4 months out from D-Day. Wife of two years confesses she had multiple affairs and abandons me for AP#3 to go off and work in Spain. She was awful at the very end. Tons of cheating, tons of lies, stole from me, and showed zero remorse. Have not heard from her since. Filed alone.
The divorce is over, and she is gone. I have told my family what happened and my close friends about the affairs. But I have chosen to be the bigger person (or maybe just a chump eating a shit sandwich) and not told her friends back home or her family about why our marriage ended. God knows what she told them and who cares.
I was close with the family. I do not talk with them since the divorce. But recently her aunts have been emailing me. Wished me merry Xmas, told me how sad they were for me, etc. I handled it classy and told them thank you and merry Xmas. And they keep insisting I come visit them some time, they want to stay in touch with me.
Is it okay for me to simply say “Thank you but I don’t think it’s appropriate. Our marriage did not end on good terms. And the divorce was a result of her affairs. I appreciate the invite, but I am trying to move on and put it behind me”?
I believe it is not my duty to hide this secret. And I do want them to know why I don’t want to stay in contact. But I could easily just keep my mouth shut. (If I don’t say the truth, part of me feels like this is slinking away in shame.)
I hope I am not afraid to be honest because I still have some hopium about wanting her to come back. Do you think owning the truth in a classy and emotion-less manner will help me feel stronger about moving on and keeping no contact?
Thanks as Always,
You actually have a pretty uncommon chump problem — in-law family that cares. How sad for everyone. Just goes to show all the collateral damage cheaters cause. Other hearts invested in you and family ties get severed because of a singular fuckwit.
Generally the letters I get center on the in-laws who turn on the chump after 20+ years, or the silence, or the defensiveness and blameshifting. Sounds like you have a couple of classy aunts.
Or they could be curious aunts who want to know why you broke up. Fuckwits are often less than forthcoming.
I think your suggested reply is fine. “Thank you but I don’t think it’s appropriate. Our marriage did not end on good terms. And the divorce was a result of her affairs. I appreciate the invite, but I am trying to move on and put it behind me.” It’s to the point and doesn’t leave them guessing.
Thing is, you don’t owe anyone an explanation if you don’t want to give one. Neither are you obliged to be your ex’s PR agency, burnishing her image. The problem with silence is that nature abhors a vacuum and your ex will fill in with her own narrative, (I’m sure she already has), and there will be nothing to counter it. Of course, if you never want to see these people again and they live on the other side of an ocean, it hardly matters.
We don’t control the stories our ex’s tell about us, or their infidelities, or the resulting divorces. We just control how we navigate forward. You seem clear that you don’t want to maintain a relationship and I think the kindest thing is to tell them why. Especially as they’ve extended themselves with invitations.
I hope I am not afraid to be honest because I still have some hopium about wanting her to come back.
Dude, if you have hopium, you need to smother it with a pillow NOW. Multiple affairs and she stole money from you? I don’t care if her aunts are the Best Aunts in the entire world and have jars full of molasses cookies and live on yachts, you do NOT need this woman in your life!
Yes, goodbyes are hard. Life with fuckwits is harder.
Do the right thing. Accept the end of the relationship. With her and her family.