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New Age Cheaterisms

LLLCheaters seem well-versed in philosophy — the kind of Pinterest-board deep thoughts that can only be expressed by a sunset meme or a basket of kittens.

So your Fun Friday Challenge this week is to take a popular New Age-y aphorism like “Live, Love, Laugh” and rewrite it for cheater sensibilities –“Lie, Luv, Litigate.”

So what’s your Schmoopie goop speak?

If you see some judgement, set it free?

Keep Calm and Hide Your Phone?

You Light Up My… Polygraph?

Please share yours!



Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Early to bed
    Early to rise
    Texting with skankfriends
    And telling more lies

  • If you love something, cheat on it.
    If it comes back to you, eat cake.
    If it doesn’t, find another chump.

    • This is what the APs husband told me when I called him to make sure he wasn’t an axe murderer and going to set my ex’s house on fire after he shacked up with that guy’s wife.

      He told me he helped his (Still) wife move in with my brand new ex husband…. and that “she’s a lousy wife, but a good mom…. and that she “loved” my ex and that “the heart wants what the heart wants”

      I could not figure out why he was so blasé about it… until it dawned on me that he had a side piece of his own…

  • Did you ever know that you’re my horror?

    You’re everything i wished you’d never be.

    But i can rise higher than a Phoenix.

    Cause you are the flame beneath my wings.

  • You must let go of the life you had planned so you can accept your cheaters entitlement to cake.

  • I can’t help it if I get a hard-on whenever I see her. But you can touch it and make me feel better, Chump.

  • Stats can’t shine without darkness, and cheaters can’t cheat without chumps

  • Never gonna give him up
    Always gonna let you down
    Gonna always run around and betray you

  • I saw this meme.

    If you love someone set them free

    If they come back someone else didn’t want them

    Set them free again.

  • If anyone is worth doing, do them in your truck in a public park on your lunch hour.

  • My dick chakra needs regular clearing
    It’s energy vibrates when it senses new available pussy

  • My feelings were dead
    But her love is true
    ‘Cause SHE likes it in the butthole
    So she better than you!!

    • Roses are red,
      Violets are blue
      I need kinky sex
      So I cheated on you.

      But I’ll come back for cake.
      Because I am entitled
      Don’t care if that hurts you
      Because I’m a man child.

  • Find Your Why

    For cheating, Why = Wife is old and flabby while OW is young and shiny/I deserve to be happy and I haven’t been happy for (insert ascending numbers such as 5, 10, 15…) years!

  • Don’t try to steer the river. – Deepak Chopra

    Don’t try to steer the Cheater. Gain a life instead. – Chump

  • I couldn’t actually do better than the Worm himself, who always said variations of, “Live your life based on reality”.
    While I was living the mindfuck, I thought that meant don’t live in a fantasy world.
    Now I realize it was actually the other way around.
    So for example when he said we needed to have a “reality based discussion”, he actually meant he was going to lie because the conversation would be based on reality, not actual reality.

  • Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
    So allow me: “You’re Sorry”

  • Doggy Style
    Like no one is watching.
    Like the entire hotel can hear
    Like you hate yourself
    As though your hell is here on Earth.

  • Horace: “I’m sorry I wasn’t my best self for you.”
    Me: “…How many selves have you got?”

  • If at first you don’t succeed (at cheating on your spouse with your friends wife) try try again (with another friends wife who is as big of an a-hole as you are)

  • Original: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways….

    Cheater Version: How do I love thee, thee, and thee? Let me recount the lies…

  • The AP is a Jesus cheater, I remembered that her go-to tagline was “Have faith”.

    I think what she meant was “Me no have morals”.

  • Love is the flower; you’ve got to let it grow. John Lennon
    And cheaters are the manure that will make this so. Clearwaters

    • More John Lennon…I’m just sitting here watching your lies spin round and round. I really love to watch them grow. No longer riding on your merry go round, I just had to let you go.

  • Thanks CN for starting my morning with laughter!
    Two of the dick’s favorites….
    Work hard….Play hard
    Things Change

    Lie about working hard….Play with Cialis
    Things change….because they need to be more about me

  • Whose wife is this I think I know
    Her house is in the village though

    She soon will be my latest ho

  • If I tell myself it didn’t happen,
    It never did.
    If I said it didn’t happen,
    Then that is the truth.
    If I want her to believe it didn’t happen
    I’ll tell her she needs to believe.
    My word don’t speak of bit a truth,
    But what I said is how it is.

  • We are not cheaters having a pleasurable extramarital experience. We are extramarital pleasurers having a cheating experience.

    If you can imagine hitting that, yeah, you can probably hit that.

    Don’t try to steer the penis. Let the penis steer you.

    The only way you can fail is if you don’t try….to fuck strange.

  • This was easy. My cheater’s skank has a million of ‘em on her page. Her original: “G-d will always make a way for you. 1 COR 10:13”. My version: “Whores will always open their legs for you.” SHMOOPIE 2:28

  • It’s not cheating if it just happened.

    Straight from fuckwit’s mouth: I wasn’t cheating, it was an accident that went too far.

    • Omg. SMH…???? That is, hands down, one of the stupidest and most laughable things I have ever heard.

  • These are all so good!!!!!

    Cheaters gonna Cheat.

    Flirt like your partner’s not watching.
    Screw like no one gets hurt.
    Lie like you don’t care about the truth.
    Live like you’re the only one who matters.

  • It’s not cheating with a ho-worker it’s utilizing diversification methodology by paradigm shifting protruding extremities into multi use vessels to advance the best customer service experience through expedited beta testing processes.

  • Laugh. Love. Lube was one I see quite often.

    The ones about levelling up and how when you move to another plane you’ll shed uneccesary friends and family along the way who don’t understand/or are blocking your way to ultimate self-actualization. Cheaters take that kind of bull as a cue to do whatever they want and if people don’t understand, it’s because they’re not on cheater’s ‘side’

    The OW was a fine one for posting stupid passive aggressive shit as ‘secret messages’ to people (that sounds like I should be wearing tin foil, but I know it’s true) especially stuff about how the haters would love to see her fail but she’s ordained to win etc.

    To all that I say, Love. Laugh. Fuck off.

    • It’s shocking how easily cheaters discard loyal, loving partners in order to “raise their vibration”. New age bullshit!

      • yes, mine said they had to leave for AP because they and AP believe sex is the door to the spiritual plains……wtf

        • ???? all that tantric stuff… I think part of the reason ex and I had a troubled sex life is because he took it all too seriously. Got to a bit silly amd playful sometimes!

  • My Cheater Loves the alternative Serenity Prayer as indicated in the Pearls Before Swine comic strip… Now I understand why.

    The Cheater’s Prayer
    God Grant me the courage to change the things I cannot accept
    Serenity to accept the things I’ve changed
    And the Wisdom to know I’m Different

  • The Four Agreements:
    1-Be impeccable with your word…except when lying, cheating and gaslighting your spouse.

    2- Don’t take anything personally…except every single thing your spouse/partner has ever said or done so you can justify the lying and cheating and use for gaslighting.

    3- Don’t make assumptions….except when assuming you will face zero consequences.

    4-Always do your best…at lying and cheating and gaslighting.

    • Love it! That is my XW!!!! She could bring up something I said 25 years ago but couldn’t remember how long her affair(s) were.

      • yeah – I got a lot of “once in 1999 you didn’t thank me for taking out the trash” but bringing up the “texting my gf while you were in labor” was being too harpy and not “moving on”. ????????‍♀️

        • Wow! texting his gf while you’re in labor? what an ass.
          I thought mine was bad while I was in labor for complaining to me that his feet really hurt. He had been standing for the last hour

          Ex couldn’t remember anything the entire time we were together.
          Then a few months before he left I heard I can never forgive you for what you said in 1998.

  • “A penis sucked is a penis earned.”

    A favorite of frugal cheaters! 😉

  • Dear Wife,

    Sorry (not really) that I didn’t like you very much, but I sure liked your name. Actually, I liked it enough to marry OW who has the very same one as you! And as an added benefit, if I have a slip of the tongue, she’ll never know!

    You’re gonna be fine, so bye-bye!

    Serial Cheater XH

  • Fish
    Fish Again
    In our lives change is unavoidable, loss is unavoidable. In the adaptability and ease with which we triangulate, lies our happiness and freedom.
    your pussy could be the key that unlocks someone else’s prison, don’t be afraid to share it.
    Your current situation IS your final destination.

  • Be your best you.
    But if you can’t be that… just cheat and lie and blame someone else.

  • Seek happiness…
    you deserve it, forget your children!

    (’s hidden in the vagina of the secretary you supervise, but hurry there are 3 other men looking there too!)

  • Original, “The only time you should look back is to see how far you’ve come.”

    Cheater version, “The only time you should look back is to see if the OW’s husband is chasing you with a shotgun.”

  • “Kids are resilient.”

    They’ll be fine living out of suitcases going back and forth and won’t have depression or a drug habit or mental health problems because of my cheating and the divorce.

    Because of my decisions now our 8 year old has TWO mommies, and two is better than one as I say! Isn’t our son lucky!

    • Hey Fearful,
      Haven’t posted here in a couple months; it’s been tough lately-the divorce was final day after Christmas.
      My ex did the “kids are resilient “ thing too. When my son cried, she told him he’d be fine, people divorce all the time and didn’t she deserve to be happy??
      She’s also big on posting Facebook platitudes. Her favorite is “the joy of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.” She actually went so far as to have a mug with that on it made for me the first Christmas she was gone, while she was living with her asshole boyfriend. I broke that damn thing immediately.

      • Yeah, my Ex, by his own admission, didn’t think about how the kids would be impacted by his cheating, getting kicked out, continuing to lie to them, and then abandoning them. Except once! He apparently had a tiny twinge of concern! So he asked someone w/experience of divorce w/kids, who told him ‘the kids will be fine’, so he never worried about it again.

        Of course, the person he consulted was the Shmoopie he was fucking at the time ….. who had broken up her own kids family by cheating previously. An objective opinion, I’m sure.

        • Same thing here. The asshole she’s with did his wife 10 ago and left his kids. He tells my ex the boys will be fine. Of course he tells her that because he has his own agenda.
          I found out they had met on Facebook and he had been encouraging her to leave her family. She did. Yet she insists she’s a good mom and was a good wife…

          • I heard the “kids are resilient” that he had talked to reliable sources, our neighbor who has been married four times and has kids from each marriage. His brother-in-law who got “together” with his sister one night at a postal convention. He then moved across the country leaving his wife and five young children. Sounds reliable to me.

      • Hi Cali, good to see you again. Keep hanging in there.

        I’m hopeful to be on the other side of signed divorce papers by spring. He’s following the narc playbook and fighting me over every dime, cause it’s his money dontcha know.

        The kids are resilient phrase is totally my last button and he knows it. They are all so entitled myopic asshats. God I hate having to share custody. He actually yelled at our son, in front of me no less, “ I yell at you because I love you.” Now, there’s a summation of emotional abuse.

        • Mine didn’t even fight. I have full custody of my sons. Her primary concern was my retirement, of which she got half.
          She’s been pretty callous- she texted me on New Year’s Day and asked how it felt to be “free from my marriage.”
          She also admitted she lied to me about the affair, but has never once apologized or shown any remorse.

          • Thank goodness your boys have your stability and care. I imagine it’s hard and exhausting having to handle all the parenting on your own and difficult to watch your kids suffer. When she texts you those blaming cruel messages just realize she’s probably having a moment of realizing she’s made crappy decisions and her brain has to go back to blaming you in order for her to feel better.

            If it’s not about the kids, no need to communicate. Delete and block!

            Best to you, Cali.

    • Fuck’n fake family bullshit. They are such entitled dicks or bitches. So know about this AB normal bullshit!

  • Given the fact that SchmooperFreak reinvented herself as a New Age Energy Healer (and Toxic Relationship Therapist – I do not jest), I feel like I have an unfair advantage here. So, here’s the thing….I have never, ever, met this creature in my life. She had never even seen a photo of me until 2 years after the 11-day twu wuv in. Also, btw, literally the day I found out, I kicked the Husband out of the house and went totally NC, BUT:
    I beat my husband up for years to the point where he was physically terrified into crawling back to me (I am 5’3 and 8.5 stone, my husband is 6′ and double that, so yeah, apart from lack of broken bones, bruises and oh, the truth, that figures0
    I have major abandonment issues
    My aura is black, black, black
    I harness black magic and use it against her
    I abuse the universe’s energy by existing
    I am the reincarnation of some sort of ancient soul-sucking Egyptian demon

    To be honest, I was actually quite impressed with myself. In an unwittingly harnessing the dark mighty forces of all known and unknown dimensions way.

      • OMG-yes! And if you do figure out the black magic energy thing, can you share here? I’m several folks would be interested.

        • Haha, really funny! Yes, I would be interested in knowing how. Thanks.

  • not for them, but for us; “if you sit by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by.”

  • Eat sleep rave repeat – Cheat fuck lie repeat
    I think the Eat sleep rave repeat might not even be the original ‘meme’ or whatever that type of thing is called! Can anyone enlighten?

  • Cake glorious cake… (to the tune of food glorious food)… disordered X’s swansong before a certain chump learnt better

  • May all Beings be happy; may all Beings be free (to cheat). My ex thinks he’s a Buddhist. He’s really a Narcissist.

  • “You are not enough for me”

    Meme of sad, pouty face

    (Said after 30 years of marriage)

  • “I deserve my happiness too” (huh?)

    Meme of flawless bodies on a beach (blech)

  • The very last email I had from my now XH was
    “ you just need to except and respect”
    I immediately blocked him from all communication, hired a mediator and have not communicated with him in 2 yrs and have no intention to ever again. Sadly. I have a daughter and 3 grandchildren who have a idiot for a grandfather !

    • Or….Do others as you would have them do you. (To hell with the spouse….I want what I want when I want it…)

      • Tessie haha, yeah, I wanted to write “Do unto others…”, but have a line drawn through the “unto”, but I didn’t know how to make that happen on here!

  • You simply have to put one ho in front of the other and keep going. Put blinders on and plow right ahead. – George Lucas

  • If at first you don’t succeed (at an online extramarital hookup), swipe, swipe again!

  • People are going to talk about you, (unhappy spouse)
    no matter what you do. (or who you screw)
    So you might as well do (might as well screw)
    what brings you joy, (who brings you joy)
    and live your best life….., (you deserve it)

  • Dicks and phones will break up homes
    Thrusting cheating turds toward Schmoopies.

    Alternative Version:

    Dicks and phones will break up homes
    But cheating turds can go fuck themselves as this chump walks away with everything.

  • Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

    My ex cheater actually posted this on a Pinterest board ????. Right next to the board he named “things for Sara” Funny I never saw a “things for my wife“ board.

    How is that for character ????.

    My rewrite of his quote:

    Be more concerned with your hypocrisy, not your delusions, because your hypocrisy shows who you truly are; while your delusions are who you want everyone else to think you are!

  • Don’t lie to the girl of your life for the hoe of the night.

    This from his affair partners Pinterest page after he cheated on her! Lol!

  • Keep walking! (his motto)
    Bye! (mine)

    If she makes you wanna go crazy she’s the one. (found in his phone)
    The one who’s gonna get you divorced.

  • I’ve been single for a while and I have to admit its going very well

    Like ….. It’s working out

    I think I’m the one. (

  • Saying “You are love of my life”
    loses its meaning
    when you omitted you are leading a double life.

    Just saying.

  • Integrity- is doing the right thing, (whatever makes me happy) when nobody’s watching.

  • If cheaters fuck in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it count as kibbles?

    • No because there’s no triangulation! So eventually fucking in the forest isn’t fun anymore. Thats how grey rock and no contact works. ????

  • Cake. It’s what’s for dinner.

    Maybe not new agey but ????????‍♀️

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