Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Biggest Whopper You Bought?

Share on twitter
Share on facebook
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on pinterest
Share on pocket
Share on print
Share on email

Every now and then as a Friday Challenge, CN tries to out-do each other with Most Outlandish Lie we were fed. Which is bad enough. What’s worse is that — trusting, foolish chumps we once were — we bought it.

Like the cheater who refused to wear his wedding ring “out of consideration” for his wife, because a wedding ring is a “signal” to predatory women, desperate to have affairs with him.

CN, we’ve swallowed some whoppers. Judging purely by the all the Bible study that goes on in hotel rooms around Chump Nation.

(The lies are not original. Which is rather the point of this exercise for the newbies — They ARE NOT original! It’s not just you!)

So today’s Friday Challenge is to share the Dumbest Lie you bought. (Aside from your wedding vows. Don’t play the obvious.) I’m talking gobsmacking lies that still have a scintilla of possibility. Okay, it’s possible he’s sleeping in his car in Vermont… in January… without cell phone reception… 

Probable? No. Possible? — well it’s not against the laws of physics, so YES, I suppose it IS possible and to conclude otherwise would smash my world into smithereens…

So, what stupid lie did you buy?

Until you didn’t — because these things do tend to wake you up at 2 a.m. and make you cross-reference your data plans. Then it’s BUSTED. Then it’s more lies…

Then it’s CN encouraging you all to get away from the mindfuckery. And you do. And then later, as you approach meh, you can point and laugh at it.

So put your Stupid Lies out there, CN. Let’s laugh at it. And ourselves. Thank God to be free.

TGIF!

Share on twitter
Share on facebook
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on pinterest
Share on pocket
Share on print
Share on email

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • I actually accepted his excuse that a text he meant for his AP that he accidentally sent to my daughter was identity theft. I actually called Apple to ask about it.

      Later he said it was a text that another friend he’d been texting with at the same time had sent him and he accidentally copied and pasted it for our adult daughter. He got the friend to lie and say he had sent that text to his wife. I bought it!!!

      p.s. I heard later (once my STBX confessed to a 2 1/2 year affair, that this friend told my STBX that he felt terrible that he’d lied and never wanted to talk to my STBX again.

    • I saw my then wife’s dentist texted her, “Your body is amazing and I can’t wait to see you again,” and she told me he had never seen her outside of his office with staff present. I believed that. I had no doubt it was true.

    • Oh yeah. The messages I discovered were just “prison talk”. They work in a prison and what I discovered was just stupid prison talk.
      You know the
      “love you too’s”
      Allowing her to refer to him as her manssss. When he never led on that they were anything other than “bro, friends, niggas”
      I said either you meant that shit or you were manipulating her to get what you wanted.

  • Biggest whopper…
    This a tough one- but I’m going with –
    “I love you”

    I think we need a Wheel of Fortune game show for chumps.
    Can I buy a vowel? Opps- you spun the wheel too many times and hit bankrupt!

    Hard being us.

        • “I only downloaded Tinder [while on a road trip by himself after stopping at a hotel] to mess with people. The stuff they say is really funny.” I guess this isn’t really following the rules because I never actually believed this one but it is share worthy for sure.

      • Exactly. I love you means nothing to someone who does not know what love is. That was definitely the biggest lie that I bought.

        • She said it multiple times a day for 20 years. When she announced she was leaving for her AP, she said, “I once loved you.” I laughed through tears and said she was lying again. She shrugged and said, “Believe what you want.”

          Okay, so I believe she may have loved me for what I had, not for whom I am. Therefore, she loved my bank account, my stability, and my loyalty. But she never loved me for my soul, the thing that really matters.

          • I think narcs love us … as much as they’re able, for as long as they’re able.

            But not only is their love extremely shallow and quick to evaporate when they get distracted by something shiny, they assume that’s what everyone is talking about when they say ‘love’.

            My theory is that they do the temporary love-drug of infatuation, but as CL says, they don’t actually bond, the way others bond. Not even to their kids, their own parents, long-time friends … That’s certainly what my Ex’s behaviour has consistently shown.

            Horrifying, once you realize.

            • Karen, I agree, there’s no bonding to anyone. Once you’re expiration date has expired that’s it. They’re incapable of love which is why they have no genuine empathy or compassion.
              It’s frightening when you realize what you were living with

            • I heard some interesting ones: The ring he bought online that I never received was a gift for me not a mistress. He needed to keep his account on the world’s largest swinger website just to keep in touch with friends. That the woman I could hear on the other end of the phone was his boss (who I KNOW has a masculine voice not a feminine one)!

  • Mine are
    He pretended to commit suicide.
    He was robbed at cashpoint.
    He would tell me he loved me at the front door then do drugs with prostitutes.
    She’s just a friend.
    Pretended to have a stroke.
    Lied about ow being abused as a child, found out later was a lie.
    He’s a fuckwit, yes people still think he’s nice.

    • Omg I got the abused as a child crap too! Fake tears and all. The kicker came when I read his diary and found out it was all lies. And I am a REAL SA survivor. That’s really hurt that he could use that lie to justify his shitty entitlement given he knew my past abuse history. They have zero morals. And yes everyone but by psychologist got fooled into thinking he’s great. My psych calls him a predator however. Who used my history to abuse me further. Mindfuckery doesn’t even come close to what this prick did to me.

      • Mine said that as well. Got years of compassion and understanding from me because of it. Now I wonder if it really happened.

    • Together from 1994-2018 never once did she tell me that she was sexually abused by her uncle when she was 8 years old. So before the final D-Day 2 years ago we were in bed after she came home at 2 am one night. We were fooling around and I was about to get her good and ready when she stopped me from going down. First time ever she told me I couldn’t do that and gave me the sexual abuse story. I’m guessing Sparkle Dick dumped a load in her before she got home so she had to give me a BS excuse to why I couldn’t. Guess I should be thanking her for stopping me.

    • Susan!! My pretend to have a stroke too! Oh my God, I thought I was the only one! We even went tot he ER and he spent the night in the hospital, only to be told nothing was wrong…..

  • That a text that came through to her phone while I was using the torch on it which said, “Have wicked wet dreams about my cock pounding in and out of you” was a mis-send and not intended for her….

  • The sudden “manscaping” (completely bald) that happened overnight was because 1) he was too enthusiastic with the trimmers 2) he always hated the colour of his pubes (bright ginger)

  • Fuckwhit would tell me he is going on out of town weekend trips with his buddies. They would go to sports events. Even brought me back tshirts from every trip. This would occur 4-5 times a year. Years later I found out these weekend excursions were not exactly what I was made to believe. He would meet his ho-worker at the airport and they would fly off to spend the weekend together or he would fly to a random city where his ex girlfriend friend from college just happened to be presenting at a trade show. I fell for that shit for years. That’s what happens when you trust an entitled asshole.

    • But we’re just friends. Note that he is sitting in the chair next to her in his underwear because he just got out of the shower.

    • Lorel — I am right there with you sister! Only mine had me driving him to the airport and picking him up as he returned from his love trips! He would get pissed if I were not in the cell phone lot waiting for his return. I used to wonder why he started skipping the goodbye hug and kiss, but just attributed it to travel nerves. I was such a champion spackler, that he didn’t even need to lie to me.

      We live in a rural area with poor airline service. I used to get up at 3 AM so I could drive my cheater to the Spokane airport to make the 6 AM flight to San Francisco with connections to LAX. I later realized it was important he arrived at LAX at 3 PM so as not to inconvenience his AP who was picking him up at that end. Every consideration for her… no consideration for me.

      • Well that is a suckfest. My forced sacrifices for my cheater were more like extended episodes of single parenting while he was on a work trip (extended for fuck buddies) but trips JUST for cheating where you had to get up at the ass-crack of dawn and he was mad if you didnt do just what he said?? that is awful !! Pergatory, I tell you…Pergatory

        • Yeah. My ex got fired which separated him from his girlfriend in Korea. I actually bought it that when he flew back to Korea a month later, it was as “an extended interview” with another company and they were paying the airfare/lodging. I was working full time and caring for our children and house basically solo during the last few years of our marriage while he had made ever more frequent trips to Asia. I could have used his help at home those months he was between jobs. He soon did find another job that utilized “his strong business connections in Korea” and began traveling 50%. It backfired on his Korean girlfriend (who was happy to be a “second wife“ in her hometown and didn’t want to move to the US), however, when he met the “love of his life“ in China months later, and left me and the kids with a group text literally after a one night stand, and brought her here and married her as soon as our divorce finalized. Wonder how their quarantine alone is going. Rumor from my former sister in law is that she is “super weird” and “kind of mean.”

        • I heard some interesting ones: The ring he bought online that I never received was a gift for me not a mistress. He needed to keep his account on the world’s largest swinger website just to keep in touch with friends. That the woman I could hear on the other end of the phone was his boss (who I KNOW has a masculine voice not a feminine one)!

      • Discarded wife. I live in your area! Hello fellow chump 🙂
        My h did not, NOT not look at porn bc he knows my problems and agrees it’s awful painful….but somehow someone snuck into his phone and sites were just on there!
        I actually believed some creep played a joke on him.

      • Yes, I hear you on that one. My ex’s father DIED and he had me book a flight Orlando instead of Ft. Myers, so he could pick her up and bring her to the hotel while he attended the funeral. Classy eh?

  • At our New Years Eve celebration, a text came that she checked right away that said, “Happy New Years and I am thinking of you “too” – and she claiming she didn’t text him (she just returned from the restroom) and said”Look…do you see any texts from me” (she deleted them. The other one was….I called my ex because he usually knows the best rental car prices (we were planning our summer vacation). He is a commercial plumber and I a location recording company for 20 years renting weekly. Yeah, I swallowed it because she swore to God #christiancheater The best one was showing her itemized phobe bill from Verizon showing after work for the preceding 4 months she was calling him the entire way home and texting him and her arguing THE VERIZON BILL IS WRONG

      • I would have dreams about him cheating and wake up so upset and text him ‘you would never cheat on me would you’ always replied ‘No 🙄’ well he was doing it for 4 years with 7-8 (or more🤷‍♀️) different women. Tells me the day before Christmas that he’s in love with his co worker who knew he had a family with 2 young children – ‘I’m broken and a really good liar’ gee thanks for the honesty.

        • My fuckwit insisted he had to carry his phone in his dressing gown pocket to use the bathroom… In case he lost it.
          And I felt guilty even questioning it…
          Me asking for him to block social media contact with her was ‘over the top’ and too demanding of me.
          Then, meeting up with her, didn’t mean he was cheating. I had to trust him, after all, there would be other people around.
          ‘trusting him’ , also involved supporting him to go away on’ his own ‘for a long weekend whilst I held the fort. I wasn’t allowed contact during his absence. What a chump.

          • Wow! This is exactly what happened to me. She’s just a friend, are you saying i can’t have friends. ” I’m so stressed out i need a trip away by myself “. Turns out the trip was already booked along with a hotel so his 38 year old self could meet up with the 17 year old Swedish girl he had met online whilst I looked after our 2 year old and took time off work to cover his absence. Sadly that wasn’t the only time it happened… Such a chump

    • I got the SAME THING! “I don’t care what the cell phone bill says, I NEVER called her.” He thought I would believe that just some random wrong call on our bill was HER number? Oh. My. Gosh.

      • This sounds like my father, who cheated on my mom then left her to be with his AP and cheated on her too etc etc Anyways it wouldn’t matter what evidence you put in front of him he’d deny deny till the cows came home and expected everyone to swallow his shit

  • I love you but I’m not in love with you. Ba ha ha ha ha.
    There’s no love there or you wouldn’t have deceived me, slept with other people while you were sleeping with me and telling me you loved me, not told me about how ‘miserable’ your gilded life was, and not told me about how you had cheated on EVERY SINGLE BOYFRIEND YOU EVER HAD. Had to learn that from her family afterwards….

  • That she fell asleep, in her car, in winter, in Michigan, at 2:00AM.

    When CL typed the same one about Vermont I had flashbacks.

    • Me too… while we were dating I was away at a Bachelorette Party… he called me every hour until 2:00am and then I couldn’t reach him… should’ve been a red flag that he was making sure where I was but then when the bars closed, he had “fallen asleep in his car because he got drunk because he was missing me so much”. #nothingoriginalherefolks

  • She lied and left-
    Not only did she lie and left she left for a wannabe Ron Jeremy?

    Who ACTUALLY says this shit?

    • Apparently the text was meant for his wife of ten years who was at home with their two young children while he was ‘on a night out’.
      My biggest mistake was replying to the text, “Well that’s going to make for an interesting conversation with my wife”.
      Much as it would have sickened me I should have continued the conversation to gain absolute definite proof.
      I was just in total shock…..

      • This response is to She lied and left…
        You just keep being a DECENT human being. Let us all just start with being a DECENT human being . Google that.

        Let these remoras eat themselves Alive. And they will.
        Bank on it.
        You bank on that She lied lied and left.
        Bank on it.

  • That he was going to a cabin in the mountains with his friend Bill. I never met Bill. And as soon as I found out about Skankella. Bill never called again.
    The biggest lie was we were just friends I never slept with her. I would not do that to you.

    • I got that one too, just friends, didn’t sleep together. It’s such a cliche of a lie for a narc.

    • “These condoms and viagra are for you and me.” We hadn’t seen each other in 3 months, he was working abroad and I went to visit him. He is a despicable inhuman.

      • My ex also bought condoms. He said he bought them so we could try something new. Really? We never used a condom for the 33 year marriage.

        • Mine put the big box under his 15 yo sons bathroom sink and told me he was going to have the talk. Talk never happened, but the condoms disappeared. He thought I was stupid. I just asked our son!

    • Viagra to masturbate?! Great one. Don’t even need to know the context. All these gems would be hilarious if there weren’t so horrible.

    • I’ve got to one up this lol…that the condoms, viagra, and 8×10 picture of the skank were “prescribed” by the doctor to masturbate…so he could overcome the erectile dysfunction with me…..

    • I heard that too. It was prescribed to him to get him off masturbating to porn. Later I found evidence that viagra prescriptions started arriving when he signed up for hookup sites.

    • I am coming a week late to this party, but I had to respond. Oh, glory be, I am so glad that I’m not the only one who was fed this lie!!!

    • OMG I thought I was the only one! I opened his packages that he left lying around and found pills looked them up and found out they were boner pills. We hadn’t slept together in years. He came home and told me was using them for masturbation. My brain kind of exploded. I argued with him. Pleaded with him to tell me the truth. I told him I felt like one of the women that is made a fool of by their cheating husband. He swore on his life that he wasn’t cheating.

      I went into shock. I spent the next day trying to convince myself that what he told me was true. Got a certified letter that very afternoon from her husband spelling it all out.

      Just wow, sorry you all heard this bull too!

  • My sister passed away, for the daytime viewing hours
    he said he couldn’t make it because he had planned a motorcycle run with friend that was important. I was so upset of losing my sister I didn’t complain.
    Months later we ran into his “friend “ and I mentioned to him about him staying over night at his home. The friend didn’t know anything about it. Terrible hurtful memory.
    There were so many others. Evil narc 😈

    • I too have unbelievably painful memories of outrageous behavior and comments throughout my mother’s funeral. The worst was pressuring me to try to get my father to pick a date for the funeral that was convenient for ex. Narc all the way.

      • Good Lord – that brought back a memory. My uncle died and he pressured me to tell my family to have the funeral on a Saturday so he wouldn’t miss a football game on Sunday. The church was only available on the Sunday of the game – he refused to go and made me lie to my family and say that he had the flu – and was furious at me when I balked initially because, really? My uncle died and he was worried about the Patriot/Cowboy game?!?

        • After my dad’s funeral my sister was making supper. The ex decided to go to the pub and got absolutely shit-faced. He was always aggressive anyway but the booze made it doubly worse. I ended up walking down to the pub to get the car so he wouldn’t drive. My BIL followed me and I remember one time my ex bad-mouthing my BIL because “he wouldn’t even help me when I fell over”. Years later my BIL told me that he didn’t fall over, BIL picked him up and threw him through a hedge! Damn, we sound like we should be on Jerry Springer don’t we!

    • A friend’s father died and it was his funeral. He said he had to go to another city on business and could not cancel. I called him that day and he said he was in Tulsa. I went to the funeral and afterward on a hunch went by his work… He was there. Then took me to “go talk” and left me at a restaurant to go talk to her. I actually stayed with him for another two years.

  • That she ever loved me in the first place and didn’t just marry me for money.
    And that’s why the first thing out of her mouth after “I want a divorce” was “How much will I get – I just want enough to buy my own little cottage somewhere?”.
    And all the time claiming to have found new age spiritual meditation yoga bullshit and that, “I’ve put so much into this marriage and it’s now time for me to be selfish and look after myself”.
    What you put so much into our marriage in the grand total of 20 months duration and you fell out of love with me because we had ONE argument SIX MONTHS after we got married? And you just kept telling me you loved me because, “You thought it would come back”.
    No, you saw a kind, helpful, family oriented guy who had done ok through working hard and thought you’d give it a go and if it didn’t work out you’d walk away with your own house…..
    Luckily for me the judge agreed with my view of things and that 99% of the money was made pre-marriage and she was awarded approximately 5% (enough to for a deposit on a house) so for any chumps out there thinking that in a short marriage you might still lose half then there might be light at the end of the tunnel.
    As well as what you thought was the love of your life, what you thought was your family (our families were close), pride and mental health, you don’t necessarily lose half of everything you’ve worked your whole life for.
    And FYI, she fooled EVERYONE. It wasn’t an obvious marriage for money – her family was shocked, my family were shocked – we were all very close.

    • PS Obviously no children involved – if the money were going to care for my offspring I would have not even set a limit. Just what it took…..
      But no, I don’t want to give half of twenty years of my blood sweat and tears because I got to marry a lying cheating bitch for twenty months…..
      So glad I kept it wrapped in hindsight…..

      • “I’ve put so much into this marriage and it’s now time for me to be selfish and look after myself”.

        To me, this sentence says it all about your ex. Entitlement and blame shifting; two red flags of NPD. These telling, smaller moments can show the cheater’s true colors to you in a different way than the earth shattering enormity of their lying, cheating, and betrayal. Yes, of course the cheating and the lying are horrific and earth shattering! But sometimes these short jaw-dropping comments can shine a different kind of light on the complete emptiness of their character.
        I’m glad you are out and can begin healing from the trauma she caused…

    • Wow. A short term marriage would not have done anything for her in my small town in California.The judges even laughed at long term marriages and could do nothing with x (who made over 100K a year, was due a big promotion, walked out on three adolescents, their expenses, a mortgage, and dissipated assets on his way out). I did get 1\2 the retirement and the, stolen, savings he had buried into that as well. You are well rid of her at 20 months; everything I worked hard for just vanished. A lesson for sure.

  • When we first started dating: “We don’t need to get STD testing, since I never cheated on my first wife.”
    And I believed him. UGGGH. Four years later, I had HPV and now knew that he cheated on his first wife 100s of times — and is a sex addict.

    • OMG. He gave me an STD before we were married and blamed it on his first wife. I believed him until… years later.

  • I was hit with DDay #3, after X flew to Germany, not to celebrate our oldest son’s birthday (our oldest was living in Germany, far from crazy dad) like he originally said, but he spent the first week of his vacation alone in a town 2 hours from where my son lived.

    Months later (and after a strange last minute cruise X took because his buddy’s mom was sick so I he gave X his ticket) I see an old GFs # pop up on his phone. He admitted going there to see her, but said it was an emotional affair, they didn’t sleep together, “but he would if she would let him.”

    While that sent me reeling, I still didn’t file for divorce. It was only an EA, right? This is before I found CL. Anyway, while stuck in limbo, found out the cruise he went on with for his buddy was actually a f##k fest with the GF. Then he laughed at me for being so stupid that I fell for his “I didn’t have sex with her” previous lie.

    So what was the worst lie I fell for?
    # 1- He didn’t sleep with a woman he flew thousands of miles to visit?
    #2 – The cruise he had to take for his buddy because he didn’t want to waste the ticket?

    I was super duper chumpy.

    • Not invalidating anyone’s experience but back in the day I had multiple wanna-be suitors who flew thousands of miles to visit me and didn’t get to have sex with me.

      It was never entirely clear how much they wanted me vs a cheap vacation, but if they did not have the decency to tell me using words about what they wanted they for sure could go home without it.

    • I got laughed at for believing his lies too. That flummoxed me, because he wasn’t lying about anything important at that time. I had no clue about narcs until years later. It’s so therapeutic to hear others went through such betrayal too. Just had to de-lurk to mention.

  • Before I knew about schmoopie, “I’m going up north fishing, where there will be NO cell phone service,to THINK about the marriage.”

  • I’m working overtime
    Every single month said work was never paid

    Me – you did 67 hours overtime last month and 74 hours the month before and I think it was 58 the month before that

    Him – yeah we’ve got a new girl in payroll she’s an idiot no one is getting their overtime the place is in uproar it’s not just me that’s not getting paid

    Doh !!!

    • OMG, this was me. I was convinced someone at the hospital should be fired. And he always said he was so busy and that is why he could not straighten it out. EVERY SINGLE MONTH of my marriage his pay did not match the overnights. EVERY SINGLE MONTH. And like an idiot I offered to call or email because he was so busy and he always stopped me. OMG, I felt so bad that he worked so hard for our family. I actually joked that he was away and overnight so often he could have a whole nother family and I would never know and he would laugh.
      I feel terrible now because he is an ICU doc and all the cheering and hero worship now, and I just cannot. His new wife (AP 22 years younger–a nurse who stopped working as soon as she got knocked up while I was still married) keeps posting stuff like not all super heros wear capes. Meanwhile, he has no seen his kids in almost 2 years and he has not checked on them once during this crisis.He is a monster.

      • I’d like to slide up on her posts as someone she doesn’t know to block and comment about some capeless superheroes being covert cheaters, liars, adulterous, absentee fathers to first kids.

  • “We didn’t have sex.”

    Which could be true judging by the lack of desire he usually had for sex throughout our marriage (starting with our wedding night), but I sense that it was a lie anyway.

    • “I’m just not that sexual.” “Sorry I’m not very demonstrative, but I love you.”

      He got kibbles from rejecting me. Spent every at home moment in front of his computer in the spare room “surfing hunting / fishing blogs”. He was also surfing porn sites, online sex rooms, and hook up sites – and massaging his social media for image impression and any stray woman cake he could get.

      I guess he was just too worn out over schmoozing the all the heavily made up and plastic filled women for him to feel any kind of sexual excitement for his wife. (All while telling me that he hated make up and “fake” woman and used to tease me when I dressed up and put on make up.)

      Right before DDay I went into the room to try to communicate with him, put my arms around him and give him a kiss. He pushes me away and says, “What are you doing, trying to solicit affection from me??”

      Made to feel like an intruder and a sexual harasser when approaching my husband was the exact moment I realized the marriage was over.

  • I bought countless terrible lies about where she was and what she was doing because they were plausible. I was her husband and a husband should trust what his wife says. But the one I look back at with amazement was the story that she told our MC while counseling about AP1, that she was struggling to choose me because she had a strong emotional bond and love for a married man who lived 2,000 miles away who she said she’d never met but only played video games with in the Internet. I argued implored her that she was confused, that she couldn’t really love someone she’d never met. She just needed to sort her feelings appropriately. It never occurred to me that they HAD met, and she was just lying. 🙄

    This went one for a couple of weeks until it came to light that (of course) they’d met and fucked several times in various cities and he was AP2. Also later discovered other APs, but I remain amazed That I bought that line of BS even for a minute. Now I know every cheater’s story is built on lies. You should assume that as a starting point.

  • “I’m fixing her non-draining sink.” Told to me about a woman he picked up at the Lowe’s one day in the plumbing aisle.

    “I’m fixing her leaky faucet”, said about Soooo many Saturdays leaving the house to go to “work”. Walking out of the house in nice clothes. Chump asks cheater, why are you dressed up? “I like to look good when I go for the appointment, then I change into work clothes to do the job, then change back into my nice clothes” Oh and, “ can I take your car so I can look good?” Of course my dear cheater, says the chump. (Side note I have a black on black Dodge Charger, that I’m assuming was used as Schmoopie bait on many occasion.)

  • He said he was going to a gig and had only bought 1 ticket. When I found out he’d bought 2 and asked why he’d lied he said he had social anxiety, couldn’t handle being with other people and if he’d told me he had 2 tickets I’d have pressured him into taking a friend with him (didn’t even occur to him that he could have asked me…) Then he started crying.

    • Ah yes, the “I did it because you’re so awful” argument. I got this all the time. Always involves an imaginary future scenario where YOU are the asshole. In this case, an asshole who pressures him into social situations he has anxiety about.

      My husband used this mental math trick to justify pretty much anything he did. Everything was future imaginary me’s fault. Future imaginary me was such a horrible bitch.

      Forget innocent chump me, just standing there being lied to, and then persecuted in turn.

      • Yeah, that’s a fuckwit for you. They like to accuse you of future infractions. Mine went so far as to warn his mistress that I might murder him and told her if he ever died mysteriously to tell the cops I did it.
        He accused me of future murder. Lol

      • Head wreck isn’t it when you think about it. They have a mental age of about 4 years old. And a pretty immature 4 year old at best.

        I didn’t have many cross words with my ex (hence why I had no clue) but obviously there was a charge sheet of infractions once the affair started. When he was angry about a couple of things what he would always do is get really angry and hurt but wouldn’t tell you what you had actually done to make him that way and would brood on it and wouldn’t back down or care who else got hurt or seek to discuss and diffuse. No this had to be the end of days. No discussion, no resolution, no compromise, no acceptance of sorry. Not that you would ever know what you were sorry for.

        Good luck with that in a few years OW. Although all he talks about right now (including to his folks) is positivity (barf), while still being massively avoidant of things that are patently issues.

        Lying shits, the lot of ’em.

  • Those texts that night were sent by friends because 1 had dropped her phone in the loo and the other one had a flat battery.

  • My family gave me a surprise party and asked ex to give them a list of my friends. He told them to invite his howorker because she was one of my best friends. Family was chumped too. Meanwhile I knew he and howorker were a little too friendly and asked why they invited her. That’s when I found out he said she was one of my besties. Grrrrr 🤬

    • “I’m going over to ‘Eric’s’ house to play video games for a few hours.”

      Turned out it was “Annette’s” house.

      There was “play” going on, but with sex toys (I know because “Annette” told me: once she discovered he was married, she came over to my house when he was out of town and she told me everything).

      At least he was honest about “a few hours.” 🥴

      • Sorry MataHari, didn’t mean to post my story as a reply to you.

        Maybe there is a theme though: a “party” was going on but we weren’t “in on” the surprise part!

  • ‘I am packing 2 sets of sleeping gear for this camping trip because nights get cold’ – he was taking AP on a camping holiday so they could try out a relation before telling their families and kids that they found true love and were choosing to go on together. I remember thinking ‘in a book this would be a sign that he is cheating on me’ but chumpily dismissed the gut feeling

  • For starters, because I have a bad habit of not erasing texts, the whoppers were inadvertently documented. Later on, when I felt crazy and was doing the early days timeline reconstruction, I had a log of lies, time and date stamped, in my phone.

    “The anchor came up on the boat and I drifted into the Berkeley Marina.”

    On one of his “solo” overnight sailing trips, to explain why he was over in the East Bay the following morning instead of Sausalito. Yeah, right.

    He has been gone for two years and he still lies. He just found a woman who will buy his BS.

    “In lying, one is identifying the other as one’s opponent, even one’s enemy. In marriage intimacy is developed through confessions, explanations, and soul searchings. But of course intimacy involves equality, and people who are telling lies are not seeking any aspect of intimacy, especially equality. Liars are hoping for advantage, which will be produced by disorienting and distracting the other person. The liar is stepping outside the relationship. The lie may be a greater betrayal of the relationship than the misdeed being lied about. It takes very little misinformation to disorient and destroy a relationship. I often point out to people that if I gave them detailed instructions on how to go from Atlanta to New York City, and threw in only one left turn that was a lie, they would end up in Oklahoma.”

    -Dr. Frank Pittman
    Private Lies
    (p. 59)

    A marriage to a liar has terminal cancer. There is nothing I could have done to save it.
    It was doomed to failure.

    Additionally, getting involved in an affair, with someone who is displaying up front that they are a liar, is the epitome of idiocy. And doomed to failure as well. At the very least, it’s impossible for a relationship comprised of deceitful individuals to be a success as a healthy intimate relationship, which is what I want.

    I’d rather be alone otherwise.

      • I love that Frank Pittman quote also. Exactly right!

        Some of the lies I bought: Well of course the obvious one, “she’s just my friend” “she’s just my fishing buddy!”

        When he called me from Hull to explain why he couldn’t get home that night: “The van’s broken down, and I can’t get anyone to fix it until tomorrow, so Lisa’s ( rat faced whore aka ‘fishing buddy’) kindly offered me her sofa.”

        When I discovered that corona-Lisa was staying with him in the flat he was supposedly doing up for ‘us’ (after he’d told me she wasn’t) : She’s helping me fix up the flat. She sleeps in the spare room. ”

        When I discovered he’d bought the whore a sky jump for her birthday, and taken her on a shopping spree, telling her she could buy anything she wanted, but they had to be careful I didn’t see them (text I found on corona-Lisa’s phone which she ‘accidentally’ left in the flat)

        “Lisa’s had nothing all her life! I’m just showing her how the other side lives! You’re just jealous because I have a woman friend!”

        When I pointed out the whore called him “my chappie” in one of her texts, ” it’s just a turn of phrase, there is categorically nothing going on!”

        He told corona-Lisa I’d read her phone texts and she thought it was very wrong of me to do so. But there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with fucking a married man and letting him buy gifts for you, right? 😂

        When I finally got to see the flat he was supposedly doing up for ‘us’ and it was obvious the skank whore hadn’t been sleeping in the spare room which was full of junk from floor to ceiling: ” she sleeps on the sofa. See, there’s the duvet!”

        *Lot’s* more, but detailing them all would make this post horrendously long. 😂

        Just re-reading the one’s I’ve mentioned fills me with rage that I was so besottedly *trusting* , God I was such a fool, I can’t believe I was such an idiot!

        The final lie I refused to buy, which sent me straight to a solicitor; texts on his phone to his one male friend, boasting about fucking corona-Lisa, and how many times, “It was just lad’s banter! Nothing happened! I’m not going to admit to something I didn’t do!”

        Jesus. Still shaking my head over that one. 😳

        • Eek, Chumpnomore, a sordid tale. Glad you’re free of the liar (and that you had access to his texts).

          • Strangely enough, Tempest, his phone was password protected.

            I was staying at the flat, and a voice in my head said, “look in his phone.”

            I didn’t know his password, but the ‘voice’ repeated it it to me.

            I’m a very rational and sceptical person normally, (apart from my then chumpiness) but I think somehow, someone, was looking out for me! 🤔🙏

        • Chumpnomore6- Don’t beat yourself up for trusting him. We are supposed to trust our spouse or signicant other. And believing otherwise would mean our lives as we have known it would no longer exist. It takes time to come to grips with the fact the person we have known, trusted and loved has been so grossly deceitful.

          You’re a beautiful person because you trust with your beautiful heart. He’s a tumor on satan’s ass. And that “rat faced whore” (love that 😁) is getting exactly what she deserves. These assholes have shit for brains.

          • You said it best with, “It takes time to come to grips with the fact the person we have known, trusted and loved has been so grossly deceitful.”

    • “A marriage to a liar has terminal cancer. There is nothing I could have done to save it.
      It was doomed to failure.”

      That’s statement is a keeper, and one that every new chump should repeat over and over. Heck, I’m an old chump, and it still resonates with me. Thanks, Velvet.

    • I lOVe that, Velvet Hammer. I grew up with a sibling who was and probably still is a compulsive liar. I don’t mean to imply that she couldn’t help herself, or that she was mentally ill. But she began lying at an early age, and that led her to having to lie about her lying, and very quickly she seemed to become addicted to deceit. She obviously got a dopamine rush every time she lied, so her lies became bigger and (insert your favorite addiction cliche here) her life messier, and and very quickly it got to the point that it startled me when she inadvertently said something that happened to be true. It turned my FOO into a toxic waste dump. I’ve never said this out loud to anyone, but more than once I’ve found myself wishing she were addicted to opiates instead of deceit. I’m not ranking horrible situations here–I am just agreeing with Velvet Hammer and Dr. Pittman. Liars are malignant tumors that need to be cleanly and completely excised, or they’ll metastasize and destroy or disfigure even the healthiest people around them. Just thinking about these people, these liars–just reading about the experiences of CN, sometimes!–makes me feel like inciting a riot.

      • PS I meant to say: Thanks, VH! I’ve never heard of this Pittman guy so I’m going to check him out! Love that excerpt you shared.

  • “We only kissed once nothing else then I realized it was wrong to do, I came to my senses “

  • We worked together, we had been married for less than two years, our son was about 9 months old and we were moving to a new house with the equity from a house I had bought(he contributed nothing but could not stand living in a house that was not “his”) – with all of that in mind he dropped this on me:
    “People at work are talking, they think that I am having an affair with Terri. Before, this ugly rumor gets to you I want you to know that it is not true. We are just friends and we are new to the department, you know the new kids on the block- so we turn to each other for support.” Terri, BTW shared a cubical wall with me and worked with me directly on a project. That was the first of many impossible lies that I believed – I am getting a physical reaction just thinking about this and it was over 20 years ago.

    Other over the top lies:

    Jim took the Polaroids of those young women when we were at the Indi 500 – he is always chasing strange – he asked me to hold them for him.

    I have never so much as kissed another woman since we got married. (Always thought that was an odd thing to say)

    Viagra gives me a headache…. He used tons of it with last ho-worker (on my health insurance – I could see everything he was doing on the statements).

    I’m a very honest, generous, loving and giving guy. (never did see that side of him)

    • “All the other teachers hate me, they are such a clique!”
      As a loyal husband I refused to give them the time of day.
      So as it turned out, they hated you because you were doing the janitor in your classroom.

  • My 50 year old cheater told me that he was “mentoring” the 20 year old boy he was having an affair with. The boy supposedly had a 60 year old drug addict father and a horrible family life (both lies). He went so far as to say that the boy’s father was an old friend from his neighborhood and that’s how he began “mentoring” his son (also a lie). I bought it until I grew more suspicious of his behavior and found the thousands of pictures and videos of him and this boy together. I’m almost 2 years out from divorcing him but I still deal with triggers and trauma….it’s one thing to realize your husband is cheating on you but it’s entirely another to realize he’s gay. Talk about a total mindfuck!!

    • Yup. I was 24 when ExH #1 was arrested in the men’s room of a department store (in the middle of his work day, far away from where he was supposed to be) for getting a blow job. Hey, he just happened to be there taking a leak when the guy next to him offered, so he said “Why not?”. Total mindfuck is right.

      • eirene…I spent a lot of time talking to straight men after I found out because my ex wanted me to believe that all men have flings with other men and it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re gay (denial, denial, denial). 100% of those straight men told me they would never look to another man for sex. It took me years to realize that his cheating with men had nothing to do with me. He wanted something I couldn’t give him and he just used me and our kids as his cover. He’s still in denial, even though he has a new boyfriend. I had to stop unraveling the skein of fuckupedness because I was never gonna figure that one out.

  • That he went out with this one co-worker on a “dare” with his buddies, also from work.

    But, PLOT TWIST, it wasn’t to see if HE could conquer HER, it was because they wanted to convince him she was into him and he didn’t believe it.

    Even in lies, he must come off as central, of course.

    Technically, though, I didn’t fall for this one, I just asked to talk to his buddies for proof and he was like “absolutely not”. Bye, bitch! To be honest, I never believed anything I found suspicious, mostly it was about being frustrated that I couldn’t find proof either way.

    • Agreed. It’s hard for me to even wrap my mind around the shameless lies my stbx has told. He lies even when he doesn’t need to, over nothing. I think he enjoys it. 44 years worth…so sick.

  • Either:

    1) That his retired boss considered him “so much like a son” that he took him to London for Easter Week, took him to all the best restaurants, bought him hundreds of dollars of brand new designer clothes, and oh, also bought him a brand new, top of the line iPad for the plane (because boss liked to sleep on planes and he felt bad he wouldn’t be talking to him for the duration of the flight)

    or 2

    2) Multiple trips to NYC to see “free shows” because Tom from Work had a friend who got free tickets to all the shows. And he slept on Tom’s couch. And he wouldn’t get my texts because cell phones work well in NYC.

      • PhoenixFlame,
        Yours is my favorite so far. Cell Phones Don’t Work Well In New York City. ChumpLady is right: it iS comforting to know that other people have believed bad lies told by good (really experienced!) liars. ChumpLady and ChumpNation are balm to soothe the defrauded soul. This place is where and why I began to get my gratitude back.

  • Him: I’m meeting some fellow employees for drinks after work. Gets quick shower and applies colognes. Never uses cologne for me. No you can’t go along, it’s just fellow employees (Rushing out door).
    I GET STD from howorker. How is this possible I think in a monogamous marriage? Him: we are careful with sex. It must be a mistake. Oh, yes the doctor I’ve seen since my birth is lying. Here’s the medicine to cure the STD.
    I get letter at work from howorker’s husband letting me know of the relationship. Him: oh that’s just a bunch of lies.
    Shortly after he’s fired from job for vague reasons. He’s not overly concerned!! WTF!!!

  • “I’m going to a special private party a few times a year and partners are not allowed so you can’t attend” … I even knew people who took their partners along but didn’t click coz I was so trusting… also the endless “I didn’t come home coz I fell asleep at work”….
    I’m embarrassed at how many years I was so stupid :/

    • I want to comment here that it isn’t stupid to believe your partner. You’re supposed to believe your partner. No-one expects to have to audit their own relationship with “trust, but verify.” People who believe their partners, and trust their partners and give their partners the benefit of the doubt are doing what they are *supposed* to do in a loving relationship. Don’t let anyone make you feel like shit for being trusting.

      • I still get the “how could I have been so stupid” thoughts, but Susannah is spot on (thanks for the reminder!)

  • With a pathological liar the lies fall of their lips with ease. And they get bigger and are so multilayered you’d think NO one, especially a spouse, the father of your children would have that capability. Meet Earl, an unassumingly evil man who fools most with his disordered need to have power and control over those he cons into believing. You’d like him, he hides behind a smile and victimhood. I didn’t know such evil exists.

    Back when internet was through home phones we received a 3,ooo phone bill related to porn use. He blamed it on his young son who was mortified. Asshole swore he never used porn.

    Years later after Dday he explained the computer in the basement was frozen on a site requesting money for accessing child porn. He swore it was a mistake he must have clicked on. What should he do? He asked this question in front of his son who was now an adult.

    When I told my therapist he said of course he was looking at child porn.

  • When I caught cheater hiding money. He made up a bullshit reason that he was sending money to his family. I asked him if he wanted the marriage to last. He said of course. In hindsight what he meant was, I’m going to continue hiding money and make a plan to dump my family.

    Another was overtime. I had to take my son to tutoring because he worked so many hours. In hindsight, this gave him more time to wine and dine his slut to replace me. Once my kids told me he was cheating, I put a GPS on his fancy car. I knew when he was at motel 6, taking her to eat, meeting her before work, etc. His manscaping, hiding from me when he was naked so I wouldn’t see, drowning in cologne, new undies, deodorant/toiletries in his car, you name it. APOS cheater with a double life…

  • That when a close family member died, he couldn’t go keep his elderly, grief-stricken parents company, as it was so stressful to be with them, so I had to go instead, alone. He had been sick for a long time as well so I acquiesced.

    Yes, it was stressful as they both had a lot of issues, but he was happily texting (no proof of PA) Schmoopie all night long because anything other than talking to her was too stressful for my poor little ex. He’s still lying to this day (7 months separated, 4 divorced) about how sick he actually is. For me that lie has been even worse than lying about Schmoopie, which in itself is of course bad enough.

  • 1. Early in our marriage, after we’d moved 900 miles from our home state, and after I had traveled back to our home state alone to visit my family several times, my now-ex wanted to take a solo vacation. I said yes, thinking this was fair. He went to Provincetown, MA, which, being new to the east coast, I didn’t know is the summer vacation spot for gay people. While he was gone, one of my friends told me this, and I assured her that he, like me, coming from another part of the country, had no idea of this, and had just wanted to go to the ocean. When he got home, I asked him about it, and he assured me he didn’t have any idea P-town was a gay mecca, and was “so surprised” when the proprietors of the B and B where he stayed were a gay couple. Tactic: Denial.

    2. Decades later, right after he’d told me the truth, which occasioned shock, disbelief, and a brief but intense period of pick me dancing to “save my marriage” and the retirement life I’d planned and worked for, and my now-ex was working hard to preserve his closet, he said to me, “I want to live the rest of my life with you!” Tactic: trauma bonding.

    3. He knew my plans for retirement had included a small summer place, and on a visit to one locale, one morning when we were having coffee, he said, again in the interest of preserving his secret life, “This feels like a rehearsal for retirement.” Tactic: future-faking.

    One and two worked, but by three I knew what I was dealing with.

    • Mine had Wednesday night “management meetings” coinciding with my Zumba class. And then he actually says, “it’s so good that you go to Zumba”!

      The missing Viagra…well, he SOLD them to the guys at the gas station.

      Lying to him was like breathing to the rest of us.

      On the bright side, I am just getting so much satisfaction about the thought of he being on quarantine with the whore. I know too well how he cannot be confined.

      Happy Easter everyone!

      • “Lying to him was like breathing to the rest of us.”

        This makes me shudder with disgust. If my ex’s mouth is open and words are coming out, he is lying. Lying is his normal form of communication. He lies about the most mundane things. He lies when there is no logical reason for him not to tell the truth. I think he just gets off on knowing something someone else doesn’t. It’s a power trip.

        Supposedly he confessed to schoompie about all the cheating he had done on me over the 25 years of our relationship. The stupid cow still wanted him! I’m sure he told her only enough about his bad behavior to convince her he’d shared all his secrets. I have no idea the real depth of his deceptions, and I don’t want to know.

  • “Ben is trying to get me to pay him $2k for a prostitute he hired for Jim’s bachelor party. But Ben is the only one who touched her! Can you believe the nerve of Ben?”

  • He was passed out drunk at a party and someone must have given him a BJ without his consent so that’s how he gave me genital warts. Ugh! I was 19.

  • “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had and I respect our relationship too much to ever jeopardize it or our family. I want to know if you’d be willing to consider an open marriage. With the respect and trust we have for each other, if there’s any couple could make something like this work, I think we can.”

    Followed very closely by:

    “I’ve been going to individual counseling for more than a year. I’ve put in the work. Now it’s YOUR turn.”

    • This was what I had to deal with also. He had already started an affair with a married friend of mine. I was his queen but he just had to follow his curious heart, he deserved his cake and to eat it too. I asked once how it would make him feel if I got a side piece too..guess what, that wasn’t part of his “vision” lol..
      How can a lier and a cheat be trusted to turn a once monogamous partnership into a social experiment full of hurt and pain? What a crappy excuse for an affair that already started. He now regrets “holding a gun to my head for his selfishness” and I believe he is sorry, but way too much was done.

  • My company asked me to test gmail and Skype as applications for work. I have to Go downstairs to update the network at night when everyone is off the network (time for searching for porn). I was only looking at porn for ways to please you. I wanted to see how it would look (apeman’s bald manscaping of his junk). I cringe looking back at all the sinkers I shrugged and accepted.

  • “We have to meet in person to break off our affair”…this happened half a dozen times over about 8 months. I was so broken I didn’t even feel as if I was in my body. I would just lay in bed and shake while my 7 year old daughter comforted me. Now I could care less if he wanted to see his mistress again..but now he claims to hate her because she’s so manipulative. Too bad, too late, I finally started to feel strong enough to hold my ground!

    • I am genuinely happy for you Chumpqueen. It seems to take forever to get to a strong place, but you did it! Keep it going!! 💕

  • Oh, so many….

    You are the love of my life. (He was fucking 8 other women.)

    I only dated one woman in town. (He was fucking every divorcee, realtor, had multiple women in every city he visited for work- and he still is… And he was fucking married women, including women married to women.)

    I don’t have any kids. (Sociopath is paying for illegitmate son (s).

    I never lied to you.

    I don’t have any venereal diseases.

    Good riddance asswipe sociopath!

  • Biggest whoppers? So many to choose from.

    1-“I don’t know, I may have used the missing condom to masturbate to see how it felt.”

    2-“why did I come home from the graduate student party at 5 a.m.? We were talking philosophy.”

    3-I asked him after DDay if gradwhore had an unusual name. Hannibal: “no.” Found out later her name was Ginger.

  • Oh these are sooo good. I have a plethora I could pick from but this one mind fucked me the most. A Christian councelor CONVINCED me I was an abused husband….he even used it during mediation.

    • I got that one, too. Many times over about how I abused him. His counselor said that he was being abused. She surmised this because of the things he said about himself during the session, not because of the things he said about me. I get this logic, but WTF?
      For so long I bought the lie that I was the abuser. So glad I read the article “The myth of mutual abuse”. It helped me stay strong.
      At our first meeting his lawyer said that he is accusing me of domestic violence (right after I said it.)
      My lawyer’s chin hit the floor. Wasband is 6’8” tall, pushing 400 lbs.
      Likely story, dude.

  • X narchole didn’t “need”, or “ask” for the blue pill, his doctor just prescribed it…for no reason…out of the blue…just in case.

  • “I SWEAR ON OUR KIDS LIFE THAT I HAVE NEVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO YOU”. Later that day our home security camera caught him bragging about that conversation to a friend! I was gone the next day!

  • He came home at 5am and told me he had, “gotten arrested and held until they finally let him go around 4:30 am because they really didn’t have anything on him”.
    He tried, “I was in the ER” but I asked for his paperwork on that one……

  • “I villainized you to protect you.”

    He utter this after I discovered just how badly he maligned me to his friends and family

  • -On Dday, he (for a split second) admitted that he had been “physical” with Susan but in a flash denied sex and said he “shared hotel rooms with” Susan but denied actual sex…once he entrenched himself in that lie, he refused to budge from it and repeated it over the 5+ years between then and his death.

    – Way before Dday, he called me when I was at school (really rare, like never) to tell me he had been attacked by a dog while trail biking in Lawrence, Kansas. The dog chased and attacked him and caused him to fall hitting a rock and breaking his knee cap. A doctor later told me that she has seen a lot of injured people and never a broken kneecap. I now think someone caught him fucking their wife and kneecapped him with a baseball bat.

    – When we had just moved to the DC area (where he had been alone for a month or so before me and the kids moved to join him) there was a family event he told me to attend alone (on Thanksgiving) because he “had to work”. That was not a job that required work on Thanksgiving.

    A central part of my character is that I believe people. Im not stupid, Im trusting. I think that speaking truth is a norm and lying for fun is deviant behavior. Even for a prank, telling a lie then mocking a person for believing you is twisted and cruel, so doing so to betray is profoundly wrong.

  • Along with the wedding ring lie, featured in today’s topic, there were so many. His lies were mostly half-truths. Things that I would dismiss as “overestimations” and “innocent inaccuracies” I got to where I would just automatically adjust down by over half. If he said he hiked 5 miles somewhere, I’d automatically adjust down to 2 at best. When he told me the square footage of his house was around the same as mine (mine is 3200) and I realized it was 1500 at best, I mentioned that he was mistaken… and later he said how I “always” argued with him…. over “everything.”

    I wish I would have recognized that as blame shifting.

    • Yea, I got the wedding ring lie too and believed it. I was SO trusting…when he was deployed to Japan for months, during the deployment, I drove his car and found his wedding ring in the ashtray, I thought it was funny..the idea that he would cheat on me during that time was unthinkable SMH.

      Looking back, I dont think that mine enjoyed lying as much as I hear that others did. I think he knew he could get away with a lot (totally unchallenged) because I trusted him so much, but I think there were 3 brain cells and one tiny glimmer of a soul that realized that he was exploiting my virtue with his vice.

      I have come to believe that he tried, in odd ways to tell me the truth. He once said that he was often hit-on in work situations by married women who “had as much to lose as he did”.

      During a time when I was deeply mistaken that I could read him accurately, I was clearly smug about my certainty of his trustworthiness…I commented to him (after being caught in a tiny, “meaningless” lie) that he didnt lie very well (how wrong I was !!!) but he seemed genuinely uncomfortable in that interface…he was doing the moral equivalent of drowning kittens in a bag and I don’t think he enjoyed it.

    • OMG, Kintsugi! I did the same thing: I divided everything he said by three. It took me many years to come up with this formula, but it was always spot on. I only wish I could have looked at those exaggerated stories as a big red flag about other things that were going on!

      I trusted this man for over 30 years and over that time he was constantly telling me how inappropriate his friends were behaving and how he couldn’t stand being around them. He reminded me of how lucky I was that he would never do anything like that. When I caught him on a security camera admitting to an affair, I could not believe it. How does a person trust anyone after this? I was super duped!

    • Kintsugi (and others) I did the same thing. Any story he told with numbers, I would divide by two. Ugh, wish I would have seen that for what it was, a setup for future lies. During the first 10 years, I would even ask him, why not tell me; it bothers me when you make up stories. My therapist, who I thought the world of at the time, suggested I say that to him. Now I wonder what her advice would be. I hope all therapists call it what it is – lies, that will only get bigger with time…

  • “I’m so sorry! It was a mistake! It will never happen again.” (That was the first D-day, my first husband, when I caught him with the neighbor.)

    “I was just helping Sister Margaret to figure out if she had a real vocation.” (Evidently not, or she wouldn’t have been fucking a man she knew to be married — because she led our pre-Cana classes.First husband again.)

    “I was at work all night. I caught a transport to Pennsylvania right at the end of my shift.” (He was a flight nurse, often seemed to catch a 4-6 hour call right at the end of his shift. The ‘Find my Friends’ app said he was about 2 miles up the road, in a house owned by people I didn’t know. I believed HIM, because Find My Friends was often inaccurate.Last husband.)

    “I was rowing, and the tide caught me — that’s why Find My Friends showed me in that anchorage. I wasn’t on any of those boats, I was just trying to row against the tide.” (Last husband.)

    And once, he left me alone on our docked boat to “go rowing.” Find my Friends showed him out to sea. Again. I was frantic, thinking he was going to capsize and drown out there on the open water. One of our dock mates in a power boat went out to “save” him. That guy could never look me in the eye again. Turns out he’d found our dinghy tied to another boat, underway out on the open water with no one on deck. I believed he just made an error reading the tide table, and agreed that he needed new glasses. It never even entered my mind until months later that he’d deliberately rowed to some woman’s boat . . .

    “I know I probably almost crossed the line, but we were just messaging on Facebook. You don’t have anything to worry about — I haven’t seen her in forty years.” (Last husband — when we were visiting his home town, less than an hour before his sister mentioned she’d seen the car at old girlfriend’s house. Forty years? He hadn’t seen her in forty MINUTES.”)

    There’ve been other whoppers, but after finding out about the old girlfriend, I don’t believe them.

    • Oh good old Find my Friends. He didn’t come home and said he had missed train and was staying at work. This would have been plausible in previous jobs but certainly not this one. So found out he was in North West, not East London and the next day when I said, but you were in Queen’s Park. He said ‘eh, what are you talking about’ and then did the whole find my friends isn’t that accurate line. I said well that’s true because sometimes it will day I am two doors down from where I actually am! Like it’s about 30 metres out. Left it at that and gave him some time to realise it was bullshit and I am not that stupid so he said he didn’t want to cause hurt and he knew it would if he told the truth and he slept on the sofa fully clothed. I made him show me who he had last called. I had stopped being quite so gullible at this point you will be pleased to hear. But he was till telling me loved us and blah blah affairs aren’t his style. What a charmer.

  • So many in hindsight and this one has nothing to do with cheating but reflects just how much I trusted him.
    Texted me shortly after arriving at work as police detective … “got to work and realized I have two weeks vacation scheduled, going to go hunting”
    My response… “you need to get a planner”
    Reality learned years later… he has driven to work thst morning in police-issued vehicle and was noted to be acting “off”; failed the breathalyzer and was suspended without pay for two weeks.

  • Hmmm – let’s see. There were undoubtedly a lot beyond the ones I can think of in hind-sight.

    – Going to a funeral and “staying with her sister”. But then not staying with her sister but with a random cousin.
    – Going away for the weekend to “be alone to think and decide” and for some reason not having to spend money on a hotel.
    – Going for regular 6 hour long walks in the woods for “exercise” (occasionally true)
    – 7 hours to buy a gift for a baby shower
    – So many errands being run “for work”
    – Needing to move out to “be alone” and “escape the noise”

    I used to get wrapped up in how much of her apparent doubt and uncertainty was real or fake. She was leaving a good stable long-term relationship where we lived a comfortable middle-class life for one where there was incrementally a few more comforts available to her.

    My ex used to lie regularly about all sorts of every-day things. I presume she still does. People don’t really change. Not my problem any more. I just send her her money once a month.

    I remain confident that it wasn’t about the sex at all. I’m pretty sure that despite an undoubtedly hot and steamy beginning that OM isn’t getting any more than I used to. That’s why I think she did have doubts weighing what she could get from OM vs what she’d lose. I am positive that she lost a lot more than she bargained on when it came out about her cheating. She lost her reputation which was one of her most important possessions.

    Well – now they are both stuck at home together I can presume. OM sold his business and retired and Mme YogaPants has been laid off from her retail job. The trips to exotic locations that she used to demand and get have been replaced by going to a KOA. If they were living off of investments, then they are undoubtedly watching that train-wreck. Ah – karma – sometimes all it is is them being them and with each other.

    BT

    • I bet she did lose a lot more than she bargained for. My husband, Colonel Greatguy (although we are currently disagreeing about the texture of mulch we should buy…Im for fine an he is for course…but alas, this is the sort of thing marrieds should argue about, not sex with other people) was previously married to a woman (who gets points for waiting to date until after she had abandoned her husband and elderly father) who chose to leave and pursue greener grass.

      She also demanded and got lavish vacations, a fur coat, diamond earrings from the Col … but no more as she didnt get anyone richer than her first husband. She was single for a while and later married a guy who seems decent but she now vacations on the cheap while I travel Europe with the Col. She hates me and was grossly, inappropriately hostile (considering I had nothing to do with her break up) when we were all at her daughters graduation…

      I did not retaliate in the moment, but I later served my revenge up cold. I arranged for her daughter to get a passport right after her 17th birthday and planned a lovely trip to the Mediterranean where I got to watch her daughters face light up seeing the great cities of Europe. Bam, I win.

    • Dovetailing with the ‘funeral’ excuse….

      POP told me he wanted to go to Dallas and visit his mother’s grave. He would stay with his cousin. Apparently he forgot that his cousin and I had become email friends after having met–he stopped by her house once for about 15 mins. I learned upon his return home that he’d actually gone to Dallas to track down his former ho –who’d moved there to get away from him at her parent’s insistence–and to have dates with several women he’d corralled on Match–and two he met up with when he returned to MY area but not returned to my home. Playing relationship police, I talked to every single one of the women–and each was struck with how immediately ‘clingy’ and manipulative he was. I have no idea if he actually visited his mother’s grave, who is indeed buried there. His cousin thought they were going together–it never happened.

      Oh! Back up—I sensed what hotel he would be staying in. I called and said I thought it was the hotel my ‘brother’ had told me he and his wife were staying in but I wasn’t sure….Being a strikingly handsome man, I described him (and his ‘wife’)….sure enough they (gullibly ) confirmed he was staying there without me even giving me his name. He never answered the phone when they rang him up but you can be sure I left him a message or two…..

  • He got a postcard of a puppy licking a kitten, and the message was, “I like the way you kiss.” Written in French, like that was some sort of code. His defense? The postcard was sent by a woman he briefly dated a couple years ago, and that she had never gotten over him.

  • “Yes, I spent $200 at that strip club. But it was for lap dances for my friends!”

    (I think it was actually a hooker.)

  • She never fucked him. She tried to but he has untreatable ED. They just “fooled around”. Yeah right, she nuked her family and 30 year marriage for hand jobs?

  • He wanted to go to Hawaii. Suddenly. He needed to clear his head–work had been so stressful (true) and a week or so of solo hiking would help him de-stress. He was a loner type, so it made sense. And he did invite me at the last minute–no thought of the kids and school arrangements, no thought of my work schedule, all of which would be my problem to deal with. The deal was, it had to be THIS particular time, or never. Or nothing. This was not a much-wanted vacation for the family–no. This was for him (not at all unusual) and it would be a big effort for the rest of us to tag along.

    He’d been working such long and stressful hours, and his back was constantly in pain. He was depressed. We were up to our eyeballs in house payments, so vacation money was a stretch. I had recently increased my work hours to full time, to pay for college for the kids. He deserved this, I rationalized. And I’m a good wife and mother (I thought so–he refused to say so.) So of COURSE I sent him off, lovingly. I’m not the heavy-handed, selfish, insecure wife, I’m the cool wife.

    He came back with pictures, too. None of him, mind you. But lovely pictures of Hawaii. And life went on.

    Then he suddenly wanted to go to Yosemite in the snow, and hike in the ice. Abruptly. Same scenario–last minute, I would have to figure out the kids, and also Yosemite in the snow and ice dead of winter is at the bottom of the list of places I’d want to go to…and why now, I asked? Can’t we pick a time when the kids were out of school, and go somewhere pleasant and warm? Maybe Hawaii? I did notice that his work vacation calendar was oddly booked for days when the kids were in school. What is WRONG with him??? Why is he so selfish?

    Whatever.

    He had a great time–no, I didn’t need to feel guilty for letting him go ice camping all by himself! In fact, he was going to go again, and I was welcome to join him the next weekend.

    Yep. I fell for that. I still don’t know what was a lie and what was true, but it’s 9 years later (9!!!) and all I know is that I was married to a weird guy who is better off with a more adventurous half-bright.

    • The same thing happened to me several times……last minute or something he knew I would have no interest in doing. I wonder what he would have done if I HAD agreed to go to that ‘wine tasting’.

      Colluding, devious cretins. 😡😡😡

    • Oh yes, the “I want do this trip NOW” ploy. Then “you are so selfish” and “you don’t put me first” attitudes when you can’t just drop your responsibilities for work, children, home (many of which are demanded by him to be fulfilled). They they smugly go off to play while you stay home and wife appliance while feeling incredibly guilty that you didn’t go with them. He’ll be sure to tell the Flying Monkey’s how you just don’t want to support him/be with him, as he happily goes off to whatever adventure (most of which you’ll never know the full extent of) and enjoys himself fully.

      And if you do drop everything and scramble (usually to the detriment of whatever you are dropping) to go along with them – boy are you punished for it and they will do everything in their power to make you as miserable as possible – and blame you for your unhappiness the whole way because “you never appreciate all that I do for you” and “why can’t you just be happy?”

      • Oh yes! The projection – you’re so selfish because you’re an only child. Why can’t you be like the neighbor wife who mows the lawn? Gee ass hat, maybe because I’m taking care of 2 young kids while you are out of town working, I work full-time, and I have a Side hustle business. Always some short coming was highlighted when he blessed us with his weekend presence. Too much laundry piled up, sink full of dirty dishes, etc. Good riddance you lazy narc cheater!

        • Trust me, mowing the lawn doesn’t keep cheaters’ dicks in their pants. I know first hand.

          It DOES highlight their sense of entitlement, and it’s not an attractive look for the cheater, which is one more thing to feel guilty about. I’m over here busting my ass, and he’s taking personal time for himself because it’s his day off. I’m doing chores, and he is tired. And I feel guilty for not liking the optics, for not feeling attracted to the man-baby.

          I think he’s more suited to the adventurous woman who gave him all of her time while I was wife-appliancing. Good riddance. Ta-ta! Not sure who does all the chores in their home now, but I know it’s not my problem.

  • I see that Tempest is here today–she’s an even longer ‘member’ than I and she may recall my relating these a few years ago: (BTW-hey, girl!)

    I can’t say I ‘believed’ either of the following but I ALLOWED them to happen–and that only makes it worse than having ‘believed in him’.

    1) Early on, as I was still getting to know POP–Predatory Opportunistic Parasite– (gaslit, I’d asked him to move in with me), he told me of his prior work with a Catholic charity and that he’d like to start participating again.
    It entailed ‘taking food to the poor’. First time–an organizational meeting at night. He came home around 10 pm. Next time, he came home well after midnight and had been drinking. Upon ‘cross examination’ by me, he claimed the evening entailed going to the store and purchasing food (how would he know what they needed? and he had NO money to do this with so RED FLAG flying immediately–said he would be reimbursed by the church), then taking food to family–sure! AT NIGHT!! Next time, after the ‘charitable actions’, he’d stopped at a friend’s house, drank too much and spent the night–couldn’t call or text ME, huh? I soon refused to allow him to use either of my vehicles–he didn’t have one–and shut that isht down. You can rest assured, he just found other ways to shit me around.

    2) BUT the best (actually MOST painful) was our first NY Eve together, a Thursday night. On my dime, we’d gone out dressed to the nines for dinner and dancing. I truly was having the time of my life—better than my wedding reception. After midnight struck, I excused myself to the ladies room. Upon my return, he announced he’d gotten a call from his best friend’s wife-“R” had been in a terrible accident and she needed POP to come to their house and watch their kids. We had to leave immediately….I was seething. I knew it was BS. When we got back to my house, he did not change from his tux nor take a change of clothes or even a toothbrush. I was seething even more. For the following 4 days, he mainly ignored any contact from me and when he did contact me he tripped himself up over and over again. Guess what? When he returned on Monday morning there was an overnight bag in the trunk of my car full of clothes that I hadn’t seen before that came from his long time ho’s house. I don’t recall how it happened but I had a phone conversation with his ho soon after and she spilled the beans of how they had planned it all out.

    I had him evicted.

    From my becoming aware of current events, I am not going to say that karma has caught up with him—–HE’s caught up with HIMSELF….and it’s NOT going well right now.

  • “I was in the water, a buoy snapped, hit me in the neck and I have a hematoma”. He said this a day before (phone call) he was due back home from the islands where he was working. When I picked him up at the airport I said OMG it looks like a huge hickey. He was annoyed that I made light of it cause he almost died. I believed his story! Never had a doubt. So it turns out it was a hickey as the skank made her mark on him before he returned home to his fiancee. She also came up to the states pregnant with his child. Of course by then his boss’s girlfriend had told me everything and we were done. Skank thought she landed a prize but it did not work out well for her or her child in the end. Oh well.

  • It took 2 hours to go to Home Depot, and he came back with nothing because he didn’t find what he was looking for.

    I couldn’t use or even look at his government issued work phone because that would violate his security clearance.

    The hours he spent texting on said phone were all “work related” messages.

    That HPV I contracted? It must have been lying dormant in my system all of these years, and just now flared up.

    Yeah… naive, trusting and dumb.

    • HPV? At age 68, my doctor told me I had mysteriously contracted the high risk HPV and had to have immediate treatment. I did, seething, and refused to discuss it with my husband, I already knew he was a POS, but felt our grown children did not deserve to know what a bag of feces their dad is. He finally looked at the medicare payment and came to me with this pompous speech about how he’d “never been with any woman but you and one other” forgetting we’d already had this discussion more than 40 years ago and he’d confessed to many others at that time. He claimed I must have brought it to the marriage (right, 48 years ago. Not a chance. I’d have been dead of cervical cancer.) I proceeded to tell him when and how he’d cheated (that I knew about, anyway) and he said “Why didn’t you say anything then?”…Not, “Ok, you got me, I’m sorry…” but “Why didn’t you say anything then?” Because I already knew exactly what he was and there was no point then in hurting our children needlessly.

  • He claimed to be working some overtime hours but his pay check was no different. When I questioned it, he didn’t seem to be bothered about it and actually said, if I complain they might fire me. This exasperated me, but I was too busy to follow up. I must have had suspicions, because it was about that time I put the keylogger on my laptop and encouraged him to,use it. Didn’t take long for the emails to OW to surface.

    It wasn’t until after I threw him out that I linked the “overtime” with his extracurricular visits to her place.

    • I got the “it’s not the sex’’ too- Apparently it was “ just the person she is’’
      A married howorker who was happily complicit in breaking up two marriages with children -is the person she is.

      I also love all the “you are the woman of my dreams, soulmate, thank you for loving me, I enjoy joy every moment I spend with you’’ feedback I got in all the cards over the years- including a month before being dumped for his latest soulmate.

      Besides the loving words, he also had all the kind loving actions to match – it’s going to be hard for me to fix my picker. Maybe sometimes it’s just bad luck? My cheater sounds a lot like chump ladies current wonderful husband. Just saying, it’s not always that the chumps were oblivious to poor treatment. Sometimes the affair / discard was the only poor treatment.

      But my favourite is still when he told me the friend (OW) didn’t even know she was involved, therefore it wouldn’t be fair to her to tell me her name, because she had nothing to do with it
      (when he was pretending he was suddenly leaving me just because ….)

  • “I’m divorced for 4 years.” That was 10 years ago. He was actually separated and I just caught him at the ex’s – well not ex because their still married! Wow!

  • ‘The affair was only 2 weeks long’ (meanwhile it was a decade after investigation)

    ‘I’ve shelved my feelings for her. We’re just friends’

    ‘I can’t wear my wedding ring because it hurts me when I work’ but he does paperwork mostly in an office

    ‘I go to the casino on a Monday night because it’s always empty and I can really play my best like that’

    ‘that’s mine I bought it’ when I found shit like womens sunglasses, chapstick, and even a feathery earring in his car

    ‘but am I not a handsome man?’ oh this was consistent when he eventually got caught

    BUT the best is still….

    ‘I’ve changed’ no, you can fuck right off.

  • After 32 years with cheater ….. this is a hard one!

    I guess I will just resort to the very beginning …. I LOVE YOU!

    The biggest most outlandish whoopers came after I filed for divorce. It sucks to be duped but I know it sucks more to be him ……. free from the BS for 5 yrs now.

  • I could comment “Yup” to about 90% of what CN has already shared… they really are unoriginal fuckwits.

    I offer this one… we had just returned from a vacation to Mexico City with my sister. He stayed behind one day to rest (he had recently had back surgery, so somewhat believable). That was our only time apart on the trip. When we got home, he told me he had picked up crabs… most likely from the hotel bedding he said. I didn’t know any different and chose to believe him. Did you know that less than 5% of crabs come from bedding transfer? The things you learn after discard when the fog lifts and you start to see the red flags you missed the first time.

  • I found a condom rapper and he said him and his supervisor at work we’re fooling around with the condom! By the way he’s 47 years old! They were putting air in it. Really….I didn’t believe it, but like a foolish chump, I let it go. Still don’t know why lol.

    • There are decades of lies, too many to list, but I’m posting this synopsis to the newbies to say that yes, one day you too will emerge from this nightmare. Here are some highlights:

      1990, three days after our wedding, when he called me from Athens : “Nope, I didn’t run into her, no idea what she’s up to.” Two months later: “Eirene, I actually did see her as soon as I arrived in Athens, but I didn’t want to upset you. And hey, I’m telling the truth now. What do you mean you can’t trust me?”

      1991: I deliver our daughter and then six weeks later have a stroke. Cannot walk, lost half my vision, cannot remember the date, the president’s name, where I am. Spend time in hospital with no rehab, go home to absolutely unsupportive husband in new place where I have no friends. I’m trapped but still supportive of him and his career, because what choice do I have? I eventually find a minimum-wage job so that we can pay for our daughter to go to daycare, but after five years, I still cannot remember either the name of the place or the people I work with. Today am still half blind, still have balance problems, still memory-impaired.

      1994: “Umm, I’m calling you two days before our anniversary because I love you so much.” On our actual anniversary I ask him “Why does this pay phone sound so different?” “Umm, I’m not calling from the usual one, so the street noises are different.” The next summer when I find the ferry ticket still in his summer work bag: “Yes, she and I took a ferry to a Greek island, but nothing happened. Everybody was having fun, and I deserve some fun, too.”

      2012: Decades of lies and shifty behavior later: “I’m getting an apartment so that I can have some alone time and assess my life. Don’t worry, eirene. I just need to clear my head.” Two weeks after he leaves for Greece/Turkey, I find out that he sold some “underperforming stocks” and took a former grad-school colleague on a swank top-notch trip to see archaeological sites. Same places where I stayed in C-class hotels with no screens on the windows, much less AC and reliable electricity, hence all the food poisoning over the years.

      2014: Divorce. He’s still with a different local floozy, I’m still sobbing, not sleeping, and grinding my teeth while I nurse my mother in her final days. He and local floozy are now enjoying luxury cruises where he’s actually getting paid for going, since he’s the featured archaeological speaker.

      2020: I’m happily living in my own home, in my lovely community, in a beautiful part of the country, enjoying a quiet, peaceful, content life. He and his poopsie (now married) live in absolute turmoil with huge debt, she’s unemployed and has a mug shot posted online, her college dropout son is squatting with them, and he finally got what he deserves.

      • Eirene, what you went through at the hands of that incredibly shitty piece of shit!

        I am *so* glad 2020 is such a good year, and the fucktarded fuckwit is the one now suffering. 😂❤️

  • Mine was: “You’re the love of my life — and we have a family.” Said to imply he wouldn’t cheat. He did.

  • Or we can all collectively see it as this-
    If you did not end up dead… as in 6 feet under…
    You either had a really chickenshit cheater or the you did not have enough money to make IT worthwhile. To kill you.
    Think about that.

    • Yeah, I think that is a really good indicator of your STBX’s committment to your relationship. Are you now worth more alive or dead???

      • I remind mine all the time (we have a very young daughter together, so still forced to interact) that if I’m dead he gets nothing.

  • He flew home for a week during Desert Storm/Gulf War to take a medical review course for “5 days”. Years and years later I found out the review course was actually 2 days. He stayed the evenings with the kids and I, but was gone everyday that week. All while I worked with two small children in daycare and being the liaison for other spouses between their duty station at home and in Iraq

    Multiple other “medical courses” out of town. NOT

    When I was diagnosed with HPV he insisted it was from my “boyfriend before he and I were married” 33 YEARS AGO while I am anal about getting annual gyno checks

    Such a loser!

  • The ex had to live in another town 4 hours away in order to get a job because he had messed up the one he had in the area we lived in. He started staying with another band director and his wife to save money when he was too tired to drive all the way back to his apartment. Yeah…. that was actually girlfriend #1. He dated her for 5 years. There were a total of three girlfriends- the third one moved in with him before he even signed the divorce papers. He and girlfriend #1 were on a gambling vacation when I got my bone marrow test results. He said it was a school conference trip he couldn’t get out of.

  • I swear on my mother’s grave that it’s over!! As I’m crying in a ball on the ground, after I saw a Facebook message from the whores friend. “I have no idea why that skank is messaging me, maybe it’s about work”. Because of course he is banging his nasty co-worker, and now she has another co-worker try to get ahold of him.

  • My sister is doing all that what app texts until i saw a different length name pop up even though I couldnt read it from where I was and reflected it would be 3am where she was…

  • In mid years of our marriage (13 years married), Cheater was having trouble getting it up and or keeping it up during our intimate nights. One night, I woke up crying, and my cry woke up Cheater, I had just had a dream that Cheater was cheating on me.

    I told him about my dream, he hugged me and said “Babe, is just a stupid dream. I would never do that to you, besides you know I have trouble getting it up and keeping it up, that would be embarrassing, how can I please other women?”

    By the end of our marriage his disfunction little problem had disappeared. He was performing like a pro. At times, keeping up with him was hard.

    Well, it so happens he is the best actor. He is a serial cheater and the best liar. A little pill got me looking for the truth.

    I found a pill in one of his jeans, I Googled it and it was Viagra. I asked him about it, he denied that it was his.

    My gut was begging me to search more. I looked through his texts. One of our “good friends” (female, who I found out was providing them to him) asked him “How was last night? Viagra kicked in?” He replied with “It did and it was bomb, she come multiple times.”

    Well, he had come home late from the “Casino” that night they were texting about, he sure didn’t have sex with me because I was sleeping.

    I looked through his photos in his phone and found pictures of him with a woman that looked more like a man.

    I confronted him and kicked him out. Well, a month later he confessed to never being faithful. He had to cheat with multiple women (coworkers) to cover his sexuality. He is gay.

  • He told me he trimmed his privates because his hair got in the way of his peeing.

    He told me he wanted to shave his body hair off, arms, stomach ect.. because he thought it would please me.

    Took nude pictures of himself because he just wanted to see what he looked like and were only for himself.

    Got an Y membership and started working out which he never did before and bought colored underwear. He said he wanted to work out so his feet wouldnt hurt so much.

    This helps just to hear this again for myself because Im in the stages where he wants me to believe all this and this is only a small sampling! It gets rid of the fog. Thank you Chump Lady.

    • Haha! What an ass. He must have the longest pubes in the world. That’s hilarious. 🤣😆. I’m sorry for you, and good lord! I hope he’s long gone from your life and he’s taken his pubes with him. They really are idiots.

    • “He told me he trimmed his privates because his hair got in the way of his peeing.”

      😂😂😂😂😂

      The lies they come up with. OMFG.

  • ‘I got those scratches all over my back when me and the guys were giving each other piggy-backs between bars’.

    Should’ve picked up the intentional branding of my ex by the ho-worker. I was oblivious. What a chump.

  • He told me never to get the mail. That was his “mail bonding time” where he and the rest of the guys in the neighborhood would stand around and chat. Couldn’t I allow him that one simple pleasure? In reality, he had stolen my identity to take out several loans and rack up debt on credit cards. Also, he was banging the mail lady! Our mail boxes were her last stop, so they’d have their twu luv meetups after every route- on my stolen dollar.

  • “I’m going to the gym” (pretty much every day)

    when we were in wreckonciliation.

    Chumpy me: “Why don’t we ever go to the gym together”?

  • “I went to the dentist and my teeth hurt, so I needed to rest where it’s quiet.” When I found a receipt for a hotel room for THAT DAY. He was home in the evening. Yes, fellow chumps. I bought it, because I couldn’t bear to believe he was cheating again. Turns out he was not only cheating with women from Tinder, but also with prostitutes! Day-time whores – classy!

  • He stopped wearing his ring, even if he went out at night. When I noticed, he said its “too heavy” to wear. I bought it. He married the OW and every time he visits our son my gaze still goes to the ring he wears every single time he visits. Of course it was too heavy, much like the responsibility for the child.

  • I paid for his first tattoo as a birthday gift, drove him to his appointment, wandered around town waiting for him to have it done, messaging him to check he was ok, took photos of him having it done so he could show it off on social media… 9 months later I find out it was a fucking matching design to his ow’s who he had fallen in love with over a year.
    Looking back over our messages that year, I’d basically turned into his personal shopper, he’d message me with things he needed and I’d pick them up on the way home from full time work (while he was a sahd to kids in full time school). I was royally chumped for years, that thought makes me more angry with myself than any cheating he did (and there were multiple times he cheated online with women, the final straw was an actual school mum he physically met up with). Never again will I allow myself to be treated that way!

  • Poor guy is so overwhelmed with the insane amount of out of country trips he is making (basically 80%) of the time and the horrible wife is asking him to slow down a little for the sake of the family (me and small kids). Poor guy gets defensive and says to Horrible wife that she is being unreasonable and an unthankful bitch because she is a SAHM and he needs to work so so much to support our lifestyle and me being a SAHM (something that he always said it was the best thing to do and I was the most amazing woman in the world for doing it). Horrible wife starts getting stressed because the more she asks for fewer trips, the more trips poor guy makes.
    The horrible wife then goes to THERAPY because she is feeling guilty for doing this to the poor guy.

    The poor guy leaves horrible wife saying that ” it’s horrible wife’s fault because he was feeling guilty and could not focus on his career”. Horrible wife asks:”wait a minute, you’re feeling guilty for that but not for abandoning your wife and small kids?”. Poor guy not happy. The horrible wife then finds out poor guy was screwing super duper innocent howorker (that totally did not know he was married even with the fact that EVERYONE KNEW HE WAS MARRIED and also she has been on his Facebook page for years). Horrible wife googles gaslighting.

  • Years ago after I found out about first affair, and supposed reconciliation—months later I would wake up to find pictures of my late beloved aunt moved around the house. I thought I was loosing my mind and psychologically spiraling. Ex convinced me I imagined it and I believed that my late aunt (who I loved very much) was in my house at night trying to help me.

    Happened on and off for about a month and then it just stopped never to happen again

    I never forgot that and after the divorce I asked ex and he said that he did do that just to get a “rise” out of me. Psychological abuse and torture

    • Had he been watching the movie Gaslight? That’s exactly what the villain in the film did.
      Pure evil. I’m so glad you’re safe from that monster.

    • mine would take things out of the house and hide them in the garage (which I discovered after D’day), if I asked him if he had seen (insert item here) he would claim to not even know the item I was referring to or where it was. This would totally mess with me. I was always questioning myself and my state of mind while he would act the victim of my craziness. He got the biggest thrill out of being the stoic supportive husband of the crazy wife who was so damaged she imagined that she had items that did not exist or was so crazy she could not remember where she had put her things and would take her frustration over said items being missing on her poor husband. When I found a box of items in the corner of the garage two years after D’day as I emptied our family home I wanted to punch his lights out for all of the abuse and mental trauma he had put me through. I am so glad I am not in lockdown with the manipulative piece of crap.

  • That when he was going to music festivals every year for five years he was attending the concerts alone or sometimes with my brother. This is a guy who never does anything alone, but I trusted him. I wasn’t even suspicious.

    That’s where he eventually got caught, at a music festival, by my brother. The arrogant dick knew my brother was going to be there, but just couldn’t resist humiliating me in front of my family. I guess he thought he could lie his way out of it when I found out. He certainly tried. But nah. I may have been too trusting, but I’m not stupid.

  • Whooper 1. On the laptop there was a porn page open and another tab open to the contact details for local escorts (prostitution is legal here). I freaked out and he said he was just fantasizing about hot local girls and he didn’t intend to call them or do anything. He said I just don’t get how porn viewing works. 🙄

    Whopper 2. I found a mystery bottle of lube in the car. He said he bought it for me but it fell out of the bag that’s why it was there. I lost it-he said, “yeah, this explanation doesn’t pass the friend test, so you’re gonna just have to decide whether or not you believe me. I’m not gonna keep explaining myself. I was just trying to be nice and I thought you’d like it.”🤮

    Whopper 3. He claims he didn’t cheat on me. That instead, I gave him permission to cheat but I forgot that I did. So why am I so mad? It’s all my fault that I have such a bad memory. 🤯

    How’s that for Olympic level gaslighting?

    • I think, years in…one of the ways he justified it was to convince himself that I had also cheated and we had an “agreement”. Trouble is I didnt cheat and we did not have any agreement. There was a time I worked a 16 hour night shift in a neonatal ICU and he later told me he was sure I went home with a guy after my normal shift and had sex.

      If memory serves, at some point, I said to him “If you have been having sex with women because you though I was also cheating and we agreed to it then you have made a terrible mistake”. The couple of years before he died, I saw him sometimes look horribly perplexed…once I said to myself “he looks like a person with a terrible secret” and yet I still did not know the lengths of his treachery.

      I wonder all the time what I would have done had I known the truth while he was alive.

  • Oh god this is so pathetic and hilarious and I didn’t fall for it but it’s too funny. He (then aged only 38) bought anti-wrinkle eye cream for himself and when I said “who is that for?” He said it was for me 😂😂😂😂😂😂 This guy hadn’t even celebrated Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day for the past 4 years as he thought all that was bullshit and he expects me to believe that EYE CREAM is for me? Oh god…. I look back and think, why didn’t I throw him off then, during the first affair!!!!!!!! Oh well, I fought…. “for the kids”…..

  • I woke up one Sunday morning and there was an anonymous email to my work inbox. You know EX is having an affair? I was so taken aback. I went downstairs shaking and said what the fuck is this? He looked so shocked (later I knew that was actually his lying and guilty look). He said he hD. I idea he isn’t that kind of guy and looked so upset. I trusted him 100% and found a plausible reason that now looks like a giant spackle sandwich. Towards the end he kind of didn’t do much when he did get caught. Always ‘knew I would take it the wrong way and didn’t want to cause hurt’. Couldn’t bear to see himself as the bad guy. Gives me the shivers thinking about how that was all going on under my nose. Good comment earlier though about you so trust them because you are trusting person. When he started to put Just For Men in his beard and buying expensive shampoo when he said he was leaving that was frankly when his mum and I despite all the protestations to the contrary to us both finally knew he was lying and then I went and got the evidence I needed to back that up. Nasty really thinking about how gullible I was but at least I can live with myself.

  • Woh, It never ceases to amaze me that so many of us are put through this intolerable behaviour and the fuckwit think it’s part of their entitlement.
    Mine too went for a sparkle 30 years his junior. They live together now. I’m so sorry your little one was so young. At least mine are old enough to make their own decisions about this man who was once a good father. Best wishes

  • Like everyone else here there were myriad of common, standard cheater lies, but one of the worst was this.

    My cheater told me that he was no longer able to look after our young child 3 afternoons a week as he’d taken work on those days.

    So for 3 years, three days a week kid was in before and after school care, and I busted a burner to pick kid up before childcare closed at 6pm. This also created logistical problems with sports trainings etc for our older kids as well .

    Turned out he was only working on one of those days. The other 2 days he spent the whole day with Schmoopie -breakfast, lunch and dinner in fancy hotels, (plus hotel rooms) which I was paying for, and also the childcare!!!

    Later on my child told me that every morning he would call Schmoopie as soon as they got in the car, and he would talk to her all the way to school. He was even arranging where to meet her with our kiddo in the car!!! “Mum, they had a lot of business appointments at x cafe and y cafe” (now explains a bit of awkwardness from teen waitress and other cafe staff when we went there as a family for mothers day -some of staff were older teen daughters sports teammates).

    On several occassions when kiddo was sick he had to “take parental leave” to mind her as he “couldn’t work from home cos kiddo might overhear confidential business conversations” ( he worked in sales not national security!!).
    Kiddo told me recently that on those days he locked kiddo in the house and left her home alone all day. She was seven years old and sick and he left her home alone so he could go spend time with schmoopie..???!!!

    Recently he told me “I only ever told you one lie”…….. in my head all I could think was “yep, Chumplady is right, the only truth is that they all suck!”

    • That is evil, absolutely evil.

      My Cheater was in the military and when you are married to one of them, you are expected to be “supportive to their career” which means adapt to ANYTHING thrown at you. We had 3 kids and I worked as a nurse…crazy wild hours. I cant remember all the times I had severe childcare problems because all hr had to say is “I have to work” and all logistics became my problem.

      After I learned he was a cheater, I have wondered how many childcare problems were caused by his fucking and I believe that God will hold him accountable for the abuse of his family and the latitude we gave him because we trusted he would do right by us.

      I have surely hit a place where the betrayal, cruelty and selfishness bothers me more than the sex.

  • Tried to tell me that the brand new but not full packet of condoms that my 2-year-old nephew emptied out of his briefcase in front of my whole family on Mothers Day was from over a year ago before he had his vasectomy. Um, yeah. And you kept them in your briefcase. You’ve had a new briefcase since then anyway. That’s NOT the lieI bought.
    When I was so sick of being taken for a fool I rang the condom company with the batch number and asked how old this packet was. It had only gone on the shelves a couple of months earlier. I confronted him with this and he had nothing, but insisted that the company must have been wrong because the condoms were old. Having had time to think about it as well, he ‘realised’ that the reason they were in his briefcase was because when our kid were babies and I was too tired for sex, he used to use them for wanking before he came to bed at night. Again, could not explain why they would still have been in a new briefcase.
    The next day he came home from work and announced that some guys from work had put them in his briefcase as a joke.
    By then I was too tired of fighting about it, and went oh OK, I’m so sorry I didn’t trust you. Of course then I was the one in the wrong.
    Months later he comes home from doing the groceries, and as I am putting the shopping away I pull the receipt out of the bag – condoms? Shock horror – he didn’t buy those! He was going to go back to the supermarket and get his money back!
    Again – didn’t really buy it but didn’t have the energy to argue again. Whatever.
    It was actually a relief when he finally found an OW who wanted a relationship and he left. I was so emotionally exhausted I just couldn’t bring myself to initiate a separation myself.

  • For years I put ex’s behaviours down to trauma he experienced as a child and subsequent mental health issues. That was what I told myself to excuse him raging, being selfish and regularly picking fights and storming off for hours only to come back and go on like nothing had happened. I understand now that he had been on dating sites for years and these “fights” were his strategy to get away for some random hookups. He took a lot of business trips and I always encouraged him to take time away for him. Facepalm !!
    When I finally busted him on a “business trip” with ho worker the lies came thick and fast – he had been unhappy for 5, 10 , 15 years, he hadn’t had his needs met, there had been “No penetration” on the trip, he needed to separate to have time to think about us and would be keeping his distance from her – bank records showed transactions in her isolated suburb. Uh huh.
    Anyway, he left for the ho worker and they moved 3000 kms away. He continued to be deceptive to me, our family and to her – we kept in touch via messenger for financial issues and he regularly said he missed me, still loved me blah blah presumably sent from the toilet to hide from ho worker !
    He and schmoops sadly didnt last. Apparently there was an incident where she attacked him with a pick axe and he had to call the police who arrested them both. He has told people she was crazy, menopausal, was gaslighting him and everyone in their small town hated her and she hated them. She had packed up and left him. According to their prior facebook messages they would be happy living under a bridge as long as they were together. Nope
    I think he has a new friend now. Poor bitch. Liars lie and cheaters cheat and that ain’t gonna change. I didnt think it at the time but what a lucky escape 😁

    • “raging, being selfish and regularly picking fights and storming off for hours only to come back and go on like nothing had happened”

      Mine did this and almost always came home with groceries…as if that were his plan all along. It was back WAY before the internet, so I wonder if there were work whores he had here and there. I will never know.

      • He did this once late at night when we (with 2 little kids) were on a trip and staying in downtown San Francisco. Dear God…what if he found a hooker or whoever…its a miracle I didnt die from some disease.

  • The biggest lie I believed was that he was just randomly bashed and robbed in the city on the way home from a business appointment. I left work and rushed to collect him and then sat for hours in a local e.d. waiting for him to be seen due to a head injury he had sustained, but the injury was not enough for him to go to hospital by ambulance directly after the incident happening ( he refused). I then watched him while we sat in the e.d. as he wrote out an account of the incident despite having a head injury that was causing headaches and blurred vision. In the days that followed he began to claim short term memory loss and could not attend work, didn’t attend work for five weeks and then went on reduced duties for close to six months. All of our friends and family rallied around us in support because he was so traumatized. Fast forward three years later on D’day and I discover that the incident was the result of a hook up gone wrong. Lets just say that the discovery of this information put his injuries into perspective. He had actually been the victim of a gay hate crime but was not willing to get the help he really needed after the incident because he could not be honest and then emotionally shut down in order to cope and then turned it on me for not understanding and being supportive of him, but that was because his story just did not add up at the time.
    Following D’day so much made way more sense, he was in the closet and had been active for most of our 20 year relationship, claimed it was all in his past from the point of D’day, showed no remorse, never apologized, and then just expected that I would maintain our marriage to maintain his facade.
    No thank you.

  • “I have been a good boy for too many years and it has gotten me nowhere”, he said…. Really? What about our beautiful family with two amazing kids, two dogs, a wonderful life being married for 22-years, and together for almost 30?!?! Really?
    “Now I want to live MY life, I am respected and admired, and having sex with women make me strong”, he said. The truth is that we came from nothing, but he had his degree and I supported him financially for at least 10-years of our life together and finally two years ago we made it, we were finally financially stable, even more, we had money. I sacrificed so much when we started together, I was the one with the personality, and the one that had no doubt of being successful, but helped him instead, a man with a career, he had more opportunity to reach success with my help and creating security for our family. I started 9 years ago in a “secure” job reaching a Director position, while he worked on stepping up his career to reach CEO status. We made it! I had invested so much in supporting him, and finally our family’s dreams would come true, and the cheating started.
    I am devastated, he destroyed our family. He lied, and the loving, wonderful man that I married is dead, and took away my dreams. We are in the middle of our divorce, and he does not want to sign the Marital Agreement sent to him since December. Wants to keep all the money for him and leave me with what he thinks I deserve, not what I actually deserve. I do not want to spend our kids future in attorney fees. I will make it on my own, start again. He is dead to me, but I fear his ghost will haunt me forever.

    • Cheyenne, your story is so similar to mine. 24 years of marriage and he thinks he’s had “nothing” because he hasn’t been having enough S&M sex. Really? I’ve moved countries for him, live away from my family, worked to have successful careers and support him, have a lovely home, a beautiful child, friends, etc. But-he completely and utterly discarded me. He hates me now, blames me for everything and won’t properly separate because he thinks I’ll be fine on my own and HE will decide if I get any money. He’s actually said he’ll pay only if I’m desperate for money, but thinks I have a good job so he doesn’t owe me anything. He won’t pay child support, etc. Does not give a shit about me AT ALL. Plays mindfuck games with my lawyer. It’s totally amazing how they completely and utterly discount their entire lives and walk out the door for sex (that is, after they’ve already been getting it anyway). Pathetic – I feel your pain.

      • The word is SICK, our soon-to-be ex-husbands are crazy and sick. It is sick to think that someone can discard the person who he shared his life with for over 22, 24, 30 years, like it meant nothing. I am still in shock. Mine, pays for everything still, but does not want to finish signing our Marital Agreement, and get the divorce finalized. He even offered to not get the divorce, but continue living separate instead, this way he still controls me financially. He likes living a double life. This is very hard, but I take it day by day. In these unprecedented times, never lived with a pandemic, he continues to amaze me in the worst of ways ever.

    • Oh, I’d go for what you’re entitled to including half of his pension, health insurance and your home. And he should pay child support. What he says doesn’t matter. Giving in now empowers him to do more damage in the future.

      • Doingme – Well, all that is in the Marital Agreement – the house, the life insurance, the child support, the alimony, and others. He does not want to sign it, keeps postponing the date and comes up with excuses. I am taking it with patience. We all pay for what we deserve here in this Earth and in this lifetime.

    • Cheyenne, I am so sorry. Your story really resonates with me. Narcissists discard when we’re no longer needed. Once you made it financially and provided the financial stability for him to move up in his career, he had no more use for you. You fulfilled your purpose in his eyes.

      My cheater husband discarded me after his father died and his elderly mother came to live with us, bringing her social security and pension with her. I had always provided the financial stability for us and now that he had his mother’s money, he had no use for me. He gave me the discard literally one week after she moved in.

      He was already getting sex from his mistress, and once he could start collecting money from his mother, I was coldly dismissed from my own marriage. He gave me the cruel and brutal discard IN PUBLIC, at our favorite “date night” restaurant, the week before my birthday. Brutal. I found out about his affair just days later. Two blows I’ll never recover from, I fear.

      I’m so sorry he looks at beautiful you and your marriage and beautiful family as “nothing”… My cheater called me a “logistic” standing in the way of his happiness with his mistress. It’s horrific how they dehumanize us.

      The trauma from that night in the restaurant still knocks the wind out of me, and that was 11 months ago.

      • Mary Keenan – I am sorry for both our experiences. We deserve so much more. I have no doubt in my mind that we will be better without them. They used us, and we had no idea because we did everything out of love. But it’s their loss. They will get what they deserve, maybe not now or right away, but I believe they will eventually. My husband is DEAD to me. What I now interact with, is his ghost. In time, we will both recover. I believe strongly, we will.

  • That he was actually going to take our two year old daughter to spend time with her at a children’s museum.

    Nope. Met the AP out for lunch, with our daughter. Found out through photos on her facebook page. Does it get any lower? I think not.

  • At the very start of the relationship I was told that his church ostracised him for leaving his first wife. It wasn’t until our mutual friends did exactly the same thing that I realised he’d cheated on his first wife. Which he finally admitted to during wreckonciliation

  • This one still has me to this day. He caught hepatitis B while I was pregnant. I believed him when he said he got it from some one stabbing him in the neck with a needle while in the elevator. My doctor told me it wasn’t possible, but I believed until I came home early after visiting family with my newborn to see a gay orgy in my living room. This of course was blamed on my inability to keep the house clean.

  • When I found evidence of cheeting, he made me believe he was gay. I felt so sorry for him, that he had not felt that he could be himself, and I comforted him and said I would help him move foreward without shame.We have to kids, together 14 years. I felt like it could explaine all the anger and abuse. Turns out IT was indeed a woman ( I think one of many) but he had some unexplored feelings for men. Now he lives with a woman with three kids, and barely sees HIS kids. But thats good since he has not been kind to them.

    • Plumtree, sounds like my X. I found out that he cheated on me through our 13 year marriage with multiple women (10+). He confessed to being gay and having a 13 year affair with a man. However, since he doesn’t want to come out of the closet, he had to sleep with women from his work (the man he had an affair with is from his work too) so no one would ever suspect his gay.

      My divorce is almost final, he still in the closet and I believe living with/prying on the last AP (women).

      Now, my first reaction after finding out he was gay and didn’t accept himself was like yours, sadness for him and wanting to help him to accept himself. But then I realized that he didn’t care about me or our children at ALL. By lying and putting my health in danger showed me the real him. A person who will do anything to get his way. That’s when I decided he was a person I didn’t want to associate with.

      My family and friends are schocked that I have no heart for him. He conned all of us, in my eyes and theirs he was the perfect husband and father. They say, he is struggling in life and needs support. I know he needs support, but he is a healthy 40 year old man that can figure out life on his own, just like I’m doing it on my own with no one’s help.

      Sorry I went on a rant, basically I think for once your X told you the truth, he is a gay man that doesn’t accept himself.

      • I’m really amazed that everybody is so supportive of him and nobody of you and your children. He knew who he really is and he conned himself, you, your children, his mistresses (not that I feel sorry for them). At the end he keeps cheating on his male partner. You and your children are the only ones who were in a dark,he cheated you of being with a man who’s fully into you and they’re sorry for him?? Blimey.

        • Persephone:
          Honestly, I think they are all still in denial. Just like I was on Dday. I know it’s hard for some people to accept their sexuality, I do feel bad for them. However, I don’t feel sorry for X because he is a manipulative and heartless personal. If he would have never cheated on me with either sex, I think I would have supported him and helped him to accept himself.

  • The biggest lie I received was “that accusation you are making would make me a pedophile, a pervert….if you bring this up again I will assume you don’t want to be married.”

    I believed him, and actually felt ashamed for my suspicions. I then found out he was a pedophile and a pervert by his definition. The exact things I was accusing him of was 100% true and worse. He was having sex in my bed with much younger howorker who was his intern. He was literally using his place of work as his own personal and private sexual playground. He used women like old socks. Had various people in different “phases” of grooming. He was like a spider, trying to entangle his prey. Sick shit.

    Then the financial deceit came to light . Please sign this paper work blah, blah, blah. All lies.

    Had no idea he had stolen the entire retirement. I had no idea he was a psychopathic narcissist.

    While on the couch of my therapists office last month she asked me if I had ever suspected I was poisoned. My ears perked up. About 4 years prior to my D day I had became very very ill. My doctor took a hair sample and tested me. I had extremely high levels of arsenic in my system. I even had the EPA come test my water and they took samples of my yard. Of course they found nothing. We were all scratching our heads wondering why my arsenic level were high. When I say “we”, I mean my doctor and I. My husband was eerily silent about the whole thing.

    It never occurred to me he could be poisoning me. It did occur to my therapist who saw my health issues massively improve once I no longer lived with him.

    My judge is a woman. I have forensic accountants and hired the biggest, meanest and most expensive lawyer in all of Arkansas.

  • what an evil piece of S**t!
    I hope the judge sees right through him and gives you back everything he took from you and more.

  • Gods, there were just so many:

    2004 Separation: “I’m Mormon, you’re evangelical Christian, you’ve been a perfect wife, it’s just our faiths that divide us.”

    Reality: he was cheating. We didn’t have religious differences, we had vagina differences.

    2004 Separation: “We don’t have peace in our home, and my [very Mormon] parents always cultivated an atmosphere of peace.”

    Reality: see above. He was “peacefully” plowing some other woman’s field.

    2004 Separation (a little later): “You’re a terrible person! You’ve done nothing but emotionally and verbally abuse me since we married a year ago! You’re so terrible that I’m not going to give you the chance to go to therapy and fix this, I want out!”

    Reality: see above. I spent the next 10 years after wreckonciliation walking on eggshells, believing I was this rage monster who had nearly driven my sweet, gentle husband to divorce.

    2014 Separation/Divorce: “How did I get those scratches all over my back? Uh, I don’t know.”

    Reality: there is only one way a man gets scratches all over his back, and it isn’t by losing a fight with a feral cat.

    This was probably the biggest lie of them all though:

    2014 Separation/Divorce: “I didn’t take that picture, someone else took it and sent it to me.”

    I had logged into his FB account in one of my rages and tagged the Other Woman from his profile and called her a whore. I shouldn’t have, but I did. He had made a huge deal about how I was a terrible person and he would never “invade [my] privacy” like I had invaded his. He was also mad that I had caught him cheating by checking his cell phone, terrible privacy-invader that I am.

    When he handed me some divorce paperwork, he accidentally left something in the stack: a photograph of my FB profile saying something about the divorce. Not a screenshot; an actual photograph of my desktop opened to my profile from my account. I pulled it out and said, “What’s that you said about how I’m a terrible person for going through your account?”

    And that’s when he said, “I didn’t take that picture, someone else took it and sent it to me.”

    Again, this was not a screenshot. It was a photograph of my desktop screen in my apartment open to my profile page from my account. So his lie amounted to, “I didn’t go through your account myself, I let someone else into your apartment and they turned on your desktop and rifled through your Facebook page for me, then took a picture and sent it to me.”

    And . . . I bought it. I spent the next month living in paranoia and fear that someone else had a key to my apartment and was peeping through my stuff. I even checked the IPs on my Facebook logins. I thought about installing a camera system or calling the police.

    A month or two later, he admitted he was lied and it was him who had taken the picture. Because of course he did.

    BTW, last night I was watching the Good Friday service with my second husband from our living room (you know, on lockdown in our clean 5-bedroom house). My 6yo son came downstairs and sat between us, and chirped, “This is actually kind of peaceful!” Meanwhile, cheater lives in a crappy, messy apartment with no furniture, has a crappy job, and likes to date f***ed-up women.

    He was right, the two of us together didn’t have peace. But it’s pretty clear now which of us was to blame for that.

  • Thank you, everybody, for sharing all these stories of the preposterous lies we were told. There has been a lot of laughter and incredulous head-shaking as I read these awful posts. Please know, all you people sobbing and hunching over in pain, you will get through this!!! It does take time, but I promise that one day you will realize that the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you are very proud of how you survived with your integrity intact. You are all mighty!

  • All of these are terrible. We’ve all been through too much.

    “It was an online fantasy thing, there was nothing real about it.” Two days later I find plane tickets and hotel reservations.

  • “She seduced me!” And I blamed her for being such a powerful female who could so effortlessly manipulate him into sticking his dick into her.

    I actually thought he was the victim who would have never had an affair had she not manipulated him with her strong powers 😀😃😄😁😆😅🤣😂 he cried about being seduced by her against his will… LMFAO

  • It wasn’t earth-shattering or even clever, but when I founf a receipt for floral delivery that I never received, Boss Hogg told me that his skankwich had been in the hospital sick and that her husband “was an asshole” which was why he sent them to her.
    Upon D-day, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to point out this his own wife’s husband was ALSO “an asshole.”

  • “You’ve accused me of cheating so I may as well.” So that as it became very clear he was cheating over the next and last 2 months of our marriage, I thought it was my fault and was having anxiety attacks. In fact, come to find out he’d been cheating with that AP at least 9 months, she putting their workday romps on her credit card and him paying her back. A man I’d been married to 13 years that mostly treated me like a queen until he finds a job where people actually treated him with respect and then wife and kids are no good anymore. My only clue I should’ve listened to way early on was that he did not treat his mother with respect and has never had any boundaries enforced by his parents particularly his mother.

  • I see a theme here, and I can add to it: the plausibility of overtime.

    And what a chump I am.

    Nine years later, and today I’m staring at my laptop, squinting…wait a minute….

    It was all so plausible, too, because hospital = overnights. IT = software/systems launch = OT, including…overnights. Systems launch = stress = irritability. Hospital, IT, systems launch = on-call and “trainings.”

    What an idiot I am.

    Bahahahah! I made it soooooo easy for them.

    Meh.

    They’re made for each other. I wonder if they reminisce about how stupid I was. Well, I was, to be fair. Part of me hopes they get off on that, cuz it’s a really shitty and toxic thing to be proud of, to have in common, to start a relationship off with. Cheers to them and their genius!

  • He had hickey on his neck and said it was a bruise from hitting himself with a dumbbell 😖. I never thought he would be the type to cheat and believed it.

  • No only did I believe the lies that were somewhat plausible, I believed the ones that made no sense at all. After DDay last summer, I asked my STBXH what he thought might have gone so terribly wrong in our marriage that we never bonded and that he would have an affair, and he said to me, “You never surrendered yourself to me.” Umm, come again? What does that even mean?? But back then I bought that lie. I didn’t know about covert narcissists back then, nor about blame shifting, nor about the fact that THEY are incapable of bonding and are experts at somehow getting their partners to voluntarily humiliate themselves for them.

    Still smoking the hopium back then, I immediately bought that confusing statement/lie and started to think of ways I might have “not surrendered” to him, saying “Ok, yes, well, maybe I didn’t surrender to you in this X way, or in that X way…”

    He watched me turn my brain into a pretzel to #1 believe his lie, #2 let it confuse me, #3 take the blame for his affair, #4 take the blame for our unhappy marriage and #5 make up my own explanation to fit his narrative. As a covert narc, no doubt that he got so many kibbles from my naiive reaction.

    My cheater was great at using just one sentence to achieve several narcissistic goals all at one time. Now I see these statements coming from a mile away and can dissect them in an instant.

    Thank you CL and CL Nation for so much education, enlightenment, encouragement and so so much mighty!! You all inspire me every day.

    • I got a line like that…
      Cheater: I married you but I did not ACCEPT you…
      ME: huh?
      What a piece of shit

  • After he moved out he wanted to come pick up some clothes. I said ok. When I got home from work I saw he had only picked up his suits and dress clothes. Weird, as he is a contractor.

    I saw him a few weeks later and I asked about just picking up suits. He told me a story about a friend from catholic high school that had passed away and he was going to the funeral. This kid had been paralyzed since high school because of a freak accident where he did a standing back flip, landed on his neck and became paralyzed. My x said he always felt responsible for the accident because he encouraged him to do the back flip. I asked how his family found him? Oh a friend of a friend told them hisnumber, or his sister gave them his number, he doesn’t remember. I asked if he was going to see his family while he was down there, oh hell no of course not why would I do that!!??!

    Flash forward a few months and I found his GF Instagram. That weekend he grabbed the suits he made a trip to Chicago and stayed in a very fancy hotel there and she posted them at the restaurant at the top floor of that hotel and The dress code Was you have to wear a suit. LOL. What bother wirh the long story about a death of some Random person from 40 years in the past?

    • That’s just pathetic image management at the extreme. They always have to be so wonderful. They believe their own lies.

  • I was away in the Marines, so was blissfully unaware of my fiancée’s clandestine fooling around habits in college. She spent the night one time (that I know of) in my “best friend’s” frat house room because she “missed the return bus” to her college (Michigan State) after a football game at Michigan. Thankfully, another one of my friends at UM saw it all and ratted her out. Later, I confronted her and was told the missed the bus story and was given the assurance that “there was no sex”. My ex-buddy had the same story, well rehearsed, I image. I swallowed it at first, but they eventually both wound up on my NC list when she turned up preggers (by another guy) 4 months later. So happy I dodged that bullet!

  • Where to begin

    “She’s just a friend”
    “I want to move out for a month because you weren’t appreciative enough of the birthday party i threw for you. It’ll give me a chance to learn new recipes!”
    “I want to explore an open marriage but i don’t have anyone in mind”

    • Yeah ZoomPotatoFace, I got that one. But he failed to tell me that the open marriage had been running for 13 years on his side of the fence only. Bullshit! He even found a therapist to tell him that “many couples” have open relationships. Bullshit again! Even his girlfriend didn’t want one. He chose her instead and left his daughter too. Assholes!!

  • I found condoms in my husband’s Amazon search history. He told me that he bought them to use with his ($100) sex doll so it wouldn’t be “too messy.” I bought this absurd story because he is a lunatic and that is something he would do. Shocker—he bought the condoms for paid sex parties, where he had unsafe sex with strangers. He told me that the women at the parties are “steak” while I am lowly “cheese.” Lol.

  • My wife told me that she only had snapchat for the filters and our daughter liked using them..
    She forgot to mention the guy she was snapchatting..
    But the biggest lie ever after i found out..
    He is my friend.. That is all he is to me now…
    Ermmm yeah you screw all your friends do you??

  • I found an air B&B review that was extremely complimentary about the cleanliness after a work trip. I knew this was odd as he has never cleaned a thing in his life or even wiped the kitchen bench effectively. I asked if he was with a woman. I asked why an air B&B for a work trip. It was cheaper for the company and he didnt use anything, so that is why it was clean.

  • >