His Family Says ‘I Should Be Happy for Him’
Dear Chump Lady,
My ex lives 12 hours behind me in the Philippines, with the “Only One True Love Of My Life”, (at least that’s how he described her to my family members within 2 weeks of meeting her online and parading her picture around).
He moved out of our home with less than 12 hrs. notice, informed me he was searching match dot com for girlfriends on the very day he left, but he found this Only One True Love in the Philippines a couple of weeks later. In fact, he found her best friend first, and that is the woman he originally called his Only One True Love.
Sadly, the language barrier between him and her was too much, so the bestie of this OOTL stepped in on their love-dovey video chats to translate, and surprise! within a few short days, the BESTIE became the OOTL.
So now my very recent ex is living with the Only One True Love Of My Life (2), who he met online in May, and flew 12 hours to move in with this past August.
He swears he wasn’t cheating BEFORE he left, even though he kept snapping his laptop shut when I walked near him, and also before he unceremoniously unfriended me, I found an impressive number of Filipina “friends” on Facebook.
I’m 55, my ex is 57, and his OOTL is nearly that age. So he didn’t go for a particularly younger model.
Move out date – April 24.
Moved in with her – August 28.
Our divorce date – Aug 4, and that’s because I got a lawyer and did ALL the work. I am entirely certain he would still be bitching about a divorce, but not doing anything about it if I hadn’t taken up the job.
I’m glad he’s gone. I didn’t wallow in Chumpdom very long because once I learned of the OOTL(2) I decided my ex is fucking stupid. He also wasn’t one of those who Keeps Coming Back. He barely spoke to me during the necessary divorce conversations, and he split the state on August 22, it’s now November, and I haven’t had contact with him since the morning he gathered the last of his shit and drove off.
I’m useless to him. At first that hurt me (because DAMN IT I AM A LOVABLE FUCKING PARTNER). But I’ve already decided I’m even more lovable on my own. I like my life better without him. If you would have asked me how I’d feel about a divorce last year, I would have said, “Devastated.” I would have been wrong. I’ve lost 30 lbs., run a couple of marathons, and recently got a promotion at work.
So I feel like I’m doing well, despite the fact that it still feels surreal how my ex morphed into a literal laughable sad middle-aged stereotype in less than a couple of months.
My issue is with family members (yes, the ones he shared the pictures of his FIRST OOTL with), who absolutely despise him. Specifically, I’m speaking of two aunts and one uncle.
They think I should want the best for him. In fact one of them sent me an email accusing me of schadenfreude (finding joy in his misfortune). Because I laugh at him every time I get news or pictures of his “relaxed new life” over there, where he doesn’t have to deal with the “prison” he felt living here with me.
He has spent money on her. And she got him a Jack Daniel’s themed cake for the glorious feast they had in his honor. He’s 29 years sober and yes she knows this. Her adult children call him Daddy D. (His name is Doug.) Her mother goes EVERYWHERE with them. She lives with them. He goes to the mall with the family (he hates malls). He moved 12 hours into the past and straight into a culture he is clueless about.
I laugh. A lot. LOUDLY. All over Facebook.
So my family thinks I’m petty and should be doing better. We were together for 26 years and they think I owe it to myself and to him to be more positive and wish him well.
I do not wish him well and furthermore, the aunt who sent me the email accusing me of reveling at his expense just celebrated her 50th anniversary and I daresay if HER husband had done this, she would not be wishing him the best.
It’s not that I wish him the worst. It’s simply that I am content to sit back with my popcorn and enjoy the train wreck.
They say that’s petty and shitty of me.
I say it’s just another step in my healing.
What do you say, Chump Lady?
Thanks,
12hrdelay
Dear 12hrdelay,
I think you should turn off the Fuckwit channel on Facebook.
Don’t wish him well, don’t exult at his flamboyant idiocy — embrace Meh.
Be indifferent. Divert your attentions elsewhere. Oh hey, cute kitten video!
But, but… healing!
Schadenfreude is a momentary pleasure. (THE SCHMOOPIES CRASH AND BURN! MooHAHAHAAHAH!) Real healing is not giving a fuck.
It takes awhile to get there. But the journey is measured in weeks and months and years of no contact. Of not filling your brain with the Next Exciting Installment of Luggage Shopping With His Mother-in-Law or Boozy Frosting, The Sequel.
His life is his life. He chose that dumpster fire, let him burn in it. You’ve got better things to do with your mental real estate. Did I mention @EmergencyKittens? You really should follow them.
Here’s the thing with predicating your healing on their misfortunes —
A.) It might not happen. Newsflash. Good things happen to bad people. Fuckwits get two scoops of ice cream. The world is awash in criminal lack of accountability. God is very stingy with the lightening bolts.
Fact is, they might, despite their horrible character and malfeasance, prosper. (Or whatever prosperity looks like in the Philippines. Durterte doesn’t shoot you as a suspected drug dealer? Typhoon season is gentler this year?) And then what? Do you want to spend the rest of your life waiting for an outcome you do not control? (WHERE IS MY LIGHTENING BOLT?!)
B.) It might happen, and so? What a goddamn waste that all was. He threw away 26 years for that?
The best thing you can do is what you’ve done — impose consequences and free yourself. You divorced him. And even though you had to all that heavy lifting yourself (much like being trapped under a boulder and lifting it off yourself) — you won!
I like my life better without him. If you would have asked me how I’d feel about a divorce last year, I would have said, “Devastated.” I would have been wrong. I’ve lost 30 lbs., run a couple of marathons, and recently got a promotion at work
Yea you!
When you follow this guy on Facebook and gloat at his clown act — it’s not a good look for you. You may be chuckling with Schadenfreude, but other people are thinking, “Man, she’s not over her ex yet.”
You don’t care what other people think? Then WHY ARE YOU ON FACEBOOK? It’s all about impression management and what people think! Come for the cute kitten videos, stay for the judgement.
If you want to guffaw to yourself in the silence of your room, okay, but please refrain from commenting on his pictures. “Hey, you need a sponsor for that cake?”
Best thing really is UNFOLLOW.
So my family thinks I’m petty and should be doing better. We were together for 26 years and they think I owe it to myself and to him to be more positive and wish him well.
Wish him well? Fuck those forgiveness trolls. They don’t get a vote on your healing.
They’re maddening, but the solution isn’t to follow your ex more assiduously. (I DEFY YOU!) It’s to keep rocking your awesome new life.
YOU are doing well. (Can you aunt run a marathon? Yeah, I didn’t think so.) YOU are the only person who counts here.
They say that’s petty and shitty of me.
Shitty is abandoning your marriage of 26 years for a stranger you met on the interwebz. Petty and shitty is leaving you to do all the legal clean-up alone. You snarked? Oh yeah, that’s so equivalent.
He fired himself from the job of you caring about him. As long as you’re downsizing, you may wish to fire yourself from caring about your judgmental kinfolk too.
I don’t know, 10 years later I still look at the ex on FB (and bat shit crazy Schmoopie). I never comment and I never respond to anything he posts on mine but I still look because like 12hr I get a kick out of how ridiculous they are (especially Schmoopie actually). At this stage I don’t wish him ill, I don’t wish him well, I just don’t wish, but yeah I check him out and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Just nosy I guess.
I blocked my x on FB when he took it upon himself to lecture me about ‘bad messages’ when I tagged my granddaughters in a post about female empowerment. I was all, yeah, just no. Bye, loser.
Yeah, we wouldn’t want any empowered females…
ME TOO!!!! not that he posts a lot on facebook. the man and his demon can barely read.
on my personal account, i had him blocked and his demon girlfriend (mostly because she harasses me). they just create new accounts. i continue to block her every time she pops up in my suggested friends list (because when you search for someones name, facebook thinks you are friends and puts you on their suggested friends list and since i am not searching her name, means she must be searching mine with her new accounts).. .. .. but i actually recently added him as a friend just this past year on his new facebook account. as long as he is respectful to me, i dont have a problem with him. besides he can sit back and watch me live my life without him. **if there is something i dont want to share with him it is easy enough to block him for seeing a selected post or picture. you can adjust who sees what in the privacy settings so i can add his name in custom if i dont want him to see it.
but i have a game account that i dont have her blocked on and i can see the stupid shit she posts. at first she was posting all sorts of pictures of her and wasband. now she is posting all sorts of memes about loyalty and if you have a good woman and dont cheat on the one who loves you. .. .. apparently there is trouble in paradise. they supposedly broke up last october and he started showing more of an interest in our boys.. .. but i just heard from the grape vine that they are back together. he is a fool. and in truth i could care less if he is with her or not. but it is interesting how fucked up he is and it only makes me grateful that i am not living that life. i guess if he were living well, it might bother me or make me regret, but in my case, he is a loser and has not been living well without me. ironically every time i start thinking about the “good” in our marriage, i hear something about his dumb ass that makes me snap back to the reality that he is a fuckwad and i am better off without him.
Maybe I should point out I don’t actually follow him on FB so it’s not like he pops up on my screen when I’m playing Words with Friends. I just didn’t block him. Like I say, I’m at meh and oddly I don’t even wish him ill any more! I guess it’s just a way of reminding myself “thank God I’m out of there”, but yeah, Schmoopie does give me a laugh! All that posing!!!
I look now and then (once a year?) just to find out where he lives now and breathe a sigh of relief each time that it’s still many miles away from me.
That’s the only reason I know he’s on wife number… Six, I think. Lost count, don’t care, but the general idea is clear. He doesn’t stay in relationships. It isn’t surprising that he left, it’s shocking that he stayed so long.
Thank the sweet Lord they are all far away. May he perish on the other coast.
Amen! I only look up his social media when he sues me in family court (he files a new case every other year or so— whee!). Last I had to check (for gathering court evidence), he was fired from his job, got another job in a new state, had just bought a McMansion he cannot afford, and is having to cut corners in other areas to keep up with The Joneses. He’s engaged to a beautiful gold digger who used to be an escort, and who demands jewelry and designer handbags. That’s going to turn out well! ???? Now if I had an aunt try to shame me for enjoying a little popcorn about all of that? I’d nope right out of being in touch with that aunt, too, because that’s some Switzerland clown shit.
Damn, how many twu wuvs can one guy have – six wives!
Just like Henry VIII, which makes me think… Interesting 😉
????
Though to be fair to the monstrous Henry, *his* marital ‘adventures’ were primarily to get himself a male heir. (Sorry, my pedantic historian hat flapping). ????????
I don’t see my ex on FB, he is blocked and so are most of his friends
Me neither. I blocked him when I filed for divorce and that was the end of seeing anything he posts or anything he is tagged in.
When I hear a tidbit through kids or something, it is still a treat to know that it didn’t all end up perfect like he thought it would. But, I would NEVER post about it. To post about it shows that you are not over him and that you still care what everyone thinks. You are doing impression management. He will catch wind of it one way or another and now he knows that he is still taking up valuable space in your head. Kibbles for him! And kibbles are the number one thing in their lives. Why give it to them??
Have a good laugh behind closed doors, maybe with a trusted friend, and then ignore. NOTHING bugs a cheater more than a lack of kibbles from you.
Me neither.. Anybody who is a ‘facebook’ friend of the dick is also no longer my friend to include his daughter. Anybody who ever posts anything about the dick and his skank are blocked. I want never to see the dick or his skank again. Am I petty or shitty? Who cares. I care about me and my life and he is no longer in it. I want to enjoy my life without any unpleasant memories about the dick. Now…, when my son just recently (not on purpose) mentioned his dad’s change of lifestyle (and not for the best), I must admit, I turned petty, snarky, and laughed up a storm with my sister. The texts were smoking! But after a few hours of snark, I no longer think about the dick. Thank God!!
Bravo 12hrdelay! 2 Marathons! You are awesome! Who cares about him? Honestly, I wish that I could have a “clean” break and go completely NC. Unfortunately, with school-age children I can’t do that and get a weekly dose of my ex’s fuckery.
One thing that I did do was block him, the OW, and all the switzerland friends and family on facebook. I’m glad I did. I don’t want to see anything related to ex’s and OW’s new life and how they drag my kid into it.
Nope. Block.
The title is a bit misleading – it is not the ex’s family saying it – it is 12hr’s family.
Bless their hearts, but no. That’s not how any of this works.
Yes, you’re right. I can’t fix at this point, but correction noted.
It’s worse really that it’s her family that are forgiveness trolls. (Got it correct in my answer… more coffee needed…)
If she is making snarky comments on FB for all to see, I can see why her family is telling her what they are. Their message is really that she needs to stop and let go. She is actually embarrassing herself acting out like that, not to mention playing straight into her ex’s hands as in “see how psycho vindictive crazy my ex wife is. No wonder I had to leave her for a better life and my new twu lurve. #Justified.” She has got to stop playing into that.
The intent of her family’s message is spot on – let it go. Same message in your own blog here – let go, move on, get to meh. Don’t air your dirty laundry on FB or any social media. Delete him from your feed. Truly work on moving on, which is not giving a flying rat’s rear end on what he is doing with who and how. That’s winning. If you must, early on, then laugh in private and enjoy that moment, but do not laugh in public. It doesn’t come across how you think.
If she needs to vent or gloat, then gloat here where we get it. Vent to a good friend or two who will get it. Still, people do want to see you heal and move forward to a better life. Nobody who cares about a chump wants to see them get stuck in bitterness and pain no matter how disguised it may be. People may not word that message perfectly or the way you want to hear it, but that doesn’t stop the message being well intended and spot on. Chumps need to heal, let go, move on, get to meh.
Different people may word that message differently. Lots of people believe that a huge part of moving on, aka getting to meh, aka reaching Tuesday, is forgiveness. There is some truth to that if we are to be honest….when you are ready for that. It’s something to work on and no, we shouldn’t be shooting the messengers just because we aren’t ready yet. That itself is rather a toxic attitude.
”Their message is really that she needs to stop and let go.”
No, they’re telling her ”she should be happy for him”. How fucking *dare* they !
The family sounds like a bunch of flying monkeys, they are certainly behaving like that.
She’s not ’embarrassing’ herself, she’s full of pain and she’s letting it out. *I* wouldn’t do it that way, but I’m not her; everyone finds their own way of coping and beginning the journey towards healing.
Adelante says; ”People who care about a chump don’t judge them, and they don’t tell them they’re making a fool of themselves.”
This is absolutely true ! Her family are fucking flying monkeys, and as toxic as the fucktard and his whore.
People who care about a chump don’t judge them, and they don’t tell them they’re making a fool of themselves. They show their care in other ways, and one of those is by recognizing that being chumped after decades of marriage is going to unsettle a person.
They don’t show it by telling the chump what she “should” do, or that she “ought” to forgive or “want the best for him.”
I don’t know…I think that if one of my good friends told me that by commenting I’m giving him more kibbles, I would appreciate that. I was in such a fog/depression/anxiety that I couldn’t think straight. Cuz a close friend would know that I wouldn’t send a kibble in that dude’s direction if my life depended on it. They would know I’d be upset later when I realized what I’d done.
BUT: I agree that saying she should “be happy for him” is complete and utter bullshit.
No. Just NO.
great point, kharless73!
i was speaking more generally about the low-quality of people’s thinking when it comes to interacting with a BS
…but you are CORRECT that the True Friend would do exactly as you say:
remind the Chump that posting comments on Facebook is providing the Cheater with their Precious Kibbles
and, while not the end of the world, is a practice that should be tapered off and then eliminated for a variety of good reasons
not the least of which is, as you correctly point out, the virtual certainty that the Chump will later regret doing it
& by telling them to knock it off, you are doing them a huge service
in terms of short term healing & long term dignity
stay mighty!
^^^SO MUCH THIS!!
I am constantly stunned by the CERTAINTY people express as to “what you should do”…especially when 98% of them have never been in anything like my (our) situation and, in many cases, aren’t being directly asked for their opinion(s).
To me, it’s kinda like a plane crash:
were your friend, colleague, neighbor to “survive” a serious, breaking news Plane Crash (albeit with wounds that will last a lifetime, even after years of healing), lost some of their family members, and $100k in cash in their suitcase that burned up…
..the VERY LAST THING on my mind would be to say, with smug self-assurance “Oh, you just have to get over it!”
or “Isn’t it time to move on?”
or “I worry you’re getting, like, all hung up on that plane crash you barely survived, the one your spouse engineered to destroy your family”
i would simply LISTEN and SYMPATHIZE and SUPPORT
THEM: “I have dreams about it almost every night”
ME: “Fuck. Right. Yeah. Wow.”
THEM: “I’m not sure if I can ever get on plane again.”
ME: “Yeah. I mean, sure.”
and here’s what i wouldn’t do:
THEM: “I’m not sure what I feel. One day it’s anger, the next day it’s nothing.”
BAD ME: “Why don’t you just move on. Get out there! Why not use the plane crash that destroyed your family as an opportunity to get a new hobby? And I hear the dating apps are a lot of fun! Yep, my certainty as to what you should do and how you should feel are proof positive that such a thing could never befall me…”
I don’t know…I think that if one of my good friends told me that by commenting I’m giving him more kibbles, I would appreciate that. I was in such a fog/depression/anxiety that I couldn’t think straight. Cuz a close friend would know that I wouldn’t send a kibble in that dude’s direction if my life depended on it. They would know I’d be upset later when I realized what I’d done.
BUT: I agree that saying she should “be happy for him” is complete and utter bullshit.
No. Just NO.
Spot on FSW.
Exactly right. If 12 hr is making comments on FB in regard to Ex she needs to stop. Writing comments makes it seem she is obsessed and so not over ex. She still can enjoy the train wreck with posting comments. As for her relatives…..OMG I am so tired of asswipes on their High Horse. So smug and morally superior. I’d be sure to block their asses.
No, they’re not telling her to let go, they’re telling her to be happy for him. She’s also not embarrassing herself but it’d be better if she didn’t post any comments.
Better still, block him and her stupid relatives.
Yes, but there is a difference between enjoying a glance the cheater-ex’s ridiculousness and broadcasting (justified) derision of the cheater-ex on social media. The former is private and momentary, while the latter is public and remains published 24-7. Even when you’re off running marathons And gaining a life, FB gives the impression you’re dwelling on the past and hostility.
Well said.
When life is up ended and there is the looking around at the aftermath and processing all of what happened, pointing and laughing at the ridiculousness of the adult toddler is part of the re-orienting.
However, my life is too precious to waste another moment on the people who are frauds and not worthy of another nanosecond of intelligent energy.
My daily living doesn’t include stbxh in my reality.
But sometimes in my head when I am still processing thoughts of the injustice and the betrayal and the mind Fuckery of it all, I get trapped into a little bit of obsessing about it.
It’s important for me to maintain NO CONTACT so these episodes become less and less and eventually fade away to meh.
Ah, the side-taking…I am 4 weeks out and my daughter said that I was terrible for blocking cheater’s mother’s phone number. What do I need to talk to any of them about, he is supposedly living part-time back with her in any case? I said to my daughter – it is my decision, I am not as bad as anybody, I have nothing to say to them. Her reply was that cheater’s mother expected us to go up there for Christmas. Say what? I exclaimed…no way, nah uh, not happening. You guys can mooch over there (if all you are going there is for the presents, oh yeah, that might just be why) but I ain’t moving in that direction. We have planned a meal out with my dad, my daughter, my son and myself.
Sympathising with the devil – what the heck?! Just no and please leave off telling me what I can and cannot feel and when to feel it (he did enough of that already!) 12 hr delay, your feelings are yours, he treated you badly, no one else has the right to tell you what you should be doing or feeling. Although following cheater on facebook is not something I would be doing. I am not, him and new girlfriend are both blocked and not even curious….
Good for you and nice response to your daughter. What I don’t get is that the cheater can be a real dick, but if you do something like block others for your own sanity, you’re monstrous! Too Fucking bad. Like the dick said to me, “My kids will love me anyway.” He’s right. They do and so will yours. They’ll love you anyway. And by doing this, maybe your daughter will learn that it’s okay to establish boundaries, whereas if you were to go to the Christmas get-together, she will never learn that it’s okay to tell fuckwits ‘NO’.
Although watching your cheater go headlong down the toilet may feel satisfying, I must reluctantly agree with ChumpLady. When you pay attention to someone who no longer deserves a place in your life, you’re giving them free space in your head to which they are not entitled.
You soon realise what people are really like, you have moved on with your life, your torturing yourself on social media.
He now will be expected to look after her family. it will cost him in the long run.
He went from one ow to her best friend, not much of a friend eh?.
Oh I suspect you’re correct. After the ‘twu luv’ wears off, he’s not going to like having mom-in-law there and in every aspect of his life. He will be on constant watch. The marriage policewoman is now there full time.Woohoo! What karma!
Wouldn’t it be easier if you were all nice nice about the whole thing. He sounds like a fool, as most of them do. You may have to drop contact with those folk if they force that ‘be happy for him’ malarkey. I need people in my corner or, where family ties make it harder to do, I expect discretion and respect for my feelings in the same way I would not go to my MIL (mother of ex) and start wilding slating her son (like I do to my friends heh heh). I manage those boundaries, if his family could not, they would no longer be in my sphere.
This was actually a brilliant post! Both the poster and CL reply! I have to admit, I did like the part where she sits back with her popcorn, watching the train wreck! I know it’s not very meh but it gave me a great chuckle! Oh, and speaking of kittens, has anyone seen the video of the kitten watching the horror movie?!
https://www.facebook.com/Purrtacular/videos/1810665158981284?vh=e&d=n&sfns=mo
Omg! Mrs bates!! That cat left the building. It must have been super horrifying for puddy. I wonder if that traumatizes her for life? There’s no way to explain it to her. Poor thing. Do you think she watched the whole thing? That was the end of the movie.
Thank you for the distraction
Thank you, StartofSomethingGood! Fascinating to see the kitten’s body language (and pupils) change throughout the clip.
I imagine that I looked similar to this during some of the really violent outbursts by cheater.
Lol! Me too! I think this video is hilarious!! That cat is definitely me when my cheating ex-husband starts acting nice! Lol
No contact is EVERYTHING.
Only because of it can I navigate the shitty reality of idiot and schmoops living in cheater manor right here in my very small town. No clue what they were thinking there, no clue what they are doing, and no desire ever to know about either of those things.
Weird choices, indeed, but such is the power of no contact that they might as well have whisked themselves off to Pluto.
Yup. Go no contact and create Plutonians. Powerful magic..
12hrdelay-
I am awe of your mightiness; right up to the point where you follow ex and his OOTL on social media. I can’t run a marathon but I sure do know how to block anyone in my ex-life from every electronic venue. This includes his wife (artist formerly known as the OW) and ex’s family-every single one of them. I was married for 27 years and none of them exist in my world and that has helped me get to the wonderful land of meh!
My children are adults and they have a relationship with their dad but they don’t share the details of his life with me. It took a few months of nodding, and “cool, bummer, wow” but they got the gist that I wouldn’t be joining in any conversations about him or his family so they stopped bringing them up after a while unless it is a memory we all have.
My life is better now that he’s out of my life. He was emotionally abusive for pretty much all of our marriage and I didn’t realize how much crap I withstood until after he was out for good. I was pretty chumpy; lacked boundaries and didn’t value myself enough. I’m still working on that but I feel pretty healed almost 6 years out and just happy I saw the light eventually. I don’t wish him or his family ill will but I don’t sit around and wish good things for them either. In fact, unless I’m on this site giving a chump advice I don’t give them a second thought these days.
I don’t agree with your relatives at all! You don’t need to wish him well but checking out his shenanigans on social media is keeping you focused on a turd that finds the OOTL on the interwebz and moves to a foreign country he knows nothing about. CL is right. You are the only thing that matters here. Focus on your wonderful self, the person who can run a marathon!
I reckon this is just a natural phase in the process and the LW should just move on at her own pace.
That was my response, too. When the public gloating no longer serves its purpose, “12 hour delay” will give it up.
Late-April to August is not a very long time from discovery to move-out to divorce. At four months I was still naked pick-me dancing!
Thank you for making these empathetic comments— I feel like folks who should have been in her corner were being a bit harsh on the LW chump for keeping it too real for her aunt’s comfort or whatever on social media. Recall she is actually still in the extreme early days, and is amazing for getting out so quickly!
Her aunt’s attitude making it all about pressuring the chump to start wishing the cheater well absolutely sucks, and I’m surprised more of us aren’t calling the aunt out somewhat more strongly.
I have an otherwise excellent therapist who asked me why I put so much emphasis on/have so much pride in going no-contact (not looking my ex-fiancé up online in any way – the only contact I would ever want to have) for almost eight years now. She didn’t see why it was such a big deal to me, I guess. I didn’t really know how to answer … isn’t it self-evident? It’s really hard not to stay engaged, even passively, but it hurt me so much whenever I looked him up before that, I had to make myself stop. That’s what I told her, but she still seemed mildly concerned that I’d built up no-contact as too important. I think she’s never been in that situation, maybe thinks I’ll be too hard on myself if I give in at some later date, but honestly it would have been nice to have some validation (outside of CL/CN, of course)!
Maybe there’s a post-NC phase where you aren’t *defiantly* NC, but are just *incidentally* NC because you really don’t care. Maybe that’s your therapist’s point: NC is a tool to achieve meh, but once you’ve truly achieved meh you won’t even particularly need it any more.
Aglaia:
Your therapist should know the importance of no contact. Mine sure did and encouraged me the whole way to maintain as little contact with the fuckwit as possible even just simply because why should I want contact with the person who caused me so much harm. I think any mental health professional should know the advantage of it. Keep it up it is the way and the light.
I completely agree about NC. I’ve been a slow learning during this process, so I didn’t realize just how toxic contact was until this past January. I found myself curled up in the fetal position after yet another angry realtor exchange from him. I also became so upset when we drove by each other this September (although there was yet another angry attorney email awaiting me when I arrived home).
I did block Ex last October, haven’t responded to his emails (“want to let you know we’re getting married and don’t tell the kids”), laughed at his “Happy Holidays” card, and I wait to open the nasty emails from his attorney (two sent while on a 10-day holiday with my son this summer). It’s definitely made the road to Meh much lighter. My only contact was on a realtor text thread so we could sell our marital home. I believe NC made me confident enough, that when we all ended up at the same movie this July, I laughed, because Schmoopie sat two rows behind me & had to see the sold-out comedy (about divorce from the kid’s prospective) through my head. I didn’t even bother to rubber neck the train wreck. But when my friend looked back, I do have to admit, I enjoyed it when she said “she looks like a chemo patient” and “they’re not even holding hands”.
I realized how toxic contact was this January, when I found myself curled up in the fetal position after yet another angry realtor exchange from him. I also became so upset when we drove by each other this September (although there was yet another angry attorney email awaiting me when I arrived home).
So my question is–do fellow Chumps feel that getting to Meh is in correlation to the abuse suffered? Schmoopie & Ex have to be the most vilest humans on the planet. Both are extreme self-entitled narcissists, so I am willing to admit that I like knowing they’re not doing well. It validates & strengthens me. Years of devaluation & abuse takes its toll. I don’t actively seek Ex out, but I live in a small town, so I invariably hear lots of things. In fact, my Ex ended up being my Uncle’s doctor two weeks ago. That’s when I found out he’s been “banished” from the large regional hospital in our small town and he works an hour away in an extremely small rural hospital. (and I also laughed when my aunt “blew” his cover there by spilling the beans to the nurses).
After 36 years (25 married), getting to meh is a meandering path. I will always remember the moment we met, as it takes me back to the time and place. We definitely have a “connection” and divorce doesn’t immediately negate that. But NC definitely makes it easier.
I don’t know if getting to Meh is in correlation to the abuse suffered, but I definitely think that getting to Meh is much quicker if you go full-out No Contact. Blocking Facebook friends that associate even once in a while with the dick was tantamount to my recovery. I also told my sons, “I don’t want to hear ANYTHING about your dad unless it’s bad.” That was petty, but that was the truth. Fortunately, they never said anything unless it was bad. (Snark, snark.) And by then, I was so much healed by No Contact that after just a few minutes of glee (okay…, hours…), I didn’t give the dick anymore thought. The dick and his skank are also quite narcissistic. Admittedly, it took me quite a while to realize that they get everything they deserve by marrying each other. Will they be happy? Who knows. Who cares. He’s not my problem anymore. As CL says, “Is this acceptable to you?” And ‘no’, it wasn’t. Whether he turns out to be the best husband ever, he was not with me and I was done.
Great reply, it is all very hard and I hate that it may take a long time. I have kids with the ex so NC is not possible. I did block from all social media to protect myself from seeing things. 19 years married, last year I thought I was going to be married forever, today I’m divorced, and ex has a pregnant fiancé. Only people that has gone through it can understand, that’s why I’m grateful for this site, because the pain gets acknowledged but is focused on moving on.
fakeItTillIMakeIt (love that!)
https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are/discussion?nolanguage=enhttp%3A
Sorry about the pregnancy. No way around that it’s definitely a shit sandwich. While we all have been give different condiments for our meal, I completely agree about only Chumps understanding this journey. That’s why I embrace CL & CN and have forgiven myself for not discovering this valuable resource earlier.
I’ve learned that there is no co-parenting with such a toxic baby. Parallel parenting is the only way to go. Like so many obstacles on my journey, I had no idea of that concept or just how destructive covert passive-agressive behavior effects people. My kids are now 20 & 23 (18 & 21 when it all came tumbling out), so I no longer co-parent (which I now know I never did). My heart goes out to Chumps who have to “share” their minor children with these monkeys that aren’t fit to clean our bathrooms.
Knowledge is power. NC is freedom. And I believe the more s**t that threw at us, was in inverse proportion to our strength versus their weaknesses. Chump are mighty.
I think looking is a natural phase like Pecan said. No Contact is the means and the goal, but if you can’t resist the urge to look, just be choosy who you process the results with. I am VERY careful to talk about this ONLY with people who get it. That was another Chump lesson, incidentally.
And I don’t put anything about him or the affair on my FB page.
As an aside….29 years sober? I am 33 years sober and anyone with 29 years who is acting like that is suspect. Behavior is the relapse tell-tale. At the very least he’s a dry drunk. The traitor in my life claims he has 32 years….he needs to go back to elementary school math. Drinking Ny-Quil at night to go to sleep (1990) and alcohol in Germany when visiting relatives (1995…I have the photos) does not add up to 32 years in 2019. When an alcoholic is lying, cheating, and stealing? Where’s the bottle? Or other substance…..
I agree with Velvet Hammer. Look at it if you need to in order to get through the grief process, but don’t give him and his cronies the satisfaction of knowing that you are paying attention. It just feeds their egos.
Velvet Hammer, I would agree, 45 years sober here, (I’m old 🙂 ). The behavior is a dead giveaway. In my experience, it’s really hard to practice such a shitty program and stay sober for long periods of time.
Yes ma’am I agree completely. Thanks for the extra layer of validation.
Before he moved out I found Visine, a lighter, and a spray can of Ozium in his truck console…..what does that say to you?……
I have to be honest here. I am firmly at meh and have been for some time, but I am also human. I would be lying if I said I did not take pleasure in watching certain folks crash and burn soon after DD. And I do believe that delight in the “discomfort of others” helped get me to meh.
I was “lucky” in the sense that karma was a bitch for X and the church lady. I recognize many people here were to not able to see what comeuppance looks like but, for me-after devoting my entire adult life to X’s wants and needs above my own- it was glorious. These days, I don’t give a flying fuck about either one of them, but when the wounds were still fresh, knowing that bad guys don’t finish first was something that kept me going.
Now, I am not recommending anyone here follow my lead, but I also don’t think we should beat ourselves up for wanting to see our cheaters held to account. Don’t become full-on obsessed about it, keep “swimming toward the light,” and meh will show up at your door on a beautiful Tuesday. Keep in mind that “living well IS truly the best revenge” and you will be just fine. .
I can’t wait until i am at Meh ! But i’m not even 8 months from D day and not even 1 week divorced .
I don’t look i am 100% NC have been since D Day but i really , really , really hope i hear through the grapevine his life has imploded . I know this never happens ( Or very rarely) but i am sorry i do . I would do more than laugh i’d hire full bagpipe band !!
But as i know it won’t happen and as he is engaged to be married and baby on way i will guess i just have to sit back and wait for Meh .
I’d be the same 12Hours if i ever got to see any of it unfolding
I totally get this. Facebook pops up shit even when you aren’t digging. So you look. I think you are amazing. In such a short time you have done so well. You figured out your ex was just really shallow and really unintelligent. Took me 2 years to figure that out. It is very healing once you accept that. I am 5 years divorced and pretty much meh. I dont care who or what he is doing. And yet I am STILL shocked and amused whenever I hear stories on what he is doing. I cant believe how low he is.
You have been with him 26 years, I was only with him 15. People love to tell me stories about him or message me. Like you I just laugh now. I laugh a lot and thank God that I am not living that life.
So if it doesnt bother you. I say go for it. It is healing to see that he is such a stupid jerk and you are lucky to be away from that. I bring the popcorn and we can laugh together. It doesnt sound like you are not living YOUR life by watching his trainwreck. You are doing great, working, running and everything. You will stop watching him in time because it will soon be like a rerun. But you will still laugh when you see or hear stories about him. As far as you aunt and uncle, tell them that THEY can wish him well if they want but you could care less. Plus if they cant understand that he treated you horribly and you dont own him anything, not even well wishes then you dont need them in your life. I would limit my time with them and if they say anything more to me I would just laugh. I have one uncle who still comes up to me asking about my ex and then telling me how much he like him and what a good guy he was. And I just chuckle now and say yep such a good guy. I cant control that uncle but my uncles insensitivity doesnt bother me anymore. By agreeing with him, my uncle has nothing else to say and talks about something else. I know that my ex is nothing close to good guy but it is not worth the effort to explain that to my uncle.
Good luck to you.
Agree! 12 hour— you are kick-ass A Grade MIGHTY in my book! 26 years and you were shockingly discarded. Divorced his ass in record time! Running marathons?! Wow!
My guess is that you will follow the wise advice here and go completely no contact. I’d love to hear all of the great things that you will be doing (whats next, a novel?!) with those minutes wasted on following a predictable cheater On fakebook. Oh, and who cares what X’s blood kin think of you? Fuck them… that bad apple didn’t fall far from the tree…..
I think you should grab your computer and start writing the screenplay. I think it should be called “Schadenfreude”. A Netflix or Amazon original series. I will grab some ice cream and a blanket and binge watch it. I don’t mean to make light of this. And I’m sorry your own family is judging you that way. I had a similar reaction from some friends. I do know that I fully understand the Chump Nation advice to unfriend him on FB or stop following him, and the thing about people thinking you’re not over it if you post snarky things about him. But…if that was part of your process, I don’t think any true friends would judge you for it. If they did, they’re not your friends. He is ridiculous. Of course CL is right that you can’t count on his misfortune happening in your lifetime. You have to heal on your own. But I, personally, did a lot of cryptic Facebook posting …most people thought I was talking about Donald Trump…but I had one erstwhile friend tell me my posts made me look bad. I’m not friends with her anymore. I am also done making cryptic posts and almost to meh. But I stand by my year of schadenfreude. I think you have done plenty during you 12 months to be proud of.
I can’t ever see myself wishing cheater well or “wanting the best” for him.
People keep saying I should aim for that since we share a child. That thought just adds to the plate of shite sandwiches, and reinforces the demand that I make myself and my needs small by being the bigger person.
Words of wisdom from CN needed: how do you get past the need for “justice”?
F&L, you do not have to forgive, forget or wish him well. The only thing I wish for the XH is for him to not be dead. That’s forgiveness and wishing him well all in one!
As for justice. Well, that may never come here on earth. Sadly, a lot of these charming types and pathological liars get away with everything their entire lives. There are never any consequences, because they never get caught, except by us chumps or people they have seriously wronged. And they have thoroughly convinced the people that they surround themselves with, that they are truly wonderful people. And with their lying, they have also convinced the same people that we are awful and abusive; ask me how I know! The only people who will believe that they are abusive (cheating is abuse!) are “your people” and people who have seen their true character. “Your people” and the people who know who he truly is will be a very small percentage, like .01%. At least this is the case in my life. So there is never any justice in this life. Life isn’t fair. As a nurse, I see every single day how life isn’t fair and that really bad things happen to really good people. I consider myself a good person with a beautiful, caring heart. I’m not perfect, but I did nothing at all (well, except for ignoring tons of red flags!) to be lied to and cheated on for 23 years. The XH blew my life up and tossed me away like garbage to be with a whore. He’s still living the sparkly life he lead with me. Everyone at church thinks he’s wonderful, even though he divorced me for absolutely no good reason (but I’m sure he told lots of lies about me, so I’m sure it looks like he had a good reason to them). He goes to work, church, family stuff and sparkles and sparkles. He lost absolutely nothing at all, except for time with our kids, but time with them didn’t mean much to him when we were married, so that actually gives him more time with his whore. There’s no justice. None at all. But when he dies, that’s when it’ll come.
Martha – This. “And they have thoroughly convinced the people that they surround themselves with, that they are truly wonderful people. And with their lying, they have also convinced the same people that we are awful and abusive; ask me how I know!” Thank you for putting into words my exact thoughts and life experiences.
You’re welcome, BetterOff1Day! The beauty of CL and CN — finding again and again, others who have been able to put into words, what’s in our heart and mind. 🙂
You accept that it isnt coming.
I have very high justice and integrity needs from others bc of what I hold myself to. But guess what, I dont control others. They dont have to value justice and integrity – which sucks c I thought this was kind of universal.
The injustice was unbearable at first. The disparagement of others saying that I was not doing the best for my child by literally refusing any and all contact outside of OFW and then only responding if ABSOLUTELY neccessary.
What helped me? My parents backing me up 100% on NC and that this was about him not me. My therapist backing me up and agreeing 100% what inwas doing was neccessary to stop being emotionally abused via my child. My child’s therapist admitting that stance wasnt making this as easy as possible on my daughter but Ex had 0 right to complain since he went about this in the most devastating way possible.
But overall what helps me most is looking at myself in the mirror and knowing I was invested, I was honest, I was lied to, i was manipulated
And justice is me moving forward with my head high, trusting that he sucks, and knowing while he will never admit it, he knows he screwed up bc I rock.
Thats the only justice you get.
F & L,
I’m currently working on this with my current fuckwad husband.
But, 16 years ago I divorced an abusive husband. He was handsome, wealthy, successful and sleeping his way through everyone we knew after the divorce. He eventually married a younger woman and started making babies. We also share a child.
I tried to wish him well. There was some mantra or affirmation that I read somewhere and I would say it – it was about wishing him well, sending him love blah blah blah. It was supposed to help me move on – which wasn’t happening very quickly. That didn’t sit well with me and I soon gave it up. There’s no reason to wish someone who abused you well.
As my life came together financially and socially I got to meh – complete, total blissful meh. I suppose I could also say that I hope everyone is okay and happy and has what’s best for them (including him) because the universe would be a far better place if all the abusing liars were better people. But I don’t spend anytime wanting that or not wanting that for him in particular.
First, you have to heal and grow your new life, then you can wish him anything you want. Don’t let anyone else pressure you. People who don’t understand abuse just don’t get it.
And now, I have to get there again with my STBX cheater who just moved out. Whoopee!
I will add that although I lost my need for justice with my ex – I have also seen him get that justice – his wife is medicated up the wazoo, I’m sure to deal with being married to an abuser, who I’ve heard is cheating on him, our young adult son rarely wants to see him (he lost all visitation when my son was a young teen) and when I’ve had to go to his home related to my son it looks like crazy hoarders live there – not a multimillionaire attorney. So yeah, from where I’m sitting it sucks to be him (and her).
The justice is that he has to be him for the rest of his miserable life and I get to be free of him.
Yep, that’s justice. He has to be him for the rest of his miserable life.
Ah! The old “forgive a forget”, with a dollop of “You SHOULD feel happy for him (them)”.
— I call this bird the “Kumbyya Kookaburra”.
During discovery, when I asked soon to be xh what he thought the kids would say, he wistfully look off into the distance and assured me. “They will be happy, that I FINALLY found someone to Love!”
P.S. *** You SHOULDN’T should on yourself.
Mr. Sparkles is extraordinarily good at image management. In fact, he goes so far as to call himself Mr.Grey in his personal ads (ssshhh… don’t tell the current victim, she thinks he’s faithful).
I was blocked on FB by Mr. Sparkles less than a month after he moved out… I found out when I went to tag him in a picture of our son. Yup, that is how mature the guy was at 47yo.
But, he did me a favor. It became the first of many: “Oh my God, he’s such a fucking idiot” moments that eventually led me to my own day when I stopped to pick up my son from his rental house and refused to cross the threshold of the front door… “just tell kiddo that I’ll be in the car”… that was the first of many key steps toward no contact.
IF I had stayed in contact, I would’ve been subjected to pics of all the missed lightning bolts I had hoped God would have rained down on him. The trip to Hawaii, camping with the blended dating family, xmas holidays with potential new in-laws, and the inevitable transition from that relationship (she caught him cheating and dumped him…ok, a nice lightning bolt)… and then the new shiny relationship begins. Watching all of that (let alone commenting on it on FB) would’ve just worn me down more… and fed the sleeping voice in my head asking “why not me… I’m fucking awesome…?”
Luckily, I avoided all of that. And the funny thing is, No Contact also gave me the distance I needed to truly get to Meh. My last D-day was five years ago and the divorce was final almost two years ago. I communicate regarding our son by text or email. I do not talk to him or his schmoopie at school events (where they try to be extra shiny)… and I do not engage AT ALL through any other means. Our son is 14, so I’m in the home stretch now!
The freedom from the constant image management and mind fuckery and cognitive dissonance that results from it is bliss… I highly recommend it. Unfriend and block your X today… look kittens!
ICanSeeTheMehComing! – “I communicate regarding our son by text or email. I do not talk to him or his schmoopie at school events (where they try to be extra shiny)… and I do not engage AT ALL through any other means. Our son is 14, so I’m in the home stretch now! The freedom from the constant image management and mind fuckery and cognitive dissonance that results from it is bliss… I highly recommend it. Unfriend and block your X today… look kittens!” 100% agree and the only difference between you and I is I also have a 9 year old son. Unfriend and block your X today.
i have my moments too where i feel sorry for myself becuase i am still single and dont have anyone laying (lying) next to me.. .. .. he has someone. he puts his whole self into his relationship and has a new shiny love. .. .
but then i remember the whole reason i do not have a new shiny love is because i have standards and morals. i do not just hook up with the first person that compliments me or acts like they like me. i do not jump into bed with the first person who shows an interest in me or who i just met. i have standards that a person has to met before i have sex with them or i jump into a relationship with. i have morals that keep me from fucking everyone i meet that i think is attractive or is interested in me. .. .. i am not willing to bounce from person to person just so that i have someone next to me.. .. .. like he does
dont ask yourself “why not me” because in all actuality YOU CAN have someone like he does too. he just pick up some low life, good for nothing, piece of garbage that gave him the time of day. you CAN have someone like that too if you wanted it. BUT YOU want MORE out of a relationship. you do not want just someone to lay next to in bed and cook you dinner, maybe wash your clothes and drink beer with you.. .. you want someone you can depend on and who loves you just like you love him.. .. he on the other hand could care less who he loves because his love is so shallow it changes with the seasons.
About that thought…”why not me…I’m fucking awesome”? Why not you? BECAUSE you’re fucking awesome. That’s the thing: we feel awful about being discarded, as if it’s a judgment on our worth, until we realize that we are much, much too much for such disordered people.
Being discarded is a judgement on our worth. It means we’ve become so strong the idiots don’t want us near them. They only surround themselves with the weak who are unwilling to impose boundaries. The minute we start to push back/impose consequences we are dropped. Being discarded is recognition by these twits that we have developed some level of self respect.
Really well said MIGHTY 🙂
And you’re spot on… my D-day came less than 90 days after I refused to sign a student loan for my stepson because Mr. Sparkles and his first wife were financially irresponsible (and as it was I was already carrying our mortgage). It was the death knoll for sure.
Block both him and the forgiveness Nazis. Concentrate on your great trainwreck free life where you’re not living in a third world country and forced to take some gold-digging dingbat and her mother with you everywhere.
You’ll sleep better if that particular trainwreck isn’t in your face. It actually sounds pathetic (but not the kind of pathetic that elicits sympathy) rather than funny. I suppose that’s what the relatives are reacting to. They feel sorry for such an obvious loser. But they should reserve their sympathy for you, so fuck them.
Facebook is such crap.
Luckily I got kicked off it, :), but not before I succumbed to temptation and looked at fucktard’s page once. Biiiiig mistake, it put back my road to healing and meh for at least a couple of months. (Not at meh yet, but I have hopes now I’ll get there).
I’ll never get on fb again, the temptation to look would be strong, (sort of like when you’ve got a sore tooth and you can’t stop poking it with your tongue) and I have better things to do with my time.
Fucktard and his whore don’t know where I live, know nothing about me and my new life, and I will *not* expose myself to knowing anything about theirs.
Knowing nothing is much better for me.
I’ve spent enough time beating myself up for staying 30+ years with my ex. Wasting the best years on a cheating scoundrel can muck up your head bad. How you recover Is a daily new step forward and a couple backward sometimes; and your aunt needs to mind her own business. Just tell her happy forgive is not in the cards right now. My form of cognitive therapy was seeing pictures of them on holidays with my kids or something prosperous that seeing would hurt so bad but could say better than words that it was over. Killing that secret hope that he realize He lost YOU. See the error of his ways. But they don’t. He really is a dick in the first degree and you are going in a different direction. Accepting that feeling, once you got the 400 lb gorilla off your back, was happy relief – that was a major moment for me. For the first time in forever I didn’t have that alpha asshole demanding, criticizing and telling me what to do. So now, yeah I do find pleasure when he trips up, but it’s a secret pleasure. No one needs to know I wish him to burning hell. Okay, God may hold me accountable for wishing him ill. But the thing is, you gotta play it close to the chest to avoid those people who want happy for everyone but you, ironically. Anyhoo. You are free of that slag. So go. Be free. Smile and clap for yourself.
I posted a pic of me and a GF drinking celebratory whisky on FB the day I signed the papers. I was sober enough to regret it almost immediately, but drunk enough to not know how to delete it. That was the height of my social network regrets, but I had a locked pinterest board full of snark and dark humor and well worded pretty-fonted screw-you quips.
Responses like today are some of the best.
” …. I had a locked pinterest board full of snark and dark humor and well worded pretty-fonted screw-you quips.”
Yep, me too ! I think it was LAJ who first drew my notice to Pinterest, hadn’t heard of it before. One of the reasons this blog is so fantastic, fellow chumps can often steer one into really useful places.
My pinterest board is super cathartic, much cheaper than therapy ! 🙂
Mine isn’t locked though, how do you do that ? Not that fucktard or his whore would go on it, both of them can barely read. 🙂 🙂
On each Pinterest board you’ve made, click on the pencil and up will come a page where you can edit the visibility. Look for “visibility” and click it where is says “keep this board secret”.
I agree with you about Pinterest! Lot of free therapy and snark. None of my boards are secret as no one can find me as I only have it listed as my first name.
Thanks, Martha.
I don’t think I’ll lock them, it’s so nice when you see other people who like your pins, and copy them. 🙂
This really stood out for me:
If you would have asked me how I’d feel about a divorce last year, I would have said, “Devastated.” I would have been wrong. I’ve lost 30 lbs., run a couple of marathons, and recently got a promotion at work.
“Man, she’s not over her ex yet.” No kidding, it has been seven whole months! After a 26 year marriage you should just have moved right along, right? RIGHT?
Nope. I am on your side. I absolutely hate it when the high and mighty declare you should have moved on by now. That you giggling with schadenfreude makes them oh, so worried for your healing and for your soul. Give me just a small fucking break. Their smug faces are begging for a punch in the nose and you demonstrate your level of healing by holding back those punches. They are chiming in with their self righteous bullshit because your reactions make THEM uncomfortable.
Just this week I got a dose of that from someone and it pissed me right off. If my X Asshat had DIED none of them would be declaring how small and petty an inadequate I am for not being over it, would they? But after 3 decades of marriage his implosion of our family felt to me like he did die, with just as much lack of build up and no preparation for the blow. His running off to the bed of a chick our daughter’s age is humiliating and I think I damn well deserve to relish the popcorn watching him do stupid shit every day. I don’t chime in on FB but apparently I am not allowed to even mention it without getting a whole lot of blow back about how I am supposed to (yet again) be the one occupying the high ground. I am really sick of being the one who has to keep it together while he gets oodles of grace to be stupid and abusive.
I do agree that the goal is eventually to not care, to get to meh, to feel nothing when you hear how the foreign love 2.0 has stolen all his money and he can’t buy his way back to the States. Until then I think it is OK to find some joy in his destruction, and then pray for peace to find you. I think you are on your way and should not let anyone beat you up about how you work through it. Eventually you won’t even care to look at what he is doing but for now in these early days I don’t blame you one single bit.
I use social media quite a bit, but I blocked CheaterX and Schmoopie. CheaterX started blocking me prior to the divorce, so I didn’t immediately block him. Schmoopie blocked me shortly after the affair got physical.
Sometime after the divorce, I noticed that Schmoopie had unblocked me and that CheaterX had likewise unblocked me. I knew that No Contact was the way and the truth, and I’d already passed the phase of really needing to know that he sucked, so I blocked both after carefully ensuring that I’d unfriended both.
Every once in a while I’m tempted to snoop, but I just don’t want to do so. Schmoopie’s divorced him and moved on to her next victim. CheaterX has apparently gotten religion (again, but it won’t last–it never does if he has to have contact with actual human beings) and probably found someone else to listen to his sad sausage story.
I’ll admit-I caved once…
I was having a difficult day with my STBX and I went on FB and posted, “One woman’s junk is another stupid woman’s problem now.”
He doesn’t have FB-and I blocked his girlfriend-BUT-I have a mutual friend who tattled on me to her.
STBX was calling me and giving me shit about it. Even a friend who has tried to be friends with us both texted me and told me to take it down since it didn’t make me look very good.
I said thanks-but I’m fine with it.
I never posted anything about it again-but I just felt the need to vent that night….
It’s fine 🙂
Since I have sons with one Ex, I cannot have the luxury of never hearing about him and current wife. The other ex died earlier this year, and I felt nothing but relief that I would never have to hear from or about him again. Watching them burn and crash was an activity early in my recovery process, and is satisfying, but I learned the peace of not having any knowledge about what they are doing is much more satisfying.
If you discovered you had cancer, and endured the surgery and treatment needed to become cancer free, would you keep in touch with the cancer? Would you want to know when someone else discovered they had cancer? Would that make you feel better or worse? Think of these folks as being deadly cancer’s. Be glad you survived and no longer have them in your life. Don’t keep in touch to see if they are cut out or chemically chased out of other peoples lives. Just be grateful they are no longer in your life, and hope they have the life they deserve. That does not wish them well, or wish them harm. That wishes them the consequences of their own choices. You can have a private opinion of what those consequences are, but you do not need to share that with anyone. Your opinion will not determine their consequences.
100% agree. Very wise analogy.
Beautifully put, Portia!
If it gives you a laugh then enjoy it. When you’re tired of the Fuckwit Channel, you’ll block it. I wouldn’t bother commenting on their show though. It serves no purpose.
You have been divorced for SEVEN MONTHS. You will shed the vestiges of the Fuckwit when you’re truly ready to do so.
I would definitely tell the Relationship Trolls to stuff it and yes, I know they are your family. They are suffering from hypoxia from the oh-so-thin air up there in “It takes two to tango and cheat!” land.
I deleted my facebook account. You can’t log on for 2 months in order for it to delete permanently. None of the people I saw on it were that “happy” and it really pissed me off. No more facebook; one less thing to be upset about. Plus, facebook is a huge time suck and I have better things to do with my time. Like trying to find “my people.”
Cheater XH and schmoopie don’t have FB pages because, get this, they have NO friends and I’m not kidding ONE bit. Which I’m glad for because I’m not sure I could not help myself sneaking a peak every now and then to see if the Karma bus showed up in their cul-de-sac. For now I’ll just have to be content knowing that their lives are shitty because they are shitty people.
Schmoopie moved cheater XH 3000 miles away from me because she was so afraid he would return to me…pffft…she can have him. She needs to remember how she got him.
She is remembering how she got him. Hence the 3000 mile distance. What she can’t remember is that you have morals and standards. Can’t remember that as she dumped those at a young age.
My ex was never into social media. He created a FB account where he would update a family photo or create an album about once a year. He has not taken any action on FB since the last few days before he left. He replaced the family photo that was his profile pick and replaced it with a pic of himself cropped from a family pic. He did it to show his schmoopsie that he was serious about leaving me. That was almost two years ago and the only activity has been other people tagging him in photos of things. The OW has yet to appear anywhere.
His FB remains open with no security settings. If you were to go on there, it is still completely stacked with photos of the two of us, starting with our wedding and all the years of raising babies. The family photo of our last family vacation together (while he was having the affair) still appears just about 5 postings down on his wall.
He has removed nothing, yet he is still with the OW two years later. Maybe she doesn’t care. Maybe she never does FB. Maybe she is just very confident.
I would have a problem with a guy who (after 20 months having an affair while married and 22 months since he left his wife) still keeps his wife and kids on social media, even if it’s that he never uses it. Not sure it’s a jealousy thing, more like a respect and demonstration that you have cleaned up your old life before going into your new one.
Or, that’s just me. All traces of him have been erased from my account, and I don’t even have another relationship at play.
There is no fucking way in hell that this man is sober. This is textbook addict relapse behavior. It probably doesn’t feel like it but you are lucky he has chosen someone else to drag down with him.
I’m sorry your family aren’t supportive. Mine aren’t either. I also got a lot of the same bullshit from them. It’s clear to me now why I ended up in such a shitty marriage – I was groomed for it from a young age.
I totally get the pull of looking at his social media, but you cannot heal while still exposed to his fuckwittery.
I also lost 30lbs, ran a marathon and got a big promotion at work, but if I’m honest my life was too consumed with him. He too is a joke and posts evidenced if this for all to see, it was great seeing what an idiot he was spread out all over the internet. My life really started turning around once I went fully NC. Checking him out online is still contact, it still keeps him central. One day I realized that I was doing myself a great disservice by checking up on him and feeling superior. I wasn’t. He was off living his life, probably not giving me a second thought, while I was all caught up in his. I have forgiven myself and moved on. You will be much happier and have a much fuller life without him taking up your time and mental space that he is.
Blocking everywhere you can on social media is the way to go. I did this years ago and even before the divorce was final. I blocked him, his whore, her kids, his family and his best friend the Canadian stripper fxcker who told me that fxcking around with strippers was “just entertainment”. Oh, and he’s a “Christian” just like my XH who also fancies fxcking around with strippers.
A few months back, my XH’s aunt joined Facebook and became “friends” with my kids and “liked” one of the photos I had them tagged in. BLOCK! For years and years I helped this woman and went out of my way for her over and over again. She was like an aunt to me. But when she turned on me and started cuddling up to the abuser — DONE AND BLOCKED FOREVER. Her character was always questionable to me — dated a married man, got pregnant and he left his wife for her. And then a few years later he cheated on her and left her for another woman. Shock, hey?! After her divorce she was very promiscuous. Got married to a loser and divorced again. Then onto to more men. And she’s supposedly a “Christian” just like my XH. I don’t think it works that way, but whatever. They are no longer my concern. Last time my kids saw her, at different times they both said to me, “Aunt X asked how you were and said to tell you hi”. Crickets response from me and later I told them that my life and what I’m doing with it is no longer their business and they are not to share anything with anyone. I don’t ask about any of them, because I don’t care. XH said right to my face, “You are no longer a part of my family.” Perfect. No more drama, lies and people using me for their benefit.
I immediately went no contact and I told him I would if we ever broke up. So, to shield his ego, he got to blocking me on social media before I could block him. I’m thankful for that because sometimes I want to peer into his life just to laugh at it. I will still Google him on incognito mode to see that his grand entrepreneur dreams never got lift-off. When we’re looking to make sure karma is a bitch (and it often isn’t) I’ve noticed I don’t really want them back, I don’t even really want something bad to happen to them – I’m just angry at the time I lost and the fact that I have to search for a new partner instead of enjoying the security of a relationship I already have. Me doing that petty thing is my cue to put the focus back on building up my own life. When i do that, I can go a long time without thinking about him. I imagine if I meet a good partner, it will be even easier to leave him in the dusty meh.
I’m just angry at the time I lost and the fact that I have to search for a new partner instead of enjoying the security of a relationship I already have.
^^This^^ Exactly. Skankwoman got my husband and I got no one. I thought I had my life all planned out and thought I had it sewed up. Thought I was done with the dating scene and I was deliriously happy about that. She was still married when she started putting her tentacles out searching for her next victim and went after several married men. Mine was the only one who fell for her ‘charms.’ She wasn’t single nine minutes before she snagged a man. Still pisses me off. I can’t help that. She needs to be single for the rest of her life and if he ever tips over she will be. She is one gawd awful ugly woman and he’s the only stupid idiot that would even want her.
But evidence shows–neither of you had “security.” Other people CAN”T give you security. You don’t control them, first, and we are all mortal, in the end.
Hey 12 hr delay. Just wanted to say welcome to my club. I am one of the weird ones on CL. Like your ex, mine decided that he wanted a specific type of woman (from that same overseas place). I don’t think there was any physical cheating here. He left us, destroyed our family, then went and found his true love also. Just like that. Found her online and flew out with a ring 2 months later. Who does that? How do they trust these women? I don’t have FB, but I don’t need any proof to see that he wins the global dipshit award. And guess who is crying about money now? It’s costly to support a dependent (younger) wife who has a dependent family. We get the last laugh!
Oh wow. Speaking of what the ex is up to…
I’ve been separated from my ex husband since 2015, officially divorced since 2016, and I’m 7 1/2 months into a great relationship now. Suffice it to say, I don’t care about my ex husband. I don’t follow him on social media, don’t talk to him, don’t interact with his family, complete no contact.
This doesn’t necessarily stop old mutual friends updating me from time to time on the weird shit he’s up to when it rolls through the grapevine.
Apparently my ex husband is…and I’m not even kidding here, a polygamist. No, seriously. He has two wives. Not joking here.
One reason our marriage ended was because he wanted it to be “open.” That was a fat bucket of disaster so I said I wanted nothing more of it and asked for divorce. We went our ways, and he decided to go bang his way through everyone he could find…not like he wasn’t already doing that anyway but at least now he wasn’t married to me anymore while he did it…ANYWAY.
Recently I was shown photos of both his weddings. He had two weddings…to two different women, within two months of each other. Only one of these is actually legal, but…does that really make a difference in this situation here? The man had a wedding ceremony, priest and everything, to one woman. Then he went to the courthouse and married another woman. I saw…pictures. He was dressed like an absolute idiot (Beetlejuice pants, a…what I’m assuming he thinks is a kilt but looks like a skirt…with bats on it) a David Bowie shirt (but David Bowie as a zombie) a bowler hat with goggles on it, and some…shrug? half jacket? Of some kind made of gold lame with slits up the sleeves and…again i must reiterate that I am not joking here…their rings were ring pops. The candy. …Ring pops. And from what I have been told…both wives also have other “spousal” partners they “married.”
o_O
Do I get some kind of sense of satisfaction out of this? Yeah. Because it reaffirms that walking away from him was the right choice. My best friend says the best decision I ever made was to leave that man.
Would I post about it on my FB? No. Because it doesn’t do anything for me. It does, in fact, make me look petty and like I’ve not moved on and like I’m resentful. (I’ll post about it here because yikes)
But also, do I need to be happy for this mess? Absolutely not. Just because I don’t post about how ridiculous that whole setup is on my fb doesn’t mean I’m required to wish him well either.
…Take it from the Chump who’s ex is literally a polygamist now, just turn it off. Block, ignore, walk away. If you happen to get a nugget of info about it, do like CL said and laugh to yourself in the privacy of home, but then keep going about your day. And don’t go digging to see if he’s unhappy. I sure as hell didn’t go looking for this info, it was dropped in my lap. I laughed for a bit and said “holy balls” but went back to my own life.
You don’t need to watch him burn in his dumpster fire to heal.
You post about it here because you are entertaining your fellow citizens of CN with a batshit crazy Fuckwit story. We get it. You aren’t doing it in PUBLIC where your friends and family and probably his friends and family (including your kids) can see it.
Social media is forever. Stay off of it if you can control the urge to trash other people, even those who richly deserve it. Someday, you might want a job and that very clever trashing post costs you an opportunity. Like the woman who on a plane ride tweeting something very arch about Africa or Africans (I forget the content, but that’s half the point here) and landed to find she had already lost her job, tanked her career, and was an international pariah.
And block his family and friends on everything–phone, text, social media. Cut yourself loose.
If there was a Greatest Fuckwit competition you’d win hands down.
I can totally picture the scene you describe. I bet he thinks he’s so cool and edgy. My ex fuckwit has a lot of that. It should have been a sign when he insisted on wearing a bowling shirt with mudflap girls on to our wedding. He thought he was just so fucking cool. I could smack myself. Now he’s a 50 yo wannabe standup comedian.
That aunt may be on your case because her husband did cheat on her and she spackled it, and now watching you snark on your cheater ex is poking holes in her spackle.
Or because she’s a cheater herself, or overly invested in a cheating or otherwise jerk family member who divorced ….
Very likely
And don’t be so fast to assume he’s not the hoovering type. It’s early days yet!
My Ex seemed perfectly happy to leave to be w/Shmoops forever in paradise. About 8 months after DDay he was back, asking how we could try again, after a vacation w/slShmoops in our usual vacation spot made him a bit more aware of what he had thrown out. I wasn’t interested. A year later, back again, sniffing around – I later found out that was the 1st time Shmoopie dumped him. A little less than a year after that, yet again; shockingly, Shmoopie had dumped him again.
(Speaking of shadenfreude, did I mention that both times, she dumped him for another man? ‘Cause APs are such quality people, loyal partners…)
But I was just getting on w/my life, raising our kids, being myself as always.
Narcs don’t have selves, so they’ll often come back to get more of that good stuff you provided in their lives.
It’s been a while since I’ve checked my ex’s FB or Linkedin accounts.
I’m proud to announce that, although it crossed my mind today after all this talk here, I have not check. Don’t feel like checking. Couldn’t be bothered.
Yey.
Scrolled all the way down to comment. In the early days I spewed all manner of hurt and derision of whatshisname. I vented and expressed to anyone who would listen. I tried really hard to keep myself in check, but it didn’t always work.
I’m aiming for a cleaner expression of my life now. One that doesn’t have anything to do with him. I’m succeeding more often. Meh is the goal. Complete no contact helps. If I care to laugh at his idiocy I’m not there yet.
Compassion for those who are not yet able to live a clean break life. Xxx hugs!
” I think you should turn off the Fuckwit channel on Facebook.”
Nothing says you aren’t over a Fuckwit like posting about him on social media (followed by creating big “image management” posts about YOUR life on Facebook to show how much better your life is without Fuckwit.) If what you are posting is ABOUT FW or motivated by FW, you’re on a road that doesn’t lead to Meh.
Meh means you don’t care what happens to FW because he’s IN THE PAST. Your present life? FW free.
Okay. I really didn’t intend on commenting but you can Schadenfreude away with this simple thought. My oldest son is serving a religious mission in the Philippines for two years. He has assured me he’s fine but I really never want to take a vacation there. He loves the people (NOT the way your ex does, however), but he struggled in the beginning with the standard of living. No toilet paper. You eat with your dominant hand. Inner city Detroit meets third world country and had a baby. That’s the capital. Then he was transferred to a nearby island. I asked him if he’s in a city, village, or the sticks. He said, “What’s below the sticks?”
Enjoy your air conditioned house, working sewage system, toilet paper you can even flush, carpet, car you can drive because there are rules to driving safely here, a standard of living that includes adequate medical care – yes, even a mammogram, I miss my son terribly but he will come home. He will drink out of the tap once again and eat food and neither will cause diarrhea. I highly doubt he went two weeks without having digestive problems the first year.
Hawaii? That’s a paradise. Philippines? I am laughing.
What I find therapeutic is updating Memories on FB that show up daily where her image is in the pic, or where she’s tagged. Because, when that Memory shows up again the same day next year, I want to NOT be reminded of the past, but rather good times.
Unfortunately, I can’t help or encourage my daughters do the same on their social posts. When they’ve come up to me re: a historical event that came up on their social feeds, my response is simply “yes, that was a good day,” but don’t take any shots against the ex aka idiot.
I know that she hasn’t updated anything on her social feeds, and do tend to be cautious if her family and friends have reached out to me. So far, so good in that no one’s come up to me to ask what happened, but if they do, I have nothing to hide.