The Universal Bullshit Translator has been called out its quarantine and back to work.
The background: A friend of mine was recently chumped by a guy she was dating for 10 months. He borrowed her computer when she helped him with a webinar (he’s a podiatrist. I can’t imagine what that was about. A DIY on burning off your planter’s warts?) He didn’t log out. When she went to use HER computer again, there were all his messages to his “ex” signed “Your Loving Man.”
Game Over.
She then discovered the guy’s got tax liens and IRS troubles, to round out his full shadiness.
Since then, he’s hoovered. First he tried the charm channel and left Chinese food at her door. (To which I said, “I think you’re worth more than $11.95 kung pao.”) And I’ve preached no contact.
But like a lot of chump newbies, she hasn’t shut down the mindfuck. Yesterday she sent me his Sad Sausage aria. If the remorse were any more Naugahyde, you could smell the chemical fires from New Jersey…
Alas, the UBT has had to put down its jigsaw puzzles. A bullshit translator’s work is never done…
Like you this time alone, with no contact from anyone, has certainly given me the time needed for more introspection and a hard look internally. I realize I am quite complicated at times but also a man with a most warm heart and loving soul. You have allowed me to express a love, a deep burning love, that has been shut down for many years. For that I will always be so wonderfully appreciative for you bringing that out in me. I cannot possibly think I’ll ever find anything like that ever again with anyone else, nor do I wish to consider it. I will simply learn to be content with the knowledge that I’ve experienced a deep love one time in my life….and continue this life’s journey solo.
I’ve taken this time of introspection to realize that I’m deep and complicated. But loving and soulful too.
I took a hard look internally and realized I’m so wonderfully appreciative of me. You’ve allowed me to express a love, a deep burning love, for me. You’ve brought the me out in me.
And now, I shall wander the frozen flatlands of life’s journey solo — with no contact from anyone! — unless you consider porn-bots contact. Or mercy fucks from my ex.
You asked me the other day why I just didn’t talk to you and at the time you asked me I truly didn’t have a good answer. I have no confirmatory explanation other than the fear of letting you down, the fear of embarrassment, the lack of confidence in my ability to express myself in such a way so you could understand. That I truly only want to be with you. I have made such amazing progress with (my therapist) and I had a mis-step. I have no emotional attachment to PJ…….only you.
I have no emotional attachment.
I don’t have good answers to why I am a human pustule. Perhaps I could ask this pile of planters warts for insight.
The important thing to know is that I’m not a bad man who cheated on you, I’m a misunderstood love moppet. Whose only crime is loving you so much that I cannot form sentences like, “I have a double life” or “I’m bankrupt.” So many vowels. So many consonants.
I feared letting you down. If only I could express myself the way I did with 50 loving emails to my other girlfriend. But alas, I’m a man who lacks communication skills. And confidence.
My therapist gave me a gold star. I’ve come SO FAR as a human pustule. I’m not stuffing infants in oil tanks. Or poisoning wells. Or bludgeoning kittens! I’m just cheating on you.
#misstep
#amazingprogress
I think about you and us constantly. Not just only of the so many wonderful things we’ve experienced together but how we’ve navigated each other’s landmines, how we’ve been able to communicate even when painful to do so…how beautiful and peaceful it is to just be together, no words even spoken. Embracing, cuddling, snuggling to eliminate the world around us into our safe bubble.
I think about your checkbook constantly. Not just only the wonderful things we’ve gone Dutch on, or you’ve paid for, but how we’ve navigated your complete ignorance of my financial calamities. How beautiful and peaceful your ignorance is. No words spoken. No questions asked. Just snuggling.
Live in a bubble with me. There are no tax liens on bubbles.
You have been so very loving, kind, warm, tender, inspirational and motivating to me and to us. I cherish you dearly and truly.
I cheat on you dearly and truly. Cheat, cherish. Remember, I’m a man who has trouble with consonants.
I cannot, nor do I wish to even try, to envision a life without the one true love of my life. I do not want to be without you. Not for fear of being alone but the pain of being without the one person who knows me, challenges me, loves me, cares for me….the pain of not giving it all back to you, love you, adore you, honor you, support you, help you achieve your dreams….see your beautiful smile when coming home….actually having a reason to come home….to actually having a home….OUR HOME!
How’s your credit? Mine’s shot. Wanna cosign a mortgage?
#achieveyourdreams
We have a lifetime of experiences that allowed us to come together and pursue a dream. We are two people who have so many commonalities, other than my sleep deprivation, that truly allows us to not only dream but to actively plan a future life together.
We’ve never had the truly factual discussion of what it looks like but I never had any doubt that we would be able to….not only to discuss it but with our love, intelligence and passion for life we would conquer it with no problem. Moving forward to having one roof over our heads as a couple. Whatever it would take to ensure our success, I am always “all in.”
Yes, my apology for cheating on you is an OFFER TO MOVE IN TOGETHER! And if you buy my poison tacos now, I’ll throw in 6 gallons of rancid potato salad that’s sat in the noonday sun.
****
And then… he signed it with his COMPANY LOGO, of a giant FOOT, advertising PODIATRY.
Dr. Pustule.
Because nothing says sincerity like an auto signature.
e·quiv·o·cate
/əˈkwivəˌkāt/
verb
use ambiguous language so as to conceal the truth or avoid committing oneself.
““Not that we are aware of,” she equivocated”
Cheaters make an art form of it.
AKA Word Salad
No words to describe the Harlequin novel verbiage above.. only one emoji…. ????
They could cure cancer and Covid if they put all that energy into it.
That letter could have been written by my Fuckwit. Flowery pompous love bombing with generous amounts of self pity thrown in. Cover narc through and through.
ChumpDownUnder,
You are SO RIGHT!
I think I saw these letter templates in Chapter 5 of The Covert Narc’s Handbook. Our fuckwits are never unique. It seems the deeper the shithole they’ve dug for themselves, the more faux-Elizabethan word-turd regurgitation needed to win our fair-maiden hearts back.
Ugh!
Wow what a load of crap. It would be laughable if it wasn’t so dangerous. I hope she runs like her hair is on fire.
I feel like “laughable if it weren’t dangerous” is half the oeuvre of cheater/narcissist types.
I laughed so hard at your translation, I had tears. I thought I was the only one whose cheater offered to fix things by moving in together. Anyone else remember Jude Nelson’s character in St Elmo’s Fire swearing he would stop cheating on his girlfriend once she agreed to marry him And ‘make an honest man’ out of him. Sorry.
OMG, mine said pretty much the same thing!! Promises, promises.
(Maybe if I’d seen St. Elmo’s Fire I would have been better prepared.)
CL,
Tell her she’s worth so much more than this loser. Give the cheating podiatrist the boot!
If she’s a friend of yours, I’m sure she’s worth the $20 General Tso’s Chicken!
There’s one very good reason to borrow your computer. He’s bankrupt in more ways than one; be sure to Check your credit report to see if he’s accessed your accounts.
Nothing says I love you like a brown bag of Chinese food on your doorstep. I’d read the fortune cookie it probably says run.
I totally* agree. If he’s a podiatrist, surely he or his business would have something as basic as a PC, or a smartphone. That stood out to me as a giant red flag right away.
*For some reason my computer wanted to spell “totally” with an “i” instead of “o”… really funny, totally inappropriate. Apparently, the covid wonkiness is affecting it, too!
Lol to the fortune cookie!
The other thing that strikes me is this is a man with a MEDICAL DEGREE, but he conducted his cheating on his GF’s computer. He’s either too arrogant or too stupid to continue dating.
That’s a really good point. This man is a podiatrist. Why doesn’t he have his own computer? Even just an office laptop? (I’d say maybe he’s not allowed to use his work computers for personal things but it’s clear he doesn’t care about that anyway…)
But why does this man with a medical degree, in a specialty no less, need to use his girlfriend’s computer for a webinar?
You know for sure he’s a podiatrist right? Like at some point either she or you actually saw his office right?
Ironically the fortune cookie says “the though that leads to no action is not thought- it is dreaming.” I guess I was dreaming he would quietly retreat until I read your amazing comments!
I don’t…I …can’t. Who does this guy think he is? Obviously HE thinks he shits rainbow and glitter. I just pictured him lounging on a pillow eating bon bons composing this with a feather quill like Mr Burns in his jeans, because he was so enamoured of himself and really he was composing this to himself. He’s a total, total dickwad, probably with a really kinky foot fetish, and he needs to be escaped from immediately. The fumes coming off his delusion are so toxic you will pass out if you come close to them. I am not sure what his scam is, in terms of juggling the ex and you at the same time, but all I can say is get away now and don’t try and unpick this one. There is something truly sick and evil lurking under this one, and maybe even he doesn’t know it, but the assumption that you would entertain any of this just reeks of such entitlement that he is pretty much capable of anything. People who commit fraud with money are a special type of entitled. Don’t engage with him, don’t try to untangle, just leave it. This creeps me out and I’m not even into mocking this today, because something is wrong with him.
Yep. Agreed. She asked me to UBT it and my first response was BLOCK HIM. STOP letting this creep in your head.
This is such a rookie chump mistake. I know hopium when I see it, and chumps tell themselves they can laugh at it, or dissect these “apologies” like some scientist — but after D-day, you have ZERO perspective. NONE. You’re broadsided, in grief, you want to hear that you matter, that this person is going to fix it, that you weren’t mistaken. So all of this is poison.
I also think this guy is much worse than she knows. Delete. Block. DELETE.
Oh, glad I’m not the only one, Chump Lady. It’s probably a total over-reaction on my part but people leaving presents on your doorstep is hella creepy too. I know this is untangling the skein, but did you ever meet him, and if so were there any impressions you had? I guess your friend will probably read this, so not the best question to ask.
this^ “people leaving presents on your doorstep is hella creepy too”
Had this happen to a friend of mine too, after deciding not to continue to date new guy, he proceeded to start dropping cards and flowers on her doorstep… while he was ‘on a bike ride’ or ‘in the neighborhood’. She specifically told him to give her ‘space’. Creeped me right out!! I invoked the UBT to read the card to her from a different point of view that evening.
What a lucky friend. Whenever she is confused, CL can just say “I wrote the book on ditching a cheater. No, I LITERALLY wrote the book on this.” :D.
LITERALLY!! 😀
Agree. Those of us at a distance can see the manipulation as clear as day, but when your heart has just been broken, you want to interpret the gushy word salad as proof of remorse and love on the cheater’s part. It’s like being struck by a car and expecting to not see double.
Clarity requires distance. And telling your heart to “shut up and let me handle this.”
Yep. I think I was basically in shock. Your brain cannot function normally. The person who was revealing his affair to me wondered aloud why was I not screaming or totally pissed off. That didn’t come til later. It’s a surreal experience and I sympathize with people who are unable to think clearly when they first find out.
You guys have convinced me, the blocking did occur today after the calls and texts would not stop. Thank you for your great advice!
The letter could have been written by my covert narc ex. The flowery pomposity and hidden meanings.
She needs to go no contact & hope to god he hasn’t got to her bank accounts. My fuckwit is putting me thru living hell with selling the property & getting a settlement. These covert narcs are creepy and evil. Ive got a great lawyer but he costs & im about to lose my job. So I’m shitting myself about paying his fees
If your ex earns more than you some states force him to contribute towards payment of your attoney’s fees if you attorney files a fee petition.
I call this slithering. While she is reading this tripe he is sneaking in the back door with his belongings. He will be unpacked, in his jammies, cuddled under the covers before she can say anything.
I hope the UBT isn’t clogged up with all this syrup.
Reminds me of an obit I read in our local paper written by a cheater about his wife. They must have had a slow news day because it took up most of the page. My friends and I were nearly speechless. Nearly.
Yes, this. Did the cheater kill the wife, because I don’t know why but I am getting the creepiest vibe off this letter. If I had true trust in my psychic abilities I would say, this is the kind of guy that would poison you for your money and smile to your face while doing it. I don’t even know why I say it.
Same feeling. This guy scares me.
And what’s with the mention of sleep deprivation?
A bankrupt podiatrist with sleep apnea = sex on a stick.
(And I say that as someone who uses a CPAP every night myself)
I laughed out loud at this. Ah, the romantic podiatrist who snores.
There once was a man named Lou
Whose verbiage smelled like poo
With a wink and a grin
He said, “Lemme back in”
So she kicked his ass and said, “Shoo!”
Haha, I’m sure he notes that on his dating profiles.
Yes. I actually lost track a couple times whether I was reading the letter or the UBT response, because the letter is SO over the top it satirizes itself. Then the sleep deprivation remark. What the? Actually laughed out loud. This guy is such a piece of work.
It’s like the Twinkie defense; I behaved badly because _______ (fill in the blank).
Yes, the Twinkie defense! Unconscionable. I took the mention of sleep deprivation as this POS just throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks.
I cheated because I couldn’t sleeeeeeep! It reminds me of a sinister article I read about a woman who got beaten up on the regular by her husband in his sleep because he had night terrors. Turns out he didn’t have them at all.
He is unable to sleep through the night, major insomniac– probably up thinking about all the ways to cover his tracks? Must be hard to lead a double-life…
Nah. He can’t sleep because he lost his job and was evicted. He stays up all night trying to figure out which of his two “only” loves will house and support him.
I wonder if all cheaters are crap with money, and chumps are good with finances because they have to be.
He’s feeding you a line, then he will do what he wants.
My ex said I’m stuck in the past. Your ow, threatened to pour acid on my face. Burn my house, how long will he kindly give me to get over it.
She actually verbally abused me and told him, how fucked up is that.
She thinks he’s wonderful, no he was a alcoholic, drug taking, prostitute using piece of crap, but she cant see that. She will see what she wants to see.
I forgot to mention the sti(s).
He tells me he loves me, when talking on phone about the kids.
They’re crap with responsibility. So when money equals duty (like paying your taxes and bills on time) they lack. Although if it ruins their impression management they will pay on time. But when money equals kibbles, say earning it with their sparkly narc character, they’re onto it.
Please tell me she ran away as FAST as she could!
My ex wrote almost identical letters like this. I took him back an embarrassing amount of times. Flowery words scare me now. Tell her to not engage. He is dangerous.
Mine did, too. It wasn’t until I got enough of these missives that I was able to see the patterns. Professions of love and appreciation but always contextualized by “I, me, I, me.”
This letter’s “I will always be so wonderfully appreciative for you of bringing that out in me” element particularly got to me. It’s a perfect distillation of “I see you in relation to me and what I want only; you are of use to me, and I value you for the use you are to me, because I am my primary concern, always, even when I appear to be complimenting you.”
Exactly. That’s precisely what I was thinking. My ex didn’t see me as a whole person with needs and a life. He saw me as someone who was put on this earth to make his pain go away and make him feel good. No matter about me. Just him. But he’d try and hide it behind words like the one in the letter featured.
Adelante & InsecureChump,
Me too.
One of my ex’s last ridiculous attempts to hoover me back in started out, “Thank you for saving my life three times.” Which I did, even including two short months prior to my Dday #3, when he nearly died of sepsis. [Just after his dc from hospital, Schmoopie brought homemade chicken soup to my home for him, before I knew that she was that to him…classic chump].
Ah, had I only known earlier…
Number 1 quality of adulting ~ they do not expect their partners to fix them. If someone needs fixing, they are not ready for an adult relationship.
My ex was strangely passive with me. We never fought in normal ways. I guess he didn’t want to lose his meal ticket or cushy home. He was good with the lovey dovey words only when he was caught out.
Agreed. Big flowery apologies that still focus on “I, ME” are not real apologies and the more flowery words they include, the more cautious you should be of them.
My number one rule for apologies is name what you did. If you can’t actually say what it is that you did, specifically, to hurt the other person, then you’re not sorry.
It’s like “I’m sorry IF I caused you pain” or “I’m sorry for any pain I caused.” These are really vague, unspecific, and use the word sorry without the apologizer actually taking any responsibility.
Compared to:
“I am sorry I embarrassed you, I did not think about how my words would reflect back on you.” or “I am sorry I treated you like your feelings did not matter, it was wrong of me.” These are specific. They name an offense. The apologizer says what they did, they did it to the other person, and that action was the direct cause of pain.
These are just examples of phrasing I can think of off the top of my head, but my other rule is also context. If either of these examples come wrapped in a bunch of flowery bullshit like the letter above, it’s all garbage. Cheaters are good at that. They can throw together specific actions with self-absolving word salad. “I’m sorry I lied to you, I did not think about how much pain that would cause you. But HOw COlUD yoU KeeP DoInG ThIS to MEeEeEeee!!!???”
Specificity. Context.
This letter above is just vomit. He doesn’t specifically name what it is he did, he takes no real responsibility, it is just sopping with saccharine word salad, and it is focused entirely on how he feels and what he wants. I am CHOKING on the artificial sweeteners he’s got dumped all over it.
I love your requirements for an apology so much that I wrote it down so I can read it over and over, and incorporate it into my life.
I need another shower this morning. I mean, even if this guy didn’t cheat, yuck! His letter is so disturbing, she needs to run, block, maybe even leave the state. He is the epitome of a creep.
Does he think he’s reciting a Shakespearian soliloquy? What a bunch of verbal diarrhea. Wish I’d read this before I ate my lunch ‘cos now I feel like I wanna chuck up! Pretentious git!
Gawd. That was painful to read. What’s even more painful is the thought that there are some women who fall for this crap!
A starving ego will say anything. It’s like delerium.
“Dear Dr. Toe Jam —
It’s such a delight to know that you appreciate the way I ‘know’ you, ‘challenge’ you, etc.
I take this to mean that, should I grant your expressed desires, you want me to spend the rest of our days hounding you about your bullshit, calling you out on your deceptions, administering appropriate punishments when warranted, etc.
Still want to move back in together?
Sincerely, No More Lotrimin”
????
I love this, thank you for making me LOL!
Hooboy. This sounds alarmingly like one of Fuckup’s masterpieces. Mind you, he wasn’t actually trying to win me back. He was just taking advantage of my willingness to give him multiple “second chances” to extract as much value from me as possible while lining up the next (unsullied by having seen behind the mask) source.
I am speechless for the moment.
But I did want to make a public service announcement as a resident of the town that basically serves as a bedroom for the San Francisco Fire Department.
I see this expression often on the blog…
“run like your hair is on fire”
If your hair is ever on fire (and my attorney had a client whose hair caught fire from using a curling iron with a styling product) PLEASE DO NOT RUN.
STOP DROP AND ROLL!
❤️
PS….one of the actual deposition questions from the corporate attorney for the styling product company was:
“At what point did you realize your hair was on fire?”
(He was probably a cheater)
(Mr CL may enjoy this anecdote)
Love this PSA! I thought the same when I read it–Good God! Don’t run when your hair is on fire! Call me too literal but yes to “stop, drop, and roll.”
As for the main point of this post, I felt such tension while reading–laughing out loud at CL’s responses while being repulsed by this man.
TRUST THAT HE SUCKS!
That letter contained so much crap that I’m pretty sure I’d need 25 trips to the bathroom to pass all of it.
What a loser.
I’m from NJ. It’s only really smelly by Elizabeth when you’re on the NJT. But it doesn’t smell half as bad as the bullshit in that letter! He’s talking out of his ass. Don’t buy the bullshit. You deserve better!
Better to be alone than to be with a prolific liar & cheater who uses flowery language to mask it all. No contact now before you realize 25 years have flown by & you wasted them on a cheater. Be strong & move on.
OMG! The writing is HORRIBLE, and, like a poster above, I need another shower after all that creepy crap. Have your friend watch “Dirty John” or listen to the podcast. RUN LIKE HELL from this one.
This creep has a lot of words. It helps me to realize that, at their core, all cheaters believe they are entitled to deceive others. Even if they don’t love bomb or hoover, cheaters exploit the trust and hard work of their spouse/partner.
How many women has he sent this letter to? Does this work with anyone? This guy is super creepy!
He’s probably got a template he pulls every time he wants to bullshit someone.
Yup, was wondering that myself. A guy friend of mine had mentioned years ago that there are some sites that guys can go to that will write this sort of drivel for men because it works on women and he didn’t mean custom written, just generic copy past stuff a la Hallmark cards.
I was wondering the same thing– he has been divorced 3 times already…
Ok I have regained my power of speech.
Nope. I guess I haven’t.
I have to go outside and scream.
In the meantime, I hope our dear writer is burning rubber getting away.
You, m’lady, are a gem. You always crack me UP!
CL is a gem, she is able to make you laugh while dishing out the harsh truth. It is a gift!
Dude exhibits zero insight into the actions that he chose that caused you pain, and zero remorse: It’s all about how great he is, and how great you could be too . . . IF you stay with him. Nothing to work with here—he’s moral toe fungus. Give the foot guy the boot and walk on.
Love this, and am definitely thinking of Nancy Sinatra’s song “these boots are made for walking..”
“ how beautiful and peaceful it is to just be together, no words even spoken. ”
What he’s saying is it’s nice when you’re together and you stfu
How lovely. ????
“If only I could express myself to you the way I did in 50 emails to my other girlfriend.”
CL…I NEEDED to hear this. My divorce is over. He’s gone. I was a chump until the day he left me for someone fifteen years younger. My life is SO much better now I’m not mindfucked on the daily. But still, sometimes that self doubt creeps in.
This sums it up. He could express himself just fine to other women. He could fix their problems, soothe them, be there for them, be his best self. All I got was lip service, ever, and lies and excuses. He “didn’t know how to fix this.” He never intended to try.
Ok. Speechful again, finally. This UBT is a doozy.
The Day I Met My Husband.
I joined a bunch of friends for waterskiing on Lake Tahoe. The guy who owned the boat (my future husband) accidentally drove over the tow rope, sucking it into the jet pump. He cheerfully spend the next couple of hours in knee deep water, pulling two inch pieces of tow rope out of the jet pump. He made a fire on the beach for us passengers. He cracked jokes. He never expressed the slightest frustration, annoyance, displeasure, irritation. I was incredibly impressed by this seemingly easygoing, thoughtful, nice, good natured guy.
Almost never, and I mean literally, in 27 years of our relationship did he ever express any anger, frustration, irritation, annoyance. Many times though, he expressed those feelings ABOUT other people to ME. Many times I said “You need to talk to that person.” I never guessed in a million years he was doing the same thing with me, talking ABOUT me to other people instead of to me. I really believed he was an easygoing nice guy. I did not see this as a sign of deep deep rage from being completely programmed growing up against expressing anger, a very normal and necessary human emotion. He never yelled, called me names, raised his voice, swore at me.
It was very attractive to me as I had grown up in a very violent home. So had he. I did not know he had become an expert at keeping his head down and his anger was coming out sideways behind my back in all sorts of crazy maladaptive ways.
The man in the letter has shown early on, front and center, that he is a complete AH. You had better believe in the future, after almost 30 years with a robot who was completely dishonest about his true thoughts and feelings, that I will be reading any and all memos, believing them, and acting accordingly.
We were married to the same type of man. I kinda saw the seething rage coming out sideways but I ignored it to my own detriment because you know I didn’t want to be alone. Gotta love toxic codependency.
To me this guy is truly pathological if he’s ballsy enough to use his girlfriends computer to message his ex. Other than that his letter is just cringe worthy.
Want to hear a good one? My ex told me that his father beat him mercilessly as a child. I felt bad for him and cut him slack due to this. I got a chance to ask his brother this year if this was true. His brother said no, it is a LIE. I believed my ex grew up an abused child for over 30 years!
I bought into years of “my Dad was a horror” stories from my EX as well. I was surprised as his Dad seemed like a pretty nice person. But that was explained away as the outcome of years spent rebuilding a relationship with his dad, and he was proud of how his dad had grown, and they never talked about the difficult times any more at all.
By the time we divorced I had learned it was all lies. His Dad was fine. The “horrible” things his Dad had done were normal parenting or never happened at all. The outrageous behavior had been my husband’s.
In retrospect, it should not have been a surprise when he began to lie about me in vicious ways after our divorce. I knew he done it to his dad for decades, of course he would treat me the same way.
Yep – that’s my husband, too. He also untangled the rope from hs friend’s boat motor. And I often asked him why he didn’t speak to people directly about his concerns. I was always translating word salad into plain English and he decided (or was told) I “disparaged” him. He went from 0 to 60 in his responses. No middle ground or self-reflection.
This one really resonates, in this way: over the 10 months we were together, I observed him publicly explode on others, but never towards me & I always wondered, when will my day come? That day came when I called him out on his b.s.
Do you notice how he’s turned your home into ‘our’ (read: his) home in one paragraph? It makes me wonder if his own home is being foreclosed on or he’s about to be kicked out of his apartment.
grift·er
/ˈɡriftər/
nounINFORMAL•NORTH AMERICAN
a person who engages in petty or small-scale swindling.
“I saw him as a grifter who preys upon people”
I wonder what Google definitions defines as a ‘small swindle’…. seriously, block this guy’s number.
We shouldn’t miss the biggest red flag of all here– his response to consequences is to double down and start talking about THEIR HOME together. This is the classic abuser technique of wagging a carrot out there to get the chump imagining how great things would be if she just gives him another chance. What a glorious life they will have in their wonderful nest together! If only she would open her cold heart and let him HEAL. Poor boo needs the chump to be extra special so he can FINALLY feel true love just for ONCE in his sad, put-upon life. Is the chump up to the challenge of being that amazing?
Barf.
Unfortunately it is exactly this kind of syrup that gets some vulnerable chumps hoovered back in, and predators know it. This guy would no doubt work it that she uses all her money for the down payment (because he has this silly tax thing to clear up first, could she just cover that) and then become impossible to evict as he ramps up the abuse, tries to poison her coffee, and in the end stiffs her with the mortgage and bankrupt her.
Get away now. Block. Delete. Get a camera system for your home and car.
Oh yes this ^^^.
Somehow I got dragged into buying ex’s house and lifestyle property, because he had a “small problem” with the tax department. Turns out it was a half million dollar problem
OMG! I think more people should do credit checks before moving in together… we were thankfully no there yet!
Kids today call that future faking. It works on a lot of women, esp the younger ones who want families and OW who just want someone else to give them security instead of go out and get it for themselves.
Signed with a giant foot??!!
O. M. G. ????????????
This creepazoid is a total and utter wanker. Vomit. ????????
I’m so glad your friend has a friend like you, CL. xx
Thankfully, my friends & family are all being super supportive. I’m sure he wishes I had kept it all secret, but I told everyone close so that I’d have an army to back me up if I faltered.
Telling everyone is what will help keep you safe. That was such a load of horse shit it’s stunning. What is so disconcerting is he thinks it’s a great love letter. Any, I repeat any unwanted contact he makes, tell him you will file a restraining order. Please be aware of your surroundings. His train of thought gives me the hebie jebies.
My cat leaves presents on my doorstep too – usually disemboweled mice. They go straight into the trash without a second thought, just like any gifts from a cheater. Such a sad sausage…”other than my sleep deprivation”. He haz a sad! I’m sorry your friend is going through this. It hurts like the dickens and there’s no getting around it, just getting through it. I’m confident that she’ll do just fine, especially since CL has her back.
The main reason I’m commenting here today is that one of the posters said the cheater podiatrist probably has a kinky foot fetish. Not true! While there are exceptions to every rule, the overwhelming majority of foot doctors DO NOT have foot fetishes. It’s a stupid thing people often say and couldn’t be further from the truth. I love my podiatrist who is a competent professional and doesn’t deserve that .
Agree–my niece is a podiatrist and has no such inclinations, she chose the discipline because of a mentor. However, I did date a mechanic with a big foot fetish. Best pedicure I ever had in my life.
“However, I did date a mechanic with a big foot fetish. Best pedicure I ever had in my life”
????????????
I *love* CN – so wise, so bloody funny!
Hey Happily Ever After, that was me that made the foot fetish suggestion. Although I don’t really care about being called stupid, I do apologize for besmirching the reputation of podiatrists everywhere with my lazy example when really I was just trying to make the point that there is a lot hidden beneath the surface with this one that she shouldn’t stick around to find out about. As fetishes go, a foot one is probably pretty benign in most cases, but something in the milk is definitely not clean about this guy.
But a creep of that magnitude WOULD get off on the duper’s delight of the situation…a foot doctor with a foot fetish seems to go with everything else that was presented here. That was the point of the other comment, not that every foot doctor has a foot fetish. I hate when people purposely misunderstand, it’s just like what cheaters do to twist what you say and the point you are trying to make.
Thanks Babs, you’re solid!
I mean, are you actively looking for a reason to be offended? Obviously she wasn’t disparaging all podiatrists. Sheesh.
Narcissist they are dreadful and never take any responsibilty!????
Dear Friend of Chumplady’s,
I say don’t be afraid to go back into the dating scene. When you’re out there, make a commitment to yourself to play the field for a long, long time, in other words: don’t go steady with one guy until you have dated several guys, and again, for a long time. I also recommend no sex while dating (wait ’till marriage — don’t hate me for saying this) because that will give you false intimacy, it might make you overlook his glaring, or just kind of there, faults.
Definitely not afraid to go back to the dating scene, I love 20 questions. Funny that when I told him maybe we should take a break & that I wanted some time to explore my options (after D-Day) he did not like that at all….
As if there’s no such thing as false intimacy while married? I think we’ve all learned here that marriage doesn’t necessarily legitimize anything. Also, what if marriage is not your goal?
But yes, taking your time while dating is very good advice.
Disgusting word salad. Run woman!
Now that I’m free after a lifetime with two narcissistic cheater husbands I can see this for what it is: pure manipulation. All lies. Nothing to work with! Block block block … get a protective order if necessary!
I believe cheaters reveal a hint about the cheating fairly early on to see how you’ll respond. We often assume they got careless or were too stupid to cover their tracks. This carelessness may happen with time. But I think he wanted to see what kind of life he’ll have with her. I know that I showed too early that gaslighting, triangulating, and playing games with me would be in the cards and a fun thrill for him. It’s so gross. I hope your friend chooses sanity and logic over immaturity that should have stopped in seventh grade.
Good point. If I had flinched at some of the early B.S., maybe he’d have dropped me after the first month of dating.
All I really got from this drivel is that he is about to become homeless and is very desperate to land in your friend’s cushy abode where things are clean, the electric and water are on and running and he doesn’t have to pay any bills.
Overall though….this letter was a terrifying read to me because so so many women out there would totally fall head over heels for this bs. So romantic, so special, like something out of Hollywood rom com or those cheap erotic novels come to real life…swoon…. Wouldn’t even be surprised if he actually copied this out of somewhere.
Needs to be pinned somehow as a perfect example of what sociopathic bs looks like in real life. This is NOT love or romance, this is pathological.
I really hope your friend listens and runs for the hills, block, delete, call the cops if he ever shows up on her doorstep. These people do not leave easily, especially when they’ve already smelled weakness or think they have just by virtue that she dated him.
Sociopath is right.
Yeah I got conned by this sort of bullshit for 14 years. I fell for it every time even after 5 d-days. Sociopath is correct. Now he’s trying to ruin me financially. Fun times.
Financial issues are a big red flag for me, and I hope they are for your friend as well, CL! This man is a cheat on so many levels!
I agree that No Contact is the way to peace and freedom. It leads to clarity. She will wonder why it is that she was even considering giving him another chance. That said, if she’s still reeling, ask for her to do a simple search of her state’s court cases. My state has an online database that you can use to look up cases. Check him out.
What you see will be what he’s been lying about.
I can guarantee that while your friend may have many positive qualities–a good heart, a trusting soul, loads of empathy–this cheating POS sees her positive bank balance as the most important.
Tell your friend that “no” is a complete sentence, and then to block him. Sure, it’ll hurt like a mofo for a bit, but in a few weeks, it’ll be more of a memory rather than a sharp pain.
We live in such a materialistic society even as every fairy tale and myth tells us that the poor suitor or cinder maiden is the one who will succeed in the end that we have trouble making sound financial decisions when dating.
We need a clearer social message–living within one’s means (no matter how meager they might be) is an excellent character reference. Hiding financial difficulties or looking to a partner to solve them is clear sign of character problems.
What is it with cheaters and relationships involving cheaters and the word COMPLICATED?
I spent nearly 30 minutes of one of my therapy sessions discussing this at one point. To me this word has become a large red strobe light. If you describe yourself as complicated I assume the kind of antics seen in the above situation are normal for you. If you describe your relationship as complicated then I assume one of you is possibly a cheater and almost certainly a manipulator. Either way I steer clear of anyone who uses the word to define themselves or a relationship. It’s rationalizing bad behavior.
“Complicated”. Barf. Thanks for the heads up on a buzzword to watch out for. To me, there is NOTHING complicated about breaking a promise. It isn’t gray. It isn’t complicated. You either keep your promise, or you don’t.
Cheater buzzwords to watch out for would be a great topic, I think, particularly for those of us with broken pickers.
“Complicated”–I haven’t finished up the previous relationship; I’m still actively in that relationship; We live apart but do booty calls; We live apart but I’m always on the phone or text snarfing for kibbles; I’m seeing hookers from Craiglist; I’m dating 3 other people…
Lot of ways to be “complicated.”
His license to practice should be checked as well. How much you wanna bet there is or has been issues?
AHHHHHH… someone up thread mentioned checking your credit reports. yeah, important.
But RUN RUN to your nearest IT shop and get your computer checked for keyloggers. (stop by your Dr. for an STI check while you are out.) Change ALL your passwords using some OTHER device than your computer. You have opened your life that lives on your computer to exploitation in a massive way.
Financial cheating hurts, too.
Yes–if he was on her computer, he could have seen documents that allowed him to steal her identity. Worse, he could have put a key logger on the computer. So she should check for that.
@Velvet Hammer: I didn’t know we were almost neighbors! Did you see the moonset this morning? It was spectacular and the bay was like glass.
Anyways, back on subject. Like may OP, the letter is puke-y enough, but the financial issues are a whole parade of waving red flags. Cheater #1 insisted on doing the financials when we first got married but I had to take over when he never had enough to cover the bills, or we had to pay taxes using credit cards or cash advances, or he’d take my yearly bonus “to cover extra bills”, etc. etc. etc. Even after I took over doing the bills (and we magically had enough money to cover things without borrowing) I still found out some shady stuff at the end of our marriage. The usual things we hear about at CN like credit cards taken out in our name that we didn’t know about, or hiding cash, etc.
Unfortunately, living in a community property, no-fault state, I had to basically buy my freedom. Between a crooked real estate agent, a financial and sexual cheater and a rigged family court system (no fault my white ass!), I had to pay the guy almost half a million. Which he promptly lost within two years.
I had to garnish his wages for child support which his *government* employer thoroughly messed up, so now the state garnishes his wages so I’d never miss a payment. (side note: I found the best agent at the child support agency. She was righteously angry on my behalf and nailed his ass to the wall for every penny. I am forever in her debt.) He declared bankruptcy a few years ago and obviously had an incompetent lawyer because they sent me a letter that my child support might be impacted. Um no, the state will make sure I get every payment if he has assets and they will keep track and keep trying to collect until they do, including withholding one’s tax refunds. And this is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. I could rant about his financial misadventures for the rest of the day, but I won’t bore you.
Financial mismanagement is an indication of character – a big one. If a doctor cannot even adult enough to pay basic bills, that’s a problem. He likely thinks along the lines of Leona Helmsey: taxes are for little people. The financial entitlement is linked to the cheating entitlement. Just run. This guy is bad news.
WTF does THIS mean?
“We are two people who have so many commonalities, other than my sleep deprivation,”
I mean the word salad is heavy with ranch dressing on this one, but I only know one other person who would include lack of sleep as an excuse to justify shitty behavior. What does it mean in the UBT, CL???
I can answer that- he’s saying we are so in sync, except that I sleep like a baby while he suffers from insomnia. Hmmm, maybe you’d sleep like a baby if you had a clean conscience????
This guy has several “loves of his life” and I guarantee you he is playing them all. He is out only for himself and his dick, nothing more. Yet at ten months in his mask has slipped and here is the test, how much crap are you willing to put up with? He has deemed you worthwhile but your gut should be screaming and you should be listening to it. While not all the disordered are bad with money, this too is another huge red flag. Get a background check, he may not even be who he says he is. I do not know one doctor who would use business stationery for a personal note. Sketchy as fuck. Ugh. Gonna shower now.
Oh my god yes! This is the Shit Test to beat all shit tests! Nailed it!
The multiple references to having a home together, “to actually having a home….OUR HOME” and “having one roof over our heads” tells me he’s either losing his house or getting evicted and is looking for a roof, anyone’s roof, to have over his own head.
RUN. And if you gave him a key to your place, have the lock changed.
It is his pattern to move in with others, but I got my key back and he can’t get into the building without a fab.
DAB,
I would get my lock changed anyway. These game-players learn early on to make copies of keys, charm someone else to let them in (have any neighbors seen him there before who might let him in if he told them he locked the fob in your place?…and…how could he leave food outside your door without a fob?). See? Sneaky. Criminal. It’s all the same.
You picked up a lot here, DodgedABullet. I know it hurts. We want so much to believe we are loved by worthy people. It’s hard to admit we were wrong about people we get close to. But it’s much worse to stay or return to a known liar. They never stop.
#askmehowiknow
You’ll get through this. You’ve got your family, your friends, and US – ChumpNation.
His letter is a great example of love-bombing. It can be intoxicating to the recipient while it lasts, but should be recognized for what it is: an insincere form of manipulation. In his case, he wants kibbles, cohabitation, and probably access to her finances. Flattery is a normal component of infatuation, but if it seems over the top and you are being told you are the most wonderful person ever by someone who hardly knows you, it is a big red flag. If you are being pressured to co-habitate or marry by someone you have only been seeing for a few months, it is a red flag. We chumps have suffered extreme emotional trauma and our egos have been trashed, so we are particularly vulnerable to attempts at manipulation through love bombing and can be seen as walking targets to manipulative people. After my marriage ended, I became involved with a very attractive woman who told me within a couple of months that I was the most wonderful man she had ever dated and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. She fed my starved ego copiously and I felt I needed her like a drug even as I doubted her sincerity and was cognizant of many red flags. The relationship ended amicably after ten months as I couldn’t and wouldn’t promise her a “future.” I don’t regret that relationship as it was a helpful step in the emotional recovery from my ex-wife’s infidelity, but I will try to avoid that kind of relationship in the future. Tracy’s advice to “fix your picker,” is spot on.
Sad how confusing it can be. Narcs are often excellent at poetic protestations of unique and undying love.
They can make ‘normal’ people seem boring and flat. And they can appeal to people who had crappy childhoods and never felt special.
You have to remind yourself that they send the same crap to everyone. The same words, the same sentiments.
Anyone could’ve received this letter. There’s nothing personal or unique in it to make me think this was for a specific person. His ex probably got the same exact letter.
And there is 0 mention of anything pertaining to your friend’s feelings. There’s no mention of him doing anything wrong… if you didn’t know the context of this letter, you might think he was happy she got him into yoga.
This is a very important observation. I’ll bet, thinking back, that 95% of what goes into the UBT is generic.
Schreeeee whrrrrrrr pingggg pannnnngggg
After the first sentence, the UBT shudders to a complete stop:
“No need to further translate this pantload.
Leave it by the side of the road and in the rearview.”
The guy is so stupid that he used the chump’s computer and didn’t log out, leaving his double life exposed. Of course, the cheating is a dealbreaker (although Dr. Pustule’s effort to hoover his Chump back are reach rare heights of bullshittery.
But the stupidity… and the arrogance…and the word salad…any one of them should be a dealbreaker, on its own.
CL, I hope your friend embraces permanent no contact.
I actually needed to read the comments to get a nice healthy dose of reality, and then I blocked him… after a bombardment of emails/calls/texts despite my request for space.
DodgedABullet: I know from experience that not respecting your boundaries is another huge red flag. (LovedAJackass is right about all the other red flags.) If Dr. Pustule can’t give you space, he’s making it all about him yet again. He sounds a lot like my STBX, even though she’s a woman. I’m glad you’re going No Contact! All best to you.
My ex left himself logged into Facebook on the family computer. Oh, the things I seen and read… It was eye opening to see him tied up in knots. I knew he was leaving town before he told me. Never too see his kids again for 3 years now. He had to limpet onto howorker/OW#2 to get a roof over his head. A caravan roof in her parents back garden! His slut is in the fog and I am nearly fully cleansed after 21 years.
Why do these idiots always think if they write a letter and put stuff like that bullshit in it we will take them back (oh wait I did that…learned my lesson the hard way) RUN, as fast as you can RUN!
fear of letting you down: you are so strong and looks like you have boundaries and YOU made me lie out of FEAR of YOU
the fear of embarrassment: YOU are judgemental and would never understand old poor me so It’s your fault I lied.
the lack of confidence in my ability to express myself in such a way so you could understand.: YOU are not very smart and I totally am so if cheating wasn’t enough to make you understand let me blablabla you into understanding I don’t suck.
I longed for a letter like that since D Day and now I actually laughed like crazy reading how ridiculous they are. How their words are just a bunch of stupid nonsense and how great is to be free from this.
Your fault Chump Lady!
You are so right, I somehow thought an apology email might help but when I read it, all I could think of was the last email he sent to the OW “from your loving man” which is how he signed his cards to me– over 24 in just 10 months. I wonder if he has a stack of cards he sends to all his loves? It doesn’t matter… the words are meaningless.
On dating sites, so-called ‘military romances’ are very common. You get contacted by a guy who claims he’s in the military and of course, this is the reason why you two can’t meet. Emails full of pathos and undying love then continue for weeks until the guy needs the money for … (of course, it’s just a loan).
These are just scammers and they’re after that ‘loan’. Of course, they aren’t in the military. These emails are fake, if you Google them you’ll come the very same email (or part of it) it’d take you to other scammer, using the very same words on others. And if you google … excuse for a loan it’ll take you to anti-scamming website. What I’m saying is, these guys (and girls) are so unoriginal/busy scamming that they just copy and paste and don’t come up with anything original themselves. That’s why it’s easy to expose them.
Your letter is full of pathos, rather impersonal and generic. Google it to see if it shows up somewhere else. And I do believe he’s got similar templates that he’s sending around to multiple women.
DodgedaBullet:
You dodged an Exocet missile.
This is a master class in red flag recognition:
– divorced three times
– pattern of moving in with people
– financial problems
– ‘needing’ your stuff
Thank goodness you are going No Contact. This man is not relationship material.
Lots of men aren’t relationship material; this isn’t unusual, and you haven’t done anything wrong.
I am a big fan of taking breaks from dating and not jumping straight back in, until you do a bit of self examination on why this relationship was acceptable to you, and why you ignored the red flags.
Lola Granola, you are so right! While not a great excuse, sometimes it is so easy to ignore signs when you just want to have some fun. But thanks to COVID-19, I’ll have plenty of time to take a “break” from guys & do some self reflection with my life coach!
PS I agree with the others earlier – I think he’s written letters like this before, and plenty of them. It’s rather practised.
I am so sorry! But yeah, RUN AWAY and block, block, block.
What jumps out at me is his fantasy imagining of your life ‘together’ is
He moves into your place (you take care of all the paying, cleaning, maintaining, etc)
You never talk,because bliss is just “being together” (hush, you. His bliss requires silence)
WHAT A DEAL! I don’t know how anyone could resist. Maybe if you’re really lucky he’ll suggest you keep paying everything, but also move out and just give him free run of the place. FOR HIS BLISS.
I will bet $5 he does not have a valid license to practice anything, isn’t a podiatrist , and as others have noted, is clearly getting kicked out/evicted from wherever he is and is sending form letters to all his marks to see if anyone volunteers to be his crash pad.
Scrape this one off your shoe and never look back.
Must be something in that NJ water as I got a sappy mind-dribble, sad-sausage, letter like that form my 1st cheating ex. I never called anyone a sociopath until after I discovered all of his lies.
Hidden match.com profile. Blamed me for his shitty behaviour once caught and then later sent me a similar sappy love letter like begging for forgiveness and expressing desires of marriage and all thing a woman of my age would want of her partner.
Thing is, it was a bunch of crap. OMG. He could not stop cheating but kept lying to me. I think his master plan was to truly just discard me once he found someone he thought he could trade up with.
I must admit I couldn’t read all of our ex’s letter because the first paragraph was such a mindfuck manipulative ploy. He doesn’t love you. He loves himself. It’s like he knows he cheats and plans on doing it again, but he thinks he should be given an A for seeing a therapist. It’s like his own get out of jail card.
I told my 2nd cheater to fire his ex. He has learned jack shit from seeing her. They truly never change.
Sorry, “I told my 2nd cheater to fire his therapist”
It’s amazing what otherwise competent people will settle for when they are lonely.
I fell for similar, despite thinking I was smart enough to not to.
Please don’t look back
This reminds me of an (illiterate, thankfully) guy who I was with for a year ish. Not a cheater, but textbook case of emotionally abusive. The kind of guy who would look at a skin tag on your neck and say “now, if a guy was really into you, he wouldn’t mind this.” or (when out) “isn’t it awful how guys are always looking at other women?” (I guess I wasn’t watching him avidly enough…). Ich. Why I stayed for a millisecond, dear sweet potato.
One day I got a splinter in my hand and pulled it out. Pain left immediately. And I thought of him (and did the same). But he did try to come crawling back; several times talking about he has a therapist now, and she said he just wasn’t able to appreciate a functional relationship.
I was meant to interpret this statement as “I am ready for one now.”
Not huge improvements because next time he called (my work number, I had changed my cell); he was homeless, due obviously to no fault of his own. Had a real estate license and was camping out in sale houses. I was supposed to get all “let me fix this” on him.
Not the least bit tempted and did not return the call. Now my work number is also changed. Problem solved.. because the problem was him.
Hey Dodged-a-bullet, Just saw this post today as I am catching up with CLady…
I have been a Professional College Student for 7 years now getting my Bachelor’s Degree. At first I laughed so hard at “Doc’s” letter because I have never met a “Man” who could write this kind of letter. After reading and laughing even harder at all the comments from CNation I wanted to include a comment and a Poem I wrote (Poet for 20 years)…
In breaking down the letter as an Editor:
“Doc” used I, me, we, us, together, two, and couple – (61) times…
“You” was used a total of (21) times… That means he almost basically likes himself 3X More…
This Poem I include was after “unhusband” left for girl with “same name” as me and 10 yrs younger… “They” tried to take my boys out of state to live with them… We fought custody for “10 months” during this period this poem became my Mantra!! Hope it inspires…
Sometimes, it is not about the promise…
but WHO made the promise…
Sometimes, it is not about the vow that was made…
but about WHO will always walk beside us…
Sometimes, it is not about the words that have been said…
but WHO we are listening to in the quietness of the heart…
Sometimes, it is not about fighting, even when right…
but WHO you kneel before and ask for help…
Sometimes, it is not the ugliness of choice…
but WHO turns my view to all the beauty surrounding me…
Sometimes, it is not the walls that are boxing you in…
but WHO I remember has the power to destroy them…
Sometimes, it is not the pain of betrayal…
but WHO will never FORSAKE ME!!!
“An original AJ Stoddard poem”
The poem is great, and so is the calculation of how many times he refers to himself… he even thought it would help his case to send me a picture of a list I had made once with his positive qualities. His theme song is: I’m Gonna Love Me Again by Elton John.