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Soul Mates vs. Life Partner?

Hi Chump Lady,

I was hoping you might do a post on the whole love-of-my-life soulmate thing. I feel that a lot of us get caught up in that when our cheating spouse feels or says that.

I have read a lot on the whole soulmate thing and the general misinformation about the term. Soulmate is someone that comes into you life to either reflect back your faults or to teach you a lesson, they are never meant to be with you forever, they are there to teach us a lesson and then leave.

Life Partner is the goal. They are the one, that after you get all your lessons from your soulmates, you work towards and get real intimate soul love from.

Just a thought, but I am sure you have plenty of other stuff to write about. I get sort of triggered by the whole soulmate thing.

Cheers,

Sorryforeverything

Dear Sorryforeverything,

I don’t know what soulmate book you’re referencing, but I call malarky. Life partner is the “goal” after you get all your lessons from soulmates?

So soulmates are like that bad tattoo you regret? Or an immature friend you outgrew? Thrilling at the time, a bit mortifying now?

I mean, what a drag for the Life Partner consolation prize. Hey, I’m sorry you don’t get to teach me any lessons, just give me lots of soul love. Now pack my lunch.

Frankly, the whole Affair Partner As Spiritual Experience trope leaves me cold. “Soulmates” don’t just “come into your life.” If you’re having an affair, you welcomed this person into your life and conspired against another person to clandestinely fuck around. It’s not a yoga mountain retreat.

I object to the It Was All for a Greater Purpose mindfuck. The RIC is predicated on it. Thanks to infidelity our marriages will be STRONGER! Affair partners are not co-conspirators in abuse, they’re Life Lessons! All for the cheater’s greater spiritual journey!

That narrative is STILL narcissistic and pickled in cheater-centric entitlement. So what spiritual lesson is the chump getting? A higher plane of abandonment issues?

As for the term “soulmate” — there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s a term of endearment. You could say “kindred spirit” or “my boo.”

The problem is using “soulmate” as a justification for abusing others. Hey, I can walk out on 4 children because… SOULMATE. Nope, you can’t object because this relationship WAS ORDAINED BY THE HEAVENS. Do not argue with Zeus!

Do cheaters really feel their Schmoopies are their soulmates? I have no idea, but I think if you’re shallow enough to walk out on 4 children, you don’t feel much of anything at all. Your greatest bliss isn’t that deeper than your greatest sorrow. You’re a dim-witted turkey enchanted by shiny objects. And one soulmate is fascinating until a chrome bumper comes into view and you must peck that instead. I really don’t take “soulmate” seriously from people who are demonstrably soul-deficient.

Which is all very sad for the true concept of soulmates — a deep connected love, of shared values, of sacrifice, of intimacy. I believe in soulmates and life partners and I don’t think the two things are mutually exclusive.

Hijacking “soulmate” is just Orwellian mindfuckery. That’s my $.02.

Ask Chump Lady

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  • I would fix the heading typo Soul Mates as two words, but it would change the URL and that would fuck everything up. But I googled (it’s one word) and didn’t catch the error until I hit post. OF COURSE. Now I need more coffee…

    • I just googled soul-mate to see the definition and just so you know, Merriam-Webster has it as two words. So you’re title isn’t wrong according to them!

    • Hugs CL! It’s great just the way it is. Thanks for the good read…..I always love a great response filled with snark about a hijacked overused BS term that asshats use to justify their actions with cuss words thrown in the mix. It makes me laugh now which is such a good feeling (For years, I would cry and wonder why😒). I’ve been following you for years now and after doing a lot of work on myself, reading your blog, and regaining my power – I can finally accept they suck. Cheers to snark, Tuesday’s and cuss words!💗

      • “Soulmate” was a term used in the second sentence of the card my ex’s affair partner sent me one fine Wednesday afternoon. (Forever known as Dday and my new Annual Independence Day)

        ”Free2bme….you don’t know me, but I know We are soulmates….in love….he doesn’t love you he loves me…”

        Turns out Schmoopie wrote to me to speed up the process for Cheater who was telling her I would not “release him”. I was in the dark until her letter, but I catapulted him the next day.

        Ultimately if she was his soulmate- she was one of 13 others that he named in discovery. (Surprise I learned of additional ones he forgot about😉)

        She and he are bottom dwellers who destroy in the name of Tru Wuv which is completely unlike true love.

        Cheaters are incapable of being a soulmate or life partner. I agree with CL- they are not mutually exclusive terms. Soulmate is a term they use to deny premeditated deception and cheating as if they were innocent to a force greater than us all. The Universe will not be denied! Blame the universe- not me!

        I prefer to think of it as Sole Mate: a decision to love one partner for life and stop looking for the universe to offer shiny new options.

        • I love this post. Upvote! Thank you.

          I would say, simply that many or most cheaters lack souls, hence the concept of “soulmate” does not apply. (Not in any theological sense, of course)

        • You’re 1000% correct! You can’t have a “soulmate” if you don’t first have a soul.

          🏆Congrats on your wonderful new cheater-free life! 🏆

    • Here is a virtual cup of my finest brew! You saw the error, realized it wasn’t worth fixing and moved on. Damn, if that isn’t an analogy for leaving a cheater!! If somebody wants to quibble over grammatical error send them my way. We will diagram sentences and drink the rest of the virtual brew.

    • Soul-Fakes, I would say.
      Mine was in that category. He did not walk out on 4 children. Just one. I hate his shallow fake self all the same for it.

      P.s. actually, he did not technically walk out, I kicked him put but after so much crying and trying to understand why and even reconcile. And so many wasted hours and efforts trying to understand that mystery of soul mates he was feeding me…Smh!

  • In my experience, shallow people who are pretending to be deep and spiritual tend to refer to the equally vapid person person they’re currently using as a pincushion (or pin) as their soulmate. Skanks must have their pretensions.

    • Thank you for the clever phrase “pin cushion (or pin).” I’ll be laughing about that for a while……

    • “Do you believe in soul mates?” Question asked of me by married guy wanting into my pants, claiming to be in love and offering to leave his wife. He and wife both friends with me and my then-BF, we’d had Thanksgiving at their house! I was stunned! Nope, nope, nope!

      But I didn’t tell anyone. Should have, I guess.

      (Now recovering from non-marital relationship where I pick-me danced for almost 30-years…pathetic. Not exactly CN target audience but immensely grateful for inights.)

      • CED, I’m also not married, and I had a similar experience with a married man I got to know a few years ago. (I’m friends with his wife and some of their friends, too, but I knew him first, from a team we were both on.) So I thought we were pals of the “let’s get coffee” sort, but then he ambushed me with this “I feel like we are soul-mates so let’s get together” crap. Totally out of the blue, and it felt like a kick in the gut to me: yeah, betrayal is *such* a good way to move a casual friendship forward. Moron. I shut it down but didn’t make any scenes, and now I’m keeping my distance and making sure that I never run into this guy without other people around. The whole things just pisses me off. It shouldn’t be MY problem to worry about, and I don’t have a huge circle of friends to begin with, so it hurts. Again, not quite the target audience, but I’ve been lurking around CN for a couple of months, and it helps. So thanks, y’all.

        • So to me this is a great example of the bullshit cheating married dudes will pull on women they want to have affairs with. You being a normal human thought ya’ll were coworkers of the “let’s grab coffee” type. So he comes out of left field and is telling you you’re his soulmate?!?!

          It really puts OW in perspective, that someone out there would fall for that shit.

          • It happens all the time… I saw the interest from my h’s co- worker ( I’m friends with him and his wife wtf?), from his cousins(!), etc.
            I was never rude…. bringing the spouse to the conversation ( before I knew about my h’s likes for any willing pussy, free or paid) works for some… asking about their wives shuts down the whole bs quickly…
            The joke is on me though…, while I was trying to do the right thing, my h was screwing everyone from the day we decided to be “a thing”….

  • Sinister minister had an affair (with female pastor 15 years younger) and then left me and our four daughters, saying that he didn’t think we could connect at the “soul level”
    What kind of mindfuckery is that?!?

    • Now that we’re free of the narc exes, we can look forward to relationships that are grounded in reality. The thrill of attraction, the fun of dating, the less fun navigating of busy lives, open and honest communication.

      I don’t need a soulmate. But I have someone who will come help me with my dead car battery on the second coldest day of 2019-after we’d only gone on two dates!

      • Kmanning,
        I wish that I were as optimistic as you. Since my last partner left 2.5 years ago to marry his work subordinate, I have had virtually no dates. Virtually all the dates I have had are awful, with guys who behave very badly. (The professor I went out with last week mimicked everything I said the whole evening. I think that he may be autistic. Others ghost me in the middle of a conversation, let me know that they have long-distance girlfriends and I can worship them (the guys) and have some of their time while their girlfriends are out of town, are addicted to or recovering from addiction to something or other. The list goes on. Feels like ‘So many jerks, so little time.’) The last five years, outside of the time I was deluding myself that my last partner (fake friend who I loved and wanted to marry) loved me or at least respected me, I have felt as though my extended family and I have been in a nightmare. (Deaths, disabilities, and divorce in the family have not helped.) I am now ‘self-medicating’ with mostly low-paid jibsthat will not lead to advancement. Many of the people I work with have suffered severe poverty. Most of the people I work with are mostly nice people, so I am thankful in some ways. In my fifties, I feel no hope of ever feeling happy again. Trying to just work as much as I can to help decrease my rumination and increase well-being of my kids. I don’t like being on welfare for years in spite of simultaneously holding a few (fairly stressful) jobs. I’ve applied for hundreds of jobs the last year but have not secured any ‘solid’ family-sustaining employment. I struggled to find work for most of the last several years. Frankly, I am exhausted of living. There seems to be no reprieve, no breaks, and no money for anything ‘recreational.’

        • RockStarWife,

          I am so sorry that you are struggling. I wish there was a built in period of recovery post divorce-I also felt like I had no time to think, just do. I’d been a SAHM, and had only a part-time job when divorce was finalized.

          I find comfort in the camaraderie here, and trust me, there are day when find it hard to feel mighty.

          Wishing you a good day today. I admire your honesty!

      • Yes, someone who is willing to lend a hand, provide some companionship, and a lets see where this takes us open attitude. Getting serious too quickly is a turn off red flag.

    • Really the only appropriate response to that is rolling on the floor laughter. That these schmucks can make such pronouncements in deep sincerity show exactly how sincerely stupid they actually are.

    • That’s technically true. You have a soul, and a conscience, and where theirs should have been, there is a huge black hole of nothingness. If you stand too close to it, it will engulf you with its darkness. Congratulations on your escape!

      • Yep. The reply to “I don’t think we can connect at the “soul level”” should have been, “Yes. You’re right. I have a soul and you don’t.”

  • I think the soulmate excuse is just bull. My ex never called skankella his soulmate. His excuse was she liked to have fun and never complained and was happy all the time. Na, she was a skank that liked to screw her cousin’s husband. Now there is a happy fun person. I guess you could have called her his soulmate. Their souls were the same. They both got off on sneaking around and ruining lives. So in a sense they were soulmates.
    I have come to realize that cheaters and those they cheat with are damaged souls.

  • Soulmate is tarted-up pretentious shorthand for “fuck off spouse” when thought or uttered by a Cheater or their AP.

  • Soul mates
    You don’t meet your soulmate by cheating on your chump. dumping your kids, to be with your special one, the kids are supposed to compete with ow. The ow
    agrees with everything cheater says. My ex’s ow wasn’t entitled to a opinion, he used to tell her to shut up all the time, I used to speak to him on phone and she would but in the conversation and he would tell her to shut up, this was when we used to live together, we split up nearly 7 years ago.
    I saw her at the bus stop last year, she called me a human splinter, I went no contact, but, should have said your a alcoholic, drug addicted, pos who dumped her kids.
    For a fool who is my ex.

  • “I really don’t take “soulmate” seriously from people who are demonstrably soul-deficient.”

    This! The more healing we do, the more clarity we gain, and we can see the BS for what it is…..These people are selfish, shallow, opportunistic, and inconsiderate. They cheat and lie because they want to, because the only thing that matters is their happiness. That’s not a soul, that’s a black hole.

  • “The problem is using “soulmate” as a justification for abusing others.”

    As usual, Chump Lady always gets the best angle and the clearest view of the facts to get chumps to better understand the dynamics of human relations that result in cheating. And in so many other problems.

    Classic UBT.

    ‘First get your facts right. Then you can twist them all you want’. Mark Twain

  • Figured out my X pined for his old GF the whole 20 years we were married, that is why he screwed lots of strange women in the meantime, until that fateful day when he met up with her again on facebook. They both were married. They both aren’t married now. Neither are they together.

    One of his stupid excuses for this flame thrower to our union was that he “just needed to know if he still loved her.” Thus he had to sneak out and take a week long cruise with her right before our 20th anniversary. He did me a big favor as there was no way in hell we were coming back from that one!

    • Uggghhhhh hate those cheaters
      I hope that in addition to losing a beautiful 20 year relationship, he had a good case of Norovirus on the cruise ship
      Sorry this happened to you. ❤️

      • Still waiting for Karma to hit him, but I have a great life on my own and don’t miss all the crazy drama, so meh!

  • I’ve never heard the term soul-mate defined as someone meant only to teach us lessons. I know there are people throughout our lives who are meant to do just that, but for me, a soul-mate is someone who is supposed to be connected to another person on such a deep level that when they meet, it will feel as if they’ve known each other their entire lives, and the experience of being together will resonate with an intensity not felt with others.

    Since I’ve been dating again, I’ve commented to friends, how we are (typically) restricted to dating those around us. Most people, myself included, don’t want to even attempt to do long-distance dating, so even with online dating, where we can reach more people, we’re still pretty much restricted to a specific geographical location.

    I joke with people that maybe my soul-mate lives in Ireland, and one friend responded that that statement makes no sense. Because a soul-mate is someone who is destined to enter your life.

    Which is a nice thought…but he’d better hurry up and head my way because the clock is ticking! LOL

    • That reminds me of a Joke.
      A woman was pulled over for speeding by a policeman who had been sitting on a lonely country road waiting to fill his quota. He strolled up and said to the lady, “I’ve been waiting for you all day”
      In reply the woman said, “Officer, I got here as fast as I could”

      The point being, they are on their way and getting here as fast as they can.

    • My mother would say, “Don’t worry there’s a man out there for you!….Unfortunately he lives in Bangladesh with his wife and 10 children..” Yes, Mom has a twisted sense of humor.

    • “but for me, a soul-mate is someone who is supposed to be connected to another person on such a deep level that when they meet, it will feel as if they’ve known each other their entire lives, and the experience of being together will resonate with an intensity not felt with others.”

      Just going to jump in here with some slightly scary news:

      If you grew up with a lot of dysfunction and sparkly people, then disordered people are going to feel very special and wonderful to you when you meet them.

      And also very familiar, as if you’ve known them a long time.

      All my cheaters felt very special and splendid and intense and marvellous to me.

      I have learnt since then to see the sparkles and strong attractions as gigantic red flags that I am in the presence of a disordered person.

      Real love and real connection take time, patience, experience, forgiveness, and receprocity. The sparkly stuff has a very short shelf life.

      • I absolutely second this. I’ve learned that the right response to that immediate, attractive and familiar feeling is get as far, far away as possible! It’s a HUGE red flag now!

        • The article about love vs lust explains that beautifuly😂
          Lust: u want to be together, you can’t wait to see each other, you have fun, you feel strong connection quickly etc
          Love: it needs time, you care about well being if your partner, mind /care before sex etc.

          It’s like a Mcdonalds vs home made meal…
          You want #1 when u are hungry, but long term it will make you sick.
          #2 can be as exciting as you make it.. long term- the best option

      • Ex narcopath felt like “home” to me.

        After I was in therapy, my therapist asked me to do time lines of my significant romantic relationships (all dysfunctional), and they had A LOT of similarities. Same time lines, similar red flags, etc….

        Then she tasked me in to examining my relationship with my dad and what he was like.

        Ex narcopath was exactly like my dad, just minus the scary rage, he was more passive aggressive.

        One moment stands out in my mind. Sitting by the pool with my father, in absolute despair over 5th final dday with ex narcopath, my father states he thinks I’m leading ex narcopath on by continually going back to him and that he almost feels sorry for him. Then he looks me in the eye and says I need therapy to examine why I am “ripe pickings for a psychopath….” stunned, I remember looking at my dad thinking “because of YOU”….

        I am currently 2 years no contact with dad, brother and ex narcopath. The peace is beautiful.

      • Agreed Lola. I “felt” the soulmate connection during the first few weeks of dating and married him a year later. The next year I found out he was a pathological liar with a penchant for prostitutes, financial fraud and physical abuse. A skilled love bomber can create the illusion of a soul connection in those early moments.

        • My therapist had me assess my first husband and my father when I was only focusing on the worst, my second husband. I came to realize all were on the cluster B spectrum. One is dead. One is total no contact. One is minimal contact until our last child graduates.

      • Lola,
        I get what you are saying, but some people who DO have healthy relationships with their spouses were mesmerized by them from the beginning and are still going strong many years later. (It seems as though some of my ex-boyfriends who left me for other women are still madly in love with their wives and have great lives.) So maybe feeling very attracted to someone (who is unattached) is NOT a sign to run away.

        • RSW, I don’t usually disagree with you, but this time I’m going to.

          You have no idea what’s really going on in those relationships. No idea at all. All you see is minimal surface ripples and (I would guess) image management. You have no idea if it’s genuinely healthy or completely fucked up.

          Everyone here at Chump Nation has had that feeling, especially when we’re doing it tough – and you are definitely doing it tough right now. It always makes the ex’s lives look terrific.

          Don’t believe it. No one can read minds, and no one has the real skinny on the relationship unless they’re actually in it.

          Every real relationship has ups and downs, good days and bad days. ‘Going strong’ means a lot of different things.

          Some relationship only keep ‘going strong’ because each partner has made other arrangements.

          Sometimes they are ‘going strong’ because one partner is a doormat who swallows the infidelity or the porn or the drugs or the drinking or the constant absences.

          There’s a lot of one-upmanship in the relationship world, especially when things are going badly inside the veneer of splendidness.

          This is where gaining a life is essential, so that you stop caring about other people’s Potemkin Villages.

          (A friend of mine said this to me: she said she thought Facebook should have a relationship status called ‘Potemkin Village’. I would love a whole post on this, actually – Potemkin Villages We Have Known/Seen)

  • I must be making progress because I now laugh when I think of the note to her that I found, calling her his “Sole Mate”.

    Yep. A pair of heels. I couldn’t agree more.

    Of course I bought every book on infidelity on Amazon. Out of all those books, ONE LINE, from the Shirley Glass book, “Not Just Friends”, struck me like a 2 x 4. Ironically, and strangely, it was in the chapter to the AFFAIR PARTNER. (?!!)

    “A man with a history of infidelity is a poor choice for a life partner.”

    SO WHY AM I BUYING YOUR BOOK TO TRY TO FIX THIS S**T?!!!!

    Relationships are CREATED. Feelings follow ACTIONS. Bonding hormones (oxytocin) are released by sex. When I act on attraction by talking with, spending time with, romancing with, paying attention to, having sex with, I could have a LOT of “soulmates” out of the trillion people on the planet. With the help of a smartphone and dating apps, I could have a fresh “soulmate” once a week.

    Marriage, soulmates, life partners, to me, are about COMMITMENT. To forsake all others. To go through tough stuff with. To be loyal to. Trust, safety, security. That’s the evidence of a soul. Qualities totally lacking in affairs and the people who get involved in them.

    I have a beautiful cat. When I adopt my animals, I make a lifetime commitment to them. I see a lot of other beautiful amazing animals that I would love to have in my life. I would never in a million years abandon my cat for another cat. (Ever notice how animals and babies get jealous and hurt when a new animal or baby shows up? I do think living creatures are wired for loyalty….)

    Lastly, in order to be a soulmate you have to have a soul. He not only abandoned me but he ghosted his own daughter. That to me is proof positive that he doesn’t have one.

    • I have a two-inch scar on my forehead from when my orange tabby swatted me the first time
      he was present while I was holding my newborn daughter. I reassured him that he was still my soulmate and they could BOTH be my soulmates and there was no conflict because she was human and he was a cat…..

    • I took the dog & a cat while cat-lover Ex took the other two cats. Ex attempted to “guilt” me into taking his two cats (HoWorker has four dogs) by saying he would have to take them to the pound otherwise. First time I realized how much he had manipulated me throughout the marriage because I always had said yes. Glad I said no, but sad I learned through the kids’ that Ex blame shifted to his landlord (pathetically couldn’t manage to get an apartment that allowed cats) and they ended up on a “farm” over an hour away. I can imagine the elaborate explanation, probably with a few tears. All the while, my pets have been my lifesaver.

      Not sure if the kids have figured that one out…….

      • Oh, for fuck’s sake, soulmate. Gag me. Same with this twin flames bullshit. These moronic infants are word salad skewers, too.

    • “In order to be soulmates, you must first have a soul…” Stealing this. I’ve always looked back upon the furtive missives between Cheater o’Mine and Miss Plastic Parts where they referred to one another as ‘soulmates’ as being exactly right–whatever soul they might have IS as self-absorbed and self-involved as the other’s. But I like this, too.

    • Every time I read how your wasband referred to his ow as his “sole mate” I think of the reasoning Christian Louboutin gave for choosing red soles as the distinguishing characteristic for his shoes. Red soles as a “come hither” green light for men. Like the red light district in Amsterdam. OW are whores.

  • Thanks CL, it is a trigger for me. When I discovered my partner was cheating on me with a married man one of the texts I read to her step brother was that ” I can’t image my life without him, he is the love of my life and my soulmate.” She was texting all this while I was asleep in the other room.

    I just feel lots of us landing post Dday tend to hear it quite a bit and just wanted CL’s take on it.

    She left me for him and is now living in Colorado as his mistress.

    • Sorryforeverything, it is something they all say.
      I take a lot of comfort from that fact. They don’t do or say ANYTHING original or special or unique. Cheating is a formula that they can plug any warm and willing (soulless) body into.

      After mine convinced the cheating accomplice to move here and set up their Barbie Dream apartment, he was caught on Tinder and still going to the illicit massage parlors featuring his fantasy racial demographic….the very same fantasy racial demographic as the cheating accomplice…..

      When you stay here and read all the similarities, you will see their Cosmic Connection as the Cosmic Joke that it is.

      • Amen! You posted this while I was typing my similar post below.

        You know, they have every acting awards show under the sun each year, this is just another well worn version of it. We should have an annual Cheater trope award each year. Present the winner with a gold plated shit sandwich!

      • VH my cosmic cheater joke for the day is – Dr Narc sent AP patient a Valentines Day present today. It is the same thing he gave me for Christmas one year!!

        Without CL I really wouldn’t have believed that he would try to use the same manipulations, same restaurants, same presents he did with me.

        Thanks for keeping me sane with your honesty CN xx

    • Your user name bothers me; at first I thought you were the cheater but this comment indicates you’re the chump?

      What do you need to be sorry for… you couldn’t stop a cheating whore from running off to be a scumbag’s full-time sidepiece?!

      If that’s the case, your name should be Thankful-She-Saved-Me-The-Effort-Of-Kicking-Her-Out!

      • my handle is from the second to last text I got from here, “for what it’s worth, I am sorry for everything”

  • When my bestie’s ex left her for his OW (aka mom of their daughter’s 1st grade classmate – gag) both cheaters explained to her that they are Twin Flames and cannot fight the universe’s divine plan for them any longer.

    10 years later they are divorced (from each other) late 40 somethings with a couple DV charges each working in hookah lounge and hating each other’s dumb guts. 😂🔥🔥

    • If they’re both miserable, both feeling the same (hate for each other) then they’re indeed soul mates. One heart in two bodies.

  • We don’t get to define what vague idiomatic words and phrases mean for others, no matter how much we read about it.

    It is risky to assume that another person’s use of a vague idiomatic word or phrase means to the other person without a clear and open conversation about it. And even then, agreements with liars are generally not observed by liars, so we must clearly consider the source.

    In short, no matter what lingo a person uses to describe another, the nature of the basis of the relationship is equal to the veracity and honesty of the people in the relationship plus the agreements those people have made together when both have all the relevant information for the decisions they are making.

    If someone said “You’re my soulmate”, my first question would be “what does soulmate mean to you?”

    • Amiisfree,
      I liked what you wrote:
      “ We don’t get to define what vague idiomatic words and phrases mean for others, no matter how much we read about it.”

      THIS was written by the OW while promoting her self-publish novel (couldn’t get a reall publisher I guess):
      “Calling him “my boyfriend” sounds like we are 14 years old. Calling him “my partner” doesn’t really paint an appropriate picture of our earth-moving, heartbeat skipping, weak-at-the-knees romance. For now, let’s go with the Man of My Dreams (MoMD), shall we?”

      Or shall we just puke? 🤮

  • “I really don’t take “soulmate” seriously from people who are demonstrably soul-deficient.” And this is the quote of the day for anyone with wavering resolve.

  • I laugh now at the thought of any cheater using such terms. My cheater used them with me, until she started using them with her next “soulmate”.

    Early in my path to becoming mighty, I made a few missteps, including pain shopping, by way of looking at social media posts by the ex. (Have no fear, I have long since blocked her on all social apps.) It was stupid and painful at the time, but as I think back at the things I saw posted, I get a perverse enjoyment to think how much disappointment both will ultimately find.

    Follow my logic, all of us have seen how cheaters follow the same playbook and script with us chumps. “I love you , but I am not in love with you anymore.”, “I have been unhappy for (fill in timeframe), I need to be with Schmoopie to find myself again, we have a bond!”. The usual cheater trope.

    So do we really think they come up with any new material with the new soulmate. “You complete me, you are the One for me”, “I never knew love like this was possible”, “You are my Best Friend and Soulmate, and will love you forever!”. Lmao! These are a few examples of things posted, expressing their “unique” love. I will be damned if I didn’t have the same things said and proclaimed about me so long ago. Good luck with that, Schmoopie!

    Imagine having to face each day, asking on some level down deep, if every utterance by their new unicorn is complete and utter bullshit! It has to be exhausting, and I hope it is driving them bat shit crazy.

    • Same, Mst3kfan. SAME.

      Sentimental fool that I am (was) I had kept all the love notes and cards saying all the soulmate rubbish including such hits as: “you are the love of my life”, “you make me so very happy”, blah blah blah. Objective proof of his love, commitment, and family values? Nope. All utter bull.

      Then came the standard cheater lines of I love you but… All after knowing each other for 20 years, married for a decade, and a kid. We all know the drill.

      Fifty year old cheaters new soulmate? A married polyamourous 30 year old with 3 running boyfriends at a time, that dumped his arse down grading him from a steady “boyfriend” in her rotation of men to a once and a while booty call. But she did write about how she “valued” there time together and the story they built in her life’s journey”. 🤢 Blech

      Where are the real people? Anyone with authenticity out there?

  • Mine posted…..and I quote “Im so lucky he loves me”……LOL.

    Then she told my sister 6 months after they were married that during their marriage ceremony she was thinking to herself…..and I quote…”Its not a permanent as a tattoo”

    They are completely nuts!

  • Malarkey, that’s putting it nicely. CL called in the first sentence. Thx.

    I have another question perhaps CN and/or CL can help me with. I started to listen to book called “Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder” by Dennis C. Ortman Ph.D (of course). Is this book just RIC material?

    • Jeff, I never read this book, but checked out the reviews on Amazon. It looks like a chump has already read it and reviewed it. It sounds like another book that’s going to put the blame of the cheating on you. However I do agree that you can get PTSD from being cheated on. I’m not sure if the book will help with that.

      “When you have been betrayed it is like a boulder rolling off a mountain right onto you. You need to be loved and nurtured back to health. You need to hear it was unjust. When your legs are smashed you need support to walk again. You need kindness, gentleness and to be held through it. The shock, the despair all of it. What you DO NOT NEED is to hear people tell you as they pull you out from the boulder of what YOU DID before that moment to CAUSE you being crushed under the boulder. Sometimes there are people doing the right thing walking along and a boulder crushes them. The boulder did not come upon them because their parents neglected them or because they are a codependent or because they were needy. Sometimes a BAD and evil being pushes that boulder onto you. Just sometimes it is unjust.

      I had a good childhood. I am not codependent. While I am not perfect and you say the act of infidelity is not my fault. This book says while the act is not..everything that made the act possible is your fault and oh.. your parents.

      Sometimes… the chump really just got chumped.

      Compassion for your cheater will heal you. Well maybe knowing it was unjust and you did everything you were supposed to and loved without condition is healing. You got screwed. Period. Loving with all your heart DOES not make you codependent or have bad parents.

      I hear what this book and everyone else is saying BUT I am two years out from Dday and the boulder keeps getting put back on top of me from people just like the author of this book.

      I suggest reading.. Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life and joining Chumplady’s website. I suggest reading.. Bounderies..when to say yes and when to say no. After which you will say HELL NO to this book and all like them.”

      But if you are the cheater, you will like this book because surely it was your Chump’s fault or her parents.
      Read less
      69 people found this helpful

    • Try Healing From Hidden Abuse. Zero bullshit victim blaming, and a good guide to how the kind of manipulations cheaters use can appear throughout our lives.

      https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Hidden-Abuse-Recovery-Psychological-ebook/dp/B01JR4ST9S/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

      There’s an audio version available. Listening to it in the car on my way to work during the darkest days was really helpful.

      Caveat: there is some advice on how to cope with narcissists who are still in your life. That can be usefully ignored in favor of the advice in How to do No Contact Like a Boss, which is billed as a book for women, but excellent for anyone focused on extricating themselves from abusive relationships. (And, yes, cheating is abuse. It’s that difficult, and that simple.)

      https://www.amazon.com/How-Contact-Like-Boss-Relationships-ebook/dp/B00RM9QV9Q

  • Things said to me countless times over the course of 23 years:

    “You are my soulmate.”

    “You are the woman of my dreams.”

    “You are the perfect woman for me.”

    “You are the love of my life.”

    “You are my best friend.”

    After telling me he loved me, “you are my soulmate” was the next thing up. He was the only person in my life that ever said something like that to me. We had a great connection and I thought he meant it. I thought “soulmate” was a real thing. I now see that term as a red flag. At least to me it’s a red flag. I see it as yet another way he manipulated me to get me to do what he wanted and be of use to him.

    THE DAY BEFORE I caught him out on a date with a newly divorced whore, he met me at home to have a talk about why he was acting differently. He again said I was his best friend, love of his life and the perfect woman for him. He accused me of “pulling away” from him. The truth was he was pulling away from me and planning yet another affair. He uses his words to manipulate people. Not just me, but others. He tried to put me back in my place and reassure me that everything was okay with all the lines I fell for in the past.

    Knowledge is power. I’m no longer naive like I used to be. I’m more in tune and realize faster when someone is trying to manipulate me. It’s a handy skill that comes in use almost every single day! Thanks for all the wisdom, Chump Lady and Chump Nation!!

    • Wow. So many of our stories are similar.

      The Python said something about my being his best friend the day before he went on a date with a waitress from his favorite lunch restaurant. He of course lied and said he was out with some guys. But he left his phone gps tracker on and I watched him drive to her house. Busted.

      I agree – that sweet talk is designed to get us feeling warm and fuzzy so we’re less able to attend to suspicious vibes (red flags).

      • Yes, our stories are very similar and mine is known as just “Snake”. lol. My relative named him. 🙂 My snake said he was out on a very important dinner meeting with executives from NYC. Half correct. The dinner ended around 9:00 and then he hooked up with his whore at a bar; all planned by him the day before when he was sweet talking me. He even texted me from the bar and said, “I’m so sorry it’s so late. I really feel I need to be here.” Long story short, but the only reason I found out is because I called the place he said he was at and they closed at 11:00. He didn’t get home until 1:30. Busted. He deserves a whore that dates married men. Water always finds it level and he’s with someone with the same character, morals and values as him. They deserve each other. He never deserved me!

          • I’ve deliberately not told my two sons about their father’s infidelity, yet the youngest, now 18 years old, calls him the silk-tongued snake!! How did I need spot the sneaky serpent!

          • Yes, they are. Never in a thousand years would “snake” enter my vocabulary to describe someone, but my relative said to his face that he was a snake. It stuck and I believe it to be true. Once you see them for the snake they are you cannot unsee it.

  • The whole soul mate thing is in my mind goofy. Really , the earth stars wind and rain forming in a volcano expel dainty love pixies to “complete “us. Bullshit ! Another vile attempt to rationalize shit behavior and selfish choices . I don’t need a voodoo partner I need a best friend . Someone to hold walk hand in hand with to care for each other in return to have each others back to share in an honest and dignified way a true life partnership . I’m too damaged and sometimes broken beyond repair for certain things to get suckered into the teenaged view of adult relationships . Honor respect commitment courage faithfulness that’s what feeds and nurtures the soul

    • Ah! Cheater Elizabeth Gilbert! From Eat, Pray, Gag! A book I loved initially and threw into the recycling bin after learning she is a cheater.

      But I do think she nailed the cheater definition of a soul mate…..

      “Like looking in a mirror….”

      Exactly. Like Narcissus gazing adoringly into the pond at his reflection.

      My therapist, who knows the traitor well because she was formerly our family therapist, told me “he is so codependent you may never have been compatible.” I believe this. And in the infamous
      “Sole Mate” note, he was gushing about how he
      “had come to love the ways of her culture”. (She is from China). I laughed out loud. What a manipulative fake two-faced SOB. He was partnered to an Asian culture lover and art collector (me) for 20 years. I had to drag him to the Chinese New Year parade in San Francisco every year. He crabbed about me donating to the Asian Art Museum, which he never set foot in.
      Angry about money spent on Asian art and textiles
      (In an ironic twist, the mediator thinks this is cool; he said as much when the topic came up during a discussion on assets….). The local newspaper did a story on my Japanese kimono and textile collection. The traitor was angry about it.

      I remember an argument near the end where I called him ‘phony’ for the first and only time. I had no idea at the time how spot on I was.

      Take heart, Chump Nation. There is no honor among thieves.

      • Just before my cheating soon to be Ex was caught out he proclaimed “I’m in danger of becoming a selfish narcissist “. I said nothing but thought to myself “no, that’s who you are”! The following day I put my ear to a door and listened to my 56 year old husband of 25 years tell his girlfriend of 18 months that he loved her, having spent the previous night with me acting the lead role in a seriously bad porn movie! You couldn’t make it up! He was pleading with the poor duped fool to “give him the space to sort out this mess” having led her to believe he was divorced!! He recently shared his black soul by telling me that “it” (his relationship of 18 months – mainly holidays as she lives in a different continent) mightn’t last “but there are plenty of women out there”! He has no soul!!

  • Ex’s Affair Partner Said “we are soul-mates, he’s the love of my life” what she didn’t realize is he only loves himself ! Affair partner lasted 8 months after divorce finalized and only 2 years total because she thought she had a prize to win (sparkly turd). Guess she figured out he only loves himself. Less than 3 months later he’s moved on to woman #2. Wonder how long till she figures it out? LOL We’ve only been divorced slightly over 1 year. These fuckwits don’t even know what love is.

  • I saw this once, and I’ve posted it here before, but I can’t find it. It was a meme that something to the effect of, “When seeking your soulmate, beware the content of your soul.” (Hahaha, that is, if you have one.) And I took it to mean, y’know, if you’re a piece of shit who gets off on fucking around on your family and lying about it, and you’ve found your soulmate, well–’nuff said. Y’all deserve each other.

    And they do.

    Meh comes. On a Tuesday.

    Always remember what I learned here, because it’s true: They Never Trade Up. You can count on that, even if it’s not totally apparent right away.

    • I wish that I believed that my exes never traded up; but I think that they did, even though in most cases, for years, I tried very hard to be a very good person and very good partner. (Not all my exes cheated on me. A lot of them officially left a few minutes before they started dating their now wives.) I really miss having a partner (I love) who loves me back.

      • The Lola Doctrine is: CHEATERS never trade up.

        Exes can do what they like; you have to release them into the wild, because they’re not yours any more.

        But I guarantee you that cheaters never trade up.

        • Hi Lola,
          I understand your Doctrine. I do not have a choice regarding ‘releasing my ex into the wild.’ He left. I am not blaming you, but I wish that you had not said that ‘he’s not mine anymore,’ regarding my last partner (not that he ever truly felt like my partner. I don’t think that I EVER meant anything more than a temporary disposable object not valuable object to him). I don’t think that you meant to be hurtful, but being reminded that I was abandoned and can’t do anything about is a bit like rubbing salt in a chronic very painful wound. What you said also leaves the possibility that those partners that leave us but didn’t cheat on us might truly have traded up, which really pains me as I have been dumped many times, always the Dumpee, never the Dumper nor the WINNER of a happy, healthy romantic relationship. The only guy I have ever dumped who did not cheat on me was a sex addict (had had sex with over a hundred prostitutes).

  • It’s just semantics. The bottom line is he/she cheated on you and their justifying that with fancy other worldly crap they can come up with. They suck! “ Get yourself free” (Simon) hugs.

  • My ex-wife described her affair as her “last chance to find ‘true love’ “. This after 30+ years together and having raised 6 kids. I thought what we had together WAS ‘true love’. It was for me at least. I truly loved her, was committed, connected and cherished her. From my perspective, our life together was getting sweeter as the years rolled by. The kids growing up, graduating college, getting married followed by grand-kids. Just when could have been enjoying all we had built together over the decades, she just decided to check out and pursue her teenage soulmate fantasy. So senseless and tragic.

    • I hope you’re at Meh. If not, take heart because you will arrive eventually and realize that she did you a favor when she found her ‘soulmate’. It is senseless and it is tragic. If you’re like me, you were just getting to the point where you could now go have fun traveling, taking a cruise, etc., but without the responsibility of kids. And if you’re like me, to hear that she’s out doing those things with someone else after you waited for years for these days to arrive is a HUGE kick in the pants. It was devastating to my ego. But 5 years later I am very happy I’m not doing those things with the dick, but you know, he always made things a struggle, or he was always disappointed in something or other when we were doing things together, and that’s when I could pull him away from whatever was so important. Now I do things with my friends, or siblings, or cousins, etc. And I’m having a ball! No one is being condescending or critical because I just didn’t plan well enough, or whatever. Have faith if you’re not at Meh yet. It’s wonderful when you reach it.

      • I wish that I believed that my exes never traded up; but I think that they did, even though in most cases, for years, I tried very hard to be a very good person and very good partner. (Not all my exes cheated on me. A lot of them officially left a few minutes before they started dating their now wives.) I really miss having a partner (I love) who loves me back.

        Amazon Chump, Glad you are doing well and have reached Meh. But it seems as though some of us will never get there. Some people die missing the partners who abandoned them years earlier. Especially for us older women, we may never find a (decent) long-term partner as in our cohort there are fewer men than women and the men, especially the decent single ones, generally want and can get much younger partners. I have not enjoyed the lack of a decent, loving partner and don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I am looking forward to my life ending once my paperwork is in order and I have ensured that my kids will be all right (financially secure).

    • Sounds like my story. I was very happy and content to enjoy what we had built. I was looking forward to being an empty nester. She ran off the same month our kids went off to college because “she never got to fuck other guys when she was young”. So now shes a pathetic 50-something teenage slut and STILL not happy. FML.

      • 50 something teenage slut. That is sad. And I know so many people who think that’s an ideal to work toward….

        I guess I should be thankful for my “teenage slut” phase in college, it showed me I was missing Nothing. I definitely wouldn’t want to do it again.

    • ChumpedDad,
      Wow, I think you wrote the male-version of my story, lol. My very-soon-to-be exH told me he needed to “start fresh” last May after 34 years of marriage. This was, of course, 2 months before I found out about the OW grapefruit-picking, tortilla flipping whore that he fell “in love with” in 2 months while he was away in another state taking care of his ailing mother who only had a few months to live (his words, she is still alive as we speak). 2 weeks after that discovery I kicked him out of the house, and he moved there to be with her (although he tells everyone he is taking care of his mother, but I know better). He told me that even if he hadn’t been “in love”, and even if this doesn’t work out, he would still have divorced me because it isn’t her fault, it’s mine. I filed just before he left the state, and our divorce will be final in the next couple of weeks.

  • I was chumpy enough to marry two cheaters. They had different styles, but bottom line they were both selfish, probably married me because I was stable and dependable and useful. I am still all those things, but now I act in my own self interest, and only do for others I care for, like my children and mother, and sometimes for a close friend.

    When I was young, all my girlfriends were looking for their prince, “The One” who would whisk them off to live happily ever after. Most of them actively searched for a mate, and were quite willing to take a fixer upper with potential, feeling they had special powers to change any deficiencies. I was unrealistic enough to think my “One” would find me, and the love we felt would change us both for the better, and our union would last because love would make us strong.

    I didn’t know about attraction and sex releasing hormones, all I knew was that I found some attractive and felt no sexual attraction for others, although I might like them as a person. I found men did not like being put in the friend category. Some men were so aggressive and absolutely not attractive to me that I tried to avoid them entirely. Still, the ones I found attractive I invested some time with, and dated.

    Then I married the ones I felt compatible with. I had two problems I had to fix with my picker. I was not critical enough in my thinking then, and I married too soon. I really never enjoyed dating. Both ex’s basically love bombed me, and both made promise they never intended to keep. I was convinced they loved me, and would work WITH me towards a successful future together.

    As the years went by I matured in my thinking, and I found myself doing more than my fair share of the “work” in the marriage. I found out about the cheating, compromised and tried to forgive , resented them for their immaturity and selfishness, and finally had enough. The first lasted 20 years, and I had two sons, so I was heavily invested. The second was a rebound, the second only lasted about two years, but the divorce was dragged out because of false reconciliations, for about two years. I was the one who changed after these experiences, and I did a lot of work to fix my picker.

    Since that time, I have dated for a very short time several times. but I am wary of motive, and observe them closely for signs of character and values. I find most men who want to date me have no patience for waiting for sex, and are seeking a partner to fulfill their needs. They are quite surprised to find I am independent, and have needs of my own which I tend to, but would appreciate someone who would be interested in mutual attention to the fulfillment of both partners needs. I realize I am attractive to them, and they know I am quite useful, but they generally fail to understand I don’t need someone to tell me what I can and cannot do, and I have no interest in being a servant.

    I don’t believe in soulmates, or the One anymore. I believe you have some friends for a season of your life, and others last through many seasons of your life. I am not closed to another intimate relationship, but I am very careful of investing my time in anyone who is selfish, and not willing to acknowledge that love and companionship at our age is not the same as the marriage they may have had when they were young. I want to share my life with someone who brings joy and comfort to it, not someone who is tired of doing his own cooking, cleaning, and laundry. I don’t want to be with someone who looks to me to provide a home and support for him. I worked hard, and saved, and was frugal to prepare for my retirement. My children are grown men now. I am interested in someone who is interested in exploring the possibilities life offers to people who have time to enjoy their retirement.

    If I cannot have “the partner of my dreams”, I am quite content to live alone, and spend my social time with my friends who have similar interests. I am not interested in a fixer upper. At my age, I don’t believe they can be fixed — the old dog, new tricks theory. Happiness is something you have within you, not something you get from someone else. For me, meh is knowing I can take care of myself, and I can find things I enjoy, and other people will be there. There are many people that I can be compatible with in social settings, but I don’t have to go home with them, or sleep with them. I can live without a spouse, and I prefer that to living with a cheating, lying, lazy spouse. My life. My choice. My meh.

      • I keep thinking as I read this that we need a book of Chump stories and wisdom, a companion to CL’s book, or maybe just a space on the blog for CL to archive or tag the key ones.

        • I have a journal entitled “Chump Nation’s Nuggets of Wisdom” where I copy words of wisdom from other chumps. And I sometimes print out an entire comment, like Portia’s, to be tucked inside.

    • “I want to share my life with someone who brings joy and comfort to it, not someone who is tired of doing his own cooking, cleaning, and laundry.” YUP! Me too.

      Agree with everything you’ve said here, Portia. Thank you : )

    • Portia, WOW!!! This is perfectly stated, and as women we need to be able to read this kind of description of how it is to live freely as mature people. THANKYOU. I am going to print this one out and read it whenever I feel lonely (which is more and more rare as I Get A Life).

  • I’ll tell you who your soulmate is. It’s your childhood friend. The person that’s known you through every stage of your life. She gets your jokes. The two of you have the same moral values. She’s the one you call when everything is going to hell in your life. The person you’re married to had better have the same moral values you do. If a mask drops, then you see that person in a spotlight and you realize there’s no soul to be mated to. You call your friend, cry, get angry and move on. Reverse that and it was my brother.

      • Until they’re not in “true love” anymore. When my dick-ex said ILYBINILWY, I replied, “But the vows were until death do us part.” He replied, “That was at a different time.” So you see, you only have to keep your vows until you aren’t in love anymore. That justifies many loves of their lives. And now that I’m on the subject, a memory just popped up. I remember the dick telling me before we were married that he ‘loved all the women he had in his life.’ So he justifies his behavior because he ‘loved them’.

  • Love is a choice, not an instant, magical connection. It’s a decision. Pretty much all chumps know this, because we chose to keep on fulfilling our promises and vows long beyond the point at which cheating partners no longer merited that kind of loyalty.

    I would have stayed at cheater’s side through any crisis or tragedy life tossed our way, but I was alone in that loving kind of choice. He wanted shallower things—expensive baubles, the envy of others, scads of money—that I just couldn’t relate to at all. I thought things like family, children, shared history and so forth mattered.

    Nobody can create a reciprocal relationship alone. The soulmate deal (and assorted versions thereof) attempts to dodge the hard work of love—hanging in through the real-life trials and tribulations of kids, house, pets, jobs, aging; sticking around after the first rush of passion fades; replacing that with something deeper and richer—with the effortless and the instant. That’s not the person who is going to hold your hair back while you puke from the chemo, or respect your sorrowful silence over the death of a parent, or look at you at age seventy and see the same guy or girl they have always loved.

    So it goes! Where happiness is defined as lack of all hardship and discomfort, nothing that I would be willing to call love can ever survive.

    • I remember telling a friend of XAss’s soon after I left that I would have stayed forever if he had just treated me with basic kindness.

      • Skunk…….Did your xass cheat? or did you leave because you considered that fact that you didnt think he treated you with basic kindness as abuse?

        • I originally left because he accused me of cheating (classic projection) and had been treating me terribly – The 3 D’s – distrust, disdain and disrespect – both in public and private. THEN I found out about the AP.

    • I guess that was sort of what I was trying to get at with the whole, soulmate versus life partner. The goal of life partner doesn’t discount the soulmate aspects of find someone you truly love and care for but the realties of life soon weigh down on us all and having someone that is by your side through it all is what I would think we really want. The soulmate view of cheating is just the chemical high of the affair. I probably didn’t ask the question very good but i honestly didn’t think she would respond to my message.

    • Cashmere, this is such a wise way to think about the problem of talking about “soul mates” rather than what it takes to love someone.

    • “Love is a choice” isn’t that from Scott Peck’s “The Road Less Traveled”? I found its corollary in “In Sheep Clothing” paraphrasing, “Love isn’t a feeling it’s a behavior.”

      • There’s a wonderful song by Don Francisco called “Love is not a feeling”. The chorus is essentially “Love is not a feeling, it’s an act of your will’. He’s an old timey Christian singer, but have found these particular words to be very true in all circumstances. Being in love is chemistry, loving someone is a commitment and a choice.

    • There is a song I love that came to my mind, it translates as saying along the line of ”while you were searching for a better woman, all the while there was a superhero by your side – I’d pull you out of a burning car , I’d make your heart re-start” (and so on)…

  • Dear Cheaters,

    Love is a verb.

    A verb is an “action” word.

    The actions are

    Patience
    Kindness
    Generosity
    Humility
    Courtesy
    Unselfishness
    Good temper
    Guilelessness
    Sincerity

    Amiisfree above said it. We define it differently.
    And just because someone calls me a zebra doesn’t mean I am one. Let the cheaters have each other and their Alternative Definitions. I want to live and live with the definition above.

    (BTW, that above is my daily To Do list. And what I should look for in people I invite into my life…..)

  • I really hate the concepts of soulmates twin flames etc and when I read about some poor person who’s been hellishly abused but thinks they are being taught special spiritual lessons or karmic payoffs by someone who is obviously a sadistic Narc abuser I just feel sad. One deserves tgat kind of treYment and likewise o look with all kinds of shade upon anyone who uses the term to justify their rank behaviour. I really think relationship dynamics and personal boundaries need to be taught in school and it foundational concepts should be actions not words reciprocity and abuse is not love.

  • For what it’s worth, when I see a guy is looking for his soulmate in a personal ad, I immediately translate that to “I expect you share every single one of my opinions, hobbies, and preferences. The very first time we differ (or we argue or you get sick or don’t kiss my rear) it will be proof that you’re not absolutely perfect and you will be discarded.”

    • I had signed up for online dating and a few times I got “I’m looking for my soulmate.” Each time I replied that I don’t believe in soulmates. I didn’t do well with online dating. I got good at dissecting the BS.

  • My ex was a soul “destroyer”, not a soul mate.F that beeyotch.

    There’s this girl I have known my entire life, we live in diff countries but always find ways to see each other. We’re always on the exact same page somehow. Everyone (both sides of the pond) always points out how much we are alike and find it hilarious. Not sure what that is, twin souls? Who the hell knows lol.

    Anyway, I was always a big fan of “Soul Train”!

  • My ex didn’t say she was his soul mate but told me she was the woman he loves .

    It still breaks my stupid heart 11 months later ( I can’t wait for meh ! )

  • The whole idea of “soul mates” is dangerous.

    1. Once a person attaches this label to another human, it’s like saying that “no one else will ever be right for me.” Then, if the relationship ends or SHOULD end, it’s very hard to detach. I believed XH the substance abuser was “the one,” essentially a soul mate, and that kept my psychologically attached to him even though he walked away from me when I was in my 20s. I held on to that disabling belief for decades, through other relationships. And that belief was why I was willing to overlook (aka “spackle”) the drinking and other destructive behaviors, including his meanness. What I should have done: recognized that being dumped the first time took him off the list of people I would date and then fixed my picker.
    2. It keeps chumps locked in the pick me dance. Hey, who wouldn’t dance for your soul mate?
    3. It makes the discard super painful because this person is supposedly your soul mate but they cheated on you! How could that be? That leads to a lot of “what’s wrong with me?” thinking.
    4. When the Cheater tells you that AP is his/her “soul mate,” chumps wonder, “What the hell was I?” This starts chumps on the comparison bandwagon, with the AP coming out on top by virtue of “soul mate Schmoopie” status.

    It’s a mindfuck. No one is your soul mate. Or if you have to have one, make it the BFF who never ever lets you down, or the mother or the sibling who always has your back and knows you inside and out, or your pet. My soul mate, if I had to designate one? Probably my old cat who died at 22 and was with me through a lot of bad stuff.

    • Soulmate is such a stupid term. You are correct. This is one of those terms that will be used in a comedy someday. But now, it hurts. It is a mindfuck.

  • I don’t know about “soul mate” thing-ex-Cheater had no soul & was just looking for a “hole mate.”
    And he looked in quite a few holes whilst being married to me.

    Thankfully,I left a cheater & gained a life!

  • She referred to me as her ‘soulmate’ literally thousands and thousands of times during our 18-year ‘relationship’.

    Along with ‘love of my life’ it’s one of the buzz phrases that they learn when they go to narc school and gets their diploma in advanced narcology.

    • Yep. I remember looking at the IPads history and wasband had Googled “how to leave the love of your life.” I point blanked asked him about it and he denied, said he went down some rabbit hole one night….then I asked if there was someone else? No, I could never do that to you. Fast forward 45 days later and I get the discard/affair reveal. So not sure if I was the love and he still wanted to eat cake 45 days earlier but more likely OW was the love and I was wife appliance. Whatever, 4 days later I filed for divorce. Maybe he was listening to Post Malone too much as well, all those bitch baby songs and bring better now.

  • My soon to x husband had several soulmates. I am sure many more than I am aware of.
    To him, soulmate meant hot sex and constant adoration. Or, constant sex and hot adoration. Whatever…
    But, the term makes me cringe. I was not his soulmate since I birthed his only child, made so much more $ than him, was the adult, did some great investing, kind to his family, planned great trips, etc. Oh did I say faithful? He placed no value on me at the end at all. So, that term really gets me going.

  • As the saying goes, a woman looking for her knight in shining armour will probably have to clean up after his horse !

  • I think cheaters misuse the word soulmate. To them, anyone willing to be at their beck and call, like everything they do and believe all their lies is their “soulmate”. Any real connection comes with love respect and trust as the foundation. A cheater relationship has none of these.

  • I’m realizing that RIC eventually leads their (paying) victims back to ‘the beginning’. As does picker fixing. The rear view mirror approach.

    Soo, let’s go all the way back. Genesis being my point of reference from my first decade of existence. Adam and Eve style deception, betrayal and blameshifting. Both thrown out of paradise over an apple 🍎

    God: Consequences Kids!! I warned y’all.
    Adam: Dude! I want my rib back.
    Eve: the snake 🐍 my soulmate

    God: Corporal punishment it is then..

    Singly, Women bleed and have pain birthing. Men must work by sweat 💦 of their brow to eat.

    Jointly, “I will put Enmity between thee”.
    (I’m still trying to get my head around that one!)

    Academia: no alphabet, no writing, history past on by oral storytelling

    Fast forward: Cain and Able arrive. OK. Got it.
    Incest logically followed for the race to expand, right? Eve got busy making daughters. Tragically the sperm pool gets reduced somewhere downstream. The breeding pond gets stocked enough for mathematical ‘begets’ expansion. This must be where the phrase “keep it in the family” comes from.

    Fast forward a few eons. Science 🧬

    Remember your first mutual climax together with another human being? Where the “ two shall become One”. That Chemistry 🧪 !! Et Voila!! Soul bonding.

    I’m a firm believer in chemistry. Stoichiometric reactors combined to produce a quantifiable and predictable byproduct. I loved studying chemistry because its basis was at the atomic level, and smaller. Enter Oxytocin and it’s cohort of mood enhancement siblings.

    Fluid exchanges between 2 humans,..And Lots of them dating and throughout marriage. The entry vectors being finitely defined.

    A chemical reaction will continue until a state of equilibrium is reached, then it stops.

    I think this explains why a couple that stays together faithfully for life don’t stray sexually. They reach a satisfactory equilibrium together without contaminants being introduced to alter their reaction. They are satisfied.

    When foreign fluids enter the reaction as contaminants another byproduct is produced instead. Homeostasis is disrupted. Imbalance follows suit.

    I latched onto this concept intellectually after dDay. My body latched onto it well before then.

    My olfactory senses detected an imbalance in xw long before my consciousness did.
    Think about it. Altered pheromone emissions. vaginal smell, sweat smell, flatulence, burps, exhalations. My sense of Taste during a kiss, a lick. It all added up.

    Physiological signals inside me created by an Alien 👽 chemistry inside her modified by external contaminants. For me it was the Rosetta Stone of the “when you know, that you know” moment.

    Hopium gets reduced to my permanent withdrawal from 13 years exposure to her chemistry. Rationality returns with continued isolation from it. My Reactants structurally modified with trace markers for adaptive protection.

    So in honor of the chemistry of infidelity I offer a new meaning for the word ‘soul’ used in today’s discussion…

    Soul: (v) Spontaneous Oxytocin Uptake Leveling

    an Irreversible, contaminate catalyzed reaction resulting in absolute incompatibility between the previous molecular combinations.

    Somewhere in the past, My xw apparently overdosed on her extracurricular semen intake, exceeded her biological upper threshold limitations before her ‘soul’ took over and I dropped out of the equation.

    • I do like the analytical approach of it and yeah it is odd that our bodies know somethings up long before our minds do, on the reverse side it’s also odd that our minds can be done with the relationship when they leave us but our body stays stuck.

      Stupid body.

      • Sorry4E,

        It’s a finite stuck. Just like the pain is a finite suck.
        Our bodies are incredible in their complex design and function.

        Thank You for your suggestion for the topic BTW. Good Stuff!!

        • Marcus, I’m glad that you seem to be doing all right. But how do you know that three pain is finite (will end before death) for all of us? A medication curing one person’s cancer does not mean that it will cure everyone’s cancer. I suspect that my pain will end only when I die as I have grieved the loss of partners decades after they left. I hope to die as soon as my kids reach majority and are set financially. I think that death will be the only thing that kills the pain as nothing else has worked and I have repeatedly tried many different things (treatments).

          • RSW,
            Tracey said it would and I’ve chosen to believe that. I also have to be willing to let go of it. It’s not something that can be taken from me but something I must give up, voluntarily. When I’m ready. I won’t be ready until I’ve hurt bad enough for long enough.
            From Game of Thrones
            Jaqen H’ghar said “There is only one God. A girl knows his name. And all men know his gift…”

            I’m sad for you. I pray you find your cleansing.

          • RSW,

            it never stops hurting.

            But you come to acceptance. And when you come to acceptance, then the world starts looking like a beautiful place. Practice attitude of gratitude.

            I now take deep pleasure in dawns, a flower, the activity of bees. My friends. Being authentic.

            I am actually more in touch and happier than I was with him. Even though I am still very sad and always will be. If that makes sense.

    • What he doesn’t mention is that BOTH need to feel that way, for it to be real, deep love. That way both get their needs met, as much as humanly possible.

      The mistake most Chumps make is that, being willing to love deeply and caringly, they assume that this is what their partners want too. Reciprocity is the key.

  • My cheating Ex is on to his fourth soul mate. She wants his children!! (he’s 55)

    Funny, they don’t seem to notice that they ‘overlap’ eachother

  • OWhore didn’t believe in God. But when challenged in a text sent by my ex-MIL about the sin of carrying on with a married man, she totally pulled that card. How they must have been brought together for a reason, she didn’t know what, but it obviously was meant to be. Argh! Lady, you are void of a soul, for a start, and more so, delusional, if you think God decimates a family to make you happy. No, you saw what you wanted and you took it, no hand of God, just two soulless selfish cheaters, plain and simple. I’m going to send her message in to the UBT one of these days.

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