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‘I Want to Blast Them on Facebook’

Dear Chump Lady,

I just found out after 5 or 6 years of absolute insane digging (mental breakdowns, trips to rehabs, gaslighting to the extreme, abuse that would cause anyone to want to kill themselves) that my dear darling husband’s side piece is no other than my fucking NEIGHBOR!!!!! I was on here about a year ago with the voice recorder fiasco and that was a dud. He gaslighted some more!!! The way I found I won’t even write because that in itself it absolutely NUTS!

Thank God right now I am out of state because I just might have wound up in jail for unspeakable crimes. When the insanity first started the thought of my husband even talking to another woman would drive me MAD let alone kiss touch or have sex. At this point I really feel like the bitch has done me a favor. I am so over him.

However, the rage I am feeling right now is the betrayal towards my children, my wellbeing, my finances — this bitch literally was stalking me, she was my friend. Now I think back about the questions she would ask me OMG I am so, so sick. I haven’t let on to them that I know, but holy shit. It’s bad. It’s been going on for like 5 to 6 years. She would babysit for my son. My kitchen window literally is right under her window. She’s my husband’s little bitch spy. I always envisioned a beautiful woman, she’s a sleestak. Gross horrible, I’m so grossed out, horrified!

I am lining up all my ducks. I cannot go back into that house. There is no way I can, I will go to jail. I want to know what happens if I blast them on Facebook, what they have been up to behind my back, if I don’t name names, last names what is my liability? They do not get to walk away Scott free.

What they did to me is domestic violence. My husband would bait me, make me flip out, videotape me, and then I guess they would have a little chuckle and then fuck. I can’t even believe the abuse that I have withstood. Really, I want to know what is the liability if I do that. The whole neighborhood knew anyway probably. Because this kind of abuse should not go unpunished. I need to gather my tribe now. My husband thinks I’m his property and I’m going to eat this shit sandwich and I’m going to like it. Not happening.

Please any advice will be appreciated. I don’t even think rage is the right word for what I’m feeling. HELP.

NoMore

Dear NoMore,

Your first order of business is getting away from their sick triangle. Do NOT out them on Facebook.

I know you’re reeling from the trauma of this discovery, but right now you’re in the power seat — you know, and they don’t know you know. This means you can line up your ducks without interference.

Why can’t you make Sleestak Twu Wuv memes and tag them?


Well, aside from the fact that sleestaks look like radioactive guppies and no one wants the particulars of sleestak romance, you need to FOCUS. Don’t do anything now that can bite you in the ass later.

Every time your itchy trigger finger wants to hit “Post” — imagine everything will be dragged in front of a family court judge. And, divorcing a fuckwit, it will be. So have clean hands.

I want to know what happens if I blast them on Facebook, what they have been up to behind my back, if I don’t name names, last names what is my liability? 

They will malign you as batshit crazy. Do NOT assist them with that narrative. No matter how baited you are, no matter how unjust the entire situation is (and it is crazy unjust!), prepare for legal battle with a cool head.

You have a minor child. You’d think it would be a slam dunk that in a toss-up between you and a cheating POS, you’d be on top. But you cannot bank on that. You’re in a high-stakes poker game of impression management.  Feelings, pain — it’s all finite. Take the long view. You want a proper settlement, and you want primary custody. So…

Take all these emotions and redirect them.

Rage = fuel to get you through this.
Grief = determination to not let a couple of fuckwits destroy you
Revenge = they never see your grief, they’re only handed consequences

This is how you take your power back. For 6 years, you’ve been their whipping post. They’ve conspired against you and delighted in your humiliation. When the emotion gets overwhelming (I so get it) FOCUS ON THE DUCKS. Make lists. Make calls. Plan. Document. LEAVE.

Don’t announce it. Certainly don’t post your intentions on social media. Gather your support tribe and DO IT.

You’ll feel a lot more in control after you’ve talked to a lawyer.

They do not get to walk away Scott free.

They get to walk away being shitty people. Sleestaks! That’s their punishment. I’m not saying don’t tell people what they’ve done, I’m saying be strategic about it. Does this HELP you right now, or does it HURT you?

Things may be very different on the other side of divorce and custody rulings. But in this moment, as you’ve just had the mother of all D-Days, don’t lead with sloppy grief and vengeance.

Trust me, people in their social circle know what they’ve been doing, and those people are not your friends. Anyone who kept this from you, is not someone you need in your life. (And they won’t be horrified by the news.)

People who didn’t know, don’t need to hear it on Facebook. Right now, be a cipher. Block his friends/co-conspirators. No portals into your life through social media or your kitchen window. Just focus on getting to the other side with your sanity intact.

Please don’t feed the sleestaks.

((Hugs))

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I will also say that if you feel the need to vent, come do it here with us. I definitely understand the desire to want to yell in a private message to friends, but if you don’t know who’s on Team You, that could be risky.

    • (Maybe in the more private forums, though – already a lot of public detail here, and the cheater and AP seem pretty damned sneaky.)

      • Yes , I joined the Facebook page but I won’t post there, my full name is there so I don’t feel safe I actually think I’m going to ask to be removed just to be safe. I’m so happy I emailed first before I did anything. I would have been in a big boatload of craP

    • Yes , I joined the Facebook page but I won’t post there, my full name is there so I don’t feel safe I actually think I’m going to ask to be removed just to be safe. I’m so happy I emailed first before I did anything. I would have been in a big boatload of craP

      • This is horrible. I thought I had it bad (Cheating during my chemo for years) but the only thing I think could be worse is if it had been with a friend. It has destroy your trust in anyone ever and it’s truly diabolic. Like they are deranged lunatics.
        Facebook is too obvious and easy revenge wise. It’s fun to think of these things but like everyone else says you have to see the longer term bigger picture – get out with all you can with a lot of smart intelligent planning and in the long run the truth about their disgustingness will be told.

    • I have a question, every time I try to calmly explain myself he winds up literally raging on me. What if I record him. Is that legal. I need to prove what is going on also.

  • Looking back, I SO wished I’d let KK continue her fuckwit behavior for another couple of weeks, while I documented and gotten my legal and financial ducks in a row. I sometimes fantasize now about what her reaction would have been had I suddenly served her with divorce papers, informed her that my paycheck was now going to be deposited in my own account and that I’d be taking over all of the bills, etc.

    Document every objective, indisputable FACT that you can — they will speak louder (and carry more weight in front of a judge) than any online venting you feel like doing right now.

    If indeed they don’t know that you know, you now have the upper hand.

    And this part is absolutely 100% true: From this point forward, until the divorce is finalized, act and speak as if the court’s eyes are on you at all times. That does not mean “give in”or put up any false fronts (for your kids, or whoever); it does mean acting mighty, not taking any more shit, etc.

    • I did this…at light speed…within a day (or so)of finding out he was cheating I consulted a lawyer, downloaded his emails to/from schmoopie, transferred half of our savings to a secret account… and kicked him out of the house. Ducks.in.a.row. I didn’t let him catch his breath until the divorce was over. He didn’t know what hit him. DO NOT LET THEM KNOW YOUR INTENTIONS. The best Revenge is a life well lived….without them.

      • I did this, too, at the excellent advice of an acquaintance, and it made ALL the difference. Each case is individual, but it’s 100% true for me that it went better because he didn’t have time to plan.

        (Also, I didn’t try to get anything “from” him, I just targeted the getting out as priority 1 and that was a critical part of keeping things rapid. I was willing to leverage all of the “things” he wanted at a personal loss to give him the sense of winning and control that he needed so I could get out of the entanglement. It was worth every loss.)

        • Let me add — letting her “continue her fuckwit behavior” would have meant allowing her to bring the Carrot Singer into our home while the kids were at school, and a whole host of other things that are equally as humiliating.

          It’s easy to say now that I wish I’d done it as I describe above. At the time, I was in no condition to be as calculating/rational about the best path forward for ME.

      • When I stealth discovered the cheating, I got so organised I was able to change the locks after he went to work, and have his clothes (only the cruddy things) delivered in garbage bags to his office building reception desk. His better stuff was on its way to Africa by way of the local donation bin by the time he clocked what was up.

        It takes a ton of courage to suck it up and save the schadenfreude for later. You don’t need to spend valuable time outing the cheaters. Better to ensure Your Own Financial Future as others say, by emptying your half of joint accounts, getting all his financial records copied and stored elsewhere, and gathering evidence that will stand you in a good position as per a lawyer’s advice. Anything you do that constitutes revenge will be held against you and your child. Save your tricks for a lot later, then you will be less emotional and won’t end up in jail for homocide…And never assume that anyone besides you gives a sweet whoopee who he is farking.

        Just know that your friends here on CN are sympathetic, we wish you well and know you will be strong enough to go high when they go low.

        I waited five years to serve cold revenge, but none of it was criminal, just finely designed to deliver the gut punch at an optimum time. My cheaters are now on the rocks and I sit back every day silently toasting their downfall.

      • At this point I just want to provide a stable life for my son, revenge can wait. I’m so over his bullshit. Maybe I’ll feel different tomorrow. I probably will. This is horrible

        • Yes this is so horrible because they did this. They suck. You are mighty and worthy. I’m sorry you had to join our nation but we welcome you.

        • You know what’s really good revenge? A generous divorce settlement, a new home for just you and your child where you can practice being the Sane Parent, a new life.

          Betrayal is so, so unfair. I get it!! But you MUST think long-term. These people have stolen enough from you. It’s time for you to now fight for you and your kid.

          And the absolute BEST way to get revenge on narcissists is to sucker punch. Seriously, don’t tip your hand. The element of surprise is the best weapon you have. Often, you hit them so hard with it that they don’t recover.

          So, lawyer up. Save documents. And for god’s sake, do it SECRETLY.

      • Seriously. Tell NO ONE. Except your lawyer. Then strike hard and fast with good legal advice.

  • Impression management. Let your solicitors talk for you. Best thing I ever did was letting my barrister speak for me because they know how judges receive information more effectively. It does not come naturally to let someone else speak for me, I am a bit toe-y in defending my honour but it was the most effective weapon. The SAS dont announce “oh yeah, we are headed to this danger zone and we’re kicking arse and taking names and here’s exactly how we are going to do it”. They keep their counsel, trust their team and get stuff done.

    • What you said. Let your lawyer do the talking. You’re paying a lot of money for legal services, so don’t make your case harder (and more expensive) than necessary.

      NEVER post anything on Facebook that you don’t want used against you in divorce court.

    • My ex also cheated on me with a friend (not my neighbor, but from the way she cruised by my location all-day one she monitored my location more than a neighbor.)

      1) Get a vicious, kick-butt attorney who will have your best interest at heart every step of the way!!! You need a SHARK! Mine was a great guy–to me. To my ex–my attorney terrified him!

      2) TRUST NO ONE…at first. Keep your own counsel or vent here. Dear friends I thought had my back turned out to be moles for the enemy. Everything I shared with them quickly made it back to my ex and his schmoopie. Eventually, you can build your tribe, but as long as you need the element of surprise on your side, remember that loose lips sink ships.

      3) Accept on the front end that you will lose money and beloved possessions. I ended up with just about all our material possessions (because schmoopie had nicer things), but that stuff was hard to move and eventually felt physically AND emotionally heavy. Over the years I’ve managed to replace every single thing we had together and by then I didn’t want one bit of it. It would have saved me time and money and effort to just have let it go on the front end. So know that if you lose an item in negotiation, it’ll be okay. Getting away as quickly and efficiently as you can is your goal!!!

      4) Know that some people will believe whatever they spin or will stay chummy with them because those people are probably doing the same. People who don’t have your back don’t deserve your energy. Block them from your life in every way you can and leave them behind. You’ll get new friends. Trust me.

      5) As soon as you can, block your husband and his schmoopie on social media. You might want to look, but you’re better off not seeing that kind of nasty.

      Big Hugs!

      • This is fantastic advice. I blocked them on social and it has helped to soothe my mind (although its hard to squash the curiosity sometimes). It didn’t help that they have a hashtag for their affair which they blast all over social media. I know its for the best as occasionally people sent me screen shots of the ex’s social and they are very upsetting – so better for my mental health to have no contact. I am struggling now with the people who I thought were my friends who defend my stbx and his schmoopie and believe every lie they put out there. The best advice “People who don’t have your back don’t deserve your energy. Block them from your life in every way you can and leave them behind”. It can be tough in a small community but actually self – isolation is making this easier right now. I am just working on focusing on being me and enjoying the true friends and family who are on my team. We wasted enough of our lives on the lying cheats…time to live.

        • Ophelia, you’ve learned these lessons much quicker than did I. I was from a very small town, too–but I moved as far away as I could get so I didn’t have to bump into them or any of their apologists in the grocery store.

          The temptation is great to look to see what they’re doing, but my greatest healing came when I stopped that. I put a Countdown App on my phone and I know exactly how many days it has been since I looked. My not wanting to break my streak keeps me strong!!! It actually gives me a great sense of satisfaction knowing that schmoopie (once a friend of mine) posts things she knows would hurt me–but I NEVER see them.

          Sending you a big (socially distanced) virtual hug!

          • Big Hug to you too!!! The Countdown App is a good idea – thanks for that. I feel the same that I know they are smearing me and being petty on social but I don’t see it so no stress 😛 My main issue right now is I am living half a block from them (it was the only apartment I could find in a hurry). So I do see them and I also see what they are doing to my ex-house. (Shmoopie moved in after I left) I enjoyed my gardens and they cut down all the tress and pulled up all the flowers I planted. Its just petty and spiteful but still hurtful. They also like to put my items out with the garbage to the curb. I am working on getting to meh on this issue but might have to wait until my lease is up and I can move. I don’t let him know it bothers me as I think he would get off on that.

      • I don’t care about any of the “stuff”. Just the sentimental stuff. I’m going to try and get it out of the house when I get back home and he’s out at work but the bitch might tip him off. I’m so freaking stressed it’s crazy. I might just have to leave everything behind for now. I’ve rebuilt my life before and I know I’ll do it again. I don’t want to stay in that home it’s haunted and obviously the bitch has access right inside. Just want to leave safely. It dawned on me today that I could’ve been one of those wives that wound up found on the side of the road . I’m just so thankful for you guys, you’ve all been a lifesaver.

        • I managed to control my urges for revenge with the help of a therapist who kept telling me “Keep your karma clean. He will get his without help from you.” (Years later I can tell you she was SO RIGHT!). As CL recommends here, I used that energy to focus on lining up the ducks for a clean exit and break.

          One thing I did do early on that was very helpful in lining up the ducks was to go get a Post Office box in my own name, and start directing important personal mail to it. I also went to a different bank and opened a checking account there, tied to the new PO box and to a new email account. You can do those things right away, then you are ready when it’s move out time. Also give some thought to your credit rating. I applied for a new credit card (again to the new PO box and email address). One thing I missed doing, and that cost me quite a lot of money, was calling the credit card companies for the joint accounts and putting a freeze on them. This you will want to talk to your lawyer about, but don’t forget to do it.

          • Every time I try to calmly express myself to him he framing rages on me. What if I record him. Is that legal. Any advice. I am being majorly abused. On all fronts. Would appreciate any advice. Thanks

            • I cannot record him without his permission. My state law forbids it. So check where you live. If you say I’m going to record you and then start with his permission that’s legal here.

              They are masters of the game sometimes. How they know all the rules, IDK. Sometimes I think they just are lying to see what they can get away with themselves. BE CAREFULL. Document document document any harassment.

    • The funny part is, letting lawyers speak for you drives a narcissist crazy. Disordered people LOVE a fight. Nothing thrills them more than you taking the fight to Facebook (or the affair partner’s front lawn). It makes them feel special.

      When you say nothing? And you just hire a lawyer to speak for you? They HATE it. Your silence tells them that they don’t matter. It drives them pure bugshit. I’ve seen it happen again and again. You can set your watch to it.

      So the beauty of lawyering up is it not only protects us, it also gets better revenge than anything we could ever say to the fuckwit.

  • NoMore,

    Please (PLEASE) work on the assumption that anything that you put on Social Media or in communication with them (email/text etc) is going to end up in front of a Judge. If it can be used to enhance their narrative, then they will exploit it ruthlessly and to your detriment.

    Two of the best bits of advice that I got from my solicitor were – firstly – to always imagine how anything that I communicated (directly or indirectly) to my Ex (or indeed about my Ex) would play out in court (and that’s where we ended up) and – secondly – to never hit “send” or “post” whilst my hackles were up. This kept me on the moral high ground (and helped me get a much better settlement as a result), as well as helping keep me sane by avoiding getting drawn into her BS.

    “Never wrestle with a pig; they enjoy it and you’ll just end up covered in mud.”

  • I was thinking… We always imagine that the ow /om must be better than we are. It’s the only way it can make sense M who goes for worse?
    But we should rememebr that cheating is a character flaw and the cheater as such is not likely to chose better in terms of character looks etc.
    Believeing that they will shows that chumps still see cheaters as decent people with good judgement.

    • Most disordered cheater types, have married up! They crave the stability and kindness we bring to the craziness inside their minds. When they’re looking for an AP, of course it’s an equally messed up person! And sometimes, that shows on the outside, too.

  • I’m usually on the slash and burn /scorched earth team however in this case that could be problematic . This affair has all the makings of a 60s spy movie . The length of time that has been involved and the subversion by “Double Ho 7” babysitting and looking in though the window as well as gaining your confidence has given them ample time to contrive a narrative . As we all know talk is cheap if the story is good they attempt to make you look like a nut job ( I’m expert at being one). Don’t fall into the magic mirror of Alice in Chumpland . Hold your head high and your dignity higher , they want you to look bad, the fraud neighbors that knew what was up are now making popcorn for the D day shit show they expected . They can fuck off too! Move along folks nothing to see here. I wish you peace…but let karma do its job on its own

  • Agree 100% with those that say don’t post. I am still struggling with not outing them on social but glad I resisted. It is particularly hard to not react to the smear campaign they launched against me (I am a crazy selfish alcoholic). However the way for me to show that their smear campaign is all lies is to be calm, cool, and professional. You can never “un-post” anything from social and if you post in anger you may have regrets. I know I sent messages in anger that I now regret – as they gave him insight and ammunition and he enjoyed that I was upset. You are strong – you are the better person. When you need to vent use this forum, find a friend, or journal like hell.

    • DO NOT POST ON FACEBOOK.

      Period. It always ALWAYS backfires on the chump. If anything, you say nothing because silence in the face of their impression management is the classiest “Fuck you” there is.

      Plus you do not want your child at any age, to read what you feel like writing. It’s also potentially “parental alienation” and yes I’m a lawyer.

      Do NOT post about him. Once your ducks are in a row (and not a second before) you can change your name or place of address or marital status, but you never comment…

      it speaks volumes.

      When my wasband posted about finding the love of his life (3 weeks after we began our “trial separation”) HIS friends and our mutual friends reached out to ME and never, ever saw him the same.

      I said nothing.

      I’m friends with all of them…he’s not. He has his new world built on lies I guess, and without our 3 adult children…and schmoopie either likes it that way (more moolah for her) or believes whatever the hell he tells her about me turning the adult kids against him.

      But I’m fairly confident that when NONE of the adult kids EVER visit or call a divorced parent, it might not be due to the “crazy evil ex”.

      If you post angry comments on FB, then you fuel his shitty narrative and he can AND WILL point to that as his justification for being a piece of crap.

      ABOVE ALL

      ***Do not fuel their narrative. Counter it with behavior that a woman of strength and dignity exhibits, AND nail him in court.

      • Spot on. Saying and doing nothing is far more powerful than letting them have it verbally. Plus going the verbal route is never quite satisfying. Which is why you rarely see just one FB post of someone going verbally after their cheaters. The posts tend to be frequent and far too many. You can give it to them with both barrels, it will never be enough and the cheaters will lap it up. If you go about your life with no mention of them or anything to do with what they did, it will annoy them at the very least.

    • Ophelia, the smear campaign against me had me pegged as a crazy alcoholic too. Playbook 101, I suppose. It’s tough to ignore, but that’s what I’ve done. Also, living well is the best revenge.

      I know my actions will eventually speak louder than my ex’s words.

      • “. .. the smear campaign against me had me pegged as a crazy alcoholic too.”

        Yep, me too.

        The fucker actually stated on his Form E that me being an alcoholic was the main reason the marriage broke down”.

        Must be one of the footnotes in the cheater playbook! 😂😂

        • Not so sure that it’s a footnote; more a Chapter Heading.

          My Ex-Wife (an alcoholic amongst other things) told everyone who would listen that I have a drink problem because I am pretty much tee total. The reason I very rarely drink (and would never drink around her), was that it made dealing with her drunken BS easier.

        • My serial cheating ex had the nerve to list domestic abuse as the reason for our divorce – insisted I was beating him, not even his attorney took the believed him in the end but ho-worker lapped that story up like cream so she could see herself as a good person who was rescuing him (while cheating on her husband and breaking her little kids hearts) rather than a cheating skank.

          • Yes, I actually am
            In recovery and my husband videotaped me in let’s say uncompromising situations. I could only imagine the stories. Now I am
            On solid footing and plan to keep it that way. Holy shit. You guys are really a god send.!

            • You’d be surprised how many in Chump Nation are with you on that. Yet another poop patty on the platter. Keep in mind: “Gosh darn it, confound it, by Jove, dash it all, they’re not robbing me of my sobriety!”

      • Wow… there must be a full chapter in the cheater playbook on this.

        Fuckwit accused me of being an alcoholic for years sometimes directly, but mostly just some weird passive aggressive manner, veiled comments, suggestions, hints. For example, one time he announced that we won’t be having any drinks for a month for some cause or other and then acted shocked that I couldn’t care less about drinking. Kept asking me if I’m craving, implying that I should be. It’s almost like he was trying to gaslight me into believing that I’m an alcoholic somehow even though I barely ever drink and have never been a drinker. Looking back it was creepy the way he went at it, pathological.

        Eventually he gave up trying. Guess I wasn’t very good at being brainwashed like that.

        • That is scary creepy. I hate that covert shit! And then they can act all innocent, and say- I don’t know what you mean?

        • Hahaha…mine did the exact same thing!!

          And I am a totally healthy low-volume drinker… maybe go a few weeks without any booze just because whatever

          Happily tip back 3 or 4 beers and get a little buzzy at a BBQ on a Sunday with the kiddos…but then nothing for a few weeks… a glass of wine at a client dinner 5 days later, but would decline after dinner drinks because I had an early workout or whatever

          …literally a picture of normal alcohol consumption

          But WOW did she always act like I was some kind of white-knuckle drunk just barely able to hold it together without sweet, calming booze every 5.7 days

          It was so absurd that I was able to laugh about it even as it was happening: I would ask her, “Babe, google alcohol abuse and tell me where my 2 drinks a week falls, okay?”

          And she would always get this incredulous look on her face and say “We’ll, I’m allowed to HAVE an opinion”

          as if I had just killed a puppy or something, rather than simply asking her to look at some data & tell me what she sees

          #freaks

          Stay mighty!

    • “You can never “un-post” anything from social and if you post in anger you may have regrets.” THIS! Giving them any insight into your inner world is like taking poison. Best to resist and instead freeze them out. And, for the most part, anyone who believes the terrible things they say about you is not really worth your time (barring some kind of seriously wicked character assassination that threatens your job or custody).

  • The most powerful thing that you can do is whenever you send it communication is put into your head “how do I want this to look like in court. “

    This puts you in a position of power and also in the mighty restraint you were going to need, as CL said whatever you communicate will end up in court… Whether it’s via email or post it on social media

  • My heart breaks for her, I know what it feels like to just find out about the OW and connect all the dots as to why you’ve been feeling off-balance for so long. I had multiple D-Days and should have left after the first one. The last one was by far the worst, two days after Christmas. It was a very difficult time.

    Chump Lady is right. Posting on social media, buying a billboard and putting their faces on it with the words cheater and homewrecker under it, email blasting all your mutual friends and family, it won’t change anything. Her husband will just use it as reason for his actions, claiming his wife was crazy and hard to live with. I know it’s hard to feel like they are getting away with it all, but letting go is part of your healing.

    Let them have each other, gather your things and go to your new safe zone. Let your new place be your serenity. Call those friends and family that will support you. Go for walks and listen to the wind in the trees and know that those that have passed away are with you through it too. When I went through mediation, I imagined grandpa was sitting next to me along with my uncle. It helped.

  • NoMore, yes, this is a triple betrayal. Husband, neighbor, *friend* (ha ha, pardon me while I puke). It sucks. They suck. If you weren’t a mother, if you don’t mind doing hard time, it would be fine — or at least understandable — to flip into full-psycho mode. But you have kid(s) to think of. Please take all the excellent advice. It is so hard, so so hard, but you must be the sane parent. Because you’re the only sane parent in the picture. Get your ducks in a row. Be silent and sneaky about it. Make this your mantra: Sane parent, trust that they suck.

    • Another mantra: revenge is a dish best served cold (by revenge I mean getting those two turds out of your life and get a good financial deal for yourself and your children).

      Beware, he knows how to bait you and what to do to make you look crazy and he’ll certainly continue to try. And you’re highly strung and are falling for it. Stay cool, composed and away from Facebook. Come and rant here as much as you want.

      • This is so true. I get how they bait us then advertise our responses… that was almost a bigger betrayal than the sex.

        I was SO incensed in the moment and tempted to do all that dramatic crazy shit you see people do, but I didn’t and it benefitted me.

        My situation was very different and doesn’t compare but I got the opportunity to send OW a very casual text telling her that Cheater was dead.

        Cheaters sister who was a shrew to me for years got the best plate of cold revenge I have ever served anyone ever.

        Keep your shit in a bucket and it will help you greatly in the near and distant future.

        • I would love to send HoWife a message that Asshat delivered the divorce paperwork just to TRY to initiate sex—NOT. And also that Asshat is in Instagram communication with first Whore.

          So……..he hasn’t changed & I trust that he sucks. I’m letting her figure it out. Last thing I want is for Asshat to blame me for the failure of his second marriage. He’s already told everyone I’m a raging alcoholic and was mean to him. Whatever!

  • According to what I read, cheater scumbags still think you haven’t the slightest idea about their affair. If so this could be useful. I gather your husband is one depraved, sick man and he’s found a reject that will go along with his agenda. Take care.

      • NoMore, I mentioned in another comment that you now have to think long-term (lawyering up, getting a generous settlement, building a new life).

        Karma can be long-term, too. I know that’s VERY unsatisfying right now. You just found out, you want blood, I get it.

        But remember, these people suck, and two sucky people can’t build a good life together. Eventually, they’ll screw each other over. Assholes can’t get character transplants.

        I mean, look at what each of them is “winning”: a cheater! A liar! A disloyal sociopath with no moral compass! They’re each so entitled and delusional that they think the other one won’t do it to them. How deluded can one get?

        Fun story: I had an uncle who was a real POS. Liar, thief, con artist. Abused my grandma, racked up debt on her credit cards that he never paid off. Somehow, he found a gullible girlfriend who was just as big a POS as he was. On his way out the door to move in with her, he stole Grandma’s silver. Nothing was too low for this guy.

        Anyway, he felt quarantine was beneath him so he only got a year of fake happiness with the girlfriend before COVID killed him.

        I’m just saying, bills always come due. You can’t make shitty life decisions and somehow escape the consequences. In my experience, these people burn bridges everywhere they go and suffer in their later years as consequences catch up with them. You don’t need to do anything for karma to hit them. Just focus on protecting yourself and cutting ties.

  • Mr CL says if it feels good don’t do it. Best advice for soo many things. The need to lash out is so strong. But strong is lining up your ducks and kicking their ass Long term. That alone will make you happy in the end. They are not normal, you could prove they are scum. It will be excused away, they feel no shame, have no character, soulless Waste of air. When you feel the urge, picture in your head their surprise, anger when you win and they get the boobie prize. Each other, yuk.

  • You are a super spy right now. Get all the dirt and get out!!!

    Tell your lawyer everything. In case they plot against you ( OW and Sinister Minister prayed I would get cancer and DIE ). Make sure you are safe.

    Is twatwaffle married? If so – she’s got lots to lose. Once you have lined up you’re ducks – make sure her husband knows it’s too

        • One blessing at least, one thing you don’t have to worry about. It’s always hard to know how and when to tell the other betrayed partner. They need to know, but you don’t want to endanger your case. Much discussion about that here in Chump Nation. Ideally: calmly, by phone (letter/e-stuff can be intercepted/read by AP), after discussing it with your lawyer.

          • That’s how my DDay happened. OW’s male friend called me. I will never forget it. It was devastating. He thought I knew. I didn’t. I also didn’t have CL or CN. So I went to RIC and hopium.

  • Hi No More,

    my situation was 5 years ago. If anyone is wondering, things are much better now but I still come here because CL’s insight and straight talk is super-interesting and applicable to all parts of life.

    Please don’t post anything other than positivity on social media and only post about things that interested you before this all started.

    When I looked back on my timeline years later it was so cringey. I thought I was being super subtle and cryptic by posting memes with quotes about integrity. They were sentiments that I would still agree with now but I just wouldn’t post 5 of them in a row (albeit over six months, but it was the only subject I posted)

    It looked like I was saying “hey everyone, I’m a victim, give me you’re attention!”

    Ugh, cringe, delete. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Take a break from socials, use it to message friends one to one.

    Do well with it.

  • I found out stbx was taking the OW to Mexico. I kept my mouth shut and had friends get photos at the airport. I knew if he didn’t know I had proof of the affair, he would be sloppy and leave a paper trail and would go into Temp Orders mediation unprepared. He thought we would finalize the whole divorce at Temp Orders mediation (ha ha ha), while I was preparing for a massive battle for the infidelity clause in our prenup. He didn’t think we would do Discovery, so he wasn’t smart about what he used his credit cards for. Keeping quiet SUCKED. Bring polite at custody exchanges SUCKED. I was in the middle of the depression stage of grief and I felt so much like a victim.

    But then meditation passed, and I got to tell him I knew… I got to start fighting back… I got to request Discovery… I got to threaten to depose the whore… You’ll get to reclaim your power eventually. You just have to be patient and strategic. (Did I mention that it sucks?)

    However, I rather like exposure. Yes, a judge may see it all, but you can expose in strategic ways. I’ve put some general posts about infidelity on FB without naming names. Make it about you as the victim and your healing rather than attacking the cheaters. A tasteful but honest insert naming the OW was included in some of my Christmas cards. I figured people would be curious why he wasn’t on the card along with our toddler and new baby. The moron always made me do our Christmas cards, so I had the addresses for his friends, family, and clients. *shrugs* Mail is great because records of who you send stuff to doesn’t exist for Discovery.

    I also sent direct emails and texts to people. I was very factual in writing. I researched libel and slander. Out of everyone I contacted, less than 5 sent the conversations to Fuckwit, and those were people that weren’t close to me.

    Fuckwit’s family recently included me on an email about his genealogy, so I replied to all (20-30 ppl) that it was inappropriate to include me on the email as it was common knowledge that Fuckwit ran off with his mistress right after our child was born. I wrote that I looked forward to no longer being married to an adulterer and to please never contact me again. (the sender was also an adulterer and knew what happened to me)

    Someone (not me) ended up contacting many of his coworkers and the OW’s parents and church.

    So expose. Just be smart and make sure you would be comfortable submitting anything you write in Discovery.

    • But expose -later- once you’ve talked to a lawyer and once he’s been served with divorce papers. Do not give up getting the drop on him.

      • I’m having a very hard time holding this information in though I have an older daughter that is going to be absolutely broken over this. For the sake of the children I can be cool and calm as a cucumber it is the hardest thing ever but I cannot wait to swoop in and blow his shit up when the time comes. Please forgive my run on sentences, I know I am awful

    • With2under2
      I soooo love this! This is more my style! Tactful clever revenge. I am not the type to be quiet about such devastating crushing blows! No fucking way! I don’t care if it’s immature or whatever. They took my entire life away. I confronted the other woman. Not publicly on FB although its tempting. I definitely could have had both of them fired. As they work together and he is a supervisor for the city of San Diego, and she is a project manager that takes pictures of sea turtles on the side. I sent her FB messenger and told her that I knew everything, their entire affair, how he took her to France behind my back, how I had to move out and loose everything including my 2 kitties, how I am due for a kidney transplant any day now. That ex never once told me he was unhappy. On her profile she prides herself on being this “strong woman warrior”. I told her, real warrior woman have each others back! As soon as my ex was flirting with you, you needed to let me know right away. Thats what women do! They know better. And now that my ex is a proven cheater and liar because of his choices and your, you can totally have him! Good luck with that. I didn’t call her any names. Just let her know that I know everything, and the cat is out of the bag. She can have him now. So instead of confronting me, she went to go complain to him. I didn’t know for a few days until he confronted me about Margos IM’s on messenger. I said yep! That was me! The bitch had it coming. And I told you I was confronting her. He said, What did you hope to get out of it? I said, I did it for me. All for me. Because she needs to know that what she did was fucked up! And she isn’t going to get away with it. And I fully blame you! You can have her. She looks like a man anyway. I call her dickface or penis nose! Karma can be creative that way. And ironically, after I confronted the other woman, I started to heal. It was mind fucking me that I hadn’t called her out already. I thought I had a great relationship with my partner. Nope! He is a coward, a liar, and a cheater. And he wont get any help for himself. I don’t need to raise another child.

  • I don’t know if you fully realize the beauty of them not knowing you know about their affair. Please, Please DO NOT OUT THEM! It serves no purpose. Use this time to get your shit together; Round up a lawyer, document fucking everything, PLAN. It’s ok to be pissed. You’ve got plenty of time for that. Right now be smart.

    Let them continue to have their smug assumption you’re clueless. It’s going to feel so good to swoop in and blow up their world when you have him served. Don’t tip your hand.

    • Rumblekitty: ‘It’s going to feel so good to swoop in and blow up their world when you have him served.’

      It IS beautiful. And, for some good reason, as devastated as I was, I never let the fucker see me cry.
      I kept a solid busy life going out of town showing my dogs, she would move in; one time for 10 days while I was in Canada. Come home, he was cooking up a storm, and I could smell her everywhere. No appetite. Today, I sure feel smug looking back and kept my (eyelash fluttering) composure without letting on I knew anything. (thanks iPad – and I’m glad that’s all I saw)

      No, it wasn’t exactly difficult because (and I didn’t know this at the time) I was subconsciously filing everything away in my mind that he thought he was getting away with. And, that’s why no tears at all. Her smell and the smell of sex didn’t hurt, although I didn’t know what it was in the beginning. Then, a full week of cigarette butts in the outdoor garbage—that was my initial proof. But, nope, I stayed quiet.
      And, yes, I lowered myself and hit bottom when I opened the garbage bag when it was waiting to go out, and found those butts in the bottom of it. just ewwww, asshole, making me do that. I felt pretty sick after that.

      In the end, I had so many ‘gotcha moments’ when he thought he was getting away with it for 3 full years. (found out after 2)
      File for divorce first and you’ll be weeks ahead of them.
      He was so surprised, he actually asked me how I could lie to him that I was filing for Divorce when we just agreed to Separate. 🤣

      Lesson in the end – I took the high road. I’m proud I held my composure and my dignity and could not have been bothered with what she is. (she was my best friend at the time, so that’s enough to know) and they are married today, neither working and paying me alimony. (He is driven only by money – the settlement, especially during these tough times is a sweet coup…I get my monthly paycheck in spite of the virus = Karma!) That is some of the benefit of starting out charging with a good solid wall of information behind you.

      6 yrs later (yes it took a long time to recover after 36 yrs married) I am happier than I ever could have considered! CL / CN is the full reason.

    • Also (I can’t advocate this enough), GET A THERAPIST. Make sure they’re licensed and specialize in abuse/trauma. (Sadly, there are some hacks out there.)

      Let your lawyer protect you legally and let the therapist help you carry the mental load. You’ve just suffered a trauma. It’s a real, psychological injury. If you broke your leg, you’d go to the doctor, right?

  • How I wish I had discovered his affair and not have found out by his actually telling me. I’d have had a chance to let the shock wear off in private.

    I wish I would have found Chump Lady before my divorce instead of after. Not that there was much I lost I terms of settlement, but there were other things I would have done differently and could have used for leverage.

    I so understand the rage. It’s terrible and it’s frightening and it’s a good thing you’re away right now so you can get a grip. You don’t get to lose it, o matter how much you want to…. you’ve got a kid. I expect They’ve positioned themselves and successfully manipulated your son so that he likes her….. and while that’s a whopper of a shit sandwhich, that’s what you’ve got to deal with.

    Lawyer up and go as NC as possible. Vent to us…. do NOT vent to him or her….. they have been setting you up for 6 years to see your head explode…. deny them that. Say nothing and deliver hard, swift and damning consequences.

    (((Hugs)))) you’ll get through this .

    • I would not be surprised if their plan is to use the wife’s unstable mindset (one they’ve cultivated over six years) to demand full custody. Another reason to stay straight up sane and keep her counsel to herself.

      • They wouldn’t be the first to try & paint the ex as crazy while recording the incidents that they initiated or provoked. The courts are now savvy to this modus operandi. No more needs to see a therapist NOW and let the therapist be aware of how she was baited into hysterical behavior. If she has found solid proof of the affair all the better. While courts normally don’t care about affairs this could be different. This is why she needs a strategy and be very careful about tipping her hat. When they produce the recordings in court and if OW is a witness, No more could cut them off at the pass by producing material/proof of their ongoing affair. Plus it would be great if she had her own recordings of being provoked.

        • Yeah, whenever I see a video or hear a recording of someone freaking out, I always question the person taking the video. Either they should be helping, politely walking away, or in a case such as this they obviously caused it. Decent people don’t record these things and then share them. I am glad to hear judges are on to it.

  • I lived with cheater for over two years without confronting him. Because I needed to line up my ducks. Almost divorced, I got debt to pay down but I also got unmodifiable lifetime alimony. Protect yourself. Cheater is the enemy. Get what you can out of the prick to create that new life…

  • Your rage is palpable and it can help propel you through the very difficult job of divorcing a narcissist BPD and/or sociopath. However, rage can also cause you to do and say things that will harm your legal positions. Channel it— get a therapist, exercise a lot, vent here. Shut down social media until this phase passes. Don’t put anyone or confront. You’ll be so glad you did this.

    Revenge isn’t your job. Being a sane parent is. Living a terrific cheater-free life is.

    In a few years you won’t give a shit about these losers and in a decade you’ll hardly remember it. You’ll be so grateful that you are out of the drama and living a peaceful life free of abuse. That’s where I’m at— it’s called Meh and it comes after years of no-contact and divorce. It’s wonderful.

    • Not sure how much poster posts on FB but if she does post often she shouldn’t shut down. It may give cheaters a head’s up. Post innocuous stuff or share posts that have nothing to do with your situation. Believe me OW is checking your posts.

      • Yes she likes EVERYTHING I post, I am so creeped out!!! I post a lot of funny stuff. Things with my kids. Nothing to passive aggressive. I really had no clue. Yuck
        I even had to like one of her bullshit posts not to tip them off , blech

        • Oh My God.

          I’m so glad you’ve got this handled with her.
          Yes, creepy!

          You are playing the right game by liking and appearing to be friends. These are Darwin People – they ruin themselves in the end.

          Best of luck in this crazy

          • “Darwin People.” What a great phrase!

            I can confirm this phenomenon. I’ve known a lot of destructive people. Some were just your garden-variety dysfunctional losers, others were full-blown sociopaths. All of them have the lives to show for it. A few even died early deaths due to their poor decision making.

            Revenge isn’t worth it. These people destroy themselves. If you get in the ring to fight them, they’ll drag you down with them and waste more years of your time.

  • Conserve your energy. You have months ahead of you and you need to focus on what you can control. Make a beeline for legal support, for mental health treatment and for building a support system for you and your child(ren). Any diversions off this path are going to be unproductive and PAINFUL.

    • This is good advice. I wish I would have take it. Had I known that my ex would cause me years of distress, yet ultimately just be full of hot air, I would have been less reactionary to him from the get. I was exhausted for years trying to process his BS. Most of their actions and threats are just hot air. Delete. Let your attorney deal with the other crap.

  • See above plus consider this please.

    You are now Bond, Jane Bond! Spying like everything depends upon it. Gather all your evidence. Don’t take the revenge route, instead double down on sneaky spying. Channel that energy into gaining a new life for you and the children. Take the high road whenever there is a choice, always. I know it sucks first hand but I kept climbing the mountains. He kept river rafting and mud bogging. Good luck on your mission!

  • I was so depressed and beat down those last months before I left – I knew I should have dug through his files and paperwork. He’s a horder so just the thought of trying to dig through the literal piles and push through the stacks was more than I could handle – so I didn’t. And I regret it because I ended up with no alimony (after 17 years of mostly SAHM – WTF??), hardly any child support, a great deal of my possessions never returned to me, and a lot of marital money and assets that were never fairly accounted for and divided.

    But, other than that, I bit my tongue so hard so many times I thought I would bite it clean off. I refrained from calling ‘friends’, relatives, and posting my rage and betrayal on social media. The whole time he’d been impression managing and putting out how crazy I was. But after time, the meme didn’t fit the picture. I’m puttering steadily along, no parade of girl friends, no crazy social media outbursts looking for kibbles and new supply.

    The last time I ran into someone from the old life they mentioned to me “how great I look” but the tone and expression on their face was one of confusion, I didn’t fit the narrative that had been fed. So now, almost 5 years later and people who know us see the desperation of a flailing, aging badly man, and the calmness and happiness of a woman who kept her integrity and is walking a peaceful path.

    I heard this weekend that he’s now onto the online Asian lady meetups. Hope he realizes that unlike the Russian girls, if you take on a Thai girl, you also take on her whole extended family.

    • “I heard this weekend that he’s now onto the online Asian lady meetups. Hope he realizes that unlike the Russian girls, if you take on a Thai girl, you also take on her whole extended family.”

      Lets hope no one tells him:)

    • SkunkCabbage; If anything changes in either of your financial circumstances, in my state you have a right to revisit your divorce agreement regarding alimony since your were married over 10 years.

    • “The last time I ran into someone from the old life they mentioned to me “how great I look” but the tone and expression on their face was one of confusion, I didn’t fit the narrative that had been fed. So now, almost 5 years later and people who know us see the desperation of a flailing, aging badly man, and the calmness and happiness of a woman who kept her integrity and is walking a peaceful path.”

      This is so frustrating and makes me want to shake people. I wasted so much time thinking about the huge social circle of “friends” who took his word over mine and never asked for my side. They were happy to write me off as “crazy” even though he had a reputation as a bully, a liar, and a cheat with a long trail of traumatized women behind him.

      I know it says everything about these people and nothing about me, but I can’t get over how stupid some people are. Enablers don’t care about the truth or common sense, they’re just happy to believe gossip from a known offender and take it as gospel.

  • NoMore, always remember that revenge is a dish best served cold. There is a reason why it’s an old saying – because it’s a time tested truth.

    FB? Stay away from it completely. It’s not revenge or punishment to out them on FB, it’s just giving them ammo to use against you in court.

    Revenge is you getting your ducks in a row, getting a raging pitbull lawyer and having paid consultations with the other top lawyers so you create a conflict of interest, so his lawyer will be second rate. It’s taking your stbx to the cleaners, getting sole full custody of your child, most of all – blasting the cheating fuckwit out of the water when he least expects, when he thinks you don’t know anything, when he thinks you are just a compliant wife appliance. It’s you getting the dirt on him and his affair if that even counts in your state. It might not so beware and talk to those lawyers and follow their advice on what to do and how. Do as much as possible quietly behind his back. By they time he gets served….you should be sitting in an armed fortress with all cannons blasting while he is standing outside with his pants down.

    STOP getting baited and turn the game around. Cold head. If you must release the energy, go to a kickboxing class and let loose.

    He has recordings of you losing it? Be sure to tell your lawyer about it. Can you get hold of those recordings? Perhaps it’s a crime in your state to record someone unaware. Perhaps a good psychiatrist can testify in court that those records are proof of you being abused and baited into a fight.

    FB shouldn’t even be on your mind right now. If you want to punish this fuckwit, you need to fight smart and cold. I get your anger….I’d think everyone here has felt what you feel….but revenge is a dish best served cold. Get cold when it comes to actions. As for wanting to out them….I still have fantasies of posting a pic of them fcking, sent over courtesy of whore, on a busy highway billboard downtown. It’s a fun fantasy, but then I go back to real life and play smart instead. Cards close to my chest.

    • I’m sure he’ll use them as “evidence” to show how unstable I am. He will shoot himself in his own foot. I have since been to rehab and cleaned up my act. I’m not even worried about those. Just can’t let him bait me any further for their enjoyment

  • Never tip your hand. And I’d make that “tribe” VERY small and discreet…maybe only your (pitbull) lawyer. Narcs have a way of flipping your friends/family (ask me how I know) or of getting them to innocently mention details (where you are, how you’re feeling or doing, etc.).

    • I know this all to well. They will flip your family if they can, and my XW did, until they found out that it was an affair that was motivating her. I still cannot forgive them though, even though they were duped as well. That is no excuse for turning your back on family.(son and brother)

    • Oh yes, he has my brother convinced I’m nuts and I’m stealing money from him. I’m under a microscope at all times. The only reason I haven’t lost my mind is because this is the only thing I’ve known all my life. Right now is not the time for woe is me. There be time for that later. It’s time to survive right now. I’m good at that. Meanwhile I’ve been the primary breadwinner. I raised my daughter on my own became an RN While he did prison time. I’m embarrassed to even write this but fuck it. It’s got to all come out. I just know it’s not ok and I don’t want my son to grow up in this anymore. I really thought my husband had a few slips nothing like a full blown affair. It’s so fucked up.

    • I have a nightmare ex who traveled a thousand miles to visit old classmates in the hope of digging up dirt on me. I hadn’t seen the guy in years and he’d since married someone else, yet he was desperate to hear I was miserable without him.

      Never underestimate the lengths to which a narcissist will go for kibbles. These people are freaks.

  • “Trust me, people in their social circle know what they’ve been doing, and those people are not your friends. Anyone who kept this from you, is not someone you need in your life. (And they won’t be horrified by the news.)”

    This. The people who read your post who aren’t your friends won’t care. I told MANY of serial cheater’s friends that cheater is also a serial rapist and serial statutory rapist. NONE of them cared and ALL of them gaslighted me, blamed me, and made me feel much worse. I have proof and they still didn’t care. Cheater will even admit to it and no one cares and they still support and fight for cheater.

    The flying monkeys will only hurt you further if you do this. Tell your trusted friends instead.

  • Even though they deserve to be outed on every social media site known to man. But, if you do it will be used against you. Cheaters and their OW/OM know how to twist things and play the victim. They will twist things and they will make you look crazy. I know it is unfair. When I found out about my cousin I wanted to post her picture on Facebook and tag all my friends and tell them what she did. I wanted to shame my EX. I even entertained the thought of posting her picture on Shesahomewrecker.com. But, I knew that it would backfire in my face.
    Lawyer up. If you need to vent post on this site. There are support groups for those who where cheated on. Your husband hurt you enough. Do not give him or the OW the satisfaction of hurting you further.

  • No More…This is truly awful in so many ways.

    Like everyone before me, please do not post this on FB. Get a lawyer and start lining up your ducks.

    Get a good counsellor for trauma. It will serve two purposes. First, it will help you process this more positively as the counsellor can help support your in navigating the landmine as you line up your ducks. It will also help guide you in what to do for your child. Second, if the STBX tries to make claims that you are crazy, you will already have a relationship with a professional established who can attest to the trauma you have been processing through the abuse you have endured.

    I have been separated for almost 2.5 years. The legal separation took care of all the financials and custody arrangement was taken care of last fall. It’s just a matter of filing the divorce paperwork, no court battle. To this day, my ex still does not know about the binder full of emails that I printed from his secret email account that proves the affair (I’m in a no fault province, so it made not difference). However, the way that I have been able to use the information behind-the-scenes has been invaluable. His whole family and mutual friends have all learned the truth and are horrified at how much he continues to lie about his affair relationship. He can’t understand why everyone still refuses to accept the relationship after all his impression management.

    After a while, I started to feel so much satisfaction that I possessed the inside scoop that I let go of the “revenge” fantasies. Instead, I got my money, 65% custodial access of the kids, and the support of everyone that matters in my life. He’s become a pariah.

    No doubt, there will be a day that I will confront him with the full truth of what I know just so that he knows that I have seen the real him all along. Or maybe not. Whatever.

  • Do not give these assholes any ammunition. Ignore any and all baiting attempts. They will use any reaction against you so stay publicly calm and focused on the kids. The lie my ex used to try to get custody of our daughter was that I was “emotionally unstable” and not a good parent. He would get all red faced and wave his arms around yelling about how he had been both “mother and father” to our daughter her whole life (yeah because he breastfed her til preschool age ha ha) and that I was SO unbalanced in custody evaluations. The lie worked on his girlfriend…not so much on the neutral evaluators and parenting consultant. I was sad, but I was working and taking care of my kids and sat there calmly while mr work allergy/untreated bipolar/alcoholic ranted and raved about how unstable I was. Just do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your family. The truth will become apparent to anyone who wants to see it. Best of luck to you, things will eventually get easier without his toxic ass around.

    • I guess I just needed to be talked down from the ledge. I had gone to my sister a few years back and she played devil’s advocate. I’ve been suffering for a long time. I really can’t trust my family because I’d be fucking comforting them. It’s so gross. I reached out to a pastor and a lawyer. I just don’t want the shit to hit the fan in front of my son. Ive got to play my cards right

      • I’m so sorry your family hasn’t supported you the way you deserved. Now you know who you can lean on and who you can’t.

  • While you get your ducks in a row, go as dark as you can. Get your computer checked to make sure he’s not reading everything you write, including this! My XH and his AP used to read my email, especially me pouring my heart out to my friends & venting about my feelings! (I found out years later from the AP). Close down your email or change passwords. Consider shutting down FaceBook and other social media because they are using you as a source of their evil, smug entertainment. They enjoy and relish your pain, so don’t show it to them! It’s OK to feel your pain, but don’t let them have that piece of you. We in CN have already made mistakes, so learn from our mistakes and don’t make the same ones. Envision yourself as a tough, resilient, stoic person and act accordingly. Best wishes and good luck!

  • Don’t post anything! In the words of CL: “Remember, if you want to end things with a narcissist, nothing says fuck off louder than silence. Disordered people WANT engagement. It’s kibbles. They want a fight, or they want to hoover you and see if their charm still works on you. Don’t give them the chance. Shields up, chumps.”

  • I just want to say thank you God for Chump lady Im the original poster!!! Thank you for all your responses I am going to read everything now. If it weren’t for you guys there is no doubt I would have been doing the pick me dance forever. Thank you thank you thank you!!!! I should obviously change my screen name because I went back for more. Thank God I didn’t blast them on Facebook. In the moment I just wanted to say AHA I FUCKING CAUGHT YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!! Fuck them. They can have each other. Right now my jerk off husband is trying to love bomb me. I’m so exhausted from this shit sand wich merry go round. I actually had to like one of the bitches posts because I didn’t want them to have any idea I was on to them. I’m setting up a lawyer appt and I’m never looking back to being with his cunt ass. I can’t wait till I’m free from these psychopaths.

    • Yes, do this. Good job!

      But don’t worry about being duplicitous and liking posts. Just slowly and completely disengage from both of them online, in fact disengage from social media for a while. It’ll help clear your brain about its importance and allow you to focus on the task at hand. Give them absolutely nothing to consider other than that you are leaving because he cheated. End of story. If, down the road once all is settled and you’re free and clear of them and your marriage, you still feel compelled to lay them out…then, give it a go. But be sure that whatever you say to them is something you wouldn’t mind shouting to a crowded room of friends and family. That is to say: keep your side of the street squeaky clean.

      Best of luck.

  • Yo. Sis. Very important part. Act like you got a call from the Chief of Staff of the US Military and he GAVE YOU THE nuclear CODES to the president ‘s “football “.

    I cannot iterate OPSEC Enough for your future success. Go FULL SPECTRUM STEALTH MODE. ask me how I know

    I read you to be a powerful woman. And That’s a strength. Use TF OUTTA THAT!

    We got your 6.

    ML

  • Please understand that if he’s goading you to react (emotionally, irrationally or violently) and then he videos it, he’s already gathering evidence of what he will call your “instability.” So the LAST thing you want to do is bleed all over social media. Your pain is a private thing, not for the hundreds of people you really don’t know that well on FB. It will soon be clear enough in your neighborhood that your STBX and the NeighborHo are up to no good. And for sure, you don’t want to keep living there, right? So you need a plan.

    You need to know what you want. Right now you just want a “stable home” but where will that be? How much is invested in your current home? How much child support do you need? Do you need rehabilitative alimony? What about bank accounts and investments? Where do you want to live? What is your ideal custody arrangement?

    You need to talk to several lawyers until you find one who can help you divorce this guy. Don’t settle for the first one you see; go in knowing what you want and then use what you hear from the lawyers to make the best choice. Be sure to find out what strategy and timeline each has in mind and how the like to communicate with clients.

    The lawyer, though, will not hold your hand through this experience. Find a therapist who is knowledgeable about abuse and infidelity. That will be a productive place to take your anger and your pain. You’ve had years of abuse. It will take real work to get back your Self back, and if you are at all like me, you might find that the relationship isn’t your first experience of abuse, that you have a lot of debris to clean up so that you can have a clean foundation to build on. It’s important to have someone to talk to about what’s going on who has the training to guide your recovery from abuse.

    You can tell family and close friends, but be careful. Don’t tell people who are verbal or emotional abusers, who gossip, who lie, or who undermine your choices and your confidence. The sad thing is that many of us choose abusive partners because that’s what we knew from childhood. But if you have 2-3 people in your life who always have your back, who can and will keep your secrets, and who can do some hand-holding through the worst of this process.

    Reading the archives here will be very helpful in figuring out what can go wrong–and right– in this process. Start building your support network. Start lining up financial ducks. Start taking personal items you don’t want to lose out of the house to store elsewhere–jewelry, photos, heirloom family items, baby items and your kiddo’s keepsakes you don’t want to lose.

    • Spot on with the therapist—didn’t even think about that.. you have given some great advice.

  • PS. Sorry for the typos above. I keep getting interrupted! And you can join the Chump Lady Reddit forum, where you will not have to worry about your identity being discovered.

  • I would still be cautious in the sub forum. You could be found out there too. Nothing is completely safe. Ask me how I know.

  • IF YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS CLEAN

    ALL OF THE DIRT AND GRIME

    STAYS ON THE CHEATERS

    WHERE IT BELONGS.

    Don’t give away a single shred of credibility!

    Don’t giving anyone any pieces of your mind! Keep them all for yourself!

    We want all of the icky cooties to stay ON THE CHEATERS. Fleas jump onto you when you get close!

    THINK LONG GAME!

    YOU get to be Scot free! They don’t! Their yuckiness gets transferred on to you when you engage! When you withdraw attention they get to keep it all to themselves! Which is what you want! And it doesn’t feel like it now! But it will enventually! You just have to trust us!

  • he checks your phone everynight? no auto logins – protect your login even to here then and post carefully
    Tread carefully. Plan. Build a wall around caring for them in which you protect yourself as you are moving toward freedom.

  • I read a book that I found in a used bookstore about a murder that took place in Chicago. Two young men decided to do a thrill kill and they picked a friend of theirs. They killed him. They were found guilty and for the first time psychology was used in a courtroom. The idea was two dangerous personalities are incomplete by themselves but when you put them together they form a third personality that is lethal. Please. Please don’t let yourself be drawn into this mess. They sound diabolical. We always assume that bad people, and bad things, are in someone else’s yard. When it happens in our own backyard we are always so surprised. Your backyard is radioactive. I think you are dealing with dangerous people. Be on guard, and keep your mouth shut, and your hands off the keyboard.

  • Don’t post, text, snail mail or email anything to anyone other than your lawyer. Ever. You don’t want to give them anything to twist and make you deal with.

    Get a lawyer. When you are ready to serve your EX with divorce papers interview a few more lawyers —- the next best to your lawyer. Once you’ve met with them the EX can’t use them. Bit of a dirty trick….

    Keep a journal on your phone (and change the password) of things that go on — anything where he doesn’t come through for your child to when he behaves badly. Things that show his character.

    Get your paycheck going to your own account, take his name off any credit cards — have the company change the card numbers so if the EX has them stored somewhere they are out of luck. Tell them your purse was stolen and buy a new purse.

    You may not be able to get your name off joint cards where they are primarily. Talk to your lawyer about what to do. My ex sister in law went on a $30,000 shopping spree and stuck my then brother in law with it. Protect yourself.

    It’s hard to keep it inside, keep in mind it’s your first act of loving and believing in yourself. You can do this, and everyone here will listen.

    Assume he has listening devices in the home — learn to walk or run. Will make you healthy mentally and physically— plus it gives you a safe place to call your parents, your lawyer etc. Don’t widen your list of trusted people too far — you really don’t know who you can trust. There are people on here that the AP was one of their relatives….just play the game and be safe — it will pay off for you and your child. That’s the best revenge.

    I wish I could give you hugs and listen in person, know you are not alone.

  • I am so sorry you are going through this level of betrayal. But the damage has been done. The worst moments are finding out and all the mind games that came before it. Everything else is a walk out of the tunnel you’ve been in. You are a mighty individual who has beat addiction (from one of your comments). You can do this. Do it because your son needs to be with you and not them. I promise you that you will get past this. Create your toolbox of emotional support for yourself. Everything from breathing exercises, tea, time outside. Anything that helps calm and center you. Train for the hard moments. The more they see you centered, the more they’ll try to derail you. But keep creating good habits of how to respond in those moments. And if you can, continue to stay away from them as long as you need. Sending you all the hugs and hope that a year from now, your life is looking a lot more blissful. We will continue to be here walking this path alongside you <3

    • All kidding aside when I was driving today it hit me. Who knows what they could have been planning. I could have been one of the wives that would have been found on the side of the road somewhere. They are sick. I thank the lord above and for all of you chumps. I’m going stealth and lining my ducks up. Once I’m done doing that I think I need to out them for my safety. Who the hell knows what they are capable of. Especially once they lose my income and half of his of boy they are screwed!!!!

  • I’m starting to feel paranoid, I live in California. Who knows if there is a fellow chump lining up this story and reporting back and I being super paranoid or should i go super stealth? UGH

  • Hugs, OP: I am so sorry you are going through this.

    I freely admit that getting “revenge” on my wife & her (main) AP is something that I became both quite interested in

    and, subsequently, became quite good at after I discovered their 4 year long affair

    so while I totally respect CL & those who believe that delivering savagely humiliating consequences

    is a waste of valuable time & our precious life-force…

    …I can also say that for me it was a creative, joyful, and soul-affirming exercise

    HOWEVER

    It was only made possible By the fact that I had spent silent months after I confirmed her affair documenting every single thing I could

    Both in terms of her affairs and in terms of our financials

    So when I confronted her I simply explained that she was busted, that I already had lawyers & forensic accountants retained

    And that those lawyers and forensic accountants already had a very detailed set of questions about her financial transactions

    (which turned out to be embezzlement to benefit the OP)

    And it was only AFTER I had her moved out, had filed and had a decent picture of what we did & did not know

    That I started to consider ways to really inflict pain

    You simply have to take ALL of the silent, non-aggressive, documentation actions because the time that They Don’t Know You Know

    Is your most precious resource

    Stay strong!

    TL;DR Brutal, public & life-shattering revenge up on a Cheater is fine …but only AFTER you’ve protected yourself fully

  • I’ve taken pretty much everything CL says to heart, but on this one topic, I personally feel in some circumstances blasting any or all of the offending parties is an important step. I’m sorry but home wrecking friends/neighbors of this kind, the world needs to know about. They are not unlike the other pervs that find themselves on a public registry. I really think they should appear as tiny red dots on a map, like the rest of those f@ckers. People need to be warned so they can avoid. The problem is MOST chumps default to the OBVIOUS options available: social media posts, email blasts, home wrecker websites. They all have their limitations and downsides. Social media: directly linked to your identity, limited audience. Email: perhaps a spoof account doesn’t link directly but again you are limited to email addresses you have. Home wrecker sites: SOME anonymity but IP/login data subject to subpoena if based in a domicile with common court jurisdiction as your subject/target, and you have no control over the information if you ever want to take it down.

    Not willing to take it lying down OR wait until I had ducks in a row, I needed something anonymous, with limitless audience reach, out of judicial reach of my subject/target… basically impossible to crack unless you are a billionaire. And I found exactly what I was looking for in two separate solutions: an offshore point of origin snail mail campaign to the subject’s extended family, neighbors and local friends; and a custom offshore website registered anonymously to an offshore corporation domiciled in the most plaintiff hostile nation on earth, hosted in the most free speech nation on earth. Snail mail revealed contact info subject had been hiding from extended family for months and called on them for an intervention. Meanwhile, neighbors and friends were encouraged to search phone bills for recurring calls and texts from that number, and also made aware of behaviors that would be risky to them if they were to engage in new or continued contact with this a$$hole.

    As for the offshore site, subject’s NAME and STD status are included RIGHT in the domain name. An offshore SEO analyst, who was paid a total of $5 for the job, saw to it that the site ranked number 1 on a google search of the subject’s name. Certain truths about the subject which they would not want known if they were trying to date online or look for a job, are revealed on the site, and their social media profiles, prior employer websites and place of worship website are all linked in the subject’s biographical details JUST to make sure the subject is tormented by entities trying to disassociate themselves from the site (unable to contact or even identify the site owner, they have no one else to contact about it).

    The dominoes fell swiftly for that a$$hole following the campaign. The whole chump experience generally lacks a restorative justice that I argue is important to healing and this endeavor produced great leaps forward for me personally. Best part is I can take it down anytime I want, but for a tiny annual fee this infrastructure stays in place forever and meanwhile I go long periods forgetting the site even exists. But that bastard has to live with it every damn day, wondering “who has seen it?”, “can I apply for that job? will they google me?”, “how can I get past this to meet a new dating victim?”, etc. For me, that was a symmetrical (although not proportional) outcome: “permanently alter my life in a way I couldn’t anticipate, was prevented from defending against, and can’t change motherf@cker? Well, I’ll just have to permanently alter yours, in a way YOU couldn’t anticipate, can’t defend against, and cannot change.” Saying much more would probably connect too many dots, so I’ll leave it there.

    But for the contrarians in this community I’m just saying, there IS a way to do this and there’s no evidentiary way to tie it to you… And when the subject is the third party and your spouse is not named, how is a website about a third party (not a party to the divorce) — the owner of which is specifically NOT you — relevant to your divorce case?

  • I feel like I’m in limbo right now. I came to take care of my mom who is a raging narcissist. I can’t even tell her what’s going on because she will explode and blow everything up. I am having horrible nightmares and I can hardly sleep. I had a dream I was driving and I couldn’t put my foot on the brake and the car was going full speed and I couldn’t stop. I’m keeping my circle VERY small. The jerkoff husband continues to cycle between lovebombing and abuse and it’s been really brutal. I have a few people who I’ve been talking to. I have a appt with a lawyer and my therapist is well aware of the abuse. I’m going home soon and my objective is to get out, ive been behaving because I don’t want my husband to hurt my dog I know he won’t hurt my son physically but I want to get him out of there as soon as I can.

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