My husband left “temporarily” two years ago after my teenagers confronted him about his chronic emotional and verbal abuse. After a weird few weeks, he started accepting he had a problem and swore he wanted to get back together. He also swore the woman he moved in with was a lesbian roommate. I’ll never be sure.
After 18 months living apart, but still dating and sleeping together, he finally had me convinced he was serious but when I held him accountable for some promises he made, suddenly he was ready to split. He never filed for divorce — but said as long as we are married with no separation agreement he didn’t have to support me financially. Scared, I got a lawyer and filed. We still had sex occasionally. He ran hot and cold for about 7 months, when I finally found he’d had a serious girlfriend for that whole time. He told my teenagers about her months ago and told them not to tell me. They had been anxious for months, not wanting to do his dirty work, not wanting to betray me.
I doubt Schmoops knows he was with me too all those months. He lied so convincingly to me. Now he’s playing victim because when he was running hot and cold I would send him long angry texts – repressed anger from 18 years of being a doormat. Has lectured me about boundaries for all these months because I didn’t stop sending him texts when he told me to. You know what crossing a boundary is? INFIDELITY.
Anyway, he was master of cake. I don’t want him. She’s welcome to him but also I want to tell her he was with me, because she probably got lied to as well. And I want to thank her for dating a married father of 6 and helping hurt my children. I want to tell her he was emotionally, verbally, financially abusive for years. She has three young kids, and he can’t even be responsible for his own. Nothing more heartbreaking than having a 19 year old young man tearfully apologize for not telling his mom that his dad has a girlfriend.
We were separated long enough that it almost seems strange to feel this betrayed but I do. He literally drove 13 hours to introduce her to his family in Quebec just two weeks after I filed for divorce. (The kids pieced that together from her Facebook posts. Gross.) He came right over to my house when he came back and was all over me. More gross.
He had honest options. Instead he blamed his lawyer for telling him not to tell me. Telling his kids and not me was much worse. Now they have to deal with Schmoops and be polite?? How fair is that?
I’m so angry and he’s acting like the victim here. I’m trying every day to get my own life back, but I feel like she invaded my life and I want to push the fuck back. Blow him in. About the overlap. The abuse. The money. The kids’ pain. I have no contact with Sparkleturd and have spent a lot of time and tears accepting that he sucks, that any attention I pay him will only serve to make him feel more important, that he has no empathy or remorse. But I’m also done done done being a doormat.
Dear Delayed Chump,
No, don’t tell the “lesbian roommate.” She’s well aware he’s a cheater. She won the pick-me dance, so let her have her fuckwit prize.
She’s not the problem here. (I’m not saying she’s a good person, she sucks.) She didn’t “invade” your life — your soon-to-be-ex-husband invited her into the Solid Gold Pick-Me Dance troupe. I promise she’s not the only Rockette. A guy who loves cake this perversely is a guy with a line-up.
You’ll notice he invited her to meet the extended family after you filed for divorce. He needs someone to star as Respectable Relationship Front. You — rightfully, sanely! — bowed out.
So let her have the overlap, abuse, and pain. No tag backs.
I’m more concerned about your children.
He told my teenagers about her months ago and told them not to tell me.
This is heinous. Making a child conspire against their chump parent, conspire in the abuse of that parent, it abuses them too. No one discusses this in the The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants Affairs Are Exuberant Acts of Defiance Infidelity Discourse.
Cheaters introduce children to affair partners all the time (and co-workers, and neighbors, and all sorts of people in the chump’s intimate circle) and press them into silence. And the mind-bending thing is that most people ACCEPT it!
We have to give children a break, because they are put in a horrific position. Now they have to carry the weight of Don’t Hurt Mommy! And they don’t have the agency to fight back. Children are dependent on their parents. They love their parents. This is such an epic mindfuck.
They had been anxious for months, not wanting to do his dirty work, not wanting to betray me.
Of course. And I wonder if when they confronted him on that “emotional abuse” before he moved out, if they didn’t know about the cheating then too?
I hate this guy for you.
I’m so angry and he’s acting like the victim here.
Well of course he is. You took away his cake.
I’m trying every day to get my own life back, but I feel like she invaded my life and I want to push the fuck back. Blow him in.
You know what will blow him in? Letting him enjoy all the natural consequences of his monstrous behavior. Stand BACK. Let the lawyers do their thing. Get a divorce settlement. Rock your new life. Let him lose the respect of his children. Let the arc of justice BEND. It’s a long arc.
If you wrote her, they’d both just get kibbles. The pick me dance would be restored. You think you’re saying “fuck off” but she’ll feel the centrality. Ooh, you care!
Seeing as he loves secrecy and all, why don’t you keep this little “overlap” secret from Schmoops? You’ve extracted yourself. Let that shit detonate from a distance.