I saw a discussion the other day on whether or not to out your ex on social media. The comments were in favor, reasoning, “If it’s not too bad to do it, it’s not too bad to talk about it.”
Hmmm. I have questions. Is this confiding in those around you and answering honestly when asked? Or are we spamming 776 quasi-acquaintances in your cheater’s social circle?
Look, I get the temptation to Set The Record Straight. And I also understand feelings of revenge. My fantasies tended more toward the gut-him-with-a-fish-knife sort, but it all boils down to “No, YOU choke on some of the humiliation now, motherfucker.”
I think the issue comes down to disclosure (speaking your truth) and vigilante justice (outing the cheater as a fraud). I’m in favor of the first, and I have a lot of warnings and caveats about the latter.
Why outing your ex on social media is a BAD idea.
1.) You can’t shame the shameless. Who are you trying to convince here? Your ex? The wider social circle? These people are impervious to shame. Unfortunately trying to Speak Truth to Stupid tends to produce a kibble high in fuckwits. They love the drama and centrality. And the rubberneckers enjoy the show. Surround yourself with better people. Those who matter care, and those who are cool with your ex, don’t.
2.) This can be used in court against you. Do you have a pending divorce? Minor children? This shit can boomerang. As Mr. CL the lawyer says about lawsuits, “If it feels good, don’t do it.”
3.) Your cheater can do it to you. Want to stick their ugly mug on a cheater site? It’s a scam to get people to pay to take it down. There’s no vetting to do this. No “proof” it happened. Your creep could retaliate. You want to tag Schmoopie in some compromising photo, audiovisual display? Revenge porn is a thing now with jail time. NO. Leave them and their creepy snatch alone.
My opinion on exes and social media is BLOCK.
What’s been your experience?
Maybe it’s easier with a regular cheater…. when you h prefers hookers, CL encounters and escorts… ????♀️
I was told by my friend to expose my Xh … he is a public figure… that would destroy him- as far as his career and $$$ goes…
But then what?
His family would still support him, people would/ wouldn’t believe/care…. he would loose his job ( kids would suffer)
It’s tempting…. but not worth the after blow …. I’m just thinking about myself and my kids… would it benefit us in any way or cause further damage?
Revenge? Nope. I’m at meh…
You’re right. The idea of destroying him financially could backfire when it comes time for him to make child support and possibly maintenance payments. I learned there’s a thing such as a marital waste claim. Keeping good track of financial records to prove all the money a cheater wastes on his/her affair is a better use of time. It can make for a better settlement for those who are at that stage.
I was going to post my cousin’s picture on She’s a homewrecker website. But, I decided that that would not be a good idea. Even though she deserves to be shamed. SHe deserves to be outed as the POS man poaching slime that she is. It would have only backfired on me. She would have played the victim. And I would have looked like a spiteful crazy wife. It is not fair how she could play a part in ripping my life apart. And have no consequences. However, I do tell anyone who asks why my marriage failed. I tell them that my cousin(her name) and my ex had a long-term affair. Even though they deserve to be shamed taking the high road is the best.
How ironic this is the topic today when I spent my morning drive remembering the time over a decade ago that I PM’d someone who I once considered a friend how Miss Plastic Parts had sex with my husband in my bed, thinking that would convince her MPP was not to be trusted. An almost immediate retaliatory social media PM blast from MPP taught me that other people don’t care who has hurt you and that they’ll believe what they want to believe. I was the one who ended up feeling guilty about dragging someone into the drama.
Block. Block the offenders and then as you learn who stays close to them, block those people, too. I’m glad social media doesn’t limit how many people you can block because for me, that list is way longer than my friend list. And you know what, I haven’t missed even one of them.
Cuzchump, you’re right. There is no regret on the high road. Blocking is the first step to meh and we all need to get there ASAP.
My husband had a long term affair with my cousin too – she was 12 years younger than us. I was totally humiliated. Now she looks like a meth head and he dies from a heroin overdose – I have a wonderful husband and live at the beach. Stay the course ladies and let those cheating fuckwits go.
I didn’t do it directly. I put up some snarky memes after my divorce was final. I guess it was more of a passive aggressive approach but if I had it to do over I wouldn’t have even done that. It wasn’t satisfying and since I hadn’t yet blocked his family I’m sure it got back to him and gave him kibbles that he was still central.
His whole family is blocked now and when I post on social media at all it’s to celebrate things I like. Blocking is the only way to go!
“Speak Truth to Stupid”
ROFL love this! I agree, don’t waste your breath or expose yourself to retaliation. Take the high road.
The ex, will twist everything, and the ow/om won’t give a damn. live your life well is the best revenge.
The ow will probably enjoy the attention.
I didn’t slag off my ex on social media, I blocked him.
I did hear that other people made a few comments for me and I now love those people! I didn’t ask them to or anything, they just made a stand, usually under his comments about his “soul mate” and their cosmic love from the first eye contact.
I’m personally in a friend circle where everyone is so super polite, fake nice and restrained. So for anyone to break this silence and the facade is a really big show of friendship and loyalty.
Eventually, after about a year, I Unfriended his friends (I never thought that would happen as I thought I’d made lasting friendships with some of them but in the end it was so natural and easy to do) my friends Unfriended him gradually. Because they were sick of his stupid posts and it’s all settled down. We are now untangled and it feels right.
I wanted to so badly, but then realized everyone who already knew about it understood she was the town whore to begin with. So when I tossed all of his things out into the driveway, I painted a 4 x 8 piece of plywood with the words CHEATERS STUFF, hung 11 x 14 posters of the two of them together enjoying a carnival, and a drive-in movie (that she posted on Facebook), took a picture of the driveway and its contents and texted it to a select few people who cared. Hadn’t laughed that hard in a long time.
As much as I agree with the keep quiet and move on thing, I just laughed out loud (at work!) at this one and wish I could have stood there and cheered you on!
I’m not very active on social media where my name is attached. I personally never bought in much for the whole thing. But the OW is still there and lives for it. A few of my friends have outed her a few different times, never at my request or with my permission. I love them for the thought, but really I dont feel the need to give either of them the time or mental space.
I found texts proving the affair, solatious texts that were reflections on their sucking and fucking and I emailed them to everyone: family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, fellow church goers, strangers – everyone. It felt good at the time but yeah she could care less, in fact she seemed proud. And now, five years after the fact, I’m worried my daughters will find out and wonder why I shamed their mom and generally brought shame on all of us. I wish I didn’t do it; it was a bad move.
Probably not the best move in retrospect but if anyone shamed their mom it was their mom – not you!
I agree Attie, no shame on Steve or his family’s part. But I think this is an opportunity for a teaching moment if Steve’s daughters ever do find out. I think to say I was so shocked and hurt at the time I did things that I would not do now. But all of it was true. We get older and we get wiser and we learn to cope, but all of it was true.
Because it was. Remember that Steve – truth is an absolute defense, even if you wouldn’t do it again.
See this is the type of shaming that I dream about. I texted his parents (group chat) a picture I snapped of them together in the bar the night I caught their asses. The only thing I got was “I’m so sorry I don’t know what to say” from his Mom, which was true I suppose. That’s the last contact I’ve had with his parents. But at least he can’t deny to them that he’s a piece of shit, which warms my heart.
I’m not interested in letting that chick I say next to in math class twenty years ago know my business, so I wouldn’t ever blast him on the internet.
What’s the point? They do not care. That’s why they cheat. I prefer to step aside and let karma do its job.
And this gets at something I find sorta contradictory:
Basic psychology tells us that most people who cheat have high degrees of Narcissism (meaning they act without empathy)
And while (so) many of us have had the experience of watching a busted cheater “dropping the mask” after discovery and acting cold & callous in a way that might imply that they don’t feel shame…
…psychology ALSO tells us that Narcs are EXTREMELY vulnerable to shame, that shame is basically a jet engine roaring in their heads 24/7
& that their entire personalities are organized around NEVER apologizing, ALWAYS blaming others and REFUSING to take responsibility for ANY of their actions, so strong is their fear of feeling even a tiny bit more shame
Than the shame they already feel, which is substantial
And so while there are many good arguments both pro & con for social media revenge or outing them to the whole church or whatever
…I would just offer the concept that thinking they “don’t feel shame” is exactly wrong…rather we are dealing with people who feel so MUCH shame that it has totally disordered their personality.
They deeply fear public exposure & when it comes it’s the most painful thing they can experience
(whereas for us, having to explain to our kids they we lied for years on end would be the most painful…for them that feels like nothing because no one is watching them apologize)
Again, it doesn’t necessary make Public Exposure the right way to go in all situations…but psychology tells us they feel extreme pain when it occurs
Stay mighty, everyone
I think because they justify themselves and their actions so strongly in their own minds, they see any attempts to shame them publically or privately as the actions of a ‘hater’ that they have already ‘othered’ eg a wife who is cold, sexless, only after money, doesn’t love Cheater like she does that they just double down that that is what a hater would do. They see you as the enemy and reject any elements of truth in the revelations, instead focussing on your actions as someone who needs to be fought against. I discovered cheater and APs conversations, and she was very hush, hush lets not go public until a decent amount of time after your and wifeys breakup, she didn’t want to be seen as a homewrecker, so when I threatened her with public exposure, she disavowed everything, to the point that she messaged me saying he wasn’t my type etc, despite the proof I had (she didn’t know at the time), and then went about making out that Cheater had tried to crack onto her, and she had thought he was a creep who did that because of his awful wife. She got in fast with the alternative narrative and I think that’s why a lot of them are fine with public exposure, because they’ve already seeded their narrative, told their circle the chump is crazy and makes stuff up and this is just proof of it. In the end dealing with them at all is just a waste of energy. The AP made out she was being victimised and because she is disordered she just doubled down and cared less, so there was no way of getting to her.
Also, because in my case I’m 99.9% sure that AP was a grifter who was running a game on Cheater she had no emotional ties to the situation and was happy to just cut bait when things didn’t go her way. She was cold as ice, and just didn’t care, in fact she seemed to view it as sport, to compete with other women to wreck their relationships and see how much advantage she could extract from their partners. I am sure she would have bled him dry in a couple of months and dumped him if they’d ended up together, but the situation was too messy and threatened to spill over into the sporting group that they met in, so she scuttled off back under a rock and quickly hooked up with another guy with spare money who could indulge her whims, and now moved on to a big payday. I do follow her life, which I know I shouldn’t but her life seems to be more and more isolated as she burns more bridges in her life, or is cut off by people who realise she is a user. It’s her Karma, and I am happy to watch from a distance as that plays out.
The idea that Narcs are vulnerable to shame is outdated, for most people researching/working with this type of personality disorder. That was a remnant of the idea that narcissism was a protective reaction to a difficult childhood, which may be the case, and that there was still that vulnerable child inside – very much NOT so. A child, yes, but an angry toddler is more the case.
And like most toddlers, if a narc can’t get positive kibbles, they’ll take negative ones! All attention is attention!
Some are vulnerable to damage to their precious, highly-polished image – not the same thing. And others are just shameless.
Thanks for this comment, KarenE…it hits right on what is kinda puzzling me!
Like many folks here, I have done a lot of reading and consumed a lot of research about Narcissism/NPD
(personal favorite books have been BECOMING THE NARCISSIST’S WORST NIGHTMARE and WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH?…as well as the videos of researcher RICHARD GRANNON)
….but i was not aware of the shift AWAY from the idea that Narcs are running a shame-avoidance strategy as their “personality”
and TOWARDS the idea that that they are “emotional toddlers” whose development was “arrested” prior to development of their ability to feel complex emotions like “shame” (or “love” for that matter)
could you recommend any reading (or youtube videos or whatever) that can help me understand this shift in thinking?
totes fine if not, i’m just always hungry for any kind of research that can help me build my understanding…and since i was (or am) under the impression that current clinical thinking is that NPD is a shame-based system, i would love to learn more about how that view may be outdated/incomplete/just plain wrong
finally, i have a question about your last sentence:
“Some are vulnerable to damage to their precious, highly-polished image – not the same thing”
to me, someone with the ability to construct, expand & defend a highly-polished self image HAS developed past the “angry toddler” stage
because angry toddlers don’t really understand how to “present” themselves (even to themselves!) and certainly don’t understand how to change that presentation to produce desired & unearned effects in others
my personal experience has been that for my NPD STBXw, threat of exposure that would lead to shame is the ONLY thing that seems to motivate her…but i am obvs smart enough to know that everyone has their own emotional fingerprint and that extrapolating off of a single data point is a bad idea
even if you married it
stay mighty, everyone!
Hi try this for a less tolerant way of viewing character disorders
https://www.drgeorgesimon.com/category/therapy-2/
Thanks so much, Helena…these pieces are great!
Stay mighty, everyone!
This is a great insight KarenE. And totally aligns with my experience. The xhole never felt shame. And has a pretty high opinion of himself especially when he gets away with something. Then he is proud of it. Yes, he may have developed a “mask” or persona because of early childhood problems. BUT….. “Some are vulnerable to damage to their precious, highly-polished image – not the same thing. And others are just shameless.” Yes- Not the same thing!! Plus, lots of people have terrible childhoods, and they don’t all become shameless narcs.
FSW,
My understanding is that perhaps SOME narcissists at one time felt a tremendous amount of shame (years ago most likely when young). That over riding shame may have been one of the things that led to their narcissism. It may have been a way of shutting that shame down so as to numb those feelings. Once their narcissism is fully developed (by adulthood), I don’t believe they feel much of any shame anymore. They’ve gotten use to blameshifting it away with ease so the shame doesn’t touch them.
Of course, others may have become narcissists due to their ego always being pumped up (lots of praising & little to no constructive criticism for example). That’s just my take on trying to understand the possible development of it.
Your stbx most likely would have been upset about her image being damaged. It may have taken a lot of work to repair it (blameshifting, lies, manipulation). And work isn’t exactly something most Narcissists are keen to do. They want the easy way out. That is probably what she was reacting to, not shame.
I doubt she would have felt much of any shame. Shame would involve actually believing she dis something wrong, wishing she hadn’t done it & being sorry about it. She is probably just sorry she got caught. While she doesn’t want her image tarnished, she doesn’t really feel ashamed about what she did. She would do it again in a heart beat. She’ll just take more precautions not to get caught. If she was ashamed of it, she wouldn’t want to do it again. She would also be very cok concerned about the hurt she caused (be ashamed of causing that hurt). I doubt that describes your stbxw.
Thx for these great comments, RoseThorns!
You are completely correct about my (covert NPD) STBXw…privately, she shows no remorse or regret or guilt about her choices…
…but she screams like a banshee whenever anyone suggests any action that would lead to additional people knowing what she did
I guess maybe it’s a definitional issue, centering on the difference between “feeling shame” (internal locus of emotion) and “being shamed” by others (external locus of emotion)
So yes, it appears my STBXw does not “feel” shame (was happily whoring it up and sleeping great every night, would still be doing it had I not caught her)
…she can “be” shamed, if that’s what we call the highly negative reaction when she realizes her image has been irreparably damaged
Either way, I am thankful to everyone here at CL/CN for helping me understand what I was dealing with
Which was so important in helping me bag her up like a snake & begin the long walk to the river
Stay mi
love this “Which was so important in helping me bag her up like a snake & begin the long walk to the river” FSW – thankyou for the excellent imagery.
I don’t think it’s actually shame that the cheaters feel, but they don’t want to be exposed because they want their “reputation” to be spotless so they can scam everyone easier in the future.
Asshole’s entire Persona is built around being a Good Guy. Fucking around on your wife while she’s home with your young child does support the illusion.
You are absolutely right. When I found out XCheater, cheated with many married women (coworkers that I personally know them and their husbands). At first, I was tempted to let their husbands know, but I’m a Chump and thought what if one of the husbands, retaliate and hurt Cheater or their wives. I would feel guilty, even if the Cheaters have no empathy for me or my kids.
Chump²?
Outing someone publicly on social media for everyone to see is one thing. Personally, or even anonymously letting another chump know they’re being chomped is something else. It’s the right thing to do. Wouldn’t you have wanted someone to tell you years ago before you wasted more of your life. Perhaps before you brought innocent children into the mix? Imho, the AP’s spouse definately deserves to know!
@Beu: Much, I would say.
@Rose: Yes I agree with you, I definitely would have liked for someone to let me know years ago about Cheater’s affairs. In an attempt to move on, I deleted “co-workers’s” numbers, but live in a small town and I have a feeling one of these days we will run into eachother. I’m already writing down everything I feel is important for them (husbands) to know.
That’s why I tagged their names on social media as the people who caused our separation, but no details. I would hate for either of their children to see the lude messages and pictures their parents were sending to their APs. I show them to my closest friends on occasion for a good chuckle, but have never sent them to anyone but my STBX to remind him what a fuckwit he is! I do tell my children that they should be careful when sending pics of themselves because you never know who they could be passed to and this is a great example. I have multiple pics of the OW in her sexy underwear at my disposal. It’s never made her even apologize to me…they really don’t care about anyone but themselves.
Definitely her shame not yours. We all do things in the heat of the moment and proper behavior fears no exposure so ultimately she shamed herself.
Nope, took the high road. Only post happy stuff even when I was crying my eyes out behind the scenes. They could care less how you feel and it will come back to bite you in the butt. I also laugh all the way to the bank with my nice settlement check every month. Don’t want anything to possibly mess that up!
I gotta admit I did out him on d day, but my friend was there to calm me down and helped draft a tasteful paragraph about thanking everyone for their support lately, yes its true ex left for another woman, we are strong and will move on, thank you’s etc. That sort of thing. It felt good at the time, I later removed all his friends and family once I started the grey rock and no contact stuff, basically removing anyone I didn’t trust anymore.
I dont really regret it and it hasn’t come back to bite me on the butt yet but I do think its important how it is done. So not in a rage, low and get someone to help you write it so it’s tasteful
This is possibly a case of the reverse happening, although the details are sketchy and she’s not saying what she was told by the third party.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8073225/Melbourne-mayor-suddenly-calls-dream-wedding-just-hours-announcing-engagement.html
In this case, social media seems to have saved someone from a bad decision … although getting engaged to someone you’ve known for only 8 months … well … Choices, people. And due diligence.
Well, we all know that love-bombing is real. Some of us fell for it after DDay despite knowing better. He is probably very, very good at lying to others.
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2018/04/our-time-com-con-man/554057/
http://www.nbcnews.com/id/9722208/ns/dateline_nbc/t/when-your-husband-con-man/#.Xl_BHJNKhR4
I’m simply glad someone warned her off and she paid heed to the message!
This is why I now choose not to date years after my divorce. I’d rather stay a broke single mom then get mixed up in this kind of mess. I no longer trust men. That’s both a good & bad thing.
Missi having that nagging feeling something didn’t seem quite right. That’s the biggest thing others should take away from this, imho. ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT!!!
She’s “my sister”, “my cousin”, how classic. What surprises me most is that the dog really liked him. Animals are usually much better judges of someone”s true character then we are.
Thanks for Sharing this article!
Yuh, he was apparently cheating on her the whole time. Bizarre.
Lola Granola, what a great article, thanks for posting! Though the beautiful mayor says she is embarrassed, we all know that she should be PROUD for acting swiftly! And I “love” the way the EX-fiancé says, “It is a private matter and they are ‘working through things’.” Hahahahahaha Good work, Mayor!
Man, I hate that phrase “private matter.” It covers a multitude of sins, and is designed to.
“Private matter” is code for “I don’t want everyone to know what a piece of shit I am”.
“Working through things” is code for “I’m trying to get her to buy my bullshit”. Or if this phrase is used bu a chump its code for “I’m convincing myself to buy his/her bullshit”.
Married to LTC (R) Asshat for thirty four years now. Under the UCMJ adultery is a punishable offense, jail time, reduction in rank, separation from service is a possibility, ask General David Petraeus. I didn’t go to his commander that first time and I regret that. I didn’t want to ruin his career. I was a chump.
Now? Thirty three years later? I don’t care. I left him. Blocked him four months later. He is dead to me. I don’t ask after him, I don’t go pain shopping on social media, I have mentally divorced him. It is just a business deal now.
There is Power in the act of blocking your abuser. It is a statement of intention and finality. He is dead to me. His lawyer can talk to my lawyer. I am done.
“I have mentally divorced him.”
This is exactly what to do. Mentally divorce those cheaters. Forget about them. Don’t pain shop. Block anyone who spreads information about them.
As upset and blindsided as I was, I am surprized at how much decorum I showed on social media at the time.
Later, much later, I posted meme’s about cheaters, I know my associations knew exactly what I was talking about. Matter of fact, cheaters suck kind of things.
It has taken six long years since DD, and I still have fantasies of XH and OWife getting their karma in a big way. That is secondary to my recovery. I have my priorities straight.
Sometimes being triggered is terrible, and it’s lonely, no matter how Mighty you are.
BUT I have noticed my brain is playing new memories, now. Instead of sad memories of cheater pre discovery, I remember the police officer at my door who after hours of dealing with accusations told me;
“Remember we are talking about your husband, here. He is the biggest, bold faced liar I have ever met!” Even offered to have me write a complaint so he could counter xh allegations with his findings, ie: the truth. Apparently, even cops can’t just write on a report, “This is the biggest bold faced liar I have ever met.”
But that statement kept me sane. Someone really believed me. To have that “memory clip” play, in stead of sad memories, is invaluable, and took years of learning, self reconstruction and reconditioning thoughts to
I understand where you’re coming from here. I’ve actually gone back through my 18 year marriage and removed Rat Bastard from my memory clip. I realized after doing that, that I’d been doing the tough work of parenting and adulting so it actually made the memories so much better without him. I didn’t post anything on FB or social media about him. He would have loved it.
Didn’t have to out him. My STBX had a child with the AP, I was busy spackling and thinking we could survive and make it “work” (we had a three year old and a newborn, his baby with the AP was born in the middle). The baby turned one, and AP, tired of being an OW, posted something on facebook celebrating her first birthday and tagged my STBX. Everyone found out. Everyone that I wanted to know now knew, but also DIDN’T want to know – or more importantly, didn’t need to know.
He didn’t care. Created excuses on why it was ok. We, on the other hand, have a rule not to share photos of our kids over the internet. If I had done that, he would have lost his mind.
The thing is, he thinks people should feel bad for him. Twu luv, no one listens to his (pathetic) side, etc. He thinks I’m just nice so people feel bad for me. Nah, it’s just who I am (a caring, empathetic human). By her posting their affair online – everyone saw the shit show. Everyone knows our business. And NO ONE ever comes out looking like the better person cheating on their wife and mother to infant and toddler. He did that to himself. And I? Look like a mighty person. A genuine person. Especially now that I wave goodbye as he fades away in my rearview mirror.
Totally agree with you CL..
My experience is that a lot of people don’t tend to give a rats about cheating – UNLESS it’s happened to them or affected them eg. their parent did it and busted up their family.
And because of this lack of compassion and understanding it wouldn’t do much really, except cause them to decide that you are ‘bitter / angry / crazy’.
It’s more injustice and unfairness but I think it serves CN better to calmly explain, when asked.
Oceanwaters, I found that any response I had to Cheater was twisted into me being crazy.
Looking back I was under the influence of hopium and actually handled things calmly considering.
I walked into a restaurant and noticed Cheater sitting at a table, I turned around and walked out without acknowledging him. Cheater retold the story to anyone who would listen that he almost called the police because of the scene I made.., no one wanted to know the truth.
I’d say it didn’t happen, and I’d hear, it doesn’t sound like Cheater to say something that isn’t true..
Really?
They believe what they want to believe, there’s nothing you can say to convince them otherwise.
The injustice and unfairness is frustrating, let them go, they’re not your tribe.
It’s like the trash taking itself out.
Yep, many others act like it’s no big deal. Or, they play the Switzerland card. It’s so common nowadays I guess that people barely blink an eye.
Or, they blame you. I dabbled at online dating a bit years ago. I was talking on the phone with someone I had connected online with before we were to have a first date. When I gave him the brief of my marriage (xh walking out for ow) he actually said, “What did you do to make him do that?” I promptly simply said goodbye, hung up on him & blocked him immediately. I’m still proud of myself for that. This isn’t exactly related to your post but, it came to mind sulfur some reason.
Delete and Block all the way! Fastest way to healing. IMO.
And if you really want feel mighty, take a complete break from social media (instagram and Facebook in particular). Unplug for a while and plug back in to real life.
It’s liberating!
I agree with you. Something about not wrestling in the mud with pigs….it just makes you look dirty and the pig likes it.
Sums it up nicely! Just got a great laugh with my morning coffee.
I completely agree with Chump Lady on this one.
I accidentally posted an article on infidelity to my regular FB page that was meant for my private support group. It was there for about 20 minutes.
I was mortified. I really do believe it is stooping to their level and I don’t want to. To be honest it’s about keeping my integrity and how it would affect my daughter.
I tell people on a case by case basis. And like many of us in early days, I probably over-shared.
Most people blindsided by a flamethrower-wielding spouse and their affair accomplice react in ways we wish we hadn’t. I sat on my front porch and screamed and screamed and screamed into a pillow. I am sure even with the pillow the neighborhood heard me. I lost my voice. I hope he has flashbacks and dreams about that.
But my daughter knows he cheated and, like eradicating the stigma attached to alcoholism, I think it is important to talk about it. I believe if there is any redemption for a cheater, it would begin with totally cutting off the affair accomplice and being honest about cheating themselves.
If anyone should be posting about cheating on social media, it should be the cheater. Unprompted. Telling on themselves, the accomplices, and publicly apologizing to their spouse, children, friends. A public oath to do whatever it takes to change their ways.
I think that would be the primary indicator of a unicorn.
Velvet Hammer (I love all your posts) this “scream and scream” reference reminds me of a happier “laugh and laugh” (until the downstairs apt is ready to call the police). That was long after I was out and moved and no longer involved, and the X missed his powers of triangulation. So the AP/prize winner gal, the Next to my X was being manipulated and pulled back in when she kept trying to leave him; because he told her I wanted him back. Or them, really as it would have been. This was long after I had the sads; and I just thought of how much I did NOT want to step back into that triangle (this time knowingly); and the thought I would like them both back just made me roll on the floor laughing for way too long. I would sit up, cough, blow my nose, take a drink of water, try to stop… and then I’d be laughing and laughing again. I do regret she didn’t see me do that tho, because, the poor fool.. but she knew we were together back then when she was trying to win him. What a prize he was too.
I was always open about why we had separated if anyone asked. It wasn’t my secret to hide and the shame was on him. But I never put anything on FB either – although he posted pictures of him and the skank and then him and latest GF. I couldn’t care less. But what I DID do is post pictures of all the wonderful places I had visited since he left. I love to travel and genuinely posted photos for my family in other countries but he looked at them too. And I posted photos of places I had hiked round here. He loved it here and really it missed it when he went back to the States. He also told me they had tried to get latest gf a resident’s permit for France but it was refused so I know my photos drive him mad. Our youngest was in the States to see him recently (came back last week) and he called me because the kids’ flight was delayed. He said “I see you’re never home, always on the go and out and about”, so I just said “I don’t know what you find to do all day stuck at home on your own” and left it at that! I’m now at the stage that I don’t post anything with him in mind and I’m also meh enough not to care what he thinks but it felt good for a while.
UGH BLOCK HIM
Nah, I couldn’t care less one way or the other!
Attie, your life sounds amazing! What an idiot your XH is to have discarded you!
Motherchumper, my life was wonderful before I met him and since I divorced him. During the marriage? Not so much. We all know how that feels don’t we. I’m just sad it took 26 years to divorce him but what can I say, I got there in the end – as I’m sure we all will. It’s just a question of keeping on putting one foot in front of the other until we get there isn’t it!
My husband and the ow have a joint Facebook page, saying they’ve been engaged since March of last year. We’re still married. I took a screenshot of the page then blocked it. Then blocked him, her and my mother in law. I was so tempted to comment on their page about being so disrespectful for saying they’re engaged. I didn’t. I’ll leave them to blow up their own lives. Anyone who is friends of theirs won’t give a rats ass that my husband abandoned his wife, kids and marriage. Posting so publicly that you’re engaged while still married is so shameless that any comment I post won’t do a darn thing. I try not to look at the train wreck.
I posted a meme or two and some cryptic posts like “Even Bill Clinton didn’t take Chelsea on a tropical holiday with Monica Lewinsky” and people who knew me well understood And made comments while a lot of friends thought I was just making political commentary. No one knew the OW and I customized “viewable by” settings to leave out anyone in his family. I still felt guilty and took it down a day later. Another time I posted a meme about narcissistic behavior and 5 or 6 FB friends commented on their beliefs about our president and didn’t seem to know who I was talking about. And a comment series on a picture I posted of my car after it was vandalized turned to him-once again with no names. The car was one he had leased for me as a gift a few months before D-Day, when I came back from a conference. I later discovered she had been in town while I was gone and he had left our girls unsupervised at home while he shacked up with her. In the comments on the picture I posted after it was vandalized (the post was unrelated to him) a friend said “time to get rid of the guilt car” and we had a little exchange at his expense. It felt good at the time but I later hid the comments. His name was never mentioned in the comments. One traitor had taken a screenshot of the tropical vacation post for him but his lawyer apparently told him it was useless in court because it didn’t mention him by name and all the comments were playing off the analogy I made. I did notice a few months later that a couple people who were sort of acquaintances rather than friends had unfriended me on Facebook but, I later found out it was because they thought my posts were about Trump. ????
I wanted to go complete Viking scorched earth on XH who is a semi- public figure in the legal world (if there is such a thing! Nowadays with so many obscure “social media influencers” who are “famous” I don’t think XH is near as well known as he thinks he is). However, he is a rich sociopath who hired a truly immoral female attorney to try to financially destroy me in the divorce and obtain 50-50 custody despite not seeing our kids in two years! So, I had to keep my mouth shut. I told people in our inner circle the details, too many details I’m sure, but I was suffering major trauma and out of my mind with pain and grief. The forums here (now moved over to reddit) gave me the outlet I needed to vent.
Fast forward 5 years. I am a member of a closed professional FB group. Cheaters and OW occasionally post about their heinous activities, seeking validation. I go off on them and tell what XH did, link to CL, and call it domestic violence/fraud/assault with risk of bodily harm (STDs). We have a strict no-screenshot policy. Despite not naming XH, someone must know him (maybe a former AP) and told him. He threatened to sue me. Fuck him! He will not gag me. I’m writing a book about what XH did and the fallout because the facts are so extreme and I want to add to the growing cannon of CL’s philosophy that this is domestic violence and WRONG! I want to effectively counter the RIC’s, sex addiction apologists’, and counseling professions ‘ self-serving “stay for the marriage” bullshit. Tracy has inspired me.
I plan to hire a fantastic literary attorney to navigate this with me when I complete my draft later this year.
Cannot wait to read this! Keep us informed!
Good for you! It will no doubt be an excellent read.
You go, MC!
Now THAT’S a book I want to read!
Let us all know when it comes out
As tempting as that was, it was necessary for my own peace of mind to block block block! I even dumped all social media for about a year after the discard. I’ve seen chumps trumpet the evils of their “waywards” and it never makes them look good, it makes them look bitter. Better to at least appear everything is rosy..much more attractive and less awkward
kB, just want to say I don’t care who thinks a victim is “bitter.” Those cheater apologists can F the F’ity off! If a person isn’t “bitter,” “enraged,” “devastated,” etc etc after being horribly abused and conned by their own spouse, sometimes for decades, I would question what is wrong with them!
I agree, Mother Chumper. Anyone who thinks a chump or victim is bitter is someone I don’t really care What they think. They’re assholes, too.
I’ve been nc for 2 years now. There have been times when it’s all I could do not to go on social media. He learned he can’t control me anymore so he’s attempted to control what other people think of me, including our son who has Aspergers. He did such a number on him that my son posted a vile and extremely offensive post on Facebook on Mother’s DayAbout what a terrible mother I was and how I manipulated him (my son) to screw my ex. It was actually the other way around, but we know that story. My son’s parting shot on Facebook was, “she’s not the saint you all think she is.” It took everything I had in me to NOT post something, but I didn’t. The ex has turned both my kids against me and they are all blocked. He used my kids as flying monkeys.
The point is I’ve refused to speak to him and he knows nothing about my life and I haven’t given him any ammunition. I can tell this from the lengths he has gone to. And yet the people I care about laugh at his antics because they know the truth. Anyone else can go f**k themselves.
Mata Hari (or I should say, “Mighty Hari” for you are mighty!) Thanks for your post.
MataHari, I hope your kids see the light some day. In the meantime, you really are mighty!
MataHari, ex manipulated our son to think I’ve been a terrible Mother and that ex had no other option than to leave. My son posted on Mother’s Day that I’m nothing more than the egg donor. I was a devoted wife and mother. I volunteered in all his classrooms at every grade level until high school, I got him involved in sports, music. Ex had every opportunity to become involved but refused. I planned and hosted all his sleep overs, pool parties, birthday parties. We were close until Dday. Our son knew he was leaving before I found out. Ex was a distant father who showed little to no interest in our son or his activities except to complain or criticize. Cheaters are cunning manipulators and they start months if not years prior to Dday, confiding to outsiders of our “mental illness”, or “personality disorders” pretending to be the silent victim to our abuse. It’s all carefully planned. They’re incredibly cruel and malicious.
Brit and Mata Hari, I am sorry your children have been manipulated. My Dad did that to me, too. I will never forgive him for that. It wasn’t until I was older, that I saw through him. They may come around, but it may take your husband basically doing to them what he did to you.
I DID *** NOT *** OUT THE MILITARY CHEATER AND HIS POND-SCUM ARMY CAPTAIN GIRLFRIEND.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. I threatened to several times but I knew that doing so would get me a bigger financial settlement. (And it did). I can’t claim that I wanted to be the better, bigger person…. OR…. that I had more integrity.
It simply came down to the long term strategy of “what’s in it for me if I do?” as well as “what money is still in play if I don’t?” It would have done me NO good if he had been dishonorably discharged from the military as this would have affected my claim to my share of his future military retirement. I had the trump card… and he knew it. I got the uncontested divorce I wanted under the terms that I dictated. No pity for him. (As it was, he was flashing his new 21-year-younger prize publicly all over the place anyway. It was noticed. His serious lack of judgment got him relieved of Command, cancelled off deployment, and made him (and Twat Muffin) non-promotable. The Army also “suggested” that he put in for early retirement. I had nothing to do with any of that. He lost a 31-year military career and the respect of everyone who knew him as a military officer. In the meantime, I am looking forward to my court-ordered due military retirement as well as SBP – former spouse coverage – for life.
Revenge-by-Proxy is sweet.
I never outed CheaterX on social media. I did want him to be known as a cheater, so I told one of his former colleagues–a woman with the biggest mouth I know. I have no doubt that every single person he worked with knew within 24 hours.
I told myself while I was lining up my ducks–a process that took almost 2 years–that revenge is a dish best served cold. I knew that Schmoopie was bad news. Anyone with a brain knew that. She was living beyond her means, her child had just turned 18 (which probably meant the end of child support from Husband #1), and she was clearly trying to line up a sexual harassment suit against the company (not hard to do, as it was a largely male environment) so that she could carry on with her current unsustainable lifestyle.
I knew that he was putting on a show for her, buying her stuff and paying her bills. She must have thought he was rolling in money. I figured that after they were married, she’d probably drain him dry within a year. It turned out it took six months.
At the same time, I didn’t want him to lose his job. He makes a very good income for this area, so it’s very possible that even 50% of his Social Security would be better than what I’d make once I retire.
So my revenge was telling the gossip, letting her do the dirty work of telling everyone else, and letting the two cheaters marry each other with the predictable results.
There is nothing good about it. People don’t care if your a cheater. You just give people something to gossip about. Honestly I will never vent to anybody anymore about a cheating ex. The cheater is a manipulator and if he is charming or is generous with people that know you for instance they will like them anyway . Those of us with true values and loyalty must learn to move on and not worry about what the cheater does anymore. Posting on social media will only backfire on to you somehow.
I spent weeks perfecting an email to send to all of our employees, outing the ex-hole and the ho-worker. I had intended to click send as I made my dramatic exit from the company. I thought that the scandal would destroy the business and I wanted to make sure i was out before that happened. The shit sandwich is that, against my wishes, he came clean to the senior staff and nothing happened, they’re all still there. They couldn’t have cared less. I have been saddened to realise just how many people seem to have no problem with serial cheating and abandonment.
Nothing more infuriating than insipid or non-response to bad behavior. You would expect more from professionals. However, believe it or not it does demean them with employees that value decency. I’m sure the affair was gossip fodder, you just weren’t in on it.
I didn’t out him on social media…..BUT I did out him to the administrators of both Match and Plenty of Fish. We met by him approaching me on Match back in 2009. He was nothing but a predator–actually a predatory opportunist parasite (I refer to him as POP here).
He showed up on Match after I finally got him out of my life and I contacted Match. After giving them a detailed account of his (lack of) character, his predatory and abusive behavior and the offer of sending them police records of his arrests for same while with me, they quickly took my word and banished him permanently.
Then a few years ago, he showed up on Plenty of Fish. It was far more arduous to get their attention but I finally succeeded. He was removed and permanently banned.
Anything I can to do keep him from doing to anyone else that he did to me, both his former wives and other women who have been in contact with him in the past, I will continue to do if the opportunity presents itself.
Thank you for helping other women avoid a preditor. I met a few doozies on POF and wasted time finding out their truths. It was not a complete waste though since I discovered CL while navigating my single phase!
We shared a FB. The questions came in as soon as I took him off and made it just me. I also posted a few cheater memes. But that was less obvious because I’d always posted stuff about people with low integrity.
On one or two posts, sidebar conversations came up about him. I’m sure his family and friends told him about it, but I didn’t really care if he found out or not. I wasn’t posting for his attention. After a while I blocked his family and friends. Not because I cared about him finding out, but for my own peace of mind. 8 didn’t want to see or hear about him or both of them. I’ve been at meh for about 4 years now.
I went quiet on social media after DDay, but I was “friends” with some of OW’s family members. I posted a targeted meme just to them of “God won’t ever send you someone else’s husband.”
And then I unfriended them and got busy living a life that doesn’t revolve around pictures of my food or selfies. Anyone who cares about me enough to know what happened reaches out other ways, and I’m honest with them.
This is better, and my life is good.
XAss outs himself. Even after the years of defamation towards my character and the Champion level impression management, it seems its hard to cover up the fact that you may not be such a stand up guy when you start posting happy couple pics and move the woman and her kid into your family home a bare 3 months after your wife walks out.
The one comment I got from a mutual friend was, “Yeah, I thought that relationship happened rather quickly”.
When she dumped him and ran, his social media was all rage and self-pity and how the world is so mean and out to get him, but he will rise above it all and triumph! He blocked me almost immediately when I left, so all this I hear 2nd hand, and that’s enough I have no desire to actually see the drivel he posts.
When I do post on social media, which is infrequently, it pictures of the loaf of bread I managed to bake, or an accomplishment of our son. It’s all pretty obvious to anyone who takes a good look who is living authentically, and who is not.
My Ex has spent the the last 3 years blasting me and every friend and family member of mine on social media. He cheated and threatened me out of marital home moved whore in. He continues to cuss me out on court server. He is apparently pissed off he got consequences for his cheating. Your real friends know the truth and anyone that believes crap on social media you don’t need as friends. So block- delete yourself. Don’t waste your time!
You reap what you sew… I didn’t have to put anything on social media for the truth to come out. Word spread without any intervention by me. When they moved in together 5 months post divorce and are now engaged 7 months post divorce it’s very clear to everyone what really happened.
I’ll continue to keep my hands clean and reap the long term benefits of rebuilding myself and my life for me and my precious little ones.
Blocked. Everywhere. And OW/wife too.
I’d never do anything on social media that would hurt my kids. And this would.
Cheater ex outed himself in a most spectacular fashion. He made national news….. posthumously. No matter what his family had to say about me nobody listened.
Now, I don’t care. I live the best life I can, be the best person I can, and if someone doesn’t like me…. too bad.
Deleted forever my Facebook account so it is not traceable. I can’t see him and he and his hoes cant see me. It was a great move, difficult at first (going not contact and resisting untangling the skein of fuckupedness) but definitely don’t miss it now.
I even unfriended him on Pokemon go, that is how much I don’t want anything to do with him.
Social media is a very useful evidence gathering tool as they can’t flaming help themselves so has great potential for pre D-Day/pre settlement intel gathering.
Then block and think about who everyone else sees your profile who might be a flying monkey.
Tidy.
I did this immediately as once the evidence gathering was done (at which point my heart was truly breaking) it was so so painful but that had its uses but I didn’t want to keep going there.
However, just to make sure I got the message the ex changed his profile pic almost immediately to a pic of them in a passionate embrace. You would think he’s a teenager. No one else has such a pic on every single person I know on social platforms. I often think it was a ploy cause he knew I had blocked to make sure that if a mutual friend posted something and we had he knew I’d see the pic. Who knows and who cares.
Also if you get good evidence in the discovery phase. Screenshot it and somehow make it date traceable as if they realise you see stuff it very quickly gets removed and they pretend it never existed.
Any other posts to out them or talk about what they’ve done. Just gives them oxygen and importance. Stick to pictures of cute cats.
I once posted a really good article about the affects of betrayal that was of general interest and well written but no name shaming, nothing. I also have a profile pic of me and my daughter because Schmoopie is bound to be some crazy social media obsessed person looking at the inspirational quotes she posts and the like for SURE she has stalked my accounts so at least it’s a reminder that my daughter ALREADY HAS A MUM THANKS VERY MUCH.
As much as I was tempted to out him on social media, what would it have really accomplished? He did a pretty good job of ruining his own life all by himself. I think you have to give up the need to have your “rightness” and moral superiority validated by likes on Facebook. Don’t waste your time, go live a fabulous life. The sooner the better.
My instinctive reaction to this idea is:
1. You may find out to your disappointment that most other people really don’t care how much you have been cheated on, humiliated, ripped off, or otherwise harmed by your ex.
2. The cheater can come after you, either legally or with his/her own creative forms of revenge.
3. Your attempts at shaming the other party will make you look small and vengeful, and fit the narrative of a “woman scorned”.
How do I know? I’ve tried it and it doesn’t turn out roses for you. Being vengeful is very stressful on you.
Much better to follow the high road, ignore the whore, and use your time and talents to move forward.
Here, seven years on, my ex is repeating his mistakes with the OW and living a miserable existence, tied down by the spawn he created with her. She has shown her colours, he continues to cheat and be a lazy bastard, and they have chosen to exhibit their tawdry life for all to see on her so-called blog. I enjoy reading it, for I feel vindicated that I set him free to ruin his life. The criticism they get from strangers gives me my daily chuckle.
If it feels good don’t do it……very true.
Go silent and deadly instead. It keeps your enemies off their feet….the ex, the ex lawyer., the cheater.
If gives the ex and fuck partner less intel to use against you.
The only thing I posted was when I was divorced – a simple “I’m divorced” with “If you don’t know what to say to that, say congratulations :)” in the comments. This was after my ex and most of his family was blocked. I wanted people to know why my name changed and that I wasn’t married anymore, and it was easier for me to tell them en-mass.
I still got shit from his cousin, how horrible it was for me to celebrate being divorced, so I deleted her comment and blocked her, privately messaged her to say she has no idea what I went through and that yes I absolutely was celebrating getting myself out of an abusive situation. End conversation. I’ve since learned that even explaining that much to people that have a vested interest in believing what they want to believe and not reality is a waste of breath, time, and emotional energy.
Somehow (probably said cousin) my ex found out about the post and threatened to bring it up in court, but I just ignored the threat – I can’t imagine any court caring that I made an announcement on social media that I’m divorced. ???? I think poor ex’s amazing image was threatened and he was in a rage. Poor baby.
Seriously, these cheaters. ????
I never outed cheater pants on social media as him and schmoopie don’t do social media because they have absolutely NO real friends in life. I never outed him to his boss because if he had lost his job it would have hurt me too. I told my inner circle and of course everyone at his work knew because they nanced around like love sick fools in front of the universe. I do know, however, that they both got in trouble from their bosses for being idiots but I had nothing to do with that.
I saw on Facebook where this woman was wailing and gnashing her teeth about her cheating X and she looked ridiculous. Even her own kids were telling her on her page to STFU.
Personally, I firmly believe that the best revenge ever is going on to lead a great life without them. It also goes a long way toward dispelling the toxic myths they’ve been spreading about you, how you are crazy, bad, evil, unhinged, made them unhappy, what a shrew you are, and so on. You getting back on your feet and enjoying your new life speaks louder than any words and is the ultimate antidote to any cheater’s poison.
As for social media, it’s just not a place to air your dirty laundry. It rarely works out in your favor. That said, people in your life should be informed truthfully about what happened regardless of whether they believe you or the cheater. It is not your job to whitewash cheater’s image and overall, we need to stop the culture of silence about this issue. Why did you split? He/she cheated. Simple, direct, honest and factual. Leave your audience to do with that what they will and what their own character dictates and judge them accordingly as people who are worth your time or not.
I made one completely savage social media post, immediately regretted it, deleted it and blocked him, her, and anyone connected to them. I even, bleh choke down that shit sandwich, apologized (in front of others so it was well known) then never spoke to shmoopie again. Although she tried contacting me ALL.THE.TIME for awhile
Since exhole would have used any sort of outing as “parental alienation” I stayed hidden for years until we were divorced and the business lawyers had done their thing. That took five years. I have no contact with him on social media. What I do is occassionally post chumplady articles to facebook. They speak for themselves. And anyone who cares, knows why I’m posting. It also serves as a kind of public service announcement. It’s a way of informing anyone I know who might know someone who is in a similar situation. I have adult children who are my FB friends, and they never comment. It’s information for them too, but I sometimes wonder if I’m doing the wrong thing? They’ve never said anything about it. Mostly they are into all the other alternate social media universes because FB is for old folks.
Going to go against the grain here and say that I did out him on social media and I think it was a big step in the healing.
Maybe I’m younger than other chumps on here but it felt right, even though I am not a big sharer online. Probably depends on the kind of cheater you have too. Mine is no narcissist or master mind.
I think I did it quite elegantly. My letter didn’t mention his name or tag him. I just tagged the women who had been helping me through the last months. I guess tagging people made it appear on those people’s timelines so the message spread very very far. It had over 100 likes.
My letter just said “hey I will be/have been unavailable,” “I am extremely ill with PTSD” “life is very difficult” “I cant sleep, I have panic attacks” “I am seeking treatment but it’s expensive“ “Here’s a little about what happened” I closed with general advice “if you think about trading up have the decency to ditch the old model first” I think keeping the letter on the tangible outcomes of the cheating, the science of PTSD, and how grateful I was to be supported by my brave female friends kept it out of the crazy zone? *shrug*
I expected pushback from his friends, instead I got a deluge of support. My close friends became even more supportive. People I only sort-of-knew reached out with their own heartbreaking stories. His own friends messaged me with shock and horror. I learned of so many struggles and abuses I didn’t know friends were struggling with. Some of them said they wish they had been brave enough to share.
I am still surprised to this day I did this. But my intent was probably to surprise myself (and him). I wasn’t going to roll over and “be friends” like he thought. It felt vulnerable and embarrassing but also brave. It made me feel in control of the narrative (without having to reopen the wound telling the story every time I saw someone.)
Hey Sleepless this is a great perspective. Thanks for sharing. At the time, I would have thought I needed to “be strong” and not let him know how deeply I was impacted. I like this approach – after all it is not your shame to bear and it is good for people to see the impact of infidelity. It’s ugly and very human. How can people not relate to what you shared?
I will consider this if I ever am in the position of offering advice to a friend (hopefully won’t need it myself). Hard to go wrong with the truth.
There is no way I would have outed my x on social media. When he found out that I had told a couple close friends about his abuse, he was livid and got scary and violent with me. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if I had posted anything online. Instead, I went NC, deleted my social media, and went about getting the divorce done.
Before cutting off contact, my cheater did a social media blast about a third party that supposedly “abused her.” Everyone and their mother came running to help serial cheater/serial rapist. The third party did confront and yell at serial cheater/rapist, but only because cheater/rapist had sexually assaulted him (the third party) for literal decades and manipulated him about it. Her social media post destroyed the third party’s reputation and social contacts.
Just hours before she social media blast accused him, she came after me and verbally abused and yelled at me before trying to break into my house to get me. This was also followed by her doing some real creepy stalkerish stuff to me on social media.
By the time I cut contact with her, I was scared to death she was going to get a gun and come after me or the third party or my friends or family. Also she has such a strong following of flying monkeys. There was no point; no one would believe me or her other victims. I cut and ran out of dire fear.
She was at the time threatening to murder said third party and she has a history of physical abuse and making threats to people’s lives.
I don’t do social media at all.
My now ex-wife did (a lot) and probably now wishes she hadn’t. She couldn’t resist trumpeting her new relationship to all who would listen as soon as she had left the kids and I. This came back and bit her on the ar*e during our divorce, as I was able to counter a number of her lies to the Judge with screenshots from her public FB profile. Things went very much my way as a result and I gather that her profile is now a lot less public.
Another issue that I’ve noticed is stalking via our childrens’ Instagram posts. By way of an example, eldest daughter (23) and I were having dinner in a nice restaurant to celebrate daughter’s recent success in her new job. Eldest daughter posts a picture of me; we were having a lovely evening and why wouldn’t she?
Within 5 minutes ex-wife texted daughter 3 or 4 times demanding to know what we were doing and what we were celebrating. When eldest daughter did not respond, she then blew up son’s phone (he’s now 20 and studying in a different part of the country) demanding to know what daughter and I were up to and whether I had been promoted at work.
The kids are now very careful about what they post about me, as they are just done with her sh*t.
I too don’t do social media, but the ex wife does-a lot . In fact that’s where she met her affair partner. Her mom and brother have blocked her on Facebook because of her posts (inappropriate messaging with men while married, bragging about her new boyfriend and leaving her family).
My son was on Facebook last week and was very hurt and upset. He looked at her Facebook page and saw pictures of the two of them together, her posting how they flew to Hollywood for dinner and she posted about their relationship status. Not the first time one of my boys encountered her hurtful garbage on Facebook.
I had him delete the app. It’s pain shopping. We all experience enough pain because of her actions; no need to add more.
If you are dealing with a violent sociopath you have to be extra careful, especially if you have kids, and social media is a luxury I cannot afford.
My ex is abusive AF and crazy. He is currently trying to convince everyone that I (5’4” in height and severely chronically ill) actually was beating HIM (6’ tall and years of aggressive martial arts training) while we were married (we divorced over five years ago). Talk about DARVO!!! I guess his family believes him because they act like he needs to be protected from me at visitation drop offs. ????
He has also tried to convince the courts multiple times of Parental Alienation Syndrome (supposedly me alienating the kids from him). Nope, he manages to do that just fine all on his own.
I can’t have a social media presence at all because he will try to twist anything I post or say against me. Unfortunately, this is a really effective way of silencing domestic violence victims (that would be me and my kids). And he gets to control the social narrative entirely.
On the other hand, in court- he gets absolutely no traction on the Parental Alienation front. And keeping my kids safe is the most important thing to me. My ex would LOVE it if I had posted any social media about him cheating on me or beating me (etc etc) because then he could use it against me in court. He would say to the court “if this is what she posts on social media, can you imagine what she is telling the kids about me behind closed doors???”
So for the sake of my kids I have to watch every single thing I say or post. So I usually don’t post at all. It makes me angry because he can make as many mistakes as he wants, but I can never make a single mistake. He’s taken me to court 3 times in the last 5 years, for more visitation time- despite only utilizing 50% of the time he has now.
He uses the court system to:
-force me to interact with him (at one court interaction he found me right after exiting the building and ran at me in a rage as if he was going to attack me- and stopped at the last minute). The message was: you are not even safe in court. I was incredulous, terrified, but also thinking I would take a punch because then the proof would be on the court cameras, so I just stood my ground, waiting for the punch that never came. At the last minute he veered and ran off.
-from giving my youngest child any kind of a heads up to be careful around their father. (My oldest already know from personal experience, and I can’t allow anything at all to be said to my youngest because it could be used against me as Parental Alienation).
-to bleed my fiancé and me dry ($25,000 in debt to date trying to keep the kids out of his hands)
-to silence me
Honestly, I’m afraid to even post here. I don’t want my ex to even know my state of mind, anything about my life could possibly be turned into a weapon to use against me.
Luckily, I’ve never been into social media even though I’m on the younger side of middle aged. There is nothing for him to dig up and use against me. This has been one of my strongest points in court, because he makes wild accusations but has no “proof” of any kind to back it up.
At the same time- my ex is ACTUALLY trying his best to use Parental Alienation against me with my youngest. I just continue to try to be the best mom I can be, do the right thing always, and trust that love will triumph over evil.
Oh! I forgot the story where one of the affair partners accused me of making a social media blast about her. …!! I did no such thing. I was silent except for telling my closest friends one on one. I wish I had. But I did nothing.
As a general rule, that’s good advice. But I know for a fact my cheater is absolutely terrified of being outed. It got me an agreement wherein I keep my mouth shut on social media and I get a new house, the equity from the old house, the car, the furniture as well as the 50% of his earnings the law entitles me to. He also agreed to keep me on his supplementary health plan and made me the irrevocable beneficiary of a million dollar life insurance policy.
But I have no such agreement with the malignant narc schmoopie who, even though she didn’t even want the FW, repeatedly urged him to leave me, passed on HPV since she told the cheater condoms weren’t needed as she’d never had sex with anybody but her husband (a bold-faced lie, she’s a serial cheater) and deliberately got him caught, just to be cruel to me and “win” her sick little game. She was also involving her kids in her affairs, which is emotional child abuse, and there’s even a strong possibility she’s repeatedly abused their dog. So yeah, I burned that monster to her husband and to the public at large, and I regret it not at all. She’s covert in her toxic behaviour, is a cringing little coward, and doesn’t have the stones to retaliate, but if she did, there would be thermonulcear war and she would lose. I did it all anonymously, from a cyber cafe and paying cash, so there’s no way she could even prove I did it if she were to be so foolish as to try to sue me.
If you do go this route, you have to be prepared to be more ruthless than they are and burn their little playhouse to the ground, and you must be totally anonymous. Make it look like you’re a friend who heard the story.
If you’re not prepared to go balls to the wall or it could possibly affect your divorce/custody agreement, I agree that it’s best to let it drop.
I blocked XH on fb more for myself than him. I did not want to see what was going on in his life and figured that was one more way of getting him out of my head. I also didn’t want him to be able to check up on me. Regardless he had the kids give him their log in information and was following me anyway.
One thing I did that really helped me was start a Pin on Pinterest with memes, etc that had to do with how I felt about him. You know the snarky ones, the ones that discuss how sucky narcs can be, the ones wishing for karma. Every time he pissed me off I did that. Of course it was a locked pin so no one else could see them. And believe me I have quite the treasure trove at this point.
As time went on and he did stupid ass things to the kids or myself, I would post one on fb. All of my close friends would laugh because they knew who it pertained to. It was my way of getting at him without all the drama and more or less just satisfying myself. Its amazing how good you can feel calling someone a dickhead or wishing karma on to them. He was so stupid, he never would have made the connection.
I am one of the lucky few whose ex never really had any social media presence so I never had to worry about blocking him or deleting him although I would blocked him if he did. I have always been really open about my situation on my own social media accounts. I will post articles, memes, etc., that speak to what I went through when I was divorcing my fuckwit. I’ve had quite a few friends privately message me to thank me for being so open because it lets them know they’re not alone when they are undergoing similar trauma. I am friends on social media with a number of people who I know only through ex (his childhood friends, college friends, work friends, etc.) and a few of his relatives and none of them have ever said anything negative to me about what I post. In fact, several of them have been incredibly supportive. I don’t go into any of the lurid detail since I’m also friends with my kids on social media and while they know their sperm donor is a cheating fuckwit, they don’t need to know about his excessive porn usage, fucking strippers in our minivan, and other sordid acts. I save those stories for Chump Nation, lol. While I don’t share the detail online anywhere but here, I also don’t hide who I am here which is why I use my real name and my real photo. I subscribe to the “if you weren’t too embarrassed to do it, you shouldn’t be too embarrassed to have every Chump in Chump Nation either laughing at you or shuddering in disgust at your antics” school of thought. After all, the former-stripper-felon-drug- addict bride is just dumb enough to be one of those OWives who show up here whining when they are cheated on too.
Ohhhhh the temptation!!!!
I have wanted to post on SM, tell his family, his coworkers, his friends and scream from the rooftop that he has been looking up and hooking up with gay men. I daydream about what I would say, where and how I would say it and the repercussions that would follow him.
However, my rational brain has won the battle inside my mind to not go down this rabbit hole.
Boy do I want revenge in the worst way but really, after all the chips are laying on the table I realize that revenge is a dish best served cold.
With that said, I sit back and fantasize about the cold dish of revenge he has plated all on his own. The skanky gas station sushi kind of plate. I know my worth and what I brought to the table. I am confident My shoes will not be filled by some rando on Adam4Adam. Just as I know my heartache won’t be healed by a two minute rant on Facebook blasting him and his gay late night hook ups.
If your tempted, don’t do it. Before you hit that submit button, remember, you can’t unring the bell. Walk away with grace, dignity and respect for yourself because those traits in us our cheater can never take away!
About 4 months after sleep separated, 2 months after I moved out, I made a post on Facebook announcing my divorce. It was reserved and many people told me (in person) that it was very tactful and full of grace. I blocked TwinkleDick not long after that. I had blocked SparkleTwat right away.
I ended up unfriending his entire extended family and friends, more than 70 people. They were initially supportive but I learned very quickly that they didn’t really give a fuck about me and welcomed SparkleTwat into their lives without question. Apparently 17 years of marriage and 2 kids doesn’t count for anything these days. I mean I get it, he’s family, they’re kind of stuck with him and whatever hag he replaced me with is part of the deal.
In person I tell people enough that it’s clear he cheated on me without going into detail. On social media I share some things about my healing journey without mentioning him, her, or his betrayal.
The reality is, my parents are the only people who liked him. Nobody else could stand him, they just never told me. He has no friends except for one mutual friend from college (where we met). Otherwise it’s just him, SparkleTwat, and his family of assholes. So there’s no use in outing him, everyone in my life is glad he’s gone, including me!
I am happy to say that I have not done any social media bashing. I have done PLENTY of furious texting to my ex…. and only my ex. I’ve gone no contact with his AP, family, friends, etc. every single one of them got blocked on my social media, he beat me to it and blocked me first, but whatever. I don’t care.
His AP has tried to contact me, however. Last summer, he sent me a weird text to which I wrote back , “huh?” And he wanted to know if I had blocked her. I had because I have no desire to ever converse with her and I don’t have to. Apparently, she was trying to contact me because a bunch of her family members were in an accident outside of their town and the kids were with him and her. He was at work and she was trying to contact me regarding arrangements of my kids….
Baloney. She wanted to contact me so I could know of her terrible crisis. I told him he needs to contact me or she can have the girls call me from their house phone. She didn’t have to contact me…. I have no need to speak to her.
So, he punished me. Our kid was in the ER a couple weeks later and he didn’t call me until after she’d been discharged while that whore sat with MY kid. We’re to contact the other parent “immediately” in that situation and he didn’t because he was “too busy” and she couldn’t call because I’d blocked her. So, I had my lawyer write him a letter.
Anyway…. I RE-Fuse to give him or that Ho a mention on social media. No way. I’ll bitch and moan here, but I’m not doing it in public.
I truly agree with your points! The high road may give us a nosebleed, but it’s worth taking every time. That said, I actually did “out” my ex on social media. But I had already blocked and removed everyone associated with the event. It was not to shame the shameless or even to sway the fickle court of public opinion to “my side.” It was to give myself social breathing room.
I was being asked constantly by well-meaning and not so well-meaning people in my community. My social circle is small and so respectful, it would never have occurred to them to spread the news themselves, bless them. So being asked was like being forced to revisit a crime scene over and over again. I felt broken and utterly humiliated and having to recite what happened scraped at the last bit of sanity I had left. I needed to talk about it desperately, but with professionals and people who love me, not nosy strangers who felt entitled to my unfortunate narrative.
So I gave them the facts of the matter, nothing more. My statement had all the emotion of a press release. No inflammatory language, no accusations, no name calling. And no one has asked me since. It gave my community what they wanted without having to drag me through the mud every single time to get it. I don’t regret it; it was a necessary indignity to spare myself greater pain. I have been told many times that no one could have possibly conducted themselves with such class and composure, so I count it a modest success.
Oh, man, I was white HOT with anger, and I said every nasty thing I could to his face and to his phone via text. I regret all of that.
They do not care. Nothing you say will make them care.
And just as importantly, NNNNobody else cares. Ironically, it was my ex who taught me years prior that “Nobody cares what happens to you–they care how you react.”
To that end, against every impulse in my being, I took the high road–or pretended to publicly. I told everyone who mattered the truth, knowing some of them loved to gossip (unleash the hounds!!). But social media was reserved for me to show people that I had a LIFE!! I posted everything there, proving how happy I was.
Take. The. High. Road. In your depths of despair and desperation you have to have faith in this message. You will not regret what you don’t say.
Exposing the cheater makes you look bitter and unstable. You may have the right (you have the right) but trust me it’s not the look you’re going for. It’s not a way to garner sympathy. It makes you look toxic and troublesome, and will be a repellent. It may even serve as vindication for the cheater and OW and gives them fodder for laughing and bonding over your bitterness.
The most important reason not to tell? Your kids are going to see that, and their friends will, too, and it will be humiliating for them, and it will HURT them.
Take the high road.
Go ahead and tell, but do it discreetly and with class–not on social media, which is forever.
I don’t do social media. Maybe a generational thing? My children used it more when they were young, but now that they are adults, they use it more as a way to get information to their friends about upcoming events, at least that’s what they tell me, because I don’t go on their sites. When I am with friends who Facebook, they show me things on their site posts, and most of the time it would be things I am not interested in. I feel some of the things they show me are just not true, but it doesn’t really matter to me. They sort of remind me of those old timey annual Christmas letters to family and friends which inflate all the good stuff, and don’t mention any of the bad stuff. I do have a family member who stalks my children’s Facebook pages and calls me to ask for details, or answer questions. It is pretty funny, because I usually don’t have any idea what she is talking about, or why she would be interested. Also, I have no interest in what her children are doing — they are all adults, and have their own lives.
I guess I just believe in minding my own business. If I learn someone is a liar and a cheater, I conclude they will lie and cheat on social media. If someone posts something about me, and other people believe it, without knowing me, or having a reason to care, they are the ones with a problem. My brief experience with dating sites gave me enough information to know that there were many lies and half truths on those profiles, and there were many predators on those sites. I know my last ex used many of those sites, and his posts were filled with lies. I found those when I was playing the marriage police game. I wish I had not spent so much time doing that!!!
I think the most discouraging thing about dealing with other people in general is that you don’t find much THERE there when you scratch the surface. They seem shallow and easily impressed by material things, and they don’t discern much. Too much time is wasted watching other people, and too little time is spent on doing positive things for yourself and your loved ones. I could care less about any political Tweets, or selfies taken by vain celebrities. I doubt there is much truth in any publicity release. Call me a cynic, but I wish I had the time back I wasted on worrying about my cheating ex’s, and thinking about how to fix their problems. I could have accomplished more positive things in my life if I had used the time to read a good book, or see a good movie, or even clean my house.
These folks are a waste of oxygen, and space on earth. Don’t give them any extra time in your mind, you have many better things to do!
I used to be addicted to social media until last year. I can’t tell you the improvement it made for me mentally and emotionally. You realize how much time you wasted on bullshit and how much time you spent on posting stuff just for someone to see. It’s kind of sad.
We’re a litigious society. Avoid the temptation to announce anything about the rat. I did not email any details before or after. As part of discovery, I had to forward all emails with the word divorce in it. I had one such email and I felt bad forwarding it. My ex’s best friend wife did not like my husband — I wish now I had poked for more details. Anyhow she wrote a supportive email saying she felt I had done the right thing. Knowing that she was married to a lawyer and that I was divorcing a lawyer, I responded with a thank you and no details. Months later I had to send a copy of the email exchange as part of discovery. The other side also demanded every userid and pw to all social media accounts trying to prove I had been planning this departure. My lawyer got it down to them providing a list of specific social media accounts.
My daughters were Facebook friends of his and I am raising one of my grandchildren because one of my daughters is disabled. She posted on his wall before I could get her to take it down. She posted begging him not to take my pensions and savings because I was still raising a grandchild. She also noted he had much more money than I did — why was he taking it. My lawyer said I wasn’t responsible for my adult daughter’s social media, but I was still worried.
In the end, I had to pay for my freedom but I waited for a couple of months before making a discrete announcement on FB. There’s a candy bar with a dollar amount on it. I posted images of it that added up to the amount I had to pay, along with the words from an old song. “Freedom isn’t free; you got to pay the price.”
I didn’t out on SM (but soooo wanted to screenshot the texts/sexts with other women/PLURAL- as he has family, friends, and coworkers on his SM!!) but I did text the couples we routinely hung out with via our group chat.
Message was (Assh0le is a liar and a filthy [email protected] cheater, so we’re through. Have a great Christmas party!) as it was days later.
They blew him up asking what happened and I shut off my phone. ????
I’m against it. Why? It allows them to play the victim. It can paint you in a negative light. It also feeds the ego of the cheater and documents you in the worst pain and anger you’ve been in and more importantly, it embarrasses your kids (if you have them).
The people who matter, know the truth. I’m content with that. Let the cheater post their BS memes for the “you go girl” followers/friends. None of them matter.
Going through my separation/divorce with my cheating ex wife has been a saga of lessons. But what I’m rather proud of myself about is my ability to develop and strengthen my willpower and resist the temptation to respond to gaslighting, lies, manipulation, and respond back to a baiting comment from her. It takes the high road and it absolutely kills them to not have you pining for them or engaging them in their bullshit.
No contact is huge. Blocking them on social media is huge. When you first discover the affair, it destroys you in every possible way. You want to react. You want to do pick me dancing. You want to try and shame them into seeing the light. It’s all wasted energy on someone who isn’t worth it and wasting energy on trying to convince their dumb friends is an even bigger waste of time. Who cares? You both know the truth and the people who actually matter know the truth.
Resist the temptation to do anything public. Behind closed doors, do your coping and have a cry if need be but don’t embarrass yourself and give the cheater the satisfaction that you’re hung up on it. It may be cliche but it will absolutely kill a narcissist to see that they don’t matter to you anymore. Let the public be amazed at how you handled the situation if they ever find out about what went down.
You know the saying “Seek revenge, dig two graves” ?
One of my friends was an unknowing Other Woman when she had a one night stand during a business trip. Creepy mofo stole her thong and some of her money. She went scorched earth when she discovered he’s actually married. Posted his profile on a cheaters website. Dumbo had to pay for removal yet his profile was scraped and reposted by another company. He sent her a threatening email claiming he’s filed a defamation lawsuit in his home country and she’ll be arrested if she sets foot there. As she said “Well I was never interested in visiting New Zealand anyway”
Nothing has ever come of his threat but we told her to never do this again-he could have attacked or killed her. He was pushing for sex without a condom (and anal !) Creepers are gonna creep.
I made the mistake of telling lots of people – relatives, friends, colleagues, random strangers. I was in shock, I hadn’t found Chumplady, didn’t have a good support system, abandoned after 20 years, etc. Anyway, I ended up with two colleagues trying to take advantage of me at work, cozying up with fake offers of collaboration and then trying to steal credit, and resources. I learned these two had a long history of looking for divorcees and others to turn into ‘marks’. One was a woman with a fake ‘I was cheated on’ story that she used to draw in chumps. So now I have five ‘exes’ – ex husband, ex nanny-shmoopie, ex-MIL, ex-colleague1 and ex-colleague2 that I have to avoid every day in our small town at work and at the supermarket. They all suffered some consequences for being outed, I’ve been promoted past both colleagues. But I’ve learned my lesson about being selective in who I tell.