I wish there were a few more posts about how to go about dating again.
My recent experience was with a man I met online, who in spite of the distance between us, was very keen to attempt a relationship. He is legally divorced (3 years now) and was not a cheater (I got a background check done through reliable sources).
After the first couple of emails, he would email only once a week, is available to talk only weekends. Will text if only I texted. He is not creepy, is not asking for money, is not crossing any boundaries. I didn’t make a move for an entire week and he calls me up on the weekend, very excited to talk! Tells me all about the fun events in his life, asks me about mine. He is always polite, engaging, and has a good sense of humour. He is employed and works normal hours.
It’s been almost a month and half and I am puling my hair out because I cannot get him to talk about how he wants to move forward in a relationship. I am done reading about “when he doesn’t text/call.”
I feel like the “available” girl and I am angry with myself for getting to this point. I doubt my guts so much. I am second guessing myself all the time.
Should I stay away from dating for now?
Maybe. But perhaps you should just stay away from fuckwits.
Oh, same difference, Tracy! They’re all fuckwits!
No they’re not. Good people exist, you just need better filters. AND if you’re feeling “too available” then you are. Pay attention.
Let’s talk about availability.
To have a relationship, both people have to be available. Sounds simple enough, right? But so many people fuck up this basic step! Are they married? Not available! Are they on the fence but first have to work through some deep, personal issues like their commitment to greater peanut allergy awareness? Not available! Do they act super into you and then ghost you? Not available!
Do you want them to be available, when they’re acting all Not Available, and are you making excuses and creating “interest” from the smallest indications that they find you mildly tolerable? Guess what? YOU are not available!
That means your picker is still on the fritz. You’re self medicating with other people. You want the validation of ANYBODY. This isn’t the proper mindset to put yourself through the dating meat grinder. The proper mindset is: “I’m fine by myself. Really FINE. However, I’m open to being persuaded that a relationship with you could be a good thing. Demonstrate your worthiness.”
For someone to demonstrate their worthiness, you must have boundaries, right? Because you’re not going to tolerate just any old crap to have someone in your life, right?
Your online fellow sounds like a Mixed Signal person. And hey, it’s been SIX WEEKS. That’s hardly enough time to get to know anyone, especially at a distance. So for God’s sake, don’t expect to have the Defining the Relationship Talk with a guy you’ve only texted and emailed for a few weeks! You don’t HAVE a relationship. You have a pen pal.
You were hoping it would be more? See picker, boundaries, and “demonstrate your worthiness” points above. Don’t be so invested so soon. It’s nice to hope. But fill your life up so this doesn’t loom so large.
Now, on those mixed signals. Here’s some red flags — you met this guy long distance online. On a dating site? You don’t say, but look, there are a lot of weirdos who just like online dating for kibbles. They like the validation of your interest, but don’t want an actual relationship. I don’t know what you mean by “was very keen to attempt a relationship.” Because men who are very keen to attempt relationships actually ATTEMPT RELATIONSHIPS.
Shocker. I know.
Mixed signals are just one signal — mindfuckery. Good people’s words align with their deeds. “I am not interested.” Words and actions say “not interested.” Interested? Good people ACT interested. The relationship builds organically. No love bombing. No drama. Just slow and steady, but the point is — it builds. One interaction leads to the next to the next. Can I see you again? When can I see you again? Hey, this puppy meme made me think of you…
Actual Available People do not require decoder rings. They act available. If you call them and they were busy, they call you back. If they can’t make the date Saturday, they offer Thursday instead. If you do something nice for them, they’re keen to do something nice back to you.
All this makes a person feel very safe and secure, over time. If you’re demanding explanations or desire more passionate professions of love after 6 weeks — whoa. Maybe you’re used to freaks and their hot/cold love bombing. Healthy doesn’t work that way.
And if after 6 weeks you suspect you’re in something unhealthy, or just plain unsatisfying? DUMP! Yes you can dump people! You can call the tune on this dating thing!
Chumps will work with anything to turn “potential” into love. (Cue “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me”…) But refer to my first point — a relationship requires TWO available people. Not one holding the whole mess up. TWO invested people. You can’t spin unavailable or maybe available into available gold. That’s the pick me dance. And we all know how that ends.
Rose, pick YOU. You’re enough. When that really seeps in, then you’re ready to date. Or stay home with friends and Netflix. That’s good too.
This one ran before.