The background: A friend of mine was recently chumped by a guy she was dating for 10 months. He borrowed her computer when she helped him with a webinar (he’s a podiatrist. I can’t imagine what that was about. A DIY on burning off your planter’s warts?) He didn’t log out. When she went to use HER computer again, there were all his messages to his “ex” signed “Your Loving Man.”
She then discovered the guy’s got tax liens and IRS troubles, to round out his full shadiness.
Since then, he’s hoovered. First he tried the charm channel and left Chinese food at her door. (To which I said, “I think you’re worth more than $11.95 kung pao.”) And I’ve preached no contact.
But like a lot of chump newbies, she hasn’t shut down the mindfuck. Yesterday she sent me his Sad Sausage aria. If the remorse were any more Naugahyde, you could smell the chemical fires from New Jersey…
Alas, the UBT has had to put down its jigsaw puzzles. A bullshit translator’s work is never done…
Like you this time alone, with no contact from anyone, has certainly given me the time needed for more introspection and a hard look internally. I realize I am quite complicated at times but also a man with a most warm heart and loving soul. You have allowed me to express a love, a deep burning love, that has been shut down for many years. For that I will always be so wonderfully appreciative for you bringing that out in me. I cannot possibly think I’ll ever find anything like that ever again with anyone else, nor do I wish to consider it. I will simply learn to be content with the knowledge that I’ve experienced a deep love one time in my life….and continue this life’s journey solo.
I’ve taken this time of introspection to realize that I’m deep and complicated. But loving and soulful too.
I took a hard look internally and realized I’m so wonderfully appreciative of me. You’ve allowed me to express a love, a deep burning love, for me. You’ve brought the me out in me.
And now, I shall wander the frozen flatlands of life’s journey solo — with no contact from anyone! — unless you consider porn-bots contact. Or mercy fucks from my ex.
You asked me the other day why I just didn’t talk to you and at the time you asked me I truly didn’t have a good answer. I have no confirmatory explanation other than the fear of letting you down, the fear of embarrassment, the lack of confidence in my ability to express myself in such a way so you could understand. That I truly only want to be with you. I have made such amazing progress with (my therapist) and I had a mis-step. I have no emotional attachment to PJ…….only you.
I have no emotional attachment.
I don’t have good answers to why I am a human pustule. Perhaps I could ask this pile of planters warts for insight.
The important thing to know is that I’m not a bad man who cheated on you, I’m a misunderstood love moppet. Whose only crime is loving you so much that I cannot form sentences like, “I have a double life” or “I’m bankrupt.” So many vowels. So many consonants.
I feared letting you down. If only I could express myself the way I did with 50 loving emails to my other girlfriend. But alas, I’m a man who lacks communication skills. And confidence.
My therapist gave me a gold star. I’ve come SO FAR as a human pustule. I’m not stuffing infants in oil tanks. Or poisoning wells. Or bludgeoning kittens! I’m just cheating on you.
I think about you and us constantly. Not just only of the so many wonderful things we’ve experienced together but how we’ve navigated each other’s landmines, how we’ve been able to communicate even when painful to do so…how beautiful and peaceful it is to just be together, no words even spoken. Embracing, cuddling, snuggling to eliminate the world around us into our safe bubble.
I think about your checkbook constantly. Not just only the wonderful things we’ve gone Dutch on, or you’ve paid for, but how we’ve navigated your complete ignorance of my financial calamities. How beautiful and peaceful your ignorance is. No words spoken. No questions asked. Just snuggling.
Live in a bubble with me. There are no tax liens on bubbles.
You have been so very loving, kind, warm, tender, inspirational and motivating to me and to us. I cherish you dearly and truly.
I cheat on you dearly and truly. Cheat, cherish. Remember, I’m a man who has trouble with consonants.
I cannot, nor do I wish to even try, to envision a life without the one true love of my life. I do not want to be without you. Not for fear of being alone but the pain of being without the one person who knows me, challenges me, loves me, cares for me….the pain of not giving it all back to you, love you, adore you, honor you, support you, help you achieve your dreams….see your beautiful smile when coming home….actually having a reason to come home….to actually having a home….OUR HOME!
How’s your credit? Mine’s shot. Wanna cosign a mortgage?
We have a lifetime of experiences that allowed us to come together and pursue a dream. We are two people who have so many commonalities, other than my sleep deprivation, that truly allows us to not only dream but to actively plan a future life together.
We’ve never had the truly factual discussion of what it looks like but I never had any doubt that we would be able to….not only to discuss it but with our love, intelligence and passion for life we would conquer it with no problem. Moving forward to having one roof over our heads as a couple. Whatever it would take to ensure our success, I am always “all in.”
Yes, my apology for cheating on you is an OFFER TO MOVE IN TOGETHER! And if you buy my poison tacos now, I’ll throw in 6 gallons of rancid potato salad that’s sat in the noonday sun.
And then… he signed it with his COMPANY LOGO, of a giant FOOT, advertising PODIATRY.
Because nothing says sincerity like an auto signature.