What Are You Doing to Combat Loneliness?

Things can get a little lonely sometimes. New lives have their dry spells. (But remember, nothing is as arid and soul-crushing as life with a fuckwit.)

I was writing to an Australian chump yesterday and sent a virtual ((hug)) and she wrote back thanks for the hug using the hashtag #combattingloneliness — and I thought, damn, that’s a Friday discussion.

Not a collective expression of the sadz (but hey, if you need to go there, share. We get it) — but more like practical funk-busting tips.

What gets you out of your head and connected to others?

I’ve always believed in the adage if you want a friend, be a friend. There’s so much need in the world, you can throw yourself at something. Be the hug-giver. The soup ladler. The show-up committee member.

I’m single parenting over here, Tracy. I’m exhausted. Enough with your do-gooding bullshit. 

Okay. Do you take the dog for a walk? Bolster another chump online? Tell the older woman in the elevator you like her scarf?

How about exercise? Do you kick-box the blues away? Stomp the grief into little pulverized bits? Grind it into a fine dust and sprinkle it over ice cream?

What are you doing to fight Dementors?

I ran this challenge past Mr. CL who said, “I want specifics. A goal without a plan is just a wish.” So I had to Google that. Thus the meme.

In the Making the World a Better Place column, did you guys see this article in the Washington Post today about the school teacher Keisha Yearby in Maryland who does Facebook live to read bed-time stories to her students?

Need some warm fuzzies, read it! I LOVE her. You know those kids are going to remember that teacher for the rest of their lives.

TGIF, mighty CN!

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Newlady15
Newlady15
4 years ago

I do community theatre.. we may not be the best or even remotely professional at it but we have fun and we are a family. I always have someone living to talk to or have breakfast or dinner with.

Granny K
Granny K
4 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

This is a great community who Always Needs Help! Can you paint or sew? Theater groups need costumes and sets! Can you clean? Always a dirty dressing room or green room that needs a once over! Can you show up when you say you’re going to and take direction? (Put that pile of stuff over there in this car and go with them to unload it.) Find a local theater group!

Victoria Pollock
Victoria Pollock
4 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Newlady that is awesome!!!

Lisa
Lisa
4 years ago

Oh I do too much. ???? The year I got divorced I ran a half marathon. Thought that would be a good way to feel MIGHTY, ya know? It was…but also it gave me a bug to be EPIC and mighty. All the time. Since then I’ve become a Wilderness First Responder, became an activist, went to Standing Rock, started nursing school, got involved with a foot clinic for people who are homeless, and climbed Kilimanjaro. I’m gonna do all 7 summits, hike the Appalachian Trail, become a nurse practitioner, and become an aikido practitioner in the next ten years. ????????

tizzypins
tizzypins
4 years ago
Reply to  Lisa

MIGHTY, in epic proportions!

ZULU23
ZULU23
4 years ago
Reply to  Lisa

That’s amazing and gives me hope to step out of the hurt and discover the new me, I want to start pro bono work this year and really invest in my self. I really need to step away from the cheater who has a girlfriend 4 weeks after I forced us to put our join home in the rental market and now has to resign because he made a sexual advance towards a women at work.

Babs the Chump
Babs the Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Lisa

What didn’t you become an activist for?

Lisa
Lisa
4 years ago
Reply to  Lisa

Whoops, sorry — meant to post this as a new comment, not a reply! ????

DivineComedy
DivineComedy
4 years ago

I have found that keeping myself busy is paramount. I have a goal of buying a home in the near future so I have thrown myself into workIng a second job to save for a downpayment. I addition to the extra hours, I am running, I go to a yoga class once a week, I am working in my masters degree and I am trying to be the best mom that I can be after the fallout with the cheater and sharing custody. (It sucks.)

Things have steadily gotten easier and I am working to create my tribe. People who are not affiliated with the cheater. I hope this helps to inspire other Chumps! Do EVERYTHING that you wanted to do, but couldn’t because you were tied to a selfish cheater! That is what I’m living for!

Sunshine
Sunshine
4 years ago
Reply to  DivineComedy

I love that. I did the same thing a few years back. It definitely takes time and keeping focused. I relocated with my kids to another state to finish a graduate program that I’d started right before finding out ex husband was having affair with psychologist at work. Everyone thought I was crazy and I’m sure my cheater ex husband hoped I’d fail. Surprise! I finished the program (with a lot of sweat and tears of course) bought our own home a year later and finally replaced the family car I bought with him 10 years ago before my son was born. It was all kind of bittersweet but I remind myself how far I’ve come and realize I had strength I didn’t know I had. You’ll be there soon. As for my old douchebag he married the howorker he cheated with and moved into her home but from what my kids say it doesn’t sound so great or stable. Time will tell. One thing I’ll say is working so hard to accomplish all this I didnt have time to get lonely. Now that some of those big goals are met it hits me but I’m trying to now focus on strategies to get through it. Not easy but like I said when I think of D day and fighting with ex for 2 years over legal stuff while trying to do everything else and survived figure I can deal with the loneliness. But it did hit me out if the blue because I was so busy and focused for 2.5 years surviving graduate school, clinical rotations, raising 2 little boys and trying to keep my head above water financially. I have time now to reflect and I get a little sad that I’m alone. I’ve made friends but also lost old friends and my romantic life is zilch. But better to be here than ever being in that situation again. Things can be boring but at least they’re now stable for my kids and me. Good luck with your studies and finding a home. You’ll hit that target before you know it.

Chumpful
Chumpful
4 years ago
Reply to  Sunshine

You are a warrior! What a great example you are to your kids. Xx

Robin
Robin
4 years ago

Fiddle lessons. I’m 52, so yes you can.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
4 years ago
Reply to  Robin

So my mom died, my last child left home, and the fuckwit left along with half his family (in it 30+ years).
It was soul crushing lonely and still is some days. I’m 62. But I found ways…let me count them

1.Bodhran (Irish Drum lessons once a week for a half hour after two and a half years my instructor is talking about me playing in public and upgrading my drum. Score!
2. Joined a bicycle club that morphs into a walking club in the winter. Met a few nice people to do other thing with.
3. I decided that when I retire I will be an artist so I am taking refresher classes. Found a few coops that for a small fee I can paint real life models. I also met a few fellow students (in their 20’s) that will go with me as we are all a little intimidated to go alone.
4. Yoga class. It feels good that people recognize me and they know my name to check me in
5. I also have a new rule that whenever possible if someone asks me to do something with them I will say yes.Even if it’s outside my comfort zone, and they are younger- older- whatever.

It has taken 3 1/2 years and I built it bit by bit. I want to get a pet – dog or cat but I’m kind of busy and right now not a lot of extra time. So I may wait until I’m a retired artist.

I still get lonesome and there is a hole in me that I would like to understand and fill. I think I would like to be a primary person for someone worthy. I don’t want to just fill time with busy stuff it has to have more meaning. The art classes mean a new life, drum a new way of using my mind and the new people opening me up to trust again. The holidays for some reason were grueling this year. Maybe because all else comes to a halt (classes and outside of family activities) and you are forced into pretending all is well. I will rethink this for next year. Anyone know a fun place in the world that does not celebrate xmas? Maybe we could do a mass chump holiday get away.

Mitz
Mitz
4 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Yes, holiday’s and Sunday’s can be a bit bleak.

2Good2BeTrue
2Good2BeTrue
4 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Next year I plan to be traveling over the holidays as well. My Dday was 4 months ago (24 yr marriage that was seemingly perfect while he was living a double life for years).
Im still in shock and plan to hit the road again soon.
I spent Thanksgiving and my birthday in S. Africa because I would have been alone at home. First time in my life I spent Christmas alone. It was hell! I vow to be traveling next year! I’ve spent Christmas in Argentina and China~ Christmas away from loved ones isn’t sad when you are surrounded by new surroundings and culture. No need to go to a non Christian country- just go. Anywhere. It will be wonderful.

GladHe’sGone
GladHe’sGone
4 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

I spent last Christmas in Jamaica with my son and his now ex-girlfriend. There were Christmas decorations and music at our resort, but it wasn’t overwhelming. We had Christmas Day dinner on the beach and listened to Christmas songs played on a tin drum with a reggae beat. It was fantastic.

Di
Di
4 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Japan was the best place I ever did xmas. I was on the southern island of the 88 temples – regularly hiked/ climbed. There was recognition of xmas and lots of friends and their families wanted to have me other that day to ask if ‘some of the crazy things they heard about xmas in the US was true’.

Georgie
Georgie
4 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Yes spoonriver. Almost 3 years for me and Christmas New Year hardest as my normal routine is disrupted. In Australia this includes long Summer holidays. I am retired but in term time I have a weekly routine: yoga, golf, walking and volunteering for meals on wheels and migrant English. Plus coffee, meals, theatre, movies etc with friends. Keeping busy is the key for me oh and some binge watching on streaming tv.

Queen of the Hunt
Queen of the Hunt
4 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

I love your #5. I don’t have many friends but I realised I’ve been practicing it too. Last year was my first year out and no contact and each time I was to go out I felt like cancelling because I was so down all the time but looking back, it was life saving because I made some memories other than sitting on the floor and crying. I look back and I see that yes I can.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
4 years ago

Queen of the Hunt. I did #5 because of the same thing. I was down and cancelling would have been easier. So I make myself..I also listen to myself. Sometimes I just need to be alone. It’s great to be able to concentrate on what I need…but it’s new and scary. Hang in there!

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
4 years ago
Reply to  Robin

I’m 45 and have picked up the ukulele, baritone ukulele, banjo, guitar and mandolin. Once you learn one, the rest are much easier. I also play in two different bands. When you play, all the worries fall away.

I would have never been able to do this married to my Ex.

The point is, you are never too old to pick up a new hobby or skill.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
4 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Learning the harmonica along with my 13 y.o. nephew, picking up my Botanical Illustration hobby again, planning a beautiful garden retreat in a neglected area, going to learn about how to use mason bees for pollinating things in my new area, planting perrineals in my front yard so I don’t have to keep planting annuals!!

Bobbi
Bobbi
4 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Hey that reminds me, someone offered me a piano a couple years ago and XBF didn’t want it in the house. I played all the way through school (20 years ago lol). I should try to find one again! Thanks for that!

Annette
Annette
4 years ago

This is a huge problem for me. I stay very busy. I do things alone and with friends. Frankly, I’m tired of being with friends. My job is great. My teenager doing very well but never home now that she’s driving. There is a huge emptiness in life. I don’t need someone in my life everyday but I need someone on the days that matter.

OneOfFour
OneOfFour
4 years ago
Reply to  Annette

After reading scholarship applications and realizing how many youth are housing insecure, I decided to invite a renter into my home. It wasn’t perfect, but it certainly help bust loneliness. I’ve also hosted several exchange students, which is great for the world:)
They’re gone now and I’m glad to have my house to myself for awhile.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
4 years ago
Reply to  OneOfFour

OneOfFour,
Good for you!

Tempest
Tempest
4 years ago
Reply to  Annette

I’m sorry you’re lonely, Annette.

Having a partner on the days that matter is not itself a panacea for loneliness. I had major surgery this past Monday and my partner (who seemed as if he was going to be nurturing through my recovery) picked an unnecessary fight a mere 8 hours after I was out of the operating room. I’d have felt less lonely if I’d been alone.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
4 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Hi Tempest.
I am sorry that your situation with your partner was less than optimal post-op. Wish you a speedy recovery.

J.
J.
4 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

This gave me flashbacks of ex husband – who fought with me on the way to the hospital during my first miscarriage. That’s cause when his mom came by to watch our son they started fighting because she was panicking and yelling at him because he wasn’t waking up to take me (it was 2 in the afternoon) and then he yelled at her and I stood up for his mom. He fought with me our whole car ride and I remember begging him to slow down on the ride cause the bumps were causing so much pain! That was 3 years before he left us. 1 year before he left us he woke me up at 7am because he didn’t want to watch son. This was during a 2nd pregnancy In which I had to have an operation the night before and was exhausted and needed to sleep and resulted in another fight in which he told me the melanoma removed was just a mole and they didn’t even use general anesthesia (cause I was pregnant and dr at Sloan wasn’t allowed)

Point being. These guys don’t change.

BTW… Now I’m with the most incredible guy and I’m in the process of starting my own business.

Tempest
Tempest
4 years ago
Reply to  J.

Ugh, horrible man, your X. Sometimes it takes medical procedures to remove the dead weight. Very happy you are with a great guy now; you’ve more than earned it, J.

LezChump
LezChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Hope your recovery is going well, Tempest. Am so sorry about your no-show partner! It’s been my experience that a lot of people get so nervous about medical issues that they make more work for the patient rather than less, and picking a fight sounds like that sort of externalized discomfort. Even if there might be an explanation for it, it still doesn’t help you when you’re trying to recover, though! And that kind of reaction seems like a red flag for how a partner might deal with other uncomfortable situations in the future.

Tempest
Tempest
4 years ago
Reply to  LezChump

Thanks, LezChump. I agree, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest,
Im so sorry this happened to you! It is true that some people leave you feeling more alone than being by yourself. Do you think this has created an impasse in the relationship? You are a fabulous person and I want the very best for you.

I thought of you and CL recently because I have to write a response to an ethics article for my bioethics class and the author of the article is (none other than the notorious) David Brooks. I think I will tell the truth about what I think of Brooks’ social commentary. Sparks may fly.

Tempest
Tempest
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Thanks, UNC. After my lonely marriage, I only want a relationship with a true emotional partner. Someone who can’t put his own issue with me aside for 12 hours after I’ve have a bone sawed through is not someone I consider a great emotional partner. Not sure how long things will take to play out, but I am content to be “in a relationship with myself” as Emma Watson put it.

And you go, girl! Take down David a Brooks and his dubious ethics. CN is behind you.

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
4 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Virtual hug and support. Follow ur physio and use the time in between to enjoy books, articles, movies, and indulgences you wouldn’t otherwise have the time for. I enjoy watching wildlife outside my window.

Tessie
Tessie
4 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Hugs, Tempest. I am glad you are on the mend, and glad you are not spackling your guy’s behavior. Personally, I think you deserve a guy who worships the ground you walk on and who is happy and grateful to be with you.

newlywedchump
newlywedchump
4 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I’m so sorry to hear that this happened to you, although I too am trying to find happiness “in a relationship with myself”—although the Emma Watson quote is somewhat triggering for me right now as my husband referred to himself as “self-partnered” to his AP while he was married to me. What?!?!

Mitz
Mitz
4 years ago
Reply to  newlywedchump

He was confusing self-partnered with self absorbed.

Di
Di
4 years ago
Reply to  newlywedchump

uh – no – that’s not self partnered and he doesn’t get to claim it!

Rebecca
Rebecca
4 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest,
I hope the surgery went well and that healing is quick and as painless as possible.
Your online community of chumps will tell you that you need and deserve more than what was shown to you post-op!
I would have flown there to be with you (as would many of us here) and who fights with a partner who just had surgery?
Please don’t let anyone tell you that kind of behavior is OK.
Sending you healing thoughts and lots of love ????

Tempest
Tempest
4 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Thanks, Rebecca! Recovery is proceeding nicely (and forcing me to slow down!) xoxo

Mehbound
Mehbound
4 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I was ready to get on a plane today w soup in hand! Xx

Persephone
Persephone
4 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My divorced and now single friend says that you’re never as deeply lonely as in a crap marriage.

MissBailey
MissBailey
4 years ago
Reply to  Persephone

I was telling a friend about the marriage and she said, it must have been a lonely marriage. It wasn’t till I was out that I realized just how alone I was. His needs and dreams always came first. What free time he did have was never spent with me. And I was expected to cope with all my problems by myself while I rallied around him like a cheerleader. I once told him that I wanted a single life, I would have never married. I thought he wanted to be my partner, my friend, my confidant. I was very wrong.

Georgie
Georgie
4 years ago
Reply to  Persephone

I agree Persephone. I never felt as lonely as when I was laying in bed with an ex who wouldn’t talk to me. I find loneliness as a single much easier to bear.

Robin
Robin
4 years ago
Reply to  Annette

I get it, similar boat. I miss having my “person” and now I know that’s ok. I’m not dating (????) just trying to stay engaged, and learning to be less “reactive” when it comes to loneliness. Also good to know it’s normal. Thinking about church, even though I’m an atheist, for the community connection.

Jeff
Jeff
4 years ago
Reply to  Robin

There are secular groups just for the purpose of community. Google Oasis Secular Community. Maybe there is one in your area.

Champ
Champ
4 years ago
Reply to  Robin

I’m an introvert and an atheist, so these are my suggestions.

If you sing, joining a community or auditioned choir can connect you with people who have a sense of community, without joining a group that has a mission statement that might not be in keeping with your own. A lot of choir members are church-going, but some are atheists … but we all sing secular and sacred music, and come from all walks of life, with lots of professional and other networks to tap into or learn from. We meet once a week in rehearsal and socially outside of choir. There are also more and more groups starting for people who wanna sing but kinda suck at it … they’re a lot of fun, too.

If you like to dance but not dance troupe material, look up Groove Dancing … tons of fun, great for introverts. Also, Camp Yoga (Canada and the States) is fantastic for a weekend blitz of yoga, rock climbing, canoeing, groove dancing, archery, eating, drinking if you want, campfires, etc., making friends or not, your choice, all ages 19 and up. I’m in my 60s, and had a blast.

Adelante
Adelante
4 years ago
Reply to  Robin

American Humanist Association is a good one for atheists. As is The Skeptics Society.

Medusa
Medusa
4 years ago
Reply to  Robin

Maybe you were just being funny, but depending on where you live, there are “churches” that are more in keeping with atheist perspectives. There is a joke that Unitarian Universalists believe there is at most one God, and that’s sort of true. A Buddhist meditation centre won’t ask for a declaration of any faith. If you are pacifist inclined, the Quakers are good to check out. All will have groups that do good work in your community and other events/activities. I hope you find the loving community that is right for you.

kb
kb
4 years ago
Reply to  Medusa

Also, most types of Buddhism do not require a belief in any kind of creator God. There’s a belief that something exists beyond the physical, but the goal isn’t to attain some sort of eternal reward. Instead, the goal is to attain the kind of enlightment that frees the individual from the cycle of death and rebirth. “Soft atheists” who reject the notion of a creator god but are sympathetic to a spiritual dimension can sometimes find a home in Buddhism.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
4 years ago
Reply to  Robin

Unitarian churches are often a good choice for atheists–they prioritize the community of the congregation above the specific beliefs of any member. That said, the “flavor” of each Unitarian congregation can vary immensely. I belonged to one that was very musically oriented–great choirs and concert series and music classes. Another was deeply connected to the arts–especially local artists and regional folk art traditions (but no one could sing, there was no choir, etc.) After one move across the country I tried one that had a lot of pagan and Wiccan members, and it was not my cup of tea (though they put on the best multi-faith holiday pageant with kids that I’ve ever seen). The one I am tangentially connected with now is more than 45 minutes from my home–which is fine for a weekly service, but it has kept me from being deeply involved in the community.

MissBailey
MissBailey
4 years ago

I became more active with my state’s Audubon circle of birders. Besides seeing birds, I have met new people, get out of house (and out of my head) for some natural vitamin D, exercise and general better attitude.

I also took Master Gardener classes in 2018 and will be getting my volunteer hours this years. Gardeners are lovely people. I like volunteering. Also been a volunteer AARP tax preparer for the last 11 years. Just today, I read that the local hospital is looking to implement a volunteer program to sit with patients that are dying and alone. Giving yourself to others is a very rewarding to people you help, and also to yourself.

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

Miss Bailey, Im one of the oddballs who would sit with dying people. I worked for and have volunteered for hospices and was sometimes one of the few they could get to work on the pediatric cases. There is great love in doing that.

In one city I lived in, a well known Roman Catholic Bishop was dying and most folks never learned that the person present for him at the moment of death was a female left-wing chaplain/lawyer/dog groomer …now tell me God doesn’t have a fabulous sense of humor !

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Good for you, UnicornNoMore. I would like to do the same after my kids leave home.

Where to next
Where to next
4 years ago

I am traveling. Weekend trips. Football games. Breakfast or dinner with friends. Eating things that cheater would never try I am living and laughing again. It is finite finally. Reading in bed with snacks. Whatever I want to do. I guess that’s the point. Making myself whole again.

ClearView
ClearView
4 years ago
Reply to  Where to next

Ha! The blessed simple things: “reading in bed with snacks,” WHAT A JOY! I also read in bed with snacks, often with two dogs and two cats. Soooo grateful.

Robert
Robert
4 years ago

Spend a lot of time with my kids who are luckily around quite a bit (I get them 2/3 of the time, their choice :)). The rest of the time I have poured myself into my businesses, something I was never able to do before because I was spending so much time and energy dealing with all of the drama created out of thin air. It feels so good to be free! Loneliness!?!

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
4 years ago

This may sound weird, but since I let the X go, I’m not lonely anymore. Lonely was loving someone who didn’t love me back. Having a child with someone who would never be there for me. Heartbreaking nights wondering where he was. Since letting that go, I feel the love of friends around me, even when they
are not here.

I love myself again. I talk to myself all the time. I tell my new loving husband, when he calls me out for taking to myself, I’m my own best friend and it’s true. I think it all starts with loving yourself and feeling comfortable just being alone. That’s my two cents.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
4 years ago

ChumpedToTheMax,
How long were you divorced and happy with yourself before you met your lovely new husband?

ZULU23
ZULU23
4 years ago

I think you right I’m dedicating this year and the rest of my life to loving myself . These relationships often leave us with major issues that require a great deal of healing.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago

Oh my goodness! During the last couple of years of my marriage when I was sobbing on the phone to my sister about my life with the dick, she asked me, “What are you afraid of?!” I said, “I’m afraid of being alone.” She said, “You’re alone now!” And that’s the first time I realized that I was married but alone. Since I’ve been “alone”, I’m so much happier. I say this often now, “I’d rather be alone than ever be married to a dick again.”

Freer Every Day!
Freer Every Day!
4 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

I was married without a husband too. its brutal.

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

People seemed to line up in rows to throw stones at me when I started dating 6 months after Cheater died…most of them didnt realize how long I had been alone…it was a LOT longer than 6 months!

Linda
Linda
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

My husband died in August last year, I nursed him at home and at the same time discovered his 2nd affair, it was such a horrible time. I now feel as though I could date again and don’t care what anyone thinks as they don’t know all it.
Only my kids and best friends

Tempest
Tempest
4 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

Amen

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
4 years ago

I lived alone for 8 years when I was young and talk to myself as well! I’m thankful I had that experience though, because I loved living alone and never felt lonely. I just felt free to do what I wanted, when I wanted.

I try to remember that when I start feeling sad about my “empty nest” years that are swiftly approaching.

Attie
Attie
4 years ago

I’m one year retired and my kids are married so yep I’m alone (and mostly don’t mind it at all). When I go up the mountains and see the snow I do miss having someone to share that magic with but mostly I’m fine. I’ve done 12 trips with solos groups so far, yoga twice a week, plus pilates, sewing, patchwork. The farmer at the back of my house asked me out earlier this year and it did make me think. Not sure I even want to go there any more as I love my solo life. Yes it can get lonely on occasion – but 95% of the time I’m fine with my own company thankfully.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
4 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Could you explain a bit more about the solos groups? All women? Local? Where do you find them? What do you look for when exploring a solos group? I think I need this but do not know quite where to start. I’d appreciate advice from someone who has found solos travel rewarding.

Attie
Attie
4 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

I’m a Brit but living in France. Although I could travel with French groups I chose to go with the Brits and that was the right decision in the end because we all laugh at the same lame jokes (Morecambe and Wise spring to mind). My first trip was with Justyou (Turkey), but I also did Solos to Cuba. Then someone told me about Explore.co.uk – they are not a solos group but there are inevitably solos in the group. On our trip to Costa Rica there were just 6 of us and we got on so well. In Sri Lanka we were 13 and again it was great. I think if you want to go somewhere “exotic” you’ll get all age groups (Peru – Machu Picchu), but if you’re just heading off to Spain or Greece you get people of similar ages. The groups I travel with are not just for women (although I hear they exist), they are for people who, for whatever reason, are alone and want to travel. Some are even married but their partners don’t want to travel. On the European trips there are a lot of widows in their late 60s and 70s (an age group I LOVE so no worries) and there are about 75% women to men, so you don’t go on these trips looking for romance. That being said, I made 2 long term male friends and one female. I remember when we were in Cuba we all used to meet up for a drink before dinner, and one of the guys said “look at that couple over there, they haven’t spoken to each other all evening, and listen to us lot”. When my friend was on a solos trip to Greece they were having such a blast playing Charades in the Greek taverna on the last night that a young couple came over and asked if they could join them. There are always a few oddballs, and people you avoid like the plague but you will always hook up with someone anyway. I love my trips. I’ve also heard good things about Exodus but have never been with them. Go for it – you won’t regret it!

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
4 years ago
Reply to  Attie

My daughter went on a school trip through Europe at the age of 16; she said there were elders on the bus who were really fun! She said they were a good group to travel with. I highly recommend us old folks in single-mode!!

Rebecca
Rebecca
4 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

I went solo on a trip to the Far East. I went with Exodus Travel.
I was the only American on an all British group. We had a blast!!!! The two couples immediately separated amongst the single people. We all became friends and the whole trip was designed for couples and singles.
Don’t be afraid to try something new and adventurous. If nothing else, you will see some amazing parts of the world!

NotaDramaLlama
NotaDramaLlama
4 years ago

My ex was cheating with one of my oldest “friends”, amongst others. She denied it totally, and our mutual friends sided with her so I cut them all off.

Meetup.com has been a total lifesaver. I started with joining walking groups and then social ones. It was seriously tough in the beginning, I was so shy when I was with my ex, but I made myself keep going and now I have lots of new friends. I play badminton, hike and learn salsa as well as going to gym classes and meetups/meals/drinks with my new friends. I am way too busy to be lonely and haven’t had this much fun in a long time.

I also do short term fostering of rescue dogs which gives me company on evenings when I am home alone.

Quetzal
Quetzal
4 years ago

I used to be very independent as a kid. Then I turned into a hot, needy, clingy mess (thank you, insecure attachements). Now that I’ve conquered myself again, people cannot be far enough.
I used to delight at the sound of neighbors, now I wish they’d just shut up.

So I’m not combating loneliness, I’m really, really cherishing it.
I only want people around when I’m in need and scared and that’s not a great place to want people from, anyway.

Tbone
Tbone
4 years ago

When my older daughter left for college, I knew that I would be lonely (she stayed with me 100% of the time rather than with The Rev. Cheaterpants). Most of my little town is happy couples and there is zero night-life that doesn’t involve youth sports. So I decided to join a book club based in the larger metro area that met in different restaurants, volunteered to usher at a regional theatre (help out, see shows for free, minimal stress), and try online dating. The book club and ushering got me out of my house and exploring the metro area on the weekends and nights the little one was with her dad. The dating connected me with guys who were interested in dating since there are exactly 2 single guys in my town, lol.

And I met my fellow chumped boyfriend now of two years, who when his ex sent him an email explaining “why I did what I did”, “commented “what would Chump Lady day about this?” ????. (Her cheating was his fault, his mom’s fault, and now he’s a better boyfriend because if it, so he should thank her)

Oceanwaves
Oceanwaves
4 years ago

While reading one of yesterday’s comments, I started thinking about how we, as chumps, try so hard to improve ourselves while being gaslighted. While our cheaters are off being the worst of themselves, we are trying to be our best and torturing ourselves because we feel we are failing at everything.
It’s why chumps become mighty, we do, we care, we love, we feel, we may not be perfect but we try. A lot of us chumps have to find ways to pull our lives back together in extremely tough circumstances but we’re already used to self-improvement.
I’m learning to choose when I’m happy with whatever aspects of myself. There’s noone to impress but me… and it’s lonely at times, but it is peace of mind that’s worth it.

Coldchump
Coldchump
4 years ago
Reply to  Oceanwaves

Oh yes! So true what you wrote. We are MIGHTY!

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
4 years ago
Reply to  Oceanwaves

Ocean waves- what a great comment! So true!

Dumpedchumpedbutwillbemighty
Dumpedchumpedbutwillbemighty
4 years ago

Off topic but just needed to say ….I cannot thank Chumplady and ChumpNation enough for the insight and support that this website and individuals have given me. You are the most inspirational and brave group of people that I have ever had the privilege of knowing and every day I seek out your opinions, advice and wisdom to help me move forward travelling to the land of Meh… I sometimes get glimpses of Meh since 10 months (gruelling) travelling down the road since DD phase 1 (I’m having a midlife crises and experiencing anxiety and something profound has happened to me …. that I can’t explain as I am so deep and full of emotional intelligence and you are the one I can’t connect to… !!)) to DD2 “im having an affair because I have a glimpse of happiness and the kids don’t need me any more “ (kids age 12 and 16….. hummmm…. bring On gaslighting, blame shifting, pick me dance, untangling skein, UBS and every other concept possible in LCGAL. Just needed to say thank you to you all

Atg
Atg
4 years ago

I have learned to be happy with my own company.
Of course, it’s better to truly socialise with other human beings. But I have young kids, I’m busy with them. We hang out with other single parent families, which I find easier than hanging out with happy couples ( they make me nauseated )
But right now, my kids are asleep and I’m awake.
It used to bother me to be alone . Not anymore .
I meditate, listen to music or podcasts or work .
I have a rowing machine at home, so I exercise once the kids are in bed. But I have beaten the loneliness and am happy within myself .

Rebecca
Rebecca
4 years ago

I’m that chump who refused to let infidelity change who I am and always was.

If being there for people makes me even more of a chump, so be it.

My heart, my ears, my brain, my hands and when possible, my wallet, have always been available for the people I know. I’m that person who shows up to help or to do; no excuses. I’m really proud that people can count on me.

Maybe it’s from being the insecure fat kid, my mother telling me I wasn’t good enough (why can’t you be pretty, popular or smart like _____)?
Maybe I was just born with a chump heart?
I don’t know and I really don’t care – it’s who I am and I own it!

When the going gets tough, I get out and get moving. Walking and being outside always helps. Look at the sky, nature, my dog, someone else’s dog or baby. The world is full of beauty if you set out to find some. On the really bad days, I surf the pain

I’ve moved more times than I care to think about. Some places I made friends and some places I didn’t no matter how hard I tried. But I always smile and greet people along the way. The crossing guard can always be counted on to return my smile, the doorman where I work and, yes, I talk to people on the subway. Telling someone that you genuinely like their watch or their backpack always produces a smile and a short conversation.

I’ve tried dating on and off. Probably not for me but at least I give it a good try when I can. You never know if you’re going to at least make an interesting friend or have a great story!

I’ve dedicated my time and told my story over the past 5 years in an effort to help others with suicidality and depression. My son stopped me the day I came closest to ending my pain and my life. Getting healthy has been the hardest battle of my life. I’m full-on in battle with a tireless monster. It’s hard to be so public but I have nothing to be ashamed of. This was done TO me and I did not deserve any of it. My children are beyond proud of me and helping others is my sole motivation.

And then there is Chump Nation. Tracy has created this place for us to help and heal. Such a blessing to so many of us. I’m here to support the newbies and Tracy herself. Her charge is gargantuan and any tiny effort or support we can give is necessary. Please don’t forget to be patrons!!!

Good luck to all us chumps. Tuesday awaits.

karenb6702
karenb6702
4 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Thank you Rebecca

For sharing your story and looking after us newer Chumps

You are amazing and Mighty and please never change we love you just as you are ????

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Dear Rebecca. If all you do makes you a chump, a want to be a chump like you. You’re an inspiration. I’m so glad your son stopped your downhill slide and you realize how important you are to him and the others that truly love you. I thought about taking that downhill slide at my darkest moment, but I was afraid of committing the worst sin, throwing God’s gift to me away (my life) and going to hell. And after I was in a good frame of mind again, I realize that life is grand! (And i’m incredulous that I was considering offing myself for a fuckwit!) Keep doing what you’re doing and keep having a wonderful life! Blessings to you!

GrandeDameChump
GrandeDameChump
4 years ago

My 3 kids are all in college, so I have time…I play with my dogs, I practice daily gratitude, I’m reading all of Brene’ Brown’s books and doing the read along worksheets. I recently started lifting weights again, I do short yoga routines before bed and once I get up. I bought a bike, and I’m going to ask friends to go ride with me, or ride alone and enjoy the scenery. I treat myself every month to a cut/color and have my nails done ( I go with my best friend, we make an evening of it). I make sure to connect with a friend for coffee or a meal each month as well. Yes, I’d sure LOVE to have a companion to share these experiences with, but I’m not putting my life on hold because I don’t.

Thrive
Thrive
4 years ago

I joined a hiking club which goes out every Tuesday, volunteer to raise money at Children’s Museum and am donut lady at church once a month. I also sold two houses, rented another and bought and remodeled a condo. And retired. Lots of changes in 2.5 yes. Now that’s all done I am feeling bored and alone. My biggest challenge is not future tripping. I can go to a place of “am I going to be alone forever? Will I ever have a man in my life again. Will I be sleeping alone forever? Is this it?” Really fast and have to dig out of that with exercise, meditation, calling a friend, taking grandkids for walk, White knuckling it. It’s getting easier. But I also had the “is this it” moments with Rat pre DDay. This is better. One day at a time and sometimes one moment at a time. Hugs!

I am gaining a life!
I am gaining a life!
4 years ago

I joined a team that meets for Trivia each week at a local restaurant. “Divorced and Disorderly” is a force to be reckoned with! There is friendly competition and absolutely wonderful people on my team and the opposing teams. Trivia is kind of popular now so consider finding a place and trying it out. Trust me, everyone has something to offer. Don’t be afraid to go on your own as teams are usually very welcoming to add someone new. It is wonderful to laugh, collaborate, connect with others (and even win some weeks). Great therapy and fun!

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago

I became an Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist and took communion to nursing home residents and I took communion to people in the community who could not attend mass. I tried to volunteer at a nursing home in the evenings after work and even had the required background check and TB test. I figured I could just sit and let the residents talk to me since they’re so lonely and miss their family members. Or since I’m a computer analyst, I could help elderly residents come into the new age and help them learn to use their tablets. But the nursing home wanted me to volunteer during the mornings only (I work full time) and I just couldn’t do it. I’ll try a different nursing home.

Cloud
Cloud
4 years ago

Two days ago, I was in a surgeon’s office and the doctor decided on the spot that a fine needle aspiration was needed to look for abnormal cells. It was precautionary but still freaked me out, of course. It hurt a little besides, and I so so so wanted my ex-husband’s hand to hold. And he wasn’t there. And this morning, I found out that not only did he have multiple affairs, he also saw prostitutes. New info disclosed by a mutual friend. I have such a hard time reconciling those two things– loving/wanting him and hating him for what he did to me and our kids.

Thank goodness for the kids. They are my buffer against loneliness. I also email a friend –good for the middle of the night crisis–and have embraced new friends at my church. I also volunteer for an equine therapy organization and crochet afghans for women at a domestic abuse shelter.

I have a collie. Late at night, when things are the worst, I find the dog and hope that the next day is somehow better.

SerenityNow
SerenityNow
4 years ago
Reply to  Cloud

This makes me sad. I too had a time when I really wanted my husband’s hand to hold but it wasn’t there, nor will it ever be again. I miss that. And he’s offering it to another. I hope that we both find someone to hold our hands. We are worth that loving gesture.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
4 years ago
Reply to  Cloud

It will get better Cloud. I promise. ((hugs))

NoThankU4U
NoThankU4U
4 years ago

I went to India to attend a month of yoga teacher training. I had only attended about 4 yoga classes in my life before that point. I met the Dalai Lama and had an incredible trip. I also started traveling and running. I’m in the best physical condition of my life; I’m running a half marathon next weekend!
I also date and use Meetup to find social activities and make friends.
Lastly, I’m going through the Dave Ramsey system to get out of debt. I could never get my finances under control when I was married. He hid money and refused to follow a budget. Now I am in charge, and I am taking responsibility for my money. I’m excited for the future!

Thrive
Thrive
4 years ago
Reply to  NoThankU4U

What yoga “school” was that? I’m interested in doing that. Thanks

NoThankU4U
NoThankU4U
4 years ago
Reply to  Thrive

In Dharamsala. Mahi Yoga School. I highly recommend. For $1500, I had one month of training, food, housing, field trips, airport transfer, and a supportive, amazing experience. If you follow them on Instagram they sometimes offer discounts. Good luck!

Thrive
Thrive
4 years ago
Reply to  NoThankU4U

Thanks

Coldchump
Coldchump
4 years ago

I live in one of the coldest town in the world. I do firewood. I’m quite adept with a chainsaw. I fall trees and i buck them and split them. Lol! Also, it’s dark here for about 20 hours out of four and I live off the grid. I’m busy! But yes dark and cold cam be lonely… Especially, when the vehicle won’t start ????. But I have a dogteam lol i bring them inside when it’s that cold. -45 degree celsius this morning. When i have time to feel very lonely. I look at the fire and I think about Spring and which seeds I’m gonna start.

Coldchump
Coldchump
4 years ago
Reply to  Coldchump

I should add that, when I found myself “abandoned” with 3 kids 5 dogs and the off grid lifestyle ( no running water etc ) i felt truly lonely and terrified. My kids were 11, 13, 17, so they could help but it was so tough for them. Especially, with dad living the town life, and partying, traveling and always priotizing his new supply’ s “needs” over his children. We figured it out and got stronger. One of my kid got really into sports and she uses our lifestyle as a form of cross training lol Someone said to me better alone than in bad company. Damn right!

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  Coldchump

Coldchump, you AND your kids are super mighty!

Kara
Kara
4 years ago

I’m advancing my emergency medical training and getting Advanced Cardiovascular Life Support certification so I can administer medications and do advanced life-saving procedures in cases of cardiac arrest in a hospital setting.

BennyBee
BennyBee
4 years ago

I battle loneliness and I’m introverted by nature. It’s hard at times. I’ve learned when I have little to no contact with others, I get depressed. I have to force myself to do things. I’ve done a few things which help:

1) I belong to a meditation/dharma group which meets weekly. The people are nice – all walks of life and most find their way here after going through some type of transition. We are all learning for ways to cope and find happiness. It’s rooted in Buddhism. I get something out of it every time I go and more importantly, it definitely helped me gain perspective on ruminating thoughts that were bringing me down. I highly recommend this.

2) I joined a camera club – it’s free and meets monthly. We are given assignments for each month which forces me out of the house. It’s a great distraction, gives me purpose and lots of joy. All levels from beginner to advance can join. Camera clubs are everywhere.

3) I used to belong to a hiking club – they have hikes multiple times every week for all levels.

I find when I am lonely it is because I am not putting in the effort. And then I remind myself, if I want to change my life, I can’t be stagnant. I actually have to change sh*t!

Love and hugs to all. You are not alone.

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  BennyBee

I found this too, in a couple of life phases when I was living alone. I figured out what I needed, and made sure to book one lunch/coffee/dinner with a friend per week, plus one activity on every weekend, with others or alone, but out and doing stuff. Knowing this was what I needed allowed me to plan ahead and rotate among my friends and activities. When I let this slide and ended up staying home alone too much, I would get lonely, bored and sad. When I kept to it, my life felt satisfying and balanced. But it did take that effort to organize! And I’m not even introverted ….

Thinking about it now, I realize that figuring that out and implementing it was a big step for me; it made me feel like there was something I could DO about those feelings, and about having a satisfying and balanced life. And it made me not afraid to kick Cheater Narc out when he finally pushed me too far.

Rebecca
Rebecca
4 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Same here!
Every Monday I made myself reach out to people and plan one weekday night and two activities on the weekend and stick to that.
It kept me busy and connected to people I already knew. That led to meeting other people and brought me closer to others.

Chumptydumpty
Chumptydumpty
4 years ago

Sadly, and I speak from a LOT of first hand experience almost ALL of the single women I have met since becoming single myself is the second they find a boyfriend I am dumped so fast my head spins. My daughter tells me that females have being doing this since middle school. So I don’t hold much stock in them anymore to ease loneliness. I am surprised how well I content myself these days.

Mitz
Mitz
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumptydumpty

Chumpty….I have found that as well. You have a friend, she pours her heart out to you, you have what you think are meaningful conversations and get togethers, and she contacts you all the time. Then she meets a man. Crickets.

I like Meet Up groups. The group I belong to does nature walks, breakfasts, dinners, concerts, trivia, festivals, bookclub. I try to attend one or two of their activities a month. It gets me doing new things.

And I volunteer with seniors and the animal shelter.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
4 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

ChumptyDumpty and Mitz,

Some of us women DO stay in touch with our old friends even after finding a partner. I have even tried to stay polite and civil to ex-partners who have betrayed me. I hope that you find friendlier women.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
4 years ago

When Dday hit 5 years ago and I was extremely traumatized and one of the only activities I could tolerate was daily workouts at my local YMCA. I had been going there for years so it felt comfortable. A few people asked what happened to XH but when I told them the short version they were very supportive. I met my significant other in a HIIT class there.

I’m also a 35+ year member of Al-Anon and 31 year member of AA and go to meetings 5x a week—that really helps with any loneliness.

Hang in there new chumps…. these changes are excruciating but better days are ahead! Meh is wonderful!

Kfindingmyway
Kfindingmyway
4 years ago

Mahjong twice a week.
Trivia group once a week.
Volunteering at local thrift shop.
Hiking group.
I spent a year building a house and moving. The divorce is unbearable and three years in I have stopped trying to unravel the skein and let the attorneys do the work.
A new group of friends have kept me from going batshit crazy. 2020 has to be better for all of us. Trying to stay positive is a lot of work.

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago

I sold some stock options and am using the money to set up a non-profit that provides bioscience education for: 1) high schools in the form of lesson plans that break down scientific studies that pop up in the news in a misleading way, by providing step by step analysis of the actual study from the scientific journal where it was published. I’m aligning every thing with the state science standards/AP standards; 2) a blog that I plan to call “studies say whaaat?”. It’s like the UBT of science. I am working on a few recurring over-arching topics that seem to be the constant source of misinformation to start the website, like the many purported uses of cannabis; various diet myths that are always appearing attacking innocent foods like wheat, mangoes, eggs, etc.; vaccines. The idea is to bridge the gap between the scientific community and the general public by explaining the actual study and explaining the limitations of the experiments that were done. I have a lesson plan on THC and ADHD that is being rolled out in the Biology classes in my kids’ school district in 2020. Website is still being built. That’s my thing. Keeps me busy. 🙂

Coldchump
Coldchump
4 years ago
Reply to  madkatie63

Wow! You’re cool!

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  madkatie63

Wow!! Good for you! I’m sure that it will be appreciated by so many for years.

AnnieT
AnnieT
4 years ago
Reply to  madkatie63

That’s so cool! I write science curriculum too. Please pass along the website once it’s up and running!

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago
Reply to  AnnieT

Annie T-I will! I hope to have it up and running by June!

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  madkatie63

Super cool! So glad you can do this, what a great contribution to help kids learn to think critically and see through the BS!

Not Crazy
Not Crazy
4 years ago

I bought a house and a rental property that I put on airbnb. It’s been fun fixing it up. I already have multiple listings for the summer!

I’ve volunteered at the hospital gift shop and local library. I agree with previous comments that I felt alone in the marriage. It has been so liberating to do what I want when I want.

I’ve been reading lots of books, which is fantastic since after DDay I couldn’t read more than a paragraph. Progress!! Researched all about cheating and the types of people who cheat. I’m finally enjoying more fiction.

Yoga and headspace have been essential for calming the physical and mental symptoms of betrayal trauma.

I’ve traveled for the past year visiting multiple siblings all over the country. I reconnected with an old friend and went on an awesome roadtrip.

Oh yeah, I also read CL everyday for the validation and tips!!! CL helped me so much in understanding what happened. I also have a new kitten named Meh. 🙂

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Not Crazy

Great name for your cat! And daily affirmation.

Geraldine
Geraldine
4 years ago

Alone time takes some getting used to but it is necessary after the break up of a long term relationship. But alone time doesn’t have to mean loneliness. Loneliness is a state of mind. I forced myself to learn to be comfortable alone and now I crave alone time.

I live in a big city so it helps that when I feel lonely, I can just walk out onto the street to have some form of human interaction. I find that sunlight helps a lot – make sure you get some sunlight in your home. Listening to music and binge watching tv helps too. Set goals and be deliberate. In my alone time, I set goals to run half marathons and get back into ballet. So I spent my time training for my half marathons and taking ballet classes. I also did many long walks to movie theaters (I had a Movie Pass) and would sit in a bar alone – at first it was uncomfortable, before the movie. During the holidays when everyone was busy doing the happy family thing, I volunteered. I also travelled alone to different places. Once you’re comfortable being alone, if you find yourself slipping into that depressed state, just keep reminding yourself that loneliness is a state of mind.

kb
kb
4 years ago

My actual loneliness started while I was married to CheaterX.

I always tended to make friends and do things with them. They didn’t have to be very close friends, but people that I wanted to go to the movies with, invite into my home, play an evening of board games, go out for a drink, etc. When I was in grad school, I had a wide network of friends of varying degrees of closeness. I married CheaterX toward the end of grad school.

A couple of things. I didn’t finish my PhD. While I’m not putting that on CheaterX, I do know that I always felt obligated to be with him and there for him when he was at home, as he had zero understanding of what it meant to spend time dissertating. Second, when CheaterX moved here to be with me, he started work and steadfastly refused the overtures of co-workers to come over to their place, meet people, etc. Instead, he wanted me to invite my friends over, which I did.

However, if anyone’s ever lived in a community dominated by a university, the first thing you learn if you’re a townie is that your university friends are always transient. In fact, if you met a grad student, you’d ask their field. Scientists would finish in 5-7 years, but if they were in the liberal arts, you knew they’d be around for a whole lot longer (it’s the nature of the research).

Anyway, fast forward a few years and most of my friends had left, and CheaterX hadn’t developed connections through his workplace. CheaterX also went to sleep very early. He’d come home at 6:30, want to eat right away, and then would go to sleep by 8:30. This left me with a lot of time on my hands.

I discovered some community through online gaming. I met a very nice math professor and a grandmother, and we’ve played together for nearly 20 years. Sadly, the math professor developed a form of dementia, but we still meet up to play. I’ve met both in real life. For a while, the online community was fine as a way of getting some social contact while I was still married.

When I divorced and moved out, the loneliest was the first couple of weeks in my new place. It was just me and the dogs, and I was overwhelmed. Thankfully, a couple of family members came to help me put some order into the home. When they left, I felt better.

I have since worked on building up more real people contact. I’m very active in the local dog community. This is both a good and bad thing for social life. I have very high drive/high energy dogs. These are not the kind of dogs that are happy to spend their spare time sleeping in front of the fire. Walking them 1.5 miles both morning and evening is not enough. I must carve out time each day for training and I also take lessons in my dog sport and belong to the local club. I do meet people from the club, which is great, but we’re not spending our time hanging out with each other in our non-dog time.

I do spend less time gaming. I do enjoy it very much, but my other commitments have encroached on that spare time, plus I do need to sleep in order to function at work.

I am far from lonely, but I do want to be more available for different social interactions. Juggling time away from dogs is tough, but I think that this is more doable during the winter months. It’s something I’m working on.

Generally, I find that I need more hours in the day, rather than fewer.

Poconochump
Poconochump
4 years ago

Things to fight the loneliness…
Have a trainer
Spin class
Zumba
Nail Tech for pampering
Hairdresser
Murder mystery dinners w/friends
Polar Bear plunge w/friends
Painting classes
Family vacations
Trips to nyc with son and family
Dinner with friends
Frozen margaritas and cosmos
Reading cl and CN blog posts knowing I’m not alone
Reminding myself now that the trama bonds wore off I don’t have physical health problems anymore or crushing anxiety because I’m no long being abused, devalued or manipulated
Watching TV and movies I want to watch Mandolorian, Poirot, Agatha Christie, Sherlock Holmes etc.
A job
Friends family
Counselor specializes in narcissist personality disorder
I’m conscious that I m grieving real and fake stuff
Knowing this will pass because I’m strong and resilient

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
4 years ago
Reply to  Poconochump

Excellent list–thanks for sharing it.

Ironbutterfly
Ironbutterfly
4 years ago

Tracy thank you for this topic! Loneliness is my final struggle! I am not afraid to be alone and have tried to get out there and meet people as much as possible but I still struggle sometimes. I try not to fall into the poor me trap when I have so much to be grateful for. This site has been so helpful. It’s nice to know I am not alone on this journey. Hugs to all of you ❤️

Discarded Wife
Discarded Wife
4 years ago

During the loneliness that was my marriage, I joined other fiber artists in knitting, spinning and weaving. We have meetings, spin ins and retreats. These groups were wonderful support during my time of need right after DDay. They were much more supportive than my church and my supposedly Christian friends. After I kicked my cheater out, I found that I could easily fill my days with yard work and MeetUp group hikes, but that I was lonely and depressed in the evenings. I started going to the gym at 7 pm. It is the perfect work out time for me. I would blast through my workout (I called it Suicide by Stairstepper Machine) and then go home exhausted to a hot bath and bed.

I am now dating again, and no longer suffer from lonely evenings. So I am back to “finding time” for the gym. But this worked for me in an otherwise sad and lonely time.

Lisa
Lisa
4 years ago

I’ve been divorced for a year and a half and my life is completely different than when I was with Cheater. I spent a year in counseling and that saved my life. Counseling is also becoming my new “late in life” profession. I have one year left and I’ll have my masters in counseling! The idea of giving back and being there for those who suffer this kind of trauma gives me purpose. I, too, forced myself to attend some Meetup groups and have an wonderful group of girlfriends…we have a birthday dinner tonight for one. I was so lonely in the marriage. Now I have figured out the craziest stuff, like “people like me” and “I’m not stupid”! Amazing how when you look back, you see the emotional abuse. So for me, I’m alone, but I’m not lonely. Not sure if or when I’ll date, but it will be healthy if I do.

Marci
Marci
4 years ago

I think the loneliness in my first marriage prepared single life. It does take determined effort for us introverts who are natural homebodies to just get out there and be social.

I tried employing a personal trainer who was my sons age but he learned of my circumstances and introduced me to his single uncle. That worked fine for friendship and some travel, but I wouldn’t have pursued intimacy with him. Nice guy but not my type.

I travelled quite a bit with either singles groups or on my own, but just when I’d given up on any new men, I sat beside a guy on a long flight who at our destination, gave me his card. He followed up a few weeks,later and we are still together 7 years later. Not married, and no commingling of finances but we cohabit and have 5 grown kids who have embraced our relationship. I think keeping it fresh is important, and as long as each could walk away freely, it makes us behave ourselves. One has to kiss a lot of frogs before a trusty friend appears. Don’t take the frogs too,seriously.

bepositive
bepositive
4 years ago

Due to the fact that my XH couldn’t be employed at the same place for longer than 3 years (we were married for 33 years), I have moved quite a bit. It never seemed worthwhile to make friends outside of work since I would be leaving in a few months. I think part of the reason we divorced is because I finally refused to move again; he “had” to hook up with someone who could “understand him.” (For what it’s worth, they moved from where she worked within 3 years of marrying). I have a very supportive family – the closest of whom lives 3 hours away (this doesn’t include my adult children who live closer to me and are also supportive). My work colleagues were (and continue to be) my salvation during my divorce; if I hadn’t had them as a normal group of friends I don’t think I would be doing as well as I am.

Sometime in the last few years of my marriage, I became aware that I was alone. My XH didn’t do anything with me for ages. He didn’t even know who I was/had become at this point. So I was used to being alone. As an introvert, I’ve always been comfortable with my alone time. While ex was in the house, we all walked on eggshells – you may have been there! Once he finally moved out, we could all breathe; even the dogs relaxed.

Since my divorce, I haven’t accomplished all that I want to do but I’ve started. I have a huge house that needs to be stripped of wallpaper and painted. So far, I’ve done one room but will have at least two more completed by the end of 2020. I get into nature more which is where I can breathe. I’ve gone camping in the Smoky Mountains by myself and had joint camping trips with my sister (my EX couldn’t stand her). The dogs and I hit the trails at the local nature center. I drive my elderly parents to their beach rental and stay with them for a week or so in the summer. My workplace has sent me to conferences across the country and I no longer feel guilty about going. I have gone to movies by myself and taken myself out to eat. I have tackled my debt (half of which was left over from the marriage) and have started noticeably paying it down. I can finally sit down and watch television without feeling like I’m intruding on someone else’s space. If I want to “waste” an entire weekend by reading, I can do so.

I have a very supportive group of coworkers and friends – people I can turn to if I need help with anything. Another colleague has been divorced about the same length of time and we help each other out getting our cars to the garage and with other things. BUT, most of these people are married with children which limits the ability to just “hang out.” I have people who can provide guidance if I don’t know how to do something. I have come out of my shell enough to ask for help when I need it and to negotiate with repair people and contractors. (This was a huge step for me!) In doing so, I have saved money and provided better upkeep to the house than it had while XH was around.

However, I find myself wishing I had someone to share things with. Someone that I can vent to at the end of the day. Someone to do fun things with and, most importantly, someone to laugh with. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had a really good shared laugh. At the same time, I don’t know if I could share a house with someone else. I don’t know if I want to give up so much of my alone time. I certainly don’t want to have to cook for someone else! I’m still sorting through this in my head but I am comfortable being alone.

Chumpiest
Chumpiest
4 years ago

I give hugs. In eight days I’ll be 65, so I’m thinking about retiring from the foundation where I listen to and hug suicidal teenagers and young adults. And when I don’t have that anymore, I plan to visit places where older kids need a loving grandma (I’m an empty nester and my sons don’t want to have children).

Bossynova
Bossynova
4 years ago

My ex was so manipulative of my time that when I did socialize, I was always fielding frantic calls and texts about what he forgot to do (so I had to do it) or what time I HAD to be back so that he could leave for a gig. Half the time I would hustle back to be with the kids so he could leave by 730…only to find him still in pajamas, not showered, and literally hours away from leaving. (He rarely gets work anymore because he is so unreliable). So I don’t go out much, but when I do my time is my own. And that is a huge gift in and of itself.

newlywedchump
newlywedchump
4 years ago

The loneliness…I’m struggling with it as I’m three weeks into living alone for the first time in my life. STBXH worked nights so I was used to going to bed alone, but there’s something different about the feeling that no one is coming back…ever.

Newlywedchump
Newlywedchump
4 years ago
Reply to  newlywedchump

It still feels like he’s on vacation or something, and is going to come back. I guess I’m still in denial.

IVOTEFORME
IVOTEFORME
4 years ago
Reply to  Newlywedchump

I am moving out on 2/8. I am trying to mentally prepare myself and part of me is sad. However, the other part of me realizes this is necessary and long overdue. I wonder how my son will adjust to a new place. So much to ponder, but surprisingly I don’t have any regrets over this decision, come what may.

Sisu
Sisu
4 years ago

I work on my house…updating, remodeling, etc. I’m like that Winchester woman, only I’m not trying to confuse the ghosts, I’m exorcising them.

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
4 years ago

Two words: STAY BUSY!

XH left, and after doing virtually everything with him for 40 years, the loneliness was so crushing, it was difficult to function. It took me about 6 months to get my sea legs, and then I decided that if I didn’t want to disappear entirely, I had to get out of bed and hit the ground running. I began volunteering at church in 3-4 different ministries, not only to keep things interesting, but also to meet different circles of people. I then started taking yoga classes so I had an excuse to get out of the house and include some physical activity into each week. Finally, for a creative outlet, I rekindled an old hobby of making my own jewelry; when I was working on a project, I lost all track of time and in the end, I had something unique that I could enjoy wearing or give as a gift. If I had any spare time left outside of my day job and these extracurriculars, I’d sprinkle in a painting class, meander through a local arts festival, launch an organizing project at home, or take a day trip to someplace new. I still had plenty of unscheduled moments, but they seemed easier to bear. I’m now 4 years out, and while I’m settled into a comfortable routine, I’m always open to investigating new things. It would be lovely to have a trusted and committed companion to do some of these things with, but most of the time, I’m OK going solo.

Madge
Madge
4 years ago

I am active in my church, make sure I spend time with friends each week even though my schedule is crazy, and snuggle my pets. I’m still low on human snuggles, though.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
4 years ago

I work full time and have two kids still young, 9 and 11, so they keep me company, along with their friend’s playdates and their parents.

But, on the days I don’t have them, I’ve first fostered my relationships with family members. Become good friends again with many cousins of wide age ranges (even 20 years younger than me). Doing dinner parties and going out for drinks. Second, tuned back in to many of my long-term friendships that got neglected over the years because of the busyness of married life and motherhood. I tend to get them motivated to get together more often. I’ve developed more relationships with collegues at work and my neighbours, starting to consider more of them friends, going out for drinks more and signing up for social events through work.

But, many of these relationships develop through the monthly wine club that I started. I also joined a hiking group. I started having dinner parties again (I love to cook and bring people together and had stopped because of the stress in my marriage), which in turn prompted invitations in return and started the ball rolling.

I’m only two years out, so I don’t think there is time to start feeling that “alone” feeling when you wish that you had someone by your side to share in all the little moments. My priority is to make memories with my kids while they are still young enough to want to “be with Mommy” and I am still the centre of their world. One day, they won’t think I’m so cool anymore and they’ll run off with their own friends.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
4 years ago

This was a perfect post for me today. My marriage ended 8 years ago and I’ve rarely felt lonely (usually more like exhausted), but I’ve had the kids with me since then. Next week, I will, unexpectedly, become an empty nester. Older kids are out on their own at college. The youngest has decided to go live with Dad (another story–and one I’ll skip today so as to stay on topic). I was ramping up to be an empty nester in two years, but having only two months notice has made me suddenly feel unprepared and lonely. I’ve been making lists of things to try and things I’ll now have time for, but it is hard. And so many of you are inspirations today (and other days, of course). Thanks for all the terrific ideas.

UXworld
UXworld
4 years ago

As most of you know, I quickly became in involved in live storytelling, a la The Moth (https://themoth.org/), once the shit hit the fan with KK. My younger sister was active in this type of performance years ago, and at the time I thought “Hell, even *I* can do that.”

For anyone with even a modicum of the ‘performing bug’ in them, it’s a great way to scratch that itch, without needing to be able to, sing, dance, juggle chainsaws, etc.

But more importantly it’s been very therapeutic. Identifying and sharing personal stories requires you to think meaningfully about both the high and low points of your life — the crossroads moments, the ‘cloud nine’ moments, the ‘red flag’ moments — what you learned from them, and how they helped shape the person you are now.

On the downside for me personally, both KK and the Chlorine Special started doing storytelling about a year after I did. So I’ve had to be selective about how many events I participate in, lest they be in attendance (I’ve performed with them around a few times, but decided it’s not worth the internal hassle).

And, as far as forming friendships within the storytelling community goes, I think KK has done some poisoning of the well. She and the CS have apparently become tight (at least through socail media) with many of the same tellers I’ve become associated with, and I’m sensing in many of them either some “flying-monkey-ism” or “Switzerland-ism.”

But . . . c’est la vie. It’s not going to stop me completely.

TheBestMe
TheBestMe
4 years ago

This post is great hearing all the mighty chumps move on with life. I feel a bit behind but am being gentle with myself on putting a time frame on healing. I am 4 years post divorce, 5 post DDay. I spent the first 3 years battling cancer and illness, finding a job and no longer being a SAHM, trying to keep my teenage sons from acting out. I did not feel lonely but the anxiety was overwhelming. I was tired all the time.

Well now I am cancer free but not in great shape, this year is about building up my strength again. I have become such a homebody and only work and go home. I work in an office all by myself and do not speak often to others. My sons are doing Great, but they are not home much and I really try and make sure I do not rely on them for emotional support, now that they are out in the world. I had a large circle of friends but most are still married and do not have a lot of time for hanging out.

I have been struggling with trying to figure out how to get my self out in the world and rebuilding myself after the divorce. I do not miss my EX at all, I just feel like so much time has past and I have not really been living (20 years married and 5 years past dday). I am not lonely as much as I am getting antsy for a new life. I need to learn to quit thinking so much and just jump in. I wish I could sell my house and travel for a while figure out me… The kids and dogs would complain!!!! LOL

There are many great suggestions and ideas here. Thank you.

HappilySingle
HappilySingle
4 years ago

One night whilst still married, after husband had started his affair but before D-day, I lay awake one night next to his sleeping body. And I felt a soul-crushing loneliness. How could I feel so lonely when I was lying next to the person I loved?

He left me for his affair partner two months later. I had one night of feeling lonely in the first few weeks afterwards. But never since that time. I love my parrot (amazing how much love a small bird can give you!), my own company, my job (since the divorce I changed careers from bank manager to full time Christian minister), my fiction writing, my photography, and my travels.

I sometimes worry that one day I’ll start to feel lonely. But, eighteen years after the divorce, this has yet to happen.

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
4 years ago

1) Taking a class is great. In addition to a way to learn something you’ve always wanted to know, t’s a good way to meet people who are interested in the same things you are. I don’t mean just a traditional college class; it could be a new skill, like:
Dancing
Crocheting/sewing/whatever
First aid
Rock climbing

2) Meetup.com. Lots of friend-challenged folks who want to find others with the same hobbies.

P.S. I’m so stealing that phrase from Mr. Chumplady: “A goal without a plan is just a wish.” That’s great.

BowTie
BowTie
4 years ago

This is an important topic. I think that one of the things that many chumps face is that empty place where their spouse used to be.

Sitting at home alone in the empty house with my two cats was tough. There were two things I did to cope.

The first was to fill up the time. Chores like laundry or dishes now took much more time than before. I spaced them out too rather than trying to be efficient and multi-task.

The second was to create a routine. I knew that on Saturdays that I had to be to the bank before 12. That got me out of bed. I could have skipped going to the bank, but didn’t. I would pick up fresh flowers for myself as well on Saturdays. On Sunday’s I’d go to a local cafe for lunch and chat with the owner. People got used to me being there, and being predictable and in my mind, I built up an expectation that I was “letting them down” if I didn’t do my routine. In fact, I once got urgent texts from the owner of the cafe because I was an hour late.

Some times, the routines were what got me through the days, weeks, months.

It’s now about 4 years out. I’m dating and having to shuffle things around to make room for that. I have to “unlearn” some of the “always need to be busy” that got me through the tough times. But I got through it.

BT