What Kept You Stuck with a Cheater?
Very few people react to betrayal with calm and clarity. We’re broadsided. Flattened. Confused. Most of us ran with the unicorn herd for a while and tried to reconcile. Some are still working it out, either hanging in there to see if the remorse is real or lining up the ducks in case it isn’t.
I’ve outlined why folks stay with cheaters before, but today, I’m asking — what kept you there?
For myself, I’d say it was a big morass of disbelief (I still loved the jerk, it was 6 months after my wedding), hopium, not wanting the OW to “win” (cringe!), skein untangling (his, not mine), misdirected loyalty (failure is NOT an option!), and later Machiavellian attempts to “reconcile” while trying to get a post-nup. Every moment completely soul crushing. If I’d paid better attention, I would’ve seen from the start he wasn’t One Bit Sorry despite his spasmodic “remorse.”
But my idiocy and his mindfuckery brought you, Chump Lady. So, hey, it wasn’t a total loss.
So tell me, chumps — what kept you stuck with a cheater?
Sunk costs and my desire to not toss a 30 year marriage and , I thought, my family. I believed his bullshit that he loved me right up to and including the gag-worthy vow renewal in Central Park ( carriage ride, roses, officiant). Followed by 4 years of the worst abuse ever, including hundreds of thousands of retirement money stolen and blown on his failing business. Ughhhbb!
I stayed for several reasons:
-the suicide of his two brothers (which made me feel that I had to keep my STBX alive)
-anorexic daughter
-aging parents that needed so much care
-money (he earned it)
-status (he’s an admired MD)
-hope (once he retires…)
-minimization (it’s not that bad; he means well)
-fear of the unknown and being alone
-sunk costs
-allegiance to marriage vows
-low self-esteem (born of years of abuse by that narcissistic jerk)
It all just feels so sad. Regret is a terrible feeling. And regret coupled with rejection hurts (as CL so eloquently puts it) like a motherfucker.
Newlady15: So sorry to hear. The remorse is hard to know how real it is :-(! So strong you get out of that! Hugs!
Mine even faked me out by re-doing our marriage vows — the whole time that he was with his skank!! What a liar! Total image management.
We were also gong to “renew” after DDay1 in 2012. Even though we bought the outfits, we never quite got around to it. By the time he walked out the door, one of the things he said was “why didn’t you want to get married again?”–as if it was MY fault? Of course, this was after he said he never would have thought of Howorker, now HoWife, if I hadn’t “suggested” her. Divorce final 2018 after 25 years. Instead of focusing on a renewal, I should have got a post-nup!!!!!!
Blameshifting dick!!!!!!
What is up with these FREAKS renewing wedding vows? My sisters ex did this also. It was right afterwards she had a PI follow him and he was caught with the OW.
They probably don’t want their spouse to divorce them and take half the money.
My cheating spouse wanted to renew our vows too. It didn’t happen because I didn’t see the point in it. I kept my promises/vows but he did not. Why bother renewing vows with a lying liar?
Exactly!
Smart. Those PI’s are worth their weight in gold!
The lengths these people go to to keep their house of cards standing.
My gut was telling me to run; he was telling me that I was crazy and paranoid. I don’t know why I tried to force myself to believe him, but forcing his “truth” to fit resulted in a nervous breakdown…
I left when he finally confessed. I know I got out early (4 months from affair start to d-day) but I’m struggling to understand why I let him have such power and control over me.
I was raised by narcissists and when I got here people said my husband is a covert narcissist. I’ve been doing the pick me dance for 30 years. I saw the red flags before we got married but I spackled by buying all his excuses so yeah childhood trauma.
What I don’t understand is why HE stayed. I don’t think he was ever happy since he spent most of our marriage chasing materialistic things (that I bought him). Please don’t tell me he was happy before and dumped me because I didn’t dance pretty enough. Did I just get too old? Is the OW a better dancer than me? Ugh.
Love. A sense of loyalty and belief in a partnership I wasn’t willing to let go of. Plus he said he wanted to stay together. That lasted…maybe two weeks before I realized he was still seeing her. That’s when I told him to get his shit and get out. I know a lot of women try longer, but I still kick myself over those two weeks. I was a super sad sap, begging him to stay. If I could go back, I would have kicked his sorry ass to the curb the moment I found out.
I begged him to stay, too – he left for his secretary and I remember begging on the phone asking him to give me a second chance. I cringe when I think what my self worth was then. Alas, things are better now – she is the one quarantined with him, not me!
Oh yeah. Love. A great previous thirty years. Probably some sunk costs. Believing him. A dream of growing old, and still so in love. I even drove to his dating-app-I’m-so-single Schmoopie four hours away, and told her in person, I’m real, we are not separated, pretty much begged her (an betrayed spouse to her now dead serial cheater, ugh) not to steal my partner ????♀️. Like others here, she now has to quarantine with him. Nearly three years later, still reading my blog. They must be really fucking secure and happy, right? The old saying about the best revenge on someone stealing your partner is letting them keep them, truth.
It hurts to be abandoned but I do know what she got. She’s got prince charming now but it’s an act. I hear he’s aged 5 years since he left a year ago. Isn’t this what he wanted?? Why isn’t he giddy with happiness, a spring in his step all a glow with love? I don’t get it.
Why does any addict abuse their drug of choice? It’s not like heroin addicts don’t know heroin will destroy their life, but that doesn’t stop them.
I don’t feel this metaphor is entirely accurate, of course, simply because I don’t believe narcissists consider consequences. Consequences are for little people. Narcissists are so grandiose that they believe reality bends to their will. They want their hit, and they want it now.
Sure, the bill will come due, their life will fall apart, but the narcissist refuses to acknowledge that’s a consequence of their behavior. Yes, these people are delusional. They don’t operate in this reality, even when they’re clearly suffering for their poor choices. They will shoot themselves in the foot in service to their ego.
Elena–
I wish I could give you the words to comfort you, but trust that they suck. OW will never make him happy, that’s why he’s aged 5 years. He’s realized too late that Schmoopie was a bait and switch. Cry and focus on you.
I couldn’t understand why my Ex was making my life miserable during the divorce if he was so “happy” with his “soulmate”. 25 years of marriage and he treated me like dirt–not even a crumb for being the mother of his children. I wanted to blame the Howorker (now wife), but I’ve recently learned more about covert narcissists. These black hearted creatures are never happy. I suppose that’s why they want to make us unhappy as well.
People have also told me he looks like “shit”. I saw a photo of him taken last summer (a few days after their first wedding–apparently she needed to be married twice, go figure!) and it’s true. He looks like absolute crap. Gained 20+ pounds, turning grey, balding more and a horribly fake smile. I have to admit I’m glad he looks like hell after what he put me through. He truly sucks.
Spent most of the morning crying and guessing I’ve reached my limit on this because I can no longer comment on posts. Just know that I am reading and am appreciative. I’ve saved these in my email so I can reread them when I’m feeling down.
Thank you everyone. Like I said it’s been a bad week.
Same same same! And in my case, OW lives in another Country. He has quarantined alone, a few miles away from his {former} best friend, gorgeous, kind woman (yes, I AM all that! and OW in Miss plain Jane, go figure) that cooks like a chef and treated him like a King. A fortune in lawyers, he still fights and doesn’t divorce me although I probably have a distorted image of myself (and fake friends) because I must be ugly, mean, and also have some sort of deeply contagious skin disease because why would he do that? This is a guy that would have great sex with his wife of 16 years almost every day and chooses not to just so he can stay alone in his apt eating frozen pizza and using his hand instead of a real woman. He came up like a bunch of stupid excuses but I’m sure if he had a real reason as of why leaving me he would make sure he told me: You cheated on me, you have bad breath, you stole money from me, you slept with my best friend, you are the worst mother ever, you invented coronavirus, you suck…something, right? Why all this hate? Why? And small kids in the middle of all this also suffering because of his decision. I am trying to focus on the divorce to get out of this as fast as I can with as much as I can to just at least focus solely on raising my kids and have no interest in finding another man anytime soon. Hard to accept that this happen to me but I had to come to terms with the fact that I was conned. And I can feel he is terrified of finally having to admit that he left his perfect family for stupid OW and I can only wonder what kind of things he made up to justify he doing this. But deep down he knows he suck.
Elena- they make shitty life decisions and then have to prove to the world their decisions were good ones. Yeah right. Smoke and mirrors. Lying and cheating is never never never a good decision. He lost his integrity, dignity and self respect he had when he was with you.
The best decision he made was to be with you. I mean you were together 30 years. 30! He crossed a line and he can’t go back because he knows you’re not going to look at him in the same adoring way. He’s stuck with a boobie prize, piece of shit on a cracker, and so is she. Why isn’t he giddy with happiness? Because he’s NOT happy. He has to live with the consequences of his deplorable actions. Unless he’s a sociopath he knows it. The grass ain’t greener sweetie. It’s not you, it’s him.
I suspected OW after he told me he wanted a divorce. He went out every night before moving out 5 days later. This is the guy who was home all the time. No real friends to speak of so where was he going? I begged him to stay, to come home, offered to bring him food since he was living in his camper (yes I’m stupid). He said that was nice but that his “friends” were having him over for dinner every night. I’m such an idiot he was living with her until he could get his own place.
If I had a do over I would have hired a PI and filed for divorce once I caught him. I’m ashamed of how pathetic he must have thought I was. The ego boost he got at my expense. Ugh
Elena, on the contrary, in my opinion you are to be commended for *not* being overly suspicious and for believing his explanations. I know that probably ExH and his poopsie mocked me for being such a gullible fool, but now I’m actually proud of being so naive. It was very painful to have my eyes opened to the seamier side of deceptive human nature, and I wish I were still that innocent, unknowing woman
Elena you are not alone.
Same story. I took him back six times over 2 years!!!! I stayed because I didn’t want my kids to feel the same pain I did and I didn’t want to lose my dream of growing old together.
After 30 years together I never saw this coming. He was this rule following, upstanding nice guy. Everyone thought he was so great. He told me this was all my fault and I believed him. Yes I suspected OW but there was enough truth in his allegations of me that I ignored the signs. I was so terrible that he had no choice but to leave. Yes my self esteem is that low.
I do, too, sometimes want my innocence back.
But then I think, wouldn’t that just lead me to another predator?
I can’t say. But I am grateful I can teach my daughters how to spot narcs.
Not wanting to give up the traditional family unit, because I wanted to give my family the best chance at having a cohesive unit since a lot of what I saw around me was families striving for “stuff”, “more of everything” and less of quality family time.
My children’s mental well being. Seeing many of their friends have intact families now just about kills me, but I’d never go back.
The history between asshat and me. Thought it was worth fighting for; glad it wasn’t and I’m done.
Unicorn chasing. Still loved her deeply and allowed her to live in the house for 4 months despite the fact she was regularly texting, skyping this guy (in front of me!!) and even meeting up with him. Thought she would see what she was missing and reject this guy. No, kept on texting him well into the early hours all the time making the most awful remarks about me to him (I checked her messages weeks later). I remain thoroughly ashamed of myself for not throwing her out. Don’t ( I repeat) don’t allow this to happen to you. When you can get out, get out.
Brit chump, I did the exact same thing. 18 weeks of that….
Britchump,
I’m going on 1.5 years of this (I can’t even believe it’s been that long!) and I do not know what is wrong with me. Please tell me how you broke away from this. I know this makes me the absolute, ultimate, chumpyest chump EVER, but he continually draws me back in with telling me how much he loves me, telling me how much he wants to be here at home with our family (yet needs her, too), etc. But then he spends hours a day texting her (right in front of me) and even going to visit her on a regular basis during this pandemic lockdown (since they can’t see each other every day at work now…). She divorcing her husband to pursue mine so now she’s all freed up, but he doesn’t want to leave me (…or her). What finally did it for you? A final straw? A sudden moment of clarity? Help!! I’m dying here.
PRAY! Read! Talk to strong women. And men. Read these comments every day! It DOESNT GO AWAY! The sick feeling in your gut. The anxious constant tear filled face. The mini heart attacks… please think about YOUR WELL BEING. Your health. Picture yourself, And what’s going on in this little dome. THEN imagine you’re looking inside. It’s very foggy, unclear unstable etc… but OUTSIDE, you can find the REAL YOU. The one who doesn’t have to worry or wait for clarity. The change you need and deserve is deep in your soul. Dig it out girl, and keep fighting. One other thing imagine your own child, sister, mother or friend in your situation. Do what you would recommend THEY do. Finally you NEED to be a good example you’ve forgiven enough now it’s broken and ok to walk away. (I know you weren’t asking me but I’ve needed help so much this past month and felt compelled to respond.
Shan,
Thank you! It’s just so SO hard to walk away from 20+ years of a life together, 2 kids, all of our holidays and extended family experiences together, etc, especially when he refuses to be the one to willingly leave. He says, “I won’t and don’t want to leave unless you kick me out.” That’s putting it all on me, and I don’t want to be the bad guy. It’s all just so damn unfair and I wish it would just go away. 🙁 But I do get what you (and others here) are saying, and after a couple months of reading these posts…it’s starting to very slowly change my heart and mind for the better/healthier.
Checking in on you! Since this post is being re-ran
I’ve changed my name and morphed into some who also thinks about family, him wanting to stay, and all that jazz. Yet I’m still here changed my name and all. My heart can’t fall back into love like I should be though. The days are passing.
I hope you’re doing well
I first thought about ALL the good times too. All the holidays. The parties where my husband made it worth having. He helped with the meals setting up the house, entertained all the kids. He truly cared about making people feel special. And that they all enjoyed themselves. I thought about every time he’s fixed my car or repaired everything needed to survive in this house. Even that although I own the house-he’s put so much into this place. Then there was the side of him that could let his ex (the mother of the file I was helping them raise) get into his vehicle and do WHO KNOWS what. Before coming home from “work”. So while we’re thinking about all those lovely things EVEN if they outweigh the bad… I’ve decided that ONE time was forgivable. After that? He’s just a stupid disrespectful asshat behind my back. And I always wondered why he seemed afraid of his ex. Walking on eggshells so she wouldn’t tell me. You know, he keeps saying “it was six years ago, I’ve learned from my mistakes”. Right. But the problem is: I wasn’t informed so that I could also Make a decision. And learn
All those great memories can be just that. It will be freeing. As long as you put your extra efforts into those babies (I call them babies forever it seems)
For me I think I’ll miss those times and it will be really freaking lonely for a while but I definitely think your worth it. I’m worth it. We’re all worth it. I don’t like the feeling of going to bed at night half hearted. It’s all or nothing. Remember, he’s a man child and he WILL make you do all the leg work. Like mine. He’s on the couch. He’s “trying” so hard. WHAT? How? By being home like you should be? Also started seeing a therapist (phone visits only of course) but then when I said it’s great but too late for “us” his whole demeanor changes and I realize the therapist is for show. No doubt they can be nice guys but you’re nicer. Keep praying. I will too
I totally get this feeling of shame, Britchump, over a year later it still sometimes wakes me up in the early hours. All the best and may you heal fast and fully.
Fear. Fear of admitting I was wrong about him. Fear of being alone. Fear of admitting defeat. Fear of being financially destitute. Fear kept me compliant for decades. Now in retrospect I can see the patterns where he hoovered me back with abject apologies and promises of changed behavior. That was a lie. The whole marriage was a lie. From the very beginning he lied.
Now I am alone. I am no longer compliant. I won’t be financially devastated after the divorce. He owes me retroactive temporary spousal support. I choose to believe the Judge presiding over my case who told me “Mrs. STBX, the law will provide for you.”
I am afraid every day. I struggle financially. I am living alone. Yet living with all of that is better than living with his daily cruelties and betrayal.
Please don’t be afraid. You made a brave move that took SO MUCH courage I’m sure. It’s traumatic and I will pray for you. Don’t regret a thing. You’re a True warrior
Thank you
For me it was fear of being alone , even though that’s how I have been living for awhile , Fear of not being financially able to afford a new life , Married , 40 years , and now having to start all over , just because of him , We are still together but only as two people that have to share a home because we can’t afford to get another place , We’re trying a separation , but it’s hard when living together , He has the work experience he makes the money , I was a stay at home mom a lot of those years , And now he had someone else , and I’m supposed to just let him have what he wants I don’t think so This is my home , and for now I’m not going anywhere , If he really wants out he’ll have to make it worth it for me So we’re still here. I do want my own life , But it cost so much to have your own life .
I’m ashamed to admit how I got played. Our kids were older so I got a job after being a homemaker for 15 years. Oh I can’t even type out the rest right now…long story short he left me not long after I got a job. He calmly told me “I think we can swing it now” as if we were buying a new car. I’m now living in a crappy rental because ugh I was trying to nice him back. I didn’t know about the OW then. I filed for divorce and am working on getting temporary support but I’m scared.
That’s what I thought was happening , all of a sudden he was trying to get me to get a job , make friends , He has a hidden agenda , Hes just waiting around till I don’t need him financially , then he’ll be gone I’m scared , I don’t think I should have to give up what we built together just so he could have a life with the OW.
I wasn’t given a choice. He just left.
Yes, to the fear. And years of suspicions I couldn’t prove along with his terrible, hot & cold treatment of me. Then shame when I finally caught him cheating with hookers. After that, it was a period trying to keep a family unit for my son. The end was when the therapist told me in order to want something better for my son, I had to want it for myself and that the shame was my husband’s to bear-not mine. Then the discovery of CL and CN.
It has been 6 years since DDay & 3 years since he passed away. And just like a lot of people here at CN, I wish I would have ended things sooner since I have learned it is so much better on the other side.
I’m worried about money so it’s hard to imagine a better life. I so want to believe it’s better to be broke and happy than financially secure and miserable.
Elena, it’s quite the trade-off, isn’t it? I think that the pandemic and inability to find jobs and meet people is tricking our brains into thinking that maybe the crap we used to endure wasn’t so bad after all because at least we weren’t so lonely and worried about finances.
I refer back to my list of “shitty things he did and said” to remind myself of how bad things were…for decades.
I hope you believe that “broke and happy” is better. You deserve happiness. As CL put it: (and I might be paraphrasing): “Do you want a life or a lifestyle?”
I’m trying to do the same. He was so miserable, a stick in the mud, judgemental, nothing was ever good enough. I never understood this because he had everything. My kids are happier without him around. He was so easily offended by everything that we censored ourselves. Now my teens tell off color jokes, cuss, show me these um sex laden videos and movies but my IC says it’s a good thing. I’ve got good kids, honor students, respectful, but they are still teenagers with what turns out a wicked sense of humor. My IC says they trust me now and I’ve been allowed in their world. Not as buddies because I still parent they are just open now.
My 17 year old daughter says broke and happy is better. For me the verdict is still out but it’s only been 6 months since I lost my home.
Not knowing there is a better life is a big part of it. Like others, you made a good life despite obstacles & all the BS saying otherwise.
Thirty three- I can relate. Fear fear fear. Eight children, no financial control, no place to go, emotionally beaten down, and I truly loved the man for 44 years. Now I live alone for the first time ever, struggling financially as well, he won’t settle or agree to anything. I moved out when he was out of town 17 months ago. One of my adult sons ( his favorite child) won’t speak to me. I’m scared everyday and I still will never go back. I have my own space, peace and quiet, and I have me. I wasted most of my life on a person who only cares about himself and what he wants.
I was a long-termer as well. I was talking with my teenage son a couple of days ago who is quarantining with ex cheater and his new wife. He told me they were out on a walk together. Cheater would NEVER would go for a walk with me. I probably asked a thousand times. After the call, I realized it would have been our 31st anniversary that day, 34 years together! I wondered if ex realized that, then immediately realized no he absolutely did not. I made it seem sad in my mind for a second while I milked the idea, but I couldn’t feel sad. Because I wasn’t sad, I was GLAD 🙂
Mistake44, you will be able to upgrade your name to “Living a far better life!” It takes real courage to leave a long marriage. I salute you!
I could not 100% prove it despite every cell in my body telling me otherwise. We also were just married and had a baby (7 years ago) He wouldn’t cheat on his wife at home with his six month old baby, right?
It wasn’t until I saw actual texts between him and another woman, to include that woman ending their work fuckbuddy status because she learned he had slept with another woman they worked with. This other woman was coincidentally the same woman I strongly suspected 7 years ago.
So…the OW he was fucking at work ended it because he fucked…another OW at work…
So he was a serial cheater but fishing from the same pond. And somehow he thought these women he worked with wouldn’t find out about each other and blow things up somewhere along lie suppLIE chain??? (That’s what I’m calling it. The supplie chain.)
Are cheaters that dumb or do they just think they’re impervious to consequences?
Mine does it to prove he can. The OW knows he cheats on her but he is a high executive and she comes from a very poor family and is “Cinderella” in her own eyes or just plain old golddigger. I know he does it to hurt and test her and to see how far he can go. He knows she won’t leave him as she now is more worried about “winning” over me and getting her pot of gold (oh she is in for a treat) and have her beautiful wedding. I see a lot of these women are about defeating the wife and treats men like a prize. Their self-esteem is so low that that’s what their lives became.
That will never turn out well. Ohhhh sweet Karma is on it!
Little girls going for money BARF. Make your own!
The pot of gold thing is crazy. My H looks like he has money and he does…sorta. He’s terrible with money so it was me that made his life possible by cutting corners in other places so he could have all the “toys”. When we met 30 years ago I thought he had money (I was in love not a gold digger) but what he really had was debt and a lot of it. Without someone keeping him in line he spends too much on a life he can’t afford.
Yes Kara, there were other moments. I can’t even begin to imagine how deep he swam in the pond but I’m sure he did. He works in the restaurant business and these are all 30 something bartenders/servers that chose to do him. He can have them as I’m not in the fucking equation anymore. Thank god
Yuck. I am so sorry. Cheapo little ho hoes I call them. They know and do t care. He knows and does t care. Let him suffer now because he gave up a good life for some 2 second trash. They’ll all move on and live their lives. He’ll sit and wallow
Mine wasn’t dumb, but he firmly believed he was impervious to consequences. He was sure he was smarter than every one else around him.
Sounds like my stbxh. Really smart but thought he was untouchable.
Mine too.
So witty, clever… a typical poster boy: great education, job, amazing family…
Why would someone jeopardize his career, life, life of unborn children, wife…. just to feel special and fuck hookers, prostitutes, Basically anyone willing….
I will never understand. never,
Denial seems to be so powerful for them. I cannot begin to fathom lying to my husband the way he’s lied to me. I would literally have had a nervous breakdown each time I can home and had to look at him. I would have turned to mush and cried and said, I’m sorry! I love you! I would feel sick and black and dark inside to carry those lies. And my husband was kind of like, “oh well, you found out, now you know”. Fucking unreal.
I feel EXACTLY the same and agree 100%!!! HOW did my husband function being a NEWLYWED and going off to me the ex a “few times”. WHAAT?!? In his truck! Ha. BARF.
Cheapo ho ho… I just found out a month ago now. I’ve been reading here every day. And praying. Journaling etc.. it all helps a lot and I’m actually starting to feel free. This will be good, in the end
But I can relate to you so much with what you said!
Mine even went on a cruisade to yell the world “how free!!”he felt now that “I knew”, swearing he would never go back to feeling trapped by lies, etc. Only to leave me face several more D-days about stuff he kept hiding that progressively turned into crossing a line and that was a dealbreaker. Let me plan a wedding amidst all this and all. That’s how much “remorse” he had.
Mine can’t think past next weekend. Overly optimistic, can’t see the bigger picture so it’s easy to not see the consequences.
Mine thinks there are no consequences. He thought he should be able to fuck anyone he wanted, and now, he thinks he should not have to lose anything as a result. Where do they get this entitled thinking from?
Chumptastic: Same here. Boggles the mind, doesn’t it?
And the consequences are staggering. STBX lost me (well, he was willing to lose me) but also his adult children and granddaughter. He lost the respect of many friends. He also lost a lot of money in the settlement (even though we are in a no-fault state).
He is seething about all this and describes it as unfair punishment. He just found someone he thinks he can be happier with. What could be so wrong with that? She flirted with him, “like hit me over the head with a rock flirtation” (actually said this to me). He’s the poor, sad sausage who told lies about only ONE thing (2 1/2 year affair with a much younger howorker).
He NEVER uses the word “consequences.” That word implies agency and some responsibility.
My problem is that I try to impose sanity on crazy. I should stop.
I think my husband was sold a bill of goods by his dumb ass friend and a predatory woman. I say this based on things he told me as he was walking out the door. For example his dumb ass friend said there was no alimony in my state. Wrong. I’d just gotten a job so he’d owe me nothing. Wrong again. These two idiots don’t know our financial situation nor are they attorneys.
I don’t think they even go so far to think about it. Are they that dumb? Who knows. Maybe they were playing games ‘secretly knowing that the other doesn’t suspect’. And they didn’t care if they were found out. I think they’re just too shallow.
A close friend of mine just had a D-day literally yesterday. Similar thing. Dumbass picking from the same pool not thinking his OW might possibly, maybe, talk to each other.
She was dating this guy for a short amount of time (she says she’s thankful it was brief) but turned out he was juggling her and two other women. Two other people whom she was friends with. He was telling each one of them they were his only one.
So this genius of a man really thought it would be a good idea to cheat with three women who are all friends with each other and tell them all the same lie, and really thought that wouldn’t backfire. My friend was the first to catch on, talked to the other two, and all three of them told him to go suck rocks.
You’d think these manipulators would at least be good at lying but damn some of them are just incomprehensibly stupid.
I truly believe they enjoy the possibility of chaos erupting- and they are at the center of it! As CL says, they hope a cat fight among women happens, over them. Narcs. They only live in the moment, never picturing being thrown to the curb ????
(Also, they hate women, deep down)
FreeWoman, that sounds like something my friend said yesterday. “What did he think was going to happen? Did he think he would bring us all together to live with him as his harem one day??? EW.”
Maybe he thought that would happen, or maybe he thought they would all be trowing themselves at him with Pick Me dancing.
Nope, he got kicked to the curb threefold.
Thinking his FOO issues were the problem, and that he was actually a “good guy.” My loyal love and support would show him he’s not alone!
Nope. He’s just an entitled jerk who does what he wants when he wants.
Same. He didn’t seek out a safe place to land until our kids were older although I have no idea how long she’s been in the picture since he works a lot and she works with him.
This “work a lot” thing is whats kills me. Looking back, I have ZERO idea of what was “work” and what was “play”. I think that companies are turning a blind eye on this “cheat party” that the corporate world became. All the trips, conferences, more trips where you can basically ditch the meetings (seen many times), trips that he didn’t have to do but since he is a high executive he would “get a reason to travel” (seen that, too). If there is one thing that maybe covid will end is this “corporate party”. What is more interesting, a single guy that says yes to every single company request, can travel as much as he wants and can, or a married guy that is committed to his family and that puts his work in second?
My husband’s work travel was consistent until about 6 months before he left. He then started taking those unnecessary trips and we argued about it. He lied and said the extra training would benefit us both after he retired. I totally bought it then he dumped me in the middle of one of these arguments. It was a total set up. Upon gathering financial documents I saw where he’d been stashing cash that whole time just waiting for a fight so he could blame this all on me. I did not know there was someone else.
The OW no longer works with him (crap this stuff is hard to type out without crying) but I know he’s come home for a night just to see her before going back out of town. He lied to our kids about it not knowing that they know about her.
I thought little of myself, that came from my parents.
I thought I didn’t deserve better.
He said he loved me, still says it now.
Other people especially women thought he was lovely.
he was nicer to other people.
He’s a fuckwit.
Still is
Could have written this word for word!
For the same reasons as you. Yuck! Not wanting to ‘fail’ or be seen as giving up on our family. The thought of the OW winning was almost as bad as the act itself, the meer fact that someone could tear apart my family like that.
But here we are 2 years later (after the most recent and final DDay, 7 total, don’t judge me!!) and she has gotten him arrested, he has admittedly cheated on her, and they are on and off. She is just ‘me’ 15+ years ago. There is a saying… people don’t change their behavior, they just find someone to believe and put up with their bullshit!
I would say i stayed as long as I did was fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of the unknown. I was not going to let her win. I also wanted to leave on my terms not his. I tried for one year and knew in my heart that I was betraying myself. My ex showed me how he felt about our marriage. I deserved so much more.
Sunken cost, blowing up the family unit, financial security, fear. You name it. Mostly it was my 12 year old son. the affair started when he was less than a year old and went on for 7 years. (with my then best friend). I believed it was grief from losing our 2 oldest sons. Just him trying to escape the pain. Now I realize it would have happened regardless because that is just who he is. I am still here trying to get everything in order to make my exit. But the guilt over my 12 year old son always makes me wait. Maybe I will wait until he is older as long as husband and i can get along. Right now husband is the one doing the pick me/hoovering. But he is upset that I don’t give him any recognition for it.
Take your son and run! I grew up with a cheater for a father — it’s more damaging than you know. You don’t want your son to believe that’s how relationships are supposed to be.
My wife’s ex husbands mother did that. Her husband was a serial cheater. She stayed till the kids grew up then divorced him. All it did was teach her ex husband to be a serial cheater himself. BAD mistake.
It will screw your kid up so much more if you stay. I should know. I lived in a D day after D day home. My mum finally kicked my dad out when I was 16. It was too late. I thought all that behaviour was normal. Even now, at 38, I will never be in a proper relationship, because I am so screwed up and have ruined all my previous ones, as I didnt know any better. Do your son a huge favour and leave, before he is totally screwed up
Totally agree. BE AN EXAMPLE! You’ll be a happier stable parent anyway
Therapy, therapy and more therapy. It’s not too late to change your behavior if you want. You are inclined to mess up relationships but you do have a choice.
I was a child in such a family. Take your son and run. You think you’re doing him a favour but staying with a cheater and abuser means harm for life for your son. I repeated all my mother’s mistakes. My ex was raised in such a family too (a cheating PoS for a father). He turned into him but even worse.
Disbelief. Could not believe that man I was so in love with would be capable of what he did (live with the ow while talking to me all the time as we worked towards our retirement). Who does that? Takes a total ass and he wasn’t that kind person was he??? Well he was. I broke, I survived, I came out better financially and I now shake my head and say “good luck you two. You deserve each other. How’s that RV living going?” It’s been a year since d day and me and the new puppy are doing great. Still have the occasional moment but I am glad I got rid of a person that doesn’t think twice about causing pain because “hey this was your fault. I did nothing wrong”. Sound familiar. Thanks chump lady. I smile now instead of falling over myself trying to make an asshole smile. It’s much easier. And I can now put up that red table umbrella and drink a mimosa with my friends without being judged
Another similar story. I’m dreaming of being where you someday.
I guess disbelief here too.
I’m way past everything and I hit acceptance but there are time I truly cannot believe the whole other life he hid, the years of lies and pretending we had a marriage.
I love the name ‘Happy with the dog’ 🙂
Sunk costs and fear.
I was literally 2 months into a 9 month cancer treatment. I was bald. I was tired. I needed help. How was I going to go to all of those appointments? How was I going to afford them? How was I take care of a 7 year old? How can he be telling me that now, NOW he can’t take it anymore and needs to work on his happiness?
One of my first thoughts was, this can be fixed. I can fix this. He’s been telling me I was the problem and crazy for years so of course this is the result. I didn’t get the right kind of help. But the truth was that I had been trying to fix it for years and it wasn’t working because I wasn’t the problem. I had been putting endless amounts of energy into our marriage and my “partner” was not only NOT putting any effort in, he was actively working against me. He counter parented, he refused to participate in our family. He was doing everything he could to drive me crazy because he was too cowardly to just say he didn’t want to be married and file for divorce.
Even though I had no real support for years, I still thought I needed him. Cancer is scary to face alone. But guess what? I went to ALL of those appointments alone, except surgery. My surgery? My mom came and everyone in my bookclub signed up for a time to check in and spend time with me. I took my 7 year old to school every day and didn’t miss an event, activity or conference. I was told for years that I was the problem. I was crazy. My own family liked him better than me. I’m glad he left so that I finally learned the truth.
Wow! Kudos to you!
I’m in awe of you.
Wow, CC, you are most definitely mighty. Congratulations on your better life
You found out that YOU are very powerful! Best of wishes on your recovery!
You are amazing!!! You deserve someone as amazing as you xo
Fear, fear that ex would carry on not bothering to feed kids properly. Fear that he was right and I was boring and stupid and that I would never be happy. Fear that I couldn’t afford to look after me and my boys. Fear that everyone would say but it’s because he suffers from depression and his Dad just died, then well he did it once and you have forgiven him it’s all better now.
I still have days where I am afraid, but now I know as ever I can rely on me and it’s so much easier with that mill stone at least partly detached.
I took my marriage vows seriously. I wanted to keep the family unit together. As time passed, I could see he did not give a shit about anyone but himself. When I found out he had been hiding money the whole marriage and once my kids told me he was cheating, I was done. My biggest fear were the financials. I was scared shitless about that. I decided (along with CN support) that I needed to fight for my future in ending the fake marriage. Almost divorced. I took on more debt than cheater. I think I will be out of debt in about 5 years. But I’m getting alimony to help with my future.
Hopium. Lots if it combined with downright naive me. I didn’t know the red flags. FOO issues made me think this was NORMAL! Love is supposed to be hurting you at times. Giving for your spouse for the marriage. Not wanting to fail.
I spackled a lot over things that I thought were just normal. Now looking back are like wait a minute that’s not right!! I caught him with what I thought was DDay #1 and did RIC. (Looking back it was actually DDay #3! ). Anyway, I bought the remorseful show even though it wasn’t a good selling job on his side. Again looking back there was NO apology for his behavior. He blame shifted it to me! It was my fault. I was so blindsided and chumped that I took it. Again, that’s what they sell you. It’s half your fault BS!! I turned to marriage police moving forward. Trust sort of and verify everything! We had children through fertility twice and it wasn’t easy. He whined about it and it was his idea!! So many red flags ugh ????
I caught him multiple times doing stupid stuff. The last straw was watching porn on our computer while our children were upstairs. They could have walked in on him and saw his video and his polishing actions live!! We tried more RIC. It was torture. Disney daddy became evil, rage channels. I filed and am still not divorced 5 years later.
tomorrow is anzac day in australia/nz. it is also the day he told me, four years ago, he’d “made a connection” with someone online. the person i was then and who i am today don’t even speak the same language. thank CHRIST i found chump lady and thank you everyone for all your comments over these past four years. you’ve made me laugh so hard and really opened my eyes as to how very big this club is. why did i stay? because i didn’t see any of the signs…i wasn’t looking for them. i thought that every couple had ups and downs but had failed to realise that our downs had been going on for more than ten years. i didn’t see that i’d been living with a narcissist who was abusing me psychologically, emotionally, and then financially. he’d done such a good job that friends and family thought i’d become a mouse. no voice, no self esteem. today i rejoice in the person i’ve become, particularly now that my sons and i are completely no contact. thank you chump lady, and chump nation xxxooo
Hi Fellow Aussie! I’m not as far along yet, having dumped for the second time in feb. What kept me stuck in hopium land was his impeccable image management. He never ever let that good guy mask drop for even a second. I went through d-day after d-day in total disbelief for 10 months after the first d-day. I kicked him out & started on the property settlement but still couldn’t reconcile the cheater he was with the persona he presented & took him back after 3 months. He confessed to being in another relationship but swore he’d changed and wanted another chance. He also confessed to cheating on his first wife & lying to me right from the beginning. I stayed though all these devastating revelations to get a decent property settlement thinking he was remorseful. It wasn’t until I realised I was being played yet again that I kicked him out again. I now know that he sucks and his gift for gaslighting is gold medal standard. The abuse I suffered during the relationship was so underhanded & so manipulative it makes me ashamed to remember it. He made me believe everything from open relationships, swinging and threesomes were healthy & good for our relationship. He used me & lied the whole time but I swallowed all this shit because of his impeccable image management. Now he’s going for the jugular in terms of property settlement & holding things up so he can dish out more abuse. Needless to say I’m not doing well. But at least I have a great lawyer
Hugs from kiwi land, ChumpDownUnder.
You are very early into your journey and probably still shellshocked. Add in this unbelievable virus and it’s no wonder you are struggling.
Well done on getting a good lawyer. Best advice I can give at this time is stay to busy, do things for yourself you deserve looking after and on the down low, hunt down every scrap of financial information you can lay your hands on. Become the FBI, Hell become Better than the FBI. The more information you can give your lawyer the better your position will be and if you do the leg work it will save you money.
Nothing is more satisfying that very quietly getting the upper hand with these sorts of people. Acting like you are above what he says eventually makes it a reality.
Take care
Faith: in marriage, in myself, in his deep down goodness, which I could of course awaken and confirm through sheer willpower and effort.
Terror: Of him, of handing of kids to him, of erasing 30 plus years, of being erased, of instantly making meaningless such a huge chunk of life.
Loyalty: To vows, to him, to the vision of family that meant so much, to pretty much everything but my own intelligence, discernment, and gut instincts.
Responsibility: To kids, to him, to the world. Maybe if I stuck around there could be some chance of protecting everyone from him, and of transforming him back into what I thought he was before, though of course he never was that person, and redemption was never a possibility.
Shock: Trauma, disbelief, sapped energy, survival mode, paralysis. Nobody could really be like that, right? But wrong, of course.
His skill: Took a very long time to get to concrete truths. I held tight to those, and once we were there, no skillful wriggling, intimidation, gaslighting, or DARVO dancing could get him out of the situation he made. Thank goodness.
These were the 2 that impacted me the most too…Shock & his skill
But also I have to blame RIC industry for crewing my head up even more!
After the complete shock of finding out my 25 yr marriage was to a serial cheater – I was almost completely numb for a year & massively confused. My head was a complete mess & conflicted – Then add in the RIC scenario when I picked me danced ( all against my gut feel because it made me feel I had to repair the marriage etc …) until Finally I found chumplady which finally helped to straighten me out!
Shock: Trauma, disbelief, sapped energy, survival mode, paralysis. Nobody could really be like that, right? But wrong, of course.
His skill: Took a very long time to get to concrete truths. I held tight to those, and once we were there, no skillful wriggling, intimidation, gaslighting, or DARVO dancing could get him out of the situation he made.
This is why I stayed with a person who seemed to dislike me and his marriage so much. Then when he texted me he wasn’t coming home and we found the evidence of all those years it made even more sense. The sun is out today, and I’m going to take a long walk.
I think in my case it was a slow break down of my self-worth and belief I deserved better. Abusers are manipulative and isolate their victims for better control. Mine took me to a different country where I didn’t speak the language and had no support of friends or family. By the time I got back stateside, 11 years laters, I was an empty shell afraid of my own shadow. It was a slow, painful process to build myself up again and get the strength to finally leave. It took eight more years before I filed for divorce. Church. Kids. Fear. So many things keep us stuck.
Over 20 years with an abusive, serial cheater. It’s still hard to fathom how I became a willing victim, but I also came from an abusive home, so I guess I thought that was normal.
CTTM, you never agreed to this abuse. To love and to hold – these are the vows. Anyone can become a victim to this kind of abuse but it’s good to see FOO dynamics for your future. Kudos on getting out everyone!
Germanchump- are you from Germany? My X was German and that is where we lived for 11 years.
Yes, I never agreed and one of the ways I got out was to love and forgive myself for getting into the mess. It wasn’t my fault, but there was something wrong with me that kept my in that situation. Once I dealt with that and knew I deserved better, I got out.
Yep. Would have been glad to offer support when you were out here. Maybe one day you’d want to make new memories. I reclaimed my favourite places over the last year around the world one by one.
Sounds wonderful and thank you. Probably more people would have supported me if I had the courage to speak up.
My oldest is living in Germany. He grew up there and feels more at home. I haven’t been back in 10 years, but it is such a lovely place.
I stayed thinking I was helping my kids. I never knew my father. I did all the child care, house repairs, yard work, holiday activities and his families connections of events. I was soo busy soo tired I never suspected. I thought he needed my strength because of his FOO issues. 99% of the time he was an entitled dick. Then he would love bomb. “ Nothing is real until I tell you”, “my world began when you loved me” etc. I didn’t know he was a narcissist. I didn’t know he was lying stealing money etc. I didn’t know I had value and things could be different. I married my mother and uncle. CL made so much sense I did a 180 so fast heads spun. Unfortunately, 46 years had passed by.
Fear of losing my family, losing my husband who I loved for over 35 years and knowing that my finances
would suffer. I denied the red flags for 2 years hoping his interest in the Owhore was just a phase he was going through. But when I caught them together the cruelty and humiliation they gave me was just too much to bare.
Now 4 years divorced I’m still struggling emotionally and financially but at least I’m free of the pain of betrayal. The Owhore died few years ago and he quickly moved into another woman’s house.
Loneliness is with me daily but I’m lucky to be alive after one of the cruelest heartbreaking times in my life.
1. Sunk costs.
2. Trust. I believed all the lies I didn’t know for a fact were lies, however improbable they were.
In hindsight I was, well, a complete chump. Red flags were everywhere, right from the first date. I thought walking on eggshells was normal because that was life in my FOO.
How can I get an invitation to the reddit?
Create a user name on reddit and then you can apply to be accepted at Chump Lady Nation reddit sub.
It’s a private group. Email Tempest if you have any issues.
THANK YOU! I’ve been hoping someone would explain that one of these days. I’m excited to finally join.
Awesome. And when you do get there, pop in to the live chat room to introduce yourself (click on the 3 dots —>(…)<— on the tool bar top right hand side). We are a lively group that's hanging out in real time — super cool for those 2am moments! Someone, somewhere in the CN world is awake and online ????
I am still waiting for the invitation.
I’ll check in with the mods and ask them to follow up and accept you.
I never saw an invitation but someone did add me to the reddit. So I am good to go. Thank you!
Thanks! I think I got it now.
Fear of losing him if I demanded _anything_, even an honest conversation
Belief that I was born unlovable and lucky to get even (cake) crumbs
“Nobility” of acting like a doormat
Facade of normal coupledom
He was handsome, smart, quirky, charming — much like Dad
(Long-term non-marital relationship, thank heaven no kids.)
Not wanting to be a failure, but not realizing, I wouldnt have been the failure he was from the beginning. He saw his father and his mother cheat through his whole childhood, so it was ok, I was over reacting. No I wasn’t.
Winner in the End: Mine from Day 1 of meeting stated how much he hated lying / cheating. That his mother betrayed his father. That he would never do such a thing. He would remark on other people cheating and scoff at them. He painted such a fine portrait of the upstanding, honest man who would NEVER do such a thing to his family.
Well, guess what? He lied and cheated. And then he went around and told everyone it was me. Of course he did!
He has major FOO issues. His mother did have extramarital affairs. He is angry at both of his parents, and woman in particular. So when he said he would never cheat on me, lie to me, what he meant was that he fully expected to do what he wanted, when he wanted, with whomever he wanted, and it was all deserved because of what his mother ‘did to him’ when he was a kid, and I better not question him one bit, and take ALL the blame for every action.
Can’t believe I tried to work with that for 17 years….well yes I can, because I had a covert narc for a father that specialized in withholding affection and a co-dependent mother who taught me how to jump through flaming hoops to try to gain attention and affection.
Being with him for almost 30 years and not wanting to blow up our family unit/destroy our children’s sense of “family”. I also truly believed, for a while, that his behavior was due to him being overcome with grief over his parents’ long battles with Alzheimers and their ultimate deaths. His weird behavior started when they got bad; got worse when they went to a nursing home, etc. We had done marital counseling and he even admitted he was probably depressed. Never once did I imagine during his “depression” and “grief” that he was setting up a new life without me.
Trying to avoid ripping the heart out of my children.
I realised by the second time it was who he was. But I really really didn’t want to bring such a blow to my young children 4 and 6 at the time.
Patience is not always a virtue. It took many hours of therapy to realize that was my Achilles heel. As a child, I spent five to six days a week waiting for my alcoholic father to come home. I was trained in extreme delayed gratification. So that was exactly what I did with No Change. I waited to the point of it breaking me mentally. As you can surmise from her tag line, it was futile. Combine that with an extreme level of Labrador loyal, I will wait for the tennis ball forever, and well, here I am typing to ya’ll almost at the four-year mark of original D day and 6 months divorced. Still, like today, feeling that wave of despair wash in. I am so ready for this to leave my head.
Bluedog65
Hey Bro. Those waves turn into still water then a babbling creek.
Beagle loyalty for me.
Is that your lab in the picture?
ML
That would be a Blue Lacy, thus my name. Not the sad, but the color. I put down my last one, Abilene, in the midst of all the chaos. She had the loyalty and patience of Job. I suppose it is time for another. Not sure why I am attempting to white-knuckle without a dog, but, I have been. Thanks brother for your comment. I have had a rough go of it as of late.
I lasted for two weeks after D-day. My main concern was how a divorce would impact the children, one of whom was still an infant. I didn’t know how I would manage to raise them on my own with my limited income and no help. I also felt practically murderous whenever I think about my ex and my former best friend and the life they would be able to have together. But I wanted to model for my kids that this is not how you treat your spouse, this is not what you should tolerate as a woman, and that I am not House staff/a whore to be used at his convenience. So I braced myself for the financial beating, fall in income brackets and status and the in evitable loneliness that was to come and pulled the trigger right around what would’ve been my 15th wedding anniversary. It still hurts like hell and I am especially lonely right now and very overwhelmed, but I know ultimately I did what I had to do.
Cakeless, I come here less regularly than I used to, but please know that I have thought of you often. Sorry to hear that you are currently overwhelmed, but I hope you and your kids are doing well otherwise. You might remember that I also have vision loss (though not as complete as yours), and as I navigate my days, I remember you talking about having peanut butter and jelly sandwiches picnics with your children at the park/playground, and I am in awe of your strength.
Best wishes, eirene (formerly ColdT-rk-y)
Cakeless–
Stay mighty. I’m in Traverse City. When the restriction are lifted, my son will head back to East Lansing and I’m glad to help–reach out. Three years out of a 25 year marriage. Wish I had gotten out in 2012 after first DDay.
You’re doing the right thing. Keep walking, because you will get there.
I did get out immediately after D-day. Within hours actually. However, I was stuck far too long when I should have left without airtight proof. Sunk costs and afraid of being alone (especially in bad health as I have a chronic illness).
The reason I was able to pull through immediately? I had been reading CL for a chump friend whose English wasn’t so great, for more than a year. I was completely shell-shocked but my autopilot told me, if anything follow your own advice. I had this great urge to not be a hypocrite like fuckwits.
The greatest mind-boggle was the thought of OW and my child leading a sick triangle weekend life. I decided I was not going to let that happen.So (against CLs and all advise) I went on a risky revenge and reputation ruining trip which worked out for me but could have ended the opposite. The world can be sure that OW will never seek out a married man again. But CN especially since your laws are different, don’t do as I did.
As for not letting him win, I turned the abuse around. Gaslighting and causing severe paranoia. I learnt from the best but be warned, it made my health deteriorate. Fuckwit had a narcisstic collapse, developed a rare auto-immunal disease and needed valium whenever his phone went off as I had staged a series of seemingly connected events. Price is that, of course, some people say, well German Chump is a wife from hell clearly. But still enough others left.
German chump: please please tell us more.
Seriously, I can’t go into details. I’m the only German Chump on this forum and also distinguishable by way of revenge which is just not provable. I’m a lawyer, ex is a lawyer. Ho-worker and ex operate in the conservative German legal system. Ex and family deep into the old-fashioned German church. They aren’t really into the forgiveness thing here and have strict legal procedures which are like a fourth tier of power. These dynamics combined with the special delusional and image-obsession of ex’s family of origin all worked together. Plus ex has a stick up his ass so he didn’t appreciate the saucy and embarrassing details of his affair being discussed. Whereas I have a potty mouth and explained clamydia to a judge who actually also had a potty mouth.
No contact and taking the high road remain the best and safest options. And going out and grab a real good life! Best revenge came by chance. Two months after D-day got myself a boyfriend half my age. Never told, he just sat on the porch when ex stopped by one day. Since ex likes to propagate the we’re still friends narrative, he gets all the details from the other moms at school on how cute, nice and fun he is. Oh and shouldn’t ex be glad it’s someone who’s so great with the kids. Ouch.
I so wanted to enact well planned revenge, but the stakes were too high for me to contemplate failure. So I took the high road. Zipped my lip, blocked all social media contact, and severely limited any contact with him, his family and friends.
The AP who moved in within months of me leaving stayed less than a year before bailing. Turns out XAss turned the abuse up to 11 for her. She tried to enact revenge. All her whistle-blowing with evidence, and who knows what all efforts she engaged in for quite some time after, got her exactly nothing.
My revenge is facing the fear that kept me from leaving years earlier – by proving him wrong. I am a good person. I can take care of myself and my son. I can enjoy a good quality of life that I provide through my own efforts and talent. And I know exactly what and who he is. And he knows it.
German Chump, I would really really like to hear more details about what you did to y po ur ex and the OW so I can feel the vengeance vicariously.
At first, hopium, for about a year.
Then habit/familiarity, for about a year.
Then to get through a loved one’s cancer and not-unexpected but devastating death without blowing up my routines and making myself less available to my loved one, also for about a year .
Within 3 months of that death, I was divorced. Terrible timing, financially devastating… Still the best life decision I’ve ever made. Truly.
**Losing the family unit and having my kids leave to see him every other weekend or whatever. It almost crushed me and thought maybe if wanting to die. And I wanted stability for my kids. I was still very much in love and shocked.
Despite all the progress I thought I had made on MY OWN FOO issues, I was still a Woman Who Loved Too Much.
We have a child. We have a business. We have a Marriage. He was a Nice Guy! He was sober and in recovery along with me! We had been going to therapy our entire relationship (27 years!) at my request to not repeat our parents’ very unhealthy marriages. I was completely blindsided. I truly believed, as did all our friends of 27 years, that he was not the kind of guy that would have affairs. I didn’t know what to do. Major investment so of course as a loyal and open minded person, totally in unfamiliar territory, I was willing to see if it could be repaired.
I quickly learned he is NOT a nice guy. He has been lying about his sobriety maybe forever. Hey, wait a minute. He doesn’t go to meetings. Doesn’t have a sponsor. Or hardly any friends. I am going to therapy now by myself. He lies. He breaks promises. Things he says do not add up. He HARDLY EVER IS ANGRY AT ME. That is NOT normal!!! He’s human and so am I; we are married….where is the anger? I guess he’s just super easygoing…..part of that Nice Guy thing….
I was in denial about a LOT. I wanted The Dream; a family in recovery, A successful business, a beautiful home. I thought I had amazing blessings that many people don’t get even one of.
Hey, why do you keep taking me house shopping, for 20 years, but there is always some reason we can’t get the house……
I was a squirrel with a nut and I didn’t know the inside was rotten.
I didn’t have a MARRIAGE. I had a MIRAGE.
Velvet, this really hit home with me. I feel like I could have written every line. I remember all his promises about a nice little home … and how he never gave me that. Even when we finally bought a house, he lost it in foreclosure without telling me until it was too late. He just wasn’t paying the mortgage, spending all the money on whores. I finally realized that he had no investment in the family.
“why do you keep taking me house shopping, for 20 years, but there is always some reason we can’t get the house”
Um, let me think… So he can go back later for no-strings-attached sex with real estate agents. Did you know that’s a “thing” some cheaters do? This is even a porn theme *and* a stock theme for kinky role play.
I’m sure that happens but the real estate agent was my close friend and no, not a cheating accomplice and I this is one thing I know for sure. He never wanted to buy another house with me because he was not invested in the marriage……
My fuckwit did this with land, its just future faking, as you are paying for it for years!!!!!!!
Reading everyone here today, I am struck by how willing we all were and the good reasons we were willing, in contrast to how
much the cheaters are unwilling and don’t care, as
well as the people who cheat with them.
If they can look in a mirror and like what they see, they will have to be Olympic gold medal mental
gymnasts, expert liars, deep deep deep in denial.
Big fan of your posts Velvet ❤️
“Major investment so of course as a loyal and open minded person, totally in unfamiliar territory, I was willing to see if it could be repaired.”
This is exactly how I felt along with abject terror and fear. Those things did not just keep me in the web of lies and deceit, they led to me being a major Hopium addict. For which I am in self imposed 12 step recovery for. Along with codependence. Now in full sober recovery for life beyond an abuser. This is my story. And it is just beginning.
Ditto what Velvet Chump said ????????????????????????????????
I was raised by narcissistic cheating alcoholic parents
He love bombed me on and off for 26 years
We were in recovery “together” …. he was never really sober — used drugs in secret while working with a sponsor, doing service work, speaking from the podium — for five years!!!!!
He manipulated and conned me
I did not trust myself or my intuition
We had 4 kids— one with serious mental health issues (turns out those were caused by learning of his serial cheating and he alternatively threatened and groomed her!)
26 years of sunk time/life/memories/costs/
My empathy for his “depression” “fog” “confusion” “midlife crisis”
My financial dependence
My terror
After 18 hellish pick me dancing frenzy weeks, I said GTFO! that was 5 years ago divorced 3.5 years now, no contact with that evil fool, at Meh — doing great!
MotherChumper99 & Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
You are both mighty and I look to your posts to get to Meh.
Thanks!!!
Keep at no contact, get divorced if you’re not. Within 3-5 years you’ll look back and wonder why you stayed one second longer. Your best years are ahead of you! I promise!
Thanks for the inspiration!!!
Met 1983, married 1993, DD1 2012, DD2 2017, he left and filed May 2017, divorce final May 2018, no contact since October 2018. Just starting to catch my breath and understanding about covert narcissism. Definitely brighter days ahead.
I do wonder why I didn’t leave much sooner, but can’t go back–only forward!!!
The fear of losing everything I worked for for over 20 years and having to start over. Thinking that it was just a “mistake” and everyone makes mistakes right? It’s a marriage, a commitment, till death do us part. Faithfullness is also a vow and it was no mistake. It was repeatedly intentional! Who sexts with the OW when their wife is in the house too! Only a fuckwit with no values, no morals, and a sense of entitlement! He thought there would be no consequences because he has never had to deal with any major consequences for bullying and verbally abusing other people his whole life. It’s worth starting over, but it is so hard to admit to yourself that everything you built for the last 20 years was built on lies and deceit. I didn’t want to believe it and that’s why I tried to forgive and save my marriage.
Fear and low self esteem
Fear of what others would think
Fear of failure
Fear of never finding another man
Fear of starting over
And then
I got mighty 🙂 and realized I would rather have one pair of shoes to my name than continue to be cheated on, gaslit, and mistreated.
I stopped chickening out and started saving
I slowly withdrew until the cheater decided it would be better if i left (not enough cake left in the kitchen i guess) Great idea! I had already been packing and stowing valuables at friends homes, anyway
Didn’t get a chance. Was dumped like in high school with him telling friends our 34 year marriage was over and he was NEVER coming back. The coward couldn’t face me. I know CL says it’s a blessing when they leave without looking back, but it didn’t feel like it. Thought we had the best marriage (yes he moved immediately in with younger AP). Still working towards recovery 2.5 years out and wish Tuesday would arrive.
It’s not a blessing, none of this is. Mine did the same, scorched earth break up but silly me stayed in denial for years. Been 4 years and my heart hurts when I write this. Never saw it coming. He never had the decency to say anything besides “I was bad to him”. Best relationship, best buddies, I live for the day he will come and ask for forgiveness, beg me to come back, the idea that it will never happen kills me and shreds me in pieces. I don’t see how can I recover from this. I thought that at least he would be afraid and ashamed of tarnishing his perfect image but I can see now I married a psychopath and I just can’t believe that this happened to me. When someone doesn’t even care about themselves or their image, forget it. They are so far gone that it’s scary to know you share kids with a monster.
I’ll admit I have fantasies of him trying to come back sometime in the future. I want that just so I can get the satisfaction of telling him no. I do take some teeny tiny satisfaction in knowing his life doesn’t appear to be all unicorns and rainbows despite getting dumped for I think someone who is a prettier and a lot younger than me.
It’s been 8 months since I’ve seen him. At that time he was healthy, nice tan, had no gray hair and was thin. My kids tell me his hair has turned totally gray, he’s got a beer belly (he drinks a lot now) and that he looks like death.
Same.
Mine too Justright
He just packed and left and I’ve never seen or heard from him in over a year .
He didn’t even turn up to get divorced !!
I hope everyone is right when they say the ones that just disappear have the slightly better side of a shitty stick but to me it’s just another kick in the teeth
Mine disappeared after a year and a half from dday and abandoned the kids in the process. It is just a different hurt not a better one.
THIS. My cheater literally said one word when confronted with the facts of his cheating (his girlfriend’s husband had swung by our house earlier in the day with stacks of text messages): Sorry. He never mentioned the affair again. He never hoovered or asked me to reconcile. He never blamed me, or yelled, or talked to me. It was as if I didn’t count, didn’t exist, didn’t matter. I’m still processing that. I let him set the bar lower and lower each of the 25 years we were married. It’s hard not to want to take up space and force him to listen to my voice after deliberately saying nothing for 25 years.
Yep…..got a text after 27 years and 3 kids. It was my fault…..I was too hard to talk to. I pray every day that his lies are exposed. Not meh.
The very charismatic man loaned a very huge chunk of my money for 3-4 months with interest.. As you can guess 3 years later no payback. I thought I could get it back if I stayed with him. He denied “cheating” even tho I had screen shots of him with another woman on FB, plus txtS with 2 other women. One even bought a wedding dress! I knew nothing about narcissism/sociopaths at the time. I was warned but it was too late. Now he is on to his new supply while I battle it out with him in a civil suit.
I was in shock. Yet, something deep inside me told me to play nice and get my turds in a row before doing anything. It took months of retaining professionals, following the money (what I could follow), making a plan and then dropping the bomb.
He could not believe I was going to divorce him. “Your lifestyle will change so much” is what he said to me! Well, we’re in the middle of the divorce and yes my lifestyle has changed. I no longer am being abused emotionally and financially.
It’s amazing how you can see things so clearly when you have distance. It’s frightening too. I’m just so glad I didn’t smoke that hopium pipe. If I had, I’d be stuck with him during this lockdown.
I was terrified of losing it all. I loved my life. I had everything, a wonderful husband (or so I thought), two gorgeous smart kids, a beautiful new house, a booming business. I thanked God for my wonderful life every day. When the bomb dropped, I was desperate, I didn’t want my perfect life to end so I covered it with industrial strength spackle and I never thanked God again.
My sense of self worth was completely entwined with him. We had been a couple for 18 years since I was 17. I couldn’t envisage being a separate person. He cheated on me before we were married and after we had children. I desperately wanted to split up but felt trapped, weak and pathetic. He finally left me for yet another OW the woman he’s now married to. This site didn’t exist 12 years ago so I had to be my own chumplady! Took me a month or so of crying feeling like a lost child to decide I was better than that. I fought for every penny and got the family home, a very good settlement and best of all my children 80% of the time. I went back into teaching which gave me a sense of self worth. I brought my now teenage children up which gave me a massive sense of achievement. I met and married a man who I love without being codependent.
Fear is a massive weapon used against chumps, but “Feel the Fear and do it Anyway”.
I Suspected but didn’t have proof as she was the queen of plausible deniability. I didn’t want to blow up a marriage Because of suspicion because I saw what divorce did to my sisters. Didn’t want to loose time with my kids. Low self-esteeme. I still loved her. But when I got proof I filed for divorce 3 1/2 weeks later.
Hope that it’s a mid-life crisis, hope that she’s mentally ill and only needs to get help, hope that… hope, hope, hope. And sheer fear at what my future would and would not be. Shock resulting in inertia for eight hellish months before I filed. Not that the hell stopped with divorce but at least I unstuck myself.
Same. Filed after 7 months.
David
“Shock resulting in inertia…”
Bingo.
My inertia was light speed.
Although I kicked him out on DDay, I should have left him along time ago. I was trying to save him. He was an alcoholic. A person I thought needed a lot of love because he suffered from low self -esteem due to his dad being very controlling/cheater and his mom being a passive agreesive person.
I used to think he was so naive, others used to talked bad about him behind his back and he knew this, but he would tried so hard to be liked by them. I decided I would be his advocate to try to open up his eyes about how those people didn’t have his best interest and I did (the famous pick me dance). I did this for 13 years.
He would constantly tell me he didn’t feel loved by me because I didn’t dress sexy enough. Or, because I wouldn’t allow him to have fun. Then, he would tell me “if you love me, you wouldn’t tell me what to do” I was constantly telling him to take care of his health, he was also a smoker, and to spent more time with our children, and to stay home on his days off instead of going out to the “Casinos” (pick-me-dance)
I didn’t leave sooner because I didn’t want to be a failure. My mother used to warned me about these type of people when I was younger. When she first met him she thought something was off and told me not to date him.
However, overtime he did should a good job showering my mom and siblings with compliments and gifts. During familt gatherings, he would also made sure to showed them and me how much in love he was with me. He was the “perfect” husband and I was the controlling wife.
I was afraid of what my family would think if I left the “perfect” man. I was so afraid of being a single mother. I was afraid of breaking up my family.
On Dday, I was angry that he would do that to our family. But that anger helped me put all his stuff outside our house for him to get the F out of my life.
It’s being 18 months since Dday, divorce is almost final. No contact, I still feel sorry for him. But I feel more sorry for how I picked me danced all those years and how allowed him to conned me. It turns out he is gay, but more shockingly, he had been cheating on me since day one with multiple women all because, in his own words, “likes dirty sex.”
Life goes on.
So he’s gay, but screws women too? That makes him Bi-sexual, not gay. But yeah, get him out of your life. It’s a wonder you haven’t picked up numberless STIs.
I had been completely blindsided. I thought my husband was a kind and good man who was overworked and going through something. I grew up in a “broken home” and was DETERMINED to create the kind of childhood for my children I wished I had had. I only danced for a month (cooked favorite meals every night, bought all new underthings….barf) because he left. When I look back he always had been a shit husband and father. He was NEVER home and never went to any of the kids’ events or important things–none, no parent-teacher conferences, no performances or competitions, nothing. Sat at things like birthday parties on his phone. But he was A DOCTOR and so stressed out and WORKED SO HARD and SAVED LIVES. Barf. Turns out he had TWO gym memberships, arranged his schedule so he had a TWO HOUR break every day to take ju jitsu and have sex. Many of his overnight shifts were probably fake because pay never match up. I bought it all. I hoped it would get better when the kids left for college, but the idea of questioning any of it WAS NOT AN OPTION.
Shit pulmafool it’s like we had the exact same husband. As painful as it was to lose him I’ll never forgive him for missing out on all those things my daughter did at school and extracurriculars. He actually said once that parent teacher conferences were worthless and he hated the low production value of school performances (as if they were there for his entertainment).
What kept me stuck after D-Day?
(1) I’d been married twice previously. Didn’t want to admit I had a broken picker.
(2) My divorce to husband #2 was difficult for our child. Then I had another daughter with husband #3 and didn’t want to divorce her dad and force her to have to cope with this too. Why should my fuckups keep having to weigh on my children.
(3) I figured that I wouldn’t trust ANYONE after this since he was the person I trusted most, and it was a case of “better the devil that you know.” (I had not yet thought of the fact that I really don’t need a devil at all.)
(4) I was immobilized with shock and grief.
(5) I was amidst severe clinical depression that had not been diagnosed yet. My coping-with-life skills were pretty broken.
(6) I was dealing with severe stresses at work, eroding my confidence and sense of security. I wanted to stick my head in the same about my broken marriage.
(7) My older daughter had run away from home & a college scholarship four years earlier when she turned 18. I desperately didn’t want to make my younger daughter so unhappy that she did anything similar.
(8) I feared that I had been the one to push my husband away. (I got over this.)
(9) We were in severe financial trouble and I didn’t see a way to afford starting over.
(10) My self-esteem was at a lifetime low.
Oops, that should be “head in the SAND,” not “head in the same. Derp!
Ugh – had a nervous breakdown after looking at all of his masturbation pictures on his computer. I could tell by the background of the photos that this had been going on a very long time. My brain just couldn’t compute. I also believed that he was remorseful by the tears and the talk of sex addiction. My brain was mush and I couldn’t make a decision. He expressed so much remorse and gratitude that he was caught – he said I saved his life. It took some time to heal from the trauma and see more clearly. Once you see the truth – narcissist, pathological liar, master manipulator, no chance of change — it is easy to make the decision.
I had no self confidence. He was older, I thought he was something special. He wasn’t, he was then and is to this day a sparkly turd. I finally left after two children and 14 years, I didn’t get the settlement I should have because I agreed to so much just to get away from him. My life worked out. It’s been 10 years now, I still go back and retrace my steps as to how I ever ended up with him. I have to figure the biggest blessing was two great kids, but he’s a total tool. Text book narcissist. I’m ashamed of the games I played to keep him. All of the time spent on detective work. The fact that I never thought I deserved a real love and commitment, that I settled for freaking table scraps. When I say my prayers at night I count my blessings that I got out, that I built a life I love. When I look back at who I was I wish I had stronger role models and influences who would’ve helped me smell the rat he was.
I loved him. He was my best friend (so I thought.) I was happy, and I loved our life and our home together.
Fifteen years together and we just got divorced last month after I found out about his 3rd affair. What makes it worse is that this time he left ME claiming true love with this other person. I’m a total chump.
Refusing to believe he did not love me. Thinking something else was involved ~ mid life crisis, identity crisis, quitting drinking ~ the list goes on.
After all he asked me not once but 7 times to marry him. The 7th time during a thunderstorm promising me he would always be there for me and professing his love for me ~ saying that I was the love of his life.
I mean who does that and all the time cheats?
I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. Still can’t. But now divorced almost 4 years, I don’t even try.
I stayed because I had taken a vow “to God” (not the dick) that I would be with the dick till death do us part, better or worse. Of course having children and grandchildren just reinforced my decision because “if grandma and grandpa got divorced”, then it would be easier for others to do the same rather than work out their problems. But that was all before I understood narcissism and that I was dealing with a total dick. He had me gaslighted for years. I went through the gamut of possible reasons he was so distant. Was he depressed? Was he going through a mid-life crisis? Was it me? Didn’t I show that I appreciate him enough? After a while I finally had to ask God forgiveness and say “I’m sorry Lord. I cannot stay with the dick any longer.” And I believe God was okay with that. I have been exceedingly blessed since the dick is no longer in my life. And the biggest blessing is that I am at peace. I am no longer dealing with drama. And I no longer have a liar and a cheater in my life.
Fear of the pain, unable to believe a human was capable of behaving that way, timing, I was too tired to do anything about it, and RIC bullshit.
24 years of sunk cost. 4 kids who I mistakenly believed needed an “intact” family. No retirement savings of my own, and an income that was only 1/3 of my cheaters. Fear that I would end up living in a cardboard box with my shattered kids. Shame at having to admit to others I failed at marriage. And wanting — desperately, foolishly — to be a unicorn who was able to win back my man through the force of my pure and unwavering love (gag!). Mostly it was fear that I could not manage life on my own, that I really was as inadequate and inferior as my cheater told me I was.
Eventually, like most of us, I got to the point where the cardboard box was more appealing than life with the cheater, and got myself out. And I was OK after all! That hardest part was the leaving, and everything after that has been a pretty steady trip forward to peace of mind.