I’m writing to you as I was forwarded your website by my therapist.
I found myself in a shrink’s chair when I caught my husband out meeting a gay man he had found on Adam4Adam.
My husband and I have been together for seven years, married for 2.3, separated since Valentines Day.
November 26 was Dday for me. I caught him coming out of a random house and long story short he said he hooked up with a man he found on Adam4Adam and they jerked off together. That night he swore it was his first and only time meeting someone. His only explanation was that he “had needs to be met and since we didn’t have sex in two weeks, he needed to do this.” He went on to say “it wasn’t cheating because it was with another man.” At that moment all I could muster up was “you mean to tell me you just cheated on me with man?!?!” I felt the blood drain from my face and left the house.
As weeks went by he confessed that he lied to me about his past sexual relationships of having four sexual partners before me and that him and his ex would invite a third into the bedroom. Women AND men. After they split he would answer adds on Craigslist and back-page where he was a third because he missed it. He did this until he met me. He went on to explain that after awhile of dating me our relationship grew stronger. However, if we had an argument, he would block me from contacting him so we wouldn’t talk for a few days. This is when he searched out men to jerk off with.
He swore he wasn’t gay but has a “sex addiction” problem and only did it when we would argue.
I was desperate to save my marriage, so off we went to group therapy for sex addicts and counseling. Through this process he confessed again that he had lied to friends and family about any argument we ever had and he would always make me out to be the bad guy. He said he didn’t want his family to think he was a jerk, so he would tell lies about what we really argued about. He also told me that he was sexually assaulted as a child and never told a single soul. Until now. He said jerking off with men and hiding it was something he had been doing since he was young. He never addressed it in therapy and has been holding this secret for most of his life. Being a nurse I did my best to look at it from a mental disorder, and if he was willing to go to therapy I was in it for the long hall.
Anyway, I tired to fight the good fight and save my marriage. I gave more sex, more attention, more of everything as long as he was accountable for his whereabouts and showed me his cell phone. He was willing to be held accountable for all his actions and wanted to save our marriage. I believed him up until I found messages on his phone he had not shared with me. When I found them I was done. I left and took everything I could grab.
I’m not going to lie, the past few weeks has been beyond difficult. However, I met with an attorney, tried to call him to discuss business like the car, bills, etc and guess what? I’m blocked. ME?!?! I don’t get it. I was willing to walk through fire with him to figure his shit out and now I’m the one who is blocked?!? Why am I so hurt over this? Why can’t he just man up and face his mess?
I’m so confused. Was I married to a gay man? A straight man? An abused lost soul who desperately needs my help? A sex addict?
I’m devastated to say the least but I’m not sure what’s devastating the most. The fact that he lied again. That he is a serial liar. A serial cheater. That my marriage is over. That I can’t help him. The fact he has not once reached out to me to say he is sorry. That my life as I know it is O. V. E. R. Or the that I’m blocked.
I know he is so screwed up. I gave him a second chance, but will never give him a third. Yet, I can’t help that I still do love him, cry all day every day and obsess over all of it. Will that ever go away? Will I ever get the “I can’t live without you speech?”
You don’t want the “I can’t live without you” speech. Trust me, as someone who got the “I can’t live without you” speech, it’s highly overrated. Like that trendy restaurant that gives you botulism. Be glad he’s not dishing out more mindfuckery.
Was I married to a gay man? A straight man? An abused lost soul who desperately needs my help? A sex addict?
You were married to a man who was abusing you. It doesn’t matter what flavor of fucked up he is. Your response was entirely sane and appropriate — you protected yourself and you left.
But, but IT MATTERS!
No, it really doesn’t. I know it FEELS like it matters, but it doesn’t. If you got hit by a train, does it matter if it’s a southbound diesel or a northbound steam engine? You go splat on the tracks either way.
Step away from the skein. There’s only one issue to untangle with him — whether his treatment is acceptable to you, or if it isn’t. But, but, but! extenuating circumstances! still takes us back to that knot. IS THIS ACCEPTABLE TO YOU? No? Cut the knot.
He weaponized your decency, Mg. You went in there with a big loving heart. You would’ve held his hand through the gay/sex addict/abused child thing. You would’ve made your needs smaller and smaller for his. As in, “Sure, I’ll have more sex with you after you risked my life with your bareback sex ads! What’s my reproductive health worth? or my sanity? What really matters here, Skip, are YOUR orgasms.”
It wasn’t sustainable, Mg!
You only stepped off this doomed carnival ride when he couldn’t fake his great investment in not being an asshole for what? entire weeks?
I know you loved and invested in that asshole and I know it hurts. Like a boulder fell on your chest and you’re pinned to the ground and can’t ever lift it off. I know you’re mad at me for calling him an asshole. That a part of you inside defends him (but, but ISSUES!), defends yourself for loving him — but Mg, time for radical acceptance — he was an ASSHOLE. A gay/straight/abused child/addict ASSHOLE.
However, if we had an argument, he would block me from contacting him so we wouldn’t talk for a few days. This is when he searched out men to jerk off with.
So, how are you ever supposed to feel safe with that?
If you so much as disagree with him about anything — the color of the drapes, the movie ending, how you like your coffee — he will LEAVE and punish you with silence. Put aside the man-on-man sex for a moment — just the fact this person responds to conflict with ABANDONMENT and the SILENT TREATMENT is a non-starter.
Really, it’s just all pretext to fuck around on you.
he confessed again that he had lied to friends and family about any argument we ever had and he would always make me out to be the bad guy.
He said he didn’t want his family to think he was a jerk
He didn’t want his family to think he was gay. Whatever, I’m sure you made him this way. If the blameshift fits…
He also told me that he was sexually assaulted as a child and never told a single soul. Until now. He said jerking off with men and hiding it was something he had been doing since he was young. He never addressed it in therapy and has been holding this secret for most of his life.
It’s tragic that he was abused as a child. That sadly common experience (FBI stats are 1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 10 boys, and it’s all underreported) does not give him carte blanche to abuse YOU. If he’d told you this story and the ending was “and that’s why I molest children” you would not give him a pass. The world is full of formerly abused children who do not go on to be abusers. It’s also full of people who were NOT abused, who feel totally entitled to abuse others. Oh, and monsters who will claim victimhood as DARVO sad sausages. (Undermining the credibility of scores of actual abuse victims.) Skein untangling doesn’t get us very far.
He feels entitled to secrecy. He feels entitled to risk your health. He feels entitled to your investment in him.
However, I met with an attorney, tried to call him to discuss business like the car, bills, etc and guess what? I’m blocked. ME?!?! I don’t get it. I was willing to walk through fire with him to figure his shit out and now I’m the one who is blocked?!? Why am I so hurt over this? Why can’t he just man up and face his mess?
If he were that man, then he wouldn’t be the man who’s been fronting a lie for the last 7 years.
Why are you hurt? Because he’s punishing you for holding him accountable. He’s hurting you the way he’s hurt you every other time you had an argument and he left and went silent. It WORKS for him. You hurt because you care and he’s rejected you. So stop caring and take that power away from him.
You need no contact now. So let your attorney deal with the logistics.
It was NEVER your job to “walk through fire” to “figure his shit” out. That’s HIS job. If you want to be compassionate, consider you’re leaving to give him the time and space to do that work. (I doubt he’ll do it, but that’s my cynicism from reading hundreds of thousands of these stories.) He’ll never be straight husband material, but perhaps with years of therapy, he could be decent human being material. Not your problem, you can’t help him with this, but say a little prayer for him if it helps YOU detach.
But detach you must.
Check out the Straight Spouse Network too.