An alert chump sent me A Letter To The Woman Whose Man Cheated On Her With Me. The OW is “Aria.” The chump girlfriend is “Candy.”
I think these names have to be made up. Aria? Seriously? You’re an operatic solo full of passion and meaning and the chump is some frivolous confection? A Mars bar? A jellybean?
Anyway, I digress. The letter is another example of this peculiar phenomenon of OW feigning benevolence to the chump. I think the kids call this “concern trolling.”
Anyone get this brand of Schmoopie? Where they blow the whistle on the affair for the stated purpose of helping you know the Real Truth.
Of course, they were fine with you not knowing the truth while they were fucking your boyfriend, but now that they’ve tired of the pick me dance, and the boyfriend remains content with cake, they find their newfound zeal for unvarnished honesty and the welfare of the chump.
Look, I’m all for OW telling the chump. Don’t get me wrong. But they need to check their cloak of self righteousness at the door. A simple “I’ve been fucking your partner and I’m sorry” will suffice. The very last thing a chump needs on her D-Day is an shovel full of How Great Thou Art from the OW. Schmoops — you’re not morally superior, okay? And we’re not all in this together as fellow chumps. You CHOSE this shit.
Men — I don’t know any cases of Other Men who do this crap. It seems to be some gender division on this. Theorize amongst yourselves. (Men are precious kibble resources! We must compete for them!) OM seem to be more straightforward sleaze bags. They just fuck around and don’t think too deeply about it. Thank God for small mercies.
Anyway back to Aria. Her letter begins with “I’m deeply sorry” and then goes on to turn that sentiment on its ear.
“I am writing this because I am feeling guilty and maybe a little bit spiteful.”
Aria, a little primer on apologies — saying “you’re sorry” isn’t done out of spite. It’s done out of recognizing that you’ve been shitty. You only got one sentence in before you made this All About You.
“I’ve plead with him to tell you the truth.”
Of course you have. You’re sick to death of the pick me dance. PICK ME! you motherfucker! ME!!!! Eliminate the competition for once and for all.
“I’m livid at the way he’s handling things.”
Naturally. He’s still eating cake. Is it just beginning to dawn on you how this works?
“These past few months I’ve seen a side of him I never knew existed. If I could only tell you the constant number of ways I’ve bent over backwards to try and keep our friendship afloat when you were with him and how I’ve tried pleasing him more recently when we’ve been an item.”
Aria, you knew this side of him existed the minute you learned he had another girlfriend. What you didn’t know was that the pick me dance is rigged. You’re not going to win it because it’s not winnable. Cake must be maintained.
I’m sure the chump really appreciates All You Did for her boyfriend. Seriously, OW — WTF?
“We’re too good for him.”
I love it when OW speak in the royal We. Oh, NOW it’s the universal sisterhood! Now we’re in this together! Now it’s you and me against him!
It’s not that you’re wrong about that — the gum on your shoe is too good for that guy. But you don’t get to speak for the chump and feign sisterhood with her. You fucked her boyfriend.
I can’t stop thinking about the line in the Great Gatsby when Daisy Buchanan claims she wants her daughter to be a “beautiful little fool.” Well, I hope one day you learn the truth. I would hate for you to be a beautiful little fool.
And the insufferable literary reference. (My OW used to sign her letters “Samuel Clemens.” Way to ruin Mark Twain for me.) I’m sure the chump is just frightfully intimidated that you’ve read F. Scott Fitzgerald. God, how could a girl named “Candy” ever compete with such erudition?
Aria — the only fool here is you. Chumps are trusting souls who got played. You told her your “truth,” now fuck off.
This one ran eons ago. Hey don’t forget to submit your Valentine’s poems!