Happy February, CN! It’s nearly Valentine’s Day, or as some have been known to call it “Single Awareness Day.” If you’re feeling a bit adrift with all the mylar heart balloons and syrupy sentiment out there…. consider snark!
Yes, it’s time once again for our Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest where we remember the less fortunate — the poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.
So send me a poem! Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience.
Please no lugubrious long-form verse — keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)
The winners get inscribed copies of my book (I’ll ship anywhere). I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day.
To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems.
You have until Sunday, February 12 to send submissions.
Way to start the week, stabbing Cupid… Bring it, CN!
I once had a dumb wife who screwed
a dumb-ass, a dick, and a dude.
She wasn’t particular
About things testicular
She’d fuck anything that’d protrude.
Awesome!
LOL!
My wife, good hearted thespian,
said she was suddenly a lesbian.
So she started to date,
Her co-worker/mate,
And gaslit me so machiavellian.
Great start, this is a good one
Boom!
“Particular” rhymed with “testicular” is genius.
Fantastic!!
Nomar,
Outstanding!
=)
I once had a wife called Claire,
Who once caught gave me the dead-eyed stare,
An affair with her boss,
She couldn’t give a toss,
And now my children I half share
omg…i love that!!!
I once used to say
“I hate the way you treat me.”
No more need to say.
Bitter Valentine Snark. I look forward to this so much. Like Xmas felt when you were four.
Bring it Chump Nation!!!
I know.
I am soooo bad at this, but I love seeing what everyone here writes.
I had an ex wife called Vicky,
Who lied to the nth degree,
She wanted some cock,
Unconcerned by the stock,
It all left me feeling rather sicky.
As soon as I had paid for your schools
You went out and found some new tools
Your own money you could now make
And there was nothing left of me to take
Now, I’m still your #1…but just in a series of fools
^This!^ Well done.
bravo
I apologise in advance as I’m terrible with this sort of thing but joining in for the fun of it.
He left without much warning,
I could feel my head spinning.
Then my head went ding,
He left for a fling.
Now without him I’m winning
Or terrible at all – a great poem with a lot of heart and humour. Bravo!
He says I love you.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I know about her.
I love the simple brilliance of this!
Me, too.
Yes a 7 syllable ha
My ex wanted excitement
Unfortunately he had to buy it
They were quite alike
Dickheads and shite
They ended up with each other so their shite
Poetry isn’t my thing, least I tryed
I was depress, means I don’t love you.
Said by the one who didn’t stay true.
Too lost, too sad, and too empty.
Our marriage no longer made you happy?
and your affair was something you’re due?
Screw you!
You two Warcraft trolls
Truly deserve each other.
I choose the real world.
Oh Snap! Awesome!!
Dr Narc slept with a patient with PTSD
And you asked me for my pity
It’s now so easy for me to see
That you do not value me
I’m working each day to be mighty!
Updated version:
Dr Narc slept with a patient with PTSD
And you asked me for my pity
It’s now so easy to see
That you do not value me
I’m working hard each day to be mighty!!
He ran off with a fat ugly cow.
Last Valentines she gave him cacao.
But this Valentines I’m beaming,
It’s SHE he’s giving the reaming.
You can have him you hideous sow.
No we cannot be friends
My friends do not cheat and lie
I’d say if I spoke
Mike drop. Bravo!
YESS!!!!!
There once was an AP called D
Who’s boyfriend lied and said his wife was a B
The wife found out and gave out a shout
you are both F ing C’s
I now know what you meant
Went said you needed space to vent
I threw you out quick
When you tried a new dick
I hope you now live in a tent
like
I suspected all along
That he wanted to give you his schalong
He was a flea bag galore
Is on wife number four
And now you sing a sad song
A man whose lies were off the scale
told all who would listen a tale
which went “woe is me,
she’s SOOOO mean, you see…”
to justify chasing new tail.
Absent of remorse,
he stuck his penis right in
every hole he found.
You told me you wanted male friendship
So you helped a Mexican get his citizenship
He payed you by screwing you
He told you “I am not leaving my wife for you”
Now you are a member of the “divorce ship”
Previous winner here so I’ve got the book,but just for fun…
There once was a cheater named Peter
Who juggled a harem of whores
He’s sly and he’s slick
To service his dick
Here’s hoping it’s covered in sores.
LMAO!! ????
To DeeDee:
My ex was named Peter. But, I call him Dick Devious. He gave me HPV that the OW gave him. Wonder if it’s the same Peter or if they were both just being peters.
Evidently, Peters and peters get around, no?
(Not a poem. Just a comment)
My ex is a shameless love bomber,
He used this skill to con her,
Her name was Champane,
She thinks he’ll make it rain,
I’m so glad he’s a gone-er.
I saw that new guy you skrew I hear he’s all done with you ,
Now you want to come back home ’cause your afraid to be alone
NO OOOOO OOOOO OOOOO FUCKING WAY
I am not your door mat
NO OOOOO OOOOO OOOOO FUCKING WAY
got new life and that is that . (Sung to the tune of the Christmas Carole “Gloria “)
New York nutbag am singin along with ya! La la la la pmsl
Thank you! Singing wise I can use all I help I can get! Hey! Just a thought…maybe ,if we get enough voices, we could all go Chumpmas caroling!
Feel free to use my As with your own Bs CN!!
He thought he was king of the gym
She taught bikes and flashed him her quim
He tore the family apart
Just to be with his tart
Now he’s broke and his future is grim
Ha ha ! New word of the week-quim !
I married a man with a pecker
He used it as a home wrecker
Now he sits home alone
With his fist on his bone
Now I’m happy without that fat fecker
????????????????????
????
I’m sitting here crying I’m laughing so hard…
I once had a wife named Leslie
Whose lies would only depress me
And when she did bed
Men she had not wed
I dumped her and became more stress free
It’s been so long now, I really dont care
When you had your tawdry affair
You had always been abusive
So no great loss when she became your new Mrs…
But she pressed charges and now you’re alone with no hair
“I’m still married”, he said
“You can’t have your ring back”-instead-
“I’ll wear it with pride
’til you’re no longer my Bride
I’m a good guy” (who just wanted
strange head)
There was a homewrecker named Yi
Took my ex on a dumpling spree
Hundreds of dollars he spent
But not a penny for rent
Now he mooches off her and not me
Life is funnier than fiction!
I live you CN handle ‘left for the dumpling queen’. This is poetry in itself!
Love this! So clever!
See, you fell from grace
Hon, you ain’t no unicorn
That’s why we’re divorced
There once was a redhead with curls,
Whose husband screwed a young girl,
She bought an old house,
Got over her spouse,
and cares more about plaster than him.
I told you my soul mate was she
A woman who was our employee
Our marriage I then threw away
So I could seize my new day
And too fucking bad you disagree!
There once was an asshole named Chris
Thought we were in wedded bliss
Turns out he loves porn
Strokes his dick all forlorn
So here I am taking the piss
You left for pussy
leaving me PTSD
She left you for dick
I heard your whore left
Did you threaten to kill her
like you did with me
People’s lives damaged
and she left you anyway
you’re too old for more
Wasband is sad as fuck
The whore he left me for a fuck
Has dumped his silly ass
looking for greener grass
leaving him old, gray and ugly and yuck
I heard your slut left you alone
to cry all alone with your bone
Good news is you’re older
You look shit I told ya
“Died single” will grace your gravestone
X was seen online
Not my problem now
Cheaters never stop
P.S.backstory: my good friend is on Bumble. Yesterday a pic of XH popped into her feed. His pic was from when we were together (5+ years and 80 lbs ago) before he lost his health and vitality. He’s in a “committed” relationship and living with the young gold digging whore he left our family for. Karma’s a bitch! Baahaaahaaa ????????????????????????.
P.S.A. If you are on Bumble in the PNW and see a average-looking blonde haired 51 year old wide smiling attorney holding a cup of coffee take a hard PASS!
Haaaaaaha!!! Man, this makes me scared to use dating apps. I bet all the cheater freaks are on there
My cheater freak was on dating apps.
His profile made me laugh. I don’t know who he was describing but it wasn’t him. He’s so full of shit, said he enjoys going to concerts. I lived with him for 25 years, we never went to a concert. He never mentioned going to a concert and if I suggested going he’d list all the reasons why we shouldn’t go.., there would be a lot of people, we have to drive home, there might be traffic.. He didn’t like leaving the house. He also said he loves Sunday drives and weekend getaways, visiting out of the way towns. . He hated driving anywhere. The two or three weekend trips we went on in 25 years, he was miserable, refused to stop the car so we could use the restroom.
Then there were his photos, wearing muscle shirts, flexing his biceps, face to the side, trying to look like he didn’t know the photo was being taken. I laughed out loud at he comments he made next to each one. I was almost embarrassed for him.
Down the long aisle we strode
Thought I married a prince, not a toad
What’s that you say?
All my faults made you stray?
Hope she likes riding your chode
????????x 1000! ????
You thought you could fly but you’re blown
They’ll write “died single” on your gravestone
your penis is old
your charm’s full of mould
and she’s left for some other man’s bone
Wish I had the sense
to not feel sad that she left
but I’m not like you
You look like shit now
Can you love bomb at your age
without your good looks
Can’t emphasize enough you’re the worst
Served your dick to the girls like bratwurst
Did you make them all cum?
Haha, you’re such a fucking bum
Step aside, I’m now putting ME first
Love this one!
Good Lord this is so cathartic! Thanks CL and CN for reading my vicious thoughts, lol. Hope we all get some well-deserved release from this little exercise. ❤️
Don’t sweat the small things, he always said
How do I react to your small penis boning a whore in my bed?
I filed in 2 weeks just to be free
It’s ok baby, blame it on me
Your whore can now keep you and your little dick head
We both know you’re an empty shell
and a sociopath and going to hell
well you mirrored her too
but she’s a narc just like you
You’re too old to get out your new hell
There once was a sparkle-dick master
Whose love-bombing turned into disaster
now she’s the one stuck
with that old mother f**k
and I’m happy alone ever after
Bravo !! ????????
I want to memorize this one
Household work was mine
I was your wife appliance
You were just a tool.
Bravo!
You left a loving…
Oh look, your twat fucked around!
wife who had your back
I’m told that you’re miserable as fuck
and debating coming back to try your luck
Well I’m not that damn stupid
I found better friends than you did
and I’m rocking my world you pathetic Schmuck
Love it! ????
He dated a Russian goldigger
On his marriage he then pulled the trigger
I his wife got the hump
The young Russian a bump
He’ll be cleaned out is all I can snigger!
Even though your cock was dead
You found a sucker you tried to wed
She left you flat
Now you’re chasing young twat
Even though you’re an ugly old ghoul
He seemed a good man
I was fooled for many years
Now I trust he sucks
She had many accusations quite bizarre.
I told her one more and you have gone to far.
So she accursed an illegitimate child I did sire.
But this was a complete impossibility.
The child’s birth was eight years after my vasectomy.
Now I am free of this delusional narc liar.
As she went for walk.
To take on a cock.
She said it was all my fault.
Now they are done.
She had her fun.
And that was her last assault.
There once was a sad man
who thought he had a great plan,
He’d treat his wife like dirt
While he ate cake and flirt.
But she said No Way.
Packed up, made him pay.
Now he’s mad and alone
Left by himself, whining into his phone.
Turns out your soul mate
also has bad character
and left. No surprise!
I feel sad for the
children involved in the three
marriages you broke
Not just two marriages, but three? How’d they manage that?
She was married, so that’s two and AFAIK he’s just divorced her.
I’m no contact so can’t be 100% sure.
Accidentally heard it through the grapevine ;-P.
You’ve no personality of your own
it’s the person you’re with that you clone
Now she’s left for his dick
and you’re getting old and sick
no supply when you’re all on your own
She began acting all shady,
We could get through this, reconcile maybe?
alas, with regret,
I should have bet,
that within weeks she’d be having his baby.
This is a good one.
Goodbye to the mind fuck, lies and deceit.
The only truth was when you told me
You were hungry, horny or needed to pee.
(BTW–I got to know his second wife (a lovely woman that he cheated on, along with his first wife and every other girl/woman he was involved with his entire life).
The last line of the above poem was something I’d said to him many times. One day I was speaking with W#2 and she, unprompted, volunteered she’d had the SAME EXACT summation of him to me. Talk about chump solidarity that gave us a good, bonding laugh! 🙂
Way back when I married a plumber
Couldn’t see there was nobody dumber
He could not tame his zipper
Ran off with a stripper
And now I’m a bright up-and-comer
Impressive.
Double barrel:
There once was a cheater named Dick
His wife finally clocked all his schtick
He’ll get 300k
But doesn’t want to say
That discovery is done, so won’t settle.
So back to the lawyers she goes. Another 10k down the drain.
But one things for sure, it’s not very pure
Would be easier if he’d just go away.
It was rather shocking to find
several teenagers with which you were entwined
you’d already bought a ring
made sure I’d found everything
motherfucker you’re one of a kind
You thought staying married was foregone
So you didn’t care that your whore I threw light upon
Then you thought I was bad
Now you has the sadz
Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
LMAO! Love it!
Diarrhea AND Dead Phone?
Try Whore Stop
Ain’t GPS a Bitch?!
????♀️????
Wow, good one!
No we can’t be friends
My friends do not cheat and lie
I’d say if I spoke
No we can’t be friends
My friends do not cheat and lie
I’d say if I spoke
(RePosted with a correction)
What you did was essentially torture,
emotional abuse, and debaucher
now I’ve gained the knowledge
and it is to my advantage
I’ve successfully fixed my damn picker
I could pity you
but I’m too busy with life
and you’re still a narc
Love the haiku!
My beloved fiancé Kathryn,
Hooked-up with some dude at Days Inn,
As a result of this fling,
I got back my ring,
And she got a new little munchkin.
A narcissist’s one oddball ruse
is leaving their stuff when they vamoose
I was ahead of your game
and feel no shame
for discarding your return excuse
In hindsight it’s funny these hoes
have no chance in keeping their Joes
once they’ve gone fucking
there’s no way they’re stopping
entitlement eventually shows
Dear God up above,
What did I see in that narc?
Alone is better.
Thank you schmoopie-ho.
You took out the trash for me.
No more nurse or purse.
I laugh last and best.
Endless possibilities.
Not living in fear.
There once was a cheater named ass hole
He left for an adulterous whore troll
At first I was mad,
Then I got glad.
A fuckwit free life is my goal.
You were my best friend
“I need to remain neutral!”
Go to Switzerland!
X has balls made of silicone
Absolutely NO testosterone
His whole life is a fake
Which I could not take
Karma assures me he’ll die all alone
To the Chlorine Special (formerly Rider of the Purple Dildo), in honor of the 2019 wedding:
For stimulation, she will egg you.
For adulation, she will beg you.
Good luck with that station.
A small consolation:
If you’re a good boy, she will peg you.
———-
To my ex, in honor of the apparent abandonment of the “sexual evolution podcast” that was being planning for 2019 —
In drumming up buzz for the podcasts,
And spotlighting both of your odd pasts,
They ain’t so spellbinding.
I trust you’re now finding:
Who cares how long R-P-D’s rod lasts?
*bowing before UxWorld* we are not worthy!
You suggested polyamory
after seeing her magnificent mammories.
Screwing her when supposed to be at work,
apparently twu wuv can twerk.
Thanks for the ptsd memories.
Now the chum(p) is gone
Won’t be your shark bait no more
Hope you get harpooned
To her, he was just a friend
Her story until the end
Yes she had an affair
No, she didn’t care
In fact, there wasn’t just one but ten
Don’t dong, the dick is gone…
Now my walls all sing along
Ding dong, the dick is GONE,
Now my walls all sing along!!
(Correction from above)
Neither a limerick nor a Haiku, but here goes …
May burning piles torment you
And corns adorn your feet
And crabs as big as crocodiles,
Crawl ’round your ass and eat
And when you’re old and feeble
And mind a total wreck,
May your head fall through your asshole
And break your f!@#$g neck!
Ha ha ha ha !!
This killed me!! LMAO! ????????
????????????????
????????????????????????????
????????????????????
That is a masterpiece. Standing Ovation in my living room!!!
The ex had a mistress called Vikki
Who found fellatio incredibly tricky
As she lifted his belly
His crotch was so smelly
It made her terribly sickie
Blech ! Sounds like this man is so overweight he has turtle d*ck !
OMG. The imagery!! The disgusting, hilarious imagery! ????
Reality gone
In bed naked you’re somewhere else
Betrayal I know
You cheated, and then you got caught.
Said you were sorry- you’re not.
But you’re gonna need luck
To catch the next f*^k
Because fat, bald, and limp ain’t so “hot.”
Love love love this!
I’m no poet, but for fun!! 🙂
Have to admit that it was a shock,
Found my husband likes to suck cock.
Hid his double life
From his loving wife,
And now his head’s on the block.
Aroma of olde prawn
Single blonde hair
wrapped around gear stick
Wellies in car boot
and Natterjack toad ponds blamed
And suddenly my world fell apart
All cause of some stupid old tart
And a partner, who it seems
Pursued his wet dreams
But I gather I made it all start.????
I was working full time for my mate.
His girlfriend from Oz was named Kate.
He used all my cash
for her cheap piece of ass
And now he is too poor to date!
Three marriages down, and
I’ve fooled this clown.
“You made me orgasm” she’d wrote,
The Proof now confirmed in her quote.
The Judge smiled, “The plaintiffs unbound”.
“I’m sorry, so sorry” she said to my son
After my husband and his father she’d won
Ok now I said it
So forgive me damn it
You really thing that’s all it takes and you’re done?
think
The casual way
you delivered a death threat
I did not notice
Changing the house locks
and telling you I did it
may have saved my life
The fucker would throw out my stuff
then lovingly help me while calling my bluff
well it’s good that you left
I’ve not lost anything yet
and your Hoe’s busy losing her stuff
You thought fucking her would make life happy
Now she and your son are both unhappy
She demands that he like her
But he’d rather bite her
Don’t blame me if you’re now feeling crappy
You thought life with her would be better
Now she leads you around by your pecker
You scratched at that itch
Now you’re stuck with the bitch
Yeah that’s karma, get used to it sucker
????????
Ode to the Cheating Ex:
The bottle she does like to drink
No humility – eyes full of stink
The mistress of DARVO
May they both rot with parvo
I fly upward, not even watching them sink
Nice!
Once upon a time…
Thou hath a penis in the land of free,
Methinks thee a cheater, hence I yare see.
Naytheless no remorse,
Hereupon a quick divorce.
Tuesday cometh, O meh is me.
My love for that woman was true,
But the problems began with `I do’,
Despite all she said,
When she got near a bed,
There was not a man she wouldn’t screw.
This! Lol
I very much loved
who you pretended to be
over who you are
This pretty much sums it up
You play stupid games. . .
Fool around behind my back,
Win stupid prizes.
For months and months I was the one to blame
She was running around with a loser fuck with no shame
I guess she liked his gambling addiction
But the relationship he had with his wife cause some friction
Now she’s upset because I am no longer playing the pick me game
When your wife starts to let herself go
Prepare to give her the old heave-ho
Get hair plugs and start to mingle
Doesn’t matter that you’re not yet single
Line up new options by flashing your dough
You can have it all
A wife AND a fiancé
Laws are for losers
“I should get credit…
For the years I didn’t cheat!”
Have a bitch cookie
It was a facade
Twenty-five years down the drain
Enjoy your “upgrade”
Love this!! Doesn’t matter that you’re not single.
I married and bred with this nerd
Unloved, unseen and unheard
But not so for the narc
He fucked drunk in the dark
Then proceeded to worship, the turd.
Covert versus overt
I could have seen you coming
if I thought that way
I garner so much of delight
In photos where my smile is just bright
I’m free as a bird
and I know you’re a turd
and my new life is filled with much light
Bitter funny and short
He sure loves to drive his big Ford
This cheater of mine
He sure loves to dine
On a nameless pussy called whore
Happiness is free
But to get away from you
I would bet the farm
There was a limerick in the Band of Brothers series I recently binged on- the pentameter of which I cannot get out of my head.
Tracy, I’m loving this challenge BTW…so here’s how…ML
I thought that I’d found me a-diamond ????,
So sorry… she’s only a whore.
I’m waking up now with my Beagles,
…content that I’m growing once more.
They don’t give diseases, while down on their kneezes…suckin’ the cock of another,
Nor empty my wallet and then choose to Call It,
while dreamin’of fuckin’ her brother.
No Contact’s You’re freedom!, See!,…you stopped the bleedin’, yelled Tracy- Now swim for the shore!
I’ll see you on Tuesday,…when you See A New Way,
And your heart is healed to its core.
I’m prefacing this by saying that the happy couple has a joint facebook page announcing their engagement last March, and we’re not yet divorced.
The purple lipsticked whore, Melis
Pledged her troth with a kiss
Look at ME, I won the prize!
(of MY husband with the lying eyes)
Look at them, they think they’re funky!
All she “won” is a fucking junkie
Pay back She’s a coming
The day I cannot say
She’ll want her due amended
You’ll be the one to pay
Excuse’ll bear no favor
her wrath will not be swayed
For You She’s come, you cannot run
For hearts That you’ve betrayed
Strength and compassion
made me a challenge for you
you did not break me
He was a covert narc abuser
Who cried he was an unlucky loser
In his wife he did not see
How good a woman could be
With next husband she sure had fixed her chooser
My husband was really a louse
spent most of his time out the house
didnt occur to me then, he made two baby twins
and their mother thought she was his spouse
Porn to assist masturbation
Stripper and hooker intoxication
My ex is a slime
His lying divine
My middle finger as salutations
????????????????????????????
There once was a cheater named Rick.
I found out he was a real sick.
He spent all our money
On some teenage honey.
I guess he only thinks with his dick.
There once was an elderly narc
who kept half of his life in the dark.
Since I found out her name
my career’s not been the same
but I’ve learned to swim faster than sharks.
my old jackass ray
brayed for a strange young buxom lay
…money gone she ran away
On Dday I had an epiphany!
Our marriage was shit because Tiffany.
He was her boss.
This is his loss
Now half of his earnings he’ll gift to me.
On the altar you gave me your word
But it was alcohol that you preferred
Finally sober you got
Then you fucked a new twat
Just proves you can’t polish a turd
You’re fucked in the head.
You were fucking strange for years.
Now go fuck yourself.
She thought she could take my man’s money
So she started to tempt him with honey,
but when she tried to fellate
her technique he did hate
Which I thought was really quite funny
My vote!!!
A lazy cheater couldn’t pay bills
He blew all his money on thrills
He found a niave fuck
Who thought “what luck!”
But it’s only cuz she lived down the hill
He met her while we were eating a meal
She thought “ooo a chef what a deal!”
But if she had looked
She’d realize he’s just a cook
I’ll let her keep sucking that eel
I was concerned he wasn’t coming to bed
Was worried “Maybe he’s off his meds?”
But he had some kitten
With which he was smitten
And was happy receiving strange head
There once was a dude who seemed awesome
But was really a skank who played possum.
One ho’s panties I found
Then his game went to ground
And he’s not here to see me fucking blossom.
————-
I don’t regret the decade plus that I lost
I might regret the stupid debt that it cost
Because I left him and I learnt
At least his feelings are so burnt
But the ice queen just hits him with frost
—————-
There once was a dude from a place
Who wanted many to sit on his face
Ignored and shamed his hardworking wife
‘collected’ tastes of every flavour and spice
And is now Curious why I left without a trace
—————-
The gaslight. gaslight.
I didn’t gaslight… dummy.
But… I gaslighted
———————-
Ho hub still reads this web page
Let’s me know I’m in a f’kn cage
His dick it did wander
I hope he found something blonder
And this poem will spark some dumb rage.
Such this a strange sanctuary,
What good fortune could this bring?
For the truth that I long,
Breaks a new dawn
Perhaps redemptions dim gleam.
Love you!
Loved you?!
Meh!
We used to say,
We choose each other
Each new day.
That was half true:
I chose you
And you did too.
(Neither a limerick nor a haiku, but at least it’s short.)
That old cheater and narc
who kept this chump in the dark
will never be a friend
no contact will never end
all he deserves is snark
I cleaned my bathtub.
Came home to find a whore’s pube.
On my brand new soap.
Ew, gross!
The doctor turned 50 and worried
I’d better fuck young in a hurry
So he found a Christian, a nurse
She said, “stick it in, for purse!”
She got the bag, he got the hag,
And I got my life back, not sad!
There once was a cheater who claimed
That cupid’s arrow was aimed
At a self-serving skank
So he needed to wank
Behind the wife’s back, who was maimed.
If you love a cheat
Let them go…and hope to fuck
They never come back.
There once was a redhead with curls,
Whose husband screwed a young girl,
She bought an old house,
Got over her spouse,
and cares more about plaster than him.
Hickory dickery dock
She probably did suck your cock
I had no idea you were dating
While at our home I was waiting
Thinking you had just lost your clock.
There once was a narcissist phony
Who thought he couldn’t possibly owe me
His argument was a fail
The judge sent him to jail
Now the wifetress pays his back alimony
That put a smile on my face. It’s proof that the rarely seen Instant Karma DOES EXIST!
When a tingle becomes a chill
You go find strange, that’s the drill.
You follow a familiar pattern,
To lie and cheat – your semens a’ scatterin’
I raise my glass to your life’s battles, hoping it’s all uphill.
Narcissist
Blame shift
Gaslight
Goodbye
There once was a man from Savannah
Whose dick was shaped like a banana
He showed it about
To too many to count
All his vows were just propaganda
It’s been ten long years
Since you left “to be happy”.
Why can’t you quit me?
Cluster B
Cluster B
Please oh please, stay away from me!
You thought a younger wife would look cool.
But really you look like an old fool.
When you come down with dementia,
I’ll be happy I sent ya’
away, and Schmoopie can wipe off your drool.
He came to our wedding
My wife he was bedding
They hid it well
They both can go to hell
wait till he realizes what he’s getting
He came to our wedding
My wife he was bedding
They hid it well
They both can go to hell
Wait till they find out what they’re getting
May have to change my card up a bit, I love the drool thing, HAHAHAHAHA
I called my husband.
He 3-wayed me with OW.
Cheater your’re busted.
I called my husband.
He 3-wayed me with OW.
Cheater you’re busted.
He is a rockstar!
No, a sly sociopath.
Congratulations!
There once was a man named Peter,
It just so happened he was also a cheater,
The skank gave him her STD clam,
Oh boy, did they ram, and ram, and ram!
Life can be such a sick bitch, I mean theatre!
PUTTING THIS IN HIS CARD:
You are no longer my valentine.
I’ve played the pick me dance for the last time,
Cuz you wanted a sweet young honey,
to bad all she wanted was your money.
When we said I DO it thought it was for the rest of our life,
and I guess that cost you your awesome wife.
I filed for divorce, Papers enclosed…………………….
This is beautiful! Happy Valentine’s Day
Many thanks Schmoopie!
His lies are now your problem.
Good luck with that shit.
Rode your bike to work,
So she could check out your junk,
Through tight grape smugglers.
Omg that’s hilarious! What a dork.
Thank you. ????
Chumps are for keeps, Lovers are for gives…
My family planned big party for his birthday
While I’m driving there he called collect to say
I had a “massage” now I’m in jail
Cops arrested me will you arrange my bail
I’m mortified to say I picked him up the next day
Please be clean he said
Craiglist M4M
I am spleechless +2 (for the haiku)
There once was a cheater named Dick
That begins the perfect limrick
He wasn’t just a dick
He is seriously sick
And now I am free from his prick
He says he bi, not gay
I don’t care
We were done at DDay
There was a sad chick from the hood
Who thought she would steal Chumpie’s wood
But instead of a pecker
That slutty young fecker
Got nothing, and that’s as she should.
It’s been a year
I’m so happy alone
Who’d a thunk it
when you shot that deer
was it because it too was
“manipulative”
Lol! In his mind I am sure even a chair was manipulating him.
I have a lot of deer on my property and in the summer I pick plums from my plum tree and put them on the ground so the deer can eat them. There was a heavily pregnant deer over the summer and we would play “deer bowling.” She would lay on a slightly raised area in the garden and was too heavy to get up. So we would stand 30 feet away and roll the plums to get them close to her mouth. The goal was to get them close to her mouth so she didn’t have stand stand up on her tiny legs and lumber over to get the plums on the ground. So, there she sat, like a Roman Empress, as we rolled plums her way and watched her eat them. She gave birth to two beautiful fawns later. She was a beautiful and gentle doe. I am a friend to deer.
What a beautiful story! I am so glad to meet a fellow friend of the deer.
(To the best of my knowledge, the monster has not shot any deer. But he became obsessed with antlers to clone the OW. Was thinking about this when I fell asleep last night – woke up with this nearly fully formed in my mind.)
I married a man from Mass
I didn’t know that he liked so much ass
He wasn’t a bore
Until he saw all his whores
Now I’m glad that it’s all in the past
Clap, oh clap, get it
In a snap and your dick hurts.
No pussy for you!
There once was a man who drove a Rolls Royce,
He said, “Polyamory is a normal lifestyle choice,”
His wife put his Grey Poupon in his underwear,
And mingled his favorite mustard with pubic hair,
Then she gained a life away from him and did rejoice!
I once was married
I think his name was Terry
Who are you again?
You claimed to be concerned
With the morals men should have
You’re not who you say
We don’t share values.
But then again, how could we?
Clearly, you have none.
An ex wife I’ll tell you about,
Hiked her skirt for a smooth talking lout.
Much to her surprise,
His promises? Lies!
He’s *still* married and she’s long thrown out.
No Virginia,there is no Unicorn.
As a wife in the dark,
With no opportunity to understand snark,
Babysitting all alone,
I think she would appreciate a phone,
Please…send her your arc.
As long as he has cake
a divorce he’ll never take.
The ex seems quite content
as a side dish for some rent,
with dreams of coming out of hiding
into the sunset riding.
And so they keep it all down low
Thinking no one’s in the know.
If of their trysts I tell,
his wife will leave him sure as hell
and there the creep will be
right in with my children three.
And so as much as she ought know,
it won’t be me who tells her so.
Ethically this is the skids
but has kept him from my kids.
Cheat with a cheater.
There’s no honor among thieves.
Doubt him forever.
Forge your own downfall.
Feign the innocent victim.
Find no sympathy.
Good one!
There once was a small human named Justin
Whose nuts were a’ constantly
There once was a small human named Justin
Whose nuts were a’constantly bustin’
With sad women and porn.
With the assistance of Schorn,
That he sucks is what I’m now trustin’.
New attorney now.
POOF! Surprise, Motherfucker!
:::DMX barking:::
https://youtu.be/be22lkEpZc0
OMG you rhymed Schorn!
: ) Had to. My infidelity journey would not be complete without your help to get me to “Meh.” (Which I can happily say that I have recently reached!) Thanks for all your dedication to helping people see the reality of these shitty people we were/are bonded to. As an aside, we are wired to bond to other people. That’s why we feel like we are going to die when we are forced to unbond from these parasites. It helped me to realize that it was just a piece of my alligator brain triggering old evolutionary mechanisms that no longer apply in today’s society. Shut up, alligator brain. Ima live! and even better than before!
There once was a cruel hearted prick
Who fell in love with his own dick
It took her some time
Then his wife was just fine
And ended the marriage real quick
There once was a girl that was pretty
Who married a douchebag so shitty
When his misses got sick,
He ran off – what a dick!
To go bang some “old friend” in Sioux City.
While you sat and masturbated
I became emancipated
The chick you always chumped
Your stupid ass has dumped
.….forced celibacy’s…..overrated…..
love it Freer Every Day!
highbrow name of narcs
origin of smelly farts
anal apertures
__________________
valentines alone
my insecurities honed
….now…..celebrated…..
The world feels unsafe
the person I trusted most
was not who I thought
The karma truck came
I don’t really feel for you
I’ve mourned you already
No remorse, regrets or apologetic letter
I’m learning I deserve better
So tell your fuckwit, stalking chick
She can have your limp, malfunctioning dick
Oh…and I’ll be keeping Cheddar
(Cheddar is my beloved Siamese)
There once was a couple from Laos
Who each thought their spouse was a louse
He continually bitched
Till she finally got pissed
And thru him straight out of the house
My ex husband Rick
Had a very flirty Dick
No shame, no Apologie
Got him adored with schmoopie prize
Oh wait, On this lovely day he celebrates anniversary
No extra for her face surgery.
Thank you, I’m out.
Sorry, that was mean. I am so glad I left him.
My ex husband Rick
Had a very flirty Dick
No shame, no apologize
Got him adored with schmoopie prize
Oh wait, On this lovely day he celebrates anniversary
No extra for her face surgery.
Thank you, I’m out.
Sorry, that was mean. I am so glad I left him.
He wrote love letters to an ex
Then I wondered what would be next
On cougar life I found a picture of his cock
Idiot forgot his text display on lock
I hyjacked all his social media, sat in my car, and kicked him out by text
I should have trusted you suck
I didn’t and what a mindfuck
Go screw your AP
So glad it’s not me
All I can say is good luck
As certain as dogs bark
Narcs narc.
While a dog will be your best friend
Until the end
A Narc will feed you to a shark.
Leave A Cheater Gain A Life
Read my posts, see that Tracy is right.
On Valentines Day take up the fight
Pack your things and book a flight!
Forever keeper that cheater out of sight!
Correction:
keep, not keeper, geeesh
He said they were just friends.
Thousands of texts say he lies.
I filed for divorce.
————————–
Actions speak louder
Than words ever do. I must
Never forget this.
————————–
There was a husband who joined a bike club.
They also drank lots of beer in a brew pub.
He became “just friends” with a girl on the team
Who loves drinking and biking and him, it seems.
And now he’s no longer my hub-a-dub-dub.
Haiku:
I wanted to live!
Happily ever after.
So I had to leave.
Love this ❤️
Your words I read with great woe
A wife is not what they show
The picture you painted
Now filthy and tainted
A pity that All will now know
So, You thought that you had us all fooled
A surprise when you finally got schooled
With No home to run to
Ina 5th-wheel You now screw
O’er one dick of many you’ve drooled
Brought her to our home
Walked her past our Christmas tree
To fuck in our bed
There is a special place in hell for the cheaters who bring APs into our houses and into our beds. Unforgivable pieces of shit. And that is an insult to shit.
My life free of you is a joy
No longer your optional toy.
It’s full steam ahead.
How I love my own bed!
My soul’s not yours to destroy.
***
Our friends think you’re a good guy;
From them you would hide, tell lies.
But I have clear sight,
In you there’s no light.
I’ll share all I know bye ‘n bye.
***
When your penis went soft once again,
You claimed I’d lost confidence in—
But you never said what;
You knew you’d been caught
Fallen flaccidly off porn’s wagon
***
There once was a dick so rapacious,
It slutted with gals all nameless.
You played sleight of hand,
Claimed high moral stand,
While I schemed my exit audacious.
***
There once was narc, a covert,
An addict of sex and pervert.
I almost went under
My spark his to plunder.
Free now and my joy’s his hair-shirt.
Magnificent!
To ponder your lies
Is to shudder, turn and run.
Your way is not mine.
***
Pixels over me.
If that was you relating,
My words: “Not enough.”
***
Naïve is not dumb:
Your ED my fault, you said.
Go gaslight yourself.
***
Your mask slipped, then tore.
“Because you judge!” you accused.
Clanged closed, my heart’s door.
***
You said I get you.
Ah, but you are not your mask.
Getting ain’t wanting.
***
Signs shone everywhere,
your unchecked perfidy. Lights
on my exit ramp.
Brilliant!
My second entry:
You said “but it was just a stupid mistake!”
“Why can’t I stay here and have my cake?”
You always pushed, but now have gone too far
Went and picked up filthy randos in a bar
And I now realize what you call “love” is fake
I had no idea so many like you existed,
Thank god for C.Ns examination of twisted,
On the ground I”d lain down,
And in self recriminations,tears,and crippling pain drowned,
But then i found CN,and you were EVICTED!.
Following the shock of D’Day
Everyone comment they thought he was gay.
Though he’ll refuse to confirm
His preference for sperm
For me, it is Meh all the way.
There is a man called Fuckwit,
Who duped his poor Wife to suck it,
When she finally found him out,
Her wit sneakily entitled him to financial nowt,
All he can say now is FUCK IT!
i love you all C.N(well excepting the Barrys of course)
All of those bouquets
Were never gifts, but bribes to
Overlook your sins.
Schmoopie can take you
for your colonoscopy
she will say, “Ewww…gross!”
Lawyer not sailor
Get that nautical tattoo…
boat already sold
Lawyer not sailor
Got that nautical tattoo
boat already sold
Lied to Schmoopie, too
Gave me her Gmail password
to tell you to fuck off
No way you can be
smarter than me if I have
all your money now
And,lets not forget odes to skanky ho’s…..skanky Ho”mage?
Your crystals were a”jangling,
because you spent so much wasted time banging,
You could have just said!,
How much happier I could have been,had he chosen your bed,
And you”d not have to have left your own kid”s hangin.
On Craigslist, you bragged you were “hung”.
Years of trysts, with all manner of dung.
Now your dick doesn’t work,
Just an old, ugly jerk…
…and I’m single and sexy and young!
Sounds like we have a similar situation. Freakin a-holes going online for bullish-t when they have the neat things they ever will and they deserted us. Ehhh
You asked if I wanted to swing.
Bewildered, I showed you my ring.
So you f*cked other couples,
From a website for cuckolds.
Took your ass to the cleaners….cha-CHING!
????
One of my faves!
????????????
With reason ever so clear
I now loathe the 3rd of April each year
Your (W)hor(e)izontal intrusions
Leave me to a long, hard road
But one MUCH higher…
…However,..
I, still, would not even piss in your ear
If your head was on fire.
The price of your love?
Thirty pieces of silver
And a new Harley.
Happy Valentine’s I got you a skillet
Cuz in the kitchen babe, you really kill it
Oh, the charge on the card?
For HER diamond quite large!?
I have a NEED and you’ve just never filled it!
funny,Tuesday Meh,hope that resale price only buys her a shitty coffee,over which she contemplates
where her empty soul has left her…
Such a thoughtful gift
I better get to Wal-mart
I love the towel rack!
Some late entries:
Scorched Earth
In the charred dirt where
marriage like a chain bound me,
wildflowers bloom.
Burning Love Letters
These pages tossed in flame
create warmth and light for the
first and only time.
Clockwork Roses
Dozens at the door—
each slender stem a lie; each
clawed thorn a cryptic truth.