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How Do I Get Over Feelings of Unfairness?

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Hi Chump Lady,

So I chucked out my ex after D-Day 2 a couple of months ago (although D-Day 1 was technically affairs…. I also suspect there have been more).

We have been together 22 years, married for 13, and have 3 young kids. I had to be the one to end our relationship despite the fact he was still in a relationship with OW this time and continues to be so.

I am coping ‘ok’ mainly because for the most part I am able to remember what a sparkly turd he is — he has never been financially stable or held down a job for more than a couple of years, he has no friends, he has lied to me lots over the years (not just about cheating) and he actually started his last affair when I was caring for my adored father who was dying from cancer. Real charmer….. However, I was with him for over half my life and have 3 kids with him. I now realise I was the Queen of spackle.

What I am struggling most with though is getting over the injustice of the whole situation. It is so much sometimes it literally burns inside me — I am a GOOD person, proved through the fact I have lots of (amazing) friends who are helping me through this. It is so so unfair that he is a complete shit and yet I am the one suffering as a result.

I am so tired from dealing with 3 incredibly damaged children and yet hate being parted from them and missing out when he has them to stay. I am having to hold down a job despite the fact I want to curl up in a ball and not do anything. I am having to give him some of the inheritance I got (because of my beloved dad dying) as we are married and he is due 50% according to the law in the UK. I literally want to stamp my feet and shout ‘it’s not fair’!!!!!

How do I get over this feeling??

Best,

Queen of Spackle

Dear Queen of Spackle,

You feel it. Because it’s not fair.

And you keep living your life anyway, and persevering, until your new life fills in and your old life fades. However, it never stops being unfair. But it’s bearable because you’re not continually surrounded by a fuckwit and all their chaos. It’s now a finite chapter in your life, and you’re creating much more interesting chapters that aren’t fuckwit-centric.

Right now, you’re in the middle of the suck, having ridden a long trajectory of suck — 22 years with a lousy partner. He’s financially unstable, emotionally unsupportive, and deceitful. Your suck-free life is just theoretical now — but I promise you, it’s out there.

I can’t do anything about your sunk costs. We all have them here. However, you can stop being among the damned souls who keep in investing and spackling over the losses.

Here’s a few things that have helped me with unfairness.

1.) Perspective. It’s appalling that you’re going to have cede half of your inheritance to a fuckwit. (The U.S. laws here are different, btw, generally inheritances are yours in a divorce.) And the years wasted on a fuckwit hurt like a mofo — look around you — you’re in very good company.

You probably think I’m going to go with “Someone Has It Worse” (someone does). My actual point is — this injustice is VERY common. Other people have survived it, and you can survive it too.

Also, you don’t control him and you’re not responsible for what he did when you were an unknowing, trusting partner. You brought your A game. You invested. You loved. That’s what good people do, so yes, don’t delude yourself about spackling, but also recognize that YOUR life was not a lie. HIS life was a lie. Be proud of being a faithful, loving partner. Even if the object of your trust and love was utterly unworthy of it.

2.) Activity. Fight the injustice, that will keep you busy. You can’t do anything about time lost, but you can go forward as the Sane Parent to your kids. You can model resiliency. You can be determined to not let a fuckwit steal your joy.

You can also change the narrative around infidelity. That’s what I did with my particular Suck, but I don’t do this work alone. Comment here, in a few years, pay it forward, help another friend going through this navigate their way out.

Or take on a bigger injustice than being chumped — set your sites on larger bastards. Take on city councils or climate change. Get out of yourself and see how much horrible injustice is out there. It’s all hands on deck! We need all the good souls we can get.

3.) Gratitude. I’m not talking about the toxic positivity shit that’s in your Facebook feed, that exhorts you to be grateful for a fuckwit and friends with your ex. (For The Children!) We should never have to be “grateful” to people who abuse us.

As part of that perspective exercise, note what’s in your Plus column and be thankful. Do you have your health? Good friends? A paying job? These are your tickets to a better future. Invest in these things. Cherish them the way you used to cherish an undeserving idiot.

4.) Acceptance. His cheating and thieving are unfair. He will enjoy the profits of his cheating and thieving. He will most likely go on to cheat and thieve someone else. (Let it be the latest Schmoopie, please.) Accept the reality of who he is and what happened to you. Trust that he sucks.

To not accept these truths is to be continually broadsided by pain.

Were you expecting him to abide by his agreements? Find a job? Call a friend instead of you? Oh that’s right, he DOESN’T DO THESE THINGS, because THAT’S WHO HE IS.

Expecting him to be who you want him to be (a loving, invested person) will keep hurting. Accepting who he is (based on 22 years of experience with him) saves you a LOT of grief.

Accept it, wash your hands of it, and keep your side of the street clean on the parenting. It sets a great example for your kids, who are going to have to work out their relationship with him on their own. When you get frustrated and hurt by that, realize how long it took YOU to stop spackling and see the truth of him. Kids love the other parent and that’s their right, but they also don’t have the adult life perspective to fill in the picture.

Queen of Spackle — it gets better. Stay no contact with your ex (or as grey rock as you can with 3 kids — scheduling software is your friend). Start filling in the new life, and feel ALL the feels. That’s grief. It passes.

((Hugs))

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I really want you to go see a lawyer today!!!!

    And talk about your inheritance. He should get zero. In Canada your inheritance is yours- unless community property Isco purchased with the money🤪

    Have your Father change how his will is set up if possible. Put money into education savings plans for the children that cannot be touched until a certain age.

    If you have a serrations agreement in the works and your Father passes away – he should not be able to touch it. Put it in Your Name Only. Do not let him tell you otherwise.

    These useless fuckwits burn my biscuits!!! Just a parasite on your lives!!!!

    Ps – I am so sorry. Your poor Father. You are a wonderful woman and you will get through this with your children ❤️

    • I know EXACTLY how Queen feels. Besides feeling like a fool my self for spackling for so long, sparkledick got MY FATHER’S HOUSE when we split our assets. This is sooooo unfair. But it is the law in my country.

      My lawyers, nevertheless, got me an excellent deal. My divorce was the fable of the tortoise and the hare: sparkles was all laid back with his powerful lawyers and got the shock of his life when I switched at the last minute to two pitbulls and HE ended up paying 70% of their fees….. plus I got the cream of our assets and he got the shit part (stuff that will be hard to sell because his family always were klutzes getting paperwork straightened out and he has to wait for my mother to die to get the house) hahahahaha

      In a way, getting my father’s house puts him in terrible light for our sons: they know that I asked him to at least put the house in their names and he said no. The boys were so disappointed.

      But I really could not care less about how sparkles looks. I just want to forget that I spent and wasted 44 years on him. This amount of time is hard to fade, but it does. Just like CL says. Take care Queen!

      • Your father’s house, wow, that sucks. My ex got our hobby farm. He used a lot of pressure. Now he sends texts (which I ignore) bragging about how much he enjoys it. Unfair is right. But being rid of them is the real prize. I did an over 30 year ‘sentence’ myself. So many memories and triggers after so many years.

    • In Canada, if it was cash, and funds were ever held in a joint bank account, it would be a 50/50 split. That’s what I was told by my lawyer. So, if you are expecting an inheritance, and you are still separating financial matters, make sure the inheritance is only ever held in an account solely on your name. But obviously get legal advice before receiving the inheritance, I wasnt told if it varies by province.

      • Yes, and motor vehicle accident awards as well. Know your rights for your country/province/state. Keep assets separate. Use an entirely different bank. In your name only. And don’t use the funds to pay for joint expenses. Speak to a lawyer to clarify.

    • Unfortunately in the UK the starting point for marital assets (and debts) is 50/50 and then it moves depending on many different factors. Sadly inheritance can be included in that. I have an amazing solicitor who is a complete bulldog so I am confident I am getting the best deal I can. It just sucks that I have to fight for money which is rightfully mine and the kids….

  • Its unfair
    Your not with him any more, its gonna hurt like crap.
    Children will realise what he’s really like
    Every child has bad experiences in life unfortunately its how they and you deal with it.
    You could ask the gp to be referred to child, adolescent mental health team, your in the UK.
    Emotional abuse, should be watched out for. Your ex has shown you what he’s really like.
    Good luck

  • The injustice is a very bitter pill to swallow. People telling me, “It could be been worse,” at the worst times made it worse at first, but I came to see it was true. Over here in the US there’s marital debt. If I hadn’t acted quickly by getting a legal separation in time, I could be paying off credit cards that didn’t have my name on them.
    Many years out I still sting from the injustice, but I’m not consumed by it. Thanks to this blog & other good resources I have perspective, the ability to heal & continue to learn better self-care. Time is my friend.

    • I still resent the people that told me to put on my big girl pants. When I had lost virtually everything; career, home, children, health….let them try that on for size!

  • I am sorry that you are going through this. It is unfair that they cheat on us. Put our health at risk. Finacially abuse us. And they never seem to suffer conscquences. I know it hurts now. In time you will come out of this a better you. Cheaters suck the soul out of you. Give yourself permission to get angry, cry, scream etc.
    Being cheated on was the worst experience I ever went through. You deserve a happy cheater free life. And so does your children. Hugs.

  • Queen of Spackle,

    I get it. I too lost a lot, half of my pension, my savings since the jerk had nothing because I was the saver. He lied, he cheated, he was abusive to me and my kids, and he got a pay day for it, in fact, he’s getting a big raise from my pension for the rest of his life, it’s not fair. It burns me up. But he’s a miserable, entitled idiot who will always destroy what’s good in his life from relationships to bank accounts. There’s nothing I can do but rejoice that he’s not screwing up my life anymore and without his entitled spending, I am able to save and invest so I will be okay. I think of it like I had to pay him to go away and it’s worth every penny!

    I needed this one today, as I still need to finalize the paperwork to lose my pension to him. It’s hard. I keep sitting on it, like ripping off a bandage. I need to do this and just be done with it, but fair it is not!

    • ChumoToTheMax – thank you for those words which really helped and I am sorry you are going through this with your pension. That sucks. We are similar – I am the saver, the one that worked hard, the one in the job and now it feels I am being punished for that. The law needs to change somewhere! You are right though that at least my money is MY money now, thank God and I am not spending any of it on him and his needs (and his side fucks!). I am lucky that I won’t be left with any debt but you are so right that ‘fair it is not’. I hope you get your situation sorted as best you can.

  • I was able to stop the raging over unfairness when I stopped keeping score over which one of us was doing better. Me comparing the wonderful ness of his love emoji decorated social media photos against the exhaustion of a day picking up the pieces for me and my young sons leads nowhere. I put faith in you reap what you sow and karma and the blocking feature of Facebook.

    • Dee, this is what keeps me stuck. how do I get there?

      I blocked the fuckwit on all social media and instant messaging apps, I’m deep grey rock (two minor children), but i’m buying into any tiniest sign of his brand new sparky life (new clothes, can’t switch kids weekend – concert tickets, with OW no doubt) and even if objectively I know this is all a facade, I just can’t help comparing and beating myself over the outcome (he is thriving after he got rid off the evil controlling me).
      i’m almost 2 years after DD and although I picked up my life and doing well, job, kids and friends-wise, emotionally i’m still stuck, comparing the outcomes, wishing him painful death, untangling the skein. I’m angry at myself for wasting 2 more years on this idiot and and the end is still not near.
      How do I get there?

      • Iamia, you are doing everything right. You have controlled contact and intellectually know you are better off. In my experience the emotional letting go comes quite a bit later ( for me it took several years). You just keep on the path you are on and one day you feel something shift and your emotions change. You feel freer and lighter and it all becomes ancient history. You will have zero interest in knowing anything about ex’s life. Just keep on doing what you are doing!

        • I agree. You’re doing everything right, and it also took me years — 5 to be exact — and I was married 30 years before I reached peace. I just couldn’t believe it back then, but the day came when I was the one saying, “Someday you’ll be glad he’s not your problem anymore.” It’s so, so great now. I didn’t lose my inheritance (there wasn’t any), but it was hard to see him walk away and live ‘the American Dream’ with his skank. I was supposed to live those retirement years with him, not her. But without a doubt, I am so, so glad I’m not. Reality is here. He was a dick and even if he is the greatest guy in the world to his skank, he was a dick to me and he would always be a dick to me. That’s who he is. And truthfully, people don’t change so undoubtedly, he’s a dick to her. He’s not MY problem anymore. The day will come when your ex won’t be your problem anymore and you will be at peace!

          • “He was a dick and even if he is the greatest guy in the world to his skank, he was a dick to me and he would always be a dick to me.”

            That right there is the truth of it Amazon Chump. It doesn’t matter if they’re good, bad or indifferent to their latest sparkletwat. As CL says, the reality of the matter is that they treated us badly (usually over many years) and that’s the truth we have to focus on and accept.

      • Hi Iamia,
        I have also struggled with this. I am 2 years out a still have my moments as well. What has helped me is to do things to occupy my mind so I don’t dwell. What’s helped me too is to remember they have to live with themselves and you never know what really goes on behind closed doors. Keep being mighty. You are the real winner!!

      • I think you are normal. After being burned it’s very hard not to notice when the perpetrator seems to be doing well. With each year it gets easier. Doesn’t go away, but gets milder. They will always be creeps.

  • Get legal advice regarding your inheritance. In the uk they do not automatically get 50% of inherited assets. See a solicitor asap x

    • There is no such thing as a vacuum in nature.

      I don’t know how long ago you discovered you were married to a fraud, but that cheater left a big gaping hole where a whole bunch of awesome people and situations are going to rush in. You are in very good company, and a lot of it. He’s not. He is no prize and neither is anyone who hooks up with him knowing he was married with children. You get the clean slate and he has a rap sheet that can never be expunged. Like a convicted felon, there are desirable situations that will now be unavailable to him because of his record. The most desirable of situations out of his reach for him is a love relationship with a foundation of trust and safety….he is not capable of that. Now that’s justice! Our actions have repercussions and consequences, and bad choices lead to tragic results. He is no exception to that rule. We all have free will and can do the right thing or choose to do harm. When we cross paths with those who do us harm, there are legions of good people to rush in and help (Chump Lady! Chump Nation!)

      My feelings of injustice are linked to my perception of him as a Nice Guy, a good catch. I no longer feel that way about him. It’s been two years for me now…I do feel ripped off and abused but I also feel liberated and believe that justice is a better life with the Malignant Tumor (him) removed. He was terminal cancer and I got very painful surgery without anesthesia so I could live and not die a slow and painful death. You got hit by a lot of bullets but the shooter missed the artery….

      Yes, it would be nice to skip over all the awful feelings we have when someone betrays us like this. Gotta go through them. 😪

      Good people give you good memories.
      Bad ones give you lessons and experience.

      For me, rather than thinking of the situation in terms of fairness, it helps me to reframe it in terms of the Three C’s….I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. I add a fourth and a fifth C…
      I CAN CARE for myself in response to it.

      • “Good people give you good memories.
        Bad ones give you lessons and experience.

        For me, rather than thinking of the situation in terms of fairness, it helps me to reframe it in terms of the Three C’s….I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. I add a fourth and a fifth C…
        I CAN CARE for myself in response to it.”

        Awesome statements

        • Three C’s….I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. I add a fourth and a fifth C…
          I CAN CARE for myself in response to it.”

          Thank you. This is helpful framing.

      • Velvet Hammer

        “My feelings of injustice are linked to my perception of him as a Nice Guy, a good catch.”

        This is my problem! Further to what I wrote above, I KNOW, he sucks. I think about time before the D Day as 24/7 intravenous poison administration. He checks on all the horrid things – blameshifting, gaslighting, ridiculing, disrespecting, manipulating, even physical abuse. And yet, he and the OW#2 are happy as two pigs in the mud. He made it clear that I made him into this person. And now he’s back to his happy, easygoing, carrying and loving person with someone else. How do get pass this?

        • I completely understand what you are feeling, because it’s what I also too often feel. I know he did this horrible things, engaged in all those horrible behaviors. I trust that he sucks. But, at the same time, he’s projecting the “poor me” AND the “now that she’s gone everything’s A-ok,” which in my low moments I think must be true. I know he’s still gaslighting me with this projection, and I tell myself my questioning myself is a result of the years of living with someone who was devaluing me and making me the problem, but boy, howdy, is it hard to withstand it, especially when he goes on his merry way with no consequences.

        • He is FAKE and MANIPULATIVE.

          People who are authentically happy, easygoing, caring, and loving ARE NOT CRUEL AND ABUSIVE. AFFAIRS ARE CRUEL AND ABUSIVE.

          Bernie Madoff was ripping off his friends for decades. He acted like a good friend to every one of them. Every one of them thought he was a great guy until one day they heard the news and checked their bank accounts. It was decades before his consequences came home to roost.

          Just because you can’t see any consequences doesn’t mean there aren’t any.

          YOU don’t want to suffer the consequences of staying married to a cruel, mean, evil, fraudulent, abusive, fake, two-faced jerk.

          NICE GUYS DON’T LIE.

          • Again, great advice! You’re so correct, nice guys don’t lie. Nice guys don’t cheat. That’s probably what held me back so long from reaching meh. I kept picturing his suave, handsome, charming persona and all the people that ‘loved’ being around him. I harbored the thought, ‘the problem had to be me…, just like he said.’ But years later, I now see that he may look wonderful, but NICE GUYS DON’T LIE. He is not a nice guy no matter what he does. And he’s not my problem anymore!

            • Heck, apparently serial killer and rapist Ted Bundy was suave, handsome, and charming, Ultimately, a very clever con man. Not at all a nice guy. That’s how we need to think of our cheating partners – con artists. They are good at conning and we fell for it.

          • The thing is I do see consequences. I do see who he is

            He is out of work more than a year due to “depression”. His depression was in fact caused by his narcissistic inability to subordinate in his new job. He’s 53 year old guy who is borrowing money from his mother and spending small inheritance to give his life veneer of normalcy. He left original OW after 3 months, now he found his soulmate 4 months ago, gets love tattoos, opened social media accounts (all blocked) to broadcast their fabulous life, got himself male jewellery and new clothes and claims he FINALLY can be himself again.

            I avoid any contact but get some previous from kids and a few friends who laugh their ass off him. I KNOW he’s a first-class IDIOT and yet, I’m totally stuck.

            when I hear “years” it scares the shit out of me

            • It does take years to process this kind of trauma. It is done one moment, one day at a time. Healing from this is a progressive event and we cannot expect to recover quickly. It leaves massive scars. I have only recently begun to think of him as a jerk instead of a great guy that left me. It takes time to reconcile who we thought they were and really internalize that they are jerks.

              (Ted Bundy was a handsome charming guy too…..Chris Watt…handsome, charming, and getting marriage proposals in jail as we speak……)

              • But was he a great guy when you met? Or was he always a jerk and you were just projecting your feelings and views on him? I know we are not supposed to untangle the skein, but I think part of my struggle is that I question my own sanity sometimes. I chose this man to be my husband and the father of my children, I loved him, I was proud of who he was. Was I really that blind? Or was it right there in front of me, but I chose to ignore it? Or was he a great guy until he wasn’t?
                It’s not about him anymore. I’m DONE. I suffer like a mofo but I’m divorcing this man-child as we speak. Nothing will stop me now. I guess I just wish I knew what is real and what’s not

              • When people are skilled liars it’s not a failure on our part, or blindness, for not realizing it.

                And when deceit is revealed there is no way to know what was true when it comes to information that can’t be verified.

        • It is difficult, no doubt. The best thing for me is to imagine myself actually doing those things with my ex that she is now doing with AP-cum-husband. That takes all the fun out if it instantly. Yes, I’d like to be on an all-expenses-paid trip to India right now; but no, I wouldn’t want to do it with her.

          You’re jealous that your XH goes to concerts … but how would you really feel if you had to go with him yourself? They’re sucky people, and they find ways to make things that ought to be wonderful suck.

        • I have also been accused of being the one making him into a cheater. That it’s not really who he is but who he became due to our unhealthy marriage. He claims to have taken all the lessons learned in our marriage counselling sessions (the sessions he continued to cheat through) and apply them in this affair relationship to get it right this time. He recently told me that he understands that what he did with this woman during our marriage was wrong, but that there is nothing wrong with the relationship now in the two years since he left. That’s some mighty convenient compartmentalization he’s got going on in his head.

          But, then I’m reminded of our courtship and early marriage. It was four years before we ever had our first real argument. Four years of us being virtually inseparable with two supportive families and everything going for us. I started to notice his disconnect in the later months of my first pregnancy. The disconnection slowly progressed over the years. The more adulting we had to do, the more despondent he became.

          It’s just a matter of time. She’s not very smart and she’s low value, so her expectations are not high. That’s what makes him believe his relationship is so much better with her. They are together when he doesn’t have the kids, so they live the single life of fun. Neither one owns a home so they have no responsibilities in caring for a house. Both have ex-spouses that get the kids for a greater amount of time and take care of most of the details of parenting the kids. With her, he gets to always be the smartest person in the room and lives the “easy” life. She gets the accommodator that he becomes when he’s infatuated. He becomes whoever he is with when he is besotted. I experienced that for four years and didn’t know it was a reflection of the characteristics of covert narcissism. Give him his ego kibbles and he’ll follow you for life.

          They are always better for the affair partner, until they aren’t. So, I don’t get hung up on that so much anymore. Just keep reminding yourself of the reality of who they are. Your experience of them isn’t an isolated incident. They’re staying power is finite. If their affair relationship actually lasts (in the rare instances that it does), it does not indicate that they are better, it indicates a relationship of people with lower values and expectations who are likely unhealthily dependent and bonded to one another. Eww. No thanks.

          • True words rights here, you nailed it! I felt like i was sitting with both my best of friends and therapist. This is my situation to the T and are my current mantra. D day was in Oct of 2016. I was legally done by July of 2018. I am finally hitting my stride. You don’t trust it at first but the pain is finite. Keep fighting for yourself!!! You can do it!!!!

          • ONM, I could sign off under your post

            We lived in a genuine fairy tale first 7 years. Well, I thought it was a fairy tale, I was 23, wounded by FOO, didn’t know what “love bombing” was – flooded with affection, tiny gifts (we had no money in the beginning, I moved for him from another country, how romantic this all was!), undivided attention, guessing my wishes before they even appeared in my head. I thought it was cute when he insisted we go to sleep at the same time and acted wounded when I went to brush my teeth without waiting for him :-O

            But then life happened, I got pregnant. I distinctly remember us going for a weekend and experiencing sad, nagging realization that something is off. That we are not as good as i thought we were. That he is checking out. I dismissed it. Then I became very successful at my work. It went downhill from then but in a way that got me question my own sanity, never ever his abusive behavior.

            Only a year after he left I realized he is a covert narcissist. He checks on every single characteristics. Every single one!

            He’s living a fairy tale with someone else now. He met a love of his life even got a tattoo to celebrate it! He actually said he “becomes himself from before the kids”. He sees the kids only a few days in a month so it’s easy for him to pretend. It’s exactly what you described above.

            I know who he is and I know I don’t want him in my life anymore. Without any hesitation and with immense strength, like bulldozer I break to the ground everything that we built together. I build my own life on the ground I claimed. It makes me feel really good. But my stupid heart still has to catch up 🙁

        • These narcs always love to stick the knife in. It’s part of their enjoyment. They know our vulnerable spots and stab them. Don’t believe one single word that came/comes out of their sick mouth. Victory is realizing that their opinion is worthless.

      • Wonderful advice, Velvet Hammer!! I think I’ll copy what you said and stick it to my bathroom mirror. It’s obvious you’re at peace.

      • OhVelvet Hammer, you always get to me! It is like you spoke directly to me about moving on from the fuckwit. “You don’t want to suffer the consequences of staying married to a cruel, mean, evil, fraudulent, abusive, fake, tow-faces jerk.” NO I DO NOT! Thank you very much! I will happily take a cheater free life for the win. I’m so glad to be free of his attempt to murder my soul. Thank You!!!!

  • Inheritance in the UK is not automatically a marital asset. Especially if it is in a separate account and not been used for anything marital to date. As others have said see a solicitor asap!

  • Hi, are you sure you need to give him any of the inheritance? I’m in the UK and had the same issue during my divorce, but was told inheritance is ring-fenced? Ours was a needs-based case, so the only way he could have benefited was that if I inherited X, that meant my overall need, and therefore claim on our joint estate went down by X (ie the same amount). Please get as much advice about this as possible

    • Also, there’s no ‘have to’ either – only what the two of you agree to. Unless it goes to Court. Even then, they encourage you to agree outside of the courtroom without the judge deciding.

      You have to decide between the two of you what is ‘fair’. While there is a legal presumption of 50/50, its more complicated because of financial needs. I got way more than 50% because my financial need, for several reasons, was greater than his.

      You don’t have to give him any of your Dad’s money unless you agree to it or a judge says you have to. I’m not clear on what the situation would be if you’ve tied the inheritance up into a joint asset (such as property), but even then, you could still argue for the inheritance to be ring-fenced and not considered as part of the estate for settlement.

      Get that proper legal advice!!

      • I have had advice from a solicitor who is awesome and luckily it won’t be 50/50 – we are still going through all the details but I am hopeful I will get a much better deal – more like 90/10 tbh (especially as he has no money to pay for legal advice….) I think part of the injustice is that I have to argue for it at all. If I had wronged someone like he has, there is no way I would then go after their money too. But that’s the point – he isn’t like me. He is not a good guy. He is a liar and a cheat and a narcissist so I need to stop expecting better of him. There is no better and that’s something I need to really accept….

  • Another UK chump here who did not split assets 50/50. Please please find legal advice ASAP. It’s based on income, house, debt, the whole pot of finances as well as family need and who has the kids etc.

    Most solicitors will do 30 mins free advice. I can’t recommend it enough. Yes they cost a lot , but it could be the best money you spend to protect you and the kids. Best wishes and you will get there x

  • Dear Queen of Spackle

    I am so sorry this is happening to you and your 3 children . You are 100% correct it is deeply unfair
    I had to pay my ex £0000’s to get rid of him . He lied , cheated , stole marital money to buy a house with his AP all the while getting her pregnant and telling me for 19 years he NEVER wanted children . He stole my fertility years as well as everything else .

    And he gets a new relationship a new family , money and no loss of a job or his family or anything , while i am alone struggling to function day in day out how is any of it fair ?

    I am in UK and your inheritance is YOURS unless you put it in to marital assets . Example if you were left £5000 and you bought a car then that car is the marital asset . If you remodelled your home then the same BUT if you have it as savings in the bank then its yours . He can’t touch it at all

    If you can’t afford a lawyer yet go to Citizens advise they will keep you right about your inheritance .

    Sending you hugs and support

    • Karenb6702,
      I’m so sorry about the loss of your chance to have children. My XH did the same to me – maintained he didn’t want kids. Left me for OW, married her, and they just had a baby last year. I’m going to turn 50 this year, so it’s too late for me – OW is 10 years younger than me. It’s unjust to say the least. Sending you hugs.

      • There is a special circle in hell for men who steal your chance to have children. I am so sorry karen and Nokibbles.

      • Hi both. Mr Tiny Feet’s older brother did exactly the same to his now ex-wife. She and I are in touch regularly and share stories of bad behaviour. Older brother got now ex-wife pregnant twice then didn’t want to be involved in childcare until they grew up. He’s all over them like a rash now. I blame the narcissist mother. She is a whole non-fiction book worth of personality disorder …

      • Hugs back at ya NoKibbles

        I’m 45 now and will never have children now . Schmoopie is 29 and was pregnant 11 weeks after he left me .

        I’ve said it heaps his favourite was telling me if you get yourself pregnant then I’m off .

        I wish I’d left him go in my 20s or 30s !

        Well now he gets a brand new baby at 46 and I’ll never ever know what that’s like .

      • I’m feeling especially fired up after hearing your story and so many others of different styles of fraud. It seems worthwhile to start discussing some movement to make penalties and/or reparations for breaking a verbal and written contract standard in divorce proceedings. Maybe something for disregard for health safety. These aspects to infidelity have been lost (or maybe never were there) but marriage is a contract and there is an injured party. There needs to be monetary penalties, like any other crime or contract default. There certainly isn’t any justice emotionally. Maybe start with movement to just encourage all people to require a prenup with an infidelity clause with monetary penalties. And reinforce idea of fighting smart financially during divorce proceedings. I think some bad behavior could be deterred if there were actual consequences. Consequences bad enough to deter some and if not, cover the defrauded party at least some. I know this doesn’t help non married but it’s a start. I’d like to somehow start changing society’s feelings towards betrayl, deceit, abuse and fraud. Maybe it would trickle into judicial system. Just something, anything. I’ll be training/ encouraging my daughters, I know that. Gotta start somewhere.

    • Guys,. This is so unfair and what I’m about to suggest is not intended to minimize your loss at all, but consider fostering a child if you really want the chance to parent. It will be a different experience than what you imagined, just like your life is going to be different now. As some one who comes from an adopting family, I can promise you while some parts are different, what matters most, loving and raising kind, good, caring children isnt. And there are always children in need. Even if being a single parent doesn’t seem realistic to you, go out and volunteer to help others who are single parenting because they have no choice. Done just accept that a fuckwit took your chance to ever parent. If it matters to you there are still ways.

  • 5 years after the divorce from X#3, I’m still paying off the last of the debt (originally ~$130K) that X#2 ran up (25 years ago) because I wasn’t savvy enough back then to have gotten a separation agreement and/or moved those personal debts/credit cards out of mine or joint names. By the time all is said and done, I will have paid off this house *twice*. However, I’ve paid off my student loans, the first mortgage on the house, all my credit cards, and the original HELOC… so there is that. Now only $90ish K to go! #IfIDidntLaughIdCry #ThePainHasATimeLimit #IllLetYouKnowWhenItsOver #ProbablyATuesday xoxoxo

  • I also lived for 29 years (26 married) giving the very best of myself to a person who was so weak and disordered that he appreciated and reciprocated virtually none of what I gave him. Much after the fact, I realized that it was not a marriage in the way I had thought and hoped and functioned, his inner fuckedupness caused him to be a very weak person and at some point, rather than seeing me as a partner, he saw me as a scapegoat. “Coping by blame” became his modus operandi and was so deeply entrenched, at some point he could not change it because his entire worldview was constructed around it.

    I have a few folks like him in my life…some (like my mom) have done massive damage but some like my nowhusbands XW and Cheaters sister arent actually IN my life except to show me from a distance what long-term selfishness does to a life. For them the Karma bus was slow which made it much worse for them because by the time it hit, there was not enough time to change anything. In big ways and small, their lives are shallow and tragic. They helped very few and garner no respect.

    Yes, much was taken from me by 2 of these people (mom & Cheater) who I loved and trusted, but they did not destroy me and likely the challenges they set in my path helped mold me into the hellraiser of a successful person (see Labor Day posts) I became.

    It was all very hard and if I had (way back when) been given an actual choice, I would likely have given up my future strength for their kindness, but those ships sailed a LONG LONG time ago and now I am the person who endured all this and I like who I became and I do good things with my badassery. I also have gratitude and decency (I have my own moderate versions of stupidity and selfishness and laziness but I work on those every day).

    I now look at the people who stomped on me for their own benefit and I wouldnt want to be any of them on their very best days. Go be you, the best you there is.

    • Thank you Uni for today’s post. Narcissistic father (deceased), cheater ex-husband (no contact, now that children are adults), malignant narcissist brother (no contact, estranged for a decade and counting) have done tremendous harm to me over many, many years. But, like you, I’ve been shaped by their toxic behaviour into the resilient and reflective, and person I’ve become. I’d also like to think of myself as a ‘badass’, but only in a good way. My second husband (also a Chump and a total gift from God) says I’m a badass in spades, (but only in a good way -LOL).

      Karma hit all the above family members, but not for a long time, and it had nothing to do with me. Wouldn’t want to be them – grateful I don’t have to deal with them anymore.

      • Here is a Karma story. I was talking with my 15 year old daughter. She asked, “Daddy do you believe in Karma?” I answered, “I don’t know.” She replied, “Well if there is karma Mommy is i trouble.” It gets better.

  • Like many here, I had to sign over a big chunk of my pension and almost all of the equity in the house as part of our divorce settlement. Her original demands were outrageous and I had to put her in front of a Judge to get her to see sense, which cost a fortune. I left the marriage with tens of thousands of pounds of debt (now cleared thankfully); she left with a stack of cash. I deal with it by reminding myself that this was simply the cost of getting her out of my and my childrens’ lives; I have created a stable, safe and loving environment for me and the kids and that’s worth everything.

    She is now doing a great job of squandering the settlement with her AP – who she now lives with – but that’s her right; I got a clean break, so when it’s gone it’s gone and soooo not my problem.

    🙂

    • Oh yes, when it’s gone, it’s gone. I paid $10K to divorce the dick and gave him a little over half the cash. He got a house and all of his retirement (very hefty military retirement.) I got our house, my IRA, and my grandma’s house (which is worth at most one year of his military retirement pay.) Financially he was so much better off. While I spent the last 5 years getting repairs done on my house and trying to save up the cash again in preparation for future repairs (roof, HVAC, etc), he bought a motorhome and a time share in Mexico, and another gorgeous house. Well…, he retired and without his really nice paycheck, he continued to spend at the same rate. The excess money is gone and I can only imagine his credit cards are maxed out. He’s selling the gorgeous house to live in a trailer. These types of people do. not. change. They just move on and make someone else the cause of all their woes. Eventually their good looks and charm are gone and they become really miserable people. And they aren’t our problems anymore.

  • Hi Queen of Spackle, UK Brit here. I typed a long post and lost it! I empathise with you completely. I won’t retype my story as it is long. Briefly husband of 18 years (26 together) left me 4 months ago. Gave me a list of my character flaws as long as the Nile 3 months ago. About 2 months ago I found out that he was involved in a very long distance affair with his ex-girlfriend of 32 and 27 years ago (he dumped her twice). While my Dad was dying many months ago they were protesting undying f*****g love, star crossed lovers, Sliding Doors, soulmates to each other. Classy. Schmoopie knows very well that he is married. I told him I knew about the affair but not how I knew. Result, massive denial in philosophical terms. Well done Mr Tiny Feet. I went low contact and have always behaved with dignity which continues. He is tied up in his ‘sadness’ and telling people that I am mad. My sense of injustice comes from that, because I was a supportive, loving wife to Mr Tiny Feet. If I was mad I would expect a long term spouse to help me, but I am totally sane (unlike TF). The mistake I made was not putting my own needs first and trusting him. He has squirreled money away while I invested every penny in the family pot (no kids). He misled me into taking steps that worked if married but not if separated/divorced. This is dishonest; he has no integrity.
    I get great inspiration from CL and CN (you are Mighty). I was a gibbering wreck but I have found my power. Mr Tiny Feet won’t like me when I’m angry and neither will Schmoopie. I expect her to be produced like a rat out of a sewer once a ‘decent period’ has gone by. I am however telling people the truth where I can without losing my dignity.
    This too will pass, and ‘I can, I will, watch me!’. The unfairness is justified and genuine, but we need to let it go.

  • Best line in the column:

    “Also, you don’t control him and you’re not responsible for what he did when you were an unknowing, trusting partner. You brought your A game. You invested. You loved. That’s what good people do, so yes, don’t delude yourself about spackling, but also recognize that YOUR life was not a lie. HIS life was a lie. Be proud of being a faithful, loving partner. Even if the object of your trust and love was utterly unworthy of it.”

  • First – great article, really needed this reminder today.

    Second – after a contentious divorce with my highly manipulative Ex and an attorney that did not have a clue about this type of personality disorder, the financial split of our marital estate was NOT 50-50 and not in my favor. After all the cheating and lies, he still ended up financially better off.

    At the time I was so devastated, but after some reflection and a lot of frustrated tears, I figured out that I “paid” to get away from him faster. He threatened to drag things out for years if I didn’t give him what he wanted, and my attorney was not there to provide adequate support for me in the mental state I was in. My therapist’s advice was “you can make more money, you can’t make more time.” At this point, I am thankfully at almost no contact (still have 2 in college).

    Life is not fair, but my life is so much freaking better without the cheater – I would make that trade a thousand times again.

  • I also felt the entire situation after Dday and GTFO day was wickedly unfair— 26 years of my life up in flames…. my kids’ innocence and security smashed. I too had to work a very high stress job after Dday and through the divorce from hell, which culminated in a week-long trial where I came out way better than I had hoped. I barely hung on to my sanity, and I mean “b a r e l y!”

    Fast forward 5 years. I’m at Meh. My rebuilt life is wonderful. I’m at peace. Kids are doing ok. Finances are great. Career is great. Health is great. I’m in a healthy relationship with a partner who is a mensch.

    Part of Meh is that I no longer believe or think those thoughts about how unfair it all was. It happened and X caused it. I will never agree or approve of what he did, but I accept reality. Life is still worth living and I intend to live my best life and am doing so. I’m happy.

    Hang on chumps…. you’ll get to Meh too. No contact, getting divorced, and TIME will transport you here. It takes years but we’ll be waiting for you.

      • karenb6702–

        I’ll buy the six-pack and we’ll get there together ✌️

        CN is amazing. Thanks Motherchumper99 & Velvet Hammer

      • Karenb6702, I’ll walk with you. You are going to make it to the Land of Meh. I might need some help along the way too!

        • I’ll be there holding your hand 33 💚 every step of the way

          Be proud to get there with you notBlue
          Might need a few 6 packs though 😀

  • A few years ago I was sitting in a therapist’s office (a therapist I fired) and I was wondering the same thing. How is this fair? How is it fair that he gets to steamroll my feelings, my heart, and our relationship, throw me out of sight and out of mind, and is somehow rewarded with his new schmoopie and a facebook full of heart emojis and support of friends who believe his bullshit and lies, while I have to be here miserable, picking up the pieces of my heart?

    She said “Well no one said life was going to be fair.”

    Ok mom. (This woman was a terrible therapist. And when I fired her, I told her exactly why.)

    I wasn’t looking for someone to tell me life is supposed to be fair. I was looking for the validation that his actions were not. Sometimes, that’s what is needed. To have the feelings of injustice validated.

    It’s not that “life isn’t fair get over it.” It’s yes, what he did was wrong. No, it is not fair that he gets to slap on a facade of being a good guy and gets rewarded with a new family and adoration on social media, when everything he has is ill-gotten and involved crushing someone else. No, that isn’t fair.

    It’s not a matter of “life” not being fair either. This is something he chose to do. He didn’t have to. Even more unfair.

    So yeah, it’s not fair. It’s completely unfair. And you’re allowed to be angry about it. Go ahead and stomp your feet and say it’s not fair. You might want to make sure your kids or neighbors can’t hear you but it isn’t fair.

    Sometimes getting angry as hell is what you need to propel you forward. That’s what worked for me. I got angry as hell and decided to stop listening to the bullshit about forgiveness and letting it go and being zen. I refused to be tranquil about a massively unfair injustice done to me. Anger got me further than forgiveness did. Some people don’t deserve your tranquility.

    • It’s an extra shit sandwich when the cheater isn’t outwardly a loser with no friends, unstable job, etc…..my cheater was handsome, charming, military, educated, athletic, and the life of the party. He also had a double life….he”worked” out of town during the week. Even when I show proof, some people can’t believe the life he led all those years, it’s more comfortable for them to let me go than him. It’s taken me years to get to the point that I can let these people go. Without the anger I’d be listening to the be friends for the children crowd”…….it’s just more abuse.

      • Hope Springs, I told my lawyer that STBX is a stellar citizen on paper. Add to the mix he is a disabled veteran and the Switzerland Friends can’t believe you are leaving him when he needs you so much. The ones who love me, believe me. He is an abusive man who is only nice to me when others were watching. You know your truth. I know the truth. He sucks!

      • I believe there needs to be space to be able to get angry. In literally any breakup situation. Be it divorce because of cheating (especially if it’s divorce from cheating) or just a breakup for other reasons. You need to have the space to get angry. Anger propels you forward.

        I don’t mean like, slash their tires revenge kind of angry, but the kind of angry that helps you assert your boundaries that yes, what was done to you was wrong and no, you do not have to be friends for the sake of the kids or anyone for that matter. Anger reminds you that you are not obligated to be nice to the people who abused you. Anger reminds you what abuse is.

        I think there’s a lot of toxic positivity out there that invalidates a lot of real feelings more than it does any good (hence it being “toxic” positivity.) The idea that you have to just accept, be calm, be zen, forgive “fOr yurSelF nOt FoR ThEM” bullshit. No. You don’t have to forgive people who abuse you, you don’t have to forgive people who lie to you, and getting angry is a normal reaction to being cheated on and lied to.

        Dunno if you’re a fan of the movie Inside Out, but Joy is always trying to shove Sadness aside and get her out of the way and make sure she’s never seen or heard. But Sadness has a very important purpose. Sadness needs to be seen and understood because it’s impossible to just keep shoving those feelings down. It tells us something is wrong. It tells others that something is wrong. We can’t be happy all the time. It’s not human.

        I think anger has a similar purpose. Joy says “Smile! Forgive! Choose happy! FOR THE KIDS!”
        Anger stomps in and says “No, this is bullshit. You should NOT put up with this and you shouldn’t have to! I’m turning on the boundary valve at full blast!!! No more of this!”

        • Forgiveness is highly overrated. Most cheaters are NOT sorry for their toxic duplicitousness, so why should we feel the onus is on us to forgive them? Forgiveness can only come after the perpetrator apologizes, takes the blame, makes amends, offers longstanding goodwill, and never repeats immoral behaviour. We’re looking at years, not months to reach reach a state of true and deep forgiveness. Some of us never get there. I have not and in all probability will never forgive my cheater ex-husband. I am OK with it.

          • Oh I’m never going to forgive either abuser. One of them happened over ten years ago. I don’t care. I don’t have to forgive him as long as I live.

            The way I see it is you offer forgiveness to the people you want back in your life. The people who have a place in it, and deserve that space. You forgive, you work through.
            (I usually limit that to two chances though. If I get an apology and I offer forgiveness, and the same shit happens again, it’s over. Goodbye for good. Get out. The best indicator of a sincere apology is changed behavior.)

            I don’t want either abuser ex back in my life, they don’t belong there, they aren’t welcome. I don’t have to forgive them. I’ll take that anger to the grave for all I care. I don’t need to forgive people who aren’t welcome in my life.

          • yeah, the whole “forgiveness” jive is really draining…especially when it comes from people who should (and sometimes do) know better

            all Betrayed Spouses are on a journey to a (hopefully) better future, but I am stunned by the number of folks who not only deeply uncomfortable with the idea that two parents will NOT be “friends” because ONE of them repeatedly betrayed the other, for years on end, and only stopped because they got caught & ejected

            and then they are get even MORE uncomfortable when you listen politely to their “just universe” theories (it all happened for a reason, you’ll find someone else, etc) and respond as you would in any other polite conversation

            “…sure, i’m with you there: everything does happen for a reason. In this case, the reason for our divorce is that I busted her fucking several different people in motel rooms while I was doing all the parenting”

            “No, that’s n-n-n-not what i m-m-meant”

            “Oh, gosh. I am sorry. Let’s try again. What, exactly, did you mean?”

            “Just uhh, that, ummm like, there c-c-could be a silver lining–”

            “Mmm…unteresting:you could be right. But what kind of “silver” should I be looking for, if you know? Because I can tell you her behaviors have landed our kids in demographic pool that has addiction and suicide rates ~40% higher than your kids.”

            “Errr, I dunno. I’ve never, like, b-b-been through a divorce…”

            “And that’s fine, it’s not much fun. But look: you’re doing what you can: offering counterproductive advice in the form of cliches you haven’t even bothered to think through. That’s what friends are for, right?”

            “Hey! Maybe the silver lining of MY divorce is our collective discovery of how bad YOU are at thinking and talking.”

            stay mighty people!

            • ☝️THIS post is EVERYTHING!

              Keep tellin it like it is FSW. (I am borrowing some of these lines for the silver lining suburban PTA mommies I have to deal with all the time.

              • All yours to use, F & L!

                Another record-scratch that stops them in their tracks is:

                “As you can surely infer, my spouse did all of this without my consent…so just make sure the words you choose would be appropriate to say to a sexual assault victim, which I am. Anyhoo sorry, you were explaining to me how my healing choices are making you uncomfortable…”

                like so many of us, i have been bowled over the variety of people’s responses

                but as always the best, most supportive ones

                are the truncated, befuddled shock of regular people rendered borderline-speechless by such an awful thing intentionally perpetrated on their friend

                and feel no need to “control” the situation or “direct” the conversation towards a Hallmark card or some namaste wisdom they once heard in their yoga teacher’s tofu farts

                but, instead, simple sit with you react naturally, which usually looks something like this

                “Oh…wow. I mean…fuck. Holy shit.”

                “Wait, WHAT?! Oh God, why? So dumb. Fuck.”

                “Jesus. Fucking animal. Goddamn”

                stay mighty, folks!

        • Have a look at Chump Lady’s column about forgiveness:

          https://www.chumplady.com/2018/07/fairy-dust-forgiveness-4/

          In it she quotes Archbishop Desmond Tutu: “But the process of forgiveness also requires acknowledgement on the part of the perpetrator that they have committed an offence”

          I aspire to Chump Lady’s version of forgiveness: “I don’t wish them dead. I wish to disengage. I want peace in my life”

        • The only one you need to forgive is yourself. That was the hardest thing for me to do as I was raised by Narcs and co-dependent’s, so of course, my go-to reaction is that it was all my fault, and I didn’t work harder to fix things.

          I’ve decided that I did as best I could do, with the information and resources I had to work with. It’s NOT my fault that XAss decided to lie, cheat and treat me with disdain. That’s all on him. The only ‘mistake’ I made was putting up with it for so long.

          Most of our joint friends never even bothered to ask me what was going on. ONE mutual friend responded with a logical comment after I mentioned to him why I left XAss. He said, “Gee, I thought that relationship (the AP moving in 3 months after I left) happened rather quickly.”

  • I lived with this for a long time….burning rage for being not only defrauded by a con man, but left to clean up the mess.
    I was one of the lucky ones, I did waste 20 years of my life but my kids were 17&23 when he finally left us for mistress number 4 ( or 5, he hooked up with her twice over the years). He literally walked out the door and started a new life with her in the blink of an eye, never looked back and only had anything to do with us when he was trying to grease the wheels of our settlement.
    My kids cut him off immediately and I became their only parent. He moved in with her and the new kids and left the house, our family, everything behind and started over. My settlement was fair, I’m very happy with what I left with, but he’s by no means suffering financially or living on the street because of me and there has been no karma bus. He basically threw a match onto our life and his only punishment is he’s a little lighter in the wallet. Like I said,, the kids don’t talk to him but he uses that to his advantage too, tells people basically that we consciously uncoupled and I brainwashed the kids into hating him and now he’s just living his new life waiting for the kids to return to him…🤮
    I ended up with our house, landed on my feet, got a few dogs I love and a yummy new fiancée and I’m happy.
    That being said I struggle with what it means that I still feel rage about him. Like there’s no meh if you hate him.
    I love my life, but I feel rage over:
    That I was conned all those years
    That my kids were hurt
    That the mistress is awful and acts gloating and entitled to have just hijacked my family.
    That he abandoned us and felt NOTHING unless it was financial
    That 5 years later I still feel this way
    That there has been no karma bus to hit him.
    Like…he’s planning his wedding. My ex mother in law is out shopping for wedding dresses with the whore that had an affair with my husband.
    They are celebrated for their awfulness, where’s the justice?

    Look, my sweet fiancée has renewed my faith in good men and I love him to the moon, but dickheads like my ex that walk away scott free is like a drunk driver running you over and getting off on a paperwork technicality. It is an anger that I can’t work through….no justice for the good guy.

    Rant over, thanks everybody. This post today just woke something in me.

    • I think what you said about a drunk driver walking away scott free is how I feel. Your kids are older than mine so that turned out well for you. My Ex who wanted nothing to do with our children while married, told the kids the AP was going to be new mommy. He fought for custody because his plan was to just replace me with AP being the kids new mommy. I got a small piece of Karma when AP left him 6 months after our divorce finalized that was 6 months ago and he’s already on to the next woman trying to play family with her and our kids. I sit here alone!

      They blow your life apart, steal money, inflict abuse and use your children to continue to torment you. Legal system “No Crime Committed”. All the above would be a crime in any other scenario. I think that’s why the injustice feels so big.

    • My grown kids see their dad and new wife now and then, but tell me they have no respect for him. I too wonder if the anger lessens me, but damn…..my entire life was turned upside down. I didn’t work outside the home for 27 years. Even with spousal support( which is hard not to still feel dependent) and working customer service at grocery store, I am the one with all the consequences. Can’t even think about dating, and frankly ( though people tell me I’m attractive), no one’s looking.

  • I must admit that I can’t think too much about the unfairness of it all because it still burns me (and probably always will – hopefully the intensity will continue to fade). In many cases I feel like I wasted so much time, energy, and money thinking I was doing the right thing. The way my cheater treated me and our kids is mind blowing. The scars will be there forever. It also saddens me that as bad as mine was that many others here were treated even worse (what does that say about humanity).

    I am really trying not to think too much about it. Talking about it used to be cathartic for me but I find now that it just frustrates me to talk too much about it. People expect that once you are out of the situation that it is done and over. I am trying to focus on creating a good life but it is not a straight trajectory. I thought I was on an amazing uphill swing and have hit a downturn. I am beginning to realize that I must choose to not look backwards and just trudge forwards. Things change as much as we sometimes don’t want them too. Some change is for the better some isn’t. Hugs to everyone.

  • It’s not fair, but as CL said, all you can do is keep driving on. I divorced my wife of seven years for cheating on me for the first half of this year. She’s getting alimony of $425 a month after cheating and leaving. She’ll get it for 28 months. 28 months I have to work extra shifts to pay her. 28 months I can’t enjoy a full weekend ever. However, I’m going to find a real relationship with a trustworthy person. She’s no more likely to make it work with the next dude than she is me.

  • In order to get rid of him I agreed to take on about $200,000 of debt he ran up, except for the fucking $60,000 car he bought himself just before D day. THAT I forced him to take on the loan for but all the rest – I took it. (Bear in mind I only made a little more than him and I had both my boys at home with me. No child support, no nothing). He took the camper and XXXX in cash to buy him out the house and I took on a $350,000 mortgage at age 53. Then he gets invalided out of his job because of bipolar and ALL his loans he took out at the credit union (about $80,000) get wiped out by insurance. In the meantime, before his invalidity money comes through I pay his rent, and EVERYTHING just to keep him going for almost a year just so he won’t turn up on my door in the middle of February because he’s been kicked out of his house – and we were already divorced. So yeah, it sticks in my throat. BUT 10 years later I’ve paid off the mortgage and all the debt and he’s looking for a job, despite the fact that his pension is double mine and Schmoopie works. They will never make it. They will always be lazy and they will always screw up. As for your inheritance, like the others say please get proper advice on this. And if you can, can you figure out any amounts he spent on schmoopie out of marital assets. Everything helps. Good luck. It isn’t fair but you will come out of this stronger and happier!

  • I don’t think you need to get over the feelings of unfairness. What he did was unfair. You’re only 2 months after chucking him out of the home. Right now you are probably alternating between sobbing uncontrollably and explosive rage. You have a LOT to process. It’s okay to yell and scream about it (but not in front of the kids. You can be honest with the kids, but you need to model sanity and resilience).

    Down the road, once you settle into your new life, you’ll still see what he did as unfair. That doesn’t go away. What does go away is the centrality of the unfairness. You’ll have left your cheater and gained a life. That life will be very full because you don’t have to deal with a cheater. You’ll get there. Probably on a Tuesday.

    In the meantime, take steps to assert your agency. If you haven’t sought legal advice, do so. A solicitor can best tell you whether or not your inheritance is marital property (in the US, inheritance isn’t automatically marital property unless it has been “co-mingled,” such as being part of a down payment for a home, in which case only the amount used toward the down payment comes into play). Do not accept anything your STBXH tells you as being accurate legal information.

    Seek out a therapist for support. You’ll appreciate having someone in your corner.

    You can do this!

  • QOS- My heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel-the unfairness of it all, from the trauma to the kids, to the fact that he gets to model behavior you are probably trying to teach them is wrong, to having to GIVE HIM HALF YOUR INHERITANCE (that is so terribly, maddeningly unfair). I have to admit that some chaos caused by cheaters can continue because he will be a likely force working against you as you try to parent, but he was likely a force working against you while you were married you were just spackling over it. So at least there will be less of that. And use the fact that some have it even worse to remind yourself to embrace your own life, but never use it to guilt trip yourself for your anger (and don’t let anyone else do that). I still wonder if you can’t fight the legal issue of the inheritance. You know, in California, that used to also be the case, regardless of what the ex-spouse did, like abuse, etc. There is a book called “Dance with the Devil” that is a true account of a woman whose husband was pretending to be someone else from day 1 and eventually tried to kill her. He was thrown in jail but was going to be awarded half of her inheritance and she was gong to have to pay him alimony because she actually had a job and his was fake. But she lobbied to change the law and got it changed. Anyway, it’s a good read for a chump and also I imagine there is a loophole somewhere for you. My dad’s sometimes annoying obsession with legal details protected me in that way because he wrote every penny he ever gave us out as a loan with 0.1% interest so sparkle turd had to pay HIM back for the money he gave us to help buy a house. (He then released me from the loan : )). Maybe there is a way out of this for you. Hugs and girl power to you!

  • Dear Queen of Spackle:
    My ex did the same thing. After his affair with our 23 year nanny ( 3 kids, married 17 years)
    he went after my inheritance from my father. He fully knew he wasn’t entitled to it and knew
    it wasn’t his. I was the executor of my father’s will in 2011. I spent thousands of dollars
    tracing the money to prove it was never co-mingled with his his during the marriage. He finally gave up.
    I am nearly two years out and it still is unfair and still hurts. My ex currently is in India for 3 weeks and the way our custody agreement is worded he gets to leave the kids with his nanny/girlfriend during his custody time– I wanted all the kids to stay with me. I was unable to prevent it now, and now I have to text and email his nanny/OW/girlfriend so I can stay in touch with my kids. Its infuriating and I am debating taking him to court to get that changed so the kids will stay with me while he is engaged in extensive international travel.

    • Try to negotiate right of first refusal such that if he can’t personally look after the kids he has to ask you first if you will take them before he can ask somebody else (even someone he lives with). I thought this was typical boiler plate in agreements but evidently not.

      • My attorney told me I did not want first right of refusal in my agreement- my ex doesn’t work and would have them every minute they are out of school. She also said I didn’t have to give the kids to anyone I didn’t feel safe turning them over to “Affair Partners, Etc.”. They said visitation is for “him” I wouldn’t have given the kids to his affair partner and told him to take me to court. If the kids get hurt while he isn’t in the country; she has no legal rights to get them medical care. I would fight that BS! I have seen all the BS my ex pulls and the legal system does nothing, get a good attorney and shut that shit show down.

    • Right of first refusal (for any overnight not with a close blood relative) is critical. My XW is in India for 2 weeks right now, and I get an extra week and half with my kids because of it. *everyone* should have it the custody agreement. As long as your ex doesn’t marry the AP, a standard right of first refusal should prevent the AP from getting the kids instead of you. Consult a lawyer, of course.

  • I get it and I feel you. I too wrestled with “it’s un fair, I did everything right and he did everything wrong and I am the one who got screwed financially”. Yep, in every aspect of life you can do everything right and still get screwed. You may find yourself in another position where you do everything right, and get screwed. You have choices here. You can continue to wallow and be the victim, or, at some point in the not so distant future, you can (and will) dust yourself off, and proceed to reframe how you think about your life, and think less about what someone else ( you ex) has in relation to what you have.

    You are in control now. What is it you would like to do with your life? What legacy do you want to pass on to your children? Dedicate your time and energy to living the life you wanted. No partner right now? No problem, work on becoming a whole, happy, grateful, satisfied person without a partner. It may take a few years, some tears, and living in someone’s basement for a while ( been there ), but that kind of person, one who has their shit together, is waaaaay more attractive as a mate than a hurt puppy. You may even find that being single suits you. Maybe Mr. Right is browsing for vegetables at the supermarket, or is on the birdwatching tour, or the art appreciation class, or on the hiking trip, or, or, or….The point is, you now can do literally anything that you find interesting, so grab this opportunity and live your life, you only have one to live.

  • I needed this one today. I am 2 years post separation, 1.5 years post divorce and still dealing with unsettled financial issues. I took him to court for contempt because he didn’t transfer debt out of my name a year ago like he was supposed to and purchased a $60k truck. He won! Now I am having to file bankruptcy as he stopped paying his portion of the second mortgage, but he has purchased a new home and boat with him next victim. It does seem very unfair that terrible people continue to win, but for me this is the last time and after the bankruptcy I will no longer be financially tied to him. Short term pain for long term gain. However the tens of thousands of dollars he took and didn’t take the debt he was supposed to is a bitter pill to swallow. However I recognize his character doesn’t change and the poor woman he is duping now will soon be in my shoes.

  • Really needed this today, in fact, I could have written it myself except only two kids after 22 years and am also in the UK. I’m 18 months from d day number 4, 6 months out from divorce and I feel how you describe daily. In fact, I’ve spent most of the Christmas school holiday in tears over my ‘new life’. I really struggle with the fact my youngest is ok with him despite it all. I think I might print out “Remember how long it took you to stop spackling”.

    • I understand. My kids are OK with their mom even though she blew up the family. I am the bad guy for divorcing their mother even after all her cheating and abuse. I couldn’t hold my family together anymore. This winter break it didn’t bother me as they brought up more of their mothers excuses for what she did and how bad I was (in their mother’s eyes). It’s unfair, but nothing I can do about it as they defend their mother (under her thumb).

  • I have been financially, emotionally, and professionally decimated in the last five years by abusive, adulterous, dishonest men. Hundreds of thousands of dollars lost in over 20 family court hearings, although my husband, not I, decided to leave the marriage, and my husband, not I, repeatedly broke various laws. Virtually unemployed, I am sleeping on the floor of my kids’ bedroom in our apartment. During the day, I apply for jobs and do volunteer work and study (although I have advanced degrees). I have a chronic injury, and one of my kids has special needs. My social security has been wiped out due to some strange laws that I cannot change. In my fifties, my ex-husband flies around the world not only for work but also (separate from work) for rendezvous with his many lovers. Meanwhile, I am going to work at a food pantry in exchange for food. (I don’t want to beg.) Yet he complains that life’s not fair and prepares for his next hearing against me or other people he manipulates and cons. I no longer ask why life’s not fair nor wait for ‘Karma.’ I now focus on how to help my kids (and other innocents) survive. A change of focus helps a bit.

    • RSW, you are right. The valuable things; our love, our attention, our values, cannot be bought or sold. Those are the real treasures in life.

  • I am sorry you had to join our club but happy that you found us. It IS unfair and one if the things it took me the longest to grapple with, but remember that you DO NOT DESERVE IT. I wish you well.

  • Nothing about my divorce has been fair: he was unfaithful, the court said I had to leave the house, he’s probably going to get half of my retirement, and he’s dragging out the legal process to increase my legal fees. I’m angry, and I still cry because of it, but each time, it’s a little less. When all this is over, I may struggle to get back on my feet. I’ve worked hard all my life; I’ll make it. But, these three things I know—someone greater than me will be his final judge, karma does exist, and he will no longer be part of my life. For that, I am grateful.

  • So sorry to hear what you’re going through. Looking after three kids alone and working is hard. I am an English family lawyer and he is not automatically entitled to half your inheritance. He may be but it depends on the overall circumstances of the case. It sounds like your financial needs are greater than his as you have the children living with you so that should be taken into account. I’m sure you have already done it but make sure you get some independent legal advice.

  • Queen…I think we all have felt the HUGE unfairness of cheaters. In my case, my house was supposed to be paid off June of 2016. I had to refinance to get his name off of it and down to a payment I could afford. It now will be paid off 2043. I was supposed to be retired by now but will have to continue working indefinitely.
    I have went without companionship and sex since he left. I eat all my dinners alone and haven’t opened a Christmas present on Christmas morning in YEARS. Ditto for my birthday.

    Every single thing the cheater has done for skank woman, NO ONE did for me. When it dumps snow or something breaks in the house I’m the one that figures out what to do. If my car breaks down on the freeway, I call AAA.

    Nothing is fair with these shit sandwiches we’ve all been served and I’m sorry for everyone experiencing this.

    • Sending you (( hugs )) Chumptydumpty

      I spent Christmas alone for the first ever time this year . No presents and I had a pot of noodles for Christmas dinner . I will never see my nieces again and I’ve seen them since they were born

      I’m completely alone yet they skip off into the sunshine without a look back or a care in the world . My ex has broke my trust in everyone I was so close to his family yet I’ve never heard a word from any of them .

      It’s so not fair when you live up to your vows that I took in-front of that people and they’ve welcomed his pregnant AP in with open arms

      There is no justice in the world none at all . And I’ve yet to see any sign of it ever

      • I’m sorry, Karenb. That sounds terrible. I hope by next year you’ve found a group of orphans to spend important holidays with. I still have parents and sisters, but without them it would have been very strange to spend a family day alone like that.

        Maybe we ought to organize orphan holidays for CN. I need to get on the reddit group…

        • karenb6702,
          I spent Christmas all alone too as far as human companionship goes (I did fortunately have my two dogs with me who continue to be my greatest source of joy). It nearly destroys me to know that my cheater brought OW to our hometown (yet again) to celebrate Christmas. I envisioned them having a wonderful time with his family (aka MY in-laws!) while I sat around solo like the discarded piece of trash he rendered me. I can’t keep waiting for justice, the karma bus, or anything like that. Still not quite sure how to “get over it”/move on, but I certainly am only hurting myself emotionally by expecting him (and her) to have to pay for selfish actions. That’s most likely not ever going to happen. Their behavior has been validated by the willingness of others to accept them as a couple. Being deemed disposable hurts beyond description. I’m going to do some sort of volunteer work on the next significant holiday though rather than spend it weeping all day about the loving relationship which is no longer there (and apparently was a facade anyway).

  • ‘……but also recognize that YOUR life was not a lie. HIS life was a lie’. So true.

    When I was told by him in no uncertain terms that our relationship had been awful. If I recall his exact words were ‘I don’t know how you can think it’s been a pleasant experience’ as if building a life together and having kids is a walk around the park on a Sunday afternoon.

    For ages I kept thinking was it really awful and I was spackling? Therapist keeps asking me same thing. I wasn’t unhappy. OK with the benefit of hindsight I may have cause for concern and by god our relationship wasn’t perfect but then who’s is. But truly I was happy and able to see the good that outweighed the bad . And that’s not a lie. So looking back, at least we were having a good time. He sent me a text a few months prior to D Day when he was being a massive a-hole and he said he stayed with me cause the good outweighed the bad. Liar liar and his flaming lies, he’d been having an affair for about six months at that stage. They are lunatics.

  • Queen, my commiserations. But not all is necessarily lost, re: inheritance. In a recent Court of Appeal ruled that inherited assets received shortly before the breakdown of the marriage are less likely to be included in the matrimonial assets for division, depending on whether the other assets are sufficient to meet the couple’s or family’s future needs. If you are the main breadwinner and provider for the Kids, there is a good possibility that a skilled solicitor may find a way to get you a better deal than 50-50. See https://www.bbc-law.co.uk/legal-news/inheritance-and-divorce/ and do go and consult a good solicitor.

  • I’m very sorry for you, Queen. I’ve fought with this feeling of unfairness quite some time. My x-wife fell in love with a wonderful guy she used to dance with. I mean he was in couple with a woman with cancer but, you know, he had such beautiful eyes… So. true love…

    Yoga helped me a lot. Really. I’m a very down to earth guy, atheist, scientist, Cartesian, you name it. I think it’s yoga which helped me the most, not only the practice, also (even mostly) the philosophy. I recommend you the excellent book ‘the untethered soul’ by Michael singer, recommended to me by the first yoga teacher I met. It’s very pragmatic, and explains how our brain works and can sometimes drive us crazy, or how we sometimes create our own unhappiness. It doesn’t make the world fair, but it helped me understand how I reacted to unfairness and, to a point, not be submerged by my reaction to something which happened and cannot be undone. Not a miracle cure but substantial help.

    Then the second yoga teacher I met once read us a short poem by the Poet Rumi. I don’t remember it but the last verse was “nothing’s promised”. Which is true, basically, and little can be done about that. There is wisdom in this philosophy which I find helpful, quite simple, focused on acceptance. It doesn’t say you should stop living, be an ermit or anything. It gave me a new perspective, helped me move on from what happened to me and my kids, and is actually helpful in my life, my work, my relationship to my kids, family, friends, colleagues. It helped me reconquer my mental real estate (that war is not over, but this is no small victory!) So maybe that can help you.

    Best wishes

  • I get angry when I hear of chumps who wasted their best years with these shits.
    To anyone thinking of sticking around for it to get better… Don’t! Cause it doesn’t get better.
    I have yet to read about a chump declaring that their cheating spouse has become a better person. That is because they don’t change.

  • just remember this about social media: you are comparing his highlights to your every day. those are snapshots in time posted for sole purpose of image management. and remember he has not changed except for the worse. if he has a conscious, he is living with shame. that is a much harder emotion to recover from than a broken heart. nevertheless, you were the hero in the marriage. my therapist gave me great advice – stop believing what he ‘says” – he can’t be trusted. show children your love. they just want to feel safe and trust you. hugs!

  • You know what’s justice? He will forever be a low down, no good liar and cheater to our friends, family and his coworkers. Your true character is revealed by the choices you
    make and the promises you keep. What you say and do defines who you are and who
    you are, you are forever.

    As Thrive above said, he is without a doubt living with shame and remorse, unless he’s Scott Peterson. That’s why he drinks. A lot. I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes for a million bucks.

  • The unfairness that I suffer is that he tells the kids lies about horrible things that I do. The thing is that I don’t do horrible things. My teenager is horrible to me because of untrue things my spouse says. I know I don’t have to defend myself but I want to shout from the rooftops. So unfair that cheater does this to us and then we have to maintain our jobs, own emotions, and then deal wit h unnecessary drama that cheater stirs up with our children. My teens don’t know that their dad is a great liar always spinning things just enough to cause a person to doubt.
    I will never hurt people the way he continually hurts our family. Just let the cheating be enough already.

    • It might be worth it not to defend yourself, but to teach your kids not to believe everything they hear. Your kids need to learn to weigh what they hear vs. what they can observe for themselves. If you are not playing his game (that is, if you are not telling the kids stuff (even true stuff) about him, there’s no reason not to say: “Look. I don’t know what your father is saying about me, and I don’t want to know. I’m here to tell you that I won’t do that to him because it’s wrong for parents to undermine each other. But I will ask you to do two things. First, if you hear something and want to know if it’s true, ask me. Second, I want you to use your own experience and your own observations when you make judgments about people, including me. I want you to learn to rely on your own good sense and observations, not on gossip or ‘what other people think’.”

  • A part of my feelings of unfairness cane in the recent realization that true love does not exist. It’s not fair that my faith and belief in love has been taken from me. I realized that if I could forgive him for lying and deceiving me and still tell him I wanted to reconcile with him, And for him to please stay to work it out, and that he could not forgive me for yelling at him in front of our son once (his reason for the coffin nail in our marriage) then true love definitely does not exist.

    Love is not patient, love is not kind, love does not wait. I’m left with feeling like a black hole inside of me because he chose ugly, fat, frumpy schmoopie instead of me. And for what? Because I yelled at him once? We were married 25 years. It just goes to show they truly suck. I feel like my insides must be much uglier than her outsides and it’s made me feel very bad about myself. The realization that I might be a bad person on the inside is staggering. Because I don’t really believe I am bad person. The gaslighting continues.

    He still cannot be honest with me about what happened, he still lies and, so any love that he ever had for me does not exist. The true unconditional love we gave each other When we met didn’t last on his part.

    I know its not like losing your pension, your home, your health, and I truly feel for all chumps in that horrible situation. I was able to negotiate a settlement with him where I kept the house. But truly we never had much so there wasn’t much else to divvy up. Ive lost a substantial part of my inner being , I’ve lost my soul, and it’s left me with a black hole inside of me.

    I’m trying to fill it with making new friends, going to meetings, getting out in nature, petting the cat and day (he left the pets too). I am counting on the fact that this pain is finite. I’m waiting until I hit the brick wall and the edge of this pain universe is reached. But the fact that I just came to the realization that true love is not real, I think there may be more pain to be revealed.

    • Why do you think “true love” doesn’t exist? Because you didn’t have a fairy tale ending? If you go in wanting a fantasy, you are always going to be disappointed. If your attention is focused on this one person, who is incapable of love that is “patient” and “kind” and “true.” There is love all around you–parents & kids, siblings, friends, spouses, pets and humans. You’re doing the right things but it doesn’t help if you are focused on something that doesn’t exist. I think your screen name is significant. I think you grew up, like me, wanting the fairy tale. (Hey, my childhood role model was Sleeping Beauty, so part of me grew up thinking I was just sleeping until Prince Charming came. I was as scared up as they come on this subject). There is love. But it can’t be found in a fairy tale. It can only be found by actual humans willing and able to be honest, honorable, and committed. You won’t lose anything giving up the fantasy of a fair tale. You can still enjoy romantic comedies, Disney princesses, but you will know that, like zombies, they aren’t real. I love zombie stories. But I don’t build my life around them. Fairy tales are very ancient stories, not meant to be taken literally but rather to embody psychological lessons. Bruno Bettelheim believed Cinderella was a story of sibling rivalry. Others see it as a hero’s journey, a female version of the call to adventure and the quest. But in many respects, we’ve taken the wrong message from these old stories. No one lives “happily ever after” in a world where beings are mortal. In that sense, the

      You can’t find the sort of deep, committed love you want with a man incapable of it. And to the extent that you are living in fairy tale world, you’re susceptible to the kind of love-bombing and illusion that screwed up people substitute for the hard work on loving someone. It’s not that “true love” is not real; it’s that the fairy tale you invested in is not real. You will love again. Fix that picker and find someone worthy of you and what you bring to the table.

    • “The gaslighting continues.”

      At this point, you’re in control. He can’t gaslight you. But I think sometimes that chumps just pick up the “interior” gaslighting where the cheater left off. That is, you pick up the bad messages you get from him, directly and indirectly, and you perpetuate them. What’s missing where the black hole seems to be is your self-worth. You aren’t defined by whether or not you have a relationship. And certainly you aren’t defined by his decision to bail on a marriage to find a new partner to use as a mirror.

      At some point, we have to stop thinking about what they did and why they did it. We have to focus on who we are and who we want to be going forward.

      • Some day I’d like to see research on chumps. Did they have parents who gave them conditional love? Were they made to feel unlikeable or deficient by their parents? How many have foo issues.

    • I want my fairy tale- please don’t believe his completely selfish actions had anything to do with you or that whore. It’s him. He’s a shitty person with shitty character. He didn’t choose that whore over you and it’s not because you yelled at him in front of your son. He is attempting to justify his deplorable actions and sucking at it.

      I know it’s so so hard not to take this personally because he cheated on YOU but that’s where the connection ends. Affairs are not about love. They are an escape from inner struggles, a sense of entitlement, an addiction problem, a bankrupt coping mechanism and more. Whatever got him to the point of infidelity has not been addressed or resolved. He’s still the same piece of shit with her.
      She’s not going to keep him entertained for long especially when life and reality has a profound way of punching you in the face.

      You are a completely wonderful person inside and out. That whore is more than likely inferior to you on many levels number one being she opens her legs to married men. What a skank.

      Only people who are not happy with themselves are mean to others. He’s not happy despite his facade. I know I feel my worse when I fall into that train of thought that he cheated because I wasn’t attractive enough or not good enough for him. Hell no! That’s absolutely false. The fact of the matter is he’s a moron for losing me. He is surely suffering the consequences of his actions.

  • Seven years post-divorce from a hooker-loving, sex-addicted, rich cheater, “unfairness” is a place I still go to. I brought my “A” game for 25 years, while he pretended to. When his behaviors were unveiled, I fought for 5 years to save the marriage, which could not be done unilaterally. Finding new hooker ads on his phone gave me the courage to finally file for divorce. Of course he lied during the divorce about the value of his company and other assets. My concern was him not having decision making or custody of my son (my daughter was over 18) and keeping the house for consistency. I settled for pennies on the dollar just to be done. Surprise – he disappeared into the jungle with all of the money without paying what he owed according to the settlement. He blatantly disregarded the law and cashed out all of the retirement. The unfairness ate me up.

    Fast forward 7 years. I went back to school and got my master’s degree, am starting my own practice, and have amazing relationships with my now adult children and new grandson. The financial fear is real and something I face every day. Cheater ex has zero relationship with our children – they haven’t talked to him in years and ignore all of his crazy attempts at contact. He has never even seen his own grandson or son-in-law. This week, as he frantically tried to contact my children, we saw evidence that he is “living the dream”. He appears to own a luxury “hotel” of 12 villas with an ocean view, ads with hookers and fancy cars (think James Bond style). My “unfairness” still kicked in. I’m afraid of property taxes coming up on my new little house and feeling guilty about buying a new office chair.

    Karma cracks have shown. The pictures of him (who used to be an extremely handsome, substance-free, quite sparkly turd) are horrendous. At almost 60, he looks like a weathered teen ager – think flat-billed hats, joints in his mouth, flipping off the camera, bathrobe and smoking pot in front of the Eiffel Tower (WTF?). Truly unreal. He’s aged 30 years in the last 7 since I last saw a picture of him.

    Starting over is hard. Yes, it’s unfair. I would rather be where I’m at any day, however, than be him. He has to wake up every day being himself.

  • I don’t know if this will help anyone else. But what helped me get past the unfairness of what happened was realizing how much I needed to grow and change. I’m not at all saying that “there is a reason” for what happened to any of us or that it happened to give me some lesson. I’m saying that I was on the wrong road and I didn’t understand that until I was alone on that road and decided I needed to change. There were probably a hundred other opportunities for me to learn, but I had to torch my whole life before I was ready to give up my old ways of thinking. I kept making the same bad choice over and over and now I’m done with that. What Jackass did wasn’t “fair.” But I’m very grateful for how the suffering I did changed me.

  • When I get maudlin I imagine having to being married to him again. OMG no!. Having to ‘wife’ for that lying, manipulating, fucker cheat again?. I’d rather be dumped on a deserted isle. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

  • So Queen of Spackle here – thank you CL and CN for the amazing article and the comments which have helped so much (as do all the articles and replies). I will reply to lots of them when I get a sec but, for now, thank you for helping me find my mighty. It may take some time but I know it’s there. Hugs to everyone going through this shit. Yes it sucks, but not as much as being connected to the cheating liars like we were….

  • I feel this 100% today. Stbx walked out in May, I was diagnosed with breast cancer in August. I’m having to single mom through life, since he only has our girls every other weekend, doesn’t bother with middle of the week visits. He isn’t providing any financial support, and refuses to help with ANY bills we had as a couple (I’m working with my attorney on this). I’m trying to be the best mom I can while dealing with the side effects of chemo, working full time, keeping my house together, trying to keep their lives normal.

    Tomorrow is my oldest’s birthday, and she’s with him. First time in her life I won’t see her on her birthday because he decided some internet fling/ sister of his friend was worth more than our 11 year marriage, 13 year relationship and 20 year friendship.

  • That sucks cheaters do not play fair it is only what is good for them. You got this. My douchebag found out now 5 years later cashed in kids saving bonds left to them from grandparents I am sure it seemed fair to him.

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