I am about to embark on a separation, which most of the time I feel is leading to divorce (I live in a state that requires a one year and a day separation before legal divorce).
About 6 months ago, my husband went on a cruise with a couple of his dude bro pals (ugh, red flag ignored). When showing me his pics from the trip my gut started slapping me in the face saying, SOMETHING ISN’T RIGHT HERE. Well, a few weeks later, after doing some detective work and finding a full-frontal nude photo on his phone (which wasn’t for me — I’ve expressed in the past that wasn’t really my jam), I found out he hooked up with (but he SWEARS he didn’t sleep with her!!) this drunken fart brain and continued carrying on a “friendly” relationship with her afterwards.
The next several weeks consisted of trickle truths (new to me) and therapy and soul searching within myself and eventually I decided to try to make it work… he was talking to me more, we began communicating better, having sex again, he was empathizing with me more, he even read, digested, and made references to an article on emotional labor that I sent him!!! Holy shit, I started to have hope that this really COULD morph our relationship into something better than it was before!!
Theeeeeeeeeen I found a condom in the washer. It took two therapy sessions and me saying I still don’t believe you to get the truth out… he had gotten wasted at some bar with his dude bro friend again, his uber was late, so he went back into the bar and some drunk girl was all over him, her friend slipped a condom in his pocket and invited him to their place to hook up with said drunk friend (who has friends like that?!), he got into the car with them, and then had a “wait I’m about to fuck up again” moment, and got out of the car. All of this bullshit within 5 months of the last episode.
After much deliberation and buckets of tears, I have decided to call it. He said he would do what it took to keep me, until I decided not to stay, then self improvement or addiction counseling is no longer a priority or pressing issue for him. I have worked through most of what I need to with him. I thought I had firmly decided that I was no longer going to allow this in my life. That, even though my cheating/lying husband story isn’t as extreme as others’ stories might be, that this behavior isn’t okay with me. I CAN’T trust this person anymore, no matter how much I love him or cherish our bond — the trust is gone, and I don’t want to play detective for the rest of my life. I came to grips with this, and it hurts SO.FUCKING. BAD. But I know it’s what I need to do.
Enter the parental units — both sides. Without going into all details of the conversations I’ve had with them, let me just give you the gist of how I feel EVERY time I talk to one of them about it. That I’M not doing enough to keep it together. That I’M quitting. That I’M giving up too easily. That this marriage deserves more than this. That if he puts in the work, then why can’t I give him another chance — give our marriage another chance.
It’s got me all fucked up. It hurts and infuriates me. I told my mom I feel like she’s disappointed in me, she said she is disappointed in US. She believes that family and friends have a responsibility to speak up for their loved ones’ relationships. Am I giving this feeling of the parent’s opinion of my decision too much weight? or anyone’s opinion that doesn’t match what I think is best for me? Why am I seeking validation anyway, when I’ve already, finally, made the decision to not put up with this shit anymore?! Why do I have to be the one to “think about everything that we could lose” when he certainly didn’t think about that when he was cheating or lying?
I want to feel confident in what I’m doing and that this is the right path for me to heal. Does that confidence ever really stick?
Fuck your mother. Oh I know I’m supposed to defer to her age and wisdom, and tut-tut how lamentable it is that she can’t understand your point-of-view. She’s Only Trying to Save Your Marriage! I should give her a break because she’s just spouting the accepted Reconciliation Industrial Complex wisdom — that it takes two to break a marriage, that you’re a reflection of what your husband does, that really if you just tried harder and put on some lipstick, Chumpcat, you could win this dreamy drunken douchebag back!
Perhaps she’s still thinking of what this wedding cost. Perhaps she was looking forward to grandchildren. Perhaps she thinks your divorce will reflect badly on her. Maybe she thinks you do something that compels your husband to get wasted and fuck around. Whatever it is, Chumpcat, WORK WITH IT, fold your needs into tiny origami shapes and store them there in your purse, next to your lipstick. Now comb your hair, sit pretty, and wait for your husband to come home. Don’t be a failure, Darling.
I’m sorry you got that mother. (And father, and in-laws…)
I’m imagining a new mother for you. Let’s call her Boudica. She’s one part Celtic warrior queen, one part Aretha Franklin, and several parts avenging angel. Oh, she’s waiting for your husband to come home alright… so she can cave his head in.
(Douche stumbles in drunk…)
“DID YOU HURT MY DAUGHTER?!” shouts Boudica, unsheathing her sword.
Douche stares at her blankly, then stumbles towards freezer for a Hot Pocket.
A mistake. In one swift movement Boudica is at the freezer before him, has the Hot Pockets, and has knocked Douche to his knees with the flat side of her sword.
“SPEAK!” she commands him. “DID YOU HURT MY DAUGHTER? WHO IS THIS FART BRAIN WITH WHOM YOU TEXT?”
“We uh, hooked up. But we NEVER slept together! She’s um, ah friend.”
Boudica slams his face into the frozen box of Hot Pockets.
“SAY ‘FRIEND’ AGAIN. SAY IT!”
Boudica crushes his head again into the frozen snack treats. “DO YOU NEED TEETH TO SMILE FOR FART BRAIN, OR DOES SHE LOVE YOU FOR YOU?” Slam!
“It didn’t mean anyfwing!”
Douchebag is prostrate on the floor. Boudica is standing over him with her sword, boot on his neck. “YOU HAVE BROUGHT DISHONOR ON THIS HOUSE. THE PENALTY FOR HURTING MY DAUGHTER IS DEATH, BUT BECAUSE BOUDICA IS MERCIFUL, SHE WILL ALLOW YOU TO LEAVE AND NEVER RETURN.”
Boudica gazes down upon the vanquished Douchebag, his face a swollen mess of sinew and pulverized Hot Pockets, and takes a picture to upload to Douche’s social media. Hashtag #dontfuckwithmydaughter #Boudicadoesntplay
More like that, Chumpcat. Less Nancy Reagan Stepford wife, more avenging mother who will burn Londonium to ashes for harming her children.
WTF is wrong with your mother that she can’t see your value, that she thinks a drinking, womanizing douchebag is all you deserve, and worse — after he’s humiliated you, that you should FIGHT to keep him? Where is HER fight to protect you from harm? Shame on your mother!
I’m sorry she can’t be Boudica. So, here’s what every daughter must do in your situation — be your own Boudica. You get up on that horse and YOU lead the liberation campaign. Does Boudica do consensus studies? No, she does not. I’m sorry your family doesn’t approve of your decision to remove yourself from harm. That’s fine, they can sit on the sidelines and enjoy the spackle — you’ve got a war to wage, called divorce.
You don’t need their validation that leaving a drunken man-child is for the best. This is YOUR life. Warrior queens know their worth.
When I complained about sparkledick to my parents I got “But who is going to keep your feet warm at night?” from my mother and “you complain too much” from my father.
What to expect: my dad was a huge chump, my mother a great manipulador to get away with her cheating (my dad raised a daughter that was not his), so Boudicas were never going to happen for me. I remember feeling so lonely.
Chumpcat, you are on your own, be brave. Like someone wrote yesterday here at CN, when you need courage it shows up. Hugs.
“But who is going to keep your feet warm at night?”
Socks, Mom. They’re called socks.
Yes! Or cats or maybe a dog – much more loyal 🙂
Hot water bottle
Thank you Chump Ladyand fellow CN! I really needed this today! I also have a narcotic negligent mother. She has her own fucked up relation ship issues with my dad that she allows to continue. Because lawyers cost too much. Yes She has been really good at times but holy God I really want a warrior queen! Now I am practicing getting to become that fierce warrior. Its 1 month since d day. Right before the holidays! Yep trickle truth all the above, just friends bullshit. Office co-worker. I have enough ammo to get her fired. Him too of course. Ho worker dick face! Her nose looks like a penis! One of those. Totally ugly inside and out. A real woman would never tolerate another woman boyfriend chasing her. She has some fucked up rotten issues. Not my problem. They can have each other. Im angry I didn’t see it! Im angry at him having fun behind my back. I thought he was a wonderful and loyal guy who would never cheat. Apparently I was wrong! The shock is so unbelievable I asked my doctor for panic attack medicine. Now looking for a therapist last 3 weeks that accepts Medicare/Medi-cal which is actually very difficult. Amazing how fucking childish and selfish people can be! In their 50’s! I am a pretty and super awesome, sweet loving woman at 40. What an idiot to throw me away. I also have chronic kidney disease on dialysis from autoimmune disease. Apparently I never got the memo he was unhappy with me last 9 months of 4 year relationship! Who does that shit? A child. A 53 year old child. Fuck him, fuck her, I am real and I am a committed person who is loyal. I at the very least love myself enough to break up with someone if I am not happy. It’s the right thing to do. I have a conscious. I can at least walk away knowing I was totally real and genuine. I didn’t use anyone to make myself feel better.
My mom and some of my friends are not the protective warrior I need. It really does make things harder! I need the creativity of envisioning a warrior who can confront and torture these fucktards who selfishly got their jolly behind my back. Karma is a bitch and she never forgets an address. Right now I am PISSED so I want revenge. But I cannot wait to stop caring and get to Meh. Its a process, and yes it hurts so much! Especially as I go through so much medically. Chump Ladyis right, we all need to become our own Boudica. Its extra work for sure, but when family and friends suck, you must develop your own warrior!
I am feeling you pain. Ho-workers and their jollies. Until you find out and they don’t want accountability. Then they’re twu wuvs.
Thank you! It feels nice to have support and not feel so alone when the man you thought you loved fucks his ho-worker!. His excuse…”well I have to see her every day at work”.Hopefully Chump lady can use those gems in “shit cheaters say”. Thank God for Chump Nation and all of the fellow chumps. Unite in solidarity! Lets unite our fiery swords together and pledge no more assholes!
I know exactly how you feel I’m out of horrible D day three years this Dec. 2019, thank GOD It’s been “HELL ON EARTH”! I too have a mother that isn’t strong she put up with massive BS from my dad also years back. But like CL says you can be your own “BOUTICA” your strong. Yes “DIVORCE IS HELL” and expensive but your self worth is so much more important! You will find a decent man!????
My mother wasn’t alive to see the Welsh Manwhore’s antics, but my MMA trained nephews were. When they heard he spent the whole weekend after D-Day sitting on a couch I bought in the house my parents bought cheating on me with a phone bought on my credit, the eldest offered to remove him from the family home.
We all knew, however that it was a Sunday and the ‘Red Wedding’ Episode of Game of Throne was about to be on. Our family has priorities. Cold Slab O’Meat was NOT going to ruin GOT for me.
So I took the stack of moving boxes my sister pulled out of her attic, came home, dropped him at his feet and said,
You have two weeks to get the fuck out of MY HOUSE or my son and nephews will come put your stuff and you out.
This fucker had the gall to ask me to help him find an apartment.
My sister came to the final dissolution hearing . After, he tried to hold the elevator for us. My sister, all 5’1” of her, iced him down with a look and said, ‘WE’LL WAIT.’
And that is how Cold Slab O’Meat found out my family and I not come to play with his hoes.
*Correction, GOT fans. It was The Watchers on the Wall, not The Rains of Castamere. Hahahahahaha. I sometimes wish I had let them do it just for the look on his Slab O’Meat Fayce
That would have been a wonderful thing to record for posterity. Alas!
But I bet him wilting before your sister and anyone else in the vicinity felt pretty awesome.
Secondary gaslighting. The calling card of dysfunctional family systems.
I told my narcissistic dad everything, and i mean everything. Still he asks if we are getting back together over a year later and I’m happy for once. WTF Dad? He’s the guy that programmed me into believing i need a man to be financially secure. Main reason i stayed 7 years, 1 wedding and 5 D Days too long. Turned out fuckwit was a master of financial abuse as well. Now I’m loaded, well not skint like i was with him.
Tell the parents to fuck off with their gaslighting. I prefer to do it by gif. Snappier.
NenaB is right. You likely don’t think of your family as dysfunctional but here we are. You will address this after you have found a good lawyer, served this man child who manipulates you, and gotten him out of your living space. Thee will come a time when you can dig into what your family normalized for you and what they decided was ok behavior that really isn’t. That comes when you have the strength. Until then don’t talk much about your divorce with them. Come find us. The reddit is full of support and insight.
We will support you. We will educate you. We will help you understand what is going on. It’s not easy. You need support. The best thing you can do right now is to understand that you won’t get that from your family. What you will get there is manipulation and gaslighting. So don’t go there. Come to us. We understand. We can commiserate and help you see things from a different perspective. You may have to be your own Boudica, but you don’t have to be alone. Read Chumplady. Read the archives. Read her books. Leave that Chester and gain s life. We’re here to help.
Dads sometimes worry about the money. I guess with men always traditionally being ‘providers’ they focus on that. My dad hated my ex, but he worried that I would lose the house if I left. When I left though he fully supported it.
My deceased father was an abusive narcissist. But when he found out all that my XW did he told me to divorce her and then paid $15,000 towards the divorce. I was shocked. He was so cheap that he refused to buy us kids toys, saying we could play with sticks. BUT he absolutely hated my XW!
OMG my Dad would say we could bang on pots and pans ????
I forgive him though, now that he’s gone to the other dimension.
Parents, gotta love em!
My son had plenty of toys but he LOVED banging on pots and pans.
Well, God rest him. He came through for you at least once, when you really needed it.
I know what you mean about the financial thing. My household income was cut by 40% when fuckwad left….but I find myself doing seemingly better since he isn’t there pissing away money on fast food, video games and expensive-ass electronics. I had enough shit in here to open an Apple store.
Can I assume Chump Lady has seen “Once Upon A Time In Hollywood” and drawn inspiration?
Oh my lord, the fantasy of me pulling the Brad Pitt moves on the Deluded Turd and the Conceited Ho is too fabulous for words. Disturbing and gory yes, but fabulous.
Here’s the good news, family can be more than those you share blood with. You may have joined the club no one wants to join, but CN here is pretty damned supportive and loving. Got a friend who is there for you and supporting you? Awesome! Celebrate that unbiological sibling and do what needs to be done to free yourself. Need to vent? There’s almost always someone from either the FB group or the reddit group that can help with the emotional support stuff.
My greatest support came not from my church friends — but from MY KNITTING AND FIBER FRIENDS. They were, and continue to be, a great source of support and strength. I also found that the more I opened up and shared, the more support I received. While public crying is not something I am proud of, it does rally your true friends. You may find great support in the unlikeliest of places. Many people have walked this road before us, but you never know until you start to share your story.
The greatest support Didn’t come from the people I expected it to! It was hurtful, shocking and I just didn’t know what to do about it. Lifelong friends, telling me it wasn’t my story to tell and maybe he should be the one to tell about his new girlfriend (his OW,AP,Ho, we’re still married mistress). I HAVE gotten much support from people I haven’t talked to in 20 years, from other friends I’ve only known 5 years or less, from strangers even. But the lifelong, couple friends….not them. Unbelievable.
Love CL’s story of mighty mother Boudica! Chumpcat, your mother is only thinking of herself. Maybe she doesn’t want to be embarrassed having to tell her friends/relatives you’re divorcing that man whore.
You’re doing the right thing by kicking that good for nothing, lying, cheating, fucktard to the curb and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Who cares what your Mother thinks. It is your life and you deserve to to live a life without a manchild. A manchild that shows so little value in your marriage. Send your husband to live with your Mother and she can deal with him. You deserve to be happy and safe. Put yourself first. To hell with anyone who would want you to live in an abusive marriage.
I should stress your mother has nothing to be embarrassed about. She should be proud she raised a confident, strong woman who is not willing to tolerate such disrespect and abuse from anyone! The marriage doesn’t deserve more, YOU do. He can rot in hell.
Absolutely, WarriorPrincess! I feel blessed that my parents and my sisters truly supported me. I can’t say the same for some of the “good” friends I thought I had, particularly my “best-friend” of 20+ years. I quickly narrowed my field of “friends” dramatically and I don’t miss any of them. That’s hard to do with family, but I’m stunned by OP’s parents’s reaction to this, and am particularly stunned by her mother’s reaction to it.
Boom! CL you on fire today
My sister & sister -in- law kept in touch with my ex & wanted to ‘help’ when he had the kids 3% of the time. I told them off so well that I even blush now. I stroked that match and burned that bridge. I told them off so well that I will never be in their lives again. Bye Bye. My kids went from having 14 caring adults in their life weekly to 2, my parents. My mom made it about her & was pissed that I caused a war in her family & Eventually told me she forgave me. Ha! I seriously considered that number to be 1 caring adult & cuting out my mom but I never got there. But my mom also knows we will never discuss it again. If she brings it up I will never speak to her. Family sucks. Take care of you. 2.5 years post DDay & it’s better.
In my experience, Chumpcat, there will be people like your family who look on your decision to leave a marriage with judgment or skepticism, AND you will discover there is a whole host of people who will look you in the eye and say, “I understand. I’ve lived that too. Good on you for leaving.” I didn’t really know about the supportive people because I’d never looked past the judgy ones before.
A lot of the judgy ones are living in fear–fear that the horrible things that are happening to you will happen to them. They desperately want to believe that by blaming the people suffering from infidelity (or any number of other problems), they can find reassurance that they are safe. They may be living in lousy marriages too and want you to do the same to justify their own decision.
Your self-confidence will grow as time goes on and you learn that you are happier, there are lots of people who have survived and thrived after making similar decisions. If you are lucky, you’ll become more empathetic, more resilient, and more joyful.
I’m not saying any of this comes easy, but ten years from now, you’ll look back on your doubts and realize how much you were trained to be worried, self-blaming, passive, and accepting–and how much more you appreciate life when you aren’t dealing with a lousy spouse. No one needs a husband who goes on a cruise with his “bros” and sends nudes to the women he meets on it. No one. He may be a fun guy or hard working guy or have other good qualities, but he does not want to be married; he sounds like the sort of juvenile who is acting out to destroy his marriage so that you’ll be the bad guy and divorce him. Give him this one last gift–not because he deserves it, but because you do.
Well said. Agree 100%
My doddery old mom flew out to Denmark with my other sister to “find out what the F was going on with BIL over there”. Turns out he had a “Russian lady friend” he met over the internet and you can guess the rest. They set my sister up with everything she needed as the Danish dickhead emptied the house out for his Russian whore. THEN she flew out to me (even more doddery – her not me) to find out what the F was going on over here!!! I tell you, she could barely get upstairs (she was in her late 80s at the time) but she came out to “make sure I was all right”. Between her and my 2 sisters I got all the Boudica I needed. When she was 94, and just before she died, she said “he always was a dick wasn’t he”! Gotta love my mom! I feel sorry for those that don’t but as someone said upthread, sort the divorce out first and then deal with FOO issues! Good luck!
My family and inlaws all supported me and I’m still good relationship with them. In the beginning through the shock and dancing etc they tried to help me save the marriage, once I had gave up on the marriage they still supported my decision. My family really loved him and his family really loved me. But a couple things I will never forget, once my sister ( always a sweet, kind, non confrontational) found out she did the NO MORE EVER CONTACT that would even make Chump Lady proud. Never saw or spoke to him again because she said she didn’t want to be responsible for what “might” happen. Yes she was a Don’t Mess with my SISTER or else… she was ready to defend her sister like a bully on the playground.
The other thing is kinda of funny now and we can all joke about it but it does reflect the passion a mother has for her child no matter and I loved this story because it just shows how everyone shouldn’t be blamed for their reaction. When just after BD I was a blubbering mess on the phone with Mom telling her my world was blow up and I was so worried about now XH having midlife crisis but found out he was really cheating. My Mom who had never actually cursed other than an occasional “shit”, “darn”, etc said she didn’t “give a FUCK about him, didn’t care what the FUCK happened to him, he can FUCK off”.!!! You know at the exact time I was so shocked to hear Mom that deeply and righteously pissed off that I understood there was no other word in the language to express it.
Your mom rocks, and I think I would have burst out laughing to hear my old mom say “F”! Ain’t they great!
Lol! I didn’t hear my Mom (a Brit) drop an F bomb until I was well into my 20’s!! When she finally did, I was stunned and confused for about a minute. Then it was just hilarious! Apparently she’d been saving that up for years, haha, god love her. We laughed till we cried. <3
Lucky!! My whole in-laws blame me for ruining him and ruining the family. Like wtf he was the one who cheated on me, who violated me, who destroyed our family not me!! But 3 months into a restraining order and they still fail to see he was at fault.
Its horrible when they say “it didn’t mean anything”, why do it then. Their incapable of thinking about anybody but themselves
Your mother, what was she like before hand, supportive, empathic, or only cared about herself. She could be thinking how does this make me look. what was the relationship like between her and your dad.
Chumpcat you are awesome. You trusted your instincts, and decided relatively quickly you could not trust this guy. The parent’s should be supporting you. Anyway you seem wise. I wanna be like you. Staying with a cheater could disable your unborn children due to exposure to STDs.
This. I also feel the need to call out that guy’s absolute BS story.
He’s already cheated, but the next time, he didn’t cheat! He escaped two drunken kidnappers/condom donors who wanted to steal his virtue!
Made himself the hero of the story: typical.
Blamed the women: typical.
Told the story of his heroic escape only AFTER he got caught: yup.
The “I didn’t even want to be there, but those temptresses could. not. resist. my. dadbod” excuse: again, typical.
Thinks his wife should admire his moral courage, and start a pick-me-dance so he won’t cave to random women trying to lure him into their cars: yup.
Good call, OP. They all read from the same script.
Yeah, I was wondering if anyone else was going to note that. I mean, the guy has a pattern of trickle-truthing, and this story is ludicrously thin. My money’s on either actual cheating, or trying and the woman turned him down.
Chumpcat, I imagine if you really examine your history with your Mom you will see she is often disappointed in you. I’m reasonably certain we have the same Mom. Since I’ve lived with her longer you can benefit from my experience. She will never approve of you. She will never validate your choices. She is only thinking of herself. Don’t even think about her. You think about Chumpcat. Put Chumpcat’s needs first, she won’t.
Now get ready for her manipulations, unwanted commentary and gaslighting. Ignore it all. Chumpcat, she is not the boss of you. Ignore anyone who doesn’t defend you from the abuse that is adultery.
Get your ducks in a row and leave him. He doesn’t deserve you. He is cheating, he will continue to cheat. Don’t involve anyone in your preparations for divorce. Don’t give them an opportunity to interfere with you. Don’t talk to him about it. The time for talking is over. He had multiple chances and continued to cheat. Channel your inner warrior goddess and leave this pain behind.
I’m so sorry you are getting this from your parents. You have two separate incidences with him and that is only what you found out about on your own. I think you’d be safe in assuming there’s a lot more that he’s carefully hidden and some of it may be just as extreme as what others on this forum have experienced.
I kicked my ex out of the house on D day and my D day was a real doozy, complete with a nasty stripper/prostitute who called me to rat him out and she provided me with proof. Turns out she was blackmailing my now ex-husband. He didn’t pay her so she made good on her threat to call me. Her parting words to me were “there are others”. Turns out, she was correct. Multiple others, just like her.
I kicked him out on D day and soon told my parents. My Dad came over and changed all of the locks on my home to keep him out. My ex had the audacity to go to my parents house to cry to them and tell them how much he loved me. My Dad flat-out told him that he did not believe that he loved me because men who love their wives do not cheat on them. Then my ex tried to get my Mom on his side. He sent her a letter, which she promptly returned to him, unopened and marked “refused”. To this day, I have absolutely no interest at all in the contents of that letter.
I’m so sorry you do not have this kind of support from your parents. The best advice I could give you is to continue to listen to your gut, and to continue to look out for what is best for you emotionally and financially. Get an attorney and find out your rights.
This is the only life you are going to get. You don’t want to be the woman who spends years of her life trying to believe a liar and a cheater. That is a soul-sucking experience that no one should ever have to go through, yet many do, and later regret it deeply as they realize their gut was telling them the truth the entire time.
Stay strong and big hugs!
I am blessed with a Boudica mom!!! She has had my back every moment of this journey. Don’t fuck with her…or me. ????.
This really touched a nerve in me. I got this type of “advice” from some of my family.
My ex mother in law wrote me a letter about forgiveness like Jesus. Yes, her son had done wrong, but no one is perfect, including me. She said she was worried about my eternal soul.
My father said he talked to my ex and he swore that the OW was just a friend. I then said did he tell you about the email where he asked her to join the mile high club? He said, “Uh, no…” My father is still great friends with my ex and they golf. I have a fantasy that he would to punch my ex. for hurting me. Sadly no.
My mom took my side, I am blessed with her support.
Chumpcat you know the answer he has fucked multiple women, he will continue. There is no US, there is you. Get the divorce and get a new life. Tell your mom she can have him in the divorce!!!
This is the best one ever!
I got similar shit from my mom and ex mother-in-law. Clueless? Narcissistic? Denial? I have no idea? What I do know is u will be supported here. Glad u see the light. Yep. It hurts like a mother fucker but 5 years out u will look back and say thank goodness I left that POS behind. Your on your way just follow the yellow brick road to gaining a life. ????????????????
Hot pockets. Funny.
Was anybody else inspired to roll a DnD character based on Boudica?
She’d obviously be an Aasimir bear-totem barbarian, right?
Or would she be an Aasimir vengence paladin?
I don’t think Boudica needed a totem animal. That is pure vengeance paladin who has reached full angel of justice.
Screw all that noise!! You deserve better! That is right up there with Switzerland friends. Luckily my mom totally supports me. Not so much most of his family and so called friends. I cut them off! While you probably can’t do that with your own family you can absolutely choose to not listen to that crap!! You are mighty!! We have your back❤️
My family didn’t support me either. I had to do what was best for me and stop involving them in it.
OMG, Boudica, too funny and right on!!!!!
I’ve noticed that many chumps were raised by parents who did not cherish them. Parents who lived for appearances and/or did not protect or nurture their children well.
Oh Mitz, I see you met my mother.
It’s always the “friends” giving the cheaters their condoms.
Congratulations on your separation and future divorce. I’m very sorry you have to deal with crap about your decision. Ask your parents exactly how many chances are you supposed to give that little worm?
While I wholly agree with these comments if it’s a one-off comment I think parents can be also very upset by these things and they sparkle like we do about the sanctity of marriage/family unit/thinking about the flaming upheaval it will cause and maybe they do think it would be easier of you stayed. I could understand someone voicing this once, you saying you didn’t feel like that and them saying sorry they weren’t thinking. We’ve all thought these things anyone who had a chance to pick me dance ourselves but yeah one mistake and then it’s you had better have my back, don’t blame me or say stupid shit like that. I would say on no uncertain terms that you don’t accept this from them.
Parents can also be more traditional about this like marriage (or not, can be the reverse) and their thoughts and values don’t necessarily align with ours which is when they should politely shut the fuck up.
That said I’m sure as a teen I was pretty keen to tell my parents (bless them) what I thought about everything and everyone and didn’t give one iota of thought about their feelings. Both gone now, thank god they didn’t see this sh+t show. Most of all they would have been heartbroken by the deceit and me being treated like that but my dad would have questioned my role in it for sure in a traditional male way but he would have overall had my back. He would have probably blamed himself for me needing to help him as he got older and spend which is even worse.
That’s why I can’t expect MIL to really do anything other than take sides. I’ll soon fade into their past conveniently.
Sorry about your Mom. I have been fortunate. My Mom is tougher than nails. She just ran the Indianapolis Marathon. She was the oldest person in it at 75 and did not finish last. She has been supportive and good at giving me the metaphorical get a grip slap when I need it too. You will find someone like that. CL & CN is here.
This totally could have been written for me. I told my father-in-law of how we are separating. He said, “Y’all worked this hard and have everything and want to throw it away!” I then informed his son chose to cheat. He just looked at me like I was crazy. After this, I stayed. I found out he kept seeing her again. I stayed. I then found out a third time. I was done. I then one day called my father-in-law and told him his son was with her at the time. He said, “Y’all are getting a divorce so it’s none of your business!”. I deleted his cell number and haven’t called him since. We have been divorced since June 2018. Do what is right for you. Do not allow others to hurt you further.
My Father-In-Law is scum too. The 1st time I told him what was going on while his son was in another state with the whore was “It’s so sad”. I called another time after Ex’s threatened me and kids out of house to try to get him to calm the ex down (stupid me) and all he could say “It’s so sad.” He has then spent the whole time funding ex’s lawyer and all his bills for the last 3 years, so ex and his whore don’t have to work. I have never talked to him again. I went to a funeral of one of father-in-laws brothers; because he was good to me; didn’t even look or speak to ex-father-in-law. Divorce had been final over year and any family or extended family that stayed friends with ex I have blocked or deleted from my life. Lucky for me that has only been four people.
Finding Peace – I too believe my ex father-in-law assist my ex with his lawyer. I was so close with him until this all occurred. He then treated me as if he didn’t even know me. I wonder if him being a player himself had something to do with it. SMH! He once bragged about having dated 5 woman named Brenda. Everyone laughed. He dated for years without remarrying. His best friend as well. His best friend died of cancer. Well, my ex FIL now is dating his best friends widowed wife. The stuff I could tell you guys. Crazy!!!
It’s my early work morning and I just have a short bit of time, so if I duplicate something anyone already wrote, I beg your grace.
As chumps, we tend to be people who learned early on to accommodate and respond to people whose ethics and consciences are far less solid than ours. As a result, we often find that the people who were in our lives as we grew up are mostly pretty narcissistic and toxic.
Part of the pain of ditching the horribleness of a cheater includes recognizing that we can’t live a life where we let anyone treat us like we don’t matter. The gaining of a life generally involves the leaving of the cheater PLUS all the other people who taught us that life had nothing better to offer us than people who cheat us.
Those people are flatly incorrect, by the way. Life has WAY better to offer.
There will be some people who will shift to accommodate your new boundaries as you learn to set them. There will be others who can’t, or won’t, or in any case, don’t. One thing is certain — a person’s response to your healthy boundary can’t be a determining factor in whether you set and maintain it or not. That decision, and responsibility, lies entirely with you.
You don’t have to negotiate with people who have no business giving input in your decision to leave a cheater. If someone thinks you should do it differently, that person is welcome to get a therapist or bitch to their friends. You don’t have to support them and you don’t need their useless and inaccurate input.
Yes, you might lose those people. It might be tough at first. I mean, it WILL be tough, and maybe for a long time. Even so, as a person who values family very deeply AND keeps in very little touch with most of her family of origin, I can tell you from the other side over here that the sanity and peace I have gained is worth all of it.
When a person tells you to do what you are not going to do, it’s a courtesy if you respond at all. And, it’s absolutely ok to say “my decision is made, it’s not open for negotiation, and I won’t discuss it further with you”, then select a new subject. If the person can’t respect that, maybe the person needs to see less of the gift that is you. Because you are, in fact, gifts, my friends.
That’s my rather unvarnished opinion, and you get to do what works for you with my full support whether it agrees with my opinion or not. But if you need a permission slip from a stranger to say no to pushy judges in your life, just know you have one, right here, from lil’ ol’ Amiisfree.
Though I may be little, I be fierce. ????????
Love this post. Thanks for the great insight, I can relate to ALL of it.
This is beautiful, Amiisfree.
Oh boy there are so many things about this sticking in my side…
1) He “hooked up with” but “didn’t sleep with her.” …Is he aware of what “hooked up” means? Hooking up literally means having sex. That’s…that’s what hooking up is. Friends With Benefits hook up. Go out to a bar, pick up a one nighter, hook up with them. He absolutely did sleep with her because that is the definition of the phrase. He might as well be saying “I had sex with her but didn’t fuck her.” So either he doesn’t know what that phrase means (he does…come on…) or he really thinks you’re that dumb that you don’t know. Neither of these things is good.
2) I seriously doubt he had a “oh oops I’m about to mess up again” moment and got out of the car. I would put money, I would put every dollar I have in my savings account down, that he got all the way to the apartment and had sex with one of those bar women. Mr. I Hooked Up But Didn’t Sleep With Her didn’t have a conscience on his bro cruise, he didn’t grow one at that bar. No, I just don’t believe that and neither should you.
3) I would also pretty much guarantee this didn’t happen by chance and his bro buddies probably not only encouraged it, but I wouldn’t put it past them to be wing-manning him at these things. Notice both times something like this happened it was with the same “friends” of his? Yeah, those are people who don’t give a crap about you, your marriage, and probably don’t care about fidelity in a relationship in general. These are the kinds of brodouches who slap your husband on the shoulder and say “What your wife don’t know won’t hurt her!” or “Hey man, she’s hot, I’ll cover you if wife asks…” “It’s not cheating if…” is their rallying call. These are the What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas kinds of complete untrustworthy jerks. A real friend would be like “Hey, bro, what are you doing? You’re married, don’t go home with that chick, don’t give her your number, it’s not cool.” Your STBX husband’s friends always seem to be present when he cheats on you so I’m going to venture to say they do nothing to stop it and are willing vectors to make it happen.
Yes, the confidence will eventually stick. This isn’t your fault in any way. You should be able to trust your husband when he goes out, and you should be able to trust his friends. If he’s always drunk when he cheats, that’s just a man who both doesn’t care about the foundation of your marriage AND cannot control himself around substances. You have every right to walk away from that and it is not your responsibility to fix. You already tried that and he broke your trust again less than half a year later. The only thing sticking around for this will bring you is more garbage you shouldn’t have to clean up. It’s a shame your mother cannot support you in that because you are making the right choice for you, your mental health, your emotional health, and your life.
Your marriage isn’t another sequel to The Hangover and your husband isn’t Bradley Cooper so keep doing right by you and go forward with the divorce. You are absolutely making the right choice.
FWIW, at my college “hooking up” meant “heavily making out but not fucking.” You’d just say slept together, had sex, etc., if that’s what went down (no pun intended).
That said, it was a very small school and I doubt this guy went there. They had sex.
Loved this column, and I wish we’d all had Boudicca mothers.
I’ve only ever known it to mean having sex. But even under the context of your college, it still isn’t an acceptable thing to do when you’re married.
I think this guy is just really shit at coming up with excuses and probably thinks Chumpcat doesn’t know what it means. Or just thinks she’s stupid. I mean…you have to have zero respect for your wife and think very little of her intelligence if she puts hard evidence of cheating in front of your face and still try to deny it.
Which is why I don’t believe the “I realized I was gonna mess up again and got out of the car” story. Bullshit. I think this guy is such a huge jerk, and has such jerk friends, that his lame excuses are doubling as insults to Chumpcats intelligence. He’s like…peak frat boy douchebag here.
To add to that: I doubt drunk bar girl’s friend put the condom in his pocket. I would bet his Bro Cruise buddy put it there.
I’ve always thought “hooking up” was deliberately vague – it could be anything from kissing to full-on PIV or beyond. It usually means sex, but it’s deliberately constructed to have just enough doubt that no one can call you on it for sure. Basically, it’s designed for exactly this type of situation: when you are admitting to something but don’t want to be completely open about what you’re admitting to.
Classic cheater fog/trickle truth. It’s a shame Chumpcat doesn’t have the support of her mother, but she is definitely doing the right thing not putting up with it anymore.
This is a really hard one for me. I grew up thinking I had the best family. And maybe I did back in the day, or maybe I just didn’t pay attention
A**hole blew up our family up about 10 years ago. Whenever my mother is mad at me she says “no wonder he left you because you are so fat and ugly!” My own mother-painful even after 10 years. At that time she had the very very beginning stages of dementia, so everyone tells me it is the disease talking so I need to let it go. I don’t know how to reconcile hearing that from my own mother, when she was still active, driving, paying bills and playing bridge. 10 years later I have become her main caregiver and get high anxiety when I am with her
My father, who I was so close to and who held me for a whole weekend after move out, reverted back to calling my ex for medical advice and “just to talk”. Years later I found out dad was giving ex expensive gift cards to ex and vajayjay’s favorite restaurant after receiving the medical advice. I have become dads main caretaker also
I am still in therapy after all this time and also caregiver support groups. The therapy is not so much for the PTSD/anxiety I was diagnosed with 10 years ago, but for what has become my dynamic with parents and siblings.
I don’t even know what to say about the last 10 years. Some very very good times-my sons marriages, grandchildren and sons love and support for me. All very good
Then the FOO side. Not much joy or happiness and many painful times over the last 10 years with parents and siblings. In retrospect I now understand that parents and several sibs definitely are narcissists, and I have been the brunt of their issues because I have allowed it.
I hope my children and grandchildren know that I will be a warrior for them if ever needed.
I’m currently the main caregiver for my mother, also. And she is also the type of person who undercuts and deals out backhanded “compliments.” Despite our dysfunctional family history, I managed to have an ok relationship with her because I lived 1000 miles away so we didn’t see each other very often, and then only for short visits, but after having my eyes opened to the passive aggressive abuse of my now ex and now living across the street from and spending four to five hours a day with my mom I see a lot I never did before.
Like your Mom, mine has some cognitive decline, which as been exacerbated by a couple of strokes. But she can also be fiercely independent and stubborn, which makes balancing giving her the care she while fostering her independence difficult, especially given the ugly moments. And like you, I struggle all the time to figure out how much of her behavior is the result of strokes, and how much of it is just garden variety same ol’ Mom.
My siblings are quite happy for me to bear the brunt of the care for as long as I’ll do it, in order to let Mom stay in her home. My sister did it for a year, and now I’m on duty. But unlike my sister, I’m not just going to announce “I”m done,” and then leave. My siblings know when I’m leaving, and I’ll be reminding them again at the New Year, so we can all, Mom included, make some decisions about what’s next for Mom (she can afford assisted living but doesn’t want to move). The boundary I’ve drawn is, “I’m responsible for seeing that Mom is cared for, but I’m not responsible for providing that care all by myself, and sacrificing my life to hers.”
Maybe it’s time you explore other options for living for your parents, or how to hand off your parents’ care to another sibling, or to demand some more help from them. Because they don’t sound as if they are good people for you to be around.
Agree with you Adelante.. Caregiving is the hardest job I’ve ever had. Thankless and so difficult to see your parents decline
Brothers live out of state and country. Sister helps, but she is the biggest narcissist of all so avoid her as much as possible.
Have been trying to make other living/caregiving arrangements for several years without success for various reasons
It saddens me that I did not have any family warriors, other than my loving sons, during the discard.
Ruggermom, I hope you can be a fierce warrior goddess for yourself. I am being my very own Mama Grizzly. I protect myself like a Mama Grizzly protects her cubs. I will eat you alive. You deserve that protection too.
FOO won’t like your new stance. They will hate your boundaries. That is how you know your boundaries are protecting you. You deserve a better life with people who live and support you.
I think when we are raised in a Nest of Narcissists we just continue in abusive relationships. They are comfortable. We expect to be used. It is what we know. We don’t know how to exist outside of that toxicity. I’ve been in therapy to resolve these issues with my FOO. It is part of fixing my picker.
Put that oxygen mask on your own face first. Take the very best care of yourself. You deserve it.
My mother is old.
I was telling her about working on getting the divorce and why and she nodded in sympathy.
When I left the nursing facility that night she walked me out of her room and the last thing she said to me was “will you tell sad sausage that I love him.”
Stunned, I said, “mom, tell him yourself.”
It is my hope that the look on my face registered with her on some level.
After that I said to myself, fuck that shit.
Since, she has been very supportive.
I guess she had to think about who is making trips to see her and taking care of her business and who doesn’t give a shit about her.
Regardless, I have Langele’s back.
And I am a boudica mother and friend.
As formerly married DUDE and real family man. I can attest, and probably for 85% or higher of other married DUDES, that it never entered my mind to go on a cruise with my DUDE friends. Went on a DUDE golf weekend trip ONE time. But guess what? I also took my SON, WIFE and MIL with me. We spent the morning at the zoo. Then played a round at a great course with the DUDES. Got back at dinner time. Took the family to inner. Played at the hotel pool that had a great water slide with our 4 year old son and family. Stayed at the hotel with my family that night as a family man should. I did not care what the other married or single DUDE friends did that night. Woke up early and had breakfast with the family. Went to the aquarium for a few hours. Got with the DUDES again to play 18 more. Rejoined family who went to the natural history and science museum while I was with the DUDES. Grabbed another quick dinner and drove us all back home. Point is. It was the ONLY type of DUDE trip I ever did in 17 years of marriage and never occurred to me to exclude my family. I have no inclination whatsoever to go on a cruise with my DUDE friends. LOL. Especially being married. WEIRDOS and cheaters.
I was married 24 years and NEVER went on a dude getaway alone. Golfing, movies, football, yes, but never out really late or overnight. Never to a bar. If it was a dude getaway, the families came with and we would spend an afternoon or evening doing guy stuff. My XW went out on girl weekends and out “dancing” late at night. Who knows what she did.
My ex went on “man trips” almost every year. I didn’t think anything of it. Maybe this should’ve been a red flag, I don’t know. One thing I do know, he had money to pay for his man trips, but never had money to pay his monthly bills. THAT was always a red flag for me which is why I never married him.
yeah, just want to add my voice to the chorus of MEN
who were happily married for decades (22 years here)
and NEVER ONCE just happened to find themselves
being inappropriate with women while out with the DUDES
did i enjoy:
going to a baseball game & enjoying not having to take the kids to pee every inning?
steaks and martinis and bad language before everyone stumbles to an uber?
a bachelor party consisting of breakfast burritos, deep sea fishing & strong weed (but no strippers)!
…but actually hitting on women who aren’t our wives? for real?
no thank you: we’re real men
which is to say we are fathers and husbands with integrity
and have plenty of practice letting a pretty woman walk on by
appreciating her visually, but never making that move
because we understand that real masculinity
isn’t about who wants sex with women the most
but about being someone who can be relied on
to do the right thing
whether or not someone is watching
Well said, FSW Mid Atlantic. Thank you for pointing that out! I hate HATE it when someone says “All men are dogs” because NO THEY ARE NOT and there are awesome men who have the integrity & priority to live as honorable, trustworthy men. Just because lying, con-artist cheaters want to justify their b.s., doesn’t mean anyone should believe it.
Thank you for this. This is the mom I will be for my daughter. But I will have also used my broadsword to cut off a couple of teeny tiny decorative ornaments.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did you need those?”
PS….dear Chumpcat, I am so sorry you are surrounded by family that doesn’t have your back. I know first hand how painful that is.
I didn’t even tell my parents about the state of my marriage until I was almost 1 year divorced. I couldn’t trust my narcissistic mother to not make me feel worse and we don’t live nearby or talk all that often. She and my dad were supportive once it was all over, thankfully.
I married a narcissist because I was trying to resolve my poor relationship with my mother. Now that I see this, I hope my picker is fixed or at least that I will run from the red flags. And there were many, many red flags that I ignored for almost 25 years.
It’s a shame when our parents can’t protect and support us the way they ought to. But that I goodness for places like Chump Lady to get us through.
“It’s a shame when our parents can’t protect and support us the way they ought to.”
Yes. Maybe over-sharing, but when I was about 12 my mother came into my bedroom one night and said, “You have to go up to the hay barn, because Daddy is up there with a gun threatening to kill himself, and he loves you enough to put the gun down.”
I refused to go and felt guilty about it for most of my life (he didn’t kill himself that night, but years later did). I was so busy feeling guilty that I didn’t see until very very recently that my mother was willing to sacrifice me and risk my life. Yes, she was an abused woman, but even so her actions and words had and have consequences.
That’s truly terrible, Adelante. It was never to that extreme with my mother, although my father did tell me I needed to behave the way my mother wanted because she would cry to him all the time that having children wasn’t worth it. I just stared at my dad and asked him how he thought we kids felt knowing all of our lives that our mother didn’t think having us was worth it. He looked ashamed but also said nothing further on the subject. My mother is a narcissist, but I almost feel my father’s betrayal was worse.
Spending my whole life knowing my mother didn’t think I was worth it… it’s no shock I married someone who devalued me also.
I’m so glad you were self-protecting enough to the barn. I had a close friend whose father committed suicide under similar circumstances to yours and was sent by his mother to stop his father — I think he was about 12 also. The father did kill himself that night, and my friend was haunted by it for the rest of his life.
I’m sorry you had to hear that about your mom and be burdened with knowing she say you as an unwelcome burden.
I’m sorry, too, about the loss of your friend, and what he must have suffered. My sister was the one who discovered my father dying after he did shoot himself years later.
You’re so right that the early conditioning pre-disposed us to being subject to people who were like our parents. I have only recently realized that being told that because I was loved by my father he would put the gun down pre-disposed me to thinking I could control other people’s behavior if only I could make myself lovable enough that someone would love me, and that the way to do that was to sacrifice my own self and safety. A terrible lesson to learn growing up.
You will never be prouder of yourself than the moment you decide that until you die you will trust yourself more than anyone else in the world. You will never be more miserable than when you go against your truth and trust that someone else knows better than you about what you need to truly live. The “us” your mom is disappointed in no longer exists -not even in your own mind. Allow her feel disappointed. You aren’t responsible for how she feels. That’s on her.
Chumpcat cheaters lie. It will be worse than what he’s said. Sorry your Mom is not supportive. That’s her choice but you know better. Find new support and draw on the helpful wisdom of CL and CN to help you move on, wiser, to gain a life that is cheater free. Your future self will be glad you did!
I wish you had my mother, and my brothers, sisters, nieces, etc. My family values trust and commitment. If you can’t stay faithful, you can’t be trustworthy. That marriage is done. He destroyed it. You didn’t cause him to cheat. Leave the marriage and shake the dust off your shoe.
If your mother starts going on at you to “give him a second chance,” you can say you did. And 5 months later, he was getting into cars with hookups at the bar. He had his chance. He blew it. AND he’s already told you that he’s not really interested in doing any work on his predilection for bar sex unless you two pursue reconciliation.
That’s a bullshit flag right there. If he were really tormented by his inability to keep his zipper shut after a couple of drinks, he’d be working on that issue regardless of whether or not he’s married. First, he clearly has a drinking problem. Normal people don’t get drunk in bars on a regular basis and hook up with floozies.He needs to address the drinking problem. Second, he has an entitlement problem. Being drunk doesn’t excuse his actions.
You don’t need any of this. It’s not your job to keep giving him chances when he’s clearly uninterested in working on his key issues.
Get yourself a full STD panel. It’s worth knowing whatever the results. Feel free to ask your family if staying married is worth your life, since you have no way of policing his dick.
I am proud that you told him to get out of your life. With respect to your family members, well, his family will always defend him because that’s what they do. Your family? Well, I’d keep them at arm’s length and rebuild a family from your friends.
Very funny. I was Boudica and guess what? They fucking reconciled had a kid and ended up divorcing anyway !! Meanwhile in the interim i was the BAD guy!! No don’t do Boudicca. Keep your fucking mouth shut and support your ADULT children’s choices. Don’t play Switzerland either. But Chumpcat stand up for yourself to your Mom. Ask her for her support and NOT her advice. This is your experience not hers.
Thankfully my mother still (5 years later) despises the piece of shit that is my lying, cheating ex. She’s waiting for my children to reach the age of 18 to tell him, his tramp and his narcissistic mother off, as am I. Don’t listen to anything else but your own gut instinct. Run and run fast and don’t look back. It doesn’t matter how much “oh what will you do alone, how will you…” endless opportunities will arise and if not you are free from that bullshit. No one and I mean no one deserves to be cheated on, that’s a lack of disrespect and it is traumatic. Be grateful you don’t have children with that asshole therefore once you’re divorced there’s no need to see him again. Having kids with these dysfunctional sociopaths is brutal, trust me. I am happier, more relaxed and a better mother now that I have lost 165lbs of trash. You will be too, just give it time. Feel the pain, work through it and get past it, otherwise it will come back to haunt you in future relationships in multiple ways. Best of luck to you.
My Mom is waiting till my youngest is 18 to tell the lying, cheating, asshole off. It would be the whore but she only lasted 2 years and left ex too. In reality it will probably never happen, his dads been paying all his bills so when ex’s dad quits the trash will take itself out. If ex’s dad doesn’t quit, ex’s dad will go broke or die before our youngest reaches 18. So my mom or me telling him off is only in my dreams. But he is blocked.???? I hope your mom gets too. Take a video and post so we can all laugh.
This is EPIC! I love Boudica, and I am going to learn to be more like her.
Petty little cheater not only cheated on you at least twice but also insulted your intelligence with such idiotic explanations. Dump him.
I personally had my doubts about whether that was even a “bro cruise” to begin with!
When my marriage was first imploding I didn’t tell my father immediately. He was busy caring for my mother as her Alzheimer’s advanced and I didn’t want to add to his stress. It was a couple of months after my husband moved out, that I told my dad. His first question was to ask if there was a girlfriend. At the time my now Ex was still lying, but I told my dad I thought there was someone else. Once the girlfriend was confirmed, my dad said “GET RID OF THE BUM”. I am an only child and the marriage was at the 25 year mark. My Ex was like a son to my parents.
I will forever be grateful that my dad had my back and did not expect me to settle for anything less than monogamy and honesty in my marriage. While he didn’t have much disposable income to offer financial assistance, he let me know I would always have a home and a roof over my head. That meant more than any check he could have written.
My experience and relatable story to this is that her parents, brother, and sis-in-law were shocked that she could do such a thing. They tried to reason w/her to ask how she could go all the way from being in a “happy marriage” to now asking for a divorce. They initially suggested a trial separation, which of course she didn’t even consider, as she was ready to uproot herself to be w/the OM.
As for my family, I didn’t need any of their encouragement to file for divorce. They already knew that I had initially forgiven her about her misdeed(s) w/the OM if she was willing to save the marriage, but that forgiveness was basically laughed at my face when I realized quickly that she had no intentions of saving the marriage or leave the OM.
I don’t know what your relationship w/both parents was during the marriage, and if it has changed now that the cat is out of the bag, but all I can say is: listen to what your head says, not your heart. I already feel incredibly chumped that I even bothered to forgive her, but was not going to go down a path of appeasing her parents and family or mine if both parties (her and I) were not 100% committed to saving the marriage.
And BTW, today would’ve been our 20th anniversary. Now, it’s just another day on the calendar for me, and hopefully another event will take importance on this day so I continue to remove that memory from my mind.
How long did it take for it to not hurt anymore on the anniversary and others memorable days?
How long did it take to not hurt on days like anniversaries and other special days?
Fearful&loathing, still hurts, I won’t lie. Plus, it’s only been a little over 2 years after finding out about the cheating and starting the separation, and 1 year after finalizing the divorce. W/the exception of the birth of my 2 kids, this day was the most important one in my life. Which is why, the sooner that I find a memorable event to make it worthwhile to remember this day, the better I’ll be off.
Luckily I’ve kept myself busy w/work so far today, and have plans for later this evening to take a class and hopefully network w/people. But, I do know that my daughters know what today’s milestone would have been (one of them reminded me over dinner last night), so I can’t totally forget about this day.
I get it. It’s still ever present for me and it’s been nearly 2 years since dday for me.
I hope you can take your mind off of things. I’ll think happy thoughts for you.
I’ll say I Boudicca’d my own self (mother dead, no loss, toxic narc.). But–example for most beloved daughter, who has a terrific relationship–mutuality, caring, respect. They’re human, they love each other. I am fulfilled, in that she learned.
It’s true: you only need one sane parent. (The “I just didn’t want to be a suburban dad anymore” got his wish. She NC’d him. Cue self-pity mode bounces against stone cold wall of go fuck yourself. And not from me!
Dad: “Men do these things.”
Gee thanks, Dad. You’re a real big help. [In ice-cold FOAD voice.]
Chumpcat, what great advice you are getting on this sight. I can’t help but feel your mama maybe a tad narcissistic. CL is absolutely right…..you deserve so much better. Sounds like your husband has a substance abuse problem that leads his dick on wild escapades.
Today I finally filed for divorce after giving my husband 11 months to turn things around. The grief this last year has been incredible….the kind of grief where you think you will never laugh again. Except I did laugh…..I nearly peed myself while reading this.
Good one Chumplady
“Fuck your mother.” Chump Lady, I love you.
One of the shining lights through this shit storm has been my Catholic parents reaction. To protect them I haven’t provided details but they agreed, supported and cheered when I told them I separated from DrNarc! I cried for a day for their grace.
In return Chumpcat I say “I understand your decision to leave your marriage, this is a problem you do not need to solve, we will be here to support you through this. You do not deserve to be treated this way and you will be OK” You Parents aka Deeply Chumpy
I’m so sorry you are going through this. My parents are deceased but my sister has been a rock of strength for me. So have the many friends and co-workers who’ve reached out. And of course Chump Nation!
Point is you can pull strength from a variety of sources. Use it to propel you and leave the negative in the dust.
You may feel conflicted, ad I know you love your parents, but you can deal with their lack of support later. But I hat in a box and set it aside while you start this process. You can do this, you are mighty!! Hugs to you
My brother called me up and said, “Do you want me to come down there and kick his ass? I hear I’m a pretty good ass kicker.” I told him ‘no’, that I didn’t think my sons needed to know that their Uncle Jimmy kicked their dad’s ass. My sister called me up and said, “Do you want me to come down there and help you take out her knees?” I also had to turn her down. I couldn’t afford to lose my job. I have LOTS of Boudicas in my family!
Yes, there are many men out there who are kind, loyal, and trustworthy – unfortunately I didn’t pick one of those. Some people have the capacity to be kind, loyal, and trustworthy throughout a marriage and some people don’t – gender is not the main factor.
So, Chumpcat, you’ve been betrayed twice: first by your husband, and again by your parents, who hold you 100% responsible for the failure of the marriage.
One of the worst and best things about being betrayed by a partner is how our eyes get opened about the other people in our lives who also hurt us. My guess is that your parents have often second-guessed you and taught you not to trust your own instincts or take care of your own needs. Being your own Boudica involves developing rock-steady faith in your own judgment about WHAT IS ACCEPTABLE TO YOU. If you mother or father want to tolerate infidelity, that’s their choice. (And if they are indeed faithful, then they have zero idea what they are talking about.) Your parents should have YOUR best interest at heart, not some abstract bullshit about relationships and what we owe “relationships.”
I’m 68. What I would say to you is that if you are married to a substance abuser, get out now. That may shock him into getting sober. That’s the kindest thing you can do. And people who have sex because they are drunk or are on a drunken bro party are indeed substance abusers.
Don’t doubt yourself. It’s your one “wild and precious life.” Tell your parents, “Thanks for the advice. It’s not good for me to live with an alcohol abuser who is cheating with random women.”
As a child I saw my father beat my mother until she was unconscious. He’s been dead 18years.
When I told Mom that Ex tried to run me over with a van(Iwas on crutches) and then the car with my daughter in it she wanted to know who saw him do it. Then she turned around and told me if I was good enough he wouldn’t have to cheat. Two and a half years later he is doing chores for her and he is Mr Fix it around her house. Hey and I live next door!
Abuse is truly a hellava thing!
I’m still alive and my daughter is doing great.
And the fuckwit is no longer in my life.
Question to myself – everyday : why the fuck didn’t I have the strength/courage to get out before???
Lioness, you’ve been through so much! I’m so sorry your mother isn’t a mama bear for you. WTH?! She’s buddies with your ex-monster?!
Wishing you much strength and success
I’m so sorry. Heartbreaking when a parent betrays you. How hard is it to just stand up for your damn kid?!?
I had a friend like this–she took this stance in the beginning then did a 180 and supported me. We got through it but our friendship was never the same. Once you realize that someone doesn’t have your back 100%, you place them in a different category.
My mom was pretty awesome and helpful through my chumpdum and quite supportive, but I’m gonna be honest. I want Boudica! Actually, I want to BE Boudica.