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And the Cheater Freak Winners are….

So much freakiness. So difficult to choose.

Where to begin? The pregnant chump who walked in on her husband blowing their lawyer? The guy who would sneak to the barn at night to “photograph his tractor”? (Add that euphemism to “hike the Appalachian trail.”) The apple-flinger?

I just want to give you all a collective (((HUG))). I know I say here that it’s not the pain Olympics, but if it were, even the Russian judges would be impressed.

That’s a lot of freakiness to endure. My one-pound bag of coffee has nothing on you guys.

I must, alas, declare a winner and I apologize for the delay. (I spent the day yesterday in my PJs, jet lagged and fell asleep at an embarrassingly early hour, then woke up at 2 a.m., ate some lebkuchen and went back to bed again. 2020 is the Year of the Sloth.)

The WINNERS are…

Quicksilver! for the cheater who promised he’d give up his mistress if the chump would just buy him a bicycle.

Her submission:

1. Promised he’d drop AP if I bought him a new bicycle so he’d have something else to do.
2. Gifted me an inspirational 8×10 glossy of himself going over a tiny jump on his bicycle with the inscription “Aim high and you can achieve your dreams”… autographed.
3. Claimed he was using viagra to improve his performance – on bike rides.

The glossy 8×10! The Evil Knevil delusions! The viagra!

Succinct and hysterical. I’ll be in touch Quicksilver — and I hope your cell phone designation for your ex is “Tiny Jump.”

Our next winner is AF5! for the cheater that goaded her into a pick me dance by sending her a SARONG from his Hawaiian fuckfest!

Her submission:

1. Cheater took OW on Hawaii vacation we had saved years for (also d-day).
2. Cheater mailed me a sarong from said vacation with a note that read ‘we thought this would look better on you’.
3. He hovered back a year later to complain that she cheated on him with the guy she regularly hired to clean their carpets.

Mr. CL punned: “That’s Sa-WRONG.”

Pick-me hula anyone? We can only hope that AF5 strangled him with it.

And that’s it for this year, CN.

Keep up the good work on your sanity. (((HUGS)))

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I’m guessing the cheater who sent the Sarong got off on the idea of “both his women” wearing the same skirt. Classic cheater turf-claiming narcissism.

    And Bike Boy? Anyone who needs a bribe to behave morally is inherently immoral. Plus, they’re always on the lookout for a better offer. If they don’t do right because they want to be a person who does the right thing, you can’t rely on their actions to mean anything.

    • I’d bet money on what happened with sarong cheater. The cheater and AP definitely had sex while she was wearing it.

      One of the phone backups I got from my ex-wife detailed a similar situation. Ex was asking how AP’s wife looked in “her” dress and if it helped turn him on when his wife wore it. This was a couple of days after one of their meetups. Ex and AP’s wife have never exchanged clothes.

      That duping delight at destroying the sacred is what makes me sick. Sure, I was attracted to other women when I was married. Yes, I fantasized about having sex with women other than my spouse. However, there was never a single thought of taking pleasure in secretly destroying the sacred. I’ll never understand this sick pleasure cheaters take in lies, secrets, and flaunting it all in such a bold and ridiculous manner.

      I’d be terrified of being caught and would never do anything to hint at what I’m doing. Cheaters seem to absolutely love waving it in their spouses face like a sick inside joke.

        • In our lake house in our bed where Ex kept my wedding dress hanging in plain sight so he could tearfully remember our beautiful day. Sick.

        • That’s the big one. The marital bed is the most sacred of things to defile, but it can also be the most convenient. I’m NOT making an excuse for it at all! It definitely makes me sick, but the ones that make my skin crawl is when they unnecessarily go to great lengths to just to create inside secrets. It’s like the cheating alone isn’t good enough to secretly hold over their spouse.

          When separated, my ex had her own apartment but still had a key to the house. I had to go out of town one evening. Our child was staying with family. I mentioned to ex that I’d be out of town. Before I left, I had scrubbed my bathroom spotless (mild ADD here, so I truly mean spotless). I come back and there are 4 or 5 of my ex’s long hairs on the bathroom counter. Not proof of anything, but they didn’t jump up there from an alternate dimension. The bedroom sheets smelled funny; like a fragrance I wasn’t familiar with. No other indication of anyone being there.

          I know…I could be paranoid, but I suspect ex and AP met there while I was gone. Why?! She had her place and our child was out of town. There was no need! The only purpose would be for trying to make cake taste even sweeter. It still makes me want to vomit.

          • All over our house, in our garage, in our cars, on every piece of furniture, in our bed, in our shower, used our towels. One even routinely left their baby in it’s car seat in his car while he had sex with my husband in our bed. Nothing was sacred. Nothing.

        • In my house, in my cottage, and in the house in Florida. With my clothes, jewellry, personal effects all in plain sight. They are sick f*cks.

        • Like visiting half the lawyers in town to see how much he would lose if he left me. I found out when I tried to get a lawyer, they won’t take you as a client if the other party so much as had a free consultation with someone in that entire firm. (This was while we were in Christian and non Christian marriage counseling).

      • I forget who posted this before, but it’s a great example of “inverted social reward”. Part of the summary from the research study: “Psychopathic traits were found to be positively correlated with the enjoyment of callous treatment of others and negatively associated with the enjoyment of positive social interactions. This indicates a pattern of ‘inverted’ social reward in which being cruel is enjoyable and being kind is not.”

        They’re wired basically the opposite of people with empathy. They get their endorphin kicks from being covert assholes (thereby avoiding the social ‘punishment’ that can sometimes result from being an overt asshole, aka image management).

        The only good option is to get as far removed as humanly possible.

        • That’s really interesting! I’ve heard the phrase, but didn’t know it explained some things about my ex. My ex would say, the more wrong something is, the funnier she would find it. I thought she meant dark humor, but it went deeper than that.

          I once heard her ask an acquaintance how she was doing. The acquaintance said she was sad because her dog died. My ex busted out laughing. She played it off as though it was the way it was said and how it was so unexpected, but it felt weird to me. Many other examples. Routinely laughed when our child would trip and fall.

          I admit, a trip and fall can be comical if the timing is right. However, she’d still do it when I’d be cringing and running to comfort our child.

          • She is EVIL, please document all these things. Have her evaluated and show why if need by.
            I was a new neighbor attending a block BBQ, mostly retired folks. An 11yo boy jumping on a pogo stick fell wrong and hit very hard in the groin. He cried out and doubled over in pain in front of everyone. The mother’s new boyfriend (whom I thought was a conceited jerk) loudly burst into laughter. The mother did nothing and started to giggle too mirroring her boyfriend, a grown man. The child was in pain and now being humiliated. I was stunned by this grown man’s reaction and blatant cruelty. I was the one to react and rush to the boy, the same age as my son. I loudly said to the jerk “Wow really funny – you laugh instead of help him – what a jerk!” Then the mother rushed over with fresh “concern” for her son. This was 8 years ago and it still disgusts me.

            No it is NOT ok to do that to a child or allow it to happen. Call her out and shame loudly in front of your daughter. Your daughter also needs to know this is not ok and that you are the sane parent who has her back. This is not to say that if for example a toddler takes a few steps and falls on their bum that one cannot laugh (and then offer encouragement) but I don’t feel this is the case here.

      • They definitely like talking about it while they are cheating. My XW talked about how her affair partner tipped my son a rather large amount for his job as a pin setter after a bowling match. Then a few weeks later her AP came up to me and told me how much he liked my son and what a good kid he thought he was. My son didnt go for this after he figured it all out, this all happened only about a month before she left me for the AP. My son has never spoken a word to the man since his mother left for him. He will be turning 17 in a month and will be permanently moving out of his mother home to live with me full time. He has been waiting for this day for 2 1/2 years.

        Their talking about the affair partners and the AP taking to me about it in a shitty sneaky way just shows what Narcs they really are.

        Sometimes I feel like I could write a book with all the info I have found out since D-day.

        • Precisely! Before D-Day, I’d see two of my ex-wife’s APs in social settings. Both always made a effort to come up to me, shake my hand, and treat me like they were happy to see me. I knew them, but definitely wasn’t friends with them, so it made their greeting seem really odd. Sort of like how a car salesmen acts like you’re a good friend and you’ve only just met. It was something over-the-top fake about it.

          Now I see it as a narc grown up version of a kindergartener saying “I know something you don’t know”.

      • Duper’s delight indeed. My daughter brought back a handwoven scarf from Scotland. A very unusual rustic scarf hand made. Cheater x just gushed over it and loved it because it had red in it, saying it’s his favorite color. News to me because for 28 years I’ve known blue was his favorite color. He asks if he can borrow this scarf for his trip back to the beach, he’s making another trip to work on (found out later) schmoopies condo. Cheater never brought that scarf back from the beach. DDay was a few days after he got back from the beach and I found out red is schmoopies color. Down to her red hair, the name of her website, etc, etc. and now he’s just Gaga over the color red. Asshole gave that scarf to schmoopie. The scarf my daughter bought for herself in Scotland. Seems like he’s kinda duper delight schmoopie as well because I bet he told her he found that lovely scarf and thought of her with the red. Now he gets to think of the family he fucked over when she wears the scarf.

    • Well, hey SuperDuperChump. I didn’t have girlie ice-skates but, instead, I wore my brother’s black & white hockey skate hand-me-downs. Boys skates. Not the beautiful figure skating white skates my sister had.

      I’ve been injured ever since!

      I should have demanded new (man’s) skates when all was said and done.

  • This is maybe mild, but it’s weird: he lied about going to a co-worker’s wedding, while I was out of town.
    I knew about the wedding,but had no idea he’d been invited and he claims it was impromptu, both his attendance to the ceremony, then later to the recpetion at night.

    While one may guess, I’ll never know exactly why he went and why he didn’t tell me, as his explanations made no sense.

  • The Bicycle Rider for the win! I read somewhere that some narcissism is caused by an early aged trauma and that the narc remains emotionally stuck at that stage of development.

    So a 5 Year Old with a new bike – look at me Mommy!!!!

    Don’t get me wrong – I think many have a genetic link as well. But Holy Christmas – this guys a giant tool ( not a sharp one either )!!!

    • With earnest seriousness, both Cheater and his mother explained to me that him getting cut from the basketball team when he was in HS was a trauma he never recovered from. When I was that age, I was navigating the choppy waters of an alcoholic parent…boo fucking hoo.

      I did not know of OW when he gave me the “Im leaving you because you are a terrible wife” speech and my pick-me dancing was immediate. Among my dance moves was purchasing him a guitar (he said I “never let him” buy / learn guitar…I don’t recall a guitar moratorium) and he said I forced him to drink coffees without flavors (which is mostly true, I hate flavored coffee although I never forbade it) so I bought a second coffee maker thus allowing him all the hazelnut, jamoca, pumpkin, vanilla, salted carmel coffees of his dreams.

      He never did play the guitar but son #2 did. Funny…once he said to me “mom listen to this song I wrote” and I responded “you play the guitar?”

      • Cheater ex had 10 guitars, one for every bar of any song he attempted. Played the first 10 bars, catawauled (sp?) his way through those same 10 bars thinking he was the next John Denver, then got stuck. Couldn’t remember any more. So in anyone would like a CD of the first 10 bars of “Country Roads” let me know!

        • Here’s a narc guitar story for ya: when in high school the X played guitar in a shitty high school garage band. Never recorded anything. Rarely played a gig…. fast forward 30 years. Ex asshole had not played or picked up any of his guitars (he HAD to have them, in case, you know, he started “playing out” again). He has a Les Paul Guitar that he had not touched in the 30 years we were married. Suddenly, once he decides our marriage should revolve around his sad sausage, he makes an account on social media with the name “Les Paul Asshat” so everyone would think he was really cool….(not really Asshat of course… he used his real name”.

      • What is it with these guys and musical instruments? With mine, it was the piano. Early in our marriage, I bought him a used baby grand. He would “serenade me” as I was clearing up after dinner, bathing the boys and getting them ready for bed. Oh, I soooo appreciated THAT. For most of our marriage, the only action that piano saw was me dusting it. And, strange that neither son ever developed any interest in the piano, seeing that their father was such a virtuoso. Fast forward 25 years and he NEEDS a keyboard, so that he can play with headphones on (so as not to disturb anyone). By this time, the boys have moved out and this keyboard is two floors beneath my bedroom. This is 2012 and I now know that the affair had begun. My son says “you’re husband treats you like **it, and you buy him gifts!”

  • My ex had sent OM (after separation) £50. Entry on bank statement was 5* orgasm. I questioned it on disclosure to be answered “remember when we had a laugh”.

  • can I vent? A little off topic but my cheater ex won’t move out until the divorce is final so I’ve been living in the same house with him for three months. We have an infant so I’m not in a rush go time share. He stole my keys! Two car key fobs, house key, mail key, office key. I had to pay $300 to have a new car key made. I know better than to accuse him as it will be twisted into me being “crazy”. I’m hoping they suddenly reappear so he can do his whole “gee you must have not looked here”

    • Mine used to do that – so I couldn’t go to work. Then when I hid them he stole my handbag. Then when I hid that he locked me out. Then when I managed to get in he locked me out of the room where I kept my clothes. Then …… See where this is going. Good luck honey! They’re sick fucks!

      • Ugh! He conveniently purchased himself a digital safe a few days before this. Total coincidence right? I also have the air in my tires consistently needing to be filled..another coincidence I’m sure! It is maddening. The really sick part is he’s super friendly after his evil deeds “want me to go have a house key made for you”. I’m onto him.

        • Make sure you’re documenting all this and telling your lawyer. I’m so sorry he’s doing this to you. As Attie say, they’re sick fucks.

          • Thanks- I did tell my lawyer..all I can do is install some cameras bc otherwise I have no proof of anything

            • HeWontLeave
              I bought a couple of “nanny cams” at a big box store for about 30 bucks a piece – I use them to spy on my dog while I’m gone, but they work on shitty cheaters too!
              Be safe!

    • @HeWontLeave— this sounds like Possible grounds for an order of Protection: lowering the air pressure can cause an accident. Any way to get a video camera trained on your car secretly (maybe hide it in a nearby bush)? Catch him doing it.

      This level of hostility makes me fear for your safety and that of your child. Sending love and strength.

    • Stop at your nearest sewing store and buy a $2.99 seam ripper. When he is out, carefully remove every third stitch in the center crotch seam of every pair of pants he owns. It’s easy, it won’t show, it’s fast, and sooner or later he’ll bend over and his ass will pop out. And that’s justice, because he’s been wagging his ass all over town, right? Also you can buy a funnel in the cooking department. Pee in a bowl, pour out part of his favorite liquor, shampoo, and juice, and funnel in your urine. that’s justice isn’t it? He pissed all over you didn’t he? Make him sorry he stuck around. Admit to nothing – JUST DO IT.

      • Did something similar with the seams of my ex’s clothes that the OW picked out for him when we were still married. If there is a chain stitch (like what is used on pet food bags), you can use the seam ripper to undo the stitch, then pull the thread (carefully). It will still look stitched from the outside, but as soon as some pressure is applied, say the inseam of some ungodly tight skinny jeans that a 40 year old man should not be wearing, that seam will split beautifully!

        On the keys, you may need to have extra sets made and leave with friends or family. One thing I have done with my spare house key is I have it buried in a small container somewhere in my yard. I have several “decoys” also buried in other places. I rotate the location of the actual key. I “accidentally” leave my flower trowel out just in case I have to dig a key up. My ex is too lazy to look for it, and if he is up for the challenge….he has about 10-15 chances to get the correct key.

        Definitely look into the cameras. Video evidence of him screwing with you is worth it for your sanity, and will be invaluable in the divorce.

      • I cleaned toe toilet with his toothbrush. Aldo in the day I left I rubbed poison ivy on the toilet seat – hw was highly allergic 🤐

      • I know a woman who carefully removed all the dry cleaning bags to her jerk’s dress shirts, snipped off all the buttons and then replaced the bags. Too funny ! Vindictive but amusing…

  • The bicycle story is pure gold. Reminds me of all the stupid things my x did and how really honestly blessed I feel to be free. This is a really nice emotional shift after almost 3yrs since DDay and hours of therapy, meditation, girlfriend talk and reading this blog. It feels solid. Happy new year! Hugs to everyone especially newly betrayed. Go towards the light.

  • The pun of that is simply perfect. Kinda puts his whore in a nice little descriptive box, doesn’t it- the “bike he was doing” till that point needed to be replaced with a new one.

  • Just had another thought. So that’s two thoughts today then. If you still have his “inspirational” photo in the frame, why don’t you replace it with the cartoon I think CL is going to do for you! I still had my wedding photo up years after he left and my son asked me why. Probably because it just didn’t register. So I stuck a photo of Donald Duck of my ex’s face. It tickled me for a while until I took it down and shoved it in a cupboard!

    • I adore Adam Ant (total child of the 80’s here) and I replaced my wasbund’s face with cut outs of Adam’s! Much better.

  • Today I turn 60. Cheater free 2 1/2 years.

    The previous study statement correlation about early age trauma and emotional underdevelopment… spot On.!!!

    My x concubine is (was) apparently stuck being 12 years old. I don’t foresee any future maturity coming anytime soon. That’s Karma disguised as a VW beetle.

    Her biological son, his family and my granddaughter are taking me out for lunch today to my favorite Chinese buffet. Then we’re going shopping for guitar straps for me and granddaughter.

    This year I’m going to meme 20-20 as my year of improved vision.

  • OMG I remember the tiny bicycle jumper. I love that! But the cheater who lost his whore to the “carpet cleaner” is almost as good. Thank you thank you thank you for the amusement. Who will script the movie. Maybe intertwining vignettes about Quicksilver and AF5 and it could have the twist that the tiny jumper is also the carpet cleaner. I don’t know. So many possibilities. : )

  • Reading this brought back a memory: Cheater and I met and married in the late 80s, when Glamour Shots was exploding in popularity. His birthday gift to me one of the early years we were together was that HE went to Glamour Shots, got all dolled up with so much makeup and a silky floral-print shirt, and gifted me with an 8×10 of his made-up face looking all dreamy and I suppose he thought sexy. He had autographed it as well.

    He was so enamored with Glamour Shots that he then insisted we do a photo session there together for HIS birthday. Those of you of a certain age can imagine those photos: the poofed up hair, the tons of makeup, the soft-filter lens, the ruffles and boas. Anyway, I had completely forgotten about all of that until a few years ago when a friend messaged me that I was on Ellen DeGeneres’s Instagram page.

    Ex cheater — keep in mind that we had been divorced a few years at this point — had apparently kept one of the GS photos where it appeared the two of us were naked (We weren’t, of course. He was shirtless and I had on a tubetop but photo was higher than that.) except for a pair of elbow-length blue gloves I was wearing, with one of my hands on his shoulder and the two of us cuddled together. This photo got published on Ellen DeGeneres’s Instagram page, where it received more than 90,000 views and tens of thousands of mean, mean comments, most suggesting what I was likely doing with my other blue-gloved hand that didn’t show in the photo.

    I was stunned, first of all because I had completely forgotten that embarrassing photo, second of all that cheater had kept it, and third of all that he had sent it to EDeG’s website without my permission, although thank God my name was in no way attached to it. Cheater himself popped up in the comments to exclaim how delighted he was that everyone “loved the photo” and that “his ex wife thought it was absolutely hilarious!” He’s so narcissistic, I guess, that he couldn’t see that we were being made fun of by tens of thousands of strangers. He just loved the attention.

    That whole episode was weird.

    • That is BONKERS. All of these photo-related stories reminded me that, when we first started dating, XN (age 32 at the time) gave me a wallet size of his senior portrait. From high school. And he wrote on the back of it like he would have if we were actually in high school. At the time I thought it pointed to a goofy sense of humor. Two official NPD diagnoses later, I get that it was a huge red flag.

    • I actually Googled and found the photo on several boards on Pinterest. If any of you care to pursue further, you can find it on a Pinterest board called “77 Best Glamour Shots LOL… ”

      You know what, fuck it. I was young and really pretty back then, even with all the makeup and the poofed up hair. I wish I hadn’t thrown away my youth and part of my middle-age on that sorry cheating sociopath. I have to admit the photo IS really weird, though. It was definitely not my idea to do that pose. I’d completely forgotten about the whole thing until my friend spotted it on Ellen’s website. It’s creepy that cheater hung onto it long after our divorce.

      • OMG….it is the third one. Funny just because I am that age and remember the glamour shots and several people I knew did them including my XW.

      • Thank you for the laugh! You look great but it is so weird that your husband insisted on being in the photo too. My friends that did those shots back in the day did them for the boyfriend or husband, and I’m pretty sure the guys would not have wanted to be in the photo.

        More puzzling are the shots that appear to be mother/daughter.

  • The if-you-buy-me-a-bicycle-then-I-will-end-the-affair bargain reminds me of a deal my ex tried to make with me. He told me that he would give me the password to his match.com account if I promised that I would never, ever divorce him. That’s a real head scratcher. Where do these people come from? Anyway, divorced over two years now and so thankful!

    • Mine gave me his bank account access but i had to promise i wouldnt look at any info, statements, etc!!! LMFAO bitch then why did I ask?? They are so stupid…

  • Oh I am so freaking honored! I never entered before, even though he’s given me plenty of fodder. Well thankfully he’s in my rear view mirror and I am living an awesome life now. I did change him to “tiny jump” in my phone, so I can have a laugh whenever I see it (still parenting).

  • I hate to say this but for the “losers”
    Whose motto is cheaper to keep her….simply the worst ..I’m leaving ciao is bad …but the scum that work there way back in and get chump (after filing for divorce) to retrieve the docs after they’re sitting in court Year ..takes him back and he continues to cheat …I mean wtf kind of scum can u be …again I really feel the “ covert “ manipulators worse (btw infidelity in court papers ) 😳..I digress …point is most of the losers will stay because it’s all
    About $$$$…just curious how many chumps let the scums back after filing them the scumbags kept on cheating

  • This ^^ was all worth the reading and laughing out loud. Truly these ppl are FREAKS, we are all Winners in my book when we expose their idiocy and send them packing. A new BIKE really !!!!! And the carpet cleaner hahahah.
    Be careful what you ask for cheaters …… boom!

  • Yea! I’m so excited! 🙂 The sarong really sent me over the edge…it’s what triggered no contact which finally allowed me to get perspective and move on from an unhealthy narc. One of the ‘reasons’ he gave for cheating with her was that she had an ‘athletic’ body type, was a runner and made stir fry. (Truly, you can’t make this up). Where I am hourglass curvy and subpar at stirfry…I imagine she put on sarong and was told she was subpar at filling it out, lol. So they mailed it to me. Honestly…

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