The Infidelity Valentine’s Day Poetry Contest
Happy February, CN! It’s nearly Valentine’s Day, or as some have been known to call it “Single Awareness Day.” If you’re feeling a bit adrift with all the mylar heart balloons and syrupy sentiment out there…. consider snark!
Yes, it’s time once again for our Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest where we remember the less fortunate — the poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.
So send me a poem! Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience.
Please no lugubrious long-form verse — keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)
The winners get inscribed copies of my book (I’ll ship anywhere). I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day.
To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems.
You have until Sunday, February 12 to send submissions.
Way to start the week, stabbing Cupid… Bring it, CN!
I once had a dumb wife who screwed
a dumb-ass, a dick, and a dude.
She wasn’t particular
About things testicular
She’d fuck anything that’d protrude.
omg…i love that!!!
I once had a wife called Claire,
Who once caught gave me the dead-eyed stare,
An affair with her boss,
She couldn’t give a toss,
And now my children I half share
Nomar,
Outstanding!
=)
Fantastic!!
“Particular” rhymed with “testicular” is genius.
Boom!
Great start, this is a good one
LOL!
My wife, good hearted thespian,
said she was suddenly a lesbian.
So she started to date,
Her co-worker/mate,
And gaslit me so machiavellian.
Awesome!
I once used to say
“I hate the way you treat me.”
No more need to say.
Bitter Valentine Snark. I look forward to this so much. Like Xmas felt when you were four.
Bring it Chump Nation!!!
I know.
I am soooo bad at this, but I love seeing what everyone here writes.
I had an ex wife called Vicky,
Who lied to the nth degree,
She wanted some cock,
Unconcerned by the stock,
It all left me feeling rather sicky.
As soon as I had paid for your schools
You went out and found some new tools
Your own money you could now make
And there was nothing left of me to take
Now, I’m still your #1…but just in a series of fools
bravo
^This!^ Well done.
I apologise in advance as I’m terrible with this sort of thing but joining in for the fun of it.
He left without much warning,
I could feel my head spinning.
Then my head went ding,
He left for a fling.
Now without him I’m winning
Or terrible at all – a great poem with a lot of heart and humour. Bravo!
He says I love you.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I know about her.
I love the simple brilliance of this!
Yes a 7 syllable ha
Me, too.
My ex wanted excitement
Unfortunately he had to buy it
They were quite alike
Dickheads and shite
They ended up with each other so their shite
Poetry isn’t my thing, least I tryed
I was depress, means I don’t love you.
Said by the one who didn’t stay true.
Too lost, too sad, and too empty.
Our marriage no longer made you happy?
and your affair was something you’re due?
Screw you!
You two Warcraft trolls
Truly deserve each other.
I choose the real world.
Oh Snap! Awesome!!
Dr Narc slept with a patient with PTSD
And you asked me for my pity
It’s now so easy for me to see
That you do not value me
I’m working each day to be mighty!
Updated version:
Dr Narc slept with a patient with PTSD
And you asked me for my pity
It’s now so easy to see
That you do not value me
I’m working hard each day to be mighty!!
He ran off with a fat ugly cow.
Last Valentines she gave him cacao.
But this Valentines I’m beaming,
It’s SHE he’s giving the reaming.
You can have him you hideous sow.
YESS!!!!!
No we cannot be friends
My friends do not cheat and lie
I’d say if I spoke
Mike drop. Bravo!
There once was an AP called D
Who’s boyfriend lied and said his wife was a B
The wife found out and gave out a shout
you are both F ing C’s
I now know what you meant
Went said you needed space to vent
I threw you out quick
When you tried a new dick
I hope you now live in a tent
like
I suspected all along
That he wanted to give you his schalong
He was a flea bag galore
Is on wife number four
And now you sing a sad song
A man whose lies were off the scale
told all who would listen a tale
which went “woe is me,
she’s SOOOO mean, you see…”
to justify chasing new tail.
Absent of remorse,
he stuck his penis right in
every hole he found.
You told me you wanted male friendship
So you helped a Mexican get his citizenship
He payed you by screwing you
He told you “I am not leaving my wife for you”
Now you are a member of the “divorce ship”
Previous winner here so I’ve got the book,but just for fun…
There once was a cheater named Peter
Who juggled a harem of whores
He’s sly and he’s slick
To service his dick
Here’s hoping it’s covered in sores.
To DeeDee:
My ex was named Peter. But, I call him Dick Devious. He gave me HPV that the OW gave him. Wonder if it’s the same Peter or if they were both just being peters.
Evidently, Peters and peters get around, no?
(Not a poem. Just a comment)
LMAO!! ????
My ex is a shameless love bomber,
He used this skill to con her,
Her name was Champane,
She thinks he’ll make it rain,
I’m so glad he’s a gone-er.
I saw that new guy you skrew I hear he’s all done with you ,
Now you want to come back home ’cause your afraid to be alone
NO OOOOO OOOOO OOOOO FUCKING WAY
I am not your door mat
NO OOOOO OOOOO OOOOO FUCKING WAY
got new life and that is that . (Sung to the tune of the Christmas Carole “Gloria “)
New York nutbag am singin along with ya! La la la la pmsl
Thank you! Singing wise I can use all I help I can get! Hey! Just a thought…maybe ,if we get enough voices, we could all go Chumpmas caroling!
Feel free to use my As with your own Bs CN!!
He thought he was king of the gym
She taught bikes and flashed him her quim
He tore the family apart
Just to be with his tart
Now he’s broke and his future is grim
Ha ha ! New word of the week-quim !
I married a man with a pecker
He used it as a home wrecker
Now he sits home alone
With his fist on his bone
Now I’m happy without that fat fecker
I’m sitting here crying I’m laughing so hard…
????
????????????????????
I once had a wife named Leslie
Whose lies would only depress me
And when she did bed
Men she had not wed
I dumped her and became more stress free
It’s been so long now, I really dont care
When you had your tawdry affair
You had always been abusive
So no great loss when she became your new Mrs…
But she pressed charges and now you’re alone with no hair
“I’m still married”, he said
“You can’t have your ring back”-instead-
“I’ll wear it with pride
’til you’re no longer my Bride
I’m a good guy” (who just wanted
strange head)
There was a homewrecker named Yi
Took my ex on a dumpling spree
Hundreds of dollars he spent
But not a penny for rent
Now he mooches off her and not me
Love this! So clever!
I live you CN handle ‘left for the dumpling queen’. This is poetry in itself!
Life is funnier than fiction!
See, you fell from grace
Hon, you ain’t no unicorn
That’s why we’re divorced
There once was a redhead with curls,
Whose husband screwed a young girl,
She bought an old house,
Got over her spouse,
and cares more about plaster than him.
I told you my soul mate was she
A woman who was our employee
Our marriage I then threw away
So I could seize my new day
And too fucking bad you disagree!
There once was an asshole named Chris
Thought we were in wedded bliss
Turns out he loves porn
Strokes his dick all forlorn
So here I am taking the piss
You left for pussy
leaving me PTSD
She left you for dick
I heard your whore left
Did you threaten to kill her
like you did with me
People’s lives damaged
and she left you anyway
you’re too old for more
Wasband is sad as fuck
The whore he left me for a fuck
Has dumped his silly ass
looking for greener grass
leaving him old, gray and ugly and yuck
I heard your slut left you alone
to cry all alone with your bone
Good news is you’re older
You look shit I told ya
“Died single” will grace your gravestone
X was seen online
Not my problem now
Cheaters never stop
P.S.backstory: my good friend is on Bumble. Yesterday a pic of XH popped into her feed. His pic was from when we were together (5+ years and 80 lbs ago) before he lost his health and vitality. He’s in a “committed” relationship and living with the young gold digging whore he left our family for. Karma’s a bitch! Baahaaahaaa ????????????????????????.
P.S.A. If you are on Bumble in the PNW and see a average-looking blonde haired 51 year old wide smiling attorney holding a cup of coffee take a hard PASS!
Haaaaaaha!!! Man, this makes me scared to use dating apps. I bet all the cheater freaks are on there
My cheater freak was on dating apps.
His profile made me laugh. I don’t know who he was describing but it wasn’t him. He’s so full of shit, said he enjoys going to concerts. I lived with him for 25 years, we never went to a concert. He never mentioned going to a concert and if I suggested going he’d list all the reasons why we shouldn’t go.., there would be a lot of people, we have to drive home, there might be traffic.. He didn’t like leaving the house. He also said he loves Sunday drives and weekend getaways, visiting out of the way towns. . He hated driving anywhere. The two or three weekend trips we went on in 25 years, he was miserable, refused to stop the car so we could use the restroom.
Then there were his photos, wearing muscle shirts, flexing his biceps, face to the side, trying to look like he didn’t know the photo was being taken. I laughed out loud at he comments he made next to each one. I was almost embarrassed for him.
Down the long aisle we strode
Thought I married a prince, not a toad
What’s that you say?
All my faults made you stray?
Hope she likes riding your chode
????????x 1000! ????
You thought you could fly but you’re blown
They’ll write “died single” on your gravestone
your penis is old
your charm’s full of mould
and she’s left for some other man’s bone
Wish I had the sense
to not feel sad that she left
but I’m not like you
You look like shit now
Can you love bomb at your age
without your good looks
Can’t emphasize enough you’re the worst
Served your dick to the girls like bratwurst
Did you make them all cum?
Haha, you’re such a fucking bum
Step aside, I’m now putting ME first
Love this one!
Good Lord this is so cathartic! Thanks CL and CN for reading my vicious thoughts, lol. Hope we all get some well-deserved release from this little exercise. ❤️
Don’t sweat the small things, he always said
How do I react to your small penis boning a whore in my bed?
I filed in 2 weeks just to be free
It’s ok baby, blame it on me
Your whore can now keep you and your little dick head
We both know you’re an empty shell
and a sociopath and going to hell
well you mirrored her too
but she’s a narc just like you
You’re too old to get out your new hell
There once was a sparkle-dick master
Whose love-bombing turned into disaster
now she’s the one stuck
with that old mother f**k
and I’m happy alone ever after
I want to memorize this one
Bravo !! ????????
Household work was mine
I was your wife appliance
You were just a tool.
Bravo!
You left a loving…
Oh look, your twat fucked around!
wife who had your back
I’m told that you’re miserable as fuck
and debating coming back to try your luck
Well I’m not that damn stupid
I found better friends than you did
and I’m rocking my world you pathetic Schmuck
Love it! ????
He dated a Russian goldigger
On his marriage he then pulled the trigger
I his wife got the hump
The young Russian a bump
He’ll be cleaned out is all I can snigger!
Even though your cock was dead
You found a sucker you tried to wed
She left you flat
Now you’re chasing young twat
Even though you’re an ugly old ghoul
He seemed a good man
I was fooled for many years
Now I trust he sucks
She had many accusations quite bizarre.
I told her one more and you have gone to far.
So she accursed an illegitimate child I did sire.
But this was a complete impossibility.
The child’s birth was eight years after my vasectomy.
Now I am free of this delusional narc liar.
As she went for walk.
To take on a cock.
She said it was all my fault.
Now they are done.
She had her fun.
And that was her last assault.
There once was a sad man
who thought he had a great plan,
He’d treat his wife like dirt
While he ate cake and flirt.
But she said No Way.
Packed up, made him pay.
Now he’s mad and alone
Left by himself, whining into his phone.
Turns out your soul mate
also has bad character
and left. No surprise!
I feel sad for the
children involved in the three
marriages you broke
Not just two marriages, but three? How’d they manage that?
She was married, so that’s two and AFAIK he’s just divorced her.
I’m no contact so can’t be 100% sure.
Accidentally heard it through the grapevine ;-P.
You’ve no personality of your own
it’s the person you’re with that you clone
Now she’s left for his dick
and you’re getting old and sick
no supply when you’re all on your own