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The OW Recommends a Self-Help Book

Hi Chump Lady!

I wrote to you over the holiday’s, detailing how my cheating EX got cheated on by his mistress and how karma, completely un-looked for at this stage, caught up with him.

WELL….Today I received a package (at my office!) from the EX mistress with an “inspirational book” and a letter from the Schmoopie. The book is “Ask and it is Given, Learning to Manifest your Desires.” by Esther and Jerry Hicks (with foreword by Dr. Wayne Dwyer).

This is what the note she sent along with it said:

Dear JJ,

I wanted to thank you for reaching out last year after I received my diagnosis (she was diagnosed with Stage I breast cancer and I, nice chump that I am, offered my EX support on info for finding a great oncologist as I work in a doctor’s office). That was incredibly kind of you. Over the past year I’ve had the opportunity to reflect and make changes in my life. As I’ve stepped away from (the business) and my relationship with C (my EX) draws to a close, I look back with regret that C and I started seeing each other before your divorce was finalized. Hindsight being 20/20 I would have chosen differently. I am deep with remorse over the pain that it caused you.

I am not sure if it is any interest to you but I found this book to be incredibly liberating as I’ve gone through the healing process. My hope is that it might bring you as much empowerment as it brought me. Sending you much joy, success and happiness always.

Schmoopie

Uhm, what????? This woman was married to her THIRD husband when she started cheating with my EX. My EX had not once stated he was unhappy with our marriage, had never asked to go to counseling and only knew this woman for three months before they started fooling around. My kids lost their father for years after that, if they didn’t accept the situation he simply ignored them and any of their needs (except my younger daughter, who he forced to live with him so he wouldn’t have to pay child support – she spent every minute at his house in her room and still resents it to this day).

I sent a picture of the letter and book to my EX, explaining that I would appreciate it if he would advise his EX mistress that I no longer want or need “enlightenment” or “healing” or ANY advice from this woman. He immediately text me and then actually called me to apologize. He offered to call her and ask her not to contact me again. You know what? I told him she wasn’t worth it then and she isn’t worth it now.

Still living my wonderful new life over here!!! Thanks again for all you do!

JJ

Dear JJ,

I guess you asked for karma, and it was given, so no need for the book.

Geez, what a nutter. She must miss the centrality. So here’s a Law of Attraction book? (KIBBLES! COME TO ME!)

I did a little googling about the authors and what surely must be a solid literary recommendation…

Jerry Hicks was a former circus acrobat who sold Amway. Esther channels a celestial consciousness she calls “Abraham” and writes down its wisdom. (Is Abraham getting residuals?)

Maybe they were both getting high off the fumes from those cleaning products. I can’t believe there are enough idiots in the U.S. to make this a best-seller. Then again, America loves a grifter. Especially a pseudo-Christian grifter. With bad hair. (You know what allusion I’m dying to make next, but am resisting…. AAAIIIGGHHH… so. hard….)

Back to you, JJ. How lovely that Schmoopie is so invested in your happiness and healing. Like $11.95 worth of investment in a cheap paperback. Plus shipping.

Shall we UBT her note?

I wanted to thank you for reaching out last year after I received my diagnosis That was incredibly kind of you.

I wanted to remind you that I’m still alive and require your attention. Cancer cannot kill me. Nor can your kind thoughts and oncology recommendations. I LIVE! And all that sustains me is KIBBLES!

Over the past year I’ve had the opportunity to reflect and make changes in my life.

Changes like swapping out yet another soul mate and finalizing my third divorce.

As I’ve stepped away from (the business)

Fucked a co-worker/fiddled the accounts/committed gross indecencies with office supplies…

and my relationship with C draws to a close,

He is no swingline heavy duty stapler.

I look back with regret that C and I started seeing each other before your divorce was finalized.

The divorce I set into motion by cheating with him.

I look back with regret that I… didn’t learn the Laws of Attraction sooner. Had Esther and Jerry (via Abraham) only revealed The Secret earlier (for small monthly installments of $195) I’m positive I would’ve destroyed your marriage in under 3 months.

Now I Manifest My Desires and Chico’s sales ladies quake. I am master of the sales rack.

Hindsight being 20/20 I would have chosen differently.

I don’t know if leopard-print track wear suits me. Impulse buy.

I am deep with remorse over the pain that it caused you.

I am deep with remorse over the pain of you ignoring me. I HAVE A NEW OUTFIT. And a NEW SOUL MATE. WHY DO YOU DENY ME?

I am not sure if it is any interest to you

So let me send a package to your workplace ala the Unibomber. Check it for explosives. Dust it for anthrax. Oh hey,  it’s a self-help book. #run

but I found this book to be incredibly liberating as I’ve gone through the healing process.

Let me serve as an example to you. Yes, I Schmoopie, Fucker of Other Women’s Husbands, Desire Made Manifest, Master of the Sales Rack ($9.99 jeggings!) am telling you how to live.

The Secret is Accessories. And cold indifference to the suffering of others. And warm grays.

My hope is that it might bring you as much empowerment as it brought me.

My hope is that if I can’t be your nemesis, let me be your spirit guide!

Sending you much joy, success and happiness always.

Sending you leftovers. You can have your husband back. All the shiny has worn off. Kisses!

***

Rock on with your new life, JJ!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Why did she message you, why did you help her, its sad she had cancer, she has people in real life and the hospitals to help her. I’m in the UK, I don’t know about other countries health care systems. She was probably trying to goad you, with the book, did she apologise for fucking your husband, I don’t think so.
    There’s a cliche, any attention is better than none, I think she wants your ex back.
    Why would she contact you, attention that’s why.

    • In the US we often have to “shop“ around for doctors that take our insurance. It’s always a battle between who is good, who is taking new patients, and what types of treatments they offer.

      • And whether our insurance will even cover ANY of it. Healthcare in the U.S. is an overpriced, for-profit industry that FREQUENTLY denies life-saving treatment if it’s more cost-effective for the patient to simply die.

        • I know this is totally off topic but my son just came back from 5 days in hospital due to seizures. He was in ICU on life support with one on one nursing care, 3 teams of specialists to work out why the sudden seizures at 21. He fine now. Cost? $0. I’m in Australia. Universal health rocks.

          • We Americans are jealous of your healthcare system. My understanding is that everybody chips in 1% of their earnings and the rich pay 2%. That way all are covered and don’t have to worry about losing their life savings, home, etc. if they have a serious accident or are diagnosed with cancer.

            An American acquaintance was visiting Down Under with her daughter and rather than hiring a driver, she rented a car and caused a very severe accident. Her daughter was gravely injured and stayed in hospital there for several months-multiple surgeries,etc. Looks like the daughter may be paraplegic. I don’t know what her liability is for all the medical care but I know she was legally charged due to the accident.

            Any Americans visiting GB or Australia-hire a driver !

    • “I’m in the UK, I don’t know about other countries health care systems.”

      In the US it is an absolute nightmare. Coverage varies wildly and insurance companies are for-profit, so they frequently deny treatment or try and refuse to pay their share of the bills.

      The co-pays don’t just nickel and dime you – they can cost you THOUSANDS out of pocket. Here in the US we pay more money and have worse outcomes than I care to think about.

      The OW is still an idiot to have contacted her at all.

    • Who knows if she even had cancer. SparkleTwat gained my (now ex-) husband’s sympathy by faking cancer. She faked doctor’s appointments, test results, even took fake chemo pills and had fake symptoms. Liars will lie and justify anything.

  • I would just throw the mess in the trash. I would not contact anyone about it let alone my ex. I wouldn’t even leave the book in the break room. Maybe the city dump wanted to manifest another copy, who am I to question? I manifest MEH

    • Any reaction made known to the OW = kibbles. Ditto for getting the ex involved.

      A better solution- plunk the book and her note in the recycling bin and let it be. Not worth a reply to her and certainly not worth breaking No Contact with him.

    • I’d send it back. Maybe the OW knows someone else who can use this. Like another exwife of another married man she shagged.

  • JJ
    Your a bigger person then I am. I wouldn’t have helped her and I’m a cancer survivor also. Karma showed up for them. It did for my ex and the OWhore.. she died not long after he moved into her home.
    Sad all around. 😔

    • “I am not saying I hate you but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone” recent meme I saw.

      My ex sent me a huge I need some kibbles text this weekend. She always starts it about the kids and then digresses. Thanx to CN I did not even answer.

      • “I am not saying I hate you but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone”

        And…you owe me a squeegee for my computer monitor. It is covered in tea and spit.

        Thank you!

      • Jeff I Am,

        I’m w/No Shit Cupcakes. If I had been drinking something, my laptop would’ve been covered. Instead, I just got a really good laugh. Thanks for that.

  • I’d write back to tell her that you’ve had your copy for years are glad she wrote you to validate that it works. You manifested an awesome life free of a lying cheating loser and his female parasites.

  • (music by Dion, lyrics by Chump Nation)

    Has anybody here seen our old friend Abraham?
    Can you tell us what he knows?
    He’s got a lot to tell us, but it seems only Esther can.
    Would you like some Amway clothes?

    Has anybody here seen our old friend C?
    Can you tell us where he went?
    He scammed a lotta people, but it seems cheaters just can’t resist
    He’s a lying malcontent.

    Has anybody here seen our old friend Schmoopie?
    Can you tell us where she fled?
    She wed a lotta people, but it seems she just can’t help herself.
    On to someone else’s bed.

    Didn’t you love the shit they peddled?
    Didn’t they try to find some way to swindle you?
    But you’ll be cool,
    Meh comes soon, it’s gonna be a Tuesday . . .

    Has anybody here seen my old friend JJ?
    Can you tell us where she’d be?
    I thought I saw her walking away from the bullshit
    Of Abraham, Schmoopie and C.

  • Dear OW

    I am very glad that you are currently cancer-free. Of course, it will always hang over you, the shadow of it possibly returning, maybe somewhere less treatable, so well done you for trying to be positive.

    I am stunned that your relationship has ended with Ex. It started on such firm ground, what with his being married and you also being married and your respective spouses being traumatised and blindsided. With your many marriages, I imagined you’d have got it right this time, what a bummer that you haven’t, especially with the possible return of cancer in the unknowable future. That must suck.

    Kindly never contact me again. I have enclosed the book.

  • Wait, did I read that right? She cheated on her husband with your ex and then she cheated on your ex and she’s going through a “healing process”?!!!!!

    • it’s not easy to cheat, you know! All those lies, remembering what you said to whom, coordinating timetables, bullshitting in front of yourself and others why what you’re doing isn’t wrong, plus intense physical activity etc. Poor woman must be exhausted, well deserving healing.

    • Yes, she cheated on her second husband (and father of her one kid, now 17) with her third husband and cheated on her third husband (of 2 1/2 years) with my husband. After six years with my EX she cheated on HIM with her 2nd husband.
      You seriously can’t make this shit up!

  • Nothing surprises me with these types.

    My only comment is that no-contact is the path to truth and justice and peace. I do not confide in nor tell my XH narcissist cheater anything if I can help it. And I can usually help it😆

    Next time, perhaps keep the XH out of the info loop and cut off the kibbles to him too. To me, that is Meh.

    😘😘😘

  • No contact is definitely the way to go; particularly with narcissists.

    Or as Napoleon put it …… “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”

    • OMG Tuesday! I forgot all about this Napoleon quote! I needed this today!!!

      Man I love Chump Lady and Chump Nation!!

      • VH you are welcome. I had need of it myself a few weeks ago.

        My Ex-Wife recently contacted me asking for my help advising one of her friends. My Ex wanted me to help the woman who encouraged her to be unfaithful, and who helped cover for my Ex’s infidelity for longer than I care to think about. This woman had found out that her husband had been cheating on her (I don’t approve of that but …… karma much?) and she wanted my advice on what to do.

        I just deleted the email; these people really just don’t know a boundary when they see one.

        Neither the kids nor I miss her, and my Ex is welcome to that woman’s friendship, as I sure don’t want it.

        LFTT

  • Just when you think that surely there is no depth to which a Fuckwit/Schmoopie (of any gender) couldn’t find…

  • I agree with everything Chump Lady said, including her snark about Team Hicks. Classic CL, hilarious!

    I also recognize the importance of honoring others’ beliefs and Faith’s in this forum, so I’m cognizant of how it might feel bad to people whose beliefs fall within in that spectrum.

    It’s all too easy to denigrate another person’s beliefs as cult thinking, which CL masterfully did not do here, but some might. It will do us all good to remember that every single faith system – even a-theism – can be twisted into a tool to manipulate others in a cult-like fashion. They are all constructed with just enough specificity to validate at least some things that are clearly true and just enough vagueness to be twistable to serve a master manipulator’s evil plans.

    So, yes, attack the manipulator! With snark about the manipulator! Let’s just be mindful of our fellow chumps’ safety in the process. Everyone has their path. 💚

    • I hope you’re not referring to the Law of Attraction as a faith. There’s no religious aspect to this or religious organization involved, it’s 100% pure scam, and one of the more damaging ones. Not only do people lose money buying those books , videos, seminars (yes, I’m looking at you ‘The Secret”), the whole ‘system’ they propose tells people they are to blame for every bad thing that happens to them, while if the good stuff isn’t happening, well, they’re just not trying hard enough to control their own thinking.

      Frankly abusive.

      • No, I’m not referring to it as a standalone faith. I AM, however, referring to exactly what just happened here.

        I could say all of the exact same things you just said about any belief system and find examples that would prove its truth. That includes the majority religion in this country. Just look at all the posts about Jesus Cheaters. One could argue that they are the exception, but that is 100% not my experience, and I could spew vitriol on that subject long into the night and cite literally hundreds of personal examples.

        But that would be as hurtful as it is irrelevant, so I don’t.

        This forum is for all chumps, and chumps are often chumped by subjects other than romance, including belief systems that are harmful. The tactics used by cheaters and other charlatans are all the same. It’s important for us to refrain from attacking each other here and stay topical.

        At any rate, I’m glad it stayed short.

  • JJ, I hope you can find some humor in this, not at her cancer diagnosis, but at the never ending crap these people come up with. CL did our homework for us and found two deep thinkers to guide us on the path of enlightenment. The never ending weird shit that gets published just reinforces Andy Warhol’s fifteen minutes of fame we think we are entitled to. As for me, y’all keep it down to a dull roar. What with Twitter et al I prefer anonymity.
    JJ, not your circus, not your monkeys, and aren’t you glad.

  • It’s the selfish self-centeredness disguised as concern and remorse. This woman is going through a serious life-threatening illness. These types of things tend to jolt people into introspection. What is so sad and cynically funny is that she doesn’t see how inappropriate it is to approach her affair partner’s wife, she just thinks she’s being helpful and therefore assuaging some of her own (non-clearly admitted) guilt. OW assumes that XW needs to know this info – after all – if must have something wrong with her if she isn’t able to manifest wonderfulness immediately. OW kinda apologizes and then offers a vague superiority by showing the X how to be a better person/have a better life by virtue of this amazing book which magically corrected and healed OW’s own poor choices.

    Yeah, that book and note totally deserves a backyard BBQ burning over a glass of Proseco.

    • Stage 1 breast cancer is curable. I think she’s just throwing that in for extra drama. I’ve had many friends and family that were diagnosed with that and they are all doing fine many years later.
      Now stage 4 breast cancer is completely different because that means it has metastasized. That’s what took my sister at the age of 45😭

  • Obviously the answer here is no response but the temptation to get that bloody book and shove it so firmly up her backside so she never shits again is HUGE right. Especially if it’s a hardback.

    These bloody people. Eye roll. Worst thing is she probably believes what she’s writing.

  • Not a shocker OW is a follower of Abraham Hicks. I’ve seen the you tube videos and I can’t believe the rabid followers that actually buy into this scam. I am all for positive thinking and going after your heart’s desire (by ethically doing the work) but these people are looking for an easy short cut to wealth, success, happiness, love, etc. Ester or Abraham, whatever, never really gives an answer to what is asked, just condescendingly blathers on and on treating the questioner like a halfwit. Oh and the ridiculous accent!!! The followers eat it up! Maybe I’m just not “deep” but for the life of me I didn’t get what he/she was saying.

  • OWs do love to contribute, don’t they? One of X#3’s schmoopies gave me a self-help book, along with some other trinkets, for Xmas some years back. The book was so blatantly narcissistic in outlook it was unreadable. When my kids were helping me clean out the house post-divorce (clearing out all the stuff left behind by the ex), I whisked the book from the donations pile and into the recycle bin. I considered the book so toxic I didn’t want its message to ever be seen by someone else! First time in my life I’d ever thrown a book away.

  • JJ,,
    You are a better woman than I . If my ex schmoopie ( or my ex) hot cancer I wouldn’t wish them dead (🤔) but you can bet your ass I wouldn’t be recommending anybody to help keep them here either.
    I know I’m going to get clobbered here, but I can see why she felt you would be receptive to her reaching out.
    You helped her find an oncologist, that doesn’t scream “I hate you for firebombing my life.”
    I’m zero contact, but the affair partner in my scenario would know better than to think we were cosmically connected because we were both done wrong by the same man.
    Just wtf??

    • You aren’t getting clobbered by me, for sure. I think you are 100% right. If you leave the door open, anything can walk in. A bear. A thief. A Schmoopie.

    • I offered to help because, even after all those two put me through, I am STILL the same caring, compassionate person I’ve always been and I would never let anyone change that. That’s just who I am and I’m glad They know that I’m just a better person, inside and out.

    • I offered help because that’s who I am. I know that I am a caring, compassionate person and this proved to myself that no matter what horrible shit those two out me through, they were not able to change that or take it away from me. I’m just better than them in every way, lol!

    • Trust me, for years I wished the most horrible things would happen to them…and then, one day (must have been a Tuesday!) it just didn’t matter anymore. I moved on and concentrated on ME. I was 100% no contact except for kids stuff and the OW was blocked on my phone from day one.

      Me offering help was just me being me. And I’m glad all the horror I went through didn’t change that.

    • Trust me, for years I wished the most horrible things would happen to them…and then, one day (must have been a Tuesday!) it just didn’t matter anymore. I moved on and concentrated on ME. I was 100% no contact except for kids stuff and the OW was blocked on my phone from day one.

      Offering to ask the doc’s I work with for a recommendation on an oncologist was just me being me. I’m not sorry I did it. I’m glad all the horror (and it was a horror, as you all know) they put me through did not change what I didn’t want to change. A lot of other things did and all for the better!

  • I imagine saying to the ho-worker OW at some point, “Eh, call me in 23 years. Once you’ve invested that much time in Stunted XH, then I’ll believe you can provide a minuscule amount of insight or guidance to me. Until then, bugger off and good luck – you’ll need it.”

  • Wow. She has cancer, has a come to Jesus moment, decides to kind of admit the fact she was an asshole, and tries to make nice with this weak-sauce guesture so she can tell herself she was the bigger person.

    And “…as my relationship with C draws to a close, I look back with regret that C and I started seeing each other before your divorce was finalized.” I almost choked. Uh, that should read, “was initiated, which came as a complete surprise to you…” I realised the other day that Cheaters spackle too, except their particular brand is trowelled on to stop them from having to admit that they are truly awful people who take what they want, when they want, because they can with no regard to anyone else’s feelings. They shore up their own failings behind a solid wall of it, then sling mud at the innocent third party – “Oh look, over there, a bird!” so you don’t notice the shit on their shoes.

  • Who was the person, I believe I read on here, who’s OW kept giving her articles and books about how to move on?
    I thought that was the absolute turdiest back hand I had ever heard of.

    Almost as bad as the OW who sends brownies to the chumps divorce recovery group.

    People amaze me.

  • Nothing like a brush with mortality to shake up one’s immoral ways. My husband had a similar moment of boohooing in my arms for all the times he hurt me, even for stuff I didn’t know. Oh, he turned a new leaf and walked a straight path on his own initiative. I had made no threats or accusations. But about a year later, somebody got a bit cocky thinking he beat the odds and he was back to his old tricks. Like your OW, her holy now routine will wear off after recovery.

  • I’d say as a general don’t help OWs and Schmoopies. They fired you from caring about or intervening in their difficulties. And you open the door to this nutty trolling for kibbles. An next time, just put the communication through the shredder or in the trash.

    No contact, the way to the truth and the light (shoutout to AllOutofKibble).

  • Reading this took me me back to “The Day After” (a movie about Post nuclear ☢️ exchange) while I was reeling from the knockout punch 🥊.

    I’d wandered onto a FB page for infidelity support where The 180 was talked about frequently as the strategy to rescue my Xw from clutches of her AP. I reserved the book at our library and pretty much read it cover to cover for guidance. I tried it with zero results on her ‘limerence’ (sic RIC).

    I found LACGAL soon afterwards and the scales fell away once RIC was exposed as a profit center. GINR became a thing and NC The First Commandment.

    Divorce Busters was busted. Pretzel 🥨 logic indeed. NPDs? WTFIT??? Once I was educated about the existence of these shadow freaks the rest of my journey materialized.

    When I saw my triangulation with my own eyes there was no point in pursuing the illusion anymore. She had been busy and I knew I had to kick on.

    I’m not expecting any contact from her or her OM/APs. If a correspondence showed up I’d register pain shopping as the only reason I’d ever have for acknowledgment. Don’t. Need. It. I don’t think men APs would take the risk of contact like this.

    The reward comes in the knowledge that, “If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you”. They slip Up eventually and then the house of cards comes down. Hopefully woeful consequences follow with or without Schadenfreud to remind them payback’s a bitch and Karma’s her name.

    • I was “lucky” enough tobe married to the exception to the OM’s don’t do this shit rule. Mr. Chumpmaster2000 did meet multiple times with AP’s husband. He was pleading his case that he was the better man for her, that God had brought them together at work and that the husband was just not good for her. How he didn’t get punched in the face is beyond me. He was so proud of it he spoke of it during our divorce negotiations with our attorneys present – he couldn’t wait to tell me that he even shook her husband’s hand! I am not making this up – it completely freaked me out. I could not wrap my head around the entire situation – it was a pick-me mosh pit – so I removed myself from it completely – only contact with Chumpmaster was in the presence of attorneys. I never did meet or speak with Schmoopie although I did contact her twice on FB messenger – once to send her a semi-nude picture of her that Chumpmaster accidentally left on our home computer – when I was still in the discovery phase and in shock and another to let her know that I was going to out her to her husband- they formally reconciled – withdrew the divorce paperwork and everything but she was still seeing Chumpmaster on the side- that time was just out of spite – she never had the nerve to respond either time. NC to all parties involve ever since – 2 years.

      • The 1st AP I identified, I paid a visit to.
        I wanted to look him in the eye then drag him outside for ‘a talk’. He’s lucky that he wasn’t home. I left him a note, …“leave x alone”. I’m sure it got back to xw through him. I’m sure he was looking over his shoulder awhile worried about the ‘crazy husband’ narrative they use for bait.

        The 2nd AP I identified as well. These were not the only two being triangulated/ discovered and the law of diminishing returns applied very rapidly.

        No.2 was a beer salesman living in a 5th wheel in a campground about 40 miles away. She moved in with him a few weeks after I expelled her from my bed to another bedroom.
        I didn’t contact this yo-yo, however I warned xw that if she was brazen enough to bring him on our property things would not turn out well.

        It occurred to me post divorce that she’s in her playground element there, with Lots of potential targets to discretely bed…All within walking distance. A repeat of the exact same pattern she’d demonstrated in her past before we met. Good Riddance is easy to get to once you get to an AP count exceeding n+3.

        “You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl”.

        • Marcus Lazarus,
          Proof-backed N=3 was the last straw for me, too. Never even considered recycling the dusty RIC bs. RIC is mindfuckery on a larger sociological scale: narcs gone wild with centrality for your hard-earned cash while blame-shifting for giggles & profit.
          So, in a cursory glance, Schmoopie’s message is another example of classic narc monologue:
          By the numbers
          “I” = 11
          “me” = 3
          “my” = 1
          “you” = 5
          “your” = 1

          And it’s clear that the only substance Schmoopie is “deep in” is something the rest of us flush (once, unless you’re… orange?).

  • I need to write something before I even finish Tracy’s response to this woman’s letter.

    These nutters the Hicks had me at “Amway salesman”. Code for con man, you know multilevel marketing. My Saffa (that sucker punched me) was involved with two of these, one an essential oil company. A snake oil salesman.

    Just a little info to warn citizens of CN.

  • “I’m not a bad person! I sent you a BOOK! Behold how much I CARE.” This gesture wasn’t for you, it was for HER. It was so she could feel better about herself because she knows she did something really shitty that flies in the face of her believing she is a good person.

    I got an apology, of sorts, from the OW in which she stated “life is complicated”. So. Deep.

    No contact now and forever.

    • I know right??!! Like they feel they should get Brownie Points for barely registering the fact that their behavior sucked!

      I was hit on by a married man while I was breaking up with my X. He was gorgeous, charming, persuasive. But I said NO! – helped by the fact that he was married and trying to schmooze me – a huge turnoff!

  • Hey, this is ME!!!

    I know it sounds sort of Chumpy to offer help with finding a doctor until you understand that I reached true, true MEH a few years ago. Sure I wished horrible things to befall both my EX and the OW, wished it with all my might. Obsessed over it, actually. Then I realized that the only one I was hurting with these negative and nasty thoughts was myself.

    What did I do? I gained a life. Put my two girls through college by myself (co-signing student loans, OY!), fixed up my wonderful home that I bought my EX out of, traveled, read, relaxed and eventually met a wonderful guy (also a chump) who I’ve been dating for almost a year.

    I have great friends and an awesome family, lots of support and love and one day, I didn’t really care one way or another about EX and OW. Didn’t even give them a moments thought. And THAT’s when Karma, all unlooked for, showed up. OW cheated on EX with her 2nd husband and left him.

    As far as the package – It was a total surprise. I’ve had no contact with this woman for years, except for texting my EX (not her) about help with finding a doc for her. I was soooooo perplexed when I opened it. I have a student intern at work and when I explained who it was from she fell off her chair laughing.

    I didn’t respond to OW and I won’t. She isn’t worth it!

  • I would have bought her remorse, if:

    a) it was genuine; and
    b) it didn’t come with the book

    If you’re seriously, truly sorry and you feel you need to apologise, why give a “gift”? Why can’t you just simply say, “I’m sorry”?

    Then again, the best apology is changed behaviour. If she was truly sorry, not only would she stop screwing around with married guys and cheating on her SOs, but she would leave you alone. Damage has already been done. Least you could do is go NC on the people you’ve hurt and go to therapy to work on your entitlement issues.

    • I’m here because I’m a chump, but back in my early 20s I got involved with a guy (let’s call him J) who had a long-distance girlfriend. J lied to me about their relationship (initially said it was open, etc.) but I knew in my gut that what I was doing was wrong. Anyways, I had no plans of being with J long-term, but I assumed that their relationship was about to end. (They were unmarried and young; he complained to me about how she seemed to hate him and they never had sex. I myself was in a terrible long-distance relationship that ended right after my fling with J, so I suppose I projected my own situation onto his.) After a few weeks we went our separate ways, living in different parts of the world. J and I remained friends for about a decade. He’d try to flirt with me and I’d simply tell him I wasn’t willing to participate in that. He stayed with the girlfriend, they got married, bought a house, had a kid. He claimed to have made changes in his life and come clean to her about having cheated on her, but given that he never stopped trying to flirt with me I highly doubt he’s faithful. Anyways, my brief fling with J was a learning experience and a mistake I never repeated. I almost forgot about it until my husband cheated on me with a bunny boiler. I realized that maintaining a friendship with that guy from my past, however chaste, was wrong given our past. Whereas previously I had told myself he alone was responsible for hurting his girlfriend/wife, I started coming to terms with what I had done to this stranger. It still bothers me, and I suppose it would feel good to reach out to her with an apology so that I could forget about it and unburden myself. But given that this woman knew about me and never made any attempt to contact me, I know that would be selfish and cruel. I wish for her sake that she’d dumped J and found someone better, but ultimately it’s none of my business and she chose to marry him knowing he was a cheater, so maybe (hopefully) she doesn’t care or think about me at all.

  • Scmoopie is a lot like my toxic cheating liar sociopath ex. Schmoopie just doesn’t get it and she never will.

    Cheaters just will suck everything out of you – time, money, sanity. It’s all completely lost on them.

    No contact with that nutcase.

  • Hope you kept that photo. One day out of the blue, from a shiny new anonymous email account, send that picture to her husband with the text, “Your wife keeps sending these to my husband. please keep your bitch on a leash because when bitches are in heat, you never know who the father of the puppies is.”
    Then delete the account.

  • I wonder what “Celestial Abraham” charged for a consult-what we could have all told schmoops for the cost of her wifi connect.

    Rock on JJ.

  • So i go along La La La reading chump lady’s funny replies and then boom
    “You can have your husband back…all the shiny has worn off.”

    HahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Still laughing.

  • As an aside, today I put a fresh copy of LACGAL in a Free Little Library near the house I am renting. I have bought more than 30 copies of the book and inscribed all their title pages with encouraging messages, a request to pass the book on if they think there is someone in their life who needs to read the message, and an invitation to check out this website. I have left most of them in Free Little Libraries in my hometown of Toronto (at least 10 have been left in the box one street over from my house when I walk the dog… they are always gone when I check a few days later) but I have made it a fun little game to try to spread the Gospel of ChumpLady elsewhere, too. As of today, I have left the books in Free little libraries in 3 different countries. I also donated 3 copies to a public library in Mexico (who knows which polyglot Mexican or gringo expat might need to read its message?!) and left one in the donate/take library on a cruise ship. I think of how grateful I was to find ChumpLady and how much reading everyone else’s stories helped me realise that it’s not me; it’s him. Perhaps some Friday challenge could be related to ways in which we have tried to spread the ChumpLady Gospel…?

    • TorontoChump,
      You truly are amazing!
      Years ago, in my time of need, had I found but one of your books, I just might be in a better place today.
      I come to CN as a shinning example of why a Chump must Leave A Cheater Gain A Life, and I only tell parts of my story.
      Reading is the greatest gift a person can give to oneself.
      Knowledge is power, and it is up to each one of us as to how we use it.
      YOU are a missionary CL.
      You are Mighty!
      I stand and salute you sweet Lady!
      🙌💜🙌

    • I have photocopied the cover and table of contents of Tracy’s book and mailed them anonymously to people being chumped.

  • Her strange gesture has gotten you back in the loop again – making contact with your ex who will be glad of the kibbles, taking up room in your head and sucked back into triangulating.
    Her health, marital status and book recommendations have no place in your life as one thing can lead to another and next thing you know your meh is busted.
    I agree with the posters who advice no contact, no response, no colluding with ex, nothing.
    Share it here if you need to unload.
    I had a weird friend request recently from OW circa 1993 who was a co worker. I won that particular pick me dance but the prize sucked.
    We are now divorced as the marriage never recovered and he cheated again with another OW who he is now with.
    I have learned the hard way that any sort of involvement is bad news.
    I think the trouble with karma is that it is only true karma when you no longer give a toss enough to enjoy it.

  • I eat really healthily and work out, plus I’ve been blessed with pretty good genes and health. As a result I’m in good shape and have never struggled with weight or body image issues. So it’s perplexing to me that I often find myself on the receiving end of diet/weight loss advice from people who are overweight and/or unhealthy. Drives me nuts. They assume that because they struggle perpetually with this problem and I’m eating white bread, I too must be struggling. But I just have to remind myself that I’m lucky not to be in their shoes, and that their pontificating to me is just a weird part of the health or self-improvement journey they’re on. So I smile, say no thanks, and change the subject. If any of these people had fucked my husband and destroyed my family I’m sure I’d have more difficulty maintaining my composure.

    Anyway, she’s trying. Maybe the cancer gave her some perspective and got her to stop and think about the choices she’d made in her life. The letter doesn’t seem so bad to me for the most part, but the book suggestion is ridiculous and gives the lie to the whole thing. It’s funny how people with no morals or self-control tend to assume everyone else has the same problem. You can tell here that she’s trying to be humble while retaining the illusion of equilibrium and sisterhood between the two of you. Her affair with your ex was the foundation of her current life, so now that she’s out of the fog and grappling with how crappy that foundation is she’s trying to spin it into a new narrative where everyone (you included) grew and blossomed from the “mistakes.” You could put her out of her misery by assuring her your life is much better without the two of them. Ignoring the letter is, of course, the easiest option. Complaining to either one of them about it is likely to make you appear ungrateful and allow her to believe she’s actually the bigger person in all of this.

  • Without knowing the whole story, I can tell their relationship did not draw to a close. She got sick, he left her. That’s how it goes with shallow human beings.

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