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No Contact Fails — The Blooper Reel

This “Fun” Friday contest was suggested by an intrepid chump this week — no contact fails, the outtakes. If your chumpy existence was a Bloopers show — what mortifying episode would you highlight?

That time you pet sat for her when she was in the Bahamas with the Other Man?

Did you drunk text a booty call?

Spend a few months separated, only to cave, so you could apologize to him?

Yeah, Tracy, where’s the “fun” in recalling our most pathetic moments?

Catharsis? Tripping over our hearts, flailing wildly, and crashing to earth is what makes us chumps. You’re among your own here. Maybe if we’re mortified en masse we’ll vow never humiliate ourselves this way again?

Yo, cheater. They have these things called KENNELS. They take credit cards. Call one.

Or better yet — if it’s your ex, don’t pick up the phone.

TGIF!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I ran this one about three years ago, but figured a new crop of chumps might not want to feel alone in their mortification.

    I’ll go first — When I threw him out, I did his laundry and folded all his underwear first.

    • A few weeks after he left very abruptly, denying there being another woman I uncovered the truth through my own digging and turned up at her house at 5am to confront them both. He was there, his company car cozily parked next to hers on her driveway. I forced him to come to the doorstep to talk to me by threatening to wake up the whole street if he didn’t, I think I just wanted him to know I knew and acknowledge all the lying and gaslighting he was doing had not made me crazy. Then like the true chump I was I apologised to him a few days later and asked him to apologise to her for me!! WTF was I thinking. –
      I should have gone no contact as soon as all their lies were exposed, I was chumpy for a few more months but 18 months later I am nc.

    • I neatly folded and packed his clothes for him, too. Even sprayed my perfume on his clothes because surely he’d smell it and be reminded of me and realize the error of his ways. HA!

    • I made sure to wake up and press his uniforms, shine his shoes, and wake him up so he could rush to work to get drunk with shmoopie. When I found out he was still talking to his short-bus shawtie I called him the day he was supposed to have his DT exam and told him to come home or we were done. He got a week off work playing CoD with his boys talking shit the entire week and then went back for another week before he got busted for being drunk on the job. I’m the worst chump because we’re still together even after all his bullshit.

  • Trying to negotiate with the wackjob because he didn’t want to hire a lawyer( I had one but he wanted to “save money” by figuring it out ourselves( ie. trying to bully me into taking the crumbs he wanted to give). Got me $35 k in legal bills in 12 months because he agreed to everything twice then I paid MY lawyer to put it in legal documents just to have him refuse to sign. I’m sure it was great entertainment for the evil sociopath. I finally woke up and told him to let me know when he was ready to present an offer I could THINK about accepting. That’s when he finally caved and signed. I lost about $300 k because he had already stolen my retirement money and a whole lot more( my lawyer basically said we can’t bleed a stone) so no spousal support after 36 years of marriage and the significant loss of my assets. But at least I got rid of the wackjob. Smdh

    • Thank you for sharing. Yesterday I found my record showing I had paid his taxes after leaving him for multiple sordid acts in the course of a few months. I was thinking what an idiot I was trying to help out a sparkly turd! I did later text him that he was a sparkly turd. His response was, “At least I’m sparkly!”

  • Asked the OW before I knew she was the other women to help ke get in shape after having my 3rd child. Not knowing she was screwing my husband. AND because me and my ex still lived in same house for 7 months post d day I still did his freaking laundry and made dinners. Ughhhh

  • On D-day, I threw a beer bottle at his truck as he’s pulling in the drive. He get out and I tell that I know he’s been cheating. At first, he denies and I tell him that I have phone records. He yells at me, I’ve been in a sexless marriage (only he wasn’t sexless). Immediately, the wind went out of my sail, and I said….I’m sorry. Yep, I apologized that he was in a sexless marriage and had to cheat.

        • The day after the second time he left (and final!) I also launched a large stainless steel coffee mug, filled with coffee, at him. Repeatedly. I had to clean it up after returning from work. The walls of my downstairs were stained with coffee. There were still hints of coffee stains on the walls when I sold the house several months later.

  • The day I found out about the cheating, I slept with him…. twice

    Thank god the second time was crap, never went back

    • I did that too, about 10 days after. Figured we’d just let bygones be bygones and I’d “fix” it.

      I’m still mortified over the fact that he said it felt “weird” when less than 3 weeks before when I didn’t know, it was “great.”

    • The night I found out about him and my (ex) friend-I didn’t say anything.

      I went to bed and woke up the next day-our 23rd wedding anniversary.

      I acted like everything was fine-I gave him a pity fuck, said “Happy Anniversary. That’s never happening again,” and told him I knew all about it.

      I still don’t feel bad about that-because I was completely in control for once…

  • Sudden important Army trip for The Colonel. Over Christmas holidays. No notice. Got up at 3 AM and drove him to the airport for his 5:04 AM flight to Boston. No access to phone due to being in a locked down military facility. Picked him back up at 1 AM on the last flight back. 8 days later.

    This happened. Twice. I was the Chump UBER driver for his rendezvous with Army Captain Twat Muffin. It’s THIS kind of humiliation – after the fact – that keeps me wondering how I didn’t end up with a starring role on Dateline.

    • UBER, I used to get up at 4;30 am to drive sparkledick every Monday morning to airport. He would be especially cruel because of his “anxiety to get to work” and I would pick-me-dance the whole drive.

      I still slap my forehead about this.

      But one day I did say to sparkles: come on, get a taxi. He was furious and accused me of being wasteful (the cab being about 15 bucks). Only later did I realize he was in debt because of schmoopie and every cent counted for him….

      • ClearWaters –

        Like you, I had more than my fair share of pick-me polka. I could write 20 other incidents on here that would guarantee me a place in the Chump Hall of Fame. Hopefully YOU did not have to take on any of Sparkles love fest debt.

        • No, UBER, I did not!!!! My lawyers helped me prove that the debts were not made in the interest of the family. They were ALL his to keep!

    • Super Duper Uber Chump,

      The Military cheats have these built in alibis which they exploit endlessly. My second cheater was also an Army colonel who was fucking a slutty Captain! The problem with being an Army spouse is that they do have to travel frequently. They do go to places they can’t communicate from. They do have assignments where they cannot tell anyone where they are specifically traveling to. It is IMPOSSIBLE to discern what is real from a lie. Furthermore, the code of silence and protection around their misdeeds is virtually impossible to break through. Don’t beat yourself up for believing him. How could you possibly know? How could I have possibly known what my husband was getting up to in Afghanistan? Or when in the Pentagon in D.C. How could you? I think it’s more amazing that we crack them at all. They are trained in subterfuge and withstanding torture for God’s sake.

      • My now wife was married to serial cheater Army men (divorced one and the other was killed). She has stories to tell. They used deployments and other assignments to cheat. She doesn’t know the whole truth of how many times they cheated.

      • Jojobee I have a military cheater to..he was in special ops. There mantra is what happens on the road stays on the road. They almost all cheat and protect each other. When Sargent rizz became a civilian he still went on trips but he had to pay upfront for hotel and plane with his credit card and be reimbursed after..I never could understand how one of the biggest aerospace companies could not cover this stuff..when he used to use a corporate card…what a dumbass I was to believe him..

        • I had a military cheater as well. He had cities he had to frequent for his job, and an online dating profile that conveniently searched new hook-ups for him in those cities. I was left alone on New Year’s Eve, Christmas, my birthday, you name it. I’m particularly suspicious about a work trip to the Virgin Islands from where he could only text, not call. Dirty bastard. Don’t even get me started on the deployments, and “what happens in the sandpit, stays in the sandpit”. But the pink fuzzy handcuffs somehow made it home in his UAB. Too lazy and entitled to pack himself up to come home, and he let the “locals” do it for him. Disgusting. I look at those military family reunions with new eyes now.

      • Jojobee, Sirchumpalot, Nobody2U, and Scared But Strong –

        I’ve been asked more than several times by friends and relatives “How could you NOT have any idea that something was going on?” And.. I have wracked my brain trying to think of what red flags I “subconsciously” missed or worse… ignored. The implication is that if I had “missed” them, I was a dumb ass. And if I had ignored them, I was a bigger dumb ass. There was so much going on at that time in that he was the Commander over 2000+ troops getting ready to deploy to the Middle East. These troops were scattered over about 4 different bases so trips were not that uncommon. I – to this day – don’t know what percentage of trips were legitimate and what percentage weren’t. His entitled ego and carelessness to cover his tracks with his fraternization with his 21-year-younger Army Captain got him written up, removed from Command, and kicked off deployment. Twat Muffin was also investigated. They both pled Article 32 (the equivalent of the Fifth Amendment for non-military chumps). The Army NEVER contacted me at ANY point to ask me any questions or take my statement. THAT bothers me. And always will. As soon as it became apparent that I was no longer going to be of any use to the military to rally and support the soldier, attend speeches, be at events, keep the home fires burning, etc – I was dead to them. My existence meant nothing. After 18 years. Another thing that bothers me is that – as several of you who replied back – the military covers for their own. Yes, the Colonel was written up but that may not stop him from taking another Command or even get promoted to a 1-star (Brigadier General). When you get to that high of a level, there aren’t that many candidates with the right background and credentials for a job that needs to be filled within the ranks. The military has a horrendously bad habit of rewarding bad behavior.

        • You said it, Uber. The job cares about the job’s reputation and covering up any kind of a scandal their high ranking officers may have gotten themselves into, way more than the victims of the poor behavior. It’s still an Ol’ Boys Club of sorts, covering for one another. Cheating is RAMPANT. They laugh about the unattractive military females who would be a “2” in the dating world back home, wanting to stay overseas where there are few women to compete with, and thus they are considered an “8”. These are the OW at the ready, plus any locals willing to get knocked up for a pathway to a visa. The job doesn’t give a crap about the spouses. We are unpaid assistants: set up a new house every few years, bear and rear children alone, clap when told to, entertain this or that person, give up your career and ambitions, and live in this vacuum of a world full of people you’re forced to be “friends” with, who will turn their backs on you the moment the mud hits your face. Suddenly it’s midnight for Cinderella, and she’s thrust into the civilian world to learn to function alone, and The Ball continues with a new dance partner for the officer. Literally.

          • Scared But Strong –

            Your reply back was so brilliantly dazzling and entertaining (but at the same time so frustratingly true) that I am going to save it!

            Everything The Colonel said that wasn’t an answer to a question (that he intended to lie about anyway) has been suspect to a different interpretation after the clock went past midnight. He very off-handedly said one day that the higher the rank in the military, the higher the chance of divorce. I, of course, took that as concrete reassurance that we were NOT going to be amongst those ghastly statistics. Upon reflection, I can see that he was already setting the stage for his new interchangeable dance partner… (who, by the way, is probably a “9 + “ in any looks contest, military or civilian). What keeps me sane with pondering that degradation and the 400 other humiliating memories that followed is that when my rage over the injustice of it all finally took over, I became The Colonel’s absolute worst financial nightmare. If there had been any more money or property to take, I would have taken it. He exited The Ball with a box of Q-tips.

            In any event, to get back to the original question posed by the CN FRIDAY question is that I did it all. Everything that was “wrong” to do, I did it. I sent several emails extolling my own virtues (this was AFTER he presented me with an 8-point list as to how I was not meeting his criteria). A sexy, posed lingerie picture. Of me. Sent to him on one of his sudden “Army trips”. Which, of course, was bullshit. Sobbing, whining, threatening, begging, sending flowers, showing up at his new apartment hoping to confront them both, packing up and dumping all his stuff in the garage of his new apartment (maybe I should name my new Chump Delivery Service Fed-Up Ex?), an offer to renew our vows with a big party, etc, etc. I think I can say with 100% certainty that I was not of my right mind and could have easily been diagnosed as certifiably crazy. Remembering all that (and even so much more), I cringe and am beyond mortified to admit, even in this “safe place” amongst other emotionally recovering and like-minded Chumps that my self-respect was near 0.

            I am guessing but my opinion is: By the time most Chumps find THIS savior site, all the self-damage and degradation to win back the Prize Fuckwit has already done a number on any self-respect that they may have had. I truly, 100% thought I was the Lone Ranger. Narcissistic Personality Disorder was a term that was unknown to me, although I now have the equivalent of a PhD in it now. And NOT the online or Cliff Notes version. (As a side note, the higher the rank of the Military Officer, the higher the odds that he / she has NPD).

            • Yes on the NPD….how many times did we attend a Hail and Farewell And wonder why everyone was looking at us funny. Why we couldn’t seem to connect? I look back at 24 years as a military wife and am sure now he must have told some we had an open marriage, or were separated. Looking back I think it’s weird that CDR OneOfTheGuys left at 18 1/2 years. Some of the career decisions and moves that didn’t add up at the time were probably forced. Of course no one ever told me, I would love the right person to come knocking on my door now. I’d give them everything.

              • Hope Springs –

                You have just jostled a memory for me that is now taking on a whole new meaning with your comment about “looking at us funny.” About 15 years ago, there was this Lieutenant that was never friendly to me. Not rude but direct, lukewarm, and businesslike. No smile. Ever. Colonel Dickhead was probably a Major then but she was one of his pets. Even insisted that I invite her (along with several other soldiers who didn’t have close family) to Thanksgiving dinner. I never thought anything about it until just now but I wonder… was there something going on with her? Even then? (She was a bit chubby, not attractive, and seemed somewhat butch but as I have become educated on NPD I now know that kibbles is the big draw in a new relationship. Appearance is secondary). God only knows what he told her. Open marriage? Separated? You may be on to something… It could certainly account for her standoffish attitude toward me.

            • Nemesis –

              I think the trauma and PTSD symptoms that we Chumps have may be even more magnified when we are also Military Chumps. In my case, The Colonel ran totally roughshod over the 7 Army Core Values that they swear to uphold and protect, specifically those about honor and integrity. And then… the Military will only intervene if enough hell is raised. You walk a fine line. Stay silent… or raise hell and risk losing your well-earned military retirement after you stuck it out with the Lying Dirtbag long enough to earn it. It’s a Shit Sandwich X 2.

      • The navy….What goes on det stays on det. I thought that was the white glove generation…turns out no. I have 2 years of emails between CDR Dick and LCDR( Admiral’s wife and coworker) OneOfTheGuys sitting at my lawyer’s office. I now know they had a 4 year affair. I don’t have the guts to read it. The military wants spouses to be “one of the team” and then effs them over at every turn. We’ve made no progress at all. It’s like they have a free pass for everything.

        • Hope Springs –

          So very sorry about those emails. I would tell your lawyer to shred them. Unless you need to keep them handy for possible future litigation…?

          Agree totally with your last 3 sentences. I’d even go so far as to say the military would prefer the spouses “to TAKE one for the team” and keep our mouths shut. Don’t ask, don’t tell.

          • Omg, Uber — Q-Tips! Hahaha!

            Don’t ask, don’t tell INDEED. But word travels, doesn’t it? Last PCS, we sold our car to an incoming family who was only at their last post for a few months. The husband apparently had a thing for foreign national prostitutes, and instead of imploding his career (because…security clearance!), they reassigned them to one of the most cush posts around (incidentally, where prostitution is regulated and legal…?!?!). The poor wife was saddled with several young children, no family support, probably hasn’t had a work history in years due to the moving around. Talk about eating a shit sandwich. How is she supposed to “just leave” and take her kids? Meanwhile, everyone pieces together what’s happened, and they get to whisper behind her back at events. She will likely be isolated. Poor woman. I think of her often, and I’ve never even met her. It’s hell living in the fish bowl.

            • I really wonder at the research that goes in to these clearances. The dick is now a govt contractor with top of the top, special for every project clearance and he lies about everything. Towards the end he must have been feeling invincible. I never suspected he was cheating, but when he lied to his boss on the phone in front of me, a light bulb went off in my head, and I knew he wasn’t the person I thought he was.

              • Hope Springs –

                Hopefully you didn’t have too much time wasted on “the dick.” He sounds charming. Ugh.

                I have to wonder if The Colonel had his secret clearance taken away after being investigated for his affair with the Army Captain. When the military has a large amount of time, money, and training invested in an upper level officer, it seems – more often than not – nothing much happens. Wouldn’t be a bit surprised if he doesn’t even get promoted down the road.

            • Scared but Strong –

              That story is absolutely heartbreaking! I have noticed that very same thing regarding the military. Even though The Colonel was relieved of Command, he was transferred to another location (like the husband in your story). Passing “the problem” on to another base seems to be a common solution.

      • jojobee

        I am not a military ‘casualty’ but what I read, and can relate to, in your writing is how horrific the lying is.

        I am a couple of years out from Dday and the lying is what ‘bothers’ me the most at this point because of MY behavior – how I was playing a role that I didn’t even know I had been initiated into for over 30 years due to HIS lying. A role that informed all that I did – from how I parented our children to how I related to myself and my friends as well as my ‘spiritual’ life.

        I heard a phrase that has helped me a lot since hearing it – ‘ambiguous grief’. There is so much to work through due to THEIR behavior. He walked off into the sunset brushing me and our children off while I feel like I have been left in a pit of quicksand attempting to climb out on my own. I succeed in getting some solid ground beneath my feet and then another memory blindsides me and I am tossed back into the mire.

        Our grown children are baffled/angry too and that bounces back onto me but comes out in behavior vs words since they aren’t at the point where they will even discuss any of this with me. How does one discuss a life/past that has been riddled with lies and the liar still lies….

        Since reading LACFAL and finding CL and CN I feel like I am not so crazy because I can relate to just about everything people write here and it does make a HUGE difference.

        I think of my poor mother who felt so isolated and couldn’t understand why she felt so overwhelmed after my POS father abandoned her with 5 children to raise. No support back in her day. No books to read. She lived in shame and it wasn’t even hers to take on. She was dumped after 20 years of marriage but lived in shame for the rest of her life – approx. 25 years. People who haven’t experienced this can’t understand why someone doesn’t ‘just get over it’. Lies and betrayal are the worst in my book.

        Thanks for sharing and I am so sorry you had to live through all he put you through.

  • WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY

    DID I HAVE SEX WITH THAT LOSER

    AFTER FINDING OUT HE WAS CHEATING?!

    On top of that, we went forward with our Christmas plans in Hawaii…one month after DDay…..

    (I’m dreeeeaming
    Of a weird Christmas
    Unlike the ones I used to knoooow
    Where the cheater’s hidden
    With cellphone in the
    lanai
    Skyping with the hoooooo)

    • It’s okay Velvet Hammer. A mere week or so after D day I spent Thanksgiving cooking all day and then sat and made smiling small talk with his family while I was screaming and crying inside…

      • You and me both…I did two of those BS Thanksgivings….DDay 11/13/17….followed by one total fake BS Thanksgiving at home and another one for our employees at our business….I was just shell-shocked and out of my mind…..

  • I know this is meant for fun and it mostly is but I have a serious question about No Contact. Is this hurtful to the kids? I have been no contact with my ex-wife for almost 18 months(as much as possible) and there are times that my daughter is hurt by my non communication with their mother. This hurts my heart because I don’t want my actions to hurt my kids any more than they already are. I loathe my ex(nowhere near Meh, I know) for what she did and who she is. That can’t be helpful to my kids. I’m working on it.

      • BBM I can’t say I’m as good at no contact as you (I’m more Grey Rock). I think the fact that you are aware of this as a potential problem shows how much you care for your kids. I can’t tell you if your specific case is causing problems but I approach this from what I want to teach my kids. I want to teach my kids that people who disrespect, gaslight, lie, steal and break promises no longer get my attention. They can’t be part of my inner circle. I’ve done it with former friends and I do it to the extent that I can with my STBXW. Remember that you are teaching your kids how to respect themselves too.

    • There is no way to prevent the kids from being hurt in this horrible situation. When the cheating parent blows up the family, the shrapnel cannot be contained. The AFFAIR hurt the kids. The CHEATERS hurt the kids; they put the kids in the horrible position of having to reconcile this and they need help doing it.

      My response has been to provide healing and first aid. He is not my friend and I think it is extremely harmful to teach my daughter that he is. I have taught her, her entire life, that people who do things deliberately to hurt you are not her friends. Thanks a lot, ex-h**e. I never thought in a million years her own father would be in the category of people who did deliberate harm…..so now what?

      I provide therapy for her. I am civil to him when I have to speak to him (you can act civil without being friends). This is his damage to repair and it’s very healthy to set boundaries with people who do you massive harm, even if you are related to them.

      I have also taught my daughter her whole life that you can be friendly (polite, civil) without being friends. This is the major league example, one I never saw coming, but because that lesson was firmly in place before this happened I think it has helped her.

      • Velvet Hammer, you sound like a wonderful parent! I SO wish my parents taught me not to be friends with people who deliberately harm me. But I suppose that would be a confusing message because they deliberately harmed me all the time as a child… and then as an adult…

        I think that lesson – not to be friends with people who deliberately harm you – is one of the most powerful ones a parent can teach besides what consent does and does not look like.

      • I like this explanation…be civil but we’re not friends. Kids do have to learn their are consequences and dealbreakers in life when someone hurts or abuses you. I don’t want my son to marry a disorder fuck. I want him to know his worth

      • As Bill Eddy (attorney and social worker-read his books), be brief, informative, friendly and firm with the disordered. BIFF

        • LOVE THIS Saffa!

          Could this be the inspiration for Biff in Back to Future? The scene at the end where he’s waxing the Beamer?

          “Now, don’t con me, Biff!”

          😂

        • SPbyaSaffa,

          Thanks for the reminder of this author. I did read it awhile back but I have read so much in the past 2 years that I forget a lot of it. I do remember his stuff was very simple and direct – very doable.

          I have one older child who has expressed anger/frustration at me for not talking regularly with the x. I was taken aback by his comment because I totally didn’t expect it so I had no solid reply for his burst of anger.

          I have taken notes on so many things I read here and I try to keep them all in one place but I am not always on top of it. I had no immediate non-reactive/emotional response for him at the time so all that came out of my mouth was that it is way too painful for me to have contact with him which is the truth.

          I am aware that I walk a fine line in how I respond. I know that I can be turned into the offender in a heartbeat by responding negatively. I see this all the time in our culture. The victim, when speaking her truth, is turned into the offender/bad guy.

          I have see this happen with a dear friend who was cheated on by her then husband of 40 years. She kicked him to the curb. Defended herself towards his accusations. Her children are like mine; all grown children.

          Her x is a TFC so after being dumped by OW and divorced he spends his time with her grown children in tears. They have taken pity on HIM and can’t understand why their mom won’t reconsider ‘taking him back’.

          This is the man who cheated, proceeded to lie about finances to the turn of well over $100,000.00 – who lives in their ‘dream home’ while she lives in a cramped condo above a family of screaming children while working in an effort to support herself AND they think she is the ‘bad-guy.’

          It does happen. Defies reason so I tread carefully whenever I have had to have contact which is indeed painful for me. ( Found out via trickle truth that he is a serial cheater hence our entire 30+ years together were pretty much a sham. He was lying not only to me but to our children throughout their entire lives.)

          We are still in the early days of shock. I don’t ever bring him up in any conversations when I see my children. I let them initiate and only one has thus far.

          For now I think I will stay with my line of how painful it is for me and, if the opportunity presents itself, I will explain about the lies and how they impact people and, as people have stated, explain that I don’t hang out with people I can’t trust especially those who are supposed to be the most important people in our lives….yep, that anger does want to rear its ugly head and gets a dig in here and there. I can do that here to get it out of my system so I can be more neutral with the children.

          Good Luck. There is no ‘perfect’ in any of this. As so many say, take care of yourself.

    • BBM –

      The alternative is more harmful. My ex (now married to the second OW) lives out of state and when he last visited wanted to sleep at the house. I considered it (yup NC fail and very chumpy). My 22 year old daughter nearly slapped my face: No no and no!!

      Kids want and need really clear boundaries- If you’re all warm and fuzzy With someone who has brutalized you, they get confused about healthy relationships. If you maintain clear and civil boundaries, the world makes more sense and teaches them what a healthy relationship looks like and what it does not.

    • There’s s balance to find of keeping your distance for your healing, but meanwhile supporting their relationship with the other parent. Regardless of what they did, they are still the other parent. It’s wrong on every level what they did, but from s court standpoint, support them having the best relationship that is possible with their other parent.
      When they receive gifts, I’m happy they’re happy with them.
      I find other ways to teach them about boundaries and relationships. I don’t drag their dad into it.
      Use a friend that hurt their feelings. A date that went bad. Share life experiences and teach them to do better. They’ll get the point.
      I do my best to keep them out of the drama. He is not my friend, but I maintain a coworker vibe around him.

      • I am lucky that my kids are older teens so I am able to go fairly NC (occasional text or $ – like every couple months). The NC was heaven after having to live with him for 10 months after separating (he just wouldn’t leave).

        I think my X is a pos person for what he did so it’s a good thing I don’t have to see him (no more pretending). The years of lying and neglecting his family while cheating. My kids see him for who he is – their Dad who basically abandoned them in the last 5 years to chase p***y – too bad I was wearing rose colored glasses. I will not interfere in their relationship but I will no longer try to spackle for him – whatever relationship the kids have with him will be on their own terms. I can say that they definitely have no respect for him — gee you think – finding your Dad’s party kit stocked with weed, viagra, and a married colleagues number (yes they called it) kinda does that.

        My personal fail was to buy him expensive champagne and write him a love note to welcome him home from a trip (that I now realize was with OW) that he spend $10,000 of joint money. Told him how much I loved him and wanted to make things work – he drank the champagne and carried on spending money on the OW (all cash of course impossible to trace).

      • I don’t think you need to “support” a relationship with the other parent. You must respect it; that’s the children’s right, to have relationships with both parents. And I think you can use that respect to teach kids to respect YOUR right to limit contact with someone who has hurt you terrible. Kids can understand that, in time. They often have big fantasies about the parents getting back together, but there’s a lot of value in kids learning to be resilient in the face of those changes and to understand that it is not healthy to submit to abuse.

    • BBM no doubt, a breakup is so painful for kids and they do get upset with you while they adjust and work things out. Remember the cheater has trampled everyones boundaries and that is veeerrry confusing for kids, who are of their nature chumps until we help them not to be. When I finally went no contact 18 months after separation and shortly after my divorce was finalised my then 16 year old son (youngest of 5 and last one living at home) was very upset with me. I explained to him calmly that i did it as a consequence of his dad’s continued abuse by text and email. And that i had set up a shared calendar we could all access if we needed to communicate about our children. He still wasn’t happy – he copped flak from his dad about it and there was a lot of other badmouthing of me as was eventually revealed – but I kept calm and stuck to my guns. Now, a year later, he has realised that his dad pays little attention to what is going on in his sons life and acts bewildered and surprised and put out when he has to do anything for our son. His mum, on the other hand, does the same involved parenting thing she has always done. My son pushed back vigorously against his dad about the badmouthing of me ( i only know this because he left his dads house during a court mandated custodial visit and went to stay with his sister! I found out by accident and had to give all siblings a clear and stern talk about the serious nature of legal custody – which brought to light a few issues that needed to be dealt with. The parenting goes on …) My children are in a much better, more honest, more realistic place with regard to their father now and a lot more respectful of me.
      Be patient and honest (age appropriately) with your children and they soon work out who has their best interests at heart. Contact prolongs the chumpy image management we can’t help doing, making them look like they are involved and engaged when really you are doing all the work of scheduling, reminding, and general kid life management. When you withdraw, it shows them up as the selfish entitled person they really are.

    • I believe that it does hurt the kids to see their parents not be able to have a civil relationship. But it is not our fault.

      When I do see my ex I am polite. I do refer to past memories of family trips with my kids at times. I don’t want to erase their childhood. I will ask them how their dad’s trip went, or something vague like that.

      The worst upset for my kids was when h hade convinced them that I ‘hated him.’ So I act very casual about him to them now. Like he is no big deal and I am meh about him. (Not always true but my kids do not benefit from hearing negatives about him from me).

    • I always wonder how much of the childrens’ stress is rooted in the cheater parent’s triangulating via constant lamenting openly to the children about the importance of being able to stay friends. Image management is constant in toxic narcissists, and the “stay friends for the kids” thing is easy to make reasonable-sounding.

      • You’ve hit the nail on the head. If the cheater isn’t triangulating and attempting parental alienation, the kids can get their feet under them.

      • Very true, amiisfree. I was very proud of my son for calling his dad out on the constant attempts at parental alienation and walking out. It seems it has worked for now, and only 1 year til he is 18. Exh probably worked out that if son decided to live solely with me it would mean even more child support payments.

    • BBM…not sure how old your kids are but it is likely XW is trying to alienate you by complaining to kids about your NC. You do you— keep loving on them, showing up for every minute of your time and being sane and present. I would respond: XW and I divorced because she had a boyfriend and marriage doesn’t work like that. We aren’t friends. But I will always love you and be here for you anytime you want to talk to me.

      BOOM.

    • BBM
      I’m not sure how far along you are, but my experience has been to go NC, use email only –text if time is an element. Take care of your self first, like the oxygen mask.

      Its totally normal to have big boundaries as you set up your new life, which includes a newly defined relationship with your kids. As time passes, you can define how big that boundary is based on your X’s actions.

      It takes time. You’re doing fine. The fact that you even care about this makes you a TOTAL winner and an awesome dad. When time has passed, you and your kids will be great no matter.

  • Just before he was put on 100% disability (bipolar) his payroll unit screwed up and effectively he had no income for 11 months. We were already divorced and Schmoopie had done a runner so I took out a loan and paid his rent and kept him going financially for 11 months!!!! But there was method in my madness. I figured I couldn’t afford for him NOT to pay his rent because where would he come running for a roof over his head, in February, in the mountains? Me right! And I knew I couldn’t turn him away if he did. People said I was mad as there’s no way they would have paid anything for that fucker but I was looking after my own best interests in the end and it worked out ok (except for all the money I lost, but hey, what’s a few thousand more $$$$ on top of all the other money he had pissed away)!

    • You are better than me Attie. I could easily look either of my cheater’s in the face when they told me they were homeless and said,” Oh, Bummer” and then calmly shut the door in their face!

  • Ok this is embarrassing, this is an unpleasant moment. but if I’m to be honest here about my life, and if the truth will set me free: I asked my stbxh if i could come over to his apartment. I ended up spending the night and in the morning, I think I used schmoopie’s toothbrush to brush my teeth.

    • I kind of did the same.
      And got driven home in Schmoopie’s big fuck off Merc the next day.
      Mortified.
      Wish I’d scoured the toilet bowl with his toothbrush.
      I look back and can’t believe that was me.

        • Or we were desperately trying to hold on to what we wrongly thought we couldn’t live without. We make these cheater into far larger, more consequential beings than they are.

          • LovedaJackass…you hit the nail on the head with this one! We were trying to make sense where there was none.

          • LAJA,

            I just returned from an Al-Anon meeting and this exact same issue came up – all of us scratching our heads wondering why we do this to ourselves despite knowing they are indeed fuckwits. An Al-Anon trademark or point of entry – acknowledgment that we do indeed belong to the Al-Anon club – we fit the description to a tee.

            Many of us are long timers and this issue still comes up – how core it is in us to ‘hero worship’ narcissists. Wonderful thing is is that now the younger generation is so far ahead in seeing through this smoke screen right away they are able to get on with their lives more quickly than us older folk who have been conditioning from the generation we were born into.

            I have been able to share at meeting level what I have learned here about DARVO, gaslighting, blame shifting, NC and grey rock in a straight forward way. All of these ‘tactics’ are within the Al-Anon literature but are not explicitly stated in one easy to access place.

            Today one of my’ light bulb’ moments was, “What he thinks of me is none of my business.” I have know that line for years and years yet I keep having to go back to it when I catch myself in my old thinking patterns.

            I also heard something that I loved from someone talking about ambiguous grief.

            I know betrayal involves grief – duh, but the conflict for me has been in embracing the relief that he is out of my life, he is a serial cheater, while I still love the person I thought he used to be but never was to begin with. I hadn’t been able to come up with a simple phrase express that inner confusion and now I have it. The moment I heard it was like I had a rock to stand on again helping me to not feel so conflicted/confused. That link between heart and head.

            Thanks for your words. The reminder I need to read and hear often.

        • I described it as being in “free fall.” Such a horrible, terrifying feeling. I did it all: apologizing (cringe!), begging him to stay, shamelessly seducing him so he wouldn’t walk out the door, contacting the OW to tell her he was married with children. You name it, I did it. Turns out he started using prostitutes around the time that we started marriage counseling (set up by me.) I’m so glad to be rid of him, although the divorce process is taking too long and too much money!
          So glad there are many Partners in Cringe here.

      • I **might** have pissed on POP’s (Predatory Opportunistic Parasite) toothbrush one night when he was out with his stumpy legged ‘ho.

        😉

        • Yeah – I had to go back into the rectory for something after I moved out…

          Miss Piggy’s silk, leopard print satin pillow case ( avec pillow ) was on my husband’s bed. Our marital bed.

          I had to pee. I grabbed the pillow and used it to wipe myself with and then placed it back where I found it.

          I hope she never washes it !

    • When I divorced my first cheater, back in 1981, he came around my apartment one day looking for sex. I slept with him. I’m not particularly proud of that. After he’d left, I found his wallet on the floor next to the bed. No cell phones. He had left 20 minutes earlier — plenty of time to get to his apartment. So I called, thinking to speak to him or his answering machine. Schmoopie answered the phone. I was a bit taken aback for a moment, and then I said, “I’m calling to let you know that Greg’s wallet is at my house. It fell out of his pocket when he took off his pants.”

      He was quite angry about that phone call when he came back to reclaim his wallet, but I told him, “If she didn’t mind sharing when you were living with and married to ME, she shouldn’t mind sharing now.” He actually brightened up and said, “Yeah. You’re right.” And he left all happy. I’ll never know if he shared my wisdom with her, but she did marry him anyway.

        • Yeah, he was a real piece of work. I’m still friends with his sister, though, and his father wrote to me one a month for nearly forty years, until his death a few years ago.

          I’m not real good at picking husbands, but I’m great at keeping friends!

  • Cheater didn’t often hang out with friends (didn’t have any) and made a new gaming friend at work. We only had one car at the time and I was heavily pregnant and had a 1 year old. I was happy for him to have a guy’s night and he was going to spend the night with the co-worker bringing him back to work in the morning… but as it went on and he didn’t respond to my text that he have a good night, I bundled up my daughter and I, picked up pizza and wings, and headed over to surprise them. (I didn’t think he’d be there.)

    They all were shocked. The most underwhelming welcome the world has ever seen. Especially from the gaming friend’s “girlfriend.” I thought, “Geez- she’s a bitch.” I APOLOGIZED for interrupting them, blaming my pregnancy hormones, and left.

    That’s the one he was fucking around with during my pregnancies and births. She was never the other guy’s girlfriend. She’s the one who called me a whore when I called her, crying during my 3rd pregnancy and thought she was only an inappropriate friend who kept going after him… that she should give up because clearly, WE are married and have a THIRD baby on the way. Her: “You should stop spreading your legs like a whore!” To the WIFE of the married man she’d been after for THREE years.

    • Her Karma would be if she married him. That’s what the skank did when I divorced his ass. I used to imagine that he would finally be happy. Nope. He’s the same dick. They don’t change. Now his skank gets to deal with the dick. Karma!

    • Insist on honesty – that bitch is projecting her way straight to hell. You were most certainly not the whore. Reality really sucks for her.

  • When I threw cheater out after 1st D day I went out and bought him a large bag of gluten free foods to take with him. Duh. Gosh I was so lame, I felt so responsible for that freak.

  • I listened to my ex tell me how he perceived me (“insufficient empathy for my stress”) without challenging him often enough. I stayed for another 2.5 years after he twice grabbed me around the throat and threatening to throw me out of “his” house (that same one I got in the divorce, mind you). I had more sex with him after confronting him with what I knew about his online emotional affair because I thought a) I was partly to blame for that affair, and b) that he was worth keeping.

  • One gloomy day, 2 months after Dday, I had a weak, hormonal moment and sent him a text stating I still loved him for who he was. All I got back was……………..silence and one cricket.

  • BBM, this is a good question and shows your good heart. I think the answer is that the children mourn the loss of the relationship along with us, I know it’s shaken my daughter’s faith in love too. However, it is vitally important for you to take care of yourself, and to model the very best behaviour for the kids. No contact is to heal your heart, keep it up to be a sane whole parent. Modelling is for the children, to make sure they understand the consequences of infidelity for the whole family and the best way to recover from it. Short term ot may upset the kids but long term it is absolutely the best for you and therefore for the kids. All the best!

  • After Dday and leaving him I went on long weekend to meet him. I guess I was expecting remorse but he said he would be seeing other women soon if I didn’t return…that’s after 30 years of seeing prostitutes… ugh… divorce final this week and trying to do NC. He recently texted that I walked away and I had the right to do that. Uh yeah, I know. He feels sorrow and grief now, must be missing the wife appliance in his new digs.

  • Laundry? Check
    Telling him I was going to fight for the marriage (when he’d already buggered off to another city with horseface)? Check
    Drunk 3am call after the first time I had sex with someone new? Check

    I think that about sums that shit show up haha.

  • I felt sorry for my ex, because his parents dumped him regularly as a child. But he didn’t have to take it out on me. He was always nice to his mother. He seems to like narcissistic women, actually his ow dumped her kids. It seems what goes around comes around. The ow is probably like his mum, his mum was a bitch from hell.
    She always thought being slim was important she was big on child rearing.

  • I got a phone call to say he needed help with the electrics on the boat he lives on. My kids were with him. I went over and tried to help, got screamed at because it was all my fault. I took the boys and started to drive home when we got a phone call. He was sorry and would I come back. I did to get told again that I forced him to move out and buy boat. He them invited himself to my house so he could do his work using my electric. This was 3 weeks after introducing me and kids to his new girlfriend!

    Slowly getting better at no.

    • Good for you, Walks. It’s a fairly slow process for me too, learning to say no. Every Chump at their own natural speed!
      (AlsoKnownAsSuomiMouser 😘)

    • Speed it up. No contact other than necessary business will help. It’s a choice. His problems? Not your problem. “NO” is a complete sentence.

  • I finishe defensive driving for him for a speeding ticket and told him to send the certificate to his insurance to get a discount. WTF

    • Her Karma would be if she married him. That’s what the skank did when I divorced his ass. I used to imagine that he would finally be happy. Nope. He’s the same dick. They don’t change. Now his skank gets to deal with the dick. Karma!

  • Asked her to make sure she left her garage door opener at the house….

    Also told her the rest of her stuff had been packed up and left on the AP’s driveway, so I’m hoping that makes up for the garage door opener one lol.

  • Soo many fails. The biggest one – I took my daughter to Disneyworld (I live in the UK) for some R & R after all the upheaval. At the time she was 16 and whined ‘it won’t be the same without dad!’ Foolishly I felt the same so called to ask him if he’d like to join us. Of course he said yes….kibbles and image management, you know. So off we went to Orlando and it was a nightmare. He behaved like a spoiled brat, wanting what he wanted and getting it and winding my daughter up to breaking point so much she cried for days from the tension and pressure. Oh yeah, there’s one small detail I left out….I paid for the pleasure of his company! It cost me over £1000! This is the guy who cheated on me…with a man, after 23 years of marriage, 30 years together and 3 children. And et this – I’ve been on holiday with him two more times since. WTF I am doing with my life?!

    • Simone,

      You are not alone. While I was in the RIC camp I ran across a book written by a husband and wife who were now living the dream of ‘true love’ and that poor woman did the exact same thing BUT, and one has to wonder about this, she was ecstatic because she had ‘won him back’. I wonder if they are still together because now I know the real truth and my recall of his side of the story is so classic and I know there are more than a few of us RIC drop-out here.

  • He called me sobbing two days after discovery, so I went over, HELPED HIM FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF, and talked him down from cancelling his tour 😑

    • After beating the shit out of me for around 45 minutes on a regular basis the Twat would then burst into tears and guess who comforted him!!!!

  • Ex left when I was 8 weeks pregnant. He lived in Maryland with OW, I moved back to Arizona. When it was time for the baby to come, he flew out and I offered him to stay with us for two weeks. He talked to OW for at least an hour on the phone daily (I didn’t react!), didn’t show up for the birth (and slept in my bed during!!), and after a few days took our oldest to stay with his mom over an hour away and barely saw the new baby.
    I haven’t offered to let him stay with us since, but I definitely bent over backwards for him for a while.

  • After I kicked him out, I went to pick him up when he took the wrong bus and ended up in the wrong neighborhood. He berated me the entire time because I didn’t come pick him up quick enough, never mind that I was in a knee to toe cast on my left leg and was hobbling around. I also found his first apartment for him, paid for him to stay in a hotel for a week after I kicked him out. Delivered his Wii to said hotel so he could entertain himself. I continued to pay marital debt solely myself and just recently started demanding child support – and agreed to let him pay 50% of what he owes for now because he claims he can’t afford to pay me the full amount.

    I obviously still have some chump tendencies that I need to work on…

    • It’ll come, PutAFork! We owed about £13k in marital debt and when we split I said I would pay the debt which was in my name, about 2k, seeing that I earn 1/3 of what he does and have the three kids with me all the time. Proud of my mighty, as I stepped up to our marital debts fairly but not dropping myself too deep in it. Like you, gradually learning to demand my and the kids rights. Good for you xxx

  • Gave her 2 concert tickets I’d bought months earlier for us as she wanted to take her ‘sister’. Told me afterwards how romantic it was.

    • Paid to have her hair colored for her first date with the OM. The date was while I was on a trip with our 14 year old son.

    • I’d thrown Hannibal out of the house in October, filed in November, but still sent a small Christmas gift with my daughter when she went to visit him on the holiday. Face plant. Admittedly, I only knew about the affair with gradwhore from 8 years earlier (and not the panoply of affairs/one night stands he’d had throughout the marriage).

  • I purposely was slow to pack my stuff and move outta his house because he was so anxious for Howorker to move in and spend the holidays with him.

    He went out one evening, earned a DUI, and totaled his beloved Porsche. The state police called “Mrs. X(me)” at 2 a.m. and asked me to come down to the accident site.

    I could have easily left him in jail. He could have called his Howorker but in his drunken state had me contacted. Twelve years, dumped, yet still caring about him, I went.

    Two years later, his cycle of abuse continues but I have moved on. Lesson learned.

  • After I found out about his affair with my (ex) friend (one of many many affairs), I was petrified that with 3 teenagers a divorce would send them all to drugs and Juvy(they are great kids and are thriving a year after we left the house).

    I told him I would stay until the oldest graduated from high school (the twins were Sophomores on D-Day).

    He joined a dating app and was quite busy with it-all the while telling me he did not want a divorce.

    Trying to hide it from the kids-I slept in the same bed-fighting off his advances-and making dinner for the family every night.

    One night I went looking for him to tell him dinner was ready-and I found him out front on his cell and when I started to tell him-he “shushed” me. He was chatting with one of his ‘dates.’

    HE FUCKING ‘SHUSHED ME!’

    Bad News: That was my lowest point.

    Good News: It was my lowest point.

    Because he did that-I told the kids we were divorcing, that I needed 6 months to find a house.

    That was July 2, 2018.

    By September 1st, 2018-we we’re living in our new house a half mile from their school and i don’t think I have EVER been as happy as I am now.

      • My new husband is a gem but early in our marriage he had not yet set good boundaries with his bully XW. His daughter was speaking to her mom on the phone and almost husband shushed me.

        That was the closest to calling off the wedding I got.

        We got married and he dare not shush me especially over that shrew (who was nasty to me even though I didnt start dating her X until they were divorced 12 years – and she was remarried !!)

    • When I think back to my lowest moments, there is a common thread with your post….

      Those low moments were when I’d given up on “winning” the pick-me dance and shifted instead to fighting to protect ours kids from the pain of divorce. If there were no kids in the picture, I’d have simply left when his mask slipped and I saw him for who he really is. But blinded by hopium, I held on for our kids, demeaning myself because I mistakenly thought it would be better for the kids.

      Years later and divorced, the kids and I are happy and healthy. 🙂

  • I never had any direct contact with the cheater after I dumped him, but I got caught up in listening to people who knew him gossip about him and report to me about every little bit of drama happening in his life.

    It felt good for a while, but waiting for the next installment of his reality show of a life wasn’t moving on. And I was too caught up in hearing about his drama to realize that the gossip vine goes both ways. If these people were so happy to spill the beans about him to me, how did I know they weren’t feeding him a steady flow of information about me?

    So I realized I’d messed up and cut contact with them too.

    • I was separated and had already filed for divorce, I helped pay for my XW to get a place to live after selling the house. Instead of thanking me, she told everybody that “God” helped her. Not one thank you…

      I bought her favorite candy in hopes of reconciliation. Was rejected, of course.

      One week before the divorce was final, I called her up to say I didn’t want the divorce and for us to reconcile. I can’t believe I demeaned myself like that.

  • I had sex with him the night he told me he was going to move out and that “She means the world to me”.

    A couple of weeks later he tried to negotiate. I wanted him to get individual counseling because I thought he was seriously losing his mind. He said he would go if I would agree to let him carry on with Schmoopie before he moved out, “discretely” of course. I refused that trade but tried to convince him that I might let him do that if he would sleep with me again first. His response was “that’s just not where we are right now” and then he continued to carry on with Schmoopie while still living at home and never did see an IC either. Luckily I did and she gave me the strength to divorce him.

  • I told the Worm we needed to talk. Our two kids were in the house so he took me for a ride in the car. He took my cell phone and then started punching me in the head while he was driving.
    Told me only one of us was going to come back that night. I escape as he stopped at a stop sign. Ran across four lanes of traffic to an all night gas station.
    I saw a lawyer the next morning…..then I went back for 8 more months of hell.

  • For years after we separated, I allowed him to visit the kids in my home. We are in different states. So in his state, he took the kids to his moms. She did all the cooking and laundry while he took the kids out for fun. And in my state I took care of meals and laundry.

    It finally dawned on me that he’s not having to take on any responsibility and I never was getting a break from the day to day load. I finally told him he’d have to take them to s hotel for his visit. He couldn’t come to my home anymore. I wasn’t going to make him any more plates. He stopped coming to visit them, and when he gets a visit in his state, he makes them do their own laundry.

  • K – I was reluctant to post this because it brought back some rather horrible memories, but thought I would for any new Chumps out there who may feel like they are a failure and alone.

    It was a month or so in to the hell known as “in house separation” where I knew that she was cheating on me – rubbing it in my face in fact and I was pick-me dancing like a madman. We were in separate bedrooms and I kept hauling in hopium by the truck-load. She seemed so uncertain I thought. She wasn’t actively moving on getting out I thought so maybe I had a chance I thought. She was gorging on cake and reveling in the triangulation of two different men wanting her and her saggy yoga-pants covered butt.

    She announced to me on Friday (I think) that she and OM were going away for the weekend together for what would undoubtedly be a fuck-fest. And asked – if yes – I would pet sit her incontinent Pomeranian. I never liked that dog which was “her’s” despite me doing most of the care for him, but I did have a lot of sympathy for him because I felt that like me, he was suffering from separation anxiety and the stress of the house. Mme YogaPants did offer to take the dog with her which on the one hand would certainly not make for a romantic time away. On the other hand, it would have added a huge amount of stress to the poor mutt who really wasn’t coping well. And on the third hand, I rationalized in my mind that if OM got a taste of the “real” Mme that he’d realize what a nasty piece of work she really was and dump her.

    As a “reward” – Mme rented me a copy of the recently released DeadPool movie which I had been wanting to watch. Yeah – a movie where two people spend a lot of time joyfully screwing each other. I still am triggered by that damned thing.

    She drove off, followed by a sad message from me assuring her that I still loved her.

    I left her alone for the weekend but by Sunday noon I was wondering if she was going to come back so I texted asking “if” she was coming back. And since I’m a chump of the first water, asking what she wanted me to cook for dinner. Eventually I got a reply suggesting that I make BBQ sausages – one of my more favourite things. Go Me! She eventually showed up – looking stressed but not at all remorseful and went in the house and started cooking fried onions. Something I knew she didn’t like. When I asked, she said that she was doing it special for me – hey – a crumb!

    This was probably the most difficult weekend of my life. Worse than D-Day itself.

    I’m well over 3 years out now and like to believe that I’m at Meh. I’ve not heard from Mme in years and the divorce has been final for some time. I’ve – largely rebuilt a life and am even dating in recent times. Life without her is better than life with her.

    But it wasn’t a smooth path to get there. Stay strong fellow chumps even when you mess up. Believe in yourself.

    BT

    • That damn Deadpool movie! The Dickhead and I were going to see the second knew when it came out in May 2018. We separated in April. He loved that movie and I’ve probably seen it over 25 times. I haven’t watched since

  • Senior Army Officer – with 5 degrees – kindly offered to write me a Letter of Recommendation for a job search. This was after being out of the job market for 18 years tending to HIS whims and needs (and those of the Army).

    Happy to report that I did * NOT * take him up on his offer, but it bothers me to this day that I spent any time at all even considering it.

  • In mediation I agreed to pay for 50% of his Chemical assessment which he was court ordered to do. I ended up not having to pay for it because he wasn’t happy with 50% he wanted me to pay 100% since he didn’t think he had a problem.. mind you he was court ordered because of DWI…. How lame I was to even offer to pay any of it!!!

  • Yeah … the day after my ex arrived home from his 2 month holiday in Paris, as he snored, exhausted, spreadeagled on our marital bed, I seriously considered doing his washing. I also considerately waited until he woke up that afternoon before politely telling him I was glad he had a great holiday, and I was leaving now because he was abusive. Then I ran like a rabbit to my car packed ready with my youngest son and a last few odds and ends and took off to my ready and waiting new home before he had even got out of bed. I was so SCARED of him. I went total NC 18 months later when I finally realised how very entitled and boundary-overstepping my XH was despite our being divorced. NC is amazing for your inner peace and a real help in reinforcing that boundaries are for your comfort, not anyone else’s.

  • I recently ran across an ill-advised letter to Jackass, written before I found CL, before I had heard of NO CONTACT, but after he did the full discard.

    Just…. ugh. Don’t send a letter, email, cute post, Facebook message, or text. Just…don’t. You’ll regret forever saying, “I will always love you.”

    Because NOPE. Once I figured out what he was, he repulsed me.

    • I didn’t find CL until 6 months after he moved out. Earlier, when I was still fighting to “save” our marriage for the sake of the kids, I thought I had to forgive him so that we could move forward. I sent him an “I forgive you” email, and I really wish I didn’t. Of course, it was not sincere at all…more of an exercise for myself. And it made no difference in our relationship. Yet still, I did it. I never, ever, ever want to come across that email again.

      That was over 3 years ago. Today, meh is a blissful state of being. I don’t forgive him, but I also don’t carry around that pain and anger anymore. I simply have zero desire to invest any of my mental energy into a black hole of a human. 🙂

  • After Mr. Sparkles moved out to prove to the OW that we were really getting divorced (he never filed, I did 12 months later)… he would offer to come over and have dinner with me and the kids and then stay to watch a movie with me after they went to bed… on the nights his OW was with her kids. Yup. I did that.

    It was about 10 months after he moved out, I invited him over to discuss the divorce. Instead, we polished off a couple bottles of wine, watched Jersey Boys, he flirted all night with me while the OW was texting him (which he ignored). He left around 1AM and we never discussed the divorce. A few nights later when we were having a fight about moving the divorce forward, he challenged me with this remark: “You don’t want a divorce. I could’ve fucked you the other night.” BOOM – that did if for me. I realized he was/is a person with severe mental health (NPD) issues.

    I filed almost exactly after 12 months from the final D-day and went grey rock (we share custody) and have never looked back.

  • My epic chump failure came three months into the *dating* relationship. He had planned a romantic weekend – wouldn’t tell me where we were going, only how to pack. So I packed accordingly, including snacks for a road trip, to then shortly arrive at the airport. How exciting! How romantic!

    We flew to his hometown of Chicago – not to visit family but to stay in a downtown hotel since it was the winter holiday season. Small-town girl that I am, I was enchanted by all of it – the big city, first time riding a public transit system, first cab…all the sights! I was mesmerized.

    At the end of the weekend and walking through the airport terminal, as we arrived at the security check he paused and then handed me my ticket. It was the first time that I learned that I would be making the return trip home alone. It was 9 PM, the flight was leaving, and there was no time for any real conversation. I was likely too stunned anyway. I remember him saying something about thinking I was a strong and independent women…that I would be ok with this. I cried the whole flight home.

    It was 11:30 PM when I landed and there was an unexpected, unusual snow on the ground. It was in that moment that I realized – since I had not driven, didn’t park – I had no clue where my car was. I rode the trams through all of the parking lots until my intuition said, “this stop”…and then I got off and walked the aisles. Angels were watching over me that night.

    I didn’t answer his first call when he checked on me; I shouldn’t have answered the second. I should have simply disappeared from his life forever and saved myself the next 20 years of the same kind of mind-fuckery. (Looking back, I’m sure he probably had another girl and exciting plans waiting.) But I also now own a beautiful home outright, have a nice alimony check each month, and over half of his pension for the rest of my life. I also say “fuck” a lot more. So all was not lost.

    • I am so sorry that you endured this
      Hugs
      On the other hand i am elated that you are far away from a loser and have a great chance on an amazing life
      Go get it sister

    • Wow, that is sick. What a freaking sicko weirdo he is!!!

      That tops my X-cheater over our last Christmas visit to our families during Wreckonciliation. He was trying to fly home without me but couldn’t get a ticket.

      –What weirdo’s

  • After almost 4 intense years together, she said that we should try dating other people (it was the first “true love” experience for both of us). I, of course, didn’t want to lose her and said she could try dating someone else if she felt she was “missing” something, but that I had no interest in dating another woman. She finally stated that it “…was over.” However, she wanted a favor from me. Her parents (with whom she was still living) thought the world of me and she didn’t want them to know she dumped me until she was established in her own home. I played that role for nine months. It wasn’t until years later that I found out she had screwed one of her teachers – BEFORE the “date other people” speech.

  • I “dated” H after move out for 3 YEARS (WTH was wrong with me). He moved to his mothers to “find himself” and he “absolutely would not be seeing OW” and he “just needed time to find himself”. He also promised he was in individual therapy because he didn’t want a divorce, he just wanted us to start over.

    Ummm, lie, lie and more lies.

    Asked him after a date if he was ready to move back home. He needed “more time”. That was my “aha” moment, finally. Luckily I had long since gotten those ducks in a row and had him served the next week. And poor pathetic him was shocked that I had him served

    Got my ass back in therapy to figure out why I allowed this. Something I still haven’t forgiven myself for.

  • I’m not going to win any contest for this, but after we were separated (but living in the same house, separate rooms because he was afraid he’d somehow “lose claim on the house” if he went and stayed with a friend ’til he could find an apartment 🙄) I started trying to be as gray rock as possible. I hadn’t found CL yet but I knew that was the only way I would be able to just get through my days for a while. But I would hear him come in late at night all fumbling around with his keys, drunk as crap, and I would sit there in my room and sob, halfway hoping he would come in and comfort me, and I know he could hear me. Gross, it seriously makes me ill to think of myself during that time.

    Later, after he had moved out, we were still in contact regarding child visitation, and some financial things. But other than that, no contact. I had to try to get a refund for an upcoming tropical vacation we were going to take for our five-year wedding anniversary, because I’m the dummy who booked it and who hung onto it hoping we would reconcile for a few weeks. I did manage to get a full refund though it took sobbing hysterically on the phone with the airline and basically telling them the story of my D-Day until the poor terrified customer support person gave me the refund. Criiiiinge.

    One thing my ex tried to “demand” from me was that I give him half of the refund for our trip. I respond to him via email that no, I had paid for the full reservations and I would receive the refund. Next time he came for visitation, he said “You *are* going to give me half of that trip refund because that’s half mine” and I just lost it. I screamed at him that after everything I gave him, he should owe me tens of thousands of dollars and that I was disgusted that he even had the audacity to ask for this, knowing that he had been cheating on me THE ENTIRE TIME WE PLANNED THE TRIP. I yelled at him, chased him down the stairs and out the front door, and yelled at him to get out of my yard.

    Then when I emailed my lawyer about this, she was like “lol I’ll just send an email to his lawyer pointing out all the things you’ve recently paid for out of YOUR paycheck for him” (so many things, but a very recent expensive beer brewing certification training comes to mind) “while he’s been unemployed, and note that you would be delighted to give him half of this refund if he reimburses you for all of these expenses.” And we got zero response, and my ex never brought up the refund again. lollllllll 😂

  • Before I learned about my XH’s affair, he told me he was “done” with our marriage because our relationship was “toxic.” Little did I know then that “toxic” was actually code for “impediment to sexy times with the Artist-Whore.” I begged him to try to make things work, and when he refused, suggested that we build a tiny house for him in the backyard so we could still be a family after the divorce. I also offered to pay for the construction. Serious, advanced-level Paltrow-conscious uncoupling bullshit right there.

    Two years later–and almost 10 months since the divorce was final–I’m definitely not at meh yet, but the fact that I don’t have a deadbeat XH living in a tiny house on my property is one of the many, many things I’m grateful for in my post-cheater life.

  • I pick-me danced by sending serial cheater ex an expensive bouquet of flowers and love note of forgiveness after finding cheater in bed with affair partner. Serial cheater ex PROMISED ME it was over and they weren’t spending time alone together. The florist called me when they tried to deliver the flowers because serial cheater wasn’t home because the two were together probably fucking.

    I wish I could say I left after that. No, I stayed another 5 years after that and learned about at least 8 other affair partners. *rolls eyes*

    • I thought I was the only one who sent flowers to the cheater after I caught him out on a date with a newly divorced whore.

      Two day after D-day, my girlfriend came over and brought me flowers. The cheater came home from work and said, “I wish someone would buy ME flowers.” He said this all sad sausage like. The very next day, I sent a beautiful Fall flower arrangement to him at work.

      At the time I had no idea how much control he had over me. He should have been buying ME flowers and begging for forgiveness. But as usual, he’s the one who was wronged even though he was the one WHO DID ALL THE WRONG!

      • Martha,

        I feel like I completely get where you are coming from and I’m so sorry he did this to you! They are such psychotic manipulators!

        As for my response, I try to just write it off as “mistakes were made.”

        • Marissachump,

          I’m so sorry for what he did to you too and I 100% agree with your comment that they are psychotic manipulators. It’s not until we are totally away from them that we can see them for who they are and for how they manipulated us. It’s good that Chump Lady asks us to share the mistakes we made after D-day(s). I felt so stupid that I sent him flowers. It was a total kibble fest for him I’m sure. Oh, well. We learned some big lessons that’s for sure.

  • Wow, this is a hard Friday Challenge. Hard to look back and see what an absolute needy coward and suck-up I was.
    The first DDAY that involved a long-term affair of two years with a MOW (at that point we had been married for 20 years with 3 kids; 8, 14 and 17), and I agreed to go out for drinks with them both (I didn’t drink at the time, someone had to be the sober parent and he was never going to be that).
    He had already moved in with her and her kids, as her husband kicked her out of their house. He never called me or asked to talk to our kids. I never tried to call him, either. I thought the next time I would see or speak to him would be in divorce court. But he did call one night to ask me out; he wanted me to meet the skank. I’m sure he thought I would like her. Hahahahaha. The only thing I had in common with her were the STDS she was so kind to share with me.
    I was talked into drinking that night with them; first drink at 38 years old. One margarita and I was throwing up and very inebriated. She was rip-snorting drunk and said some pretty atrocious things that proved that she was not only a lying skank, but was also pretty stupid (like she couldn’t wait for OUR KIDS to meet, I could move into her dumpy apartment and she could move into MY house, she would want to redecorate some since my taste was different from hers but she would keep my furniture, blah blah blah). Uh, no skank. I saw your shitty apartment with the tacky homemade crafts (lots of badly done Jesus cross-stitch, what a great christian woman) and cheap ugly furniture. Truly a case of she wanted my husband AND my life. Maybe I could help you move, paint, whatever. 😱
    That night he was angling for a three way; cheater, skank and me. Even drunk, NO FREAKING WAY was I going to get in bed with those two diseased pieces of human waste.
    Unfortunately for him (and me I later realized), the skanky MOW cheated on him and he moved back home. I was so happy to have him back. WTF?! I proceeded to naked pick-me dance for the next few months, until he resumed his total lack of interest in having sex with me. Of course he was back to cheating, and I was just stupid enough not to believe that he would deliberately hurt me that way again.
    I was wrong about that. He barely slowed down for the next 25 years. Many STDS, lonely nights and abusive behaviors followed.
    At least I didn’t cave into doing something that was totally misaligned with my values by having sex with the two of them. Although I did do some iffy (icky) sex stuff to “win” him back later. You know, he needed consoling after his “heart” was broken by her infidelity.
    Looking back, I should have never picked up the phone and accepted his invitation to go out with the happy couple. I should have let the call go to voicemail and deleted the message without listening. Me agreeing to go out with them just proved to him that I would do (almost) anything he asked me to do, and cemented his belief that he was so wonderful that I would eat shit sandwiches for him no matter what. Lesson learned the very hard way. Never break no-contact.

  • Afraid I might have future one next week. I will see him for the first time in almost a year for final court date. Have been no contact except for some emails regarding divorce. Of course I get the please forgive me as well. How do I stay strong? don’t want to breakdown in front of him and I have a hard time being unkind. It sounds so ridiculous. I’ll never understand after so many years with someone how they can do something like this. I know… Stop trying to untangle the skein

    • For the final court date, do you have a lawyer? Or you could bring a relative or friend that hates your STBX’s guts. They can run interference and you can start prepping yourself now to stay composed for next week. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass about receiving forgiveness from you. He needs something from you now or maybe he figures he might need you down the road so he has to manipulate. If you have a hard time being unkind just say nothing and I mean nothing. Do not respond. Good luck.

      • You definitely don’t have to betray your values by being unkind! Look up grey rock on this site and Google; also really helpful is an article on “Medium Chill” on the Out of the Fog site. It’s not about being unkind, it’s about being uninterested and uninteresting. “Wow.” “Bummer.” “Huh.” if he tries to talk to you. Bringing a bozo buffer is a great idea too, as KB22 suggested. Good luck!

    • You don’t have to be unkind. Be polite and civil, customer service grey rock, but be honest to yourself. I doubt he really wants your forgiveness, he just wants to feel better about himself because it can’t be that bad if you forgive him. If you don’t want to answer a question like that you don’t have to. He has no rights over you anymore and “No” is a complete sentence – you do not have to explain yourself. Him asking for anything from you now is him asking you to be vulnerable, don’t ever do that for him again, sweetie. CN has your back ❤❤❤

    • You’re gonna be great!
      Remember how much it hurt & use that energy to stick up for all you deserve.

      I wore rubber bands on my wrist to snap my arm should my mind/memory get in the way. Kinda worked.

      This is a big step towards your new life!

      • I did it!! Went gray rock… screenshot your advice to read before and rubber band my wrist. Exchange pleasantries mostly on his end and used No as complete sentence when he tried to go further. Thank you CN!

        • Bo

          My sister told me early on to have a list right by the phone so I would be ready. She has never gone through this but the genius of her statement saved me and still does.

          I carry my lists in my pocket so they are always on hand.

          I like the rubber band idea – to snap me back into shape – ie wake me up when my brain begins to wander into unwanted territory.

  • I was still in the “pick me” phase……took my ex-bitch (she was banging my cousin) to the Patriots AFC championship game…she had to ask her affair (projectile puke) partner if it was okay to go. Yes, I allowed this to happen….that was then though.

    BTW, Patriots won a trip the the Superbowl that day so all in all, I came out ahead.

  • I apologized to him for NOT getting the abortion he wanted me to get…and he actually accepted it!! No counter apology or anything. All he said was “I no longer hate you as much as I used too”. Gosh I was an idiot then.

  • Oh there are so many chummy options to choose from….I’ll just share one

    Filing taxes last minute was the standard, but Post divorce we were both shocked to get a massive bill for underpayment of our last year of marriage. We had to come up with a huge sum of money in just a few days. Despite the fact that I had always claimed 0 exceptions so they took out more and he claimed 2 so his take home paycheck would be more (Aka make him feel better at making less than me), and despite the fact that he put his divorce money into building a luxury loft office he moved into so he had zero bills (everything a company cost) no car no rent, no water, no garbage no cell phone no kids to raise. I OFFERED TO SPLIT THE BILL 60/40 because I made more money and thought the underpayment was my fault, and LOANED HIM his portion interest free (money I borrowed).

    A long time later our former tax guy sent his company taxes from that year to the family email we used to use with him and it turned out Shock of all shocks. That the second we got divorced his company became profitable (how convenient) and our personal taxes were through the roof that last year because the company earning had been passed to our personal taxes. Fucker knew it the entire time while making his standard sad sausage face and shrugging his shoulders like a confused victim.

    So after cheating on me and fucking me over in about 10 different ways the POS was having me pay his company taxes AND paying 60% of it AND loaning him the part he couldn’t pay himself.

    Once I knew/had proof he paid me back. All of the company portion but I still paid the 60/40 split on the part that was rightly our responsibility because I was the stupid chump who had offered that. And despite him being a socio I’m a person of my word and it was worth a few thousand dollars to remind myself to NEVER EVER get duped by him or anyone else again.

  • He demanded that i apologize to the OW because I told HER HUSBAND about their affair…and I wrote her an apology email…OMG UGH!

  • A few months after Princess Sluterella moved out, she had to work on Thanksgiving. I felt sorry for her, so I invited her to come eat dinner with the kids and me. I worked all day on cooking, my first time cooking Thanksgiving dinner.
    She had the gall to actually complain that one of the side dishes wasn’t to her liking.

  • Where do I start?

    I spent six months separating our stuff; helping her pack boxes of mail-order wine, schlepping enormous quantities of custom nail polish and carefully packing her clothes into those “stackable” plastic storage bags. We had shared a storage unit, and I would spend hours after long, long nights at work carefully separating and organizing her things. I wanted to be the adult during our breakup.

    I also did the work of separating all of our financial connections, that took over a year. On the bright side, my monthly bills dropped by over $400; that was nice. I had paid all our bills myself; she didn’t work for almost 10 years, and I wanted to be the adult.

    I averted my eyes and kept my mouth shut for 18 miserable months, every time we would pass each other in the halls where we both worked. And when she would canoodle with her new boyfriend, right across the hall from my work-station. Again, I wanted to be the adult.

    Okay; I think the worst was the night before I underwent emergency surgery on my colon. While the risk of death wasn’t overwhelming, I was notified that it was a considerable risk. When shit goes into blood, things can go very badly, very quickly. I texted her and asked her to come and see me… just in case, you know? Worse yet, I told her *I* was sorry about everything that had gone wrong between us. Because I wanted to be the adult, even if I had to die in the process. And, because I didn’t know if I could handle that without her. for years she was my rock, until the night she ran off with some asshole.

    And of course, at the start of all this madness, I immediately forgave her. Because I wanted to be the adult.

  • Oh, the shame. I let him stay in the house on multiple occasions when he would come to pick up his belongings. I let him snuggle with me in bed when he was sick with a dental abscess. I took him to the doctor, then to the ER when the pain was too bad. I had sex with him one more time after D-Day. He had the gall to say that we shouldn’t be doing it, but he was the one who approached me! I even told him I still loved him. I gave him gas money. I put money in his checking account when he over drafted. I did his laundry. I packed everything in the house and basement that was his. I wish I could be 100% no contact, but he still has one more load of stuff to get out of the house and workshop. I think the worst thing is that now he is invading my dreams. I’ve had a couple of dreams in which we reconcile. I don’t want that, but I don’t know how to make it stop.

    • I recently had a reconciling nightmare too. I was horrified when I woke! In it, his girlfriend came over while we were eating dinner and said she was so glad we’d gotten back together (vomit)… she then proceeded to try and touch me inappropriately (shudder vomit) and I recoiled. At that point I woke with my heart racing and I’m pretty sure I was shouting NO in my sleep. That he invades my dreams, has me trying to work out how to evict him from my head.

      You are not alone!

  • Reading these is sobering. I’ve got a list of chumpy shameful moments I now wish I could go back & undo. They include: 1. Naked pick me dancing for 12 months after Dday. 2. Looking after our daughter each weekend whilst he went out on dates. 3. Doing his laundry during in house separation. 4. Pitying him when he was sad that we were separating. 5. Waiting up for him to get home from a date because I was worried he’d drink & drive & I wanted to make sure he got home safe. 6. Arranging MC because I didn’t want US to hurt EACH OTHER anymore. 7. Dropping Christmas presents off at his house, after I moved out, for him & all his family. 8. Making a photo album of all the years (including our wedding photo) to give to him for father’s day because he wouldn’t have any family pictures when I left. 9. Buying a wedding anniversary gift the year we separated “just in case” he remembered and got me one or wished me a happy anniversary. 10. Staying in our bed for 12 months after Dday because he said I could and he didn’t want me to be uncomfortable.

    My gosh! Writing it down is cathartic, just knowing how stupid it sounds! Never again!!!!

    • OTEDay,

      I was just talking to a friend this evening trying to explain the craziness of being a chump. She is single.
      She was married for about 5 minutes in her early 20’s and, after the divorce, she has remained single to this day; she is now in her mid-60’s. She cannot even begin to comprehend what being a chump is like and I told her I am a chump and still can’t comprehend what it is like myself 🙂

      What you have written above I never would have understood a few years ago. I would have thought you were crazy….Well, now I understand and I did many similar things myself. It still boggles my mind.

      I was with the x for over 30 years and I wonder how long it will take for this to really sink in but, to be honest, I feel like I will go to my grave still baffled by MY behavior. Who cares about trying to untangle their ball of fuckedness – I have my own ball to deal with 🙂

      The latest crazy thing that has popped up for me is that I realized a part of me cares about his opinion of me – like I still have to try to be perfect in his eyes. The stuff I did for decades trying to be worthy of his love – which never happened by the way; no surprise there. Now if that isn’t crazy, I don’t know what is.

      My friend couldn’t understand it and I told her not to worry because I can’t either and I don’t take it personally anymore due to knowing I am not alone in this madness. Betrayal does have its humorous side after all. 🙂

      Thank you for sharing your chump moments.

  • The ex always travelled for work, so I never got to go anywhere because I was stuck at home with the kids. He made a big deal about ‘allowing’ me to go away for a weekend for a friends birthday. Found out 3 years later that the OW spent the weekend in my house, in my bed, and with the kids while I was gone.

  • There’s so many to choose from, the first one that come to mind is the day he left (Mother’s Day), I was sobbing, a slobbery mess. He was going through the house grabbing things to put in his truck without asking me. He smirked as he walked past me and remarked that I was pathetic and said that he looked forward to seeing me living on skid row. I went and found a box and packed it with toilet paper, paper towels, sheets, towels, toiletries, soap and anything I could think of that would make his move to a new apartment more comfortable.
    I cringe at the thought of how Chumpy I was. I had lost all self respect.

    • ((((Britt))),
      I have read many of your posts and I marvel at your strength.
      I truly understand how painful it is witness our precious children suffer because of how they are treated by a narc like parent.
      We can only do our best, day by day, loving our child with all of our heart.
      Even in their struggles, a child knows who truly loves them with all of their heart.
      The most painful moments are when that doesn’t just seem to be enough.
      Stay strong dear CN friend.
      ❤️

  • and today back I think of his behavior and reaction to my pain after shattering my world knowing all that I had sacrificed and did for him over the years I see him as a despicable human being. He’s hurt not only me but my parents who loved him like their own, his son, his father’s verbal abuse and demeaning “jokes” and parental alienation. Our son suffers from a lack of self esteem, he will never live up to his potential. It’s painful to see my sons peers succeeding in their careers while my son is working menial jobs. Most parents want their child to be successful, not my sons father. He has done absolutely nothing positive to guide our son. He has no respect for me so anything I suggest or help isn’t taken seriously.
    If I had known Satan was capable of such ruthless, cruel behavior I would have never had anything to do with him. I married an imposter.
    I regret the day we met. I will always regret having a child with him. My son deserved better.

    • Brit,
      You do deserve better and your son deserves better. Unfortunately you have to fill that gap for him. As much as you didn’t want a child with him, you do have a child in need to give him the best that you have…Because if the fuckwit isn’t stepping up… You’re all HE has!

  • So back when I was in the pick me dance and trying re-consolation 🤮 he stayed part of the night and then asked me if I had any cash, he was really broke, agh! Like the chump I am, I wrote out a check and left it on the kitchen counter. He said, I won’t use it unless I really have to. He fucking cashed that check in two days. He makes twice as much as I do and I’m the one paying the mortgage while he’s in a carefree apartment! I can’t believe I did that!

    • I carried on looking after his DS4 for over a year while he was cheating with his ex, DS4’s mother. I really took my pickmedance seriously during wreckonciliation.

  • Well, there was the hysterical trauma-bonding sex so many of us regret from false reconciliation. Worst. Sex. Ever. Consensual and yet looking back feels like I was emotionally raped. Totally humiliating.

    Also during false reconciliation **thanked her** for hiding her affairs for so many years because it kept our family together and now gave us a chance to heal our marriage. #SoConsiderate

    Then after I (finally) filed for divorce, I mowed her half-acre yard for several months, even when it was 100 degrees. #GetBusyYardBoy

    Then I dog-sat her large, newly-adopted hyperactive shelter puppy while she flew cross country to visit a married boyfriend. While puppy had parvo, needed regular medication, AND WAS BLEEDING FROM ITS ASS. #MetaphorMuch?

    SMDH. Know your worth, CL.

    • Ugh the HB was the worst sex ever. I think about some of it and it feels so disgusting now, even though at the time it felt like we were “connecting” again. Emotional raping for sure.

  • 2 years after divorce was final, DD and I are shopping on Amazon and notice the “suggested items” were not our typical boring amazon purchases. A scroll down shows “recently viewed items” of s&m sex paraphernalia, bondage looking apparel that you absolutely cannot even call lingerie, etc… (You truly can buy anything on Amazon these days apparently.) I was so mad! Cheap bastard who had 4 to 5 x the the salary as me had continued to use my amazon account. It sucked seeing his satin sheets, gifts for whore, bribes for whore’s daughter (when his kids get nothing from him financially.) But, dealing with him is a nightmare and there weren’t really that many orders so I’d ignored it before. This pushed all the buttons however. I took some deep breaths, sent a very professional email saying I needed to change my password and it’s best for him to get his own account as kids and I share account and was quite proud of my handling of it. He put 2 and 2 together, deleted the search history and wrote back a rage filled diatribe that said I was interfering w/ his ability to have a relationship w/ DD and I legally agreed to nurture their relationship, plus some financial threats…. BS deflection word salad stuff. (She has never spent a night there since over a year BEFORE the divorce, sees him 3-4 x per year for a quick meal and he shows for photo op moments in her life occasionally. ) I choose to ignore this baiting again so very proud of my growth and journey towards meh…. THEN he starts texting me more rage BS. (We only email for communication and that’s very rare because I greyrocked after the divorce and he eventually got it that I don’t respond to non-important kids stuff.)

    Coincidentally my sister texts me in the midst just checking in. I fire off a text to her, through angry vision-blurring tears that I’ll have to get back later because I’m dealing w/ asshole right now and go into a therapy dump rant about him, like awful things including why doesn’t he just die of alcoholism already, he’s fucking liar, on and on…. I’ve never outburst on him because he is totally scarry, even threatened to kill me, have me living on the streets, you’ll never see you kids again, kind of shit when we were divorcing. But I ACCIDENTALLY sent it to him instead of her!! he sent another text just before I started typing my “reply” so I unknowingly hit the wrong string to reply. I had to run to the bathroom to throw up once I’d realized it.

  • Happened 6 hours ago. I did a pre-sunrise drive-by, Parked the car in from of neighbors to walk by my former house. Neighbors were out on porch and said “Hi, Lemonhead”. WTF????

    This is actually quite painful. I needed to see if he slept at home because we’re meeting later to discuss marriage counseling homework.

    • Dawn patrol. I know it well.

      I want to begin now to stop jumping off the deepend. I need to take care of my own sanity. Take care of fairytale for once. Today I want to start looking out for myself and stop thinking about him.

  • When we first got together the cheating liar out of the blue called an ex in front of me. He put her on speakerphone but signaled me to be silent and he did not tell her I was listening in. At first she seemed delighted to hear from him but then for some reason I couldn’t make out she started to cry and he said how sorry he was for her and she cried even more and hung up. Then he told me he how sorry he was for her that he had to leave her because she was such a sad sack. Something felt very off but I couldn’t make out what so I ignored it. He seemed so kind. Right? I was such a chump. I ignored so many red flags. And… he never mentioned her before that call nor ever again in our years together.

    But that’s not my biggest chump move. My biggest was beating myself up for being a chump. Being a chump has a lot to do with how we were brought up.

    Fast forward to several years after he ghosted me. He gave me the same kind of creepy call, working up to mentioning he had someone new. I told him (and new chump?) he ghosted me years ago and if he ever contacted me again I would report him for harassment.

  • So Dingus married the Dingbat (OW). They left for a European vacation. I came home from work one day (with young daughter in tow) to find a houseplant outside my front door. I said, “what’s this?” and DD replied, “oh, that’s Daddy’s plant. He told me he wants you to water it while he’s away.”

    I am happy to say I did not water the plant. However, I did occasionally remind DD to give it water. *sigh*

    • You were my Sunday morning comics today!!!!

      Thanks–I definitely needed a laugh and that was a LOL!!!!!!

      ……….And I’m going to steal Dingus and the Dingbat (Asshat and the Whore has run it’s course now that they’re married!)

    • I would have kept the plant …but repotted it and planted a weed in his old pot before giving it back ….ahhh but thats just me 😀

  • Informed by the RIC website I belonged to, I texted him that I would always love him. And some more blah blah blah thoughtfully constructed to be facilitative of his eventual inevitable return home.

    Barf.

    I was wrong.

    I forgive myself.

  • Stephanie,

    I am a RIC dropout too and reading yours story I had to chuckle. If I had only know what I know now the money I could have saved.

    LACFAL cost a pittance in comparison to all the RIC literature….and the heartache. Lies have a high price tag. The truth, Tracy’s book, does not. 🙂

    Well worth the cost and why I put it into neighborhood lending libraries now – an idea I found here on CN to help get the message out to fellow sufferers.

    • Good to spread the CN word.

      I know the RIC means well and I did find comfort and understanding there before Chump Lady launched in 2012. She changed my life. CN, too ❤

  • He had left the family home …saying he was just depressed …there was no other woman …i had been trying to give him space ….and as he lived on the other side of town i never expected to see him when i was driving home from dropping our son off at uni …..when he passed me going in the other direction…with a female passenger (this was news to me ) ….so i turned the car around and followed …..he saw me and tried to out run me so i wouldnt see ….which was kinda laughable as my his car was a very slow suv versus my very qujck sports car …..however….it didnt matter i was about to turn around anyways as i didnt want to drive in an unfamiliar area ……so i turned off the motorway….a few hours later he rang and challenged me on as to why iwas following him ….i just denied it….give him a mindfuck right back…..i know i followed him …he knows it too ….but it gives me great satisfaction no to admit it …..just like all the times he wouldnt admit to things….it still pisses him off to this day …it makes me smile 😂

  • Two weeks after catching h iner with boytoy And her falling all over herself with everything but a direct apology..we decided she should take a weekend sabbatical to determine what she deemed important in life..her paramour or her home , family , and husband…she left for the weekend and returned..two weeks later I find a camera in her car and get the film developed…she took sparkledick to a regional amusement park for the weekend while I sat at home with our 2 and 4 year old…the end .. literally.

  • He ghosted me on Valentine’s Day, disappearing, yet staying in the same town for a few months. I came to find out that was because he was waiting for his Visa to arrive so he could abscond overseas with Satan’s Mistress. He said he was leaving, walking out—giving no me explanation. I had no idea where he was even staying.

    Complicating all this was the fact that we worked together. He was the IT guy for the medical practice where I was the CEO. Although he was still contracted there, once he left me he refused to darken the door of my practice, leaving 70+ users without the support we’d contracted him to provide. He did, however, continue to come into the medical office building every day and support users in the other practices, where I had gotten him similar contracts through my introduction and based on my recommendation.

    Essentially everyone in the building knew all the scuttlebutt. They all knew that he’d left me. They knew how he did it (blindsiding me), and that I didn’t even have an idea where he was staying. In other words, they all knew how tortured I was, yet no one would talk. You talk about being awkward! The gaslighting and whispering was epic. In essence I had to go to work every day in a building where everyone I passed in the hallway or on the elevator knew more about what was going on in my life than I did.

    So, one of my most regrettable fails—and there were so many!—came a few months later at tax time. After all his playing Secret Agent Man (being MIA and maintaining No Contact), Stupid Pollyanna here—wanting to show my unconditional love—agreed via text to met him at the tex preparers’ office. I was cordial, AND I paid for the tax preparers fees AND for his residual taxes!

    He worked on a 1099 basis, and had been converting his monthly checks to cash after he received them. So, to save our bacon at joint-filing time, I was the responsible one, withheld MASSIVE amounts of extra taxes throughout the year.

    My Little Darling had been taking his cash and using it to buy gold that he had been squirreling away in a locked suitcase—something I only learned when he pulled his James Bond metal case out from under the bed when he was leaving. I knew it was there, but thought it was one of his handguns—which I was happy to keep locked up and never touch.

    Oh what a dunce I was! That red light you see pulsing? That’s my face, still red from the embarrassment of being such an idiot!

    • PPike,

      A good example of ambiguous grief. Rage at all that was done during the gaslighting/get-away stage on top of grief due to loosing our spouses unexpectedly in horrific ways and the relief that they are indeed gone and out of our lives ONCE divorce is final and we can go NC.

      A big consolation for me is that I know I am not the only one.

      Thanks for sharing.

      Oh, something I tell myself: “WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS”

      Also, “I made a mistake. I am not a mistake.”

    • Page Pike,
      I am late reading today ( and started from the bottom up). Just want to say YOU are NOT an idiot.
      Chumps tend to be good, trusting people. Cheaters definitely tend to break the trust, and therein lies the great difference.
      Don’t beat yourself up. You have learned from this and will no doubt go forward.
      The people, all the people who quietly observed but said nothing, you don’t need them. They are not your kind of people.

      You are left with your integrity, with your own personal true grit. Continue to go forward. You can do it!
      Many hugs to you.

  • Yes, I agree, made mistake vs am a mistake is important to differentiate. But oh my … it took a good while for me to accept how someone (me) who was otherwise intelligent and competent (I managed a $16M practice for Pete’s sake!) could get hoodwinked so badly. But I guess he had decades to observe me. He knew I’d be the responsible one. I’d proven that.

    I later found out that apparently he’d been having_–hmmm, let me put this nicely—‘more than a business relationship’ with an administrator in another practice in the building. Funny how the same folks who would not talk before, suddenly ‘felt it was their responsibility’ to inform me about his close relationship with this other manager—but not until he’d already left the country with Satan’s Mistress.

    It was all so very bizarre. After he was across the ocean, this same manager continued paying him to do remote support for her group via the internet, leaving him with access to the shared IT infrastructure, which he just-so-happened to have personally installed and configured when we built the building. A third party IT consultant I hired after he was gone took me to the wiring closet and showed me how my connection was ‘somehow” routing through the other practice’s system. The long and short of it that he had access to all my emails, all my employer’s emails, all my staff’s emails, etc., long after he was no longer in the country.

    Another big mistake and regret is that I wish I’d taken my last few shekels (before I went on to lose everything) and lawyered up to protect myself.

    Listen to Chump Lady. Do this BEFORE anything else, no matter how bad you’re hurting. Grieve laster—-AFTER your visit with the attorney.

    • That is so annoying that they knew!

      After we divorced people came out of the woodwork to tell me all sorts of awful things, additional affairs, Las Vegas hookers, etc. Why the hell didn’t they tell me earlier?!?! I will never understand that. 25 year relationship, 20 of it married at D day. He was a serial cheater w/ a double life from day 1, people knew all those years and didn’t say anything until I’d wasted my entire youth and finally found out and divorced him. Pisses me off to no end!

  • I’m so grateful to have found this group! I realize I’m still a work in progress after 24 years of trying not to make the ex mad, to keep the peace and to pretty much placate things. I’m not in the same place I was so I can see how I was chumpy with some of the things I did.

    After DDay, I packed up all this things from the bedroom/bathroom area with the help of a friend. She wanted to cut his long sleeve shirts, one arm off of each, LOL! I wouldn’t let anything happen to any of his things and we neatly packed everything away and put his shirts in the other room in an organized manner.

    At some point we had a conversation in the car of which he told me the past month had been rough and it was hard to take all my ‘rage’ and snarkiness. Yes, I was emotional and very upset having found him in the spare bedroom with a friend so I was having a hard time. I apologized to HIM about my not being nice. As I got out of the car, where I had been bawling thru the whole conversation, I thought, what did you just say?!?! Un.Believable. I’ve received zero apologies from him throughout this whole ordeal.

    I furnished his whole house that he moved into. Granted most of it was stuff I didn’t mind to part with, but some of it I did to help him get set up. Now, each time I think Oh, I should give this to Blah, I put it down and know that I have given him enough!

    If I felt I had done something that wasn’t ‘fair’ to us both, I tried to make it up to him. Him…..he doesn’t care how things turn out for me, just as long as they benefit him.

    I’ve come a long way but still have work to do. CL and CN has gotten me thru the hardest times. I’m 8 months in, mediation is done and now just waiting for final papers. I was Not done well in the mediation settlement but really just want to be done. I’m not as chumpy as I was by any means, I’m as NC as I can be with a child and as GR as my personality allows. My heart is too good for him and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

  • I did a might GTFO day on Dday…then proceeded to chump it up two weeks later. Helped him take all our major furniture to his new place a town away, which admittedly I was having him help me clear out the house for rent too but I gave him everything. Hysterical bonding sex while we were separated. Just ugh

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