For the love of all things holy, can we please as a society redefine what intimacy actually is?
Intimacy is buying that first house and then worrying each month how you will make the mortgage. Intimacy is passing a crying, sick baby back and forth at night when neither of you have slept well for days. It’s anxiety on the first day of school, screaming like crazy on the sidelines when the bat connects with the ball and they actually make it to first base, and it’s crying together on the ride home from unpacking them at college. It’s dreaming, planning, sacrificing together to finally take that perfect trip. It’s putting the family dog down. It’s studying 401k plans and burying parents. It’s cancer scares and family holiday traditions. And it’s sex – even when you don’t feel like it, when you have your period and are horribly bloated, when there’s ED. Intimacy is sharing EVERY aspect of those experiences and working through them – when it’s great and when it’s far from great. Intimacy is standing at your partner’s deathbed or their gravesite and having absolutely no idea how you will get through the next hour. THIS is intimacy.
You can love fucking married people. Largely, I don’t care. I’m not interested in even debating those “merits”. I’m more sure of my own values than I have ever been so, honestly, I find those conversations boring. Just don’t call that intimacy. Don’t tell me that people that do so are looking for intimacy. If anything, they are escaping it.
This comment gets to the heart of the accepted Your Inadequacies Forced Me to Betray You narrative — that cheaters are compelled to cheat because they cannot “connect” with chumps, so they seek connection elsewhere. Because chumps are (fill in the blank) frigid, distracted, too busy with children or work, etc.
As Jammy points out — NO, if you can walk away from the intimate life that binds us — YOU have the connection problem.
Escapism is inherent to the act of cheating.