Steal This Idea

So the blog-odometer flipped 30 million page views last week. (And I failed to notice until yesterday.) Which I thought deserved some sort of pause and moment of contemplation.

Christ on a cracker, there are a lot of chumps.

Over 5.5 million unique visitors, to be exact. Of course, I don’t know if they’re all chumps, or creepy exes, or rubberneckers. But that’s more people than the entire population of Norway OR Ireland OR New Zealand!

Not bad for an unpopular message.

“Leave a cheater, gain a life” was not the conventional infidelity advice when I started this site nearly 8 years ago. It was “work with that” and “stop asking questions” and “improve yourself so this person will stop hurting you.”

We’ve changed the narrative, folks. We’ve moved that goddamn needle away from “unmet needs” to “abuse.”

Thank you.

I had a hunch we were out there — Reconciliation Industrial Complex heretics — but I had to test the hypothesis with a website. Which grew and grew and grew, because of course, we’re out there.

That’s the beautiful thing about new media (and the awful thing about new media) — there are no gatekeepers. I didn’t have to convince anyone I had a viable idea (“Let’s change the narrative around cheating!”) — I could just put it out there and start my own public broadcasting system. Uncensored. And let the marketplace do the rest — is anyone else craving a new narrative?

I’m no better a writer before I was a published author than I was after. The difference is all of YOU. It was because I could DEMONSTRATE that this message had a platform. That got noticed.

So my advice is, if you meet a gatekeeper, GO AROUND. Do your OWN thing. Do it well. Build something new that no one has seen before. You don’t need gatekeepers to validate you. (Of course, it’s nice when they do, all validation is nice.) I think that’s true of publishing, and I think it’s true of life.

Eons ago I worked as a writer for a bunch of epidemiologists at the Defense Department. I was assigned to help a colonel write a report about creating a death registry and sharing data between service branches. It was a hard sell. (Doesn’t sound terribly radical now, but at the time it was.) Point is, the idea wasn’t real popular. Lots of push back and politics. He was probably a solid decade ahead with his ideas on data analytics, and he was kind of this weird, nerdy, chubby dude. He was utterly obsessed with this idea of saving lives through data sharing.

I helped him write his doomed report. He gave me a piece of advice I’ve never forgotten. He said if you want to change a narrative, you must let people steal your work. Remove your ego. Let them kick it up the food chain. Reject you. Just keep the idea alive.

He retired immediately after that report. And the idea lived. And that vision he had was realized.

Today when I look on the interwebz, the message of “Leave a cheater, gain a life” is alive and kicking. New sites are springing up all over about narcissism and toxic relationships. Twu Wuv feature articles are beset by comments calling people out for their selfish destructive choices. Esther Perel has moved on to corporate coaching. (Guess the Quest for Aliveness narrative wasn’t selling in the new Weinstein-Goes-to-the-Pokey era.)

The narrative is changing.

I am proud of my work here. But I encourage you to steal all the ideas on this site — mine and everyone’s and SHARE them. No more pick me dancing. Trust that they suck! Stay mighty!

Today’s Friday challenge is to tell Chump Nation what you’ve done to change the infidelity narrative.

TGIF!

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28yrchump
28yrchump
4 years ago

What I have done…..Read your book, listen, finally take the advice given in it and DO IT. I lived through 2 1/2 yrs of pure hell but I did it. I am now living 1000 miles away from ex with my kids and starting to live.
I now have recommended your book and site to anyone I meet who needs it. That is what I have done.
Shown what it means to pull up your boot straps and move on.
God Bless all of you here. You saved my life.

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  28yrchump

Modelling Moghty is so powerful! Good for you!

Suzy
Suzy
4 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Agree! Saved my life although I still have to make an effort to erase the reconciliation industry narrative from me head. But I wouldn’t be able to function if it wasn’t for this site and the support here.

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
4 years ago

I explained to my very intelligent but maybe misguided life long friend that Ester Perel is full of crap (because he sent me one of her talks to help me after my husband cheated) I also calmly explained the different between an open relationship and cheating. And I did it all without raising my voice or using the word “stupid”

Yay!!!! Go me!

marissachump
marissachump
4 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

That might be a life-long friendship to reevaluate. So shitty that person pushed Esther Perel on you!!!!

Ragingmeh
Ragingmeh
4 years ago

I’ve been honest. I’ve decided to walk alone rather than wear a false face and make life easier for everyone but me. I’ve stopped caring about who knows the truth bc anyone who gets to know me at any level can see the truth. I’ve unapologetically gone as hard NC with ex and switzerlanders as I can with a 6 year old. I call cheating abuse when it comes up and i push back against the push back.
And while my family was there scraping me off the floor, CL and CN were a huge part of why I was able to stand and then walk and then run and now fly.

Red Pill Alpha
Red Pill Alpha
4 years ago
Reply to  Ragingmeh

Awesome!

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
4 years ago
Reply to  Ragingmeh

I’m honest when someone asks if I’m married. Use short hand: Cheater, secret life, secret credit cards. This site made all the difference in my cheater recovery. I had a vocabulary for all his weirdness.

GlutenfreekChump
GlutenfreekChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Yes yes and yes

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
4 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

“I had a vocabulary for all his weirdness.” THIS. So important. Thank you Spoonriver

Live4myday
Live4myday
4 years ago

Thank you Tracy! I’ve been on this journey with you the whole time as my divorce happened a year before yours. I couldn’t have pushed through to the other side without your help and everyone here. Even now I have to pinch myself and say I can’t believe I have an amazing life! I can say that I am free to do, be and go whatever I want. Your words gave me strength to realize I don’t need to keep living in the past. God bless.

susan devlin
susan devlin
4 years ago

Its great we have chump lady
You would be surprised how many people stick up for the cheater, its almost like I was a second class human being, but I know I’m not.
I think some people wanted my life to be miserable, but its not.
To all those people who thought my ex was wonderful, you can fuck off
He’s a fuckwit and so are you

Wombatmom
Wombatmom
4 years ago
Reply to  susan devlin

This: Second class human being

While this whole escapade has been horrible for my daughter, I suffered just as much.

I was defrauded, 20 years of my life stolen, gaslighted, blamed, humiliated, abused but with the exception of my immediate family (mother, father, sister, child) virtually NO ONE sees me as a harmed party. I am an adult and affairs happen. blah blah blah. What did I expect? blah blah blah.

I am so so over it. After a year and a half of hiding my shame, I am totally honest. “Where is your husband?” they ask. Answer? Gone. Disappeared. Traded my daughter and me on a younger woman and a shiny new baby. Lost his job while he was at it.

No more sugar coating. This is not my clusterfuck!

SouthernChump
SouthernChump
4 years ago

Job well done CL! That’s what the gatekeeper at the pearly gates will tell you. Job well done! You’ve changed the lives of many hurting people and you unified us. That is VERY mighty considering we all thought at some point we were alone (especially those of us who dealt with narcs and their pattern to isolate their victims). What have I done? I’ve shared your message! I’ve shared your book! I’ve shared your website, blog, etc. I educated myself about narcissistic abuse, I set boundaries with toxic people and I shared my personal stories. Boy, has it made a difference in me and others around me! Thank you CL for helping me get my life back.

Life Goes On
Life Goes On
4 years ago

I have adopted the terms “kibbles” and “cake” to call out why narcissists (friends, lovers, spouses) abuse you then reel you back in only to abuse you again- so that any chump in any relationship can start to see the pattern for themselves, and thus may be more inspired to break the cycle. It certainly has the chump viewing the “victim”, “timid forest creature”, “it only you weren’t so….”, and “it’s not my behavior, it’s your reaction to it” narratives with a different lens.

Phoebe
Phoebe
4 years ago

First of all, Tracy, thank you so much. You have been a lifesaver for me. I have been following your blog for nearly 5 years now. Your advice and encouragement has helped me heal and move on to the point where I am living a wonderful life. I am so happy. You are smart and kind and that shows in every part of your work. What I have done to change the narrative is to share what I have learned from you. I hope you do something special to celebrate this milestone. You are a gift to us all.

RVA
RVA
4 years ago

“He said if you want to change a narrative, you must let people steal your work.” Exactly! A music professor once told me there are no original songs, it’s the words you choose, how you arrange them and how you arrange the music. The advice here applies to life in general – no one likes to be lied to, cheated on, yelled at, and abused. You just found a unique way to apply those basic themes to a subject no one likes to talk about and when they do they always find a way to blame the victim.

Learningtothrive
Learningtothrive
4 years ago

I’m working with teenage girls to recognize the patterns and protect themselves from lifelong sorrow.
You inspired me to coin a little phrase that my girls are now sharing with friends: “Cheaters cheat, liars lie, and users use.” My daughters have a friend whose boyfriend cheated on her, and I tried to get her to read from your website, but she didn’t and instead fell for his love bombing, took him back, and now they break up and get back together almost daily. It’s ridiculous to watch. I think she enjoys the attention. Thankfully, my own daughters recognize the foolishness, as do their other friends. Most everyone knows about the cheating thanks to social media, and he’s miserable with the negative attention. Hopefully, it will deter him from developing a lifelong habit of cheating.
Thanks so very much for changing the narrative and helping countless chumps and educating future generations.

RoseThorns
RoseThorns
4 years ago

You are awesome for teaching teens these concepts. Imho, changing the narrative kids have as they grow up, especially our own children, is one of the fastest ways to social change. This sort of change isn’t something that happens overnight after all.

I think what I began to be taught as a teen (I’m 53) about physical abuse has changed the lives of many. Back then was when spreading the fact that being physically abused by anyone isn’t right, it’s criminal (even if it was a parent or spouse). That was when platforms against physical abuse really took off (think Oprah & the like). The message was that it’s not right, it’s criminal, it doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do, you didn’t deserve it, one time is too much, they’re not going to change, get out immediately!

This message certainly got through to me as a teen. I grew up knowing that I would never tolerate that. It has always been in my mind that if he hit me once, I was gone no matter what. However, the cheating part wasn’t part of that narrative. Sure, I had it in my mind cheating was wrong & it was cause to divorce but, not with the gusto/absolute/hard view I had about ever being physically abused. Being emotionally abused was barely on the radar.

We have to teach kids that not only is emotional abuse wrong but that cheating is also abuse. We need to teach kids about toxic people and narcissists. And about when & how to walk away. All the things so many of us haven’t learned, or really understood, until CL.

That push 40+ years ago to change the narrative on being physically abused, & the narrative about getting raped for that matter, has been successful. Don’t get me wrong, there’s obviously a long way to go yet but, the narrative has changed significantly (i.e. physically hurting your spouse is a criminal offense, attempts are made to not blame the victim of rape, etc).

Those messages taught to my generation as teens were the main factor in significantly improving views about physical abuse and rape for is in adulthood. What we didn’t realize was that our mindsets changing was what really progressed it.

We all now are the ones who have a hand in not only continuing & strengthening the message about physical abuse & rape. We are voices to get the message spread that CHEATING IS ABUSE to the teens of today and our own children!

Horray to you for speaking up and being a significant part of changing the narrative for future generations. If you ever wonder if you’re making much of a difference (like when teen keeps taking her cheater bc back), just look back to the messages that were just really getting spread 40 some years ago & how far our society has progressed regarding those views. It can be the same with Cheating being Abuse (& toxic people). One person changing it at a time, like you’re doing. ROCK ON!!!

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
4 years ago
Reply to  RoseThorns

I felt informed about physical and verbal abuse, but emotional abuse was completely off my radar. The last year of my marriage when I was being devalued, I thought a few times of how my wasband was Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde and why did I keep getting the meanness but Mr. happy go lucky was reserved for others. It wasn’t until after discard day when I started googling that I learned about narcs. I thought a narcissist was just someone vain. I had no clue as to the narc cycle but it mirrored what I had experienced. Lovebombing and extravagant gifts years ago, devaluation, he lined up new supply of married coworker who is 11 years older than me, and out of the blue discard of me. I bought LACGAL from The bookstore vs. amazon so he couldn’t see my order. Certainly an eye opening book and this website has gotten me thru the turmoil.

Chumped and chumped and chumped
Chumped and chumped and chumped
4 years ago
Reply to  RoseThorns

Rose thorns..
I totally agree. Educate the children of this world –
Abuse starts small… and builds …
like slowly boiling a frog…

If we can get children to realise red flags / hidden abusive behaviour early on – we stand a chance.

I am 54 . DD came 4 yrs ago. Always suspicious. Anyway serial cheater from day one – always hidden… I was a SAHM…

I came from a house of domestic violence – despite what my dad does / did – my mother would always respond “ he has a heart of gold” won’t leave him despite every intervention from her children. We can do no more but step away…she is trauma bonded and in her 70’s it’s too late… it’s all very sad..,

No wonder it has took me so long to accept that I have been used & lied to & abused for 25years. You would think I would be more conscious of abuse … but no . My therapist explained that if you grow up in abusive families – you tolerate more ! Your boundaries are so much lower..,

And I thought I had found a “ good one” – not like my dad. My husband had never ever hit me – but that’s irrelevant – he has done so much damage to my heart & soul and cheated my children out of a childhood where their mother was not completely relaxed / or all there for them – because she kept feeling something was not right / off in her marriage….
it was all a sham .

Finding the book a few years ago has been the only thing that has helped me reconfigure my whole thinking about abuse … I returned to work ( I am degree educated and worked til I was nearly 40 – ivf etc) – and started to rebuild ME and my whole way of looking at the world….

I am embarrassed to admit I have not left him – yet. But have been lining up my ducks-

Returning to work nearly 2 years ago after 16 yrs ( so proud got a job at senior level in my profession & it’s going so well) – he never wanted me to go back!
I am finally getting back the arse kicking feminist go getter I was – BNA – before narcissust abuse – took hold.

I am looking to sort out finances – now I can pay my own mortgage – once divorced.. and getting stuff in order.

It’s been a tough 3 years but I was determined to work it to my advantage- and it is…

When I tell him I am divorcing him later this year – it will all be on my terms – ducks in a row…

I only wish that I hadn’t had to go through a life time with 2 abusive men .

If I had grown up educated in acceptable boundaries & when to call out abuse – my life would have been a less stressful and shit ..

I now just want to protect my two teenage daughters… who are seeing their father now for who he really is… He could charm them when they were younger – now that they are teenagers they call him out & if there is s as nothing serious to discuss / sort – they want him left out of it and want me to help them out. They know he is unreliable.. they know he behaves like a immature child..

They don’t know our story – ( to my knowledge) but that will e told at the right time for them.., A lot of things have happened in the wider family in the last few years & in their school life and I had to remain the sane ???? parent to get them through it all. The story would have broken them ….

So I have had to stay strong whilst lining up the ducks with my fantastic supportive friends and chump lady & everyone here as my guiding light!

My meh is coming. In fact I have disconnected already physically & emotionally for the Beast. We still live together but not in any married sense! He tries to control me & stay in charge but I don’t engage . All I see now is a tantruming teenager before me. Always was – always is. I just never wanted to see it…

I am slowly changing MY narrative to start with.

I am changing the narrative of my children – without them even knowing why…

And thankfully I have amazing friends who are supporting me and helping me ‘

To anyone else out there who has experienced childhood & marital abuse – and is struggling to leave a cheater – I think that sometimes some of us might take longer to “ get it” … brain washing from childhood – but you need to keep reading this site.. it may take time .. but you have to get out …

Now I say to my girls –
there are givers and takers in the world. Make sure you never ever marry a taker …

I wish that I had strong women in my life showing me what was acceptable and what was NOT.

Sorry to all the good guys on this site – but having also worked in a male dominated profession and seen the boys club in action – The meTOO movement makes me cry with joy ! The patriarchy has called the shots for so long & set the tone regarding affairs & abuse
“ little adventure “ midlife crisis” etc

Thank god for Tracey, for chump nation. For meTOO.

For all my amazingly supportive friends.

Thank god – the narrative is finally changing.

Chumped and chumped and chumped
Chumped and chumped and chumped
4 years ago

By the way – delay in action hampered by one full year buying every RIC book on Amazon – and trying to make our marriage stronger…
Because surely he too “ had a heart of good”….

Stumbled across traceys book & BOOM – now you are talking!

Next day husband shocked as hell to see all the RIC books being dumped in recycling.

His number was up.

Tracey & chumplady – I really owe my life to you …

I just wished I had never met him…..

RoseThorns
RoseThorns
4 years ago

Don’t be embarrassed you’re still (legally) with him. You’re doing the smart thing by lining up your ducks beforehand. I sure wish I would of had the chance & know how to have done that. My kids & I would be in a much better place today if I had. You are so very mighty in your approach. Wow with re-entering the workforce with such gusto!

I have a Master’s Degree & used to be a “professuinal”. Physical disability took me out of the workforce (after he drained me financially of everyth in ng I had & when it got to the point that he would need to step-up financially as well as actually helping a bit in the home, that’s when his cheating switched to searching for someone to leave me for. I didn’t find out about this until after he left. I believed he had been faithful since the first Dday 12 years earlier. That “heart of gold” thing is one I held as well. I used to say/think that yes he did/didn’t do this & that but deep down he had a heart of gold & loved me. I would have never said that if he had ever hit me! I would have just been out of there. (His physical abuse toward me & our 2 kids didn’t happen until after her left.)

I wonder how many of us were taught that “HEART OF GOLD” notion from our parents & their generation. I now realize that’s really just excusing bad behavior & a way of spackling over being treated horrible. I find myself still using the heart of gold idea to my kids, regarding other things not cheating physical abuse. Thanks for the heads up on that! I need to pay closer attention to when & why I say that at times to be sure I’m not just excusing other emotional abuses or boundries being crossed.

Learningtothrive
Learningtothrive
4 years ago
Reply to  RoseThorns

RoseThorns- Thank you so very much! What an Encourager you are! We are about the same age, and I agree with everything you said. I accepted way too much emotional and verbal abuse in the past, but no more! Still trying to heal from all that.
I’m so impressed with my daughters and their “emotional intelligence”…and it gives me great hope for the future. This current generation is benefiting from the mistakes that have been made in the past, and positive changes are happening.
Thanks again for your encouraging words, and taking the time to expand on the topic. Very thought-provoking truth!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
4 years ago

I have applied the “You’re worthy of better than what they offer you” and “You’re a person, not an object” narratives both to infidelity and beyond it in writing, in trainings, and in person. (It’s highly applicable in the equity/diversity/inclusion arena, actually.)

I look for opportunities to inject this thinking into pieces where it wouldn’t normally apply.

I’m annoying unstoppable and I’m not sorry for that.

We do NOT have to keep taking this shit from people just because we used to take it, and it’s my personal mission to make that clear to as many people as I can in my lifetime.

AugustaCarp
AugustaCarp
4 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I managed to get ‘cake-eating douchebag’ into a work project yesterday!

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
4 years ago
Reply to  AugustaCarp

Augusta, you rock!

Better Alone
Better Alone
4 years ago

I’ve told a very good friend that I will keep engaging within Chump Nation and keep telling the truth about cheaters. She was making the point that I was maybe stuck because I was still reading your blog, still reading divorce by cheating articles, still following FB groups… I don’t feel stuck at all! I see it as a mission to help others, as you’ve done for me Tracy. There’s nothing better than helping another chump through the mess that is being chumped.

DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
4 years ago
Reply to  Better Alone

I got told the same by my therapist, that I’m stopping myself from moving on by re-hashing it all and being part of this forum. I know she’s trying to be nice but I’d like her to find me someone else who can actually understand the nuances of this shit show. How tiny sentences in an email are sent as part of the message to undermine you and you are NOT going crazy. It’s being able to vent with people that understand as at 2 years I’m not at the stage where everyone wonders why I haven’t a) totally redefined by body shape b) run a half marathon c) met the man of my dreams d) am spouting karmic shit about how therapy has saved me and the best I can do is ‘generally be OK most days and have some days where I just sit crying. Only you lot get that that isn’t weird. And yes I truly pass on the message to everyone and it’s made me secure in that narrative and that it’s not just self serving so it’s been a total god-send.

Sunrise
Sunrise
4 years ago
Reply to  Better Alone

Anytime I hear of a new chump, I text them or our person in common, the link to this site. No preamble, no sharing my experience, just a “thought you or Chump might find this helpful”. Sadly I’ve sent it 4 times in 3 years.

I also sent last year’s blog about what to tell teenaged children directly to my 2 emancipated children and have it bookmarked for the third to receive in 2 years. Again, no diatribe about their father and his ho-wife. Just a heads up that MILLIONS of people support a different narrative than Dad, Mom included.

Tempest
Tempest
4 years ago
Reply to  Better Alone

Paying it forward and contributing to the Chump Revolution is definitely not being stuck!

Melissa
Melissa
4 years ago

I found this site 8 years ago. I didn’t realize that’s when you started it but I found you by searching something like my Ex went crazy, or I think I’m crazy. I was so distraught and emotionally wrecked I couldn’t form a sentence but what I appreciated was that here, I was allowed to be angry. I was told so often to “get over it”, “don’t be angry” and all the BS that people who haven’t been abused say. Your site changed how I allowed myself to grieve the loss of a marriage. You allowed me to be angry and use that anger to propel myself forward. I don’t think you can understand how many people your straight forward thinking helped. You did change the narrative and it needed, and still needs to be changed even more. I never commented much but I’ve been here reading and moving forward for the last 8 years. So thank you for calling out all the shitheads in the world. They’re the ones that need to go into hiding so the rest of us can shine the light on what a good relationship should really be.

On-A-Tear
On-A-Tear
4 years ago
Reply to  Melissa

I’d like to second what Melissa says about anger, about CL showing us chumps that we have every right to express it. That is just one of the many keeps-on-giving gifts CL has given us.

Another is that being a part of this community offers real reassurance that we’re not the faulty ones, that our ethics and standards are not to be dismissed or belittled. Thanks to CL’s clear-eyed, blunt, honest, metaphor-rich, and humorous writing, I’ve become more open in telling others about my two subpar exes, their lies, deceits, shoddy character traits, and unacceptable behaviors. Being tentative about our experiences isn’t healthy for us, and nor does it help others who might be silently suffering.

What more would I like to see happen and contribute to myself? I’d love to see the ever-widening acceptance of porn called into question. Not on the grounds of morality or religion (that would just give porn users excuses for not addressing the issue head-on) but instead on the question of what promotes healthy, loving relationships. The more porn is normalized, the less chance there is for real intimacy–and that’s before the issue of addiction comes into play (which I know is controversial but I’m assuming for now that addiction to porn does exist). What’s been encouraging–and it’s thanks to CL’s writing–is that those I’ve dared open up to about my most recent ex choosing porn over our relationship–and lying about it!–have so far been 100% supportive. Without Cl and CN, I doubt I’d have had the confidence to say the word “porn” out loud let alone explain why I believe it to be horribly damaging to most relationships.

Madge
Madge
4 years ago
Reply to  On-A-Tear

I agree! Porn promotes violence against women and destroys relationships. Using it is infidelity. It has nothing to do with healthy sex and everything to do with exploitation.

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
4 years ago
Reply to  On-A-Tear

I think you’re correct about Porn.
Anyone that’s ever watched it (probably everyone ) has either fallen for the fantasy that,
1) this type of sex is normal and obtainable in the ‘proper’ mate, or
2) it’s Totally out of touch with reality.

Number 2 is the final destination for non-disordered.

Number 1 distorts the love and intimacy required to hold a marriage together. Sex is important but ceases to be so in long term marriage. Compatibility, fidelity, trust and sacrifice are the components in the cement that holds a marriage together.

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
4 years ago

Thank you Tracy. ChumpLady has helped me in so many ways. It has helped me see through people’s bullshit. I have learned that cheaters are not unique. They all go by the same script. Hopefully people will see that cheating is just another form of abuse. And maybe in the future laws will change to protect the chump. I know now that my ex would have cheated on me no matter what. Because he wanted to. He just happened to cheat with Skankella because she was lacked integrity and would have cheated with any married man. It takes a special kind of women to cheat with a family members spouse.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

OK Chump Lady, I’m stealing RIC Heretic. Thank You, dear Chump Lady. I would so buy the T-Shirt!

Here is what I do to fight the RIC and change the narrative. I keep an extra copy of your book in my car as a weapon against cheaters and a guide for the Chumps. I’ve given away four copies in ten months which tells you something about these goddamned cheaters, busy aren’t they? I’ve handed these to strangers that I have met in the gym, at the nail salon, shopping at an antique mall and visiting my one remaining friend. The newly Chumped are found everywhere. I’m ordering more copies today.

I’m heading to Court today. I’m stealing the idea that there is a Nation of Chumps going with me. The support and solidarity that I find on your site sustains next in my solitude. I might look like I’m walking into that courtroom alone, Chump Nation is behind me.

I am mighty. I have strapped on my bitch boots, dried my tears, and I’m ready to stand in my truth. Thank You Tracy!

Oceanwaters
Oceanwaters
4 years ago

Hey – a LACGAL T-shirt, I’d wear one!!!

Thrive
Thrive
4 years ago

????

Sodisturbed73
Sodisturbed73
4 years ago

Damn right we are all walking in there with you. Go get yours.

Learningtothrive
Learningtothrive
4 years ago

We are with you! You are mighty! The Truth will win in the end. I’m reminded of the saying, “The Truth is the Truth, even if no one believes it.”
Please come back here to let us know how your day plays out, if you care to share.
Praying wisdom and discernment for you, your lawyer, and the Judge…and peace, patience, comfort, serenity, and strength for you.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago

Dang it. Sustains me.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
4 years ago

I do Weight Watchers, and every week on connect (WW’s private social media platform) someone posts on their d-day. These posts are people in the moment of their devastation and they are so heartbreaking. I’ve recommended this blog and LACGAL more times than I can count! I hope some of them found their way here.

Better Alone
Better Alone
4 years ago

Tracy, does this mean I can start a CL blog in French? We need it so desperately…

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
4 years ago
Reply to  Better Alone

As an American who lived in France during my twenties, I wholeheartedly concur.

I was very happy to see all those young French women protesting Roman Polanksi’s Cesar award nomination. His winning is indicative of a deep problem in French society. Catherine Deneuve and company denouncing the #metoo movement shows how retrograde things are in that country.

karenb6702
karenb6702
4 years ago

First i just want to say a Massive Thank You to CL , Mr CL ( who’s support of CL doesn’t go unnoticed ) and every member of CN . I read the archives all the time and re read many times some of them that applies to me on a personal level

I was very lucky i found CL within 3 weeks of D Day and have followed the advise on here to the letter

I divorced without a word of contact as CL says in her book let the lawyers handle it and i did
I had a runaway so no contact for me has been easy but i read these all the time as support not to ever contact him ever again .

I am almost a year out and very grateful and always will be for the laughs , hugs and support on this site and i hope one day when i feel a bit better i can pay it forward to any new and unsuspecting chumps

Betty
Betty
4 years ago

I went on a search for “surviving infidelity” and all I found was how to STAY married to the cheater. A light opened for me in a book I devoured and read in a matter of hours on a plane ride. It was the first publishing of your book. I have since passed it on to friends who’ve experienced the same betrayal and abuse, and talked a married friend out of Esther Perel books. More than anything, this site confirmed for me that I was right, and not crazy. Worth its weight in gold!

Attie
Attie
4 years ago

You’ve helped me to see that it was never me that was mad, it was always him. I’m pretty confident but he had me worn down to the point that I was beginning to question whether I was really the problem. Then when I read everyone else’s stories and see that the narcs do, indeed, all read from the same play book it helps me to understand even more. I will NEVER be taken in by a narc again, so thank you Tracy and all you other chumps!

Kristine Binder
Kristine Binder
4 years ago

This book and blog saved my life. I have adopted the words ‘kibble’ and ‘cake’ into my vocabulary. I learned new tools here to help me survive too. But the most important thing I learned is that secrets kill ….. so I yanked open the curtains, threw open the windows and let truth flood the space. I shared my story in a book! Yes….laid it all out there! It was one of the most empowering things I have ever done. That is thanks to you, Tracy, and CN! I have been reminded time and time again to “trust that they suck” and that I am not a survivor……I am a thriver! I have more courage in my pinky nail than he (and his downgraded look alike) will ever amass in their short lives! Thank you!

New York nutbag
New York nutbag
4 years ago

I no long have tolerance for the cheaters . I cannot and will not listen to “locker room ” talk and not respond . I have called out those that are having their dalliances and laugh behind their spouse’s back . I have injected my disdain where I once would have said “not my business “. I have been the one to “call out ” a cheater on behalf of a timid chump. No more!

Skunkcabbage
Skunkcabbage
4 years ago

I interrupted a conversation between two co-workers who were talking about a man who they knew had been carrying on a long-term affair. This man had told them that his wife and him hadn’t been intimate in a long time, that her health was bad, that he didn’t have any connection with his wife anymore, etc. But he didn’t want a divorce. They were saying how ‘noble’ the man was for not wanting to hurt his wife by telling her the truth. Needless to say, their jaws dropped when I pointed out that perhaps things weren’t exactly as portrayed, and that perhaps Mr. Nobel Cheater didn’t want to loose his wife appliance, and 1/2 his retirement, have to move out of his beautiful house, and explain to his colleagues why his 30 year marriage was dissolving. One of the ladies says to me, “Wow. I didn’t even think of that”.

Feelingit
Feelingit
4 years ago

Thank you!!! You have brought chumpdom out of the closet and given us a voice. I, like many others will continue to do my best to spread your message!

I found the ric sites first and was trying to go that route but my gut was telling me otherwise. After all I was a chump used to ignoring my gut. When I found your site, I knew my gut was right and have adhered to the CL advice. It is the only way to gain a life!

Now when I preach your message, people are impressed and tell me how strong I am. I smugly think, no, it is chump lady.

So congratulations Tracy, it may be cliche but you and your website are proof from small acorns grow mighty oaks!

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
4 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

(((((Feelingit)))))
It is also YOU spreading the word, reaching out to others.
You could have sat in a corner feeling sorry for yourself, feeling bitter, but NO, you stand tall, you share your story, you are not afraid to reach out to others. You help them along this difficult, so often, lonely, journey.
YOU, my dear friend are Mighty!
Many many hugs, and love to you and your five precious Children! ❤️

Newlady15
Newlady15
4 years ago

I tell the truth( not “my” truth THE truth), whenever I want to educate someone. It is not my job to hide the ex’s dirty deeds, and they do speak for themselves. I just wish my children would see him for who he really is.keep on keepin’ on! Mighty chumps!

Ps can anyone upload the video for “gaslighter” by the Dixie Chicks—a good one for everyone to see!!

Newlady15
Newlady15
4 years ago
Reply to  Stig

Thanks Stig!!

Stig
Stig
4 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

You’re more than welcome, ClearWaters & NewLady!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago
Reply to  Stig

super! My hymn, except that I am not broken. Thanks Stig, had great fun watching this!

Kara
Kara
4 years ago

The “improve yourself so they’ll stop hurting you” narrative is the one I despise the most. I love that CL says we have not just permission, but the right to get angry about harmful and hurtful things done to us.

There is so much new-agey Esther Perel bullshit about not reacting, being calm, looking toward self-improvement, accepting the other person’s pain and *puke*

No. I’m going to get angry about things. I don’t care about the cheater’s pain. And I’m not going to make myself small to accommodate an abuser.

Deeply Chumpy
Deeply Chumpy
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

I’m a good person but I’m not good at picking a partner!

I just need to improve by boundaries and pick an honest, loving person!!

WaitingForTuesday
WaitingForTuesday
4 years ago

Chump Lady, thank you so much for all you do! This site is a game changer, and I pass it on to any new chumps I meet. I use the language I learned here all the time: Shit sandwiches, trickle truth, love bombing, sparkly turds, the 3 channels of mind fuck, if it feels good, don’t do it, and know your worth. You’ve given so many people the tools to help explain this better to people who haven’t been through it. They may not understand the way we do, but I don’t think I’d be able to put it all in words the way I can now if it weren’t for your site.
Thank you so much!!

Chumpet
Chumpet
4 years ago

I just wanted to say thank you. I’m only 6 months into this journey through hell, but I’ve found so much strength and solace from this amazing site. You truly cut through the bullshit and reaffirm what I know inside: it’s not me, it’s him. The way he has treated me, and continues to blame shift is staggering. It’s such a relief to know I’m not alone in this and it’s a pattern of behaviour that so many chumps experience.

He rolls his eyes when I say he’s abusive and murmers dismissively when I castigate him for giving me an incurable STD. Big deal he says. Yes, actually it is a big deal. Thank you for making me feel less alone in my predicament.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
4 years ago

Started “Divorce Minister: Taking Adultery Seriously” and wrote a book. Grateful for all I have learned here and CL’s support as I launched those projects targeting a Christian audience.

RoseThorns
RoseThorns
4 years ago

Divorce Minister,

What you have done is nothing short of absolutely amazing! You’re the first leader in the field that I’ve ever heard of trying to change the narrative of infidelity for the greater good. Many of us have gotten such mixed messages from Ministers, Priests, and the like that we ended up losing a lot of the faith we had.

You’re one of the first (or at least the first I know of) religious leaders who is standing up for change in this area and voicing it. That takes bravery and a thick skin to do that as, you’re going against the grain of things. I’m sure you’re met with significant amount of opposition and doubters.That has to be an uncomfortable position.

You’re paving the way for others to follow though. By changing the narrative within the world of religion, you will be helping hundreds of thousands plus. Changing the narrative of other church leaders will result in helping an even greater mass of people.
You’re a true example of Paying it Forward in a huge way! Hats off to you for your courage & conviction!

Portia
Portia
4 years ago

I pay it forward every time I can. I don’t chase people down trying to convert their thinking, but I find myself presented with opportunities in some strange situations. I believe cultural change is slow, but I also believe change and adaptation is necessary for survival.

I grew up in a time of change — I was born in the 50’s, my grandparents lived the change from travel by horses and mules to seeing man walk on the moon. My grandmothers had no chance of education beyond elementary school, my mother earned a Ph.D. When I entered the workplace after college, males dominated all executive positions, I was allowed to work in environments that were predominantly male because I had a college degree. Many of the men I worked with did not. It was the start of the compliance with job discrimination by sex laws being enforced.

I have a wonderful daughter-in-law who comes home complaining about sexism in the work place, and I smile because her complaints are mild besides some of the abuses I have lived through. I had to suck it up to survive many times, she expects better. I am glad she does. Things will change, maybe not as fast as we would like, but the truth is the world needs strong competent workers regardless of their sexual identification.

I love music, and I regularly spend Friday nights at a jam where the musicians are older white males. Some of them have tried to patronize me, and have felt the sting of my tongue. I do it with humor, and I have adapted to my environment by having a thick skin. I earned my place at the music circle with my talent and knowledge of music, and by being polite and courteous to others, Also, I LISTEN to what they have to say. Hardly anyone is willing to listen to old white men anymore, and many are lonely and feel abandoned and unwanted. When they say something I disagree with I do not attack them, but I often ask them to consider another point of view and I tell them true stories. I ask them if they love their daughters and granddaughters and want them to put up with this type of crap? I point out that most marriages wont survive without two incomes, it is hard enough to raise children as it is. I ask them what they think will happen if the disrespect men routinely show women does not change. I’ve told them about trusting my husbands and being cheated on — what it is like to feel that betrayal. Because I listen to them, and take interest in their lives and hobbies, and because I regularly show up and don’t ask for special treatment, but refuse to be treated as less than, they listen to me. I believe I have made some progress with this group.

I believe I made a difference in my son’s lives. I believe I made a difference in the lives of some of my co-workers and friends, and with my sisters. I read this site almost every day and comment when I think it might benefit someone. Reading here is like a daily affirmation of what I went through and who I have become over the years. That is what pay it forward means to me. Help where you can, comfort when you can, and remind others to refuse to be used.

Newlady15
Newlady15
4 years ago

Oh and CL and CN helped to set me on the path to healing. I give out the book whenever I meet someone who needs it. I want people to know before their sociopaths manage to rape them financially like mine did. Thank you CL and CN!!!

twiceachump
twiceachump
4 years ago

The first time that fucker chumped me and I was searching for answers on the interwebz, I found midlife crisis. Yes, that’s it! We were 34 years old with 2 & 4 year olds and he was screwing around with crazy nurse he worked with.

The second time that fucker chumped me and I was searching for answers on the interwebz, I found affair fog. Yes, that’s it! DD14’s 20-something asst sports coach in our kids Catholic high school had bewitched this poor sad sausage. He can’t help himself, he’ll come to his senses!

At first when chumped and you see your life and world threatened, your looking and have confirmation bias of it’s not the cheater, they wouldn’t do this to me and the kids! Infidelitygroup and Chump Lady planted the seed of this is on the cheater. I didn’t want to completely hear that message at first. But once I saw the patterns of this crazy-making courtesy of the cheater, I knew there was only one way out of this kind of pain.

Thank you Tracy for your voice of reason mixed with snark! You have saved me!!

She's Somewhat Together
She's Somewhat Together
4 years ago

I was lucky and found your book early on. I was literally praying for something that would help me make sense of what was happening. I was SO MAD yet the counselors and everything I was reading said I needed to stuff that down. I think I was looking for permission to feel my feelings and leave. I got on amazon and saw an add for your book! Answered Prayer.

That was two years ago next week. Since then I’ve worked on myself and now I get to help other women as well.

I started my blog all about the joys of a cheater free life, embracing single parenting, the how-tos for gaining a life and recovering from infidelity, and unapologetically practicing self-care. Your book is one of the first things I recommend. In addition, I’ve become a life coach and as it turns out most of my clients are other women who have left or are in the process of leaving cheaters.

Thank you for everything Chumplady!

Mandie101
Mandie101
4 years ago

Tracy, thank you for creating a space where sanity reigns.
I have finally gotten a job doing what I want. I’m repairing my house. I’ve travelled with the children. I’ve increased my income. I’ve managed to minimise the children’s time with toxic grandmother (ex cheater mother and a cheater herself).
Our home is a safe haven and my children are adjusting.
Most importantly I have peace of mind. There is no price tag on that.

MyNeedToDigForDirt
MyNeedToDigForDirt
4 years ago

Chump Lady and men’s blogs about surviving infidelity, did waaaay more for me than therapy did. It was based in reality instead of “what we hoped for.” Reconciliation doesn’t seem to be possible. It’s a bunch of BS mind games and just wasting years of your life with a cheater before they inevitably do it again.

Chump Lady accurately articulates and helps decipher the BS that cheaters do and say so we don’t fall for it and don’t think our situations are the slightest bit unique. They’re not.

Diane J. Strickland
Diane J. Strickland
4 years ago

I’m retired clergy in The United Church of Canada who works out of Calgary, Alberta. I started a website just over two years ago and I blog pretty much every week for wives and partners of men called sex addicts. And yes, I was one. Ten years ago I was the first person I know naming the naming the covert and overt abuse that women endured from these men and from the sex addiction treatment industry and others. I haven’t stopped. I write blogs and people in the industry are reading them, because they often try then to “spackle” things I’m identifying on their own pages. Why do I know? Because thousands of readers let me know. I, like CL, have a small army who send me links and information. Sometimes clinicians write me to “explain” all my mistakes because they underestimate me. That never works out well for them. But I do try to be polite and keep communication lines open. My greatest advantage is the same one I’ve faced all my life as a woman–being underestimated. My clients have been everyone from women with almost nothing to women whose names you would know. I can’t make a living on this and the 50% divorce spoils of 30 years married to another clergy person, so I left my home and life partner and spent Advent and Christmas in Yellowknife NWT doing pastoral supply at -40 to -52 degrees, and now I’m in northern Alberta doing the same for most of Lent and Holy Week. I’m all in on this. And when I think I have to stop, I read the emails from women who were ready to kill themselves (their lives so expertly destroyed by these men and the industry that participates and nurtures ongoing abuse) but don’t because they read my blog and just one person who speaks their truth give hope. I am so grateful for CL whose success encourages the smaller Lights in this nightmare, and for my dearest colleagues LiliBee at PoSARC, and Tania Rochelle at SweetwaterRetreats.org who hold me when I falter. For me, this is justice ministry and an expression of my vocation. And until women are safe, this is the hill I die on.

roramich
roramich
4 years ago

applause.

Jeff I Am
Jeff I Am
4 years ago

First a shout out to my chump buddy James and what he did to change the narative. He gave me LACGAL. Like him I am trying to be the sane parent and got my 15 year old daughter back in therapy just yesterday. I also do crossfit with her. I’ve managed give away 2 LACGAL to 2 other chumps.

CalgaryDad
CalgaryDad
4 years ago

Thank you chump lady,

I was given your website by a man I met on one of the RIC sites. I had already been divorced and apart for almost two years but I felt like I was still stuck and wondering why I was still angry. Guess what once I was validated for my anger it went away.. Go figure?
Thank you for this site.

DigitalChump
DigitalChump
4 years ago

I gave my CL book to my therapist who passed it on to another client!

Fuckwit, kibbles, cake and Schmoopie are all part of my everyday vocabulary. I’m currently in Flying Monkey hell so that term at the top of my list.

I’m beginning to look at my posts (or the one’s I compose and don’t actually post.. divorce in process) as a new attempt at journaling. I spend too much time writing and re-writing them but in the end they are well thought out documentations of what is going on with my STBX and our teenagers (aka the flying monkeys).

Thank you to CL and CN. Everyone here is truly a life line.

Nemo
Nemo
4 years ago
Reply to  DigitalChump

Your kids are flying monkeys?! Dang. Are they carrying message like “Cheater is so so sorry, if only you weren’t so unforgiving, if only you gave Cheater another chance, we could be a family again?”

DigitalChump
DigitalChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Nemo

I posted a version of this several hours ago… not sure what happened.

Nemo,

That was the flavor of comments I was getting after I filed.

After that and especially now since my STBX finally moved out (10 months after he was served) he is now using the kids as his proxy to deliver criticism, dictates and setting up situations that cause conflict between me and the kids in an ongoing attempt to damage my relationships with them.

Nemo
Nemo
4 years ago
Reply to  DigitalChump

That sucks. That really sucks. {{{Hugs!}}} What can I say that you don’t already know? It’s a long game. It will take a long time for your kids to see that they’re being played. Well, they know that now, to some degree. The really long time is for them to refuse being played. He’s still their dad. They have to figure out how to have a relationship with him, or if they want one at all.

DigitalChump
DigitalChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Nemo

Nemo,

Thanks for the follow-up. Many therapy sessions trying to navigate this…

I know everyone says they will “figure it out” but that hope does not feel affirming when you are in the midst of it.

Kid’s perspective at least in my head…

Dad is fun! He plays video games. He provides alcohol (and I suspect other substances). Dad is has $ to buy us things and he has a cool new place! He wants us to bring friends over to hangout at his place. (Note – Schmoopie is still a teen herself.)

Mom is a bummer… she is perpetually on edge and she got really mad when I told her that Dad and I worked out the parenting schedule ( …btw Mom, you get the days when I don’t get home until 9:30pm and I’m planning on taking your car). She bugs us to do stuff together and is unhappy when we dump her to hang out with our friends. She totally freaked out when I told her I was inviting my girlfriends to dad’s place this weekend. OMG she is so lame / crazy / unfair. Oh btw… I need you to buy X, Y & Z. Can you make sure to have it by tomorrow morning?

Venting…. sorry. And yes, this all happened.

Nemo
Nemo
4 years ago
Reply to  DigitalChump

Not at all surprised. It happens. It happens a lot. Continue therapy, if your therapist is a good fit. Yes, it sucks to the ultimate degree of suckyness that you must be the island of sanity in the shitstorm. Yay! You’re stuck being the sane parent! When your kids are middle-aged, they will appreciate it.

Here is one of Chump Lady’s posts on a glittery gamete-giver:

https://www.chumplady.com/2017/12/dear-chump-lady-cant-compete-fabulousness/

Dear Chump Lady, could you write a post about coping w/ Disneyland Dad or Good-Time Mamacita?

DigitalChump
DigitalChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Nemo

That was the flying monkey talk scenario after filing almost a year ago.

Things have turned for the worse in the past month since he finally moved out of the family home. Now he is using them as his proxy to deliver his criticisms, dictates and setting up situations that create conflict / arguments between me and the kids to maximize triangulation and parental alienation.

DigitalChump
DigitalChump
4 years ago
Reply to  DigitalChump

It’s one thing to gray rock your cheater. Gray rocking your kids isn’t a feasible option.

Sunny
Sunny
4 years ago

Here in Colorado, we started a Colorado Chump Nation local group that’s met nearly every month for years. We wouldn’t have been able to do this without you. That and the website have saved our lives and our sanity. Thanks for all the love and healing. xoxo

Phoenix
Phoenix
4 years ago
Reply to  Sunny

From Colorado, divorced since Oct 2018 after 22 years with a narc and cheater. Would love to be a new member.

Sunny
Sunny
4 years ago
Reply to  Phoenix

sunny AT himblau DOT com – come join us!

Red Pill Alpha
Red Pill Alpha
4 years ago

I started a side business coaching people, teach fitness classes and have a successful YouTube channel for personal development and global transformation.

All because I made a conscious decision to kick ass for the rest of my life after I discovered the infidelity.

Diane J. Strickland
Diane J. Strickland
4 years ago
Reply to  Red Pill Alpha

Bravo!

Gaby
Gaby
4 years ago

Dear Tracy, congratulations!!! I celebrate your life and your work with all my heart!!!
I discovered your site 10 months after cheater left 7 years ago and it was one of the most important resources to keep my sanity and recover my self esteem. I read “why do cheaters cheat” hundreds of times. I printed some of your wisdom and pasted it around my bedroom. You have words to the abuse I was living. Your message was a raft in the ocean of craziness.THANK YOU.

I am now impressed by your congruence and generosity as you say “go share the message!” Because you can see that it is not about you but about returning sanity to abused chumps. Standing ovation!

While I am at meh now, my heart keeps hurting for so many people I see being chumped and blamed for it around me. I think about that message from Desmond Tutu:

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”

So I am starting to post in social media in Spanish. Main message: cambiemos la narrativa de la infidelidad: la infidelidad es abuso (Let’s change the narrative of infidelity: infidelity is abuse).

My posts are getting a 70% rate of sharing which I understand is amazing. AND YOU ARE MY MENTOR.

Thank you Tracy for starting this revolution. Thank you from chumps all around the world!

Thrive
Thrive
4 years ago

Thanks CL. I simply share your site and affirm any chump I meet with leave a cheater, gain a life. I will not be a Switzerland or encourage reconciliation in the face of infidelity. I will not hide my story when asked about my divorce -that I was betrayed. Amazingly many others come out with their story. It is liberating to stop hiding and being embarrassed that we have been victimized. I don’t trust any person who cheated on their spouse-full stop. Won’t work with them or hire them if I know.full stop. Blaze on!

ChumpArt.134
ChumpArt.134
4 years ago

Thank you Tracy and Chump Nation, from my heart. You saved my life! I only have one item to share. “WWDCLS” or “What would chump lady say” has saved me from taking anymore shit from the fuckwit. I haven’t made it to Meh or Tuesday, but I know I’m close!

ChumpArt.134
ChumpArt.134
4 years ago
Reply to  ChumpArt.134

I can’t spell can I? It should be WWCLD

Sisu
Sisu
4 years ago

I’m writing a novel based on my experience, and seasoning it with CL-isms…cheating is abuse, is this acceptable to you?, etc.

Chumplicious
Chumplicious
4 years ago

I stopped eating one type of shit sandwich this week. I went to the courthouse and got a restraining order to stop cheater ex coming to my house and coming in to my house without permission. From now on police can help me lose a cheater gain a life. Thank you for calling them out and helping chumps recognise abuse and shit sandwiches that we can leave on the plate.

Tempest
Tempest
4 years ago

I teach a 90-person Developmental Psych class at a large university and have incorporated Tracy’s work into the curriculum (in between the sections on Narcissism and Emotional Abuse). It has allowed me to pre-emptively reach hundreds of students, some of whom will become chumps (and perhaps alert those who may have been tempted to cheat about the devastation it causes).

Patsy
Patsy
4 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

YES! Tempest.

Can you outline the synopsis? How do you segue from one to the other?

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

SUPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A formal course in Chump Lady. And Fairness.

I love this Tempest! How many credits?

Tempest
Tempest
4 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Three (but it’s part of a larger curriculum; would be fun to have a class just on CL!)

AuntBea619
AuntBea619
4 years ago

Great job CL and CN. I buy ” Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life ” to give to anyone I find overcome by the cheater situation. I also leave the book anywhere such as book exchanges, free books, public restrooms, bus stops just anywhere someone in need of Tracy’s real life advice. Makes me feel wonderful to know someone going through this hell will get the best, true, advice plus feel the hugs and know she is not alone.

Still I Rise
Still I Rise
4 years ago
Reply to  AuntBea619

I’m doing something similar. I’m on a quest to run some sort of race in all 50 states and concurrently, I’m leaving a copy of LACGAL in each. Running has somewhat quenched my urge to escape from my current circumstances which were forced upon me thanks to my cheater’s choice to abandon me. My husband ran away from our quarter century relationship and now I’m running toward a healthier life!

BowTie
BowTie
4 years ago

In 3 days it will be the 4th anniversary of not D-Day but the beginning of the trickle-truth when a very drunk Mme YogaPants told me she was leaving but wouldn’t say why. That took me about 2 months of frantic investigation to learn that she had been cheating on me.

I ended up in the RIC passing through here on my way but I wasn’t prepared for Tracy’s message. That took some time for me to realize that she wasn’t “sick” or “confused” but that she was just a selfish jerk. Which was no huge surprise because she’d always been that way.

Most people in my life are very supportive including the very nice lady who I’ve been dating since early last fall. One challenge with her though is that she is stuck on the narrative that “people grow apart” and that there had to be “reasons” why the marriage “failed” on both sides. She just doesn’t get that I was perfectly content with no more complaints I felt than the average guy who had a 26 year marriage and that the cheating was completely on my ex and had nothing to do with me. I think that some people just don’t “get” that.

But life is good. I’ve certainly gained a cheater free life even if I do have to send her a cheque every month that she and OM have used at least in part to buy themselves a new house or so I’ve heard.

I don’t worry too much about any sort of narrative any more but do tend to stick to my guns in that – at least to the best of my knowledge 😉 – I had nothing to do with Mme tripping and falling on to someone’s dick. Over and over and over again. But she didn’t mean to or so she told me.

Bluedog65
Bluedog65
4 years ago
Reply to  BowTie

Bowtie, my four years of original discovery will be June. I was married for 24 years and felt content to live out the rest of my days with my X. It also took me a while to wrap my brain around her real personality. Now I look back and can spot all sorts of selfish behavior. I just recently found a short video of then 7-year-old daughter, my mother, and myself singing happy birthday to my X. The entire video she is giving me go to hell looks and moving between frowning and forced smiles. My little daughter was so excited about recording with her small flip phone. I now watch that video and think I had a monster in my house. Who the hell was that, and how in the hell did I miss it. Now I know I didn’t miss those moments. I just chose to ignore or rationalized them away. Glad you found a great lady.

WaitingForTuesday
WaitingForTuesday
4 years ago
Reply to  BowTie

I think only people that have been through this experience can truly understand that it has nothing to do with “growing apart”.

It’s truly so crazy!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago

Like Tracy says: “growing apart”, but forgetting to send the memo about it…..
The universal flabby-assed excuse from fartwit fuckwits

WaitingForTuesday
WaitingForTuesday
4 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Haha, yes!!

Sugar Plum
Sugar Plum
4 years ago

I didn’t let anyone talk me out of leaving my cheater. And there were many who wanted ME to “fight ” for my marriage when I wasn’t the one to break it. I refused to hear that noise and I refused to swallow that blame BS.

Mama Luna
Mama Luna
4 years ago

I have told my story countless times in Facebook groups and Reddit subs. On these sites I encourage women (and men) to stand up for themselves. I tell them it’s OK to have their emotions (and feel them) and it’s all part of the grieving process – and they have to grieve to move on.

It’s all part of supportive each other, helping each other wrap our minds around the fact that someone we loved and trusted would fuck us over so badly and THEN act like the victim.

Since I discovered CL and this website I have shared it so many times to people who just found out their spouse cheated and don’t know what to do. Nobody says it quite like Tracy!

ChumpedButHappierNow
ChumpedButHappierNow
4 years ago

CL and CN saves me. I have learned and now see the crap other people try to feed me. I have ended two friendships because I didn’t like the way they treated me. Even better, I have watched as my daughters did the same. I pay it forward when I can, IRL and on Chump Lady on FB. Thank you, Tracie, for saving me!