UBT: ‘My Life Is Rich and Full’…. That’s Why I’m Stalking You

Dear Chump Lady,

I got divorced several years ago, then remarried this last summer. I’m meh. Everything’s been great. I’ve been no contact for 3+ years… but then the other day my ex started following my current wife on Instagram (which she uses for her business) and she promptly sent me a screenshot. I probably shouldn’t have said anything, but BOUNDARIES… and I couldn’t help myself. So the ex responded to me then sent this NUTTY message to my wife. Maybe you can take a stab at UBT’ing it?

For reference, she left me for a 21-year-old co-worker in 2015 when she was 34 and working above him.

(I’ve changed my name here to “Huskies.”)

Me: Hey, I’m not sure what your angle is here, but it’s inappropriate to follow my wife. If you want to stalk my wife, that’s fine… just create a fake account and follow her since her profile is public. I wish you no ill will, but you shouldn’t be doing this. You chose to move on and I did the same.

Her: Hi Huskies, I don’t want to be in contact with you, though I understand why you reached-out this time. I’ve blocked this work email address that you’ve contacted me from going forward. I sent your wife some DMs on Instagram that I’m pasting here for your reference as well. I have no desire to stay in contact with her, either, and she has the choice to both not read my messages (since I do not follow her, it will go to her secondary inbox), and to block me from looking at her public profile. You and I both moved on to better things for ourselves, but I occasionally look around for anything she’s posted about Ruby (editor’s note: Huskies’ dog, formerly their dog) — I don’t follow Huskies wife, I don’t plan to, and it won’t happen again. Thanks for taking such good care of Ruby. Be well.

The DM:

Hi Huskies wife,

I’m reaching out for a couple of reasons — to share some background on why I followed you, say “thanks”, and to possibly give you some perspective from my end since we’ve never met. I completely understand if you don’t want this contact from me — I won’t continue reaching out to you after this series of messages, but I am taking the opportunity right now given the circumstances.

First, I apologize if my follow of your instagram account was disruptive or alarming — it was inadvertent, and I immediately unfollowed your account. I’m embarrassed that I fat-fingered that button, and that it subsequently solicited a response from Huskies. I have no desire to be in contact with him, or to follow you or him, covertly or otherwise. I just checked in to see photos of Ruby and nothing else, and I mean no offense to you by saying this — I just don’t find myself curious about what you guys are up to. Since your account is public, I have occasionally checked for photos of Ruby. If you are not comfortable with that you have the power to block me.

Second, thank you. It makes me happy to see the rich life that Ruby has with you as her dog-mom. It is clear that you love her and she gets to have all kinds of outdoor adventures that remind me of the ones that she and I had. As a fellow dog-lover with your own dogs you probably raised yourself, I hope you may understand my curiosity about Ruby even years later — she was the best companion to me during some of the best times, and also very tough times. It’s hard to forget her, she really was my “first born”. Huskies gets the credit for picking her out from the breeder ultimately — I wasn’t sure that she was THE puppy when we met her, as cute as she was she didn’t seem very interested in playing with us (btw, her name was Coconut since she was the lightest in the litter. We named her Ruby for the beach Husky proposed to me on, on the Olympic Peninsula). Of course, she was a great pick, she’s sweet, smart, goofy and athletic, and so loyal. I took her to all of her puppy classes, I took her to Magnuson, Mercer Island, Marymoor, and on every hike, and almost every errand. I took her to the vet, the groomer, and I managed the schedule with Ian for her walks. The vet called me a few weeks ago to tell me about her test results — I pointed them back to Huskies, they were embarrassed to have such outdated contact information.

I’m glad that she has you. Leaving Ruby was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, even if it was the right one for me at the time. I agonized for a long time that she must think I abandoned her, or that something happened to me. Unfortunately at that time, there was no perfect decision where both Huskies and I would get what we wanted – I would have kept her full time if that had been an option. Huskies wanted to share custody, but the fact that we would have to remain in contact to facilitate that was what led me to walk away. The verbal and emotional abuse and harassment inflicted upon me was too much to bear for me to stay in our marriage, let alone to coordinate passing the dog back/forth regularly and having to stay in communication or see him. I don’t share this to be pejorative – relationships are hard even when they’re good, let alone when they’re tanking and suffering a long, drawn-out ending where every emotional and material piece of your life is a bargaining chip. Huskies very likely feels that I abused him, too, in other ways. But, I want you to know this to give you the context on why I would have walked away from my adored pet yet still want to know that she’s ok, and maybe some insight into why I have no need to stay in contact with him.

It is hard to know what Huskies may have shared with you about me, and I assume it’s generally negative. There are multiple dimensions to every relationship — his experience and my own were very different, yet “true” and real to each of us. He is a good person at heart — I wouldn’t have ended-up married to him if he wasn’t. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we plan, but I’m inclined to believe that things worked out for the best here for all of us, as you wouldn’t have met and married him as a result. My life is rich and full, too, and I don’t harbor any ill will towards you or him. Seattle is still kind of small, and we might run into each other someday — I’d rather we are able to be respectful and kind, versus adversarial (or, painted as the Instagram-stalking obsessed ex-wife, in my case). I wish happiness and health for you both + your families, furry and otherwise.

***

I didn’t respond and have no plans to.

Huskies

Dear Huskies,

Holy triangulation Batman! Your ex is deranged. Kibble supply must be pretty hard-up at the ol’ cougar household.

I think if this happened to me, I’d swan about the house using her turns-of-phrase like, “Your COVID hair is so shaggy, you could be Hagrid’s stunt double. I don’t mean to be pejorative.”

What a fat-fingered piece of work she is.

The UBT is at your service.

Hi Huskies wife,

I’m reaching out for a couple of reasons — to share some background on why I followed you, say “thanks”, and to possibly give you some perspective from my end since we’ve never met. I completely understand if you don’t want this contact from me — I won’t continue reaching out to you after this series of messages, but I am taking the opportunity right now given the circumstances.

I completely understand if you don’t want contact from me. So here’s a 1300-word primer on me, my background, my perspective… me!

I’m taking the opportunity right now given the circumstances. That I created.

First, I apologize if my follow of your instagram account was disruptive or alarming — it was inadvertent, and I immediately unfollowed your account. I’m embarrassed that I fat-fingered that button, and that it subsequently solicited a response from Huskies.

Who knows the ways of fat fingers? They waggle unbidden. Do not be alarmed.

I have no desire to be in contact with him, or to follow you or him, covertly or otherwise.

And yet here we are. Damn you, fat fingers.

I just checked in to see photos of Ruby and nothing else, and I mean no offense to you by saying this — I just don’t find myself curious about what you guys are up to. Since your account is public, I have occasionally checked for photos of Ruby.

I am only there for the dog! Why must you photobomb Ruby with your drab, uninteresting life? I mean no offense to you by saying that you BORE me. I’m not curious about you, but I assume you’re 1300 words of curious about me. Which I’ve intuited from your utter silence. And Ruby’s eyes. Whose doggy winsomeness say, “Tell them more about your divorce.”

If you are not comfortable with that you have the power to block me.

It’s not what I did, it’s your reaction to it. You didn’t preemptively block me, so any fool thing I say is your fault!

Second, thank you. It makes me happy to see the rich life that Ruby has with you as her dog-mom.

I would like to thank the Academy for my magnanimity. It makes me happy to see me replaced in Ruby’s affections. By a fellow dog-mom. I was the FIRST dog-mom.

It is clear that you love her and she gets to have all kinds of outdoor adventures that remind me of the ones that she and I had.

So every time you’re on an outdoor adventure, remember, I WAS THERE FIRST. Loving Ruby… loving Husky. I pissed on that tree. Smell it? MINE.

As a fellow dog-lover with your own dogs you probably raised yourself, I hope you may understand my curiosity about Ruby even years later — she was the best companion to me during some of the best times, and also very tough times.

Ruby was there for me. The best companion. Until I ditched her for a 21-year-old co-worker. #goodtimes

It’s hard to forget her, she really was my “first born”.

And then the shiny wore off.

Huskies gets the credit for picking her out from the breeder ultimately — I wasn’t sure that she was THE puppy when we met her, as cute as she was she didn’t seem very interested in playing with us (btw, her name was Coconut since she was the lightest in the litter.

I wasn’t sure Huskies was THE one when I met him. Then I met another puppy in the litter who was more interested in playing with me. Life is like a box of puppies.

We named her Ruby for the beach Husky proposed to me on, on the Olympic Peninsula). Of course, she was a great pick, she’s sweet, smart, goofy and athletic, and so loyal. I took her to all of her puppy classes, I took her to Magnuson, Mercer Island, Marymoor, and on every hike, and almost every errand. I took her to the vet, the groomer, and I managed the schedule with Ian for her walks. The vet called me a few weeks ago to tell me about her test results — I pointed them back to Huskies, they were embarrassed to have such outdated contact information.

The vet was embarrassed by your incompetence. Everyone can see that I am the ONE, TRUE, RIGHTFUL OWNER OF RUBY (and Huskies.) I HAVE MARKED MY TERRITORY. BEHOLD MY STENCH at the beach! the Olympic peninsula! puppy classes! Magnuson! Mercer Island! Marymoor! I have pissed on EVERY HIKE AND EVERY ERRAND. I have pissed on Ian the Dog Walker!

Dog-mom Usurper! 

I’m glad that she has you. Leaving Ruby was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, even if it was the right one for me at the time. I agonized for a long time that she must think I abandoned her, or that something happened to me.

Abandoning Huskies though? Piece of cake.

Unfortunately at that time, there was no perfect decision where both Huskies and I would get what we wanted — I would have kept her full time if that had been an option. Huskies wanted to share custody, but the fact that we would have to remain in contact to facilitate that was what led me to walk away. The verbal and emotional abuse and harassment inflicted upon me was too much to bear for me to stay in our marriage, let alone to coordinate passing the dog back/forth regularly and having to stay in communication or see him. I don’t share this to be pejorative

The verbal and emotional abuse and harassment inflicted on me was what led me to walk away. Horrible, venomous words Huskies could never take back like “Why are you fucking a 21-year-old co-worker?! We’re married.” And “I want a divorce.” And “an equitable division of assets.”

The responsibility of caring for a pet when I had a 21-year-old was more than I could bear.

— relationships are hard even when they’re good, let alone when they’re tanking and suffering a long, drawn-out ending where every emotional and material piece of your life is a bargaining chip. Huskies very likely feels that I abused him, too, in other ways. But, I want you to know this to give you the context on why I would have walked away from my adored pet yet still want to know that she’s ok, and maybe some insight into why I have no need to stay in contact with him.

Let me prejudice you against your husband and call it “context.”

It is hard to know what Huskies may have shared with you about me, and I assume it’s generally negative. There are multiple dimensions to every relationship — his experience and my own were very different, yet “true” and real to each of us.

His truth is that I cheated on him. There are multiple dimensions to that truth. What’s real to Huskies, Ruby, Ian the Dog Walker, is not real to me.

And that’s what really matters. My splendidness.

He is a good person at heart — I wouldn’t have ended-up married to him if he wasn’t.

Here’s a kibble, fetch! He’s a good person — insofar as he relates to me.

Sometimes things don’t work out the way we plan, but I’m inclined to believe that things worked out for the best here for all of us, as you wouldn’t have met and married him as a result.

You owe me a debt of gratitude for cheating on Huskies!

My life is rich and full, too,

So full, I must stalk my ex-husband’s wife’s Instagram feed.

and I don’t harbor any ill will towards you or him. Seattle is still kind of small, and we might run into each other someday — I’d rather we are able to be respectful and kind, versus adversarial (or, painted as the Instagram-stalking obsessed ex-wife, in my case). I wish happiness and health for you both + your families, furry and otherwise.

Seattle is still kind of small. And I’ve pissed on all of it. Be respectful and kind. Don’t paint me as I actually am — an Instagram-stalking cheater ex-wife.

I wish happiness and health upon my verbally abusive, harassing, cruel ex and his dog mom substitute.

Don’t forget to update the vet contact info.

— Cruella