It’s been five weeks since D-Day here. I’m a lesbian, we have been together 13 years, we have one small child that we created together, and four kids I already had from a previous marriage. She cheated on me the first time back in 2008, right after our wedding ceremony, when she ‘accidentally’ fell in love with her band mate.
She cheated again two years later, apparently it was a ‘rebound’ affair.
After a lot of struggle, I forgave her for these, and had rebuilt trust.
Then we had ten years of non-cheating, when we created a child, bought a house, and generally had what I thought was a good marriage at that point. Making a baby wasn’t so easy, a lot of effort and years of trying were involved.
Enter the third affair, where she ‘accidentally’ fell in love again, with her bass player, a woman who happens to be married herself, to a man, with whom she ‘is basically asexual.’
RIGHT. So, upon the D-Day bombing, when she declared her undying love and lust for this woman, shortly after Valentine’s day, she ‘wanted us both,’ and our marriage was the ‘most important thing.’ I was shocked, and actually agreed to all of this. She claimed that they had ‘only held hands’ and ‘nothing has happened yet.’ Also, I was told the the husband is ‘fine with this.’
The following morning, I began to think, ‘you know what? I’m kind of angry. She never asked me about any of this before it happened.’
I confronted her, and said, ‘I need more time to digest this.’
She said, ‘Never mind. I just want a divorce,’ and ‘I have not been happy for a long time.’
She’s stuck by that line ever since. And added to it that she ‘has never been in love with me,’ and that she was waiting until after her father died to leave me. (Affair conveniently seems to have begun right after her father died a year ago. How quaint.) She said she had this affair to force me to break up with her, because it ‘didn’t work the first two times.’
After some reflection, I realized they used my bed to have sex in, before D-Day. And used my sex toys, too. Affair seems to have been going strong most of last year, but accelerated since Christmas or so. The puzzle pieces were all there, but I trusted her.
Other woman is an animal person. Has multiple cats, dogs, birds, fish. My wife HATES animals. Hates them. But has been pretending to love animals in order to woo this woman.
They are ‘broken up,’ according to what my wife claims, but every single facebook post the woman puts up gets hearts and comments from my spouse. So, I am pretty sure the other woman and she are still actively ‘in love,’ nothing has changed.
I feel pretty sorry for this woman’s husband. I am sure he has no idea what is really going on.
Oh, and she seems confident that she can force me to sell our house. I do not have enough income by myself to qualify for a loan, nor do I have good credit, but you know what? Nobody is buying or selling homes right now, anyway. I didn’t ask for any of this. I want to keep my damned house. My heart is broken, yes, but I cannot imagine continuing to be married to her.
So, I dragged her to a counseling session. I called it, ‘exit counseling.’. In front of the therapist, she added that she’d only been with me out of pity, to help me raise the other four children I had brought into our marriage, and to help me get through school. I was a thirteen year mercy-fuck, have you heard that one before?
She brought germs home from the girlfriend about two weeks ago, and I got sick, too.
I’m just now starting to feel better. No telling what kind of germ it ultimately was. Maybe COVID-19, maybe not.
So, here is the question. I’m stuck with her and these three youngest kids, (one preschooler, two teenagers.)
Our tiny daughter does not know much, except Mommy is sleeping on the couch now.
My wife refuses to leave or move out of our home, as she continues to date this woman DURING A PANDEMIC CRISIS. I always know when she’s going to see her, (even with the cover story of a four hour trip ‘going to the store,’ (the woman hates shopping,) she shaves everything and does her hair and puts on makeup and slathers up in expensive, stinky body butter. All of these things were uncharacteristic of who she used to be.
I lost my temper today and insisted she get her clothes out of the bedroom we used to share.
It was the first argument our little girl had seen us having. Our preschooler cried, and of course, my wife blamed me for upsetting her.
I am sick of having her come in here every day to pick out her clothes.
Our house isn’t that big. How can I retain my sanity in this time of enforced togetherness?
How can I control my temper and not make things dramatically worse for myself?
She’s definitely a narcissist, and extraordinarily vindictive. I have no family nearby. I have been determined to stick this out so that my kids lives are not disrupted any more than they have to be. This is a profoundly difficult situation. The local mayor has enforced quarantine over the entire city. What would you do?
HOW DO I STAY SANE?
I’d start tele-conferencing lawyers. Take the reins on this divorce and put all your anger and anxieties into getting free of her.
You’re fighting this war of sanity on three fronts: emotional, financial, and near-term misery. You’ll need a strategy for each.
1. ) Emotional. I don’t blame you for being angry, having a D-Day in the midst of a pandemic is essentially living in hell. You’re going to feel incredibly volatile now and you don’t want your kids to have a front row seat to this. Do your best to practice grey rock (no contact lite). You are VERY busy planning your escape. You’ve got zero time for her mindfuckery. Don’t talk to her. Don’t ask her to explain. Vent all your heartache online (there’s a closed CN Facebook page and private Reddit page — ask to join) — using your best privacy protocols. (Don’t use a screen name she might know or leave your computer logged in around her.) Journal. Confide in friends. Tell your family. Marshall all the emotional support you can right now. You need PERSPECTIVE when you’re deep in the shit, and you need encouragement and solace.
2.) Financial. You need a lawyer to immediately help you figure out custody and get a temporary support order in place. Find out if your state has alimony. Get all your financial papers together. (A busy-making job in itself!) This idiot cheater of yours has exploited your fear and your vulnerability. She’s fucked around with impunity and is RISKING EVERYONE’S HEALTH — YOUR CHILDREN’S HEALTH — YOUR HEALTH — with her entitlement. She thinks she can keep you in place because you’re the wife appliance and you Need Her. She gets off on the power of that. Take that power away from her today.
I have been determined to stick this out so that my kids lives are not disrupted any more than they have to be.
Their lives ARE disrupted. There is ZERO chance of you staying sane and staying married to her. I don’t know if she can force a home sale (SEE A LAWYER, for all I know you could get the house in a divorce and find some roommates?) Start gaming this out. What usually happens is you’ll have a few years of struggle and loss while you rebuild, but you arrive at PEACE. Where you are now, vulnerable to an abuser, you’ll never know true stability or peace. Put your faith in yourself that you CAN make it without her.
3.) Near-term. You’re very busy taking care of the kids during this quarantine and lining up your ducks (CALL A LAWYER TODAY) to leave her. You got money for “exit counseling” (WTF?) you’ve got money for a lawyer. Model strength, even if you don’t feel it, especially if you don’t feel it, wear your mighty like a suit of armor. You will NOT continue to be her chump.
I am sick of having her come in here every day to pick out her clothes.
Put them in garbage bags. (Leaving at curb optional). Problem solved. It’s the little victories.
Also tell the Schmoopie’s husband. According to your wife he’s “fine” with it. So hey, absolutely NO problem telling him something he’s FINE about.
Perhaps he’s not so FINE about being exposed to a lethal virus. I’d check in on that.
Take. Your. Power. Back. NOW.
Oh and Lysol all her shit.