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The Infidelity Valentine’s Day Poetry Contest

Happy February, CN! It’s nearly Valentine’s Day, or as some have been known to call it “Single Awareness Day.” If you’re feeling a bit adrift with all the mylar heart balloons and syrupy sentiment out there…. consider snark!

Yes, it’s time once again for our Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest where we remember the less fortunate — the poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.

So send me a poem! Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience.

Please no lugubrious long-form verse — keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)

The winners get inscribed copies of my book (I’ll ship anywhere). I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day.

To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.

I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.

A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.

There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys

Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems.

You have until Sunday, February 12 to send submissions.

Way to start the week, stabbing Cupid… Bring it, CN!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I once had a dumb wife who screwed
    a dumb-ass, a dick, and a dude.
    She wasn’t particular
    About things testicular
    She’d fuck anything that’d protrude.

  • I once used to say
    “I hate the way you treat me.”
    No more need to say.

  • Bitter Valentine Snark. I look forward to this so much. Like Xmas felt when you were four.

    Bring it Chump Nation!!!

    • I know.
      I am soooo bad at this, but I love seeing what everyone here writes.

  • I had an ex wife called Vicky,
    Who lied to the nth degree,
    She wanted some cock,
    Unconcerned by the stock,
    It all left me feeling rather sicky.

  • As soon as I had paid for your schools
    You went out and found some new tools
    Your own money you could now make
    And there was nothing left of me to take
    Now, I’m still your #1…but just in a series of fools

  • I apologise in advance as I’m terrible with this sort of thing but joining in for the fun of it.

    He left without much warning,
    I could feel my head spinning.
    Then my head went ding,
    He left for a fling.
    Now without him I’m winning

  • My ex wanted excitement
    Unfortunately he had to buy it
    They were quite alike
    Dickheads and shite
    They ended up with each other so their shite

    Poetry isn’t my thing, least I tryed

  • I was depress, means I don’t love you.
    Said by the one who didn’t stay true.
    Too lost, too sad, and too empty.
    Our marriage no longer made you happy?
    and your affair was something you’re due?

    Screw you!

  • Dr Narc slept with a patient with PTSD
    And you asked me for my pity
    It’s now so easy for me to see
    That you do not value me
    I’m working each day to be mighty!

    • Updated version:
      Dr Narc slept with a patient with PTSD
      And you asked me for my pity
      It’s now so easy to see
      That you do not value me
      I’m working hard each day to be mighty!!

  • He ran off with a fat ugly cow.
    Last Valentines she gave him cacao.
    But this Valentines I’m beaming,
    It’s SHE he’s giving the reaming.
    You can have him you hideous sow.

  • There once was an AP called D
    Who’s boyfriend lied and said his wife was a B
    The wife found out and gave out a shout
    you are both F ing C’s

  • I now know what you meant
    Went said you needed space to vent
    I threw you out quick
    When you tried a new dick
    I hope you now live in a tent

  • I suspected all along
    That he wanted to give you his schalong
    He was a flea bag galore
    Is on wife number four
    And now you sing a sad song

  • A man whose lies were off the scale
    told all who would listen a tale
    which went “woe is me,
    she’s SOOOO mean, you see…”
    to justify chasing new tail.

    Absent of remorse,
    he stuck his penis right in
    every hole he found.

  • You told me you wanted male friendship
    So you helped a Mexican get his citizenship
    He payed you by screwing you
    He told you “I am not leaving my wife for you”
    Now you are a member of the “divorce ship”

  • Previous winner here so I’ve got the book,but just for fun…

    There once was a cheater named Peter
    Who juggled a harem of whores
    He’s sly and he’s slick
    To service his dick
    Here’s hoping it’s covered in sores.

    • To DeeDee:

      My ex was named Peter. But, I call him Dick Devious. He gave me HPV that the OW gave him. Wonder if it’s the same Peter or if they were both just being peters.
      Evidently, Peters and peters get around, no?

      (Not a poem. Just a comment)

  • My ex is a shameless love bomber,
    He used this skill to con her,
    Her name was Champane,
    She thinks he’ll make it rain,
    I’m so glad he’s a gone-er.

  • I saw that new guy you skrew I hear he’s all done with you ,
    Now you want to come back home ’cause your afraid to be alone
    I am not your door mat
    got new life and that is that . (Sung to the tune of the Christmas Carole “Gloria “)

      • Thank you! Singing wise I can use all I help I can get! Hey! Just a thought…maybe ,if we get enough voices, we could all go Chumpmas caroling!

  • He thought he was king of the gym
    She taught bikes and flashed him her quim
    He tore the family apart
    Just to be with his tart
    Now he’s broke and his future is grim

  • I married a man with a pecker
    He used it as a home wrecker
    Now he sits home alone
    With his fist on his bone
    Now I’m happy without that fat fecker

  • I once had a wife named Leslie
    Whose lies would only depress me
    And when she did bed
    Men she had not wed
    I dumped her and became more stress free

  • It’s been so long now, I really dont care
    When you had your tawdry affair
    You had always been abusive
    So no great loss when she became your new Mrs…
    But she pressed charges and now you’re alone with no hair

  • “I’m still married”, he said
    “You can’t have your ring back”-instead-
    “I’ll wear it with pride
    ’til you’re no longer my Bride
    I’m a good guy” (who just wanted
    strange head)

  • There was a homewrecker named Yi
    Took my ex on a dumpling spree
    Hundreds of dollars he spent
    But not a penny for rent
    Now he mooches off her and not me

  • See, you fell from grace
    Hon, you ain’t no unicorn
    That’s why we’re divorced

    • There once was a redhead with curls,
      Whose husband screwed a young girl,
      She bought an old house,
      Got over her spouse,
      and cares more about plaster than him.

  • I told you my soul mate was she
    A woman who was our employee
    Our marriage I then threw away
    So I could seize my new day
    And too fucking bad you disagree!

  • There once was an asshole named Chris
    Thought we were in wedded bliss
    Turns out he loves porn
    Strokes his dick all forlorn
    So here I am taking the piss

  • You left for pussy
    leaving me PTSD
    She left you for dick

    I heard your whore left
    Did you threaten to kill her
    like you did with me

    People’s lives damaged
    and she left you anyway
    you’re too old for more

    Wasband is sad as fuck
    The whore he left me for a fuck
    Has dumped his silly ass
    looking for greener grass
    leaving him old, gray and ugly and yuck

    I heard your slut left you alone
    to cry all alone with your bone
    Good news is you’re older
    You look shit I told ya
    “Died single” will grace your gravestone

  • X was seen online
    Not my problem now
    Cheaters never stop

    P.S.backstory: my good friend is on Bumble. Yesterday a pic of XH popped into her feed. His pic was from when we were together (5+ years and 80 lbs ago) before he lost his health and vitality. He’s in a “committed” relationship and living with the young gold digging whore he left our family for. Karma’s a bitch! Baahaaahaaa ????????????????????????.

    P.S.A. If you are on Bumble in the PNW and see a average-looking blonde haired 51 year old wide smiling attorney holding a cup of coffee take a hard PASS!

    • Haaaaaaha!!! Man, this makes me scared to use dating apps. I bet all the cheater freaks are on there

      • My cheater freak was on dating apps.
        His profile made me laugh. I don’t know who he was describing but it wasn’t him. He’s so full of shit, said he enjoys going to concerts. I lived with him for 25 years, we never went to a concert. He never mentioned going to a concert and if I suggested going he’d list all the reasons why we shouldn’t go.., there would be a lot of people, we have to drive home, there might be traffic.. He didn’t like leaving the house. He also said he loves Sunday drives and weekend getaways, visiting out of the way towns. . He hated driving anywhere. The two or three weekend trips we went on in 25 years, he was miserable, refused to stop the car so we could use the restroom.
        Then there were his photos, wearing muscle shirts, flexing his biceps, face to the side, trying to look like he didn’t know the photo was being taken. I laughed out loud at he comments he made next to each one. I was almost embarrassed for him.

  • Down the long aisle we strode
    Thought I married a prince, not a toad
    What’s that you say?
    All my faults made you stray?
    Hope she likes riding your chode

  • You thought you could fly but you’re blown
    They’ll write “died single” on your gravestone
    your penis is old
    your charm’s full of mould
    and she’s left for some other man’s bone

  • Wish I had the sense
    to not feel sad that she left
    but I’m not like you

    You look like shit now
    Can you love bomb at your age
    without your good looks

  • Can’t emphasize enough you’re the worst
    Served your dick to the girls like bratwurst
    Did you make them all cum?
    Haha, you’re such a fucking bum
    Step aside, I’m now putting ME first

  • Good Lord this is so cathartic! Thanks CL and CN for reading my vicious thoughts, lol. Hope we all get some well-deserved release from this little exercise. ❤️

  • Don’t sweat the small things, he always said
    How do I react to your small penis boning a whore in my bed?
    I filed in 2 weeks just to be free
    It’s ok baby, blame it on me
    Your whore can now keep you and your little dick head

  • We both know you’re an empty shell
    and a sociopath and going to hell
    well you mirrored her too
    but she’s a narc just like you
    You’re too old to get out your new hell

  • There once was a sparkle-dick master
    Whose love-bombing turned into disaster
    now she’s the one stuck
    with that old mother f**k
    and I’m happy alone ever after

  • You left a loving…
    Oh look, your twat fucked around!
    wife who had your back

    I’m told that you’re miserable as fuck
    and debating coming back to try your luck
    Well I’m not that damn stupid
    I found better friends than you did
    and I’m rocking my world you pathetic Schmuck

  • He dated a Russian goldigger
    On his marriage he then pulled the trigger
    I his wife got the hump
    The young Russian a bump
    He’ll be cleaned out is all I can snigger!

  • Even though your cock was dead
    You found a sucker you tried to wed

    She left you flat
    Now you’re chasing young twat
    Even though you’re an ugly old ghoul

  • She had many accusations quite bizarre.
    I told her one more and you have gone to far.
    So she accursed an illegitimate child I did sire.
    But this was a complete impossibility.
    The child’s birth was eight years after my vasectomy.
    Now I am free of this delusional narc liar.

  • As she went for walk.
    To take on a cock.
    She said it was all my fault.
    Now they are done.
    She had her fun.
    And that was her last assault.

  • There once was a sad man
    who thought he had a great plan,
    He’d treat his wife like dirt
    While he ate cake and flirt.
    But she said No Way.
    Packed up, made him pay.
    Now he’s mad and alone
    Left by himself, whining into his phone.

  • Turns out your soul mate
    also has bad character
    and left. No surprise!

    I feel sad for the
    children involved in the three
    marriages you broke

      • She was married, so that’s two and AFAIK he’s just divorced her.

        I’m no contact so can’t be 100% sure.
        Accidentally heard it through the grapevine ;-P.

  • You’ve no personality of your own
    it’s the person you’re with that you clone
    Now she’s left for his dick
    and you’re getting old and sick
    no supply when you’re all on your own

  • She began acting all shady,
    We could get through this, reconcile maybe?
    alas, with regret,
    I should have bet,
    that within weeks she’d be having his baby.

  • Goodbye to the mind fuck, lies and deceit.
    The only truth was when you told me
    You were hungry, horny or needed to pee.

    • (BTW–I got to know his second wife (a lovely woman that he cheated on, along with his first wife and every other girl/woman he was involved with his entire life).

      The last line of the above poem was something I’d said to him many times. One day I was speaking with W#2 and she, unprompted, volunteered she’d had the SAME EXACT summation of him to me. Talk about chump solidarity that gave us a good, bonding laugh! 🙂

  • Way back when I married a plumber
    Couldn’t see there was nobody dumber
    He could not tame his zipper
    Ran off with a stripper
    And now I’m a bright up-and-comer

  • Double barrel:

    There once was a cheater named Dick

    His wife finally clocked all his schtick

    He’ll get 300k
    But doesn’t want to say
    That discovery is done, so won’t settle.

    So back to the lawyers she goes. Another 10k down the drain.

    But one things for sure, it’s not very pure

    Would be easier if he’d just go away.

  • It was rather shocking to find
    several teenagers with which you were entwined
    you’d already bought a ring
    made sure I’d found everything
    motherfucker you’re one of a kind

  • You thought staying married was foregone

    So you didn’t care that your whore I threw light upon

    Then you thought I was bad
    Now you has the sadz

    Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

  • No we can’t be friends
    My friends do not cheat and lie
    I’d say if I spoke

    (RePosted with a correction)

  • What you did was essentially torture,
    emotional abuse, and debaucher
    now I’ve gained the knowledge
    and it is to my advantage
    I’ve successfully fixed my damn picker

    I could pity you
    but I’m too busy with life
    and you’re still a narc

  • My beloved fiancé Kathryn,
    Hooked-up with some dude at Days Inn,
    As a result of this fling,
    I got back my ring,
    And she got a new little munchkin.

  • A narcissist’s one oddball ruse
    is leaving their stuff when they vamoose
    I was ahead of your game
    and feel no shame
    for discarding your return excuse

  • In hindsight it’s funny these hoes
    have no chance in keeping their Joes
    once they’ve gone fucking
    there’s no way they’re stopping
    entitlement eventually shows

  • Dear God up above,
    What did I see in that narc?
    Alone is better.

    Thank you schmoopie-ho.
    You took out the trash for me.
    No more nurse or purse.

    I laugh last and best.
    Endless possibilities.
    Not living in fear.

    There once was a cheater named ass hole
    He left for an adulterous whore troll
    At first I was mad,
    Then I got glad.
    A fuckwit free life is my goal.

  • X has balls made of silicone
    Absolutely NO testosterone
    His whole life is a fake
    Which I could not take
    Karma assures me he’ll die all alone

  • To the Chlorine Special (formerly Rider of the Purple Dildo), in honor of the 2019 wedding:

    For stimulation, she will egg you.
    For adulation, she will beg you.
    Good luck with that station.
    A small consolation:
    If you’re a good boy, she will peg you.


    To my ex, in honor of the apparent abandonment of the “sexual evolution podcast” that was being planning for 2019 —

    In drumming up buzz for the podcasts,
    And spotlighting both of your odd pasts,
    They ain’t so spellbinding.
    I trust you’re now finding:
    Who cares how long R-P-D’s rod lasts?

  • You suggested polyamory
    after seeing her magnificent mammories.
    Screwing her when supposed to be at work,
    apparently twu wuv can twerk.
    Thanks for the ptsd memories.

  • Now the chum(p) is gone
    Won’t be your shark bait no more
    Hope you get harpooned

  • To her, he was just a friend
    Her story until the end
    Yes she had an affair
    No, she didn’t care
    In fact, there wasn’t just one but ten

    • Ding dong, the dick is GONE,
      Now my walls all sing along!!

      (Correction from above)

  • Neither a limerick nor a Haiku, but here goes …

    May burning piles torment you
    And corns adorn your feet
    And crabs as big as crocodiles,
    Crawl ’round your ass and eat
    And when you’re old and feeble
    And mind a total wreck,
    May your head fall through your asshole
    And break your f!@#$g neck!

  • The ex had a mistress called Vikki
    Who found fellatio incredibly tricky
    As she lifted his belly
    His crotch was so smelly
    It made her terribly sickie

  • You cheated, and then you got caught.
    Said you were sorry- you’re not.
    But you’re gonna need luck
    To catch the next f*^k
    Because fat, bald, and limp ain’t so “hot.”

  • I’m no poet, but for fun!! 🙂

    Have to admit that it was a shock,
    Found my husband likes to suck cock.
    Hid his double life
    From his loving wife,
    And now his head’s on the block.

  • Aroma of olde prawn
    Single blonde hair
    wrapped around gear stick
    Wellies in car boot
    and Natterjack toad ponds blamed

    • And suddenly my world fell apart
      All cause of some stupid old tart
      And a partner, who it seems
      Pursued his wet dreams
      But I gather I made it all start.????

  • I was working full time for my mate.
    His girlfriend from Oz was named Kate.
    He used all my cash
    for her cheap piece of ass
    And now he is too poor to date!

  • Three marriages down, and
    I’ve fooled this clown.

    “You made me orgasm” she’d wrote,
    The Proof now confirmed in her quote.

    The Judge smiled, “The plaintiffs unbound”.

  • “I’m sorry, so sorry” she said to my son
    After my husband and his father she’d won
    Ok now I said it
    So forgive me damn it
    You really thing that’s all it takes and you’re done?

  • The casual way
    you delivered a death threat
    I did not notice

    Changing the house locks
    and telling you I did it
    may have saved my life

  • The fucker would throw out my stuff
    then lovingly help me while calling my bluff
    well it’s good that you left
    I’ve not lost anything yet
    and your Hoe’s busy losing her stuff

  • You thought fucking her would make life happy
    Now she and your son are both unhappy
    She demands that he like her
    But he’d rather bite her
    Don’t blame me if you’re now feeling crappy

  • You thought life with her would be better
    Now she leads you around by your pecker
    You scratched at that itch
    Now you’re stuck with the bitch
    Yeah that’s karma, get used to it sucker

  • Ode to the Cheating Ex:

    The bottle she does like to drink
    No humility – eyes full of stink
    The mistress of DARVO
    May they both rot with parvo
    I fly upward, not even watching them sink

  • Once upon a time…

    Thou hath a penis in the land of free,
    Methinks thee a cheater, hence I yare see.

    Naytheless no remorse,
    Hereupon a quick divorce.

    Tuesday cometh, O meh is me.

  • My love for that woman was true,
    But the problems began with `I do’,
    Despite all she said,
    When she got near a bed,
    There was not a man she wouldn’t screw.

  • You play stupid games. . .
    Fool around behind my back,
    Win stupid prizes.

  • For months and months I was the one to blame
    She was running around with a loser fuck with no shame
    I guess she liked his gambling addiction
    But the relationship he had with his wife cause some friction
    Now she’s upset because I am no longer playing the pick me game

  • When your wife starts to let herself go
    Prepare to give her the old heave-ho
    Get hair plugs and start to mingle
    Doesn’t matter that you’re not yet single
    Line up new options by flashing your dough

  • I married and bred with this nerd
    Unloved, unseen and unheard
    But not so for the narc
    He fucked drunk in the dark
    Then proceeded to worship, the turd.

  • Covert versus overt
    I could have seen you coming
    if I thought that way

    I garner so much of delight
    In photos where my smile is just bright
    I’m free as a bird
    and I know you’re a turd
    and my new life is filled with much light

    • Bitter funny and short
      He sure loves to drive his big Ford
      This cheater of mine
      He sure loves to dine
      On a nameless pussy called whore

  • There was a limerick in the Band of Brothers series I recently binged on- the pentameter of which I cannot get out of my head.
    Tracy, I’m loving this challenge BTW…so here’s how…ML

    I thought that I’d found me a-diamond ????,
    So sorry… she’s only a whore.
    I’m waking up now with my Beagles,
    …content that I’m growing once more.

    They don’t give diseases, while down on their kneezes…suckin’ the cock of another,
    Nor empty my wallet and then choose to Call It,
    while dreamin’of fuckin’ her brother.

    No Contact’s You’re freedom!, See!,…you stopped the bleedin’, yelled Tracy- Now swim for the shore!
    I’ll see you on Tuesday,…when you See A New Way,
    And your heart is healed to its core.

  • I’m prefacing this by saying that the happy couple has a joint facebook page announcing their engagement last March, and we’re not yet divorced.

    The purple lipsticked whore, Melis
    Pledged her troth with a kiss
    Look at ME, I won the prize!
    (of MY husband with the lying eyes)
    Look at them, they think they’re funky!
    All she “won” is a fucking junkie

  • Pay back She’s a coming
    The day I cannot say

    She’ll want her due amended
    You’ll be the one to pay

    Excuse’ll bear no favor
    her wrath will not be swayed

    For You She’s come, you cannot run
    For hearts That you’ve betrayed

  • He was a covert narc abuser
    Who cried he was an unlucky loser
    In his wife he did not see
    How good a woman could be
    With next husband she sure had fixed her chooser

  • My husband was really a louse
    spent most of his time out the house
    didnt occur to me then, he made two baby twins
    and their mother thought she was his spouse

  • Porn to assist masturbation
    Stripper and hooker intoxication
    My ex is a slime
    His lying divine
    My middle finger as salutations

  • There once was a cheater named Rick.
    I found out he was a real sick.
    He spent all our money
    On some teenage honey.
    I guess he only thinks with his dick.

  • There once was an elderly narc
    who kept half of his life in the dark.
    Since I found out her name
    my career’s not been the same
    but I’ve learned to swim faster than sharks.

    • my old jackass ray
      brayed for a strange young buxom lay
      …money gone she ran away

  • On Dday I had an epiphany!
    Our marriage was shit because Tiffany.
    He was her boss.
    This is his loss
    Now half of his earnings he’ll gift to me.

    On the altar you gave me your word
    But it was alcohol that you preferred
    Finally sober you got
    Then you fucked a new twat
    Just proves you can’t polish a turd

    You’re fucked in the head.
    You were fucking strange for years.
    Now go fuck yourself.

  • She thought she could take my man’s money
    So she started to tempt him with honey,
    but when she tried to fellate
    her technique he did hate
    Which I thought was really quite funny

  • A lazy cheater couldn’t pay bills
    He blew all his money on thrills
    He found a niave fuck
    Who thought “what luck!”
    But it’s only cuz she lived down the hill

    He met her while we were eating a meal
    She thought “ooo a chef what a deal!”
    But if she had looked
    She’d realize he’s just a cook
    I’ll let her keep sucking that eel

    I was concerned he wasn’t coming to bed
    Was worried “Maybe he’s off his meds?”
    But he had some kitten
    With which he was smitten
    And was happy receiving strange head

  • There once was a dude who seemed awesome
    But was really a skank who played possum.
    One ho’s panties I found
    Then his game went to ground
    And he’s not here to see me fucking blossom.

    I don’t regret the decade plus that I lost
    I might regret the stupid debt that it cost
    Because I left him and I learnt
    At least his feelings are so burnt
    But the ice queen just hits him with frost


    There once was a dude from a place
    Who wanted many to sit on his face
    Ignored and shamed his hardworking wife
    ‘collected’ tastes of every flavour and spice
    And is now Curious why I left without a trace

    The gaslight. gaslight.
    I didn’t gaslight… dummy.
    But… I gaslighted

    Ho hub still reads this web page
    Let’s me know I’m in a f’kn cage
    His dick it did wander
    I hope he found something blonder
    And this poem will spark some dumb rage.

  • Such this a strange sanctuary,
    What good fortune could this bring?
    For the truth that I long,
    Breaks a new dawn
    Perhaps redemptions dim gleam.

  • We used to say,
    We choose each other
    Each new day.
    That was half true:
    I chose you
    And you did too.

    (Neither a limerick nor a haiku, but at least it’s short.)

  • That old cheater and narc
    who kept this chump in the dark
    will never be a friend
    no contact will never end
    all he deserves is snark

  • I cleaned my bathtub.
    Came home to find a whore’s pube.
    On my brand new soap.

  • The doctor turned 50 and worried
    I’d better fuck young in a hurry
    So he found a Christian, a nurse
    She said, “stick it in, for purse!”
    She got the bag, he got the hag,
    And I got my life back, not sad!

  • There once was a cheater who claimed
    That cupid’s arrow was aimed
    At a self-serving skank
    So he needed to wank
    Behind the wife’s back, who was maimed.

  • There once was a redhead with curls,
    Whose husband screwed a young girl,
    She bought an old house,
    Got over her spouse,
    and cares more about plaster than him.

  • Hickory dickery dock
    She probably did suck your cock
    I had no idea you were dating
    While at our home I was waiting
    Thinking you had just lost your clock.

  • There once was a narcissist phony
    Who thought he couldn’t possibly owe me
    His argument was a fail
    The judge sent him to jail
    Now the wifetress pays his back alimony

    • That put a smile on my face. It’s proof that the rarely seen Instant Karma DOES EXIST!

  • When a tingle becomes a chill
    You go find strange, that’s the drill.
    You follow a familiar pattern,
    To lie and cheat – your semens a’ scatterin’
    I raise my glass to your life’s battles, hoping it’s all uphill.

    • There once was a man from Savannah
      Whose dick was shaped like a banana
      He showed it about
      To too many to count
      All his vows were just propaganda

  • It’s been ten long years
    Since you left “to be happy”.
    Why can’t you quit me?

  • You thought a younger wife would look cool.
    But really you look like an old fool.
    When you come down with dementia,
    I’ll be happy I sent ya’
    away, and Schmoopie can wipe off your drool.

    • He came to our wedding
      My wife he was bedding
      They hid it well
      They both can go to hell
      wait till he realizes what he’s getting

      • He came to our wedding
        My wife he was bedding
        They hid it well
        They both can go to hell
        Wait till they find out what they’re getting

  • There once was a man named Peter,
    It just so happened he was also a cheater,
    The skank gave him her STD clam,
    Oh boy, did they ram, and ram, and ram!
    Life can be such a sick bitch, I mean theatre!


    You are no longer my valentine.
    I’ve played the pick me dance for the last time,
    Cuz you wanted a sweet young honey,
    to bad all she wanted was your money.
    When we said I DO it thought it was for the rest of our life,
    and I guess that cost you your awesome wife.
    I filed for divorce, Papers enclosed…………………….

  • Many thanks Schmoopie!
    His lies are now your problem.
    Good luck with that shit.

  • Rode your bike to work,
    So she could check out your junk,
    Through tight grape smugglers.

  • My family planned big party for his birthday
    While I’m driving there he called collect to say
    I had a “massage” now I’m in jail
    Cops arrested me will you arrange my bail
    I’m mortified to say I picked him up the next day

  • There once was a cheater named Dick
    That begins the perfect limrick
    He wasn’t just a dick
    He is seriously sick
    And now I am free from his prick

  • There was a sad chick from the hood
    Who thought she would steal Chumpie’s wood
    But instead of a pecker
    That slutty young fecker
    Got nothing, and that’s as she should.

    • Lol! In his mind I am sure even a chair was manipulating him.

      I have a lot of deer on my property and in the summer I pick plums from my plum tree and put them on the ground so the deer can eat them. There was a heavily pregnant deer over the summer and we would play “deer bowling.” She would lay on a slightly raised area in the garden and was too heavy to get up. So we would stand 30 feet away and roll the plums to get them close to her mouth. The goal was to get them close to her mouth so she didn’t have stand stand up on her tiny legs and lumber over to get the plums on the ground. So, there she sat, like a Roman Empress, as we rolled plums her way and watched her eat them. She gave birth to two beautiful fawns later. She was a beautiful and gentle doe. I am a friend to deer.

      • What a beautiful story! I am so glad to meet a fellow friend of the deer.

        (To the best of my knowledge, the monster has not shot any deer. But he became obsessed with antlers to clone the OW. Was thinking about this when I fell asleep last night – woke up with this nearly fully formed in my mind.)

  • I married a man from Mass
    I didn’t know that he liked so much ass
    He wasn’t a bore
    Until he saw all his whores
    Now I’m glad that it’s all in the past

  • There once was a man who drove a Rolls Royce,
    He said, “Polyamory is a normal lifestyle choice,”
    His wife put his Grey Poupon in his underwear,
    And mingled his favorite mustard with pubic hair,
    Then she gained a life away from him and did rejoice!

  • I once was married
    I think his name was Terry
    Who are you again?

    You claimed to be concerned
    With the morals men should have
    You’re not who you say

  • We don’t share values.
    But then again, how could we?
    Clearly, you have none.

  • An ex wife I’ll tell you about,
    Hiked her skirt for a smooth talking lout.
    Much to her surprise,
    His promises? Lies!
    He’s *still* married and she’s long thrown out.

    • No Virginia,there is no Unicorn.

      As a wife in the dark,
      With no opportunity to understand snark,
      Babysitting all alone,
      I think she would appreciate a phone,
      Please…send her your arc.

      • As long as he has cake
        a divorce he’ll never take.

        The ex seems quite content
        as a side dish for some rent,

        with dreams of coming out of hiding
        into the sunset riding.

        And so they keep it all down low
        Thinking no one’s in the know.

        If of their trysts I tell,
        his wife will leave him sure as hell

        and there the creep will be
        right in with my children three.

        And so as much as she ought know,
        it won’t be me who tells her so.

        Ethically this is the skids
        but has kept him from my kids.

  • Cheat with a cheater.
    There’s no honor among thieves.
    Doubt him forever.

  • Forge your own downfall.
    Feign the innocent victim.
    Find no sympathy.

    • There once was a small human named Justin
      Whose nuts were a’constantly bustin’
      With sad women and porn.
      With the assistance of Schorn,
      That he sucks is what I’m now trustin’.

        • : ) Had to. My infidelity journey would not be complete without your help to get me to “Meh.” (Which I can happily say that I have recently reached!) Thanks for all your dedication to helping people see the reality of these shitty people we were/are bonded to. As an aside, we are wired to bond to other people. That’s why we feel like we are going to die when we are forced to unbond from these parasites. It helped me to realize that it was just a piece of my alligator brain triggering old evolutionary mechanisms that no longer apply in today’s society. Shut up, alligator brain. Ima live! and even better than before!

  • There once was a cruel hearted prick
    Who fell in love with his own dick
    It took her some time
    Then his wife was just fine
    And ended the marriage real quick

  • There once was a girl that was pretty
    Who married a douchebag so shitty
    When his misses got sick,
    He ran off – what a dick!
    To go bang some “old friend” in Sioux City.

  • While you sat and masturbated
    I became emancipated
    The chick you always chumped
    Your stupid ass has dumped
    .….forced celibacy’s…..overrated…..

  • highbrow name of narcs
    origin of smelly farts
    anal apertures


    valentines alone
    my insecurities honed

  • The world feels unsafe
    the person I trusted most
    was not who I thought

    The karma truck came
    I don’t really feel for you
    I’ve mourned you already

  • No remorse, regrets or apologetic letter
    I’m learning I deserve better
    So tell your fuckwit, stalking chick
    She can have your limp, malfunctioning dick
    Oh…and I’ll be keeping Cheddar

    (Cheddar is my beloved Siamese)

  • There once was a couple from Laos
    Who each thought their spouse was a louse
    He continually bitched
    Till she finally got pissed
    And thru him straight out of the house

  • My ex husband Rick
    Had a very flirty Dick
    No shame, no Apologie
    Got him adored with schmoopie prize
    Oh wait, On this lovely day he celebrates anniversary
    No extra for her face surgery.

    Thank you, I’m out.

    Sorry, that was mean. I am so glad I left him.

  • My ex husband Rick
    Had a very flirty Dick
    No shame, no apologize
    Got him adored with schmoopie prize
    Oh wait, On this lovely day he celebrates anniversary
    No extra for her face surgery.

    Thank you, I’m out.

    Sorry, that was mean. I am so glad I left him.

  • He wrote love letters to an ex
    Then I wondered what would be next
    On cougar life I found a picture of his cock
    Idiot forgot his text display on lock
    I hyjacked all his social media, sat in my car, and kicked him out by text

  • I should have trusted you suck
    I didn’t and what a mindfuck
    Go screw your AP
    So glad it’s not me
    All I can say is good luck

  • As certain as dogs bark
    Narcs narc.
    While a dog will be your best friend
    Until the end
    A Narc will feed you to a shark.

  • Leave A Cheater Gain A Life
    Read my posts, see that Tracy is right.
    On Valentines Day take up the fight
    Pack your things and book a flight!
    Forever keeper that cheater out of sight!

  • He said they were just friends.
    Thousands of texts say he lies.
    I filed for divorce.
    Actions speak louder
    Than words ever do. I must
    Never forget this.
    There was a husband who joined a bike club.
    They also drank lots of beer in a brew pub.
    He became “just friends” with a girl on the team
    Who loves drinking and biking and him, it seems.
    And now he’s no longer my hub-a-dub-dub.

  • Your words I read with great woe
    A wife is not what they show
    The picture you painted
    Now filthy and tainted
    A pity that All will now know

  • So, You thought that you had us all fooled
    A surprise when you finally got schooled

    With No home to run to
    Ina 5th-wheel You now screw

    O’er one dick of many you’ve drooled

  • Brought her to our home
    Walked her past our Christmas tree
    To fuck in our bed

    • There is a special place in hell for the cheaters who bring APs into our houses and into our beds. Unforgivable pieces of shit. And that is an insult to shit.

  • My life free of you is a joy
    No longer your optional toy.
    It’s full steam ahead.
    How I love my own bed!
    My soul’s not yours to destroy.


    Our friends think you’re a good guy;
    From them you would hide, tell lies.
    But I have clear sight,
    In you there’s no light.
    I’ll share all I know bye ‘n bye.


    When your penis went soft once again,
    You claimed I’d lost confidence in—
    But you never said what;
    You knew you’d been caught
    Fallen flaccidly off porn’s wagon


    There once was a dick so rapacious,
    It slutted with gals all nameless.
    You played sleight of hand,
    Claimed high moral stand,
    While I schemed my exit audacious.


    There once was narc, a covert,
    An addict of sex and pervert.
    I almost went under
    My spark his to plunder.
    Free now and my joy’s his hair-shirt.

  • To ponder your lies
    Is to shudder, turn and run.
    Your way is not mine.


    Pixels over me.
    If that was you relating,
    My words: “Not enough.”


    Naïve is not dumb:
    Your ED my fault, you said.
    Go gaslight yourself.


    Your mask slipped, then tore.
    “Because you judge!” you accused.
    Clanged closed, my heart’s door.


    You said I get you.
    Ah, but you are not your mask.
    Getting ain’t wanting.


    Signs shone everywhere,
    your unchecked perfidy. Lights
    on my exit ramp.

  • My second entry:

    You said “but it was just a stupid mistake!”
    “Why can’t I stay here and have my cake?”
    You always pushed, but now have gone too far
    Went and picked up filthy randos in a bar
    And I now realize what you call “love” is fake

  • I had no idea so many like you existed,
    Thank god for C.Ns examination of twisted,
    On the ground I”d lain down,
    And in self recriminations,tears,and crippling pain drowned,
    But then i found CN,and you were EVICTED!.

  • Following the shock of D’Day
    Everyone comment they thought he was gay.
    Though he’ll refuse to confirm
    His preference for sperm
    For me, it is Meh all the way.

  • There is a man called Fuckwit,
    Who duped his poor Wife to suck it,
    When she finally found him out,
    Her wit sneakily entitled him to financial nowt,
    All he can say now is FUCK IT!

    i love you all C.N(well excepting the Barrys of course)

  • All of those bouquets
    Were never gifts, but bribes to
    Overlook your sins.

  • Schmoopie can take you
    for your colonoscopy
    she will say, “Ewww…gross!”

  • Lied to Schmoopie, too
    Gave me her Gmail password
    to tell you to fuck off

  • And,lets not forget odes to skanky ho’s…..skanky Ho”mage?

    Your crystals were a”jangling,
    because you spent so much wasted time banging,
    You could have just said!,
    How much happier I could have been,had he chosen your bed,
    And you”d not have to have left your own kid”s hangin.

  • On Craigslist, you bragged you were “hung”.
    Years of trysts, with all manner of dung.
    Now your dick doesn’t work,
    Just an old, ugly jerk…
    …and I’m single and sexy and young!

    • Sounds like we have a similar situation. Freakin a-holes going online for bullish-t when they have the neat things they ever will and they deserted us. Ehhh

  • You asked if I wanted to swing.
    Bewildered, I showed you my ring.
    So you f*cked other couples,
    From a website for cuckolds.
    Took your ass to the cleaners….cha-CHING!


  • With reason ever so clear
    I now loathe the 3rd of April each year
    Your (W)hor(e)izontal intrusions
    Leave me to a long, hard road
    But one MUCH higher…
    I, still, would not even piss in your ear
    If your head was on fire.

  • Happy Valentine’s I got you a skillet
    Cuz in the kitchen babe, you really kill it
    Oh, the charge on the card?
    For HER diamond quite large!?
    I have a NEED and you’ve just never filled it!

    • funny,Tuesday Meh,hope that resale price only buys her a shitty coffee,over which she contemplates
      where her empty soul has left her…

  • Some late entries:

    Scorched Earth

    In the charred dirt where
    marriage like a chain bound me,
    wildflowers bloom.

    Burning Love Letters

    These pages tossed in flame
    create warmth and light for the
    first and only time.

    Clockwork Roses

    Dozens at the door—
    each slender stem a lie; each
    clawed thorn a cryptic truth.

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