Things can get a little lonely sometimes. New lives have their dry spells. (But remember, nothing is as arid and soul-crushing as life with a fuckwit.)
I was writing to an Australian chump yesterday and sent a virtual ((hug)) and she wrote back thanks for the hug using the hashtag #combattingloneliness — and I thought, damn, that’s a Friday discussion.
Not a collective expression of the sadz (but hey, if you need to go there, share. We get it) — but more like practical funk-busting tips.
What gets you out of your head and connected to others?
I’ve always believed in the adage if you want a friend, be a friend. There’s so much need in the world, you can throw yourself at something. Be the hug-giver. The soup ladler. The show-up committee member.
I’m single parenting over here, Tracy. I’m exhausted. Enough with your do-gooding bullshit.
Okay. Do you take the dog for a walk? Bolster another chump online? Tell the older woman in the elevator you like her scarf?
How about exercise? Do you kick-box the blues away? Stomp the grief into little pulverized bits? Grind it into a fine dust and sprinkle it over ice cream?
What are you doing to fight Dementors?
I ran this challenge past Mr. CL who said, “I want specifics. A goal without a plan is just a wish.” So I had to Google that. Thus the meme.
In the Making the World a Better Place column, did you guys see this article in the Washington Post today about the school teacher Keisha Yearby in Maryland who does Facebook live to read bed-time stories to her students?
Need some warm fuzzies, read it! I LOVE her. You know those kids are going to remember that teacher for the rest of their lives.
TGIF, mighty CN!
I do community theatre.. we may not be the best or even remotely professional at it but we have fun and we are a family. I always have someone living to talk to or have breakfast or dinner with.
Newlady that is awesome!!!
Oh I do too much. ???? The year I got divorced I ran a half marathon. Thought that would be a good way to feel MIGHTY, ya know? It was…but also it gave me a bug to be EPIC and mighty. All the time. Since then I’ve become a Wilderness First Responder, became an activist, went to Standing Rock, started nursing school, got involved with a foot clinic for people who are homeless, and climbed Kilimanjaro. I’m gonna do all 7 summits, hike the Appalachian Trail, become a nurse practitioner, and become an aikido practitioner in the next ten years. ????????
Whoops, sorry — meant to post this as a new comment, not a reply! ????
What didn’t you become an activist for?
That’s amazing and gives me hope to step out of the hurt and discover the new me, I want to start pro bono work this year and really invest in my self. I really need to step away from the cheater who has a girlfriend 4 weeks after I forced us to put our join home in the rental market and now has to resign because he made a sexual advance towards a women at work.
MIGHTY, in epic proportions!
This is a great community who Always Needs Help! Can you paint or sew? Theater groups need costumes and sets! Can you clean? Always a dirty dressing room or green room that needs a once over! Can you show up when you say you’re going to and take direction? (Put that pile of stuff over there in this car and go with them to unload it.) Find a local theater group!
I have found that keeping myself busy is paramount. I have a goal of buying a home in the near future so I have thrown myself into workIng a second job to save for a downpayment. I addition to the extra hours, I am running, I go to a yoga class once a week, I am working in my masters degree and I am trying to be the best mom that I can be after the fallout with the cheater and sharing custody. (It sucks.)
Things have steadily gotten easier and I am working to create my tribe. People who are not affiliated with the cheater. I hope this helps to inspire other Chumps! Do EVERYTHING that you wanted to do, but couldn’t because you were tied to a selfish cheater! That is what I’m living for!
I love that. I did the same thing a few years back. It definitely takes time and keeping focused. I relocated with my kids to another state to finish a graduate program that I’d started right before finding out ex husband was having affair with psychologist at work. Everyone thought I was crazy and I’m sure my cheater ex husband hoped I’d fail. Surprise! I finished the program (with a lot of sweat and tears of course) bought our own home a year later and finally replaced the family car I bought with him 10 years ago before my son was born. It was all kind of bittersweet but I remind myself how far I’ve come and realize I had strength I didn’t know I had. You’ll be there soon. As for my old douchebag he married the howorker he cheated with and moved into her home but from what my kids say it doesn’t sound so great or stable. Time will tell. One thing I’ll say is working so hard to accomplish all this I didnt have time to get lonely. Now that some of those big goals are met it hits me but I’m trying to now focus on strategies to get through it. Not easy but like I said when I think of D day and fighting with ex for 2 years over legal stuff while trying to do everything else and survived figure I can deal with the loneliness. But it did hit me out if the blue because I was so busy and focused for 2.5 years surviving graduate school, clinical rotations, raising 2 little boys and trying to keep my head above water financially. I have time now to reflect and I get a little sad that I’m alone. I’ve made friends but also lost old friends and my romantic life is zilch. But better to be here than ever being in that situation again. Things can be boring but at least they’re now stable for my kids and me. Good luck with your studies and finding a home. You’ll hit that target before you know it.
You are a warrior! What a great example you are to your kids. Xx
Fiddle lessons. I’m 52, so yes you can.
I’m 45 and have picked up the ukulele, baritone ukulele, banjo, guitar and mandolin. Once you learn one, the rest are much easier. I also play in two different bands. When you play, all the worries fall away.
I would have never been able to do this married to my Ex.
The point is, you are never too old to pick up a new hobby or skill.
Hey that reminds me, someone offered me a piano a couple years ago and XBF didn’t want it in the house. I played all the way through school (20 years ago lol). I should try to find one again! Thanks for that!
Learning the harmonica along with my 13 y.o. nephew, picking up my Botanical Illustration hobby again, planning a beautiful garden retreat in a neglected area, going to learn about how to use mason bees for pollinating things in my new area, planting perrineals in my front yard so I don’t have to keep planting annuals!!
So my mom died, my last child left home, and the fuckwit left along with half his family (in it 30+ years).
It was soul crushing lonely and still is some days. I’m 62. But I found ways…let me count them
1.Bodhran (Irish Drum lessons once a week for a half hour after two and a half years my instructor is talking about me playing in public and upgrading my drum. Score!
2. Joined a bicycle club that morphs into a walking club in the winter. Met a few nice people to do other thing with.
3. I decided that when I retire I will be an artist so I am taking refresher classes. Found a few coops that for a small fee I can paint real life models. I also met a few fellow students (in their 20’s) that will go with me as we are all a little intimidated to go alone.
4. Yoga class. It feels good that people recognize me and they know my name to check me in
5. I also have a new rule that whenever possible if someone asks me to do something with them I will say yes.Even if it’s outside my comfort zone, and they are younger- older- whatever.
It has taken 3 1/2 years and I built it bit by bit. I want to get a pet – dog or cat but I’m kind of busy and right now not a lot of extra time. So I may wait until I’m a retired artist.
I still get lonesome and there is a hole in me that I would like to understand and fill. I think I would like to be a primary person for someone worthy. I don’t want to just fill time with busy stuff it has to have more meaning. The art classes mean a new life, drum a new way of using my mind and the new people opening me up to trust again. The holidays for some reason were grueling this year. Maybe because all else comes to a halt (classes and outside of family activities) and you are forced into pretending all is well. I will rethink this for next year. Anyone know a fun place in the world that does not celebrate xmas? Maybe we could do a mass chump holiday get away.
I love your #5. I don’t have many friends but I realised I’ve been practicing it too. Last year was my first year out and no contact and each time I was to go out I felt like cancelling because I was so down all the time but looking back, it was life saving because I made some memories other than sitting on the floor and crying. I look back and I see that yes I can.
Queen of the Hunt. I did #5 because of the same thing. I was down and cancelling would have been easier. So I make myself..I also listen to myself. Sometimes I just need to be alone. It’s great to be able to concentrate on what I need…but it’s new and scary. Hang in there!
Yes spoonriver. Almost 3 years for me and Christmas New Year hardest as my normal routine is disrupted. In Australia this includes long Summer holidays. I am retired but in term time I have a weekly routine: yoga, golf, walking and volunteering for meals on wheels and migrant English. Plus coffee, meals, theatre, movies etc with friends. Keeping busy is the key for me oh and some binge watching on streaming tv.
Japan was the best place I ever did xmas. I was on the southern island of the 88 temples – regularly hiked/ climbed. There was recognition of xmas and lots of friends and their families wanted to have me other that day to ask if ‘some of the crazy things they heard about xmas in the US was true’.
I spent last Christmas in Jamaica with my son and his now ex-girlfriend. There were Christmas decorations and music at our resort, but it wasn’t overwhelming. We had Christmas Day dinner on the beach and listened to Christmas songs played on a tin drum with a reggae beat. It was fantastic.
Next year I plan to be traveling over the holidays as well. My Dday was 4 months ago (24 yr marriage that was seemingly perfect while he was living a double life for years).
Im still in shock and plan to hit the road again soon.
I spent Thanksgiving and my birthday in S. Africa because I would have been alone at home. First time in my life I spent Christmas alone. It was hell! I vow to be traveling next year! I’ve spent Christmas in Argentina and China~ Christmas away from loved ones isn’t sad when you are surrounded by new surroundings and culture. No need to go to a non Christian country- just go. Anywhere. It will be wonderful.
Yes, holiday’s and Sunday’s can be a bit bleak.
This is a huge problem for me. I stay very busy. I do things alone and with friends. Frankly, I’m tired of being with friends. My job is great. My teenager doing very well but never home now that she’s driving. There is a huge emptiness in life. I don’t need someone in my life everyday but I need someone on the days that matter.
I get it, similar boat. I miss having my “person” and now I know that’s ok. I’m not dating (????) just trying to stay engaged, and learning to be less “reactive” when it comes to loneliness. Also good to know it’s normal. Thinking about church, even though I’m an atheist, for the community connection.
Unitarian churches are often a good choice for atheists–they prioritize the community of the congregation above the specific beliefs of any member. That said, the “flavor” of each Unitarian congregation can vary immensely. I belonged to one that was very musically oriented–great choirs and concert series and music classes. Another was deeply connected to the arts–especially local artists and regional folk art traditions (but no one could sing, there was no choir, etc.) After one move across the country I tried one that had a lot of pagan and Wiccan members, and it was not my cup of tea (though they put on the best multi-faith holiday pageant with kids that I’ve ever seen). The one I am tangentially connected with now is more than 45 minutes from my home–which is fine for a weekly service, but it has kept me from being deeply involved in the community.
Maybe you were just being funny, but depending on where you live, there are “churches” that are more in keeping with atheist perspectives. There is a joke that Unitarian Universalists believe there is at most one God, and that’s sort of true. A Buddhist meditation centre won’t ask for a declaration of any faith. If you are pacifist inclined, the Quakers are good to check out. All will have groups that do good work in your community and other events/activities. I hope you find the loving community that is right for you.
Also, most types of Buddhism do not require a belief in any kind of creator God. There’s a belief that something exists beyond the physical, but the goal isn’t to attain some sort of eternal reward. Instead, the goal is to attain the kind of enlightment that frees the individual from the cycle of death and rebirth. “Soft atheists” who reject the notion of a creator god but are sympathetic to a spiritual dimension can sometimes find a home in Buddhism.
American Humanist Association is a good one for atheists. As is The Skeptics Society.
I’m an introvert and an atheist, so these are my suggestions.
If you sing, joining a community or auditioned choir can connect you with people who have a sense of community, without joining a group that has a mission statement that might not be in keeping with your own. A lot of choir members are church-going, but some are atheists … but we all sing secular and sacred music, and come from all walks of life, with lots of professional and other networks to tap into or learn from. We meet once a week in rehearsal and socially outside of choir. There are also more and more groups starting for people who wanna sing but kinda suck at it … they’re a lot of fun, too.
If you like to dance but not dance troupe material, look up Groove Dancing … tons of fun, great for introverts. Also, Camp Yoga (Canada and the States) is fantastic for a weekend blitz of yoga, rock climbing, canoeing, groove dancing, archery, eating, drinking if you want, campfires, etc., making friends or not, your choice, all ages 19 and up. I’m in my 60s, and had a blast.
There are secular groups just for the purpose of community. Google Oasis Secular Community. Maybe there is one in your area.
((hugs))
Lame parentheses. But I get it.
I’m sorry you’re lonely, Annette.
Having a partner on the days that matter is not itself a panacea for loneliness. I had major surgery this past Monday and my partner (who seemed as if he was going to be nurturing through my recovery) picked an unnecessary fight a mere 8 hours after I was out of the operating room. I’d have felt less lonely if I’d been alone.
My divorced and now single friend says that you’re never as deeply lonely as in a crap marriage.
I agree Persephone. I never felt as lonely as when I was laying in bed with an ex who wouldn’t talk to me. I find loneliness as a single much easier to bear.
I was telling a friend about the marriage and she said, it must have been a lonely marriage. It wasn’t till I was out that I realized just how alone I was. His needs and dreams always came first. What free time he did have was never spent with me. And I was expected to cope with all my problems by myself while I rallied around him like a cheerleader. I once told him that I wanted a single life, I would have never married. I thought he wanted to be my partner, my friend, my confidant. I was very wrong.
Tempest,
Im so sorry this happened to you! It is true that some people leave you feeling more alone than being by yourself. Do you think this has created an impasse in the relationship? You are a fabulous person and I want the very best for you.
I thought of you and CL recently because I have to write a response to an ethics article for my bioethics class and the author of the article is (none other than the notorious) David Brooks. I think I will tell the truth about what I think of Brooks’ social commentary. Sparks may fly.
Thanks, UNC. After my lonely marriage, I only want a relationship with a true emotional partner. Someone who can’t put his own issue with me aside for 12 hours after I’ve have a bone sawed through is not someone I consider a great emotional partner. Not sure how long things will take to play out, but I am content to be “in a relationship with myself” as Emma Watson put it.
And you go, girl! Take down David a Brooks and his dubious ethics. CN is behind you.
Tempest,
I hope the surgery went well and that healing is quick and as painless as possible.
Your online community of chumps will tell you that you need and deserve more than what was shown to you post-op!
I would have flown there to be with you (as would many of us here) and who fights with a partner who just had surgery?
Please don’t let anyone tell you that kind of behavior is OK.
Sending you healing thoughts and lots of love ????
Thanks, Rebecca! Recovery is proceeding nicely (and forcing me to slow down!) xoxo
I was ready to get on a plane today w soup in hand! Xx
I’m so sorry to hear that this happened to you, although I too am trying to find happiness “in a relationship with myself”—although the Emma Watson quote is somewhat triggering for me right now as my husband referred to himself as “self-partnered” to his AP while he was married to me. What?!?!
uh – no – that’s not self partnered and he doesn’t get to claim it!
He was confusing self-partnered with self absorbed.
Hugs, Tempest. I am glad you are on the mend, and glad you are not spackling your guy’s behavior. Personally, I think you deserve a guy who worships the ground you walk on and who is happy and grateful to be with you.
Virtual hug and support. Follow ur physio and use the time in between to enjoy books, articles, movies, and indulgences you wouldn’t otherwise have the time for. I enjoy watching wildlife outside my window.
Hope your recovery is going well, Tempest. Am so sorry about your no-show partner! It’s been my experience that a lot of people get so nervous about medical issues that they make more work for the patient rather than less, and picking a fight sounds like that sort of externalized discomfort. Even if there might be an explanation for it, it still doesn’t help you when you’re trying to recover, though! And that kind of reaction seems like a red flag for how a partner might deal with other uncomfortable situations in the future.
Thanks, LezChump. I agree, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
This gave me flashbacks of ex husband – who fought with me on the way to the hospital during my first miscarriage. That’s cause when his mom came by to watch our son they started fighting because she was panicking and yelling at him because he wasn’t waking up to take me (it was 2 in the afternoon) and then he yelled at her and I stood up for his mom. He fought with me our whole car ride and I remember begging him to slow down on the ride cause the bumps were causing so much pain! That was 3 years before he left us. 1 year before he left us he woke me up at 7am because he didn’t want to watch son. This was during a 2nd pregnancy In which I had to have an operation the night before and was exhausted and needed to sleep and resulted in another fight in which he told me the melanoma removed was just a mole and they didn’t even use general anesthesia (cause I was pregnant and dr at Sloan wasn’t allowed)
Point being. These guys don’t change.
BTW… Now I’m with the most incredible guy and I’m in the process of starting my own business.
Ugh, horrible man, your X. Sometimes it takes medical procedures to remove the dead weight. Very happy you are with a great guy now; you’ve more than earned it, J.
Hi Tempest.
I am sorry that your situation with your partner was less than optimal post-op. Wish you a speedy recovery.
After reading scholarship applications and realizing how many youth are housing insecure, I decided to invite a renter into my home. It wasn’t perfect, but it certainly help bust loneliness. I’ve also hosted several exchange students, which is great for the world:)
They’re gone now and I’m glad to have my house to myself for awhile.
OneOfFour,
Good for you!
I became more active with my state’s Audubon circle of birders. Besides seeing birds, I have met new people, get out of house (and out of my head) for some natural vitamin D, exercise and general better attitude.
I also took Master Gardener classes in 2018 and will be getting my volunteer hours this years. Gardeners are lovely people. I like volunteering. Also been a volunteer AARP tax preparer for the last 11 years. Just today, I read that the local hospital is looking to implement a volunteer program to sit with patients that are dying and alone. Giving yourself to others is a very rewarding to people you help, and also to yourself.
Tax-Aide is awesome! That is SO COOL!
Also, for any low- to middle-income chumps in the US who need help with tax prep, Tax-Aide is FREE (they’ll take anyone but they don’t do complicated taxes, like businesses and real estate stuff). https://www.aarp.org/money/taxes/aarp_taxaide/
Just fill in your zip code and you can find one near you. You have to make an appointment tho.
Thanks for the shout out Ms Bailey
Miss Bailey, Im one of the oddballs who would sit with dying people. I worked for and have volunteered for hospices and was sometimes one of the few they could get to work on the pediatric cases. There is great love in doing that.
In one city I lived in, a well known Roman Catholic Bishop was dying and most folks never learned that the person present for him at the moment of death was a female left-wing chaplain/lawyer/dog groomer …now tell me God doesn’t have a fabulous sense of humor !
Good for you, UnicornNoMore. I would like to do the same after my kids leave home.
I am traveling. Weekend trips. Football games. Breakfast or dinner with friends. Eating things that cheater would never try I am living and laughing again. It is finite finally. Reading in bed with snacks. Whatever I want to do. I guess that’s the point. Making myself whole again.
Ha! The blessed simple things: “reading in bed with snacks,” WHAT A JOY! I also read in bed with snacks, often with two dogs and two cats. Soooo grateful.
Spend a lot of time with my kids who are luckily around quite a bit (I get them 2/3 of the time, their choice :)). The rest of the time I have poured myself into my businesses, something I was never able to do before because I was spending so much time and energy dealing with all of the drama created out of thin air. It feels so good to be free! Loneliness!?!
This may sound weird, but since I let the X go, I’m not lonely anymore. Lonely was loving someone who didn’t love me back. Having a child with someone who would never be there for me. Heartbreaking nights wondering where he was. Since letting that go, I feel the love of friends around me, even when they
are not here.
I love myself again. I talk to myself all the time. I tell my new loving husband, when he calls me out for taking to myself, I’m my own best friend and it’s true. I think it all starts with loving yourself and feeling comfortable just being alone. That’s my two cents.
I lived alone for 8 years when I was young and talk to myself as well! I’m thankful I had that experience though, because I loved living alone and never felt lonely. I just felt free to do what I wanted, when I wanted.
I try to remember that when I start feeling sad about my “empty nest” years that are swiftly approaching.
Oh my goodness! During the last couple of years of my marriage when I was sobbing on the phone to my sister about my life with the dick, she asked me, “What are you afraid of?!” I said, “I’m afraid of being alone.” She said, “You’re alone now!” And that’s the first time I realized that I was married but alone. Since I’ve been “alone”, I’m so much happier. I say this often now, “I’d rather be alone than ever be married to a dick again.”
Amen
People seemed to line up in rows to throw stones at me when I started dating 6 months after Cheater died…most of them didnt realize how long I had been alone…it was a LOT longer than 6 months!
My husband died in August last year, I nursed him at home and at the same time discovered his 2nd affair, it was such a horrible time. I now feel as though I could date again and don’t care what anyone thinks as they don’t know all it.
Only my kids and best friends
I was married without a husband too. its brutal.
I think you right I’m dedicating this year and the rest of my life to loving myself . These relationships often leave us with major issues that require a great deal of healing.
ChumpedToTheMax,
How long were you divorced and happy with yourself before you met your lovely new husband?
I’m one year retired and my kids are married so yep I’m alone (and mostly don’t mind it at all). When I go up the mountains and see the snow I do miss having someone to share that magic with but mostly I’m fine. I’ve done 12 trips with solos groups so far, yoga twice a week, plus pilates, sewing, patchwork. The farmer at the back of my house asked me out earlier this year and it did make me think. Not sure I even want to go there any more as I love my solo life. Yes it can get lonely on occasion – but 95% of the time I’m fine with my own company thankfully.
Could you explain a bit more about the solos groups? All women? Local? Where do you find them? What do you look for when exploring a solos group? I think I need this but do not know quite where to start. I’d appreciate advice from someone who has found solos travel rewarding.
I went solo on a trip to the Far East. I went with Exodus Travel.
I was the only American on an all British group. We had a blast!!!! The two couples immediately separated amongst the single people. We all became friends and the whole trip was designed for couples and singles.
Don’t be afraid to try something new and adventurous. If nothing else, you will see some amazing parts of the world!
I’m a Brit but living in France. Although I could travel with French groups I chose to go with the Brits and that was the right decision in the end because we all laugh at the same lame jokes (Morecambe and Wise spring to mind). My first trip was with Justyou (Turkey), but I also did Solos to Cuba. Then someone told me about Explore.co.uk – they are not a solos group but there are inevitably solos in the group. On our trip to Costa Rica there were just 6 of us and we got on so well. In Sri Lanka we were 13 and again it was great. I think if you want to go somewhere “exotic” you’ll get all age groups (Peru – Machu Picchu), but if you’re just heading off to Spain or Greece you get people of similar ages. The groups I travel with are not just for women (although I hear they exist), they are for people who, for whatever reason, are alone and want to travel. Some are even married but their partners don’t want to travel. On the European trips there are a lot of widows in their late 60s and 70s (an age group I LOVE so no worries) and there are about 75% women to men, so you don’t go on these trips looking for romance. That being said, I made 2 long term male friends and one female. I remember when we were in Cuba we all used to meet up for a drink before dinner, and one of the guys said “look at that couple over there, they haven’t spoken to each other all evening, and listen to us lot”. When my friend was on a solos trip to Greece they were having such a blast playing Charades in the Greek taverna on the last night that a young couple came over and asked if they could join them. There are always a few oddballs, and people you avoid like the plague but you will always hook up with someone anyway. I love my trips. I’ve also heard good things about Exodus but have never been with them. Go for it – you won’t regret it!
My daughter went on a school trip through Europe at the age of 16; she said there were elders on the bus who were really fun! She said they were a good group to travel with. I highly recommend us old folks in single-mode!!
My ex was cheating with one of my oldest “friends”, amongst others. She denied it totally, and our mutual friends sided with her so I cut them all off.
Meetup.com has been a total lifesaver. I started with joining walking groups and then social ones. It was seriously tough in the beginning, I was so shy when I was with my ex, but I made myself keep going and now I have lots of new friends. I play badminton, hike and learn salsa as well as going to gym classes and meetups/meals/drinks with my new friends. I am way too busy to be lonely and haven’t had this much fun in a long time.
I also do short term fostering of rescue dogs which gives me company on evenings when I am home alone.
I used to be very independent as a kid. Then I turned into a hot, needy, clingy mess (thank you, insecure attachements). Now that I’ve conquered myself again, people cannot be far enough.
I used to delight at the sound of neighbors, now I wish they’d just shut up.
So I’m not combating loneliness, I’m really, really cherishing it.
I only want people around when I’m in need and scared and that’s not a great place to want people from, anyway.
When my older daughter left for college, I knew that I would be lonely (she stayed with me 100% of the time rather than with The Rev. Cheaterpants). Most of my little town is happy couples and there is zero night-life that doesn’t involve youth sports. So I decided to join a book club based in the larger metro area that met in different restaurants, volunteered to usher at a regional theatre (help out, see shows for free, minimal stress), and try online dating. The book club and ushering got me out of my house and exploring the metro area on the weekends and nights the little one was with her dad. The dating connected me with guys who were interested in dating since there are exactly 2 single guys in my town, lol.
And I met my fellow chumped boyfriend now of two years, who when his ex sent him an email explaining “why I did what I did”, “commented “what would Chump Lady day about this?” ????. (Her cheating was his fault, his mom’s fault, and now he’s a better boyfriend because if it, so he should thank her)
While reading one of yesterday’s comments, I started thinking about how we, as chumps, try so hard to improve ourselves while being gaslighted. While our cheaters are off being the worst of themselves, we are trying to be our best and torturing ourselves because we feel we are failing at everything.
It’s why chumps become mighty, we do, we care, we love, we feel, we may not be perfect but we try. A lot of us chumps have to find ways to pull our lives back together in extremely tough circumstances but we’re already used to self-improvement.
I’m learning to choose when I’m happy with whatever aspects of myself. There’s noone to impress but me… and it’s lonely at times, but it is peace of mind that’s worth it.
Ocean waves- what a great comment! So true!
Off topic but just needed to say ….I cannot thank Chumplady and ChumpNation enough for the insight and support that this website and individuals have given me. You are the most inspirational and brave group of people that I have ever had the privilege of knowing and every day I seek out your opinions, advice and wisdom to help me move forward travelling to the land of Meh… I sometimes get glimpses of Meh since 10 months (gruelling) travelling down the road since DD phase 1 (I’m having a midlife crises and experiencing anxiety and something profound has happened to me …. that I can’t explain as I am so deep and full of emotional intelligence and you are the one I can’t connect to… !!)) to DD2 “im having an affair because I have a glimpse of happiness and the kids don’t need me any more “ (kids age 12 and 16….. hummmm…. bring On gaslighting, blame shifting, pick me dance, untangling skein, UBS and every other concept possible in LCGAL. Just needed to say thank you to you all
Oh yes! So true what you wrote. We are MIGHTY!
I have learned to be happy with my own company.
Of course, it’s better to truly socialise with other human beings. But I have young kids, I’m busy with them. We hang out with other single parent families, which I find easier than hanging out with happy couples ( they make me nauseated )
But right now, my kids are asleep and I’m awake.
It used to bother me to be alone . Not anymore .
I meditate, listen to music or podcasts or work .
I have a rowing machine at home, so I exercise once the kids are in bed. But I have beaten the loneliness and am happy within myself .
I’m that chump who refused to let infidelity change who I am and always was.
If being there for people makes me even more of a chump, so be it.
My heart, my ears, my brain, my hands and when possible, my wallet, have always been available for the people I know. I’m that person who shows up to help or to do; no excuses. I’m really proud that people can count on me.
Maybe it’s from being the insecure fat kid, my mother telling me I wasn’t good enough (why can’t you be pretty, popular or smart like _____)?
Maybe I was just born with a chump heart?
I don’t know and I really don’t care – it’s who I am and I own it!
When the going gets tough, I get out and get moving. Walking and being outside always helps. Look at the sky, nature, my dog, someone else’s dog or baby. The world is full of beauty if you set out to find some. On the really bad days, I surf the pain
I’ve moved more times than I care to think about. Some places I made friends and some places I didn’t no matter how hard I tried. But I always smile and greet people along the way. The crossing guard can always be counted on to return my smile, the doorman where I work and, yes, I talk to people on the subway. Telling someone that you genuinely like their watch or their backpack always produces a smile and a short conversation.
I’ve tried dating on and off. Probably not for me but at least I give it a good try when I can. You never know if you’re going to at least make an interesting friend or have a great story!
I’ve dedicated my time and told my story over the past 5 years in an effort to help others with suicidality and depression. My son stopped me the day I came closest to ending my pain and my life. Getting healthy has been the hardest battle of my life. I’m full-on in battle with a tireless monster. It’s hard to be so public but I have nothing to be ashamed of. This was done TO me and I did not deserve any of it. My children are beyond proud of me and helping others is my sole motivation.
And then there is Chump Nation. Tracy has created this place for us to help and heal. Such a blessing to so many of us. I’m here to support the newbies and Tracy herself. Her charge is gargantuan and any tiny effort or support we can give is necessary. Please don’t forget to be patrons!!!
Good luck to all us chumps. Tuesday awaits.
Dear Rebecca. If all you do makes you a chump, a want to be a chump like you. You’re an inspiration. I’m so glad your son stopped your downhill slide and you realize how important you are to him and the others that truly love you. I thought about taking that downhill slide at my darkest moment, but I was afraid of committing the worst sin, throwing God’s gift to me away (my life) and going to hell. And after I was in a good frame of mind again, I realize that life is grand! (And i’m incredulous that I was considering offing myself for a fuckwit!) Keep doing what you’re doing and keep having a wonderful life! Blessings to you!
Thank you Rebecca
For sharing your story and looking after us newer Chumps
You are amazing and Mighty and please never change we love you just as you are ????
My 3 kids are all in college, so I have time…I play with my dogs, I practice daily gratitude, I’m reading all of Brene’ Brown’s books and doing the read along worksheets. I recently started lifting weights again, I do short yoga routines before bed and once I get up. I bought a bike, and I’m going to ask friends to go ride with me, or ride alone and enjoy the scenery. I treat myself every month to a cut/color and have my nails done ( I go with my best friend, we make an evening of it). I make sure to connect with a friend for coffee or a meal each month as well. Yes, I’d sure LOVE to have a companion to share these experiences with, but I’m not putting my life on hold because I don’t.
I joined a hiking club which goes out every Tuesday, volunteer to raise money at Children’s Museum and am donut lady at church once a month. I also sold two houses, rented another and bought and remodeled a condo. And retired. Lots of changes in 2.5 yes. Now that’s all done I am feeling bored and alone. My biggest challenge is not future tripping. I can go to a place of “am I going to be alone forever? Will I ever have a man in my life again. Will I be sleeping alone forever? Is this it?” Really fast and have to dig out of that with exercise, meditation, calling a friend, taking grandkids for walk, White knuckling it. It’s getting easier. But I also had the “is this it” moments with Rat pre DDay. This is better. One day at a time and sometimes one moment at a time. Hugs!
I joined a team that meets for Trivia each week at a local restaurant. “Divorced and Disorderly” is a force to be reckoned with! There is friendly competition and absolutely wonderful people on my team and the opposing teams. Trivia is kind of popular now so consider finding a place and trying it out. Trust me, everyone has something to offer. Don’t be afraid to go on your own as teams are usually very welcoming to add someone new. It is wonderful to laugh, collaborate, connect with others (and even win some weeks). Great therapy and fun!
I became an Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist and took communion to nursing home residents and I took communion to people in the community who could not attend mass. I tried to volunteer at a nursing home in the evenings after work and even had the required background check and TB test. I figured I could just sit and let the residents talk to me since they’re so lonely and miss their family members. Or since I’m a computer analyst, I could help elderly residents come into the new age and help them learn to use their tablets. But the nursing home wanted me to volunteer during the mornings only (I work full time) and I just couldn’t do it. I’ll try a different nursing home.
Two days ago, I was in a surgeon’s office and the doctor decided on the spot that a fine needle aspiration was needed to look for abnormal cells. It was precautionary but still freaked me out, of course. It hurt a little besides, and I so so so wanted my ex-husband’s hand to hold. And he wasn’t there. And this morning, I found out that not only did he have multiple affairs, he also saw prostitutes. New info disclosed by a mutual friend. I have such a hard time reconciling those two things– loving/wanting him and hating him for what he did to me and our kids.
Thank goodness for the kids. They are my buffer against loneliness. I also email a friend –good for the middle of the night crisis–and have embraced new friends at my church. I also volunteer for an equine therapy organization and crochet afghans for women at a domestic abuse shelter.
I have a collie. Late at night, when things are the worst, I find the dog and hope that the next day is somehow better.
It will get better Cloud. I promise. ((hugs))
This makes me sad. I too had a time when I really wanted my husband’s hand to hold but it wasn’t there, nor will it ever be again. I miss that. And he’s offering it to another. I hope that we both find someone to hold our hands. We are worth that loving gesture.
I went to India to attend a month of yoga teacher training. I had only attended about 4 yoga classes in my life before that point. I met the Dalai Lama and had an incredible trip. I also started traveling and running. I’m in the best physical condition of my life; I’m running a half marathon next weekend!
I also date and use Meetup to find social activities and make friends.
Lastly, I’m going through the Dave Ramsey system to get out of debt. I could never get my finances under control when I was married. He hid money and refused to follow a budget. Now I am in charge, and I am taking responsibility for my money. I’m excited for the future!
What yoga “school” was that? I’m interested in doing that. Thanks
In Dharamsala. Mahi Yoga School. I highly recommend. For $1500, I had one month of training, food, housing, field trips, airport transfer, and a supportive, amazing experience. If you follow them on Instagram they sometimes offer discounts. Good luck!
Thanks
I live in one of the coldest town in the world. I do firewood. I’m quite adept with a chainsaw. I fall trees and i buck them and split them. Lol! Also, it’s dark here for about 20 hours out of four and I live off the grid. I’m busy! But yes dark and cold cam be lonely… Especially, when the vehicle won’t start ????. But I have a dogteam lol i bring them inside when it’s that cold. -45 degree celsius this morning. When i have time to feel very lonely. I look at the fire and I think about Spring and which seeds I’m gonna start.
I should add that, when I found myself “abandoned” with 3 kids 5 dogs and the off grid lifestyle ( no running water etc ) i felt truly lonely and terrified. My kids were 11, 13, 17, so they could help but it was so tough for them. Especially, with dad living the town life, and partying, traveling and always priotizing his new supply’ s “needs” over his children. We figured it out and got stronger. One of my kid got really into sports and she uses our lifestyle as a form of cross training lol Someone said to me better alone than in bad company. Damn right!
Coldchump, you AND your kids are super mighty!
I’m advancing my emergency medical training and getting Advanced Cardiovascular Life Support certification so I can administer medications and do advanced life-saving procedures in cases of cardiac arrest in a hospital setting.
I battle loneliness and I’m introverted by nature. It’s hard at times. I’ve learned when I have little to no contact with others, I get depressed. I have to force myself to do things. I’ve done a few things which help:
1) I belong to a meditation/dharma group which meets weekly. The people are nice – all walks of life and most find their way here after going through some type of transition. We are all learning for ways to cope and find happiness. It’s rooted in Buddhism. I get something out of it every time I go and more importantly, it definitely helped me gain perspective on ruminating thoughts that were bringing me down. I highly recommend this.
2) I joined a camera club – it’s free and meets monthly. We are given assignments for each month which forces me out of the house. It’s a great distraction, gives me purpose and lots of joy. All levels from beginner to advance can join. Camera clubs are everywhere.
3) I used to belong to a hiking club – they have hikes multiple times every week for all levels.
I find when I am lonely it is because I am not putting in the effort. And then I remind myself, if I want to change my life, I can’t be stagnant. I actually have to change sh*t!
Love and hugs to all. You are not alone.
I found this too, in a couple of life phases when I was living alone. I figured out what I needed, and made sure to book one lunch/coffee/dinner with a friend per week, plus one activity on every weekend, with others or alone, but out and doing stuff. Knowing this was what I needed allowed me to plan ahead and rotate among my friends and activities. When I let this slide and ended up staying home alone too much, I would get lonely, bored and sad. When I kept to it, my life felt satisfying and balanced. But it did take that effort to organize! And I’m not even introverted ….
Thinking about it now, I realize that figuring that out and implementing it was a big step for me; it made me feel like there was something I could DO about those feelings, and about having a satisfying and balanced life. And it made me not afraid to kick Cheater Narc out when he finally pushed me too far.
Same here!
Every Monday I made myself reach out to people and plan one weekday night and two activities on the weekend and stick to that.
It kept me busy and connected to people I already knew. That led to meeting other people and brought me closer to others.
Sadly, and I speak from a LOT of first hand experience almost ALL of the single women I have met since becoming single myself is the second they find a boyfriend I am dumped so fast my head spins. My daughter tells me that females have being doing this since middle school. So I don’t hold much stock in them anymore to ease loneliness. I am surprised how well I content myself these days.
Chumpty….I have found that as well. You have a friend, she pours her heart out to you, you have what you think are meaningful conversations and get togethers, and she contacts you all the time. Then she meets a man. Crickets.
I like Meet Up groups. The group I belong to does nature walks, breakfasts, dinners, concerts, trivia, festivals, bookclub. I try to attend one or two of their activities a month. It gets me doing new things.
And I volunteer with seniors and the animal shelter.
ChumptyDumpty and Mitz,
Some of us women DO stay in touch with our old friends even after finding a partner. I have even tried to stay polite and civil to ex-partners who have betrayed me. I hope that you find friendlier women.
When Dday hit 5 years ago and I was extremely traumatized and one of the only activities I could tolerate was daily workouts at my local YMCA. I had been going there for years so it felt comfortable. A few people asked what happened to XH but when I told them the short version they were very supportive. I met my significant other in a HIIT class there.
I’m also a 35+ year member of Al-Anon and 31 year member of AA and go to meetings 5x a week—that really helps with any loneliness.
Hang in there new chumps…. these changes are excruciating but better days are ahead! Meh is wonderful!
Mahjong twice a week.
Trivia group once a week.
Volunteering at local thrift shop.
Hiking group.
I spent a year building a house and moving. The divorce is unbearable and three years in I have stopped trying to unravel the skein and let the attorneys do the work.
A new group of friends have kept me from going batshit crazy. 2020 has to be better for all of us. Trying to stay positive is a lot of work.
I sold some stock options and am using the money to set up a non-profit that provides bioscience education for: 1) high schools in the form of lesson plans that break down scientific studies that pop up in the news in a misleading way, by providing step by step analysis of the actual study from the scientific journal where it was published. I’m aligning every thing with the state science standards/AP standards; 2) a blog that I plan to call “studies say whaaat?”. It’s like the UBT of science. I am working on a few recurring over-arching topics that seem to be the constant source of misinformation to start the website, like the many purported uses of cannabis; various diet myths that are always appearing attacking innocent foods like wheat, mangoes, eggs, etc.; vaccines. The idea is to bridge the gap between the scientific community and the general public by explaining the actual study and explaining the limitations of the experiments that were done. I have a lesson plan on THC and ADHD that is being rolled out in the Biology classes in my kids’ school district in 2020. Website is still being built. That’s my thing. Keeps me busy. 🙂
Super cool! So glad you can do this, what a great contribution to help kids learn to think critically and see through the BS!
That’s so cool! I write science curriculum too. Please pass along the website once it’s up and running!
Annie T-I will! I hope to have it up and running by June!
Wow!! Good for you! I’m sure that it will be appreciated by so many for years.
Wow! You’re cool!
I bought a house and a rental property that I put on airbnb. It’s been fun fixing it up. I already have multiple listings for the summer!
I’ve volunteered at the hospital gift shop and local library. I agree with previous comments that I felt alone in the marriage. It has been so liberating to do what I want when I want.
I’ve been reading lots of books, which is fantastic since after DDay I couldn’t read more than a paragraph. Progress!! Researched all about cheating and the types of people who cheat. I’m finally enjoying more fiction.
Yoga and headspace have been essential for calming the physical and mental symptoms of betrayal trauma.
I’ve traveled for the past year visiting multiple siblings all over the country. I reconnected with an old friend and went on an awesome roadtrip.
Oh yeah, I also read CL everyday for the validation and tips!!! CL helped me so much in understanding what happened. I also have a new kitten named Meh. 🙂
Great name for your cat! And daily affirmation.
Alone time takes some getting used to but it is necessary after the break up of a long term relationship. But alone time doesn’t have to mean loneliness. Loneliness is a state of mind. I forced myself to learn to be comfortable alone and now I crave alone time.
I live in a big city so it helps that when I feel lonely, I can just walk out onto the street to have some form of human interaction. I find that sunlight helps a lot – make sure you get some sunlight in your home. Listening to music and binge watching tv helps too. Set goals and be deliberate. In my alone time, I set goals to run half marathons and get back into ballet. So I spent my time training for my half marathons and taking ballet classes. I also did many long walks to movie theaters (I had a Movie Pass) and would sit in a bar alone – at first it was uncomfortable, before the movie. During the holidays when everyone was busy doing the happy family thing, I volunteered. I also travelled alone to different places. Once you’re comfortable being alone, if you find yourself slipping into that depressed state, just keep reminding yourself that loneliness is a state of mind.
My actual loneliness started while I was married to CheaterX.
I always tended to make friends and do things with them. They didn’t have to be very close friends, but people that I wanted to go to the movies with, invite into my home, play an evening of board games, go out for a drink, etc. When I was in grad school, I had a wide network of friends of varying degrees of closeness. I married CheaterX toward the end of grad school.
A couple of things. I didn’t finish my PhD. While I’m not putting that on CheaterX, I do know that I always felt obligated to be with him and there for him when he was at home, as he had zero understanding of what it meant to spend time dissertating. Second, when CheaterX moved here to be with me, he started work and steadfastly refused the overtures of co-workers to come over to their place, meet people, etc. Instead, he wanted me to invite my friends over, which I did.
However, if anyone’s ever lived in a community dominated by a university, the first thing you learn if you’re a townie is that your university friends are always transient. In fact, if you met a grad student, you’d ask their field. Scientists would finish in 5-7 years, but if they were in the liberal arts, you knew they’d be around for a whole lot longer (it’s the nature of the research).
Anyway, fast forward a few years and most of my friends had left, and CheaterX hadn’t developed connections through his workplace. CheaterX also went to sleep very early. He’d come home at 6:30, want to eat right away, and then would go to sleep by 8:30. This left me with a lot of time on my hands.
I discovered some community through online gaming. I met a very nice math professor and a grandmother, and we’ve played together for nearly 20 years. Sadly, the math professor developed a form of dementia, but we still meet up to play. I’ve met both in real life. For a while, the online community was fine as a way of getting some social contact while I was still married.
When I divorced and moved out, the loneliest was the first couple of weeks in my new place. It was just me and the dogs, and I was overwhelmed. Thankfully, a couple of family members came to help me put some order into the home. When they left, I felt better.
I have since worked on building up more real people contact. I’m very active in the local dog community. This is both a good and bad thing for social life. I have very high drive/high energy dogs. These are not the kind of dogs that are happy to spend their spare time sleeping in front of the fire. Walking them 1.5 miles both morning and evening is not enough. I must carve out time each day for training and I also take lessons in my dog sport and belong to the local club. I do meet people from the club, which is great, but we’re not spending our time hanging out with each other in our non-dog time.
I do spend less time gaming. I do enjoy it very much, but my other commitments have encroached on that spare time, plus I do need to sleep in order to function at work.
I am far from lonely, but I do want to be more available for different social interactions. Juggling time away from dogs is tough, but I think that this is more doable during the winter months. It’s something I’m working on.
Generally, I find that I need more hours in the day, rather than fewer.
Things to fight the loneliness…
Have a trainer
Spin class
Zumba
Nail Tech for pampering
Hairdresser
Murder mystery dinners w/friends
Polar Bear plunge w/friends
Painting classes
Family vacations
Trips to nyc with son and family
Dinner with friends
Frozen margaritas and cosmos
Reading cl and CN blog posts knowing I’m not alone
Reminding myself now that the trama bonds wore off I don’t have physical health problems anymore or crushing anxiety because I’m no long being abused, devalued or manipulated
Watching TV and movies I want to watch Mandolorian, Poirot, Agatha Christie, Sherlock Holmes etc.
A job
Friends family
Counselor specializes in narcissist personality disorder
I’m conscious that I m grieving real and fake stuff
Knowing this will pass because I’m strong and resilient
Excellent list–thanks for sharing it.
Tracy thank you for this topic! Loneliness is my final struggle! I am not afraid to be alone and have tried to get out there and meet people as much as possible but I still struggle sometimes. I try not to fall into the poor me trap when I have so much to be grateful for. This site has been so helpful. It’s nice to know I am not alone on this journey. Hugs to all of you ❤️
During the loneliness that was my marriage, I joined other fiber artists in knitting, spinning and weaving. We have meetings, spin ins and retreats. These groups were wonderful support during my time of need right after DDay. They were much more supportive than my church and my supposedly Christian friends. After I kicked my cheater out, I found that I could easily fill my days with yard work and MeetUp group hikes, but that I was lonely and depressed in the evenings. I started going to the gym at 7 pm. It is the perfect work out time for me. I would blast through my workout (I called it Suicide by Stairstepper Machine) and then go home exhausted to a hot bath and bed.
I am now dating again, and no longer suffer from lonely evenings. So I am back to “finding time” for the gym. But this worked for me in an otherwise sad and lonely time.
I’ve been divorced for a year and a half and my life is completely different than when I was with Cheater. I spent a year in counseling and that saved my life. Counseling is also becoming my new “late in life” profession. I have one year left and I’ll have my masters in counseling! The idea of giving back and being there for those who suffer this kind of trauma gives me purpose. I, too, forced myself to attend some Meetup groups and have an wonderful group of girlfriends…we have a birthday dinner tonight for one. I was so lonely in the marriage. Now I have figured out the craziest stuff, like “people like me” and “I’m not stupid”! Amazing how when you look back, you see the emotional abuse. So for me, I’m alone, but I’m not lonely. Not sure if or when I’ll date, but it will be healthy if I do.
I think the loneliness in my first marriage prepared single life. It does take determined effort for us introverts who are natural homebodies to just get out there and be social.
I tried employing a personal trainer who was my sons age but he learned of my circumstances and introduced me to his single uncle. That worked fine for friendship and some travel, but I wouldn’t have pursued intimacy with him. Nice guy but not my type.
I travelled quite a bit with either singles groups or on my own, but just when I’d given up on any new men, I sat beside a guy on a long flight who at our destination, gave me his card. He followed up a few weeks,later and we are still together 7 years later. Not married, and no commingling of finances but we cohabit and have 5 grown kids who have embraced our relationship. I think keeping it fresh is important, and as long as each could walk away freely, it makes us behave ourselves. One has to kiss a lot of frogs before a trusty friend appears. Don’t take the frogs too,seriously.
Due to the fact that my XH couldn’t be employed at the same place for longer than 3 years (we were married for 33 years), I have moved quite a bit. It never seemed worthwhile to make friends outside of work since I would be leaving in a few months. I think part of the reason we divorced is because I finally refused to move again; he “had” to hook up with someone who could “understand him.” (For what it’s worth, they moved from where she worked within 3 years of marrying). I have a very supportive family – the closest of whom lives 3 hours away (this doesn’t include my adult children who live closer to me and are also supportive). My work colleagues were (and continue to be) my salvation during my divorce; if I hadn’t had them as a normal group of friends I don’t think I would be doing as well as I am.
Sometime in the last few years of my marriage, I became aware that I was alone. My XH didn’t do anything with me for ages. He didn’t even know who I was/had become at this point. So I was used to being alone. As an introvert, I’ve always been comfortable with my alone time. While ex was in the house, we all walked on eggshells – you may have been there! Once he finally moved out, we could all breathe; even the dogs relaxed.
Since my divorce, I haven’t accomplished all that I want to do but I’ve started. I have a huge house that needs to be stripped of wallpaper and painted. So far, I’ve done one room but will have at least two more completed by the end of 2020. I get into nature more which is where I can breathe. I’ve gone camping in the Smoky Mountains by myself and had joint camping trips with my sister (my EX couldn’t stand her). The dogs and I hit the trails at the local nature center. I drive my elderly parents to their beach rental and stay with them for a week or so in the summer. My workplace has sent me to conferences across the country and I no longer feel guilty about going. I have gone to movies by myself and taken myself out to eat. I have tackled my debt (half of which was left over from the marriage) and have started noticeably paying it down. I can finally sit down and watch television without feeling like I’m intruding on someone else’s space. If I want to “waste” an entire weekend by reading, I can do so.
I have a very supportive group of coworkers and friends – people I can turn to if I need help with anything. Another colleague has been divorced about the same length of time and we help each other out getting our cars to the garage and with other things. BUT, most of these people are married with children which limits the ability to just “hang out.” I have people who can provide guidance if I don’t know how to do something. I have come out of my shell enough to ask for help when I need it and to negotiate with repair people and contractors. (This was a huge step for me!) In doing so, I have saved money and provided better upkeep to the house than it had while XH was around.
However, I find myself wishing I had someone to share things with. Someone that I can vent to at the end of the day. Someone to do fun things with and, most importantly, someone to laugh with. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had a really good shared laugh. At the same time, I don’t know if I could share a house with someone else. I don’t know if I want to give up so much of my alone time. I certainly don’t want to have to cook for someone else! I’m still sorting through this in my head but I am comfortable being alone.
I give hugs. In eight days I’ll be 65, so I’m thinking about retiring from the foundation where I listen to and hug suicidal teenagers and young adults. And when I don’t have that anymore, I plan to visit places where older kids need a loving grandma (I’m an empty nester and my sons don’t want to have children).
My ex was so manipulative of my time that when I did socialize, I was always fielding frantic calls and texts about what he forgot to do (so I had to do it) or what time I HAD to be back so that he could leave for a gig. Half the time I would hustle back to be with the kids so he could leave by 730…only to find him still in pajamas, not showered, and literally hours away from leaving. (He rarely gets work anymore because he is so unreliable). So I don’t go out much, but when I do my time is my own. And that is a huge gift in and of itself.
The loneliness…I’m struggling with it as I’m three weeks into living alone for the first time in my life. STBXH worked nights so I was used to going to bed alone, but there’s something different about the feeling that no one is coming back…ever.
It still feels like he’s on vacation or something, and is going to come back. I guess I’m still in denial.
I am moving out on 2/8. I am trying to mentally prepare myself and part of me is sad. However, the other part of me realizes this is necessary and long overdue. I wonder how my son will adjust to a new place. So much to ponder, but surprisingly I don’t have any regrets over this decision, come what may.
I work on my house…updating, remodeling, etc. I’m like that Winchester woman, only I’m not trying to confuse the ghosts, I’m exorcising them.
Two words: STAY BUSY!
XH left, and after doing virtually everything with him for 40 years, the loneliness was so crushing, it was difficult to function. It took me about 6 months to get my sea legs, and then I decided that if I didn’t want to disappear entirely, I had to get out of bed and hit the ground running. I began volunteering at church in 3-4 different ministries, not only to keep things interesting, but also to meet different circles of people. I then started taking yoga classes so I had an excuse to get out of the house and include some physical activity into each week. Finally, for a creative outlet, I rekindled an old hobby of making my own jewelry; when I was working on a project, I lost all track of time and in the end, I had something unique that I could enjoy wearing or give as a gift. If I had any spare time left outside of my day job and these extracurriculars, I’d sprinkle in a painting class, meander through a local arts festival, launch an organizing project at home, or take a day trip to someplace new. I still had plenty of unscheduled moments, but they seemed easier to bear. I’m now 4 years out, and while I’m settled into a comfortable routine, I’m always open to investigating new things. It would be lovely to have a trusted and committed companion to do some of these things with, but most of the time, I’m OK going solo.
I am active in my church, make sure I spend time with friends each week even though my schedule is crazy, and snuggle my pets. I’m still low on human snuggles, though.
I work full time and have two kids still young, 9 and 11, so they keep me company, along with their friend’s playdates and their parents.
But, on the days I don’t have them, I’ve first fostered my relationships with family members. Become good friends again with many cousins of wide age ranges (even 20 years younger than me). Doing dinner parties and going out for drinks. Second, tuned back in to many of my long-term friendships that got neglected over the years because of the busyness of married life and motherhood. I tend to get them motivated to get together more often. I’ve developed more relationships with collegues at work and my neighbours, starting to consider more of them friends, going out for drinks more and signing up for social events through work.
But, many of these relationships develop through the monthly wine club that I started. I also joined a hiking group. I started having dinner parties again (I love to cook and bring people together and had stopped because of the stress in my marriage), which in turn prompted invitations in return and started the ball rolling.
I’m only two years out, so I don’t think there is time to start feeling that “alone” feeling when you wish that you had someone by your side to share in all the little moments. My priority is to make memories with my kids while they are still young enough to want to “be with Mommy” and I am still the centre of their world. One day, they won’t think I’m so cool anymore and they’ll run off with their own friends.
This was a perfect post for me today. My marriage ended 8 years ago and I’ve rarely felt lonely (usually more like exhausted), but I’ve had the kids with me since then. Next week, I will, unexpectedly, become an empty nester. Older kids are out on their own at college. The youngest has decided to go live with Dad (another story–and one I’ll skip today so as to stay on topic). I was ramping up to be an empty nester in two years, but having only two months notice has made me suddenly feel unprepared and lonely. I’ve been making lists of things to try and things I’ll now have time for, but it is hard. And so many of you are inspirations today (and other days, of course). Thanks for all the terrific ideas.
As most of you know, I quickly became in involved in live storytelling, a la The Moth (https://themoth.org/), once the shit hit the fan with KK. My younger sister was active in this type of performance years ago, and at the time I thought “Hell, even *I* can do that.”
For anyone with even a modicum of the ‘performing bug’ in them, it’s a great way to scratch that itch, without needing to be able to, sing, dance, juggle chainsaws, etc.
But more importantly it’s been very therapeutic. Identifying and sharing personal stories requires you to think meaningfully about both the high and low points of your life — the crossroads moments, the ‘cloud nine’ moments, the ‘red flag’ moments — what you learned from them, and how they helped shape the person you are now.
On the downside for me personally, both KK and the Chlorine Special started doing storytelling about a year after I did. So I’ve had to be selective about how many events I participate in, lest they be in attendance (I’ve performed with them around a few times, but decided it’s not worth the internal hassle).
And, as far as forming friendships within the storytelling community goes, I think KK has done some poisoning of the well. She and the CS have apparently become tight (at least through socail media) with many of the same tellers I’ve become associated with, and I’m sensing in many of them either some “flying-monkey-ism” or “Switzerland-ism.”
But . . . c’est la vie. It’s not going to stop me completely.
This post is great hearing all the mighty chumps move on with life. I feel a bit behind but am being gentle with myself on putting a time frame on healing. I am 4 years post divorce, 5 post DDay. I spent the first 3 years battling cancer and illness, finding a job and no longer being a SAHM, trying to keep my teenage sons from acting out. I did not feel lonely but the anxiety was overwhelming. I was tired all the time.
Well now I am cancer free but not in great shape, this year is about building up my strength again. I have become such a homebody and only work and go home. I work in an office all by myself and do not speak often to others. My sons are doing Great, but they are not home much and I really try and make sure I do not rely on them for emotional support, now that they are out in the world. I had a large circle of friends but most are still married and do not have a lot of time for hanging out.
I have been struggling with trying to figure out how to get my self out in the world and rebuilding myself after the divorce. I do not miss my EX at all, I just feel like so much time has past and I have not really been living (20 years married and 5 years past dday). I am not lonely as much as I am getting antsy for a new life. I need to learn to quit thinking so much and just jump in. I wish I could sell my house and travel for a while figure out me… The kids and dogs would complain!!!! LOL
There are many great suggestions and ideas here. Thank you.
One night whilst still married, after husband had started his affair but before D-day, I lay awake one night next to his sleeping body. And I felt a soul-crushing loneliness. How could I feel so lonely when I was lying next to the person I loved?
He left me for his affair partner two months later. I had one night of feeling lonely in the first few weeks afterwards. But never since that time. I love my parrot (amazing how much love a small bird can give you!), my own company, my job (since the divorce I changed careers from bank manager to full time Christian minister), my fiction writing, my photography, and my travels.
I sometimes worry that one day I’ll start to feel lonely. But, eighteen years after the divorce, this has yet to happen.
1) Taking a class is great. In addition to a way to learn something you’ve always wanted to know, t’s a good way to meet people who are interested in the same things you are. I don’t mean just a traditional college class; it could be a new skill, like:
Dancing
Crocheting/sewing/whatever
First aid
Rock climbing
2) Meetup.com. Lots of friend-challenged folks who want to find others with the same hobbies.
P.S. I’m so stealing that phrase from Mr. Chumplady: “A goal without a plan is just a wish.” That’s great.
This is an important topic. I think that one of the things that many chumps face is that empty place where their spouse used to be.
Sitting at home alone in the empty house with my two cats was tough. There were two things I did to cope.
The first was to fill up the time. Chores like laundry or dishes now took much more time than before. I spaced them out too rather than trying to be efficient and multi-task.
The second was to create a routine. I knew that on Saturdays that I had to be to the bank before 12. That got me out of bed. I could have skipped going to the bank, but didn’t. I would pick up fresh flowers for myself as well on Saturdays. On Sunday’s I’d go to a local cafe for lunch and chat with the owner. People got used to me being there, and being predictable and in my mind, I built up an expectation that I was “letting them down” if I didn’t do my routine. In fact, I once got urgent texts from the owner of the cafe because I was an hour late.
Some times, the routines were what got me through the days, weeks, months.
It’s now about 4 years out. I’m dating and having to shuffle things around to make room for that. I have to “unlearn” some of the “always need to be busy” that got me through the tough times. But I got through it.
BT
I’ve struggled with the loneliness most of all. I’m 47 going on 48 and single nearly 6 years after throwing out my ex. That said I’ve kept extremely busy. I’ve moved house twice and bought an investment house. All doer uppers. (I love interior design). I’m financially much more savvy, fitter and more confident. Got that promotion in terms of moving jobs. I’ve become a gym Bunny. And I’ve done so many things for myself I’m really proud. So the way to manage the loneliness for me has been to keep so busy there’s limited time to think. That said gaining friends at my age has been tough and keeping them when I don’t want to be a burden is also difficult. Most are married So have their own lives and gaining real connection I’ve found especially hard. And the happy family scenario I see around me gets to me occasionally as does the fact I now moved away from family. I’ve no kids either so I worry about getting older in my own. The biggest challenge has been staying away from the ex who persists today in contacting me. It’s sometimes tempting as it’s kind of flattering he still seems to want me. Especially true when the online dating world is so bloody ghastly! So tough gig being single but I’m so independent and proud of what I’ve achieved since the split. I’d say loneliness is a mindset. Being single has been liberating. I can do what I want and when. That’s scary but it’s also uplifting. Life is my own to define and I’ve realised how capable I am on my own.
I’m alone a lot after I dropped several of my more toxic friends. I like my own company, even though I enjoy exchanging ideas with people. I take art classes at the community college and join meetup events – both good resources for those on limited funds. Recently, I found a non-denominational spiritual community where I met some like-minded people. It’s comforting to belong to a group of kindreds.
I find hugging safe people is a good way to address the loneliness. We need touch .. along with being heard and seen. There are good people out there, but it’s been much like finding the needle in the haystack for me. I needed a lot of practice in setting firm boundaries because I’m so open, empathic, and generally caring. Being alone is very peaceful, but not always practical.
Being 50/50 with kids makes it hard to commit to night school or theatre groups which are what I’d like to do. It’s easier than being 100% though and for that I’m grateful. Also easier than when I was with fuckwit as I couldn’t do shit on my own without jealous rages and him cheating online from home whilst married. I’m mostly just enjoying not being controlled by him anymore. It truly sucked.
So I fill my week off with yoga, walks with friends or dogs, and working on my home. PTA has been a saviour as well. Friends that get it too. They help a lot.
I’d like to try meetup groups and dancing this year.
This year I need to practice gratitude. Work on why I have such a huge empty hole in my heart because I’m not caretaking a fuckwit with mummy issues and autogynophilia.
Radical feminism has become my online focus. So many women I identify with. Patriarchy truly sucks. Hard not to be bitter about that.
Met a new psychologist this week. Family of origin issues to work on (all the men in my family a mix of lite Cluster B and misogynists) so a lot of work to be done there before I’m tribe or new partner ready. I may never be and I want to be grateful for that. I’m a psycho magnet. And I’m grateful I at least recognise that. Met two new friends this last year, both had massive red flags (friends not romance, both women). I saw them and moved on. That’s mighty.
I look at each foul move fuckwit makes as a gift. I’m good at reframing. So I’ll sit on settlement and save some money. That’s a gift not a burden.
I have my horoscope to give me hope. And I have his. My year is going to be awesome and his is going to be as bad as it gets. So I’m on alert for the fallout on my kids. But also trying to be less interested in his life. Trouble is, his issues still become my issues. Police and panic buttons are on call at my place. It’s a safety issue. That sucks but I’ve got this.
Finally. I tried CODA and now at ACA. That fellowship is very much needed. I am not alone in this fight and damned if I’m going to let my kids be as fucked up as I was from a sick family and the fuckwit was from his. The regular cadence of meetings is comforting and very enlightening.
Nina B,
My ex was AGP also. It’s a whole other layer of mindfuck, isn’t it.
I am finding that loneliness is the worst problem. I am well over the ex. But due to age, genetics, and probably the stress and strain of moving 3 times and dealing with my grief and anger somatically, I have severe arthritis and a bunch of other nasties in my back/spine. So much so that I can barely walk now. Ouch!
So many things I would like to do, including walk my own damn dog. (She is actually a sweetie, and a 11 y o rescue I got at age 8. Gt Pyr/Lab mix. A honey bun, and my fierce protector.)
I spend SO much time dealing with the medical establishment. Quelle drag. And going it alone (totally alone–only child lives in Europe, semi-near family are narc assholes that I’m realizing–slowly!–that I need to disconnect.) So the issue is (at least) 2 fold: the emotional sorrow of doing this alone. Ad or course the practical logistics of having NObody to go with me, ever. Give a ride, ever. The churches in my denomination (and yes, it matters) are at least 1/2 hour away, and that’s a lot of driving…
onward.
NotaMeanGirl, I’m so sorry to hear that you have to deal with the pain and disability of your arthritis, on top of the aftermath of life with a FuckWit! I don’t know what might be available around you, but can you see if you can find a volunteer organization that might help with things like accompanying you to appointments (a lot of the time you’d get the same volunteer, and they can be very supportive taking you to and waiting for those difficult and stressful health-care interactions), and maybe ask at your church (or the one you’d like to be attending regularly) whether there is someone who lives near-ish to you who might be able to give you a lift, at least some of the time?
If you’re in a very small community, I know there might not be these options available. But I also know that Chumps often don’t feel they should ask for help – even help they would GLADLY provide to others if they were able! You are in the kind of situation that help was DESIGNED for!
This has been such a helpful topic. Thanks CL and Chump Nation!
Loneliness, and doing something about it, is a big hole for me right now. My divorce (36 years married, 35 before I moved out) was final in Nov 2018. By the time summer rolled around, I felt as if I was beginning to climb out of the hole, although an unexpected buyout offer also meant that in addition to losing my marriage I was also losing my identity as a college professor. But by summer I’d made strides, gotten my exercise routine back on track, and saw friends three or more times a week (to combat loneliness I made sure to fill up my calendar several weeks in advance), and was beginning to think about longer term changes.
Then in July 2019, my sister, who had been living with and caring for our 93 year old mother, declared she was leaving in August, and as I retired at the end of July, I felt I couldn’t leave my mother in the lurch.
Unfortunately, she lived 1000 miles away, and I have had to leave behind my apartment, my friends, my books, my freedom, and my independence.
I’ve been living across the street from her since late August (I was approached by a neighbor who wanted a housesitter, and agreed to take the job as it seemed the best solution at the time and I had told my mother I absolutely could not and would not live with her). My days are organized around twice daily visits and making sure she gets to appointments. I spend between 35-40 hours a week with her, the equivalent of a full time job. I will be here at least through March, and more likely through April or May.
I feel isolated, rudderless, unsupported, and lonely; I took on a huge challenge at a time I was not yet fully recovered myself. I moved away from my home and friends just at the time after I divorced and then retired that I needed to find myself, I am tied to a schedule with my mom that leaves me with very little time to call my own between 11 am and 8 pm, and, in addition, am a temporary a resident, so I don’t want to invest too much of myself in community building. For now, email and online communities are keeping me afloat.
Your current position is really hard. I don’t have any advice; I just wanted to acknowledge the depth of your kindness and responsibility. You are a hero for doing so much for your mother. I hope you know that.
I have started Crossfit and go with my daughter. I am rehabbing the first rental property I bought and went to hell while I was kissing her narcissistic butt over the past 17 years. Although it is mine again as I kept to as a premarital asset in the divorce. It will be my springboard back to the real estate success I had before her. I have a plan. I work 55 hours a week to pay for it all including her gold digging alimony. But tonite I am just going to drink and binge watch “Green Eggs and Ham on Netflix. Jeff I am.
I don’t often find myself lonely. I’m very busy. My kids are 11 and 14. I work full time. No contact with husband so I’m doing it all alone. I am in AA so have a great support network when I’m wise enough to use it. My fear is not healing enough to get out of the house to meet other people. I would like a chance at a healthy relationship. I don’t want this one to be my last and defining relationship. I miss having a special person and the hand holding I earlier commented on. I’ll get there. Eventually. I think. Having a hard day. My 15th wedding anniversary is next week and husband has abandoned us. Divorce should be final soon.
Hug
My ex abandoned us too. The kids, 14 and 16, and I are figuring it out.
I also go to AA, but because my ex met his gf there I was afraid to go back….until recently. I went to get my 6 year chip. After the past year of pain and depression I am proud to still be sober.
My 20 anniversary was is June. Divorce final dec 1.
Life is looking better already.
One day six months after dday I went to a local dairy farm for an ice cream cone & saw some horses rolling in the grassy field. I was in awe of their grace & beauty & at that moment decided to seek out riding lessons. For 1 whole year I spent 1 hour a week on a horse which translated to 1 hour of sanity – no woe is me, no crying, no thoughts of asshat – just 1 hour of living in the moment. It turned out to be the best thing to semi heal a broken heart. I learned a great skill & never fell off to the relief of those who cared about me.
I volunteer as a yoga teacher at a transitional housing shelter for homeless women and children. We rise by lifting other up. 🙂
Therapy, run, puzzles…that’s all I can do right now. Rise without tip toeing….be grateful about something everyday!
This is such an important thread! Thanks, CL, for starting this discussion!
I sing in a choir, and I joined a hiking group. I also reach out to friends more often, on the phone, and have reconnected with some good people who I was not in touch with as much when I was with my narc-ex.
But I think part of kicking loneliness is being comfortable with myself again. I now know, in my bones, that I am better off without a controlling older man who would sacrifice my privacy and my career to bang a marketing assistant with zero moral fiber. I feel like myself again. I also appreciate my private nature, something he would never let me have. I, alone, am good company, and am prepared to be on my own until the right man comes along.
I periodically sign up for online dating. After about a week of sorting through strange people (I’m 50 and everyone seems strange to me lol), getting tons of hits and hearts but either too broke to pay the monthly fee to actually talk to everyone or the ones I do talk to (one site doesn’t charge) give me monosyllable answers to well thought out questions from me with a ‘when can we meet’ tag on it, I find myself very happy with being alone.
My biggest problem has been getting into a cold empty bed alone at night.
Got a cat. Didn’t do the trick.
Got an electric blanket.
Ah now, there’s the ticket.
Flannel sheets help keep the bed from getting too cold during the winter.
And a weighted blanket! Can make the bed feel so cozy and calming …. They were invented to help calm autistic kids, but work well for all sorts of people!
I am interviewing for jobs, working part time (mostly volunteer), and try to spend time with kids every day of the week, even holidays. 2.5 years since last partner left me to marry one of his employees, still really lonely (even though extremely busy) and prone to trying to get disinterested guys who are not healthy for me to interact with me. I am going to try to stop that now! I can be lonely and do something ‘productive’ while lonely. Trying not to be scared of poverty. Yesterday, out of the blue, my roommate told me that he wants to move out next week, so the financial crisis has gotten even more severe. Using every waking moment to save people, animals, and the environment.
Went back to school after 40 years . Got an awesome new career that has me traveling across state lines . I work by myself and with myself I find that I’m not really lonely anymore . I have adventure and excitement back in my life. I’ve met scores of awesome people . Met a few ladies but strictly non romantic friendships . I’m still very gun shy of moving closer ( part of the fuckedupedness , you get leary about getting too close) but I’m happier now than in my entire nearly 40 year marriage . Life exsists!
Wish I could “like” every comment on this thread. So much courage to start over, so much intelligence to break up overwhelming problems into manageable parts. Yes to fostering puppies, yes to going back to school, yes to electric blankets and meet-up hiking groups and hugging suicidal teens. Yes to it all. Yes to the undying will of chumps everywhere to gain a life.
Very impressive feats, Chump Nation!
I remind myself to be and feel grateful and help others every day.
Kind relatives, friends, colleagues, clients. and pets are wonderful, but I wouldn’t get physically intimate with any of them. I could do activities 24/7, 365 days per year with lots of people and animals. (I almost do) yet feel painfully lonely.
Does anyone here really miss having a long-term partner who truly cares about how your day went, wants to hold you hand, has loving sex with you? And I am not talking about being alone for a few weeks or months. I am talking about being alone for years, decades, for the rest of your life.
Yes, but I did tons of online dating, and found a partner. He’s not a cure to my troubles. But it sure helps.
In my first year without the X, I started a new routine for myself. Having a set routine everyday helped in gaining some normalcy in my life, so that I could focus on work. I went to the library to work, so I meet new, familiar faces and working alongside others, even if I don’t interact with them, helped a lot. Weekends were for fun events or for tending my garden and my dogs, which I loved doing.
I also went social dancing to try it out, and was hooked. Partnered dancing helped me with cravings of being touched, but without the complications of hookups/relationships – not until I was ready, anyway. I also went for massages, choosing male therapists over female ones. I also wanted to be alone most of the time, to heal and to soothe myself, and so I did. I talked to friends who were very supportive, and distanced myself from cheater apologists and people with unhealthy relationship dynamics (because it was very hard to watch).
As most of the commenters here mentioned, it’s much more lonely being in a relationship where you didn’t matter. My life after leaving the X was much more peaceful, serene and joyful.
Thank you for all of these inspirational comments. My D-Day happened on Dec 21, 2019, so I am still reeling. I was ordering a Xmas present for our daughter and an escort site popped up. Turns out he had a second phone and had been seeing escorts for goodness knows how long. Being unemployed (while I made the jump to a leadership path at my company and worked like a dog) for years he certainly had the time. He finally got a job a year ago but hates it and the people so I am hurrying to get a divorce while he still is employed. I am meeting a lawyer next week and will ask her about how to find out how much money he spent on escorts (he 100% controlled the finances) Anyone who has experience with a husband who saw escorts and how they were able to recapture the money, I would be grateful for any tips. He is a finance and strategy consultant and is likely planning to screw me in mediation somehow. thanks for being a wonderful, supportive community.
We have the same D-Day 🙁 I’m so sorry for what you are going through, and I’m here if you need support.
Still reeling too—had been feeling better and then got a “confirmation of change of address” in the mail for him today. It was an unexpected gut punch to the stomach—he’s really gone, he really just walked out on our family to be with his ho-worker. This is a man who couldn’t lift a finger to do anything bureaucratic the whole time we were together and now he can’t get away from me fast enough.
Oh yes, my someday STBX confessed to 20 years of going to prostitutes after I confronted him. I never had any evidence except one text message and seeing searches on his phone history. I’ll never know how many or how much he spent. I have learned that he is a covert narc. of epic proportions. He has pulled every trick in the book. I hope to be divorced this year. I wish you well, get the best attorneys you can, and don’t give in until you are satisfied.
You’re doing a great job thinking financially and strategically during an emotional, punch to the gut, time! I hope someone responds with a process to recapture escort money. My general advice in divorce is to go for 100/0 and negotiate down. Don’t start at 50/50. Write lists of all expenses now and way into the future. Do you have kids? He sets up and pays for all counseling and transporting to and from it not to interfere with school or extra curriculars. He picks them up and drops them off for visitation. He pays for camps, sports, uniforms… He keeps life insurance and they are beneficiaries not any new wife he may get. All gifts he buys for the kids are to be opened at his place for all holidays. He pays for all health insurance premiums and co pays if you’ll be the one doing the physical work of cleaning up puke and cold washcloths and scheduling and taking them to appointments (medical and dental). Put in divorce decree children won’t be around AP til at least a year of counseling and then only when they are ready. There are so many things. Keep reading through the issues people have encountered here, over the years, post – divorce. Make lists of everything you can think of. Write in being able to move, if you want to get much needed space from ultimate selfish, put your mental and physical health at risk, master-deceiver. Make it the easiest you can for yourself to move onward and upward.
I tried to post several times earlier Friday from my computer but it didn’t work?
My soon to be ex is a pilot so I am used to being alone and doing things alone with the kids…..
I agree with ChumpToTheMax-that I felt more alone when I was with him/married than I do now.
I have 4 girls ages 23, 20, 18 and 11. I am very busy helping them with their lives! I am luckily as they live with me and go to college close by.
I started working out after I healed from years of Anemia. I work out at my local gym any chance I get and go to the many aerobics classes they offer. There is a great camaraderie with the people I see regularly and we all get through the workouts together.
Lack of money got my ass out of the house and into the world. My soon to be ex stoped sending me any money even though he was paying most of the bills. I got a job at a grocery store doing Home Shop. People order online, we shop it and deliver it when they come to pick up. It’s not my dream job or a long term career – but most of the people I work with are great! I am part of a team! My coworkers appreciate me and think I’m great! Who knew I was likable!
I also substitute teach when I can at my daughters elementary school! It’s nuts but challenging! Nothing better then a kindergarten class to lift your spirits!
I may be single but I don’t feel alone at all. I am not even looking for a guy to be with. I am working on just making some great girlfriends to have in my life and go out with and have fun!
I’ve done lots of these things but for the deepest root pain of it, for the original wound that help me pick sub-par men, an ayahuasca retreat at Gaia Sagrada Ecuador was profoundly healing and Pema Chodrun’s work teaching how to face into to pain to heal it, When Pain is the Doorway, for example.
Hi Downey,
Sorry that you are going through this! My husband paid for sex with our marital funds. He worked in other countries and states most of the time and withdrew small amounts of cash st a time so that I would not realize what he was doing. Over five years later, I have not recovered any of it and not recovered any of the $100K in legal fees I paid to defend my right to see our kids after my husband took me to court to divorce me and get full-custody of our kids. He also decided to quit his very high-paying pleasant job to create cartoons for a year (he is not a cartoonist) right before he detonated the nuclear bomb. Fortunately, I have majority physical custody of our kids, which helps increase the safety and well-being of our kids. Unfortunately, financially, I was nearly decimated and, now in my fifties, don’t think that I will ever recover. Unless you can get receipts showing that your husband paid for sex in a place where prostitution is illegal, I doubt that you can get reimbursed (I did not.) As always, read and understand the fine print before you sign anything. Don’t let you STBX, mediators, attorneys, including yours, if you have one, or five as I did, push you into signing anything. If you do, you may end up like me, living for decades with the negative consequences of caving under momentary pressure. I recommend bringing a smart, calm person on your side, not always an attorney representing you, to court, even if you are not in a hearing/trial. ‘Spouses’ like yours and mine will virtually always try to financially, emotionally, and, in my case, physically,abuse us in every way possible if doing so benefits them. Fortunately, I am not a materialistic person and fortunately, my now ex-husband can no longer directly drain my bank accounts. I wish you luck!
Punk the ex with texts?
Quick favor…I’m working on upgrading my Ashley Madison profile and, given your experience with online dating, I wondered if you might help me pick the featured pictures? It is so much more honest than Match (and I’m pretty popular). I hope it doesn’t hurt your feelings that I got all that lingerie while we were married. You can see our 2018 Christmas in the background of picture number three. Don’t worry they were gifts. I’ll send you the kink. I mean link. lol
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