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‘The Other Woman Is Taunting Me’

Dear Chump Lady,

The other woman is taunting me!

She’s been in an affair with my husband for over 18 months now, and I’ve asked her numerous times to leave my husband alone and she refuses. My husband and I separated 12 months ago, but want to make our marriage work now, but it’s very hard when she keeps popping up.

They break up, 4-6 weeks later she gets in touch again. This is very hard on my husband, as every time his feelings get a big hit, and then she disappears, and he’s depressed again. He keeps telling me that THIS TIME it’s final, and weeks later they are in touch again. I just don’t know how to get her out of my life!

She’s a young, 32-year-old gorgeous woman, she can do so much better, why would she want him? I have asked her, and her answer was that my husband is a separated man, and that she can do what she wants. And also, that I shouldn’t control my husband as we are separated. Also, she told me she is not interested in a long-term relationship with him. She’s just in it for the fun. She just wants him for a few months and then discard him. It’s a game for her.

It’s like she’s enjoying hurting me. She knows how much it devastates me every time, but she doesn’t stop, even though I’ve asked her so many times! I just want her out of my life so my husband and I can repair our marriage. She hates me, and I feel she’s using my husband to hurt me.

What do I do to get her out of my life once and for all? Neither me or my husband want a divorce. We’ve been together for over 20 years, since we were teenagers. We have three kids. Over a hundred mutual friends. Very close families. It would rip our whole families apart. Neither of us want that. We want to repair our marriage.

Thank you.


Dear Annabelle,

“We” don’t want to repair our marriage. YOU want to repair the marriage.

I’m sorry to immediately whack you with the painful and obvious. But that’s the issue here — your husband.

Did he write me a letter? Is he up at 3 a.m. buying all the infidelity self-help books on Amazon? Is he reaching out to therapists and online chumps to over-analyze a thousand things Annabelle?

Yeah. Didn’t think so.

Oh, I totally believe you that the OW is a wingnut. However, you must stop framing this as an OW Problem and start reframing it as a Cake-Eating Douchebag problem. (We will return to How Awful the OW is momentarily.)

Now, I’m sure your husband doesn’t want a divorce. Cake eaters seldom do. But wishing to avoid a divorce, is NOT the same thing as repairing the marriage. You aren’t the first chump to confuse those two things. And I also bet your husband has had misty watercolor moments with you in which he has uttered, “I want to repair our marriage, Annabelle!” Maybe he wept it. Maybe he dripped snotty tears all over a shrink’s sofa as he said it. He doesn’t mean it.

How do I know? Because IT’S STILL ALL ABOUT HIM. And you accept his batshit crazy entitlement as totally normal.

They break up, 4-6 weeks later she gets in touch again. This is very hard on my husband, as every time his feelings get a big hit, and then she disappears, and he’s depressed again. He keeps telling me that THIS TIME it’s final, and weeks later they are in touch again. I just don’t know how to get her out of my life!

sadzIt’s very hard on HIM? Are his wittle feewhings hurt? Does he have a sadz?

He fucked you over, Annabelle! You’re the mother of his three children! He doesn’t get to destroy your life and then make it all about HIS FEELINGS about it. YOU MATTER.

The issue is NOT that the OW “enjoys hurting” you. It’s that your husband Does. Not. Give. A. Shit.

About your pain. About the commitment he made to you. About his family.

That’s the sad truth, Annabelle. He’s the Captain of Your Pain. Twinkie there is Skipper, but she could be pushed overboard the minute a new bimbo comes into view. (Land a-HO!) Please direct your fury at him.

That’s assuming you have any fury. (It’s down there, deep under many codependent chump layers. Please find it and deploy it.)

Now, back to the OW. Let’s UBT this crap.

She’s a young, 32-year-old gorgeous woman,

Yeah so? The world is full of gorgeous women. What do you propose to do about that? Cloak your husband in an impermeable gorgeous woman shield? Men with BOUNDARIES and character (which your husband lacks) notice gorgeous women, perhaps think some impure thoughts, and go home to their wives.

That’s a far cry from carrying on an 18-month long affair.

she can do so much better, why would she want him?

She can do better? No, it’s two cheaters with crap morals getting kibble contact highs off each other. Their shallow matches quite nicely.

Why would she want him? Same reason he wants her — kibbles. Narcissistic supply. An easy fuck. Thrilling feelings of deceit, triangulation, and centrality, topped off with some clandestine, sordid orgasms. Paid for at the expense of a chump’s health and welfare, but whatever.

I have asked her,

That was a mistake, Annabelle. Don’t beg the OW for your marriage or ask what makes her tick. She sucks. He sucks. Trust that they suck.

Your pain is more kibbles to them both.

and her answer was that my husband is a separated man, and that she can do what she wants.

Of course. You aren’t the Boss of Her.

Actually, she can’t do what she wants with your husband without the ASSENT of your husband. He’s giving it. THAT is your problem.

And also, that I shouldn’t control my husband as we are separated.

She has a point — you cannot control your husband. You only control YOU. He apparently cannot control himself. That’s either acceptable to you or it isn’t. It’s either okay with you that he disrespects you, lies to you, and breaks no contact, and continues his affair. Or it’s not.

You cannot make him recommit or treat you with respect or cherish and love you the way you deserve. That’s a very, very painful conclusion to draw. So instead, you’re focusing all your energies on breaking up a couple of fuckwits. Please, walk away.

Also, she told me she is not interested in a long-term relationship with him.

Well isn’t that wonderful? Let’s all be about HER needs and interests, shall we? WHO CARES WHAT SHE WANTS.

She’s just in it for the fun. She just wants him for a few months and then discard him. It’s a game for her.

Okay, she’s a wackadoodle who likes to seduce middle-aged men and then spit them out for sport. (Real OW swallow!) Your husband CHOSE this. He invited her into your life. And wants you to pick-me dance to compete with her. Shit got real with a separation, consequences loomed, now he would like to come back to a more favorable cake situation.

And you are LETTING HIM.

Examine that. This is your problem.

This one ran previously. I totally overslept! Go Nats!!!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “We’ve been together for over 20 years, since we were teenagers. We have three kids. Over a hundred mutual friends. Very close families….”

    The OP thought this was a list of reasons why her husband (as well as OP) would not want a divorce.

    It isn’t.

    It’s a list of reasons why her husband knows OP would rather endure any reconciliation pretzel-twisting, self-gaslighting, cognitive dissonance, or endless concessions rather than give him his walking papers.

    It’s a list of reasons why the husband believes he can continue this double life. A list of reasons she won’t stand firm.

    It’s the summary of a power imbalance.

    • Very much this.

      Cheating always signals an unequal power dynamic. Cheaters are very transactional people. Years of marriage, children, combined equity–that kind of stability is worth overlooking an occasional affair, right?

      By the way, the transactional nature of the cheater relationship can play out in very odd ways. For example, once I learned of the affair (I kept quiet while lining up my ducks), I could always tell when Cheater met Schmoopie for brunch. Their rendezvous was close to a butcher shop.

      He’d come home with sausages.

      You can’t make this up.

      • Ding ding ding. That’s exactly how cheaters think. They have done so much for us–married us, had children with us, taken us on vacations, that of course we will overlook their dalliances as a minor inconvenience. Hannibal Lecher banked on my forgiving his affair (turns out affairS) because I am family-oriented and would do What.Was.Best.for.the.Children. Fucker overplayed his hand, because there is not a group of services in the world that could compensate for cheating (though half his 401K was a step in the right direction).

        • I so, so much HATE that “what about the children” argument. I get this regularly, every time I don’t accede to one of my XW’s demands. And every time, I think “You know what would have been good for the children? An intact family with two parents to watch over them.”

          I understand that there’s lots of evidence that it’s better to divorce than expose kids to a broken marriage, but my marriage wasn’t broken before the AP butted in. Sure it had flaws, but no more than most and a lot fewer than many, many still-intact marriages that I could point to today. Actually, the relationship between me and XW didn’t turn toxic until after she moved out and I finally overcame my denial about the affair (and XW started making some bizarre choices about disrupting kids’ lives and exposing them to AP).

        • Yes! My cheater was the perfect self sacrificing husband. Did more housework than me, helped my kids out financially, helped me with my PhD, I could list a thousand things he did. Which he did to make himself indispensable so I would not kick him out when I found out he was a liar & cheater. He doubled down in all that when I did find out. I kicked him anyway because I deserve better

        • My ex had the nerve to say to me before he left that finally he just needed to do something for himself.

          What??? On what planet does he get to martyr himself?

          In 11.5 years of marriage. He was laid off twice. I supported him through those two career changes. Most of the years he was working, he was commuting two hours a day, leaving me to take care of the kids every morning and after school while I worked all day myself. Then, I became the sole income earner while he spent three years in full-time studies earning a university degree, his third career change. Half way through that degree is when he started messing around.

          But he needed to do something for himself. Wow!

          • OptionNoMore,

            Must be another excuse out of The Cheaters Handbook.

            Mine told me he wanted his ‘freedom’. That he had spent his whole life giving and now it was his turn to ‘do something for himself.’

            I stood there dumfounded; completely speechless which is rare for me. The feelings I felt were none I had experienced before – felt like I didn’t exist. That all I had done and sacrificed for him mattered not an iota.

            In that moment it felt like he was a complete stranger. Now I know he was. His double life had been exposed so I was seeing who he really was but didn’t know it yet.

            It was like I didn’t matter. Like I wasn’t even his wife. I experienced the same feelings when he told me he was going to therapy without me.

            Now it makes sense. Unilateral decisions. A double life. I was a wife appliance and I indeed had been discarded but didn’t realize it at the time.

            As friends said, ‘He left a long time ago.’

            To shocked to feel the blow. Puffing on the hopium pipe certain he had suffered a nervous breakdown and that I just had to be patient and he would come to his senses.

            Didn’t happen.

            With the help of friends, LACFAL, CL and CN I am coming to my senses and he is somewhere out there doing his thing. NC has improved my life beyond anything I imagined possible in those early days. What I feared most, his leaving, has been a huge blessing in disguise.

            Sometimes the Universe just has to hit me over the head with a 2 X 4.

          • OptionNoMore, it makes me think of my own wife. She stayed at home for ten years while I worked. We had four boys. I brought them to school in the morning so that she could stay on bed. I watched TV in the evening with her and then resumed work when needed when she went to bed (sleeping was an important part of her life…) I trusted her absolutely when she went dancing without me. Affair partner? You guessed it…

            Well she told me she would never be the slave of a man again. I mean I wasn’t perfect by far but I didn’t see myself as a slaver…

            • >>> sleeping was an important part of her life
              aptly describes my XW too! That and an endless supply of TV soap operas. And like you I also did the school run and went back to midnight work after she went to sleep………same cheater script as ever…

              Though, strangely enough, XW managed to put in an enormous effort when it came to her affair 😉

  • If he truly wanted to “fix” the marriage he would not be in contact every 4-6 weeks ang get his feelings hurt and then become depressed….if he truly wanted to “fix” that marriage he would have no contact, change his number and focus on you.
    It is time for you to “fix” your marriage… contact with him

    • exactly. During our very brief ‘reconciliation’ period the OW would show up everywhere we were – parties, event, his shows, and would be blowing up his phone ‘out of nowhere’. My best friend said to me, “That bitch IS crazy but she sure as hell ain’t just talking to herself”.

  • Wow just wow. The other women seems like a real nut. She has not one ounce of integrity. She is actually getting off on screwing a married man.

    Annabelle, you mentioned that the OW was attractive and 32. She could have looked like a troll and your husband still would have cheated. He cheated because he wanted to. And the 32 year old was willing and able. My cousin is not attractive at all. She actually looks like a man. Her hair is short like a man and she dresses in baggy jeans and over large sweatshirts. High maintenance she is not. But, my ex still had a 4 year affair with her. My ex was looking and Skankella was willing and able. Your husband does not want to fix your marriage. He wants a chump to hang around. Divorces are expensive and means consequences. Cheaters do not like consequences. I say let the 32 year old have him. Let her use him and discard him like he deserves. He has shown you what he thinks of you and your marriage. Believe him.

  • Well, I hope since Annabelle wrote in she pushed him overboard and divorced his sorry ass. He can paddle to the Land of the Easy Lay on his own steam.

    No one’s Wee Willie Winkie is THAT special.

    • “No one’s wee Willie Winkie is THAT special” – this is the philosophy I subscribe to! No one’s bits are magic!

    • Was just about to say the same thing! I wish we could have updates on some of these!

  • Dear Annabelle,

    I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this. But ChumpLady is right: It’s not about your cheating partner’s schmoopie, it’s about your cheating partner. As she noted:

    >You cannot make him recommit or treat you with respect or cherish and love you the way you deserve. That’s a very, very painful conclusion to draw. So instead, you’re focusing all your energies on breaking up a couple of fuckwits.

    When someone breaks your trust the way a cheating, lying spouse does, they should get MAYBE ONE CHANCE to make it right. Even then, you might not be able to trust them again. But one try, if you’re feeling charitable and they seem sincere.

    Sadly, at this point, you’re waaay past that. Your loser husband knows that you won’t enforce your boundaries, so he’s just taking you for a ride, and clearly, he cares nothing for the suffering that he is inflicting on you. The name for this is “emotional abuse” — and it hurts. The good news is that you can end it at will.

    Talk to your lawyer today and never look back. It will get better.

    Good luck.

  • This one really hit home. My ex-wife could also end up in contact with men she cheated on me with, yet claim she did nothing wrong. She accomplished this by appearing to not desire this contact, but then refusing to be rude and not respond to it. Then the men would reminisce and she would say stuff like “I don’t think it’s appropriate for a married man to be saying that stuff like that. lol”. It was always deniable. If I discovered it, she could say that she tried to discourage him from saying such things.

    The main point is that she never failed to respond! If contact is cut off, it is completely off. Also if it happens then it’s also immediately reported to the spouse. These were all secrets, because according to her “I knew you would get angry”.

    The stance I finally had to take, was that there would be zero contact. If one of these men did contact her, she was going to tell me about it immediately. Then we could decide together how to deal with it properly. If contact happened and it wasn’t reported, then I would have to assume that it was desired communication.

    That’s what finally made me leave. Her affair partner contacted her and I waited 2 weeks to see if she would tell me about it. Even though she didn’t reply during that time, she never told me.

    It’s complete and utter BS and gaslighting. It’s as if her hand is slowly pushing the cake to her mouth while she protests about being forced fed cake.

    • It just proves that cheaters cannot even begin to understand or empathise with the pain they inflict on their chumps. Mine used to say that it wasn’t his fault if his ‘ex’ OW contacted him, there are always ways and means to track somebody down, in addition to the fact he wouldn’t delete their numbers (it was his ‘private’ business don’t you know, excuse me for being a nosy loony) and I ‘just’ had to trust him. Sounds so simples. Ummm, no! It’s funny how so many of us hope that by saying ‘you MUST let me know if the OW contacts you we think they actually will, as that’s the way us rational people would deal with it. Complete and utter gaslighting as you say, they’re on a completely different wavelength that it’s such a waste of life to try to untangle (but the daaaays spent doing it :-/.

      • Precisely what I had to deal with too. Ex-wife “forgot” that affair partners were still in her contact list and we’re in her friends list on social media. They’d get removed, but then still contact her. She claimed she didn’t know she could block them.

        She also wanted me to just trust her but put very little effort in gaining my trust. She might tell me that she was running late and why on some days, and then other days would only “remember” about meetings she had at the very last moment. If I asked to see the meeting invite, she might show me. Any time I ask though, I got fussed at over my inability to get over my distrust of her.

        If someone is truly remorseful, they will go above and beyond to prove why they can be trusted again. They definitely don’t act like it’s a burden to do so.

        My ex-wife’s favorite line was “I can’t live my life under a microscope”. I should have realized that was her way of saying “I can’t help you to trust me again… you’re on your own”.

        • I think my husband and your wife were the same person. It’s impossible to reason with disordered people like that. Could you ever imagine saying the things she said to you to her?

    • My fake husband even SAID if it wasn’t her it would be someone else. He didn’t even realize he had just admitted he was a serial cheater.

      Dumb as a bag of rocks I do not need.

      As I like to say, STICK WITH THE WINNERS

      • VH,

        Mine had a similar line in regards to the OW who ended up being the ‘exit affair’.
        “If it wasn’t for her, I would still be here.”

        Oh, did I mention he was/is a serial cheater? but that didn’t come out until later – trickle truth 101
        My intro into ‘Trust That They Suck’ but I didn’t know it at the time.

        UBT#1 – ‘I would still be here fucking other women for the sheer joy of it behind your back because you are too trusting to suspect that I would ever do something like that and besides, you love me and love taking care of me and out children so much why would I subject you to being a single parent and loosing me as a wonderful husband.’

        UBT#2 – ‘Its completely okay/I am entitled to cheat on you as long as you don’t know about it…right? I’m not hurting anyone.’ (Invisibility Cloak protection plan.)

        UBT#3 – ‘It’s her fault not mine.’

        UBT#4 – ‘It is all about me and that is the way it is supposed to be. My private life is none of your business.’ (And here I thought we were a couple…apparently I got that wrong too.)

        I thought I had stuck with a winner. Talk about having to scrutinize ones life with a fine tooth comb to find out about my glaring blind spots in regards to him.

        The Truth Will Set You Free

        I didn’t even know I was being held in captivity.

        Life looks better every day now as the cobwebs in my mind dissolve whilst I shine light on my own thinking. Found out I have a damn good imagination but alas, I manufactured a husband that was too good to be true.

        • @Elderly Chump, you nailed it, right there^

          “Life looks better every day now as the cobwebs in my mind dissolve whilst I shine light on my own thinking. Found out I have a damn good imagination but alas, I manufactured a husband that was too good to be true.”

          • WOW Elderly Chump you’re very wise!! It’s been a little over 2 years since my X stormed into our home on July 4, 2017 and said he didn’t love me anymore and he wanted a divorce!!! I was so devastated and heartbroken!!! Had the rug pulled out from under me!! My head is still cleaning out the cobwebs!!! It truly gets better!! I know there’s good guys out there, but honestly after being married to that selfish Scoundrel for 27 years, I’m REALLY enjoying my singleness and independence!! So, I like to say that 4th of July 2017 was actually MY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!! Hahahahaha hahahahaha. She can put up with him when he gets older and needs diapering!! Hahahahaha hahahahaha. I’ll be on a cruise or some wonderful vacation living it up, INDEPENDENTLY!!! ????

            • Goldilocks,

              I am about a couple of weeks ‘ahead’ of you since my x dropped the bomb in June 2017.

              Life does get better doesn’t it!

              People told me it would but I didn’t believe them at all.

              It hasn’t been a cake walk and I would never wish this on anyone but just tonight I was thinking how I do enjoy being single. In many ways I feel so much more comfortable/relaxed in my own home – not worrying about him – his moods etc NEVER thought I would feel this way. Back then I couldn’t imagine my life without him since I had been with him for over 30 yrs.

              Odd, to feel so sure about that yet still have the trauma to deal with – the back stories. In my weaker moments I do miss the man I thought he was but I know that man does not exist anymore, and never really did so I really don’t know the man who is walking around in his body – a doppelgänger.

              Yep, ambiguous grief.

              • “Ambiguous grief”: that’s spot on.

                I grieve the woman I loved. Too bad she doesn’t exist.

              • I’m just at the part of not worrying about his needs , he is use to me taking care of him , but he hasn’t taken care of me for a long time , Very selfish man , all my thoughts were toward him , and what he needed to do for me , we’re separated , still in same home can aford anything else , He thinks he’s in charge, he has a rude awakening im done , it will take me some time but your words have given me hope Thank u

      • My cheater said something similar during wreckonciliation. He said he only had the one affair (lots of other betrayals) for want of opportunity. He’d go fishing for emotional connections but most women rejected him because he was married smh. Shitty character alright.

      • So true Velvet. I was told he’d never marry her and would dump her too.

        Too often the chump fall into the comparative analysis. Looks and age have nothing to do with cheating. It takes agency and multiple steps to engage in an affair.

        And once is enough.

        • “Multiple steps to engage in an affair”
          Yes, so true. A cheater takes one step at a time, toward the AP, enjoying every moment, plotting, planning.
          Meanwhile, faithful, loving, trusting, good ol, Chump, is living her/his half of the vows, totally unaware, totally trusting.

          Doingme, you always share wise words. Thank you! ❤️

          • There so sneaky they tell you one thing do the other Husband affair, relationship didn’t work out , as he said he wants to work on our relationship , all a cover story , to have his kibbles while waiting for the cake , Waiting for the next installment from OW for them to be together , I know a lot more then he thinks I know He better watch out Its my turn Now. Thanks

      • “My fake husband even SAID if it wasn’t her it would be someone else.”

        So did mine.

        Therapist said: this is not about you. It doesn’t matter who he was married to, he would have cheated. This is about his inner split.

  • Oh Annabelle i hope you can give us an update .

    I too think like you she is gorgeous ( my case 29 year old ) and what the hell does she see in him !!

    But after reading the archives and the wonderful advise of CL & CN i realise if it wasn’t her it would be someone else . Its just who they are both of them neither has any morals or standards .

  • ” Did he write me a letter?”
    As I read Annabelle’s post, I thought the same thing.

    CL, all of your advice is always so spot on, but there is always one statement that jumps out at me, and this was it.

    No, he did not write the letter, as those feelings are NOT shared by him at all. That says it all.
    Plus, he is too busy eating cake to be writing any heartfelt letters.

    Annabelle, if you are reading, let us know how you are doing.

  • You are playing the pick me dance with her. You shouldn’t talk to her. You”husband” is a fuckwit, sorry, if he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t communicate with her, she’s not competition she tells him what he wants to hear, she SAYS she doesn’t want him, I wouldn’t believe that.
    You deserve better.
    Them him you deserve better.
    Ask him if you love me why are you treating me like this.
    He’s telling you what he wants to hear.
    You need to think of yourself.
    Sorry, she probably wants to get pregnant, you can’t trust either of them.

  • What she sees in him is he’s married and she gets a power hit off “stealing” men, discarding them, rinse and repeat. The problem here is not this whackjob bitch, it’s that this jerkoff is willing to be the shampoo she rinses out and then soaps up with again. Over and over. But oh, he wants to keep the marriage, but oh, he feels some feels for Whackjob! Poor man-baby. Meanwhile, who cares about Annabelle’s feelings? Certainly not him. Not a bit. Conclusion; nothing to work with. Abort mission. Contact attorney soonest.

    CL was spot on as usual. I do hope she listened.

  • Almost 1 year out from discovery day. I was feeling really down last night (cried a lot of snotty tears) and so needed to hear this….Thanks CL!!!!! Helps give me perspective and keep me on the straight and narrow path of not untangling the skein. Have a great day!

    • The one year anniversary of my DDay was almost two months ago. It threw me for a loop, so I understand where you’re coming from. Then came the anniversary of the day he moved out of my house. That was a good day. In a week, I’ll have the anniversary of the day I went no contact. I’m looking forward to that one. Life is good : )

      • Hey @Sisu, I’m so happy to hear “Life is good :)” Shoot me a text if you want to get together irl, I’ve been thinking about you… Carry on Sister!! ((hugs))

  • If it weren’t for CL/CN and LACGAL I do not know how I would have gotten through the past 2 years. I wish I would have known about all this after DDay 1 but I didn’t and I believed I was the unicorn and my husband felt remorse and wanted to change. CL has opened my eyes and ears and I finally “GET IT”. Cheaters don’t change. Every time I have a thought about them I say “Trust they suck”…it’s my mantra! I was SO OBSESSED OVER THE OW! I still every once in awhile question it but I quickly start to refocus my attention to myself. OW and OM are exactly as CL states available and easy! My ex’s OW now wife is so damn insecure she literally has joint social media accounts and loves to plaster him all over like she won a prize. Which again, now I realize he is “NOT A PRIZE”. She won a known cheater and she will live her life and the their so called “marriage” always wondering if he is cheating on her. They get to constantly be living in limbo and I finally get peace. CL is ???? correct on the fact us chumps can do absolutely NOTHING to appease these entitled cheaters! They are unsettled souls that are never satisfied, never happy and always looking for MORE or BETTER!

    • Something else the OW or OM should know when they marry the cheater. Their marriage will never have respect. Other people will view it as damaged goods, so other women and other men that normally would not hook up with or pursue a married person will think nothing of wreaking havoc on a marriage that started out as an affair. Pretty much open season on marriages between cheaters.

    • I used to think that “now he’ll be happy. His skank is everything he ever wanted. They’ll be in love for the rest of their lives.” Now? Well I realize that he’s the same man married to her that he was married to me. He was a dick with me and I’m positive he’s a dick with her. I’m sure there’s less respect for her than for me because she was married when they started cheating with each other. So why in the world would he even give her a semblance of respect? He wouldn’t. And vice versa. As soon as any argument occurs, and I’m positive it has, the condescending attitude will come out. That’s what I dealt with and that’s what I’m positive she is dealing with. I finally gained a backbone towards the end and would call him out on his condescension. She waited for YEARS for me to finally divorce his ass and she ‘won the turd’ by marrying him. I seriously doubt she has any self esteem for being willing to wait for so long. And now if he pulls his condescending crap, she’s going to be so afraid to confront him that she’ll be begging forgiveness. I also imagine that whenever he goes anywhere without him (like a conference), she’s querying him the whole time… “Who was there?” “What did you talk about?” “How long did you stay?” GOSH! I AM SO GLAD HE’S NOT IN MY LIFE ANYMORE!!! She absolutely deserves to get exactly what she coveted for years. Yay!!!

      • I am terrified about this – that whey will live happily ever after and i will be left with no one ( I don’t even have a cat !! )

        It is the single most thing apart from the flashbacks that keeps me awake at night .

        I know Cheaters do not think like us ( Chumps ) but surly there MUST be a time when the cheater must think WOW – she was willing to sleep with a married man and the AP must surly think well if he would cheat on his wife then he might do the same to me . Do they both think they are super special and that’s why affairs last such a long time ?

        My former in laws went on holiday with the AP 5 weeks after he left me and seem to have no issue with any of it at all – they have always been of the opinion well if he is happy he is happy

        I hope he is as lazy and greedy to her as he was to me

        • Girl, get yourself that cat. It’s so calming to have another being in the house when the kids are away.

          I’m with you: I really hate that he gets to look like everything worked out for him. Although he did NOT end up staying with the OW, he found another willing victim to latch onto and move into what was our house. By all appearances, they are so blissfully happy. *puke*

          Oh, sure. Maybe they really aren’t as happy in private as they are in public but that doesn’t matter. Why? Because the most important thing to exhole is his image, not his reality. As long as everyone THINKS he is awesome, then he is happy. That’s literally always been his goal in life…for people to think he is cool.

          I swear, I was so blinded by it myself that even after 8 years of dating and 14 years of marriage I didn’t see it. It was only after DDay that I could put some things together and see them from another light. Ugh, I was so messed up not to see it.

          • My uncle left his wife for 25 yo co-worker years ago. They stayed together and she told me how mean he could be and she slept on couch for years. But then she never had to work. My ex moved in with his 23 yo co-worker 4 years ago and his mom and our daughter told me how they fought something terrible. They will not be happy with a new person. We didn’t change them and a new supply certainly won’t change them. Yep – it’s all about how they look. They can’t feel love or empathy. They don’t have the capability.

            I have a dog. Much better than ex.

            I’m alone and finding I like it.

        • For me, being alone is so much better than putting up with an abuser. I’ve even found I like being alone, and I suspect I may be a solitary person. I know I’m an introvert!

          Take this time to get to know yourself and love yourself. Do things you like doing, things that make you happy. Get back into you. When you love yourself, you may find a good person to love. You can’t give what you don’t have.

        • Karen B,
          I am in a similar boat. It seem as though several of my other exes who discarded me, including the last one, who I still really miss after two years apart, are living glorious lives with their amazing wives, some of whom they have been with for decades. I seem to be very ‘dumpable’ and always the bridesmaid, never the bride. (In several relationships, I have been left for the woman who became the love of his life.) I would like to get a couple of pets, but landlords won’t allow that and moving to a decent place that will allow tenants to have pets does not seem possible in my situation. Buying a house is definitely out of the question. If time permits after my kids have moved out, I will likely return to working at an animal shelter a few hours/week, although that’s not quite the same as snuggling up with a pet every night. I miss human touch. Would love to routinely curl up with a partner who has my back instead of stabs me in the back–or just uses me until the love of his life comes along. I used to like taking courses partly because they encouraged human interaction, but now it seems as though most courses are online, so virtually no human interaction, with the exception of online chat with tech support when my computer fails! Maybe I should become a part-time caregiver to elderly people after my kids leave home if I am still able (I will be 60 by then) and somebody will hire me (at minimum wage) to help somebody and have company, including human touch.

          • I’m nearly 60 and I assure you, I am not old. I have a life. I bicycle, I exercise, I was able to buy myself a 2004 pop-up trailer (because it was in my price range), and I go camping. I’ve taken girlfriends with me for the weekend. I’m studying a subject that’s fascinating to me, and I read all kinds of books. I don’t have time to worry about how lonely I am. And I’m happy. Having someone to hug me on occasion sure would be great, but if that person isn’t in it for real, or just in it until something better comes along, then that person need not be in my life. I’m better off by myself. Enjoy your children. Go do things together like take walks in the park, hiking, or cooking hotdogs outside somewhere. Enjoy what you have and don’t think about ‘what you’re missing.’ You’ll find that life is great.

        • A couple of things.
          “she was willing to sleep with a married man and the AP must surly think well if he would cheat on his wife then he might do the same to me ” Cheater’s minds aren’t that deep. Their thought process is a little different and yes, they always think they are special. Not long ago a couple I know that had an affair, broke up two households, got married, split up as the cheater husband found someone else and gave her the boot. The way the cheater wife went on and on on facebook it was quite apparent she never gave thought that hey we had an affair, split up two homes and this could be my karma or geez he cheated with me so highly likely he’d cheat on me….nope that is not how her mind worked.
          “My former in laws went on holiday with the AP 5 weeks after he left me and seem to have no issue with any of it at all – they have always been of the opinion well if he is happy he is happy” This would pretty much sum up your cheater’s upbringing or lack of decent parenting. So again no surprise he is who he is and yes, he will end up being a jerk to OW or maybe she’ll beat him to it. Time will tell. Be glad you are away from this weak, dysfunctional person.

      • My charmer moved 1,000 miles away to live with a woman he had an affair with 25 years ago. They made plans within 24 hours of getting back in touch.

        Turns out she was an alcoholic, unkind to her pets, killed the two he took with him, and she threw him out and he lived in his car for a month.

        He’s not changed. He is the same, I’m just not there to take care of him. Even if they look happy remember cheaters and AP are soooo skilled at acting. You know that first hand. They also are skilled at managing images and it wouldn’t do for folks to see what a mistake they made.

        Trust.They.Suck. And know you don’t – and if you are beat up find a therapist, and fake it until you make it. I smile wide and big when I’m at my saddest — helps bring me out of it. Also play ‘what’s the one thing I’m thankful for today’ game.

        • Silver Anniversary,

          Good advice about gratitude. A trick I learned to keep me focused is that I use the alphabet so I end up with an entire list of things that I somehow forget about when the wind blows cobwebs into my mind. A bit of gratitude sweeps them all out again and I get a fresh start.

    • I like the saying, “When the wife is fired, and the mistress is hired, a job opening is created”.

      • I heard this as “When a man marries his mistress, it creates a job vacancy”.

        • I like that better. It’s much more succinct. I wonder how the saying goes when a woman leaves her husband for the OM.

  • I actually wrote to the OM. It was in the beginning, I thought my wife was the victim and he the aggressor. Now I know better. My family is the victim and they are the aggressors. His family is another victim.

    • Bien fait, Francois; tu as raison 100%! Once we realise they are not the innocent party but active participants in the violence against our families, we can better see the way forward.

  • Yeah, cheater ex had one of those. A just in it to screw over the wife and prove my superiority OW.

    Funny thing, once I took my kids and left his sorry ass, and once he was no longer earning a darn good wage, she dumped him. She even told him he wasn’t making enough money to her to live as she wanted. (He quit his well paying job to take a job as a janitor at minimum wage to avoid child support. Didn’t work.)

    Of course, it was all my fault for not sticking around to be abused some more, and expecting him to help support his kids. And how much money was he pissed off over? Two hundred and thirty two dollars a month, the entitled, tightwad fuckwit.

    So glad he is history.

    • Mine was pissed about child support. Lived in a fancy new house, with the new wife new cars, vacations, time shares… he had no job (she was the breadwinner) so the judge based it off of what he could possibly earn. $90 a month. ????????
      The only thing that made it worth him having to pay something was that she had the pay the support. Every month it came from her account.
      Believe me, they never change. They got divorced, he ended up with someone he knew when we were married at his old job. Prior affair, I’m sure it was. They ended up splitting up. He drank himself to death. He wanted me to come and visit him in the hospital and I refused. I wouldn’t let him have that part of me, no way. On his deathbed he tells our son, I’ve always loved your mother, she was the only one. I should have known better. They can’t quit the lies. Pathological narcissists, all of them.

  • Oh my goodness I too was so naive and trusting & was so confident my husband was honest loving & caring & would never let me down – but he wasn’t and he did. I tried to fix things thinking’ it was just an online porn thing – but it wasn’t it was live meet ups and fucking strangers – then affairs – then I realized some things are just unfixable and it wasn’t my job to fix anything. I told him to leave and he moved in with the current skank. I had ignored the painful obvious – he was a cheating narcissistic sexually deviant cake eater too. I am now well rid of this parasite – I hope that you have ridden yourself of this leech too Annabelle.

  • Oh Annabelle. Tell her she’s right and she’s won and he is all hers. Hon, he didn’t make a mistake. He took aim and torpedoed you, your life and your family. I dare say you’ve been cleaning him up and dragging him into adulthood since you were teenagers. Cause you loved him. And then this is what he did. I dunno. Some things are just unforgivable. I think it’s time he grew up without you. Hugs

  • I know the pain of admitting that your long marriage is no more. The cheating narcissist does not care about you, your children or even the Owhore. Having two women fight over him is exciting & only adds to his centrality.
    After 34 years I realized I was married to a liar cheating hologram. It hurts but 3 years out I’m better than living a lie. I may be financially strapped lonely at times but I’m free of the abuse that was slowly killing me.
    Take CL advise … divorce him let the Owhore have him.
    You deserve so much better. Good luck ????

  • Who cares about her, HE is the one who is hurting you with his mindfuckery. Anytime you start to feel bad for him remember this: he LOVES your pain and her attention as Kathleen points out. I spent almost a year doing the pick me dance as my ex sighed, pouted, and said he was “struggling” as he totally played me (mother of 3 working two jobs due to his severe work and responsibility allergy) and his girlfriend (widowed mother of two). It took a long time for me to realize that knowing he was hurting both of us and that we were both stressed and upset was the best thing in the world for him. He loved it and took genuine sadistic pleasure in it. Tell him to take his mind games someplace else! You dont have room for that crap in your house!!

      • Glad things are so much better now for you Kathleen! I remember I was SO sad when I went to talk to a lawyer about divorcing my cheater. I told him that he went directly from my house to live with his AP. My lawyer looked at me and said, “Well, he’s her problem now.” It was the best way to look at it! And fyi after barely 2 years she kicked him out for cheating on her after she spent about 60K on his divorce from me.

        • Bossynova,

          Reminds me that during those really rough days little gems like this seemed to save me from total despair.

          Both of the people (Men) leading my Divorce Care group had been cheated on when they were young and both found wonderful 2nd wives to whom they are still married.

          The lawyer I went to for legal advice concerning wills etc had been cheated on years ago too.

          Seemed like too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence. At least it helped me think of it that way.

          • You are right, elderly chump! Maybe we hear it when we are ready to, but those little things can be lifesavers!

  • You want to know how to get an OW out of your life. Divorce the husband whose precious feelings are more important than his wife’s dignity and self-worth. Divorce the lying ass who is trying to “repair” the marriage to avoid public condemnation and dividing up HIS marital assets. Wife to this man means servant not partner not equal. He’s afraid of losing his comfy lifestyle and the perks of having a piece on the side. Most people trying to repair a marriage after committing adultery are trying to keep from losing half their pension, half the marital home’s value etc. They could not care less about their spouse’s feelings. Ten to one he’s looking at all the assets as his and the servant should not be getting anything if she decides to leave. During my divorce it became very obvious x always believed what was his was his alone and what was mine belonged to both of us. Got really upset when he had to pay me money as my savings and pension contributions were considerably smaller than his.

    • So true….the supposed “working on the marriage” is just for the sake of not splitting assets. All about the money and then you should worry that they will start to hide/steal assets.

  • Tracy, I’d love you to do a series of “follow ups” from some of these old articles that have so much wisdom and relevance each time they re-run. What became of Annabelle? Did she finally have the chump scales fall from her eyes? Or did she stay in Hopium Hollow forever?

    A “Where are the Chumped Now” series would be great!

  • Yeeeaaaahhhh she’s not going to give up until you are completely out of the picture. That’s what happened to me. I thought serial cheater had this parasite affair partner who wouldn’t go away. This went on for YEARS. Even when cheater PROMISED affair partner was cut off and blocked, affair partner was still waiting in the wings and they were just sneaking behind my back harder.

    So I chose me. I dumped serial cheater’s sorry ass and went no contact. Funny enough, I heard through the grapevine that affair partner lost interest as soon as I was out of the picture. It was no longer fun if she wasn’t destroying lives.

    My advice, cut contact from the whole lot of them and let them find other helpless victims or whatever because there is no curing that level of narcissistic sociopathy.

  • How I wish I knew about CL during my 3 years long, painful pick me dance. He didn’t want a divorce of course, he just wanted to protect his image and not loose “his” assets.

    He didn’t care/believe that OW tried to run me off the road. He didn’t believe that OW was leaving tell tale signs in my vacation home for me to find. And he didn’t believe that I was able to track their communication with phone records.

    Even though I had the proof of these things, he still denied. It wasn’t his continued seeing her-it was my reaction to it.

    And I believe the OW relished in my pain and finally winning her “prize.”

    This wasn’t her first rodeo. And as soon (not soon enough) as I began to extradite myself from the crazy, sure enough she had to find someone else to triangulate with.

    They are both seemingly fine with cheating on each other. Luckily it’s not mine to worry about any longer. Not my kind of people thankfully

    I finally realized the worst wasn’t that OW was doing these things to me, it was that then H allowed her to do these things to me.

    • Ruggermom – This. All. Of. This.”I finally realized the worst wasn’t that OW was doing these things to me, it was that then H allowed her to do these things to me.” Three DD. Done!!!

      • BetterOff1Day,

        I had many shocking turning points during my RIC pick-me-dancing months. One was when the x chose the OW over his own children; another time he defended the OW over his own daughter. Wrong. Move.

        As I said I was in shock so I speckled his remarks by thinking he was having a nervous breakdown or that he had a brain tumor.

        Finding LACFAL and CL/CN set my mind straight on that kind of thinking:)
        NC is setting my heart straight a day at a time.

  • I had a strange rule that ended my marriage……..I refused to let my husband date other women.

    • That was my rule too. I told him that I never wanted a divorce, but that I have to divorce him because he has a girlfriend. and I have to protect myself financially.

  • Game 7 is on! What a great Series!

    This letters shows the great 2-tiered mistakes new chumps (and some older ones) make:
    1. Thinking it’s all about the AP. Thinking if the AP just did the right thing, the spouse would come out of what the RIC calls “the affair fog” and everything goes back to normal.
    2. Thinking that the spouse is in some sort of “affair fog,” not “themself,” going through a crisis, blah blah, and all the chump has to do is COMPETE, do the pick-me dance, and the vows, the 20 years, the kids, the pets, the house, the hundred mutual friends, the intertwined families, the history will win the day.

    No. Nope. Nopety nope. There is an AP because the Cheater turned the relationship into a triangle. And the Cheater is this case is fairly typical. He doesn’t want to give up the spouse appliance, kids, the pets, the house, the hundred mutual friends, the intertwined families, the history, and especially any money or property. If he can get the chump to keep dancing, for years, get the kids through HS and maybe college, he can leave without a backward glance, maybe even without paying alimony. Meanwhile, he can hide assets, spend money on the AP and continue having sex with 2 women.

    What the Chump should be looking at: Is this relationship, as it is, acceptable? What sort of life do you want? Since the spouse won’t stop the affair, get help, or make amends, what assets are there in the marriage that would allow her to start over and make a life where she isn’t being disrespected every day? The Cheater is looking out for himself. The AP is looking out for herself. And the Chump? Trying to control both of them. That can’t end well.

    • LovedaJackass – THIS. “And the Cheater is this case is fairly typical. He doesn’t want to give up the spouse appliance, kids, the pets, the house, the hundred mutual friends, the intertwined families, the history, and especially any money or property………Meanwhile, he can hide assets, spend money on the AP and continue having sex.” Lawd help us!!!

  • In a perfect world, street justice would be legal. Cheaters would be on the run from The Chump Tribe….

  • When I read that the OW response was that “he was separated” it reminded me of a woman (actually two but one was much clearer and more like this one) I tried to date using online dating without fully appreciating or recognizing what signs she was sending to me about our relationship, such as it was and ended (both ended, thank my lucky stars). The reality is he is lying and cheating on both his wife and the OW. She may just be fucking with him now and Annabelle is somehow making it about her and the OW. If he is trying to save his marriage then she wouldn’t say he was separated. She’d just say he lied to both of us and I’m pissed about it. Because if he really went “home” then he’d have said to the OW “I made a mistake, I’m married with kids, a house, lots of family vacation time, sorry I forgot to tell you but I wasn’t really seperated and had no intent on leaving. You just misunderstood.” (yes, they fucking say that!) This one falls into the “trust that he sucks” bucket. I hope she divorced him and the OW moved on too. Not that she is any better than him but this one is on the hubby.

  • “What do I do to get her out of my life once and for all?”

    Get him out of your life. Sorry, but it’s the only way.

    • Yes this.

      Perversely, this is one of those where the Owhore is actually 100% correct in that the chump doesn’t control her and doesn’t control the cheating fuckwit either.

      What the chump needs to face is that the cheating fuckwit is not only allowing, but actively pursuing this affair of their own free will, because they want to. It’s not the Owhore who is the problem, it’s the fuckwit you are with and the faster you face that unpleasant truth, the easier it becomes to walk away from the mess.

      You want the Owhore out of your life? Dump the fuckwit.

      • The burning question for Annabelle is, ‘What do you see in your estranged husband?’ He certainly does not sound like a prize! Hope that Annabelle is happy and free from her husband and the OW, not wasting even one more second on the extremely callous, entitled OW and the chronic cake-eating husband who shows little if any sign of loving his loyal wife. I would love to learn that Annabelle told OW, ‘Please–take my soon to be ex-husband off my hands. He’s ALL yours! I’ve been waiting for years for somebody to do me this favor,’ the way one is glad that garbage men/women (aka sanitation engineers) pick up the trash each week. I’m guessing that the OW would lose interest in interacting with Annabelle really quickly as Annabelle was ‘quitting the game,’ conceding defeat, which, in reality, I think, is achieving victory. (Once in a blue moon, I think to myself, regarding my last boyfriend, ‘I’m relieved that he discarded me–his new wife gets the good qualities of my ex-boyfriend but she also gets my ex-boyfriend’s dishonesty, cowardice, weird default to attempt to control others in inappropriate, hurtful ways, immaturity in intimate relationships (at least mine and a few before mine), and other not so great qualities and attributes, many of which won’t/can’t be changed.’ I used to feel a bit jealous of (successful) women my husband, now ex-husband, used to date while we were married/separated, not because I loved him, but because I felt that he was supposed to be MY partner. Now I feel sympathy for anybody my ex-husband ‘dates.’ His partners (members of his harem) ‘share’ him. Missing him would be like missing turd. If we thought of these abusers as turd, would we ever consider ‘fighting’ for them? No, we’d want to flush them as soon as possible.)

      • So true. It was my daughter who helped me see the light with her sage words, “Mom, it isn’t her; she didn’t make a commitment to you or to any of us. It is dad.”

        She got that truth instantly. It took me about a year to catch up with her. 🙂

  • LW: Yes you are correct: The OW IS taunting you because she can’t win the game and beat you out unless you know about it. The game isn’t about getting your husband (he thinks it is, but he’s wrong), it’s about beating you out. Some psychological theories suggest that the motivation a woman has to steal another woman’s guy stems from a jealous mother and a weak father. She is acting out her childhood dysfunction on you; it makes her feel good in the moment (although it won’t heal her trauma). The fastest way to get her out of your life is to utter the three magic words: He’s all yours. And mean it.

    I’m so sorry you went through this. I hope you have gotten a good lawyer and have moved on with your life. You wondered what she saw in your husband. I hope you’ve answered that question for yourself. Best wishes to you and your children.

  • Annabelle – I remember my STBXH going through his “sadz” when he was working on the marriage. There I was, the wife, having learned that my husband wasn’t in love with me and that he had betrayed me in our marriage, but I was supposed to sympathize with his grieving process? She had been around about a year. I had been in his life for 15 years total and bore him two children. Yet, the loss of his affair relationship was devastating?

    But the RIC literature schooled me to be “understanding” and “patient” so that he wouldn’t be driven back to her. For 13 months I exercised the restraint and lost who I was in the process. The trauma that incurred has taken me almost two years to heal from, and although I’m doing way better these days, I am still fragile in several ways. Do not do this to yourself. It’s not worth it.

    The reality is that if you want to end a relationship, you will. If you have to stop “loving” someone, you will. We are adults, in possession of our faculties, with reasoned intelligence. We have the power to make a decision to do what is right and quit what is wrong to do. For almost two years, I have had to kill the love that I have for my STBXH. And believe me, I don’t want him back ever. See? That’s how it’s done.

    If he really wanted to get rid of this woman he would. He would say what needed to be said to ensure that she would never want to see him again, even if it means tearing her down. He had no problem discarding you and your feelings, so he shouldn’t have a problem putting her in her place. He can get a new cell number, change all his communication and block her from everything. He can also threaten her with charges if she continues to stalk him. She taunts you because she’s testing his boundaries and seeing that he doesn’t have any. It’s a game to her to boost her own ego.

    You deserve so much better than this. Believe me, I understand the importance of marriage. I never ever thought that I would be divorcing. I hung on to my vows for dear life. I believed that I could convince him to stay and do the right thing. We both come from pro-marriage religious families. He left. Fourteen hours of marriage counselling, a couple’s therapy weekend, a second marriage counsellor, giving him “space” to think…all of it for nothing. He still left. Meanwhile, I discovered the secret email account at the end that provided me the evidence that he was always in some sort of contact with the OW. It was all for nothing.

    Your husband is a mess. He is emotionally immature. He lacks moral character. He does not know what mature love is. He is NOT your friend. The nature of his affair, carrying on as long as it did, is a whole ball of evil. It’s a mindfuck. The husband you thought you knew is gone. Get out and make him work on himself. You cannot save him.

    You have a lot of reading through this blog to wrap your head around this reality you face. It’s going to be painful. There will be lots of doubt. But, you need the cold bucket of water poured over you and know that you are in danger. Protect yourself, arm yourself. You are caught up in really bad psychology right now, and it will damage you further if you don’t arm yourself.

    You are in a place filled with people who have been through it. Heed our warnings and advice. Big hugs to you.

  • OptionNoMore,

    You have stated this very clearly.
    My same story except we were married for 30 years.

    I am still in recovery from the RIC shit I fell into hook, line and sinker. Its been over 2 years from Dday #1 and about a year out of dancing my tired little feet off.

    Life is so much simpler now. So glad I finally saw the light. If we had remained married, I know my life would be a disaster. One only has to read the literature/books/workbooks published by women who have stayed in order to ‘work on their marriages’ to know how tormented their lives are. Not my idea of ‘happily ever after’.

  • As always the posts are really good tonight and just what I needed to hear. Today is my 26th wedding anniversary. In answer to the question: is this acceptable to you? I only need to remember the special 25th anniversary present I purchased for my stbx. It was a solid silver Indian belt buckle with 5 turquoise stones, each symbolizing 5 years of our marriage (lol now!!). Along with a tooled belt with his last name on the back. my stbx said he didn’t like it “ who do you think I am hopalong cassidy? and that I could just throw it in the trash. When I gave him the present he said , “I didn’t know we were buying each other gifts”. He purchased some jewelry for me quickly that day.

    Trust that they suck. And I’m super confused why I kept crying and grieving, and held onto loving that man up until today.

    One year and so much has happened. One year ago Tomorrow will be the day he left for work out of town to remodel her condo on the beach. Within a few days came The “break down”, the revelation he wasn’t happy needed more fun in his life not all this family responsibility, their times together, thanksgiving with her, Christmas, the phone call to her on New Year’s Eve, the white bra in his luggage after one of his remodeling trips to the beach- DDay in January, the pick me dance, the move out in February, the bullshit, “I’m conflicted”, ILYBNLT, filing in March, more pick me dance then finally serving in June, his truck on google maps update in front of her house, the lying, “ I’m conflicted”, fuck this, mediation, no contact, miraculously anger against him almost gone, the settlement reached, now just waiting for final signatures and final decree. One year exactly.

    I cannot believe this is the way my life and my marriage turned out. I open my hands and he is dust I blow into the wind. My fairytale is something that never was and never will be. He is OW problem now.

    • “I open my hands and he is dust I blow into the wind” -> I love that image! I’m not there yet. But it’s beautiful, and powerful!

    • Oh he REALLY, REALLY is the OW’s problem now. It hurts very much for you right now, but truly, trust that he sucks. It definitely becomes clearer with time. And the longer you’re free of him, the more peace you have in yourself. Then you’ll realize how much at peace you are and finally see it’s because you’re not dealing with the drama. There was so much drama in my life. He made me doubt myself over and over again. I was walking on egg shells. And it’s all gone now and without a doubt, I will never go through the drama again. I’m at peace and I will remain at peace. I’d rather be single the rest of my life than have to put up with a fuckwit again. Believe us when we say that he’s the same man with her as he was with you. The facade will come down and he’ll be just as ugly to her as he was to you. You may never see that day, but he hasn’t changed. Trust that they suck.

  • This just confirms it, half the time it’s not necessarily the guy they’re interested in, they just get off on the power trip of potentiallly ruining someone else’s life, or taking it over. Poor Me BPD wanted my life, and thought my husband would give it to her. What she failed to realize is that I was the reason we held together that lifestyle. Without my efforts, it would be in the shitter by sundown. I think she realized that later and bailed, whining that she felt harrassed when I contacted her to get back the money she ‘borrowed’ from us. They are crazy and entitled, such a bad combination.

    • The OW coveted my husband and lifestyle. They got married and lived in a gorgeous house. And like you, I was the one that allowed him to keep that lifestyle that he had become accustomed to When we split assets, he got his retirement and a chunk of money. Now? I don’t know exactly what happened, but that gorgeous house is now on the market and they bought a mobile home in a trailer park that they’re going to move into. My son told me that it looks right out of the 70s. I can’t help but think that she probably doesn’t like ‘the lifestyle’ she’s going to have to become accustomed to now.

  • Good on you @Annabelle for separating and getting away from Mr “where’s my cake gone” Self-Entitlement

    From my personal experience, I wasted 2 years in an in-house separation — got out 3 months ago — and after the emotional meltdown/blackmail/etc. STBXW has now turned into a seemingly nice person who doesn’t want a divorce (and yes we have kids so it’s that excuse too) but the real reason as CN knows is that they miss the endless supply of cake; e.g. they ‘miss’ having someone around to take the kids to school, organise & take the weekly rubbish/trash out, pay bills, etc., etc. — a.k.a. they don’t miss us, they just miss everything we used to do

    They conned us once, so they can easily do that again — but what we have to ask ourselves……and directly and honestly……is whether we truly want to play “Marriage Police” for the rest of our lives

  • You never contact that sleaze whore. Why give that bitch an opportunity to disrespect you? Fuckwit is doing a fine job of that all by himself. Many women are competitive and if they think that fuckwit is worth fighting over, she will just dig in deeper. It’s a no win situation. Stay no contact with that whore. She’s not all that.

    • ^^^^^^This!!!!!

      My son (turned 18, nine days after Asshat sent a love text to the entire family meant for now wife), said to me in a very stern and raised voice…..

      You never contact her
      You never acknowledge her
      You never speak to her
      She’s beneath you
      She’s dead to you

      Engaging with them means Asshat is worth fighting for. He’s not. After the divorce, I was lamenting to my therapist that the OW won, she winced and emphatically said, “She didn’t win. She got a liar and a cheat.”

  • Wow that explains a lot , you really made me see what was happening , I was in a sabatage state of mind , your right I was worried about him , and her , didn’t give myself any thought , Except for the fact I didn’t do anything wrong , but I felt like I was being punished for his doings , it is all about him He s so selfish , but I was trying to fix things , He had it all Ow , time with her then time with me , He doesn’t care for me , my feeling , no love nothng This was a good one , Thamks for reshareing Helped a lot

  • I’ve been browsing reddit for the longest time… someone in the survivinginfidelity board brought me here, and honestly… I wish I would have found you 10 months ago when my ex told me he had been having an affair with a sparkletwat from his office for about a year and a half.

    I fought… I cried… I fought some more, all while he dragged me through the dirt with promises of sweet nothings and no action to follow through. I feel encouraged to share my story and… maybe someone out there can find the courage to do what I felt like I couldn’t do for almost an entire year. To do what all of us Chumps did to escape a sociopath.

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