How do you deal with a fuckwit who won’t do the things necessary to separate from you?
On the very rare times I’ve seen my ex (child drop offs), he says under this breath, “we need to separate NOW!”, like he means business. So, I think to myself, “Yep, couldn’t agree more.”
So I try something….again! Like I wrote him a proposal of how I thought it should go. He waited 3 months to respond and when I prompted him, he said, “You’re just trying to punish me.”
My lawyer prompted him with a letter asking him to gather up his disclosure documents and he pushed back on her, saying he didn’t agree with the process. Trouble is, we do not know what other fucking process there is.
He won’t make the first strike, he won’t put his cards on the table. He just bitches that I’ve got the upper hand by living in the family home, I get more time with our child, I’m in the advantaged position, blah blah blah. Yeah, right!
My advantage was getting gaslit and cheated on and abused for 13 years. But, all I’m actually trying to do is negotiate a deal — he will get money out of the house as I plan to buy him out. He’s said that he wants to buy a house with his whorey little young thing of a cheating girlfriend who he left us for.
So why in the hell won’t he just play ball and get the fuck out of this last part of our dead marriage by separating the property, taking his money, and going to live with Schmoopie? He bitches endlessly about his apartment and how it impedes his relationship with his daughter.
Sigh….even my lawyer is stumped at his stonewalling when she knows he wants the money too. At times, I just ride it out and sit here in the family home, paying the mortgage myself and think it’s no big deal. Other times, I’m stressed to the max because I just want to move on and have NOTHING to deal with this serial cheating waste of space. What to do?
One Frustrated Chump
Quit trying to negotiate with him. Quit trying to understand him. Document your efforts to be reasonable and get this in front of a judge. (Remember, this is not legal advice. I’m not a lawyer, I’m a chump with a blog.) Freaks like this enjoy the power games.
Is it expensive to compel discovery and force him to cooperate with “the process” he doesn’t agree with? Yes. Put the cost of those legal bills in your new settlement agreement. Quit giving him a free ride for dragging his feet.
He’s not going to “make the first strike.” Let go of that and stop expecting him to agree to a reasonable settlement. I’m surprised your lawyer isn’t outlining your options here.
I’m not shocked your STBX is being a dick about this. It’s what they do — make great big messes and expect their chumps to clean it up. Clear out the closets, care for the children, file their own divorce papers. Don’t you know you’re a big buzz kill?
And when you call them out on this injustice — what are the three channels of mindfuckery, class? Rage, charm, self-pity — they’ll flip through those.
How DARE you demand he adhere to a process!
Hey, let’s be be friends. Friends don’t let friends sign settlement papers.
How could you DO this to me?! It’s so UNFAIR! You… with All The Things… me, alone, on my sad futon….
See how that works?
Pay attention to his behavior. He’s not divorcing you because he doesn’t want a divorce. He wants a continuation of CAKE. Triangulation between you and Schmoopie over the wonderfulness that is him.
What’s in it for him?
1.) A power trip. You have to go through him for Things and he can Deny you those things. Ask nicely. Beg prettier this time. Hmmmm… maybe. See how this is just a continuation of all the mindfuckery he’s been enjoying for 13 years? Withholding makes his dick swing. It’s how he feels powerful — at your expense.
2.) No consequences. Right now he can retain all his chips AND enjoy his affair. If he finalizes a divorce, he has to share. Shit is divvied up and it’s final. Make sure your credit is frozen and he can’t accrue any debt you’re on the hook for. There are sometimes nefarious financial reasons these freaks have for dragging things out. Why again are you paying the mortgage?
3.) Keeps Schmoops at bay. Would she like a commitment? (Cheaters often do, it’s baffling.) You’re a convenient obstacle to their happiness. Why, he would just make her an honest woman if it weren’t for his mean, mean wife who won’t let him get this divorce. Refer back to #1 — he enjoys the power trip. OW gets withholding too.
4.) You don’t get to move on. He has an affair partner, he’s holding up the divorce, but hey, don’t you dare date. This mess prevents you from having the emotional bandwidth for a relationship with anyone that isn’t him. His antagonism keeps him central.
So what’s the answer?
Put on your bitch boots. Get a court date and let the judge decide what you’re entitled to. It might be a lot more than what you’re settling for now.