Divorce Day Plans?
A thread broke out yesterday about what folks did on the day they got divorced, and I thought — hey, that’s a Friday Challenge. Tell CN about what you did to ignore/deal with/celebrate the day you were liberated from a fuckwit.
There is no wrong answer. (Okay, unless it involved duct tape, honey and fire ants. We’re not about revenge here.)
Did you shoot fireworks off a building? Have a drink with a friend? Practice indifference?
If you’re still slogging through a break-up, or if you weren’t married, you can still play too. Tell us what you’d like to do, or how you’re rocking a fresh start.
When I learn someone has gotten divorced, I say, “Congratulations on your new beginning.”
Happy new beginnings everyone and TGIF!
My divorce agreement was signed and submitted to the court on February 12, 2009. On the 13th (Black Hearts Day) I got a stretch limo and me and several of my friends put on hot little black dresses and armed ourselves with two magnums of champagne for a cruise up the coast. Big divorce party…big.
“Divorce Party” sounds like a good idea. I need to imitate your attitude, and maybe as things progress, i will.
This coming divorce from my cheating wife will be my third. It has been horrible, but i have learned that she is also my third narcissist, an NPD person.
I’m learning from it all and filtering out future narcissist women, female mirrors of my narc father who also do Not actually want a true good relationship.
I am having a good deal of divorce-protected financial success, coincidentally coming together, starting around my D-day with C-wife. She gets not a bit, but i Will be getting me all better, with the goal of marrying one more time, and having a family.
Hey, as an empath male, i’m pretty sure i will be way happier and healthier with a mate; a true mate, not the fakery and theater which narcs are limited to. And children? Money and a good wife for me, to be their mother, and those hypothetical children will have an awesome life. I will constructively see to it.
I will celebrate by continuing fixing myself and my life, having a family, and building a couple of lasting revenue streams. It doesn’t exactly scream, “Woooo!”, but as it develops, I’m sure it will feel like that.
Okay, maybe i’ll decide to get a big transition apartment near a college campus, grill out a lot, keep myself in good shape, put a “DTF” sign on the door, and see what happens. Too much?
I got divorced on my lunch break. It was amicable and not contentious so we worked with a mediator. No lawyers. All I had to do was present that paper in court and answer some question to the judge. I was done within one and half hours. I didn’t see the point of wasting a vacation day for this shit. My boss to this day thinks I went to court for traffic issues.
I got the finalized divorce papers a few days before my 50th birthday. It sucked.
catharsis2017,
I had a similar experience. D-day was 4/6/2017. I believe my conditional divorce was 12/04/18. Absolute divorce happened 03/06/19. I was sad both times. Cried a bit. Almost 25 years of marriage w/a woman I thought I’d be w/forever and loved dearly. Three kids, and years as friends before we got romantically involved too, and yet she abandoned our love, marriage and family w/barely a look back (she doesn’t want to hear it about abandoning the family, but she did. She blew apart our family, then tried to recreate it w/her asshole rich former boss, now partner).
I’m ok now, but all it does is leave an awful taste in my mouth. The fuckwit XW now lives w/her fuckwit partner an eighth of a mile behind my house. Thank God I pretty much never see them. But I’m celebrating my survive and thrive lifestyle now. They can go to hell as far as I’m concerned; I’m going to enjoy the rest of my life as much as possible w/out her.
Best wishes to you, catharsis2017, and all of CN. We’re so much better off w/out those fuckwits.
thelongrun,
Thank you for your kind words. Our stories are very similar, together 25 years, three kids. It was a really sad day both when I signed the divorce papers and when the divorce was finalized. The betrayal and the willingness of my XW to upend the lives of our children without ever taking any responsiblity took it’s toll on me. I am on better ground now, but CL and CN really helped me to make sense of it all. Thanks to all.
catharsis2017,
I’m wishing you, me and all of CN peace as we move forward. And may all of our holidays not suck. Really, may we all truly have happy holidays. And lives.
If you’re not sharing custody, why not move? What’s keeping you there?
Kintsugi,
I didn’t want to overdo my post, so I didn’t include that I DO share custody on our 14 yo son (he was 11 yo when the POS, FW XW left me at our house for her rich, 40 years married, 15 years older POS boss, and initially moved into a new apartment complex a half mile down the street from me w/him. Literally). Did I mention the XW was fired from her job as his administrative assistant w/in three months of them coming out publicly w/their affair (right after D-day), but that her AP boss got to keep his cushy job, as one of the heads of our state’s college system? My oldest daughter didn’t like that. Neither do I, of course. Integrity is supposed to be one of the main qualities for his job. Yeah, right. Hah!
I originally made the move to this house to not upend the kids’ lives, and even more so to make the XW happy and to help her keep her political seat in our village government. A little over a year from this move and she was having her affair w/her boss (got cliche?). I’ve since realized that she DEFINITELY started losing any love left for me and for our marriage (assuming there ever was any) when I wasn’t able to keep up appearances for her and allow us to stay in the newer, nicer house (personality disorder? Most likely, I’d bet. Thanks CL, for giving me some insight into what types of shitty personality and character flaws likely apply to the XW!).
What was I thinking? It was only keep working at a job I hated and was constantly and incredibly stressed out about, but had well supported the family with for the last 20+ years, or keep my sanity. Silly me. I should have just gone off the deep end!
So, I stay in the house I originally shared w/the FW XW because I’m not willing to upset our son’s life because of his mother’s selfishness (I thought it was for our daughters’ sakes too, but they dislike the place as well, so they got out ASAP). I’m trying to be the sane, loving, stable parent. To that end I bought the FW XW out of her share in the house, even though it’s never been where I wanted to be. We downsized into it because I left my high paying job, and I reluctantly agreed to live in this house to make the XW and kids happy by keeping us in the village/school system we were living in, even though the house is a fixer-upper and I’m not the most handy of men.
Honestly though, I was also in no mental or emotional shape to even contemplate a move after the XW left, so it made things easier on me, too. Not that she ever got that. She twice tried to tell me where I should move before we signed off on the divorce stipulations, which included me buying her out of the house. The move she suggested for me was in the village we live in, of course. She didn’t think I should make things harder on our son, either. Sorry, I just had to choke down some hypocrisy. I’m fine now.
She did this on a private phone call w/me first, then a few months later in front of the mediator she insisted we use (I agreed to doing that while still utilizing an attorney). The mediator looked at me w/a face that clearly asked, “Is she nuts?” Both times, she ended up quietly saying, “I guess that’s not my place anymore.” Who needs fiction when real life is like this? Ok, I do. I’m a huge fiction fan. But still.
And in keeping w/the survive and thrive mentality I’ve now adopted, I’m trying to focus on the positives of this arrangement. Our son only has to go an eighth of a mile between the two of us (three of us, if you count the POS, FW former boss the XW’s still living w/), and as he has a 2 days w/one parent, two days w/the other, then five days w/one parent, and five days w/the other schedule w/us, it makes it much easier on his bouncing back and forth between us. Unfortunately, my son has developed somewhat of a friendship w/the asshole AP. I can’t blame him, as he’s been put in a shitty situation and he’s trying to make the best of it. Heavy sigh.
So, sorry Kintsugi, but that’s the short version of why I’m not moving right now (I know what you’re thinking. This is the short version? Unfortunately, yes). I’ve got about 4 1/2 years ‘till our son graduates from high school. By that point, I should have some major options to choose from for restructuring my life. God, I hope so.
As always, best wishes to you Kintsugi, and to CN. We’re all heading to a better place. It just may be a bumpy ride getting there.
My mother died on November 2 and my “final” (I’ve had several post divorce proceedings) hearing was November 21, so I was too numb to feel anything. Divorce decree final on May 22, my so-called 25th wedding anniversary. So at least I’ve been able to take back that day and turn a negative into a positive. Now there’s only one day on the calendar (Dr. A**hat’s birthday) where I need to get to Meh rather than lighting a candle and praying he lands in the deepest depths of hell. ????
I’m almost at Tuesday.
I got my finalized divorce papers on my 40th birthday. It was GLORIOUS!
Went directly from the lawyer’s office to a bar and toasted the end to being married to an asshole. Best present ever.
I had a divorce party, we went out and hit two different restaurant/bars. Managed to track down ten friends (we’re all moms, so that was a stars-aligning thing) and we went out a week and a half after I got my decree. I got drunk for the first time EVER in my life. In my very late 30’s. Finiahed the evening by getting laid with the guy I’d been seeing for a few weeks. So, I feel it was a successful, celebratory night.
After a grueling year and a half of divorce proceedings and fuckery, My divorce went through on the very day that would have been our ten year anniversary. Besides mulling over the irony of the situation, I treated myself to a drink with friends and proceeded to go about my week. The glorious thing about it is that I can now begin working on my new life and build my career and savings without him being any part of it. I still have to parallel parent with him, but otherwise, my choices are my own. ????
DivineComedy,
You are SO right. I’m still having to parallel parent w/the FW XW, but for the most part, my choices are my own. I try to think of what’s best for our son, daughters, and me. It’s not easy, but it’s a lot easier w/the POS XW mainly out of the mix. By the way, I love your username. I’m a fan of Dante. I think I’m in Purgatory now. Getting better, slowly but surely. I hope you’re getting better, too. Best wishes to you and your family.
I put on some great music and drank the bottle of wine I bought on a trip while we were together a few days before I found out all the shit he did. I saved that bottle and use it as a symbol of a new life. Freedom.
Not there yet. But when I am… I think there will be some really beautiful things involved. Irish dancers? A parade? All my friends out to help me celebrate with a few toasts.
Hell, let’s go big. I’m hiring a fringe circus group to toast the sideshow that was my marriage! Bearded lady strong man the conjoined twins and all other things are nothing on sir strange.
Definitely some fireworks but the weird dangerous kind you buy off the back of a truck and set off on your own because it’s still less dangerous than being with that asshat.
Maybe to top it off I’ll design a competition of already exhausted fashion students and make it like… prison rules/slavery project runway. Some doppelgänger of Tim Gunn but with terrible teeth and a bad smell will cruella devile the whole group into thinking their life depends on success and unreasonable timelines and ridiculous standards are just a part of the deal. And then no one wins. And you find out he’s been spending it all – money energy, pleasantries, into hookers and the whole contest was a ruse to distract you from the reality
Nope, wait, that’s too close to what most of my marriage was actually like. Switch! Maybe find a way to use my skills as a designer/lead to host something like that and actually be fun, give away a ‘prize’ even if it’s small and quirky to just have the adventure of working with people who love design and want to be joyful. Oh! Like the goal is to make a fun dresses for my divorce party…. frown upside down.
Don’t despair, the end is there!
Love and blessings to all you feeling a bit down today. We can do it
Love your dark sense of fun, save a seat for me at the back of the bus too, please! Hope tomorrow is better.
Your prospective divorce celebration sounds…creative. Count me in! And sorry you’re feeling down today : (
I love seeing you around tempest, you’re such an inspiration
The weekend after my 2.5 year dramatic divorce was finalized I had All of my friends down to my family’s beach house for a weekend of drinking, games and fun! It was the best time!
The day it was finalized was sorta anticlimactic. At work like any other normal day but I realized it was done and there was nothing else he could hang over my head. I felt free of him. The hard part of letting go of him mentally came after.
????????????????????????????????????????…. what Miss Bailey said. It felt so anti-climactic when the order was actually entered. I had to go all the way through a weeklong trial. We’re coming up on the three-year anniversary of the entry of the final order. I’m still recovering… But, I had 26 years invested, for kids, homes, businesses, pets, 1 million memories… And I was totally blindsided on Christmas five years ago with DDay. So I’m going to be patient with myself and let myself heal and whatever timeframe it takes.
However, I am living in amazing life now and I’m very content and peaceful. I just came back from a pre-Christmas early present from my long-term boyfriend who took us to a five-star resort in Maui this week and even lined up an adult sitter for our teenagers who are still at home. It was wonderful!
That mental part is the tough part. Any suggestions on replaying the good memories in your head. I try to then say the mantra once a liar always a liar and picture him sitting in his underwear next to the ugly skank hoe he is living with in the trailer park.
My time to process what he had to divorce was short – just a little over 3 months. During that time, the mode was more auto-pilot.
It all takes rime. When the thoughts became so bad and were just looping in my head, I had to divert myself. Take a walk, go the movies, listen to podcast, go the library – do anything that stops train. But listen to them too. It was at least 6 months after the divorce that I had a couple of breakthroughs. Once the rose-colored glasses started to slip, I saw few memories in a different light because I now had the context, of the marriage and who he really is, to finally understand what those memories actually meant.
The day I dropped the bucket of spackle and stopped romanticizing him in those memories was the day I walked away from them. They don’t have to be categorized or over-analyzed unless there’s a glimmer of truth in them. You walk forward and leave them behind you.
On my divorce day, all the important women in my life came with me to court. Had my back as the judge found divorce was due to his adultery and agreed no visitation with children if AP (who is a stripper) is present. Went for drinks and mani/pedis. I cried but felt supported and free. Realized I had been holding myself back for years to appease someone who didn’t even love me.
Left the courthouse, met my sister in the parking lot for a good cry. Had a liquid lunch, got matching tattoos (something we’d been talking about since we were kids but my wasband always criticized), spent a day carousing, then we both took my daughter out for dinner.
I’m no longer a woman “scorned”. I’m FREE
Bought front row tickets to see my favorite rock star…back stage passes and everything. My ex hated concerts and didn’t want me going either.
I didn’t do much except let out a HUGE sigh of relief. I went in to the judge to sign first – all sedate and ladylike. Then asshole went in and when he closed the door behind him I jumped up in the air and high-fived my lawyer – everyone laughed. Immediately the door opened again I was little miss “butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth”!
I want to break free, I want break free…… just today received his offer for the property settlement from his solicitor. What a joke – the battle begins but after today’s post I will make sure I plan something fab for DD next year!!!!
I didn’t really do anything the day it happened which will be 6 years in another month. I remember leaving the courthouse thinking that it was kind of surreal to be able to dissolve something that was 27 years in the making so easily. I said goodbye and haven’t seen him since that day, which has been a huge blessing. It took me a couple of months and a few mindfucks to get the total no-contact thing down but by the time the divorce was finalized three months later I had the hang of it.
Since the divorce happened in the beginning of a new year, I commemorate that day with a toast to my new life. It’s a better version of New Years Day to me.
After a long term marriage ends, no contact (including creeping on social media) is so helpful to avoid triggers.
Your toast is a way to choose joy each day. Slainte to gaining a life!
I discovered the cheating on his computer early on a Sunday morning. We were taking our four kids apple picking later. I copied evidence I found and sent it to my brother and my cousin, who is a lawyer. I spoke to them both throughout the day, made plans to see her in a week or so to talk about starting the divorce, and found out from my lawyer what I could/couldn’t do and say. We went apple picking and out to dinner. That evening, I sat down next to him and told him I knew what he was doing and who he was doing it with. then I started yelling about vows and church and how dare he do this to me and his kids, etc. I threw his pillow next to him on the couch and told him he was never sleeping in our bed again. Then the kids and I locked ourselves in the bedroom. He never said a word while I yelled, but later came into the bedroom and was very angry that I had told the kids about his affair. He accused me of ruining his relationship with them. They were all teens/young adults at this point and didn’t like him.
One of my girls managed to break into his messanger app and we read the messages he and the OW sent back and forth. He said he had done nothing wrong. She was upset that he would have to sleep on the couch and invited him to go sleep with her (yuck). He eventually set himself up in the basement until I managed to get him to move out, which he chose to do a few weeks before Christmas.
I got the divorce, worked on putting my life together, went back to school and I graduate with my Masters next month. Two of my kids refuse to see him at all and the other two see him rarely.
Sorry. I thought this was about what we did on D-day. Not the day the divorce went through. That day I left court, bought myself lunch and went home to take care of my kids. I was very relieved, but also a bit sad about how he ruined everything. It will be 4 years next month since the divorce, and life is much better.
Anybody celebrates D-day? My first anniversary is coming up (early February) and not sure what to do. I’d like to have something cool planned. Like mighty, gain a life stuff. Marathon, concert, home renovation workshop, etc.
I celebrated my freedom the day of but the anniversaries of that day are like any other day. Ofcoirse you don’t forget but i just wanna spectator myself from that life. But do what makes you happy. ????
I got the house, so I left the courthouse, went to Lowes and bought new door knobs, then went home and changed all the locks. ????
It felt great for two reasons, 1 I was officially done with Felonious Drunk, 2 it showed me I could do those little home projects/repairs on my own. ????
I take my boys out to dinner on DDay anniversary. It was a VERY horrible and traumatic day for us, my ex walked out on his crying wife and three boys with no comfort to drive interstate straight back to his slag. That was 2 and a 1/2 years ago and he’s only bothered to see them twice in that whole time.
At the time I told them thst we will get through and not let this destroy us. Times have been hard but I take them out to celebrate our togetherness.
Celebrate our togetherness. I LOVE that. My divorce will be final in January and I was hesitant to make plans with my son that day because I thought it might actually make me feel worse (I have been struggling with guilty feelings about not staying with his dad, the cheater)… but just that phrase makes me see it in another light. I am thinking maybe I will take my son and do something special with him that day, to celebrate our togetherness. Thank you!
PS I need a new name on here!!! I was Guilty Mom on the previous post but I don’t want to carry that with me!
Formally Guilty Mom,
I hope others will read your post and have name suggestions for you.
I think “Mighty Mom” suits you, because that is what you have been, are, and always will be, a Mighty Mom.
Faithful, what a beautiful post.
You certainly are the sane, loving, present, parent, blessed with three precious sons, whom, I am sure adore you.
Two very Mighty Chump posts above my post!
❤️????????❤️
Felonious Drink, LOL, LOVE IT!
The last minute back and forth hallway negotiations seemed to take forever. It was surreal. Like watching a courtroom TV drama but it was my life!
The night before a friend sent me some additional incriminating video footage. That gave my lawyer the ability to get me even more in the settlement than we ever planned on.
During the last round of back and forth, my lawyer looked at me, paused, and said “I will be right back.” Her associate and I had zero idea what was going on.
She came back to me with a motherly, kind smile and said “You need a brake after this so I just got you an extra $7,500 for a great vacation.”
After telling the judge we had reached a settlement and looking at my now ex, who would not even make eye contact, I left the courthouse and didn’t know what to do next. I stood on the street corner feeling alone and overwhelmed. It all happened so fast.
The next idea made me really smile – I went to the most expensive store in town and bought my lawyer a Chanel handbag. The note said “You need a really great handbag to go with my really great vacation!”
The salesperson wanted my info for his file. I told him I would never be making a purchase like that again ????
I don’t think I had ever had as much fun buying a gift in my life! It was so extravagant but felt like my ex paid for it. I left that store with a very light heart and a huge smile on my face.
And the rest of the money went into the bank. I sold my engagement ring for the great vacation.
Rebecca,
Your post sounds like a movie, with a very happy ending.
I am in the front row, watching and cheering for you. The popcorn is so delicious!
And, after the movie, that would be you, thinking of another person, buying a special gift for your lovely lawyer.
YOU.ARE.MIGHTY
Xxxxxxxxx
peacekeeper
Rebecca,
I want to add, that I know that everything was very very painful for you, and I understand how you still struggle.
Still, that day does hold a special memory for you.
Bittersweet, there is a lot of bittersweet in a Chump’s life.
(A cheater/narc can have the power to make it this way. I think that is why we are all here).
All Chumps are Mighty, to come here, to hold each other up, and to never forget what it is like to have been in these damn Chump shoes)!
Thank you, Peacekeeper. Those are very kind words and I truly appreciate them.
Life gets better and easier every day!
Everybody processes their own way. I’m still grieving. I hope to attend a multi-day meditation retreat. All I want is a quiet mind.
((((((Robin)))))
Many hugs to you.
❤️
Robin,
Sending out a huge hug!
Today’s challenge is only about what happened on one day…or afternoon or weekend.
I don’t think anyone posting today rode off into the sunset, got a life that day and lived happily ever after.
I suffered with horrible depression and will probably be processing the grief and shock for the rest of my life.
My “fun” story above was just a snapshot of one afternoon in the midst of a nightmare.
You’re definitely not alone. Chump Nation is right there with you.
This would be my style, too.
Ooo yes, agreed!
I was living in Cleveland when I got divorced earlier this year. After court, I drove to the pier off of Lake Erie at the end of East 9th Street, and with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in the background, I hurled my wedding ring into the water. I tried filming it, but it was really windy and it’s hard to selfie yourself throwing something. Then I took myself out to lunch and made a divorce cake when I got home. Not a bad day.
I’m a Cleveland native and I can vividly picture you doing this. Every time I walk out of the back of the courthouse after yet another unproductive hearing I can see the lake. After one devastating mediation I was absolutely paralyzed so I just sat there crying and staring at the lake. It was grey and dingy in a way only Cleveland can be right before spring has sprung. When this is finally all said and done, I’m going out of the front of that courthouse and I’m going to Mary Tyler Moore that shit right out on Lakeside Ave. Then I’m going to Heck’s and have a burger and bourbon.
I spent all my summers and holidays in the Cleveland area growing up and lived there a couple of years between undergrad and grad school. That’s actually where I met CheaterX, though I won’t hold that against the area ;-).
Enjoy the burger and bourbon!
I was BROKE when I left the courtroom the day my divorce was finalized, but I went and bought a huge ribeye steak that I couldn’t afford.
It was the best ribeye I had ever eaten. While I sat there eating it, that’s when I realized just how exhausted I was….mentally, financially, physically, emotionally. I had been like the Tasmanian Devil for 20 years.
My divorce was final on November 9, 2018, after a single court hearing which began with the irony of my answering the court officer who asked if I swore to tell the truth with the same words I’d spoken at my marriage ceremony all those decades ago: “I do.”
My husband wasn’t there; I’d asked him not to be, and I was fine, composed, until the judge leaned forward to ask what was to her the last routine questions in a series of them. “Is the marriage irretrievably broken?” she asked. “No chance for reconciliation?” My voice was unexpectedly full of tears even though I gave her the answers she expected, “Yes,” then “No,” reflecting privately that when your husband comes in one day, and with no warning or preparation or preamble declares he’s decided he wants to be a woman, hates his male body, doesn’t want to be a husband anymore, is now a lesbian and has been “exploring” with a former student (a woman), and plans to transition, then yes, the marriage is irretrievably broken, even if you don’t want it to be. But I knew she didn’t want the details, so I repressed them, half-listening as my lawyer and the judge discussed the date for recording the dissolution with the clerk. Then my lawyer steered me out of the courtroom, a divorced woman.
There had been an unseasonably (for us) early snow the night before, and when I got back to the apartment I had moved into when I left in March, 2018, I went out to wander around in it, taking pictures of the snow coating trees still resplendent in red and yellow leaves, as if they, too, had been caught out unawares, feeling as if I needed to counteract the surreality of the courtroom with something concrete, to fix an image in my head to make the day’s events real, but failing miserably. That night, however, we had such a hard frost that the ginkgoes did as they do and dropped all their leaves at once, and when I went out the next morning and saw them carpeting the snowy ground, and all their branches bare, I finally understood: yes, it’s well and truly done.
Beautifully said. We should all aspire to processing the pain of infidelity so fearlessly and so deeply. Thank you for sharing.
I’m so sorry Adelante, that sounds so painful. You are so strong. And you write beautifully xx
You are a beautiful writer, Adelante. Hugs.
Beautiful.
I didn’t do a thing. Much like cheaterssuck, and despite the joy I felt inside about being officially and finally removed from any further commitment to that woman, I didn’t think that celebrating provided the right optics.
I found out that KK had a “turn the page” party a few nights later, and I was confident that I’d done the right thing.
I agree. I was relieved it was over, but not really happy. Also, I didn’t think it would send the right message to the kids, who are the real and enduring victims in all this. (Shortly after all this happened, four out of the five kids affected were in therapy.)
I got divorced 6th November ( got notification from court Friday 8th ) i went out with friends to watch a local band . It was not a celebration i was sad / heartbroken but had a great night in the end . I went out the following night as well it was my friends 48th birthday both nights contained a LOT of drink but i am Scottish so this is nothing new 🙂
I was away at a work conference when I got an email from my paralegal with the subject line “YOU ARE DIVORCED.” I cried. I never expected the course my marriage would take or that I would be put in a position to divorce the person I committed my life to, but he was no longer that person. My mom and daughter were traveling with me so I met up with them, told them the news and we went to dinner as planned. Later, I cried in the shower so the coworker I was sharing the hotel room with wouldn’t hear me. No celebration, great sadness and the resolve to keep healing. (For perspective, it was 100 days between him suddenly moving out (no idea there was an AP) and divorce being finalized. D-Day happened on day 83.)
Same here; no celebration, just great sadness.
Similarly, my divorce was quick; start to finish it was over in roughly 90 days. When the judge signed the decree, I was still devastated, reeling from her callous discard of me, our family and our 17 years together. Fast forward 18 months, with growing clarity of mind and soul I can now see the abuse and disrespect she so expertly administered during our relationship. I’m better off, I know that, yet I feel no cause for celebration; rather I’m healing and moving forward. Life goes on.
Me too. Fast divorce (about 100 days) after 24 years of marriage. Just great sadness…..
It has been nearly 2 years. My new life is so much better – and I see now the lies and disrespect that I put up with. Life goes on. And life is very, very good so I am grateful for that!
I understand the time line. We had the divorce talk on April 24, 2018. DDay was May 18, moves out July 3 and divorce was final on July 17.
Those quick divorce allow no time for thinking. It was after the divorce was final and I was away from him that I actually started to process everything that has just happened.
As tough as a fast divorce is I feel it is less pain and the incredible work of negotiating with a fuckwit is cut short. The healing comes after instead of trying to heal while dealing with all the legal stuff with a wackjob. Just my opinion though.
Agreed. It’s like ripping off a band-aid; just get it over with, there’ll be less angst and lingering pain.
After my divorce I drove that night to the house of sexy man I’d selected for his willingness to participate in a friendship with benefits, and had a satisfying night of unbridled passion. Then I drove myself home at 3AM with snowflakes drifting slowly down, and finally felt free. Exactly three years later, I’m in a mutual relationship with a kind man I met online, experiencing true intimacy after 23 years with a liar is such a gift.
I went by some friends and felt relieved and a little bit joyful, the day the divorce went through. I felt relieved because it went very swift and within reason. Later that day, my elation disappeared, because I learned why it went so swift: my ex and AP were buying a house together, so they needed the divorce to get a morgage together. That was a BIG STING…
So much for “taking it easy, for the kids”…
These people don’t take it easy for the kids or even care how they feel. My Ex moved AP in within a week of threatening me out of house (I left with the kids by police advise). 1st visitation they had was spent at our marital home with him and AP while we are still married. I have also been told the kids aren’t affected and its ok to be a shitty dad.
I think you’re right about not thinking about the kids. Just a few weeks ago she was crying because our son just started school and wasn’t coping to well with all the changes so she needed me to step up.
Yesterday I found out that at the same time she and AP bought a house (first one didn’t go through).
So to get this straight: you’re crying because the wednesday after school day care is too much for him to handle but getting a new house and blend two families together isn’t?
I wonder how she talks that straight in her own mind….
They continue to suck. Hopefully for your sake he’s someone else’s problem now
I have an ex-wife 🙂 whom indeed continues to suck and tries to use me but is not my problem anymore
Is difficult to watch boundaries when you have kids together though
I had lunch and a champagne toast with one of the OW right before I handed her husband the evidence and blocking her feom every avenue of my life! We laughed and she made some back handed comments of which I died laughing in her face bc little did she know, that I knew. It was great! One of the best performances of my life!!! She was a childhood friend and I was in her wedding, cake and sat with her while she was in the hospital, brought her food, etc. So, I felt it appropriate????
I LOVE that you told her chump husband, and gave him an info package! Priceless! And, a good deed you can be proud of.
Southern Chump, you are a role model for us all!
She went on a flying monkey spree afterward trying to trash talk me around town….the funny thing was the town went rouge on her ass and told her to stop! She was even threatened to be kicked out of several business establishments if she didn’t….one was our mutual hairdresser and the salon. The hairdresser happens to be my bestfriend and the salon happened to be an establishment that rallied for me all the way through and the ladies that worked there still do. I’ll admit it was hard knowing that those were the kind of people I allowed in my life but I can hold my head up high and the true people that love and care about me followed, scooping me up and lead me under their wings.
The actual divorce order part was handled by my lawyer. I was so exhausted and ill by that time. Ex had retained a crooked vehicle appraiser, he deliberately devalued our house by trashing it, he tried to get me to pay him support, he poisoned our kids against me with a pack of lies, and including them on all legal matters. Plus my mother had died. Fighting through all that left me a burned out wreck.
Now that the dust is settled I should start a new ritual by taking myself out to dinner on the ‘day.’
I signed papers in the morning and went to work right after. At the time i worked with all men and told them after work I’d be celebrating my Independence Day At the bar if anyone wanted to join me. Most of them did and were so great just hanging out with me. A couple of other cousins showed up. Basically i had some good people around me to get drunk with me. The next day. The new chapter began. It’s been 3 years and now divorce day is like any other day. Just like all other special days i had with fuck face. They ain’t special anymore.
sounds like your Tuesday was a while ago
good on ya!
The day my divorce was final, I was in court by myself. It was only required that one of us show up, and of course, my ex couldn’t be bothered. My case was one of the last ones heard that morning. After waiting for what seemed like forever in the court room to go before the judge, it was over. I walked out of the courthouse, without a thought in my head. I wasn’t happy, or sad. Not really numb, Just blank, or maybe calm….After years of mindfuckery, and fighting for months to get free, I was at a state of “now what?” I drove home without a thought in my head. Not long after I arrived home, My daughter got home from school…she had a half day since it was the final day of the fall semester for her. I took her to a craft store to buy more supplies for her various hobbies. Ended up being a nice, calm day. No big celebration, just at peace and spending time with my daughter. My two year divorce anniversary is coming up in two days (12/15). Maybe I need to do something to celebrate then.
I received a “congratulations “‘ call from my lawyer
stating I was legally divorced. Paperwork arrived few days later.
It was a very sad day for me. 35 years married to a cruel
cold hearted narc but I am better off without the pain.
Still not at meh yet. Years out. ????
(((((Kathleen))))
You are a very special lady!
❤️
Peacekeeper
Thank You so much ????. Your very kind ❤️
I took the day off knowing I’d probably be emotional and I don’t like crying around people. My lawyer told me I didn’t have to physically be in the courtroom, which made me so happy. I knew the ex was bringing his whore to court with him, so he wasn’t going to get to hurt me one last time by subjecting me to that. Asshole.
I think I got a text around 11 am saying “Congrats you’re divorced!” and I proceeded to drink from that point on, in my house, all fucking day. It really wasn’t a great day, but I made it through. Phew so glad all that is over. 🙂
It takes a special kind of scumbag to take the AP to the divorce court hearing. I think it is also quite clear what sort of person goes to divorce court with their married lover to show the spouse they won. Ick….good riddance to garbage.
KB22- Yep, it definately takes a special kind of fucked up to intentionally rub the AP personally right in your face! Two or so months after fuckwit walked out, a sherriff showed up at my door. He said my fuckwit was on his way to pick up his stuff. He said fuckwit had called the him to meet him here because he was worried I might be hostile. Ha – that’s an understatement. After the sherriff found out he had been gone for months (plus me telling him what an asswipe now xh is & what he had done to his family) the sheriff took his truck and blocked the lane so shithead couldn’t even pull in.
Minutes later, fuckwit came down the road with several trucks and trailers. As shitty as I knew he was, even I couldn’t believe he showed up with the ow, whom I had never met. He actually had the balls to bring her with to come into my home to help him get his stuff (& probably pick out anything she wanted). I almost lost it. Well ok, I did kind of lose it. I told the sheriff there was no way she was going to step a foot in my property.
Sheriff only allowed him to come in to get clothes he said he needed for work. That was total bullshit as I had made several trips delivering all of his clothes in black garbage bags & put them in his truck in the parking lot at his work.(I didn’t want to see him or give him any reason to show up at my house.) I informed sheriff of this but he asked if they could check anyway. They came in and opened all of his dresser drawers, which were of course empty. The sheriff gave me a knowing look & escorted fuckwit out. He said the division of property would need to be settled in court.
The saddest part of all of it was that my 2 kids had to witness it all. As of course, he didn’t even give them a thought by coming when he knew they would be home. That pisses me off even more then him bringing the ow to my home!
Oh yeah. She divorced her husband the same day, same judge. Her then-husband told me he was going to go, but I talked him out of it. I told them that was exactly what they wanted . . . the drama. He didn’t go either and later said he’s glad he didn’t.
To the newbies . . . while this is happening, it’s the worst. But you’ll look back later and see the absurdity of it. Good riddance is right. 🙂
My final papers were mailed to me so by the end of all the proceedings, it was really just a formality. I didn’t do anything except text some important people and tell them that it was official.
I planned and bought tickets for a solo vacation to New England to see an old friend I’d served with 20+ years prior and some cousins. Three months later, on what would have been our 20th anniversary, I was out on a harbor cruise in Portsmouth NH having an adult beverage and enjoying my freedom from the fuckwit!!
After 15 years of marriage and 7 years spent trying to get divorced, there was plenty of celebrating going on in my life that day! I stopped at my office on my home from the courthouse and had some champagne. I celebrated with my mom and brother at lunch. Later that evening my best friend took me to our favorite bar. All of my friends that had helped my kids and I get through that nasty divorce were there. We had a great time making jokes and laughing at his expense. But the best thing about this night was the fact that I could thank all of these great people for having my back throughout the entire ordeal. I truly don’t know how I would have survived if not for them.
My left ovary got all twisted up, grew larger than a baby’s head, and then exploded.
This, of course, happened just a little bit before my court date to finalize my divorce.
My doctor allowed me to go to the courthouse, but only if I stayed off of pain medication for at least 24 hours so I wouldn’t be making any legal decisions under the influence of pain medication.
So there I was. Picture it: Sicily. 1922.
I am wearing my only good courthouse outfit, which included tight, stiff fabric around the waist and high-heeled shoes.
My stomach has ninety thousand stitches in it.
I can barely hobble in my heals because I was still recovering from surgery.
I am in constant, relentless, throbbing pain.
BUT. I. GOT. MY. DIVORCE.
So all in all:
Getting a divorce from a fuckwit: 10/10
Ovary explosions: 0/10
YES! I love a good Golden Girls reference!
Many years ago I had an older housemate who had been married young and divorced before I met her…I don’t remember if she told me why but it was definitely bad. She had a picture hung up in her room of her and some girlfriends laughing in a car decked out with a “just divorced” sign on the back and cans tied to the bumper with bright ribbons, kind of like a “just married” car for after a wedding. In my youthful innocence I thought it was in very bad taste, but now I understand why she was celebrating.
I took the day off from work. I was the only one that had to go before the judge. My case was maybe the third one called that morning. I had dressed really nice for the occasion. It literally took 5 minutes from first question ( from the judge) to the end. I came home and did nothing special in particular. I remember thinking as I was sitting there waiting. This wasn’t what I signed up for. This is what I spent 32 years waiting for? That as usual the pos coward didn’t even have to be present at the end. He was always gone for “Work” so typical.
I am one year out from divorce being finalized, Nov 13th. I am close enough to meh that I if i stretch just a little. I can touch it. Life does get better !!
I didn’t get the news until a month later. I photocopied the letter and gave it to my (then) boyfriend right before we took an 18 day vacation around the east coast. It was quite a relief and followed a year in which the disordered narc sociopath ex agreed to terms THREE times then refused to sign after I paid a lawyer to put it in an agreement. 36k in legal fees in one year. That I could not afford at all. After he stole hundreds of thousands my entire life savings. Nice trying to start over at 56. Ughhh
I planned a party with some of my best friends. That morning I woke up and discovered the Divorce Fairy had arrived and left champagne, chocolate and other treats all over my lawn which made the start to my day even better.
Love the Divorce Fairy! You have great friends.
I was busy working through our DIY divorce. When it was approved it was just another work day. But on our next wedding anniversary I went to the coast to go fishing. I threw my ring out the car window into the woods as I was driving.
And I hope you made someone with a metal detector very happy!
I’m still waiting. It’s been over a year and a half. He can’t do math and thinks my assets largely outweigh his and is refusing to settle. I even offered to walk away, with each of us taking what we already have, and he said no. We seems to think he’s owed something when he discarded me after 20 years together, for a woman who faked cancer to get closer to him. I can’t wait to be done. We have a mediation on Valentine’s Day and I hope I will finally be legally free of him soon after. We have kids together so I’m stuck with him to some degree, but the fewer ties, the better.
I’m not divorced yet but I think I would curl up in a ball and die. How do you celebrate your worst nightmare?
D-day and the fallout was your worst nightmare.
Divorce day is the final step of waking up from the nightmare and shaking it off to get on with your day.
Nobody celebrates the dissolution of the dream they thought they had. They celebrate waking up from the nightmare it turned out they actually had.
THIS. Right there with you, Spoon River.
I’m not going to be able to celebrate the dissolution of my family, and loosing significant custody of my small son.
No idea how the hell I’m going to get through any of it.
My divorce is final on December 26, 2019. She left me and her sons, now 13, November 2nd of last year and moved in with a guy she met online. 70 miles away. She, he and his brother and his brothers girlfriend share a 3 bedroom, 1 bath house. They sleep in the bedroom he lived in as a child (she’s nearly 48 and he’s nearly 54).
21 years of marriage, gone. She is supposed to come see the boys Sunday; she last saw them September 24th, the day before their 13th birthday. I have full custody of them. I’m dreading it and so are my sons, because we’re always depressed afterwards.
I still don’t understand how someone can do this to someone they said they loved…
Cali,
I can’t understand leaving the kids! So thankful they have you.
Family is my biggest value, really was my whole reason for being. I felt that was sort of the whole point of being on this blue marble. As long as I had my family I could do anything. Cheater burnt that to the ground. He’s nearly 50, she was 30, I turned 40 and his affair reasoning was that I “got old”. Now he gets our 7 year old half time because I live in a no fault state and he isn’t addicted to meth. (Even if he was they still would give him some custody because that’s what the Midwest defines as “fair”).
None of it makes any sense, how cruel and selfish people can be.
Yeah, family is everything to me. I take care of her mother, because she has health issues. The STBX left her too. Mom called her on her behavior (she actually brought the guy to her moms house! Mom flipped out so she decided mom was “controlling and mean bitch.”)
Mom hasn’t spoken to her in nearly a year.
She initially tried casting blame; She said it was my fault because I brought negativity home from work ( I’m a peace officer and sometimes have to deal with some bad things) and it was our sons fault because he has ADHD and ODD and gave her a hard time sometimes.
After my brother in law set me straight and told me what was really going on, she then said she “wanted to be happy.” When the boys would cry and tell her they missed her and how sad they were, she told them lots of people divorce and they’d get over it and “don’t I deserve to be happy?” She has never acknowledged my feelings or apologized for the hurt and pain she’s caused.
CaliChump,
I’m so, so sorry you were treated like this. You and your boys deserve so much better. I’m hoping and wishing you all find peace at some point. You already know it’s not going to happen through your STBXW. It will have to be you guys, doing it mainly on your own.
I also am a father of multiple children w/my XW (two older daughters in their early twenties and a younger son just turned 14 yo this fall). I was married for a little over 24 years to the FW XW when she decided to have an affair w/her now former boss, and currently live-in partner (a bizarrely cheap, yankee sugar-daddy). No good warning that the infidelity of my wife and the destruction of our marriage was happening to me. Just lots of cryptic, passive-aggressive clues from the FW XW, but that was it. I was totally blindsided.
Unlike your STBXW, my XW wanted 50/50 custody of our young son. She didn’t want to hear that she was abandoning her family. In her mind, 50/50 custody of our son wasn’t abandoning. I’d say it’s at least half abandonment. Not to mention that she did abandon her family, totally. Her family w/ME. I was part of her family, too, until she decided unilaterally I wasn’t. But God forbid being upfront and telling me she wasn’t in love w/me anymore, and didn’t want to be married to me. No, it’s much more adult to sneak around when you claim to be working extra on weekends and fuck your married for 40 years, 15 years older rich boss at the time, in the house he shared w/his now XW! Oh, yes, she had to do extra work on the weekends for all the big projects he was throwing her way. Trusting chump that I was, I believed her. Why wouldn’t I? I loved her and trusted her totally!!
So, you said you can’t understand how your STBXW could do this to you and the family after 21 years, and after you thought she loved you? Well, that’s the rub. She stopped loving you at some point, just like mine. For me, it was probably because I left a high paying, but stressful job that I had to leave for reasons of sanity. And that sent me into a downward depression spiral, which I couldn’t break out of for four years, and which wasn’t helped by the fact that I was battling diabetes, and in denial about that. All I could think of was how I wasn’t doing my job of supporting the family. But I couldn’t muster the energy to break out and effectively do something about it, until the end of the four years.
Once we had to downsize from the very nice house and neighborhood we used to live in, I think my FW XW mentally and emotionally left me and our marriage. This despite the fact that I tried to show her in many ways how much I still loved and lusted after her, and her alone. I know I wasn’t the perfect spouse. Far from it. But I genuinely loved her, and tried my best to show that to her. On leaving me, she told me I was a better father than a husband. Since she’s left, I’ve come to realize that usually the people who say things like that after committing infidelity and then abandoning their spouse and family structure are the shittiest people, and they’re just trying to shift blame onto you for the relationship going south.
I don’t know what it was in your STBXW’s case that made her decide to abandon you for strange, but ultimately, it doesn’t matter. Neither of our former spouses cared enough or was mature enough to break things off cleanly, and then seek their happiness. Nope, they needed to know they could get cake from us and their new supplier for as long as possible, hurting us as much as possible in the process and in the reveal (not to mention for a long time after…).
You’re a stand-up guy for taking care of her mother. That’s class. Mine waited until her parents were both dead, because as she said, “they might have counseled her to work things out.” Of course your STBXW throws her mother under the bus. That’s how these disordered people roll. I understand what you mean, when you ask how could they? You will hopefully get to the point (and your boys, too) where you realize it doesn’t matter. What matters is she decided you and your sons weren’t important enough in her life to show the love a good wife and mother should. Which means, she’s not worthy of your love (they have a hard time grasping that, usually, if ever). You will come to understand how much better off you and your boys are without her. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but it will come.
I did have to laugh when you said she tried to blame shift the fault for everything on you because you brought negativity home from work. I got something similar, but it was because I was depressed. As if I wanted to be negative. It’s kind of hard not to be somewhat negative when you’re in the midst of a major depression. I’m sure, like you, I was hoping for some understanding. Nope. Just a weapon for them to use to blame shift everything on us.
Also, my FW XW told my kids something similar to yours. You said your STBXW asked them, “don’t I deserve to be happy?” Mine told my girls that the fact that they didn’t like her new partner was evidence that “you don’t want me to be happy!” What sad, pathetic people they are.
No, they will never acknowledge or apologize for the hurt and pain they’ve caused. Nor do I think they have a clue regarding the extent of it. Don’t expect it or hope for it. Just realize that without your STBXW in the picture (for the most part. Go as Grey Rock as you can, is my recommendation), you will be so much better off. And your boys, too. It will hurt, but the hurt will fade eventually, and the great boon of a more normal and respectable life will start to seep into your mind and soul. Eventually, you’ll all see how much happier you are w/out a FW like your STBXW in your lives (out of your lives for the most part, that is. Probably impossible to get a mother or father totally out of the kids’ lives, as good as that might be for them in cases like this).
Lots of love to you and your sons. I feel our situations are similar. I’m just coming up in March on a year after absolute divorce, and in April it will be three years out from D-day. It gets better. Believe me. And I’m still waiting for it to get even better the farther away those dates become. I’m starting to feel like my old self again. So will you. So will your boys. Take care. Thanks CL and CN for making it possible to see the bullshit, and tell people it will get better without the disordered spouses and partners in our lives. TRUST THAT THEY SUCK. The rest will follow.
CaliChump,
YOU are a true officer and a gentleman.
AND a wonderful, outstanding father and son in law!
I am pretty sure you are a pretty good, excellent, all around person!
You still take care of HER mother? Props to you for living your values.
The “don’t I deserve to be happy” line is the siren song of the selfish. Everybody else can suffer and it’s ok as long as cheater is questing for happy.
Your kids deserve to be happy and so much of their life is out of their control. A real parent would do anything to try and keep their child from harm. To be the cause of it is unconscionable.
Life gets hard, that’s why it’s awesome to have a partner and to get to BE a partner. I was so ride or die, totally AlL IN ‘cause that’s what I believed the marriage deal to be.
“Adulting” is hard, a adultery is easy!
Now that his affair partner dumped him and moved on to another man in the office, cheater is trying to appear as father of the year. I wonder which is worse, his constant false presence or if he would just be the once a month visit “Dad”? Hearing your situation just confirms it’s all bad.
They don’t get that Other people aren’t here to constantly please you. What is it about reciprocity that these creatures can’t grasp?
Her family has always been good to me. Before he passed away in 2011, her dad was not only a great mentor to me, he was a best friend too. I miss him as much as she does.
Her mother has been so upset by this that she paid for my divorce attorney. She felt I should keep and protect my boys. Unfortunately, she thinks her daughter just doesn’t really have the mothering gene.
Aww spoon river
I’m sending you massive ((( hugs )))
It’s scary, it’s sad , it’s heartbreaking it’s something none of us wanted but it makes it the end . I never wanted to get divorced but I had to file I had to push it through .
No more hopium , no more lawyers , no more lawyer fees ( boost ) . It seems like it will be the worst day ever but it’s not you’ve had that in D day and survived it .
No one is saying celebrate it but you have to accept it it’s over . Do something kind for yourself . Maybe a bottle of wine or a movie or a good book .
I read in the archives a great post it said he killed the marriage all I’m doing is getting the death certificate .
You won’t curl up into a ball and die do you know why ? Cause your mighty your amazing and you’ve already had D Day and survived that proves how amazing and mighty you are .
Please remember CN has your back we are with you every step of the way
Love to you ❤️
In my case, I didn’t do anything special, but I think that was right.
In North Carolina, where I live, you are legally considered single/not married (“legally separated”) as soon as someone moves out of the house, so that day happened very quickly after D-day, and I was way too distraught to celebrate. You can’t get legally divorced (which is just like being separated, except you can get married again) until you’ve been separated a year. After a year, I filed, but my lawyer didn’t bother to tell me it had been finalized for over a month.
The day I found out happened to be the anniversary of the day we got engaged. As I wasn’t expecting it — and had kinda forgotten about it — I treated myself to a nice lunch at Cracker Barrel. Yeah, it’s not that classy or special, but it is one of my favorite places to eat 🙂 ! The whole thing felt very “meh,” which is a good thing.
I was sitting in the waiting room at my doctor’s office, on what would have been our 9th wedding anniversary, when I got the call from my lawyer that my divorce was finalized. I didn’t feel like celebrating, but I wasn’t upset either. Not happy, not sad, just thankful that I could now move on to the next phase of my life and put this horrible event behind me.
I decided to take a ME Day and drove up to the lake. I turned my phone off and spent the entire day walking on the beach, reading, looking out over the water, and dreaming about my fabulous new life.
I didn’t know of our divorce date because there was a hang up in the courthouse and the paperwork didn’t arrive for weeks later.
The following year, on the anniversary, I did’t realize the day had past until weeks later. I wasn’t at Tuesday yet, but I was working towards it and too busy to look back.
July 28, 2016.
I dropped my kids off at day camp and got back in my car to drive to work. Our mediator called my cell and confirmed that the divorce papers had been finalized. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, thanked her and hung up. When I started the car, the Allman Brother “Blue Sky” came on the radio. The ABB is my favorite band and that is my favorite song of theirs. I looked up and indeed the sky was blue with puffy white summer clouds here and there and I drove to work singing that song at the top of my lungs, just so so happy it was finally over and I was free! It was THE greatest feeling in the world.
So now every July 28th, the first thing I do after I wake up is turn on Blue Sky and thank God for the truly wonderful life I’ve made for me and my kids.
Judge came in on his day off to sign divorce papers. On what would have been our anniversary, and the day we got married. Bittersweet but righteous at the same time. I had a quiet day. Long process to divorce and X went fully crazy. Kids and I moved away from our beautiful home and community and we are reinventing our new lives.
I was on the beach At a beautiful Blue Ridge Mountain Lake with a younger beautiful lady and her two boys swimming.
An email popping up contained the final decree dated 6-29-2018..
10 months of practicing NC had paid off and I got what I wanted from my no fault divorce. Quick and clean.
I’m at 90% MEH but still adapting to single life.
I smiled and later told my friend what the message was. This ‘friend’, I Later came to realize- was a user and I chose this time to recognize the red flags of a “low value mate”.
I haven’t slept with a woman since dday with my x concubine. I turn 60 in about 3 weeks. It’s lonely at times however I now realize that my choices in women have been bad. Celibacy isn’t so bad in the light of the STDs I might have faced had I continued hoping for a unicorn.
She’ll continue to be and do what her twisted mind commands her to be.
MARCUS LAZARUS,
I’m very glad you’re at 90% meh. I’m aspiring to get to that level. I think I’m at 50% meh now, nine months after absolute divorce was finalized. I too haven’t slept w/a woman since my FW XW (see? 50% meh at best) left me at home w/our then 11 yo son and our 18 yo daughter. My oldest daughter got the news of her mother’s treachery from me via FaceTime while she was finishing up her senior year in college abroad in England.
I’m sorry to say I asked the FW XW to make love to me one last time before she officially left me/her family, to which she agreed, and I have regretted it ever since. My only defense as to why I did that is that it was hard to accept at that point that I would no longer ever be intimate w/the woman I had started off as friends w/in high school, fell in unrequited LOVE w/in high school, became more than friends later in college, married immediately after college, had three beautiful children w/, and was together w/for over 24 years of loving marriage (at least on my part). I was desperate to grab hold of something, ANYTHING to put off the moment when I would never hold her in my arms again in love. I just had a good cry over this, but it’s ok! It doesn’t last very long. Not nearly as long as it did those first two years after D-day.
I agree, it is lonely, and I think my choices in women have been bad as well. But, I have hope that I can correct that, if I’m willing to open my eyes to all of a potential partners actions, and take heed of my instincts, instead of spackling (so many red flags I overlooked for intelligence, words, beauty, and the belief that others were like me: stupid, imperfect, but ultimately loving and loyal no matter what w/a committed partner).
I hope you don’t view celibacy as your only option. I did too, for awhile, but I want to try to break out of that thinking if for no other reason than to prove it’s possible to myself, and to show my children you can recover and thrive after something like this. If at first you don’t succeed and all…
I’m also taking a good, long look at myself, to try and make myself a better person. I know it will only help me in the long run (ha, ha) and will also make me more attractive to someone of worth. Who knows, maybe my love for somebody else this time will be of good to them, like theirs hopefully will be to me. Anything’s possible!
Most importantly, I hope I can be someone my kids respect more for the honesty, loyalty, integrity, clear-sightedness and love I show towards others. If I can fix my picker, so can they. So can we all. I know it’s been done billions and trillions of times before. It’s just new to me, and I have to prove it to myself.
I’m not expecting a female unicorn, perfect in every way, or even at all. To paraphrase a quote on my former marriage counselor’s website:
A great relationship is not when “perfect people” come together. It’s when imperfect people in a relationship learn to enjoy their differences.
As for our exes? Yes, I think you’re right. They’ll continue to be and do what their twisted minds command them to be. For example, just this past week, my FW XW decided to send a quilt she made and a letter to my 84 yo mother, who was like a second mother to her, and who has been devastated by her former daughter-in-laws actions towards her son and family (more than she should have been, but that’s another story).
For some reason (guilt? Nah…), the FW XW decided to text me that she had done this. Knowing how badly this could affect my mother, who suffers more and more from chronic anxiety, I called my mother immediately and told her what the FW XW had done, and recommended she just return it unopened (not demanded. I can only control myself, after all).
My mother being my mother, she said she would do that, but would write the FW XW a note, as this was the first time my mother had heard from her in almost three years after writing the FW XW two letters expressing her unhappiness with the FW XW’s actions following D-day. So the FW XW, after almost three years, decides it’s time to make nice w/my mother (and assuage her own guilt, I’m guessing)? Did I mention the FW XW’s a local politician? Everything she does I now see as a political action as well (my sister pointed this out a couple of years ago following the FW XW telling me in an email I was a good man) .
Well, when my mother went to return the FW XW’s package along w/the note my mother had written back to the FW XW (my mother said she never opened the package to see the quilt or the FW XW’s note to her), she got reminded by the postal worker that if the package hadn’t been opened she could simply refuse it, and not pay a dime! That made her very happy, as she thought she was going to have to spend $10-20 to return this insane offering.
Then my mother said she looked at the note she had written the FW XW, and realized after all the hurt and pain the FW XW had inflicted on me, our family, and on my extended family, she did not need to communicate w/her any longer. Simply writing the note and getting her feelings towards the FW XW out were enough. So she ripped up the note and sent back the FW XW’s package w/RETURN TO SENDER. All I could think of when I heard of this through my sister, who’s been a rock for me all through this sorry mess, was the Elvis Presley song of that name. It doesn’t really fit the situation, but it still felt good singing it!
As always, best wishes to you, MARCUS LAZARUS. Thanks for inspiring me to get some of these things off my chest. I wish you, your family, and all of CN peace, happiness and meh for the holidays. And forever after, if at all possible. Take care, and may you be fuckwit-free as much as possible going forward.
I found out my divorce was final via an email that went into my spam box!
I called my sister and she met me for a beer.
Very quiet day.
I walked through the door of my golden cage into the bright daylight, feeling free for the fist time in decades.
Dec 9, 2015, it was just another day. In my state I was notified by mail. It may have been passed that day I don’t remember. BUT as some of you here know, they still try to control your life or do nasty things. I remember the court had ordered him to release the funds he had held “hostage” during the divorce. So I get this letter in the mail from XAH and he has once again not followed the court order. By his calculations (LOL) I deserved much less bc he had determined I WASN’T HONEST! Can’t make this shit up. Once again I lost it and I filed contempt of court …. He paid up, but still had to act like the ASS he was and is! This was my thank you for 32 faithful years. No more TEARS!!!!
Thank god I have managed NC for a long time now. Only have to see him couple Xs a year at gramdkids bday parties. I ignore him as if he were invisible. 4 years he’s managed to weasel his way back into the adult kids lives. I don’t go if he’s there. It pisses everyone off but, MY LIFE NOW!
I did nothing. After 4 yrs of legal battles in a state that weaponizes a marriage contract and religiously highjacks personal freedom, I earned my scars. But we all know scars are the toughest skin. It cost me, I paid my ransom but….freedom from fear is priceless! I am strong, have weathered many storms and I am unsinkable!
Congrats Mary what an inspiration!!!