New Age Cheaters and Cheaterisms

new age cheater

New Age cheaters seem well-versed in philosophy — the kind of Pinterest-board deep thoughts that can only be expressed by a sunset meme or a basket of kittens.

So your Fun Friday Challenge this week is to take a popular New Age-y aphorism like “Live, Love, Laugh” and rewrite it for cheater sensibilities –“Lie, Luv, Litigate.”

So what’s your Schmoopie New Age cheater goop speak?

If you see some judgement, set it free?

Keep Calm and Hide Your Phone?

You Light Up My… Polygraph?

Please share yours!

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TitsAndAssAndAllThat
TitsAndAssAndAllThat
4 years ago

Early to bed
Early to rise
Texting with skankfriends
And telling more lies

Attie
Attie
4 years ago

Good one!

NotAfraid
NotAfraid
4 years ago

If you love something, cheat on it.
If it comes back to you, eat cake.
If it doesn’t, find another chump.

Dumped a Dick in Denver
Dumped a Dick in Denver
4 years ago
Reply to  NotAfraid

LOVE!

renee62
renee62
4 years ago
Reply to  NotAfraid

Perfect????

Poconochump
Poconochump
4 years ago
Reply to  NotAfraid

Fuck’n awesome!!

Suzy
Suzy
4 years ago
Reply to  NotAfraid

This one is so perfect.

RoseThorns
RoseThorns
4 years ago
Reply to  NotAfraid

Lmao. EXCELLENT!

jenal30
jenal30
4 years ago

Love you to a cheap motel and back!

renee62
renee62
4 years ago
Reply to  jenal30

Good one!????

Doingme
Doingme
4 years ago
Reply to  jenal30

Love this!

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
4 years ago
Reply to  jenal30

This one killed me ????????????

Lifeontheotherside
Lifeontheotherside
4 years ago

I can’t live without you (and her).

Robin
Robin
4 years ago

Ha, love this one!

marissachump
marissachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Robin

(…and her and her and her and him and her and him.) My cheater was very busy.

Ally
Ally
4 years ago
Reply to  marissachump

Snap so was mine, over 200 gals/guys over at least half our 24 year marriage.

Blindsidedchump
Blindsidedchump
4 years ago

Winner winner, herpes dinner ????

Hcard
Hcard
4 years ago

LMAO, glad I know not to drink coffee while reading these.

jangledchickchump
jangledchickchump
4 years ago

Good one ! ????????????????????

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
4 years ago

Mmmm!! LMAO! ????????

Bobbi Derkson
Bobbi Derkson
4 years ago

????????????

TooSmartforthisShit
TooSmartforthisShit
4 years ago

Eat
Love
Stray

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
4 years ago

Cheat Prey Lie

renee62
renee62
4 years ago

Wow ????

jangledchickchump
jangledchickchump
4 years ago

????????????

AugustaCarp
AugustaCarp
4 years ago

Eat. Love. Prey.

Elizabeth E Heilman
Elizabeth E Heilman
4 years ago
Reply to  AugustaCarp

Liz Gilbert is a super predator cheater….here she explains it….https://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/28/magazine/confessions-of-a-seduction-addict.html

EMC
EMC
4 years ago

Omg, couldn’t even get through it…what she writes, speaks volumes about the type of empty and narcissistic person she is. What kind of hobby is that? She’s proud of it! Something of that nature should be admitted anonymously, but she needs her accolades. Just, wow.
Fuck me, for giving her any platform. Steering far clear of that kind of bimbo craziness.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
4 years ago

My God, she’s a monster

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
4 years ago

Meet prey, leave

jangledchickchump
jangledchickchump
4 years ago

Brilliant!

Luziana
Luziana
4 years ago

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants.
Sick Minds Want Sickening Things.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

The Old Fart wants what the Old Fart wants…

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

This is what the APs husband told me when I called him to make sure he wasn’t an axe murderer and going to set my ex’s house on fire after he shacked up with that guy’s wife.

He told me he helped his (Still) wife move in with my brand new ex husband…. and that “she’s a lousy wife, but a good mom…. and that she “loved” my ex and that “the heart wants what the heart wants”

I could not figure out why he was so blasé about it… until it dawned on me that he had a side piece of his own…

nutmegpixy
nutmegpixy
4 years ago

If at first you dont succeed, keep fucking her!

Poconochump
Poconochump
4 years ago
Reply to  nutmegpixy

Funny

Phoenix
Phoenix
4 years ago
Reply to  nutmegpixy

Live your best lie.

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
4 years ago
Reply to  Phoenix

Awesome, Phoenix!!

Racquel
Racquel
4 years ago

Did you ever know that you’re my horror?

You’re everything i wished you’d never be.

But i can rise higher than a Phoenix.

Cause you are the flame beneath my wings.

spiritwoman
spiritwoman
4 years ago
Reply to  Racquel

This is excellent! Re-titled “Did you ever know that you were my zero?”

Marianne
Marianne
4 years ago
Reply to  spiritwoman

OMG! Love it

TooSmartforthisShit
TooSmartforthisShit
4 years ago

You must let go of the life you had planned so you can accept your cheaters entitlement to cake.

EMC
EMC
4 years ago

Wow. Love this.

JWH
JWH
4 years ago

I can’t help it if I get a hard-on whenever I see her. But you can touch it and make me feel better, Chump.

Poconochump
Poconochump
4 years ago
Reply to  JWH

Hilarious!

TooSmartforthisShit
TooSmartforthisShit
4 years ago

Stats can’t shine without darkness, and cheaters can’t cheat without chumps

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
4 years ago

Never gonna give him up
Always gonna let you down
Gonna always run around and betray you

Geode
Geode
4 years ago

There is always HPV to remind me…

-Ah Hah

free_wren
free_wren
4 years ago
Reply to  Geode

This truly made me LOL. Thank you for the rickroll

renee62
renee62
4 years ago
Reply to  Geode

sad but true!????

Attie
Attie
4 years ago

Rick Astley special. Love it!

DigitalChump
DigitalChump
4 years ago

STDs are the spice of a cheater’s wife’s life.

Let go
Let go
4 years ago

I saw this meme.

If you love someone set them free

If they come back someone else didn’t want them

Set them free again.

EMC
EMC
4 years ago
Reply to  Let go

????

Foolishchump
Foolishchump
4 years ago
Reply to  Let go

LOL….love this

OnMyWayToMeh
OnMyWayToMeh
4 years ago

If anyone is worth doing, do them in your truck in a public park on your lunch hour.

Babs the Chump
Babs the Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  OnMyWayToMeh

Hahaha! Really like that. It sounds like sarcasm of some of that Facebook mush.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago
Reply to  OnMyWayToMeh

OMG! barf!

Dudette
Dudette
4 years ago

You deplete me.

ChumpetyChumpChump
ChumpetyChumpChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Dudette

Perfection! Well done.

AugustaCarp
AugustaCarp
4 years ago
Reply to  Dudette

Perfect!

Poconochump
Poconochump
4 years ago
Reply to  Dudette

Yep.

RoseThorns
RoseThorns
4 years ago
Reply to  Dudette

Great redo of the infamous Jerry Maguire line that sickens me. When I was reviewing dating sites a few years ago (big mistake btw), there were numerous guy’s profiles that actually still quoted this. Ugh & barf-o-rama!

DigitalChump
DigitalChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Dudette

So succinct and so true! Fantastic!

free_wren
free_wren
4 years ago
Reply to  DigitalChump

haha! i feel that. so true!

Olderandwiser
Olderandwiser
4 years ago

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. See it didn’t happen!

DarkQueen68
DarkQueen68
4 years ago

If at first you don’t succeed (at destroying your chump), lie, lie again.

Still I Rise
Still I Rise
4 years ago

The view (of strange) is worth the climb (on top of OW in your marital bed)

Deedee
Deedee
4 years ago

My dick chakra needs regular clearing
It’s energy vibrates when it senses new available pussy

Poconochump
Poconochump
4 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

Lol ????

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

dick chakra…. huah huah huah!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

needs regular lcaerin … clearing (I can’t even type)
Snoooorrttt huah buah hauh

Kfindingmyway
Kfindingmyway
4 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

When I hear the song . OLD TOWN ROAD, This part is repeated many times
I’m gonna take my horse to the old town road. I hear
I’m gonna take my whores to the hotel room.

Deedee
Deedee
4 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

Its energy not it’s
Ugh

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
4 years ago

Keep it in the family. Date your wife’s cousin.

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
4 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

Or
I did not have sexual relations with that women.

Chumped and dumped
Chumped and dumped
4 years ago

My feelings were dead
But her love is true
‘Cause SHE likes it in the butthole
So she better than you!!

Chumptastic
Chumptastic
4 years ago

Roses are red,
Violets are blue
I need kinky sex
So I cheated on you.

But I’ll come back for cake.
Because I am entitled
Don’t care if that hurts you
Because I’m a man child.

BrenaMarie
BrenaMarie
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumptastic

OMG This is Fantastic! Soooooo true.

Still I Rise
Still I Rise
4 years ago

Find Your Why

For cheating, Why = Wife is old and flabby while OW is young and shiny/I deserve to be happy and I haven’t been happy for (insert ascending numbers such as 5, 10, 15…) years!

Elizabeth
Elizabeth
4 years ago

Don’t try to steer the river. – Deepak Chopra

Don’t try to steer the Cheater. Gain a life instead. – Chump

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago
Reply to  Elizabeth

LOOOOOOVE it!

Egans
Egans
4 years ago

Cheat, prey, dupe.

Wormfree
Wormfree
4 years ago

I couldn’t actually do better than the Worm himself, who always said variations of, “Live your life based on reality”.
While I was living the mindfuck, I thought that meant don’t live in a fantasy world.
Now I realize it was actually the other way around.
So for example when he said we needed to have a “reality based discussion”, he actually meant he was going to lie because the conversation would be based on reality, not actual reality.

Lucky
Lucky
4 years ago
Reply to  Wormfree

Along that line my Cheater once said “I need a lot of fantasy to live in reality”. One of the times he actually found some insight.

Wormfree
Wormfree
4 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Good God! ????????????

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

????

5 Years gone
5 Years gone
4 years ago
Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
4 years ago

Alls well that ends well (when you leave a cheater and gain a life).

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
4 years ago

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
So allow me: “You’re Sorry”

Healed
Healed
4 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

Love this one….

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
4 years ago

Be True to Yourself.
Lie to everyone else.

Chumped in Chicago
Chumped in Chicago
4 years ago

Chump Lady,

Can we get a “like” button for these type of posts.

Love it!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago

Great idea! I loved them all! having so much fun!

On-A-Tear
On-A-Tear
4 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Me too! I’m laughing out loud and scaring the cats.

MGV
MGV
4 years ago

Doggy Style
Like no one is watching.
Moan
Like the entire hotel can hear
Hate
Like you hate yourself
Die
As though your hell is here on Earth.

brit
brit
4 years ago
Reply to  MGV

These are all so funny and accurate.

Poconochump
Poconochump
4 years ago
Reply to  MGV

Lol. Scorched earth. ????????

Chumtastic
Chumtastic
4 years ago
Reply to  MGV

OMG these are cathartic

Madge
Madge
4 years ago

Horace: “I’m sorry I wasn’t my best self for you.”
Me: “…How many selves have you got?”

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago
Reply to  Madge

hehehehe.
Chump Nation is just toooo smart for these idiots

MADDR
MADDR
4 years ago

If at first you don’t succeed (at cheating on your spouse with your friends wife) try try again (with another friends wife who is as big of an a-hole as you are)

kb
kb
4 years ago

Original: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways….

Cheater Version: How do I love thee, thee, and thee? Let me recount the lies…

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago
Reply to  kb

Love love love : )

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago

Love is composed of a single man penetrating many bodies.

myachump
myachump
4 years ago

The AP is a Jesus cheater, I remembered that her go-to tagline was “Have faith”.

I think what she meant was “Me no have morals”.

kb
kb
4 years ago
Reply to  myachump

Or “Have faith for I plan to sin!”

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago

Love is the flower; you’ve got to let it grow. John Lennon
And cheaters are the manure that will make this so. Clearwaters

Geode
Geode
4 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

More John Lennon…I’m just sitting here watching your lies spin round and round. I really love to watch them grow. No longer riding on your merry go round, I just had to let you go.

Miss Movin’ On
Miss Movin’ On
4 years ago

If at first you don’t get caught, cheat & lie again!

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
4 years ago

Thanks CN for starting my morning with laughter!
Two of the dick’s favorites….
Work hard….Play hard
Things Change

Lie about working hard….Play with Cialis
Things change….because they need to be more about me

Ruggermom
Ruggermom
4 years ago

“Just friends” forever

Ummm sure.

Mitz
Mitz
4 years ago

Whose wife is this I think I know
Her house is in the village though

She soon will be my latest ho

No Virginia, there is no Unicorn.
No Virginia, there is no Unicorn.
4 years ago
Reply to  Mitz


But I have promises to break
Indulgent risks that I must take
And lies to tell because I’m fake

Mitz
Mitz
4 years ago

LOL, good!

Melissa Mellor
Melissa Mellor
4 years ago

If I tell myself it didn’t happen,
It never did.
If I said it didn’t happen,
Then that is the truth.
If I want her to believe it didn’t happen
I’ll tell her she needs to believe.
My word don’t speak of bit a truth,
But what I said is how it is.

chumpupthevolume
chumpupthevolume
4 years ago

We are not cheaters having a pleasurable extramarital experience. We are extramarital pleasurers having a cheating experience.

If you can imagine hitting that, yeah, you can probably hit that.

Don’t try to steer the penis. Let the penis steer you.

The only way you can fail is if you don’t try….to fuck strange.

EMC
EMC
4 years ago

????

Susan
Susan
4 years ago

This was easy. My cheater’s skank has a million of ‘em on her page. Her original: “G-d will always make a way for you. 1 COR 10:13”. My version: “Whores will always open their legs for you.” SHMOOPIE 2:28

weddingbelle
weddingbelle
4 years ago

Just fuck it

weddingbelle
weddingbelle
4 years ago
Reply to  weddingbelle

Or, just DO it

RoseThorns
RoseThorns
4 years ago
Reply to  weddingbelle

JUST DO IT … (then just lie about it)

Foolishchump
Foolishchump
4 years ago

It’s not cheating if it just happened.

Straight from fuckwit’s mouth: I wasn’t cheating, it was an accident that went too far.

EMC
EMC
4 years ago
Reply to  Foolishchump

Omg. SMH…???? That is, hands down, one of the stupidest and most laughable things I have ever heard.

donebeingahypotenuse
donebeingahypotenuse
4 years ago

These are all so good!!!!!

Cheaters gonna Cheat.

Flirt like your partner’s not watching.
Screw like no one gets hurt.
Lie like you don’t care about the truth.
Live like you’re the only one who matters.