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I’ll Be Seeing You In All the Old Familiar Places

Cheaters aren’t original. Need proof? Read a few bazillion comments here and you’ll see the same tired playbook time after time. Sure, there’s the Stupid Shit they say. But there’s also the recycled date nights, tastes and habits.

You’re all just interchangeable bit players in their great narcissist drama.

Did he take Schmoopie to the same “special” Ethiopian restaurant he took you? Worse, did you discover it for him?

Did she appropriate your favorite singer/songwriters for her dating profile? Worse, did she always mock you for liking that music?

Did he sent the same Valentine to you as he did his other assorted fuckbuddies? Worse, was it signed the same goopy way?

Do you read here and think you’re Freak of the Week and no one could possibly understand the depths of fuckupedness you’ve endured, only to read of some cheater in Muskegon doing and saying the exact. same. things?

They aren’t original.

When your attachments are shallow and you’re kind of lazy, why work hard? Why expend new kibbles (kibbles are precious!) when you can polish up some old ones? Schmoopies are used to leftovers. No one will ever notice…

Your Friday Challenge is to tell CN all the UN-original moves your cheater made. Regifted engagement rings? (raising my hand…) Repurposed vacations? Recycled love letters?



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  • During our 4 month “working it out”period (during which she secretly brought the Carrot Singer into our home at least three times — and went once to his home, while his wife and daughter were out), the Kunty Kibbler bombarded me with the music of Jason Isbell. Specifically, the song “Flagship,” which speaks to realizing what one has and working hard to sustain it

    “Baby, let’s not ever get that way
    I’ll drive you to the ocean every day
    We’ll stay up in the presidential suite
    And call ourselves the flagship of the fleet . . .”

    She sent texts, notes, cards, etc. referencing how we were going to make it work, prove the world wrong, etc. This was in 2016.

    When she married the Chlorine Special just about a year ago, she posted pics and videos of the ceremony and reception all over Facebook and Instagram. Several included the presence of a guitarist singing — you guessed it . . .

    • In my movie version of this, all the men in the audience sing out in one big chorus…

      • Indeed. If you look at the entire song, you’ll see the appeal.

        What she dreams of is a life full of men who “say whatever words he needs to say,” “drive her to the ocean every day,” “cancel all the plans he’s ever made” . . . all to “volunteer to lose touch with the world, and focus on one solitary girl.” Her.

        That’s what feeds the bottomless pit of attention she needs to survive.

        • ((((UXworld))))
          YOU are so loved, respected & MIGHTY!

          KK is like the ocean, a bottomless pit.
          She does not feel or see the beauty standing on the shore.

          • Hi peacekeeper????????????????????????

            UX World, so glad you are away from her!

        • @UXworld
          Sheesh! Just when I thought I knew all of the nuanced fuckedupedness of what you endured, there’s yet another layer to the onion. An entire college course could be based on the veritable Chinese menu of narcissistic and sociopathic behavior of kk.

          May peace continue to be with you, my friend.

    • Nice to see a post from you UX. was thinking bout you the other day.

    • Oh, man, I loved that song. Not anymore. Now I can’t get the image of a curly, red-haired, ugly guy on stage singing into a carrot microphone out of my head – which is what I envision every time you mention the CS. Now that image will come to mind whenever I hear that song.

      KK wrecks everything.

      Maybe we could re-write the lyrics. Oh wait, they are already perfect for a narc.

      • After our separation following DDay I started to go to Trivia and Bush Walking. Imagine my surprise when I see his dating profile updated to say his interests include Trivia and Bush Walking. If only he enjoyed Pina colada and walks in the rain. ????

    • Slag heap? Slag-ship? Shipwreck? We have just got to rename this song. That’s just all there is to it.

  • One year after finding texts to another woman and having hopium, since it had been so long since any known cheating. My ex was flying first class to Asia,…He was really impressed with his seating arrangement and he sent me a message saying there was enough room for us to join the mile high club. I jokingly responded that he shouldn’t join without me. Fast forward 1 month I looked at his emails (I had hopium but still suspicious) and yes I found an email to the OW stating to her how they could join the mile high club with all the space in first class! The exact thing he said to me, my God be original. Filed for divorce a week later.

    • Oooouuch! That would have made my blood pressure hit the ceiling! What an entitled bastard. Nowonder you filed within a week!

    • Ugh…and I think of all the times he sent me msgs saying “how miserable he was of having to travel and leaving his lovely children and me” and I totally bought it, felt terrible and horrible for complaining about his never-ending trips. He was traveling 1st class, staying in amazing hotels for the F–Fest that is the High Executive Corporate World and stupid me had no idea.
      The poor guy didn’t even take vacations….only he did, just not with his wife and children, and some of the trips were forced by him to get away from us…could easily be resolved by conference calls.
      And when a light bulb went on in my stupid little street smart part of my brain (I am super smart for everything else but ZERO street smart) and I started wondering why the boss had such a terrible life compared to the people that reported to him, that was it. Mask’s off. Mr Nice Guy became my enemy.

      • When I realised that my husband, who worked long hours, had colleagues travelling less and working shorter hours, in fact lived a double life away from his family, seeing someone else… No wonder he was always exhausted… THEN I finally started to move on from the crying wreck I still was months on end after DDay… this site has literally saved me. Thank you everyone.

        • Same here. He worked out of town, so I thought he was just stressed out from his new management position and then having a somewhat long commute home on weekends. Nope – more like stress from having a double life year long affair with married howorker. Me the wife appliance worker FT, took care of kids, cared for the house, ran a side biz, all while he only had to go to work and keep his dick away from others. I’m no longer exhausted without him!

          • Isn’t it funny how that happens?
            I’ve got so much on my plate, being a single mom and making ends meet and etc. But my life has never been easier. Just because he is gone!

      • Sad sad

        Same story!
        Oh, me staying and taking care of 3 kids/work while he was away on business( f fests sponsored and funny covered by his corporate card) …. him being so tired and disgusted by other men hitting on female colleagues ( not my h… he was into hookers and high class escorts)
        Stupid me.

    • Ooooo – that is so low. I think he’d lose his mile-high card for stooping so low. I vote him off the plane.

      • When I realised that my husband, who worked long hours, had colleagues travelling less and working shorter hours, in fact lived a double life away from his family, seeing someone else… No wonder he was always exhausted… THEN I finally started to move on from the crying wreck I still was months on end… this site has literally saved me. Thank you everyone.

  • He brought her to our cottage( a place he knew was special to me). Screened her in our bed. Served her coffee there( the pig left it spilled down hen front of the night stand). Let her “shop” for what she wanted from my decor there when we separated. They stopped at our favorite restaurant on the way. He brought her around to our cottage friends who didn’t even know we were separating let alone that he was with a new “ love of his life”. Similar story at our house in Florida. People expressed deep shock at his outrageous behavior.

    • He let her “shop” from your decor… your knick knacks? Your clothes?!?
      Eww ????.

      • Agreed. That is a whole new level of disgusting behavior. I can’t even…

    • Mine did the same. Kind of. He took her to our lake house that we’d just renovated with my money. He confessed later that they slept there but not in the master bedroom (where they slept at our non-lake house), so because it wasn’t the MBR, it was ok in his sick-fuck, I’m-a-Chester-but-I’m-still-awesome mind).

      He clearly was showing the place off to her as befits a narcissist. In his delusional thinking, he thought we could keep the place post divorce. “You get it some weeks; we get it other weeks. Oh and we can rent it out at times. It could be an income property.” What an idiot! As if I’d want to own anything jointly with him post divorce.

      Once it was obvious we’d have to sell (after he flirted with the idea of buying me out but then announced that “Schmoopie doesn’t want that lake house. She’s so good she doesn’t want anything of yours.” She only wanted my husband and my life).

      They took subsequent trips there when I’m sure schmoopie chose the furniture and other decor she wanted. Makes me sick. It just adds to the violation.

      • My STBX also criticized my furniture choices (made with the help of a designer) but then wanted ALL that furniture in the divorce. Maybe schmoopie has the same taste as I. Ugh. I don’t want to think we have anything in common.

        Or maybe STBX actually liked that furniture but only knew how to devalue and criticize. One of his reasons for wanting a divorce was that he was sick of looking at furniture. But damn if he didn’t love it and then want it. What a creep!

      • I though the same thing!!! Cottage was probably a great place for triage of schmoop.

  • He didn’t remarry but she bought him a claddagh ring which is exactly the same type ring he wore when we were married She had a match. I thought that was weird. She must have found out because They stopped wearing them. They also went on vacay to the same places we did. That also stopped And they went to Ireland and Hawaii where we had planned to go next. I was obviously a replaceable valve.

  • Since I was a kid I have loved and collected Asian art. As an adult, I have collected what I love and could afford (very modest). I’m a member of the Asian Art Museum in San Francisco. He has never set foot inside. I have a collection of antique Japanese kimono, traditional clothing and textiles, traditional Chinese clothing, etc. A source of huge resentment for him as one is only permitted to spend money on things absolutely necessary for survival. I had to drag him to the Chinese New Year parade in San Francisco every year. I am Caucasian, blonde. Blue-eyed.

    The OW is a Chinese national he found on Craigslist in the Causal Encounters. How did I find out I was getting divorced? I found an email to her…..”the time we have spent together has meant a great deal to me. You showed me what was missing in my life. I have come to love the ways of your culture.”

    Before DDay, I got a strange phone call from him asking me for the name of a Chinese comedy. I thought it was odd. Now I know he was probably with her and wanted to rent the movie and impress her with his cultural appreciation of Chinese cinema. (Kung Fu Hustle….a movie I loved but it’s a trigger right now).

    They’re slick, shady, sickening people. Parasites in every way, and so are the people who cheat with them.

    • My God Velvet! Besides discovering his finally cultivated taste for Asian art, you find out you are getting divorced!

      This is indeed a Fun Friday! As I go along the posts my jaw keeps dropping. It all makes me so relieved I am rid of the asshole.

      • In his mind collecting Asian art is a serious character defect but not shopping for Asian women on Craigslist and massage parlors. He is right about one thing; we are NOT soul mates (or as he spelled it to the OW, “sole mates”).

        I have to say it really boggled my mind to find out that after he moved in with her, he was seeking out blonde women on Tinder, and she caught him going to the illicit Asian massage parlors. I want to be married but not to him.

        • He is revolting…. I’m so sorry. I was married 25 years to his twin. Feel your pain ????????

        • Velvet –

          “In his mind collecting Asian art is a serious character defect but not shopping for Asian women on Craigslist and massage parlors.” I admit I laughed in sheer amazement how how totally ridiculous, entitled and supremely arrogant his behavior was.

          Wouldn’t it be great if we could banish these Boggart fuckwits with a Riddikulus spell?

          • He was collecting his own “Asian Art.” Women are objects to the narcissist. He was competing with you for best collection.

        • Sole mates indeed! My ex stole my boots to give to OW#2 for Christmas. So cheap and broke he had to sneak in and steal my unworn boots!
          She walks in my shoes literally! He has left me with many entertaining anecdotes…Haha

    • Wow, Velvet Hammer. He really does suck. My stomach is churning thinking about all the crap you were exposed to. I’m glad you seem to have emerged from it even stronger. What a schmuck!

    • Don’t you dare let him take away Kung Fu Hustle from you!

      You go watch that masterpiece right now and appreciate it (again) for its awesomeness.

      • In my infidelity revenge fantasy, I am the Landlady and guess whose asses I am going to kick…..


    • As an art historian, this post hurts me to my core. The nerve of him!!!!!!!!! Omg I hate him for you. I’m appalled.

    • Omg. That’s awful. What a jerk! Glad you’re rid of him. Sorry you found out about his assholery in such a painful way.

  • One of my cheaters was hopeless – he had a very limited social repertoire anyway, so yeah, same restaurants, same food, probably identical conversations.

    I never had to worry that he’d change for her, because he was utterly incapable of change at all.

    • Interestingly enough, my shallow STBX cheater took on some of schmoopie’s interests. I mean, before D-Day he suddenly began saying favorable things about Trump (he knows I can’t stand the man). I suspect schmoopie is a Trump fan (but doesn’t really know why, as my son said snarkily–love that boy).

      I am a political junkie. Pre pandemic, I was the one who wanted to watch political debates on TV. My then husband said he hated that stuff and walked out of the room. But, soon after D-Day (when we were still communicating), he said he was in the middle of watching the democratic debate.

      • My xw hates Trump and used to laugh about Trump’s Stormy Daniels affair. She doesn’t realize she is just like him.

  • Bought her a car like mine. Abandoned me with 4 dogs buys her a dog….Took a cruise right before the shutdowns but always said he would never take a cruise because of the germs!

    • Mine is dog-related too. For like 2 years I wanted to get another dog – a puppy. He would search them out with me, but then if they were really an option, he would balk and say, “I don’t want another dog, we already have too many responsibilities. No, we aren’t getting a dog.” It became a joke between us, I would send him dog pictures of available puppies and he would laugh about how they were so cute, but we “have too many responsibilities.”

      So fast-forward to 9 months post-divorce (1+ year post D-Day). At the start of quarantine, he now lives with CouchHo/Ho-worker, has my 3 kids 1/2 time, has her daughter 1/2 time and a dog with hip issues, but is young. And he and CouchHo get a puppy… so who has too many responsibilities to get a puppy?! Oh, yeah, he just didn’t want more responsibilities with me. It was too hard to keep up with me, the kids, our dog, and an affair partner/ho-worker who also had a husband and dog and kid.

      • Same – I beg for a dog. No no no, says he. Then he and Schmoopie get 2 dogs 🙁

        Oh well, now me and my rescue dog are enjoying life, and I am truly grateful my kids have a dog/dogs at both places. Dogs truly make life better!

        • Yes. My rescue dog got me through my awful marriage and divorce. Then she died. 🙁 Years ago and i still cry thinking about it. Of course i have two more with me now. they are the best.

    • Mine swore she hated comic book movies, like the Avengers. She thought they were for dorks.
      Now, with current Schmoopie, she dresses up and goes to comicons.

    • My daughter and I love horses and all other fur babies. We were never ‘allowed’ to have any. Got told not having any animals. He runs off with the OW. Gets multiple horses, dogs cats, buys her and her kids it all… will never understand it

  • Ugh – sudden horrible memory of another Cheater (I had forgotten this) – when I saw a photo of his ‘ex’ girlfriend, the last woman he had ‘shared a flat’ with, and then the wealthy widow whose walker he currently was without bothering to tell me …

    … They all looked like me.

    And we ALL looked like his mother.


    • (I can only type with one hand)

      he didn’t exactly copy, but he did morph into her interests. mr back injury and city guy suddenly showed an interest in jogging and outdoorsman type activities. it was ludicrous and when I laughed (I was unaware of the affair) he was livid and raged.

      the ow was a younger version of his mother. looked like her, same vocation. complete gaslighting, stupid, fawning, self serving transactional duplicate. he had made bad financial/business decisions, we all pointed it out to him and that made him sad and hurt his ego, where a big boy would have realized these ups and downs are normal. so he called his mom, she told him he was perfect and never did anything wrong, I was a controlling bitch, and since she couldn’t get him back into her uterus, she introduced him to the ow, a married employee, who blew sunshine up his ass and praised him non stop. It all blew up spectacularly – shock – damaged the company, ow lost her job (her bs was pissed because she was the breadwinner and he’d been her ap in her first marriage. and he needed her paycheck, so didn’t care about the affair), employees left en masse because everything was so fucked up. usual fireworks, all the cliches. my therapist said “that affair was a giant fuck you to his mother, its oedipal.” more than we thought: ow had slept with his late stepfather. I laughed and said “omg you’re in your moms sexual circle, only once removed.” and he stopped the car and threw up. it also ruined his relationship with his mom because surprise! hollow bunny had never been the problem, just the shield they both used to deflect responsibility. I was never the ogre that kept them apart. its a sick covert incest situation.

      • I suspect this Cheater of mine was a victim of physical incest, as well as emotional. His thing with his mother made him super uncomfortable, but he couldn’t stay away.

        His dad, BTW, was a chronic cheater.

        I want to have a shower now.

        • yeah people have demons, don’t they? Definitely no physical abuse on this end, but his mother was a teen mom and decided that her pregnancy was not a mistake but that she had been sent a perfect miracle who reflected greatness on her. So in order to stay great, she went through hoops to make sure he had no consequences for anything. Everything is a reflection of her, so the goal posts always move to show her in the best light.

          The worst part is her daughter has done the identical thing to her son. Unwed young pregnancy, golden child son – now he’s an unemployed addict living rent free in her basement. But according to her he’s killing it at 26, everything is GREAT! and she hated growing up in the shadow of her brother, but the pattern is repeated with her daughter.

          Speaking truth is the kryptonite of this family.

    • Bwahahaha!!!
      All of you looking like his mother just takes the cake!!!

      I am not laughing at your pain. It’s just so ridiculously horrible that I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  • Ex-boyfriend that cheated wore a tie I bought him for Christmas to his wedding with OW.

    Ex-H used to say “I loves you” back to me after a text I sent him gone awry. He used it to Schmoopie also. ????

    • So can relate to this and just goes to show how they seem to all operate with the same MO. OW had a social media pic of him and her and he was wearing a scarf I had given to him for Christmas. One that he had refused to wear around me and had gone out of his way to trash as a present to my face and yet behind my back…….

      What I know now is that in his demented head, it’s his fck you to the OW. She thinks she has him, but this is his demented way of saying “you are not the boss of me and you don’t even know how I’m hurting you right now you ignorant bitch.” Also known as Duper’s Delight.

      I remember early on shortly after Dday, sitting and thinking…who on earth does something like that? A certifiable sociopath, that’s who. No hope, no cure, no nothing. It spared me from pick me dancing.

  • In an ironic twist of fate, my ex (husband at the time) found out the woman he had been cheating on me with was cheating on him and had sent exactly the same texts to him and the other man at exactly the same time ???????????? Stupidly I took him back only for him to cheat on me again, hence why he is now an ex. I still think about that particular discovery and laugh though. He was really hurt to find out she was cheating on him and clearly couldn’t even be bothered to come up with original messages. Poor sad sausage…

    • This is hilarious. As though they are too special to be cheated on. My neighbor has a story like this, her ex came to cry on her shoulder that his ow cheated on him. She told me she looked at him like he had three heads and told him to fuck right off.The

  • We had a little hole in the wall restaurant where we went during lunch hour (we worked for same org) & sometimes for dinner while we were dating. The name was the male version of my name. The restaurant grew because of the great food.
    But it was a local secret.
    It became a special occasion restaurant for our family (4kids). I have since learned that he has brought “clients” to our restaurant. It’s no longer the special place it was. He has sullied it. I’m sure that every OW in the vicinity has eaten there with him except for the OW in Mexico. He went there on “business”.
    My memories are still my memories. I was honest & true with my intentions. He just wanted to milk this Chump for all that I had to offer for 25yrs. He’s the shallow one who has no real connection to anyone.
    Let the OW have him & his lazy unoriginal self.

    • “My memories are still my memories” – I struggle with this so much right now. I am in process of divorce and have moved into my own small house. I liked to pick up artwork to remember our various vacations. I want to put up the artwork and remember the fun I had exploring the world, but that exploring was all done with him! How do I retain my happy memories when his actions have tainted everything!

  • Speaking of fuckedupness, without getting too graphic, while reading through texts between my former hubs and the OW, I learned that he had given her a toy they named “pinky” that she kept in her purse at all times — just in case the moment would arise when she would become overwhelmed from missing him so much that she would need it. Well interestingly, I also had a pink toy that we referred to as “pinky” that mysteriously disappeared from my closet around the same time – never to be found again. He still denies to this day that he re-gifted “pinky” but I’ve explained to him that women don’t misplace these things – in fact with kids they are pretty much locked down. When OW called me up to apologize for being a shitty human (she knew he was married with a family), I let her know she was carrying around a re-gifted personal item in her purse and told her I hope she was enjoying that. Me and my close girlfriends still have a laugh sometimes over “pinky”.

      • Yes he is! That was the moment I knew without any doubt in my mind that I was out of there.

    • My mind is blown. First, my toy disappeared also and now I think I know where it went! Second, I love that you told her and laugh about it! Meh is a good place!

      • My mind was blown too – I was like really?? You couldn’t just stop by the adult shop on your way over there? Or do you get off on this crap? (he probably does). Yes, Meh is amazing! The only thing I feel now is relief that he is no longer my problem.

        • They get off on it. During reconciliation when silly me thought his affair was long distance and emotional only, ex asked me if I would like to stay at a nice hotel we drove past. I still remember the way he looked up at the rooms and had a crazed kind of look. I found out later that was the hotel he was holed up with for four days with his gf who flew in. It was about 2 kms from our house, he had told me he was going away with his disability clients on a surf camp! I found out about the hotel as the wifi link came up on our home computer as he must have plugged his phone into it. Thank god the powers of the universe intervened and sent me the proof that it was a physical affair, as I have no doubt I would have ended up in the same room in the same bed with him as they had been. When I tried to tell him how fucked up it was he barely flinched, guy is freak with no soul.
          Still trying to come back after 3 years. I just remind myself of this example of fuckedupness and many more and I’m good.

    • That takes the cake, I believe. Ugh, what a dumbass for regifting that.

    • Ewww and gross. Regifted Pinky?! That is hilarious. I love that you laugh about that with your girlfriends.

    • He didn’t take “pinky” but he took his toys that were purchased at the same “toy” party. He really had to dig deep in my closet to find them; I kept all of that stuff well concealed and impossible to accidentally discover. When I flipped out on him he said he was spring cleaning and threw them away.

      Their audacity is simply mind-blowing.

    • My ex moved out of our bedroom left his family photos behind, took OUR sex toys and reused them with other women. I just can’t get over the cheapness and grossness of it!

      • Same . Mine didn’t take much . Not even his own clothes . He was quick to take the sex toys and say he paid for them and didn’t want ME to use them with other men . Yeah , dude , what the fuck ever

      • My cheaters gave me a special toy for when he was deployed in Afghanistan.
        Turns out he had a new Army girl in Afghanistan.
        So unoriginal. Bye bye.

    • ????????????????
      That’s like regifting a menstrual cup, or a custom made tooth guard one wears to avoid grinding teeth at night.
      “Schmoopie, I’ve got a special gift, just for you! Your teeth may not fit into it exactly, but it’s the thought that counts, right?”

  • A cheaters imagination is stunted by a fantasy in which they’ve recreated their role with a different supporting actor. Each time she’s the dream girl who believes she’s filling the role in a unique and special way. It’s the same old play.

    • Doingme, this is SO true! My ex has a play that he will never stop staging: he is the tortured misunderstood ARTIST (musician) who is unfairly expected to adult by the VILLAIN woman he mooches off. He needs to be saved by the amazing SUCKER who will take care of him, understand him, pay for everything, and never have any needs. He switches out villains and suckers every few years, but it will never change. With all of the creativity these fuckers put into their lies you would think they could come up with a new, less horrible way to be. But they don’t.

      • DoingMe, yes! In a nutshell that’s the outline of their drama. They have a script, the actors are interchangeable, and they are the star of the show. They have a lot of understudies, just in case. I don’t think they are especially creative and that’s why they go to the same restaurants, on the same vacations, etc. They are never happy. Multiple casting couches for their drama. No one is ever enough.

      • Bossynova, you nailed the script (narrative) and the roles!
        “Unfairly expected to adult by the VILLAIN woman he mooches off. He needs to be saved by the amazing SUCKER who will take care of him, understand him, pay for everything, and never have any needs. He switches out villains and suckers every few years, but it will never change.”

        Meg, I agree; there’s no creativity whatsoever. What I found as he aged was how difficult it became to find an OW to complete the fantasy.

    • I have been reflecting on this particular comment all day because I see myself in it.
      I realized I tend to try to cast men into a role instead of accepting them for who they are. Lightbulb moment, thank you for that.

  • Every time I come here or on the FB support group site I am amazed by the similarities in our stories. Cheaters are a lazy ass batch of entitlement mixed with dysfunction. It is almost as if we were all married to the same person.

    STBX would invite me to events, then retract the invitation without telling me. That happened to other chumps. He gave me a STI. That happened to other chumps. He changed the passwords on the bank accounts then moved the money elsewhere. His support checks are increasingly later each month. That happened to other chumps. He locked me out of the house by changing the locks. That happened to other chumps. He lied in his Financial Affidavit. Sound familiar? He refused to disclose forcing my lawyer to file a motion to disclose. Did that happen to you? He devalued and discarded me for a hood rat twenty seven years younger than me. You too? Sometimes I’m offended that he couldn’t be bothered to at least be inventive in his infidelities. Nope. Just the same old tired shit perpetuated by cheaters everywhere.

    Down to the stupid shit cheaters say. “I wasn’t happy. I haven’t been happy for a long time.” “This marriage was already over.” “ You are so bitter.” “You would like her.” “She is a good woman.” “I’m not lying, I’m telling you what I want you to know.” “THAT ISN’T WHAT I SAID!”

    Here is the other constant I see, chumps are better for leaving cheaters. I know I am.

  • My sisters ex cheater married his OW, who has turned out to be a controlling psycho. Over time, the OW alienated his two daughters and one son from him, meanwhile adopting — you guessed it— two girls and one boy. They recently moved to the same neighborhood my sis and her ex cheater raised their children in — AND the new kids go to the same school now!

    • Sounds like a far-fetched plot for a bad tv show. I guess it’s true: you can’t make this shit up. My condolences to your sister and her three kids.

      • It does right? Even a bad TV show would turn it down because the plot is so ridiculously not conceivable.

    • Sorry, WinderNoMore but he’s a grown ass man. It’s time we recognize he made every single decision that resulted in alienation. My adult daughter who refuses to be around the ‘evil c**t’ as she calls her was told by her father they are a couple. He won’t have contact without her present. Nope, the OW can’t control that; he’s a fucking father. Insecure, needy and controlling, yes. However, dad is an adult and decided to abandon.

      • Oh yeah. He did his part. Part by himself, and partly by allowing her to treat his children the way she has and blindly going along with it.

        • It’s not that he doesn’t see…
          She’s allowed to do his dirty work. I find this to be the passive aggressive behavior of covert narcissists who are cowards and highly insecure. They light the fuse and have others deliver the bomb.

          What does he get out of it? The blame is shifted to the rather dumb ho who takes on the role of saving him from the family he HAD to leave because he played the victim. He gets out of that ‘role’ and can erase his family.

  • When he was outed by his AP by her boyfriend, I heard his voicemail he left her. His voice was the exact same way, the exact same thing, same inflections, same everything! CAUGHT!! He had me buying her kid fucking happy meal toys so she could collect the damn series of animals! WTF!! Meanwhile, I was getting told he was too tired for sex, and ……. Yeah, right!! Then there’s all the other BS! Ugh

  • We were high school sweethearts. We always said “I love you more”. When we separated and he got his on place, and then he wanted to reconcile and I fell for it and went over there (I know, I know…I hadn’t yet found Chump Lady at this point). I saw a cute little decor item that said that on it.

    I knew damn well he didn’t get that to decorate. He said he bought it for her before he decided to reconcile with me. I was livid.

    Years later, post divorce, he has moved a new supply into the house that I designed and we had built together. He enjoys taking her and our kids to Gatlinburg, which is where we went for our honeymoon and for our 10 year anniversary to renew our vows.

    Unfortunately, those things were not special to him because of ME, or US. They were special to him because of being something useful/fun in his life. They really are so different than us.

    I’m trying to teach my kids that not everyone “loves” the same way. Some people only love what their relationship with you provides for them. They see you as a tool to have fun, a tool for giving them a good image as a couple or parent. So, as a tool that is there just to be of use to them, you can be replaced, swapped out, and they don’t know why you are making such a big deal out of it.

    • “They were special to him because of being something useful/fun in his life. They really are so different than us.”

      That’s right! My ex narc always, always takes the newest supply on trips to Italy, Hawaii, and to a certain very expensive restaurant in the Pacific Northwest. Because that’s exactly what he wants to do. There’s nothing deep or meaningful about it.

      • Right on.

        Once I accepted that he only “loved” things for their usefulness to himself, I could finally let go of any desire to work things out because I knew that was not what I wanted as a partner. If I could have only learned that lesson before marrying the asshole, I could have saved myself a lot of pain. LOL

      • It’s really crazy how they think so differently. When I am in a place that we frequented, I get really upset and have to leave. Any reminder sickens me. I really don’t understand how these cheaters seek out those places that were special with the ex. I just can’t wrap my head around that.

    • I got a text that was meant for Schmoopie number 18.
      “Blah blah blah blah blah blah… Like I said I love your guts.”

      What a fraud. That was my original line to him.

      I sent him a message “wrong person.”

      I used to refer to him as a chameleon. Now I know that it’s a personality disorder

  • The only thing I know of is that sparkledick took one schmoops to a favorite national park while I was out of the country. With her four kids from at least two different men.

    It is (now was) our Asperger’s son’s favorite place and cheater took. son. with. him. (that is how I found out about cheating).

    I was thinking about my ex-MIL because she lived through the Spanish flu, and once told me that people had to put bodies out on the street for the city horse carts to collect them, she actually saw that.

    That memory made me remember that at the end of MIL’s life (97 and lucid when she died) she kept dreaming that my super-mega-uber-cheater FIL, whom she had divorced at the age of 70, was sleeping on the floor beside her bed.

    This made me stop and realize that I don’t even remember what sparkledick looks like anymore. I hope this means I will never have such a nightmare.

  • My cheater loves oral sex. He would always tell me how erotic my “flavor” was to him. He cheated with a coworker and upon hearing the sordid details, he said and did the exact same things to her. Even the sex wasn’t special. I asked him about that, how he could say and do the same things to her. His answer: “that’s just how I do it.”

  • I stalked my cheating ex-wife on Facebook a few months after the divorce and was shocked to see she had listed as “favorites” various bands, movies, and books that I liked . . . AND THAT SHE HAD RIDICULED ME FOR YEARS FOR LIKING. Because they were goofy (say, The Flight of the Conchords TV show), or sentimental (Willie Nelson ballads), or brainy (Walt Whitman). At first I was angry, thinking, why were those things terrible when I liked them and I desperately wanted to enjoy them with her, and now that I’m out of the picture they’re wonderful? It made no sense and left me feeling that what made them unbearable was their association . . . with me.

    But it didn’t take long for me to realize that, in reality, she had no strong feelings about these things, or me, or anything else she claimed as a “favorite” over the years: she just wasn’t deep enough for strong feelings. It was all situation, and about what served her interests at any given moment. And expressing disdain for things I liked was a way for her to manipulate me, to put me down, to make me feel lucky to be around the awesomeness that is her. And she thought that the easiest way to attract a new guy was expressing an interest in what she considered “guy things.” So, she appropriated a ready-made list of guy preferences–mine!

    As CL said, nothing original there. I’d say, they recycle because they can’t feel and can’t create. And as a result, they live in a kind of emotional junkyard, a repository of unearned ideas, things, and even people that they don’t understand and cannot appreciate–a fitting kind of hell, IMO.

    • “Emotional junkyard” is a great turn of phrase.

      My ex stocked his junkyard with my love of books, The Killers, zombie flicks, Better Call Saul, specific bath products… these disordered people are totally empty.

    • I was a trinket or bauble that could be trotted out for appearances. Discarded at home but useful for public image. No surprise that I chose this – its how I was raised. Praised in public, and sneered at behind closed doors. It’s taken me a while to see that it was never about me and my failings at all.

    • This made me remember that STBX didn’t own any kind of movies, cds, books or anything artistic that would show a preference for anything. Yet, before DDay, I kept finding he’d changed his radio station to country music–which we never listened to on the road (he would normally choose a generic rock station). Schmoopie liked country music. The narcissist was mirroring her.

      • Same. He always HATED country music with a passion and made fun of it.
        About 5 years before Dday he began to listen to it. I just chalked it up to how people change when they are getting sober. Nope. Schmoopie likes country music. He was mirroring her. And he was enjoying duper’s delight by playing her music around me. ????

        • Yep my wasband hated country music. I liked some including Chris Stapleton who he never listened to. The weekend I was discarded we were working on our house and Stapleton’s Millionaire song came up a few times. Now I’m convinced that is his song with his howorker as she likes country according to her Facebook. At least I get the last laugh- they think they have tru luv while she’s still married to her husband with no divorce on file and our divorce is finalized. Plus, I still retain my millionaire status thanks to non marital assets and she probably has no clue as to his true financial condition.

    • My ex seemed to completely change his taste in music every so often. Literally. For a few months we’d hear nothing but heavy rock playing in his car, then it would be Adele type music for months, then something else completely different. Knowing what I know now, I could probably chart his affairs by the changes in his music. No preferences of his own, just reflecting the taste of who he was seeing at the time. A bottomless pit of nothing, only ever capable of mirroring someone else. He’s now completely changed personality, mannerisms and behaviours to mirror that of his current partner. Except on one occasion when she wasn’t around, then his behaviour immediately morphed back to the person I thought I knew. It was quite shocking to witness the speed and ease of the transformation. Literally just an empty vessel with nothing to offer anyone except a reflection of themselves. At least I know I didn’t really lose anything!

    • Haha oh my god dude, same!! My ex wife of 24 years ridiculed our home NFL team every season, laughed when they lost, flat out told me she hated them etc…after the cheating and exit to the waiting arms of AP there she is on Fakebook wearing their damn jersey with EYE BLACK UNDER HER EYES and that stupid retarded grin of hers at some football party! She didn’t watch one damn game with me and our son for 24 damn years..ugh so glad to be at meh and rid of her

  • My husband insisted he had already ended his affair when I confronted him. I knew he hadn’t. A few months after we separated he started dating the woman who is now his wife. He was still having the affair. He despises me because I know that he cheated on his new wife – but she doesn’t know.

    When we were married in 1988, the guys in the wedding did a human pyramid. When he married his new wife, the guys in the wedding did a human pyramid. The new wife put this photo on their Christmas card – how fun! how charming! – little does she know that he’s done it all before.

    • Interesting. My STBX has “moved on” to another woman, is mostly living with her and has been with her for about 10 months now. As far as I know, he was still with his ho-worker 12 months ago. She’s married and doesn’t want to destroy her family. I couldn’t understand how he could be over the lust of his life whom was everything to him so quickly. The person he felt so connected to, so much so that he showed no remorse in what he did to our 27 year relationship/marriage. I am certain that he has replaced me with the new one (she even resembles me) and has kept the whore on the side. Parasites need a host.

      • Similar story – my ex had professed that the mistress was the love of his life, but she didn’t want to leave her husband and three young sons. It’s creepy, that I know more of who she is and what she’s done than her own husband, her kids, her parents. She comes from a Catholic family and has to keep up the pretense, I suppose.

        No surprise at who my ex ending up marrying. She’s worked for a high tech company for decades and owns a lot of stock. She is just about the shiniest person he could hope for so I don’t think he’ll cheat again. His new wife has no common sense. He was diagnosed with HPV oral cancer but she stuck with him. He’s lucky he can play the cancer card when the reality is that it’s a STD.

    • Dudette!

      Why keep the secret? I’d be making a special Shutterfly Christmas card just for them!


      • Hahahahaha! I could destroy him and that would be so much fun . . .

  • We’re not supposed to know about the OW. My 19 year old son caught them (stbx doesn’t know) and she has the same purse, same shoes and same glasses as me. My son said if he didn’t know better he would have thought it was me. Stbx gave my 19 year son complaints about me as to why he had to leave. Some of these complaints go back 10 years. Recently they found out that the OW is doing those exact same thing. My 19 year old son says she Elena 2.0. If he didn’t like me then how is dating someone just like me supposed to work?

    • Not sure if it applies here, but in my case, OW was lurking over me for a while, so you have an idea, I saw her Pinterest account and she would pin the same pins as I did regarding hairstyles, fashion, etc. Only she is physically very different than me, I have long dark blonde hair and could afford the clothes and sense of style, she is short, dark hair, from a poor background, etc. And when I asked his cousin about the woman that looks like put together in pics, she told me she is a disaster in every way and that he is super cold towards her.

      • Cheater liked telling the ow positive things about me so she would compete. Very fucked up. So she copied me but only thru his lens. Towards the end he would just text “hey” and she’d blow him that afternoon. She must have been exhausted lol. If she could keep this awesome man away from his awesome wife that made her double awesome! But probably ruined her knees.

    • OW may have been copying/mirroring you for some time, possibly before the cheating started, maybe thinking this would attract him. Who knows but it is a little unnerving.

  • ‘I am just going to (a friend) at the legendary Two Floors’ he states (two floors is the bar we met in). Turns out wasn’t that friend but ‘that’ friend he took there. Seen OW on the train (yuk) with the same coffee cup he brought me. When we did the holiday from hell post break up just cause my daughter was so excited he took us to a restaurant he said he had found on Trip Advisor. I went upstairs to the toilet and saw the wall art that she had on her instagram. There is more, but suffice to say it’s quite easy to just re-hash the same old shit right. And he thinks he is really enlightened and special. Pfft. pS. I made sure she saw my coffee cup on the train. Now I want a different one. Ugh.

  • I received (at work) a letter from his current side piece with redacted emails between the two idiots. He used the same lines on her that he did on me when we first met…..but that was 35 years ago! They are so developmentally challenged and boring. To bad they are so destructive.

  • I’m a writer. He asked me to write a fun piece about him, describing him as if he was writing it himself. He segwayed into this, by writing a poem about me, then requesting the fun piece about himself. I thought it was strange, but nevertheless obliged. To cut a long story short, I ended the relationship when I discovered he had been cheating and lying throughout our 4 year relationship. Imagine my surprise when perusing a dating site to see his profile, with what I wrote about him as his description of himself. I was in his profile pic too, not quite edited out, you could still see it was me. You can’t make this stuff up !

  • Back in the early days, before I blocked him on Facebook, I could see that he basically re-created the weekend trips and vacations I had planned during our marriage. Down to the last detail–restaurants, hotels, everything. I’m sure it was so he could look like a thoughtful, creative guy. Even more hurtful, he took her to places/events that were too boring or too much of a hassle when I wanted to go, using my ideas. It’s been a few years, so she’s probably learned that he actually hates museums, music festivals, country inns, antique fairs, or advance planning of any kind.

  • I’m a writer. He asked me to write a fun piece about him, describing him as if he was writing it himself. He segwayed into this, by writing a poem about me, then requesting the fun piece about himself. I thought it was strange, but nevertheless obliged. To cut a long story short, I ended the relationship when I discovered he had been cheating and lying throughout our 4 year relationship. Imagine my surprise when perusing a dating site to see his profile, with what I wrote about him as his description of himself. I was in his profile pic too, not quite edited out, you could still see it was me. Our last holiday before the breakup was to Italy. His profile name was “Roman Holiday” You can’t make this stuff up !

    • He finagled you into writing his dating profile? This one is just exquisite.

      • I now have Fiddler on the Roof songs running through my head…

        Matchmaker, Matchmaker make me a match
        Find me a find, catch me a catch.

        Wow, you really can’t make this shit up.

  • My 2nd husband ‘Mr. Wonderful’ married me and became a loving stepdad to my three girls. We all thought we were blessed and extremely happy.
    He cheated and left me for a younger married ???? with three girls!

    • He sounds more like a predator. Hope you and your girls are safe.

  • This is SO the EX. When he first met me, I told him I loved to read. He claimed he loved to read too. In fact, he claimed to love the same books that I loved! After we married, I realized he had never read them. In fact, I never saw him read anything our whole marriage. When I was leaving him, I stashed cash in the books in my bookshelf because that’s how sure I was he would never open a book! After the divorce, he started posting on his Facebook page that he loves to read–and the books he listed as his favorites were MY favorites. I’m still sure that he has never read them. He also posted pictures of him eating ethnic food. MY ETHNICITY, which he claimed to dislike about me. (He gave as one reason for cheating that I wasn’t American enough.) He claims to love to travel, but never traveled anywhere. I love to travel. The list goes on and on. He has no personality of his own.

    • This stuff reminds me of so much. Ex never read, he did more stuff online but didn’t read books. When he was on his way out he was buying books from a secondhand bookstore (trendy) having them delivered and posting them on social media (Satre, Sylvia Plath, all the books you read in you early 20’s to prove what a philsopher/poet you are but him it seems in his mid 40’s). I had a series of orange penguin paperbacks so when dad died and I was emptying his house I brought them back as they are lovely. I saw him try to sneak one out. It was ‘Take a Girl Like You’. Wonder who that was for. I asked for it back.

      He also didn’t really cook much but loved my Ottolenghi style food that I made so he brought Ottolenghi Simple (posted that on social media so we all know how flaming amazing he is). Never cooked it before in his life. I also suspect, but can’t prove that he took pics of a lovely meal I made for my family and of course him and my daughter one summer in the garden (must say it was a good one) and I think he passed it off as his own cooking. He had never taken pics of my food before. Like you all say, you can’t make this stuff up. It’s all about image though really isn’t it. It’s upsetting when they suddenly start doing things they would have never done with you though, or at least without making it as miserable as sin.

  • At 20 years of marriage, my loving wife told me she feels “something is missing” and had a hard time telling me if she loved me or not. I was blindsided and devastated. We have 3 kids and divorce is something I never even thought of…. I had not ever considered another woman during our marriage.

    Anyhow, we went to individual and couples counseling for many months. During one of our sessions, my wife uttered the words to me that “You are the Love of My Life” (remember this statement….key to this thread). I had never heard that from her before (20 + years) and I was overwhelmed with joy and hope (hopium?). We had an amazing reconnection after counseling. She wrote me a card (which she rarely ever did) and she stated she had never felt closer to me, she was thankful of my understanding and patience with her, I was an amazing husband and father and she was looking forward to the next 20 years with me!

    Well, apparently she left out a decimal because 2.0 years later (after exactly zero arguments in 2 years and zero indication that anything was wrong) she told me she “love’s me but is not in love with me”. Like turning off a light switch, all affection stopped.

    After pleading for answers (there were none….later the blameshifting would start) and begging for counseling (she refused every offer) she filed for divorce 2 months later.

    When asked if there was someone else, she replied “When would I have time for that? (file under stupid shit cheaters say). When asked again in front of a witness, she provided the same reply. I said “I didn’t ask when you would have time for that, I asked if you were involved with another man in an emotional or physical affair….are you?” She replied “no” (file that under Multiple Bold Face Lies, Half Truths, General Shadiness and Who The F*ck is this Horrible Person I Married?).

    After months of my pleading, working on myself, offering about 6 different separation offers, she wanted divorce, divorce and divorce… affection from her and she had been treating me like a complete piece of shit (not the loving and involved father, husband, coach and non-lazy hard-working provider I was). BTW…I know I am not perfect, but I am a damn good partner, father, friend, employee and human.

    On one particular day, she was being extra special shitty to me. It was that day that I decided to start investigating. That day, I found some greeting cards which obviously were not for me (seeing as how I did not get one for our anniversary….the day she dumped me, or Father’s day).
    Guess what one of the cards had right on the front…..anyone?….anyone?….Bueller?….Bueller?……

    Give Up?

    Here it is…….”You Are The Love Of My Life”……wow!

    Further investigation that day revealed her cheating, horrible lies, her friends’ lies and the fact I was married to a person who really sucks! (In more ways than one). If there was the Chump Of The Decades Award, I would have won without doubt.

    The line I held on to and brought me comfort was apparently as rare as a Gray Squirrel and has as much value now as a 95% off coupon to Toys R Us.

    Really? She doinks a guy for a few months and he is the new “Love Of Her Life”? I thought there could only be one……or maybe her “kitty cat” offers up one of those sayings per every Nine Lives?

    Same line….different victim. It’s pretty obvious her relationship has since gone South. She told me 10 months later she still loves me (vomit!) and she was thinking that after I moved out that maybe we could date! (Yay!!….let’s have the kids more confused than ever and maybe I can spend 10 years Unraveling The Skein…..and hear how “I made her like this”).

    Who the F does that? Wouldn’t you try to work on things (like I offered) BEFORE you get a divorce?

    I know that it’s a fruitless endeavor, but I am willing to bet a large sum of $$$ that the first time she “felt like something is missing” that she was cheating on me.

    • You change the story from her to him and it’s me to a T. Or maybe my ex-husband was cross-dressing….the Zero fights and Zero indication of problems is also something I will never understand. I wanted to punch anyone who asked me if we had a sex life or if we fought a lot. Yes and No! we had sex all.the.time. Almost never fought. And I had to listen from one therapist how much I had contributed to the breakup. Oh, sure….”I am deeply sorry for cooking, cleaning, looking good, taking care of our kids, and loving you unconditionally. Sorry for the abuse you endured while screwing ho-worker and lying to me.”

      • Sorry to hear. Quite a shit sandwich for both of us (and millions of others). She was doinking her bro-worker….at a place which I helped her get a job…..yay me!I could not even imaging having sex with someone I know is married and has multiple kids. Lowlife meet Lowlife…. a match made in Heaven! And it’s all justified and explainable!…….Mindblowing!!!

        • Reading all these stories makes me wanna move on like never before. Mine is so entangled in his own web of lies that he keeps trying to make me look like “Fatal Attraction” when the only ones killing bunnies are him and ho-worker. I took the bait for too long and now I REALLY want out. Not looking for a boyfriend, freedom, trips, girls night out, etc, all this pressure of making lemonade is another layer of things I’m not interested in. Just wanna “adult” by taking care of my kids and myself without him trying to make my life hell in order to make him look good after all he’s done. The lengths they go to not admit they screwed up is insane.

    • NC2U (love the moniker, BTW) — “Really? She doinks a guy for a few months and he is the new “Love Of Her Life”?”

      You may be new here and may not know my whole story, so I’ll summarize and see if it resonates . . .

      – 15 years married, two preteen daughters, suddenly ILYBINILWY
      – suggests open marriage to ‘strengthen what we have,’ has 9 different encounters with 5 different guys (that I know about) in 6 weeks
      – after I say ‘enough!’ and initiate the split, she waits a respectful 11 days before first taking up with the Chlorine Special
      – in super-sleuth mode — a mere 5 weeks after their first contact — I see comments to a FB friend that she loves CS “deeply, more deeply than I ever thought possible to love another. And he loves me.”

      Sound familiar?

      • Familiar…..yes.

        Here’s a gem I left out.

        Literally 3 weeks after she tells me she didn’t love me, she tells Mr. Moraless that “she has never met anyone like him” and “where have you been all my life?”

        I did not find this out until months later.

        Where have you been all my life (while my devoted husband was busting his ass to support a lifestyle I wanted and coaching our children and being faithful and upholding his vows……)

    • “Who the F does that? Wouldn’t you try to work on things (like I offered) BEFORE you get a divorce?”

      I know, right? This is the question I ask myself in my darkest moments.

      Why did he even bother to make those wedding vows and lie, in HIS church, if it wasn’t forever?

      Thank goodness for Chump Lady’s mantra “trust that they suck”. It helps banish those thoughts. No use untangling the skein. Moving on.

      They are disordered and gross.

      Btw, LOL at your username!

    • She probably has a case of the sadz now and misses the husband appliance. My ex listened frequently to Post Malone songs/“love of my life” BS. 3 months prior to him discarding me, I looked at IPad search history. He Googled “how to leave the love of your life.” I confronted him. Oh it was nothing went down a rabbit hole one night yada yada. I trusted him after 22 years/13 of which married and 2 young kids together. I also asked point blank if there was someone else. Cue gaslighting lies, I could never do that to you! Fast forward 3 mos later and out of the blue, He confesses to year long affair with married howorker. I also got to hear all of my failings going back even prior to marriage, lots of rage, and how any marital problems we had led him to the affair. I did my best pick me dancing that day. How about counseling? Can you pause the other relationship? No he was going to do what he wanted. I filed for divorce 4 days later and it was finalized right before Covid shutdown. Now I think that Google search could have been for me or her – partners are easily replaceable to narc cheaters. I hope he’s doing some humiliating pick me dancing for OW as she hasn’t filed for divorce yet.

      • My story is so similar, except the courts closed before we could finalize the divorce.

        More and more I realize how painful the discard phase was, yet while I was going through it, I wasn’t really aware I was being discarded. I made excuses (spackled) SO MUCH!! Ugh.

    • it’s hard to see when it’s your own story, but reading so much of the content on here, they’re all the same. Of course she was.

    • “When would I have time for that?”

      Same thing stbxh would say. I was naïve. Never thought my husband, sanctimonious self righteous, was cheating the entire marriage.
      No longer naïve.

  • He told each of us, “No, of course I am not sleeping with her!”

    To me: “she’s a friend who has depression and we just talk.“

    To her: “at this point we’re just room mates – we haven’t had sex in 20 years” (Never mind the fact that our daughter was 17 at the time, and we had se the very morning I caught him at her place)

    After D-day he told me she didn’t even really like sec, it hurt her. I later found out he told her the same thing about me.

  • I had completely forgotten about this—POP recycled the beautiful heartfelt letter his WIFE had written him after she discovered him hand on the boob of an AP–and prepared to immediately divorce him.

    It was a goodbye letter but his intent for ME was not goodbye but an attempt to hoover. He cut and pasted the majority of her words but changed some to his own in an attempt to make it fit his agenda….problem is, I had already (unbeknownst to him) read the letter while doing relationship police investigation and with English being his second language, his verbiage quirks worked against him.

    Such a shit move in so many ways.

  • 1. Texting “Yesterday was nice” after having sex the day before. Said it to me all of the time, found it in a text to one of his howorkers.

    2. Calling and talking for hours. Did it with me. Doing it now with several women (while he is with our child, yay) according to my phone bill.


    • This is something that resonates with me! The endless phone calls. 2 hours plus per day when he was living with her and away on business trips and I could see the cell phone records finally. I then recalled while he was married to/living with me he’d go out late at night while I was asleep, and he’d have these long conversations while he was “walking the dog.” LOL. It’s obsessive. They can’t stand being alone. And he did the same to me while we lived in different cities while I finished my last year of college. He’d call every night at 11 PM and expect me to listen to him tell me about his day for an hour. They must have an audience.

      • So very true. Cell phone records showed hours on the phone with the mistress (how I figured it out) and then the same pattern when he met his new wife. Nothing says charming like a man who can talk for hours on the phone.

        • The thing I also notice is that the talkative cheater usually initiates the calls to the AP. She wasn’t calling him! I love my family and friends but I can’t imagine talking for 1-2 hours every single day. Who has that kind of time? I think his endless calls cost one AP her job. My kids used to laugh because when he was working an out-of-state job, they could tell it was him calling me on our home phone at night because the call would come in, and my only responses were huh, oh wow… I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. I don’t think the APs could either. Blah blah blah.

  • “Did he take Schmoopie to the same “special” Ethiopian restaurant he took you?”

    CL, how did you KNOW?! STBXH not only did that, but followed it up with a trip to a special ice cream place we first went to together. In a completely different city. Over 100 miles away. He literally had to go out of his way to take her there.

    The list truly goes on and on, and I had typed out my examples, only to find they fit the same examples other have said. Recycled vacations, music, games, interests – the MOW even looks like me to an extent.

    This was JUST the “they don’t change” reminder I needed to read this morning!

  • We were dating in college and I was home for the summer. He had to go back and finish up so he could graduate (12 hour drive). He sent me a poem and every night we would look up at the moon at the same time and even though we were apart, we would be together or some BS. It was really sweet at the the time!

    Fast forward 29 years and 4 kids later…I was marriage policing for the millionth time and found an Instagram post to his girlfriend in Peru. It had a picture of the moon – taken from our house showing our street – and the caption read something like…“Even though we are thousands of mikes apart, we share the same moon. I miss you.”

    What a load of crap!

    • Wow! Just wow! That’s terrible (and so unimaginative on his part).

  • It’s posts and comments like the ones today that keep me coming back every day. 5.5 years since Dday and I’m starting to laugh rather than cry at the absurdity and predictability of cheaters, including my X. None of us are alone and we aren’t freaks.

    XH of 25 years is a master manipulator. I thought we had an enviable marriage because he frequently love bombed to keep me hooked— he also had a lot of scary rage and self pity…. sadly I’d never informed myself about narcissism. Months before he was caught by kids on Christmas red handed cheating with young gold digger he was fucking this much older client. He’s an equal opportunity bastard. He bought the older one the exact same book of love poems that he bought me… She later contacted me and said that when she asked him how he could give her a book of love poems that Neruda wrote for his wife he said it didn’t bother him at all. Cold and shallow to the bone.

    It was ALL an act. The worst part is that I chose him to father my children. They continue to suffer daily from his emotional abuse. They are all old enough to chose whether to see him and they generally stay away from him. But it hurts them. That is what continues to upset me.

    • Yep after 22 years together, his mask fell off and revealed his rage & insecurity. He resented me for outearning him in my day job & then resentment went in overdrive when I started a side hustle biz that makes $. I knew something was very wrong the day of discard affair reveal. It bothered me for weeks that his affair confession was so full of rage and that this wasn’t a normal type breakup. Thanks to the internet and my therapist I’ve learned a lot about narcs and my therapist says he may even be a sociopath. I was clueless about narcissism- just thought it was a vain person. But the wasband fits the narc cycle perfectly. Love bombed me at the beginning, slowly devalued and criticized me last 5 years of marriage, planned his discard for at least 2 years, lined up new supply of married howorker, then discarded me day after we had just gone out to dinner for my birthday celebration.

      • Narc STBX did the same. Love bomb. Devalue. Discard. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

        These narcs have to line up a new supply before dropping the final bomb. Mine too cheated with a howorker. He discarded me after we had a nice meal and watched a movie (me with my head on his lap). After a birthday celebration seems even crueler though. I’m sorry he did that to you.

        My therapist also wondered if my STBX might be a sociopath. I think she settled on malignant narcissist. Whatever.

  • My X Asshat stole a love story trilogy from me and gave it to OW. He had given me the book set years earlier and when I challenged him on it he went right down the narc prayer of first denying he had done it at all and then settling out with how I deserved to have them taken from me.

    It isn’t just locations and gifts that can be recycled. There is an extremely famous actor who is on is 4th wife and every one of them looks like they were spun out of the “bony blonde with petite features” factory. He keeps them around for a while and then finds another one just like it in a younger version. A much younger version. He was a notorious cheater throughout.

    First wife: 4 years younger

    Second wife: 7 years younger

    Third wife: 17 years younger

    Fourth, wife-to-be (delayed ceremony due to the virus): 39 years younger

    I suppose he doesn’t even live in anything like the real world and could not comprehend another existence. The fish can’t describe water any better than this guy could describe a life long commitment to a true partner and peer. Yes, I am judging him.

  • My ex-dick head took his whore to Dalessandros Steaks in Philly! How dare he desecrate my special memories eating at my favorite cheesesteak restaurant. I hope an eyelash fell in their steaks!!

    Or when he made that whore my mom’s chicken n stuffing recipe for Easter. Oh. No-he-didn’t

  • My ex courted me (I was 19 at the time, so give me a break!) with love songs that he had written. I thought those songs were the most romantic things ever.

    Fast forward 42 years… on DDay night I do not let him sleep in our house. He had left his computer in our house and I have his password. I search his emails for the OW’s name. And find a year’s worth of emails to her, filled with love songs he has written her. Gag.

    Coffee in bed together on weekend mornings used to be our thing. I discovered the affair by overhearing his phone calls to her. She wanted to buy him a gift. He asked her to bring him coffee in bed.

    Since he is so true to form, the first clue he is done with her will be when he quits flushing the toilet.

    • OMFG… Voldemort did that too. Stopped flushing. I wondered why that was. #mindblown

  • I know he went on to treat his next gf (not an OW, since we weren’t together at that point anymore) to pancakes and baking, which was totally OUR thing, and nice homemade fish dinners with pricey wine. He lowkey refused me alcohol in the house and I never understood why. I suspect it’s because he knew that a glass would lead to “couple time” for me and he wasn’t about to let me have anything I actually, really wanted.

    But I’m not bothered about it because I already knew that baking together was only bonding for ME, it hadn’t kept him from being a liar and a cheater during our time together, so I already knew that nothing is special to him.

  • Same “pet” name first used it with me, then used it with OW#1, then OW#2.

  • My family took a vacation to Grand Canyon which was a special time for us . The last one before both sons were out building their lives. And he and I travelled to Oahu and Maui for our wedding anniversary a couple times. During discard he took his whore to Grand Canyon and promised to take her to Maui in his texts I discovered. I guess there are no other cool places on earth to go on vacation. I think these dicks are so insecure they have to return to places they know to be comfortable. It makes them feel in control. They can be the big shot all knowing lover.

  • X was a chameleon. When we first met I could not wait to vote in my first election and was interested in politics. He wasn’t but over the years he adopted many of my liberal beliefs…. I wanted to build a house in the country so we did, it was a distance for him to travel to the gym. And I wanted children…????. @When x met AP she played his sport (like I once did), lived a distance away (“), and he courted her exactly like he once did me. Same MO, long distance travel, concerts (the same artist we had been going to see for the last eight years of our marriage), hotel room stays, etc.???? Of course anything “new” he had to over share with the kids, like it was his first time ever! And usually on holidays he was no longer spending with them. Fireworks…uh 20+ years of those with us and many other family excursions he was absent from, same restaurants, etc. While he does many of the same things we did, he has explored new things. Cheaters somehow can’t do this with spouses, he goes wine tasting and drinks (we didn’t ????), travels to exotic places, and believes he is special for discovering things most people do.
    After the divorce, my kids and I started vacationing together. My eldest once commented on how our family “never had real vacations,” so we were going to remedy that.???? X didn’t carve out a lot of vacation time for us, he had much *he* wanted to do, and we did raise three kids together. IMHO, sometimes the disordered just hold us back. We have a bucket list now and try to meet up every year. One year Portland, Orcas Island (oysters) and Seattle, one year Maine(lobsters), and Hawaii is next.
    The kids travel quite a bit, their generation does; we will continue to do that after our world rights itself. My life is better in so many ways….

  • Oh these turds! Mine started his affair with married howorker at our favorite fancy cocktail date night spot.
    One week after I kicked him out, he never wanted to loose me he thought since she was my friend I would be cool with his affair, he sent me a shirtless pic of himself saying he missed me. I sent him a pic back if me and my daughter’s crying faces (she was 7) because we hadn’t slept all night due to heart ache.
    Turns out he sent his howorker the exact same pic, the same morning as they planned their one and only sexual experience that night. Her husband was out of town and in the wee hours of the morning he was calling so upset because he made a huge mistake. What a fool, and a completely disrespectful jerk.
    These cheaters are not original and they couldn’t come up with something meaningful and/or original if their lives depended on it…gross ????

    • You can imagine his brain can’t you whizzing round, wondering what to do, thinking oh god that didn’t hook that person in so I’ll quickly text someone else and see if that works. It’s like they are flailing around for attention like a piece of sticky tape.

      When you look at these stories you think do you really actually exist in what I call a meaningful sense of the word?

  • “Cheaters are a lazy ass batch of entitlement mixed with dysfunction. It is almost as if we were all married to the same person”.

    Agree! Wasted 32 yrs serial cheater. Exh 5 yrs. 1st DDay many years ago I had asked him if he gave cards, gifts etc. I was trying to establish the seriousness of the affair. He told me he gave her exactly the same things he gave me. One was a gold charm of handcuffs (he was law enforcement). NOT original is an understatement.

    Last year one of my adult kids told me the X had brought his newest ho over to meet them. They proudly told my son they had met on So nosy me tried to find him on Match to see what BS he was spewing. Took awhile to find him but when I did I was reminded how unoriginal he still was. His screen name was “life is good”. I had used that phase for 20 years, I have a big serving plate that had that phase on it and I used it as my signature. The best part of his profile was pictures where I was cropped out. His “likes and interests” were all the things I did with him. Hotels, music, adventures ALL were stolen from me.
    In the land of “MEH” this crap doesn’t exist anymore. Yay for me!

    • I hope this didn’t ruin your tagline. This is mindblowing.

  • The retreads is because it’s like turning back the clock to a moment when they were younger and so many things were ‘firsts’.

    Even if they do have the imagination to come up with new ‘firsts’, they won’t do it because it doesn’t have the same resonance.

    Nope, they are trying to re-do their lives and that means re-living it.

    It’s like Groundhog Day but far less charming.

  • Does my TV count? Me, STBX, our kids and Schmoopie all have user profiles on our streaming service accounts!!

    It’s like getting the finger every time I go to watch a movie. Usually I give the TV the finger back.

  • To some extent, I can understand how some recycling takes place in a new relationship when it’s an extension of your own long-standing interests. For example, taking a new partner to see baseball when you have been a life-long lover of baseball stands to reason that every partner through the years has gone to see a game.

    It’s when they are repeating gifts, repeating how certain evenings play out, or appropriating ideas that are not original to them that it shows the dysfunction of who they are and how they conduct themselves in relationships.

    I am not privy to the details of the relationship with the OW since my ex left, but here’s a few things that I learned along the way:

    – While still with me in the middle of the affair, he gave both me and her the exact same Christmas gifts

    – A year before he left and before I understood he was cheating, I suggested a resolution for new years. During the euphoria of ringing in the new year with friends, I turned to him and said, “Honey, the kids are getting older now, and we need to bring some good old-fashioned fun back into our lives. First, let’s start having dinner parties again so we can get re-connected more with friends. Second, let’s start going to live music again – make sure we take in a concert and a music festival every year. We can manage that much now in our lives again.” I was so excited about turning a new leaf in our busy lives. We never did any of that in our last year together. However, in the secret email account I discovered, he proposed his vision of their life together when he leaves the marriage…filled with dinner parties and trips to concerts and music festivals.

    – On the night my ex proposed to me. He made a lovely Thai-inspired dinner for me. The chicken lemongrass soup really stood out for me. Never once did he ever make it again in our relationship. An hour after he left our house for good to move into his newly rented townhouse, I check the history on the computer that was left at our house. What was the last thing he looked up before leaving (and printed)? The recipe for chicken lemongrass soup.

    – His secret email account stored all the emails between him and schmoopsie the last three months of our marriage. During that time, he was pretending to work things out with me…told me he loved me, attended a couple’s therapy weekend that he signed us up for, started with a new marriage counsellor. Yet, according to his lovebombing emails, he detailed how he was trying to put distance between seeing her and when he left the marriage so that people would know that he didn’t leave the marriage because of an affair. He was working things out to give the appearance that he really tried but it just didn’t work out so that no one would suspect another woman and ever blame her. The emails go on to explain all the ways that he’s figured out how to make their relationship a success, despite it’s start as an affair, and “verbatim” starts to quote all the same commitments he was making to me in counselling sessions and repeating things that I was saying to him.

    – At one desperate point, I begged him to be a “hero” in my life…to be the man who stays and fights for me and our family, to be that example for our children. The next day, he composed a love-bombing email to schmoopsie stating that he wants to be her hero and be an example to her children.

    It’s sickening.

    I must admit that having this insight into his psyche has made me leery of any man. I have a hard time not being cynical that anything a man says is just a recycled move.

    • Your post is heartbreaking and I am sorry you dealt with this F*uckedupness.

      However, this is not a Man or Woman thing… is a Cheater thing.

      I don’t trust my STBX wife or believe anything she says as much as you do not believe your ex husband.

      I don’t even know what my 2 decades of marriage even meant to her or what was true and what was a lie. (and probably never will).

      There are tons of trustworthy men out there (I am glad to say I am one) as well as Women (I have already met another). I am more guarded now but I will not make a blanket statement about all women. You and I seemed to have unfortunately picked sparkly turds and previous spouses.

    • Shocking, gross, and unbelievable. As disturbing as a horror movie. Glad you have support here.

    • My stbx cheater also wrote ho-ho what I had said to him about OUR future together. This was during wreckonciliation. And recently, after I finally left him, he tried to convince me that the problem was how I felt and getting rid of him wasn’t going to help – using HER words to him years earlier when he had left her to be with me. And yes, she had similarities to me, looks and interests. One friend of mine said she was shocked when she Googled her and saw her pic as she was ”my copy”. Oh and when he moved back with me and DD after separation, he got rid of a bunch of stuff but brought his mattress. He was lying then that he was not with her during our separation but of voitte he was. So I ended up sleeping on a mattress he fucked her on. Gross.

  • Wow, y’all have shared some doozys above. It’s pretty clear that mirroring is a BIG part of disorder for a lot of people: my STBX (we are both women) mirrored me a lot, but also other people, esp. after D-Day #2 and I wasn’t giving her adequate kibbles anymore. A couple of times in wreckonciliation therapy, I even said out loud, “I don’t know who I’m talking to here. Sounds like you’re parroting X or Y (Switzerland friends).”

    But my contribution to the exercise today comes from right after D-Day #2 in August 2018, when my head was still all up in the mindfuck blender. I had gotten over my initial shock just enough to start asking specific questions, which of course STBX was never able to answer completely or honestly. (That’s one of the checkpoints in CL’s Genuine Naugahyde Remorse post: answering the questions.) One of my questions was: Do you love the AP? Corollary: Have you been exchanging loving language? STBX’s answer was, “No, I don’t love her, and I have resisted saying loving things out of respect for you.” (She informed me that she had recently realized that AP was not a good candidate for a life partner, since she would not be able to understand STBX’s academic work. Translation: STBX was fucking strange.)

    Right around that time, my older daughter opened an Instagram account, and I felt I should do the same to see her stuff and do my parental due diligence. After I established my account, I started adding contacts, and additional ones were suggested to me by the algorithms. Lo and behold, AP popped up, suggested no doubt because Instagram was one way she was connecting with STBX in their long-distance affair. So I clicked on AP’s profile and was gobsmacked. For one thing, there were oblique posts (no actual images of STBX, or the two of them together) of the places where they’d met, and lots of hashtag #ILoveYous, strongly suggesting that they were, in fact, exchanging lots of endearments. One of the most devastating images (for me) was of two Calico Critters kissing – and they were very familiar, since I had bought them for my younger daughter’s birthday a few weeks previously! I’m embarrassed to say that my cognition was so impaired by fresh trauma at that point that it took me a while to work out how AP came to post this image: STBX had taken the photo as younger daughter was playing, while I sat with the luggage in a different area of the ferryboat we were on – and then STBX sent it to AP, who posted it to IG with all the lovey hashtags. I literally almost vomited when I realized what had happened.

    But anyhoo, one of AP’s IG hashtags was #SweetThing – and then I KNEW that it wasn’t just AP lovebombing STBX, but that STBX must have returned at least some romantic language – because that’s one of STBX’s signature phrases, though of course I thought it was specific to me. Again, I wanted to vomit when I first saw it.

    A few months later (January 2019), I found a saved dump of texts between STBX and AP from the last 7 weeks or so of their “relationship,” including the time during which I experienced D-Day and its aftermath. OF COURSE, STBX had told AP many times that she loved her – she was lying her ass off when I asked my question. In fact, she continued telling AP she loved her even after we had that conversation.

    This is a tough nugget for me, because even to this day I do not think that STBX is intentionally manipulating people – she is so disordered that she honestly doesn’t think that what she’s done is wrong, and she compartmentalizes so completely (and spirals into shame/self-blame so quickly) that she literally can’t access certain feelings or facts after the fact, if they might cause her pain. None of that is acceptable to me – indeed, I might find it a little less disturbing if I thought that her lies and manipulations were intentional, because then at least it would seem like she’s more in control of herself. (I mention this detail in case new chumps also see that their cheaters seem way more confused than malicious.) Either way, I’ve washed my hands of STBX’s bullshit. But yeah, there’s very little emotional pain like seeing your spouse of almost 25 years calling someone else by her personal term of endearment for you. But, as everyone else has noted above, she’s far from original.

    In the future, if I’m ever in another relationship (currently highly unlikely!), mirroring of any kind will be a huge red flag for me.

  • I’m dreading having to see or hear about him & her going to our favourite bars, restaurants or holiday locations together. It takes me back to being sick to my stomach. Questioning whether he picked up two of the same christmas/valentines cards makes my heart ache. Falling second is so painful. Does this ease eventually?

    • It does when karma hits (and it always does) and if you’re lucky you’ll get to watch.

  • I saw in his texts with the OW that he used many of the same pet phrases we had, including one we picked up from a funny thing my dog did when I met him. And how he wanted to cook her a dinner recipe that I had taught him. And wanting to take her to the places we planned to go. And how smart she thought he was for watching a show I introduced him to. She didn’t know it, but she was really f-ing me as much as she was him.

    Then the Instagram photo she publicly posted of them on an outdoor excursion, wearing his hat, while I still had dozens of the exact type of photo in my feed, but I was replaced by a much younger twit.

    And yes, when I tracked down all the other twits he was flirting with online, they all looked the same, a much younger version of me. But I don’t look like that anymore because I have been burning the candle at both ends supporting him and his career and his extracurricular crap he kept adding on, and our kids, and our house, and our family as a one person show.

    Then there were all of his praises and oozing over her for doing things that he criticized and put me down for doing too. Icing.

    • Like an episode of the Twilight Zone, psychological horror edition.

  • My first red flag was a year into our relationship. He had given me 5 rings and the first time we broke up I gave them all back to him. When we got back together he only returned 4 of them. He said he gave his mom one of them to keep in her safe. His mom was perplexed when I asked her and I just knew I smelled a rat but I dropped it, mostly out of fear of being lied to, which is a common recurring theme for 99. 999 percent of us chumps. Turns out everytime we broke up he was with one of his ex gfs. And yes he had regifted my ring to her I later found out. Duh!

    Once I even found a blow dryer that didn’t belong to me after we had broken up again and gotten back together. He said he had bought it for his son so he can dry his hair after he swam. Such a sorry excuse and yet we buy into that shit time and time again. I still married the fucker 7 years into the relationship.

    Closer to the end of the marriage I found texts between him and his AP with the common 2 word phrases I knew all too well that he would send me… ‘love u’ ‘miss u’ ‘where u’. His way of communication. Just gross.

    The hardest part I find is mourning the loss of the illusion I thought I had. But then all the dreadful memories come back and I wonder how I survived with the narcissist so long. I get upset and sad at how vulnerable and naive I was. Dday is a year out. Before that I was as blind as a bat, not listening to my intuition. Never again.

    We have to believe patterns. They present themselves all the time.

    Now stbx is going full force with his mistress. Since we are finally divorcing he told me he is so happy with her and he is loved and appreciated. It’s funny to see him uploading statuses directed at her on his social media that are completely opposite of who he really is. Funny because he pulled the same shit on me in the beginning. They lure you in and then fuck you up. But defeat is no longer an option. I win. I’m taking my life and power back. Let those bitches have them.

    • They lure you in and fuck you up
      So perfectly said, my x did it to two women
      So far

  • A lot of stories here today that speaks to a cheaters tendency to mirror chump qualities.

    My dday 8/2017 was after sex with x. I knew something was wrong. She knew I knew. Then,…
    “I’ve got something to tell you but I’m not sure I’m ready yet”.

    She abandoned & moved into her lover boy’s camper after their Labor Day Fuckfest. Fast forward about 7 months into our separation when I pulled the trigger on divorce. (6 months required in VA. without children involved). No contact mastered rather quickly thanks to SI and mostly CL/CN/LACGAL.

    BTW, Lover boy HAS MY 1st NAME. ShooWee.

    I get my first Hoover “I done you wrong will you take me back”? Ummmmm. No Fucking way!!

    Once the settlement paperwork was signed she had her freedom, I had mine. No contact from about three months into it was critical for my sanity rebuild.

    She was wrapped up in her shiny fantasy whilst I learned about divorce law and getting a good property settlement for myself.

    I pain shopped earlier in the storm but fought to give it up. Even asking what she’s doing was futile to recovery. Last she showed her face at my door was 4 months post divorce when I told her I never wanted to see her again. I had blocked all routes of contact because of the disgust I felt towards her. Much akin to finding a freezer burned pack of ground beef one threw outside 3 weeks earlier. Anathema.

    My brother OD’d from heroin Monday before last and I stayed with my mom the week following to support her. I’d deleted x’s contact information from my phone thinking that I’d be safe as there was NC since 2018.

    Lo and behold I get an email and text message from x. No doubt she heard about my brother and saw her chance at re-entry.

    A niece in her FOO tree passed the week before, and She wanted two external hard drives which supposedly had pictures from a trip they’d made to Chicago for a Navy function. I was working out of town at a trade show at the time.

    She asked “if I could find it in my heart to give them back to her” (sniff/sob)! Immediately I blocked her again and replied with CRICKETS ????. And a few explicatives to myself at the transparency of her motives.

    She abandoned me, the house, the dogs and all her possessions at discard. I policed theses drives during discard and wiped both. Just as I did my FB account relative to any pictures she was in.
    That process of removing her images was cathartic and also an extension of NC therapy.

    Cheaters are ‘history revisionists’. Their common Goto illusion used in AP triangulation. I revised my history by eliminating all memories of ‘us’ realizing that ‘us’ was in and of itself an illusion.

    I’m firmly against any contact or content with, or from this slut looser. I’m prepared to call our local sheriff to have her arrested for trespassing if she steps foot on my property.

    I don’t monitor the Karma channel for confirmation of Schadenfreud. Tracy advises not gloating over either because…centrality. Centrality is reserved for ME now. Shields ???? Up.

    • “My brother OD’d from heroin Monday before last and I stayed with my mom the week following to support her.”
      I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m also sorry that your cheater used this as an opening, feigning empathy. Stay strong. No contact is your shield.

  • My ex sang to me at our wedding reception. It was some shitty country song called “Amazed”. It was actually pretty embarrassing to me because one, I hate country and two, it was like a tacky karaoke rendition but I just smiled and powered through it.

    Fast forward to his wedding to the OW . . . he sang the same song to her at their reception. I found out about it because of a comment she posted on Facebook.

    There are more instances . . . but too specific to mention here. lol

  • Between the time I walked out and when I filed for divorce, my x demanded back all the letters and cards he had ever given me. Little did he know that I had already destroyed all of it (extremely satisfying endeavor that included me ripping items to pieces and then putting them through a shredder for good measure!). Now I am wondering if he was planning to recycle some of his ‘work’ to court the naive 20-somethings he was spending a lot of time with. I’ll never know, because I refused to join the marriage police; after I realized that he was spending his nights texting 20-something twits from his gym while I worked late in to the night, trying to keep us afloat financially by working two jobs, I was too disgusted to look any further.

  • OMG I’ve been too embarrassed to ever tell my friends/daughters that the engagement ring he gave me had been cut off his dead wife’s hand just before the casket was closed. We were 3 years married when his adult daughter told me because she had wanted her mother’s rings. I was appalled to find out. I asked him about it and he said there was no reason for a valuable ring to go to waste. I asked him if his daughters wouldn’t like to have their mother’s rings. He said he had asked them and they didn’t want them.

    • Ummm… WHAT?!??

      When I read this, my mouth literally fell open and I stared into space for 45 seconds trying to comprehend what I read.

      Cut off his dead wife’s finger? So it doesn’t “go to waste” then to have given it to you, unknowing?

      I am sorry you had to deal with such a soulless waste of skin. Unbelievable.

  • Too many to list. Where do I start?

    The weekend before I dumped his lying arse, he spent 8 hours (!) on the toilet with the door closed with his phone “shitting”.

    Our kids spent about the same amount of time and NOTHING got done unless by me.

    So the following weekend I said no devices for the household. I caved in when I sent kids to his parents for the night and gave them both my phones on drop off.

    Lucky I did. That night, sexy time, listening to old albums I asked to borrow his phone to search up an album, he reluctantly gave it over, in camera text from unknown number, I opened it, it was a reply to a girl on girl porn gif he had sent.

    Finally I had my out after 8 months of stonewalling and denial.

    He tried saying it was a guy when I asked who it was (I’d caught him with a guy before and said I didn’t want to be a beard or someone who kept him from his true gay self, long story but was on the basis of honesty and transparency). I laughed. Then why is it girl on girl? I dumped him then and there.

    He’s obsessed with porn and women’s underwear. He really buys women underwear (lovebombing mostly) for himself. To wear. AGP with mummy issues. Over the months I discovered all the women he had been seeing. Looked one up on insta, and there she was in MY underwear 3 months before I found out about her. He was buying one for me and one for her. On my credit card.

    Fast forward and another woman reaches out to me after I’d left him, to connect some dots. As we talked and became friends, she asked me if a few pieces of underwear (not pants – girdles and shapewear mostly) were mine. Yes they were. He had passed them off as new, they weren’t.

    I confronted him. Get this. He said I had down it all in the bin! I had thrown some stuff in the bin but not that stuff. I said that’s worse than stealing it from my drawers if you are stealing it from the trash out on the street.

    Underwear was his lovebomb move. I saw cards to her accompanying underwear, same drivel he’d pull with me. All while screwing at least 2 or 3 other people at the same time. I did bank account forensics and found so many purchases inn our card that never made it to me. I’ll put it this way. I’m not plus size, the purchases were from plus size underwear sites.

    I love buying my own underwear now. He wouldn’t let me buy it (not sexy enough). It was all for him and his other women. It’s gross.

  • This is so amusing/shocking. We were all married to the same basic person! My cheater went to the same country for his honeymoon with OW. Same cities even. And hed been to that country TWICE, once for our honeymoon and once with my family. Three times?! How boring!

  • One night when leaving a trendy club I walked passed her and the guy she cheated with waiting to get in. They were there with a group of Swiss friends and I attempted to walk past the group . I was noticed and the ex sent one of the Swiss to get me to come over to introduce me. I politely declined and said I’d wait for the movie version to come out. The poor bastard was #2 of 4. I met him 5 years later. Not a bad guy she could have done worse…he definitely did .

    • So my husband is gay though he may never officially come out. I realized at one point that whether he stayed with me or left me he was having an affair. Because if he stayed with me he was having an affair with his closet.

      But when we were “working on the marriage,” I was trying desperately to get him to see how much I loved him because He kept insisting the real problem was that he never felt I loved him. And so I thought if he just could see this finally, then of course this would help him understand how hurt I was! Haha! To discover that I the person I loved so much had treated me so badly. Like that would convince him.

      But before long he was trying to convince me he loved me! because he really loved his closet and that meant he had to keep me. I was the spurned woman and the affair partner all at the same time.

      So I had finally shown him an inscription I had written in a collection book of memories I gathered for his 50th birthday some years earlier. One of the things I wrote was, “you are the most interesting man I have ever met.”

      Meanwhile, I had asked him if he ever loved me, and he was saying things like “what is love?“ When I asked why he married me, he was saying, “because you were a strong and independent woman who would not require emotional connection from me.”

      But months later, Of course I was still reeling, and I asked again through my grief, “why did you ever marry me?”

      And he answered, “you were the most interesting person I had ever met…”

      At that moment I could tell he was mirroring me. I also saw it in his accusations toward me toward the end. “You take away the things I care about!!’ I just kept hearing my own words over and over, out of his mouth, to win me over, or on alternate days, to explain how I deserved all his cruel treatment and distance because I abused him (?).

      My words to the affair partner—me. It was terrifying.

      • “But before long he was trying to convince me he loved me! because he really loved his closet and that meant he had to keep me. I was the spurned woman and the affair partner all at the same time.”

        This sounds eerily similar to my situation. Now I am connecting a few more dots about my situation.


  • My wuzband was enjoying new places with OW while having me as babysitter. Had started to wonder why we hadn’t been on date night in so long. However, they fell into twu wuv as he would bring her kimchi fries, our favorite kids are asleep/uber eats indulgence, at the office. I didn’t like him spending money on her or sharing our favs. We argued about this for a year before I realized on dday the gaslighting/conspiracy/abuse/sham. 1 year anniversary of DDay and i’m pretty much completely over him. Almost to the point i’m not sure if there would be hArm in being friends?

  • ExH all of a sudden became a Jimmy Buffet fan ( who I had seen every summer ) & he went be -grudgingly. And OW started attending football games at our college with our alumni friends when she never even to college ! Also – Whenever I wanted to drink champagne he would reply I don’t like champagne but caught him buying very expensive bottles of champagne and hiding them in his office

  • I’m going to go with the theme of copycatting on a different level because my cheater’s lack of originality regarding other aspects of cheating was so astounding unoriginal that it might put everyone to sleep.

    Someone here mentioned “narcissistic turf grabbing” a while back: the seeming compulsion of some cheaters to drag affair partners like some crotch-ooze covered rag all over the wife and kids’ meaningful turf like a dog peeing to mark territory.

    Me thinks me smells a “thing.” I wondered if anyone else had seen a bit of this “thing,”

    This kind of turf grabbing requires effort, sometimes great lengths, and definitely goes beyond laziness. I thought it verged on single-white-female-by-proxy-behavior (reference to the 90’s film).

    The only thing I can’t figure out is whether the compulsion was driven by the cheater’s own need to swill together or “toxically overlap” his affair with his family life– memories and places that had great meaning to the family–either to 1) “cleanse” the stink of the affair with “eau de family wholesomeness,” or 2) the even uglier motive to defile and destroy family memories entirely, or 3) if the acts were driven by the frantic takeover campaign and demands of the Trashgoblin –my daughter’s name for the “AP” (because, as a therapist told me, teen girls often sniff out affairs before anyone else. Talk about toxic overlap).

    Here’s some Single-White-Trashgoblin-by-Proxyisms:

    –Putting the Trashgoblin’s cell phone number under my initials on his phone. This was explained because if his phone lit up with that contact, people at work would think it was his wife. But still– super creepy.

    –Driving Trashgoblin past the house where we raised our children. This was done at the behest of Trashgoblin who’d been trying every ploy to get into our house whenever the kids and I were out of town seeing extended family. Trashgoblin had repeatedly offered to “clean” the house (i.e., pee in all the corners) when the cheater discouraged the invasion on the excuse the house was too messy. But still she got a drive-by.
    The house and all its memories are now completely tainted for me.

    –Wearing clothes and ski gear I’d just bought him on dates and trips with Trashgoblin.

    –The cheater texting “cute puppy” memes to our daughter that Trashgoblin had just sent him when she was plying cheater to buy her a purebred dog.

    –The cheater trying to teach non-cooking Trashgoblin an elaborate dish I’d learned while living in France as a student.
    Granted this was his attempt to bring down the affair pricetag by selling the “romance” of cooking-at-home in Trashgoblin’s tasteless hobbit condo (that her dad bought her, ew) rather than having to drop two bills on pricey food and booze at one of the trendy bistros on Trashgoblin’s endlessly emailed hinty 5 Star lists.
    But still. I’m the one who minored in French lit and it was my adapted recipe. Also super creepy.

    -Driving Trashgoblin past the beaches where our children first toddled into the waves as babies.

    –Giving Trashgioblin a copy of my favorite book which the cheater and I had talked about the first day we met (it gathered dust. She preferred Cosmo and pulp fiction).

    -Taking Trashgoblin for a Five Star weekend in my hometown on her demand.

    -Showing Trashgoblin realtor photos of our vacation apartment that we’d scrimped and saved forever to get.
    Granted she’s the one who pestered to see the photos, naturally wanting to check out all her future properties once I’d been driven to suicide or was otherwise kicked to the curb, etc.

    -Telling Trashgoblin about the obscure medical diet that one of our sons and I have to be on for an autoimmune condition because some people use the diet to slim down. Apparently Trashgoblin snooped some family pictures and freaked out that cheater might prefer “skinny with big boobs,” so cheater fed the bottomless pit of Trashgoblin’s need to hear “negative things about the wife” by saying I was “too thin.”
    No western woman ever hears that as a bad thing even if it’s meant as a put-down, so she decided she had to lose weight.
    In the end the special diet was too challenging, requiring planning and cooking so she reverted back to binging and purging all that expensive bistro kibble.

    -Giving her hundreds in cash for her birthday because, after hearing one too many times how our kids are musical prodigies, she suddenly decided she had to play the notoriously expensive musical instrument she’d studied once for six months in 7th grade and never touched again.
    She never did end up getting the instrument, never took a lesson. She complained the cash was not enough to buy the top of the line, hand-crafted thingy she wanted. In the end it seems competing for even the attention and resources cheater gave his kids on that score was also too challenging. Trashgoblin spent the money on full Brazilian waxing sessions instead.

    There might be other turf grabs, copycatting and toxic overlaps that I don’t know about bit I thought the above was disturbing enough.

    I did hear from an ally that after she was dumped following D-Day, Trashgoblin began wearing unweildy padded bras, lost so much weight she looked like a “beef jerky puppet” and tried to upgrade her mall wardrobe. But she still doesn’t play music, speak French, cook or read Sartre so I think my identity and my kids’ identities are safe for the moment.

    Was cheater actively trying to turn Trashgoblin into me or just aiding a Single-White-Trashgoblin campaign?

    Another skein. There seem to be endless WTFuckeries involved in cheating until we swap notes and find out cheaters and poachers generally follow a limited series of predictable patterns.

  • A few days before I found out about my husbands, at least, second affair, I woke up at 330 am to go to work and he decided that he wanted to get a little. It didn’t happen because of some ed problems so I got ready and went to work. A day or 2 after I found out and told him I was leaving, I asked him why he even was touching me since he has this ow and he said “well, I went a bought some of those blue pills and took them and I wanted to see if they worked is all”… basically, I was a test hole for his ow.

    • Me too! while I was dancing but still unawares he would test things on me for the OW. also he started wanting to make out again after years of that not being included so much. realized later he was comparing us or the passion he felt. After I caught him and all the stress, he ended up with a totally limp one. Part of me wonders if his discovery of the blue pills years earlier prompted a rampage that was never disclosed… I only know about OW. But seems like lots of pills were unaccounted for. My ex father in law did the same thing at 65. discovered cialis and it was a whole new world.

  • Thank you for that. I have been feeling like such a loser because of this. I thought I was the only one this had happened to. I’m so sorry for what you have had to endure.

    • ((((Wendy))))
      YOU are so not a loser, but I am so glad you lost him.
      I am so sorry that this happened to you.
      I believe YOU are MIGHTY!
      ( he is trash)!

  • Oh yeah! He recycles his pet names for me, for her. Cute, huh? And “never fucked them in our bed” – just our children’s and everywhere else – oh, and our bed at the lake house. Both of the long term Schmoopies, especially the current one, in the lake house we built, I decorated, we still own together – that I no longer go to, because eewwwww.

    Fucking not-in-our-main-bedroom, what a gentleman he is, right? So chivalrous.

    When he was leaving me for her, we continued to live together for seven months, I got a legal agreement drawn up, a cease and desist. She was not to set foot in my homes.

    I went away at New Years, and guess where Schmoopie came, and fucked my partner of thirty years, defying the legal protection order mandating her to stay out of my house? Bingo!!!

    Yeah, I like arthouse film. Guess who is being “educated” to enjoy same? Basic bitch scorpiogirl who just wanted someone to share coffee and walks in the park with.

    Ugh. #dickheads

  • Cheaters aren’t original, and sadly I found out that I wasn’t so special, either. When we visited his hometown, he dragged me to all of his favorite spots. I found out recently, that those spots were special because of previous girlfriends. It wasn’t that the food was “the best po-boys in New Orleans,” but that it was Crystal’s favorite haunt, and he thought perhaps he’d see her there. Ditto for all the other places he would take me when we visited. We went the same places and did the same things he’d done with former girlfriends.

    I don’t know where he is now, or what he’s doing. He’s blocked everywhere I can block him. I’m hoping to achieve “Meh” next Tuesday.

  • The X gave his AP the same gifts he gave me when we first started dating 15 years ago. It was bizarre. That’s when I knew that we were interchangeable. That it didn’t matter what I liked, because that’s what he does – he has an idea of what makes “good” gifts, and they’re not because he understands or cares for me, but because he doesn’t, so his gifts were cookie-cutter. It was all about him, even the “handmade” birthday cards too. It was about him showing himself off, not about me.

    The AP must have thought he was romantic and all that. Nope. Tired, same old shit.

  • Same holiday destinations. Berlin as a family. Berlin with OW#1 and Berlin with OW#2 all within sapce of 2 years and not long after we’d had a baby (both OW ran concurently an apparently he was away working). Same art poster on all our walls. He and slag#2 were going to buy same couch as we had!

  • Bought the book, love the book and found the website. I’m not familiar with the vernacular here yet. Long story short. My cheater flew the OM to our city and treated him to breakfast at the restaurant we frequent as a family. She then took him to Dealy Plaza and to the Arts Museum (Dallas). After which they spent the night together in a hotel. This is what we did with our kids and it bothered me that she invited the OM in our circle but now I understand why. OH FYI the OM only paid for the hotel. She paid for EVERYTHING else and drove him around in the family SUV. Shit why not…She has herpes and was diagnosed 10 years ago while pregnant with my daughter. She didn’t have the consideration to even tell the OM!!! Narcissistic is an understatement.

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