Transgressive OH NO THEY DIDN’T thing.
I’m mortified to tell you this, I’m sure you’ve never heard this (editor’s note: Yes I have), humiliating thing.
Denial, denial, minimizing, gaslighting, denial, bible study, denial, just friends, missing/stained/new underwear, handholding, BFF you’ve never met, gaslighting, denial, cell phone bill…
And then the final question:
“Chump Lady, Do you think they’re cheating on me?”
Let me just clean out my inbox today and say, YES. Yes, most likely YES they are.
Of course, I don’t know you, I’m not there, I don’t know your partner, but the odds are such that if you’re writing to a total stranger with a blog, and you can list a dozen shady things that keep you up at night, if you think this situation (or underwear) isn’t passing the sniff test — then, my friend, you have a problem. You don’t feel safe in this relationship. And that alone is a reason to end it.
Why don’t you feel safe? Most likely because you’re being played (see Shady Thing Recitation) or it could be that this person is not reassuring you with the proper compassion and understanding or it could be that you’re flinchy and have trust issues. All these things add up to — you shouldn’t be in that relationship.
I know that is disappointing and not the answer you were hoping to hear. Or maybe it was. Maybe you’re writing to me because your noggin is so gaslit you need a reality slap.
Your gut feelings MATTER. And shady piles of evidence matter too. Relationships are not Nuremberg Trials. You don’t need witnesses and fact statements and to convince a jury beyond a reasonable doubt. You just need to convince yourself if the situation is acceptable.
Do you enjoy chaos? Drama? Feeling off balance? Wondering if you’re slowly going insane?
Ask yourself if you feel this way around your sister, your co-worker, your college friend, the guy who sits next to you at choir practice? Now think about this person you’re dating/married to. Does everyone give you the heebie-jeebies or just that person?
Well, it’s different Tracy! I’m intimate with That Person!
EXACTLY. It’s different. You should feel MORE safe, not LESS. I don’t expect the meter reader to hold me through the long dark night.
So, let me wrap this up — You know enough.
Now what are you going to do about it?