. I got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and “I slept in my car because I was too drunk to drive home” lines. Also the “she’s just a friend” line.

  • “You lost me”
    yup- he beat me cheated on me committed financial fraud etc…. still struggling through a horrific divorce
    he wants to “give” me a 70/30 split- ha ha… of course 70% for him……. yup I lost him…..

  • “OW was traumatized, sexually. I’m helping her.”

    Wasn’t he just an altruistic gem? Can’t make this shit up.

  • I guess the nest one is: Well, you wouldn’t get over it so why not keep doing it? You didn’t believe me when I told you I had given up my nefarious ways (this after finding videos he’d made with multiple 3rd world women along with love emails and dating profiles).

  • I found them in my bed together (happy dday to me!) and as they are scrambling to put their clothes back on, ex says, “It’s not what it looks like!” OW adds, ” Nothing happened. ” WTF?

    • Maybe they were really just playing naked scrabble !!

      I’m so sorry you had to go through that xx

    • I honestly do not understand why these morons don’t just admit the truth. Especially when the reality of the situation is right in front of us.

  • “I want to show our kids what live looks like.” (Referring to his affair and NOT our marriage.)

  • “Those messages you found on my phone to a guy were by made my friends, their battery was flat, and another friends phone was broken”

    I believed! Then even wed it. £200K lost for 5 yr marriage.

    • I read a letter sent to my boyfriend/future husband from his “friend” who was in the Army and stationed in England. She wrote to him and said, “If you come visit me. We can spend the whole night together and have sex.” I read the letter while he was in England visiting her. When he got home, I did not mention reading the letter, but asked him about her. He said, “She’s just a friend.” He also went on to say she got married while he was there. To this day, I’m still not sure if that last part is true. Fast forward 20ish years and it’s post d-day. I told him that I read the letters from his Army “friend” and mentioned about what she said about sleeping with him. As I watched all the blood drain from his face, he said, “She probably said that because she was lonely.” Even when caught, he came up with yet another lie, but this time I no longer believed him. So yeah, even with a letter in my hand, I still stayed with him and then married him. We believe such stupid lies, because facing the truth is hard??? I will never understand why I didn’t trust what I was reading with my own two eyes.

  • I told the OW if you happen to get Parkinson’s like your father, then I’m staying with you.

    Um, no thanks.

  • We (meaning OW and him) like the same music and that is important. And then stupid shit OW say. She messaged me on Facebook messenger and asked if we (meaning her and I) could work on our relationship since she is going to be in my life.

    • Yep. I got the same music line. Seriously? By all means, don’t let me and the kids stand in your way. And when I tried to kick him out, he insisted “but I choose you.”


  • “You’re going to end up marrying some poor bastard who’ll cheat on you.” – My ex-fiancé, who cheated on me with five different women, trying to talk me out of leaving him

      • It still amazes me (even though it shouldn’t) how unoriginal and un-special my ex was – how much of his bullshit that really spun my head at the time is just the same tired crap out of the abusive partners’ playbook. Hugs and thank you for commenting.

  • I added some of his comments not related to his cheating that should have been red flags.

    “I slept in her guest room.”

    “If you weren’t so morally superior, I wouldn’t have cheated.”

    “”Why can’t you clean up my stuff without touching it?”

    “I wouldn’t have locked myself out of the house if you bought some Tupperware.”

    “I didn’t come home angry. You opened your mouth and made me want to hit you.”

    Why can’t you be more supportive of me?”

    You are incapable of having a reality based discussion.”

    • What happened with the Tupperware?? I’m sure it was weird and unreasonable, given his other gems quoted here, but I can’t quite connect the dots.

      • Well, long story short and solely in his mind, because I didn’t buy Tupperware he had to put his lunch sandwich in a baggie which led to his sandwich sliding around on a pile of notebooks he was carrying to work. It fell off said pile and he was so focused on picking up the sandwich that he forgot his keys…..he called me at work and yelled at me and fool that I was, I drove home and unlocked the door and listened to more verbal abuse.

        • Thank you for replying. What a bizarre train of thought just to blame you for his own mistake.

          My ex once informed me that if I hadn’t been talking to his mother at the time, he wouldn’t have gotten into an altercation with his brother. They get so used to blaming someone else that it gets ridiculous, especially once you have the distance and clarity to realize how much they’ve messed with your head.

          I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and I’m glad you’re free!

    • “I didn’t come home angry. You opened your mouth and made me want to hit you.”

      I got this crap too… He freaked out because I said I needed to talk to an attorney as current plan was he was going to help me “IF I behaved” for 2 years and we are doing this all through mediation. Me SAHM for past 16 yrs, 20 yrs married.

      Him screaming and pointing right in my face, me backing up and backing up until I was up against a door. Then he punched the door (hard!) right next to my head. Starts screaming at me –

      “Look what you did!”
      “You pissed me off on purpose!”
      “You broke my fucking hand you bitch!”

      • I’m so sorry you had to go through that!!! I know what it feels like to have a violent bastard for a husband – and then you get to hear how you “made” him do it. So glad you’re out of there!

        • I did get out, that one was the last straw that overtook my fear and made me mobilize. I did EMDR with an awesome therapist and it really, really helped me. When she first described and recommended it, I thought it sound hokey, but it really worked wonders for the nightmares and reliving the moments after little triggers.

          I hope you got away too!!

        • Ha, I have seen your comments and also noticed the similarities! I wish so badly that he was a completely unique, one-off human. It makes so so sad to learn how common these assholes are.

  • Me: Now that I think about it, you invited your women to our wedding!
    Him: It‘s my wedding too.
    Me: Why would you do that?
    Him: I was also invited to their weddings when they got married. It would be rude not to invite them also.

    • My XH invited the woman he dated before me to our wedding and…………I went along with it! I moved 650+ miles to live in his home state and within a month, he was going out for lunch and dinners with her. I was very upset about it and he said, “Everyone does this in college. She’s just a friend.” Now I see if for the triangulation it was. Her being at the wedding did not bother me at all, because he had me so convinced it was normal. My girlfriend was freaking out that she was there and she thought she came uninvited. I’m sure it was a Kibble Fest for the narc, lying cheater to have her there.

      • I really didn‘t mind that he invited his ex-girlfriend or his cousin. I am not the jealous type. I thought his ex just was an ex and the cousin was just his cousin. I did not know that at the time of our wedding (and also before and after), he was sexting with them regularly and meeting up on the side. A few years later he also started up with a friend that I also invited to the wedding. I don‘t even count my sister in this group because although she was invited to the weding, she turned him down when he came on to her.

  • I never should have married you. You trapped me (after having three kids we both wanted). I need to live my life and find myself. You depressed me and she makes me feel alive. And my favorite I hope after all of this you can see that we can be friends for our kids sake. I do love you and I always will as you have given me my greatest gifts (that I have custody of, that he sees minimally)

    • I got this too. ‘I never wanted this family. You tricked me into being a father.’

      The child was nearly 14

  • Me: “I think something’s going on with you and Studley Hungwell -my so called ‘friend’!”
    Her: “It’s only you’re imagination”!
    Me: (after trying to grasp this concept ) ” Do you think I would ever imagine you fucking my ‘ friend’ ? That’s an example of how totally warped you are!”
    Her: ” You’re not sophisticated enough to understand affairs!”
    Me: (after thinking a sec) ” Oh I’m not sophisticated enough to understand lying, decieving, backstabbing, cheating ?” Good.
    Me: ” You really believe lying is normal don’t you?”
    Her: “Only if I have a really good reason to lie!”
    Me: doesn’t that really justify ALL of your lies?”

    • wasband once told me that he lies to make himself look better. because he thought he was such a loser.. .

      *rolls eyes* yep, i was a fool and tried to make him feel better about himself. i was actually trying to convince him that he was NOT a loser.. .. .. . when they tell you who they are, listen.

  • I hope some day u can for give me

    I want u at every family birthday and holiday celebration concerning my side of the family

    I don’t believe in monogamy

    Maybe we could have an open relationship

    I would never cheat on u

    It was just a nobody a one-off

    When do u want to go to the court house and file? Will split the cost.

    Man. The channels, the story playing in his narc mind, centrality and entitlement.

    I told him he was a piece husband and father and told him to pay 500.00 to file.
    I laugh at him now because I really believe he is a piece of shit now.

  • “She can live with us. The kids will have two mothers and twice as much love. It will be good for them.”

    “You’ll always take care of me; it’s just what you do.”

    “Was I a good husband?” (jaw drop) “I think I was a good husband.”

    • Very familiar. X tried really hard to get OW neighbor into bed with me and him, Aaaargh! I kept telling him I hated her. She wanted my sons, too, because she had no kids.
      My god they are selfish!

  • “I’m a good person”

    My reply:

    “Good people don’t hurt their spouse. They don’t lie, cheat, break bones, and abandon their family”


    “Well, that’s YOUR opinion. No body else thinks I’m a bad person.”


    “Treat every body else the way you treat me for awhile and then re-evaluate.”

    • Same here. But ur response even better. I just didn’t want to engage because they see but they just disagree.

      Told my stbx you really think ur a nice guy who just made a mistake but ur not your really a bad person. His reply I disagree. I said of course you would. This will be another will agree to disagree again. I totally set him off and it felt good!

  • Some corkers from across the pond in Scotland:

    ‘I like her. She’s a nice person’ (oh wow I didn’t know screwing married men was considered nice these days)

    ‘ILYBINILWY’ (duh, who hasn’t been treated to that one right?!)

    ‘She’s not my mistress, we’re just friends’ (uh huh…do they actually believe that one themselves??)

    ‘Our marriage was crap/not working/over before I met her’ (shit I must’ve missed the memo?)


    ‘Ok we shared the same room (on holiday in Ibiza a week after he left home) but I didn’t shag her, it was twin beds’

    • It’s the law: You can’t have sex in anything less than a full bed. That’s why no one had any children in the 1950s.

      What a piece of work! You’re well shot of him.

      • Hahaha we all still laugh about those damn twin beds (it’s only been 3 months so the laughs are broken up with some angry tears too) but bloody hell, how stupid do they think we are??

  • I heard a version of this one with exH#1. He shit himself, had to wear only his coveralls while he stopped at a laundromat and washed his jeans and underwear…they really believe we are that stupid…

  • What fun!

    “ I can’t start a new life until I get rid of the old one”
    “ I should be able to retire . I ran the business for 20 years” ( after he blew $500 k out entire life savings in said failing business”

    I’m sure I’ll remember more….

    • Stbxh wanted to retire at 62.
      When I said I didn’t see that happening
      he was outraged I didn’t make it happen for him.

      • Omg mine was 54 and all of the retirement money was gone—spent on the failing business so no pension. They are truly delusional.

  • Oh bugger I forgot another gem:

    Called him after I woke up to pee around 3am and he’s not in bed/home…

    ‘Shit you just woke me up fuck I went for a walk (suffers from insomnia) and fell asleep on the bench in the park!’


  • “But she’s my friend!” After I told him he couldn’t ever speak to our friend the AP he gave up , again
    I should have run like my hair was on fire instead of wreckonciling for 4 years SMDH

  • Oh and “ you are bipolar “ ( both times he got caught cheating) by the way I’m not-/counsellor said I was just traumatized by the abuse. I love her.

  • Ex-husband: “Getting to know how her mind works is a joy.”
    Ex-husband: “Everyone is entitled to have zones of privacy. Mine is whatever I do on Facebook.”
    Ex-husband: “What’s the rush to divorce? It’s not as though we hate each other.” [I did hate him, though; nonetheless, I waited a year before filing because his business was doing well and the marital assets would therefore be larger when divided in half. He never did understand that…]
    Current boyf: “You’re too judgmental; that’s why I haven’t told you I’ve resumed watching porn.” [The agreement was that I’d not ask about his little “habit” because he would be forthright. And yes, I’m now trying to decide if it’s time to move on from this one too. Your thoughts, fellow chumps??]

    • Yup, mine said no rush to file for divorce as well. He wouldn’t leave the house and took vacations and weekends away with married coworker OW while I did all the work. He acted like he was doing me a favor. He said “we’ll always be a family” to which I replied “you will never be my family”. I find it hysterical that he feels “abandoned” by my family and friends who didn’t condone his horrible behaviour. In what world did he think that people who loved me would approve of his emotional abuse, lying, cheating, and stealing. The delusion is strong in many of these cheaters. They really believe they are so special and important that everything will go their way.

      • The Twat was stunned when I told him my family wanted nothing to do with him either. But then so was my sister’s ex-husband in Denmark – he figured he could still use family in England as a base when he was in England for work – despite the Russian mistress and draining off all their marital funds!

    • Neeeext him like yesterday! Do not date men who lie, hide, act in any way shady or contrary to your values, beliefs, and relationship boundaries, etc. It’s always just the tip of the iceberg that will eventually sink your ship. Just walk away. Better to be single than tolerate shady behavior.

      Remember that you get to define what your boundaries are, not him. Then you find a guy who simply fits in easily because….well….you share those values and those boundaries. They exist and you’ve got to believe that and seek that. Really better to be single than with a shady man.

    • Yup, time to move on, work on yourself and fix your picker because it’s still bad.

    • Wave bye-bye to the lying, blame-shifting POS. He still has his porn to keep him warm, so he’ll be fine.

    • Telling you that you are judgemental should be a red flag to you. Do you really want to be with a guy who uses porn? If the answer is ‘no’, then that is a boundary to you. He crossed over the boundary. Now it’s time for him to get the consequences of his decision. Only you can enforce your boundary.

    • Just wanted to thank all of you who weighed in about the current boyf. Yes, my picker isn’t great yet (though this guy came recommended by a good friend, though she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know about him–he never presents himself as anything but 100% decent and accountable). And yes, I’m still susceptible to believing in potential rather than actual. Most problematic of all, however, is how well I can convince myself that my preferences aren’t valid enough to act on. Your feedback helps me see where I’m still less solid than I need to be, so, again, thank you!

    • If you are uncomfortable with it and he continues to watch it, not a good match. It isn’t going to improve.

  • While we were in RIC after DD1, we got in a fight and I said “go f*** the f***ing whore”. Not my greatest moment but he took this as my permission to restart the first affair.

    After DD3 (second affair), he said “of course schmoopie won’t mind if we still take family vacations together to Disney”, knowing full well how much I had treasured our past vacations there.

    The one that still infuriates me…again after DD3, my father was in the mid-stages of Alzheimer’s and with tears in his eyes EX said he’d still like to go visit him and talk with him when he goes into a nursing home. If my father was in his right mind, he would have done something other than talk with him…

  • “I was in the back seat with him, but we were just talking.”
    (Not according to the video the PI took).

    After saying she was at Target for over 3 hours, and coming back with 3 things. “I didn’t want to leave Target because it was raining.”
    It wasn’t raining for 3 hours. Maybe she was afraid she would melt, like the witch in the Wizard of Oz.
    Even our poor son figured out that was baloney.

    “I wonder if this relationship with Prince Cheating is ‘real.’ Will we truly be happy forever?”
    Real enough to cause divorce. As to the second question, “forever” lasted 24 hours when it turned out he wasn’t going to leave his own wife after all.

  • “You kept buying bologna and sabotaging my diet!”

    (I was buying bologna/lunch meats for our failing 13 year old dog taking many pills a day) (Also I was not actually forcing the ex to consume the bologna, as I had foolishly assumed “not eating it” was a choice.)

    Buddy (the awesome dog) survived the idiot husband for another year and a half, with all the bologna, roast beef, and turkey he wanted.

    • Yeah, I got this type too, when I told him I thought he was having an affair again (7 ys after the first one).

      First he said he was too busy to have an affair.

      Then when I asked what was going on, then, w/the woman at his work who I knew was the OW;

      ‘Have you seen her? She’s not very attractive.’

      Yeah. So reassuring to know it was his busy schedule and the lack of attractive potential APs that would keep him faithful. Funny, that wasn’t what he promised after Affair #1.

      I so done.

  • “What are you saying!? If I want to stay friends with him then we can’t stay married!?”


    “He’s just a friend, I see him as one of my girlfriends. That’s why I don’t think to tell you when I go over to his house. I’m pretty sure he’s gay.”

    Spoiler alert – he was not gay

  • “But I already told you I wanted out of the marriage. I divorced you in my mind.”

    I got this after I confronted XH about his affair of 6 months. I was too dumb to realize then that our intact marriage was actually the secret sauce in his relationship with the AP. I figured it out when I found this note he wrote to her:

    “I know that now that [ChumpMeTwice] has busted us, our time together is not as sweet.”

  • oh and “ I need you to give me $60000 of your settlement” 15 minutes after l “fell off the wagon” and had sex with him( after he was already living with AP. Nice . I just said I could have hired Fabio to service me for that and no..

    • NewLady15, I Would be tempted to let AP know you fucked your EX, her boyfriend. Let her choke on that little tidbit of information. But that would be kibble distribution. She can wonder.

      I am sorry not sorry to tell you I cracked up at the thought of his post fuck request for $60,000 of your settlement. He is delusional. There is no fuck worth $60,000. I’m still laughing. What a tool.

  • “I see cheating differently now.” “It just happened.” “I’m tired of being the good guy everyone expects me to be.” “She makes me feel a way I’ve never felt before.”

  • “But I came home to YOU every night, so in FACT, I was completely faithful!”

  • “ I never even knew their names..”
    20 years of prostitutes.
    Nameless sex doesn’t count?


  • The OW, a Christian counselor friend of mine, when I confronted her via phone call, “I want an integrous man, and your husband is that.”

    I thought I was being punked.

    • That is so bad it’s beyond hilarious. We really really need a stupid shit OW’s say Friday.

      • The OW in my case said “life is complicated”. It certainly IS if you are screwing married men.

    • because honest, decent, and virtuous men cheat, betray and lie to their wives.

      what a dumbass

  • “At least we didn’t go to the justice of peace to get married”. Said after I found out that he and the Hamburger Whore had a marriage ceremony three years into the 10-year affair WHILE WE WERE STILL MARRIED. (Well, I thought we were. I was; he was doing his own thing.) uh, ever heard of the crime of bigamy?
    ”They weren’t all skanks”. Let’s unpack this: they all knew you were married, but decided that it would be okay to have unprotected sex with you anyway. Yep, they were ALL skanks. Hence the 6 STDS I got.
    “I always loved you”. Thanks, but no thanks. Whatever that was, it wasn’t love.
    Saving the best (worst?) for last: “I’m a polyamorous person”. Said to the therapist in our doomed attempt at marriage counseling. He was quickly disabused of that belief; there is no deception or cheating in a polyamorous relationship. Everyone going in is aware of other relationships, and all other relationships are aware as well. Since he truly gets off on the lying and sneaking around, he’s just a cheating piece of shit.

    • Yup. My ex claims poly. At one point I had to tell him if you call me your primary one more time I will punch you in your face.

      I’m sad that I ever explained to him the difference between cheating and poly. As if he didn’t know.

      To reckoncile he told me that he loved me so much, he was willing to be monogamous for me.

      3 years later, he called me from Burning Man (ugh) to tell me he had hooked up with several women but wanted me to know he hadn’t had sex with them. I said why not? He said he wanted to have some credibility when he asked for an open marriage so he could explore his newfound interest in BDSM. I said nope, our marriage was over.

      Later, after separation, he insisted he hadn’t cheated on me. What was it then ? “It was only anal and genital stimulation.”


      Lying liars who lie through their lying lie holes.

  • Going to work one morning, dressed in a conservative suit. I looked professional. Him: “I may have cheated on you, but you’re trying to advance your career with your pu$$y.” Apparently I wasn’t allowed to dress nicely, wear makeup etc. for anyone but him. That statement (cognitive dissonance) is one I will never forget. Therapist’s jaw dropped when I told her what he said.

    • OMG. Incredible. They all have the same hymnal, don’t they.

      I was a big boss at my job and would also dress for that professional role. He hated it. He asked why I was dressed that way one morning and I said I needed to look professional, I was required to direct peoples’ work and needed to look that part. He said, “Yeah, but you better not try to DIRECT ME.”

      I was a non-nagging, easy-going, “let him do whatever he wanted” kind of wife. I never ever did the queen of the castle bullshit, not one time. He was just a petulant child who can’t handle being with a competent woman.

      That is why he chose a chippy half our age as his final OW. I am sure she doesn’t challenge him at all and his fragile ego is getting stroked on the daily.

  • Him “It was just a silly little thing”

    Me “Did your silly little penis go in her vagina?”

    His reply “Well, yes”

    • My cheater asked me in front of MC “what does it matter if one little tiny piece of my penis s touches one little tiny piece of her vagina?”

      Him after I insisted he could not see his affair partner anymore: “of course i’m crying, I love her so much and she is going to move on and find somebody else by the time we figure out whether or not our marriage is going to work. You’re my best friend, who else am I going to talk to about this?”

      I used to get some satisfaction sharing these stupid shit cheaters say examples. Now they just remind me how I let myself be treated and I feel profoundly sad and ashamed.

      • Oh Gorilla, the shame is his, all his. You fooled you. You were tricked. He deceived you. How is that your shame? You are the victim. He is the perpetrator of abuse. Adultery is abuse. His actions are shameful.

        Now you have bitter experience as your teacher. You will do better. You are out and that is what counts.

  • “I had a hard childhood. I deserve this.”
    Great. Now OUR children are having a hard childhood.

  • He moved out in the middle of the night, no warning, no note no nothing. Months later says he’s having emotional problems, so sorry, needs to be alone, I’ve hurt him so many times he just needs to think about things. Huh? What? Months later, I find out he has a secret FB page under a different name and their relationship is splashed all over it. They were together before he ever even left me-he moved from our house to her house. I don’t share that I know about her, I’m no contact at this point. I had the proof, finally. He texts me a month later saying creditors are after him, will take him to court if he doesnt pay $2k immediately. Please help him, he says. Please help him pay off the jewelry credit card he bought my engagement ring on and never paid for 10 years earlier. The mofo actually expected me to help pay for my own engagement ring after destroying our marriage and leaving me for another woman. I broke no contact that one time to tell him exactly what I thought of him AND HER, and told him to go f*ck himself. Never heard from him again.

  • (Literally the day before I moved out of state. I had just finished packing the car. Our dog was named Zoey, and I was putting her things in the car.)

    “Oh. I kind of thought we could just share Zoey.”


      • Jeebus. He tried that with a cat. He said we could have joint custody. I am so glad you prevailed. Those asshats just hate consequences, don’t they.

        Upon his sudden abandonment of me he first took 2 of our 3 cats with him but forgot he needed an Appliance to take care of them. He brought them back within 2 days.

        Upon final dissolution I asked for one of the 2 that I had bonded with and he tried that joint custody shit, but I said flat out no and was willing to lose her rather than ever deal with him. He handed her over and she is now very happy indeed with me.

        The one cat he did finally take with him was of course assigned to the OW for care and she promptly ignored it and allowed it to wander where it was gravely injured and was paralyzed in its back end. That sweet little cat may now be dead for all I know.

        He likes the idea of pets as kibble dispensers but will not do any real work (both cats in question were ones he imported from the Middle East with great fanfare and then promptly dumped on the Wife Appliance).

        There is a meme going around– “How you treat animals tells me everything I need to know about you.” True that.

        • Cheater X wanted, nay demanded pet visitation. Yeah, so he could pop on over and check up on me. Maybe get his foot back in the door. The answer was no.

  • First words….”I fucked up”.

    Certainly not “I had countless (countless!) orgasms with a coworker in an elementary school teacher lounge restroom while you were leaving work early to care for our kids after school so that I could get ‘caught up’ on grading and organizing, and it was all made possible by my choice to lie to and deceive you day after day after day while you played this game of life by the rules”

    Just “I fucked up”. With mouth agape and the sadz face. Fake tear on the rim of eyelid.

  • “The prostitutes pressured me into sex. I didn’t want to.”…..though he called them, texted them, booked and paid them.