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Please Don’t Kill Yourself for a Fuckwit

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I get a lot of sad letters at Chump Lady. Letters like:

“I know I should leave him. But I am in pain, I really really love him so much!!! My life is meaningless without him. I think about him every single minute. I keep hoping he will realize I am the best girl, without me, he won’t be as happy as before. I am hoping he will change for me, I am hoping we can get back together. My world is only him. I don’t want to live without him. If he leaves, my world has no meaning anymore. I want to end my life.”

Please don’t end your life for a fuckwit! If anyone out there is feeling suicidal over a fuckwit, call a suicide hotline, call emergency services for an immediate psych evaluation, get on anti-depressants, find Jesus, find Yoga, adopt puppies — but whatever you do, do NOT kill yourself for a fuckwit!

Can you imagine a more pointless death? Offing yourself for a cheater? This is like committing hari-kari for finding gum on your shoe.

Look, I’m not trying to make light of your despair, chumps — I’m trying to offer perspective. I’ve been there, but let me tell you, these feelings are transitory. It baffles me now. but I once imagined driving into highway medians. For what? A bald, fat serial cheater who read fantasy elf lit and draped his trousers over chairs? A man who couldn’t pick up the dinner check for his widowed mother living on a coal miner’s pension, but would happily drop $800 on a new crossbow for himself? That selfish bastard? I marvel now that I wasted 5 minutes in his company, let alone considered ending my life over him. WTF was WRONG with me?!

I couldn’t live without THAT? The mindfuckery? The gaslighting? The constant drama? The pick me dance? The fucking elf lit?

Oh but there were good times! He… he could be really charming! 

Yeah, like that time he threatened to kill me. #Kodakmemories

Fact was, I had sunk costs. I’d been whiplashed between sparkly impression management (KIBBLES! I GET A KIBBLE!) and straight-out abuse. I was EXHAUSTED. I had invested so much in that lie, but it was MY LIE. It was my LIFE. Please God, don’t make me start over.

Starting over was exactly God’s plan. And thank you Jesus, because I have a pretty swell life. Like yesterday, my son’s home from spring break and we went to the new Smithsonian African American museum (his idea!) and had a great day together! And the day before that, he went to art class with me, and my Russian instructors swooned over how handsome he was, and told him he looked like Pushkin! And this kid hung out with me, drawing (my thing) for three straight hours, because he loves me, and maybe I’m kind of fun to be with sometimes, now that I’m not a snotty mess mourning a fuckwit.

Sure, my son would still love me if I was a snotty mess mourning a fuckwit, but I am infinitely more cool without the fuckwit.

And you are too. Which brings me to the Universal Bullshit Translator.

“I know I should leave him. But I am in pain, I really really love him so much!!!

It’s completely rational to leave people and things which PAIN us. Loving pain? Not rational.

Healthy love doesn’t inflict pain. Do you want to be healthy, or unhealthy?

My life is meaningless without him.

No it is not. YOU ascribe meaning to your life, not him. DO NOT GIVE HIM THAT POWER. Fill your life with a thousand things that are NOT him — peonies, Broadway showtunes, warm cookies, Agatha Christie novels, handknit socks. These are just a few of my favorite things… that aren’t fuckwits. Make your own list.

When you give him ALL meaning, that means you are prioritizing his God-like status above people who actually DO love you, like your family or your children.

Really? You want to worship at the Fuckwit altar when you have all that?

I think about him every single minute.

Don’t.

Seriously. STOP IT. Go out for a walk. Dial a friend. Dial a stranger. Get on my forum. Drop and give me 50 pushups. Just STOP this shit.

I keep hoping he will realize I am the best girl, without me, he won’t be as happy as before.

That’s not going to happen. If he valued you, he wouldn’t cheat on you.

Forget about his happiness. Trust me, he’s happy fucking you over. It’s what these people do.

How about you be the “best girl” for you?

I am hoping he will change for me,

Not gonna happen.

I am hoping we can get back together.

Could happen. And then it will bring you pain and thoughts of suicide. Ergo, I don’t think getting back together is a good idea. The fuckwit isn’t having a character transplant.

My world is only him.

Your world is too small. Why not have your own world instead of being a minor satellite to Planet Narcissist?

I don’t want to live without him. If he leaves, my world has no meaning anymore. I want to end my life.”

“Here lies the remains of a Minor Satellite Chumptronic 45DK0983, which crashed to earth after its last voyage to Planet Narcissist. Its exploratory mission ended when it found Planet Narcissist arid and uninhabitable. Scientists believe the minor satellite then had an existential crisis when it falsely concluded that no planets could sustain life if Planet Narcissist could not sustain life.

The satellite was last seen hurdling towards Pittsburgh, as a fiery ball of space trash.”

Don’t end your life over a fuckwit. Live. Explore. There are better worlds out there.

This is a rerun, but there are folks out there, especially this time of year who could use a reminder. I’m glad you’re here. Xoxoxox

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Long live elf lit! Or dwarf lit! Or orc lit! But down with the fuckwit!

    Love and Happy Holidays to my fellow chumps. We can do this!!!!

    Christina (lover of fantasy literature and a tabletop gamer/designer)

      • Thank you for this post today. I won’t rehash my story as I’ve posted it here before, but I’ve been struggling lately because my divorce is final the day after Christmas.

        Despite everything she has done, I can’t help but miss her and love her still. The way she left was devastating, both to me and my boys. I never thought or suspected she would do anything like this.

        The subsequent discoveries I found later, learning it had been going on for several months and this guy was encouraging her to leave her family, were worse.

        I haven’t thought about killing myself, because I won’t do that to my boys, but I’ve been very depressed since she left and my sons have been angry. They hardly talk to her and she visits infrequently. She gave me full custody of the boys without any argument or discussion. Her mom thinks she doesn’t want to be a full time parent anymore.

        I’ve always been a family oriented person and Christmas is the biggest family holiday. Now, because of all this, I’ll associate the holidays with sadness.

        • Dear CaliChump,
          I hear you and totally understand why you are feeling this way about the holidays. I hope that, in future years, you are able to build some more positive holiday associations with your boys and others in your life. I’m looking forward to that, too!

          • Thank you LezChump. All the things we did as a couple and a family, I’ve done with just the boys and I this year.

            She left November 2nd of 2018, so it’s our second holiday season without her.

            Last year was very hurtful because she told me how much she enjoyed not being with her family for the holidays, because this guy and his “family “(she lives with him, his brother and his brothers girlfriend) doted on her . It was very hurtful to hear her say that.

            We always decorated together and I would hang mistletoe so I could kiss her under it. Not anymore.

            She texted me last night and asked if she had to go to court for the divorce Thursday. I told her no, it’s a formality (I live in California; the divorce was completed 6 months ago but you’re not considered unmarried until 6 months later).

            It was like pulling a scab off of a wound.

            • It sounds to me like you’re well rid of your ex, even though it’s painful. Cheers to you and your boys, (((CaliChump)))!

            • “Starting over was exactly God’s plan”. Re-read That Cali. Let That sink in.

              If you’re an atheist consider GOD as Good Orderly Direction.

              Here’s a challenge Bro, report back here Dec 26, 2021 ( that’s your two year Freedom Anniversary ), and see if your ‘woe is me it’s Christmas’mind/heart set hasn’t changed.

              When I divorced my alcoholic 1st wife to maintain my own sobriety and rescue my daughter from living her developmental years in that destructive paradigm, I soon latched onto this reality…”It’s Me and You kid, Against the World”. I was determined to give her a different upbringing than what I lived through.

              Peace Love and Understanding. It’s coming FOR YOU CALI!!

              • Beautifully put Marcus. And Cali, take him up on the challenge. Best wishes to you and hugs from France (it’s almost Christmas here (9 p.m.) and I’m sitting here on my own, in front of the TV eating baked spuds – lovely). And please get back to us on the forum on Thursday or Friday. Biz (as they say over here)!

              • Thank you Marcus. And yes, I am a Christian, but my pastor said that this is not God’s plan; my wife, for whatever reason, has hardened her heart and turned away from both her family and God. Sometimes, even God can’t reach a person with a hardened heart.

                He believes she will have to go through another failed relationship and perhaps several men before she reaches bottom and realizes what she’s done and the hurt she’s caused.

            • Wow, gratuitous cruelty after casually abandoning her family. She is one disordered freak.
              Sorry she said such an awful thing. I hope next year you will be healed and can enjoy the holidays again.

            • Calichump… Boy.
              Your love for her sounds like it was pure and real.
              It hurts when we genuinely love a fraud.
              January coming will be 5 years for me.
              On the first Christmas he came by in the morning. Within minutes I was wishing him gone.
              Right now I’ve got friends over and there is laughter and peace.
              God opened the door and removed that evil from your life. He did it to protect you. It is hard to be grateful for it but if you believe that he works things out for the best for those who love him, then you must accept that this is what he has done for you and your children.
              Keep them close. Be the sane parent. They will give you a far more real genuine love than any cheater could. God bless.

              • Mandie101,

                Yes, I truly loved my wife and thought she felt the same. I wasn’t perfect and we had our ups and downs like any marriage, but I never lied or cheated and never considered it. I thought she felt that way too.

                I know God works in mysterious ways, but he also gave us free will, meaning we can also choose to do the wrong things, as she did.

        • Cali,
          Your boys need you and are lucky to have a caring figure in their lives. Do one new holiday thing with them (even if it’s teeny tiny) that you can file away as a new tradition just the three of you. Replace the old family memories. Delete, upgrade to family version 2.0

          I’m a year and a half out and the pain is still there. It’s morphed a bit though, I’m not grieving as much for him because I understand (most days) THAT MAN wasn’t real. The pain is really the idea that someone, anyone, could lie so effortlessly and that the way I had mentally conceived of the world was wrong. I’ve had to create a new schema for interpreting the world; that shit TAKES TIME.

          I’ve stopped fighting against the pain. I just acknowledge it and have it sit in a corner and on good days it listens and just quietly drones on in the background. It’s my constant companion, until one day maybe it won’t be.

          I have a 7 year old that I have to “share”. I get that It’s hard to watch your kid hurting missing what family used to mean. I know you’re sad for them but this is not your doing. She did that. Now you can redefine family and traditions in your home; THAT is all we control.

          She’s an utter fool for leaving a beautiful family. All the cheaters are, they just don’t have the capacity to see it, so who are the real chumps in the final calculation?

          Happy free from her New Year to you, Cali.

          • Hey Fearful,
            Thanks again for your support and kindness. As I’ve said before, I received more support from the folks on this forum than I did from the person who was supposed to be there for me.

            The last thing she said before she left was “You’re not gonna commit suicide are you?” At the time, I didn’t understand why she would say that, because she had told me she just needed a “break” and was going to stay at her mom’s for a little while.

            I found out later that was a lie and that’s probably why she said that to me, knowing I would be devastated.

            Anyway, thank you again. We’ve never met but I consider you a friend. I hope you have a Merry Christmas.

            • Christmas is a difficult time for many people including the newly thumped. For the first year I was in so much pain I didn’t want to exist.(different to suicidal ad I would not do that to my family) Almost 3 years out I am happy with my single life and looking forward to Christmas with my family.
              No or minimal contact is the way and focusing on family and friends who are there for you and finding fun social activities to give motivation and distract from your misery.
              Merry Christmas and a better year ahead for those still suffering. Your Tuesday is coming! Xxx

            • Cali, I’m more in agreement with Marcus. Your Pastor means well, but I disagree, I feel that your ex has always had a hardened selfish heart. I had a difficult time accepting this with my ex. I held on to the belief that he was the person I thought I married. Despite all the cruelty, gaslighting, and malicious lies. Good people don’t abandoned their families or children. Your Ex may have many men but she will never hit rock bottom. You need a conscious to hit rock bottom. She will never accept blame, look back in remorse. She will always have a back up plan. She doesn’t see relationships as a normal person. Everyone has a purpose and once their purpose has expired she will move on to the next. Create a new tradition for you and your boys to enjoy. Merry Christmas

              • Cali, I strongly agree with brit. My therapist once told me she wishes she could stencil the words “he/she will never never never understand” around the perimeter of her office. So many of her clients (me included) just wanted to be heard and understood by their betrayer. I tried for 2 years until I finally saw the light. He will never ever ever understand. He has no empathy. Same with your X wife. That’s why she could flippantly say, “You’re not gonna commit suicide over this are you?” There is something very wrong with her, personality disorder or not, and she will never hit rock bottom and suddenly wake up and get it.
                People like her feel entitled to their ” happiness” and they do not care about others.

              • I understand what everyone is saying, and I agree her behaviors are callous and narcissistic. However, if I deny that she can repent and change then I’m denying my own beliefs.

            • Calichump, she is a sadist and gets off on hurting you. Please don’t let this dark stuff infiltrate your being. Literally “get thee behind me, Satan” if you have to

        • CaliChump,

          I missed my ex. I was devastated. I absolutely wanted to die and I also thought about driving into embankments. I thought he was wonderful and that there had to be something wrong with me for him to dump me. That was 5 years ago. I assure you, it does get so much better. Now you’re missing what you thought you had. Keep that very much in the forefront of your mind. It’s what you THOUGHT that you had. You never actually had anything wonderful. Were she such a wonderful person, she would never have done the things that she did — and LIE ABOUT IT ALL. Believe us all that it was never you! There’s nothing wrong with you that she had to get away. Put that on notes and tape them to your bathroom mirror until you believe them. Do the same type of notes for your children and tape the notes to their mirrors. I never really understood the expression, “Believe them when they show you who they are.” Believe me, I fully understand it now. The dick-ex showed me many times who he was, but I smoked the hopium pipe for so many years, that I was addicted. I couldn’t put it down. After finding out (yet again) at the 30-year mark all of the crap that he was doing, I finally couldn’t do it anymore. I hadn’t found CL or CN at the time so I had to work out the nonsense going through my head by myself. But when you work it out, and if you’re like me, you’re untangling that skein, you will see that there’s nothing to untangle. You married a fuckwit narcissist and that’s who she is and that’s who she will be until the day she dies. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay for your children to be angry. Take yourself and your family out to an isolated lake (or a forest) and spend the time yelling your anger out at the lake. Each of you take turns yelling out the things that you wish you could tell your ex (not too, too ugly things because you have to set an example.) And then turn to your children and say, “Okay. We got that out. We are NOW going to have fun and not let this ugliness prevent us from enjoying the season!” And go have LOTS of fun! This sadness is finite. You are doing great! I don’t have to thank you for taking care of your children. That’s your job. It was hers too, but she’s a fuckwit. But thank you for being a wonderful dad! Merry Christmas and many, many blessings!!

            • My ex wife also cheated and bailed on our daughter and I after 24 years. My daughter was 17 and that first Christmas was brutal. I didn’t learn about the other man (family “friend”) until months later. Then all the pieces fell into place like a Tetris puzzle, all the lies and “weekends away with the girlfriends” horse shit. But now 6 years later and Christmas is pretty routine, I get to spend it with both our kids and my new grandson who just turned 2. The kids talk to her but won’t have anything to do with her and Mr Wonderful which I know drives her crazy. She BEGGED them to go away with them to an ocean resort (we went twice a year while a family) for the Fourth of July and they told her absolutely not. She was hounding them so much I had a few drinks and broke NC to tell her in no uncertain terms her actions have consequences and have a nice life. I think her and idiot boy are in Hawaii this Christmas as that’s where he’s from and his family lives, but I know they’re not rich and have a million family living under one roof there and it’s crowded etc so it’s not this luxurious trip I’m sure she’s selling on Fakebook. Meanwhile I get to spend Christmas in my house (I kept it) with our kids etc (and not her whacked out mother and step father who never lifted a finger but always brought Tupperware to cart off the meal I paid for) ..I’m so done with that clown show. It’s hard that first year or 2 but trust me it gets better brother.
              Merry Christmas to you and your kids

              • KBchump, this year I won’t have to watch my in-law grinches tote off my Christmas dinner. I had to cook two turkeys, two hams just so we would have the traditional leftovers. Who the hell brings Tupperware to take food from another’s home? A bunch of lowlife losers who count on the chumps to be accommodating. Never again.

          • Amazon, like you, I had a hard time understanding the expression “believe them when they show you who they are,” He treated me like shit but I spackeld, and spackled some more. I’m ashamed to admit how much I spackeld. I made endless excuses for his behavior. I put the piece of shit on a pedestal he didn’t deserve. I was addicted to the hopium pipe. I thought if I try hard enough the person I married will reappear. He’s really a great guy, everyone likes him, he’s funny, he’s nice to other people, It must be me.., this is what he told me. He got along with everyone but me, so Brit, you have mental problems. I believed him.., so I made no demands and took his shit. The person I thought I married never existed, I didn’t deserve to be treated like trash, I did nothing to deserve his disrespect. He isn’t who I thought he was and didn’t deserve my respect or anything else from me.
            In my mind, our relationship wasn’t like other couples, we were special. I blamed myself for his unhappiness and worked harder to make him happy. It never occurred to me that he couldn’t give a shit about me. There wasn’t anything I could have done to make him happy, he had moved on. I had to find CN before I came out of my hopium induced fog. I also got rid of all the Switzerland friends that think he’s such a wonderful guy. Excuse my language but fuck them. They also don’t deserve my friendship. Calichump, I understand and don’t mean to sound militant.

            • Ex’s job required him to travel, I remember after some trips being hit with a gut feeling something was off as soon as he walked into the front door. At first I’d ignore the feeling in my gut and try to shrug it off, thinking I was just being weird. Then one day when he came home and in the middle of our conversation I surprised myself and asked if he had been with anyone on his trip. He chuckled, and said that I had quite the imagination, and should write novels or even soap operas, he went on and on about my being insecure. Ex went on another tangent that he wasn’t that kind of guy, “he’s a man of integrity.” My gut feeling knew better after his long explanation, I wanted so badly to believe him I continued to ignore my gut, but subconscious didn’t. Just one of the many incidents where I let myself down. I so badly wanted to hold onto the relationship I thought we had. If only I hadn’t loaded the dishwasher improperly or hadn’t parked so close to the house he wouldn’t be so distant.
              My hope is that his AP/ now wife is now the recipient of the same treatment.

        • ((((CaliChump))))
          Thinking of you and your sons this Christmas morning.
          YOU are definitely their best Christmas, and every day, present, ever!

          Re read your sentence of your cheater’s present existence. It sounds fake and hollow, like her.

          You, dear gentleman, and loving father, are the real deal!

          In the future I know CN will be reading posts from you that shine and tell of a new found happiness within. Be patient, hug your boy’s, you got this!

          Xxxxxxxx
          peacekeeper

        • “I can’t help but miss her and love her still.”
          I’m sure others will point this out but it’s natural and normal to “miss” what you thought you had, the person you thought she was. And you “love” that person you thought you had. You saw your life as including this person. You thought you were married to someone decent and faithful and loving. But it turns out she wasn’t what you thought she was.

          The next step for you is to let go of the illusion. You were all in. She was not.

          • My divorce became final today. Even though I knew it was coming, it still hurts. I just can’t understand why people do things like this. They run off to some supposed “happiness,” leaving a broken family behind them…

      • I don’t, my fuckwit lived for LOTR. It’s the only literature he reads. And he expounds nonsense about it till your eyes glaze over. One of the best parts of splitting with him is I NEVER have to hear hour-long discussions of elves vs. hobbits. Ever. Again. Fuck Tolkien and fuck my fuckwit,

    • Help Chump Nation. It is Christmas Eve. I am so sad. My divorce went final earlier this month. My ex cheated on my twice with people out of state in two different incidents the past 15 months. I gave my all for her. I helped her make a better life for herself. She cheated on me with someone from the midwest Fall 2018. I left but the online sources said to give a second chance (I did not find CL then). I gave the second chance within six months she left on weekend trips supposedly with friends from work. I found the other guy. He is from Chicago half my size thrice my looks, and twice my salary. They had at least three excursions together. The divorce is final but the pain still lingers and it is great. Tomorrow I go watch my 3 year old see what Santa brought. The next day the new guy comes in and they are going on a trip together. I have had to move in with my mom and the ex rents the house from me because I can’t afford all my bills. I am having a hard time finding something to be hopeful for. I am not in danger to myself or others. The three year old spends half the time with me and will be with me while the adults have a fun time. It just hurts.

      • So Chumpty, your family is three generations celebrating Christmas together, right? That is a blessing.

        Does your three year old have a special place in your home where she can put her toys and her pajamas? Where does she sleep? Provide a daily routine for her: when to get up, eat meals, go to the park, have story time, 20 – 30 minutes playtime (on the floor) with Daddy, bath, prayers and bedtime. This is huge, and will give your daughter such a feeling a security. I think it will bring you a sense of success, too, and thus, some happiness.

        Let her help you, as is age appropriate, with chores. She can put the cans away, put away the pans, set the spoons and forks on the table, go get this and that.

        Take her and your mom for a ride to see the Christmas lights. Make some memories that she will always carry with her in her heart.

        Help your mom with whatever things she needs done.

        Be grateful to God that you have a family and that you have an affordable place to stay.

        Avoid comparing yourself to anyone, okay? Comparing only causes bitterness. Instead, think about how to help your daughter and your mom have a good day. This makes you their hero, thus: the best man in the world.

        • Beautiful post Queen Mother.
          Chumps have a way of putting their beautiful children first.
          Their happiness is first priority
          Chumps do everything possible to ensure it.
          Cheaters, not so much.

          Our Children are our light and our hope.
          We bask in their loveliness!
          ❤️
          Just as a NewBorn Baby born on Christmas Day

          Merry Christmas CN

      • We all know that pain. It is like no other. Sometimes you even feel like the pain itself could be the death of you. All I can tell you is it will get better at some point. You have some healing to do and you might find having a therapist to unload to helpful. Hugs from a chump in Canada. ❤

      • Don’t compare yourself to this man. He broke up your family, your toddler’s family, along with your cheater wife. What sort of woman embarks on affairs right after having a baby?

        I can answer that question. Someone with very poor character. Someone who doesn’t know anything about love. Someone who values nothing but what she can get in the moment.

        Get through the holidays and then make a plan for the life you want. Living with your mom is a good temporary solution. But your house is accruing value. You can figure out how to enhance your income. You can see yourself as helping your mom while you rethink your financial strategy. Be sure to let us know how things go for you.

        • Man.. You have all the valuable thinks:you child, your soul, and your familfy! She and that individual have nothing than a poor character, false values and miserable life’s disguised in a gold one. Don’t take their b**s**ts. You had the power to make her a beautiful life, then you have the power to make your life beautiful again! Wish you a fresh New aYear without pain;only blessings, health, freedom and a beautiful life!
          As a recommendation, check the Soul GPS and Inner integration channels via YouTube.
          This helped me to free miself from that misery. God bless you!

      • I know this sounds weird Chumpty Dumpty, but your mom and you could end up providing a beautiful home for your child. If she has a sane and healthy team as an alternative to a mother who would sell out her family, your little girl could be really lucky. Do not give up. This could be the best thing that could have happened. You can not create happiness with a fuckwit.

  • Dear Chump Nation,

    I absolutely, totally understand what it feels like to want to end your life after being cheated on. I lived (no, actually clawed my way) thru that. It sucked.

    I’m begging any of my fellow chumps to hang in there.

    I’ve said before that any day is only 24 hours long. Christmas. Valentines Day. Your birthday. You can make it thru 24 hours and then the hard day is behind you.

    Each of us has someone they matter to. If you cannot think of anyone, you matter here. You matter to me.

    You won’t hurt the person responsible for your pain by ending your life. They won’t miss you because they’re not real, loving people. You will only hurt someone who truly cares and doesn’t deserve to carry the pain of your loss. Anyone who is a parent – do NOT hurt yourself. You don’t have that right. Even if your children aren’t speaking to you because they think you’re the bad guy, remember that life can change in an instant. Do not pass your burden onto your children. You are not a burden; your death would be.

    Chump Lady says the pain in finite. That may be a hard goal when you’ve been dealing with the pain for over a decade or more. Even if the pain doesn’t go away, LIFE DOES GET BETTER and is SO worth it.

    Today is my birthday. It’s one of those numbers that isn’t so much fun anymore. There is no significant other in my life. Life can be lonely. But I have a dog who cant believe her luck when I welcome her into my bed every night! I’m scheduled for an MRI today. My spirit is strong but my body not as much as it used to be. I am lucky to be with one family member today but missing the other and the loss of the family I thought I would have now. But I get to pick what I do today and how I celebrate. I’m picking up my own cake because that way I will get what I want and will love every damn bite, too! I’m making it MY version of a great day for ME!

    I cannot promise every person here an easy path, financially or emotionally. But I CAN promise that there will be days when the warm sun, passing a flowering tree, seeing fresh snow on a Sunday morning or a bright blue sky will bring a smile to your face. Your heart will feel bright. The weight of the world will be gone. Those are the days that are worth fighting for.

    Please keep yourself safe for me and your fellow chumps! And one day you can pray that your message will help someone else.

    Love to Chump Nation and, Chump Lady, enjoy every moment of your vacation. Thank you for providing this space for all of us.

    💗

    PS: if nothing else, clean your house instead. It’s a great alternative.

    • Happy birthday Rebecca. I’m alone today thanks to a boyfriend who made more excuses to not be with me. I’m done chasing him that’s for sure. I’ll be fine going to my daughters place later. Men can suck even if they aren’t the original fucktard there are plenty of them around.

      • Thanks Newlady!
        Bad people come in every size, shape and sex; not just men.
        There are more good people than bad ones. Change your focus to seek out the good ones who become part of your circle!

      • Here’s a good thought: You figured out this BF is selfish and makes you “chase” him before you got too deeply involved. Time to kick him to the curb.

        And here’s a 2020 goal: Get to the point where your happiness on the holidays or your birthday or Valentine’s Day isn’t about being with a romantic partner. The world is full of people and animals who will love you back.

    • Dear Rebecca, “You matter to me.” Thank You for that sentiment. Back at you With all of that message and Happy Birthday to you, dear fellow dog loving chump.

      I was a chump who wanted to die. I left him instead. It has been eight months. I’m still not divorced. (He is contesting.) Everyday I wake up grateful to be here.

      My little shack is clean, tidy and a sanctuary from his disordered life. Right now it is full of my sons, a dear daughter-in-law and my granddog. I have everything.

    • Happy birthday Rebecca and I hope the MRI brings useful information. Thinking of you and sending love and light. 😘😘😘

    • Happy birthday Rebecca! 🎂
      What a sweet person you are! I hope there’s a lot of nature’s beauty around you today, along with your canine pal.

    • Happy Birthday, Rebecca! Best of luck with your MRI; I pray the results are what you are hoping for. Enjoy your cake!! 🙂

    • Happy Birthday, Rebecca!

      As luck would have it, today is my birthday, too. Let’s hear it for having birthday presents under the tree :)! And leaving birthday cake for Santa instead of cookies!

      I, too, am thankful for my big oaf of a dog who thinks he’s a millionaire because he gets to cuddle in bed.

      Hang in there! Have some cake.

    • Happy Birthday Rebecca. Reading that I matter to you brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.
      I hope you enjoyed your Birthday cake. Love ya.

    • Dear Rebecca,
      I just read that it was your birthday yesterday and that you were having a MRI.
      Happy Birthday dear sweet Rebecca.
      YOU make my world “feel bright” every post that you write.

      Good health and happiness in the new year to you.

      Xxxxxxxx
      Peacekeeper

    • Today is my birthday just wrote in on the bottom of this list I’m still married , living in a depressed lonely state of mind , Husband has aOW that he’s seeing while we’re supposed to be separated which seems to work for him , how he wants it to work He has the OW to have fun with no obligations then I’m here at home In which he thinks I want to here all sorted details of how they spend there time together it’s like he’s telling a friend who cares which I Toally Don’t Because of financial reasons I can’t afford to move , And he knows that so he has a captive adudience . The seperation I have tried to tell him we just are two people that have are own lifes now But he seems to think he can have his cake and eat it to, Fun with OW Then with me clean home ,cook meals ,chores done that he likes to neglect So glad your all here to talk to , to vent to Thanks

  • Happy birthday Rebecca! And much love from a member of CL. I second what she just said. I don’t think I ever wanted to “kill” myself but I wanted to never wake up so tried drinking myself to death instead. But you know what, that would give fuckwit kibbles (poor fuckwit, well she was obviously mad and everything he ever said (lied) about her was true). Had I done that the only people to be truly hurt would have been my kids and my real family. It would have been a permanent solution to what is, in the end, a very temporary problem. It does get better once you get that toxic bastard out of your life. Maybe not immediately and you have to trudge through a helluva lot of crap to get there but you CAN do it and you WILL find peace and happiness again. Merry Christmas CN!

  • Christmas is especially hard, its supposed to be happy family time. But how much is that probably true. Dividing Xmas, new year and other holidays.
    Be honest, would you rather be with someone who thinks nothing of you and lies consistently.
    Their living a lie they made that choice.
    Swedish friends can fuck off they don’t have to live the crap.
    Kids will adapt we all have to adapt
    My daughter is in year 11 got excellent grade in geography teacher took photos of her work to show younger years how work is supposed to be. She got a standing ovation from physics teacher.
    You live with a cheater your teaching your kids its acceptable and that is how you treat people
    Its not about you its about the cheater
    Living with kids dad, he wanted to go out with ow on Christmas day, she called his phone 28 times in the morning, I counted, said kids have their toys, he said your not going to let me go out, are you, but I didn’t know where he was going too, did I. We split up nearly 7 years ago.
    The ow still hangs around
    Its like a Greek tragedy.
    I think she’s on this website actually
    Happy Christmas

  • This post really resonated with me today.

    Last night I had too much wine, and started crying and howling.

    I’m angry with myself, because I *have* been mighty, I’ve moved to a new place, got a lovely little house, furnished it, and have been trying so hard to gain a life.

    And last night I basically trashed it, for what? A cheating, lying *fucktard*, who doesn’t deserve my tears.

    Rebecca and Attie, thank you for your posts, they made me feel a little better.

    Maybe the crying jag was cathartic, I haven’t really cried since it happened.

    • That’s the wine crying – although letting out the tears isn’t a bad idea. You’ll do just great – you’ve already done great – it’s onwards and upwards from here! Hugs to you!

    • I haven’t truly cried either. I don’t know or understand why but I’m completely due for one good cry. I think it will refresh my focus and help me let go and accept things they way they are now. I wish you all a Merry Christmas. Xo sweet

    • Chumpnomore6, you didn’t trash anything. Wine will make you more emotional and there’s nothing wrong with mourning your losses and the life you thought you had. Tears are good. They flush all the toxic stress hormones out of our bodies. You just gave your body a nice bath and woke up with all those toxic hormones gone. 🙂

      • Chumpnomore6, I started sobbing uncontrollably this morning. Everything just hit me all at once about the magnitude of overall loss…especially the loss of my childbearing years to my cheater. My two dogs comforted me. The smallest one wrapped her body around my head as I soaked her fur with my tears. I can’t leave them, or the people who are still in my life who really do care about me. Happy Birthday Rebecca! Both you and Attie are correct that the suicide of a chump will not hurt the fuckwit as conversely, it will actually validate the false narrative of how the chump is/was “crazy”. My DDay occurred at this time of year, my engagement to cheater took place on Christmas, and December 25 was also my grandmother’s birthday. Since her death, this holiday has brought forth massive grief which has been increased due to the implosion of what I thought was a great relationship. Thanks CL and CN for being a beacon of light. Certain 24 hour blocks seem insurmountable, but it does get easier as others have stated. Really grateful that CL ran this post again for those in need.

        • StillIRise,
          I am sending you a virtual hug! Like you, I thought about the issue of suicide validating jerks’ claims that the discarded chump is ‘crazy,’ which we know is not true. Jerks be jerks. I am really glad that your dogs comforted you. Animals are amazing!

    • I cry like my soul is nbeing ripped out of me from time to time and it doesn’t even involve any alcohol. Crying is cathartic. I don’t stay there long. I let it happen whenever/ wherever it bubbles up, I cry, its done and I resume thinking,” well Im glad I got that out” I am 9 weeks out from dday. (I threw him out immediately and filed for divorce on day 18)
      The crying happens way less often and not as painful. I remind myself at the time of outburst, I am crying for myself, for my loss of my dream, my imagined security, my blown up life. Not a single tear for him.
      My therapist has encouraged me to cry but don’t get stuck there then move on.
      Avoiding alcohol has been really good for me.
      I wish you resiliency and happier days. You have already achieved so much. Making yourself a nest to heal in. Small setbacks are inevitable. Forgive youself, note that you released all that toxic poison in the form of tears and charge on! You are mighty.

    • thanks for your post chumpednomore. I’m 6 years out. You reminded me how often I cried for the first 3 or 4 years- almost everytime I did a meditation the grief and losses would come up and I’d end up sobbing (now I see it as conscious contact with a higher consoling spirit). I really don’t understand why I didn’t die from the pain. But like they say here, the pain is finite. I prayed for healing and healing in my children (not with the fuckwit of course) and our healing together. I am surprised to say that I rarely cry anymore. My children are mature. Our lives have changed. They respect me and I feel their love and they are good and successful people. The best thing is, is that I know they have loving hearts. I was not sure of that for awhile. there were many rifts that I didn’t expect, but the exhole is far more devious than I could ever have predicted. Anyway- all that to say IT GETS BETTER (sometimes miraculously so). and you WILL see your world turned around. The pain is finite. Holidays are the worst. Keep going. xxoo

  • I was there. Three years ago I took pills and drank a half of bottle of rum. My husband’s affair with my cousin broke me. If it were not for my daughter and mother who knows what would have happened that day. Killing myself over a fuckwit who thought so little of me would have only benefited him. He would have got 100% of everything. And my cousin would have moved in(after an appropriate time frame). My ex would have been pitied. Poor turd I feel so sorry for him. My death would have been thick whipped cream icing for my cousin. A house paid off with a barn for her horses. I would have done both of them a favor.
    If any of you new chumps are feeling like life would be better off without you. Please put those thoughts out of your mind. It does get better. The pain does go away. Merry Christmas CN and a happy 2020.

    • “Please put those thoughts out of your mind.“

      Yes that’s the key. You have to learn how to do this. It’s an exquisite skill to have and hone.

      Give yourself the gift of time. A lot of it. During which you are enrolled in the School of Personal Development. Start with a hot bath your headphones and Ted Talks.

      Christmas 2015 I was numb. A zombie going through minimal holiday motions. I don’t remember that much. I had filed in September and the asshat refused to move out. We didn’t speak but he did complain to our daughter that I hadn’t put a stocking out for him. And to his lawyer that I stopped doing his laundry lol

      But lo, out of the ashes was born a new me. I discovered the ted talks during Christmas when the pain was at its worst. I was able to escape the pain and my mind was gently opened. A healing miracle!

    • Thanks for sharing your story, CuzChump, though I can imagine it’s painful to recall it. I appreciate your being here for newbies in CN. Best holiday wishes to you!

  • Happy Birthday Rebecca! I hope everything is okay with your MRI. So glad you have a loving dog, and family member. I agree, it does get better.

  • This is a particularly poignant one today. My stepson did kill himself over a fuckwit. This is our 2nd Christmas without him, and it’s still impossible to fully grasp the reality of it.

    When my cheater played her mind games on me, my first response was to agree with her premise that I was as inadequate as she told me I was. But the more I thought about it the more I began to think, “wait a minute! I’m not perfect, but I didn’t cheat or manipulate. And I spent 30 years trying to support and love my wife to the best of my ability.” It wasn’t long before the desire to assert my own value as a human being overcame my desire to save the marriage, and I left.

    Within a few years I found a woman (and a family) that did value me. My new life is wonderful.

    Tragically, my stepson believed all the horrible crap his girlfriend said about him. His suicide note was filled with statements about how he wasn’t good enough. We tried so hard to remind him of his value, and thought we had succeeded, but he hid the depth of his depression from us.

    I only knew him for a few years, but he was among the kindest men you could ever hope to meet. He would have continued to bring so much to the world.

    I know his fuckwit isn’t solely responsible for his death. There had to have been more to his depression than just her. I often think that if he had understood the impact his suicide would have on his mother and siblings he wouldn’t have done it, but suicide isn’t really something you can apply logic or reason to.

    I don’t know where I’m going with this. Just needed to say it.

  • If I had a dollar for every time I thought I couldn’t live without some guy, well, I wouldn’t be rich, but I’d have a nice little bank account.

  • Worked hard to build THE life for the Princess. 2 beautiful children, dog, large house, nice vehicles, etc. She cheated. I mourned, lost weight, dyed hair, changed clothes, more gym time, hobbies, friends. Drank heavily, sat in two many bars crying the blues. Why? For a person that was a sneaky, gaslighting, blameshifting, greedy, two faced liar! I truly had her on a high pedistal. In my mind she was everything. I went back to the grey hair, clothes, hobbies, original weight. I was fine the way I was. Don’t let them devalue you.

    • Well said, Chimped! I need to remind myself that most of the guys I have lost have looked very sparkly but have rotten cores and I don’t like rotten cores.

    • If you put her up on a pedestal, she will simply look down upon you.
      My evil greedy XW used to SCREAM at me “why don’t you put me on a pedestal!?”.
      Psychopath.

  • Ex-wife’s first AP committed suicide when his wife was going to leave him. She didn’t have proof of anything but was furious enough to go anyway. AP lied and said he forced a kiss on my (then) wife.

    Fast forward to when AP’s wife walked into their home to get her packed bags, only to see that her husband is waiting to shoot himself in front of her. Yeah, that’s how fucked up that was.

    My ex-wife was the “Hot Pocket” type, in CL lingo. There was an explosion of self-pity, followed by a stony emotional wall. Others have suggested she might be a sociopath. Maybe, she is…I don’t care anymore. I could write books about her behavior, but don’t want to.

    I don’t like to admit it, but I really considered committing suicide after the last D-Day. It wasn’t purely out of hurt, but also anger as well. I had a mountain of undeniable evidence and she just was too busy to address it. Every effort to get her to talk at all about it was met with smug stonewalling. She’d say in a cocky tone of voice “why do we need to talk about it, you know everything now”.

    Looking back now, I really want to smack some sense in myself. I can’t believe I ever considered suicide for an imaginary spouse. Besides, the first AP commiting suicide didn’t change her behavior. I’d just be permanently damaging our wonderful child and throwing away my life on a pathetic waste of oxygen.

    It hurt for a while. Still stings every now and then. However, I can say I regularly have many, many more happy days now than I ever did when married! I was so high on hopium that I couldn’t see what life is like beyond the delusions.

    I recently marveled at a strange sensation. The best way I could describe it was that I felt bored. However I definitely wasn’t bored. I had plenty to do and was in a really good mood. I realized that the feeling is the hole where the drama was. It’s the part of me that was processing the last WTF event and/or anticipating the next one.

    Hang in there! Going through the hurt is so very worth no longer having to deal with the crazy!

    Best wishes and Merry Christmas to everyone!

  • You had me at I know I should leave him , but I’m in pain , Which is true , it’s been a year now , more numb then I was , But I’m also to the point That I didn’t do anything wrong , He did , He wasn’t happy with what he had , a wife and children , home , a life He wanted more , someone out of his reach, but he went after her anyway He did cause a lot of pain and suffering by his words and actions , Which as women we remember ,we don’t forget But we do move on It maybe slowly but moving on I am And no I haven’t moved out , I haven’t divorced himStill here in family home where I own half of it , have my own room , Again He was the one that fucked up not me I’m not going anywhere If anyone should leave it’s him But he has t At first that’s what he tried to get me to do , for me to leave , so he could have somewhere to move the woman into , Well it’s not going to be My House So he Cheated fell in love with someone else who’s not me , Well after breaking up our marriage , my heart , my trust. He’s found out it’s not working so well with him and the other woman , She was more of a user of men , She didn’t care for him like he did for her , now he’s trying to get hold of what he use to have here with me his grown children , Which we are all much wiser now He wants to pick up where he left off I can’t , I don’t want to go back He tries to bully me , to show he’s in charge , he’s the man of the house again He’s not any of those He’s someone that I use to know , Someone I use to love , Who Loved and care for me I think Anyway for all that he’s done to me and my family I don’t want him back , I’m not trying to fix things between us there’s nothing there to fix , I’m still here cause I had No other place to go As I read different things it said for the wife to fix things to wait around for husband , to give him space To honor him , What he didn’t honor our marriage or me Why do we have to wait for them Is this a another vow I don’t know about , Where after u have been married many years husband can look for someone new. And wife has to wait for him like a good little wife?? Well His little wife is now taking care of her self Putting her self first He broke the vows I knew about , there’s No going back Only forward He messed up , he threw us away He has his life I have mine , Which he loss the right to be apart of , when he choose another woman over me So now as Christmas is here he’s trying to fit in to be apart of the FAMILY He doesn’t understand why Were not letting him back in What he has done is not easily forgotten at least by us He has moved on from all hrs done it didn’t work out for him this time but he did it once , that I know about , He could do it again . Once is enough for me I need to be a priority , to be loved To be first , Not a after thought , or doing the pick me dance So still moving slowly , but doing things for me My life Thanks this might be off topic , but it was what I needed to say Thanks. Merry Christmas to all of u Snd to Happy NEW year to all of us

    • Lynn,
      This was my situation, being dumped and then having the cheater not move out, expect full domestic service. Then I discovered CL and went Gray Rock/ No Contact on him. He eventually moved out after 6 months. (I don’t know why, because I wasn’t talking to him, and I didn’t talk to my children about him either) But I think it was the lack of kibbles, so he eventually got bored maybe?
      Hugs and prayers for you and your family at this difficult time.

    • I’m so glad you sounded off, Lynn! You’re mighty and you’re right. And he’s once again showing you who he is by trying to bully you. I remember being told 4 years prior to my divorce that I was married to a bully. I didn’t understand, but now I do. When they don’t get their way, they bully you, they demean you, they’re condescending, and they tell you that you’re the problem. Go gray rock and file for divorce. Let the lawyers decide how to split things up because it’s time to get on with your life fuckwit/bully free. You deserve a life — and not with him. He chose differently, and I assure you, if you stay he will do it all again. He hasn’t changed who he is. You’re just realizing that he’s a fuckwit and has always been a fuckwit.

  • This is golden. It should be tapped to every chump’s mirror in the new beginning. This correction in thinking has the power to save a life.

  • The unending pain. I needed the pain to stop. Wake up with the pain and go to bed with the pain. The pain was even woven into my dreams. I could not escape it. I didn’t want to die, because I no longer had the fuckwit in my life. I wanted to die, because the pain was unbearable. The only thing that kept me alive were my kids. I told my doctor that I wouldn’t kill myself, because I didn’t want to damage and hurt my kids for the rest of their lives. And way back in my mind; I didn’t want to give the fuckwit “proof” that I was the unstable and crazy person he portrayed me to be to all his family, fans and whores.

    It’s been a little over five years since D-day. I don’t know exactly when the unbearable pain stopped. But it did stop. I did not believe anyone, including CL and CN, when they said the pain would stop one day. But everyone was right! As CL has said many times, “The pain is finite.”

    Yesterday was the first time I baked Christmas cookies in five years. I’m a baker and baking always gave me great joy. I used to bake every single week; I enjoyed watching my family delight in what I made with love for them. Fuckwits destroy everything with their words and actions. Christmas cookies reminded me of all the hours and hours I spent in the kitchen; making cookies, cakes, meals for the fuckwit, his family and coworkers. Every single Christmas I made a huge plate filled with yummy Christmas cookies and sent them off to work with the fuckwit. One year I made a meal for his Christmas party. I gave and gave, yet was told in the end that I “never took good care” of him. And in the end, everyone supported him and believed all his lies that I was the villain and he was the saint. Every memory and thing was now tainted. Even Christmas cookies.

    Well, I took my Christmas cookies back! Last year my son was disappointed that we didn’t make cookies (my kids always helped). Yesterday we made cookies and we are going to finish up today. And no fuckwits or people who feel entitled to all my hard labor will be eating them. I have to work Christmas night (I’m a nurse) and I’m going to bring a tray to MY COWORKERS and MY PATIENTS.

    Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, Chump Nation! For anyone out there who is depressed and thinking about killing yourself — don’t do it. Time passes. Get help. Call Suicide Hotline. I called three times! Go to your doctor. Go to the ER! Call a friend. Go for a walk. Eat. Drink. Binge Netflix. Do anything besides killing yourself. The pain will end one day. I promise. Big (((HUG))) to all of you out there.

  • Agreed Traci I too was badly depressed 3 years ago exactly. I found a wonderful “LADIES” prayer group we meet weekly, I’m dating again and I’m joining a yoga class in the new year. These “FUKWITS” are worth “NOTHING” you are worth everything, yes see a doctor for a psych evaluation and they can help with any depression!🙏🌹🎄🇨🇦

  • To all those chumps who might be considering suicide today: I was there too. Just a few weeks after my oldest son killed himself at 20, I found Two-Legged Rat having phone sex in our den. I was so depressed that I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital (not the first time). One week later, I discovered that the woman he was having sex with (in addition to a string of subordinates, strippers and hookers) was his first cousin, 15 years older than both of us. And I lost it. I didn’t even think of my two other sons, who were 11 and 17 at the time, I made a suicide attempt so serious that I spent three days at the ICU. It took me two and a half years to kick the narcopath out forever, and then my depression worsened and all I could think about was killing myself. My own kids hated spending time with me, because my sadness and my anger were too much for them.
    But something was still alive inside, even in the deepest loneliness. It’s been more than ten years without depression or medication. I started talking to kids who wanted to take their own lives, studying about suicide, getting diplomas in psychology. Now, helped by a wonderful team of volunteers, I run the teenage suicide prevention foundation that I created in memory of my son, I have received awards and appear frequently on TV, radio stations and the press. All this after 30 years with a monster who had me convinced that I was worthless and couldn’t live without him. And the best? My kids are back, they’ve gotten to know the real me, they love me, respect me and admire me. I was so afraid they would turn into psychopaths like their dad, but they ended up having my values. And I’m expecting them in a few hours, we’ll cook and eat a wonderful Christmas Eve Dinner, open our modest gifts and, for the third year in a row, they won’t leave early to visit their dad and his family. We’ve started a simple, fun and loving Christmas Eve tradition without TLR. My life is simple but great and, even though my kids have left home and sometimes I feel a little lonely, I enjoy my work and all the new friends I’ve made after my lifetime friends left me for TLR.
    It’s not easy, the pain is so great that death may seem the only relief, but please call a suicide hotline, relative or friend. All my love to you.

    • Chumpiest,
      I am sorry for your losses. Thank you for holding up the world in spite of them. You are incredibly mighty!

    • Chumpiest,
      Thankyou for sharing your story. It’s comforting to know there is light, life and hope in these dark days.
      You are Mighty!

  • “Fill your life with a thousand things that are NOT him — peonies, Broadway showtunes, warm cookies, Agatha Christie novels, handknit socks. These are just a few of my favorite things… that aren’t fuckwits. Make your own list.”

    THIS. This was one of the simplest yet most powerful things that got me through the dark days. And I actually made a list in my journal, which I dug up just now to remember:

    * Lemonade
    * Sweet tea
    * Sitting on the porch
    * Oreos – all the Oreos
    * Haagen Dazs White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle ice cream
    * Buffy the Vampire Slayer
    * Beach
    * Sun
    * X-Files
    * Homemake cookies
    * Disney World
    * Lavender
    * Lemon-drop martinis
    * Binge-watching whatever old TV shows I want with no fuckwit to complain and roll his eyes

    The list goes on, with more even more sugary things, but this is a time to be gentle with yourself. I began rediscovering other things I love: musicals, cooking, dance classes, museums, dinners with girlfriends. The Entitled One had always complained that we did whatever I wanted and nothing he wanted, yet somehow all of a sudden I was doing things I loved that I hadn’t done in years (projection much?).

    Still, this was all in the midst of the worst despair I’d ever felt but CL is so right when she says those feelings are transitory. Now I look back and wonder why I was mourning instead of doing a happy dance. The list of things I no longer have to put up with from a fuckwit is even sweeter than my Favorite Things list. The end of my marriage and the destruction of the life I had built? BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

    I’ve noticed in the last few days how often this thought flashes through my mind: “Thank you, God, for this life.” Please don’t kill yourself for a cheater. The broken-hearted feelings are like the flu – you’ll heal. Life is so much better on the other side.

    • Thank you for this. This reminds me to be ever thankful for this life I have been given. I’m going to add that to my prayers. “Thank you God for this life you have given me.”

      Ya know what? It’s much better than leaving my children the legacy of offing myself for a fuckwit. What a messed up way to leave my kids.

      I appreciate you reminding me.

  • Merry Christmas Eve chump family!

    I love this quote because it’s cute and also true and applicable to today’s CL post. “On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good!”

    Just keep reminding yourself of that and eventually you will feel better. I can’t tell you when but I can concur with CL that the pain is finite.

  • This post made me realize how fortunate I am that, although I felt like I was falling down a rabbit hole with no wonderland on the other side, part of me was always glad he was gone. One thing I can clearly see now is that it wasn’t the cheater that I thought I couldn’t live without, it was the life I thought I had that I was mourning, facing a life potentially alone that at times seemed insufferable. But it wasn’t him. Once you realize that, you can start accepting a life that is different from the one you thought you had. I encourage anyone feeling that deep despair to try to separate those two things-the cheater and the life you thought you had with the cheater. There is no question that you are losing an aspect of the life you were living. And the more elaborate the deception, the more convincing that life may have been. But you are still separate from that life. It’s far from an ideal situation—finding yourself in the wake of having your family blown up. But it is better than the alternative. Happy Holidays to all.

    • Mad Katie,
      Thanks for bringing up an important point that is true for so many of us. Many of us loved the illusion of our partner, not the real person. Well said!

    • That is mightyness right there! Life without the fuckwit is definitely better. But losing the life we were working towards is what has me jacked up. My kids, my future, the home in the country. The happily ever after that I was promised! (Oh, he says he never promised me anything!).

      I will begin to mentally separate those things. Remembering him for who he was is so important. I need to stop living in this fantasy world where he was my Prince Charming saving me from the dragons. There are no dragons. He just raged at the world, and I’m sick of being around ragers. Raging alcoholic. Road ranger. Etc, etc.

      • Iwantmyfairytale

        This is my kryptonite also. Perhaps it’s because I traded my present (SAHM) for a future built around a fairy tale I had since my childhood. I worked ALL my life and made financial trade-offs for a dream that Mrs. Whore is now spending with wild abandoned.

        Not only did he look my in the eyes in front of family & God to make the promise to protect me until he died, I feel we made a “contract” which Dr. A**hat now gets to walk away with no financial, emotional, or social consequences.

        Mental separation is the key–thanks for that perspective.

  • This is a good one for me. I was hospitalized twice for attempting suicide. I didn’t know I was married to a narcissist/BPD wife. She systematically turned a kind, easygoing, loyal, loving man into a total burning wreck of a human being. After almost 24 years of marriage I got concrete proof of her evil double life. Because I took classes in the mental hospital I had learned the skills to handle depression, trauma, emotions, etc. So after DDay I knew how to handle the fallout. 6-7 years ago I would have killed myself, but the anger from knowing I would have killed my self over my scum of a XW gave me the power to file for divorce 3 1/2 weeks after DDay. I started immediately rebuilding myself beginning with self-love. I eventually healed enough to Attract a great woman. I still have more healing to do, but the pain, mostly, goes away. Went to see Star Wars and my wife said the thing she enjoyed most was that I acted like a “child” in my enthusiasm she hadn’t seen before. This brought back memories of a friend of mine who killed himself when his wife left him and his son for another man. At the time I couldn’t understand why he would do such a thing until I went thru it…

    • Thanks for sharing your mighty story, Sir. I’m so glad you’re enjoying many aspects of life on the other side of pain. Best holiday wishes to you!

    • SirChumpALot,
      I am sad to hear that your friend was so bereft that he ended his life. I am glad that you made it through the storm and have a good new partner (wife) and what sounds like a satisfying and healthy life. What types of coping skills did you learn while you were in the hospital? I would love to find a good partner someday, but if I do not, then I would like to feel at least like a functioning, productive human being.

      • 1) Emotions are like a wave in the sea. Let them wash over you. Emotions won’t literally kill you. Process them and move on.
        2) Suicide destroys the survivors.
        3) If you are doing the emotional spiral, derail them. Walks, ice, etc will derail the spiral effects.
        4)They help you look at the positive things in life. 5) Find a reason to live.
        6) Hobbies
        7) Mindfulness
        8) Distraction techniques
        9) self-love
        10) self reflection
        11) get the help you need. Mental healthis the same as physical health
        12) proper nutrition
        13) don’t self medicate, like with alcohol.

        Just some. 9 weeks of classes.

  • My adulterous, abusive husband left five years ago, and my last (abusive) boyfriend (guy I thought was my friend for 30 years) left two years ago for other women. I still often feel suicidal/very depressed/embarrassed as in ‘I wish that I had not been born’ kind of way and hopeless. The pain is finite as life is finite. It would be really nice if the pain ended before one’s life ended. I have decided to just try to live with the pain as I cannot find a way to be happy and hopeful. (Partnerless, jobless, and home ownerless for years when one does not want to be make feeling happy and hopeful challenging.) The pain holds some value as it has made me even more empathetic.

    Although I think that I will feel pain for the rest of my life, I have decided to create happiness and hope for others. Going to try to stop viewing a particular guy, a particular job, a spot in a particular university as the be all, end all. Life didn’t go the way I had hoped. Now I might as well focus on creating the future and forging a new path. It might not be what I want, but it might be interesting. I am encouraging my kids to learn as much as they can (in and out of school) to have a good life and help others have good lives. (I don’t think that they generally heed my advice, but ideally, some good will come out of me giving them this advice and support.) I have committed myself to alleviating the plight of the homeless (people and animals) and the financially insecure. I might not have the most brilliant ideas on how to solve these complex problems, but I will try to come up with solutions and will try to alleviate the plight of the unfortunate through just plain hard work for the rest of my life. Ideally, someday soon I will have come up with a good enough solution to serve as an effective advocate. Pushing myself to write, too, although I don’t consider myself a writer, as writing is important as a researcher and an advocate. I am going to do what is difficult (for me) and allow me to be vulnerable, although I often fall on my face, embarrassing myself. At the very least, I can talk to the homeless and tell them I care about them, for whatever that is worth. I have heard that I might receive a house someday. If I am so fortunate, then I plan to share it with my kids if they need and want to live there as well as researchers and advocates for the underprivileged, asking for no more than what is required to cover expenses of maintaining the house. I plan, in a way, to start a housing scholarship of sorts. (If anyone else is doing this, I would love to hear from you!) I am fine sleeping on the sofa with pillow and blanket in the living room–who needs privacy when one does not have a partner? Maybe I’ll even have a cat or two curl up with me. (I am allergic to cats and dogs but love animals. I also tremendously miss the daily or even weekly touch of another human being. Really miss having a partner.) If all goes well, when I am really old, I can do volunteer work almost every day, and I will finally be organized! Looking forward to creating a happier, healthier world. Happy holidays, Chump Nation! Know that you are loved!

    • Way to go!! It’s past time to make your own happiness. As you’ve found out, depending on others for your happiness is only asking for misery. You go girl!!

      • Thanks, Amazon! I haven’t found a way to be happy on the last couple of years, but I might be able to make others happy. I think that all of us can benefit the world somehow.

  • I couldn’t live without THAT?

    Make that list and check it twice; the list is long. The best way to get perspective is to leave a cheater, go no contact, file and take care of your needs. Do THAT for yourself. Cheating is abuse.

    You’re not alone.

  • I agree with Madkatie, I didn’t miss him at all when he left because by that time he already made my skin crawl anyway. He is diagnosed bipolar and also covert narc – this last one I couldn’t get my mind around at all but there’s no denying when reading the psych report he fit the bill 100%. I was never allowed to sleep, I was routinely beaten, he spent all OUR money and tried to control every aspect of my life – except I’m too strong a character to let him do that, so more grief ensued. He almost succeeded in destroying me – and I’m a strong, optimistic character. That’s how far down he took me. Miss him? Never in a million years. I just couldn’t see through the fog on how to get myself and my kids out of that marriage. I also agree that it’s wonderful not to have to put up with any of his shit ever again. I do what I want, when I want (my kids are married) and I LOVE it. Tomorrow I’m spending Christmas here at home with my kids and their wives and my friend and I’ve loved every minute of preparing it knowing that the Twat can’t destroy our day because he’s on another continent. I also suspect there’s trouble in Schmoopieville (after stalking on FB – I’m fine with it, it makes me laugh). So commit suicide over him? Never in a million years. Life is so much better without them! Just you wait and see!

  • Re: kids, tradition, and the holiday, I will never have my kids on Christmas Eve as per our divorce agreement (which is fine bc I will always have them on Thanksgiving). Guess what? No more bitchy, controlling (ex) MIL to deal with. No more going along with sinister Minister’s Christmas demands. No more keeping up appearances.
    Tomorrow I’m picking up my girls. We will do stockings and some simple gifts, and then we are fucking going to a movie and eating fucking Chinese for dinner. I can’t wait. And THAT is our new tradition.

  • I needed this today thank you. Having a rough Christmas Day. Not suicidal, but hopeless . First one without my mother who I took off life support one year ago. Of course my X-SLUT was playing while I was doing it. I kept wondering why hell was I at my mothers bedside alone so much. She was at another bedside.
    I have a fucked up cheater friend that I have pretty much disowned. He sends me a Christmas pic of him and his intact family in Wyoming.
    The world is freakin upside down. That is for damn sure.
    I know …I know. I do have gratitude for not being used any more, I truly do. Divorced and not stalking your wife is …. well freedom. What the hell was I thinking?! I stayed three years in that nightmare.
    She sends me a merry Christmas today. Stating she doesn’t understand why am mad, she misses me, and loves me. The next sentence says how she is moving on and how hard it is !!

    Merry Mindfuckery!!!!

  • Im not here often lately because living life but I want to briefly comment on CaliChumps sadness over loss and hope of redemption for his STBXW with regard to his faith.

    My faith was a HUGE part of my journey and Im still processing it since I didnt know he was a serial adulterer until after he was dead, but God knows and understands our experience better than we do. People often make fun of the annulment process in Catholicism sometimes because the church itself has been known to apply it unfairly but in its pure sense, it is there to help discern if someone was so fuckedup, they didnt or couldnt truly enter a sacred sacrificial marriage in the first place. They may have even thought themselves capable for a while, but what I have seen is that some people are so deeply internally broken that being married in the way the deeply-committed marry is something that they never understood in the first place.

    The soul of these people is redeemable, I will be like Cali and believe that one forever and my late husband is likely working this stuff out with Him in Purgatory (long story) but we dont have to keep out heads inserted in the meatgrinder of abusive relationships with people who were never able or willing to offer what it was they claimed to be offering in the first place.

    God can work on their salvation but you dont have to sacrifice yourself for it.

  • Hopeless I am too , it’s my birthday and I should be celebrating or something But having your life as u know it taken away from u Not feeling loved or care about , has me more depressed then anything ,we are supposed to be separated living together because of financial reasons we have to live in same house, I have my own room, which I am in most of the time , I try and do the no contact I ignore him a lot But He just doesn’t get it He was the one that wanted the trial seperation he has a girlfriend which he cheated with on me there was know mention on what kind of cheating went on only that he cheated, He tells me nothing physical happened , he seems to leave out a lot of details when talking to me This OW is his Priority in his life He has a Fantasy thing going on an Escape plan sort of , when he’s with her he doesn’t have to deal with daily tasks , bills, house hold chores He doesn’t have any responsibility or obligations he’s free to do what he wants with who he wants He just thinks about himself While I’m at home taking care of all those things he’s neglecting And when he returns to the home he really things that I’m here for him IM HERE cause I have no other place to go After being with the OW he comes home great mood , wants to tell me what they did for He says there doing nothing wrong there Just Friends. Just friends don’t do the things that they do He’s a married man that’s using a seperation to date another woman , I choose to not break my wedding vows to not hurt my grown children That’s why I’m sitting alone in my room on my birthday feeling hopeless and depressed , hopefully will get though it all , tomorrow another day Thanks for letting me vent

    • Hopeless, he’s the one that broke your wedding vows. I hope you can get your own place soon. Even if you don’t file. That is abhorrent and cruel behavior from him.

  • I’m going to write a different take here. I have moments still when I want to throw to towel in. I’ll never do it, but mainly because a) it would devestate the kids and b) I’m too terrified of death. But that doesn’t mean I don’t stop feeling that way.
    Is it over a cheater? No. Its not “my life is meaningless without you”. I know perfectly well they’re disordered and I miss the emotional abuse as much as I would miss an STD. My life is more peaceful now. Its more that what they did exposed the truth that the things I believed so much in were actually just a mirage. Its not just the cheater – it was the family we built together, the belief we were a team, our visions for the future, everything we had invested in. It was all as ephemeral as salt sculptures in the rain. There’s hubris for you. And now, being in my mid-forties, none of that will be replaced. She weighed everything and decided co-parenting with a secret boyfriend on tap was worth more. And then gaslighted like crazy so that nobody knew.
    All my dreams are dead. Reality has been proven to be a lie. The things I thought were sacred are nothing of the sort.
    This would be fine if I feel I could “gain a life” after losing a cheater, however two years after the event the inverse is true. She’s gaining a life – not one I would like and one I find tawdry but she gets away with it. And if he gets to be annoying she’ll pick another up instead. Me? I’ll be lucky to find anyone willing to give me a second glance. Out of tall, dark and handsome I can only claim to be “dark” and that’s now receding and going grey. I try and work out but stay skinny. I’ve got a weak chin. I used to believe looks and especially height weren’t that important – my ex was proof until she decided to cheat on me with a guy she confessed she fell for when she “realised how tall and fit (he was)” (her words).
    I don’t feel a like a loser. People tell me I’m a great guy. A great dad. They admire the way I’ve handled and survived the divorce. But when I go out into the world, its like a mirror that tells me otherwise – who gets to thrive? She does. Who gets her “needs” met? She does. Who does everyone get charmed by? Her. Despite everything. Who gets to wave goodbye to everything he believed in and just stagnate? Me. Who gets to feel like everyday is like walking up an escalator the wrong way? Me.
    Sorry for the self-thrown pity party. I just need to vent.

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