“People Don’t Want to be Called ‘Chump'”

Dear Chump Lady,

I like a lot of what you have to say, but I find your aggressive writing style makes me uncomfortable.

People who get abused by infidelity don’t want to be called a “chump.”

Can’t you find a more neutral word that captures what you want without insulting people who are already feeling the worst they can feel?

Honestly, i do agree with you. Infidelity is abuse. I just don’t think the way you write helps the case any.

Barry

***

Dear Barry,

I guess I missed the meeting of the Universal Order of the Betrayed where you were elected spokesperson.

I don’t have a “neutral” word because infidelity is not a neutral experience. There’s a bad actor and there’s a victim. There’s a con and there’s a dupe. There is a cheater and there is a chump.

You can’t really wrap your arms around a problem unless you know exactly what you’re dealing with. That’s why I prefer descriptive language to euphemisms.

I chose the word “chump” deliberately. I wanted this place to cut through the bullshit and call a thing a Thing. Thus, you’ll see no soppy “betrayed spouses” here. (Not everyone who is chumped is married, and you’re more than the experience of betrayal.) Nor do I brook the nonsense of “wayward.”

“Wayward” sounds soft in the head. Like they weren’t off pre-meditatedly boinking someone they met on Craigslist but rather got befuddled, lost their car keys, and couldn’t find their way home until a kindly adult came and pinned the directions on their sweater.

Chumped means you got fooled. You cannot be conned without a con artist (see “Wayward”). You were played for a stupid person, but that doesn’t mean you’re stupid. It is, however, meant to be a verbal slap — “HEY, YOU’RE GETTING PLAYED!”

I’m not trying to insult you, I’m trying to get you to see the abusive dynamic. “Hey! FRIENDLY KITTEN AHEAD!” doesn’t convey the same gravitas.

Finally, Barry — I get what you’re saying, but your aggressive writing style makes me uncomfortable.   It’s like telling a woman she should smile more. I’m a friendly person, but this is not a friendly topic. It’s a painful topic, and my language reflects that. It’s also swear-y and profane and snarky.

If you don’t think I “help the case” any, why don’t you go create a support site, get 5.5 million people to come to it, flip 29 million page views, write a book, get it published with a big 5 publisher, sell the audio rights, earn out your advance, get optioned for a TV series, and get back to me, ‘K?

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RaffNoMore
RaffNoMore
4 years ago

Mic drop!

Gaz
Gaz
4 years ago
Reply to  RaffNoMore

Chump lady
You have saved me and many like me who had somewhere to turn too when things got too much,
We are all people who loved someone and got fooled, so your column is superb, but here is my but, Barry asked a question and Barry should have a response, but your response was unfair, Barry may need the support of your site to get him over the like and move forward with his life , but when you quote your successes and asked him to come back when he has done half the things you have was unfair, we have all being duped by fuckwits , lets be kind with each other’s hearts

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
4 years ago
Reply to  RaffNoMore

If you live in the country aka- the boonies,(????????Oops!Sorry Barry- Ahem, …Rural America)…
And have enjoyed a few rotations …
you’ve probably flipped over that wheelbarrow to find a nest of White Faced Hornets ???? ????
that exquisitely defines the concept of ‘being present in the moment’

Kbchump
Kbchump
4 years ago
Reply to  RaffNoMore

Oh Barry why did you even bother with that letter? I think I can assume you’re just trolling, no one who has been cheated on and then dumped by a narcissistic fuckwit who dynamited the family unit minds being called a chump. It was the slap in the face I needed to comprehend what the hell just happened. Yes. I was played. CL and CN saved my sanity

Georgie
Georgie
4 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

I agree kbchump. Seems like a trivial thing to write in about. I love the word chump. That’s what I was. CL has a way of making everything clear and gets us to face up to reality. Her straightforward no BS way of speaking is a big part of why she is so good at what she does.

NenaB
NenaB
4 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

Totally this. The word Chump was the slap in the face I needed to get off the Hopium. You can’t fix stupid in someone else, and stupid in someone else is the cheater. But we can fix the stupid in us. The one that wants to “work on us”, the one that’s hooked on Hopium, the one that dances to the tune of pick me.

It’s raw, it hurts, and owning whatever was lacking in us that meant we stayed longer than we should and forgave more than we should until we couldn’t anymore is vital in the road to mighty and freedom.

Being a chump is the kick up our arse that wins our pride and self respect back.

no-way
no-way
4 years ago
Reply to  NenaB

Yes, to not be a chump you have e to get tough! If the word triggers you then act so it is no longer a description of you.

Cheated
Cheated
4 years ago
Reply to  RaffNoMore

I agree with the writer. Chump sounds too much like, Stupid Person. Should have known better. My fault.

No, it is not my fault. I am not stupid. I may have been taken advantage of but it wasn’t because I was stupid and I did nothing to deserve this.

Mitz
Mitz
4 years ago
Reply to  Cheated

Would you prefer a another term? …. victim ? survivor? aggrieved party?

I like the word Chump. Because it’s a gentle slap upside the head to the betrayed. One that we need.

The message is DON’T BE A CHUMP and/or STOP BEING A CHUMP

In a world where we are encouraged to forgive and forget, keep going back for more abuse, accept and make excuses for cheaters and liars, we NEEDED someone like CL to tell us to wake the hell up, and get the hell out!!! That we are worth more than being chained to a fucktard.

Patsy
Patsy
4 years ago
Reply to  Cheated

But, Cheated, that is why we are here. That is why my name is Patsy.
patsy
/ˈpatsi/

nounINFORMAL•NORTH AMERICAN
noun: patsy; plural noun: patsies
a person who is easily taken advantage of, especially by being cheated or blamed for something.

Because, when I asked the love of my life and my best friend for an explanation of his changed, distanced, contemptuous, dismissive, rejecting:

“Are you having an affair?”
“NO! But I have had enough of your [fill in the realistic faults that drove me to spend the next two years trying to be a better wife and human being]

I believed him. Why would your best friend lie? Surely someone who loves you cannot be that hate filled and cruel?

The cruelty and emotional abuse of that, that he blamed me for my own mistreatment whilst HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING caused spiritual scars that will never heal. Not interested in relationships and I don’t trust anybody.

What is that, if not a Patsy or a Chump? It isn’t my fault. I didn’t deserve it. But I still got Played and abused. Call a Thing a Thing, People!

Tall One
Tall One
4 years ago
Reply to  Cheated

Cheated == see my comments below.
I think there’s truth in your comments, BUT I think we need to be honest about it; doesn’t mean we aren’t kind-hearted, all in, etc…. It doesn’t mean we weren’t blindsided.

BUT wanna get cheated on again? Didn’t think so.

We gotta get smart about who we’re in relationship with. And we have to own up to that.

Mama Luna
Mama Luna
4 years ago
Reply to  Tall One

This is so true. Now we know. Instead of ignoring the mounting pile of evidence (Why did my husband leave at 2 am and come home at 5:30 am, just before me and the kids get up? Without his work computer? Oh, he said he had to go into work. Ok. Cool. Without his computer? Oh, he said he didn’t need it. Ok. Cool.). Now if that happens in the future (with a new, respectable husband), we don’t just shrug it off because we should just trust our spouses. I mean we should be able to trust our spouses, but we also have to take responsibility for allowing behavior to be too easily explained away when it’s pretty clear it shouldn’t be.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
4 years ago
Reply to  Cheated

Have you read here? Did anyone call you stupid or that you deserved this? Stop it already.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
4 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Unfortunately I call myself stupid for putting up with all his sh** for so many years. Yes, I was way too gullible and trusting. Yes, I question my stupidity ( and yes, I am smarter than he). Call me stupid but no one can ever call me an adulterer!

Beth
Beth
4 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Clearly Barry and Cheated have completely missed the point. And with a name like “cheated” I think it’s pretty clear why. 😀

Cheated2
Cheated2
4 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Wow, wow, wow…holy f’ing victim blaming Beth. So absolutely not okay.

Berry and Cheated can have their opinions and make their points, which they both did in a respectful way, without being abused by the group that they come to for support…seriously people. This makes me sick and incredibly disappointed in this community right now.

catharsis2017
catharsis2017
4 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Beth, what a stupid, disrespectful comment. Your comment, and others like yours, demonstrates the ugly side of CN, where any different opinions, however respectful, are met with high agression.

We are better than this.

NotbLUEinTC
NotbLUEinTC
4 years ago
Reply to  catharsis2017

catharsis2017

While I applaud your effort to defend opposing opinions, to use the word “stupid” belies the true heart of a CHUMP. That word made me physically flinch, as it’s how my Ex and his now Wife attempted to make me feel in an effort to empower themselves. Words like that hurt and diminish your extremely valid point.

I agree–we are better than this.

catharsis2017
catharsis2017
4 years ago
Reply to  NotbLUEinTC

NotbLUEinTC
I did not call Beth stupid. I called her comment stupid and disrespectful, which I still think it is, and there is an important difference. I would never call anyone stupid.

Cheated
Cheated
4 years ago
Reply to  catharsis2017

Thank you catharsis.

Also, its not like I want CL to change the name of the site. That would be nuts. Just wanted to defend the fact that it is ok for Barry and others to not like the word.

I do understand though the avid followers defending the word. Its like the true fans of the Washington Redskins. I bet there are a lot of them that agree with Native Americans that the name could be seen as pejorative by some. Still, those fans would never advocate for a name change.

It is just a name. It is what it is. Come to the game or not. Come to the site or not. I choose to come. I find it helpful. I bet Barry does too.

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
4 years ago
Reply to  Cheated

*NOT flawed!

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
4 years ago
Reply to  Cheated

No, I’m a long time follower and big contributor while the member forums existed – and I have never felt comfortable with the title of “chump”. I’m no fool. I was betrayed by a person I trusted. B/W in my book. He is a cheater, I was betrayed. I leave the whole mess betrayed but now flawed, not a mess, not anything less than I entered our marriage as. Still me, still trusting and hopeful to meet another honest person in my future. None oof this is on me, so why would I ever take the title of being dubbed a “chump”??! Ahahahah, uh, nope!

pfrey71
pfrey71
4 years ago
Reply to  catharsis2017

Amen catharsis2017. Good for you for coming forward. I agree that comment was WAY out of line.

cheated
cheated
4 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

I read here almost every day. The word Chump, to me, implies something less than normal. See this from Webster:

Chump – dupe, gull, mug [chiefly British], patsy, pigeon, pushover, sap, soft touch, sucker, tool

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
4 years ago
Reply to  cheated

Agree. I’ve been helped by this site and all of the members here for years, while the member forum existed. Were we all “chumps” by thinking that the forums would exist forever? No. We were people in a relationship via an online community. We rode it out with truth and dedication, barfed out stories and souls out, in earnest and even embarrassment at times, until one of us changed our minds about the continuance of the forums. yet, all of our secrets are still out there. We are not fools for thinking that that bond would exist forever, right?
Anyway – I’ve never subscribed to being a Chump anything. I am not any victim. Not a fool of any sort. Don’t let negativity distract you from any of the positive growth given here, though. Things change. Sometimes unilaterally. In a marriage or long-term partnership, when one person cheats, it is all on them for betraying the pact. Which is why I’ll always refer to my x as the cheating partner and myself as the betrayed partner. I was betrayed, plain and simple. And that only adds to my strength as a human.
While the word “chump” takes away from me as a person.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
4 years ago
Reply to  cheated

Also, I find it confusing that you take offense to the absolute main term on this site. A site I’m assuming you find helpful as people who frequent here. Why would you take the time to complain about it, unless you just enjoy complaining or taking offense where none was intended.

Coming to Chumplady.com to complain about the term “chump” is like visiting IHEARTKITTENS.org and bitching because there’s too many cats. It makes zero sense.

IPickMe
IPickMe
4 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

CL isn’t everyone’s cup of tea – but if the word “chump” really bothers someone, they should find another site or support group, not criticize CL and demand she CHANGE TO SUIT THEM. CL – you saved my life and sanity. We love you. You do you.

Cheated
Cheated
4 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

I did not say I was offended. Neither did the original writer. I can only speak for myself but what I feel is that the word implies I am to blame or at least share the blame. I know that this website does NOT intend that meaning and goes to great lengths to ensure that the cheated do not feel they should take the blame.

So whatever, great site. The word Chump seems to me to not be the ideal term to describe me but I still love the site and didn’t mean to trigger everyone else. Sorry. I’m not complaining or bitching. Just agreeing with the original writer who, IMHO, was ganged up on and berated beyond a reasonable degree.

DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
4 years ago
Reply to  Cheated

I love this site. It has helped me enormously. HOWEVER, I know 2 “chumps” who are reeling from cheater discoveries and are too furious to come to the site –

BECAUSE of the term “chump”!

They resent the hell out of the implication that they were stupid. Maybe it’s too soon for them, or maybe they’ll never visit this site. But the writer and CHEATED are not alone in finding the term “chump” off putting.

I admit, I also did.

I still decided to visit this site though I don’t recall how I overcame my reluctance. Anyhow, it is very funny & damn insightful so I’m glad.

But I don’t think the writer of the letter was being sexist in the way a man saying “smile more honey, you’d look prettier that way” would – (which was actually said to me on a plane to my dad’s funeral).

Anyway, I’m just writing to say that this guy isn’t alone in having trouble with the term, nor is he alone in discovering the level of duplicity of his spouse painful as hell.

I’d say the single worst thing about all of this is how frustrating it is for me to see that MY ROLE in the divorce was in believing garbage way past the point of rational intelligent behavior dictates. I must have been asleep, but I’m awake now.

Hopefully we are all EX CHUMPs as in, “Never again.”

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
4 years ago
Reply to  cheated

If you find the word “triggering” substitute it for something else. I don’t know what to tell you.

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  cheated

Yup, those words all describe me, in my relationship with Narc Cheater, pretty much perfectly! I was a dupe, a pushover, a soft touch, a CHUMP. I trusted WAY past the point of ‘really, how smart is this?’. I spackled behaviours that now horrify me – and should have then, too. I gave him the benefit of the doubt far far far too often. I projected MY values onto him (while he was projecting his onto me ….). I made his life easy, then easier and easier. I maintained his image w/our kids, our circle in general (but people saw through him anyway), and did all I could to coach him into maintaining it at work. I behaved as I thought I should, as a caring person and loving spouse, and when he didn’t reciprocate, I let that go, and explained it away, and stepped up MY game.

Definitely, in that dictionary there should be a picture of me under ‘Chump’. And I know it wasn’t stupidity on my part (I’m actually way smarter than him, it turns out), it was CHUMPINESS, which is not at all the same thing.

Mary King
Mary King
4 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I kinda agree with Chump Lady here…chump is succint and to the point and sums up nicely my personal experience of believing what I wanted to be true. Others could see but I read books about saving a marriage singlehand, clung to the smallest signs of the outcome I wanted while willfully ignoring huge red flags. To me being chumped is more than being lied to and cheated upon…though that is a big part of it. Its the clinging on to a sinking ship of a relationship at the expense of your self respect, enduring indignity, pretending and covering up, convincing yourself that somehow it will all come right when all the evidence suggests it wont.
Anyone can be lied to and betrayed but being chumped usually involves our cooperation after a certain point.
CL and CN showed me that my cheater experience was really rather commonplace and that my situation was happening all over the world…the same tired old lines that I had taken hope from were being repeated almost word for word everywhere from Texas to Tipperary! I fully participated in my chumping, pick me danced and attempted reconciliation on the slimmest of reason for belief.
Tiptoeing around the truth and keeping my head in the sand done me no favours.
We can decide to unchump ourselves but it is tough…if we get as far as CL then we know enough to be honest with ourselves.
If people dont like being chumps they they dont have to be them…or they can be them but call it something else…or they can find another site that fits in better with where they are at. I was a true chump and still have chumpy moments and like AA I am willing to own that…it truly is the first step.

Mikah7
Mikah7
4 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Oh yes, you had me at projecting…same…I like chump because it makes me feel that I’m NOT an idiot—only trusting, I’m NOT weak —though strong enough to recognize I can’t change a cheater but I can leave one, and that there are a lot of chumps with hearts like mine— JUST like there are a lot of people with NO morals or empathy.

Mama Luna
Mama Luna
4 years ago
Reply to  cheated

Which is exactly what we all were when we were cheated on. Saps. Suckers. That doesn’t make us bad people or stupid people. It makes us loving and trusting people who were taken advantage of by the one person we should have been able to trust above all others. In other words: chumps.

no-way
no-way
4 years ago
Reply to  Mama Luna

You can only be a ‘chump’ if someone ‘chumps’ you. They made us chumps for them. It’s not a life time sentence. We are chumps because of their shit and duplicitiousness…..

ChumpedButHappierNow
ChumpedButHappierNow
4 years ago
Reply to  Mama Luna

Plus, the point is that we WERE Chumps. If you spend any time here, you become MIGHTY. THAT is the point!

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
4 years ago

Barry, were getting all grammatical here. If I can pin it down, perhaps you don’t like chump as a descriptive noun of who you ARE. I get that.

Chump may be a description of what we WERE when we were being conned, duped, fooled etc, but now that we have gained a mighty life, some of us would prefer an honorific more like “Superhuman”. Or “Once Was Chump”. Or as a verb, which references the cheater a little more specifically: “The Chumped”.

But everyone knows that semantics arguments are BORING. So let’s just leave it in the magnificent Chump Lady’s capable hands and trust she only does what’s good for us.

Resilient
Resilient
4 years ago
Reply to  RaffNoMore

Yep. Well said.

Bruno
Bruno
4 years ago

We love Chump Lady just the way she is.

ANON
ANON
4 years ago

Damn straight!! Call a spade a spade!

Rebecca
Rebecca
4 years ago
Reply to  ANON

…or a Chump!

I wear the name Chump proudly now that I’m on the other side of the abuse someone else decided was OK to dump on me.

Renay
Renay
4 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

…and a Ho a Ho!

Chumpy
Chumpy
4 years ago

Chump lady’s snark and bluntness is exactly what I needed to kick my ass into understanding what sicko I was actually dealing with. I needed the 2×4 years earlier. The other books actually kept me in a vulnerable place. When you are dealing with a narc you need to be extremely strong and have a backbone. CL and Chump Nation provided that.

Aimee
Aimee
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumpy

Amen girl! Frankness is what we need when our emotions are all over the place, wishing it was something different. Facing the true reality is what empowers the chumps!

SweetPotatoFlakes
SweetPotatoFlakes
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumpy

Precisely! I wish I had found Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life much sooner. As CL says, she was my friendly cold bucket of water.

I had had months of couples marrage counseling where the topic of adultery wasn’t even talked about. Apparently it was to be addressed once we had rekindled our love for each other. I was praying for a cold bucket of water after all that crap. Oh yeah, I also found out later that she was having another affair while we were in counseling.

I understand. It was really hard to hear I was a chump (sucker was the word I used for myself). However, treating infidelity with kid gloves keeps chumps stuck with struggling to be patient and it keeps cheaters in cake. That is exactly where I was and would have been for who knows how long. Silently suffering through all of that, while my sanity slowly eroded.

Previously, my ex-wife was controlling the pace of our “reconciliation”, while I had to be patient and optimistic. I didn’t need patient optimism; I needed to be righteously indignant. I needed Chump Lady, her book, and this site. She’s the only one I’ve found who tells this monumental betrayal exactly how it is. I owe her a lot and she’s a huge factor in helping me get out. I still struggle at times, but it is a minute fraction of the soul crushing worry that I felt when married and committed to “working it out”. My soul crushing worry was because I was the only one truly committed!

Adultery needs to be treated harshly, because of how serious it is. Two of the ten commandments are about it! It’s not just wrong to commit, it’s the only act that is considered a sin to even THINK about. It’s so bad it had to be mentioned twice. It’s really time we treat it as such.

SerenityNow
SerenityNow
4 years ago

When we found out about my husband’s cheating our then 13 year old son said “well, now, I guess dad’s not exactly following the 10 commandments, is he?” He comes by his snark naturally, thank you. My husband, of course, is SPECIAL, so he justified his cheating by saying he was going to make things right and marry HER, instead of honoring his vows. Husband is a Jesus cheater, by the way. Reads the bible, quotes all the scripture, criticized me for how I followed my faith. On the way home from church not that long ago, our 11 year old googled the 10 commandments and counted 7 that her father had broken. He’s a thief and a liar and a cheater. Go figure. And he should be punished. He will be eventually, but it will be because of his criminal activities and not the cheating.

SweetPotatoFlakes
SweetPotatoFlakes
4 years ago
Reply to  SerenityNow

I hate that you and your kids went through that, SerenityNow. My ex-wife is a Jesus cheater as well.

I actually think that she’s a communal narcissist also. In other words, she gets her narcissistic supply from her volunteering efforts in church and the community. Effort placed at home would only get her praise from me and our child, but effort in the church and community would get her praise from many. She would say she felt “recharged” after going to church. However, it was only when she was actively apart of something (e.g. choir, nursery, class leader, etc). Otherwise she was extremely bored when she went and only got to listen to a service. A few minutes into the service she would start doodling in the notebook that was usually reserved for taking notes during church. Caught her checking her phone and replying to messages on several occasions. Learning was extremely low on her church priority. She said her “ministry” was to “serve in the church”.

I’ll never forget what she told me when news of her affair got to the church leaders and they removed her from her positions. She said I had destroyed everything she had worked so hard to build. She also told me that her AP was a better father and Christian than I was.

I was too stunned to come up with a scathing reply at the time. However, after finding CN, I saw exactly how my ex-wife’s behavior is exactly the same stupid crap that other unremorseful cheaters say. They really do work from the same game plan.

Even a pastor told me that someone who is truly altruistic will be that way in every part of their life. Giving would never be reserved for certain situations. The people that did that only did so for image management.

I hope you are out of the marriage or will be soon, SerenityNow. Dealing with Jesus cheaters is a special kind of crazy-making I wouldn’t wish on anyone. *Virtual hug*

Sisu
Sisu
4 years ago

After Dday, I told my ex, “You and your friends must have had a good laugh about all this. ‘Look at what a chump Sisu is!'” Yup, I called myself a chump within 12 hours of discovering his affair with his married co-worker. When I found Chumplady, I knew I was home.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
4 years ago

SPF – I share in you pain too. Spent 14 sessions with a counsellor who asked me to set aside the issue of adultery to work on the marriage itself. Her rationale is that once the love was rekindled, we would be better equipped to tackle the issue of the adultery. I bought into it and put myself into the smallest box possible. Meanwhile, I later learned that he got back in touch with the OW and rekindled the relationship.

Very bad therapeutic practice indeed.

PolyChump
PolyChump
4 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

I must have gotten the therapist of all therapists because she is the one who told me my ex was being abusive. Our story is a little weirder – open marriage that turned polyamorous that turned into him leaving me for his other partner and breaking every rule we agreed on. I felt so stupid because I agreed to let him audition my replacement in front of me! I simply trusted him to keep me number one. And wow, was that trust misplaced. The betrayal was so shocking, followed by the shame of “well what did you THINK was going to happen” when people found out. Well I THOUGHT that an open marriage required trust and I THOUGHT that I could trust my husband. My bad!

My therapist was a rock star. When I started seeing her we had already agreed to get a divorce. Honestly? I did the Pick Me Dance for about 2 weeks while I came to terms with what was happening. One night he said he didn’t love me anymore and wasn’t sure if he still wanted to be married to me. 2 weeks later he said he had to decide what he wanted to do and I told him I did too, because he treated me so poorly over the last 2 weeks I didn’t know if I wanted to be with him anymore (yeah that shocked him a bit). The next morning we decided we were done.

I had thought about leaving him many times over the 17 years of our marriage but I knew he would make my life a living hell. Once I saw the path to the exit was clear of any obstacles he would have placed, I bolted. Never looked back. My therapist was there for me the whole time. Held my hand when I was scared about him hurting me (he never had before but he had suddenly become a different crueler person) or when he threatened to take full custody of our kids (she exposed that scare tactic right away).

Honestly, without her I don’t know what would have happened. She put me on the road to recovery from abuse and I don’t know if I would have gotten there on my own. She pulled no shots and told me flat out he was abusive and ticked off the ways on her hand. Even when I questioned it (“that doesn’t seem like something I would put up with”) she explained to me how we look for people who feel familiar (my father was verbally abusive my whole life). She put the scattered pieces together so I could see the whole picture.

I wish for you all to have a therapist who cares about you as much as mine cares about me.

freedomtogrow
freedomtogrow
4 years ago
Reply to  PolyChump

Polychump, you and I are among the lucky ones. I too had an amazing therapist (clinical psychologist). She put EVERYTHING! Into perspective in a way my frazzled brain could comprehend. I too wouldn’t be where I am today without her patience and guidance. Sometimes it takes a stranger to give you perspective and help you believe that you are valuable, fabulous and lovable
Chumplady was not around in my early days but CL and CN have helped me complete my healing in the latter stages of the road to “meh”.
All the best for you continuing journey

NewBeginnings
NewBeginnings
4 years ago

This was me exactly, SweetPotatoFlakes! I wish I had found Chump Lady sooner. Marriage counseling while he still carried on his multiple affairs!

WackyChump
WackyChump
4 years ago
Reply to  NewBeginnings

Same here Sweetpotatoflakes.

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  NewBeginnings

OMG yes! If Chump Lady had existed in 2005, I would have saved YEARS of wasted time, energy, pain, and money, and could have built a healthier life for my kids so much sooner. The books and couple therapy all encouraged reconciliation and made it sound so reasonable and feasible. They all assumed the Cheater was ALREADY clear on how stupid and hurtful the infidelity was, AND actually cared about that. Nobody was saying ‘this is what real remorse looks like’ and ‘a person who was selfish and entitled enough to cheat long-term, or repeatedly, would have to change their character to become a decent partner. Here’s what it would take, and this is how you can see if they’re working on this long term.’

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
4 years ago

Could not have put it better SweetPotatoFlakes!

Adelante
Adelante
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumpy

Agree 100%

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
4 years ago

Wanna bet Barry is a cheater who got caught and his Chump is divorcing him? Or quite possibly a therapist who finds it really handy to blame the betrayed party and was blind-sided when the Chump said, “No – it doesn’t take two to tango when one is a lying cheating turd and the other one isn’t!”

Cuts into his income stream in one manner or another.

Mama Luna
Mama Luna
4 years ago

My money is on him being a chump with a fragile ego who can’t handle taking responsibility for his end. Of course we aren’t at fault for what happened to us, but we also ignore a LOT of shit for the sake of our marriage. That’s on us. It’s also on us to pick up our damaged baggage and move on to better places. That the entire point of Chump Lady. Yes, something bad happened. No, you didn’t deserve it. Yes, it’s ok you what happens from now on.

Some people like to stay in Victim Mode. I prefer Fuck Off You Don’t Get To Tell Me How To Live Anymore Mode.

MajorTimeWaster
MajorTimeWaster
4 years ago
Reply to  Mama Luna

“Some people like to stay in Victim Mode. I prefer Fuck Off You Don’t Get To Tell Me How To Live Anymore Mode.”

Very interesting. One of the things that kept me in my previous relationship was that I felt entitled to being a victim. Even in victimhood, entitlement can occur. I finally got over myself and was like yes, you are a victim, but you don’t have to be. Get out of it. Because that entitlement not only kept me a victim and kept me in the relationship, but it also kept me bitter and vindictive and I did things I knew were wrong but felt justified to do because I was a victim.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
4 years ago
Reply to  Mama Luna

I know Tracy has a post entitled “Spectrum of Cheaters”. I’ve been reading this site daily (Tracy’s post and ALL the comments) since finding it four years ago and sense there is a spectrum of chumps as well. Everything from those groomed as children by (a) disordered parent(s) to those married/partnered to really sneaky buggers.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
4 years ago
Reply to  Mama Luna

Me too!!!! Sing it, Mana????????????????????????????????

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
4 years ago

Yup????????????????????????????????????????…. Barry, you’re an asshole and you DO NOT SPEAK FOR ME!!!!

I was a chump and now proud to have kicked cheater XH of 25 years out, divorced and at my divorce trial was awarded every single hard asset we had and judge said he wished he could have given me more—- and this is a community property state!!! (I was the primary caregiver for our 4 kids and worked part-time, which permitted XH to “work” (and whore-around) 70+ Hours a week and his earning capacity is 7x of mine). I’ve since nearly doubled my 7 figure net worth, started a new professional career making mid-six figures, all while caring for my devastated kids who are slowly healing from XH’s abuse, building a new social life, and getting to my healthiest and lowest weight since high school. Because of CL and CN, I am no longer a chump! I will never let any narcissist user dupe me again!

So, fuck you Barry! Keep in your own lane!

Lola "Chump" Granola
Lola "Chump" Granola
4 years ago

Whatever.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago

Bwahahahahaha. Note to self and the Barrys of the world, don’t come at Chump Lady. That was an impressive 2×4 smack down!!!

Chump Lady, you have inspired me. I won’t be nice. I won’t live my life to suit others. I won’t back down! I will stand in my truth. I’m proud to be a member of Chump Nation. I aspire to wield a 2×4 with such dexterity and precision! I salute you!

MehBeSoon
MehBeSoon
4 years ago

“I guess I missed the meeting of the Universal Order of the Betrayed where you were elected spokesperson.”

Made me laugh out loud! This entire response is beautiful shade.

Mjb
Mjb
4 years ago
Reply to  MehBeSoon

Yes if Barry is offended, then he has every right to leave the site.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
4 years ago
Reply to  Mjb

Exactly-all the Barrys can simply change the channel.

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
4 years ago

Barry, Hmm I suspect you are not a chump. If you were you would understand what Chumplady is all about. I was a chump. I did not choose to be a chump. My husband chose to lie and cheat on me with my cousin. His cheating ripped my life apart. If you do not like Chumplady’s writing style then do not read it. Cheating is abuse. I do not at all feel that being called a chump is an insult. If you do not like what you read start your own advice blog.

Jenal30
Jenal30
4 years ago

Nice. Love you CL!

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
4 years ago

I feel like I am watching the end of “Revenge of the Nerds” except everyone is chanting “Chumps” instead of “Nerds.”

(We Are The Champions playing in the background) “I am SuperDuperChump….and I’m proud to be a Chump”

MissBailey
MissBailey
4 years ago

I appreciate people who aren’t mealy-mouthed. Cl is straight-forward and that’s just one aspect that I like about her and this wonderful place.

CityChump
CityChump
4 years ago

OMG! Opted for a TV series??!! Your success helps me believe that all is right with the world. That wonderful things happen to good people. You keep rocking it and apologize to no one (unless you actually did something you need to apologize for, NOT USING THE WORD CHUMP, geez Louise…). So excited for that show and potential casting of some kickass comediennes!

Fearful&loathing
Fearful&loathing
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

You should at least get residuals for that cbs (unfortunate) drivel “The Unicorn”. They totally stole that concept phrase from you.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
4 years ago

When I first started coming here, there was a lady in the comment section continually berating anybody who swore. She found it offensive. She was told to fuck off repeatedly as I recall . . .

We never get to see half the absurd letters you get. More more!!

Leonidis
Leonidis
4 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

I would love to read some of those delusional, ridiculous letters.
UBT the F out of them some times.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Wait a dang old second. Chump Lady, do not even tell me those whores write you letters. What are they doing, bragging? Defending their whore honor? Whores write? I thought they’d all be too busy spouse-nabbing. I feel so badly for the good old Universal Bullshit Translator. I’m never disappointed at how low a cheater will go, never.

no-way
no-way
4 years ago

They can write on their backs don’t you know…. ????

GladHe’sGone
GladHe’sGone
4 years ago

You have to wonder what the OW are googling that made them find Chump Lady. ????

Beth
Beth
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Oh but we do though! It’s so cathartic to respond to OWs and Barry’s. We get to vent without having to break NC or gray rock. I love Velvet Hammer’s idea of a Other Person of the Month post. Can we please do it? “Stupid Shit Cheaters Say from Chump Lady’s Mailbag”?

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Sparkly Turd trophy or crown cartoon for the OW/M of the Month, please!

NoRainNoFlowers
NoRainNoFlowers
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I don’t get why OW would write you? But I just love it when you smack them down, too. If you have a big audience of OW writing you, I wish you’d sell their email addresses to spambots and make a little cash off the assholes.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Post idea….Other Person of the Month….most outrageous letter you get from an OW/OM fed into the UBT….

Boudicca
Boudicca
4 years ago

I want to read that as well!

Matt
Matt
4 years ago

Love that Idea!

Persephone
Persephone
4 years ago

Good idea! I’m really interested what kind of crap they come up with. Also, I hope some cheaters are among the post, too.

PastorsWifeChumpNoMore
PastorsWifeChumpNoMore
4 years ago
Reply to  Persephone

Yes!!! We need a “OW of the Month” post!!

So Done
So Done
4 years ago

I would actually LOVE to hear what the OW/OM write. So fascinating that they write to you.

ChumpedPunk
ChumpedPunk
4 years ago

Time to pump the brakes before you run off and try to police the language around here. Calling a chump, a chump is like calling a spade, a spade. It’s what we are. It’s a necessary 2×4 to wake us up from chumpdom and get us going towards LACGAL.

And when did I miss the poll on this? I’m quite capable of speaking for myself and do not need a white knight to attempt to speak for me.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
4 years ago

Thanks for running this letter, boss. I strongly suspect that our boy Barry here is trolling, but I’m sure that someone needs to hear this today, if only to know, “Hey, I *was* doing everything I could, it’s not my fault I crossed paths with a con.”

Creativerational
Creativerational
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I think the whole point of chump is because you have to ‘own’ what your aspect was- you need to fix your picker and set good boundaries and you got the short end of the stick when you held the relationship in good faith. Not that you did anything wrong, You just got had. the subject of a gag, the person who is set up and framed in a crime, all these chumps who do the work and get pwned? We have something in common with them. We were naive. And now we put down our upset feelers, pick up those unsuspecting knitting needles which were so faithfully making our cheating asshole partner a scarf, or our computer programming brain stops writing code for our kitten in cute costumes app and we insteAd sharpen those needles, and kitty claws. We start smartening up about who and what we deserve and how we approach life. Doormat no more, chump recovered, in fact, it no longer is a terrible name, a slight, NAY! It is a mantle I am proud to wear, I EXPECTED DECENCY. I expected love. I expected parity and honesty, and if that makes me a chump…. well, it’s a badge I wear proudly. Fuck the dupers and the whores they rode in on. My world is better. My view is clearer. And I will wear a scarlet C on my chest for all my days to proudly bear witness.

I. AM. A Muther F’in CHUMP!!!

FSW Mid-Atlantic
FSW Mid-Atlantic
4 years ago

This is great:

“I EXPECTED DECENCY”

This is my new mantra in the face of an STBXw

who wont stop saying “everybody cheats” and “get over it” and “what did you expect?”

We should NEVER feel ashamed because we DID WHAT WE PROMISED WE WOULD DO and expected others to do the same

Stay mighty, fellow CHUMPS!!!

Nobody2U
Nobody2U
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

A turd by any other name would still smell like shit..to hell with Barry the bullshitter..I prefer to not use kid gloves and I was a chump..and my stbxh is and always will be a cowardly piece of shit. He is not a wayward in a fog somewhere he is a moron with no moral compass. He will always be lost in the dark but I chose to walk in the light of truth. Preach on my tribe. I am in a kick ass mood today..send Barry to me ! He walked in but he will crawl out!????

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I don’t particularly like being called a chump because I don’t particularly like that I am (was) a chump.

Never in one hundred million years would I have considered telling Chump Lady (or suggesting to her) to stop using the term ON HER OWN BLOG or IN HER OWN BOOK.

We don’t tell other adults who they should be — or, if we do, we may get our asses handed to us, because it’s not appropriate to tell other adults who they should be.

Suggestions can sometimes make for good feedback. Veiled suggestions and direct orders, not so much.

I’ve been here for a long time and I’m ok with “chump” because, painful though it is, it’s accurate. I didn’t like being a chump so I set about working on being less and less of one, not avoiding the term so I could live a lie but just not talk about it so people won’t notice. (That reality avoidance stuff is how cheaters think — and that’s not for me.)

Query
Query
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

What is RIC ?

Moi
Moi
4 years ago
Reply to  Query

How about “ass_-plaining” or ex-plaining”? Or cheating ho used me painfully?

Bruno
Bruno
4 years ago
Reply to  Query

Reconciliation Industrial Complex
According the Chump Lady

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
4 years ago
Reply to  Query

Relationship Industrial Complex.

The vague conspiracy sense that religious and for-profit institutions want you to try to reconcile indefinitely

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
4 years ago

^ “Reconciliation Industrial Complex,” I thought. But yes, this!

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
4 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Urgh. I was thinking about something else at the same time I was typing. It still fits, sorta. But it doesn’t lock in quite as well, does it?

Thanks for catching my mistake.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
4 years ago

For some of us, the entire “relationship” was nothing but reconciliation! ????My pleasure.

Adelante
Adelante
4 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Sure, Barry’s entitled to his opinion. But Barry’s mansplaining to you why on your own blog you shouldn’t use terms of your own invention is “high-handed” to a degree it sticks in my craw.

TheDoug
TheDoug
4 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

I’ve had my cheating ex wife try the say the same bullshit to me when I was telling our group of friends, kids and families.

Maybe the correct term should be abusersplaining. Cheatersplaining.

I’m not sure anyone would appreciate me saying she was just womansplaining things away.

Carol39
Carol39
4 years ago
Reply to  TheDoug

Oooooo… I like the word Cheatersplaining! STBX was great at Cheatersplaining. And it really captures the aura of all their bullshit.

NoMo
NoMo
4 years ago

The thing is, if you have a pattern of accepting abuse you are likely a codependent to some level. Nursing those snowflake tendencies isn’t going to help your case. Getting tough is and accepting the truth is the first step. If you can’t accept the title of Chump, without defensiveness and with a firm resolve to unearn the title, you’re still, imo, struggling to accept the truth.

MajorTimeWaster
MajorTimeWaster
4 years ago
Reply to  NoMo

Ding ding ding!

Tall One
Tall One
4 years ago

I like “chump” for the gentle inferring of a “dopey-spaciness”. Not dumb, not half-wit, but a certain “innocence”.

On the other side of the horror, I gotta own up to my “innocence”. For all my best intentions, I picked the wrong monkey. I would NEVER partner up with another barbed-wire monkey.

This site, this army, this movement is a lot about getting “smart”. If you want to make it to Tuesday, you gotta get smarter. I like that “chump” gently calls me out to be smarter.

I don’t say this out loud in many circles, but that monkey and what she did is forcing me to become a better, stronger, smarter person. Its a f-ed up blessing.

carolin
carolin
4 years ago
Reply to  Tall One

Well said Tall One. I like it too for the reasons you gave. It a hard-earned title. And whilst secretly hoping CL was wrong and her strong language unwarranted for, it turned out my cheating husband really did EVERYTHING she said cheaters do. The charm-rage-self-pity circle of hell, the blame shifting – as if CL had a crystal ball and could predict his behavior. I would still be high on chump-hopium thinking MY cheater is different if she had not been right EVERY step of the way. So, yes, super chump-me, wears the title with pride.

Beau
Beau
4 years ago
Reply to  Tall One

I used to use the term “gullible dumbass” to describe myself, but “chump” gets the job done and is much more effecient.

Creativerational
Creativerational
4 years ago
Reply to  Beau

It doesn’t even use the word ass, which some genteel ears may find quite the affront.

Oh my virgin ears

GrandeDameChump
GrandeDameChump
4 years ago

Thank you Barry for mansplaining all that is wrong with Chumplady’s style. What would she do without helpful people like you? Perhaps you have wardrobe, hair, and makeup style suggestions for her that would make YOU less ‘uncomfortable”, so sorry the “uncomfortableness” of the description is inconvenient for you, heaven forbid YOU feel uncomfortable. Maybe you should examine WHY it makes you feel uncomfortable? Hint: the word “denial” might be useful. Sheesh….

TheDoug
TheDoug
4 years ago

I’ve had my cheating ex wife try the say the same bullshit to me when I was telling our group of friends, kids and families.

Maybe the correct term should be abusersplaining. Cheatersplaining.

I’m not sure anyone would appreciate me saying she was just womansplaining things away.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
4 years ago

Chump here and proud of it and sad to be one.

It stands for Cheating Husband Used Me Painfully on Purpose and I am Pissed Off and Peeved.

So I am actually spelling it CHUMPPPP.

I have a peeve about telling writers how to write as well…..

RoseThorns
RoseThorns
4 years ago

CHUMP = “Cheating Husband Used Me Painfully….” Absolutely love it!

TheBestMe
TheBestMe
4 years ago
Reply to  RoseThorns

CHUMP = Cheating Ho used me painfully (for the men!)

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
4 years ago
Reply to  TheBestMe

HAHA! Cheating humper for the women

kb
kb
4 years ago
Reply to  RoseThorns

Though it doesn’t work for many of our male Chumps, who probably feel as if they’re a minority here.

Big shout out to those male Chumps brave enough to post their experiences. Betrayal hurts no matter what your gender or sexuality may be.

Creativerational
Creativerational
4 years ago
Reply to  kb

You don’t need it to be cheating husbands. Cheating ho used me painfully works perfectly for you delightful men. Thank you for posting, men do get cheated on just as much, and beat their stuff in silence sometimes. It’s good to see you here.

CalGal1
CalGal1
4 years ago
Reply to  kb

Cheating Human Used Me Painfully. Applies to all genders and combinations and can even apply to friend/family/workplace dynamics.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
4 years ago
Reply to  CalGal1

Yes! And I think I did use “human” for the H when I have posted this before…..

❤️

Bruno
Bruno
4 years ago
Reply to  kb

Thank you kb.
I do sometimes cringe when “mansplaining” gets tossed around, but I have to confess that I have been guilty of chauvinist assumptions and talked down to or over women. It is not OK and I am sorry for occasionally being a perpetrator. Being chumped and working hard to become healthier in relationships has helped me see it in myself and want to do better.

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  Bruno

We have to find a gender-neutral word for this tendency. ’cause I have a female friend who does this fairly often. Any suggestions?

When it’s a cheater or other abuser doing this, it’s just general mind-fuckery and gas-lighting. They LOVE to try to control our view of reality, or at least to confuse us so much we are not longer sure what’s real.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
4 years ago

DUPE/licate comment….sorry!!

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
4 years ago

I can only imagine the Universal Bullshit Translator doing its thing:
“I find your aggressive writing style makes me uncomfortable”
Translation: My betrayed better half found this site, called me out on my bullshit, left me to rot, and would no longer accept my condescending narcissism and gaslighting. Let me try it out on you.
Chumpnation: Fuck off Barry.

SouthernChump
SouthernChump
4 years ago

No shit, people don’t want to be called chumps! Just like they don’t want an abusive gaslighting lying asshole for a partner. Duh!

So Barry, instead of chump you can elect from any of the following to be called instead: a moron, stupid, idiot, dumbass, co-dependent (because nothing says your really fucked up as a being called nice therapy term), desperate, needy, etc. Not sure about you (since you are obviously a man) but I’ve been called all of those things by different people. So while you, Barry, want to say the term chump is offensive I think it’s way more fitting than the other. Maybe because your a man, and society as a whole has more sympathy for men, you haven’t been called those things but being the butt end of infidelity for a woman looks a whole lot different. We are shamed, looked down upon and called all of those things and more. Maybe you should really think about that and put into perspective for all of us “chumps” out there.

UXworld
UXworld
4 years ago

(music by Queen, lyrics by Chump Nation)

We’ve been hit hard
Really been burned
We’ve done the lifting
And got shit in return
So we come here
Lest we forget
We have a name that we claim as our own
With no regret

We are the Chumpions, you see
And we’ll keep on feeding the U-B-T
We are the Chumpions
We are the Chumpions
No time for fuckwits
‘Cause we are the chumpions . . . of the world!

spiritwoman
spiritwoman
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I vote for this as the Chump Nation theme song!

Georgie
Georgie
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Lol UXworld. Brilliant!

Beth
Beth
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

That is one of your best, UX!

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

YES!!!

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UXWorld, you also go above and beyond ????

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Good one!

NJSC
NJSC
4 years ago

I am a chump but hopefully won’t remain a chump through the rest of my relationship(s) ????

HappyChump
HappyChump
4 years ago

I read CL’s book before I found her blog. I think my first response to the word chump was “ouch, I don’t like that” . But by the time I finished her book I realized I was a chump. No, it is not a nice word; no one wants to be a chump. Also, one wants to be cheated on, lied to and abused. But guess what, they are all true. Embracing the word chump allows you to be mad and understand the dynamic of what was really going on in your relationship. In a world that describes cheating as a mistake, I needed to hear Chump Lady tell me I was a chump!!

IWantHerToSuck
IWantHerToSuck
4 years ago

OUUUUUUUUUCH.

You want some aloe for that burn Barry?

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
4 years ago

In order to fix a problem, you first have to admit there is a problem. It’s why drug addicts and alcoholics go to anonymous groups and stand up, introduce themselves, and tell everyone that they’re either an alcoholic or a drug addict. If they can’t admit that, then they can’t address the problem. Pretty much the same thing in this group. In the beginning most of us embrace our chump title, work on getting rid of the problem, and continue to do the work so we NEVER accept that kind of behavior from anyone else EVER again.

Euphemisms help no one, except maybe the reconciliation industrial complex!

Tempest
Tempest
4 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Excellent points, Cheaterssuck.

dm
dm
4 years ago

Barry – what you need to understand is that accepting the label ‘Chump’ has been empowering. Say it loud and clear. I am a Chump. It has allow me to step out of the shadow of that deep humiliation which is the added bonus to betrayal. It has allowed me through humor and snark and community to own my situation on my terms. In the middle of the night when you’re googling if and how everything you loved and cared for will be taken from you, this site is such a delightful sanctuary. Welcome to Chump Nation, Barry. We are loyal and will lift you up when you are at your lowest with good snark, legal advice and a knowledge that you’re not alone.

Mac1234
Mac1234
4 years ago
Reply to  dm

Very good response. I got eviscerated for a letter here awhile back, during my identity crisis, wondering if there is some way this could be the best thing that ever happened to me. Yeah the whole thing has been super shitty. But damn it I’m leaving, making my own life, no more doormat shit, doing whatever I want, setting my own goals. I have every intention of making this event the impetus for a wonderful life. So yeah poor Barry getting thrown to the chump nation wolves when he really just needs to buy the book and join the community.

Sisu
Sisu
4 years ago
Reply to  Mac1234

I too have decided to use this shitty experience to build a better life. Good for you, Mac for turning a negative into a positive.

Trudy
Trudy
4 years ago

Barry, this is sometimes the only place sweet little Spacklin church ladies and gentlemen get a chance to vent. Rarely do I get to spit out frustrated curses in writing but it can be cathartic, especially when in my real life I get a lot of shit sandwiches to choke on. We are free of the nice police here. I hope you can understand that.

SerenityNow
SerenityNow
4 years ago

I didn’t like the term chump when I started here either. It made me feel “less than.” However, I LOVED the writing style. Snark and swearing help me get through the day sometimes.

I was duped by my husband. He’s a monumental scumbag, but I smoked that hopium pipe, much like he hit that crack pipe. I hoped he’d get better. Then after DDay I hoped he would still turn things around. That didn’t happen and I’m hoping, now, that the real healing can begin once the divorce is final.

At the end of the day, I was chumped. I am a chump. I don’t like it, but I have to work with what’s in front of me. An ugly word for an even uglier situation. I’m glad I found this website and the book, because both have gotten me through some dark days with helpful tools I needed to stay sane.

DuddersGetsChumped
DuddersGetsChumped
4 years ago

It is exactly Chump Lady’s writing style that meant I sat up and took notice and differentiated it for me from the other backloads of garbage on the interwebz. And not least because in my darkest times it had my laughing my head off pretty much every day.

Don’t change a thing. I’d got for more cuss words but that’s just personal choice.

An option on a TV series you say……. Interesting. Haven’t you got an election coming up next year too?

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
4 years ago

Ha! Tracy 2020! I’m VERY into this.

Quetzal
Quetzal
4 years ago

Maybe it helped that I wasnt familiar with the word “chump” prior to this blog, but if I ever had a double-take at benignly being called “stupid”, I always kept in mind it’s how Tracy appoints herself (Chump Lady), so how much of an insult can it really be? It’s clear there is a point to the message.

And I definitely believe the blunt, wake-up calley language saved my life.
All others resources are impersonal and speak in general terms. What you’ll find here is simply different and thank heaven!

PastorsWifeChumpNoMore
PastorsWifeChumpNoMore
4 years ago
Reply to  Quetzal

Totally saved my life!! It woke me up BIG TIME and helped me move forward with ME in mind

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
4 years ago

BARRY

Before Assigning Rules Remember You’re a Yokel…..

(I love acronyms!)

????

Miss Guided
Miss Guided
4 years ago

The amount of nicknames here incorporating “chump” into them tells clearly that we chumps don’t generally mind being called chumps.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
4 years ago

Oh I totally needed to recognize my chumpiness, come to terms with it, and OWN IT when I first visited this site. Thanks for helping me do that, and helping me banish most of my chumpy ways and reclaim dignity, Chump Lady.

Just wanted to also point out that there are a lot of other current movements that are similar in terms of how they reclaim a term that was commonly used derisively, fat positivity being the thing that comes to my mind first! ????

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
4 years ago

I agree, “chump” is the best term. Frankly, the entire experience of being cheated on is so humiliating, so degrading, and so destructive to your self-worth, any shame from being called “chump” doesn’t register. I’m proud of being able to say I’m a “chump,” if for no other reason than making sure the outside world truly understands how bad this is. Someone deliberately took advantage of the closest trust two people can have to commit acts that would kill me inside, and then went through enormous gymnastics to hide it; when discovered, she went through more linguistic gymnastics to blame it on me. So, yeah, I’m a chump.

I’m guessing “Barry” has never been a chump. His letter reads like advice on childrearing from snooty people who don’t actually have any kids of their own.

MostlyMEH
MostlyMEH
4 years ago

“…I find your aggressive writing style makes me uncomfortable.”

That’s kinda the point, Barry. Writing and sharing of thought is not meant to make you comfortable. Chumps don’t change a life situation or challenge thinking about the status quo or make progress by remaining “comfortable.” Being chumped isn’t comfortable. Dealing with the aftermath of infidelity isn’t comfortable. Writing about infidelity cannot and should not be “comfortable.”

The better honesty here is to identify why you are uncomfortable with a word choice. The discomfort shouldn’t be at the word “chump,” but in the situation that make you a “chump” in the first place. Only by focusing on the nature of our own discomfort can we overcome it and be stronger in the end. (I mean, it still sucks, but that’s the control we do have in the situation.)

Thanks to Chump Lady and this community for telling it like it is and being a continual support. Long-time lurker and first time contributor, and glad that I found this resource each and every day.

HM
HM
4 years ago

Former Chump here…And I love the term! It’s like taking back your power like any disenfranchised population in history. Take those slurs and wear them proudly! Says that these things you did to me, these words you apply to me…they don’t define me. ????????✊

Shewarrior
Shewarrior
4 years ago

????????

Magneto
Magneto
4 years ago

Didn’t want to be called divorced, either, BUT ‘dems da facts.

Queen of the Chumps!
Queen of the Chumps!
4 years ago

Brilliant! I love you, CHUMP lady!

Gerberachump
Gerberachump
4 years ago

Rock on Chump Lady. I’ve been a long time reader, first time post.

When I first discovered chumplady I just ‘got it’. Chump. Describes the situation in one five letter word. Incorporated in chump is codependence, abuse, theft, gaslighting, blamesiding, irrationality, duplicity, dysfunction, lying, loneliness, loss, devastation, vomiting, crying, suicidal ideation, panic attacks, pick me dancing, narcissism, cruelty, misery, jealousy, hate, anger, rage, but also love, laughter, understanding, support, gentleness, hope, meh, Tuesday, snark, a virtual hug, a kick up the backside, truth, reality, honesty, encouragement, independence, kindness, connection, recovery, wholeness, excitement, humour, joy.

I think the word Chump does exactly what it says on the tin.

chumpupthevolume
chumpupthevolume
4 years ago
Reply to  Gerberachump

???? Perfectly stated. I hope you post more often.

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
4 years ago

While I love your response, I’m not sure I completely agree with you assumption of the intentions of the writer…..I don’t think the writer of this letter was trying to “girl-smile-more” you. I think he was simply grappling with the pride-swallowing effect of being cheated on. Having to brandish the title ‘chump’ was just too much.

Admitting you’ve been chumped is pride-crushing for anyone, however, males I know have a harder time admitting it, compared to females. Just a theory.

For the record, I also like the word “Conned” because it sums up the chump situation pretty well, too. It’s not a title, it and of itself, but it does a pretty good job of explaining the dynamics.

Mac1234
Mac1234
4 years ago
Reply to  LiningUpDucks

By the time we get here, guys have already learned they are cucks, beta males, and pussies. Chump is so tame compared to those painful titles. I think Barry is in the throes of his identity crisis. He hasn’t read enough chumplady. Barry, the whole point of this blog is the cheater is fully responsible for their actions. It is a rebuttal to the “it takes two” established narrative, which is extremely harmful (I believed it for a few months). You aren’t to blame. Your life is not about infidelity. If someone wants to call you a cuck or a chump, it actually doesn’t matter. What does matter is you healing from betrayal and returning to good mental health. Therefore, leave a cheater gain a life and find peace knowing this mess does not define you.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
4 years ago
Reply to  Mac1234

Cuck… beta male…. that is red pill incel terminology, which I never thought I would read on chumplady.

If incel stuff is your thing there’s plenty of blogs out there for you, chumplady probably isn’t it.

chumpupthevolume
chumpupthevolume
4 years ago
Reply to  LiningUpDucks

This guy wants her to re-name her blog and change her writing style so he won’t be personally offended by it, so I’d say you’re being a tad too generous about his motives. I do agree that it’s not a “girl, smile more” thing. It’s just garden variety sensitivity fascism.

That being said, it was kind of you to defend him and I salute you for it.

Expecting
Expecting
4 years ago
Reply to  LiningUpDucks

Totally agree with you. When you’re already at your lowest point after discovery, you want to be wrapped in a warm blanket of comfort. But, warm blankets keep you cozy. Accepting ownership of Chumpness gets your butt up and out lol.

Expecting
Expecting
4 years ago

Who wants to be a chump?? Show of hands. Anyone?? **taps mic** This thing on?!

*sigh* I hope Barry isn’t getting discouraged. For some, being called a Chump is an acquired taste. But NOBODY wants to be a chump. That’s the point.

For me, the term “chump” didn’t bother me… but, I had a hard time swallowing the jagged pill that I was a repeat-chump. Because it placed the ownership of leaving on me. (Well shiiiiiiiiit.)

I was over being a Chump, but I would have kept being a chump had I stayed in my abusive/toxic marriage any longer than I already had.

Barry, the bluntness harsh reality of being a chump is part of the wake up process. Maybe it’s not for everyone… but neither is idling sugar coating the harsh reality of being cheated on.

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago
Reply to  Expecting

Chump is so much better than being the partner “equally to blame” or the person “not handling the divorce(or breakup)” as well as the cheater.

Beth
Beth
4 years ago
Reply to  madkatie63

EXACTLY!! Understanding that you were chumped and are not to blame is the first step in getting your power (and your life) back.

Kari
Kari
4 years ago

Face it Barry…a chump IS a chump. By definition, a chump is an ‘easily deceived person.’ Get it? With the support of CL and CN behind them, chumps will not let that moniker define them indefinitely. Why Barry? Because they have the love, support, understanding and the ‘aggressive, uncomfortable’ snarkiness from someone that I myself, now consider a Champ! Her words, this site, CN? Together, we make a strong statement that defies everything the RIC will ever have to offer.
Signed-Proud to be a Chump!

chumpupthevolume
chumpupthevolume
4 years ago

Yes, there are indeed chumps who are timid forest creatures. Apparently, Barry needs a safe space where he doesn’t have to hear words he personally dislikes. Well, majority rules, so Barry needs to go someplace else where his tender sensibilities will never be offended. The problem for Barry is that such a place is not found on the interwebs. It’s not even found on planet earth for that matter. So it would appear Barry has two choices; he can decide to stop being so easily offended or he can leave the planet. Oh, I forgot the third one; be perpetually offended and lecture people who don’t conform to his beliefs about using the proper words (we can find them in The World According to Barry, volume six) so as not to upset timid forest creatures. Good luck with all that, Barry.

StrongerNow
StrongerNow
4 years ago

BAM!

Way to go, CL!!!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
4 years ago

CHUMP

I am a Chump.
On rip the heart out day, known as DDay, ( is DDay an ok word to use Barry)?
my world was turned upside down.
Some know some of my story, cheater stayed, we moved away, he changed jobs….
I did not confide in anyone, went about my life staying the present, sane, loving parent, for my beautiful Children.
( cheaters are often narc like characters and they can make life pretty difficult ( is narc an ok word to use also, Barry)?
Well, things were never easy and as the years passed I often wondered how can a person be like this. What is the matter with him?
Not that many years ago, while googling, I came upon Chump Lady!

Well, let me tell you Barry!
I learned cheater is a cheater/ narc.
I am a Chump!

Did that upset me to learn I was/am, a Chump?
Hell to the NO Barry.
I learned all of the crap was NEVER my fault.
I learned so much here.
I cannot see,but I can feel the presence, of so many understanding, loving, kind, powerful, CHUMPS.
I am proud to be among these beautiful people.
( of course I wish I had no need to be here, but in reality Barry, I am a Chump, I belong here).

I don’t think anyone here can help you Barry.
Please don’t waste Chump Lady’s time.
She is so very valuable to us real CHUMPS.

Still, being a peacekeeper, I am sorry for your pain, and I hope you can find some happiness in this beautiful world.

I.AM.A.CHUMP

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago

Hey Chump Lady–I’m not sure, but I am thinking Barry is the same one who criticized you when you told me not to use the word “scorned” in reference to myself …when you responded to my letter almost a year ago. Maybe not, but that person had the same tone. I love the word chump, because it captures so many aspects of the situation. Chumps are not to blame for any of the terrible things done to them, that led to being duped. Chumps are only to blame for not taking care of themselves, for not seeing the deception. The word chump reminds us that what we can control is our reaction to a situation, our analysis of a situation as it is happening, but not another person. It is really the only word that summarizes us. I do like using euphemisms like “woman scorned” but that may require my bitchy, “faux Shakespearian” delivery tone to get the sentiment across. Chump, on the other hand, stands on its own.

Please, please, please X10^10…post some OW letters. That would be such a fun Friday post. Even when we hit meh, co-parenting over the holidays can bring up these little relapses, and digging claws into an OW letter might be just what the chump needs.