At Chump Nation we’re a wee tad sensitive about Conscious Uncoupling. You know, the divorce narrative where you remain best friends forever (For The Children!) and share Thanksgivings together with all your partners, and go on Carnival cruises (when that was a thing), and form minor softball leagues and religious sister wives cults, and post it all smugly on social media, and bludgeon anyone with BITTER who dares to question the arrangement?
Yeah, that narrative. Well, anyway, it’s reached its apogee with Bruce Willis and Demi Moore and their children all quarantining together.
Like any good cult, they have snappy uniforms. Elf on the Shelf would like his PJs back, Demi.
I know we’re living in End Times, but pajama parties with your ex? Really? Give me the iron lung. I’d rather take my chances.
I’m sure you’ll all be shocked to learn that Bruce Willis is married. According to a newser round-up on this super special arrangement:
Willis is now, of course, married to Emma Heming, and they have two daughters together, ages 8 and 5. Heming has been commenting on many of the posts, including one comment the Mirror calls “cryptic” in which she wrote, “Family bonding at its finest, miss you guys,” inspiring many other commenters to presume she’s internally fuming over the situation. But other comments, including one on a video of Willis shaving his daughter’s head, seem heartfelt: “This is actually melting my heart,” she wrote on that one, and on one of the matching PJ pics, she wrote, per People, “Not many can pull that color off! Looking good squad.”
Oh Emma, you’ve got to sharpen that poison wit if you want to compete in the Fuckwit Thunderdome for fuckwit prizes. Not many can pull that color off? Hey Bruce, you look like someone pencil-sharpened a dildo.
And, speaking of cults, BRUCE, WHY ARE YOU SHAVING YOUR DAUGHTER’S HEAD? Is coronavirus transmitted by lice? Is this some kind of fealty test? What the hell is going on here?
Demi, you look like Morticia Addams was rescued from a sewer pipe. Young lady doing yoga stretch — Dad has already shaved the head of one sister, RUN AWAY! Young man holding chihuahua looking off camera like George Washington crossing the Delaware, I can sense your trepidation. Like, it’s cool to be dating some 90s has-beens’ daughter, but not at the price of your dignity. Son, this doesn’t end well. Ask the chihuahua, he’s terrified.
Emma, you didn’t write to me, but let me offer a Chump Lady 2×4. Exes don’t sequester together who aren’t, um, swapping DNA samples. Stop the pick-me dance. Lawyers are available by tele-conference now, I hear.