Happy New Year 2020!
Did anyone else fall asleep before the new year like I did? (It’s a holiday tradition around here.)
Speaking of traditions, every Jan. 1, I run this column about those dreaded words “get over it.”
Some days the struggle feels overwhelming, like life is only struggle, and persistence isn’t rewarded. I think tenacity is rewarded, however, if you stop directing your energy to fuckwits. You’ve got so much more potential than they do.
I owe you winners to Cheater Freak Xmas, and I’m on it. However I need some coffee and breakfast first — so we’re starting the New Year with a twofer.
Have a beautiful new year, CN. — Tracy
Get over it.
The three words chumps hate to hear. “Get over it” says your remorseless cheater after a half-assed attempt at reconciliation. “Get over it” says the friend who cannot conceive of your pain, and wishes you would just go back to your pleasant, ignorant self again. “Get over it” says your boss, because the drama is effecting your productivity.
“Get over it” feels like insult to injury. A flippant response to betrayal, the worst sort of minimizing. So sorry I’m not healing at your convenience, asshole. Chumps at once see the hidden agenda. The cheater who’s not truly sorry. The friend who feels threatened by your vulnerability. The boss who doesn’t really care, just get back to your widgets. So, quite rightly, chumps dismiss “get over it.”
Fuck you, I’ll “get over it” when I’m good and ready. Perhaps not ever. I may go down with this ship if I fucking feel like it. Don’t you tell ME to “get over it”!
So, from one chump to another — let me tell you — get over it.
The pain is finite. Don’t choose it. Don’t keep reliving it. Infidelity does NOT define you. It’s no measure of your soul, of your worthiness and lovability.
What keeps you in pain? Staying focused on your cheater. Their judgments of you, what makes them tick, who they’re with now, what they’re doing — and when the hell is the karma bus coming? Where is the karma timetable? I’ve been standing at this stop for YEARS waiting for that bus. I demand a schedule! Only after that bus arrives will I be able to leave this stop and get on with my life properly! Damn bus.
Note the word stop. That’s what happens when you wait for karma. Your life stops. You live a limbo of anticipation. Your focus is on the bus.
Stand on a different street corner and grab a different bus. One that’s headed in the direction of your new cheater-free life. Focus on yourself.
Hell YES your job is to get over it. To reclaim your selfhood. Of course, it’s a battle at times, but every liberation campaign is.
Getting over it is not eating a shit sandwich. You’re not denying that this happened to you and it was abusive. You don’t have to hold on to that righteous anger to know that it was real. It WAS real. It DID happen. That person SUCKS. Getting over it means they didn’t break you.
You’re not going to get over it staying married to an remorseless cheater. You get over it when you start to protect yourself, when you stand up and say “no more.” When you draw those boundaries and enforce those boundaries. When you grieve. When you stop spackling and see this person for who they really are. When you let go of what you thought your life was going to be/should’ve been, and become open to the possibility of a new life.
Reconciliation is fine if you just want to survive. To limp along. To endure. I’m not convinced anyone every really gets over it when they stay married to a cheater. Seems like an endless buffet of shit sandwiches if you ask me.
At Chump Lady, I hold out a better vision for you. You’re not just going to survive this — you’re going to THRIVE. This is the painful birth to better days. This is where you discover exactly how kick ass you are. You find that job, you parent your way, you finish that degree, you fall in love again, you make new friends who get you, you get reacquainted with your creativity, you own your successes. All that energy poured into a narcissist — it’s yours now. You gift it to yourself and those deserving of you.
So, of course you’re going to get over it. What is the alternative? What are you going to miss? The betrayal? Being treated like a concession prize? The disrespect? The pick me dance? The humiliation? Oh, I’m going to hold those things close. Gee, I really want all that shit in my life. NO, of course you don’t!
Make 2020 your own. Get over it. Happy New Year, CN.
Brilliant, thanks for writing this. So accurately describes my life. Happy New Year. Thanks for being here and writing this, it really puts things into perspective.
My ex wife texted me last night. Our divorce, which I never wanted, became final on December 26th. She left for a guy she met online November 2, 2018.
I pick me danced for months. She went back and forth, saying she wanted a divorce and then she didn’t know what she wanted, but she continued living with her schmoopie, 70 miles away. Rarely seen her twin boys.
I finally filed in June, at her insistence. I told her we could withdraw it if she changed her mind. Last night, I got a text from her saying “Hi. Happy new year. How’s it feel to start the new year free from your marriage? How are the boys? What did you guys do over the break? I miss you all. Best wishes for a fantastic 2020.”
I gotta say, it hurt. She still seems so tone deaf and callous. She knew I didn’t want to divorce and last year was very difficult for me and the boys.
I made it through Christmas, but I couldn’t make it through New Year’s Eve without a cry. (Six months since filing—two affairs, a one-night stand, and new gf—and there’s no end in sight.) This is what I needed to get my bearings. Thank you, and Happy New Year!
I’m a book and dog lover too. There will be many first that take your breath away in good and bad ways. But you will soon discover there are more good than bad days. Keep moving forward, I believe in you! And so does CN! Xo sweet
Happy New Year Chump Lady and Chump Nation!
A long time reader and first time poster here. I left two days before Christmas 2018 and spent a year healing and recovering, and going in circles in my absolute grief but I did not break no contact even once. That’s my 2019 accomplishment.
Here’s for 2020 and may we all flourish and thrive this year far away from all disorder.
That’s some serious mighty! You could give a NC master class. 🙂
Thank you for the no contact inspiration – love it!
Book and Dog Lover-I love your name!
I just wanted to let you know it DOES get EASIER and BETTER!
Last year on New Year’s day I had been on my own for 3 months, living in my own house, parallel parenting with my STBX Dickless Buttmunch, and dating an amazing man that I have known since 6th grade.
I didn’t expect to cry on New Year’s Day because I didn’t cry on New Year’s Eve.
But-watching the Rose Parade that morning made me so so sad. It was during the parade in 2004 that my daughter was conceived (sorry if this is TMI). I had given birth to our donor egg InVitro twins in 2002 (2 boys) so having my daughter was special in another way.
I felt so down and sad. I didn’t have my kids that day. I cried and cried.
Fast Forward to NYD 2020-I’m still with my amazing boyfriend, don’t have my kids until tonight-but I’m no longer crying! I am so happy!
It just takes time.
CL is right-waiting for that Karma Bus to come makes it take longer.
I always say:
“God is my Co-Pilot, and Karma is my debt collector.
Create your own Karma-and the rest will fall in place.
❤️
Good Morning!
Yep fell asleep at 11 pm , awake at 5 am. What a Great first day to a brand new year! A new year to celebrate each day being free from a serial cheater and the abuse that goes with it. !
Thank you for being there for us to help us machete our way out of a think tangle of thorny briars and into the clearings of resolve ! Thank you for making sense of things and helping us go forward! Wishing you the Best in everything this New year !
Love your turn of phrase Movnforward. CL does indeed help us machete our way out of a think tangle!
I wish Chump Lady did not have to exist. But since assholes do exist, since the first ray of light appeared in the Universe, well, long live Chump Lady!
Much peace and contentment and mightiness to all chumps in 2020!
Just read a cool piece of news about psychology that might be helpful; may we chumps all be placed on the Light Triad Scale. Check it out, very useful for fixing our pickers and life in general.
scottbarrykaufman.com/lighttriadscale/
Thank you for posting that! I did the test – it was very interesting to see where I placed! So reading up on this, it says we all have a light and dark triad. I think the difference for those who score high on the Light Triad is that we push down the Dark Triad due to our high standards of morality and care for others. As explained to me by my therapist, Narcissists know they are what they are – this tells me that they choose to embrace the Dark Triad. Explains STBX completely.
This is very interesting, thank you. I took the test, and I placed on the light side. It made me feel a little sadness though, for the super idealist I began my adult life as. She changed, to accommodate the covert users I’ve been around. I don’t want to be fooled, so of course that makes you somewhat cynical. C’est la vie. I’m glad I’ve evolved, to see the truth of how SOME people are, but I do still believe most have compassion and love. I’m holding onto that!
We should never teach our children all people are good ~ some people are evil and there are many ways to be evil. We should teach our children some people have good heart and some people pretend to have good hearts. Walk away from the pretenders. It will never get better.
Hmmm I took the test too. 29.17% tilt towards the light triad. However, upon further reading I definitely identified myself as someone who undergoes “reaction formation” which is not healthy. More work on feeling worthy and setting boundaries is needed 🙂
Perfect post for today! Thank you CL…. You’ve been a savior these last 4 months. Whenever I get melancholy or doubtful I come right here for a dose of mighty. New Year = a new life without the Asshat! Happy New Year Chump Nation! May 2020 bring you Health, happiness, healing and all that you deserve ❤️
Thank you thank you thank you. This is a marvelous new decade meant to be better and happier and be filled with better things. Happiness. Fulfillment. Self love and self growth. I love the smile that comes to my face when I can start a new day and it’s all mine. Yep. Getting over it is great. Of course I still wish evil thoughts on the cheater and his “ she’s just a friend” But it doesn’t control me or define me and last year was shitty but it also showed me just how strong I am. Happy new year all
I go to bed at 9pm. Even on New Year’s. I am a New Year’s Day early riser. I did wake up at 12:06…probably noise from revelers outside.
One of my daily habits, especially important after being chumped, is the Good News Network. I need to remember that there is all kinds of good going on.
http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org
It’s New Year’s Day but it’s also just the day after yesterday. Every single moment can be New Year’s Day.
We can’t control what happens to us but we can control how we think and speak and act and live.
Live your best moment by moment, today and every day.
Happy New Moment.
Thanks for that link!
Check out https://www.upworthy.com/ also for some good news!
Happy new year all!
Very encouraging post. Thank you.
I can get over him. I can’t get over the lost time (past and future) with my children. He took so much of their lives from me and so much of my life from them. Kids were 2 and 0 when he left so I never even got or ever will get a full year or a full Xmas day with my youngest. It’s that which I can’t get over and consumes me.
I totally get that. Yesterday I watched a clip from Steven Colberts show where hr told the story of how he met his wife and I remembered how DEEPLY I yearned for someone to see my entry into their life in the same deep, heartfelt way. The story, however starts with the fact that he had been dating a nice gal who he loved for 2 years but when pondering marriage to her he felt lukewarm. He took a week at home to discern and decided to not marry his girlfriend and met his future wife.
I think that I lived a horrific betrayal version of what life is like when someone marries by default.
Yes, plan 1.0 failed but you can have a good 2.0 or 3.0 (it happens, ask CL) but what I did when my kids were little like yours is that I stayed with a betrayer…I thought I was helping my kids and I didnt realize that I harmed them immeasurably by staying. You have other options that have long left me and for that I kind of envy you.
Yes, Colbert’s story of meeting his wife is a very compelling one that I also can’t forget. Holding out for some non-disordered guy someday who expresses those deep (and hopefully time-tested genuine!) feelings about me. Here’s the video:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KW_nwxlwfyo
Waiting to move out, hopefully finances are clear within a week, so I can buy the apartment that’s waiting for me and DD! I just spent time at my sister’s house and I’m upset because she keeps laying her financial ”catastrophe” on me. (Interpretation: living beyond there means. Which I’ve been guilty of too, but I acknowledge it’s not that I’ve had too little but spent too carelessly.) I offered to make her a partner in my company, but she would have to create work for herself as the business can barely support one as is. And she was laid off and couldn’t find work so I wanted to help, but somehow I find her mad at me. Okay so this doesn’t have to do with the cheater, but it’s about my chumpiness and lack of boundaries and how it makes people mad when I say no, or make my own choices. And how I’m sick of being manipulated and getting people trample on me.
I hurt because I have trouble trusting stbx sucks. I hurt because after I told him separation was okay for me for now, hoping that maybe, just maybe he would love me enough to wait and suffer the consequences, he apparently got some advice from his divorced narc sister who will be happy that we divorce, and told me he wanted to divorce and divide assets right away. So it feels like he cares more about losing money than losing me. I need to quit the hopium. I will be okay, I will get ovet it, I have no choice, for my daughter. But I really don’t want to deal with minimizing and blaming when I fail to be peppy and enthusiastic and productive when it would suit others. This shit hurts enough as is.
Better new year to all chumps!
With regard to sisters financial trouble…we need to let people live the consequences of their actions and if you save her now, she will do it all again. My life changed a lot after my chumpdom and I now have more money than I ever expected and it is odd to now sense people around me (read: my parents, some friends) acting like it is now my job to spend them out of their bad decisions. Um, no.
With regard to the hopium, I was a horrible addict…the emotional equivalent of a meth-head with no teeth and a scratched up face…nothing convinced me to give up…nothing. I stayed until he dropped dead. I share this to say that now I look back and I see times when his behavior was so horrible, any normal, sane person would have said “This is beyond all reason and decency, even if he came back tomorrow, I would not want to be with a person who said did _____. No one who had a modicum of love for me would have done that”.
It is not your moral obligation to be peppy and optimistic, fuck that.
I am embarrassed to tell you this, but it has taken me a decade to get over this.
I really loved him.
I couldn’t believe that something as important as Family and (actually, significant) assets, was less important than his cock and smoke being blowed up his ass.
It was very hard to wrap my head around ‘his brain is REALLY wired this way it isn’t personal’
Even writing that still makes me feel sad.
Now I watch my children deal with it. The hardest challenge (don’t react; be there for them) – overcome
The most important thing? Stay integrity filled.
UNM – I wish there was a like button, my friend. Here you and I are, in our new lives, forging ahead in incredible new identities, finally unleashing our talent, but we still remember with sadness our big hearts.
My therapist said to me: you and [he] have taught me so much about affairs and pain, and you, Patsy, have an astonishing tolerance for pain. [Yup, that therapist had unpleasant shit to say about masochism and sadism]
We tried SO HARD to keep our families together
Miss Guided
Practice saying, “That doesn’t work for me”. No explanations necessary.
Please hold the cheater responsible for his actions. His sister can give her input. Oh, how they love to blame others. Hold him accountable.
The New Year was hard. I tried not to think of him spending it with the AP, but I can’t get the thoughts out of my mind…just a month ago I thought that we were happy newlyweds and now he’s abandoned me and is ringing in the New Year with her.
Trying to do healthy things, went to yoga yesterday, spending time with a close friend and fellow chump, but I can’t get these thoughts of him and her out of my mind. He hasn’t been contacting me except about mundane business stuff (all of his shit is still in our home, yesterday he texted me because he wanted me to make sure I picked up a package of his contact lenses) but that makes it worse. I can’t believe he just abandoned me and doesn’t care. After 12 years. I don’t know how to get over it, or make it through this year, let alone today.
Tell him to pick up his own damned packages; you’re not his secretary.
Every day is hard at first; just take it one day or minute or hour at a time. If you need to, it’s definitely OK to cry and throw stuff.
Hang in there, Kid, and don’t contact him. Let your attorney do your talking.
Hugs
Newlywed Chump,
I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and I understand how you feel. I was married 21 years; my divorce became final on December 26, 2019. My wife left me and her twin boys, who are 13 now, on November 2nd, 2018, for a guy she met on Facebook.
She also left her belongings behind and would text me about picking up her contact lenses (she moved 70 miles away from us to live with this guy, who lives with his older brother and his brothers girlfriend. He’s 54 today and still lives in the room he lived in as a kid.)
She has been gone for two holiday seasons now. I didn’t file for divorce until June of 2019, because I was pick me dancing. She wanted a divorce but wouldn’t file.
I finally filed; her mother and her brother encouraged me to do so because they wanted me to protect our sons. They are upset and disgusted by her behavior and don’t feel she’s a good mom. Her mom hasn’t spoken to her in nearly a year. She gave me full custody of the boys.
Anyway, my sons and spent New Years Eve watching movies and eating pizza. I’m putting all my energy into my sons. I hope things get better for you this year; I won’t say it’s easy because I’m still hurting over this and have no idea how long it will last, but the people on this site are so supportive. Keep coming here; I do daily. I wish you the best.
CaliChump, my wife left when our sons were teenagers.
What a blessing to get that fuckwit out of the house!
I finally did not have her undercutting the parenting of the one sane adult. Things ran better and I was able to do more father/son bonding while she was out reliving her wild and free younger days. (It wasn’t pretty)
Good riddance!
Embrace this opportunity. You can launch these boys into manhood without her.
Yep, my STBX did the same – sex, weed, and alcohol – partying like a teenager while his teenagers acted responsible. Sad and pathetic!
My wife too, after 24 years..daughter said mom always has her little travel bag of weed and her pipe with her, it’s legal here but at 51 she’s acting like we all did in the 80’s after our shifts at various restaurants or whatever. Nice to be the sane parent even though my kids are adults now. They both spend the holidays with me, she gets our daughter the day after, our son basically refuses to see her, which sucks for her because he and his wife have our new 2 year old grandson who I just adore. Her douchebag she’s with has 4 kids with 4 different women, one of which is homeless sleeping in his truck in Hawaii and the other has been in the county jail here since October for illegal gun possession and breaking restraining order, as well as firearm theft. Ya sounds like she really picked the father of the year, good luck to her lol
The sane person in the relationship will usually assume the disordered (those that grew up in unstable environment) will appreciate a loving, stable home environment. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. The disordered thrive on chaos and have no use for a stable environment. I’ve scratched my head over the years seeing some wives that hit the jackpot in the husband department and they end up leaving for some loser. All of the wives came from a chaotic home life.
When I left the house (24 years together), I had all the services closed, as they were in my name. He had no idea the work that goes into paying deposits and setting up cable, water, cell phone, etc. I was constantly getting calls with, “How do I. . . ?” I finally went NO CONTACT, and it’s one of the best things I could have ever done! If he wants to talk to me, he can talk to my attorney. Mind you, there are days I still wonder how I got here, and all seems a fog, but not hearing his voice is one less thing to deal with. Hang in there. You’ll find your path.
His contact lens?!
Yeah, you don’t wife appliance for him anymore. NO CONTACT.
Ugh, I’m sorry.
Funny how there’s the word contact in contact lenses… Anyhoo, you don’t owe him anything now, he left. His new object can take care if his stuff.
Thank you all for your sweet messages. The support from this community has already been invaluable as I navigate through this incredible pain. I thought I was doing better this afternoon…cleaning up my house, watching my favorite TV show, trying to move some of his stuff to a separate area so that I can start to feel at home again. Then I found a card from the AP tucked in a book on his nightstand and I literally threw up. It still doesn’t feel real—I know he must be with her because he’s off work today and not at home—but I still feel like I’m just waiting for him to come back home from a business trip or something. Reaching out for some support because I really, really need it tonight.
Virtual hugs, support, and ginger ale. You’re in my thoughts Newlywedchump.
Newlywedchump,
I, too, hoped that some of my abandoning exes would come back for good. None has. Thankfully, the longing has faded a bit over the years and decades although I am still alone, single parenting, and wishing that the situation were different.
Yes the early days especially the holidays can be very brutal. Imagining the stroke of midnight on NYE my ex wife in that idiots arms etc..but it’s been several years now and the pain is just a wistful thought and only if I dwell on it. This year I was more concerned about my shih tzu barking her ass off on my deck with all the fireworks going off. It’s does get better.
Newly,
Don’t let that jerk push you around. He can pick up his own stuff. When he cheated on you, he fired you from taking care of him.
That’s right, after my ex wife left she was having our daughter grab “this shirt” or these shoes or whatever she still had in the closet. I was still smoking the hopium pipe a bit but finally I got contractor bags and loaded all her shit from the bedroom and tossed them into the garage and told her she had one week or they’re getting donated. That’s when anger started taking over and I much preferred that than the sobbing sadness haha
On D-Day, when I started crying, but ex said, “What’s your problem? This is not THAT big a deal” in such a callous, derisive tone, I should’ve gotten the clue that I was dealing with a narcissistic sociopath. Instead, I pick-me danced for 5 weeks. And then, after a disastrous single marriage counseling session, I had a breakdown of sorts, which proved to be the starting point of my “getting over it”.
It’s three years later, and I’m not 100% over it, but I am leaps and bounds from where I was. I don’t miss that asshole, and haven’t since the day he moved out. There’s just a lot of fallout from being betrayed and also still having to deal with how terrible a father to our son he is. I feel a lot of guilt for breeding with a fuckwit and worry about my picker and whether I’ll ever trust again.
On the flip side, I rather enjoy living alone and with the dog I adopted that I’d never have if I still was married to a man who loves only himself. I’m so much more at peace now, and I look forward to healing even more.
Happy new year, my fellow chumps!
Paragraph 2 – same. Happy New Year to you!
Awesome! My ex never let the dogs in the house except for several minutes at night then off to their kennels for bed (they were 2 cairn terriers)..the DAY she left I let them sleep on my bed and my daughters and welcomed them on the damn couch. That’s how I was raised with dogs I don’t know why the F*ck I caved like that, I guess to keep the peace subconsciously. Those dogs or my new shih tzu have never slept in a kennel again
Happy new year Chump Nation! I believe I got over it when I realised it is about ME not about him. In hindsight, even though I went trough many really shitty times, it kind off worked like manure. I find myself living a happy life, kids raised and raised well, and I even started my own company. I have grown mighty beyond my wildest dreams
Being strong for yourself and your kids, however shit you are feeling, is really important. Because to remain crumbled in a heap in a corner is letting him still win. I was determined not to let him win by picking myself up and getting out of the marriage. I showed my kids that it is not acceptable to put up with that behaviour and that women are strong and can make it on their own. Mind you, my situation was unusual as my now XH had been living a double life as a swinger and had made over 200 sex tapes of his adventures. Which I found. It had been going on for at least half our marriage judging by the dates on the tapes. I can only presume it went on for the whole 24 years as he only had a camcorder for the final 13 years and no doubt he regretted being unable to film his earlier conquests. Many of these encounters were even in our family home whilst I was work and the kids were at school. The whole audacity and arrogance of the situation still beggars belief.
But apparently this behaviour is typical of narcissistic sociopaths. So if you find yourself in a relationship with one, pick up your kids and run.
The even more bizarre thing is him wanting to remain friends.
I’m 2 years out now and have no contact. Its bloody fantastic. He also wanted nothing to do with either of our kids so we are all free of the tosspot.
Your safety and sanity are the most important.dont let them win.
I’ve gotten over a lot. There are days where I don’t think about my ex-wife or our marriage.
We have a child together and joint custody, so I can’t go no contact. I really wish I could. I’m waiting for the day I can. I’m trying to keep it as minimal as possible. Still, she knows I used to be her kibble dealer and she’s not going to give up her source.
It never goes for very long before something a little outside of the standard operating agreement happens. I try not to let it upset me, but it definitely can.
Here’s a simple example. We agree to text only. A single instance happens where she can’t text because she’s driving, but can call because of hands free mode. It was urgent so I agreed but explained it was just this time. After that one instance, she stopped texting and started calling first. When I don’t answer, she will text. I pointed out that the one call was supposed to be an exception. She snarked back “oh, I thought you had finally gotten over not wanting to talk to me…I guess not.”
I didn’t reply to her comment, but it bothered me. I hate that it only takes a tiny bit of criticism to bring me down. This can be from anyone and for anything. I seem to be extra sensitive to it lately.
It’s a boundary. She doesn’t have to like it. She just has to obey it. You’re entitled to boundaries.
She made it about kibbles for her “You’re not over me.” It’s not that — she can conduct her business with the distance and formality she DESERVES. She’s not in your life for a reason.
Thanks Chump Lady!
I’m probably more “over it” because I can enforce a boundary now. I rarely could when married. I just wish I could cultivate my inner badass to the point where my ex’s barbs and snark didn’t upset me. Considering she knows better than anyone which buttons to push, it’ll be a lot of work. With helpful resources like CN, I’m sure I’ll get there.
My ex actually said he thought I should have got over him cheating in 2 weeks
Fuck knows how he got to that conclusion
I should have asked him
He after splitting up nearly 7 years ago still cant be honest
My next hurdle this year is to handle the loneliness. Not for him but for contact and maybe companionships. I have no close friends. One of my mistakes during my long marriage. I am looking into volunteering and have started going to church. It’s hard being a newbie and finding my way to friendships. Happy New Year to all.
I filed in November and am still in the same residence. Temporary support request submitted to his attorney. Prelim.hearing less than two weeks away. Navigating unchartered territory with my 21-month old along for the ride. STBX is delusional and really thinks/hopes that reconciliation is an option.
I want to thank you all (CL and CN)! Things are so much better because of you.
Long days ahead filled with the unknown, but you have prepared me well.
Happy New Year, folks!
Iron Butterfly, I know. These dickheads isolate us, and abuse isolates us. It’s something many other people don’t understand: that all the energy you use to keep the lid on the shame and pain leaves you with very little capacity for other people.
But it comes to you, a little bit at a time. Not every social encounter has to ‘work’. Be kind to yourself as you feel your way along. Little encounters that go well are really encouraging, and you can have lots of these.
Our mental health really rises and falls based on our connection and communication with other people: the whole range of other people out there, not just a romantic partner.
“The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop feeling hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect. But when we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”
The amazing Brene Brown
Ironbutterly–
I struggle with this too. I placed the focus on his family (larger) & his company (17 year SAHM), while my supposed closest friend turned out to be a snake in the sisterhood. I’m 1 1/2 years from divorce (loosing both parents along the way) so balancing being alone v. loneliness has been a challenge. Living in the same small town also provides for some unique situations. It has been painful at times, but I’m just now beginning to feel my choices weren’t mistakes, but a way to weed out people without character, integrity & kindness. Starting over is hard at 54, but I’m still standing.
Volunteering & church are great ways to build new communities. I’ve participated in a weekly trivia night and discovered a whole new group of friends. There’s a book club at my local library I’m going to check out. But most of all, I would like to start the TC Michigan Chump Badass Survivor (BS) group–“Cut through the BS of infidelity and thrive”!!!!!
The intention I set last May: (who needs New year’s resolutions??!)
Less
Fiercely independent but lonely
More
Contentedly alone and self-sufficient
It’s amazing what mindful intention-setting can do. That percolated for the rest of 2019 and, (despite some wobbles caused by co-called friends who turned out to be fair-weather and Just Don’t Get It), I really have managed it. Finally at the age of 52!
happy new year fellow chimps! may you find love, joy, peace and laughter in 2020.
woops meant chumps – first laugh of the year.????
Haha! Happy new year!
Yesterday was NYD in Oz, but since I spent the whole day on NYE on the alert for ember attack (cleaned gutters, filled buckets etc) I was too tired to …
PAINT MY FRONT DOOR!!
Today it happens. I’ve just finished making pancakes for my kids (The Delusionist used to be Pancake-Maker, but I’ve developed that skill as well as many others), and now I do some serious sanding. Thankfully it’s cooler today (and my door is shaded by verandah, and south-facing).
Then to the hardware for pea green paint. The colour of new beginnings!
HAPPY NEW DECADE CL & CN!! Whoop!
I’m still trying to move on. Heck, I’m even remarried! The divorce was so contentious and he even managed to completely alienate my children from me for 6 months. I’m still entwined in some shady business dealings he did during our marriage that I can’t get out of. This is probably why I still struggle to move on. Each time I hear from someone that he’s off on another magical expensive trip with a young woman all while claiming to be “working” and not paying his debts (and me), I go right back to my anger. I wish I could be one of those people who can just let it all go. I will keep trying every day. Thanks CL
Yes, mine does everything he can to ruin my relationship with our children. It continues.
This is such a key essay. Every minute staying focused on the cheater, on the whereabout of the Karma bus, on whether Cheater and the AP are going to break up or they have true love or are living the good life because they eat out on Saturday nights while you want the kids, is a minute of your life wasted.
It can take a long time to get there, but this is what we mean by Meh, that place in life where we don’t give a flying fuck what they do.
This post came just days after my ex told me to get over it. It triggered some kind of rage within. Since then I have done much self reflection and wondered why I had such a strong reaction to those words. I wanted to share a quote that I found from Brene Brown. This quote is now written in bright red chalk marker on my bathroom mirror – my 2020 mantra….
“Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending – to rise strong , recognize our story and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think YES this is what happened, this is my story. And I will choose how this story ends.” BB
We should never teach our children all people are good ~ some people are evil and there are many ways to be evil. We should teach our children some people have good heart and some people pretend to have good hearts. Walk away from the pretenders. It will never get better.
Chumped x2…once with a 6 yr old and newborn. Fast forward 32 years chumped again by my stbxh grabbing a cafeteria lady who made his egg sandwich breakfast and doing her in an empty room. That’s all in needed to know. Fr my first husband’s treachery ( he never looked back) to my second husband’s adultery without remorse, I was done and filed. I do not miss either man because once the hopium smoke cleared I knew they did. Not. Love. Me .and had used me in the pick me dance without me knowing it. Each one admitted to 3 years of chumping me with others. I am 70 now, in the middle of a divorce, moved to a retirement apartment and have the peace of a life time. No one will use me again and discard me. One man here started to talk about how awful his girlfriend was…and right away I knew the sad sausage story that was about to unfold. I told him to work it out with her and now I completely ignore him. I realize that both my husband’s had to devalue me to use me like they did. I am priceless and those are not men who are at my heart level. I was spared even one more say with either of them. The double decker S^%$%sandwich is over for me. No Contact is heaven sent. I went through withdrawal in 2 weeks and no love is left in me for men like that. I thank God for every day of peace.