Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Cake Speak?

Share on twitter
Share on facebook
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on pinterest
Share on pocket
Share on print
Share on email

cakeWhenever I’m trying to categorize posts, invariably I file most under “cake eating” — the act of having both a chump and an affair partner (or 6) and all the entitlement therein.

Which made me realize we have an entire sub-category of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say — Cake Talk!

“After we divorce, we could always date, you know.”

“He’s like my best-friend, but you’re my husband!”

“You’re the one I really love.”

So tell me, chumps — what is the cake-iest thing a cheater ever said to you?

At the risk of having many predictable cheaters (“We can still be friends, right?”), I’m guessing some of you guys can out-freak the rest of us.

So lay it on me — Stupidest Cake Speak ever.

Lay it on me!

Share on twitter
Share on facebook
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on pinterest
Share on pocket
Share on print
Share on email

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Well my XH was totally arrogant. The audacity of what he said still astounds ne to this day. He said: ” when you go behind someone’s back, you always get found out”. He said this when he opened MY post and discovered I’d applied for a loan to pay for a divorce. He felt I had seen a solicitor deceptively.
    The fact that he had made over 200 sex tapes and had been screwing around on me for at least 13 years behind my back did not seem to register with how fucking stupid his comment was.

    • Ally, I would also file that turd under cheater false equivalencies and sophisms and scapegoats. What my language calls putting an old goat in the living room to cover up your elevator-fart.

      • Haha and totally agree. Mine was indignant that I’d filed for divorce after learning of his 2 1/2 year affair with a much younger woman.

        In his mind, the real offense was that I’d called a lawyer.

        You can’t make this up.

    • This was my ex — unexplained manscaping, random hotel room key cards founds in our master bedroom, and over $100,000 in gambling debt he accrued and hid in the last years of our marriage, but SCREAMING that I had “duped” him by hiring a moving crew (while he should have been at work) to help the kids and me flee our family home after a year of separation following another DV attack, intense “marriage reconciliation” with elders and a licensed counselor at our church (which, LOL, no — it was a train wreck), and being told by said licensed counselor that if he didn’t return for a third round of a Batterer’s Intervention and Prevention course, I’d have no choice but to enact my safety plan. When I did, I “duped” him, the counselor “duped” him, all the elders and the pastor at our church “duped” him. Because our church was a popular church with a widely known leader, he was threatening to call all the Dallas news stations to air our story as proof of all this duplicity. (Please do!). It’s insane how offended they become when they get what they deserve.

      He was so angry and aggressive, the three giant male movers who came to carry things out over a three hour day spent seven hours moving us because they spent all their time slowly walking between my large husband and little me because they were certain he was going to kill me that day, and as per usual, the police I called did nothing to help. (In retrospect, I know that too should not have happened because stuff is stuff, but that aggression was my everyday, hence the fleeing, so I was trapped in the “I gotta make sure my kids have what they need” mode, and still packing boxes and moving things. I was stuck there. My brain was stuck.)

    • Mine liked to say “Character is what you do when no one’s looking.”

      Yup. It sure is.

      • Mine would give long lectures on integrity.
        Emphasis on “he was a man of integrity” When he walked out I asked about his integrity, he replied “its completely in tact. His arrogance is nauseating.

        • I’ve had to endure many comments of his distain for people who ‘don’t do the right thing’, or his bragging about how he did good deeds for people- even strangers! Oh, sure, you really know how to treat people. Your wife? Her I just use.
          They are such hypocrites! Snooty better-than-you preachers, who get their secretary pregnant, or swindle you out of money, when you’re putting them on a pedestal!
          I wish they would teach Narc 101 in middle school, I could have used it 😂

          • Exactly! I would have been able to use that information too!! I have even said this. Perhaps, people don’t want to look at the huge amount of problems this is. Best keep this under the rug and not speak about great aunt Suzi’s problems! Please talk about great aunt Suzi and grandpa Henry, and whoever else had issues. We need to know!

    • My ex said „if you had treated me better by only 5% none of this would’ve happened „ – What does that even mean?

      • WTF? What does that even mean? 5%?

        Mine said that he left me because of how I reacted when he said he wanted a separation. I admit that I got angry.

        So apparently it was my reaction that was the problem not his 2 1/2 years of cheating with a much-younger woman. He said he lied every day. But I had a bad reaction to all that. So the end of our marriage is my fault. Unbelievable.

        • He removed me from our joint account. Then changed the e-mail statements from our family e-mail to his private one so I wouldn’t see him sending money to schmoopie 1, schmoopie’s mom, and schmoopie 2 thru whatever. Then expected me to go through the statement with him to explain our regular bills. Nope, if it’s not my business, its not my business

    • Omg yes! My ex acted like me getting a lawyer was an act of war. It’s what smart people do in a divorce. I now realize he was actually mad because he thought I would just go along with whatever he wanted and once I met with a lawyer I learned what my rights are. Someone didn’t like that. I was supposed to quietly disappear and cause him no further thought except for exchanging our kids. Whoopsie! Silly ole me wanted my fair share of assets after 17 years supporting his loser ass.

    • Your ex must have been best friends with mine. The only response I ever got was: “I don’t need your forgiveness. I’ve already forgiven myself.”

  • After d-day 1, I mistakenly thought I needed to be more attractive and got breast augmentation. One day after the surgery he said that it made him happy to think that if we ever got divorced he at least got me new boobs.

    Another gem…. I never thought I would have 2 beautiful women fighting over me.

    • After my d-day 1, my ex decided to get herself a boob job. We had been married for 20 years, and she had always been completely flat-chested. I thought maybe it was for me. She said it was for herself. Nope, it was for her new man. As soon as she had recovered from the surgery she pursued him relentlessly, after promising never to see him again.

    • “Bitches be trippin”

      This, from a 35-year old man after he tells me his schmoopie is upset that he told me her name.

  • You have self respect, she doesn’t.
    I treat her worst than you.
    I wasn’t going to leave you.
    All children who are sexually abused in childhood are drug addicts or alcoholics.
    (no they are not)
    She’s a slag
    Are you willing to share me.
    You should be grateful some of my friends don’t come off drugs.
    My friend is allowed to cheat why can’t you be like that.

  • “Can I not be in love with 2 people at once?”

    Not when you’re married to me, buddy. See ya.

      • Exactly what I said also. Funny how his new Twu Wuv wasn’t on board when he started fucking another gal, 30 years younger. Now, two and a half years since D-Day, and a year and a half since divorce, he’s suddenly attempting hoovering.

        Nope. I ignore. And ignore some more.

    • OMG I GOT THE SAME EXACT QUESTION out of his little timid forest creature mouth. And my answer was the same as yours. Not with me.

  • “ you go to that apartment, work on yourself and I’ll come to see you every day, maybe we’ll even get remarried” this said before he even left , uhhh, don’t we have to get divorced before we “remarry”?? Smdh

    • I got, “one day we’ll find our way back to each other,” as he drove out of our farm, our life of thirty mostly wonderful (yep, until I discovered the cheating) years together. My dad, who was with me that day, his jaw was on the ground. This guy had been openly dating another woman, whose region he ran to, for the previous seven months, whilst still living with me. Not his first rodeo. Special kind of mind fuck. Special kind of double Chump 🤦‍♀️

  • When I discovered my wife at the time was involved with another woman I confronted her. Her response after being found out was, “I thought two women being together was your fantasy.”
    But in my fantasy I thought I would have been involved….

  • “I’m not a bad person! I just make bad choices!”

    Yeah. Tell me all about it Asshole. I’m sure Bernie Madoff had a few good qualities too. 🙄

    • I heard pretty much the same thing after DDay #2 with the same AP. Mine was “I’m a good person and it was just a mistake” and for me to stop making her feel bad for what she did because it was “just a mistake”. Mistake the first time, not likely but ok, immediate continuing the affair after the first DDay for almost another year, that’s not a mistake, it’s purely an intentional death blow.

      • Yeah. My fantasy is, in the future, when we all get brain chips implanted, the word ‘mistake’ will be struck from the vocabulary of all reported cheaters. A mistake is not something you intentionally do more than once – let alone hundreds of times a day (= texting with AP nearly 24/7).

    • My ex thinks the same too. Nice guy just made a mistake.

      Let’s get a mediator or I’ll get a lawyer and we will have an amicable divorce. I laughed in his face and said lawyer up because I already have my lawyer. I said u really think we will have an amicable divorce after you betrayed me and our family. You are a known lier, cheat, manipulator, gaslighter, selfish, entitled person. I got rage channel and it felt so good.

      I’m happy he set me free.

    • Yup, same same. After I talked to my mother-in-law about his on-going affair, she spoke to him, and he told her ‘Don’t worry! I have no intention of leaving Karen and the kids!’. She was the one to inform him that if he didn’t stop, I would be the one leaving.

      After I FINALLY kicked him out following Affair #2, 6 years later (Chumps, do not be me!), he happily left, spent most of his time in Shmoopie-ville, and less and less time w/our kids; within months he was down to 36 hs, twice a month, in our default 50-50 jurisdiction.. Finally they got fed up and stopped seeing him. He was ASTOUNDED! He even admitted to them that he thought he’d always be there papa, no matter what!

      Either stupid or delusional. And he’s a smart guy, so clearly the entitlement creates stupidty.

  • She said she had hoped one day (once relationship with OM had dwindled) our daughter would answer the door and shout “Mum, dad is here to take you on your date”.

    • What?!! Gross. I can’t believe she drug your daughter into her twisted fantasy. That’s an added level of manipulation used so selfishly because you’re probably a caring, involved dad. I hate it when they involve the kids and use them as weapons. I’m sorry…

  • How about, “Divorce is no big deal – everyone does it” or “I can’t be bothered to work on our marriage” or perhaps even, “We can go for a drink next week – divorce isn’t necessarily a fuck you. That’s just how you’re taking it” or “You’re only saying cheating is bad because I’m a woman – if it was a man you’d be ok with it”.
    Actually – how about it’s shitty behaviour whether it’s a man or a woman and you’re just trying to make yourself feel better about what you have done…..

    • “My therapist says Hundreds of years ago this was considered normal behavior”

      Ummm. Cheating with hookers and being blackmailed by A transgender prostitute was never normal.

      “My low self esteem made me do this”

      “It’s seems that since I’m so bad that I did you a favor”

      And today’s his bday. Glad I am remembering how much he sucked.

    • My X says this, and my kids have said it to me…
      “ it’s not a big deal to lie. Everyone does it.”
      Every time I firmly correct the notion…
      “No, not everyone lies. It’s really not that hard to be honest.”
      It’s so sad how their delusion and entitlement rubs into their kids. In a way, I’m hoping his new life blows up sooner than later- maybe my kids will see it’s not the way to live your life. Right now, he’s still shiny to them.

  • “I can see in 20-30 years time when retired youd be coming round to clean the guttering like her bloke does next door”

    “A friend got with her bloke again after 10 years, it’s better than before and they are at it like rabbits”

    • My ex used to say stuff like this: stories about all kinds of people who were divorced for all kinds of terrible reasons getting back together years later, and “it being better than ever.” He’d send me weekly emails pleading with me to go to Marriage Intensives — week long church camp for cheaters and their spouses — to try to make this happen for us, but I refused. The first time he asked, I actually considered it for a week before answering because (according to him) I was “throwing away a seventeen-year marriage” by not taking him back. When I finally politely declined, and gave my many reasons why: his lying, cheating, gambling, physical/mental/emotional/verbal abuse of me and his children, etc., he blamed all of “our problems” on our 15yo son. That was a HUGE eye opener for me, and I never entertained the thought or had the conversation ever again. Now, we’re very close to no contact (only what’s necessary, only about kids, and only through OFW), and he’s very publicly rotating through women, so I’m out of his line of sight. Thank goodness!

      I hope you can get and stay far, far, far away. You deserve better.

  • And previously when (now quite clearly it was cheating) caught and trying to lie way out, “ Well you have two choices – believe me or not.”

        • Mine proclaimed that he “already apologized once” and there was nothing more he could do so I needed to stop being it up.

          It’s worth noting that said apology was a half assed apology for the things I could actually prove, which he would lie about until said proof was produced.

  • Stupid Shit Cheaters Say
    Sub-category: Cake-speak
    Sub-sub category: hoovering.
    Strategy: Noble sad sausage.

    My then-stbx wrote the following to me during divorce proceedings:

    “If you’re like me, every step we’ve taken in the past couple of weeks has been a body blow. In fact, the one person I think really understands how much it hurts to disentangle a 40-year relationship is the one person I can’t talk to about it, namely you. I just want to say, ‘hang in there.’ We’ll get through this.”

    “I’ve spent a lot of time hoping we could have some kind of friendship again when we’re past the hard part.”

    • Adelante, this is priceless, and exactly the sort of thing my STBX cheater said to me. ‘I hope we can meet to talk about the finances, and socially as well’. This was seconds before I relayed the contents of one of the cheating emails to him, to get the repeated response, ‘did she’, ‘did I’, ‘did she’, ‘did I’, while I’m standing there thinking ‘you are a total idiot’. My thoughts were more expletive than that but too polite to repeat the expletives here.

      It may be that our exes are in the same or similar professions, one where they use words like ‘namely’ and ‘aforesaid’ (oh yes indeed) very often.

      • We’re both lit profs. And yes, he used language (as well as the silent treatment) to try to establish his superiority and bludgeon me into acceptance. One of his favorite locutions was “I defy you to…”

        • Dealing with the word-smithing cheater isn’t where my coffee mug with Shakespearean insults comes in handy.

    • Best lines from my STBX:
      “Under different circumstances, I think you would really like her.”
      “She’s a really good person.”
      “I think we should divorce, get a clean slate and start over” This was halfway through my dream trip in Italy, the day after my 50th birthday. We still had 7 days to go. For my 49th birthday, he was in Costa Rica for 8 days with his girlfriend getting a Thai Yoga massage certification.
      My favorite is the subject line of an email “My apology to my best friend of 32 years…” in which he did not apologize for anything, except to say that he didn’t like the fact that I was going “gray rock” on him and he wanted us to be friends and not “bitter exes that couldn’t communicate.” I was always going to be his best friend. I gave up cake for 2020!

      • I had that! ‘She’s actually a really nice person’. ‘I’m not leaving you because I have been having sec behind your back for six months with another woman-i have been unhappy for years and wanted to leave but the children were too young'(better now our five children aged 6-13 were that bit older-so considerate).’you’ll understand true love when you experience it’-i thought this man I spent 19 years of my life with was true love-even heard it off him a handful of times. Guess I’ll really know when I find it. Darn

        • Plus I shouldn’t forget’there is no reason why we can’t communicate if it is done in a respectful manner’-awful me being a cross pissed off woman who didn’t touch a hair on his greasy balding smug head. I’ve enough of being lectured by a lying, thieving, cheating excuse of a man

          • Damn straight. When x showed up in my father’s garage, after going out of his way to drop our adult son off at home (you know one of the kids he walked out on and wouldn’t support in college) and this just before our daughter’s big wedding (because…image management), I saw red. First, because my Dad has absolutely no respect for what went down and second, his long-standing inability to draw healthy boundaries (or maybe he just doesn’t give a fuck) and then because dipshit was acting like it was homecoming week, I marched in and told him, “You are NOT welcome here.” If there’s one thing I can see in all that mess he left behind, after he willfully blew everything up, it’s that two year old HIV test I discovered in his desk drawer. When confronted with that his response was, “No worries.”🤦🏽‍♀️ A couple other winning lines, “Everything about my life is good except for you,” yet “You were my first love…” and “You always seem so competent and happy when I’m gone” hmmmm, that’s how it works with a cheater. No gaslighting then either! Also “It would be so much cheaper (to send the kids to college) if we divorced” and said, innocently, a few months before Dday, “I wish I could marry a rich woman and still have you.” Little red flags along the way….

            • When confronted with the two-year-old HIV test, his response was, “No worries.”

              Made me laugh out loud. Thanks!

        • Yep. The kids were too young, we’ve been unhappy for a long time (guess he just forgot to tell me how unhappy he was). The best part was 5 days after d-day discard of me, he tells me “I hope you find someone too.” Yeah dumbass, 5 days prior I thought you were my someone.

      • “…I think you would really like her.”

        “She’s a really good person.”

        Omg, I got the same! Adulterers are delusional.

        • Same here .”She’s amazing. but I choose you.”

          “What does it matter if one little tiny piece of her vagina touches one little tiny piece of my penis?”

          “You are my primary [in this involuntary polyamorous situation]”, stated in a way that implied that I should feel proud.

          “I won’t accept any consequence that feels like a punishment because I haven’t done anything wrong.”

          “I just don’t get jealous. I wish you were more like me.”

          “So, I suppose you want me to kick her to the curb.”

          “You want me to apologize to you? Do you want me to mean it? In that case, I’m not sure I can do that.”

          • “What does it matter if one little tiny piece of her vagina touches one little tiny piece of my penis?”

            OMG… the chutzpah to be able to say that ….

      • Funny how they believe this:”I never really loved you/We are better off as friends shit.”
        Ok, we get it…you want to emotionally destroy us even further…
        So, basically you’re admitting you’re a liar, right? A really filthy liar? Because you told me all the time you love me….

        • Oh this is the honest truth right here. They got caught in the lie, but funny thing is, it’s not the Cheating lie thats in the surface.

          The lie is that they ever loved us in the first place. Because they just told us they don’t! Now you’re an admitted liar! Yep you’re a liar. Can’t deny that one now.

    • Pass the sick bucket. You are right with the categories and sub-categories though. Spot on 🙂

  • “See, I can COMPARTMENTALIZE. When I’m out with (Dick Of The Day), i’s all about me and being in the moment. When I’m home with you and the girls, it’s all about you and the girls. I can manage both, and one has nothing to do with the other.” (this, while constantly checking her phone, locking herself in the bedroom to ‘listen to my music,’ falsely fingering me for domestic assult . . .)

    • If I had a dollar for every time my stbx said “compartmentalize” then I could never worry about money again. He said that his ability to compartmentalize was what made him so successful at work, so that’s why it’s a great trait. The unfortunate side effect is that he was able to completely forget about his family while having an affair with a co-worker. Do they give out medals for Rationalization???

    • Yep, I got all that too, minus the domestic assault charges (that sucks extra-hard!). My STBX was also “compartmentalizing” constantly in the bathroom, and whenever I wasn’t around – even when the kids were! Now, I think that even STBX realizes how screwed-up that was. But I don’t care anymore – all her post-hoc realizations have been too little, too late.

    • UX, if ever there was a wiz because it’s your manipulative X. A cordial dinner with open communication going forward is just her never ending need for cake. No thank you is pretty cordial and communicative.

      My invite last year to thanksgiving was framed as an ‘all’ inclusive dinner by daughter stating, “Dad will talk to you.” No Thanks.

  • He said little things to me that I found odd at the time.
    1) If we ever get divorced we could still be friends.
    2) I hate liars. People who lie are the worst kind of person.
    3) Do you really love me? Are you sure you really love me.
    4) It was not an affair because we never had sex.
    5) I thought that you would not care if I went away with her.
    6) My lawyer said that we could get remarried and we would sign a prenup.
    7) My lawyer said it was not affair and the courts do not care if it was.
    8) My favorite. She was fun. She liked to play pool and drink and have fun.
    Gotta love the mind of a cheater.

  • Fuckwhit: I love you and don’t want to be without you but I’m going to do this other thing for a little while until it fizzles out. Afterwards, I’m going to you the life that you deserve.

    Chump: Ummm what?!?! Die. Just die.

    • “ I don’t not want you in my life!”

      So you cheated on me, I confronted you and the only thing you had to say was ‘its over’, but you still want to fit e into your life somehow…. plus that is a double negative…so wtf?!

      • LOL. This is what I got:

        him: Are you sure you don’t want to stay married while I explore my interests in polyamory and kink?

        me: Why would I want to do that?

        him: Because then I get all the things (stated with arms stretched wide and big grin on his face).

        me: And what to do I get out of all this?

        him: I don’t know (with a perplexed look on his face)

        me: Naah, I’m good.

    • Wow…is nothing they say original. I got that almost word for word. I just want to see her for a while but it won’t be forever.

  • “Fight with me, fight for our marriage!” Like we where in some stupid romantic movie and he wasn’t the one that just caused our marriage to fall apart.

    I don’t like romantic movies any more, especially ones that feature cheaters as the protagonists.

  • And . . just to let you all know that with some fuckwits, it NEVER. FUCKING. ENDS . . .

    KK set me this 2 weeks ago: “The girls, [Chlorine Special], and I would like to invite you to dinner. We think it would be good for us to have a nice, cordial, dinner during this time, and move toward more open communication as our girls transition to college. I hope you can accept.”

    Me, 3 days later: “No thank you”

    KK, 20 minutes later: “I understand if it would be a bit awkward, but the invitation stands. We would be happy to have you, when you are ready, and hopefully we can find a way to move past these last few years to make a new normal for our family.”

    • I nominate “a bit awkward” for Minimization of the Year Award – though there may be stiff competition this year. Talk about zero empathy for you, and very little respect for boundaries. That sucks.

    • I love how they re-characterize absolutely everything in the delusion that is their life. Here she annoints herself as the one who is already “ready” to “move past” this to a new normal. So transcendent and noble. She’s like a majestic eagle soaring above you, calling you to something higher.

      You should write back that you have no need to move on…you’re already at the new normal, and have been for most if not all of your life…

      “KK, I’m sorry if this sounds elitist, but I hope someday you’ll be ready or able to understand it. The height of human relational meaning, is where I have always been. There is no “new normal” form of it to move onto except by moving downward into lesser forms. Intergity and honesty and enduring meaning in all things interpersonal, and the maturity and character to uphold those values against all impulses of personal defect. In short, the relational norm where others only ever exist as ends in themselves. And beyond even this, the internal nature wherein one’s greatest reward is only experienced in the success of this arrangement, and only nightmarish defeat in the perversion of it. I’m there already. Some of us have been blessed to have been given and developed this spirit or developmental system or identity, or whatever one wants to call it, from our earliest years. It unfortunately does imply a standard and a clear-eyed honesty toward others who haven’t. One cannot knowingly participate in a lesser form of relationship masquerading as something higher without becoming an enabler or risking the decay of something better. But I will invite you to it and the invitation will stand until someday you’re ready to move past other ways of being to a new normal for yourself.”

      • Hahaha TKO.

        Fyi new chumps; that’s just great stuff you say to yourself, or write down in your own journal. Don’t send this kind of response though. That’s not grey rock. It would probably only make you feel good for a few minutes. Most likely, it would kick off an even longer word salad, messed up, reply of entitled superiority by your ex back at you.

        KK seems like she would be one to do that. You can’t get through to them no matter what you say or do. If you could, they wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. It took me years to finally realize & get this.

        • Dear God, please make me remind myself THIS every day. Makes No Difference. You’re talking to a wall. Our lives became a nightmare, he looks terrible. the money went down the drain, he doesn’t really care that much for “his soulmate” because still to this day never went public with her or moved in with her. Lawyer one, lawyer two, currently on lawyer three. We were the happiest couple I have ever met (or so I thought). Perfect life completely destroyed for what? Just because…”I’m the Master of My Domain”….”How dare you not support my happiness with another woman….divorce happens to everyone….kids are fine….you’re making a big deal out of it….”
          Nothing makes sense and I feel that people look at me like I’m crazy because…nothing makes sense…..tired of having to explain to lawyers that he wants nothing to do with me like I’m the plague but refuses to sign the divorce. Sigh…

    • I bet this leaves them feeling so superior. We extended and olive branch and she didn’t take it. I would be very surprised if the Poison Wasp (aka Honey Bee) doesn’t pull some shit like this down the line. For now it’s suits her to paint me as a horrible person.

      The only reason to go to that dinner would be to administer poison.

    • How other people’s stories remind us of things!

      [after being told by the kids that if he doesn’t tell me about OW2, they will]

      Dear Patsy, just letting you know that I and the Original Flame now known as The One Who Really Should Have Been you caught me on linked in with, are now in a relationship.
      Our family will continue, albeit in a different form.

      – How’s that working for you, Bud? You are now on OW4 and the kids really despair on how to deal with your selfishness.

      Their capacity to destroy their families – emotionally its a bit like a murder. We are alive and breathing but killed nonetheless.

  • UX,

    Me thinks KK probably needs a place to fall back on during this pandemic. Divorce petitions have been soaring after quarantines.I forget what you call KK’s twu luv, but he probably is showing his true colors and her references are coming into play.

    And so are yours. Don’t go to dinner. Besides we are supposed to stay home.

    Keep safe at all levels,including against fuckwit-itis

  • Discard Day was almost 2 years ago- 4 days after I happened to have undergone a lumpectomy. His parting words were that he was just waiting for me to DIE. He was actually just waiting on Tinsel Tits’ divorce to be final after their 4-year f**kfest. Our divorce in February 2019. He apparently married Tinsel Tits at the end of 2019. When I asked him in early March to take our 6yo. son for an extra week after I had scheduled elective open heart surgery in April, he offered to stay at MY house to “help”, apparently forgetting he had just gotten married! There’s way more drama, but COVID-19 has caused the surgery to be postponed.
    Thank you, Chump Lady and Chump Nation for educating me and keeping me sane

    • That is horrible CSC…I hope all goes well when the surgery is done. Im horrified that you ever had to hear the words that he was waiting for you to die…that is cruel. Whether or not your XH is Catholic, Purgatory is still real, as is Hell.

    • CSC, what a black soul of a human he is. How awful for you to hear those words. I bet they replay over & over in your head. How could they not.

      Strangely, I wish my xh had said those words to me. Because then it wouldn’t be such so mind boggling. His words would ha e matched his actions. I know now that’s how he really felt. The closest he got to actually admitting what he thought was saying he didn’t want to live with someone with health problems for the rest of his life.

      As hurtful as those traumatizing words probably were to you, look at it this way. At least you know with out a doubt how black a soul he has. You won’t be like so many others of us here trying to figure out if they’re really awful or not. You won’t give taking him back even a thought. Him showing you via his words who he really is behind the mask may help you move on faster.

      • Mine said that he was most afraid in the world that I would get as sick again as I was before. Which was around the time he left me. Because me being so sick was so ”hard on everyone” – meaning him. I asked if he wasn’t more afraid of me dying, how would they do without me with our daughter? He said they’d do just fine. I spackled over this, but felt hurt as I’ve felt guilt over being ill. Recently I brought this up and he said they wouldn’t be fine without me at all, it would be terrible. But yeah, he said that after I took him back after he had left me for ho-ho after cheating on me for five years with her, because as I found out, he then regretted coming back and resented me for being in the way and thought about dumping me again and sweet talking ho-ho to take him back.

  • “If you really want to improve your marriage bring another woman in.”

    “If you weren’t so close minded you would see that our family would be better with everyone in their role if OW could live with us.”

    “Just think of her as my sex slave and you’re my queen.”

    • This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read!! So entitled! How did you stop yourself from punching him in the face?

    • **Gag!** Seriously!?! Of course, that’s effectively all cheaters want, including my lesbian STBX: a sex slave and a king/queen/appliance. We all get used, including the affair partners – injisr have zero sympathy for affair partners who know they’re being used, and are complicit in harm to unsuspecting spouses.

        • Actually, poor old Henry VIII was extremely romantic and absolutely hated disrespect of women and bawdy talk.

          He was hugely religious and always believed himself a Catholic, just not under the yoke of the Holy Roman Emperor. He knew religious law extremely well. There are books in the British Museum with Henry’s pencilled notes in it, showing how much he understood the dilemmas he was facing.

          He was just desperate for an heir to cement his line after years of horrible English civil war (which is also the same reason why it was vital for Elizabeth I NOT to get married and have a child).

          The Plantagenet families were breathing down his neck all throughout his reign.

          He feared that he had a curse (so many babies stillborn and dying) – it is thought that he had some sort of rhesus negative blood type which made only the first pregnancy to a woman, viable.

    • Oh I heard that sh*# all the time! You are my Queen..I never said anything bad about you.
      Puke
      Also, Mr not my king and married side chic had already planned that if they fell in love she would leave her husband and move in with us and I would help raise her daughters..you know, because I am such a good mom. Funny thing, they never included me in these conversations!

    • I got almost similar “ she could move in and we could be one happy family”.
      This was a woman 5 years older than me that was a drug addicted, smoker and Facebook prostitute.
      That’s what I wanted living with me and our children. Sadly my children were still forced to spent every other weekend with there father and this woman. Till she left him right at 2 years.

  • “Why can’t you love and accept me for who I am? Why are you trying to make me into somebody I’m not?”

    I told him variations on a theme of the following: “You didn’t tell me ‘who you were’, so I didn’t choose whether to marry you knowing the truth about who I was marrying.”

    and

    “I’m not trying to change you. I’m saying if this is who you really are, we don’t want the same things, so it doesn’t make any sense to stay together.”

    and

    “I don’t think this is ‘who you are’, I think it’s what you choose to do — but if it IS who you are, then it won’t change, and it’s not what I want for my life, so I don’t want to stay with you.”

    and

    “It isn’t my fault that you agreed to something you didn’t really want. That’s on you.”

    and, as you might expect, not a speck of it got through — because you can’t reason with a manipulative toxic narcissist’s any more than you can reason with a rubber hose. You’ve brought a basketball to a football game. It’s useless.

    The ONLY ready to that kind of total BS is to get away from it.

    • I think we might have had the same bullshitter of an ex! Mine didn’t disclose his porn addiction (or his decade-plus “hobby” of paying for sex. Or his over-sexualization of everyone, from my friends to their young-adult daughters), but when he finally did admit it (an intoxicant loosened his tongue) and I found him an addiction program, he somehow found a way to blame me after his relapse for objecting to who he really is. I was told:

      “I’m a cat; you want to make me into a dog. But I’m a cat, not a dog.”

      and

      “You’re judgmental. Your hand was firmly on my back pushing me into recovery when actually porn isn’t harmful. It’s a victimless thing. It’s not like murder. I didn’t tell you I’d resumed because you’re so judgmental.”

      Amazing, both that he said all these things (and much more), and that I tried so hard for so long to convince myself they could be my truths too.

      • Indeed, you could be right – and not just by how he acted, but because he’s been married an alarming number of times. (!!!)

        Ah, we are so much better off without them. ⭐

  • “You told me to get a girlfriend.”

    “You and XYZ told me about Tinder.”

    “You’re my best friend.”

    “I thought I could have the best of both worlds.”

    “I thought you’d be friends with her.”

    “I want to move out for a while by myself but I don’t want a divorce.” (?!!!)

    At the end of the day, I don’t want to live in a house of secrets and lies infested by cockroaches. Much like a crashing market exposes Ponzi schemes, If it weren’t for the cheating accomplice, who knows how long I would have been trapped living a lie.

  • “You’re the one I see in my future. You’re the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with”. Don’t worry about the two year affair I had with a coworker, where I was planning to leave you and planning a future with my affair partner. Now that I’ve been caught, it’s you I want to spend the rest of my life with. Idiot.

  • This happens all the time, it’s no big deal. Murder happens all the time too – not sure if we should categorize how serious things are based on frequency. Asshole!

    • I also got that one, although at an even stupider level; this happens all the time in movies and novels! So it’s not a big deal.

      A) if you think movies and novels are very similar to real life, you’re in more trouble than I realized
      B) how common things are doesn’t mean they’re not a big deal
      C) and whether or not it’s common or whether or not you consider it to be a big deal, it’s a big deal to me, and I’m out of here (which you already knew, ’cause I told you that clearly after Affair #1)
      D) it must be a pretty big deal; you were willing to risk your relationship with me, your time with your kids, your home and friends, all on screwing Shmoopie. You must figure it’s important, and worth it!

      (Of course later, when I wouldn’t take him back, he was all annoyed and saying things like ‘It wasn’t supposed to be a long-term relationship!’ and ‘now I have to go to Shmoopie-ville just to get some sex!. Interesting that he didn’t realize that these statements, rather than encouraging me to consider ‘trying again’, as he was requesting, and making him sound like a sad sausage, just made him even MORE disgusting in my eyes!)

  • Yes UX World, I too have one that never stops hoovering, even though it’s been 3.5 yrs and I’m almost total no contact.

    I stupidly contacted him this week as I was very concerned about his lack of enforcement of social distancing with the teens when they are at his house.

    This week’s gem -“when the kids move out I’ll move back home” (um definitely not!)

    Teens have also been complaining that they know he cheats on Schmoopie. Also that Dad is very stressed (using the office staff phone directory as his “to do list” must be coming to bite him on the doodle!) How will he decide which staff to keep in the time of coronavirus? Will any of them blackmail him? So many variables !

    • “using the office staff phone directory as his “to do list” must be coming to bite him on the doodle!”

      Literally laughing out loud at this one!

  • I got a vasectomy three months before D-Day (four year affair with her boss…my kids were 5 yrs and 15 months old at the time).

    When she was discovered and I was trying to put all the pieces together in the midst of ‘trickle-truth’ and ongoing obfuscation and diversion, I asked,

    “Why would you let me do that [get a vasectomy] if you were having an affair?”

    Her response,

    “I just didn’t think you’d want any other family but ours.”

    Yup.

    • Wow! I had my vasectomy in 2012 and didn’t realize until 2018 why she was so pissed about it. She couldn’t let her fuckboys dump in her anymore.

    • My XW said if I didn’t get a vasectomy after the birth of my youngest she wouldn’t have sex with me. She said “you already have two kids”. But I learned years later that the oldest wasn’t mine and she was having an affair at the time.

      • Sorry to hear that brother. I found out when my oldest was 16 that I was most likely not his father. That only came about because my sons best friend told him we look nothing alike in front of me. So I asked her later that night in tears if it was true. She responded with “You already knew that was a possibility!” Of course I had no clue that she cheated before she got pregnant. The first time I caught her we were married for 9 months and our oldest was almost 2.

  • I got an aghast ‘But I never meant it to be permanent!’ after I filed for divorce. This was after he moved 800 miles away to be with her, got a removal van to load up with all his stuff, told me he had never loved me like he loved her etc etc.

    • Yea. Mine moved 3000 miles away and decked out a whole bachelor pad. During wreckonciliation he said “Im really proud that I never left you”. (?????!!!!!)

  • So many to list but one really sticks out. This was before I filed as she had no intentions to do so. She says “After we get divorced, we can remarry in 2 years.”
    Almost 2 years after I have filed she continues to drag it out by not turning her financials over to her lawyer. At least that’s what her lawyer said that she has not been fully cooperative. But of course the judge let it slide at the last “final” pre trial conference. And now yesterday my lawyer says April 27 trial date is off. I have this feeling it will go on for another year.

    • CT, I’m sorry she is dragging it out. Mine did the same. I’m sure he was hiding cash from his clients all the while. Of course, he accused me of hoarding money. Oy! They have to keep themselves in the equation no matter how. UGH centrality. Just GTFO already!

    • “I don’t love you, and I never will, again.
      This is all your fault, and the reason I treat you so cruelly and with such disdain, is that you are a terrible wife.
      Do not speak about divorce”

      Word. For. Word.

  • There are a few favorites. I’d found receipts for dinner at my favorite restaurant, another for a casino bar tab, a hotel, and breakfast the next morning. Phone records showed that he’d booked the hotel the DAY before. I asked him about the hotel and his response was, “What if I was drunk and couldn’t drive home?” Jaw dropped when I stated he booked it the night before.

  • When talking about how Schmoopie had become his best friend, but your partner is supposed to be your best friend:

    “She might fall in love with me, but I am not going to fall in love with her”.

    The worst of all this, I have come to realise, is that I will forever live knowing that his sheer arrogance was completely lost on me.

  • Another was when I gave him an ultimatum while he was living at my daughters. I’d given him until his birthday as the cutoff date of no return. I’d left a present for him. On his birthday he asked my daughter who had no idea about the ultimatum if perhaps he should invite me, she said no, knowing he was a cheater. The present, a sweatshirt with her town in the front. He had the sadz.

  • After not filing, not showing up for court twice, and never submitting doc until months after his attorney withdrew, he was court ordered to appear. After settling while living with her for a full nine months his parting words were, “I think about you ALL the time.”

  • Him: I’m so glad your on board with coparenting! We can go on family outings together now! It’ll be great!!!
    Me: No, no we won’t! Over my dead body! I’m afraid of you. I won’t spackle your lies!

    We were careful when we had sex. I don’t understand how you could have gotten that STD! (You had sex with someone else!! They had it. You have it to me!)

    Me: Some rando just called and wanted to know why your name and number was in his wife’s purse! He wanted to know why she had it.
    Him: ………….

    Me: I got a call from AP’s boyfriend. He played me her voicemail. It was you. Saying exactly the same thing you would say to me ON HER PHONE! (More yelling)
    Him: Well, what do you want me to do?

  • He said his harem was the result of a ‘mid life crisis’.

    Okay…….so, he must have been having a mid life crisis his ENTIRE LIFE because I know from his family that he began cheating when he had his very first girlfriend as a teen and maintained that behavior throughout his entire miserable life.

    As an aside, he’s been out of my life for about 8 years but I do keep an eye on his activities by way of checking his arrest record online–he’s had 2 DWI’s since. I have a very strong intuition and last week I just KNEW something has happened. This Monday, I discovered he’d been arrested for assault of the woman he’s apparently attached himself to. An emergency protective order was put in place immediately. Apparently she was severely injured and it also appears he may have threatened her with a gun during the assault. He won’t be arraigned for another month so it appears the law is taking their time on this to gather all information. He could go away for a LONG time. He’d been assaultive of me but nothing to this magnitude–and the idea of him having a gun is MIND BOGGLING. When I knew him, he’d never touched a gun.

    He was always ‘off’ but it appears he’s on another planet these days. I feel so sorry for the poor woman; I wish I could commiserate with her.

  • The EX was king of entitled cake-eating bullshit. Here are two of his gems:

    “Okay, I have decided what I want to do. Let’s get a divorce so that I can see other women. But let’s do it secretly. There’s no need for anyone at the church to know. And we can still live together and raise the kids and you can still do my laundry and so on just like normal. I don’t understand why you don’t like this plan. It benefits you too. It’s better for the kids to have both of us.”

    To my daughters without consulting me: “I am planning to go to California for Thanksgiving. But if you want, I’ll just come out there to your house instead and have Thanksgiving dinner with you and your mom.” (Ew… no, he won’t. Daughters didn’t want him there anyway.)

    • Yeah, Carol it’s it’s amazing to have this level of disordered optimism believing this is remotely an option. It’s one thing to lead a double life and another to openly enlist a partner in the con. What’s common is the image management keeping one foot in the door enjoying the secrecy.

      • I went out with my bff. First time in years because I would not leave unless my kids could drive and have a way out even though he had left years ago but he was still entitled to come and go as he pleased. I came home with him waiting outside. Now I know I shouldn’t have tried to rationalize what I was doing but went into the same ole mode. I said we we basically roommates and he said the only connection he had to the home was his clothes in the closet. I was there. The kids were there looking out the window. The pets were there. Etc.
        His clothes became his problem. Bam. He could take them off for someone else. His problem. He whined about that later. Not my problem.

    • Aaaaand …. CAROL FOR THE WIN!

      We really are just objects for them arnen’t we? A domestic function. No needs, no feelings, just ‘of use’.

      That realisation caused me so much pain. Just to face and accept that I meant nothing, my heart meant nothing.

      So glad to be at ‘meh’

      • OMG Carol! I agree that shit wins! Yes it’s so horrible when you realize you were just good at getting the whites whiter and you cook nice meals, and you make money and keep the kids happy and healthy. I’m so pissed off that I ever gave a shit about being a great wife. I sacrificed so much to support my stressed and busy husband while he was out fucking his way across town. I worked too! I was actually at home soaking his shirts. I was also a lingerie wearing hottie! We actually had a good sex life. Didn’t matter one damn bit. Fuckers. I cannot wait until MEH. I just honestly don’t know how to get there I feel so rejected. It’s brutal. They all suck.

  • After catching him cheating this last time. He came over one day to make sure I knew everything that was wrong with me. He brought up the fact that I told MY best friend about his not being able to perform in the bedroom for years. She’s a bit older than me and I thought she might have some advice. Then he said “Now, what woman will ever want me?” I said, “I wanted you!” He rolled his eyes and went “psfft” like why would he want me. Like I wasn’t even a woman.

  • Boss Hogg told me that his skank-work-wife was “Like a sister” to him.
    I had to ask when was the last time he bought a jackrabbit sex toy for either of his sisters.
    Then told him that if that’s how he thought sisters and brothers behave that he had no business being around our teenage daughter due to his grossly egregious judgment and I was considering legal action to codify his brilliant wisdom,

    • Too funny. I didn’t let my DD have friends over after he told me I couldn’t complete with a 20 yo. I was 47 and my DD 18. Gross on all levels. He was the only one that thought whatever the marriage was, was a competition.

  • Months after d day, years of cheating and many emails telling me he’d thought it through, he still loves me and we can make this work. We’ve done it before and we are meant to be together!! I found out there was another married schmoopie on the scene! He says ‘You always said I should talk to someone to sort my head out! Now I’ve found someone who works in mental health who is happy to talk to me!!’ Does her husband know? I ask. ‘No! We meet at the bus stop and go for a drive’!!!!

  • “It’s been normalized” – about having both wife and mistress – this was during wreckonciliation

    “What do you think about an open marriage?” – after affair discovery, of course he only meant open on his side

    “We can all go on vacations together and do family time together” – and he added his mistress to the family ski pass account

    I hate that I still have to deal with this man because we have kids together – the entitlement is still mind blowing.

  • ”she’s just a friend.”

    ”she’s my best friend, but you’re my *wife*”

    He moved out because ”I need to be on my own for a bit”.

    When I discovered the rat faced whore was living with him in the flat he was supposedly ”getting ready for us”

    ”This all for you and me, I know it looks bad, but you’re making it really hard !”

    ”She’s just my lodger, she pays half the rent !”

    ”she sleeps on the sofa !”

    I sent a furious text about his ‘living arrangements’ stating I was filing for a divorce;

    ”why won’t you believe me when I tell you there’s nothing going on ?” ( this after I’d caught him out in various lies about 20 times 🙂 )

    Plenty more, but that’s it for now, it’s all coming back ( almost 2 years since d day, divorced almost a year) and I am still so bloody *angry* !!

    The grief has gone, ( I absolutely trust that he sucks) but the rage remains whenever I think about it all, how duplicitous he was, and how *gullible* I was.

    Not at meh, because the rage is still there – does it ever go away ? 🙁

    • Oh yes, forgot this one, which made my solicitor laugh;

      “I don’t want a divorce, I’m going to come to Court and explain everything to the judge.”

      Fucking moron. I hope the fucker and his whore die of the virus. Which is more than likely, I’m quite sure neither of them are observing lock down, they’re both all” no-one is the boss of me. ” Fuckers.

  • A few gems that I got were: that I “was collateral damage”, that one of his APs (that he moved 200 miles away with, back to her parents house) was “an entitled millennial”. That “people kill over this sort of thing”, that “all I care about is money” when he’d conned me out of £18k, that he’d “always be there for his kids” – not seen them for over 3 years!
    Meh! Total meh! With a sprinkling of WTF salt!

    • Oh and that I’d “get on well with her (AP#1), you both like all the same things”. Well we both dumped his cheating ass and “entitled millenial” got stuck with him! Haha

    • They project SO MUCH! They want to still have us as Plan B, so they assume we want it too. They rip us off financially, so they assume we do the same to them. They think Shmoopie is lovely, so assume we would too.

      So when he says ‘people kill over this’, be EXTREMELY CAREFUL. He’s VERY angry at you for not conforming to his cake-eating fantasies, and projecting that onto you. At the least, he’s hoping you care enough about magical amazing him to become homicidal. Very sick puppy.

    • No-Way; always be there for kids yet hasn’t seen them in 3 yrs. HA! They’re usually so delusional about their own kids & their contribution.

      Following divorce, my xh said, “I know our kids just as much as you do.” Uh, ok. He couldn’t EVER remember their birthdays, how old they were, or what grade they were in. He didn’t bother to know who their friends were, doctors or dentist’s names, let alone when/if they had appointments. Simple things like their favorite colors, songs & tv shows they liked, etc were not even on his radar. But, he knew them as well as I did. Um ok sucky dad! Lol

  • I will never forget when fuckwit calmly, and patronizingly explained to me that he didn’t consider it cheating or breaking our wedding vows if he just thought of the other woman as a sex toy. That comment was followed by, “There’s no emotional connection”. When I finished picking my jaw up off the floor, I yelled “People aren’t objects!”

    Those comments were usually blended in with accusations that I lacked sexual sophistication, which was his way to inviting me to pick-me dance.

  • “I have finally found real happiness (with howorker) and if you and the kids really love me you will be happy for me” He said this on dday – a new years eve – why do they pick days that make it impossible to forget and mess them up for the entire family forever? He also declared the New Year “the year of his happiness” – he actually said “2013 is going to be the year of John’s happiness” to me (Name and year changed).

    • They DELIBERATELY pick days that are special in some way (to wreck) and/or memorable (so we will always connect that day to them), because they LOVE the drama, the more the better! They LOVE the idea that they can cause us so much upset – because that means they are SUPER important. And they LOVE the idea that we will think of them for years.

      Fucked up assholes, with egos the size of the grand canyon.

    • Chumperella,

      You have my sympathy. You deserve way better! My last partner, pseudo-friend of 30 years, who I had hoped to marry, on our first (dating) anniversary, took my out to lunch, on the way to the restaurant, he yelled at me, ‘I will NEVER marry you!’ 10 minutes later, he cooly asked me, ‘What do you think of that?’ I said that I didn’t know. A week later, he discarded me (for the first time), lamenting, ‘I miss being married!’ (His first wife had cheated on him with multiple men.) He and I reconciled four months later as I was a lonely, Kool Aid-drinking doormat. One year later, on second (dating anniversary), I made him a special dinner and gave him a card with sentimental message. His response, not ‘thank you,’ not ‘I love you,’ but ‘Has it been that long?’ A few months later, he was living with his young work subordinate who soon became his wife. I am angry at me for getting into and staying in toxic, harmful relationships. Now I can’t get into any relationships at all. (Last partner left a few years ago.) It would be great if I could convince myself that no romantic relationship is better than a bad one and quit yearning for a happy, healthy long-term romantic relationship but struggling to do so.

  • When we separated (he asked me to leave and take the kids too), the only place I had to go to was family- cross country.
    After a year of talking to him every day on the phone, and both traveling to see the other often, “trying to fix things”, I got this:

    “We need a fresh start. We should get a divorce, date and see what happens.”

    I said we didn’t need to go through the process and expense of all the legal stuff to date and get back together. We’re already in separate houses.

    Another year passed. He helped me buy a house where I was and again said we should take the divorce route. I was a mess and still held on to just fixing things and moving forward. I even suggested a vow renewal with all the frills. Until I started noticing dates he accidentally debited from the joint account. Then I got an new car insurance quote, which asked me if I wanted to include both my husband and this other woman on it. Not only had he moved (several times) without telling me, he had moved in with her- while telling me he loved me and didn’t know what would happen, but we could try and see.
    Then when I confronted him:

    “Oh, you think just because we’re living together that we’re sleeping together?”

    He got no remorse from me after that. I put mine and the kids needs first. I pushed the divorce through, and he fought every step of the way to get out of paying anything.

    Karma: child support laws changed while he was fighting and will end up costing him an additional $100,000 in child support over my children’s lives.

    • Our visits in his vicinity were at his mom’s house because “she had more room” so I never saw where he lived.

      Let me say this: if he’s putting blinders on you or you’re not sure of your health or safety or his honesty, it’s already over. It’s been over for a long time- to him.

      He kept me on that leash a long time til he could make sure he had a good hold on her first.
      It all took a long time because she wasn’t his first attempt. I found out another woman had kicked him out before this.

  • Oh, and I forgot the one from the day before he left me:

    “[Childhood best friend] said something that I think is quite right. He used to think that cheating was the worst thing you could do in a relationship, but now he thinks that you need to find out what caused it in the first place”.

    Seeing where this was headed, I promptly replied:

    “Tell [Childhood best friend] that what he needs to do is tell everyone the truth, stop lying to his girlfriends, and do whatever he wants in the open.”

    Next day my now ex-husband (who three weeks earlier had begged me crying to come back and fix things when I left him mostly over Schmoopie. Little did I know I was pick-me dancing) left me.

    So I guess that was my answer.

    I wish I had found this site the day I left him, and not three weeks later.

  • “Do you really think you’ll be happier if we’re divorced?”
    (My answer to that was “I think you underestimate how miserable I’ve been.“)

    “Just so you know… I don’t want to divorce. I think we should try a separation. Maybe my feelings will change.“
    (I took a nonconfrontational stance on this one because we were in financial negotiations. But my inner thinking was… I think I want to be with someone who can behave well even when he doesn’t *feel* like it.)

    “Can I have a hug?”
    (My answer, dripping with contempt and sarcasm: “Pffft… no. But do tell Jennifer, your affair partner, ‘Happy Valentine’s Day‘ from me.”)

    And of course: “I hope that we would always be friends.”
    My answer: “I would not be friends with someone who has done what you have done.”

  • Oh, there are so many… how to choose?!

    My favorites were:

    “She gives me porn star sex, but you are my wife and my best friend! I don’t want to lose you.”

    “Why didn’t you chase after me?” – this after he walked out on me with no warning and got an apartment saying he “needed time” alone to figure himself out, to find his happiness. With the classic, “We haven’t been happy in 2 years” comment. Funny, I had no idea that we were unhappy. Hmm.

    “Even if we get divorced, we will just get remarried later. I know I can still sweep you off your feet.”

    He’s still texting the I miss yous, I’m thinking of yous, I love yous, I screwed up, I hope you’re well, etc. and hounding my friends & family for info. All the while, he continues “dating” SparkleTwatOW (who is half his age, of course.) She thinks she won and they are going to live happily ever after, but the texts are proof that his behavior has not changed one bit. He is already looking for new supply and will forever be on the hunt. She can have him, no give backs!

    It’s been 7 months since the divorce was final and I have been no contact for 6-1/2 months. It’s truly the best gift I have ever given myself.

    Thank you CL and CN for all the great advice along this journey. I truly could not have gotten through this without all of you 🙂

  • I will never forget this…he said if I stayed married to him then our son and I could move back home to NZ (we were living in another country), but if I divorced him then he would fight in court to keep us in that country. I asked why…his response was “because then you would still be my bitch!”. This was my wake up call and that day I switched from legal separation to divorce and went no contact! I have never been happier!

      • Yes, we are…I have been divorced for 1 year this month. I got everything I wanted in the divorce except that. It was not worth the fight in the end since my son will be 18 next year. He has his own plans for returning as well, so it just made sense to finalize the divorce and accept the delay in moving back home. My son and I are returning home next year. Just around the corner…

  • I have no cake eating statements. He ate his cake as long as I was of use and then after he decided to make his exit, he was gone with no indication he ever wanted to come back or even keep me as a Plan B. There’d be some satisfaction in that, but I don’t even get that.

    I hope this pandemic is absolutely miserable for him and his twu wuv. I hope she hates his guts by the end of this. I don’t wish him dead because then she’d get mileage as a poor grieving widow. We don’t need that.

  • “I cheated because I knew you were going through a hard time, and I didn’t want to bother you with my sexual needs.”

    “Why would I tell you about the cheating if I didn’t want to work on the relationship?” Of course, it was a trickle truth, and when confronted on that: “I didn’t tell you everything because I didn’t want to hurt you more with the full truth.”

    And finally, because she plans to clean me out financially in the divorce “You certainly understood the financial consequences of a divorce when you made that decision.”

    • Wow, that is super abusive! You decide to divorce because she’s a cheating fuckwit, and you get punished financially for making that choice.

      She’s really angry that you’re not letting her eat cake anymore. Good.

      • Thanks for that validation. It’s the one thing I keep ruminating about and can’t seem to move past.

  • On talking about getting lawyered up and setting up our separation and finally the divorce.
    “I want to treat you with respect while going forward”
    Too late idiot, the horse has already left the barn with its mane and tail on fire.

  • Cheater says abt himself “I’m a bastard” – I say (unicorn fog)“ do you really think you’re a bastard?” He says “no!”
    The “friend” he’s breaking up our family for, has nothing to do with this – she doesn’t even know she’s involved! (they both left their spouses)
    He told me he missed the OW – it wasn’t the sex, just the person she is!

    But the best is from a friend. H dumped her and kids for OW – then later told my friend OW was sad and uncomfortable seeing family pics up when H and OW both went over to collect the kids for the twice yearly pretend vacation parenting

  • He said, “too bad we all don’t live in Utah”. Like having multiple wives was the way to fix it. Like I would be okay with it if it were “legal”. What a moron.

    • Luv your screen name Sisterwife-nope! It reminded me that once during that show I jokingly said something like, “I want a sister wife. She can do all the cleaning & cooking while I tend the kids.” Now xh got a visibly pleased look on his face and excitedly said, “Really? You would be willing to do that?” I was dumb founded by his reaction. I told him of course I wouldn’t. I was only joking. He actually slumped in his recliner and moped after I said that.

      Of course, I didn’t see that red flag waving right in my face at the time. I spackled instead telling myself that 2 women was every guys fantasy thing. He didn’t really want that. Little did I know he had been cheating for awhile already when he said that.

  • “In the Bible they had more than one wife, why not me?” (narc much?)

    “My friends keep telling me how much better they got along with their wives after they divorced”

    (soon after Dday when I was pick me dancing)
    “My goal is to make enough money to have a trophy wife”
    The epilogue to this sounds like a movie, but I lived it. He dropped dead, I married a man with 100x more money than Cheater and I am a trophy wife.

  • I can think of two:

    One against me. On telling me that she wanted a divorce, even though she adamantly denied having had an affair. “I did think about suggesting that we agree to an open marriage and that we see other people, but you are just not emotionally mature enough to make a relationship like that work.”

    One against the kids. Her way of dealing with the fact that the children are not quite as enamoured as she is with her boyfriend (yes, you guessed it, the man she still denies having an affair with). “It would be completely different if your father had a girlfriend; I bet you’d all love her. It is not fair. You not wanting to have anything to do with ***** is putting pressure on my relationship with him and may cause us to break up. I need you to like him”

    • Damn kids! How dare they put pressure on her adulterous relationship.
      Real Mother of the Year material there.
      Unbelievable!

      • My eldest daughter actually refers to her as “MotY” and gets very upset about her mother’s “image management” on FaceBook.

        Son (middle child) prefers the term “egg donor” or “I suppose that technically she is my mother, but …”

        Youngest daughter talks about having two mothers; the one she that she remembers from her early childhood (who she misses) and the one that she has now, who she really doesn’t like at all.

        I’m so very glad that the kids stayed with me when my Ex-wife left; she clearly thought that they were cramping her style.

        • Looking Forward, I can never wrap my head around what this does to our children. I believe x was redeemable right up to the point where he made the decision to cheat. He became a different man then. My three, girl, boy, girl, are all amazing young adults now who prioritize relationships, with me, each other, family, and friends. It is such a mindfuck though. Their very foundation was shook, we had everything when he blew us up. Their father quickly remarried his AP after our divorce (after a highly dramatic dissolution) yet “wants them to have a relationship with his wife.” Ten years out they refuse to play happy family. We all now have very healthy boundaries.

          • Setting – and keeping – boundaries is key to keeping balanced and dealing with the situation. Our kids were 18, 16 and 11 when my Ex-Wife blew our lives up. Eldest two are now young adults (23 and 21) and keep their mother at arms length.

            It is much harder for the youngest – only 16 – and I had to pay £4K+ last year for therapy for her to help her deal with the way that he mother still acts towards her, which has led to anxiety and OCD. The therapy really helped her; it taught her that it was OK to say “no” to her mother and then call out the subsequent manipulations.

            It’s been a long old road .. but the 4 of us are in a much better place – and doing so much better – than when Ex-Wife was a more significant part of our lives.

            • Looking Forward, Always the sane, present parent.😊I am glad to know your family are doing well. Mine were almost 21, 19, and 17. Tender adolescents…it’s a difficult and trying age, isn’t it? They are on the verge of growing up, becoming more independent, perhaps falling in love for the first time, learning to trust the world, yet they still need a solid foundation and parent’s support. My family were just recovering from trauma too, three years before he left. The youngest adored her father and missed out on many things then…. She too dealt with anxiety and later, in college, pursued counseling. I guess that is what angered me most, all those promises to our children and then poof! Who the fuck does that?!? Like most, I worked hard, not realizing he wasn’t quite who he appeared to be. You are correct though, we are much better now. The journey has only bound us tighter together.

    • What an utterly entitled narc she is! Ugh. Somehow I don’t think that’s what is meant by gender equality. Lol

  • When he relocated to his boat to ‘figure things out’, he said “nothing will change, except that I will be living on the boat.”

    When he found out I hired a PI to solidify what I suspected, he was SO ANGRY. He said he may not ever be able to forgive that I did that.

    A few weeks later when he found out I used part of our cash stash to pay for the PI, he was SO ANGRY. It was dishonest of me to do that!?!

  • Most of the time, my xh wouldn’t answer any of my questions about our marriage, the affairs & why he walked out. The few times he did though, all I got was mind boggling stupid shit. After a long while, I finally concluded that I was never going to get a real answer, understand, or get closure from him. I don’t think he even knows why he does things & hurts people. I know though. He’s a covert narc who’s a selfish asshole!

    He told me he didn’t want to live the rest of his life with someone with health problems (after I had to go on disability). A few weeks after he walked out to live with ow, I asked him where she worked (small town & I wanted to avoid her). He replied, “Oh, she can’t work because of health issues.” Uh, ok.

    • I guess my post wasn’t really an example of him wanting cake with me. It’s just one of the things fickwit said that other posts reminded me of.

      Another quote from xh that keeps running through my mind (again, not him wanting cake anymore with me) is, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before”. Said while smiling and giddy like a school girl. Guess he forgot he had said that exact same thing about me & to me 16 years before. No telling how many he used that line on.

      • Yea, mine said “I wont apologize for falling in love, Ive never been in love before” never mind me and 3 kids.

  • Mine told me that he was only sleeping with her because her uncle could get him a better job. So I should be grateful.

  • My X kept saying “I never thought I could every be this type of person (lier and a cheater). He had I guess thought he was the nice, kind boy next door role he played. He had cheated on me for 20 years. My response was you are that person (lier and a cheat) the guy I knew wasn’t who you were. To this day he still thinks he the fake him.

  • My entries keep getting wiped out this morning.
    Shortened version:

    Sorry that so many people are receiving underserved insult on top of injury.

    Classics I have heard:

    From my last partner: Walks hand in hand with me. Then tells me that he is discarding me. Half an hour later, says, ‘I love you.’ In shock, I smile. Next morning, he says, ‘You can hang around me but no lovey dovey.’ This from a middle aged executive.

    From my adulterous, abusive ex-husband: Falsely accuses me of committing crimes, fortunately easily disproven, tried to get full custody of our young children, financially decimates me. Three years and 20 hearings later, Court finally grants him the divorce he requested. That day, he says, ‘Now we can be friends.’

    Now my ex-husband is goi g to the shooting range and will, likely in a few days but a gun, purportedly to defend his family (his mother, who has recently been diagnosed with dementia, and our children) although the house he lives in, his mother’s house, is in an extremely safe middle-class neighborhood. The restraining order will not help us. It is because I was on a military rifle team (we kept guns in an armory, never at home) I am afraid. My elder child can’t wait to put a gun under his own bed. Oddly, my ex-husband used some of the money that was supposed to go into our children’s college fund for sex with prostitutes while he and I were married and refuses to help our kids at all with college, but he will likely buy our children guns as graduation gifts.

  • Oh, so many!

    When I found condoms in his traveling kit: I bought them to use with YOU!
    When he told me that the OW was out of his life when she was actually in the next room: “I told you that because I WISHED it was true!”
    When I found fur handcuffs in his car: “I only did S&M stuff with her. That’s not cheating.”
    And my personal favorite: “I had sex with her because you refused to have sex with me the night before your cancer surgery.”
    Quickly followed by, when our 10-year-old asked him why a used condom next to his bed while I was being treated for cancer: “Well, you know, sometimes I like to DO myself. And I use a condom, because it’s neater.”
    So much entitlement. So much chumpdom. What was I thinking?

    • OMG “I had sex with her because you refused to the night before you cancer surgery” ! !???

      How are people so cruel?

      • He’s not just cruel. He’s a sociopath. Never apologized for anything. Said it was all my fault, that I made him do it. And so I deserved it. His response to any complaint? “Who ever treated you better?” Some serious mindfuckery going on there,

  • So many…here are just a few, and this is AFTER our 28 year marriage ended…
    1. This is our “new normal” because I will always love you but I have addictions and need other relationships.
    2. I’m just like my mom, she had many relationships and is still in contact with the guy she abandoned me and my dad for, and can separate my love for you with my love for another person.
    3. The first affair ended but then I reconnected with an old high school girlfriend and we have a “monogamous” relationship but I love you and still feel married to you. You will always be my one and only Valentine.
    4. I didn’t really lie to you about it, I just didn’t tell you.
    5. You are morally rigid, there are people like me and my mom who think love isn’t meant to just be with one person forever.
    6. I didn’t really mean polyamory, I meant something else.

    CAKE MUCH? Get the theme here? Something to do with his MOTHER all the effing time. He has such blatant mommy issues. She is toxic. He is delusional. No contact really is the only way to go.

    • I forgot the BEST ONE, he just sent me a few days ago! It was an interview with…wait for it…yup, ESTHER PEREL!!! Even though we’re divorced, he won’t stop. He said, “I’m not trying to justify what I did, but she has some interesting things to say. Why can’t I come over and have a cup of tea and a cookie because we’ll always love each other no matter what?” I do not respond, just save all the texts and emails just in case. His time for self reflection was before he destroyed his marriage.

        • YES!!! He said he knew he left some of his belongings here because my house was safe (even tho the court told him 2 years ago to get all of his stuff and he refused), and wanted to come over at some point and get them and “have a cup of tea and maybe even a cookie because we’ll always love each other no matter what.” THATS A QUOTE. I have secured a storage unit for his shit and he will NEVER be allowed back here again. No tea, no cookies, no cake. He was living a double life, pretending that he was getting “help”, he had remorse and was making amends, but I found out the truth. He is now dead to me. I don’t know why I even had any faith in his lies, but no more.

        • I have thousands of weird emails. How about this one…”I can’t stop dreaming about you. About us. Last night I had a dream about (childhood horse) Star, and Star told me everything was going to be OK and I was going to come home and we were happy again.” I woke up sobbing…Or, “I had a dream you were modeling a new dress for me and twirling around with your beautiful smile.” I woke up sobbing…He does a lot of crying. And a lot of dreaming. A lot of cake, a lot of magical thinking, a lot of carrot dangling. There’s always rage/charm/pity. Classic narc/borderline. I’m not his mommy but he’s back living with her and her toxic ways. Hence the childhood sweetheart. He is recreating his teenage years. At the age of 60.

      • When I was trying to reconcile with my now ex-wife, I was an Amazon chump (which fortunately led me to CL’s book). I bought several books encouraging reconciliation, that I thought she and I could read together and work to repair our marriage. My ex would read nothing, admit nothing except that her schmoopie was “her best friend,” but “nothing happened,” even though they slept together numerous times. Eventually, she sent me a video of Esther Perel’s TED talk. It was nauseating. Esther Perel is to the cheater what Tracy Schorn is to the chump.

      • Send him back something from CL! Lmao Not really as, no contact is far better. Plus, he probably wouldn’t get it anyway & would somehow use it against you. Fun to think about doing though.😁

  • “I thought we could still be friends. Won’t you be like my mom and be there for me like she was for my dad, laying on his deathbed… she talked to him every day and drove hundreds of miles to be there for him when he died?
    You don’t want to be like that with me?”

    Uh NOPE.

    (His parents both cheated, but the funny thing is she divorced him for cheating on her while she was cheating on him.)

    • Funny, mine said the same exact thing about his mommy and all of her men, including his dad. The reality is that the common thread seems to be severe MOMMY issues. Always triangulating with his mom who he actually hates for abandoning him when he was 6 (and who was a total cheating whore). After 15 years of no contact with her which was the healthiest he had ever been, she hoovered him, got him back, and poof, that’s when our marriage exploded. He now lives with her in their childhood hometown and reconnected with high school girlfriend. If he could only see what a cliche his life is, he’d be so embarrassed, but he and his mommy have a very unhealthy relationship. Sick.

      • The mommy thing is very interesting. I mistakenly thought that because X was good to his mother, he would be good to his wife.
        He was overly attached to his mom. I later found out after we had already married……his mom protected him (to a point) against an abusive controlling father. So it was X and mommy against the bad daddy. He turned out to be just like his dad.
        Ladies, take heed! If your guy seems too close (freaky close) to his mother, it is a big red flag. Investigate the reasons why before continuing the relationship.

  • Reading these comments–

    In the early days I would have gladly baked the damned cake myself. I wanted ANY crumbs. ANY communication, ANY sense that he wanted me, loved me, missed me.

    Like many here who can’t relate to this post, I was totally ghosted, and the kids were pretty much, as well, bar the few hours a month he put in, seemingly for the sake of appearances?

    I’d never trade places with y’all, in retrospect. I can’t imagine the pain of being in limbo or strung along. MAJOR MAJOR kudos to those of you who got one whiff of the bullshit and filed. I don’t think I’d have had your strength–not right away. Yes, I was mighty, but I had no choice.

    Mercifully, he supplied no hopium. Ever. He didn’t want any of my cake.

    Thank God.

    • I like your attitude, Stephanie. I won the Olympics (Crumb-snatching and Pick Me Dancing events) many Olympic Games in a row—not something that brings me pride. Hope life gets better for you.

    • I remember very early on after he had said he wanted to divorce but before I knew of OW
      “If he is going to leave, I hope he cuts quickly with a sharp knife and just DOES it”
      but I kept clinging to hope and got 18 months of him living away and visiting (where we welcomed him with open arms) then 5 years of wreckonciliation

  • ME: “Why didn’t you just tell me you wanted to see other women?”
    HIM: “Because I knew you would leave me.”

    Does this take the “cake” or what?

    • Yep, sure does. Here’s another taking the cake moment… After he left for ow, I got the shock of my life after discovering all of the dating sites he had been on & messages on them (including gay sites).

      When I asked, “Why didn’t you tell me you were bisexual before we even got married?” I got the reply of, “Because I didn’t think you would have married me if you knew.”

      • RoseThorns,
        Before I got married, I calmly asked my future husband if had ever had a romantic/sexual relationship with a male. He said, ‘No.’ Years after we got married and months after my husband filed for divorce, my husband told me that he had multi-year gay affairs in his teens to his thirties, while single and married. I asked why he outright lied to me. His response, ‘I didn’t think that you would marry me.’ If he had told me the truth when I asked, I would not have felt it was a huge deal, especially as I thought back then that he loved me. The (chronic, 30+ years of) lying itself (about lots of things to lots of people in ways that destroyed them and others) was a much bigger deal.

  • Late to the party, but…

    I showed the meme that goes:
    A man makes his girlfriend jealous of others
    A gentleman makes others jealous of his girlfriend

    His defense was: “But that’s basically what I was doing, so everyone would think I’m the COOL BOSS and would envy you for having me”

    …after finding out he had created a harem-like environment at his workplace.


    I could remember feeling the screws coming loose in my head….

  • D-day unfolds on a vacation, a month after our 17th anniversary, while the kids are at their summer camps. We had just visited an old friend who had recently discovered her husband was cheating and my then husband had an odd reaction to her discovery which eventually led me to ask, “What’s going on here?” And I get,
    “I kind of thought after the kids graduated we would go out separate ways.”
    This is nothing like what I thought and we had made irreversible changes to my life only 2 years prior for the good of the family, as he had put it.
    I start crying, my head spinning, panicking and “but I love you” somehow comes out along with tons of self blame blah blah
    He sits in a chair and says seriously, as if pondering an unsolvable conundrum and says, slowly, “Oh, I thought you were unhappy, too. Now this changes things. This is new information.”
    At that point he claims there is no one else. Only when I find a text exchange two days later does the truth come out. Then I get,
    “I love her but I love you, too.”
    This goes on until I find my self under the emotional damage and kick him out.

  • Ex made me the best offer ever-NOT!

    He wanted to live in my basement because he “ would be here to help maintain the home.” And we could “spend time together” because he enjoys talking to me.

    BUT, he would be gone every weekend “to spend time with” his nasty Vajayjay.

    My response, “won’t it make you uncomfortable to hear my going at it with random guys upstairs?”

    IDIOT extradinare

  • “Maybe if we separate for a little while I can see what it’s like with other guys and then I can make my mind up”. I’ll make it up for you …… bubye

  • Right after he blindsided me with the fact that he was in love with another woman and didn’t love me….and I, actually had no idea he was cheating….. “I thought I could live in the basement, and you could live upstairs, and we could both date other people.”

    Me……Uhhh, no! On second thought, make that hell no! But you got it partially right, you are going to be living in the basement from here on out, asshole. Oh and you can do your own cooking, and laundry, and your own everything.

  • My cheating husband moved out to live 1000 miles away with his “soulmate,” after numerous second chances and pick-me dancing. Then he kept telling me he wanted to come back. Then after 2 years of living with the AP, with him stalling our divorce, he begins an affair with an old friend from high school on the opposite coast, while still living with his AP. When I discover he is trying to juggle all 3 of us, I tell him it’s over. He rushes back to our state and tells me he needs me (after a serious medical diagnosis) and what happened shouldn’t affect my promise to take care of him “in sickness and health.”

    Here is how he explains why he had to juggle all three of us but could finally choose me and avoid divorce: “Well Meg, I just couldn’t give up AP1 for you because it was like she was motor oil and you were soap and water. You can’t get motor oil off your hands with just soap and water. But! AP2 was like Wesson oil, and you can get motor oil (AP1) off your hands with wesson oil(Ap2)! So, you can get Wesson oil(AP2) off your hands with soap and water (Meg)!” Yes, in this crazy, example I got to be soap and water! I just said No, thanks, and it took this crazy excuse to convince me that I don’t want to compete for your love. Talk to my attorney!

    He was also known to say after being confronted about the affair: “I want to have my cake and eat it too and not get fat.” He weighed over 300 pounds at the time. Gee, cake has calories/consequences!

    • Oh my god Meg. I’m so sorry but that is absolutely hilarious!! There is such a strong theme of dehumanizing us Chumps. In your case down to soap and water. I’m sorry he did that but honestly you should just laugh in his face. You need to get a t shirt printed that says “I’m the soap” and wear it if you have to see him. Holy shit! That one “takes the cake” for me! And better to be a lovely smelling soap than dirty oil 😆🤣😂

      • It’s funny but it was actually helpful to hear something so crazy! You’re right that it’s the dehumanizing angle that is common to these cheaters. I’m grateful I escaped.

        • Omg Meg. Though it probably wasn’t so funny at the time, that’s one of the most hilarious, messed up twisted attempts at a mindfuck I’ve ever heard. Gold!

    • This is hilarious, haha! Soap and water!

      Cheaters really take the cake don’t they? Their whole stupid analogies can be such a mindfuck that I wondered if they even hear themselves as they say it out loud. Mine referred me to as an “old shoe that he will always come back to, not matter how many other nice shoes he’s slipped into”. Gee thanks.

  • On d-day he said well if we stay together now but split up in a couple of months we don’t have to tell anyone about the real reason why!! Should have seen it then but it took me another month to stop dancing!

  • ‘I never would have left you’ “I want to grow old with you” “ i hate howorker now’ “Im only human” “you didnt meet my needs’ ‘there was no hugging or kissng’ “there was only huggging and kissing” “you invaded my privacy” “I want to have female friends” dolefully to others “Onwards hates me now” “we can still be friends’

  • “But I was going to retire with you, not her!”

    Only because she wasn’t interested in ever living with that idiot. He wasn’t going to retire, anyway. Not with her still there.

    “But I was going to stop cheating when I retired! I promised to give her two years warning of my intention to retire so she could find somebody else.”

    UBT version; “Retiring would mean no more lunch and coffee breaks with schmoops, so I was going to delay it as long as possible. I simply HAD to have see her at least three times a day. You understand that, right? You get that even some ugly ratbag slut is infinitely preferable to YOU, don’t you, since you are completely worthless? Of course her crucial need for a two year warning to line up yet another sucker takes precedence over your trivial desire for a husband who gives a shit about you and doesn’t consider another woman his primary partner. You understand that, right?”

  • Here are my fuckwit’s gems. Written in order from pre to post DDay:

    Pre-DDay:

    “A lot of people have open marriages”

    “Oh, I bought that lube for you”

    “You have a bad memory. I told you I had to work late”

    “You’re so insecure. I’m just taking her out because she’s young and she wants me to mentor her”

    “You still look great for your age. What’s your secret?”

    DDay:

    “What I’m going to do is-be here at home for say, 3-4 days a week. Then I’ll go and have my sexual time with her, then I’ll come home and mow the lawn and do taxes and hang out with you guys for a bit (his wife and child). But I may need to be with her more than that, I’m not sure how it will work yet.”

    Post DDay

    “You need to be friendlier to me”

    “We agreed to keep lawyers out of it”

    “You’re trying to punish me”

    “This is all your fault. You have to live with this. You lost”

    The End

    • “You lost” heard that a lot —- I was not aware I was a contestant on The Bachelor, I thought I was in a marriage, asshole

    • ““What I’m going to do is-be here at home for say, 3-4 days a week. Then I’ll go and have my sexual time with her, then I’ll come home and mow the lawn and do taxes and hang out with you guys for a bit (his wife and child). But I may need to be with her more than that, I’m not sure how it will work yet.”

      Emily Brown has interesting things to say on this Split (within them)

      My IC also talked about my ex’s split. He said: Patsy, it doesn’t matter who he was married to, he would have cheated on them. His split is too great.

      Me: huh?

  • During my days on the marriage police force after D-Day #I_lost_count, I came across his PoF dating profile where Mr. Duplicity described himself as “a genuine, loyal, romantic soul looking for a LTR”. I promptly set up a dating profile and messaged him. He responded within minutes! Fast forward a week or so and I confront him with this in our couples counselling session. He immediately started ‘mansplaining’ how his dating profile was “like a resume on one of those job boards – y’know, just seeing what opportunities are out there”.

    A few months back I had a dream about him and in the dream he was working at McDonalds – a job he would have seen as beneath him. Mr. Duplicity was a reasonably snappy dresser but there he was wearing an ill-fitting, unflattering uniform, looking completely exhausted and, to boot, his hair was greying. I laughed hysterically thinking that McDonalds pulled his resume and he got the opportunity he was looking for.

    It’s been 2.5 years since final D-Day and complete no contact. And, I still hope he dies in a grease fire.

    ~Typhoon

  • “I’d like to have an easy going, platonic relationship with both you and the Tasmanian Devil. Is that too much to ask?”

    Geez, it helps to remind ourselves of the utter nonsense they say.

  • Oh, and another one, I’d totally forgotten this.

    “I’d like to have a big house with lots of bedrooms, so all of my favourite women could live there, and I could have my choice of who to spend time with/make love to. But you would always be my favourite.”

    Nauseating narcissistic entitled wanker.

  • “I know I fucked up but you need to acknowledge your part in this”

    I acknowledge that I fucked up choosing a life partner!

  • Repeatedly and unabashedly said, “I want it all.” (Speaking of me, our kids, and his two mistresses.)
    Admitted he’d love to be a polygamist.

  • My x said – “You need to find another guy.” Immediately followed by “how do you think I’m going to feel when I come over to see you and you have another guy in the house?!Another guy in MY house!?”

    Uhhh kinda like I felt when you lied and cheated on me, and I saw it all on Instagram, except I’ll feel much WORSE, asshole. And the fucking house is not yours, it’s mine!!! Mwaaaaa. Hahaha

    • Ha ha, when my ex agreed to a payout as part of our settlement on our house he commented that it was ironic that he was going to “give” me money for a divorce he didn’t want.

      Umm…..no asshole….you’re paying me my part of the equity that you were only able to build up because I made twice as much as you and paid for everything….the mortgage was the only thing you had to worry about. It had been years since he even paid for a dinner.

      Then he suggested that he needed sex in order to write a check, after which he pretended to be joking. That’s what phony passive aggressive assholes do.

      Of course the fact that he can’t keep it up did make it kind of pathetically funny.

      • Kim, the passive aggressiveness is so blatant. Almost six years from Dday and I get this tidbit from my daughter who divorced her cheating husband who was a carbon copy of her passive aggressive father.

        At least he gave you your pension.
        I called bullshit on that statement. I earned my pension. Poor sad sausage was making six figures and had nothing to show for himself due to the priority of leading a double life. That’s the truth.

        They live in the immediate moment. At 57 he wanted easy/sleazy. Heading toward retirement six years later he’s faced with little SS because he claimed zero income for so many years being self employed.On the other hand I’ve used these six years to prepare for mine, ramping up earnings and putting money away and preparing.

        Boon docking doesn’t look so hot at 64. Asshole booked a vacation weeks after Dday, didn’t file and now look who is crying. Well deserved consequences.

        • My ex asshole is 64 too!

          I’m 20 years younger and that still wasn’t enough. His whore can take care of him when his diapers need changed.

  • “I’ve been looking for someone else since you were pregnant, but I would look shitty to divorce a pregnant woman.” (5years later)
    “ I am involved with her and trying to make decision about my life.” ( Me I get a decision too! Filing for divorce)
    “I fucking love you” ( After I am hiding because he’s threatened me)
    “She can move in and we can be one happy family”🤢
    “ The kids aren’t going to be affected by all this” (No Words)
    “Someday we will be friends and invest in a condo on the beach together” (Hell would freeze first)😂
    To my parents” All you care about is your daughters broken heart”. Followed by “ You can keep paying the water bill” ( Him and whore are living in marital home one week after I am hiding from threats)
    The stupidest things come out of these cheater freaks. They have no rational thought.

    After divorce finalized he said “I win”. (3 months later he wants to renegotiate the settlement.)

    3 years later he now thinks he can renegotiate custody in mediation. ( I think I want a Judge to see 3 years of his verbal abuse to me on a court server, mediation never happening, take me to court.)

    Stay safe and well to all the survivors of these people.

  • After leaving me when I spent years and years taking care alone of my sons while he climbed the corporate ladder. Corporate Whoresporate….he told me I didn’t support him and resent his career. Flash forward a year later, me still in shambles, him simply acting like 25 years meant nothing, like I was someone he met on Tinder and happened to go through IVF to have our children, found out he was cheating while blaming me for not supporting him. So, basically, not only I was supporting his career but I was also supporting his affair with the woman. A week after I found out….he still has the nerve to tell me I didn’t support him, I’m like :”You said you were traveling for work and you were cheating on me!”
    His answer:”But you didn’t know at the time”
    Welcome to hell.

  • After D-day, he decided he finally would go to Marriage Counseling. When I asked at the first session, what the goal of the counseling would be, he replied, “Well, we can reconcile, as long as you know that OW will always be in the picture.” The counselor asked if he wanted both of us. His answer was “well, not in a polygamous kind of way.” So basically, he wanted the housekeeper, nanny, chauffeur, etc…. in me, and lover in her. That was my last MC session.
    He told me on D-Day that we could all be friends, and spend holidays together. I told him he was living in a fantasy world.
    OW told my daughter, “I’m not a bad person, I just did a bad thing”

    • “If doing bad things does not make one a bad person, then what does, getting a PhD in evil fuckery?!”

      Sorry I can’t remember who originally wrote/posted this, but I remember reading it and it stuck with me.

    • “His answer was “well, not in a polygamous kind of way.” So basically, he wanted the housekeeper, nanny, chauffeur, etc…. in me, and lover in her. ”

      Yup, that split again.

      I was so humiliated and hurt that I just had Use as a domestic appliance.

  • After he was served with divorce papers at work, he emailed me to ask me if I knew how humiliating that was.
    I replied, “not half as humiliating as it was for me to find out that you were in love with another woman.”
    He shut up

  • When I confronted him about the OW he said “You don’t understand, I’m not leaving you”. I replied that he didn’t understand, he either cut contact and came to counselling or we couldn’t be married. He thought about it for a half second and said “Fine. I’ll move out. I’m not turning my back on my friends.”

    Garbage took itself out.

    • Ugh. The huffy loyalty to supposed Great Friends they hardly know, while betraying a spouse of decades and devastating their own children. I got that too, over my cheater’s stupid World of Warcraft “guild,” which supplied APs and affair cheerleaders, many she’d never even met IRL It’s not noble to take a path because it gets you clandestine fucking and unearned attention.

  • Cheater ex-wife said in couples counseling: “I’m here to try to save our marriage, but I can’t say for sure that what I have with [AP] is over.”

    I love to talk, but at that moment I truly had ZERO to say. Pretty sure you could hear both me and the counselor blink it her like characters in a cartoon: “BLINK! . . . BLINK-BLINK! . . . BLINK!

    • “Garbage took itself out.” Truth, Ann.
      🤣 Nomar, the visual…lol! Now, what to do about the tea I spit out…
      I love this site CL.

  • He left to be with the OW two years ago, he has always denied there was an affair, claiming that she was only ever just a friend who was a good listener. Recently he said,

    “Look I admit that what we did when I was still with you was wrong. But as for our relationship since I left, I don’t see that there is anything wrong with that. You just don’t know everything that’s happened.”

    Uhhh…you had an affair with this woman for about 20 months of our marriage before you left. That’s what happened.

  • “We just need to walk separate paths for now. I think some day we will find our way back to each other.“

    Separate paths? She wouldn’t stop having an affair in my face. I was still walking the same path—being a husband and father. Man, did she flip out when I divorced her and really did walk away on that separate path.

  • I am a little over two months past D-Day, and my STBX emailed me this morning, “it was a really hard thing to do, almost impossible with everything being shut down, but i have found a place to live; signed the lease yesterday. I love you and care about you, but i know that to find a place of my own..”. He doesnt know everything that i know because I never showed my hand; that after d-day, when he was packed and out the door about 10 min later, that i broke into his account and read all of his emails, saw that he started looking at condos within a week, and forwarded listings to HER. That I went back to phone records and saw their communication (i knew she was friendly aquaintence but he clearly had met her socially behind my back). Then after 7 weeks, as the COVID19 began to escalate he came home. We greeted each other as friends who loved and missed each other. Then a week later he left to do errands (the day before stay at home quarantine) and i broke into his ipad (our old address number) and finally there it was…FUCKING RIPPED MyHEART OUT. They had communicated thru FB messenger. “Where are you?”… he was out meeting her. And all of there ‘love’ and her stupid fucking cartoon slef throwing him kisses, and the nightly ‘tuckins’ and thier “anniversary date” of April 13th which is coming up (side note, last April 13th we were on vacation and he wouldnt have sex with me, so its been going on longer than a year), and him villainizing me to her (as if I EVER looked at him with expression of murder). Now for the CAKE talk. Here is a list of things that he has said in me in the past 4 months: “You are the best person I know. We are such great partners. You are one person i never want to disappoint. You have been my best friend for 20 years. “ And the classic – “I love you so much, but I’m not in love with you. “
    So is this a massive effort to keep cake? Or is this image control or just plain old mind fuckery?. I have settled on the fact that despite his words, his actions do not demonstrate real love.

    • ISeeYou, Ditch this dick; he is just linings up his ducks, or dick, more like. See Cheater Playbook. You need to protect yourself from here forward. (((Hugs)))

      • It’s all 3 = cake, image control & major mindfuckery right now. But Drew’s right, he’s probably stringing you along so he can line up his ducks before he bolts for ow. Now you know.

        To defend & protect yourself, do exactly what he’s doing by not letting on that you know. Call an attorney asap & start getting your ducks in a row as well. Print out everything you can. Make copies of all financial information. He wants to blindside you so you’re easier to take down (settlement in his favor). Don’t let him!

        • Thanks for reply Drew and Rose. ☺️
          I retained my highly recommended attorney a month ago and have all the financial records. I’m doing all the right things to protect myself, including emotionally, but it still doesn’t stop the pain and wish I could fast forward about 9-10 months

  • “Other than my cheating with sex workers and gambling, you have to admit, we had a great marriage. Why can’t you overlook a few flaws, you’re so black and white.”

    “I had to hire an escort for the cruise. It was 7 days and what if I wanted to have sex? I thought it would be better than trying to find someone on board the ship. I asked you first and you couldn’t go that week so you left me no choice. “

  • My college boyfriend had all these women he would hook up with and they would trade oral sex. When I caught him he said it was because I would not receive or perform oral sex. And that was true. There was a voice in my head that said don’t go there. I found out about his oral sex buddies because he had to go to the campus MD. He got an oral yeast infection and the campus MD ratted him out. Thank God, for the campus MD.

    My boyfriend confessed he had 5 oral sex buddies. (Thank God I insisted on condoms too!)

    He thought he was doing me a favor by telling me about his affair partners after the campus doctor told me. I broke up with him. He told me that I was NOT allowed to break up with him. Why? He said we were supposed to get married, have three kids, and summer at Disneyland. He told me that if we broke up, those poor kids couldn’t go to Disneyland and I was ruining the lives of those three children.

    (Note: said children had not been conceived and also I never said I wanted three kids and to spend summers at Disneyland).

    I finally had to get a restraining order because he was furious that I wouldn’t be his future wife while he continued to sew his wild oats. He continued to see the women and blamed his dad for his actions. His dad had allegedly told him to secure “wife material” and then f*** around with anyone hr could find. His dad said it was a male right of passage and I wasn’t following the script. He made me the problem. It took two restraining orders to get rid of him. His dad was a Vice President at General Motors and told his son he would ruin the family’s reputation.

    He was still on campus after that and we knew people in common. He had secured a new victim – a very cute girl who was studying elementary education- and he continued having Monday – Friday oral sex with the 5 other women.

    I don’t want to give cheaters ANY excuse. But there are times I wonder who the hell dropped them on their head when they were babies.

  • PS- Has anyone seen the memes about “Sheriff Woody” from Toy Story turning into a pervert. The memes depict Sheriff Woody taking naughty pictures or looking up someone’s skirt. I find these memes so hysterical that I have to take deep breaths after laughing so hard. Why? Because back in the 90’s when Toy Story came out I noticed that Sheriff Woody looked exactly like my ex. And I would think to myself that everyone’s favorite deputy was a pervert. So when those memes came out I was laughing so hard I was crying. One day I told this story to my oldest son who is of age and my son tells masturbation jokes all day. So, I showed him a photo of my ex and he too died laughing because my ex and Sheriff Woody actually do look identical. That day my son and I went searching for the funniest memes about Pervert Woody and we had a blast.

    Also, with a first name like “Woody” doesn’t that automatically make a man a pervert. Apparently, my ex suffered from a constant woody.

  • We split when the kids were zero and two because I felt that I didn’t want to be that role model to my kids of adapting to adultery and alcohol addiction.
    Ironic that when they were teens, he was keen to have them ‘wait until marriage’ for sex so they wouldn’t go to hell. By then he had found god, got baptized, married the church secretary and was proud of ‘waiting until marriage.’

  • “I wanted to apologize if I did something 3 weeks ago to upset you. I thought we had a chance until then, but then you just gave up and stopped trying to work on the marriage.”

    3 weeks prior – he had moved out and filed for divorce.

    I recorded the conversation, and he sounds completely insane in it. Now in Discovery, I’ve learned he also took slutface on a week trip during that time period. *sigh*

  • When I told her she had to cut off all contact with the OM, she woefully (pretended) to delete the guy. When she got caught calling him later, I got
    “I only deleted his contact the first time because you put a gun to my head.”
    (I did not LITERALLY do that, so we’re clear).
    “Umm, that was the condition of staying married to me. You could have chosen otherwise.”
    “What if I tell you I’m in love with him?”
    “Then you’ve made the decision, and there’s the door. Once again, it’s him or me.”

  • I wish I could just live here with you but have her in a room and visit you.

    I wish I could come home and eat dinner and tuck the kids in bed and then just go spend the night with her.

  • Also I was faithful our whole marriage up to this one time in spite of the fact that I had many many chances to cheat. I’m not like those other guys. (After cheating and lying for 3 years while I had cancer.)

  • Back story: My ex had an affair 25 years before the DDay 18 months ago…with the same woman only now they started over Facebook as she lived 1,000 miles away. The decided he was leaving me and our then 14 year old son in 24 hours. I was the only one who worked and supported us. When he did work he lied about what he made or had some business he was going to start and needed capital for. Many things became clear after he left.

    The last day he was here while loading the UHall (fourth trip no less) he says:

    EX: Back when I had the affair 25 years ago and we tried to work it out I didn’t want to stay. I was unhappy and wanted to leave.

    When I asked why he didn’t and why would he ever adopt a child with me his response was:

    EX: I got really sick, was afraid I was going to die and had nowhere to go.

    Yep I put up with his mental abuse, supported him, did everything for the family except mow the lawn…..what a stupid person I was. Total CHUMP.

  • “We got a little too close”
    That was his repeated description of the AP across the street and himself.
    Umm, no one believes you! Just stop it.
    (Full-blown affair, and some pretty kinky stuff going on) yeah, something got close 😂 and I’m not talking about having a chat, or borrowing garden tools.

  • Ok, are you ready…cause I got a boat load!

    “I still want you in my life”

    “I love you, but it’s got to be baby steps for me..we need to be friends first and see how things go”. (Uhm, no…we did that 40 years ago and have been married now for 32! I think that ship has sailed!)

    “But if things don’t work out with us then I’ve lost a really good friend!” ( This is probably the best…this was in response to the ultimatum I gave him as to if we were going to try to reconcile he would need to stop seeing her. Notice he did not mention anything about losing a REALLY GOOD WIFE!

    “None of this would have happened if you loved me. I’m only human, not perfect.” (No, none of this would have happened if YOU loved me! Well he got the not perfect part right, anyway!)

    “She’s a tomboy…just a friend. I just see her occasionally for a beer…it’s like going out with Richard (his only friend.) (Oh really, because I don’t recall you sleeping over at Richard’s before…and if she’s a friend why haven’t you had her over for dinner with us?)

    I could go on, but I guess that’s enough…..oh, wait…one more…
    “I’ll go to hell…you’ll go to heaven” (Yup fuckwit….you got another one right!!

  • “I only used prostitutes 10% of the time.” WTF??? These losers say anything that pops into their disordered heads. So glad I’m not stuck in quarantine with him.

  • Chump Lady,
    I have a special request. Do you remember when you exposed David Brooks the philanderer? I bought his book The Second Mountain so that I could see for myself.

    I posted a one star review on Amazon and it was posted as a verified purchase. I did NOT say ANYTHING offensive in my review. I did not swear and I did not use slang. I took a lot of time writing an eloquent and informative review. My review was published by Amazon and it remained there for many months. Today I was on Amazon looking at the number of people who read my reviews. I have hit over 50,000 people who have read my reviews.

    So, I was scrolling through my reviews and noticed something interesting. Amazon has hidden my book review because they claimed it did not meet the requirements for their sensitivity screening.

    This is the first time I have had one of my reviews blocked because it did not meet sensitivity guidelines by Amazon. In fact, I did not realize Amazon had sensitivity filters. This was news to me.

    Amazon is falsely inflating the reviews of David Brook’s book by taking down negative reviews. I knew I was walking a fine line and so I wrote a review using only g-rated language and I talked about his flawed ideas. Isn’t this what free speech is about? The idea that we can speak freely of our experience of a book? There were no racial slurs, no foul language, no criticism of groups. Nothing like that. I was simply writing what would pass as an academic review.

    Was anyone else aware of this sensitivity filter that Amazon has implemented?

    Don’t get me wrong, I do NOT support hate speech. And sensitivity filters should be used in reviews that promote hate speech.

    I thought Amazon was supposed to be unbiased in terms of product reviews, unless someone is being hateful or using foul language. My review is hidden because I gave his book a one star and pointed out all the incorrect abc disjointed thinking in his waste of a book.

    Seems my review got him so “butt hurt” that I was censored by a sensitivity filter. WTF?

    Chump Lady, thank you for being a person who allows us to speak our minds and discuss ideas about painful topics.

    Who would have guessed that Amazon would turn into a site that suppressed free speech. But, with Jeff Bezos’s actions maybe I should not be surprised. Jeff Bezos and David Brooks are two very unattractive bald men who use their money and/or prestige to get them in the public eye. Maybe Jeff and David have brunch together with their new ladies and everyone laughs over mimosas while the rest of the world is on the verge of collapse.

    Can you re-open the David Brooks files? His book is now a best seller due to all the censored reviews. I had no idea to what extent the system is being rigged in favor of the nasty people of this world.

    • Amazon was found to be suppressing negative reviews of a book written by the wife of a former president of the US. This happened a few years back. This isn’t new. They pick their narrative and shape to fit.

    • I had “if I were to win a cruise as a prize then I would probably invite you along”.

      As we have been together since I was 18 then I will still want to see you.

      I can totally see us back together at some point.

      If we get back together then I would like us to take a trip on a motorbike over the Alps.

      We can still do each other favours. If I had spare blankets I would give them to you.

      I just need to move out for a while as I have never had a room of my own. I had to share with my brother as a kid.

      • I love how these cheaters think that they can have “marriage holidays”. Such as, I’ll just go fuck around and do what I want, then come back to you for my actual life, filled with love, care, food, shelter, children and real life pleasures and sorrows. At times, what I wanted to tell my ex was…hey-I’d like to have sex with younger guys, spend money on drinks and nights out, do whatever the fuck I wanted, come home to a clean house with my laundry done and all the adult duties cared for. Hey! Good idea! But, I didn’t really want that. I wanted my husband of 25 years and our child and the wonderful life that I thought we’d built. Where are their actual priorities? I hope my ex is happy with his whorey submissive younger woman who wants him for his money and “security”. Little does she know I was the one providing the security so good luck to her too. Fuck them – one and all.

  • He wanted us to separate for three years, and that we would revisit our marriage after that time to see if it’s viable. I had a four month old baby with him when he proposed that and I was battling postpartum depression. And never mind that I wouldn’t be able to add to my family or would find it hard to start again three years later. It was incredibly selfish. It was only after I started hearing from others about this one particular woman that I realized what’s been going on…but by that time I had decided already that I’m done with this mental abuse and cake was never, ever going to be an option. Of course, the cake wasn’t just me and the fact that I was the shelter, the maid, the free sex. There was a newborn son to lose. And so he tried for a year to come back after I pulled the plug. And I made sure he got exactly what he wanted and stayed in one boat instead of being in two.

  • I am always amazed at how common things I thought were are unique are. Cheaters are so predictable. Mine thought he would get an apartment and date his girlfriend (22 years younger), but come over for dinner with me and the kids a few times a week “when he had time.” I was working full-time with kids at home and had not been out with a friend or been able to get to the gym in years. He had 2 gym memberships and had rearranged his schedule so he had 2 hour lunch breaks he used to take jujitsu classes (all concealed). He said he knew I would never keep him away from the kids and it would be “nice this way.” When I said hell no and eventually got a lawyer, filed, and had spent time documenting everything and fought hard he was ENRAGED. He always thought I was nice, but now he was seeing my true colors.
    Ummm… yeah moron. Nice and dumb are not the same. I was very nice as your wife. Now I protect my family FROM YOU.

    • Yes, the “you used to be so nice” speech. I got one of those. What happened to you? Let’s see you cheated on me repeatedly and now I’m really Godzilla angry. You killed nice girl.

  • My ex asshole is 64 too!

    I’m 20 years younger and that still wasn’t enough. His whore can take care of him when his diapers need changed.

  • Two notable douchebag moments:

    When I’m with her I’m mostly with her, but still thinking about you. When I’m with you I’m 100% with you.

    Sex with her is fun and energetic but I can’t finish because I’m thinking about you. I tell her it’s because of my medications, but it’s not.

    …. thanks for the compliments? Still chased him for 6 mos after this. Face palm

  • [Having kept OW2 (who overlapped with me and OW1) a secret for three years and being found out by the kids]

    “She said to me, ‘No one knows you like I do.’ But she doesn’t. You do. And I thought of you whilst she was saying it”

    [And why he took her on a trip that I had always wanted to go on]

    “When we were [on the trip] I thought of you and thought I should have done this with you”

    I WOULD have believed him two years earlier ….

    You know you have got to ‘meh’ …
    when that is so transparently stupid, it actually becomes as as cute as your three year old lying to you!

    • Patsy? Your last comment was absolutely beautiful and so true. In the end it all comes down to, “Do we really want to continue to live with a totally selfish moran.”

  • In talking to me about his OW, my cheater told me, “You should be grateful she is in my life. She gives me the female perspective on our marriage.”

    Both my wayward husband AND his affair partner were cheated on by previous partners. Do these people not remember how it felt? And the cake-speak they heard? They really do live in their own narcissist bubbles.

  • “I’d like to work it out with you, but I know you won’t accept my girlfriend”.

    Yes friends, he actually said that to me out loud. WTF?

  • This is what comes to mind
    Said to our daughter after he confessed to me about his prostitute hobby.
    Said he had been unfaithful but wasn’t in a relationship.

  • When I was in the throes of my last-ditch efforts of pick-me-dancing, he took me on a short trip to a neighbouring country, where he proceeded to mindfuck me into 1)take pity on him, 2)divorce him 3)allow him to be free to pursue what he “must”.

    The things he said during this trip:
    “We have been on this road together, for 16 years Myachump. I don’t want to leave you, but I must. I have to put you down, wrap up our relationship in the best way I can, and put it in a safe place, so that I can go out and venture out into the unknown, where it is dangerous. I can’t afford for “us” to get hurt, so that’s why I’m doing this. I’m merely packing and wrapping “us” up, safely, securely, so that I can go on my way.” (GAG.)
    “I love you like family. But not as a lover” (when he was still lying about them having sex)
    “What did I tell you about giving me time and space?!” (when he was texting the AP in front of me)

    One of the things he told me after D-Day #1, which should have raised red flags and I should have ran for the hills: “You’re like an old shoe. There’s lots of nice shoes out there, but people always go back to the comfortable, old shoe.”

    If anyone ever talks using metaphors in relationships 90% of the time, run, run away.

  • My ex wanted me to feel sorry for the OW, because she was leaving an abusive relationship. He just absolutely had to save her…..

    So, in “saving” her, he proceeded to psychologically abuse me by cheating, manipulating, gaslighting, and lying…but that shouldn’t matter, should it? *eyeroll* The delusions they make up are unbelievable.

  • “I was just talking to her until you got better.” (I was clinically depressed, not yet diagnosed. He took depression as a personal rejection of him and bitterly resented how withdrawn I was.) And his “just talking” was four years of an emotional affair.

  • >