Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

And the Infidelity Valentine’s Poetry Winners Are…

You guys are a twisted bunch. It was hard to choose the snarkiest fractured Valentine, but I winnowed it down best I could. Thanks to everyone for playing!

And Happy Valentine’s Day to you all. xoxoxo

Limerick Runner Ups

Dave Pope
My wife, good hearted thespian,
said she was suddenly a lesbian.
So she started to date,
Her co-worker/mate,
And gaslit me so Machiavellian.

I give this points for rhyming Machiavellian.

M3matty
I once had a wife called Claire,
Who once caught gave me the dead-eyed stare,
An affair with her boss,
She couldn’t give a toss,
And now my children I half share

For the whole D-Day trajectory in one limerick.

Erasure

As soon as I had paid for your schools
You went out and found some new tools
Your own money you could now make
And there was nothing left of me to take
Now, I’m still your #1…but just in a series of fools

That ending! Way to deliver a punch!

Hurtbuthealing

He thought he was king of the gym
She taught bikes and flashed him her quim
He tore the family apart
Just to be with his tart
Now he’s broke and his future is grim

I had to look up “quim.” And it rhymes with grim. Nicely done.

Left for a Dumpling Queen

There was a homewrecker named Yi
Took my ex on a dumpling spree
Hundreds of dollars he spent
But not a penny for rent
Now he mooches off her and not me

Oh the karma.

Pepe Le Pew 

Can’t emphasize enough you’re the worst
Served your dick to the girls like bratwurst
Did you make them all cum?
Haha, you’re such a fucking bum
Step aside, I’m now putting ME first

Way to be mighty! And way to turn me off bratwurst.

GreigeStone

There once was a sparkle-dick master
Whose love-bombing turned into disaster
now she’s the one stuck
with that old mother f**k
and I’m happy alone ever after

Sparkle-dick master is delightfully snarky.

BetterOffOut

She began acting all shady,
We could get through this, reconcile maybe?
alas, with regret,
I should have bet,
that within weeks she’d be having his baby.

Call Jerry Springer! Unicorns cannot save this.

Chumpadoodle

Way back when I married a plumber
Couldn’t see there was nobody dumber
He could not tame his zipper
Ran off with a stripper
And now I’m a bright up-and-comer

Tame his zipper and stripper — love!

FT

It was rather shocking to find
several teenagers with which you were entwined
you’d already bought a ring
made sure I’d found everything
motherfucker you’re one of a kind

Oh FT, your cheater is not singular as the CN blogometer can sadly attest.

Got-a-brain 

Porn to assist masturbation
Stripper and hooker intoxication
My ex is a slime
His lying divine
My middle finger as salutations

Nice fuck off.

No Virginia, there is no Unicorn

An ex wife I’ll tell you about,
Hiked her skirt for a smooth talking lout.
Much to her surprise,
His promises? Lies!
He’s *still* married and she’s long thrown out.

Under the bus, huh? Shocker.

On-a-Tear

My life free of you is a joy
No longer your optional toy.
It’s full steam ahead.
How I love my own bed!
My soul’s not yours to destroy.

That’s the attitude! LACGAL.

Haiku Runner-Ups

MMarg

He says I love you.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I know about her.

Seven-syllable ha ha — love it.

Adelante

Household work was mine
I was your wife appliance
You were just a tool.

Ooh. Clever turnabout on “tool.”

FT

I feel sad for the
children involved in the three
marriages you broke

Tragic and to the point.

Crabby Tabby

Dear God up above,
What did I see in that narc?
Alone is better.

We all ask ourselves that, Crabby.

Still I Rise 

“I should get credit…
For the years I didn’t cheat!”
Have a bitch cookie

What was the longest interval? Weeks? Months?

threetimesachump

I cleaned my bathtub.
Came home to find a whore’s pube.
On my brand new soap.

YouCantPolishATurd

Many thanks Schmoopie!
His lies are now your problem.
Good luck with that shit.

No tag backs.

Racquel

I wanted to live!
Happily ever after.
So I had to leave.

Damn straight!

Ellen Rassiger 

Lawyer not sailor
Got that nautical tattoo
boat already sold

Hahahahahahaha! He probably can’t afford a ballpoint pen or a box of crackerjacks now. #tattoosadz

(drumroll…..)

And the LIMERICK WINNERS ARE:

UXWorld

To my ex, in honor of the apparent abandonment of the “sexual evolution podcast” that was being planning for 2019 —

In drumming up buzz for the podcasts,
And spotlighting both of your odd pasts,
They ain’t so spellbinding.
I trust you’re now finding:
Who cares how long R-P-D’s rod lasts?

Podcasts, odd pasts, rod lasts — genius! And a collective ewww.

YouCantPolishATurd

You thought a younger wife would look cool.
But really you look like an old fool.
When you come down with dementia,
I’ll be happy I sent ya’
away, and Schmoopie can wipe off your drool.

I think he’ll die in a puddle, Polish. Well done!

And the HAIKU WINNER IS:

ChumptyDumpty!

Diarrhea AND Dead Phone?
Try Whore Stop
Ain’t GPS a Bitch?!

So much cleverness distilled into three lines. The lame excuses. The savage snark. And how you busted him. Standing ovation!

I’ll be in touch, winners!

Congrats!!!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Will You be Your Valentine?

    Valentine’s Day celebrates true love. If you are in a relationship or you long for one, you have probably wondered if true love is available. You may have noticed that what you were taught is true love, is not. In my journey of relationship I have had to confront many illusions that made fake love seem true, which only led to disappointment. As I have confronted these illusions and held them up to the light of higher truth, I have found there is so much more to love than we have been led to believe by movies, novels, and love songs. As my Valentine’s present to you, I would like to highlight five false beliefs about relationships that have caused a lot of us pain, and the five truths about relationship that deliver us to true love.

    False Belief #1: There is One Person out there who is your divinely appointed soulmate. If you can find that One, your life becomes worthwhile. If not, you miss out on the greatest treasure that life has to offer.

    Healing Truth #1: There are many people who could be a wonderful mate for you. What you seek is a compatible flavor, energy, or vibration aligned with your soul. You seek an experience more than a person, and that experience is available through many avenues.

    False Belief #2: The Right Partner will complete you. But this means you are incomplete, which is not so. Whatever you bring to a relationship, magnifies. If you bring loneliness or emptiness to a relationship, those emotions will only get stronger in the relationship.

    Healing Truth #2: You are already whole. You don’t need anyone to complete you or offset your deficits. When you know who you are and love yourself, you will attract someone who knows who you are and loves you. Successful relationships work from the inside out.

    False Belief #3: You must struggle, hustle, suffer, and strive to find the right person. You must look perfect, lose weight, and lie about your age on match.com. Then you must go through a long series of excruciating, disappointing dates or marriages as a trial by fire before you earn the right to find The One.

    Healing Truth #3. Finding the right partner can be easy, organic, natural, and fun. If you have to struggle, posture, and engage in incessant image management, it’s not it. Many people meet their partner in the flow of their regular life. When you are ripe and ready inside, the right person will show up with no struggle or effort on your part.

    False Belief #4: You and your partner must be compatible in every area and agree on everything. If he doesn’t want to go do yoga or watch spiritual videos with you, something is wrong, and you’d better search for someone who likes everything you like.

    Healing Truth #4: No partner will be a carbon copy of you. To find someone like that is illusory and dangerous. The best relationships include diversity and complementary interests. If you enjoy being together and your partner loves and supports you to follow your interests, even if he or she doesn’t share those interests, you’ve got a good thing going. You can enjoy being with other friends who share the interests that your partner doesn’t.

    False Belief #5: A successful relationship is a milestone you achieve. When you get married, have the baby, or get the house, that will prove your relationship is real and solid.

    Healing Truth #5: Relationship is a process more than an endpoint. Whether you are married or with baby or house is less important than the quality of your connection. If you love and support each other, and are growing spiritually together, regardless of the worldly trophies, you have a real relationship.

    A Course in Miracles tells us that using relationships for spiritual growth is the quickest path to healing. Whether you fall in love with yourself with a partner, or fall in love with yourself without a partner, you have succeeded in relationship.

    If you are with a partner this Valentine’s Day, go out and celebrate your love. If you not with a partner this Valentine’s day, go in and celebrate your love. True love is available to you right where you stand.

    – Alan Cohen

    • My Valentine gift to Chump Nation, to all of you from Alan Cohen via Velvet Hammer.

      ????????❤️

      • So glad you shared that, Velvet!

        Though I already know many of these ‘false beliefs / healing truths’, the way he expresses the concepts is so very much better than I have ever worded it! I likely would have never come across this passage myself, so it is indeed a gift you shared today.

        I will share with others, especially youngsters & other chumps

        Love to all as we continue to ForgeOn!

      • Thanks, Velvet (& Alan). I needed this today. Feeling lonely but at the same time feeling so grateful to spend Valentine’s Day with my little daughter, curled up on the couch, watching Scooby-Doo and eating ice cream.

    • Thanks, Velvet Hammer,
      I agree with much of what Cohen wrote, but I don’t agree that everyone who is healthy and would like to have a partner will eventually get one. (Statistics show otherwise—There are way more single straight middle aged-old women, especially mothers, who want a partner than decent straight single men who want women, especially mothers of minor kids, their own age or older.) Five years ago today, I embarked on the romantic relationship with guy who I thought was my friend for 30 years. I had hoped to marry him or at least spend the rest of my life with him. Instead, I spent the last three Valentine’s Days partnerless, and he spent it with his second wife (and baby?) He used to call Valentine’s Day ‘Single Awareness Day.’ How appropriate. I always wanted to make him feel respected, loved, and appreciated, but I don’t think that he ever appreciated the effort. I tried to be grateful and gave my parents a card and will take them and my kids out to dinner, but I hate Valentine’s Day and my birthday now. (I hate to admit that I envy women who get flowers from significant others. I know that I should feel grateful to have access to food and shelter.) My last partner showed in a painful way on my birthday a few years ago that he did NOT love me. I still badly want him back in spite of often very bad treatment. I would rather have some affection and lots of mistreatment than no contact forever. This lack of contact, being shunned by him, feels like eternal torture. Workings three to four jobs, seven days a week, although I have advanced degrees, and trying to raise kids, but still qualify for some welfare. I feel hopeless. I feel like the loser my exes told me/tell me I was/am. Is anyone else here in this career/financial situation?

      I appreciate the Valentine’s Day poems by CN. We have some very clever people!

      • Yes; underemployed; high rent part of the country; zero family support, too busy to “ get a life” . I put one foot in front of the other try try and try again. I regret missing so much of my kids life due to trying to keep the heat on. Trying so hard for kid to be a good partner someday. The vapid society of youth, money and me me me …. its hard. Just know u r not alone and radical acceptance of this IS it. Small victories small joys. Hugs.

        • Magamcmeh,

          I wish you and your child energy, good fortune, and happiness. Thank you for inspiring me.

          I am going to try to stop grieving the loss of partners, especially the last one, and the loss of the opportunity to live the life I wish that my kids and I might have had—radical acceptance. Going to try to focus on making my lifecycle am day clients healthy and happy. Just really struggling to get out of a multi-year long, very dark ‘funk.’

          • I don’t know how long you’ve been without a partner. When I was newly discarded, I was so, so lonely. I wanted a partner badly, but fortunately, not with a married man who though separated from his wife for 8 years (she lived in another state), subtly let me know he was available were I inclined. I wasn’t. But he and I hung out together meeting at a restaurant or going on hikes. He was lonely but he didn’t divorce because his wife had health issues and his job provided the insurance. He was 62, I was 54 at the time. He was respectful of my decision and we remained friends for five years. We talked a lot. Initially I talked about the dick-ex. He listened and helped me work through the skein of fuckedupness. Eventually, I healed. I did not know I needed to heal until 5 years went past. I needed every bit of that 5 years to figure me out and realize that I’m a great person with or without a man in my life. Prior to that, I was almost desperate to have someone… to the point that I probably would have allowed another dick in my life. You don’t sound like you’re healed yet. And I’m sure it doesn’t help to have financial struggles. Please be kind to yourself and take the time to realize that you’re a valuable person. When you love yourself, though you might still be lonely, you’ll find that you’ll fill that void with wonderful people and you probably won’t be lonely at all. Blessings.

      • I didn’t see where he said everyone who would like a partner will eventually get one?
        I have a number of women friends who have repartnered or married as seniors, so I guess I tend to not listen to stats about available partner ratios…..I don’t know where those stats come from or how they are proved anyway….

        What spoke to me the loudest about this essay was his assertion that true love is an experience available to all of us, with or without partners.

        • Hi Velvet Hammer,
          Cohen mentions the right person appearing in ‘Truths’ #2 ‘You will attract someone who knows who you are and loves you’ and #3 ‘When you are ripe and ready, the right person will show up.’ Unfortunately. a lot of times, especially for middle-aged to older women this does not happen. I am glad that some of your older female friends are (happily?) repartnered. While I believe what you are saying about your friends, the fact that some women who want to become partnered/married get to do so does not negate the fact that many healthy middle-aged and older women who would like to have decent long-term (male) partners do not get a decent long-term male partner/husband. I do have statistics on this as I have a research background and used to lecture on gerontology and work with older people.

          I do like the gist of Cohen’s message about the many types of love. Might as well notice, enjoy the love available to us and create love.

          • Ah! I see we are interpreting differently here…..I read #2 and #3 as good prerequisites from which to partner….not as a guarantee that I would or when…..

            “Can” might be a better word there than
            “will”….

            That being said, two of the women I know waited 17 years to marry again as seniors. There is also the temptation to decide that because something hasn’t happened by the time one thinks it should that it never will….
            I knew my daughter was coming 14 years before she was born. A few women I knew never were able to have the children they wanted, but there were quite a few who were in despair way before 14 years had passed and decided they couldn’t have children. When hearing about my wait, their perspective changed and they ended up getting pregnant. None of us ever know with certainty what is going to happen or when. I think the time to decide that something isn’t going to happen is when I’m taking my last breaths.

            ❤️

    • Tempest, I know right? We are so smart and clever and witty. Those cheaters are stupid to have left us. The karma bus cometh for thee.

    • Big congrats to all, winners, honorables, submitters! All of this was a lot of fun, from the writing to the reading to the additional commenting here. Thank you, Chump Lady, for the contest and for then reading all the submissions.

  • hahaha ChumptyDumpty!!!! LOL Well done!

    Diarrhea…. Well I’m almost peeing in my pants!
    He must have been pretty desperate to come up with that excuse.

    I have been super busy, would have submitted this limerick:

    Bullied by cheater Chump fell for a trap
    Of bugging airline for assistant’s lost luggage
    Checked by Sparkles, “she had too many bags to manage”
    Turns out assistant’s job was that kind of crap
    That’s been around since the dawn of the clap

    Only later did it occur to me to ask how “assistant” found the time to do so much shopping -three 32 kg suitcases- if it was a business trip. Sparkles gaslighted and blameshifted in reply.

    I later found out from “assistant” ‘s facebook that on that on that trip to Miami she was at Disney World while sparkles was working. They did go to Busch Gardens together.

  • I feel surprisingly meh for having just moved out on Tuesday. Found these poems funny. Haven’t cried a single tear. Enjoying organizing our (me, daughter and two cats) new home. Nearly done, don’t have tons of stuff. I think next week we should have a house warming party just for ourselves! After these soul crushing years with cheater-liar I know I’ll be happier by myself.

  • Congratulations to both winners and the runners-up! What a wonderful plate of snark to remind us just why it’s so much better on the other side!

  • Thank you ChumptyDumpty!

    I’d almost forgotten all the times he came home late with diarrhea as the excuse. Or no shirt under his suit because he was so ill that he vomited on the shirt and left it in his office.

    How many nights I stayed awake worrying where he was (was he alive) because of overnight construction traffic and a dead phone. I’m dating myself because there were no car phone chargers or GPS. I will never forget the fear and worry all those nights.

    Who does that? I can answer my own question but how pathetic.

    • I agree Rebecca – ChumptyDumpty that poem was fantastic and I do wonder also if we could do a Friday challenge about phone trickery and excuses.

  • For anyone feeling sad today, I encourage you to take this day back and celebrate LOVE.

    Velvet Hammer was on point with her healing truths.

    I may not be with my cheating STBXH. I may not have a romantic significant other to have moved on in life with. But I am LOVED and I LOVE. Today, I celebrate the mature, real, healthy and blessed love in my life of the multitude of family members and friends, and most especially my children. There is so much, all of it far more precious now without my cheater sucking away my joy.

    What a beautiful day. Happy Valentine’s.

    • Option No More,
      Thank you for an uplifting message! I am sorry to all readers if I came across as a ‘Debbie Downer’ in my earlier response to Chump Lady’s Valentine’s Day special. Probably more financial/professional/parental challenges than lack of ‘love life’ leading to current outlook. Agree with you, Option No More, that there are many different types of love and that we can not only receive but also give love. Will try to keep the spirit of your message in mind while I serve my clients. Work is not just earning money to survive; it is also providing service/product (care and love).

      Thanks Chump Lady and poets. I hope that everyone in Chump Nation had a great Valentine’s Day.

  • There was a young whore who’s lies would vary,
    Her bush was rather unruly and very hairy
    until one day she asked to borrowed my clippers
    little did I know she would pull down her zipper,
    For her ex and likely others,
    Good riddance, wish you weren’t my daughter’s mother.

  • I didn’t do anything he said.
    Then confessed to the hoes he had bed
    It’s all your fault
    That I got caught

    Oh how I wish he was dead (—-too harsh—) try instead
    And now the marriage is dead, ( I don’t like that either.)
    I wish we had never wed. ( for sure)

    Pick a line or make up another.

  • Love all the creativity on here today. I’m three years out and feeling happy on my own. Romantic love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Lucky if you find genuine love but I’m sticking with the love of family and friends and finding love for myself. Happy Valentine’s day everyone.

    • I’m in Mazatlan for two weeks and had the best valentine’s day of my life. Spending it with old friends and new ???? cheater x would never travel to a place like this. He only liked going to NASCAR races????

  • I LOL’d in recognition at the “diarrhea” one! We could probably have an entire post on “why they don’t answer their phones” or just phone behavior in general.

    “I was in the bathroom for a long time” — as if I hadn’t been aware that his phone always, always accompanied him to the bathroom. “I must have forgotten to turn the ringer back on” was a favorite. While driving, it was usually “I dropped my phone and couldn’t reach it” (didn’t hear that one quite as much after Bluetooth was invented).

    Every new innovation in technology ends up being a new way to catch them lying, matched by a frantic rush on their part to use the new tech to further their deceit. (I could list a long paragraph more on computer-use excuses!)

    It’s actually kind of funny now that I don’t care anymore.

  • Kudos to the winners and runner ups. Let it go, let it go.

    Spent Valentines evening with 2 yr old grandson — NOTHING tops that. Corndogs, tater tops, kisses and “mutual” true love <3

  • I spent V day with my daughter. Attended her college play that night, alone. She was working tech. I had a blast. I bought pizza for tech went back to hotel, alone. I woke up alone with the first thought of….I am so glad my X is not here.
    Previous to this staying at a hotel alone while visiting my daughter was the saddest thing ever.

    It does get better “alone”!

  • ChumptyDumpty that poem was fantastic and I do wonder also if we could do a Friday challenge about phone trickery and excuses.

  • Bog standard bobby on the beat was he
    Motorcycle law enforcer was she
    Up the bum for one year
    Even when our twins were near
    Now we’re out, now I’m whole, now I’m free!

    Apologies for the lateness but I was inspired lol

  • >