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UBT: A Letter from the “Baby”

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babyfartDear Chump Lady,

I have one that I would LOVE to go through the Universal Bullshit Translator. As a chump I so want to believe he is truly sorry for what he has done, but his actions have not shown that, at least to me. While I still wait for Tuesday and that dreamed of place called Meh, this chump will continue putting one foot in front of the other. But I still don’t know how someone can just “throw away” their kids.  As a mom, we NEVER, no matter what their age is, want to see our kids hurting.

Background:
My husband of 36 years was caught having an affair with the 29-year-old fiancé of one of his employees. She also happened to be a classmate and friend of our daughter-in-law.

I discovered the affair about 4 p.m. in the afternoon and told him he had to tell our two adult children that night. When 9 p.m. rolled around I checked with our two kids if they had heard from their dad and was told no, I had them over and broke the news. TOTAL shock and devastation. They thought he was just the epitome of a good guy and a great dad. (I, like all chumps, was very good about putting him on a pedestal and doing everything, making him out to be the “best” to everyone.) They were very close and talked pretty much every day. Like me, they thought we had a very close and loving family. Anyway, that was 22 months ago — they have not heard a word from him since.

NOTHING. No birthday cards, no Merry Christmas,  NOT A WORD.

Now they didn’t want anything to do with him. Didn’t like what he had done or how he had done it. We live in a small town and he was a public figure, so it continually gets brought up to them to this day. Such a soap opera. Still, I was very hurt for them that he didn’t at least TRY to contact them, even if it was just a text message… ANYTHING. I have been no contact since the divorce was final three months after I discovered the affair.

The ex and the OW were married this summer and just had a new baby a few weeks ago. Yep, he is 58 and she is 30. Today in the mail both my boys received the following letter. I’d like to put in thru the UBT as I just cant figure out WHY he would reach out to them FOR THE FIRST TIME, this way?  Both the letter and the envelope were typed, no return address.

WTF?

I hope you’re not upset I sent this picture to you. And I hope someday I get to know both my brothers. I’m sure you know by now I was born on xxxxxx.
I know things aren’t good between you and our dad. I also know that he feels terrible about how things went and is so sorry he hurt so many people, especially you. I know he wanted to send you the very first pictures of me but was afraid it would only hurt you more. He says he understands why you feel the way you do and is so sorry for that. I know if someday your ever want to reach out to him, that would be ok but until then, he will continue to respect your feelings. I finally convinced him to send this just to let you know he thinks of you both everyday and hopes you’re going to be ok.

XXXXX

Had-it

Dear Had-it,

Wow. That baby can write bullshit at a few weeks old? She’s a bullshit prodigy! Must get such talent from her father.

The UBT is happy to oblige.

I hope you’re not upset I sent this picture to you.

I hope you’re not upset that I’ve been avoiding you for nearly two years. Been real busy erasing my past.

And I hope someday I get to know both my brothers.

Here’s a cute picture of an innocent baby. You wouldn’t reject a BABY would you? (Rejecting adult children is understandable. But babies still have that shiny, new-human smell!)

I’m sure you know by now I was born on xxxxxx.

Which you determined through your telepathic powers, Facebook stalking, or small town gossip.

I know things aren’t good between you and our dad. I also know that he feels terrible about how things went and is so sorry he hurt so many people, especially you.

Please accept my apologies with this anonymous letter that has no return address.

I know he wanted to send you the very first pictures of me but was afraid it would only hurt you more.

So with that consideration in mind — HERE I AM! Fuck your feelings — check out my NEW LIFE!

He says he understands why you feel the way you do and is so sorry for that.

He’s sorry you feel that way. #feeltheremorse #sosad #sausageweeps

I know if someday you ever want to reach out to him, that would be ok

But you’re going to have to work for it, kids. Guess my contact information. I’m thinking of a number between one and 13,567.

but until then, he will continue to respect your feelings.

Some call it “abandonment” — I call it “respect.”

I finally convinced him to send this

At two weeks old, I have awesome powers of persuasion. But it took a lot of convincing. His set point was “Why waste typewriter ribbon on grown children?” I’m like, “Dude! It’s been two years! What better way to convey your regrets than with my existence? I’m evidence of their obsolescence! And besides, everyone LOVES babies!” #nevertooyoungtotriangulate

just to let you know he thinks of you both everyday

And that’s what matters really, what’s in his head. I assure you, all his thoughts are noble, if rarely expressed. And the beautiful thing about thoughts is, you can’t prove them. Unlike actions, which you should never pay attention to. Hey, I THOUGHT OF YOU!

and hopes you’re going to be ok.

To be. In the future sense. Okay. Because I’m sure you’re just ripped to shreds and can’t go on without me, right? Twenty-two months and NO PICK ME DANCE? I can only guess it’s because of your utter devastation and inability to get up off the floor. Well, a cloying aria of self-pity and photo of your newborn half-sibling should goad you into responding. I await your reply. #pickmedance

XXXXX

Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss off.

***

This one ran previously. 

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • If I was feeling snarky I’d write back, “I suppose we’d better meet him. The kid will need some family members for emotional support when his POS dad abandons him in favor of the next ho and new potential family.”

    • I was so stunned by the Olympic gold medal level of manipulation that this letter is that it took 24 hours to get my jaw up off the floor.

      I don’t think I need to feel the slightest bit snarky to respond with a cease and desist order along the lines of your suggestion, Traffic Spiral.

      It does have tremendous value as written proof of what wingnut AH’s they both are.

      I feel sad for the baby and the children who were abandoned. 😪

  • I’d love to hear from Had-it!

    It hurt me for her that she wrote “As a chump I so want to believe he is truly sorry for what he has done“.

    I hope she’s not counting on that. It’s truly a no-win situation: if he apologizes it won’t make her feel better and, if he doesn’t, it won’t make her feel better. Trust he sucks and that the whole situation sucks then try to give that up to the universe.

    My adult children have minimal contact with the person they call Dad. Any contact is more than I would prefer but it isn’t within my control (believe me, I tried to get it to zero) so I try not to think about it.

    I’m sure this was mentioned the first time this ran, but PLEASE don’t assume mother are better or more devoted than fathers. Chump Nation proves that rotten cheaters come in all sexes!

    • Rebecca, I thought the same: I hope doesn’t waste a minute expecting remorse.

      The ONLY reason dickhead sent this baby-letter is to fuel back up pick-me dances and ego massages: how dare his adult children not respect and glorify him through his baby… Poor kid, so young and already being used.

      • And I’m not even sure dickhead sent it……I think this has “Howife” written all over it. Looking for legitimacy.

        • Bingo! The OW wrote it, probably without ex-dad’s knowledge.

          She’s feeling motherly now, and maybe a bit isolated and overwhelmed with the new baby, so she’s making an oblique plea for attention. (Is sad sausage ignoring her maybe? Restarting a family at his age sucks.)

          Who better to reach out to than the ex-family who surely will have some twinges of fondness for their new sibling? Just add some tear water and baby spit… instant family! Here’s a picture of what you’re missing!

          Sorry. Doesn’t work that way. The anonymous unsigned letter with no return address can be safely ignored. For all you know, it could be a random picture sent by a scam artist.

  • WTF! Entitled and pick me dance from the newborn baby directly aimed at the older half siblings? OW must need to have an extra supply of kibbles and cake for her AP.

      • Yes yes, a baby sure cramps your style in the going out and being young and free stakes and don’t know how old your children are but can probably see they could be of use.

        What a flaming cheek is what I’ve got to say to this. As usual best response is none. And as someone points out below. This is FILTH indeed.

    • The handiwork of the official winner now made an honest woman of…see this baby here…its your family…its my ticket to acceptance and respect.
      I hate it when people write things and project it on to kids, dogs, whatever.
      It’s cringe making at best and highly manipulative at worst.
      My guess is that a 58 yo man with a new baby is having a lot less fun these days.
      It’s all above board and legal now…plus baby mamma has leaky tits, no one gets any sleep let alone sex and a bit of drama and kibbles is needed to give the show a boost.
      That baby is innocent and is their half sibling but it didn’t write to your sons.
      The adult/adults did for reasons of their own. I would stay out of it.

  • Oh lordy. I know this is an old one, but I actually wonder whether the OW sent this with or without the POS cheater’s knowledge.

    • This was my thought exactly. I often underestimate the immense immaturity of 60-year-old cheaters but the insensitivity ‘creativity’ reeks of an OW to me. Either one of these dumb fucks obviously could have written this incomprehensible garbage.

    • I thought this too!!!!
      The OW in my scenario got off on thinking she “won” or “beat me”. She loved to “reach out” after my ex left me telling me if I ever wanted to have coffee and talk things through she would….for my kids.
      Ummmm??????? No.
      My adult children have not spoken to their dad since he and the OW unapologetically firebombed two families 5 years ago and now are planning their wedding. He sends texts on holidays or days he feels are holidays and they don’t even open the texts. We all try to guess who wrote the messages, him or her ( sometimes it just reads like nothing he would ever say) .
      There is nothing the OW gets off on more than letting anybody who knew us as a couple know that she hijacked my like and thinks she does it sooooooo much better than I ever could. Whatever….let me know how that works out.
      I’m sure my ex loves that she works so hard to be superior to me. #winning #dancemonkey
      It’s sad really, but she deserves it.
      It’ll be even sadder when the other woman in my scenario and the baby momma in this letter realize they are competing with someone who isn’t playing and now they are just stuck with a turd.
      Nothing worse than a mistress with a moral superiority complex.
      Sigh.

      • Yeah this crazy shit definitely came from the OW . Hence the typewritten cryptic nature of it.

        My guess is that now she has his child she’s either –
        A. seeing his complete abandonment of his older kids in a totally new light or B. harboring this “one big happy family” fantasy. Either way this is completely fucking psycho behavior. I’d laugh my ass off at this weird shit if I was OP.

      • So sad OW still needs you to show cheater how great she is……….Triangulation is such a huge part of the cheater couple dynamic and they need to cling to it for some reason, maybe the drama or maybe just conversation? If they don’t have the drama for focus they have nothing.

  • This is one where I really want to know if the bloom is off the rose, if the new baby is a cranky two year old and interfering with cheater’s golf game. Has the whore found his secret second phone and his secondary emergency backup side whore?

    I hope the writer of this particular letter lives on DGAF Lane in the Land of Meh. I hope those adult half siblings continue to reject the cheater and his whore’s baby. Just let their Dad suffer his new replacement family all on his own. Good luck being quarantined with that!

    I just know that the whore wrote that letter, it reeks of her. She is so noble, so loving, look at her healing abandonment and dysfunction using her little baby. My next Anonymous Letter Writer nominee would be whore baby’s grandma, who would be about the same age as whore’s new husband. You know the one she connived, and stole from his family and wife.

    Had It, I hope you are having the last laugh.

    • Disordered fucks. What the hell. Whether that letter came from pos cheaterpants or that cunt whore, using the innocence of a newborn baby to triangulate is loathsome and pathetic. SO disgusting and selfish on soooooo many levels.

    • Yes, I am just as interested in finding out the update. Not sure how long ago the letter was written but when men hit 60, they age fast. I don’t care how much they work out and botox or plastic surgery is not going to fix the drooping balls. Owife may be so over cheater by now. Cheater was a big wig in town that is what drew her to him (plus $$) but that wears off quickly.

  • This post finally helped me understand why I’ve always been SO uncomfortable with the ex’s new found parenting skills with his 2 new children and the constant demand for our daughter to form a solid bond with them.

    He hid the first pregnancy for 5 months but then as soon as that child was born our daughter was told that it was great she had a sister and how much that child would look up to her. Our daughter will only call them half-siblings and it drives them nuts. She’s been told that there is no such thing as half and family is family, etc
    Yet this new “family” rarely attends her soccer games and when they do they let a toddler girl run into the soccer field making it about them. He shows up at a swim meet and doesn’t tell anyone he was there until an hour after it is over.
    Most recently, he has suspended the custody schedule during covid and suddenly started daily texts to daughter. Something he has never done in 2 years. And he was surprised and sad that she doesn’t respond back. I received sad sausage messages saying that I don’t know how hard it is to be away from your child. From the man who doesn’t come to her school conferences and who refused to take her to swim practice on his Tuesday evenings.
    I had our daughter on Easter, which is his holiday. He wanted to drop off a basket, I said no. So he sent a picture of her basket…and the other kid’s baskets too…and the little girl dressed up in glasses from her basket. Our daughter commented on how it’s always them pushing the little girl on them but not the boy. They tell her that the little girl is always asking for her which I just don’t buy.
    Anyway, reading this post it finally clicked why all of this has bothered me so much. It’s triangulation and I don’t know why I didn’t figure that out sooner.

  • I know this is never pain olympics and I’m sorry for anybody that goes through this. Ladies, you need to know that the notion that “no women would want to see their children in pain…” is false. There are thousands of men who have watched their children’s mom do unspeakable things and have no consideration for the family or her kids. This isn’t a man/woman issue, it’s a human issue.

    • Amen to that! Becoming a Mother doesn’t always naturally make a female feel Motherly! Don’t forget, in nature sometimes the Mother eats her babies.

    • I live it daily watching my children get treated like second class by my ex wife. Her new schmoopie is the only first class in her eyes. He definitely not first class to anyone else, especially his first ex family.

      • Yes, I know a Lolita. She lo left her two boys for the anesthesiologist. He left his two kids and wife for Lolita. She was one of many. They are both now chasing other rabbits.

  • This seems to be another version of I Fail To Understand Your Hostility. Cheaters seriously have no insight, no empathy or understanding, no shame, ergo, no remorse for their heinous acts of betrayal and destruction. If enough time passes the people they’ve betrayed will Just Get Over It Already as though it never happened. Like all abusers, they turn it around on you, like the chump is the problem for being hurt by what the the cheater did. Yet another channel on Mindfuck TV.

    • Oh my word, Magically Chumplicious! I love 💗 your TV channel’s name! Where do I unsubscribe to Mindfuck TV??? 🤣🤣🤣

  • I don’t know if its from the ex or from the ow. Their using the baby to try to build bridges. Her getting pregnant is the pick me dance. Secretly he will pretend to be happy with the baby but I bet he’s not really. He made his own life he has to deal with it. I wonder how its going between him and her.

  • Traci what causes these creeps ar aged:50 to 60 to throw away they’re families and pull this shit? Is it a MLC or something more? Mine was bringing them into our “MARITAL” bed while I worked graveyard shift, with the kids, teens in the house!🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

    • My doctor, when I described to her during a screening for depression what was going on with my now ex, said, “I don’t know what happens to men in their 50s.” The next time I saw her, the first thing she did after entering the exam room was ask me, “Have you divorced him yet?”

    • Narcs can’t stand aging, losing their looks, realizing that the life they have IS their life, they’re never going to be a rock star/billionaire/sex symbol.

      So when they find a younger person who offers them the illusion of becoming younger themselves, and who is willing to treat them like they are SOOOO AAAAAMMMMAAAZZZZIIINNNG, they jump on it!

      It’s not a mid-life crisis (which isn’t even a thing), it’s just their shallowness finally showing through.

      And that whole ‘new baby’ thing? That’s going to wear real real thin, fast! Good parenting requires putting our needs and preferences aside for the needs of the child, pretty damned often. Narcs are so bad at that, and resent it so much.

  • That poor baby is already being used as a flying monkey, long before she can even talk. She’s going to grow up in a hall of mirrors, never knowing what’s real and what’s fake. I hope the older half-sibs get in touch at some level, just to help her out at crucial points. It’s not her fault she was born to a pair of narcissists.

    • Sorry. While it’s true that the baby will need help, asking that the abandoned kids take on that job is to ask them to take on a burden not of their making, simply because their father decided to go out and impregnate another woman.

  • I just imagined the UBT doing a palm-dusting clap, smiling a satisfied smile, crossing its arms, and exiting off into the sunset after a job well done.

    (Also I just realized for the first time that in my mind the UBT is that robot typewriter from 1970s Sesame Street for some reason.)

  • Not sure why everyone focusing on the OW in this post. I’m sure she’s not a very good person if she’s willing to sleep with her friends father in law (I mean seriously, ew) but it’s the father/ husband who is the prize shit here. He’s the one who chose to cheat on his wife. He’s the one who hasn’t bothered to contact or keep up the relationship with his own kids. He’s (possibly) the one who’s now decided to try and use his new baby to win their pity and sympathy.
    Not saying the OW is blameless but she isn’t the one who kicked her adult kids to the kerb like a sack of crap. He’s a 58 year old grown up man -so not sure why he’s getting a free pass.

    • Not giving the dad a free pass at all. My father was exactly like the guy in the story except OW never got pregnant. I never heard from him again. Like I was never born. No cards, phone calls, letters on any holidays, birthdays, etc. I graduated from high school, got married, got three college degrees, had two children. Crickets!!!

      My grandfather (his dad) died. I saw him at the funeral. We exchanged some minimal social pleasantries. I have heard nothing, NOTHING, since then. We live a few miles from each other. He physically and mentally abused my mother and OW was my sister’s age! He’s still with her!! My mother went so far as to have a plan for what to do if when things got scary. (She made those plans in the 1970’s.)

      You’re right I could be projecting that it’s the OW who wrote the letter. It could also be one of the grandparents trying facilitate triangulation for their children. FOO are good at “helping” when it’s time to circle the family wagons. Disney daddy’s family is super at that. I was never accepted as kin despite a 35 year relationship with Disney daddy. I wasn’t able to prove myself worthy of inclusion. It’s okay. They aren’t missed.

      • I’m sorry to hear that Chickenchump. My ex treated my daughter the same way. Since I found out he had another family and dumped his ass, he visited her for a while then lost interest. Broke her poor little 3 year old heart, but while I feel sadness and regret for the pain caused to her, I feel zero regret that he’s out of our lives. He was a selfish asshole and I’ve no doubt he would have caused her even more pain if he’d stuck around. Some people don’t deserve to have kids.

          • No doubt if he abused your mother he is abusing his current partner. Abusers normally do not have an epiphany and change.

            As much as we now know about sociopaths and narcissists I think it is still hard to wrap our brains around their ability to just delete people (kids, family, etc.) from their lives as if they never existed. Your “father” not keeping in touch is a blessing and if he ever does reach out I would be very suspect of his motive.

            • Oh, he does in fact do some stuff to OW. My oldest sister maintains contact with our father. Her choice, I know that but 🤢🤮. She’s even friends with the AP. Like invite her to family events and included her to an event with my mother. I put my foot down and said NO!!! I will not participate. I have no idea what mom said. I think she was upset. What she did was on her. But he’s still a mean sick evil monster. My children know he exists but have never met him unless Disney daddy has arranged it himself. That’s possible. Disney daddy is similar to him. No one gave me the tools to prevent me from recreating this horrible mess. I’m trying to end this cycle.

              • You’re well aware of the cycle and that is more than half the battle. You appear to have strong boundaries as well. So I’d say you are good and will be better when your children are no longer minors and you don’t have to deal with Disney Dad crap. All the best to you!

    • Agreed. Because really, how many old man cheaters want a NEW wife and to start over with NEW babies?! Hell no, it’s about getting variety and hot young strange. He had a wife and grown kids, the hard work of family life was over. Now he’s chained down again. OW gonna learn, if she isn’t already!

  • Here’s how I would respond,

    “Dear (Baby’s Name),

    Congratulations on being born but you have our deepest condolences for having (Fuckwit’s Name) as a Dad.

    Please know that if he eventually abandons you for a new woman and a new child without so much as a phone call or text message, it’s not your fault. He’s just a craven bastard who is incapable of taking personal responsibility and caring about the feelings of anyone but himself.

    We will be happy to meet you and get to know you when you turn 18 and are capable of having a relationship with us that doesn’t involve your parents.

    Until then, we wish you the best of luck… you will need it.

    Love,

    Your Siblings

  • I could have pretty much written this letter.
    My own ex had a baby this year. He lives with the mom in another city. She is not the original affair….but who knows when they got together as she is his bosses secretary. Oh, and we work at the same, fortunately large, company.

    My ex believes he is respecting the kids by staying minimal contact. He has not seen them in almost a year (they are 14 and 16). He says they are better off with me. He’s right, but what a shifty and cowardly view.

    I always thought he would be rick grimes and do anything to save his kids in an emergency. Nope. They are here with me, and out pandemic supplies. TURNS OUT I AM RICK GRIMES. Yay me!

    I feel deep sadness for my kids, and my only advice to them is that their dad is a scared and weak person and it is all about him, not them. They are great, lovely, interesting people.

    I still have some contact with my ex as we do work together. Plus, 25 years….he is full of shame and remorse and wonders how he got where he is. But he’s sure it’s someone else’s fault. Not mine….but definitely not his.

    I just stay a safe distance and update him on the kids only as absolutely necessary.

    My kids currently have zero plans to ever meet this baby. That is for them to decide as they get older. I am on their side, no matter what they choose.

    Whoever wrote that letter is exactly like my ex. A weak, yellow bellied coward.

    • Hi Marge! Sorry to hear your Ex is descending further and further into FuckWitHood.

      Updates on the kids? Yup, if one of their lives is in danger, I’ll inform my Ex. Otherwise it’s up to them…. meaning radio silence.

      I hope that soon you won’t know whether he’s full of shame and remorse. No Contact really is the absolute best, and work contacts shouldn’t reveal his feelings about the family he CHOSE to abandon.

      BTW, if it’s just words, that’s not actually shame or remorse. It’s ‘look, I really am a good person, I feel shame and remorse for the horrible things I’ve done AND CONTINUE TO DO’. Image management. Or possibly ‘I regret that I LOST such great and valuable family members, my life isn’t as good without them, and I am ashamed of the damage that has done to my reputation.’

    • Kudos to you for telling your kids cheater Dad is a weak, scared coward. It takes his power away from making them feel “less than”. Abandonment hits kids really hard but if they are informed early on the parent that abandoned them is a defect, it is a huge help. What drives me to distraction is the chumped mother/father forcing the runaway parent to have a relationship with the kids. The chumped parent can argue it is best for the children but in reality it is a desperate need to use the kids to be in contact with cheater.

  • It had to be the baby momma that wrote the letter.
    She is seeking legitimacy for her illegitimate family.
    She pick me danced with a pregnancy and now is trying to seal the deal with his kids by baiting her hook them with a baby.
    What a horror or show.

    • My thought is that this OW reached out with this letter because she would like to sink her hooks into the sons, who are likely around her age, based on the other details. She wouldn’t mind a scandal of fucking around with her elderly husband’s grown sons, methinks! What a gross soul she must be. Ugh. Really wish we could out people who cheat.

  • That’s some Olympic level refusal to accept responsibility.

    “Let you know he thinks of you everyday.” – Ahh the see its in my thoughts, but sorry you can’t have any actual y’know, actions that physically demonstrate the commitment to that thought? XAss used to tell me, “but you know that I love you, its just that I’m not demonstrative….”

    Don’t cha just love mental telepathy care and affection? Really keeps a girl warm at night. Ugh.

  • This is terrible but not so surprising when you consider that children aren’t really people to the narcissist. They are tools to be used to advance a narrative (“I’m a great dad!” or “poor me, my kids don’t reach out to me”)
    My kids were 16,14 and 8 when my asshole ex took off. My boys were furious and hurt and my daughter was sad and confused. He NEVER took any responsibility for their reaction to being abandoned. He said I was “making them” react the way they did. No recognition that they are people with feelings and opinions, ever. Just more manipulation. Yuck!

    • Just his way of deflecting blame for his actions and making it all about HIS happiness, because nobody matters more than he doesn/

    • My ex tried to blame me too. It hurt me a lot at the beginning, but I know now it’s just blame shifting. I see it in all his behaviour.

      Plus, I don’t care what he thinks. His opinion is irrelevant.

  • Is this a “grass is always greener on the other side” thing? I am actually jealous of those of you who have an X that leaves the kids alone, (only fair to call this aka abandon or cut off.)

    Kids were 14 and 17 at my final DDay. He is very, very disordered; a pathological liar, serial cheater from the first date (me 18 he 25.) He claimed to have been a D1 basketball player, college degree, business guy. When the whole ball unraveled after 5 years dating and 20 years of marriage I learned of 100s of affairs, many of the business trip out of state were sex trips, 3 were long-term “girlfriends” that he “really cared about, but came back and gave us (me and kids) another chance” unbeknownst to us of course. He has no college degree (resume is totally fake and always has been), he never played basketball, but does workout 2 hours a day staring in the mirror the whole time. He has a massive porn problem, I suspect some affairs were with men and groups, big alcohol abuse problems, these big scary rage fits where his entire face changes. He is hated by 95% of colleagues and didn’t keep a single one of our family friends. (They were like, finally, what took you so long….” He stole pain pills from me and our teenage DD after surgeries! He threatened to kill me during divorce. Twice! He is a fucked up conman! The whole story could easily be a Lifetime Network movie. I gave him a way bigger share of assets because of the threats; I was scared and sick and needed to be done. To the outside world he is this big deal, successful businessman, expert (know-it-all), great at sales (manipulation) and PR (gas lighting) hard headed, prone to tempers… I looked good as a prop as did the polite, well raised (by me, he was gone ALL the time) children.

    Now – Kids never stay there, he shows up (visably drunk!) for big events (many for the son, very few for the daughter.) He still has a couple side fucks and OW either doesn’t know or doesn’t care as she has the money & lifestyle. Kids (now 18, 21) won’t go there as she lives with him. But they do eat a meal out 2-3 times per year with him and engage in some phone calls and texts (all at his convenience.)

    He constantly tries to push OW on them. He admitted to the affair during the divorce, then later told them it didn’t happen at all, but “Mom was so in love with me that I had to make that up to help her fall out of love so I could be happy with XXXX, who I actually met after the divorce.” They know this is a total, outrageous lie-lol! I work 2 FT jobs to support them and they know and see the inequity and the tole it’s taken on my health. He helps son a little bit with college money (equal to me who has 1/4 the income, but he doesn’t give DD a penny as he doesn’t like her chosen career.) They make fun of him and say he is a mess, but they still talk to him. (Daughter says she’s scared not to, son just avoids conflict at all costs-my poor example manifesting much guilt on my part. In all fairness, he is very volatile and scary.) BUT he will not fucking go away. It is bad for them, bad for me when they come to me for fact checking and comfort from the inevitable pain he causes. It keeps him in our lives. I wish he would just disappear for all our sakes. But maybe I just don’t understand the other side of that… sigh… there is no winning or better scenario with the disordered I guess. 🙁

    • My story is very similar to yours. All I can say is my son and his relationship with his father is like a rollercoaster. Right now they are currently not on speaking terms for 5 months. This is the 2nd time, the first time lasted for 1 year. His father is relentless, but clueless (every week he spins through the channels of charm, pity, & rage hoping for a response). Divorce, regardless of the situation is very difficult for adolescents and adult children as they were highly invested in the family relationship. It takes a lot of therapy for them to understand cognitive dissonance. It took me some time to understand, accept, forgive myself and figure out how best to support my son through this roller coaster. You will get there too!

      • Thank you for the reply. I was in therapy for 3 years which was nice, especially the EMDR. But I can’t afford it anymore. Any outside references (free) that really help with the cognitive dissonance part for you? He still gets me riled up ever year with taxes (deviates from our agreement so get gets more $$) and when he shows up drunk at events; driving himself of course. (Cant speak with out slurring or walk straight but drove himself there… It makes me irate!)

  • After I commented I got up, wandered around, did some housework, cooked lunch, and sat back down and read the letter again. It’s creepy! It’s really weirdly creepy. Those are some disordered people in that household. That poor baby.

  • I bet the OW wrote it and is hoping to “get to know” the men who are closer to her age than Old Fart. Maybe she has fantasies of the whole Uncle-Daddy sort going on.

    What could be more thrilling to a Slore’s heart than persuading the Old Fart to cheat and abandon his family, then turn around and cheat on him with his son(s)?

    Of course she is the one who wrote it. Why else is it typewritten and there is no return address?

    Ugh.

  • What I find awful about this letter is how it tries to make the abandoned kids feel guilty and loved at the same time. If only they were more forgiving, their dad would have been there for them. But he respects their wishes even though he is sad and hurt, because he loves them that much and with such a pure wise heart that he accepts their character defects, especially their defective ability to love their father.

    • Yep. Charming isn’t it. My ex would use language like that after my children cut him off. Even 10 years later he’d send them emails with phrases like “Christian forgiveness”. My youngest eventually responded with “I don’t believe Christians use people’s faith to blackmail them”. That was breaking years of grey rock but I cheered for her lol

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