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Is This What Meh Looks Like?

Dear Chump Lady,

I’ve wrestled with what Meh looks like for such a long time and I wonder if I’m starting to approach it now?

I was married 17 years, been divorced 4, add about a year and a half of separation in between. I’m a mom to three kids who are now teenagers. I was a SAHM for 11 of those years and the difficulties of re-entering the workforce, juggling childcare while the kids were in elementary school, learning to be a different kind of parent than what I’d intended, and figuring out how to start approaching financial independence was completely terrifying and so intimidating. I was a wreck for a very long time, and my terror usually was expressed as fury towards him. Recently, though, my professional life has turned a corner and I’m starting to see things fall into place.

Contemplating my life, I imagined I hadn’t married him. I’m surprised to find I don’t regret it. He didn’t really add anything to my life, but he did create circumstances that have compelled me to be someone I kind of like. I don’t think I’ve felt anything for myself but fear and a low-level self-loathing for such a very long time. Now, rather than having contempt for how little I accomplish in a day, I look at my time and energy constraints and prioritize accordingly. I’m not getting as much done, but I am making the important things happen and I’m enjoying my kids a lot more.

Before he dumped our life on me and went off to live a misbegotten youth, I never said no to anything. Now (mostly thanks to years of reading Chump Lady) my boundaries are much stronger and the things I say yes to are more successful.

He’s still a pathetic little turd, but *I* don’t suck. I wouldn’t marry him again, but I don’t hate myself because I did.

Is that what Meh looks like?

Hoping It’s Tuesday

Dear Hoping It’s Tuesday,

You’re not getting much done? Girl, you navigated betrayal, divorce, single-parenting, building a career from zero to financial independence…! What did you leave off your plate? Fixing climate change? I mean, this is a stupendous amount of stupendousness.

Can every chump — wherever you are, years past it, or in the barfy early days — take a moment to APPRECIATE what a badass motherfucker you are?

Surviving this is one little portrait-in-courage at a time. Hoping, you faced daily terror and you moved forward anyway. And you summoned that bravery when you’re at your lowest, with the most responsibility heaped upon your shoulders — four young kids to take care of!

I hope your base point now isn’t lack-of-self-loathing, but real pride at how much you’ve accomplished.

He’s still a pathetic little turd, but *I* don’t suck. I wouldn’t marry him again, but I don’t hate myself because I did.

Is that what Meh looks like?

Yes. You dropped the self-blame!  You shouldn’t hate yourself for being chumped. Turds gonna do what turds gonna do.

There is a paradox of meh, in which the worst thing that ever happened (your life intersecting with his) is the catalyst some of the best things that happened — your kids and your new life. That does not make what he did okay. It’s just that, like all heroes, you had to rise to a challenge in order to test your mightiness.

It would be swell if we all had well-ordered, dull Hobbit lives, in cozy armchairs, with second breakfasts. But alas, life is full of Saurons, and sometimes we marry him, and… well, I don’t need to tell you about Doom, you lived it. We don’t get the lives we expect. But don’t all the greatest adventure stories begin with the Unexpected?

I’m single parenting four kids, Tracy. No one is writing a saga about this. Well, they should.

Boundaries? Check.

Not wearing the blame? Check.

Gaining a life and kicking ass? Check.

Hoping — I declare MEH! On a Thursday, no less.

Rock on with your bad self.

CN, what’s your state of meh?

Ask Chump Lady

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  • Sounds like she’s getting there! I am not. Discovered affair a year ago, have been divorced 8 months. I am very proud of myself, and even through the worst, I’ve always known I don’t suck. I have regrets, but I did many things right. I hate that my first reaction was pick me dancing, and that I fell for the gaslighting for a bit. I hate that I found myself begging him to dump the OW so we could keep our family together. I have a lot of ingredients to get to meh, but it still hurts so f-ing much. I hate that I loved him, I hate that I didn’t see red flags and how much he sucks and always did. I have been saying I’ll be ok, and trying to be there. But I wish things he does didn’t affect me. I share custody 50/50, and I hate it. When he had the kids this week, I found out through a mom of my kids friend during a school event that the OW moved in. And it hurts like hell. I wish it didn’t . I divorced his ass fast (at the time wasn’t even sure I wanted to, but I did it because I knew he sucks), I have been taking care of my own life, I’m even dating, I work, I do mission trips, I ran a silent auction for a charity and raising $40k for a wonderful cause (The evening was 2 days before I signed papers), I go out with friends. I Know I am really great, And he’s an asshole. Why does it hurt so much. So no, not at meh, right now sounds imposible. I haven’t even met the OW that now lives with my kids 1/2 the time. Sometimes I think I feel hate towards them, I hate that too. I hate they occupy so much time in my head. I think about writing a blog or a book to get it all out of my head, what made you right a book? Did it help your meh CL?

    • I was several years out when I started the blog and wrote a book, remarried and living in Texas. Had the time and space in my life to tackle it (space I struggle to have now). I don’t think I could’ve taken anything on when I was in the suck. It took all my energy to get out of the suck.

      • ETA, I was at meh when I wrote the book. I made this place to be the sort of support I wish I’d had when I went through it. I intended it to be a brain dump of “Hey, this is what I learned, don’t need it anymore, hope it helps you.” and it took off from there.

        Also, the RIC is awful, and I still feel like we need a counter-narrative.

        If you want to write — WRITE. Do it for you, do it for others. But you don’t get better at writing by thinking about writing. It’s butt-in-the-chair time. Do it. Flop. Rewrite. Do it again. Again. Enjoy the process. Edit. Write.

        You’ve accomplished a lot. It’s okay to not feel “meh” yet. Don’t beat yourself up. Keep going.

        • Thank you! That’s good to know, it’s probably why you wrote a great book, you had the benefit of time and perspective. And thank you so much for CN, It’s so healing. Took me a while to find the place that fit me, this is it. It’s like having a group of friends that actually know what you’re going through. Congratulations on your success, I’ll keep reading and I hope one day soon I can send you a letter of how I got to meh.

          • Dear Adriana — you’re 1 year post-discovery and 8 months post-divorce. Your grief, rage and heartbreak are normal. You’re mourning the death of a dream, the life you thought you had. Write down all your revenge fantasies. Then burn them if it makes you feel better. Be the sane parent. Perfect gray rock. (Think of it as practice for no contact, when your kids are grown.) Read, read, read the website.

            Guess I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. You can get detailed wisdom from Chump Lady and Chump Nation. Viva los chumps!

          • Dear Adriana,

            Write here and write often in this venue. You will be doing a multi-tasking feat of practicing your writing, processing through some of the bullshit left in the wake of life with a fuckwit and sharing your story and wisdom with folks who may benefit from what you have to say. You are further along than some but have a long way to go. Women and men at all stages can help and be helped. I would love to read more of your story.

    • Adriana, I know 8 months seems like forever if you are suffering, but after the s***you’ve been through you will need much longer to recover.
      And you know what, it is ok! It is ok if it takes you another year, two, three or more… or five like in my case ( I still relapse and want to kill him whenever he comes up with another idiotic idea which might affect the kids).

      The good thing is the time will move on and you will start caring less and less. This experience changed all of us and dare I say for the better.
      We are more aware of other people behaviours, have developed boundaries, discovered who our true friends are and who we are.
      I love myself now. I don’t question my choices million times over and have difficulties saying no.
      I know I can survive in horrible circumstances and thrive after.
      My ex gave me an amazing gift. He helped to create a new ME and I really like her❤️

      • Love this!!!!I was one month short of my 37th anniversary when I found out about his affair with a co-worker and immediately kicked him out and our divorce was final 7 months later. My whole life seemed to be turned upside down (do I keep my last name, do I keep the house and all the million of questions that come with this betrayal). Our only child was always a Daddy’s girl (he played while Mommy worked) and I worried about our relationship. 3 1/2 years from D day I have found peace. My daughter and I are closer than ever and she has seen the real person her father is. I was a workaholic who worked (and was encouraged to) for 80+ hours a week. My daughter has graduated and married a wonderful guy and I now work 20 hours a week and this August I will be retiring. I look 10 years younger than I did when I separated, I do what I want to do when I want to do it, I have friends that I chose, I eat what I want, I do things I never imagined I would or could do and I don’t have to worry about what and who he is doing. Life does get better!!!!!

        • This is beautiful! All that work you did to let him stay home. Now it’s paid off in spades while you develop the relationship with your daughter. You work less, look better, do what you want. And when you retire you can spend time with daughter, possible grand babies and do WTF you want. Talk about gaining a life. I’m proud of you.

    • Journaling has helped me a ton. It sounds like you’re doing the right things, but it just takes time. Think of it as detoxing—you’re in recovery and it’s normal to have nasty withdrawal symptoms, but it’s all part of the process. So just give yourself time to heal. When it’s open-ended, it feels never-ending, but the pain does end. {hugs}

    • Re the OW moving in, I know that you don’t want her near your babies (who does ?) but if you are seeing it as some kind of proof of her specialness or true love (which she probably does) just remember cheaters are cheap and lazy and ex isn’t gonna take the time to introspect and Ask himself if he’s ready, he’s just gonna do what’s convenient for him so that he’s got a new wife appliance to keep the ball rolling after the last one grew some boundaries and kicked him to the curb. After only 8 months please ask your self if you are genuinely ready to date or just perhaps wanting to prove something to yourself and/or others. You’re mighty but you need time to heal to be available for a good relationship . You are mighty!

    • Adriana, You are only one year out. I am almost 3 years out and whilst I have been at 90% meh for about half that time I think we always carry the battle scars. We can’t undo what happened to us but that’s okay.
      I don’t want another relationship but then I am older. For the younger people this relationship has hopefully refined out picker and that includes boundaries, awareness and red flag sightedness.
      You will get to Meh one day.

    • I so get where you are at!
      I am 8 months out of the house. In the beginning of the divorce process and I still feel a lot of rage and anger. Then sadness. I do NOT regret leaving. I would NOT go back, but I miss the person I thought he was. I get mad at myself for feeling this way as I logically know he is a jerk. He went off and had an affair and broke the vows he made to me. He lied and lied and lied. Then We reconciled, and a year later, her did it again.
      I am thankful for the strength this journey has given me to stand up for myself. To not ignore my gut instincts (which I did for too long) and to handle my shit.
      But I get it.
      I WANT TO BE AT MEH.
      I am not there many times. I have days where I feel like I might be. Then I have to communicate with him about the kids, and I realize I am not really totally there.
      I wonder sometimes if this is just how it is. And the meh time will get longer and longer, the angry sad time will be shorter and shorter.

      • Yes, Stephanie, the angry/sad cycles will become shorter with the passage of time. Speaking from experience, I went through the same emotional roller coaster after my wife left (to pursue a relationship with her AP; a married coworker). Early on, the emotional peaks and valleys were frequent and extreme. But now I’m almost 2 years out from the discard and, I believe, close to Meh. I’m not there yet, but I’ll be there soon enough. And you’ll get there too. Give it time.

        By the way, I still think of my ex-wife. Mind you, I don’t pine for her, nor do I dwell on my thoughts, but she comes to mind (with a sense of sadness and/or anger) at some point nearly every day. After 17 years together, she lied, manipulated, cheated and stole, and yet I still miss her to some degree…or, as you eloquently put it, I miss the person I thought she was.

  • “True forgiveness is when you can say thank you for that experience”. Read a LOT on forgiveness when I first found out. Was struggling so much with the pain. Not to mention that cheaterpants piled on by telling me I wasn’t capable of forgiveness (classic blame shifting…🙄). I read this quote above by Oprah (I think) and was like ‘no effing way!’ But here I am, 7 years later and much like Happy, I’m kicking butt and taking names. Much of that has to do with learning how to set boundaries (thanks CL!) and ‘gaining a life’. Sometimes, not always, I get close to being grateful for that horrible experience for who it helped me to become. Don’t get me wrong, I would never go back (well maybe, if only to correct the mistakes I made when I was being emotionally ripped apart), but sometimes I now see it as a blessing in disguise.

    Welcome to Meh Happy.

    • It’s SO astonishing that a cheater should feel entitled to “forgiveness”!!
      That for sure is not a mandate in reaching meh. To me that just sounds like wasted mind & heart space.
      Moving on does not require consideration of the cheaters’ feelings & emotions.
      This is the time for focusing & rebuilding of the chump’s world – heart & soul.
      Buh bye cheater! No time for you!

    • XAss would rage at me until I apologized for whatever perceived slight he was bitching about. Then he’d tell me that “my apologies weren’t sincere.” Made me want to clock the self-centered entitled idiot… Gee, I thought that I had reached ‘Meh’, but I guess not quite there yet, still on the outskirts…..

    • Nope. I don’t believe that “true forgiveness is when you can say thank you for the experience.” At no point in life EVER will I be thankful for the shitstorm of betrayal. If that is that bar for forgiveness, I don’t even want to reach it. Am I happy with my life now? Yep. Do I wish to undo it and go back to before? Nope. I learned a lot through it and I think I’ve been able to help others through similar experiences as a result There are people who have forgiven people who killed their family members or sexually assaulted them. Thank you for the experience? I call BS. Forgiveness doesn’t require thankfulness. I’ve forgiven. I no longer wish bad things on him for the betrayal. That’s enough.

      • I have no idea what ‘forgiveness’ means. None. Does it mean it is ok to have abused us? How can that ever be ok? Even if we ‘learned’ something from the betrayal there must have been less traumatic ways to learn things.

        All I know was that he was my partner and he stabbed me in the back. I have moved on. But what he did will never be ok.

        • Much discussion of forgiveness in Chump Nation. Points agreed upon:

          (1) Forgiveness does not mean what he/she/they did is OK. You were wronged.

          (2) Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. You can forgive and still cut her/him/them from your life. See “no contact” and “gray rock.”

          (3) The ultimate aim of forgiveness is “meh,” when he/she/they no longer clutter your precious headspace. It takes time. There are formulas, X number of months-to-meh for Y number of relationship years. No exact formula, it varies with everyone.

  • Your living your life now, your being truthful with yourself. Your ex made their choices. That was their choice. They have to live with their actions.
    Meh to me is having boundaries, cheaters made their choices, don’t come to me looking for sympathy.

    • “People pay for what they do, and more for what they allow themselves to become. And they pay for it, very simply, with the lives they lead.”

  • You, darling, are Mighty!
    Fan-bloody-tastic.
    You did this, all this good, and nobody but you can take the credit.
    Nice work.

  • ❤️. My state of meh – knowing he is a turd, loving my boundaries, being ok with telling people no….especially to their bad behavior, being more than comfortable in my own skin, rocking my self confidence, encouraging others to do the same, and knowing that the karma train is coming for the wrong doers but I don’t have to be the conductor….they are the ones driving the karma train. This is a great “Mighty Tuesday Message“! ❤️💪

  • “I look at my time and energy constraints and prioritize accordingly”.

    Getting to the point where I could do that, was quite an accomplishment. It was a major milestone for getting to meh!

    Prior to this I usually was in one of two completely different states…can’t-sit-still crazy busy or a can’t-get-off-the-couch procrastinating slob.

    Hoping It’s Tuesday, you say that you don’t get as much done? I’m willing to bet that you do! I felt the same way whenever I got to my point of consistency. It was definitely true that my productiveness was a lot less per day. However this wasn’t the case when looking at productiveness for the week or month.

    After accomplishing this milestone, it almost felt like I should have been doing more. When I caught up with and kept up with my projects at work, I realized that consistency works the best for me. I won’t get as much done as I did those days I was in a mad scramble, but I won’t have to deal with the burnout that happens after it.

  • Being chumped and getting to Meh, like every great story ever written, is the Hero’s Journey
    (Joseph Campbell).

    You have certainly done it….the last stage of which is to return and share with the.tribe what you have learned.

    So many similarities, up until when your story gets good again. I am hoping the similarities between us will continue as I keep climbing out of this Godawful mess.

    THANK YOU for lighting the way and giving me my dose of hope today.

  • SouthernChump nailed it:

    “My state of meh – knowing he is a turd, loving my boundaries, being ok with telling people no….especially to their bad behavior, being more than comfortable in my own skin, rocking my self confidence, encouraging others to do the same, and knowing that the karma train is coming for the wrong doers but I don’t have to be the conductor….they are the ones driving the karma train. This is a great “Mighty Tuesday Message“!”

    Eyup, that’s about it for me too.

    I’m only here for the donuts. Also because the RIC is still alive and well and must be destroyed.

  • Dear HIT congrats and I’m hoping that your narrative will become part of my future!

    I’m 12 months from DDay and spending so much energy on trying to separate myself from Dr Narc and the constant shit storm I don’t have much left for “gaining a new life”. That along with the inability to get any of his shit to stick is doing my head in – that man is Teflon!!

    Hoping with the kids back to school I can get a job, sell the house, agree to a financial agreement, find a new home, settle the kids and stay sane…..

  • Wish I was there too, after 5 months (only 3 since discovering the affair). He left before I knew what had been going on. Now being harassed to make decisions that I really don’t want to have to make yet. It’s all very scary. It’s good to read about the people who have made it on here. Gives me hope.

    • Hang in there. The early days are very hard. And it is scary–I used to be terrified of sleeping in a house by myself, but not anymore after going through this s**t. Surround yourself with true friends and put your head down if you work to distract yourself during the day. This is your journey and don’t let anyone else tell you what or how to feel. This isn’t linear, and you will find some days harder than others, especially as the divorce spaghetti is being strained. There is so much hope on the way to Meh & you will get there.

      There are big decisions to make, so be sure you have a great lawyer. If you don’t, FIRE them & get a new one. Don’t let bad representation lead to other regrets down the road. Trust your gut–brighter days ahead.

      • Thank you so much for the advice. I do have good legal support. I have had a batch of anniversaries very close together plus Christmas and that has been heard. Having to deal with him at all is difficult. I need to detach but the cruel, deliberately hurtful comments are cutting. I know I have to hang on in there but I look forward to not caring.

    • You are very early days yet. Don’t expect Meh a couple of months after you tell your Cheater to take a hike. For any Chump who’s still in the midst of divorce proceedings, negotiating custody agreements, haggling over the financial settlement–you can’t be Meh until all of that has settled.

      In the world of Meh, your cheater is no longer central to your life. Unfortunately, the divorce process keeps throwing your cheater in your face, since no matter how great your legal team may be, you still get confronted by Fuckwit Central on a constant basis.

      We all preach the virtues of No Contact and, if you share children, Gray Rock. It’s hard to do both of these, especially in the beginning. You’re going to have unsuccessful days. Your Cheater will try to goad you into a reaction. Try to remember the long game–life after Cheater. If you fail today in Gray Rock/No Contact, just forgive yourself and hit reset. It does get easier over time.

      Best of luck to you!

  • Nice to see Meh on a Thursday too. Sets everyone up for the weekend.

    You’re amazing!

    Someone blew up your life but you kept going – that is simply amazing.

    People who blow up lives never undergo the really hard miserable transformative stuff. Too surface to be shallow. So glad you recognize him for what he is in reality – a turd. No point in polishing it.

  • I’ve got there in my role as ex wife 3 years on. I couldn’t give a stuff about X and Schmoopie. In fact I was told he is apparently not doing so well right now and I shrug. Whatever! I didn’t think I would ever get there. It’s so calm.

    But my 16 year old daughter has regular contact with him and every so often likes to drop things into conversation and try and push my buttons to test the waters. It’s bloody hard but I remember the Cool bummer wow approach and find it passes now. Last time she got a calm ‘ what you just did is not acceptable to me’ and we got through it. Got to love teenagers but love my boundaries too.

    Also set up a boundary with a colleague who thought they could make a huge scene and push me to my limits. Yeah that was a firm no too.

    • Kudos to you! After all this, a colleague pitching a fit is like watching chickens run around and squawk. Yeah, go ahead, flap and cluck. I eat chickens for breakfast. Raw. Just wring their necks and wolf ’em down on the drive to work.

      • @Nemo, I love your comment. I have had a rough few weeks, putting my parents into memory care/Dad had a stroke etc. Prior to that, in late December, I stared down 3 lawyers and a partner and WON a substantial settlement after almost 4 years of legal battles. After being galvanized by that firestorm, my internal thermostat has reset to a level that in order to get a reaction from me, you’d have to be dancing before me in flames. Anything less is just a big shrug… 🤷

      • 😂😂😂 Love this Nemo! So true that others’ manufactured drama just seems so ridiculously banal after the trauma of Dday and beyond. Thank you for the good laugh!

  • When I was still married to cheater and dealing with the nonstop barrage of mindfucks, I read a book written by a much loved nun who said to “live in the present moment” and I realized that I couldnt. I ONLY lived for a better time that I hoped for.

    I thought my inability to live in the present moment was yet another testament to my suckiness as a wife mother, human which Cheater threw at me on a minute to minute basis.

    Now that Im years out from the marriage (he died 7 years ago), I happily live in the moment…I savor life, I have gratitude.

    What I dont have is wonderful memories from my marriage to him…once I admitted to myself how abusive it is, I dont want to reminisce…I want to run away from it as far as I can get without losing my kids in the effort. They are adults and living their lives so it mostly works.

    For me, Meh has been going back to school (Cheater always told me that my nursing education was “janitor school”) seeing the world (16 countries in 7 years) and making a positive difference in the care of the cohort of humans I am well versed about.

    In my weak moments, I still fall into “how could I have been so foolish” but that is rare these days and in reality I could not be exactly where I am without my path.

    The really good news is that I can no longer ever recall the intensity of the pain I had during those horrible dark days…that same sort of amnesia which makes you forget labor pains after a while eventually kicked in.

    I probs have a few more baby steps until Im at Meh Emeritus status, but Im fine as I get there.

    • “Janitor school” ?! What a jerk! Nurses have my highest respect. From nurse’s aides up to nurse-practitioners. Seems like everyone has stories about stupid, lazy nurses. Bright, hard-working nurses go unnoticed. They get things done quietly and efficiently. They know what to look for — when everything’s OK and when to get a doctor. Nurses are the backbone of health care.

  • Yesterday I closed the garage door for the last time and drove away from a nightmare. 18 months since D-Day and one week in a mental hospital, 100 days since my STBX shot himself, divorce papers signed today. We strive for heights in life, but for me, climbing out of this deep hole is one of my proudest moments.

    MEH is lurking, hope is seeping in.

    • Oh Kate, I’m thrilled to hear your news. I remember your story and was very worried for you. I hope you’re getting away to a secret address and a wonderful new life!!! Well done you!

      • Thank you Attie. I am en route to a new state; an old friend has asked me to join his business as a 50% partner. I was financially devastated in addition to the the trama. Suddenly I have an opportunity to MAKE LOTS OF $$$ on my own terms, enjoy a creative work experience and enjoy the fruits of an old and trusted friendship.

        This site is my daily touchstone. Coffee and Chumplady. I feed on the strengths of this group and now rely on them as I do that old friend.

        • You are badass mighty…you still have survival adrenaline in your veins which prevent actual meh…which has heaps of mellow but you are on your way !!!

        • Kate, Coffee and Chump Lady is my morning routine. So I’ll be thinking of your escape when I brew my Joe. If you ever feel lonesome in the morning know that this chump shares at least part of your morning routine.

          I’m glad you are Free of a violent Fuckwit. Blessings on you, dear heart. Good Luck in your new career.

          I’m so glad you’ve made your escape.

    • Kate – I am so happy for you!

      You may experience a bit of a downturn for a bit. Not because you miss what you left, but because you may find yourself utterly SPENT from all the energy it took to get away from it. If it happens, don’t be surprised and give yourself a chance to slow up a bit. Adrenalin only takes you so far.

    • Congrats, Kate. I remember your story well and am glad to hear you’re on to a new and exciting chapter in your life.

      • Hi Kate. I don’t know your story, but don’t need to to see the mighty! Agree w comment above that once the new chapter is started adrenaline may wane and a little down time may be needed. It’s okay if so…or if not. I experienced that too and it was wonderful especially since I allowed myself to BE. Where I was. Minute to minute sometimes. Go you!!!

  • Congratulations HIT, you rock girl! I can honestly say I wish I’d never met my ex, and I don’t even go for the “he gave you your wonderful children” blurb because I could have had my wonderful children with someone who treated me and them better – they might have looked a little different but they would still be my wonderful children. That being said, it’s been a long time for me. So many years of beatings, draining us financially and trying to live with the constant chaos he caused – followed by the cheating. I had so much hate in me for so many years – and now I don’t. I don’t hate him, I kinda feel sorry for him because he has to live with the permanent torment that just comes with being himself. On the positive side, he buggered off when I was 51 and by getting the divorce (and, in particular, living on different continents) it helped me to sort out my emotional life, I got to sleep at night again, I sorted out my finances, but more importantly I got the old me back and my zest for life. I see so many couples in their 50s who maybe don’t hate each other but don’t seem to love each other either – they just seem to tolerate each other and their lives just look so grey. I, on the other hand, got to kick myself up the butt in my 50s and I’m loving my new single life. I don’t need or indeed want a man in it and I’m totally happy, so yeah, maybe the contrast between my life before and my life now is something I should thank him for. Who knows!

    • I agree with you about wishing I’d never met my XW. It wasn’t a bad marriage in most ways (no fundamental incompatibilities, and certainly no abuse, unlike yours) but overall XW was a pretty mediocre wife and mother. I could have met and married someone else, and my kids would have two full-time parents and maybe not all be in therapy, if I’d never bumped into XW. It’s not just about the actual marriage we did have, it’s about the other marriage we never got the chance to have. Opportunity cost is a real thing.

      • Ahh, yes, the opportunity cost! That is a very, very haunting feeling whenever I allow it to seep in. I have these time-travel fantasies where I pick various points that should have been deal breakers that for me. I was too afraid to take them.

        So basically, me being a chicken left my kids in that shit-show far longer than they should have been. (And completely depleted me financially, healthy, emotionally, and worst, hope.) I could care less about forgiving him- the way our culture hovers and romanticizes “forgiveness” is a joke IMO. All I care about right now is forgiving myself. I’m 3 years, 2 month divorced, and the meh has been a very slow journey for me. I catch a glimpse once in a blue moon. I did EMDR for the PTSD from the threats, rage, and abuse which helped with the nightmares and needing to vomit if I got an email from him. But, I still feel so behind from where I should be this late in the game.

        I am loving reading all this wisdom , the healthy thoughts, and recovery stories; I hope to be like you guys someday!!! XO

        • BeenChumped sorry this is so long I hope you see this and it helps. I felt how you feel but you are not behind from where you should be, you are just fine right where you are.

          In March, it will be 7 years since I divorced and 9 years from D-day. I fully engaged in the pick me dance for 2 years, groveling my poor sweet heart out. He married his coworker as soon as our divorce was final.

          34 years of being with that man and poof! Gone like it had never happened, except 3 kids to remind me.

          I put myself down for not being where I thought I should be with my healing and getting over the divorce, compared to others. I was impatient with myself to just feel better. I didnt realize I still used his thought process to evaluate myself.

          Time has given me the power and insight to find myself and create my own way.

          You just keep putting one foot in front of the other, minute to minute, day to day. Don’t feel badly that you aren’t where others might be in your healing-reaching meh is a wonderful side effect of finding yourself and your own life.

          Give yourself the gift of patience and show yourself the same kindness as I am sure you give everyone around you. Believe you will get there, practice trusting yourself. You will get there.

          PS-I had to use a calculator to remember when I was divorced and I can’t remember the last time he took up space in my head.
          He was like the movie ‘Sleeping with the Enemy’ I would have nightmares waking up screaming while we were married, they stopped after divorce. I would get goose bumps sometimes when we were scuba diving, hiking etc. Everyone thinks of him as the knight in shining armor…he’s really good at projecting that. EMDR works. Hang in there, time is your super power. Lots of hugs!

      • I thought about ‘what if I had married someone else?’, and then I thought that when I met the dick, I was 22 and very insecure. I also had a rather dysfunctional childhood with an abusive father. If I had married someone else, it could have been someone worse. I didn’t know that I deserved better at the age of 22. I could have picked someone who knocked my teeth out, or threw gasoline on me and lit me on fire. (I went to a women’s shelter and one of the ladies described the third-degree burns on her legs.) So though I fantasize that my life could have been better…, it could have been worse. The dick wasn’t ALWAYS a dick. There were good times. We traveled all over the world. He didn’t hit me. We had clothes on our backs, food on our table, and a roof over our heads at night. We had good health and dental care. We didn’t lack for creature comforts. Life could have been better, but it certainly could have been worse. I don’t regret marrying the dick. And I don’t regret all the crap that he put me through. I’m a much stronger person these days. I recognize my worth and I like myself. Maturity might have gotten me to where I’m at, but dealing with the dick brought me here faster, and now that I’m here, I’m never going back. I will have no more dicks in my life.

  • Meh is going to look different for everyone, but I agree 100% with CL that at the heart of it is you no longer blame yourself… for any of it… for the pick me dancing, for believing in second chances, for eating the shit sandwich for so long, for ignoring the red flags, for staying for the kids… ALL OF IT. We talk so often of forgiving the cheater… but Meh is knowing that isn’t your job (never was)… it is forgiving yourself.

    Let that sit inside your brain and heart for a minute. Forgive. Yourself.

    I think I can speak for many (nay, all?) of us when I say that recovering from this shitshow is a slog… it takes years to heal, process, let go… let alone the day to day life management with or without kids. But we do it… we forge on… and the reason is because we are good people. Did I make a mistake by marrying a bisexual cheating lying whore, yup… sure did. But I wouldn’t trade where my life is today for any of it. My son is amazing… my career actually got back on track when I didn’t have a fuckwit and his tribe to focus on… I have money in the bank and a good roof over my head. I’ve joined a book club; taken up Blue Apron cooking; and gone on some amazing vacations. I built a life without a fuckwit and it is great… and it took me FOUR YEARS.

    I think that is part of the trick with Meh… we want to know when it comes, and its arrival will be different for all of us. SO, until we get there… just keeping on going… celebrate the nuggets in the journey (winning custody, keeping the sofa, going to a movie and getting to have all the popcorn)… and let go of the blame. It wasn’t your fault. In the paraphrased words of AA… you didn’t cause him to cheat… you can’t control him from continuing to cheat… and you can’t cure him in to never cheating again. You do you.

    • Well said. I also don’t regret my life. It could have been worse. I ‘won’ the house and my retirement remained intact. I may have to work till I’m 65 (whereas he retired a year ago), but that’s okay. I like the work and the people, and it’s helping me realize my retirement goals so I won’t have to move into a trailer like the dick and his skank had to at age 63 after living in a absolutely gorgeous house! Again, I have nothing against people who have to live in a trailer. I did in my youth, but you know what? To ‘have to’ in your retirement years…? Well, I think I’m starting to see Karma. I’m finding out that Karma is a realization of bad choices (or good choices.) The dick made some pretty bad choices and now he’s starting to realize them. I made the best choice of my life when I divorced him. I’m at peace.

  • Mighty doesn’t always come with a visible cape. It comes with a four children who are happy. Or job well done and financial independence is no longer a cloud in the sky.

    Look back at what you wrote and just how far you have come!!! Those were some long strides, you faced them, you walked them and you continued walking leaving traces of that mess behind. Shake yourself off and enjoy the state of Meh!

    We don’t always see what everyone sees. Over the holidays, my close cousin, aka sister from another mister, told me how proud she was of me. Just saying that brings tears to my eyes. I don’t always see my inner strength but others recognize it even when I don’t.

    • I was chatting with my neighbor who has three young daughters about saving for college, sharing my experience with 529 plans. Two of my 3 kids are currently in college. My neighbor interrupted me to confirm that I had said I saved up a little more than $150k for them. He then said “Sunrise, that’s amazing!” And I replied, “and my house will be paid off soon too!” Not bad for a single mother who had stayed at home for 10 years! I can’t remember ex ever recognizing, let alone celebrating, one of my accomplishments.

  • The subject of forgiveness recently came up among my adult children, with some of them strongly expressing their view that forgiveness is not dependent on an acknowledgement of misconduct by the wrongdoer. I responded that I did not see why a victim should be required to forgive someone who does not believe they have done anything wrong. In my experience, the worst offenders never acknowledge responsibility for their actions.

    I believe ‘meh’ is a far better concept. I don’t wish anyone ill, nor do I gloat over any misfortune that may befall a wrongdoer. It is more,”Have a nice life and leave me the fuck alone!” No ill-will, no trying to understand there reasons for the misconduct. Rather, an acknowledgement that this person’s values/conduct are inconsistent with the values which are important to me.

    This approach avoids gaslighting, and removes the demand that the victim “forgive” the unforgivable. My kids seem to understand, and it prompted a lively discussion of the subject. Meh is as close to forgiveness as I will ever come.

    • When anyone says that to me I ask them why they assume I haven’t already forgiven the fuckwit. Usually that ends the conversation. If they persist I ask them to tell me specifically what I should do differently. I’ve found that by asking folks to back up their suppositions about my feelings with concrete behaviors they can’t do it. And if they try, and say something stupid like, well you should sit with him at the graduation I just calmly say but I don’t like him.

  • Two things I realized early on that helped me thru tough times are 1) No one lives a perfect life, we all experience good and bad times, and 2) You learn important things when you survive a bad experience.

    It’s kind of like that song lyric, you don’t know high until you’re feeling low, you don’t know love till you let it go, basically you have to experience a loss to appreciate the gain. It gives you the perspective you need to appreciate what is truly good.

    Children learn boundaries when they experience something that makes the reason for the boundary clear to them. You don’t learn to walk without falling down, you don’t ride a bike without skinning your knees a few times. Adult pain is intense, but we didn’t understand being a chump until we became one. We live in a world of false prophets, people promise impossible things, and we want to believe — but reality happens and it often sucks. We are stronger for the experience, we know what is real, and true, and we appreciate. I think it is better to learn gratitude for the good things, than to have them and not appreciate them. We may belong to a club no one wants to join, but there is a reason that membership is constantly growing. Meh is the sigh of relief when you realize you have arrived.

    • Well said. I used to say (and still do), you don’t miss what you never had. So I never missed a certain Leave-It-To-Beaver ‘lifestyle’ because I never had it. I only saw it on TV. I could yearn for it, but I never missed it because I never had it. So after going through so much crap with the dick, I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT, that I will NOT miss it. I had ‘it’ and I certainly don’t want ‘it’ back. I now know what freedom is, and now that I have it, I will never lose it again. However, I wouldn’t have realized how fortunate I am now had I not gone through what I did. Thank you Dick! I’m living happily without you ever after!

  • I’m pretty sure I’ve hit meh. I can now talk about my Mom’s unexpected death and unexpected DDay 3 weeks after her death without falling apart.
    I have sold my marital home (unwanted) and bought a new condo (SF Bay Area, hard to do!)
    I continued working my ass off.
    I continued doing Crossfit.
    I added taking singing lessons (was my version of journaling for healing).
    Trying open mic nights (scary!).
    I have since started auditioning for local productions and am happy to say with only my 3rd ever audition I landed a small singing role.
    I am back in the classroom taking computer programming with the plans to do a complete career change.

    I am very proud of myself. I *never* would have done any of these things while still married.

    I am proud that when faced with shit for circumstances I rose above it and continued to challenge myself to be someone I can be proud of (this took years, I am coming up on 5 years). The only thing that is hard sometimes is that I don’t have anyone to share my “accomplishments” but I’m working on being okay with that.

    • Hugs – my mother passed away a month after Dday. It was almost a year before I could talk about the ex or my mother without bursting into tears. I still miss my momma. Your accomplishments are more than mighty – they are inspiring!!

  • Great topic! I still come here every morning and start my day with CL and my tribe. I’ve been at Meh (content and at peace with myself and my life) for about 2.5 years. Dday was 5 years ago. Divorce final 3 years ago.

    I also have 4 kids. I also had a malignant sociopath – narcissist who went from seeming to adore me for 26 years to trying to visciously destroy me when he was caught (later found out he cheated the entire marriage). I also had to rebuild my career as I’d been a SAHM and then part-time worker for 10 years.

    I know I’m at Meh today because I am living in reality with what HE chose to do and I accept the facts. I will never approve of what HE did but it is what it is. I focus on myself and how I want to live.

    Life is good, I have so many wonderful days and I’m proud of myself: my kids are well and we are close, I spend a lot of my free time volunteering, I have all of my finances in order and work with a certified financial planner who gave me an A+ at our yearly review, my career is going well and I’m studying for a “next chapter“ career, my health at 53 is excellent, I get to travel a lot this year (4 trips planned and paid for), I have a much smaller circle of friends but they are not narcissists (cut those out of my life), and I am in a wonderful Committed relationship with my partner and we are approaching two years of happily living together with our youngest two teens. Life is really good.

    Hang in there newly chumped. No contact and divorce and time. Those are the keys.

    • Motherchumper99

      You’re my inspiration. Divorce final May 2018 and getting close to Meh. The vicious discard and intentional unkindness have been difficult to process (and so unnecessary) after knowing this man since 1983. NC since October 2019 has made all the difference. The constant reaction kept me off balance–not anymore. He’s still attempting to legally triangulate, but I’m letting my attorney handle that. Moving forward and starting a new temporary job Monday.

      • Yay you TC! Congratulations on your job AND shutting access to your preciousness down!

        👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻😘😘😘😘

  • Thanks to CL and CN I no longer need to visit the site every day. I check my email in the morning, see CL’s topic, and then read and contribute if I think what I add can help a newbie.

    Meh for me was accepting that what happened with the ex is over, knowing that it no longer holds any power over me, and letting go of the anger.

    I try to be grateful for every blessing every single day because we aren’t promised anything beyond this moment. Nothing drives that point home more than having your whole life implode before your very eyes.

    I spend more quality time with my parents and sister since the divorce and the boys and I are very close.

    I’ve completed a MS degree, received two promotions and travel for work every 2-3 weeks. All things I never would have accomplished while still married because I always felt ‘less than’ when we were together.

    I save money and contribute to my retirement so things are good financially too.

    I’ve made some great friends from CN who have helped me along in my healing journey over the past 5 years and am forever grateful to all of them!

    In a lot of ways I am grateful for what happened. I can see things for how they really were now and I realize how toxic he was for me. I never would have left and there were a lot of reasons to bail long before he cheated. I know now I deserved better.

    He won’t be getting any greeting cards from me any time soon to express those sentiments because he’s a turd and what he did was wrong. I got the best part of him in my two sons and now he’s nothing more than a distant memory. That is what meh looks like to me!

  • I knew I didn’t care anymore when I felt nothing for my ex beyond sad for him because he was so pathetic. He blew up his life to feed an ego that can’t be fed…not even by the shitty toupee he wears to try to pretend he’s much younger. And everyone makes fum of it.

    I see him out running sometimes (we were both runners and live in the same community) and he looks old and haggard.

    And I truly feel sorry for his whore that he was the best she could do.

    • Oh I don’t feel sorry for them. Maybe I’m not at Meh because I don’t feel sorry. I look at it this way. We’re all given free choice. We have free choice to do what is right or to do what is wrong. And our Karma is based on the choices we make. The dick and the skank made the free-will choice to cheat on their respective spouses. Now they’re married to each other and they deserve everything associated with their bad choice. They’ve lost the respect of their children (whereas my children still respect me), they have lost ‘good’ friends, and worst of all…, they have each other. They’re married to a liar and a cheater. And if Karma is really good, they will be married to a liar and cheater for the rest of their days on earth. The skank gets exactly what she coveted. Let her revel in it. Now I do feel a little pity that they can’t see that they have shitty character. I pray for them. Maybe someday they’ll ask God for forgiveness for their bad actions, they’ll seek repentance, and they’ll change the way they behave from here on out. But you know, though miracles can happen…, I won’t hold my breath that they’ll change. If they had been decent people with integrity from the beginning, they wouldn’t have done the things they did. And that’s pitiful.

      • I understand. Meh could look a little different for each one of us but I agree with you.

        Maybe it would be more correct to say that what I feel bad about is that he’s so broken that he made bad decisions that blew up his life.

        He of course made his own decisions so I guess in that sense I don’t feel bad that he’s dealing with the consequences, but I do think its unfortunate that he’s so broken that he’d fuck up his life for trash.

  • I am definitely at Meh on X#1. I don’t care about him or his OW (whom he married). From 30,000 feet I can see that they are both entitled fuckwits who are far better matched than he and I ever were. If I ever see the OW, I feel nothing for her but maybe a touch of pity. After all, I know what she married. As far as I know, they are still together, but I really don’t care one way or another. My only reminder of that chapter in my life is that once a year his sweet sister calls me on my birthday…because it is her birthday, too. She is somewhat mentally challenged, but knows how badly he treated me. I always give her a hug when I see her.

  • I have been in “Meh” for a while now. its pretty fucking amazing here! Thanks CL and CN for all of your stories and taking the time to write them out and share. You have no idea what you have done for me and the kids. Your encouragement and your mightiness is amazing and i cheer and hug you all on! I hope one day the words that come out of my mouth are mighty, loving and strong for the right ears to hear. I hope one day that my struggles and pain i felt after being chumped out of the blue will help someone say “OMG! That is me! She did it! She didn’t die! She Survived! So I know i can, too!!”
    I can’t wait for you all to get to “Meh”! I will get the pastries and coffee ready to celebrate with you and we can sit on the porch and relax! WE ARE MIGHTY!!

  • Thanks for this piece. Very timely. Today is my birthday and in true me form I’m reflective. It’s been five years and this site helped me to align with like minded people. It kept me going when everyone else around me was feeding me the second chance for cheater line.
    Today… I’m doing great! The children have their bumps. They are seeing through him. I don’t engage him and it feels awesome.
    I’m in a new better paying job. I’m making repairs to the house. And life is just good!
    Wishing all chumps positive friends. Keep doing positive things that life you up and forward and you will get there. Make a zillion good memories to outnumber the bad. Bless!

  • Good work Hoping! You are a hero of giant proportion. I am at MEH most of the time. While recovering from betrayal, I retired, sold two houses (that I used to call home-has a different meaning now), bought and renovated a new place in a different town near my grandkids. Now building a new community of friends who do the things I love-hike, yoga, read, paddleboard. Volunteering to raise money to build an addition on children’s museum. I finally feel longer moments of joy and much fewer moments of WTF, rarely cry. Like you, I don’t regret my time with Rat-my family is wonderful and has stood by me. I am as healthy as I have been in 30yrs. Would like to look 30 yrs younger 😁 and be with a man I passionately love who feels the same about me. That I have given up to God and am just living my best life. Hugs chumps

  • Working everyday! Parenting three girls alone (therapy volleyball ceramics, list goes on and on), paying bills, working two jobs, healing, etc

    I am two years out and six months divorced (I did it all of course)…today I got the “I am not sure you ever really want to hear my side of things”. I ignored…twitched a bit but ignored.

    I will not be blamed for this!

    • I’m so glad you ignored! It would only have been blame shifting. Another mind fuck. “Get behind me, Satan!”

  • I believe I’m at Meh. And it’s wonderful. I worked it all out in my head, the “why” of how I ended up divorced after 30 years. I tried to untangle the skein of fuckedupness, but after a while I realized that the only one to untangle was me. It took 5 years to do it, but I made it. I no longer hate the dick. I don’t like him, but I don’t hate him. I decided I will not have ugly people in my life again even if I have to live alone the rest of my life. The dick and his skank are very handsome people, but they’re ugly inside. I don’t hate them because they can’t help who they are. Well…, maybe they can, but it’s not my job to help them become better people. Only they can fix themselves. My focus is to remove all ugly people from my life and only have great people as friends. And if the dick and the skank ever change, I still won’t have them in my life. That’s my choice. I’ve forgiven them, but I will not put myself in a position to be exposed to them ever again. I like myself so much these days. I’m a bit plumper than I want to be, my hair is definitely grayer, my wrinkles are deeper, but I’m really okay with who I am. If someone doesn’t like me just the way I am, then that’s their problem, not mine. I’m still a very loving and giving woman. My friends are very proud of me and look forward to hearing from me, so I must be doing something right. I recently took and passed a test for a new career that will take me into my retirement years. I’m super excited. My retirement should be okay and I expect to be able to travel as long as I have good health. I bought myself a little pop-up trailer and have taken it out on the weekends here and there. I just recently acquired a man in my life who seems to enjoy my company. (Lucky him!) I have a roof over my head that doesn’t leak, I have a furnace that works so I’m not cold, I have a bed to sleep in, I have a car to drive to work in, and I have my eyes, hands, and feet, and everything else so that I can enjoy life. And I’m enjoying it!

  • I think Meh is indifference – you just don’t care about what they are doing, how they are doing or who they are doing. Not there yet, better every year – 3 1/2 out from D Day.

  • 2+ years out and not at meh, but moving forward. A lot has changed:

    – I was promoted and am more financially secure than I ever was carrying X’s dead weight. I also received a smallish inheritance and am saving towards a downpayment.

    – I have been able to dive into my vocation and projects that align with my values. I’ve just received significant grant funding for this work and get to collaborate with students and communities, as well as wonderful friends/colleagues.

    – I’ve traveled a bit and want to travel more.

    – I have a dog (this was a thorny issue w/ X…) and am starting to envision adopting another.

    – I am so much closer with my son and am becoming the parent I always wanted to be.

    – I have so much more love in my life, with friends and extended family. I am more connected and open than I’ve been in a long time.

    – I’m exploring various art practices and forms of movement. I have heard amazing live music. Even how I dress now is more expressive and connected with my aesthetic sense of self.

    – I like myself now ♡

    I still have a lot of healing to do; I’m still ensnared with/distracted by X, and dealing with feelings of shame and low self-worth. But I am also now finally in a place to address these challenges, and I am finding powerful tools and allies.

    Sending best wishes to all chumps–may we find the healing we need.

    • Woohoo! Congratulations. At least you’re not walking on eggshells anymore. That would certainly slow down, or stop, your healing. You sound like you’re coming along wonderfully!

      • Aw, thank you so much! You are right about not walking on eggshells–no one can heal or grow amid that kind of toxicity. I hope you are also feeling increasingly safe in your new life.

  • (((Ninon)))
    I was so happy to see your name, I feel like I know you from your posts in the pasts.
    Oh Ninon, I am so proud of you.
    I see so much strength and progress in what you have written.
    Just keep on doing what you are doing, going toward the light, in the right direction.
    Lots of love to you and your precious son!
    ❤️💪❤️

    • (((Peacekeeper)))

      I am so so happy to “see” you!!! I miss you over on Reddit…I need to read the comments here more often.

      How are you doing?

      I don’t feel like much has changed since the old forums went dark, but you and I do ❤️know❤️ each other, and if you can sense a difference from this list, then perhaps things have meaningfully shifted.

      Thank you for all your love and support–and for remembering my son. He continues to bear the brunt of this, but is doing mostly okay and has such a gorgeous, tender heart.

      Sending you so much love tonight!

  • 15 August 2017. D Day

    29 June 2018 Official Final decree. Freedom.

    18 July 2018 Thanks for the business letter from my attorney.

    So I’ll round up to July 2018 as VD day. Victory day. Soo, …
    6 months plus 12 more for last year plus one more for this January.

    19 months of working on me. I’m not counting the 10 months of agony I endured in hyper vigilance mode, but I do remember that palpable tinge of calm when the news came it was over.

    xw made her last appearance at my door in Oct 2018 to give me some printer cartridges before moving her belongings out of our marital home. She rented it to a neighbor who’d lived up the street and had payed Him to do the work. I had mastered NC at this point in the game. I took the ink cartridges inside without speaking to her, then came back out. I told her she was not wanted here, that there was nothing left to talk about and to never show her face again on my property.

    All traces of hopium are out of my system now.
    I don’t seek knowledge of her current circumstances anymore.
    I see her Nowadays for the White trash 🗑 she was, is and always will be. Hindsight is 20/20! She’s dead to me and I am indifferent. I guess that’s what we call MEH.

    Slowly, pieces of myself are coming back and being rediscovered. I’m ghosting toxic people from my life and using Reciprocity as a yardstick for New relationships. I am the only human being on this planet that has never failed me besides My mother (also a MIGHTY chump). So all you chump mom’s out there in CN take heart in that and Mush on!!

    Gaining a life is ‘organic’. I didn’t know what that word meant until Now. Translated…It takes a long time and happens naturally.

    • “It takes a long time and happens naturally.” I couldn’t agree more. I’m almost 24 months out from d-day and still a work-in-progress, although I think I can see “Meh” on the horizon. 🙂

  • Hoping, what a fantastic story of courage and fortitude! Thank you. I hope you keep enjoying your life and your children. I love your wise reflection – Who indeed could regret the circumstances that gave us our beautiful children?

  • A lot of us feel guilty or regret for ever marrying the ex. This is one of my #1 struggles.
    In my case, aside from being a serial cheater, the ex was just a shitty spouse in general. I read that a lot on here. I spent almost my whole young adult years trying to build a life with someone who just didn’t have any interest in me. Once the wedding vows were said, I became the useful Husband Appliance. So many days, I’ve wished I could go back in time and warn my younger self to steer clear of her.
    But alas, I don’t have a time machine.

    • “I spent…years trying to build a life with someone who just didn’t have interest…”
      Same here, TtW. I’m almost 24 months out, and I’m just now realizing how codependent I was, how much I spackled over her behavior, projected and tried to “build a life” with someone who was simply using me. Looking back, I knew I was being taken for granted, used, but I refused to truly see/accept it…until now.

      I’m not a Meh yet, but I’m getting there!

  • I learned just the other day that I really was at Meh myself. Before that, I figured I was close enough that it didn’t really matter, but still had occasional moments of frustration and anger.

    But I recently heard that cheater-ex and schmoopie are expecting, and my first reaction was “that poor baby.” This innocent child will have dad be mistaken for grandpa everywhere they go. And sadly, lose that dad at a younger age than most.

    My next reaction was “my poor kids.” I suspect their infrequent time with their dad is going to become either being ignored in favour of the baby, or being made to babysit.

    And that was it. I surprised myself. I’m just sad for the kids who inevitably suffer the most. Okay, maybe a teeny part of me wonders if the kid is really his.

  • Meh to me was accepting that he is a truly sick fuck. Fully accepting it as the fact it is.

    I want no part of the dysfunction. I don’t want to cure him, help him, or be anywhere around him. He is history.

  • Thanks for this post – very timely. I try to be ‘meh’ but still parallel parenting one child. Shit for brains still winds me up at times and I deal with her the bare minimum but at least no longer want to throttle her lying and cheating self. By the way, if anyone does read this – my lying cheating ex wife has not changed a bit. She is remarrying this year to a widower and I feel really sorry for him as he hasn’t a clue who she really is. Like the poster above, I don’t miss her, she added little to my life but I’m no longer pissed at myself for marrying her. I have a much better happier healthier life which I share with the most wonderful, kind, loving and supportive woman I’ve ever known.

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