I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. He is 17 years older than me. Well, the first 3 months of our relationship were great. I have always been a jealous person but I never had a “real reason” to believe that he was doing something he shouldn’t have been. But three months into our relationship (last November), I found out he was calling a woman every single day on his way home from work. This woman had been his friend for 15 years, she’s married with kids. He also says they are distant relatives(not blood).
Well, I started flipping out immediately. If she was someone he was speaking to every day, how come she never came up in any of our conversations? At first I thought that maybe he was afraid because of my jealousy issues. (I don’t like the idea of him interacting with other women too much). But he says it had nothing to do with that and that he was not even thinking that I would react this way. He says I have my own guy friends that I interact with regularly or sometimes go out drinking with.
However I was still not convinced, because a) I never hid that from him and b) I stopped hanging out with them as much since he and I started going out. He never asked me to do that, I just wanted to spend all my free time with him. I just don’t understand how come his interactions with this so-called-friend didn’t get interrupted and how come he still chose to talk to her just as much even after I came into the picture.
Well, since I found out, he says he has stopped talking to her. He even went as far as to delete her from his contacts. However he did get her a birthday present back in December (I found the receipt of a necklace that she supposedly wears a lot) he has yet to admit to it, but says that even if he did get her a birthday gift it would simply be an “happy bday/goodbye” present. All these things were too much for me to handle and I took a drastic step and moved 600 miles away from him to get over him. Well I still haven’t been able to.
We are still together, I really want to forgive him but how would I do that if he never admits to cheating?
I even went as far as calling the woman and oh I wish I hadn’t. Because all she did was give me “vague” answers. I asked her over and over and over again what was going on and all she could say was it shouldn’t matter to me because he chose me. He chose our relationship over anyone else.
She was also telling me that he wasn’t born yesterday, and that he had other people in his life before I came along, and kept asking why I’m so insecure. She kept telling me that she’s glad he has found someone, but she wishes that I wasn’t this jealous and insecure. Which again messes with my head because she kept hinting that there was something more going on between them by refusing to give me a straight answer and then she has the nerve to call me jealous and insecure? I also asked her about the gift and she seemed surprised that I knew about it, then told me that he was her friend for 15 years so yes he got her a birthday present.
Another thing that bugs me, he keeps insisting that their regular phone conversations primarily involved them complaining about their jobs (both pharmacists) but when I talked to her and it somehow came up that he has told me he loves me, she told me how he never tells anyone that, that he has never introduced his girlfriend to his parents (I have met them several times) and that he told her that he wants a wife and children.
When I asked her why he never told her about me, she also gave me the same reason that he gave me, that he is a very private person. If their phone conversations were all about their jobs, how come she knows so much about his personal life? And if she knows so much about his personal life, how come he didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell her about me until I found out about their friendship?
Dear Ms. Confused,
Get rid of this boyfriend and find a boyfriend you can trust. You don’t believe a word he says. (Nor should you.) The point at which you’re asking the guy’s mistress for details, the cow of dysfunction has left the barn.
Consider if you have “jealousy” issues — or “I chose a fuckwit to be my boyfriend” issues. Does everyone make you feel insecure? Or just this shady geezer? Do you question the veracity of your aunt, friend, or other trusted person — or just this guy?
Now ask yourself — do you WANT a relationship you don’t feel safe in?
Because apparently you’re quite capable of feeling safe in relationships you feel confident in. Where people’s words aligns with their actions.
This creep tells you you’re the most important woman in his life, but his ACTIONS tell a different story — he spends everyday talking to his “friend” and he buys her jewelry. (I wonder how her husband feels about that, and how on earth do you know that she wears it? Good grief! She shared that, did she? Sounds like something a person who wants to unhinge you with jealousy would say.)
You were right to move 600 miles away from this mindfuck. But then you reconciled with him? WHY?
Time for the Universal Bullshit Translator.
But he says it had nothing to do with that and that he was not even thinking that I would react this way.
The Problem Is Not What I Did, It’s Your Reaction To It. (Also filed under “I Fail to Understand Your Hostility.”)
The surprise isn’t his daily secret contact with another woman, it’s your alarm. Hey, everyone does it! Get over it. Nothing to see here!
Don’t let someone with a truth problem tell you you’ve got a jealousy problem. Is this his courtship A game? Is this acceptable to you?
He even went as far as to delete her from his contacts.
This means less than nothing. And this is the farthest thing he did?
However he did get her a birthday present back in December
However did he find her details! Perhaps fairies left signal flares on football fields, spelling out her address, or an angel appeared to him in a dream…
he has never introduced his girlfriend to his parents
Well, duh, she’s married. Not exactly a traditional parent’s idea of in-law potential.
I asked her over and over and over again what was going on
all she could say was it shouldn’t matter to me because he chose me.
Did you know there was a Pick Me Dance? The OW’s favorite dance step is “Who Me? I’m Just a Wallflower. Carry on!”
She kept telling me that she’s glad he has found someone, but she wishes that I wasn’t this jealous and insecure. Which again messes with my head because she kept hinting that there was something more going on between them by refusing to give me a straight answer and then she has the nerve to call me jealous and insecure?
Yes, the same nerve she finds to fuck men who aren’t her husband. She’s gaslighting you.
She’s not going to confide in you — the competition in the Fuckwit Thunderdome — about her affair. But feel free to point it out to her husband. Amazing, how your BF and the OW go for the same type — jealous and insecure.
he told her that he wants a wife and children
Please tell me this didn’t give you hope. Like the worst possible person you want encouragement from, that your boyfriend might propose! is his current Other girlfriend. They don’t make Kay jeweler ads for that. (“It’s a diamond triangle! Tell her you love her… and her.”)
Also, I’m going to be ageist here — dude is 17 years older than you. This guy is what? 40? At the youngest? Life tip: People tend to do the things they want to do. If he really wanted a wife and children, he would have a wife and children. People who really, really want to see Norway, usually find a way to get to Norway. They align their lives in such a way to make Norway happen.
If your much older boyfriend really wanted a wife and children, he would not be investing his energies and disposable income in a married woman who has kids. For all you know, she was referring to herself. She’s clearly enjoying the mindfuck.
An innocent person would tell you what’s going on — OMG, no! I’m not sleeping with your boyfriend. That’s awful! Versus. Am I sleeping with your boyfriend? Hmmm. Let me think on that and form a research committee. You’re the one he goes home to. Wink.
Please leave the triangle today.