Please Don’t Kill Yourself for a Fuckwit

This is a particularly poignant one today. My stepson did kill himself over a fuckwit. This is our 2nd Christmas without him, and it’s still impossible to fully grasp the reality of it.

When my cheater played her mind games on me, my first response was to agree with her premise that I was as inadequate as she told me I was. But the more I thought about it the more I began to think, “wait a minute! I’m not perfect, but I didn’t cheat or manipulate. And I spent 30 years trying to support and love my wife to the best of my ability.” It wasn’t long before the desire to assert my own value as a human being overcame my desire to save the marriage, and I left.

Within a few years I found a woman (and a family) that did value me. My new life is wonderful.

Tragically, my stepson believed all the horrible crap his girlfriend said about him. His suicide note was filled with statements about how he wasn’t good enough. We tried so hard to remind him of his value, and thought we had succeeded, but he hid the depth of his depression from us.

I only knew him for a few years, but he was among the kindest men you could ever hope to meet. He would have continued to bring so much to the world.

I know his fuckwit isn’t solely responsible for his death. There had to have been more to his depression than just her. I often think that if he had understood the impact his suicide would have on his mother and siblings he wouldn’t have done it, but suicide isn’t really something you can apply logic or reason to.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. Just needed to say it.

You had me at I know I should leave him , but I’m in pain , Which is true , it’s been a year now , more numb then I was , But I’m also to the point That I didn’t do anything wrong , He did , He wasn’t happy with what he had , a wife and children , home , a life He wanted more , someone out of his reach, but he went after her anyway He did cause a lot of pain and suffering by his words and actions , Which as women we remember ,we don’t forget But we do move on It maybe slowly but moving on I am And no I haven’t moved out , I haven’t divorced himStill here in family home where I own half of it , have my own room , Again He was the one that fucked up not me I’m not going anywhere If anyone should leave it’s him But he has t At first that’s what he tried to get me to do , for me to leave , so he could have somewhere to move the woman into , Well it’s not going to be My House So he Cheated fell in love with someone else who’s not me , Well after breaking up our marriage , my heart , my trust. He’s found out it’s not working so well with him and the other woman , She was more of a user of men , She didn’t care for him like he did for her , now he’s trying to get hold of what he use to have here with me his grown children , Which we are all much wiser now He wants to pick up where he left off I can’t , I don’t want to go back He tries to bully me , to show he’s in charge , he’s the man of the house again He’s not any of those He’s someone that I use to know , Someone I use to love , Who Loved and care for me I think Anyway for all that he’s done to me and my family I don’t want him back , I’m not trying to fix things between us there’s nothing there to fix , I’m still here cause I had No other place to go As I read different things it said for the wife to fix things to wait around for husband , to give him space To honor him , What he didn’t honor our marriage or me Why do we have to wait for them Is this a another vow I don’t know about , Where after u have been married many years husband can look for someone new. And wife has to wait for him like a good little wife?? Well His little wife is now taking care of her self Putting her self first He broke the vows I knew about , there’s No going back Only forward He messed up , he threw us away He has his life I have mine , Which he loss the right to be apart of , when he choose another woman over me So now as Christmas is here he’s trying to fit in to be apart of the FAMILY He doesn’t understand why Were not letting him back in What he has done is not easily forgotten at least by us He has moved on from all hrs done it didn’t work out for him this time but he did it once , that I know about , He could do it again . Once is enough for me I need to be a priority , to be loved To be first , Not a after thought , or doing the pick me dance So still moving slowly , but doing things for me My life Thanks this might be off topic , but it was what I needed to say Thanks. Merry Christmas to all of u Snd to Happy NEW year to all of us

To all those chumps who might be considering suicide today: I was there too. Just a few weeks after my oldest son killed himself at 20, I found Two-Legged Rat having phone sex in our den. I was so depressed that I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital (not the first time). One week later, I discovered that the woman he was having sex with (in addition to a string of subordinates, strippers and hookers) was his first cousin, 15 years older than both of us. And I lost it. I didn’t even think of my two other sons, who were 11 and 17 at the time, I made a suicide attempt so serious that I spent three days at the ICU. It took me two and a half years to kick the narcopath out forever, and then my depression worsened and all I could think about was killing myself. My own kids hated spending time with me, because my sadness and my anger were too much for them.
But something was still alive inside, even in the deepest loneliness. It’s been more than ten years without depression or medication. I started talking to kids who wanted to take their own lives, studying about suicide, getting diplomas in psychology. Now, helped by a wonderful team of volunteers, I run the teenage suicide prevention foundation that I created in memory of my son, I have received awards and appear frequently on TV, radio stations and the press. All this after 30 years with a monster who had me convinced that I was worthless and couldn’t live without him. And the best? My kids are back, they’ve gotten to know the real me, they love me, respect me and admire me. I was so afraid they would turn into psychopaths like their dad, but they ended up having my values. And I’m expecting them in a few hours, we’ll cook and eat a wonderful Christmas Eve Dinner, open our modest gifts and, for the third year in a row, they won’t leave early to visit their dad and his family. We’ve started a simple, fun and loving Christmas Eve tradition without TLR. My life is simple but great and, even though my kids have left home and sometimes I feel a little lonely, I enjoy my work and all the new friends I’ve made after my lifetime friends left me for TLR.
It’s not easy, the pain is so great that death may seem the only relief, but please call a suicide hotline, relative or friend. All my love to you.

My adulterous, abusive husband left five years ago, and my last (abusive) boyfriend (guy I thought was my friend for 30 years) left two years ago for other women. I still often feel suicidal/very depressed/embarrassed as in ‘I wish that I had not been born’ kind of way and hopeless. The pain is finite as life is finite. It would be really nice if the pain ended before one’s life ended. I have decided to just try to live with the pain as I cannot find a way to be happy and hopeful. (Partnerless, jobless, and home ownerless for years when one does not want to be make feeling happy and hopeful challenging.) The pain holds some value as it has made me even more empathetic.

Although I think that I will feel pain for the rest of my life, I have decided to create happiness and hope for others. Going to try to stop viewing a particular guy, a particular job, a spot in a particular university as the be all, end all. Life didn’t go the way I had hoped. Now I might as well focus on creating the future and forging a new path. It might not be what I want, but it might be interesting. I am encouraging my kids to learn as much as they can (in and out of school) to have a good life and help others have good lives. (I don’t think that they generally heed my advice, but ideally, some good will come out of me giving them this advice and support.) I have committed myself to alleviating the plight of the homeless (people and animals) and the financially insecure. I might not have the most brilliant ideas on how to solve these complex problems, but I will try to come up with solutions and will try to alleviate the plight of the unfortunate through just plain hard work for the rest of my life. Ideally, someday soon I will have come up with a good enough solution to serve as an effective advocate. Pushing myself to write, too, although I don’t consider myself a writer, as writing is important as a researcher and an advocate. I am going to do what is difficult (for me) and allow me to be vulnerable, although I often fall on my face, embarrassing myself. At the very least, I can talk to the homeless and tell them I care about them, for whatever that is worth. I have heard that I might receive a house someday. If I am so fortunate, then I plan to share it with my kids if they need and want to live there as well as researchers and advocates for the underprivileged, asking for no more than what is required to cover expenses of maintaining the house. I plan, in a way, to start a housing scholarship of sorts. (If anyone else is doing this, I would love to hear from you!) I am fine sleeping on the sofa with pillow and blanket in the living room–who needs privacy when one does not have a partner? Maybe I’ll even have a cat or two curl up with me. (I am allergic to cats and dogs but love animals. I also tremendously miss the daily or even weekly touch of another human being. Really miss having a partner.) If all goes well, when I am really old, I can do volunteer work almost every day, and I will finally be organized! Looking forward to creating a happier, healthier world. Happy holidays, Chump Nation! Know that you are loved!