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UBT on Guy Who Wants to Keep Both Sex Workers and His Girlfriend

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‘Tis the season for cake.

Here’s a new flavor, courtesy of some whackadoodle advice columnist at Slate — a guy who’s dating an “amazing” woman, but doesn’t want to give up his hooker habit.

I (35, male) started dating someone (33, female) recently that I’ve really enjoyed connecting with and have found a higher level of chemistry with than anyone else I’ve dated. It’s exciting and has given me a chance to imagine a stable future with someone, something I’ve struggled to imagine in the past. But there’s something else that’s new for me this year that complicates things: I’ve started seeing sex workers.

To be clear, I’ve attempted to pursue it in the most ethical manner possible, being careful to consider everyone’s safety and consent. The moral issue of sex buying is a serious one for me, but one that I’ve ultimately come to believe can be ethical in the right context. What ultimately drove me to go in this direction is the desire to have good sex without judgment or pressure and in a way that doesn’t involve random hookups via dating apps.

But to most of the people in my life and our society, this comes with an incredible amount of stigma. It just doesn’t seem plausible to me that she’d be accepting of this part of my recent past, let alone my or our future. Our sexual chemistry isn’t terrible, but it isn’t as strong as I’d like nor as strong as the nonsexual chemistry we have. This has left me torn and wondering how I can bridge the two desires to have a stable, fulfilling relationship with an exciting, expressive sex life. If there’s anything I’d want my new partner to understand, it’s that I believe seeing a sex worker can make me a better partner. Not unlike seeing a therapist, seeing a sex worker allows me to focus on myself for that moment and it alleviates the expectation that my girlfriend be or do things she’s simply not comfortable with or good at. Getting certain sexual needs taken care of elsewhere would allow me to better focus my attention and invest in our relationship.

Am I crazy? Is this simply me trying to have my cake and eat it too? Or do I need to drop my fear of judgment, stand up for what I believe is true, communicate all of this to my partner, and see how it plays out? My inner voice says to do the latter, but everything I know about our culture says the former is how she’ll react.

—Side Hustle

The Universal Bullshit Translator doesn’t have time to sufficiently parse the idiotic reply to this nonsense. The UBT is held together flimsily as it is. I’d have to re-bolt all its sockets after “Unless you meet via a nonmonogamous community or nonmonogamous intentions are stated upfront and essentially written into your union, relationships tend to morph over time into an open arrangement.”

You’ll have to head over to Slate and read it for yourself. Or just engulf your head in flames. Same diff.

Let’s imagine instead that Side Hustle has written to Chump Lady, and been thrown into the Universal Bullshit Translator like a rat in a chipper shredder.

I (35, male) started dating someone (33, female) recently that I’ve really enjoyed connecting with and have found a higher level of chemistry with than anyone else I’ve dated. It’s exciting and has given me a chance to imagine a stable future with someone, something I’ve struggled to imagine in the past. But there’s something else that’s new for me this year that complicates things: I’ve started seeing sex workers.

I’ve started dating someone special. But is she the kind of girl you take home to your stripper?

We have chemistry together, but it’s not the same kind of butterflies I get when I’m buying trafficked 14-year olds.

To be clear, I’ve attempted to pursue it in the most ethical manner possible, being careful to consider everyone’s safety and consent.

Which is why I’m writing to an advice columnist about whether I should tell. My understanding of consent is stuck up my ass along with my butt plug.

Hey, I attempted ethics. Don’t try this at home, kids.

The moral issue of sex buying is a serious one for me, but one that I’ve ultimately come to believe can be ethical in the right context.

If you dim the lights, put on some Al Green… it’s all about the context.

I’ve ultimately come to believe I can justify my entitlement. I take purchasing human beings, supporting organized crime, and exploitation of vulnerable people seriously. It turns me on, so seriously, it’s okay.

What ultimately drove me to go in this direction is the desire to have good sex without judgment or pressure and in a way that doesn’t involve random hookups via dating apps.

I have to buy women because the free ones judge me. You can gag the paid ones, and not hear the withering sarcasm.

I am above random hookups and dating apps. I’m saving myself for backpage ads.

(Is there a chastity ring for that?)

But to most of the people in my life and our society, this comes with an incredible amount of stigma.

Hookers face zero stigma. I, the John, am the real victim here.

It just doesn’t seem plausible to me that she’d be accepting of this part of my recent past, let alone my or our future.

The very worst thing that could happen is a Woman Might Judge Me, so best to keep her in the dark about who I really am, risk her health, and base a future on lies!

Our sexual chemistry isn’t terrible, but it isn’t as strong as I’d like nor as strong as the nonsexual chemistry we have. This has left me torn and wondering how I can bridge the two desires to have a stable, fulfilling relationship with an exciting, expressive sex life.

Fucking women who have no choice but to fuck me is the kind of stability I’ve after.

Bitches with free will? Sorry, you don’t turn me on. But let’s frame this as sex positive bullshit about expression! and excitement! Calling Esther Perel!

If there’s anything I’d want my new partner to understand, it’s that I believe seeing a sex worker can make me a better partner.

I fuck hookers for you, Babe.

#takingonefortheteam

Not unlike seeing a therapist, seeing a sex worker allows me to focus on myself for that moment and it alleviates the expectation that my girlfriend be or do things she’s simply not comfortable with or good at.

I’m sorry, the UBT has had a momentary malfunction as its transponder panel has gone up in flames. 

FOCUS ON MYSELF! (whirrp!) FOCUS ON MYSELF! (clackety-click!) FOCUS ON MYSELF! (bzzzzz!)

MY NARCISSISM BEHOOVES YOU ALL! (whirrp!)

OMG the burning smell.

Getting certain sexual needs taken care of elsewhere would allow me to better focus my attention and invest in our relationship.

Leaving my legs in Toledo would allow me to better focus on my cookie baking.

I’m sorry, the engine fire is still smoldering. 

Am I crazy? Is this simply me trying to have my cake and eat it too? Or do I need to drop my fear of judgment, stand up for what I believe is true, communicate all of this to my partner, and see how it plays out?

I am the true patriot here! GIVE ME STRANGE PUSSY OR GIVE ME DEATH!

My inner voice says to do the latter, but everything I know about our culture says the former is how she’ll react.

The CULTURE denies me my God-given entitlement! But I am called by an Inner Voice to stand for wandering dick freedom! To boldly purchase teenagers in Tennessee or Thailand! To fuck without judgement! Without criminal penalty! AND without charge! (Girlfriends are free).

Validate my misogyny, Slate!

I’m sure you will.

****

On this topic, if you have one whiff of sympathy for Johns, read this story on a sex-trafficked teenager who killed her abuser in the Washington Post. And the writings of former sex worker Rachel Moran.

 

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I’m glad I was sitting down when I read this one.

    Sweet smoking Jesus Christ on a Christmas cookie.

    The UBT and I have been rendered speechless.

    Maybe Steve Jobs over there in the afterlife
    can come up with some kind of app which reveals the inner thoughts of smartphone users. That’s what I’m starting to want for Christmas.

    • Good grief, I read it while actually lying down, and I STILL managed to fall over, defying all known laws of physics including “you can’t fall off the floor.”

      THAT’S how bad this was.

      I feel like the UBT needs a plate of Christmas cookies and a good long vacation, after this one.

    • New favorite cussing: “Sweet smoking Jesus Christ on a Christmas cookie.” I am crying I am laughing so hard. Velvet Hammer, I need you as a kindred spirit. rofl!

      • Usually it’s “sweet smoking Jesus Christ on a cracker” but I changed it for the holiday season.

        Repeat three times while simultaneously clicking your heels, snapping your fingers and blinking rapidly like hummingbird wings and we will be certified kindred spirits….

  • “I am above random hookups and dating apps. I’m saving myself for backpage ads.

    (Is there a chastity ring for that?)”

    No, but there are cock rings. I hope someone goes straight for a serious chastity cage, keeping the key and sending him on his merry way after they have drugged and robbed him.

    Okay, maybe skip the last two.

    “Happy Holidays! My gift to you is honesty. I have a hooker habit. You good with that? No? Well, then you need to ‘evolve’ or lose me to…”

    *sound of footsteps*

    “Hey! Where are you going? What did I do wrong? I was HONEST. You can’t JUDGE ME!”

    • Am I crazy?

      No, you’re DISGUSTING!

      ..and that’s how we know decency is out the window these days!
      Asses like him being way more concerned about “being JuDGeD” for being crazy, instead of worrying they are monsters!

  • To be fair, the advice columnist did say in no uncertain terms that he had no right to keep that shit from her, and that to do so would definitely be cheating, with a heavy implication of “of course she’s not going to be cool with it, you dickwad.”

    • The columnist also advised that he devote himself to the real girl for 1-5 years and THEN having the conversation about opening their relationship to hookers and other sex workers so he could have the real girl and his fun on the side as well. The real girl is 33 . . . if she devotes five years to this fuckwit before finding out he wasn’t really serious about monogamy AND he thinks she isn’t good enough in bed, she’s wasted five years of her fertility she could have been using to find a real man who really loves her and wants to create a real family with her. I’m thinking the columnist is a fuckwit as well.

  • The extreme egocentrism of equating “I don’t want to date you if this is the relationship you’re offering” with “I’m personally judging you personally” is a red flag of epic proportions.

    Agency about one’s own life isn’t judgment of anyone else’s life. Anyone who tries to tell you differently is trying to exploit you.

    If she doesn’t want to be with him if he purchases sex, he can simply consider that an incompatibility and move on to find someone who wants what he is. The fact that he wants to figure out how to possess her and also do a thing he knows she won’t like, even though it means lying to her about something very significant, is chilling.

    And for THAT, yes, you bet I judged the facts, and I concluded that he is a liar and a user and a fraud. And, about those things, I am objectively correct.

    • “The fact that he wants to figure out how to possess her and also do a thing he knows she won’t like, even though it means lying to her about something very significant, is chilling.”

      Wow – this basically sums up my entire marriage. I was never given the information/agency I needed to make informed decisions.

    • “Agency about one’s own life isn’t judgment of anyone else’s life. Anyone who tries to tell you differently is trying to exploit you.”

      The number of times I have been successfully gaslighted to believe otherwise is maddening. I come here for daily doses of sanity to counteract attempted cheater brainwashing, and quotes like these get the job done. Thanks

  • TL;DR – my favorite kind of sex is with someone who understands that she’s being paid to provide a service on demand and she shouldn’t expect me to provide charm, good company, orgasms, or cuddling afterwards – although obviously she should pretend to be as precisely as enthusiastic as I require her to be. However, I also need a wife appliance to keep my house, have my kids, and provide me with emotional support. Is this cool? Will my potential wife appliance be ok with this, or will she be too bRaInWaShEd bY sOcIeTy to accept my advanced way of thinking?

    • Right? Why don’t they pay home care companions to cook, clean, run their errands, take them to the doctor, etc. and date openly? It would make a lot more sense AND it would be WAY less skeevy and child molesty.

        • I/we don’t understand what, exactly? Maybe one or both of us mis-read each other.

          For my part, I’m saying, don’t pay prostitutes for sex. If the person wants help at home, pay people to provide legal home care services only, NOT sex, then seek out sex with separate people who are willing to have non-committed sexual encounters, and don’t entrap anyone into a sham by lying about monogamy.

  • Here’s a novel idea. Why not try finding someone he is sexually compatible with that he doesn’t have to pay for? The one flaw in that plan is no immediate gratification…..

    • He can’t do that because for someone this incapable of relating to another human being in a genuine way, the options ARE restricted to “strange”. That’s all he can get.

  • I see no problem. With his sophisticated sense of morality, of course he’ll disclose it to his girlfriend. Then she can thank him for his honesty, counter-culture attitudes and make an informed decision.

    She also deserves good sex life and proper sexual chemistry. I’ve been around the block a few times. In my experience, the guys who can’t f**k always need something extra (strange sexual practices, prostitutes, flagellation etc.) because their sexual awkwardness prevents them to enjoy mundane sex.

    He might be pleasantly surprised that his girlfriend also think their sex life isn’t something to brag about and might want to leave him and find herself more compatible partner. Or she might also want to have additional lover or two around for when stable relationship just isn’t enough.

  • After reading the first sentence about chemistry, I struggled with a few more lines and gave up. People aren’t science experiments. He’s writing like a classic narcissist, complete with word salad.

    • OMG- You just gave me an epiphany – My NX (who thinks he’s a good writer) wrote in the most bizarre way, whether it was an email or an article. Word salad is right! This is a college educated guy, he knows how to write correctly yet everything he tries to write contains a plethora of unneeded and awkward adjectives, mishmash of ideas, and run-on sentences of epic proportions. And his ideas tend to be overly inflated and grandiose – which shows you how he views himself…

      Another ‘classic’ trait of the narcissist has been identified!

  • “This has left me torn and wondering how I can bridge the two desires to have a stable, fulfilling relationship with an exciting, expressive sex life.”

    In other words, I know my girlfriend is highly unlikely to accept my “hobby”. However, I’m ENTITLED to both because that would be some delicious cake. Surely there is some way that I can get both. It would be a lot of hard work to keep it secret. It would be so much better if she just accepted it!

    Notice the complete lack of care of the woman he “really enjoyed connecting with and have found a higher level of chemistry with than anyone else”? After D-Day I asked my ex-wife why she decided to marry me. She said a bunch of sappy stuff (kind, sweet, loving, etc) but finished the list with “you would do what I wanted”. This guy is exactly the same. He doesn’t care what she wants, he just wants to figure out a way to get her to do what he wants.

    Blatant case of entitlement without empathy.

  • ^^^^This^^^^

    A man who makes love from his heart and soul, really makes love to a woman. I bet she actually can pick up on his objectification of women when in the sack. But she is overlooking it, spackle, or is an innocent, young chump who has never dealt with a narcissist.

    • Spackling can be really strong in the bedroom.
      I could tell things were off, but still everything else didnt point straight to cheating…until it did.
      It’s all a matter of time before the cards come down.

  • Look! Over on Slate! It’s a narc! It’s a cake! It’s . . . CAPTAIN COMPARTMENTALIZATION!

    Yes, it’s Captain Compartmentalization — strange visitor from another reality, who came to Earth with deficiencies and impotences far beyond those of normal men . . .

    Captain Compartmentalization, who can treat people as handy appliances, bend the truth with his mere words, and who, disguised as Side Hustle — fundamentally decent human being with a genuine concern for the feelings of others — fights a never-ending battle for deception, selfishness, and guilt-free Bukkaki.

  • Does he really fail to understand that the sex worker smiles and complies because he is paying her (or her pimp)? Does he really fail to understand that she gives him answers that make him comfortable about his choices as part of her job–that she lies about her work conditions or her motivations or dangers she faces because to tell the truth would put her in even more danger? Does he really fail to understand that her “consent” is coerced? If she wasn’t being coerced, she would do these things for free. Since she won’t, she is not fully consenting.

    Lots of doctors and teachers and social workers and chefs and plumbers would do they work they do (at least part-time) for free if they didn’t need an income. How many sex workers would still be sex workers because they love their profession?

      • My ex rationalize like a champ. Captain Compartmentalization, indeed! “None are trafficked, they like their job.” “She has a boyfriend/husband, ” to explain the men’s shoes in the apartment. No, never a pimp. “They ADORE me.” “It’s not dangerous, I pick the low-volume hookers.” 🤮 No, none are underage, sometimes I ask and they tell me they are not minors.
        Fucking idiot, that man.

  • I almost couldn’t continue reading this disgusting post from this pervert! I almost had to vomit 🤮
    He should get the worse STD so his tiny dick rots then falls off. Hope his “girlfriend “ finds out & dumps his sorry ass. ( hopefully she won’t catch anything from him). Dirtbag 😈

  • Please do share with your partner within a reasonable time. Like not 30 minutes before the wedding. Make sure there’s enough time to get the wedding deposits back. But in all seriousness, you don’t need a wife appliance To corrupt. Please free this poor, unsuspecting soul and any future children of dealing with your kinky shit. Find someone who likes your weird or yes, stay alone.

    • But that’s WHY they do it…without a precious human soul l waste (or seven), where is the fun?
      It’s never collateral damage…the damage is what they’re after, regardless of how skilled or lucky they are at making it look otherwise.

      The moral chaos is intentional.

      He’s just pulling a fast one over at Slate there.

  • To answer his question about whether he is crazy…the answer is yes.
    Somebody should volunteer to tell the gf for him.

  • Break the chains of love, side hustle.
    I did it all for the
    Rejectionofculturalnorms
    #activistjohn

    Give me strange, or give me death-CL, you’re a genius. The illustration is also on point. That facial expression!

  • Side Hustle- please read this aloud, celebrity tweet style.
    Then, go get beers with my ex, who claims 19 years of sobriety in AA.
    High-five bro! You modern man!
    Maybe there’s a friend discount.

  • I am friends with many people in the ethical non-monogamy community. This is *emphatically* not that. While everyone has the right to whatever ethical, consensual sexual expression they choose to pursue – I refuse to slut shame sex workers – sexual contact with anyone outside of the relationship crosses the line. It does so because he is the only one with knowledge and agency at this point. He should have picked someone from the poly community. This isn’t going to work and he should never even have thought of trying. His attitude is selfish and misguided.

    • “He should have picked someone from the poly community.”

      He should have but he would still have to be honest and upfront about his actions and intentions. I don’t think he has the spine for it. I think he simply likes cake and it would extra-moist and delicious if he does this while in a poly couple because it isn’t about the sex, it’s about the frisson he gets from sneaking around someone’s back. He doesn’t have a soupçon of empathy which he will need in an ethical relationship of any sort.

      Well, that’s my opinion at any rate.

    • Sunny and No Shit Cupcakes I am also friends with people in these communities and this man would be ostracized in a heartbeat for this behavior. His desire to connect with someone solely for the purposes of sex would place him more in the swinger community than the poly community, and definitely in the kink community (“expressive sex life”) but even the swinger community values honesty and transparency, and the kink community has its foundations in mutual consent and trust (No kink shaming, either). He could get his needs for “an expressive sex life” met in an ethical and moral manner, but that would require him to have ethical standards and a moral compass, which he clearly lacks. This man’s state of denial is staggering

      • I know he would be ostracized. I didn’t suggest he would be embraced; he is a lying sack of shit. Poly relationships also require honesty and he isn’t down with honesty. Interferes with his big hit of Duper’s Delight.

  • How disgusting that he compares his mediocre sex life with an eithical woman who he realized would not want a future with him if she knew the truth to the great sex life he pays for. Makes you wonder what kind of sex he’s wanting since he’s sure she would be unwilling. Gross.

    • Exactly, he has zero business even pondering a relationship he’s being offensive of, what with claiming lack of che,istry and whatnot.
      Classic Narc thinking he’s doing her a favor by fucking her. Sooooo disgusting.

      • I wonder how long my charming ex-sociopath will last in the local kink community. I feel sorry for the women he is seeing in that community as he uses them to discover his “authentic” self. I wonder how many other predators lurk there. I wonder if he will protect our children from them.

  • Would this guy be fine with his girlfriend secretly seeing male prostitutes, picking up a STD, and passing it on to him? Of course not.

    Also, what a textbook narc twist to take his illegal behavior and re-frame it as simply taboo to “culture.” 🤮

    I wish we could alert the girlfriend to run for her life 🚨

  • Cough cough gag choke choke cofff cofff arrghhh snort cough snort…

    “I have to buy women because the free ones judge me. You can gag the paid ones, and not hear the withering sarcasm.”

    Chump Lady never fails to hit the nail on the head. I’m extra busy today so when I read fuckwit’s line about ethics and moral issues, I used the ‘find’ tool to skip straight to UBT’s dissection of this diseased piece of flesh. To think that the Earth is full of this kind of crap.

  • It’s like Bernie Madoff complaining that people aren’t going to trust him with their money anymore if he tells them it was all a scam.

    Someone call the waaaambulance for this guy while I play the world’s tiniest violin.

  • AI sex dolls were made for children like him.
    He can keep it in the closet at his apartment and sexually express himself with it whenever it would please him. Keeps him off the streets sharing SDIs and screwing up women’s lives.

  • Fast forward 10 years and 2.4 children later, we see Mr. Hookerbuyer getting busted by his Chump. At that point he shall declare it is all her fault and begin his pathetic list of ILYBINLWY, call her controlling and judgmental, and tell her she is just too repressed to satisfy his oh-so-sophisticated sexual needs. God help her if she believes it.

    Chump Nation is issuing an standing invitation for the future Mrs. Hookerbuyer.

  • I read this yesterday on the Slate web page and thought OMFG, is this guy real? Well, yes, I’m sure he is. ^^This^^ is what walks among us. They aren’t really people. I think back to my male relatives when I was a kid…I grew up in a great big wonderful Italian family…REAL men who I never, ever in my life saw act inappropriately. So much despicable shit these days going on and this cluster fuck looking for validation for his rotteness. Pffttt. *Barf*

  • THIS: “it alleviates the expectation that my girlfriend be or do things she’s simply not comfortable with or good at.” What kind of freaky stuff is he into.. NOT GOOD AT??? YUCK!!

  • Buying human bodies is wrong. How far as a society have we fallen that the purchase of humans is considered a “cultural” taboo. The dehumanizing of the poor women and minor children who are trafficked (and nearly all prostitutes begin as trafficked minors) that these sick bastards do is horrifying. I can’t ask my girlfriend to be abused and degraded so I’ll just purchase a teenage girl some pimp has gotten drug addicted and beaten. I hate prostitution and the men who perpetuate it.

    • Same here. He finally told me after sufficiently fucking me over financially and the kids were “old” enough (they’ve are 8) and no longer needed me.

    • I just found out about my husband (married 1.5 yrs, together 8yrs) and almost wish I never knew…he is blaming it on me and how he has been “unhappy for a long time”. I go from being upset with him, to worried that he is “so unhappy”, to wanting to beg for him back. Maybe it is because this is all so fresh…but I am hoping I can get to that point one day where I can say…”you know what, I am glad I found out about that fucker and I am blessed he left me”…until that day comes I seem to be a walking zombie.

      – B&D

  • I read the article CL links to about Chrystul Kizer. I am FUCKING INCANDESCENT. Tracey must know better than anyone else, after all our thousands of letters, what emotional abuse, gaslighting, poverty, insecurity and hopium does to a human being, no wonder she despises prostitution and trafficking. These lawyers and Judges who don’t understand any of that – they need to be GONE. FUCK.

  • I just hate so much the unsaid attitude that “if I pay for it, the sex worker has no choice to do what I want but she’s not really ‘human’ anyway, like a proper girlfriend”.
    I would think there are far fewer women /people in sex work as a career choice than those in it through trafficking, addiction or shitty circumstances. I just don’t even begin yo understand how people who pay for sex think it’s OK or that they are being “ethical”.

  • He rates very high on the Ick factor. And he knows it. I hope to God he tells any potential girlfriends about his little hobby BEFORE they have sex. Shudder.

  • “Unless you meet via a nonmonogamous community or nonmonogamous intentions are stated upfront and essentially written into your union, relationships tend to morph over time into an open arrangement.”

    WTeverlovingF

    How about monogamy is assumed in relationships UNLESS non-monogamous relations are stated up front?

    Honesty first, Slate.

  • Where do these people come from? Misogynistic, self absorbed, entitled idiots that crawl out from under rocks looking for justification. “Look at me! I’m ethical (except for that whole cheating for 12 years)! I have integrity (except for those hundreds of lies I told you so you wouldn’t feel bad for the 12 years of cheating)! I have morals (I practice safe sex with the women I find on craigslist)! I’m empathetic (I can’t leave Schmoopie- she has abandonment issues)! I’m honest (I’m telling you about the sex workers so you can work it into our budget.)!“ Etc etc etc

    • 22 years married, cheated last half with hookers and in gay clubs. Surname means “truth” in some languages.
      “I take the name of my birth very seriously and am a fundamentally honest man. I ONLY lied about my activities in the sexual realm; I ONLY lied to one person; and they were ONLY lies of omission.”

      Oh yeah.

  • I’m late to this post but feel overwhelmingly compelled to still comment.

    If you truly want any understanding to the real WHY behind the reason someone cheats, this man’s article is great insight. You just have to wade through his own internal justifications – which are mind-boggling gymnastics at their best. (And that alone is also extremely insightful.)

    THIS is why people cheat…whether numerous, simultaneous, ongoing partners…or just one flame they keep burning for years. “I have met someone. We have chemistry. What is this strange feeling I have stirring in me? It feels so, so…threatening, so unsafe. Is this INTIMACY? Am I being exposed to potentially horrible outcomes as a result? OMG…I must go get something on the side that pulls me away from this feeling…that distracts me and prevents me from being pulled into this strange feeling any further!”

    So many times we chumps ask ourselves over and over, what is wrong with me? Why did he/she not want me? Why was I not enough? Why did they not love me? But so much of the time the problem in the relationship stems from the fact that we WERE enough, we WERE lovable, we WERE right – and in that, we were also all WRONG. Because we were threatening. We had the power to call them into intimacy…and for disordered people, intimacy is intolerable. It’s not that they don’t/can’t see us…it’s that what they really are avoiding is seeing themselves.

    This is why I say that without his cheating I would not have had a *good* marriage…it would have instead been NO marriage. He could not have ever been able to step in had he also not had an easily accessible way to step out.

  • Oh that poor woman. It’s horrible to have an insight into these disordered people’s mindset and know that their partner may or may not find out while we all know. Ugh.

  • As someone who is about to get a divorce because her husband sleeps with escorts, I would like to say to this guy…go screw yourself. There is nothing ethical about this, wtf kinda of bullshit are spitting to make yourself sleep better at night? Ethical and moral my ass…its illegal for a reason.

    AND now you have started dating someone who probably has NO idea what kinda bull shit she got herself into, do her a favor and tell her NOW and not when she is happily married and unaware that her creep of a husband is fucking whores on the side.

    Also, my husband said the same shit … “Don’t you see, I was sleeping with her to keep everything together in our life”… maybe he really believes this? Either way, its bull shit…I am stressed too and have needs that he doesn’t exactly meet so I COMMUNICATE with him, not fuck some rando for 500 an hr.

    My husband still is spitting bullshit rather than just saying “hey I am a shitty person and I am so I did this horrible thing to you because I am a selfish asshole”…narcissists are always FOS.

    – B&D

  • Just a couple of days ago my cheater STBX was caught in a lie that confirms my strong suspicion of him having had sex with a prostitute and having had an STD treated. Who knows how many times he’s done it that I know nothing about. He travels abroad for work a few times a year so it would have been really easy.

    I haven’t told him that I know he is lying about this, not yet. I can’t deal with any more mindfuckery right now and at Christmas time. This is so, so hard for me to grasp. I’m horrified at the thought of him using another human being, someone’s daughter… The thought makes me want to vomit.

  • I’m sorry, but here you go, sweetheart.

    If she finds out, she will dump you. Which is her prerogative, and the one who’s judging is you, not her. It’s her life, it’s her decision, if she doesn’t want to be with an opinionated philandering gasbag that’s her right. It is possible that, by lying to her, you are personally saving her from making an absolutely devastating mistake, one she will regret every day for the rest of her life: missing the joy of a sexless marriage to someone whose needs are far more important than hers are. It’s possible you’re rescuing her from the heartbreak of a lifetime of loneliness without you.

    Somehow I doubt it. So stop lying, and see what happens next.

  • Whew! Once again, I apologize for a late comment (we are now in 2022).
    But man…Chump Lady never fails to deliver truth. And the same is true for the other folks here.

    To this guy…hopefully your girlfriend woke up and left your ass, or you decided to be a better person.
    I have nothing against sex workers. They are human beings like me, and there are different reasons why people end up in that situation.
    With that said, I agree with what everyone had to say to this man. One person was correct in saying that sex workers don’t actually like you…they like your money.

    I know somebody who is very, shall we say…interested in escorts/prostitutes.
    Not sure if he visits them or partakes in their services, but he seems to have a rather unhealthy interest in them.
    His wife of 14 years is a lot younger than he is, very attractive, devoted to him…and she told me that she’s afraid he might be dealing with hookers.
    She can’t prove it, but there are some red flags.

    The guy I know (like many others) seems to have this delusional “Pretty Woman” fantasy of sex workers.
    I explained to him that even call girls and more “upscale” escorts are still working for money.
    They don’t want to be your girlfriend. They might pretend, but it’s an act.
    They don’t care about you. And for the man using their services, you don’t care about them either.
    This same guy likes a movie called “The Escort” which is an unrealistic rom-com about this Stanford educated prostitute who falls in love with this nerd (who spends most of the film trying to “save” her from herself).
    And of course, in the end, she decides to become a full-time teacher and quit sex work and live happily ever after with the nerd.

    I told him that while it’s a cute comedy, it’s not a real representation of life for most women who do sex work. Most women don’t have the option of quitting, because their survival depends on being a prostitute.
    Some have been trafficked or forced into it and can’t escape (as many here have said).
    Some don’t have the means to get a “normal” job. Hollywood is not real life.
    That’s what I told him. It’s not all pretty girls in high heels and expensive outfits, wanting to give you the “girlfriend experience” (barf).

    That is not the reality of most women caught up in the life. I also knew a girl years ago who ended up in that life because people abused her, and she had low self-esteem.
    She died at around 30 years old. There was no “Pretty Woman” or “happily ever after” for her.
    So that’s what I try to tell guys like that. It’s not about feminism…it’s about seeing the reality and respecting women, ALL women.
    Sex workers, wives, girlfriends, all women. And you can’t have it both ways.

    I asked the dude I know, would you want your wife to have you (her husband) AND a boyfriend on the side?
    He didn’t like that idea!

    • Replying to my own post, to add…I also told him that hookers also have lives outside of their jobs.
      Some have children (or themselves) to feed, bills/payments, etc.
      Hollywood often puts forth this image of the young, pretty white woman doing sex work to pay her way through school. Or some other plot that doesn’t show the grim reality of what it entails.
      Most sex workers are women of color, they are relatively poor, they have issues with addiction, they have been abused both as children and as adults. Not saying this is always the case but it is often what happens.

      What I would tell this guy who wrote to CL is that he’s probably not all that exciting in bed either, but his girlfriend doesn’t complain (so as not to hurt his feelings). But “men” like him only consider their own pleasure, not their partner’s.
      And like the other guy I mentioned (the married dude) they foolishly believe that the hooker likes/loves them! She likes the MONEY, my friend. Not you…the $$$. You are paying somebody to pretend to care about you. How sad is that?

      Whereas the girlfriend or wife is the real deal, because unlike the hooker, she loves you.
      She isn’t faking affection in exchange for money. He should let his girlfriend move on with her life, because he might expose her to disease, and she deserves better than him.

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