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Tell Me How You’re COVID-Era Mighty

So today’s Friday Challenge is an mightiness update for the current hellscape we find ourselves living in — global pandemic, murder hornets, bad hair — and tell CN how you’re coping.

To the people who are teaching themselves Cantonese and macrame-ing wallhangings with fibers they harvested from their own free-range sheep — I salute you, but this column is not for you.

This challenge is for every single parent coping with 99.9 of the homeschooling and 0 percent support. For every person stuck in captivity with a fuckwit who can’t finalize their divorce. (Lawyers Zoom now — line those ducks up!) For every solitary chump who needs a hug. This is the MIGHTY I’m talking about.

Tell me about it.

TGIF! (or whatever day it is… they just blend into each other on and on and on and on…)

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • On a personal note, my son graduated from college this week. <3

    I’ll take a bit of a mighty bow on that, even though it’s his accomplishment. It’s a weird time but we did our best to celebrate him.

    And my stepson graduates this coming week — so congrats to him and Mr. CL too!

      • OMG. I started to worry when I didn’t immediately see your post! Wasn’t sure how to start my day. Happy Friday!

        • Got a late start today. Up too late. Don’t read the news before bed.

          • Congratulations to you and your son. Wish you could have a big party!

          • Precious Tracy! You were / are the sane parent to an awesome young man! Therefore, it is your accomplishment, as well.

            And I dare say he is the sort of man who is more than thrilled to give his mighty Mom the credit that is due!

            Thank you so much for sharing your and Mr CL’s happy news!

            Love all of this great Nation as we all STILL ForgeOn!

          • Thanks for everything you do and for making lemonade out of what you were handed????
            We’re existing together however very minimal contact. He’s in the spare room. His daughters room actually. The 12 year old he hasn’t seen since end of March! Because his ex is keeping her due to “whatever’s going on at your house”. What?!? Oh, you mean like holding your daughter accountable for her actions? Having her do school work or asking her to clean her room?
            Outside of that I don’t see our household being any concern. She’s always been safe and secure. Even more than with mom.
            The KICKER: (and I emailed you about this beginning of April)
            SHE is the one he cheated with and has always manipulated/controlled every situation because the baby is what she’s had over him. All. These. Years. TEN to be exact. Ten years I gave him and now I find they’ve cheated TWICE. And not just two times… two separate ROUNDS I’ll call it. That’s one more than I knew of until that sunny day April 3rd
            She wants a “meeting” with him or the daughter not coming to see him.
            This is the woman who couldn’t care less if I had her daughter two months without a phone call on summer breaks. Or who calls at 4 pm on the day of the child’s birthday to see what WE did. Or the one who always said- go ahead and keep her for Christmas I don’t have any plans.
            And the woman who my step daughter would cry about not wanting to spend time with her
            Yup. That’s who he ruined me for. Thanks
            I’m still teetering every day
            I still cry at least once a day and I look like HELL
            I think I’ll hit my yoga mat and take a shower. Maybe eat
            I need CN and CL right now
            Thanks again and God Bless

            • It didn’t work out the first time with these two loser cheaters and it won’t work out this time either. However, not your concern. You’ll grieve,that is natural but I’m betting it won’t be long till you are relieved to be rid of the loser. Lots of exercise and yoga till then!

              • Thank you!!! I’m so nervous about making a mistake
                Think I feel guilty like he and his daughter need me. It’s tough not fair

            • ((Hugs)) If it makes you feel any better, we all look like hell right now. Cheating with his ex… he’s a cliche. I hope your stepdaughter is okay, keep being the sane adult in her life.

              • I truly hope she’s ok too… she’ll need definite help and I hope they can be “adult” enough to know this.
                My daughter had a dream something bad happened and she hugged my step daughter tight and said everything’s going to be okay. Maybe that was HER goodbye in a sense.
                Thank you so much I’m getting closer to filing these papers every dingle day. I have the emergency filing form. So nervous! I know I have to make this move
                I can’t imagine working back full time with this hanging over my head and in my heart. TSA where all the germs are and everyone hates me haha- (I was already having some issues with him lying and hiding things. Usually about the daughter.) What a mess
                Everyone keep your heads high ok? TOMORROWS ANOTHER DAY

    • Such wonderful news! Congratulations to all the graduates – and their harried parents (Fuckwit parents don’t count).

    • Congrats to them both!! Yes it is a weird time! I am a teacher and e-learning with both of my young kids. One is on the spectrum, so his whole team Zooms with us weekly. Thinking it is time to teach my oldest some light house techniques and reward her:). I am exhausted and miss adult interaction of any kind LOL.

    • Congratulations to the mighty chump kids and their amazing parents! One sane parent really can make all the difference! <3

    • Oh that is fantastic!!! Congratulations to you and Mr. Chump Lady! Your sons can be proud!!!!

    • Congratulations to both young men and the proud Mr. and Mrs. Chump Lady!
      This is a time when jobs and dreams (and dream jobs) are on hold or non-existent.
      I hope both sons will be graced with the positive attitude and sense of family and community that their parents have.
      Wishing everyone good health and happiness ❤️

    • Wow! I remember reading this blog while he was in high school. Now he’s graduating from college. Well done! And congrats to your step-son.

      One of my neighbors’ sons just graduated from high school this year. It’s a big accomplishment. His church, which is right around the corner, had a big parade for him, with cars and people walking past, playing music, and generally wishing him well. City-wide (and I’m in a small city), residents have the option to “adopt” a graduate, which means they will send some kind of token of congratulations. It’s been very meaningful to the students. My neighbor said that it was a bit sad that they didn’t get the big graduation, but I told her that he will remember this for the rest of his life.

    • What a time to graduate! Both young men will always remember this. Congratulations!

    • Congratulations to your son and Mr. CL’s son. I already left a comment about me , but this year my oldest daughter is getting her master degree in student counseling and development, and my youngest is graduating high school with the intention of becoming a physician. Last year my second daughter became a licensed practical nurse at 19 years old; she works full time and is furthering her education.

    • Congrats to them both and the sane parents who supported them!

    • Congratulations to the [now grown] kiddos and to you and Mr. CL. I know from teaching kids who don’t have family support what a difference it makes to college students to have family cheering them on, interested in their lives and progress.

  • Congratulations about your son graduating

    I’m a solitary chump 24/7
    I’ve lost my job and can’t see my friends in person
    I’m video calling them though which has really helped .

    After my ex left I learned to drive ( yes at 45 better late than never ) and past my driving test in January and I’m so glad I did as I can now get to places like the beach which is so nice

    • Karenb, that is truly mighty! I salute your badassery! I’m so glad you made that happen for yourself. “Oh, the places you will go!” The beach is a wonderful destination. Congratulations!

        • Karen, Congratulations! Learning to drive is a wonderful, BIG accomplishment!

    • Congratulations!!!
      Oh, the world is soooo different once you can drive!!!!

      I’d gotten my license (late, at 23), but basically never drove again and when I lived with my cheater and I was reliant on him to get anywhere (we lived in a rural beach area). I remember at that time, how very limited my sense of personal independence was!!! When I later got a car and started driving, it opened up so many options MENTALLY that I wasn’t even able to fathom before that.

    • I just learned to drive last year at 47! In 24 years and 50 weeks of marriage, my f*ckwit never suggested that I learn or offered to teach me on our car; I was terrified of it and even more terrified that if I got thee license I’d end up the designated driver hauling f*ckwit’s drunk self out of bars. I moved across the country post-divorce and bought a new house in the country so I learned. Had to unless I wanted to take up subsistence farming LOL. Congrats to you–it’s just so freaking liberating even if I’ve been told I drive like a granny.

      • Fantastic! There’s nothing wrong with driving like a granny. Mr. CL drives that way (he once did personal injury law, he says that slowed him down.)

    • That is truly badass! For some reason, I was terrified of driving and terrified of bridges. Drove in my town but couldn’t venture out. No family and no friends here. Realized I had to get on with my life. Managed to visit my daughter in Mt. Pleasant, SC, ( 2 scary incidents on the bridge) but thank God for google maps., I have been there 3 times since then and my pup and I love the drive!

  • The first thing I though when this whole this started is thank God I don’t have to shelter with the X. What a nightmare that would have been. On top of his rages he also thought he was sick with some deadly disease each time a new one came out. My youngest informed me his dad thought he had COVID…but he didn’t and even if he did, he was still going out and about so, it’s all about him of course.

    But I am blessed! I am working from home. I didn’t have to hoard anything, already am well stocked and I do have a garden and free range chickens. I figured after the divorce and my X took all he could, I might have to be more self sufficient. I decided when I filed that I would rather live in a box under a bridge than spend one more day with him. I started preparing for the worst years ago.

    Leaving a cheating abuser does teach you something about saving money and taking care of yourself!

    • I would rather live in a box under a bridge than spend one more day with him.

      This really made me laugh! Thanks CTTM – maybe you should be Mighty to the Max!

    • @ChumpToTheMax Bravo to you ❤️ I told my ex I will live in a box, down by the river, before I stay married to his gaslighting ass one more day ????????????
      Happy to hear you lived your truth – sans cardboard box instead filled with adventure.

      Happy stories.

  • There is a lesson for me in the midst of the collective trauma of the Covid Pandemic. I can be alone. I can manage on my own. I can get through this isolation. I don’t have to sacrifice my morals, values and needs to pacify a fuckwit or anyone for that matter. I’m ok, just me, myself and I.

    I’m Covid mighty because I do wear a mask. Here in this little Midwest town I only see a few others wearing them. I am an outlier in Pandemic preparedness. I make masks and give them away. That is part of my Covid mightiness.

    STBX was quoted by his lawyer as claiming “There is no risk from Covid.” That filled me with delight as it is further confirmation that he is an idiot. My Covid mightiness is accepting this is a deadly virus ten times more deadly than flu. I realized the gaslighting from the current “leadership”. There is my Covid mightiness I am gaslight proof. I am finally able to see a red flag.
    That is my Covid Mightiness, I think for myself.

    • You are very mighty! It’s fantastic that you are making masks and GIVING THEM AWAY! That’s a wonderful thing to do, and you’re making a difference – I think of it as making the world a better place. Thank you for your important contribution!

      I am managing alone too. I keep busy by advocating for my older brother, who has been back and forth between the hospital and rehab center. He has been Covid-19 positive for 5 weeks (got it at the rehab center, where there’s a major outbreak) but fortunately no respiratory illness. He has experienced a worsening of his cognitive abilities, which his neurologist says could partly be due to Covid.

      We hired private duty caregivers to be with him since we aren’t allowed to visit. So I’m constantly on the phone with doctors, nurses, caregivers, social workers, discharge planners, etc.

      Nursing homes/rehab centers need major overhaul because even supposedly good ones have discourteous staff members, make medication errors, skimp on hygiene – if not for the private duty caregiver, I wouldn’t have known they used his Covid positive status as an excuse to give my brother bed baths only, claiming that showers create aerosols, and a nurse friend said that might explain a recent urinary tract infection which made him considerably more confused. (A call to the health department confirmed there is no CDC recommendation to avoid showering Covid patients, and they asked me right away if I wanted to file a complaint.)

      Covid-19 is apparently keeping many of us busy, even those of us living alone (and fortunately, fuckwit-free!)

  • Congratulations for the Graduations!
    I’m being Mighty by holding it together for my adult son who is fighting depression while I’m going through settlement. Grateful for my kickass lawyers who are filtering XHole’s toxic emails.

  • I am doing home improvements to the house I took Yeah right. They never stop blaming you for their actions. But now that doesn’t bother me. I am smiling at my new sexy gutters-who knew that they could ever be sexy – and the new stucco. Just like that it looks amazing and makes me happy. It’s revitalizing to make over all the shit into sparkly pretty stuff. Doing the workout moving 4 tons of rock with a wheelbarrow Planting watering and generally smiling a lot. Oh and btw I am improving my espanol. No rope hangy things though. Happy Friday. It’s in to painting facia board and overcoming my hatred of ladders. CN rules!!

    • Omg I hear you! I get a sexy new roof next week and cutting 50 ft of new gardens. I’m getting back to my home improvement mightiness and everything I learned rehabbing years ago pre- Dday that was suppressed by10 years of near constant litigation with Douchecanoe is coming back to me. I’ve been almost total NC since January and it’s been liberating!

      • Douchecanoe ???????????? that’s my favorite thing I’ve read all week! Thank you for the laughs!

  • I am starting to cut myself more slack. I’m going to fuck up decisions and actions from time to time. I’m trying to balance saying no and yes with a reasonable dose of
    “how important is it… no really, how important is it”? I have an eighth grader getting a graduation in a box but no one in my immediate family or network has Covid19. Anyone else hearing choruses of “Let it go…” in their heads right about now?

  • Last week I had to summon my inner bitch from hell and launch her at the Fuckwit. I was trying to be civilised, accommodating and ‘nice’ to the Fuckwit while we negotiated the property settlement. After he’d refused to give my lawyer his address and missed a response deadline (as Fuckwit is a lawyer he should know better) Inner Bitch from Hell came out & showed him who he’d be dealing with for the next year if he were to continue the delay tactics. He sent a fairly decent settlement proposal within a couple of hours of the altercation. I’m not accepting it but it’s a step in the right direction. Fuckwits don’t deserve civilised behaviour.

  • Out shelter in place order came down on March 17.

    On the morning of March 16, I realized my XH’s inability to be honest and his secret sexual double life could have serious or even fatal consequences. In addition to our business still operating, he patronizes illicit massage parlors, hooks up on Tinder, and was/is lying about who he living with the Craigslist cockroach. I emailed our daughter’s pediatrician with my concerns and the known facts of my XH’s activities. He sent me an email back with a directive to suspend visitation and for our daughter to not transfer households until the order is lifted.

    I have a friend who is a brilliant epidemiologist at UCSF and she had the virus. I listen to her. It’s nice to have a friend in the pandemic field for backup validation.

    I think daily of the impact of this virus on the lives of people who are involved with a cheater, especially those chumps still in the dark. It adds a level of threat that no one could ever have imagined. It doesn’t surprise me at all to hear that cheaters are still meeting up with their adultery accomplices. It just confirms what sick, slick, selfish people they are. If you glance at the OW forums it has added a level of thrill, not threat, to their cheating game. Maybe Darwin is helping us out.

    My XH at first rolled his eyes when I proposed suspending visitation prior to the response from the pediatrician. He’s very on board now, but it would not surprise me if it was just because it frees him up that much more.

    • VH – UCSF! you are from the Bay Area. I am as well and as much as I have complained prior to this pandemic about living here, I am glad now that I do. HOWEVER, I need your help. I have the “special” Fuckwit and father. He is visiting his affair partner’s houses with our daughter and the other AP and he went to an AIRBNB in California with a pool and treating this pandemic as a vacation. Sadly he was awarded 50/50 through lies and manipulations of our custody mediator. Now my young daughter doesn’t want to go back to Dad’s house. Does not like his girlfriend, her teen daughter and her fight all the time. Courts are closed and I am high risk to COVID (Asthma). I have not left my house unless I absolutely have too. (Pharmacy , gas and drop offs)

      It gets worse. My daughter had to share a bed with Dad and GF at the AirBNB. The teen girl and she got into a big fight; “their kissing kept her awake” She wouldn’t say more about it and I told her therapist. He is truly disgusting and I feel I cannot protect her. Luckily I have my village and lots of wine. My attorney’s hands are tied unless “one” of these mandatory reporters (my therapist or her therapist calls CPS. They are both fuckwits and have no boundaries. My DD is now noticing how the GF takes priority over her and blaming the relationship.

      It truly does suck – trying to divorce this bastard and he won’t budge on settlement without a court date which won’t happen until our state reaches stage 3. I am stuck and sometimes feel helpless. Luckily she has therapy. How do you notify the pediatrician? Is there exact language I should use?

      Thanks SCC

      • Hi SCC,

        We have Kaiser and I sent a message to her

        “Hi Dr. XXX,

        I wanted your opinion about continuing the normal custody agreement during shelter in place.“

        I followed with facts about his conduct, living situation, inability to tell the truth, trust him.

        He sent a letter back advising she not transfer households until the order is lifted.

        • Nice! Thanks VC, I owe ya. Will see if they do anything. Wish me luck.

      • I don’t like that kissing thing and sharing beds at all! I am so sorry! Keep fighting and report everything

        • Thanks Shann, it put me in depression for several days and she is back with dad for 5 days. I am not sure how I keep going, work, house, homeschooling,
          staying in touch with friends. My village is strong and so us my love for my baby girl. Will NOT let her down ❤????

    • This sounds familiar. I suggested he stop seeing our daughter because he left to become the master in the BDSM world. He and his slave live for their groups. I told him I simply did not trust where they’ve been. He fought about that but then he just didn’t show up anyway-he probably loved that as it gave him an excuse not to parent.

      I am mighty. I’ve been working, homeschooling, the house had a burst pipe so I had to deal with that, I’ve managed my own hellish loneliness and fear as I live in a foreign country (yes, ex kept me away from family and won’t let me return), I’ve done all the adulting and keeping my daughter’s mental health up. All with not to much as a crumb of help or child support payments from the fuckwit. Last night I cried as I wrapped my daughters birthday presents and tried to make the house look festive. I do all of it on my own. He’s abandoned us for a dark world and the mental anguish is more than I can bear some days. But I’m doing it. I am mighty!

      • Happy birthday to your daughter. You are a mighty mom. ((Hugs))

  • I’m working full time from home while trying to school my 8 and 5 year olds while stbx plays house with a new girlfriend (not the OW, as she’s out of the picture now) and her 4 kids. He only sees them every other weekend and maybe a night or two during the week. I also just finished chemo for breast cancer 2.5 weeks ago so I had that on top of everything else.

    We joke around as much as we can, my girls know this is our house and we will make it a fun place once I can refinance to my name. I open the windows almost every day, we have dance parties, we have a nightly routine of saying one nice thing about each other and something we are thankful with.

    It’s pure survival mode, but its my little life 🙂 The virus just made us spend more time together than we used to.

    • Lordy you are truly mighty. Your little life sounds big, strong, and wonderful!

    • There is nothing little about your life… are mighty. Teaching your kids to find joy even in the difficult times is a blessing and a strength they will always have because of you.

      My youngest DD went through Chemo diagnosed with Leukemia a month after D’day, she was 9 at the time. We started a grateful jar that we put something into every day and binged on our favourite music. That was 6 years ago and we are all the stronger for it.

  • I am so grateful I don’t have to shelter in place with my soon to be ex! We are still having legal meetings via Zoom. It’s actually better because when he throws his tantrums and starts getting really upset I don’t have to physically be in the same room to witness it. I’m feeling pretty mighty these days. I am a teacher, so I’m trying to manage teaching my 25 6th graders online and also help my 2 children (ages 7 and 10) with distance learning. I was also able to refinance my home, so my home is in MY name only! Things are challenging, but nothing was more challenging than having to live with a cheating and emotionally abusive partner.

    • Thanks for being an educator!! You and all the other teachers here
      And everyone who’s working (or not) be safe and keep fighting!

  • Congratulations to your son and stepson.
    Imagine living with ex, in these circumstances. Being on your own, with teenagers is hard, worse with a fuckwit.

  • I am a frontline healthcare worker. Nurse Practitioner in ED. Seen numerous COVID patients with minimal PPD because we did not know how bad it was in the beginning.

    I work with an amazing staff. People who would give their right arm for you willingly.

    We are all bada$$

      • Thank you! The entire country owes you an enormous debt. What you and other health care professionals are doing, in the face of enormous challenges, is beyond heroic. Every day, you risk your own health and safety to care for complete strangers who, through no fault of their own, are struggling and, yes, otherwise dying alone.

        I have read the stories about nurses arranging farewell calls with dying patients and their families, and it both breaks my heart and gives me hope for the future of the human race. The courage, the resiliency, the self-sacrifice shown by nurses are the attributes that we should all strive for.

        It has been difficult to see this pandemic politicized by those who either don’t know or don’t care that we are facing an actual and dangerous medical emergency. I find comfort knowing people like you are on the frontlines, fighting a war some refuse to admit exists. I believe we need to find a way, individually and as a society, to recognize the extraordinary work you continue to do.

        In the meantime, thank you.

    • Thank you for your service! My mom was a nurse for 60+ years—nurses are the best of the badasses!

    • Thank you, and please stay safe and try to look after you while you look after others.

    • I’ve always thought you were a very strong chump.
      Now I know you are an insanely strong person in so many ways!
      Thank you for showing up and stepping up from all of use here!

  • Working from home has allowed me time to take 5 mile walks every day. I get more time with my two teenagers. I bought a kayak and have been using it. I’ve been gardening! I’m finishing up the school year as a teacher, and I also uploaded my finished book on Amazon Kindle this month. I hope you all read it and comment!

    Unfold: Faith-Full Healing after Adultery and Divorce by Jennifer White.

    • Ahh! I am all teary because 2 people left beautiful, heartfelt reviews for my book. Thank you. It’s not about the money (I have earned a total of $16). It’s about connection, love, and letting each other know we are not alone.

      Thank you CL. You will probably never know how many people you have helped.

      • Mustard Seed,
        Downloaded your book.
        I recommend it.
        Congratulations on taking your power back & sharing what you learned on your journey. Good advice on recovery & finding peace
        Best wishes ????

        • Thank you! And thank you Chump Lady for helping me down the hard road with your excellent advice, humor, and just the right amount of snark!

  • It’s just me and the kiddo getting through this together. The ex came by on Mother’s Day to drop off the child support check – it was the first time my daughter had seen him in about 8 weeks and the first time she ‘d heard from him in about three weeks. I don’t know what’s so hard about dropping a quick daily text to your child to let her know that you’re thinking of her, but I’ve learned that I can only control what I can control. There has been plenty of “why does he act this way/why doesn’t he love me?!” drama, mixed with preteen hormones. We’ve had an emergency FaceTime session with her therapist. I bear the brunt of her anger and fear – and I have spent a night or two (or fifteen!) in the shower sobbing – but I’m here. And that’s my mightiness – I show up every single day, 24/7 and I let her know that I am here for her always.

    • ((Hugs)). It can be so lonely being the sane parent. Keep doing it, through the hormones and the tween drama and the fuckwit who doesn’t show. Be her rock. I’m a decade out from where you are now — kid is 22 — it pays dividends. It’s a very slow arc. Showing up is the mightiest of mighty. Love is SHOWING UP.

  • CL, I felt teary hearing your son is graduating. I remember you posting about taking him college. How being the sane parent, paid off. I knew I could survive too. Congrats times 100. I feel like a kid, I’m 64, have multiple sclerosis and truly making my own choices and mistakes. Living alone for the first time in my life. I feel giddy, unsure about everything I do for the first time. I have never been happier. I feel guilty for being so happy in the middle of a pandemic. After 44 years together, it took a while to recoup, learn how to expect more, rest my soul. I pray everyone has a “graduation “ moment.

    • Congrats on your brave and giddy new life—I’d say leaving a cheater is a kind of “graduation moment!”

  • I’m one of the alone chumps. I’m doing ok—keeping up with the many friends I have since the fuckwit left via zoom, messenger, FaceTime etc. Today would have been our 39th anniversary. I’m so grateful for my feeedom and that I don’t have to quarantine with him( the thought makes me shudder). I have a BF but not serious since he’s not serious. Ready to move on I think. I feel like I have a life to life and he’s dragging me down. That’s real progress from the codependent days when i just had to have a partner no matter what. Truth is I do get a little sad that 60 is in September and I may not find the right partner but it’s more important to know that if I don’t I’ll be fine( and where the hell are the good men anyway?!!!)

    • “Truth is I do get a little sad that 60 is in September and I may not find the right partner but it’s more important to know that if I don’t I’ll be fine( and where the hell are the good men anyway?!!!”

      I know! Right?! While my X is out on social media and who knows where else Desperately Seeking House Appliance, I’m pretty darn happy on my own. I told my son the chances are pretty poor that I will meet someone. Oh well, Ce la vie. I’m not too eager to share my comfy bed and pillows anyway.

    • Newlady, I turned 60 in September 1918. I knew I didn’t want to spend it at work so took myself off to Sicily on a solos holiday. I had an absolute blast and spent the evening of my 60th birthday slightly tipsy and boogying with an 80 year old widow (who apparently also had the time of her life). I loved it. You don’t need a man to have fun (or indeed to have a life).

  • I don’t feel very mighty most days. My husband of 15 years blindsided me and asked for a divorce in January because he’s apparently in love with someone else. The divorce was finalized in March and so I’ve been dealing with that, plus moving into a tiny apartment by myself during this whole pandemic. Everything has happened so fast, and the new loneliness of living by myself and working from home can at times be soul-crushing— my life has changed in pretty much every possible way in the past few months.

    I guess I can say I’m surviving! One day at a time, I’m getting through it. So there’s that at least!

    • Hi Mildred.

      I’m sorry you are going through so much change and feel alone. You are not. What you are going through is painful. You are entitled to feel the way you feel. I do believe you will move through this. It is a process though and it takes time. I know when I was in your shoes 2 years ago, I found solace in trying to think of 3 things that happened to me that day that I could appreciate. It could have been as simple as having a phone call with my mom and being thankful she is still alive and was there for me. Other times, it was as simple as being thankful I had food to eat that day. I remember when I was first out of d-day i was so deeply depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. Somedays, all I could do was brush my teeth.

      Hang in there and try each day to find beauty.

      I am sending good energy to you. You are loved.


    • That’s a lot of loss all at once. And then a pandemic on top of it? Cut yourself some slack. You’re a warrior.

  • Congrats to the graduates and thank you to the front line workers.

    I am also doing this “alone”. I’m grateful for the family and friends who will take a safe distance/mask walk with me. I’m grateful I live in a safe and responsible community and have the financial resources for food and shelter.

    I donated blood and contribute to my local food pantry. I organized a zoom meeting for my 12-step group and volunteer at my local park doing trail clean ups. I organized a successful local, environmental protest through on-line public comments.

    I am going to start sessions with a life coach to help me make wise decisions about my future. Even though the isolation has triggered abandonment/grief issues, I’ve decided a therapist won’t change the “facts on the ground”. Wish I had realized that $1000 ago.

    I am saddened that my retirement years will likely be spent without a partner (or children). But that pales beside the challenges faced by so many young families.

    • Alone here also…. grateful to have a park to walk in every day. Have decided not to go back to my job when this is over. Trying as always to live in the moment and not wait for the karma bus. I like the life coach idea, Lemon. Maybe more practical, concrete ideas?

  • Where do I begin? I don’t know how mighty I feel, but I am getting it done. I am a single mom to three kids and homeschooling them all. That ends this week so yay for that! It was not easy! My oldest is a senior and the pandemic obviously changed everything about her senior year, which makes us sad. The good news is that she’s going to college and a great scholarship to study aviation/commercial pilot. A female entering that business is still going to be a good thing, even with the hit the airline industry is currently taking. I have completely helped her with all of this college stuff, financial aid, registration, zoom meetings, all the visits prior to the pandemic. No help from her dad other than complaints about money spent. He’s to busy worried about his own selfish needs (finding sex).

    My long, drawn out divorce from my cheating deceitful raging narcissistic husband was supposed to happen on April 20. (Mediation, then court if needed a few weeks later-or zluese it would have been needed!) I have spent over a year gathering all the documentation, financials. witnesses, therapists, meetings. Since the whole world shut down, Family Court was also shut down. My lawyer also advised delayIng proceedings because my almost ex is playing that Covid card to the Hilt. He has always been devious and owns his own business (a doctor) so seems to find ways to hide money or shift things around to make our financial situation look bad. He wrote a long dramatic letter to his lawyer which then got sent to mine talking about how he is unemployed, our situation is dire, yada yada very doom and gloom. Turns out he did not even shut his doors for one day. Not only that, he defied orders and stayed open and seeing patients regularly not modifying for social distancing. He does not realize I can still see screenshots from the family computer and I can see how busy his schedule is not to mention other activities. It takes so much energy and money for me and my lawyer to figure it out. We already had delays before the pandemic just because he was being difficult with submitting financial documents. He knows how bad it looks, but this extra time gives him time to fix it or make things look better than they did. For his sake, not mine. It is defeating to think about continuing this documentation and gathering of financials until December. Things are looking pretty good, but he is trying to defer the mortgage claiming he can’t pay it when he’s “busier than ever “according to him and raging texts he sends me to not bother him about any issues regarding the kids. I stopped letting our youngest go over there because in addition to seeing all these people at work, he has been dating like crazy and bringing them all over to the house to brag like he’s some king in a palace.

    That leads me to the next bitter pill to swallow… To make it worse, I moved out over a year ago and took the kids. The older two never went to see him the youngest had been going back-and-forth a little but mostly is with me. He lives in our 5600 square-foot home with all the amenities. (Pool, hot tub, my home office, extra refrigerator and freezer. SPACE). I live in a tiny condo less than 1300 ft.² with all three kids. It was supposed to be temporary, but here we are a year later still making this work. I work full-time from home as a college professor of nursing. With homeschooling my kids And just parenting full time alone, it has been nonstop busy with 0% help from their dad. He doesn’t even ask, he just assumes I’m doing it. He has been way too busy dating up a storm during or playing (biking, hiking, taking weekend trips!! WTF!!) during this pandemic. Basically living no different than he did before the pandemic, it’s just that now I have even more burden placed upon myself. He is on his fourth girlfriend that I know of in a year, and the current one now resides in the family home that is for sale. She does not have kids, she has a little tiny dog and asked him to request privacy from us, meaning the three kids and myself. Yeah right. All of my stuff is still over there, and I own half the house so if I went to go get some thing I will march in and get it. She does not have kids, she has a little tiny dog and asked him to request privacy from us, meaning the three kids and myself. Yeah right. All of my stuff is still over there, and I own half the house so if I want to go get some thing I will march in and get it. We had an offer early March and they backed out because of Covid. I am thankful my family and I are healthy and did not catch this this horrible virus. It has impacted us in a lot of other ways as far as the delayed divorce, the house not selling and my equity being tied up where he is enjoying it, Not to mention the isolation of being the only adult in the house and the added workload to my own job trying to go fully online as well as supporting my kids who are doing the same. He has so much free time and I just don’t. Definitely no basket weaving going on here. It is pure survival each day.

    I used to believe in karma, but all I see is him continuing to live a shiny Teflon style life while I bear the entire burden of parenting, doing the “right “thing and trying to survive. I really needed that settlement because he was being so stingy with money, but I will continue to put 1 foot in front of the other.

    It is good to read these stories and see that I am not alone. CN Is full of powerful and strong people!

    • Hang in there, and keep documenting! You’ve got this, and I’m sure you kids are noticing.

    • Mightiness mic drop! Document everything you’re doing and everything is he not doing. Homeschooling three kids while working AND going through a divorce AND Schmoopie #4 lives in your former home? Just wow. Teach the master class already.

      • Thank you. I need to write a book. For real. What he has done to me and the kids, what we have endured, what he continues to do…’s just some of the worst I’ve ever seen even on this site. Some days I don’t know how I can keep going, but I seem to find the strength. Thanks for all you do to support and connect us on this site.

    • Your ex is a complete D-bag. Who lets their kids live in a tiny apartment and does not prioritize their well being in a pandemic while he lives in a 5.000+ sq. Ft. home like a king? Truly an a**hole of biblical proportions.

      I know it is hard, and you have my sincere admiration for the heavy lifting you are doing for your kids right now. You are a hero and for sure your kids are noticing.

      • Yes, that is putting it mildly. He has always cared about himself first and foremost. I can’t believe how unfair this whole situation is, and it has no end in sight. My kids (and I) are so used to his ways, I don’t know if they really do notice what I am doing alone, and for them. They just don’t like their dad and don’t really think about him much. The only “hold” he has on them and me to an extent is financial. He thinks he is some “God” for “allowing” me to continue to use the joint credit card but he gets a text every time I use it and makes sure to harass me for almost every purchase. I don’t know when he last bought anything for the kids or gave them money, though. I just hope I get a judge who makes this right.

    • I appreciate your job of teaching nursing, even remotely. My granddaughter was in her first year of nursing school, which was derailed by the college eviction of all students but she has just completed her finals last week. I so appreciate all of her college teachers that continued to teach and helped her get through this first year.

  • I’m completely alone. I have no family left (they’re estranged), no fuckwit to deal with, no friends worthy of that name. But I have plenty of people on my Internet 🙂

    The only thing that scares me is being called back to work, because I don’t believe in dying from Covid just so students can sit a stupid exam they could take online. I’m a teacher in Italy.

    This pandemic has definitely felt like the ultimate betrayal. I disapproved already of this promiscuous world where we are forced to interact in close quarters with strangers. I got sick 10 (TEN) times just in the last 15 months before the quarantine, going back to work after leaving him.
    I was hoping this experience would change our world a little, that we’d start figuring out things like assault, consent and human rights and dignity.

    It hasn’t been so. This only amplifies my existential crisis, initiated by my life with a cheater, and culminating with the realization that very little is okay in this world. I’m still in an undefinied place financially (3 years out), and I feel like I’ve just failed at gaining a life. Part of it is my personal obstacles (health in the first place), part of it the way this stupid world is designed and run by other “humans”. There are very few oases of peace, CL being one of them, at least!

    • You are going to be ok , it’s going to get better , say it till you live it and believe it. Feel what you feeling and then try to move on. You need to hold onto some type of positivity to make it through life.

  • I guess I am mighty because I have not caught Covid-19, I am being very strict about quarantine, while I carry on with work which includes teaching by google meets and coughing up new ways to evaluate students.
    I’m hoping a vaccine and/or treatment and reliable antibody tests come along ASAP.

  • I have basically been paralyzed with fear, procrastination, depression for the past 3.5 years since religious cheater left and married the temple whore that made him her fourth husband.

    I finally came out of my stupor and realized I wanted to live. Since then, I had my house painted and about to have my backyard zeroscaped

    Taken control of my health and started intermittent fasting to lose weight and gain control over my overeating.

    I haven’t dressed for most of these past 3.5 years except when I had to leave my home. I got onto Amazon and bought over 200 dollars worth of badly needed clothing and now get up, dress and put makeup on every day.

    If it wasn’t for my 11 year old poodle who forced me to get up, I would have stayed in bed most days. I’ll be honest, there are still days I don’t want to face the world but I do it anyway.

    When he left, I would look in the mirror saying who am I. That’s how much I had lost of myself in the 22 years we were together. I mourned as if he had died.

    I wouldn’t have him back if he was dipped in gold. I realized he is a narcissistic sociopath who never loved me but was an academy award winning actor. Women used to tell me how lucky I was to have him. He and his whore deserve each other and from what I heard straight from the horses mouth when he tried to Hoover me back in 11 weeks to the day after they married, his like is a mess. He was recently arrested for battery, not against her, don’t know who. He is someone I don’t even recognize anymore.

    Thank God for Chumplady, she and all of you have helped me come a long way.

    • Jokesonyou, Your story has really touched me and I want you to know that you are very very brave and inspirational. When you are suffering so badly and then somehow find the strength to get up and get your house painted and start taking care of yourself… well, amazing is the word! Keep up the good work and give that poodle an extra pat from me.

    • Hoovering after his wedding? Sounds like bliss. (not).

      Here’s to many more cute outfits and loving yourself more than a fuckwit.

    • Jokesonyou lynnjazzie, I just wanted to reach out and reply to you. Im now catching up on my weekly dose on CL/CN on a Sat Memorial Day weekend in beautiful sunny San Diego. I can so empathize and Identify with you. I too was completely paralyzed and couldn’t get out of bed. It was bewildering to me as to why I felt so lethargic. I thought it was my chronic disease. And I’m sure that was part of it yes. But the emotional paralyzation was REAL. And it made me more depressed that I wasn’t normal and having happy fun like everyone else. I am my own worst critic. Thats me. But yes I felt stuck, depressed as hell and paralyzed. I couldn’t understand it. And It was all the mindfuckery and mistrust of this wonderful amazing guy who is so sweet and kind to everyone. Who wouldn’t hurt a fly… Who is also a celebrity in the competitive sailing world, best friends with Dennis Conner, who everyone loved and thought he was the greatest. Except everyone, including myself, didn’t know he was living a secret double life behind my back and having an emotional affair and then sexual affair with his ho-worker the office doorknob. He was texting her every day after work while I was in dialysis. Because he was “lonely”. Like its my fault I choose not to have someone there sitting next to me for 3.5 hours in a chair in an uncomfortable environment, beeping noisy machines and people being kept alive on machines. I choose to have that time as Me time and work or zone out, then leave it all behind. But anyways, he was lonely. So to comfort himself, he ate a lot and chatted up this ugly penis-nosed office whore, and conveniently chose not to tell me about it for 9 months. Granted I was already getting calls for a kidney transplant! I am 40 years old, he just turned 54. D-day was this October 15 as Iborrowed his iPad to take to a new Google Docs class I started taking to prepare myself for the work world after transplant. Low and behold, I saw flat titts that weren’t mine. The process was brutal. I was completely blindsighted. I’ve since learned that men are 6x more likely to cheat if you have a chronic illness. Women are 2x more likely. NEJM I believe. Anyway, I became mighty. Granted it took a long time. 7 months. Im still in bed a lot but Im comfortable and who cares? I don’t need to comfort myself by putting my penis in my co-worker. Doesn’t matter if he is a celebrity or not. I don’t get starstruck. He can find a new partner that gloats and feeds his tiny ego. Sailing Raceing is all about male ego on the water. It would just be easier if they all just pulled down their pants and sees who has the bigger dick. I am mighty because I left the same day I confronted him. I lost my house, my best friend, many friends in common and our Raceing crew, my safety, my nice happy life that I thought I had, 2 darling cat children, his family of whom I spent many holidays with and was close with, I lost my self esteem, and I had to move back in with an emotionally abusive narcssistic mother who wants me to be her husband, and is a hoarder. I started therapy and started to work harder on myself. Took business classes while doing dialysis treatments. I took walks safely. And reached out to good friends. I did meditation courses on event bright. I educated myself about investing and stock options, I worked on what it would be like to actually die from Covid-19 or a kidney transplant. It was super hard, but so necessary. Breaking up and leaving a cheater who wont work on himself has been the hardest thing I have ever done. It’s still difficult. But I am finding me again. And hell, It’s ok to be single. I don’t want a shallow relationship that is fake, and I always have to be the cheater police. I cant take the constant anxiety attacks and be reminded of him cheating. He wont work in therapy. Its sad bc I think he has potential but its his choice to be a better person or continue living his own lie. I want something real. Thats why I am leaving. And finally it has been good for me. And all of this crap happening during a global pandemic. PS music that I love has really helped me;) You will get through this and be mighty. Chump Nation has a wealth of support and you are not alone.

  • I’m feeling really down and suicidal today. Dying to break no contact and having some serious cravings. Ugh.

    • Flopsy, I’m here with you. Things have been really dark the last couple of weeks. Taking it a day at a time and I have a REAL in person therapy appointment next week (thank goodness).

      Mother’s Day was hell – not going into details but I fucked up and and STBX jumped on the opportunity further alienate my son from me which infuriated me and I reacted (fuckup #2). So ass wipe got two bowls of kibbles – one from my reaction and an extra helping from creating discord between me and my kids on Mother’s Day weekend.

      With Mother’s Day being a complete shit show I allowed myself to wallowed in it by curling up on the couch and binge watching Netflix. It felt good to escape for the day and we gave each other space to chill out. I did Mother’s Day dinner on Monday.

      Quoting Frazie Ford…

      Well, you criticize my numbers, you hammer out the rules
      Wait for me to fuck up, to find yourself some proof
      And I’m done
      Oh whoa, I’m done

      BTW whoever posted “I’m Done” in the Chump Song post – THANK YOU!! I listen to it a lot. Also thank you to the chump who shared “Liar” by Henry Rollins Band.

      • I’m Done’ is one of the best songs…..another is “Holes” by Passenger…ironically I was sent Holes by my XH brother.

        for those of you who have just experienced your D’Day and then found yourself in lockdown please give yourself some grace. Find a therapist who will willing just let you talk. Telehealth is big right now (online mental health support) please use it. In advertently I went into lockdown for nine months after D’day due to my daughter getting cancer, what did I learn in that time……I learned the CN is a place that will enable you to get your thoughts straight. That I didn’t have time to grieve and that being angry was the emotion that got me through each day so I could put on the brave face for my kids and some days just function. That if making sure my kids were safe and able to remain infection free pissed off my XH then so be it, because they were my priority. We are 6 years on and she is well and yes when all of the treatment was done and life began to return to normal then I began unpacking my bag of emotional crap in order to move on because I then had the mental space to put me first. Please look after yourself and reach out to someone.

      • This was a song that got me through many a homicidal thought. From not following through with them ???????????? that is!

    • Flopsy, I hope you reach out to someone. We’re here and there are a lot of other people out there who can help.

    • Get out and exercise if possible. Call a friend and talk. This shelter thing stinks I know but should not last much longer.

    • ((((Flopsy)))) Sending you good thoughts. ((((Digital Chump)))) you too!!!
      Wish I could wave a magic wand to lessen your pain. Stay strong and keep fighting the good fight.

    • No baby no. Just no. Get some air. Cry. Do some weird exercise move that makes you sweat and hurts! Scream in the car. Blast the music. Write in a piece of paper until your hand can’t move anymore it’s cramped so badly… ask me how I know to suggest these things.
      Love yourself pray to God if you feel inclined
      I’ll pray FOR you
      Peace sister

    • Don’t break no contact. It’s asking for more heartbreak.
      1-800-273-8255 is the National Suicide Prevention hotline if you’re in the U.S. Zero shame in reaching out for help. NONE. Big ((hugs)). The pain is FINITE. It passes, I promise.

    • @flopsy when days are hard and hurt like a motherfucker please, please reach out like you did here. Call national suicide hotline. CN has reddit message group thread that is full of love and hugs. Chin up mama. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Do it again. And again. Punch a pillow. Take a bath. Google Virtual Voodoo doll (it helped me ????). You got this.

  • I guess I’m mighty in that for the most part, I keep my angst and pain from my three kids and support them in having a relationship, (broken as it is) with their mom. I don’t and haven’t trash talked her, in spite of how much she probably deserves it, and at times, how much I’ve wanted to. I feel powerful in that even on my worst days, I never openly react to her bullshit. It’s particularly difficult as the fuckwit she’s chosen over me was an old college friend that I and our kids welcomed into the fabric of our family with absolute trust. Ironically, their “relationship” started around the building of a tiny house for a homeless person, a project everyone in our community and family supported and that I supported financially in its early stages. Since I’m not out there trying to compete with her narrative, most people think they’re so great for doing this, and that we just “grew apart”. I have wanted to hurt him physically.
    but I’ve controlled that too as I have a lot riding on keeping my job as a teacher.

    • It takes a lot of strength not to react to the bullshit. Way to be the sane parent.

  • At my lawyer’s suggestion, I’m being “more friendly” in my OFW messages. I’ve healed enough that I can do it without vomiting. And I say “no” to him so much that it is fun to act friendly right after I piss him off. (he asked if I would let him buy a house while the divorce is still pending, haha, no)

    His attorney just verbally agreed to give me the 65%/35% asset split from the cheating clause in our prenup! It still needs to be put in an ironclad written document, but YES!!! All my evidence, threatening to depose the OW, and threatening to subpoena his work for their communications worked!

    I finished pulling together my folder of ‘Leverage’ and got it sent over to my attorney. Fuckwit should be shitting his pants if he sees what I have on him. Might come in handy…

    He has refused to provide any information about his business because he doesn’t want it valued as a marital asset. We just got the second subpoena served to get all of that information. I have already hired the financial analyst to do the business evaluation.

    Being able to fight back in court is awesome. It is exhausting and expensive and overwhelming, but I’m taking every penny that I am legally entitled to. Him cheating on me is going to be the most expensive sex in his life.

    He hates me, and I give exactly zero fucks. I am not a fun person to cheat on and divorce, and that’s fucking mighty.

    (just under one year ago I was hysterically sobbing and depressed and unable to function after he left me for OW. I even considered not getting an attorney to save money – that girl is GONE)

    • Good for you! Yeah let them hate away and actually give them something to hate you for, like kicking his ass in the divorce settlement.

    • Outstanding. This is sure to warm the heart of every chump here.

  • Hi Flopsy, I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling really bad. I am in no way a professional counsellor, but please, please contact a local helpline or reach out to your friends, sponsors, anyone who can listen, and keep reaching out until you feel better. The feelings will pass but they can be powerful, let them wash over you but don’t act on them, act in spite of them. Keep posting. Many people have been where you are, and it does get better, please get help. ((((HUGS))))

    • Ah, butter fingers and autofill, twice in a week, Admin, if you see this, please delete.

  • Everyone is so mighty! Congratulations to your son, Chumplady, and to the proud mama. And your stepson and Mr. CL.

    Last week I realized that I am mighty. I know I’m not alone because I have all of you telling me that things will get better. I’ve been the primary caretaker and sole breadwinner for a while, and own the house, acquired premarriage. My divorce was final on March 12th, right before the covid quarantines.

    Our two children and I are sheltering in place, and the kids are doing their schoolwork online. I bought a second laptop so I could work, without sharing with my 11 year old. Didn’t blink – I can afford it and that made me feel good. We painted the living room and my bedroom. Started sorting and purging stuff.

    Cheater ex died on May 4th. Was on life support from April 30th, following a drug overdose. I had to go identify him at the hospital because he had no id when they found him. My MIL didn’t want to direct his care and allowed me to take over. I talked to the hospital staff, made arrangements for organ donation, and went with his aunt to say goodbye on the day they did the surgery for organ donation. I’ve been making sure the kids make their online therapy appointments.

    And doing my own work from home. This is a strange time that we are living in. It will be different, but better, once it is over. I salute all of you, because we are making it.

    • Wow, Serenity, your post is pretty understated but conveys much about your strength. Sounds like your life with him wasn’t easy, but it appears that you have acted with grace and decency. I hope you and your children are able to work out the remnants of his effect on your lives and to come to terms with his passing. My best to you.

    • Wow serenity! From someone who needs a kidney transplant, you are amazing! I get calls from the Mayo Clinic in AZ and also UCSD for a transplant and usually they are from drug overdoses. You are amazing to take over and do the right thing, despite your MIL. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

  • On Wednesday I finished my final course at a community college. I don’t have my final grade yet, but if I pass, I will have obtained an associate degree in social service studies. I hope to move on with my education.

  • My 14 year old daughter lives with stbx until I can get more support and a bigger place. I don’t trust him so I made the choice to separate her from me and my other 2 kids until the shelter in place order was lifted. I’m a newly minted single mom and I don’t yet have it together (just moved 6 months ago) so getting sick isn’t something I really want to deal with right now.

    The teens and I have rallied together to get through him walking out after 30 years. My birthday was Wednesday right after the shelter in place order was lifted. I came home from work on my birthday and my 17 year old said she had a present for me and took me back to her bedroom. She opened the door and my 14 year old was there!!!!! I hadn’t seen her in 2 months. I hugged her forever and started crying (I never cry).

    Stbx told her that I didn’t want her anymore. Should also mention I also have a germaphobic special needs son which complicates my situation.

    BTW my stbx is PISSED because well she likes me better than him. lol

    • Oh Elena, that just makes me want to cry happy tears for you. How lovely!

    • Happy belated birthday! How wonderful to be able to hug your kids.

  • Well, I moved to a new state (hot-zone area–yikes) during the pandemic. The divorce isn’t finalized because of COVID. STBX bought a house not far from our old home (which, thank God, we sold just before the virus shit really hit the fan) and is living there with his AP.

    At first, I was lonely in my new place and crying a lot, but now I’m realizing a new sense of peace and calm. I’m less anxious. I love being near my kids and grandchild. And I’m so glad I’m not cooped up with a sometimes raging, often invalidating and neglectful narcissist of a husband.

    That whore can have him. And that IS karma. I believe that.

    I’m coping by reading, writing, making my new place my own (I bought a light pink velvet bed that STBX would hate) and being with my family. I’m trying to understand myself better, to remember what I like to do for me because after 35 years of catering to my STBX, I lost myself in his hobbies. I lost myself period.

  • My ex has had some instability with employment due to Covid. He was making some noises about not getting his unemployment check, food and stuff. I said “Well, if you are having food shortage issues, our son can just stay with me until you can afford to feed him”. Amazingly, that wasn’t necessary. He was fishing around to see if I’d give him money. Even more amazingly, he was back to work very soon after. Wasn’t even late on his child support. That was all ridiculous nonsense that doesn’t work with me.

    Yeah, I’ve played that game with you before. Not happening.

  • My COVID-19 mightiness? I’m helping to deliver facemasks that a local group is making for healthcare providers. My work is in one of the essential businesses, so I’ve kept working full-time through all this pandemic mess. I’m trying to help my younger daughter navigate a job search, an international studies grant with a disrupted timeline, and more. I’m giving a safe haven to my older daughter and her toddler child as they leave a bad relationship, and that includes fronting the money for her lawyer to handle the child custody agreement (plus babyproofing my house). And my former-cheater husband who I’m still with is stressed at work, having ED, fretting about his thinning hair, and constantly needing reassurance and just an excessive level of contact with me. (He walks into the room for the sole purpose of asking me if I’m all right and if I need anything. Like, 5-6 times a night. I want to scream, “No, and eff off” because it disrupts TV or sewing or watching videos or reading or chores or whatever I’m doing, but I just say “Thanks” because it’s annoying but not malicious.) I think I’m going to start a wine collection … with really, really large bottles!

  • I’d like to say I’m doing some really cool hobbies, teaching myself some new skills.. but it’s mostly just taking care of sick kids, taking care of a sick dog, doing a jigsaw puzzle, and (badly) trying to play the ukulele.
    That’s as good as I can do under the circumstances. Honestly, I am dealing
    – with my own skin cancer & glaucoma (the two are related); I am slowly going blind waiting on surgery
    – both kids that may or may not have had Corona (it was early in the crisis, the pediatrician scoffed at tests, but my son had serious problems)
    – my beloved dog came down with cancer, & had serious infections
    – my brother’s liver cyrrhosis

    So… maybe that’s where I’m “mighty.” I’m not really doing anything positive, but I’m keeping the ship afloat. I’ve taken care of myself and everyone else. Everybody eventually recovered from the virus (Corona or not). The dog has made a miraculous recovery, no cancer left. Me? Well, I’m still learning to get around my house when vision is bad, and hoping for a surgery soon.

    • “Keeping the ship afloat”. Heck yes that is mighty!!! Well done.

    • You are doing all things positive, are you kidding? You’re keeping everyone alive, including yourself. Hope the surgery comes through soonest.

  • I am dragging my arse out of bed and into the shower every day. I’m making food for one even though I don’t want to. I’m showing up to work (where fuckwit is now living) every weekday and doing my best to keep it professional even when what I really want to do is tear his eyes out and cry my own out. At 5 I go back home alone. I walk my dog, I water my garden and I try to find something meaningful to do with those long, long, hours every night. I don’t drink wine and I don’t eat chips even though that’s what I want to do. I visit my therapist (virtually) each week and I try to do the things she says will help even when it feels like they don’t.

  • Doing well five years out. Non-cheating significant other and our blended 4 kids, 3 dogs and a cat are sheltering in place 2 months now without a single kerfluffle. Life at Meh is unbelievably peaceful and satisfying. XH is apparently fighting 24/7 with AP and he tries to start up with me by texting behind her back…. cheaters cheat and liars lie. No contact is key!

    P.s. I’m working 24/7 in HR remotely and just did a huge 150+ attendee webinar on zoom on rehiring guidelines re Covid19 and I am brushing up on my Spanish with DuoLingo app…. no weaving yet????

    • “Cheaters cheat and liars lie. No contact is key.” Motto to love by! Love it. ❤️

  • My mighty news is that I’ve reached the stage where I don’t rely on my daily dose of chump lady to keep me going. It’s bitter sweet but it’s also the place we aim to be.
    Thank you CL. Thank you. Thank you.
    You have saved my sanity and you have saved my children by allowing them to have a sane me.

  • My Divorce and mediation were conducted virtually during the pandemic- I JUST got the finalized documents! I gave up a lotand it was a nightmare dealing with him (even virtually!), but I didn’t have to even see my X (Woohoo!!). Since then, there have definitely been challenges, orders ignored, discovered he was having a house built, etc…but I am taking BIG MIGHTY STEPS to boldly walk into the next chapter-I finished my CEUs online (36 hours) so I can reinstate my professional license, I taught my daughter to drive and enrolled her (and paid for, of course) drivers ed, I scheduled with a mediation and life-coach to help me learn to deal better with the verbal assaults and painful darts being slung at me and as a means of moving in the direction I am trying to cultivate for my new life, and I have made a very concerted effort to be much more aware of how I approach each day- having two kids here at the house all day everyday has made me more conscientious of “Showing up”- I have really tried to envision a better future and having them as “witnesses” makes me hold up my choices and behaviors against the standard of that new life. I have also focused hard on gratitude and kept things in perspective- divorcing a narcissist is an absolute nightmare, and the continued bullying is a blow to my self-esteem, but I am HEALTHY and deeply grateful that I have not lost a life-long business or beloved family member. I have also started volunteering at a homeless shelter. Trying really hard to embrace the little moments and blessings of this chapter, and think of it as a cocoon – the next chapter will be better! Mighty is coming!

  • It has been nearly three years since BD. I struggled in the first 18 months to get over the 34 year marriage and I had no job after 6 years out of work due to retirement (semi). I struggled to get long term employment last year and have been interviewed based on my CV for every job I applied for. I just fell apart like a babbling idiot at interview stage even though I was the preferred candidate based on my CV. The process has been traumatic.

    Until yesterday.

    Every time I failed, I’ve put it down to relearning and tried again. I’ve had three interviews last week. Yesterday I had a morning telephone interview for a job with government. By late afternoon I had an offer on contract for 12 months with a salary at the very top of the pay scale of my profession. I start in one week.

    Keep pushing on Chumps…..your Ex may not value you but there is plenty of others who will!

    • good on you JustRight, that is fantastic news.

      Getting up every day and trying again is hard, and some days it pays off. woohoo!

  • All things pretty good here. Working from home while trying to get the kids to do their work. Little school work gets done with the cheater-ex, but I think it’s been helpful for the kids to have the change of scenery by going over there. He’s keeping them away from “play dates” with the OW and her children.

    However, he refuses stop spending his nights over at her place when he doesn’t have the kids, even though his work has him working from home so that he can stay safe. She’s an aesthetician who rents a room in a spa and uses the basement in her home (which is a rental property). Turns out that Public Health paid her a visit last week with a warning as it was reported that she has continued to take in clients at her home when non-essential businesses are to be shut down. The Public Health investigation found that she didn’t have a business license for either her home or her out of home location. Now city by-law has become involved and ordered her to cease business until she is licensed, but she has to ensure the locations are all up to code and no licenses are being processed at this time. Well, at least this should prevent her from seeing any more clients and endangering the rest of us by extension, I hope. Stupid is as stupid does.

    Like others have mentioned, I’m also getting into home improvement mode, starting with my gardens and doing some painting projects. In two years since, STBXH left, half of my house has been re-painted and a bunch of unfinished projects are done. It’s been reflective of my healing journey to refresh the house bit-by-bit.

  • No /glory here/ quit my well paying job due to new management company pulling narc shit / triggered worked throughout the shutdown…kid homeschooling alone…. I am alone cant collect benefits as it was my choice to disengage from job…. kids dr/ apt. Monday deviated septum, hole in nose, open veins causing the bloody noses? not normal bloody noses like gallons of blood/ he needs braces…x’s insurance runs out June 1st…I cant sleep/ gained like 20 lbs… my underwear dosnt fit…..yet I get up show up….. I fucken get up and show up… spinning and need help….

    • That’s most of the battle right there – just getting up and showing up. When I start worrying that I’m not doing it right, not doing enough, etc. I tell myself I don’t have to be Super Mom, just the Best I Can Be Mom. Hang in there.

    • I’m here too and please know you’re still the sane fucking parent ❤️❤️❤️ Don’t stop. Just keep swimming … just keep swimming! This too shall pass. (((((((((HUHS)))))))))

  • I made it past 1 year past D-Day almost without blinking. I’ve been showing my house, homeschooling four kids and working my full time job and side gig. Ive almost cracked a few times.

    • CBHCM, You are mighty with four kids! Wow!

      It’s ok to crack….because we all know you will just pick yourself up and keep going because that’s what we do!

  • Been working full-Time through the pandemic-some from work and some at home. Helping kids with homeschooling. Teaching youngest to ride bike.
    All while ex is sending crazy messages about how he won’t stop harassing me till I give him the kids. Because the it’s all about his measly child support. Which I don’t even need-it’s going in an account to help with kids college bills. But according to him is only reason I want the kids. I was a stay at home -homeschooling mom before his affairs and shenanigans. I am super close to my kids. Truest statement ever “ If you want to know about a narc-they are everything they accuse you of.”
    If you divorced or in the process of divorcing theses people you are mightier than you’ll ever know!
    Best of wishes to chump nation!

  • A. Single mom, toddler.
    B. Filed for child custody and waiting for courts to reopen.
    C. Graduate student. Give almost the whole day to my LO (a very happy one!!), work at night from 9:30-12:30 am on my dissertation while he sleeps. Can’t wait to put Dr. next to my name.
    D. Learning new software on the side for staying mentally supple.
    E. Doing a teaching workshop so I can land on my feet when this is over.
    F. The general anxiety around COVID-19 turned into specific nightmares about my ex and OW. Every other night. Anxiety during the day, nightmares during the night.
    G. Fighting to stay safe, stay sane, and to enjoy every moment of my LOs life. I don’t get a lot of me time, I don’t get a lot of sleep, but when this is over I’ll be standing solidly like the earth. I will never, ever give the ex the satisfaction of knowing he broke me. He almost did, he probably did, but I always have and always will put myself back together.

  • Congrats on your son’s graduation CL – that is awesome.

    In Australia, our high school system ends with year 12 and the HSC (higher school certificate) which has been seriously messed up by Covid. I am currently living through lockdown with a year 12 student uncertain of what her HSC is going to look like or if her plans for next year are going to hold and her younger sister in year 10 who is loving isolation as having had cancer 6 years ago feels she has been training for Covid all her life. Oldest DD has had to suspend her monthly visits with their father as he indicated that he had been exposed somehow but would not elaborate. He hooks up for sex and never once considered the risk so he would not give covid a second thought so I am happy she does not go for visitation and the younger DD ended visitation with him three years ago so no concerns there.
    I have not been in lockdown because as Covid took hold here I landed my dream job and work fulltime as a counsellor in a high school and have been onsite to support students as they begin to return to school and deal with the uncertainty of in all.
    After 6 years of being single, I ridiculously met someone online and agreed to met face to face (once)- dating during Covid? coffee and a walk around the park…..did it work out? Hell no, red flag central. He constantly complained he was board due to being in lockdown but not enough to be inspired to hold a decent conversation, would only communicate by text, would disappear mid conversation and then just begin texting the next day like nothing had happened. This week I did not hear from him at all and considered it was not going anywhere so I put my profile back up Bang! the next day 5.17am I get a text that consists of a screen shot of my profile photo captioned BACK AGAIN!!!!! Now I know I can trust women on (insert dating site name here)…….
    Is it awful that this made me laugh? am I jaded beyond repair? His constant attempt to shame me and make me feel bad in our very brief interaction was extremely interesting. Constantly told me he did not judge people but pretty much judge everything I sad and did not hold back on his opinion of my two small and tasteful tattoos when we met. I responded, I know I shouldn’t have (I can hear the word kibble as I type this) but I couldn’t help it, it gave me a giggle that this idiot was hoping to try and shame me yet again for whatever reason so, this is how it went, “What’s it to you? I have not heard from you since Saturday, (it was now the following Friday morning and yes he had once again gone missing midconversation) which is a clear indication that you are not interested in seeing how this might work out. For you to have seen that I had uploaded my profile again means that you have been active on said web sight! I have no desire to be some guys plan B so spare me the drama!
    Needless to say I have not heard a thing in return and I’m more than ok with that because I would rather be on my own than in a relationship for the wrong reasons. Yes, it is lonely but it is worth the cost to be drama free.

    • You go, girl!! This is funny; made me smile. I did online dating for 3 yrs and finally got over myself. I had had enough. Not the least bit interested in dating anymore; I daresay that right now, dating is probably dead anyway. To those ladies who are using dating websites, I would say be really careful. I met some okay men and had lots of first dates, but I found that the majority were very messed up and looking for someone to provide for them.
      I shudder to think where I might be now, had I continued seeing one of those losers.
      You are so right to say that remaining on your own is better.

  • I’m single-parenting DD, 11 years old. The schools opened here, but she stays home because of my illnesses, and because she has allergy symptoms and the other kids would be on her for coughing etc.
    We managed the 200+ web sites, apps, passwords, codes, assignments, messages, smoke signals.. to get her through the spring term.
    We had just moved when covid started. I’ve handled the move, my business, sold an asset (a studio apt) and bought another (bigger apt in another city, my business rents it now and we may move there in a year).
    I’ve come through the panic of how will I support us, the world is ending, fuckwit has sadz and iz all my fault – to deciding to renovate the new apartment just how I want it (spending money is good for the economy too!), making changes in my business to cut costs and make it more workable for me, making our current rental home nice for us, baking a lot and making sure DD has a warm meal every day. (Two warm meals? It’s a stretch. And we often just prefer to eat something else.)

    I’ve quit some of my meds and lo’ and behold! I’m doing just fine without them! Right now I’ve cut the antidepressant in half. So far so good.

    I love the feeling of freedom, I never knew what it was.. but I always felt like I was being judged and disapproved of, silently. I felt better when cheater wasn’t at home. I thought it was me. Until I found out that he WAS judging me, comparing me to his ex ho-ho.. When I was leaving he tried to tell me how he loves me just the way I am. Just after he’d said he didn’t know what love is (when I asked him) and then saying love is a feeling. Well we all know how fickle feelings are..

    I do still feel anxious and guilty for leaving him finally (he started cheating 10 years ago, left me and confessed five years ago, then came back but continued his fuckwittery, until I finally told him I’d had enough, after reading LACGAL and another book on personality disorders..)

    But my daughter is happy and doing well, she is mighty.. and I guess that is part of my mighty too. I didn’t collapse, I didn’t kill myself, I didn’t bash his father but stuck to truth, I continued to create a safe, cozy home for her and stand for her right to choose to live with me (here a 12-year old can legally decide with whom they want to live, and she will be 12 this year) while supporting her relationship with her dad- I just suggested they’d go to the stable once a week together as she goes there anyway and it’s something the can do together as she doesn’t want to just sit around in his house.. The went last week after lunch and she returned in the evening, hungry. She’d had two croissants in the car on the way back, and nothing to eat at his place. She hasn’t visited him at all during the epidemic (he has asthma). I thought he could fix her a meal once a week going forward. I guess not. I’m not crazy about cooking either, especially as she is picky and will only eat a tiny amount of most foods I would love. But I continue to try to come up with reasonably varied meals for her, and I continue to eat things she likes even though I’d prefer something else. I continue to make meals and eat leftovers, because it’s impossible to make such little portions.
    Heck, he could get take-out pizza if he wanted to make it easy! Just feed her something!!

    My mighty is being the sane and responsible partner.

    • Should be parent, not partner.Though I was the sane and responsible partner too..

  • I’m a little late posting being busy at my mom’s house building a ramp in her garage. She had hip replacement surgery on the 24th of February at 82. She’s the Mighty prodigy in my life.

    I customized it to her height with handrails fit for her. I even got artistic and did a Predator themed decoration between the handrail vertical members.

    Geek ???? freedom. Hell Yasss.

    Both of my Mighty daughters graduated yesterday as well. I’m the proud father of a Dietitian and a Radiologist.

  • Congratulations to your degree-earning young men, Tracy, as well as to others graduating, after being raised, guided and supported by mighty single and sane parents. It is not easy, especially in the US, where higher education is not free and the tuition keeps rising.
    My heart goes out to all those of CN who are struggling, unhappy, financially strapped and being screwed over by exes. I promise you all it does get infinitely better with time, hard work, belt-tightening and reaching out to others for help. Try not to be ashamed of asking for help, most people don’t know your struggle and are happy to meet the need.
    I was abandoned 6 yrs ago by the alcoholic cheating X. He was super-secretive and lied about everything anyway, so I got blindsided. He blew up at me out of the blue on a Sunday morning; screaming, threatening, eyes black as the pit of hell. I will never forget it. I ran out, crying, jumped in my car and he was still yelling. Returned from church and he was gone. He came by two weeks later to pick up some items and I haven’t seen him since.
    It was absolutely the best thing that has EVER happened in my life, in retrospect. It took me a year to heal.
    I began to see clearly how depraved he is and how dysfunctional our life/marriage was.
    I am a solitary chump now, working part-time, but it is enough. I got the house, which I love, and have made lots of improvements. The home improvements continue at my slow DIY pace; I work in my yard, which is a big one, and I’m planning a rock garden. I take long walks daily with the dog and have met a few neighbors that I previously did not know. So many people are outside now, walking and exercising.
    My daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter live nearby. We are still visiting with each other, but we keep a distance. I miss hugging my kids, but I am a high risk for Covid-19 as is my daughter. I realize I am very blessed with food, finances, family, and the absence of a fuckwit in my life. It is a very mighty thing to be able to take care of oneself, one’s property and well-being. And to give to others who need a helping hand or just a few words of encouragement.

  • I haven’t been great, but I’ve had great people around me. I discovered my husband’s affair during the pandemic and put him out (mid April). I was able to get him to sign all necessary papers for an uncontested divorce, but the courts have been closed, but they open back up Monday.

    My depression and anxiety are through the roof, so I started counseling and got prescriptions for an antidepressant and sleep aid. Hopefully things start to look up soon.

    But I have adapted to doing yard work alone on 2 acres, so that’s a plus! It’s just lonely, and I hate being in this big house that we just bought a year ago alone…

    • Sweetie – you are in the dark early days but I will say, you are already mighty.

      One foot in front of the other. You will get to the other side and you will be stronger and steadier than you can dream of today.

      • Thank you for the kind words! I find a little comfort having this site to visit almost daily lol.

  • I’m sorry that happened:(
    Maybe once you feel better you can sell the home or have someone move in?
    Did he leave willingly? It’s good you made your decision right away
    I am dragging my feet here
    Try to stay positive

    • Hi Shann,

      I’m thinking of moving in a few years. I’m still building my experience as a relatively new engineer, so I’ll stay at my current job for a while.

      I told him to leave after he kept lying about text messages I found. He knew cheating was a deal breaker.

      I truly hope you find the strength to do what’s best for you!!

  • I put myself in quarantine 10 days before it became the thing because I was involved in an event out-of-state and didn’t know if I had been exposed.

    I got up-to-the-mark on Zoom and re-worked in-class courses into synchronous online, where students could choose to participate in the Zoom sessions or not, based on their own situations. My kids did some of the best work I’ve seen in years, so in spite of it all, we had a good semester. Will repeat the process with a couple of summer courses, which will help me as I get ready for whatever we face in the fall.

    I’m way ahead getting the yard ready for summer, although we’ve had a lot of cold weather and I’m not planting until Memorial Day. Spent my tiny COVID payment on what I call the “Coronavirus Yard Rabbit” to help a garden center I love.

    Reworking how I do a lot of things to make life simpler and easier. Started buying dry cat food in bulk and freezing it so it stays fresher. Eating better, cooking more, and getting ready to get to goal weight by Fall. Rainly days will be devoted to cleaning the basement area and making an inviting home gym for boxing, running/walking and yoga.

    Keeping up with friends and family on Zoom and by phone. Have done some outdoor walks with close friends, masks on and social distancing. Talking to my BFF on the left coast 3-4 times per week. Keeping my gratitude journal, reading, bingewatching good stuff I missed (e.g., “The Crown”). Still doing my once-a-week astrology class for fun and company and doing therapy by phone.

    I think it’s much harder for those with kids, especially single parents. It’s much harder for those with shared custody with a jackass. And it’s harder for people still living with abusers. Having removed negative and abusive people from my life has made stay-at-home much easier. It’s just me and 3 cats who think they’ve acquired a butler. Sometimes I want someone to rub my feet. I worry what will happen to me if I get really sick, being single and 68, and what will happen to the cats if I go to the hospital. But while I take the recommended precautions, I’m lucky to be in a state that took COVID-19 seriously.

    Blessings to all of you and big hugs to those who are struggling with real problems.

  • I made over 50 masks and donated them to the cancer centers and friends. I also am so glad that I am not stuck with ex during this time, it would have been a nightmare. The first two weeks were really hard – the being constantly alone, but after that, I adjusted and am doing fine now. I am lucky in that I am still working so I don’t have to worry about the money, but on the other hand every day I walk into a building with 100 other people, so there’s that. We are now open to the public and all employees are required to wear masks and the public coming in are about 50/50 with masks.

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